~Part One~

I should've known.

As I watched him order a whiskey - his third since I came in the bar - the thought kept repeating itself in my head. I should've known he would lie. I should've known he'd break his promise, the very same promise he made when he was on his knees and begging me to take him back.

Okay, so the on the knees part might've been just a little bit exaggerated. But still...

I didn't know of any of this when we started dating. None of us really bothered with him before, so we didn't know what he did in his spare time. We all knew he had an addiction to smoking, but since he was already dead I didn't really care about the effects of that. Which, by the way, doesn't mean I didn't kick him out of the apartment - our apartment - to smoke. Well, not literally kicking of course. Now I'm rambling in my own head. Great.

The truth is, I didn't expect this. I didn't think that every time he went out to walk he went to the bar to get drunk.

Drunk, yes, I said it correctly.

We had a fight once, about his nightly adventures, even though I didn't know where he went every night then. He stormed out of the house and I followed him, all the way to the bar. The Bar, with capital T and B, because that was the name, as I was told when I came in by a really, really drunk demon. Demon. Vampires, demons and other creepy night-creatures happily getting along with the humans. And Spike, chatting like a regular customer with the barman and
some half-naked girls, and ordering two glasses of whiskey.

I left pretty quickly. I think I was there for about three minutes, and in that time he drank four whiskeys and one Bloody Mary, with real blood that is. I was not feeling great amongst all those demons. Plus, I was the only girl that was wearing more than a skanky bikini. As I turned to go I saw him pat some girl's ass and wink at another.

He came home at 4 in the morning, trying to say he was sorry. He wasn't even that drunk then, but I realized he had been drinking a lot. And the fact that he was flirting with about 90% of the girls in that club didn't help my mood either.

~*~

"Hey, luv! Listen, about the nights off, I am sorry...you know..."

I didn't respond, just stared as blankly as I could at him.

"What's wrong? Red? Are you there?!"

"Stupid question, Spike, I am right in front of you. "

"Well I know that, luv, you just seem distant."

"Yeah... well... you just seem unfaithful and drunk. So I guess that makes it even."

"What?" He was obviously shocked. Good. "What are you talking about?"

"I found out your little secret, Spike. I followed you. I wanted to know what you were doing when you didn't want to be with me, so I followed you. Why? Why didn't you bother to let me in on your little drinking addiction? You know, I wasn't even there for so long but I had already seen you drink four whiskeys and a Bloody Mary! I should've known, but I trusted you. Every night when you would come back just before dawn, you had me worried sick about you while you
were out getting yourself drunk! And you flirt with every girl passing by in that stupid club! Why?"

Spike looked at with a mix of guilt and and a not-understanding look in his eyes.

Willow continued. "Forever and always yours, I was supposed to be, right? Well forever just stopped. Now get out!"

I don't think I've ever been that mad at him, and he knew that too. He knew better than to argue with me, but I guess he was a bit tipsy.

"Red..."

"Don't 'Red' me! GET OUT!"

"I'm sorry, you know. I wanted to tell you, I really did. And I wanted to stop going there, I'd already said my goodbyes to the people who work there. Because of you! Because I didn't want to hurt you, I wasn't planning on going there anymore. But we fought, and I couldn't take it.. So I went back. And I won't do it again, please. You know you mean to much to me to lose you. I love you."

He kept begging like that for more than ten minutes. And of course, I'm way too gullible. I believed him. I really believed he'd give up the drinks for me.

"You promise you won't go there anymore?" I finally said with a sad smile on my face.

"I swear, luv. I love you." He said and I let him take me into his arms.

~*~

Love. Hm... What a joke. He loves the whiskey more than me, I think as a tear starts to make its way down my face. I see him laughing and cracking jokes with the barman, some orange smiley demon and two skanky-dressed girls. He's happy, obviously, and sadly enough that doesn't make me feel a single bit better. Guess I'm not in Buffy's so-called "I'm happy when he's happy" phase anymore. Another tear escapes my eye as he orders two more whiskeys. I see him putting money in the dancer's top and resist the urge to run away.

