Willow's mind was racing as fast as her feet and heart as she replayed
the scene she'd just left behind over and over again in her
head. She couldn't believe that she'd said that she loved Spike. To
Buffy of all people. Not to mention all the other stuff that
she'd blurted out. It might have all been true, and things that she'd
wanted to say for weeks now, but she'd promised herself that
she wasn't going to.

"AAAAAARRRRRRGGGHHHHH" she screamed in frustration, startling a minion
who'd been following her, hoping for an easy meal. He didn't
think she had even noticed him so far, but something told him that this
wasn't the happy meal he was looking for and he slunk off
into the bushes, to wait for an easier target.

As she ran, the rain came on, and before long she was soaked through to
the skin, but still she ran on, ignoring the driving rain
and the burning in her legs and chest from the exertion. She just wanted
to run and run and run. She wasn't even paying attention
to where she was running.

Before she knew it, she was standing at the door to Spike's crypt.
Startled out of her near trance state, she reached her hand up
to knock, but stopped herself midway. She didn't think she was quite
ready to face Spike. She just couldn't bear the look on his
face and she told him that she hadn't even got around to trying to talk
Buffy into giving him a chance... and there was no way that
she could tell him why either.

Turning away, she headed in the direction of her parents house. She knew
that they wouldn't be there, and that way she wouldn't
have to see anyone and she could take some time to think about what she
was going to do now.

As she squished and squelched up the path to the front door of her
parents home, she was almost glad that her parents were away so
much, it gave her somewhere she could run to when the world was getting
too much. Somewhere that no-one would would bother her for
a copy of her notes, or stop by and ask her to go for coffee, or to a
party or any one of the million and one things that people
had been doing since Tara had left. It was almost as if they thought
that she'd fall to pieces if she was left alone at all.

Spike was the only one who know that she still came back sometimes.
They'd spend more than a few evenings together on the couch,
watching stupid movies and pigging out on munchies. Sometimes they'd
talk for hours afterwards. Willow blushed as she remembered
one particular time where she'd fallen asleep on the sofa while they'd
been talking. Or rather, she didn't remember falling
asleep... just waking up fully clothed on top of her bed, and finding a
note propped up on her computer keyboard saying "Couldn't
bear to wake you, pet. Hope you had sweet dreams. - S". When she got
downstairs, she discovered that not only had he put her to
bed, he'd also tidied up. She'd run back upstairs to get the note to
reassure herself that he'd actually been there the night
before, because there was no sign of anyone having been in the house at all.

She still had the note, kept carefully between the pages of a book that
she knew that no-one would ever look in. The paper was all
soft and floppy from being handled so much. Every so often she'd take it
out and read it again, her fingers tracing the strong
handwriting on the page.

As she closed and locked the door behind her she let out a sigh of
relief. She was safe. She'd deal with Buffy and the rest of the
inevitable fall-out when she was good and ready.

She made her way up the stairs, towards her bedroom, starting to peel
off the outer layers of her clothes, which had long since
stuck to her, making her teeth chatter, now the adrenaline of the run
had gone.

She threw her wet things into the bathtub in the main bathroom and made
her way through into her own bedroom. Grabbing her bathrobe
she went into her bathroom and turned on the shower as hot as she dared,
and hanging the robe over the warming rail, stepped under
the warm spray.

As she rubbed herself down to try and get the warmth back into her
limbs, she looked down at herself and wondered what Spike saw in
Buffy that he didn't see in her. Were her boobs not big enough? Was her
hair not blonde enough? What was it that was so wrong with
her that no-one would stay with her?

Shaking her head, she turned off the shower, grabbed the robe and tied
it while she walked through to her room. Reaching out, she
flipped the switch on the radio and with the sounds of the local radio
station's classic rock hour filling the room, she sat down
at her desk, opened her journal and began to write.

** What a day today was. Spike. Oh Spike. He told Buffy how he felt, and
she threw it back in his face. Stupid bitch. Her loss I
suppose. But mine too, because it was my shoulder he came to cry on...
and so I did the usual Willow thing. I tried to help, and
when Buffy called (probably to get me to do the uninvite spell on her
house, although it's not like I let her get that far) I went,
not to be there for her, but to try and talk her into giving him a
chance. **

/ I can't fight this feeling any longer
And yet I'm still afraid to let it flow
What started out as friendship, has grown stronger
I only wish I had the strength to let it show

I tell myself that I can't hold out forever
I said there is no reason for my fear
Cause I feel so secure when we're together
You give my life direction
You make everything so clear /

** I should have known that it would be a stupid thing to do. Buffy
would never in a million years let anyone know even if she did
have feelings for Spike. Not after Angel. She just wouldn't.

So I lost my temper and I shouted at her, and oh goddess, I told her
that I loved Spike! I wasn't going to tell him. Or her. Or
anyone. Ever.

Now she'll go and tell everyone and they'll all laugh at me, and
Spike... how will I ever face him. How can I ever even look him in
the eyes again without letting him know how I feel? **

/ And even as I wander
I'm keeping you in sight
You're a candle in the window
On a cold, dark winter's night
And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might

And I can't fight this feeling anymore
I've forgotten what I started fighting for
It's time to bring this ship into the shore
And throw away the oars, forever /

** I'm so, so stupid. I've ruined everything. He'll never love me, and
now I've gone and ruined the friendship we had. **

Willow looked up from her journal as a teardrop splashed on the page,
blurring the ink it had landed on. She wiped her eyes
furiously, but it was no use. The tears just kept coming, soaking the
page and making the ink run.

Reaching for a tissue she blew her nose loudly, glad that no-one could
see her now.

/ Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore
I've forgotten what I started fighting for
And if I have to crawl upon the floor
Come crushing through your door
Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore

My life has been such a whirlwind since I saw you
I've been running round in circles in my mind
And it always seems that I'm following you, girl
Cause you take me to the places that alone I'd never find

And even as I wander I'm keeping you in sight
You're a candle in the window on a cold, dark winter's night
And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might

And I can't fight this feeling anymore
I've forgotten what I started fighting for
It's time to bring this ship into the shore
And throw away the oars, forever

Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore
I've forgotten what I started fighting for
And if I have to crawl upon the floor
Come crushing through your door
Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore. /

As the song ended, she turned off the radio and climbed wearily into
bed, pulling the covers over her head and letting the tears
flow freely as she waited for sleep to come.

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