Summary: The PTB suggest Xander as a possilbe solution when the Fang Gang's plans to help Angel go awry.
Disclaimer: Premise and characters borrowed from "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and "Angel".
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Wait for the drug to take effect. Cast a spell. Wait for the drug to wear off. Hope that he would be like they remembered Angel to be when it was over. It had all sounded so simple in theory, Wesley thought as he stared at the warm, glowing orb cradled in his hands. They hadn't even bothered to use the word hope; Angel would be all right when it was done, that's what they'd said.
Now Wesley wasn't so sure everything was going to be fine. Something should have happened when they used the curse. No, Wesley corrected himself, something more should have happened. The orb of Thesula had taken on a brilliant glow as the spell was cast, but Cordelia remembered the orb disappearing immediately after that when Willow had successfully cast the spell in '98.
Wesley had deduced the cause; the glow was caused by the presence of Angel's soul within the orb. The orb disappeared when the soul was transferred to a body. Which hadn't happened. Their Angel's soul was still trapped in the orb. When the drug wore off Angel would still be the damaged creature Anya had inadvertently rescued from the other dimension.
Gunn stepped out of Angel's room. "It didn't work," he said, echoing Wesley's thoughts.
"How can you be sure?" Cordy asked from her corner of the couch.
Gunn stepped to the side and gestured to the room he'd just left. Wesley carefully set the orb back in its holder then followed Cordy into Angel's room to see the results of their actions.
Gunn had apparently been sure enough that the drug had worn off to release Angel, because the dark haired vampire was curled up in one corner of the room, pressed into the space between the wall and the dresser.
Cordelia knelt beside Angel and put her hand on his shoulder in a comforting gesture. At her touch Angel's whole body went rigid. Slowly Cordelia let her hand drop and stepped back away from Angel.
~~~*~~~
"We made things worse," Cordelia said.
"He still hasn't moved from that corner?" Gunn asked.
Cordy shook her head. "If anything he's getting worse, more withdrawn. I keep trying to get through to him; I talk to him for hours. The harder I try the less it feels like he's hearing me."
"That isn't the end of the damage we've done," Wesley said, looking toward the glowing Orb of Thesula. "I can't find a way to release our Angel's soul from the orb at this stage of the spell."
"You can't just smash it?" Gunn asked. "That always works in the movies."
"This isn't a movie! I don't know what would happen to Angel if I did," Wesley replied grimly. "I think we've done quiet enough leaping without looking, don't you?"
"I voted against doing this," Gunn said. "Don't look at me."
"I'm sorry Charles," Wesley sighed. "I just don't know what to do."
~~~*~~~
Wesley pushed aside the volume he had been examining. It only confirmed his worst fears; there was no way back. The only safe thing to do with Angel's soul was to allow the curse to be completed. But that couldn't happen, the other Angel's soul, broken as it was, prevent the curse from reaching completion. They had known that this had been a possibility, but in their bone-headed determination to have things go back to how they had been they'd convinced themselves that the doximal would be enough to fool the curse into believing that Angel's body didn't have a soul of it's own present.
They had just wanted things to go back to what they had been, that was all.
Now they were stuck and everything was falling apart. Angel, the one from the other dimension, was practically catatonic. He's trusted them. Wesley wondered how long it had been since that Angel had trusted anyone. Years? Decades? They might very well have been the first people he'd trusted since he'd been turned. And how had they repaid that trust? They'd chained him up and drugged him. Who cares what their intentions had been, from Angel's point of view their treatment of him was little better than what he'd endured as the Master's prisoner.
It was of little wonder that Angel had reacted to they're betrayal by retreating completely from reality.
And as for their Angel. Wesley sighed. All they'd wanted to do was help. They'd been desperate to make everything right again. The truth was they'd never come to terms with the manner, no the timing of his death.
Angel had come to them, ready to acknowledge the error of his ways, and they'd turned him away. They'd been hurt and angry and it had just been too sudden, they'd needed time to consider, so they'd walked away. They'd taken a long look at the situation that night after they left Angel, they'd come to the conclusion that they couldn't go back, Angel couldn't be trusted with the position of authority that he'd so badly abused.
Perhaps they hadn't handled Angel's initial reaction to Darla as well as they might have, but in the end it was Angel who had decided to play judge and jury for the Wolfram and Hart lawyers. It was Angel, who when confronted with his mistakes had thrown them out and dove head first into the darkness they'd strove to warn him away from.
There had been real reasons as to why they hadn't welcomed Angel back with open arms. Wesley knew that. Reasons that they had undoubtedly been discussing while Angel died.
And that changed everything. Rationally Wesley knew it wasn't their fault. They hadn't known, couldn't have known what would happen. It they'd had any clue Angel was in imminent danger they wouldn't have left him, but they hadn't known. In his head Wesley knew that they hadn't been to blame, but his heart never listened to reason.
This time Wesley's head and heart were in agreement. This time what had happened to the second Angel was their fault.
Then there was the matter of Angel's soul. Wesley very carefully reached out and touched the orb. And his breath caught in his throat; ever since the curse had been begun the orb had been warm to the touch, now it was barely above room temperature. As Wesley watched the glow inside the orb flickered, going dark for a second.
~~~*~~~
Willow studied the orb critically. "The spell is still trying to take effect," she said. "But it's being blocked."