I should've known, but still... How could he? Five months are nice, in my book. But I guess five months isn't much to a vampire. I guess that's just as important to him as promises - in the sense that they're not. Important to him, that is.

I am now officially crying and could care less. I see people and demons walk by and stare, and still, I only really see *him*. My lover, my friend, the man I'm supposed to spend the rest of eternity with.

Right as I think that he pats a girl on the butt. That's the umpteenth time he's touched someone and I've only been here for what? Ten minutes? It's only getting worse. I feel like I'm torturing myself, and I start to walk away. Of course he had to pick that moment to look my way.
 

~Part Two~

I didn't even say anything. I was just happily drowning myself in the liquor when I turned to look around the bar. I didn't expect to see my Red there. I couldn't bring myself to say anything. She was just standing there, crying, staring helplessly. Damn. How'd I get myself in this mess? Oh yes, of course, by creating
it myself.

I know I was wrong to go the bar that night. I was wrong to go there at all, and I know it was even worse that I shamelessly flirted with the girls. I don't even know why I do that. I really love Red - I think I have since the moment I saw her. I don't want those girls, I don't even think they're beautiful. They're just... I don't know. I give up. How am I ever going to get myself out of this? She'll hate me, that's for sure. I promised her I wouldn't go to the damn bar again, but I did, and flirted more wildly, and drank more happily than ever. Fuck. I have to think of something.

She just stood there, staring at me with those beautiful green eyes, and all I could do is stare back. I knew I had to go over and talk to her, of course, but what was I going to say? I betrayed her, I know I did and at the time I did it, I felt no guilt at all.

The whiskey was starting to take its toll and I figured if I was going to talk to her, I'd better do it right then. I walked towards her, unsteadily, but I was completely aware of the situation. She didn't stop crying and I tried to wipe the tears away, but she slapped my hand away. "Willow..."

"Don't, Spike. Just.. don't." She whispered before she turns away and walked out of the bar.

  ****

I followed her outside. Stupid. I always do stupid things when I don't know what to do. She looked around and saw me, but she just kept walking away from me. "You knew, Red!" I screamed after her. "I'm a vampire, you knew there was another side of me you had to accept!" I blurted it out before I could think about it.

Shit. What did I say? Just great. Talk about stupid things. "Luv, I'm sorry. You know I didn't mean that. I'm just confused, is all. And I don't know what to say, except... I'm sorry!" And I meant it. For one moment, I didn't care about my reputation, about the fact that I was supposed to be bad, and half of the scourge of Europe. I just wanted to get her back.

She turned around and faced me, her green orbs glazing with anger. The tears were still on her face, but her eyes weren't crying anymore. "Confused? YOU? I don't think you have any right to be *confused*! You're a vampire, as you just reminded me. You're not supposed to feel anything. But you do, don't you? And strangely enough, I couldn't care less about what you're feeling right now. But, Spike, what I *would* like to know is what were you feeling when you put that money - MY money, for that matter - in the top of one of those skanky girls? Lust? Were you horny? Were you relieved to be away from me? Or were
you already too dazed from your precious little whiskey to actually form thoughts? Well?!"

"I.. I.. " I stuttered.

"Well, what have we here. The Big Bad a.k.a. William the Bloody a.k.a. Spike, speechless because of a silly little human girl. Oh my, what would the vampire community say?" Willow mocked.

"I don't care what the vampire community says, Red. You know that. I gave it all up for you."

"You gave it all up for me. Yeah. Sure. Everything except for the girls and the drinking. They were too important, huh Spike? Well then, go back to that club, I'm not gonna stop you. You're not mine anymore and I'm not yours anymore. You can forget it, Spike. Don't try to apologize, it didn't stop you from going back the last time. And it won't help you this time."

