Whatever happened to Miss Kitty?

Author: Fayth

E-mail: moonwitch@werewolf.co.uk

Paring: W/S

Rating: Not sure of rating, Miss Kitty's mom was an alley cat so she knows some spectacular swearwords.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. If I owned Spike do you think I'd be wasting time writing fan fiction?

Dedication: For my sister Sophie (aka little Dawnie) who seems seriously depressed.

Distribution: Redssoulmates, Breathe, liveforme,


~Part: 1~

First up, I'd like to say that this isn't my fault. I was perfectly normal before all this happened. How they thought that it wouldn't change me- I have no idea. I mean they had changed and so had all the people around them, so why they thought that their magic wouldn't interfere with their pets.  Witches! Let me start at the beginning. My name is Miss Kitty Fantastico. Yeah, yeah I know but I didn't choose the name- could have been worse; I could have been named Buffy! That really would have impressed the alley cats.

So anyway I was the runt of the litter, my mom was a bitch (actually a Cat- but you know what I mean.) and I was taken to this pet shop. One day I was sitting there with my fifteen brothers and sisters being ignored in favour of other cute pets, when I happened to sneeze and was immediately singled out by this girl who declared it the cutest thing she had ever seen. She picked me up and took me over to her friend. Now I'm a cat of the world but I seriously thought these two were friends, maybe roommates. Not lovers. They just didn't vibe well together as potential bed buddies.

They took me home. The one who thought I was cute was called Willow- now that's a good name for a cat. And her "friend" Tara- that's not a good name for anybody. Ok so I don't actually offend anybody I do like the name. no actually I forget I'm a cat I couldn't give a mouse's ass who I offend.

It wasn't long before I realised that I was bunking with two witches. All fine and dandy so far- except you have to realise that I was a kitten- a curious kitten. Always poking around where I wasn't supposed to be and licking. accidentally discarded urns and bowls and droplets of Isis knows what. The next thing I know BOOM thoughts! Intellect and serious issues! Previously all I'd had to worry about was food, sleep and where the next tomcat was to take away my "itches". Oh and the occasional ball of string. Now I'm worried food, where my witches are, what they up to, if they have saved the world, food, sleep, how badly my witches mesh, more food and if the tomcat has a "future" or sound investment.

Life used to be so simple.

Anyway now that was my life story so now here is my reason for starting this whole thing. My witch isn't happy with Tara. I know it; she knows it- hell I bet Tara knows it too. But she did give up that freak show of a dog boy (Who I still have day mares about, incidentally, how could my mistress date a wolf? They are one step up from dogs and I still believe that he tried to eat me on his last visit here. I don't believe his "oh Wills I was just giving Miss Kitty a kiss." Sucker! Wasn't quite so happy about the ahem. present I left in his guitar case!)

Back on track, Willow isn't happy. And that makes me unhappy so I Miss Kitty will just have to find a new guy/girl/whatever for my mistress.

And I think I know just the creature.


He drops by occasionally to warn Willow of impending doom and she grabs her books and goes to save the world. Now little known fact that Mr "high and mighty hey you get off my duster" has a little crush on my Mistress, how do I know? Listen up to this conversation I uh.accidentally overheard.

"Hey Witch."

"Spike what are you doing here?"

"Watcher sent me to get you, evil's a brewing."

"Oh!" pause. "Why didn't he just call?"

Beat. "How the bloody hell am I supposed to know? I'm not a bleeding mind reader maybe he wanted to make sure you get there safe."

Yeah sure and my name is Fido. Book guy, who knows and loves my witch, sends the blonde pain in his butt to walk the sweet innocent girl who has the power to turn said blonde into a frog and keep her safe? Two words NUH and Uh.

Spike (which is also not a comforting name for a cat.) wants Willow to be safe. And why??? Because he has feelings for her, the same kind of feelings I get from a hot fire and a big ball of wool. Satisfaction, craving and stomach tickles.

Now the big question is how does Willow feel about tall, blonde and drool some? (I'm a cat- not blind.)

When she got back from the saving of the world thing, she was muttering to me. Grabbed me up in her lap and stroked me, behind my ears which are what I really like.

"Oh Miss Kitty, you are adorable."

Sure thing sugar, keep the praise coming.

"Why does he have to be so annoying?" Aha! "I mean we try to be nice to him."

It's not easy for a cat to arch eyebrows that we haven't got but I mange to persuade her of my disbelief all the same.

"Ok so they don't, Buffy is particularly horrible to him, especially after he told her had a crush on her."


"Well he doesn't anymore, he told me that tonight. He said that he'd mistaken his feeling of wanting to kill her to just wanting her. But he's back to wanting her dead now." And why did he feel the need to tell you that huh?

"It was really weird Miss Kitty; it was like he was trying to start a conversation with me. So I asked him if he was ok- he was being all normal and stuff and then he got mad and started muttering about women and bloody trying too hard and then he got all quiet."

Willow frowned down at me "I hope I didn't upset him."

And why is that? "He can actually be quiet nice and." ok I'm trying to pay attention but she's rubbing my tummy just there and hey I'm still a cat! Stop musing and.oh right there. so Ahem! Spike?

"He'd never even look at me that way anyway, I'm not pretty."

Oh cats in hell, look Willow ditch the preschool clothes and you could be a total hottie hey what about those shoes Buffy bought you last birthday? Let me get them and we can see. Add these babies to a short mini skirt and tight top and Spike will be your oyster.

"You like my shoes Miss Kitty, you are so cute!"



So convincing Willow might be hard, maybe Spike needs a little encouragement. I just hope his chip extends to animals as well as humans.

I wait until the two witches are doing. spells- sheesh and I thought Dogs had dirty minds, you humans are so much worse. Then I'm off out the window, down the pipe and gracefully land on my paws on the ground. Oh 9.7 for dismount.

The street is an amazing place at night. Hey Bitch walking here! Stupid woman I have a good mind to go after her and rip her stockings to shreds. As I was saying before I was rudely stepped on the street is amazing. So many smells and sights to see. Like a social calendar or newspaper.

Sniffing that lamppost I can tell that George had been eating at the Curry house dumpster again and Miffy is pregnant with <sniff sniff> Well, well Mrs Potter is gonna be pissed when pure bred Miffy has alley Kitties. Oh and it seems there is a new mutt in town, best keep my nose to the ground.

Ack cemetery's is there any where creepier- except a kennel?

So now to find Spike.

~Part: 2~ Cat-napped

The crypt was easy to find, that's partially because I'm such a great tracker and partly because Spike's cigarettes and leather scent would be obvious to a terminally cold infested dachshund. Plus he seems to enjoy playing his music at levels that would frighten Punk stars. It's not natural in a cemetery- would wake the dead. please forget that I just said that.

Anyway crypt found and entered. Nicely furnished too, old sofa and chairs, fridge, T.V (note to self- how can you get electricity in a crypt?) and rickety bed. And ooh rats.  Wonder if he uses them as a snack .and it's possible I've just wierded myself out.

"Hello, how did you get in here?"

