"Hey, Xander," Willow murmured, her voice subdued and her eyes downcast. Her slippered foot caught the leg of a nearby chair, dragging it closer to the bed that Xander was occupying. Willow dropped into the padded seat eagerly, and meticulously arranged the fuzzy yellow robe that she wore. Her trembling fingers plucked at the material fitfully, the silence as accusatory as screamed words would have been.
Haunted green eyes lifted reluctantly, focusing on the gaunt, white face of her best friend. His eyes were closed, and had been such since the ambulance had rushed his still body out of the park and towards help. It was unreal, seeing a body usually full of motion laying so still. If it hadn't been for the steady blip of the monitor stationed next to the bed, Willow would have thought that the boy looked... dead.
"I know... I know that I'm probably not the first person you'd want to see right now," Willow said, forcing the words past dry lips. "But... I just want to tell you that I'm sorry, Xander."
She leaned back in her chair, slim shoulders hunched dejectedly. She meant the words with all of her heart, but they seemed so very insufficient after what she had done to him -- had almost done to them _all_. Her teeth clamped down on her lower lip, bitting back the sobbed plea for forgiveness that burned inside of her.
"I... I suppose I owe you an explanation, don't I? I mean... I figure... I'd want one, if I were the one laying here. But I can't say I'm up on the etiquette for near murderers." Willow drew in a deep breath, lightly rubbing at her throbbing temples.
Xander didn't respond.
Willow let out a choked laugh when she realized that she had leaned forward unconsciously, better positioning herself to hear Xander's response. She drooped back into her former position, tears swimming in her eyes. "It's just that... I _love_ him, Xander. Me, little mousy Willow Rosenberg, in love with a vampire. A _soulless_ one at that!"
"And you're probably not finding this all that forgiveness-worthy are you? I mean, you warned me about Spike, and I know you don't like him. I bet you're wondering how I could have possibly gambled on your life in order to save his. How I could have risked _everybody's_ lives to save his."
She folded her arms, hugging herself lightly. "The others are wondering the same thing. Cordelia hasn't come to see me even once... I can't blame her, I suppose. I... I'm actually surprised that all of them aren't shunning me."
Willow's head dropped, limp red hair dangling around her drawn face. A harsh sob tore into the silence. "I never thought it would be like that! He was gone, and a part of me went with him! There was this huge, empty hole inside of me... and... and I couldn't even imagine living with it within me for the rest of my life! We... we were just starting to work things out, and it wasn't fair!" Her anguished words hung in the air, unanswered.
"It's like the entire world just... stopped," Willow whispered after a long moment, her voice wavering. "And all I could think about was the pain in my heart... and the dust. I didn't think, Xander! Me! I just... reacted, reached out. I... I didn't _mean_ to drag the rest of you in... not really. But when I did... you were extra strength... and I couldn't let that go! I needed it to get him back, you see?"
She roughly wiped the tears off her face with the back of one trembling hand. The other snaked through the bars raised around Xander's bed, lightly stroking at the cool skin she found. "And then... I had him. And the world started again... and I'd nearly _killed_ all of you! I never thought... that I could be so... so _selfish_. I woke up in a hospital bed, and Giles was there, and he was looking at me... and he was so... disappointed.... I nearly killed you, Xander. After everything we've faced together, it was _me_ who came closest to killing you!"
"I would have came to see you sooner, but I was in and out of consciousness for a while. They wouldn't let me out of my room, either. I wanted to see you, though. I had to explain... I had to _see_ you, I had to know that you're still here. I... I'll understand if you never want to talk to me again Xander... as long as I know you're all right..."
He didn't answer.
Buffy slung her purse over her shoulder before glancing towards Cordelia. "Are you coming, Cordelia?"
The dark haired girl nodded. The dark circles underlining her eyes, not even touched by makeup, clearly stated how upset she was by what was happening. "Yeah, I haven't seen Xander today yet," Cordelia said, her voice catching as she said his name.
"And... Willow?" Buffy said cautiously. She understood what had driven the young witch's actions. She hadn't done her duty and destroyed Angelus, she had hurt others through that inaction, and hurt them again when she had abandoned her friends and duty after sending him to Hell. Buffy understood the actions which love could drive one towards. And as strange as it was, Buffy no longer had any doubt that it was love... on Willow's end, at least.
Cordelia hadn't been quite so understanding. She had yet to visit the other girl, although she saw Xander at the hospital every day. The feelings that Willow's magical drain on them were still to confused and painful to approach. "No," Cordelia stated flatly. "And not for a long time -- if ever."
Buffy looked at her sadly, wondering if the friendship that the two girls had built was injured beyond repair. At the same time, the part of her that had felt envious of the relationship that had grown during her absence welcomed the chance to reclaim the sole position as Willow's best female friend. Buffy cringed at that desire, not wanting to examine the unbecoming emotions any further.
"You're going to have to talk things out, Cordelia. You can't just let things fall apart between you."
The other girl shrugged, her face emotionless. "Watch me."
~End~