"Yes, by the soul already in Angel's body," Wesley said impatiently. "We need to stop it, I believe the spell is hurting his soul."
"I don't know how to stop it," Willow admitted. "But I think I could give it a boost. You know, just sort of push it to completion."
"What's that going to do to him?" Gunn asked.
Willow shrugged, "There is precedent, when a ghost possesses someone they effectively have two souls. In this case, since both souls are Angel's I'd think they'd have an easier time sharing space."
"You think?" Wesley questioned.
"I know the spell is burning out Angel's soul," Willow replied.
"I still say we just break the damned orb," Gunn said.
"You can't," Willow said firmly. "Not without damaging Angel even more."
"I guess we don't have any options," Cordelia said.
"We're making too many assumptions," Wesley protested.
"What do you suggest we do?" Cordelia demanded. "We can't go back, we can't stop here, we have to go ahead." As if to underscore her point the light in the orb flickered and when it returned it was dimmer than before.
Willow picked up the orb and walked into Angel's room. She placed it on his chest then spoke a quick phrase in Latin. Her eyes turned solid black and a wave of power washed over her and into both Angel and the orb. For a long moment nothing happened, then the orb seemed to melt into Angel. Willow's eyes cleared then rolled back in her head and she dropped to the floor in a dead faint.
~~~*~~~
"Don't move, don't move, don't." The imperative and the unspoken hope that everyone would forget he existed if he just ignored them all droned on endlessly in Angel's mind, slowly fading into white noise through sheer repetition, leaving him free to think.
In the quiet emptiness pieces of identity and past assembled and came together to take on form.
~~~*~~~
"I've done everything I can. I'm going back to Sunnydale tonight, I might be needed."
~~~*~~~
"Don't move, don't move.."
Confusion reins supreme, memories, too many and not enough. Conflicting images. Buffy, who he'd been willing to live or die for. Buffy, a dream never realized. Willow and Xander, captures, tortures, vampires, cruel and soulless, the crown jewels of the Master's family. Willow and Xander, Buffy's friends, loyal, caring, human.
Dying (Why wouldn't they let him die?), alone (Why wouldn't they leave him alone?) abandoned by his friends (What were friends?). His fault (his fate). His mistakes (his punishment). His failure (his failure).
What is real? Both feel real. Am I insane?
~~~*~~~
"We can't just sit here forever waitin' for him to wake up. I'm opening the office in the morning, with or without you two"
~~~*~~~
"Don't move, don't move."
Need to move (Don't move!). Have to act (Can't act). Need to know (Why?). Betrayed (deserved). Need to understand (suffering is all there is). This is pointless (There is no point).
"DON'T MOVE!"
No.
~~~*~~~
The crash of Cordelia's teakettle falling to the floor jolted Cordelia and Wesley from an uneasy sleep. Wesley sat up in his sleeping bags on the couch.
Cordy appeared in the door to from her room. "Dennis, people were sleeping," she grumped throwing on the lights.
"Angel!" the surprised exclamation burst simultaneously from both throats.
Angel shrank back against the door, stunned by his sudden status as center of attention.
"Angel, you're back!" Cordy squealed happily. "You're up and moving around without instructions, you're okay. You're you again."
"I'm not him," Angel said, his voice panicky. "You showed me who he was, I'm not him, I was never him."
"Angel?" Cordelia asked uncertainly.
"That's not even my name!" Angel yelled suddenly angry. "I never used that name until I introduced myself to Buffy. which I never did! Liam is dead. Angelus is dead. Angel never existed. Willow's puppy is all that I am."
"I tried, I really tried to be someone. Whistler convinced me that I could, that I was worth something. He was wrong. You're wrong. Just leave me alone," Angel cried.
"But you remember?" Cordelia said. "You know all the things you've done."
"I didn't do those things! While he was doing those things I was sitting in a cage waiting for the Master or Xander or Willow or anyone really, to come torture me again. When you brought me here that was the first time in." Angel laughed it was a strained sound. "What year is it?" he asked.
"Two thousand and six," Wesley answered hesitantly.
"Ten years," Angel said distantly. "It was only ten years. It felt like forever. I used to tell myself I was glad when they were with me, because that meant at least one of them wasn't torturing someone else, and I deserved it didn't I? I've done the same or worse to so many others, so I deserved it. But it's hard to lie to yourself forever. Eventually I had to admit that I didn't care what they did to who if they'd just leave me alone. So much for noble intentions huh? I couldn't even manage that much."
Angel took in the other's horrified expressions. "I'm not your hero after all am I?" he said. "Maybe now you'll forget about me. It's all I want anyway."
The door stuck as Angel tried to open it. "Dennis, please?" Angel asked quietly and the door swung open with a sad creak allowing the dark haired vampire to vanish into the night.
~~~*~~~
"We've got to find him," Cordelia cried, watching the sun cresting over the horizon. "It's day and he doesn't have any place to go."
"Cordy, chill," Gunn commanded. "Angel, either version, has been around for a long time, he knows how to come in out of the sun."
"Day is still a good time to find him," Wesley said. "The sun will keep him pinned in one place. Well, at least it will limit the number of places he can go."
"He doesn't want to be found," Gunn said. "Now we've got people to save and a business to run. Are you two going to help me or not? Angel will come back when he's ready to come back."