Holy shit! How the hell did he creep up on a cat?????? I swear I just lost one of my nine lives and he stands there smirking- bastard. Fine, get Willow all on your own -smarmy asshole.

"Oh don't look at me like that. Come here kitty, did I scare you huh? Sorry baby I'm a bad rude man. Let me see if I have some milk or something around here."


"No but I have some whisky."

I take back my previous comments; this Vampire is an amazingly sexy and astute person who deserves accolades. He picks me up and strokes me while I sip whisky from an old tin cap. I guess he doesn't have any bone china around the place. Bone china in a cemetery- BONE in a cemetery get it? <Sigh> I don't know why I bother sometimes.

"You look familiar kitty, seen you about have I?" Who does this guy think he is- Yoda?

He continues stroking me and that's all well and good but it's not what I came here for. Come on man, cute kitty here- spill about your love life.

"Red has a cat like you."

Thank you!!!

"What I wouldn't give to be her cat, sitting on her bed being stroked, tummy tickles-"

Yes it's a good life

"Being able to creep up her in the night and lay next to her on the pillow, surrounded by her scent-"


"Or maybe snuggle in between her-"

Hey, HEY way too much information buster, yeesh! He's as bad as a cat in heat. A panting dog, rutting rhino (do Rhino's actually rut? Did I *mention* that I used to be a normal cat?).

Anyway so he wants my Mistress, all I wanted to know. Thank you so very much. Nice whisky pal be seeing you.

"Hey stop squirming kitty. I've been a little down at the tables recently and I think you'll do for an ante."

What? What is he talking about? Ante?

A cold chill is creeping up my back passage as I recall a conversation a few weeks ago.


"So the stupid sod folded with three kings and all I had was a lousy pair and I won. Got the whole kit and cattery- as it were."

"You know Spike; I liked the story up until that point."

"Oh come on Red, it's not like I actually eat them and they're strays, probably die in a few days anyway."

He was talking metaphorically wasn't he; he doesn't actually play poker with cats right? RIGHT?

"Stop squirming you damn bitch, Ow put them bloody claws away, in the cage you go. There's a nice Kitty. Now when's the next game- why I do believe its tonight. Lucky Kitty."

Lucky? LUCKY? Here I was trying to do a good deed and look at where I am now.  You bloody *£$%@#" I hope your "£$%^& drops off when you "£*&%^ you damn @#~? &#8719;!!!! You just wait until I get out of here, I'll crap in your duster pocket!

Oh my God, I've been Cat- napped!!!


Ok I have been here for hours and I'm now a pissed kitty. I have intellect and a bleeding IQ you yuppie scum dweeb! Unlike some unsophisticated cats I read the papers lining my litter tray before I pee! I have a sodding guardian subscription! Pissant. (Are you learning some nice British swearwords?) Oh shit he's coming over.

"Come on sweetness, time for my game."

He takes me out of my cage and sticks me in a basket and leaves the crypt.

For about ten minutes all I can feel is bumps and bangs as he walks along and then the really loud trash that passes for music before everything gets dull again and I am smacked down on the floor in my basket.



"Hey Spike, long time no see."


"Gentlemen and demons."

OK from the muttering there seems to be about six demons of assorted icky ness- as Willow would say. Do they actually eat cats? Oh goddess Isis and Bastet Queen of cats, I promise if you get me out of this I will never.um do anything to piss you off again- ever!

"So Spike, I heard you been seen around with the Slayer."


"Never figured you for a traitor."

Bang, bang, roar, snuff. Ok five assorted demons.

"Not what I heard."

"What was that?"

"You have been sniffing around the Slayers right hand gal, that red head. Powerful witch that. I tol' 'em Spike aren't no traitor he's probably playing an Anne Rice thing to get close and change the broad. Right? Sneak 'em right out from under the Slayers nose like."

"You know Herb, I always figured you for the smart one. Don't spread it around though. I don't want it getting back to the Slayer and ballsing up my plans."

"Sure thing Spike. Ante up."

Oh crap.

"Have one on me Spike."

"Cheers mate."

Yes, oh goddess yes. I could kiss you, except that from what I can see through the basket you have a weird spine thing going on. I may be scared but I still have standards.


The game goes on for hours and I hear yells, conversation, gossip, cheers, jeers and shouts, kittens appear in my basket bewildered and are taken out at the start of each game just as confused. Sometimes Spike is wining and sometimes he loses. I learn new swearwords as I hide at the back of the basket. I'm not a coward; I'm the most intelligent cat in the basket. I think I may have gotten away with it and may live to tell the tale.

Then one by one all the cats are taken out of the basket and I hear a familiar and oh so scary voice say

"I'll raise you a litter."

"I'll see your litter, and raise you my Rolex what else you got?"

"Your Rolex is worth shit to me pal."

"Fine I got two weeks worth of blood bags from the hospital, fresh."

"Ok then."

"What can you raise me Spike?"

"Well mate, I got a very special kitty, in my basket."

Oh no.

"Pure, fresh and has a little aura. Clean, probably someone's pet. House trained therefore will keep."

"Lemme see."

Oh god, oh god, oh god. I'm too young to be eaten. I've got so much I haven't done, I've never travelled or had kittens or eaten haddock. Please help!!

Spike's hand reaches inside the basket and I'm reminding him that vampires aren't the only creatures that draw blood.

"Bloody bitch!" he chuckles "Feisty little thing."

I'm dragged out by my collar and passed over the table like chump change to this demon with folds in his skin like an elephant's package.

"Oh Spike you can't give up this little cute-y."

"Shut it Clem and pass it to Herb."

No let me stay with Clem, I like Clem.

"She's a beauty. Hey and she has a collar, if found please return to Willow Rosenberg,"

Spike's head shoots up "What?"

Clem points to my collar "Just what it says on the collar and an address. Oh and her name's here too."

Spike reaches across the table and snatches me out of Clem's hand "Miss Kitty. Fantastico." He groans

"Wassa matter Spike."

"I can't give up this bloody cat."

Oh thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Herb sits up in anticipation "Then you have to forfeit."

"Not bloody likely mate, I'll raise you uh. uh my bleeding duster."

There was a sharp intake of breath

"Your duster?"


"I fold."


"Any hand that Spike says is worthy of giving up his duster is one I can't beat. I fold."

A huge grin spreads across Spike's face

"Royal flush. I win, stick the kittens in my bag, I have to run. No not this one, my uh lucky cat stays right here."

So I'm shoved in Spike's prize duster while the other cats are rammed into the basket. He gets up and we're gone.


He drops the basket of cats on the floor of the tomb and opens a hatch into downstairs that I hadn't seen before and then he takes the cats down there. I really hope he doesn't eat them while I'm right here. But I am so surprised that I almost lose another life when he opens a pen large enough to house a couple of thousand bunnies (annoying little creatures, I see Anya's distaste quite easily.) and he pours them in. Now the little guys have enough room to run about all day. If it wasn't for the overwhelming urge to rip off his head and shove it up his ass, I'd think Spike was quite a softie.