She turned around again and started to leave out again, but looked back one more time. With the most cruel tone I ever heard in her voice, she demanded, "Oh, and I expect your stuff out of *my* apartment by tomorrow night. And no, I do not care where you'll go. Ask your girls, they'll probably let you stay with them. Cheers, and say hi to the girls for me."  And with that, she walked out of my life.
 

~Part Three~

Spike watched her leave and started to cry. He had lost her.

He had known from the beginning he wasn't good enough for her, that he would hurt her because of the pig that was William the Bloody. But they'd managed to stay together for almost half a year. Half a year... It shouldn't have to hurt that much to a 200 year old vampire. But it did. But of course, there'd come a time when she realized he didn't deserve her.

He'd never told her about his addiction to alcohol, figuring it would be better. Now he knew better. Maybe, just maybe, if he had told her they could've worked it out and she'd still be his. Then she wouldn't have found out on her own and maybe she'd have helped him get over it. But no, he had just had to do it the dumb way. He had to go clubbing when he knew she was home alone, lonely, waiting for him and incredibly concerned where he might be.

He didn't blame her for leaving him. It was what he would've done in her place. He betrayed her, and for that he would feel eternal guilt, and she'd feel the pain. Wasn't there some way he could make the pain stop? Damn, he really fucked it up this time.

He broke down against the wall as he realized how weak he was without her.  Curled up and crying, he swore to himself he'd never touch the bottle again.
 

// Porcelain...
Are you wasting away in your skin
Are you missing the love of your kin
Drifting and floating and fading away
Porcelain... //
 

It's been four days. Four days without him, and I confess, I hate it. No wait, I take that back. I feel like my whole world has collapsed. It's like a house of cards, built of small fragile things, and if one of them as much as bends a little, the whole damn thing falls apart. It's getting harder, you know? Harder and harder every single day. I still love him so much... I am crying again, wondering if I'll ever stop missing him, but at the same time I know I won't. I can't stop.

I tried to cut my wrists yesterday. Seriously. I tried to end the emotional pain by creating physical pain. I didn't want to die, not really. I knew someone would find me before I died anyway. I'm back at the dorms, so there are plenty of people.

I couldn't do it. I guess I realized that it would only inflict more pain and it wouldn't be very useful, so I'm back to crying.

Buffy doesn't understand, not really. She knows about everything and really tries to understand, but I think what she really does is compare my pain to hers back in the Angelus days. Yesterday when I was giving her some more details she seemed absent minded and suddenly *she* started to cry. I, nervous and an emotional wreck, comforted her.

He doesn't go to the Scooby meetings anymore. I can see that the others miss him, just a little bit - not that they'd admit that. They've been surprisingly
supportive, which seems odd because I actually didn't tell them anything. I just figured that they would write off my mood to lousy sleeping, and that they wouldn't interfere with anything. I know that Buffy gave them the info, that much is obvious, but I can't stand the looks they're giving me. They just keep staring at me with big, sad eyes, as if they're wondering if I might fall apart any time soon. I wonder why they do that. They left me alone to wallow in my misery by myself when Oz left. When Tara had left their support wasn't much better either.

But now, suddenly, they feel the need to pat me on the shoulder and give me this supposedly warm look that I think was meant to say "I feel so sorry for you". It's getting annoying, but I won't avoid them for it. At least they give me something to do, though I think they expect me to be unable to do anything at all right now. I have no permission to go patrolling, I am not allowed to do dangerous spells for the greater good - or easier spells, or any spells for that matter. I can't walk to the soda machine and get a damn coke without somebody asking if they could do it for me. You might think I'm overreacting, and that I should be glad that they treat me like a queen. But they're not - treating me like a queen that is. Their regular behavior is the same, they just think I'm built of porcelain, with large cracks on all sides, and that I might shatter into pieces any time.

He doesn't live in our apartment anymore. I know I told him to stay away from that place, but to be honest I hadn't really expected him to do what I told him. I don't go to the apartment anymore either. I can't. There's too many emotions, memories and special moments that would just hurt the hell out of me. I'm constantly crying as it is right now, in the dorms, let alone there...