"What if he doesn't?" Cordelia demanded.
"Then he doesn't, it's his choice," Gunn replied coolly. "You can't make him be the person you want him to be. If you hadn't learned that way back when, the other night should have taught it too you.
"What I learned then," Wesley said quietly. "Was that because I ignored a friend's troubles, because I let him push me away, I lost that friend. I won't make that mistake again."
"Angel needs us," Cordelia added. "I promised I'd protect him. I can't abandon him now."
"Fine, go running after him!" Gunn snapped. "Forget the people we're supposed to be protecting, forget all you've done to Angel so far is mess him up even worse than he was to start with. I don't care. I'll be here, taking care of thing when you two come back to your senses."
~~~*~~~
Angel watched the sunlight slip a tentative toe under the overpass where he'd found shelter for the day. For a second he was certain that the sun caught in a flicker of long, golden-blond hair.
Cautiously Angel ventured toward the edge of the shadows, his expression hopeful, then as the hope he felt registered his eyes became fearful. "No," he muttered. "No. that's how it starts, how it ends is inevitable. no hope, no light, can't let it happen again."
He sank to his knees just inches from the divide between darkness and light. "You have to remember. That's why you exist, to remember, nothing more, never anything more. Don't get above yourself, it only leads to disaster," he said to himself.
"No, you need to finish it," a worried feminine voice whispered in the corner of his mind. "It's for nothing if you don't finish."
"Kathleen, Mother, Father, Anna, Sean, Mr. Connell, Father Patrick." Angel recited.
As the list of names lengthened Angel held his hands out into to diffuse sunlight. Gradually his skin reddened as if from a sunburn then began to peal and eventually blister as he continued reciting the seemingly endless list of names or whatever he remembered of the person.
"Buffy's classmate, Jenny Calendar, Holland Mannors. Lindsey McDonell?" Angel's voice rose slightly, turning the last name into a question. "No, I didn't kill him. did I? Oh well, wanted to kill him often enough, it should count as some sort of sin. Guess I should put Lilah on the list too."
~~~*~~~
Cordelia bit her lip as she stepped into the lobby of the Hyperion. When they'd been forced to sell it they'd managed to defeat Wolfram and Hart in a small way, instead of letting the law firm take control of the old building they'd got the local chapter of the historical society to buy it. They'd finished the restoration Angel had started and now the hotel was just like it had been in the twenties when it had originally been built. Cordelia was glad of it, but stepping into the lobby after so many years and having it still look the same was a painful reminder of better times to the Seer.
Wesley went up to the desk and held out an old picture of Angel "Have you seen this man? His name is Angel," Wesley asked, preparing to go into their spiel about how Angel's estranged father, who was on his deathbed, had hired them to find his son before it was too late for them to make amends. Sure it was trite, but it worked more often than not.
That was when Cordelia felt it, the tingly warning moment that always preceded a vision. In the last five years she'd almost forgotten it. Then her hands flew to her head and the part she could never forget began.
At her shriek of pain Wesley turned and for a moment he was frozen in disbelief as Cordelia writhed on the floor clutching her head. Then he crouched beside her, pulling her upper body into his lap.
When it was over Wesley asked, "Was it actually a vision? After all this time?"
Cordelia nodded, "We're going to Sunnydale," she said.
~~~*~~~
"Hello Anya, may we speak with Xander?" Wesley asked tentatively when the former demoness opened the door.
"You can yell through the door at him just like everyone else. He boarded it up after Spike kicked it down," Anya said dispiritedly moving aside to let Wesley and Cordelia in.
"Sounds fine to me," Cordelia said storming in determinedly. "Xander get your butt out here!" she commanded.
Wesley gave Anya an embarrassed look on Cordy's behalf, but didn't try to stop the seer.
"I didn't mean tomorrow!" Cordelia continued. "The PTB sent you a message, and you'd better get out here and listen to what they have to say!"
There were several crashing sounds then the door slowly opened and Xander stepped out looking haggard and unkempt.
"We need you to find Angel," Cordelia said. Xander stepped back and started to shut the door again only to have Cordy block it open. "The PTB sent a vision, you're supposed to help Angel," she said insistently. "You can't ignore this, it's a vision. I haven't had a vision since the original Angel died. This is big. You have to do it."
"They're insane then," Xander replied harshly. "How the hell could I help Angel? I'd probably traumatize him just by being within a hundred feet of him."
"Nonetheless, you are the one the Powers believe can help him," Wesley said. "Cordelia and I tried our best and we only hurt him more. We don't understand him, we never did. We can't help, but maybe you could."
"Because I'm the one that did this to him?" Xander asked.
"No, because like Angel, you are a vampire which has had it's soul returned," Wesley said.
"Don't you get it? I tortured him!" Xander exclaimed. "Do you know why? To practice, to see how my ideas worked on someone I wouldn't accidentally kill before I was finished playing with them."
"Right now you're closer to being Angel, the original Angel, than Angel is," Wesley said. "The Powers that Be have chosen you as their new champion. They've given you a chance to make up for the things in your past, so stop wallowing in your guilt and help someone. You keep saying you can't help Angel, but you won't even try. Can you imagine how much it would have meant to him to be able to put things to right with one of his former victims?"