Now we're back upstairs and Spike takes me out of his duster and cradles me in his lap. He bends down and looks me in the eye. Not quite seeing the homicidal rage that warns him that if he gets any closer, he'll be tracking his prey by brail. Asshole.

"You are a beautiful cat."

Flattery will get you nowhere pal. You are still number one on my shit list.

"Absolutely gorgeous."

Yeah and.

"I can't believe I nearly let you go." He lifted me to his face and took a deep sniff.

"You smell good too, like Willow. I don't know why I never noticed it before."

Not saying I'm shallow or anything but he is a demon and he didn't know that I was Willow's cat, and he did save me until last. Said I was a special kitty and a lucky cat. Guess the guy has taste. Ok maybe flattery will get you somewhere.

"Now see, pet. I have a dilemma. On the one hand, I could take you back to Red. Who is undoubtedly missing your cute little arse or I could keep you here, with me. Be nice having a pet about the place, liven things up some. Be like having part of Red with me."

Newsflash. William the bloody is nothing more than a big softie!

Now do I stay or do I go?

Note: Normally we say no animals were harmed duringthe making of this story. This is untrue.Quite a fewof the kittens were eaten and Miss Kitty herself wasextremely pissed off and quite traumatised and had tosit in Spike's lap and drink whisky and milk for agesbefore she was able to calm down.

She might press charges, depends if she can find a good lawyer.

Who speaks cat.

~Part: 3~ Con-CAT-cting a plan.

So I stayed, Spike is a cutie and at least this way I don't have to put up with that Tara chick (also Willow wouldn't give me Whisky.)

So now what? Well my Master plan of getting Willow and Spike together still holds. Just think Willow tickling my tummy while Spike feeds me whisky sweetened milk.

No I am not an Alcoholic.

How am I going to achieve this though? First port of call was to ascertain their feelings- check. Wills loves Spike and Spike has some fascinating dreams about Wills. What was that? What dreams? Oh did I miss that part out? <Evil grin>

Well after my little kidnapping and poker table debacle Spike bought me back here. Flattery, flattery, booze- will you move in with me?

I agreed, because I was worried about him. So he went to sleep with me wrapped around him. Completely by accident. Sure.

Anyway I woke up to find little ol' Spikey whimpering like a week old kitten. I guess I smell a little too like Willow for his peace of mind.

He was murmuring her name and writhing about on the sarcophagus there was mention of her toes and soft warm hands (note: is she a closet contortionist?) and her hair also got quite a mention- and a "standing" ovation- if you know what I mean.


Ouch- Spike is home! He just banged the door of the crypt open and stormed in

"Bloody bitch."

I'm guessing now is not the time to ask for tummy tickles.

"Stupid useless tramp."

Ah he's mad at the Slayer.

"Not neutered!"

She's been insulting him again.

"Souled Poof."

And comparing him to his Sire.

"Sodding whelp."

Xander was helping.


He'd like to rip their heads off and spit down their necks.

Really it's not hard to speak "Spike".


Excuse me?

"Miss Kitty?"

That's better.

"There you are pet," oh that's nice! Keep stroking Vamp boy.

"I picked up some Milk and cream from the shop for you. Used the Watchers money again. Should be happy at helping a fellow Brit, not complaining all the sodding time. Why the hell do I put up with their shit?"

Am I supposed to answer that?


Oh okay, because then you can be next to Willow?

"Because I want the witch." <Sigh> "She yelled at them good and proper, told 'em not to pick on me all the time. Called 'em meanies. Meanies- who says that?"

Oh Lord, obviously Willow needs lessons in Cussing- I'm almost embarrassed.

"Do you think that maybe she likes me?"

Does yellow snow taste funny?

"I told her I didn't need her help and left before they answered her back, couldn't help it. That bloody Pasty witch was looking at me like she could see right through me. Freaks me out something rotten, what my Red sees in her I'll never know."

Err backtrack Mr Moody why did you tell Willow that?

"It's bad enough I'm all helpless without everyone thinking I cant stick up for me self."

Oh Cat gods, please spare me this low self-esteem issues. Like I didn't get enough of that with Willow.

"She looked amazing when she was mad, her hair was all fiery and her eyes glowed you know. Beauty she was, pure Goddess. Could a shagged her right then and there."

Oh yeah and that so would have given you brownie points with her. Dumbass. Alright so we need a plan. Get her away from the witch- be proactive, fight for what you want.

"But she'd never look at me."

No no, not self pity- proactively. Are you a man or a mouse? Angel would do it. Ok how to transmit this message. Aha!

"What's that?"

What does it bleeding well look like?

"Where did you get that picture of Red? Give it here; give it Kitty- come on."

No- fight for it.

"Give the bloody thing here I'll fight you for it."

And we wait for the penny to drop.

"Fight for it- fight for Red."

Thank you. It's not easy being a cat.

"Thank you Kitty, I gotta fight for my Red. Like pasty the snow witch could last against William the Bloody. I was seducing women before her sodding ancestors were glints in the Milkman's eyes. I want her, I'll get her."

Neanderthal man makes another appearance.

"So I need a plan."

Does the word Duh? Mean anything to you?

"I need my witch to start thinking of me like a man not a Vampire and I need to get her away from the pasty witch."

Good thinking Bat man. How to get her thinking of you as a man?

Oh I have a naughty idea; all I have to do is wait for night fall.

~Part: 4~ Cat got your tongue?

Here I am just a-walking down the street, Spike is asleep-AGAIN!

I swear that Vamp only likes to sleep because of his Willow dreams!

But that's not the important part, no no the important part is yet to come.

So I'm on my way to Willow's, I've only been gone a few days but so much has happened at my favourite passing post.

Miffy got kicked out because Miss Potter found out about the alley cat. The new mutt in town is a regular Don Juan de Puppyo staking his claim around all the night spots- gotta keep an eye out for that one. Oh and George seems to be living at the Curry house dumpster. Clare's back, silly cat- always used to look down on me. Her owner was this vacuous airhead who went to the same school as my Mistress and she was Vamped, Clare did a runner because apparently she thought her Mistress was going to snack on her. Poor Clare- I wonder who started that nasty rumour? Hehehe. Oh I'm at Willow's already. And look-y here the window is all open she must have missed me. Ok now here is the hard part.

Hey! Oh shit. Meow.

"Miss Kitty is that you?"

And how- exactly would I answer you if it wasn't? Are we sure this girl was on the honour roll?

"There you are, oh are you hurt?"

Yes I'm limping <cough, cough> and <pathetic meow.> I'm hurt. C'mon Willow.

"Oh you're shivering. Poor Kitty come inside."

Nuh uh, come on honey.

"Hey Miss Kitty, don't go, I wont hurt you."

Outside come on Willow, don't disappoint.

"Wait, I'm coming."

Good girl.

So the silly girl comes outside in the dark and follows me, always trying to catch up and never quite making it, I lead her to the cemetery. I know it's cruel but every time she stops and hesitates to go home like a sensible girl, I give my best kitten trapped in a mine meow. Works like a charm. So here we are in the graveyard. Ooh look whose crypt could that be?