I know he tries to make up for what he's done. I know he wants to change, but he hasn't. Not yet. I guess we both need time, then. I know I have to get over what he's done eventually, and move on. And he has to learn from his mistakes and improve himself. Wow. Spike, new and improved... Yum.

See what I mean when I say I still love him? I know I'll eventually forgive him, but I'm not sure if I can ever go back to being a couple with him again. He's not really making it easier either, sending flowers, cards, gifts and all with the same words, next to a red heart drawn in the left corner of the card: 'sorry, red'.

Red. He always had nicknames for everyone. Red, pet, luv, ducks... Sometimes I thought he didn't even know my own name, but of course that was ridiculous. He begged me to take him back, and he used my name. That moment just stays in my head, and I keep crying each time it crosses my mind. But that's not the point.

I'm sitting here, alone, crying in the dorm Buffy and I are sharing again, in a black silk nightgown that he sent me. I'm playing with a pen between my fingers, a pen which my name is carved in, and of course the word 'sorry'. Next to me is a vase with the roses he sent yesterday... But I was trying to get to the point.

The point is, no matter how many things he sends me, it won't really help. As long as the terror of his betrayal is carved in my mind, I can't just kiss and make up. I'm feeling a little bit better already. I tried to accept his betrayal as vampire habit, and by doing that I said to myself I wouldn't just let him get to me anymore.

He was right, you know. He told me several times. He's a vampire, soulless, cruel and apparently unfamiliar with the words "promise" and "monogamous".
But I know that won't stop me from loving him. Should it?

Wow. Now that was sappy.

But it's true. I love him, and I think part of me always will. About that thing I said to myself... well I'll be honest, I don't think I can keep it. I'm taking it back now.

But I know I need time. I need to go through the pain and the grief and everything his betrayal inflicted.. I'm not past it yet. Of course I'm not. I can't do it if he's
constantly sending me flowers and what else. I have to do this alone, and then I hope I'll be able to talk to him again. Maybe we'd be able to be friends again. But I can't promise anything. I don't make promises I can't keep.
 

~Part Four~

// you find yourself falling down
your hopes in the sky
but your heart like grape gum on the ground
and you try to find yourself
in the abstractions of religion
and the cruelty of everyone else
and you wake up to realize
your standard of living somehow got stuck on survive //
 
 

Buffy whistled a tune as she happily walked through one of Sunnydale's many cemeteries. Things had been pretty quiet for a while, and as Buffy got bored, she couldn't help but think of Willow and Spike.

She had thought they were so cute together, saying they were the most shocking hair couple ever but still nice. But Spike had hurt her badly now. Buffy felt sorry for the redhead, as every relationship of Willow's ended badly. If she ever came across Spike, Buffy vowed to make him suffer. A lot.

Her friend had locked herself in their dorm room and Buffy knew she was crying about Spike again, so the slayer had went to Giles to pick up some stuff and patrol. And here she was, walking towards a park that was near the cemetery, with absolutely no one around.

Of course, the exact moment she thought that, a fledgling jumped from behind a couple of trees toward Buffy. Buffy quickly turned around and kicked him in his chest. The fledgling fell down on the ground as Buffy punched him in the face.

"Jumping from the bushes? Puh-lease! How clichéd is that?!" Buffy said as she slammed the stake into the vampire's heart. As soon as he was dust, she looked up to find another figure standing a short distance away from her.

"Come, kitty kitty vampire..." She said in a sing-song voice as she walked towards the male form, hidden between the trees.

As she got closer she realized the man wasn't trying to attack her, simply standing there, back towards her, leaning against a tree. She heard a soft sob that she could only hear because of her Slayer sense. "Sir?" She said softly.

The man turned around, still sobbing. Buffy's jaw dropped as she watched the man. "Sp.. Spike? Is that you?"