"Alright!" Xander exploded. "I'll try, but don't forget I told you so when this blows up in our faces."
~~~*~~~
Xander moved through LA's night, hating every minute of it. He'd been doing it for days now and it didn't get any easier. It felt too much like hunting, although he'd never hunted places like this before. He'd been a Sunnydale vampire, one who lived in the Master's era. They hadn't hunted in humanities' dark corners, hadn't been the thing lurking in the shadows. They'd strode boldly through Sunnydale, had ruled the night. They hadn't had to live off the dredges of society.
"Angel," Xander said turning toward the deeper shadows.
"S.stay away," Angel snarled brandishing a cross, apparently insensitive to pain it had to be causing him.
"I'm backing off," Xander said holding up his hands. "Put that thing down before your hands are charcoal."
"Right, it takes about a month for me to heal from third degree burns, isn't that what you deduced?" Angel said. "How many experiments did it take you to figure that out? Fifty? A hundred? I've forgotten."
"I'm sorry," Xander said.
Angel laughed.
"Please Angel, I want to make it up to you," Xander requested.
"Don't call me that!" Angel snapped.
"What should I call you then?" Xander asked, stepping forward, his hands held out placating.
"Nothing! G. go away!" Angel insisted, the cross shaking, almost obscured by the smoke rising from Angel's flesh.
"Dammit, put that thing down. You're hurting yourself."
"And you'd rather do that for me?" Angel asked sarcastically.
"They gave me my soul back," Xander said. "I won't hurt you, not ever again."
"That's almost funny," Angel said. "I guess you've been practicing, your jokes usually hurt more than you fists."
"It's for real," Xander said. "I'm sure you know how it is, being so hungry that you're sure your stomach's eating it's way out of your body but the thought of what you're craving revolts you so much that you know you'll vomit if you try to feed."
The cross lowered as Angel peered curiously at Xander.
"You know, in this reality I used to think that you'd gotten off easy," Xander continued. "I guess the jokes on me isn't it? 'Cause this is hell."
"Trust me, Hell's worse," Angel replied, dropping the cross into a pocket.
"Come on, let's go back to Cordy's. They're worried about you," Xander said.
"It's not me they're worried about," Angel said. "I'm not Angel, tell them that. They made me remember his life, but I'm not him."
~~~*~~~
"How'd Angel die?" Xander asked as soon as he walked into the office.
"Where is he?" Cordy responded. "You found him didn't you?"
"Yeah, I found him, even talked to him for awhile. He's real fixated on the fact that he isn't Angel. So how'd Angel die?" Xander repeated.
"He was staked," Wesley said. "What did you think, that he was hit by a car?"
"I don't buy that," Xander said. "It couldn't have been that simple. There was something wrong about the way he died. That's why you couldn't face Buffy afterwards. We didn't even find out he was dead until Willow went to LA to tell him about Buffy several months later. Why couldn't you tell her he'd died?"
"Her mother had just passed away." Wesley began.
"And it would have been easier to tell her when?" Xander demanded. "After Drusillia or one of our other mutual friends sprung the news on her? Buffy deserved to be told. Who killed him? How'd you deal with a baddie who could take Angel out?"
"We weren't there!" Wesley exclaimed.
"But you knew he was dead?" Xander asked skeptically. "What'd you do. find the body?"
"We knew," Cordelia said.
"Why are you so concerned with this?" Wesley asked.
"Because Angel has both sets of memories now and he keeps on insisting that's he's Puppy."
"Okay, Angel called himself that too and I really don't get it," Cordelia said.
"The other Willow called him Puppy," Xander said tiredly. "It's the closest thing to a name that any of us ever used for him. That's what I don't get, Puppy's life was one long nightmare of torture and degradation, but Angel would rather cling to that identity than admit to being the person he was here. Why is that? What was so wrong with Angel here, that he'd rather be Puppy?"
"He died here," Wesley said firmly. "Don't you think that's enough?"
"No, I don't," Xander said.
~~~*~~~
"Hi," Xander said.
Angel watched him approach warily.
"You know Cordy's place is real cramped and I can't make friends with that blasted ghost. I rented an old warehouse in this district. It's pretty decrepit but it keeps the sun out and there's lots of room. You could use one of the offices for quarters," Xander offered. "There's enough room that you wouldn't even have to see me if you didn't want to."
"Why are you being nice to me?" Angel asked.
Xander looked away. "You know why. Will you come, you don't have to see the others either if that's how you want it. But they'd feel better if you had a place to stay."
"What if I don't want you to feel better about what you did to me?" Angel asked.
"I swear having you around won't make me feel that much better," Xander said. "And aren't we getting into cutting off your nose to spite you face territory here Angel?"
"Don't call me that! I'm not Angel," he snapped.
"Well you're not Angelus either and I'm not calling you Puppy ever again, so why can't you be Angel. It's just a name," Xander argued.
"Fine," Angel guardedly agreed. "As long as you remember that he doesn't exist. He's dust and gone and forgotten."
"So you'll come?" Xander asked.
"I'll come, but if the others show up I'm gone. You won't find me again."
~~~*~~~
"Angel! Food's ready!" Xander yelled taking two mugs out of the microwave.
A few minutes later Angel appeared from the depths of the warehouse.