"Hey Miss Kitty, where are you, where did you go?" her eyes widen as she glimpses Spike's crypt.


She pushes open Spike's door and I give feel like I not only got the cream but ate the canary and karate kicked the dog's ass.

You know why? Because, the fact that Willow got over here isn't the best part. The fact that Spike doesn't have covers on isn't the best part.

You want to know the best part?

Spike sleeps naked.

"Eep!" Ok what is it with that noise? Is it therapeutic or something coz I've gotta say- I don't get it. However it does alert Spike to the fact that there is someone in the crypt because he leaps to his feet.

His gloriously naked feet.

"Willow?" he sounds more than a little surprised.

Willow is blushing like a virgin bride and stammering and yet she can't take her eyes away from him. Hehehe this is so much fun.

"S-spike, h-hi. um hey." Uh-oh she looked down and could her eyes *get* any wider?

"Eep!" again with that word! Come on girl you have a three digit IQ! Say something else.

"What are you doing here Red?" that sneaky sod is actually preening like a big.well -cat! Ah wait for it... yup there's the stretch that he just knows makes his muscles ripple.  I of course am forgotten in the medley of hormones so I am able to slink in and hide in the darkened corner and observe it all. Not a peeping Tom (and that is a very uncomplimentary term for a cat.) I am just concerned of the welfare of my potential masters and hope that by monitoring their association I can relay my previous plans to suit their current situation. Oh sod off.

"I. uh." Score two for the Vamp making Willow all non- verbal.

He takes pity on her and grabs a towel to wrap around his waist.

"Everything Okay Red?" he raises an eyebrow and smirks at her.

"Uh yeah I just came here to find my-"YES OK! enough of the course jokes- sheesh like I didn't see those coming a mile off!

"Cat." See if Willow, presented by the sight of virile Vamp flesh can avoid saying the P word then so can you. Honestly pussy jokes are so passé you bunch of frat boys!

"Your cat?" realisation dawns on Spikes face and he takes the defensive "What makes you think I've got her?"

"Oh nothing, it's just she came to my window all meowie and hurt and when I tried to get her she ran off, and I chased her and she came near here. I just wondered if you'd seen her."

Spike looked mildly surprised- there's a surprise.

Stupid vampire doesn't realise that I'm actually trying to help him. So help yourself! Dumbass.

"Your cat?" another one who you wouldn't believe had a three digit IQ.

"Miss Kitty Fantastico. My cat - well our cat, I-I guess. Although I did have her first so technically she's my cat, but she's been missing for a few days and I was really worried and then she was all hurt and I was scared and she came to the graveyard, and you kinda live here- well not *live* because your all dead, not that I have a problem with that because I don't. I like dead people- some dead people those who don't try to kill me, a-and some that do- because you and Angel have tried to kill me and I still like you and Angel is ok I guess. Anyway my cat." Willow blushes as she manages to babble splendidly and makes me wish she had pretended to be mute.

But Spike finds it cute. So I guess that's something.

"Oh well I can't say I have, pet."

"Say you have what?" And I know I can't be the only one to roll my eyes here.

"Seen your cat."   Spike manages not to laugh as she is so obviously distracted by him.

"Oh, good, not good where is she? She's hurt."

"Well Red, the cemetery is no place for you at night so how 'bout I get dressed and walk you home and then I'll come back and look for your cat?"

That look on her face is so pathetically grateful I almost feel guilty- emphasis on almost.

Although that look on Spike's face is pure sap and makes me want to use his duster as my personal scratching post. Imbecile.

"Thank you Spike."

"No problem sweets." He goes to remove the towel

"Wait! What are you doing?" Willow's voice goes straight through my sensitive ears.

"Getting dressed?" Spike tries not to smirk

"Oh!" she blushes- again! And turns around. Spike looks a little disappointed but gets dressed quickly.

"Let's go then Red." Willow scrambles out of the crypt and into the night and Spike follows her. Before he closes the door he turns, peers into the darkness and fixes me with a look.

"When I get back we'll be having ourselves a little talk."



He was back in an hour and immediately sought me out. "Here little one." Ex-cuse me? For one I am not little and two I am at no ones beck and call.

"Oh come on, pet." Fine. Jackass.

He lifts me up again and looks into my eyes.

"Ok now this is the thing, I have more than a sneaking suspicion that you can understand me, you can can't you?"

Oops. Yeah ok so what?

"Shake that little kitty head of yours for yes." Shake it for yes? Ok yes I can understand you.

"I bet it has something to do with Red's magic, right?"

Once again your powers of perception astonish me.

"So I told you I wanted Red to see me as a man, so you bring her here to see me naked." I shake my head

"Well." He looks ridiculously pleased "I owe you one."

Actually more than one- lest we forget about Kitty poker.

"I take it that you want me and Red to get together then." Give the Vamp a biscuit- yes I want you to get together!

"Right so with you on my side we can make a plan. She now thinks of me as a man," smirk "I can tell that much. Now how to get her away from that pasty bitch. Any thoughts?"

Gee, let me just open up my mind ray and tell you- why do I always have to make the plan Pinky?

"Ok no need to look like that, I do realise that you can't talk you know."

Yay, he has a brain cell that functions above the waist! Just the one, mind.

"So how's this for a plan. I tie her up." Hiss "That's a no then?" What do you think? He watches corny soaps and that's the best he could come up with? Aaron Spelling eat your heart out.

"Seduce." Now were talking.

"I'm good at that." Sure you are Spikey my boy. Actually I'm thinking something a little less subtle. Let's see how can I convey this?

Magazine over here flick and point.

"What's that pet? Ransom? Poofy movie with Mel freaking Gibson? What I'm supposed to take her to the movies?"

Oh Lord won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz so then I can buy Blondie here a clue!! Wait here we go.

"Kiss and make up. What? Just kiss? Ransom and Kiss? Oh I get it!"

Let's hope so because they don't make aspirin for cats.


"Hey Spike."

"Red." Miss Kitty, great now we know each others names can we get down to business? Passions is on in- actually forget I just said that. Please.

"You called and said you had some information for me about Miss Kitty?"

"That's right. Oh and nice name by the way." Yeah, yeah rub it in you bloodsucking leech. At least I wasn't named after a cartoon pit bull who got his ass kicked by a mouse!

"But that information is going to cost you."

"Oh." Silence and then "I have some money."

"I don't want your money love."

"Then what?"

"I give you information about Miss Kitty and you give me what I want."

"Which is what?"

"A kiss."

~Part: 5~ Cat-alyst of Events

Did I mention that Willow looks adorable when doing a goldfish impression?

"A what?"

"A kiss." Spike smirks at her expression. "You give me a kiss and I give you information about your cat."

Willow manages to look outraged and intrigued at the same time "But- but that's bribery!" Give the girl a candy apple.

"Yup." Spike looks ridiculously pleased with himself- huh like he could have come up with that plan by himself, Sherlock Holmes he ain't!