She took in the appearance of the man that was obviously Spike, but wasn't. His hair was mussed, roots showing and not combed in at least a couple of days. The familiar joking spark in his eyes was gone, leaving a piercing look of true sadness and hopelessness. Tears ran down his face, new ones forming at the same moment. There was a cut above his lip, still bleeding. He wasn't wearing his regular black outfit, instead dressed in old, ugly rags. Everything that was Spike was gone, except the long leather duster.

For the first time, Spike looked at her, making Buffy feel pangs of guilt nagging at her immediately. This man, this version of Spike needed help. Buffy thought back at the a few days ago. Willow had tried to convince Buffy that Spike didn't really love Willow and that she had been used. Buffy hadn't believed it, often having watched the way he looked at her. But, she had to agree, she did not and could not understand why Spike had betrayed her like that. She felt sorry for her friend, and because of that she directed her anger towards Spike because she had just assumed that Willow was the only one hurting. But now, seeing him, she realized he was just as hurt as Willow, maybe even more since he probably realized it was all his own fault. Here he was, a living corpse, more literally than ever. No life force, no spark, no energy whatsoever.

"Spike?" She asked again. Spike stared at her, then closed his eyes for a moment and made the smallest movement possible with his head, letting Buffy know he had recognized her. Well, at least he was still on this planet, Buffy thought.

"You miss her, don't you?" Buffy said, very softly, already knowing the answer.

"Yeah, I do." The words were spoken with even less volume than Buffy's question, and anyone without slayer hearing would not have heard. Buffy saw a new tear form in his eyes, a distant look in the blue orbs, and Buffy knew he was thinking about Willow. She felt her heart go out to the vampire, and knew deep inside that Willow and Spike really belonged together. "I don't think anything's ever hurt so much, slayer." He continued, his voice weak and unstable from the continuous crying. "I have no clue what I'm supposed to do... I can't sleep, can't feed, can't think straight anymore. All I know is that I screwed up and that
I want Willow back, no matter what I have to do."

Buffy thought for a moment. Yes, they really are meant to be together, she decided, and knowing they needed help, she gave Spike her advice, having no clue if it was the right thing to say. "You shouldn't send her gifts anymore. She.. she gets confused because of them. She just can't handle that right now. She needs time, Spike. But I know she'll come to you as soon as she's able to. You hurt her a lot, and you know that. She's only nineteen years old and has
had to deal with this sort of pain in three different relationships, and mind you, she's only had three! And the worst thing is that you were the one who took the pain away the first two times. She depended on you so much. I won't lie to you, Spike. Your betrayal isn't going to wash away that easily. But when it does fade away, and it will, I know she'll talk to you. I can't promise she'll want you as her lover again, but I'm sure she'll need you as a friend someday."

Spike's face lit up a little bit, his eyes hopeful. "You think so?"

"I know her." Buffy said simply as she nodded. Spike nodded slowly.

"I just feel so empty without her." Spike said helplessly.

"I know. Take care of yourself, Spike. She still loves you, you know. Don't hurt yourself. Try to overcome the thing that made her leave you, but don't hate yourself."

"Thank you, slayer." Spike whispered, before clearing his throat and changing his pose to one a bit more strong. "I'm over it." He said, still not really loud, but audible, making Buffy look up to him in surprise. "I - I haven't touched the - eh.. the whiskey. Not since she left. I broke every bottle of liquor I had."

Buffy smiled slightly. Good. Than that was one problem solved. "Good, Spike. I will tell her."

"Thanks." Spike repeated as Buffy walked away from him.
 

// when you're standing in deep water
and you're bailing yourself out with a straw
and when you're drowning in deep water
and you wake up making love to a wall
well it's these little times that help to remind
it's nothing without love, love, love
it's nothing without love //
 
 

"Wills? You here?" The blonde slayer said softly as she entered the room she and Willow shared. The red headed witch was still in the same spot Buffy left her; with her knees up, arms around them and her head hung down, crying.

"Willow..." Buffy said a little louder. Slowly, the redhead looked up.

"Hey Buff. How was patrol?" Willow said with forced enthusiasm.

"I... I..." Buffy stammered, moving to sit on Willow's bed next to her friend. "I ran into Spike."