Xander flinched slightly as he noticed Angel had rolled up his sleeves a few turns to display the scars around his wrists.
"You could have painted neon arrows on the backs of your hands," Xander commented.
Angel walked across the kitchen without looking at Xander. "I prefer a touch of subtly," he said then picked up one mug and put it in the refrigerator.
"That's going to be nasty if you let it cool," Xander warned.
"I don't drink warm blood," Angel replied.
"Can't you let anything be easy?" Xander asked with a sigh.
"Why should I?" Angel said. "This is your atonement, not mine. I've given up on that crap."
"Whatever," Xander sighed watching Angel retreat into the shadows.
Xander took his breakfast and with a grimace downed the contents of the mug.
A few minutes later his cell phone rang. Xander shut his eyes and ignored it. It rang five times then quit as the automated answering kicked in. Less than a minute later it rang again. and again. After four rounds Xander gave in and answered the phone.
"What is it Anya?" He asked. ". Yes, I'm fine as I ever get. No you can't come down here. No! Stay in Sunnydale Anya. No, I don't hate you. I just don't want to see you right now. Anya. Anh. Please don't cry. Look Anh, give me a couple of weeks then I'll come spend some time on the good old Hellmouth.. No, I can't come sooner. Angel would probably take off if he thought I was far enough away for him to actually disappear. Spike said what? . Well you'd better stop him Anh. I'm not the old Xander, you saw to that. I can't be him. It doesn't matter how long Willow cried, I can't pretend to be someone I'm not anymore. Anya I'm sorry. I know. you didn't understand what you were doing. I'm coming to see you in a few weeks, be happy with that. It's the best I can do."
Xander disconnected and went back to his meal.
Angel came back in, snatched his mug out of the refrigerator and gulped it down. "What, I was hungry," he snapped before quickly rinsing his cup out and storming back into the warehouse proper.
"Angel." Xander called after him, then sighed and picked up the phone.
"Cordelia. Hi, it's Xander. Did your vision give any hints on how I'm supposed to help Angel? .That's not how it works huh. Well do you have any ideas.. I got him off the streets. I've used up all my ideas okay? . I'm not his friend, I've never been his friend, he doesn't want me as a friend and he needs a psychiatrist not a friend anyway. Which I'm not qualified to be either. Yeah, yeah. I know the PTB know what they're doing. I'll keep you up-dated.. Thanks for all the help Cordelia."
~~~*~~~
Xander wandered restlessly around the warehouse, hating every minute of the day, of being trapped. It was enough to make him wish he could learn to like reading. Or, an even less likely possibility, wish that Angel would talk to him.
As if the thought of the other vampire had summoned him Xander heard Angel's voice softly speaking in the distance. "Okay, for today's list we'll do people I've let down," Angel was saying in a sarcastic, self-deprecating voice. "Father, you seem to make a lot of the these lists Dad. Buffy, you're here a lot too. at least I didn't kill you, that's something I can be thankful for. Doyle, my first real friend, is it any surprise I failed you? Tina, Mr. Lockley, I wanted to save you. Kate, I really did want to save him. Faith, I meant to be there to help you, the going insane and then dying thing kinda got in the way. Cordelia, Wesley, Gunn. practically every person I ever knew really, certainly every person who's ever depended on me. Darla. I so wanted to help you, to see that someone like me could be saved. I guess I got my answer to that didn't I? We're beyond saving. I suppose you'd say I failed you long before that, I promised you I could still be him back in China. Does that count? Failing to be evil? You, Dru and Penn would all agree I failed you, maybe even Spike would agree. Should I feel guilty for failing you? I know I'd feel a whole lot worse now if I hadn't, but isn't feeling bad what this is all about? Reminding myself of what I've always been, making sure I never forget. I won't risk my soul again, not ever again, not for anything."
As Xander followed the sound of Angel's voice the stink of charred flesh filled the air, and when he turned the corner he understood why; Angel was sitting in front of an open window, one hand stretched into the sunlight. As Xander walked into the room Angel's flesh caught fire and the older vampire calmly doused the flames in a bucket of water at his side then placed his hand back in the sunlight.
"Are you completely insane?" Xander demanded, forcibly dragging Angel away from the window. "What are you doing? I don't have a word for how totally deranged you're acting!"
Angel blinked up at Xander, looking confused, like he'd been forcibly yanked out of a trance. "It's none of your business," he said cradling his burnt arm against his chest. "Leave me alone."
"I'm not just going to leave you alone!" Xander shouted. "Look what you did to yourself. That is beyond freaky. You just. Geese Angel that is wrong, sick okay! I can't just ignore that. Why would you do that?"
"The pain helps me focus on the memories," Angel said half to himself. "And I have to remember, if I forget, I lose my soul."
Suddenly Angel's attention focused fully on Xander. "You need to worry about that too," he said.
~~~*~~~
"You lied to me," Xander said walking into Angel Investigation's current offices.
"What are you talking about?" Wesley asked.
"You knew Angel died because he found another loop hole in the curse and you had to kill him," Xander said. "First, how am I supposed to help Angel if you're withholding things from me and second, if there's another way to break the curse I think I need to know about it."
"Wrong lame-brain," Cordelia practically growled. "Angel didn't lose his soul. He was completely soul-having when he. He saved our lives just before it happened, he was good."