Willow opens and closes her mouth a few times trying to formulate a response. Spike starts to pout

"Oh Red, your crushing my ego here. Just one little kiss."

It would take more than a 20 tonne elephant to crush your ego.

"I'm with Tara." Oh bad move honey mentioning the pasty witch, now Spike has moved the seduction up a layer- as per my instructions, giving with the aid of the television paper and a Terry Pratchett book. Did I mention that I used to be a normal cat?

"Really?" Spike raises an eyebrow "does she make you happy pet, seems to me that you haven't been as chirpy recently. Is little witchy giving you what you need? Fulfilling your desires and dreams, fantasies?"

Ok screw being a normal cat if it means I get Spike's honeyed voice whispering that sort of sinful stuff.

"Does she make your pulse race- like it is now; make the blood pump faster, your heart flutter?" He moves in close, doing us cat predators' proud "Your breath catch in your throat, warmth spread throughout your body, igniting flames wherever it travels?" he's got her backed up against a wall. Hands either side of her head and he's leaning in. Her eyes are almost closed and her breathing is all erratic.

Well, well- not as immune as you thought huh Wills? Spike moves until his lips are just a hairsbreadth away from hers and whispers.

"Does she satisfy you, Red?" Willow closes her eyes totally and Spike pulls away hiding a self-satisfied smirk.

"Or maybe I'm wrong." His voice is normal and Willow's eyes snap open


Poor girl has no idea what's hit her. It's called lust luv, happens to the best of us- nothing you can do but go with it.

"So do we have a deal?" he continues, pulling out a cigarette and lighting it.

I think he needs reminding that second hand smoke kills, jackass- I'm sure even cats can get cancer.


Oh Willow we need to have a talk about your vocabulary, I mean what are your parents paying your tuition fees for?

"Information for a kiss?" I think I'm the only one in the room who can see how Spike tense waiting for an answer. Aw isn't that cute, the wittle vampire has confidence issues. Remind me to tease him later. Willow bites her lip in that exasperating way she does. I mean does it even taste nice?

"Ok." Did he even hear that? I only just heard it. Ok the way he's grinning I guess he did.

"Great. Your cat's safe, been seen around the cemetery recently picked up by some benevolent demon who patched her up."


Ah so Willow has remembered about her little kitty, finally I was beginning to think I was in a Mills and Boon.

"Dunno yet," liar "But I'll let you know when I find out, for a price of course."

"Of course." Willow is blushing "umm," she moves towards him, finally regaining the use of her limbs and intellect.

"What is it, pet?" Spike smiles at her

"You wanted umm paying.?"

"Oh right, my payment." He moves towards her like in a - hey wait NOT YET!! Dumbass Vampire you'll ruin the plan.


"Ouch, bloody bitch scratched me!"

"Who scratched you?" oops Willow looks suspicious

"Oh, er, umm the nail on the table I caught myself on."

Oh and I believe you, dammit Spike you've been a Vampire for over a hundred years couldn't you come up with a better lie than that? Humans and their baggage, cat gods please spare me.

"Oh are you ok?"

She believed him. My faith in the human race has plummeted.

"Yeah." Oh and Mr Bad-ass has remembered the plan "Well pet, I'm kinda tired right now, wouldn't give my best performance I think I'd best collect my kiss some other time."

Willow gives him a suspicious look, about time too!


"Anxious are we?" he gives that annoying little smirk again, the one that makes me want to remind him that cats have claws.

"I'll let you know." He turns away and it's clear that he's fighting for control.

"Fine." Willow looks confused and leaves quickly probably wondering what she's getting herself into. I'm beginning to wonder myself.


Spike was in a foul mood for the rest of the day so I went out hunting, have to keep up appearances don't I? Anyway so I was out walking, strolling, lurking and I ahem . happened by this little out of the way coffee shop that gives saucers of milk to us poor little kitty's and who is there but My witch and her little "friend".

Poor Willow looks a little dazed still, but it's nice to know that she has regained the use of her vocabulary. I was beginning to think my little game had permanently damaged her IQ.

"What's wrong Willow; you haven't been yourself for a while."

Oh look at pasty the slow bitch. She's playing the good girlfriend.  Questioning with sincerity and that little head tilt.

"I'm fine Tara. I guess I'm a bit tired. I was trying out this new spell last night." She pauses as the pasty wench sighs heavily "What?"

"Willow, you're using too much magic."

"What?" that came out of the left field.

"Magic, it's s-s-supposed to be used for g-g-good, not for curiosity. You're using it too much."

Huh! Listen to the Hypocrite, using too much magic? Says the one who got Willow into this serious magic crap in the first place, it's all well and good to tell her that she's using magic too often but when it was you who helped her to this level. Can we say double standards- annoying bitch? I really hate this tart.

"I use it to help Buffy and with fighting evil, I can't help that there's a lot of it around." Yeah you tell her Mistress.

"But you don't even bother to look for another way recently, it's always oh lets do magic."

"I'm sorry." Oh Lord, don't apologise! "But when that demon was about to eviscerate Xander there wasn't a lot of time to be considering alternatives."

Yay! She's good and pissed now. Go Willow!

"M-magic isn't always the answer W-Willow; you're beginning to scare us."

"Us? You've been talking about me behind my back? To who?"


Oh shit, here we go.


"W-we w-w-were just saying that instead of r-researching now you go straight to the m-magic p-potions and spells. Some of those s-spells are r-r-r-r-really dangerous."

Ok this argument is getting intense because the witch can't seem to get out a full statement.

"Oh so that's it. You're all scared I can't handle myself. Just because I can do some heavier stuff that Buffy figures is too dangerous for little Willow to be handling I'm supposed to go back to being just research girl?"

"I w-wasn't saying that-"

Not really saying much of anything are we stutter-queen?

"So what were you saying Tara?"

Yeah what were you saying Tara? <Evil grin>

"M-maybe you should cut b-back for awhile, is all." Silence. Oh this is too good to be true, just when Willow was getting all confident and stuff, along comes her friends to put a stop to it.


Oh I wish I had popcorn.

"If y-you l-loved me you w-w-would."

Ouch. And there it is ladies and Tom-cats. Emotional blackmail.

"I can't believe you just said that."

By the look on Pasty bitch's face she can't believe she just said that either.

"I'm s-s-s-"

"Save it, if you loved *me* you wouldn't even-," Willow trails off and stands up "If you loved *me* you'd accept the fact that I'm a witch and I can do magic, and will continue to do so as long as it's needed."

Her voice is so cold. "Don't ask me to choose Tara. You might not like the outcome."

She storms off leaving pasty the slow bitch gaping like a caught Guppy. I'm full of sappy feelings for my witch who obviously found a backbone. Goddess that was better than any episode of Passions.

I wonder what Spike will have to say about this development.

~Part: 6~ Cat-erwaul

When I got home- home that's strange for me to be thinking of a crypt as "home", but I guess home is where your heart is- and before you all think I'm getting sappy, home is also where the whisky is OK? So anyway <glares> I get back to that nasty smelly disgusting crypt I just *happen* to call home- at the moment- and see Spike asleep-again.