Willow's green eyes immediately became huge and shocked. "W-what?"
 

~Part Five~

// When the aching is over, I hope that we can talk again
Hope that you'll understand me, I wonder if I ever will
Now searching for a better way
Something that makes me feel good about myself
Hope someday we'll laugh about it all
and everything turns about to be all right //
 

Spike sighed, lying back on the cold floor. He thought over the Slayer's words again and started to cry. He'd never get his Red back. She must really hate me, he figured. He mentally punished himself for being so incredibly stupid and winced at the inner pain.
 

// I wish I could tell you all
I hope that we'll both be wise
Just wish it wouldn't give this pain
and that it wasn't my fault //
 

Would she be as hurt as he was? He was supposed to be the Love of Willow's Life part II, Dogboy being the first. He realized that the memories of her wolf would probably be coming back to her as well. Damn. And he promised her he'd take away the pain of that Oz guy, promised her to make her feel better, and then he just slammed back everything at her. Would this be worse for her than when her Dog left? Or would she say that Spike was just a fling, nothing important? He knew that wasn't true, but it was still an option.

Or maybe, she would have jumped some college guy that she could date. Someone that could walk in the sun, tan, look into mirrors, could be with her when she wanted- and would not hurt her so much...
 

// And that I could help you out
'Cause I still remember
Everything
'Cause everything and more, we were
Everything and more we were.. //
 

He sighed again and lay down on the improvised bed, absently thinking about how empty the bed was without Willow.

~*~

It's been four weeks since Buffy saw Spike. She told me how he was a wreck - just like I was, and maybe I still am. She told me everything they had talked about and I cried through the whole story.

Buffy told me he stopped drinking, that he gave up everything for me, that he was on the verge of even giving up his own unlife. I couldn't let him do that, but I just couldn't bring myself to go to him.

I still cry for him, of course. I promised Buffy that one day, I would go to see him - not to love again, just to talk. I can't love him the way I did before yet, but maybe when I go to him we could build a friendship. Love is not the same as being in love, and I'll try my best to avoid the latter.

I don't know what to expect, honestly. What will I do? What will he do? What are we going to talk about? I think these insecurities are part of what makes me want to stay home.

I think that once I see him, I'll forgive him - but maybe I already did. I don't hate him for what he's done. I don't think I ever did, I loved him and still do. There's a fine barrier between love and hate, but I don't think I ever crossed him. I'm not sure though. I feel like I'm not sure about anything these days.

Forgiveness. Such a beautiful word for something so difficult to do. My heart already forgave him. As soon as it was healed, I think it wanted him back. My mind, however, still tries to let me know that he's no good. And I don't believe that. He's punished himself enough for what he's done, and we're not getting any better this way. If I follow my mind, we'll both go crazy. I just.. I have to do something about that.

~*~

Spike was wakened from his nightmare by the soft knock on the window. He had been dreaming about Willow; that she had come to him to tell him he should
go away, out of Sunnydale. And then she walked away in the sun and exploded into dust.

Another soft knock was heard. No one came to his place. He effectively pushed the world out of his life to feel guilty and broody in his small crypt. The Slayer had come by twice, talking to him about Willow and the love between the witch and the vampire. But the Slayer just stormed in without a knock.

Spike stood up and walked slowly to the entrance. He wanted to go faster, but he couldn't. He hadn't fed in four days and could barely sit straight, let alone walk. He knew he probably looked like hell, but he didn't care. He didn't care about anything at all. Except for the person he had hurt - "Willow?" He looked to the small woman standing on his doorstep, and knew he was dreaming. He shook his head and pinched his arm, but she didn't go away.

"Hi, Spike..." she said in a whisper.

His face lit up as he realized she was really there, his redheaded Goddess, before he began to cry - both of happiness and guilt. "I'm so sorry, Willow..." He murmured a few times before the tears completely took over, making him unable to speak.

Willow reached up and touched his face gently, wiping away the tears. "I know."

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