"That doesn't make any sense," Xander said.
"How did you come to the conclusion that Angel had lost his soul?" Wesley asked.
"Because Angel's picked up this nifty new hobby of self-mutilation. From what he said I think he's doing it because he believes that losing his soul is a real danger," Xander explained. "Now him going all self-destructo-boy might have made sense right after Wills recursed him, but he was fine for years. The only thing I can think of is the curse must have broken a second time."
"Well think again, because it didn't," Cordelia said.
"Perhaps if you told us exactly what Angel said," Wesley suggested.
"Sure, but then I expect you to tell me exactly what was going on before Angel died," Xander said.
~~~*~~~
Nervously Wesley crept into the warehouse Xander and Angel were occupying, tightly clutching a thick file folder to his chest.
He glanced around the darkened interior then he hurried across the cavernous main area to the break room the two vampires were using for a kitchen.
Wesley peered around the door jam, then, finding the room disserted hurried in, set the folder on the table and turned to leave only to see Angel standing in the doorway glaring at him.
"What are you doing here?" Angel demanded.
Wesley gulped then stood straighter. "There were some things I thought you should see," he said gesturing to the folder. "I looked up some of our old cases. I thought you might be interested in seeing how well many of them have done since coming to us, to you, for help."
"I'm not your Angel!" Angel snapped.
"The hell you aren't," Wesley replied with firm conviction. "You may be the other as well, but you are Angel, these are people whose lives you changed for the better. You didn't fail them. You've helped so many people Angel."
"I failed everyone I cared about. How can you of all people deny that?" Angel asked angrily.
Wesley walked back to the table, flipped through the folder for a few seconds then took out a few pages and handed them to Angel.
Angel stared down at the pages headed Wesley Wyndam-Pryce in disbelief.
"Wesley Wyndam-Pryce," Wesley said in an impersonal tone. "Arrived in Sunnydale in the spring of 1999 as a replacement Watcher for the Slayers Buffy and Faith. During the performance of his duties Wesley was arrogant and pig-headed. He consistently belittled and ignored the advise of people who knew better. His behavior could be easily considered a contributing factor in the Slayer Faith's defection. A few months later the Slayer Buffy dismissed Wesley as her watcher. The Council seconded Miss Summers' opinion and terminated all contact with Wesley, his family quickly followed suit, leaving him stranded in the states. Wesley became a fairly ineffective rogue demon hunter. This occupation led Wesley to LA where his path crossed once more with Angel's. Wesley attempted to threaten Angel's life and generally made an ass of himself. Never-the-less Angel offered him a much needed job. Despite early bungles, including being taken hostage, Wesley was consistently treated with respect, he was given his first real chance to find his feet and prove himself. In working for Angel Investigations Wesley gained both self-respect and confidence as well as several friends. At the current time Wesley is proud to say that he is still working at Angel Investigations. He's been able to help a lot of people. He's very grateful to Angel for the second chance that he was given. even if he forgot that for a time."
"But I fired you," Angel said.
"I believe we've established that you don't have a monopoly on making mistakes," Wesley said. "Given my history, as well as our friendship, I should have done more when I saw you heading for a fall. At the very least I should have been willing to give you another chance when you returned to your senses."
"I had a second chance, more than one actually, and I screwed them all up," Angel said. "Eventually you run out of chances."
"Maybe you do, eventually, but not yet. Things got out of hand with Darla, but that doesn't erase all the good you've done. You're so focused on the things that went wrong you've forgotten every thing else. Read the files Angel, remember all the people you've helped."
"What happened in your war with Wolfram and Hart was a mistake, a very human mistake. You got too close to a case, you took it personally and when things went badly you lost control. You were hurt and angry and you lashed out. What you did wasn't right, but it was both understandable and forgivable."
"We've missed you Angel."
"I lost my soul Wesley!" Angel exclaimed.
"Angel, you didn't," Wesley said.
Angel frowned in confusion, slowly backing out of the room. "Then why. You're lying. Before Whistler came I went for almost a century without hurting anyone. He told me I was a nobody, but I didn't have to be. He said I could be someone to be counted."
"He was right," Wesley said.
"When people count on me they get hurt," Angel said quietly. "I won't risk that anymore."
~~~*~~~
"Hello? Xander? Are you here?" Anya called walking into Angel Investigations' darkened offices.
A clinch of glass against glass sounded to her left. "He's out," Cordy slurred. "Fixing my screw-up." The seer tossed back the shot she'd just poured for herself."
"You're drunk," Anya stated disapprovingly. She stormed across the room and snatched away Cordy's bottle.
"You're as bad as Dennis," Cordy said frowning.
"I watched Giles drink himself to death. It was horrid," Anya said. "Buffy and Xander were both gone, Willow was in the hospital, we didn't know if she'd ever wake up. We needed Giles and then Bam! He's gone too. He couldn't drink enough to forget that those he considered his children were all dead or dying, but he could drink enough to die. I won't let you do that too."
"Why not? I killed him. I wrecked him," Cordy said. "I was doing this tragic "you hurt me" exit with Gunn and Wes supporting poor, helpless, little me out when we realized Angel was the only one with a car. Since Angel was back to normal, aka a perfect gentleman, not to mention remorseful as all get out, he just says 'Gunn already has the keys. I can get back on my own.' Then we left; only Angel didn't get home. Angel died, because of me, because I held a grudge. Then you brought him back. He was so hurt and it was taking so long for him to improve at all so I tried to make him get better. Now he hates me and he hates himself and he's crazy and it's all my fault."