Crouching down by the side of the marble tomb which he uses as a pillow (incidentally the marble can't be that cold, because of certain.ahem. consequentiality in that if it is then boy do I wish I was Willow!)

So I feel the little devil in me creep up and I let loose with a caterwaul that would make a country singer proud.


Spike leaps off that marble tomb like someone threw 60,000 volts up his ass.

<Laughs> oh life is good.

"What the fu-" Spike glances all around until he sees me on the floor just about to change that particular piece of ground into a litter tray.

"Oy you little bitch."

You called?

"What the bloody hell did you have you go and do that for?"

Well Butt wipe I have some news for you.


Oh great here comes the guess what the Kitty is saying game again.

Does he have any idea how humiliating this is? So I waltz over to the newspaper and would you believe it, my luck must be in.

"What's that pet? 5:30 trouble in paradise?"

I guess getting a vamp with beauty AND a brain was too much to hope for.

"Trouble in paradise, Red and her witch are having problems?"

There may be hope for him yet. Dumbass that he is.

A slow grin spreads across his face "Any idea what they fought about?"

I rescind my remark, how the hell am I supposed to tell you that? Let me just open my mouth and use my non-existent vocal chords, or how about a Vulcan mind meld. Moron. Ok maybe this.

"2:15 Sabrina the teenage witch- what kind of crap is on TV these days? A pigging witch and her talking cat, like cats are intelligent-" he looks at me slightly embarrassed

Yes. Be embarrassed.

"Ok so Sabrina always messes up her spells and stuff so- Sabrina they were fighting about magic?"

And you'd know this how?

"Don't give me that look."

Defensive much

"There's sod all to do during the day except watch telly."

I shake my head, our agreed sign for "yes".

"What? Red did another spell that went wrong?"

Hiss that's *no*.

"She did something twitchy didn't like?"

Small hiss and a shake for sort of.

"Um, Red was using magic-"

Shake quickly before he can finish

"She was pissed because Red was using magic?"



You know I'd love an eyebrow, just the one so I could raise it at junctions such as these.

"Oh right." Another sheepish look from the Master of sneer.

He starts to pace as if thinking standing still is far too much like hard work.

"Twitchy doesn't like Red using magic? Wait a sec, didn't she say the other day that Willow was progressing fast in magic?" he turns and pins me with a look that makes me glad I'm not a certain pasty witch "Bloody hypocrite, she's jealous that Red is better at Magic than she is, not that the bloody Scooby's would know it, fools. They tell Red to stay in the background and use twitchy unless it's something that she can't do and then they ask Red to do it and now they're pissed because she does?"

You know for a Vampire, he's quite astute at human psychology. Probably makes up for the rest of the time when he's a complete and utter prat.

He kicks the crypt in a fury.

"Stupid, sodding humans and their hypocritical crap, all issues and sodding baggage!"

Don't kick the cat. Please don't kick the cat.

"Bloody bitches!" he roars and his face changes

I'm not too proud to hide under the nearest -nailed down- object. After all a vamp in a temper? Not something you want to come across in a dark alley- or a lit luxury apartment- or at all really.

And it's a good thing I did because no sooner am I good and hidden than the crypt door opens and Willow walks in holding a blood bag which she throws at Spike.

"Here, food." She glares at him and then turns to walk out.

"Hey!" Spike glares back.

This is not of the good, both of them are extremely volatile and sparks are flying.  Didn't know it was 5th July did ya?

"What?" Willow demands her eyes flashing "It's not enough that I'm relegated to delivery girl, now you want to give me attitude?"

"That's not my fault."

"Oh no, it's never your fault, never anyone's fault except mine. Oh Willow you're using too much Magic, of course you're a valuable member of the team now take this to Spike- oh and pick up some donuts!"

Ouch looks I missed something. It sounds like they all ganged up on my poor Wills. Also sounds like I got some mischief to make later on at the Magic Box. You know how annoyed a Slayer gets when she goes out to investigate a noise at the back of the shop and oops it's not a big scary demon but a little scary kitten who scratches up her 20 dollar panty hose. He he.


"Not my fault they treat you like crap, pet. I know you're a valuable member."

Willow snorts at him, which is very unattractive honey.

"Right, I'm delivery girl now not even good enough to research, I'm.I'm Xander! I screw up one little spell and wham I'm on donut duty."

"Well you did make me kiss the Slayer."

"Right and you've never screwed up, St Vigeous."

Ok that's a new insult, probably some history behind that one.

"Hey!" he's annoyed now "I was bored."

"Sure and I was hurting not that anyone gives a damn. You know I sat with Buffy for months listening to her whine over Angel and I even tried to be nice to Cordelia. They tell me to get over it!" She's pacing the same space that Spike was a minute ago and now she's blowing steam so fast I can feel condensation in the air.

"Then you try and kill me and shove a broken bottle in my FACE, Tara and Buffy are talking behind my back and you are so mean and I'm not sure if I love her and then you try to kiss me and someone has my cat and you don't kiss me and I want her back and I feel guilty for wanting to kiss you and then she tells me I'm using too much magic and I want my CAT!"

Her hair crackles around her face with unused power and it feels like she's raw energy and I for one have never seen her so beautiful. Spike stares for half a heartbeat and then drags her into his arms and crushes his lips to hers.

WOW. Talk about pure energy, they could set the world on fire they are generating so much heat. She's kissing him back as hard as he is, and I guess the plan is out of the window. But hey I'm an equal opportunity Kitty, I guess I can adjust. Um, they are still at it. Is it possible to get any closer because I'm not seeing how unless Spike wants to wear her skirt- oh bad image. Um hello, innocent Kitty in the room, ok not so innocent- hey hands!! Well they are nice hands, elegant and all. Good for stroking and um. oh Cat gods.


~Part: 7~ Cat- fessions

They break away and stare at each other like they have grown a set of horns each. No Horns- just Horny.

"Wha- What was that?"

Oh Cat Lords, if she needs it explaining I think I may have to call it quits.

"That was a kiss." He's trying to smirk but even I can tell he's all shaken up.

Alas he too is wrong, that wasn't just a kiss- That was pure, unadulterated lust in a bag. Just add water.

"You kissed me?" she sounds so shocked. Poor Willow, practically devoured by a sexy Vampire who adores her. How will she cope- Note Sarcasm.

"You weren't exactly protesting pet."

Hmm I wonder if either of them realise that they are still holding on to each other?

They both look a little shell shocked. Good they were too damn complacent for my liking.

"Uh why- what- Tara." She adds firmly trying to extricate herself.

Good questions why is Tara, What is Tara? I'm thinking - actually there is no excuse for Tara.

"Different Blonde pet." He finally pulls away from her and takes out a cigarette. Guess the moron needs to do something with his hands. Besides the obvious. Gutter brains!!

"No, I can't kiss you I'm with Tara."

Bit late there honey.

"Just did." He takes a drag "Plus you just said you weren't sure if you even loved her anymore."

"I said that?" she sounds confused and drops to the floor holding her head in her hands "Oh Goddess!"

She's sitting so close to me that if she reached out her hand she could touch me. I try to scoot back into the shadows, not that I'm averse to leaving the bleached wonder but where else would I get whisky flavoured milk? Hello I'm Miss Kitty and I am an alcoholic!

Spike ducks down next to her and tucks an arm around her shoulders. Aw ain't that cute, a Dumbass with a heart.

"Come on Red. It's not the end of the world."

Dumbass is too small a word. Does the freaking idiot not know that you don't *say* things like that on the Hellmouth!!! It's just asking for trouble. Waah waah not the end of the world- Asshole!

"Why me?" at least I thinks that what she said, it's all muffled under her hands, face it at this point it could have been anything from Why me- to where's the waffles.

Spike takes her hands away from her face and tilts up her chin.

"Because you're perfect."

Oh new development. He's going to try honesty. Well that's new.

"You're friends, sodding idiots that they are don't realise how perfect you are. They hurt you and try to reign you in, they don't see the fire that burns." He tucks her hair away from her face and looks into her eyes and I think I might cry.

Ahem it's the dust in this place- Really. Spike should get a cleaner.

"The pasty witch doesn't deserve you and I won't lie and say that I do either, but I'm selfish and I want you anyway. Don't feel guilty for wanting me too. I know I'm irresistible."

God that guys got an ego the size of Texas.

"As for the magic thing, you have power and that scares people, luv. You don't need to cut back, just gain control before it consumes you."

"You want me?"

Can you say Duh?

Spike chuckles lightly "Forever and more than you can possibly guess, I never wanted Dru like I want you."

No I'm not feeling jealous. Really, couldn't care less. Willow's not even that pretty or smart and.and she wears odd socks! Ok maybe a teensy bit jealous.

"But you loved Dru."

Waiting for the penny to drop. Spike looks away and Willow gasps

"You love me?"

Penny dropped.

"Spike?" he won't look at her, too embarrassed at having revealed his feelings. "Please look at me. I don't know what to say. I always thought you hated me."

"Never." He says desperately and even I feel bad for him, his emotions are bare on his face and if she turns him down, it will kill him.

"This is quick, I never thought you could care about me the way I care about you."

His head snaps up and there is so such hope in his eyes it's painful.


"I love you." She says simply but puts a finger on his lips before he can lean in and snatch a kiss. "But I can't be with you just now. I made a mistake of trying to do that with Xander and Oz. it hurt everyone and me most of all, I wont go through that again. I have to break up with Tara before we can do anything."

Spike nods almost pathetically. Gawd man have a little dignity. Where's the big bad Vampire?

His back straightens like he heard me and he smirks

"Right pet. I can deal with that, after all I waited for eternity to find you I can wait a little while longer."

Pass me the sick bucket!

"Thank you Spike."

"Are you gonna be ok with breaking it off?"

She nods her eyes darkening a bit in anger and I can hear the tenseness in her voice. "Before I came over she told me that I if loved her I would stop doing magic."

I don't think I've ever seen a Vampire look so gob- smacked

"Say what?"

"She said that she wanted me to stop using magic and that if I loved her I would do it."

Spike growled and I once again prove how smart I am by hiding. "Bloody Bitch!" he yells "I can't.arrghh" he clutches his head in pain.

"Spike?!" Willow looks panicked and I wish I could tell her that that is how he gets when he has his more violent fantasies.

"M'okay." He says still clutching his head

Willow pulls him close and strokes his hair like a child muttering sweet little nothings that ease him back to what passes for normal in the world of Spike.

"Chip." He explains

"You were thinking of hurting Tara?"

"Yes." He states aggressively

"Oh." Well that's a surprise, no protesting from Willow's corner. "I have to go Spike; I'm meeting the rest of the gang."

He nods his head still aching from the way his shoulders are tense.

She brushes a slow kiss across his lips and is gone. I know I shouldn't do this it's one step away from being a damn dog- all fetch this stick and get my slippers. Don't forget I am a cat- cat's don't fetch and carry. Ever seen a cat fetch a stick? If you wanted the thing so badly why did you throw away in the first place? But. I drag my ass out of my hiding place and totter over to the table and pick up his aspirin with my mouth and take it over to him. Here.

"Thanks Kit." He takes the top off and pops two. Yeah yeah just don't expect it often. So how's the head?

"Hurts like hell. But not as bad as that pasty witch when I get my chip out. Bitch."

Yeah I agree. Stupid cow, but now Willow has you right?

"Err, I guess you heard everything?" he at least has the grace to look sheepish

Yup you big pansy, I heard everything. I have to say soft doesn't suit you. Much.

"Yeah ok, I went a bit overboard."

A bit overboard? You sunk like the Titanic mate. Didn't your sire ever tell you that Sap belongs in a tree?

"I am not like Peaches!"

Yeah sure just get yourself a corner, some hair gel and a sissy walk and I'll call you the king of brood. How about a hankie?

"Hey, enough of that. Or we'll see if the chip prevents me skinning cats."

Try it and wake up with certain parts of your anatomy missing.

"Look Kit, can you do me a favour. Go and keep an eye on Red for me. I don't care what she says breaking up is hard, especially for her. Just keep watch ok."

What's in it for me?

"Whisky flavoured milk and bourbon liqueur chocolates."


As I'm a walking down the streets it has just occurred to me that either Spike has learned to mind read- or I'm on his wavelength.

I'm not sure which one scares me more.

~Part: 8~ Cat- atonic shock

So I follow Willow all the way to the magic box where her "friends" are waiting for her. Bunch of pillocks. I mean fancy telling a powerful witch that she can't do magic anymore, I mean like she even has a choice in the matter.

Looks like I arrived just in time.

"Hey Wills, you been gone a while, where'd ya go?"

"I took Spike his blood, which you would have known if you and Anya would come up for air more than once a year."

Meow! And I mean that in the nicest way. I'm proud of my little Wicca.

"Ouch Wills."

Oh it's obviously time for the Slayer to have her say in something that once again is NONE of her damn business. Maybe its time to visit the training room again and use her sneakers as a litter tray.

"Sorry Xan, I'm tired."

"W-why w-what were you and S-spike doing?" Tara speaks.



"N-nothing its just y-you and S-spike seem a-a-awfully cosy."

Can I have a side order of jealousy to go with that stutter?

"Yeah well he is the only one who listens to me these days."

"That's not true."

"Are we gonna be subjected to another pity party because I want orgasms."

Gee what a surprise

"Oh what a surprise."

"Jeez Will, no need to be such a bitch."

Oh here it comes Queen Slutty speaks

"Like you'd notice. I'm fed up of your attitude Buffy, you're supposed to be my best friend and support me in what I do but as soon as I do something you don't like you turn on me."

"I have no idea what your talking abo-"

"Oh so you and Tara weren't talking about my magic behind my back?"