"He just needs time to adjust," Anya replied tossing the scotch bottle in the trashcan. "Like Xander. Being dead and then not, it's a shock. It confuses them, makes them angry but they'll get over it. They'll remember how much they love us, well me. Xander loved me, I don't think Angel ever loved you, unless you two were very discrete about it, and everything will be fine. They'll be glad we brought them back eventually."
~~~*~~~
"In a way you were right Xander," Wesley sighed. "Angel believes he lost his soul before he died. I can't imagine why. I know things were bad. Angel did some very questionable things. He didn't lose his soul though. He'd even taken the first few steps back toward his proper path. Things were getting better. or they would have been getting better if we hadn't thrown his overtures back in his face."
"I think it's time to talk to the one person who knows exactly how Angel died," Xander said quietly. "I know that's the key to fixing him."
"But no one was there," Wesley protested. "No one except Angel and he doesn't seem to remember, not reliably in any case."
"Oh, there was one other," Xander said. "There's the guy who killed him."
~~~*~~~
"You didn't lose your soul," Wesley's words wouldn't leave Angel in peace.
They called into question everything he'd deduced about the last few months of his life.
He remembered cold and fury and failure. He remembered blood on his hands and Cordy and Wes stinking of fear as they confronted him.
And yet Wesley claimed he had never lost his soul.
He remembered Darla and despair and sex and agony.
Wesley said he hadn't lost his soul.
He remembered being left behind and dying. He remembered the helpless agony of a body that wouldn't respond to him and a gloating voice. He remembered the sun.
Wesley said he'd had his soul when they left him to burn.
That couldn't be true. It just couldn't be true. Wes and Cordy were the best friends he'd ever had, they wouldn't have left him to die unless he was already gone.
Wesley said they had.
Wesley said he was a good person. Wesley said he had done nothing unforgivable. Wesley said he helped people.
Why hadn't they helped him? Why had they left him to die?
"Angel let it go."
"I can't Buffy. I thought I understood, but it all falls apart if I had my soul. Buffy? Buffy!" Angel scanned the room, searching for a sign of the Slayer's presence. "Buffy, please come back," he begged of the empty room.
~~~*~~~
"How can Wolfram and Hart assist you, Mr. Harris?" Lindsey asked. "I assure you, we've dealt with any number of vampire clients before this."
In a movement too fast for the human eye to follow Xander grabbed the lawyer by the throat and drug him across his desk. "You could start by telling me how you murdered Angel. If I believe you, I may forgo killing you."
"Homicide, not murder," Lindsey replied. "Bastard had it coming."
"Why?" Xander stressed his question by squeezing Lindsey's neck a little harder.
"He hurt Darla, treated her like some cheap whore. I loved her, but who did she care about?" Lindsey demanded rhetorically. "Him, always him."
Xander shrugged. "Poor mistreated evil demon, I mean Darla may have been a whore, but she was never cheap. I'm all aquiver with sympathy for her. Gimme a stake and I'll put her out of her misery. How'd a human like you kill Angel?"
Lindsey smirked. "You'd be amazed at what a great equalizer a sledgehammer is. He couldn't do much with his brains running out on the pavement. He just lay there until the sun came up and erased all my problems. It's the perfect crime actually, no body and if it ever came to trial I could have half the jury questioning if he'd ever even existed with just my opening statement."
~~~*~~~
"Angel-cakes, my are you a sight for sore eyes," Lorne enthused, hurrying across Caritas to greet the souled vampire. "I heard through the grape-vine you were back among the living, if not breathing, I was wondering when you'd get around to dropping by and may I just say how great."
Lorne's voice ran out of steam as he paused to really look at Angel then in a much more subdued tone of voice he said. "Oh sweetie, you've had it rough haven't you?"
"You read people's destinies?" Angel asked uncertainly. "Do you see their past as well?"
"To an extent," Lorne replied. "Of course, if it's this past you're looking for I could just tell you. We were friends if you've forgotten."
Angel smiled a little. "I thought we might be, it's mostly the last few months before I died that are muddled." The dark haired vampire sighed in frustration. "It's like putting a puzzle together with no idea of what it's supposed to be and half the pieces missing. Just when I think I have it figured out I find another piece and it changes everything."
~~~*~~~
"Gotta apologize, say I'm sorry," Cordelia muttered.
After she'd sent Anya on her way, Cordy had spent several minutes grumbling about the more than half full bottle of scotch the ex-demoness had thrown out, then she'd remembered the bar just a few blocks away. After spending some quality time with alcohol, Cordy had realized what she needed to do. Only someone had moved Xander's warehouse and now she seemed to be lost in a fairly unsavory part of LA.
"Angel!" she called.
~~~*~~~
"Now," the disembodied voice whispered.
Angel started as he walked back toward the warehouse after talking with Lorne.
"You've got to come now."
"Buffy?" Angel asked smiling hopefully.
"No time. You've got to come! Now!"
"I'm coming."
For a moment Angel wondered how he was supposed to follow a disembodied voice, but then he felt a slight tug at his hand.