Everyone is now staring at Willow. Giles is smiling and sitting back, I think he's figured out what going on and approves which is great because I actually like the watcher. Back to Mistress who is pissed and has Slutty backed into a corner--- and it's possible I have been spending too much time with Spike.

"W-w-we w-w-were w-w-worried."

Wow get any more W's in that mix?

"No, you were jealous. I have working on my control since even before I started magic. You know how much power I have but you only want me to use it when its convenient for you and when its not you want me back in the old reliable box, well you know what if you guys are allowed to grow up, then I am too. I do magic, I'm good, I'm powerful now deal with it and let me help or keep pushing me away and do your damn research yourself."

Yay Willow! Oh how I love that girl, I wish Spike was here to see this he would be so proud. He's gonna kick himself when he finds out what he missed. No wait, he has crap aim maybe I better kick him for him.

"You think we couldn't?"

Oh Buffy how I hate thee let me count the ways.

"I think that if you stopped following Angel's footsteps and being the Queen of Brood long enough to attempt to understand what Giles says before racing off and nearly getting us all killed AGAIN you might have a chance, and if Xander and Anya stopped licking each others tonsils long enough to actually read a book and Tara actually grew a backbone and said to me what she's obviously said to you hey who knows you might actually scrub up enough research to beat Harmony."

I don't think I've ever been so proud. They are just sitting there gaping in abject shock. It's the most perrrr-fect moment of my life. Bunch of deadbeat losers! Take that!!! Mwah ha ha.

Willow snatches up her coat and stares them all down

"Tara, since you can't handle me for who I am I guess we are over. Buffy you've never appreciated what Giles and I do for you. Well I'm taking some time off this whole Scooby gang to hang out with my new guy so see how far you get without me. Xander I love you but if you still want to be my friend you need to start spending a little more time and effort into our friendship. Anya, there is more to life than sex and money. Giles- give me a call if you need me."

And just like that she's gone. Buffy immediately wants to know who this new guy is and what he's done with their little Wills, she probably been possessed, yup that's it she must be possessed. What do we do Giles?

Giles just stands up and goes to make another cup of tea.

Xander rolls his eyes at Buffy but has the grace to look a little sheepish and Tara bursts into tears. But I think its Anya who takes the cake

"More to life than Sex and Money- You mean there's MORE?"


You'll never hear me say this again but Spike was right. This hit Willow harder than she's letting on. So it looks like its time for Miss Kitty to do her famous Lassie act.

Oh gawd I'm making myself feel ill. First I let Spike order me around, then I fetch stuff for him and now I'm trying to lead Willow back to the crypt. That's it I'm turning into a dog. Pretty soon I'll be urinating in public and sniffing other cat's asses and chasing my own tail wondering why the damn things hurts when I bite it, acting like damn RILEY FINN! Stupid soldiery let me use the cat as target practice scum sucking dweeb.

Hello everyone come see the Cat with issues!!! AAAAARRRGGGHHH Oh hey Willow. I meant Meow?!?

"Miss Kitty?"

Yes and I'm feeling like crap, I need some Spike tummy tickles so how's about we nix the whole follow the cat deal and just go back home huh?

"Where have you been, I've been so worried and.and..."

No, no no Oh crying female alert. Somebody help. I forgot I'm a female too. What would I like when I feel upset?

Easy one there.

Shh honey, come on <grimace> follow Lassie. Come on Timmy's stuck in the damn well come on.

"Miss kitty wait."

Here we go.

~Part: 9~ Cat gets the cream.

So here we are again standing outside Spike's crypt. Willow's got that odd look on her face that asks if she is being played. Yes you are honey.

"What am I doing here, again?"

"Red, pet"

"Spike." Oh blimey, here we go roll call! Miss Kitty- present.

"Are you ok pet?"

I'm fine actually, a little tired and.


"Oh love come on in."

Oh Fine don't ask how the kitty is, no I've just been chasing all around this damn town for you my paws hurt and. I'll stop whining now.

"I did it Spike, I broke up with Tara."

"That's alright, pet."

"And Buffy and Xander and Anya."

"Bloody hell when you go for it you really go for it."

Yes I fully realise all the double entendres that amass from that statement make up your own little joke and we'll get on. Quite finished? Good.

Willow stares at him for a long moment and then they both start laughing.

"I love you pet." Spike says looking into her eyes.

"I love you too Spike." She gives him a hug and aww don't they look all cute together. I feel sick again and I think its time to find that Tom cat and exert my dominance. Until her quiet question.

"Actually Spike I have a question I'd like to ask."

"What's that Red?"

"What *exactly* were you doing with my cat?"

Oh Shit.

"Hmm, what was that pet?" It no bloody use Spike, you just don't do innocent well. At all.

"Nice try Spike. That's twice I followed Miss Kitty to your crypt."

"Aw Crap. Kit. Come on out looks like we've been busted."

Hey Willow.

"Miss Kitty!"

Oh ok hugs are nice, yup very nice. Um honey I need to breathe!

"Ease up Red. Cat needs to breathe."

Would you knock that off, it's creepy!!

"Oh sorry Miss Kitty Fantastico."

"Nice name for a cat by the way Pet."

Oh pack it in *SPIKE* or I'll set Tom and Jerry on you.

"So what were you doing with my cat Spike?"

"Hey she came to me!"

And he used me to win Kitty Poker! Which I still owe you for, you overgrown mosquito.

"Um we bonded over some whisky and she offered to help me win you over."

"Ha ha Spike you do realise that she's a cat and as such she can't actually talk."

Here speaks the champion for animals everywhere. Oh and she lives on the Hellmouth she should realise that anything is possible. Dumbass Wicca.

"You know there's this little thing called a blood bond."


"A blood bond?"

"When two animals bite each other and drink blood they have this sort of bond that allows them to communicate, normally just emotions but Kit is a special Cat, care of you leaving your potions out all over the place."

"Oh Goddess, so you can actually talk to Miss Kitty."

Yeah and it's such a picnic understanding what Captain Libido is thinking all the time. I hate baths and I've wanted cold showers all week.

"Yeah of course, and she is one clever Kitty." Say that *now*.

"So you kidnapped my cat and went to hold her ransom for a kiss from me."

"She obviously takes after her owner."

"Flattery will get you nowhere."

"Really so what if I told you that you were gorgeous <kiss> and sexy <kiss> and oh so cute <kiss.and I think there was some nibbling there too>. Especially when you blush like that."

Ok guys I may have wanted you two to get together but I really didn't want to be this close to the action.

"I think I owe you that Kiss."

"And I intend to collect."

Guys? Guys? Ew eww eww. That's it scarred for life.

"Mmm where's Miss Kitty going?"

"I don't think she wanted front row seats. Don't worry pet, she'll be back. I owe her some whisky liqueurs."

"You've been feeding my cat alcohol?"

"She made me, pet."

"Well if cat can make you do that I wonder what I can make you do."

"Anything you want."

And on that note I close the crypt door. I'd hang around to listen for you guys but hey. I'm no peeping Tom.

I'm Miss Kitty Fantastico.

Matchmaker extraordinaire!

The End