Angel took off running after her.
Several blocks north of the warehouse a shriek rent the air.
Angel redoubled his speed as the empyreal touch at his hand disappeared.
A large ape-like demon towered over Cordelia, who lay slumped against a building, looking like she'd been thrown there.
Angel's features shifted to the vampire and a low threatening growl reverberated through the alley.
The ape-thing turned, looked Angel over. "Find your own food vampire!" it snarled, brandishing a crude knife at him.
Angel lunged forward, grabbing the demon's knife hand and slamming it against the wall. "She's not food!" he roared, catching the knife as if fell from the creature's suddenly nerveless fingers then embedding it in the demon's throat.
The ape-thing drew one last feeble breath then died.
Angel dropped the carcass then reached down to pull Cordelia to her feet.
"You saved me," she cried wrapping him in an embrace. Angel gagged at the alcoholic fumes emanating from the seer. "After I killed you, you still saved me."
"What were you thinking!" Angel demanded holding her by her shoulders at arms length and giving her a slight shake.
"I had to talk to you," Cordelia mumbled. "I'm so sorry."
Angel sighed and half dragging her along with him, headed back to the warehouse at a quick pace.
Once they were safely inside Angel pointed Cordelia toward the shower Xander had installed in the building and tried to start some coffee brewing.
Angel stared curiously at the coffee grounds scattered across the counter; he wasn't quite sure what had gone wrong. He scooped up another cup full of grounds and watched in surprise as the scoop shook, spilling its contents again. Angel set down the scoop and peered at his hands, they were shaking. Inside his head he could hear someone screaming in unmitigated terror. There were rules. You can't break the rules. Bad things happen.
Angel forced himself through a meditative exercise. Pushing the terror that was both familiar and alien away.
He picked up the coffee can again and started a pot brewing, then swept up the mess into the garbage.
Thirty minutes later Cordelia sat across the table from Angel, cradling a cup of coffee. "I should have known better. Wandering around after dark, drunk off my ass, I was just asking for something to come and eat me."
"Yeah," Angel replied. "Xander can walk you home when he gets back. Until then, try to stay out of trouble."
Angel headed for the door. Cordelia jumped up and caught his arm then groaned and clutched her head. "Ugh, hang-overs are almost worse than visions."
Angel jerked away from her.
"Angel wait!" Cordelia yelled. When Angel stopped and turned back she said, "I'm sorry you died. I was mean and you were hurting and it was all my fault. I killed you, Angel. I'm so sorry."
"No," Angel said quietly. "Lindsey killed me."
"It was my fault," Cordelia insisted. "I might as well have killed you. I left you and you died."
"It's not the same thing," Angel said.
"Yes it is!"
"The PTB make a distinction between me locking Wolfram and Hart's special projects division in a room with two vampires and murder according to what Lorne says," Angel said. "If that's true there is no way anyone can hold you responsible for my death just because you weren't there to stop it from happening."
"I don't give a damn about what the PTB think," Cordy replied. "I got you killed."
"You did not," Angel insisted. "We had a falling out which was my fault. I tried to apologize; you weren't ready to accept it. Then I died, which has nothing to do with what happened between us."
"Lindsey McDonald shouldn't have been able to kill you. You're you, he's human, you had to have let him, that was my fault!"
"That would have been true in a fair fight," Wesley said as he and Xander stepped into the room.
"Of course considering Lindsey ran him over with a truck about five times then laid into him with a sledgehammer, fair fight isn't exactly the term I'd use," Xander said.
"Angel didn't commit suicide Cordelia," Wesley clarified. "And you didn't lose your soul either, Angel. We all made mistakes. We all made bad judgment calls. But we've all got a second chance, I think it's time we put the past behind us, don't you?"
Angel smiled tentatively. "Sounds like a plan. So you'll drive Cordy home and I'll see you both at the office tomorrow?"
Wes patted Angel on the shoulder. "Glad to have you back", he said.
"Me too," Cordelia added smiling broadly. "Oh Xander, Anya's in town, she said she need to talk to you. Here's her hotel number. If you don't go talk to her I think she'll track you down."
~~~*~~~
"What are you playing at Angel?" Xander asked.
Angel slowly looked up from the folder Wesley had given him. "What do you mean?"
"You can't just say you're going to start fresh and everything's magically okay again," Xander snapped. "You aren't the same, you died, you have everything that happened to you in the other dimension inside you. You can't just ignore that."
"Why not? What other choice do I have?" Angel said. "Sit by and watch while guilt destroys the people I care about, like you're doing? Let them waste their lives trying to 'fix' me?"
"I don't get it, twenty-four hours ago, you couldn't live with this and now you can?" Xander asked.
"I believed I'd lost my soul again," Angel said. "I didn't even know how it happened. All I knew for sure was how I hadn't lost my soul during the century before I met Buffy. I tried to go back to that, because it was safe, but I had to keep reminding myself of why I had to live like that. Of why I could let myself care about anything."
Angel paused, waiting for Xander's complete attention. "Nothing is worth risking Angelus being set loose on the world again. I'd think you of all people would understand that. Do you want to go back to being the monster you were? I honestly believe that if I die now my soul will be damned, but if I thought that it was inevitable that the curse would break again, I'd be watching the sunrise this morning, wouldn't you?"