SERIES: Choices (#11)
AUTHOR: Tisienne Blue
E-MAIL: tisatko@msn.com
POV: Angel!!!
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You know, in all the years I've known him, I never thought he was a *moron*. Impatient...? sure. Too optimistic about his questionable 'plans'...? absolutely. Unrealistic...? you bet. But a moron? Never! Just goes to show that I'm still capable of being incredibly *wrong* from time to time.
He's my childe; my favoured childe, in point of fact, and that never really changed, regardless of the soul I have now. And don't think that knowledge hasn't made things a little... uncomfortable for me for the last century or so. You have *no* idea of what it's like to care so much about the things I've done, but still glory in the blood-thirsty cruelty of my boy. Hell, the only reason I was so hard on him the *last* time I was soul-less was because my demon couldn't stand the amount of affection I'd had for the lad while still souled! I mean, think about it. As ineffective as his Sunnydale plans always were, I could have dusted him at least a dozen times over... if I'd really wanted to. But that was then.
He's a different demon now, and while I know that part of the changes are due to the fucking chip that bastard Riley's people put in his skull, I'm completely convinced that most of it is because of... Willow. She's somehow managed to make him... I almost want to say 'softer', but I know that's not really it. He's *not* soft; he's just... I don't know. More thoughtful, maybe. He sees more than what he wants these days; *that* much was obvious when he came to me a couple months back, asking for my help. It seems like... maybe he's found a happy medium between the doormat of a bad poet he once was, and the wonderfully aggressive, entirely vicious vampire I made him in to. And if I'm right, then it *has* to be because of 'his Red'.
Now, Willow's the sweetest, smartest, *kindest* girl I've ever known. The most open-minded, too, and I don't mean because she had a girlfriend for a while. No, what I mean is... Almost from the *moment* she found out about me-- the whole 'vampire with a soul' thing-- she never treated me any differently than she did her *other* friends. She was never afraid to acknowledge my demon side, and... she never expected me to act like a human, or to be a man. She always understood what I was, and that knowledge never affected her pure heart. She accepted the fact that I have a demon just as easily as she accepted Xander being a big doof, and Buffy being the Slayer, and... She'll always hold a special place in my heart because of it.
I'm not gonna lie, here. When Spike came to me the last time, and I smelled her all over him, I was... incredibly pissed off. I can't deny it. I don't know *how* many thoughts raced through my head, each one worse than the last. I *would* have dusted him if he hadn't convinced me that he loved her... and that she-- in all likelihood-- loved *him*, too! But the fact that he'd come to *me*, for *help*, was what really ensured his continued survival.
Of course, he was still *Spike*-- still my most troublesome, terrible childe-- so it was only *right* that I make him suffer a little bit. That's why I kept him here for three days, and I have to admit, my demon truly enjoyed making him squirm at first. But then he told me about the Initiative, and that chip, and suddenly...? It wasn't about making him pay any more. I don't think he noticed it in his anxiety to get back to the redhead he was already thinking of as *his*, but... for the first day he was here, most of my questions revolved around what they'd done to him. Then he told me about how the Sunnydale group had destroyed their complex, and I let it go. For the moment, anyway.
See, as much of a relief as it was to know that he'd been rendered basically harmless to humans, it was still... *wrong*. My boy is a *demon*, and even though his plans could have used some-- okay, a *lot* of-- fine tuning... he was damned *good* at being one! It still makes my flesh crawl to think of what *else* could have been done to him in that underground lab, but once again-- Spike being Spike-- he chose not to just... sit back and take it, and thank the Powers he escaped! None of which gets that chip out of his head, but still...!
In any case, he *did* get away, and he proved-- once again-- that he's a survivor. He couldn't feed, but he somehow managed to get in good with Buffy's gang. He helped them, and they fed him. Or paid him, but... same thing, in the long run. And that, apparently, is where he got to spend enough time with Willow that he fell for her.
I'm not really surprised that she fell, too. I mean, aside from the fact that he's actually even *more* beautiful now than he was when I made him, my boy *is* an extremely lovable sort, once he lets you in. There's a gentleness to him that he tends to keep *very* well hidden, and a quiet core of sheer acceptance that can be just... intoxicating. Not that I'm in love with him, myself. I'm *not*! Or not anymore, anyway.
But he came to me looking for help. Yeah. I think he was sure I hated him, and I can't say that a part of me doesn't, but... that's mostly the demon now, resenting the fact that chipped or not; in love or not... Spike is still free, while *he's* chained up inside me.
I don't hate my childe. I never could. But I still envy him for having Willow's love. If I'd been smart, way back in the beginning, I would have kept my distance from Buffy and focused all my attention on the shy young hacker. But I didn't, and now she's his, just as much as he's hers. I gave him an almost obscene amount of money, partly driven by guilt at the things I put them both through, and I sent him home to his witch.
You know, I may have left Sunnydale a couple years ago, but I still have a few connections there. Well, *one*, anyway-- other than Giles and the Scooby gang. So I made a call, and... I remember laughing happily for him when I heard about the house he'd 'acquired', and doing it again when I found out Willow had moved in with him. I guess I thought they'd be happy, and I even started looking for a good clause-less spell in preparation for the day he turned her.
Yeah, that's the last thing anyone would expect of me, right? But I know my childe, and there's no way he'd ever let her grow old and die, and I figured... If she never killed, she'd never be damned, right? She'd still be Willow, all my previous words to the contrary aside, and... she made him happy. Besides, Willow Rosenberg isn't someone I'd actually *mind* having in the world for eternity. So, I thought they were happy together, and I left them alone. Once I knew they were sharing that house, I just... turned my back. Maybe I was jealous, but... whatever.
But obviously I was wrong, because he turned up here yesterday afternoon. It was a rare cloudy day, which is the only reason he made it without turning into a big pile of stinking ash, I think, but I'm not sure he wouldn't have preferred that, judging from the look on his face. He stumbled into the lobby-- scaring the *Hell* out of Cordelia, by the way-- and he was trying so hard to look so stoic! It would have been amusing if I hadn't felt the waves of gut-wrenching misery flowing from him, but I did, and all I could think to do was take him upstairs and give him a room. And that's where he's been ever since.
He hasn't said a word. He completely ignores the blood I bring him, and if I didn't know better, I'd think he was trying to wrest my 'King of Brood' crown from me, and... He *looks* fine, but he's bleeding on the inside, where I can't do anything about it. His eyes-- those beautiful blue eyes that used to dance with such wicked pleasure-- are dead in his face, and... I can't stand seeing him like this! It's a thousand times worse than when Dru left him for that Chaos demon. At least *then* he had some fire! But he's more dead now than I've ever seen him, and I'm including the hours I waited for him to wake from being turned. He's my boy, and he's hurting, and that's just... unacceptable!
I don't know what's happened with him and his Willow, but I'm for *damned* sure gonna find out, and the best way to do *that* is...
'Giles,' I say, when the man picks up the phone on his end, 'I need to reach Willow...' I can't believe the spate of words I'm hearing, because... Willow's never been inconsiderate or foolish, and I know for a *fact* that she's not a 'stupid, stupid girl', but I'm not gonna tell *him* that; not until he tells me what I want to know, anyway. I roll my eyes when he hangs up on me, and I'm wondering what to do next when the phone rings.
I pick it up, of course, thinking maybe it's Giles calling back, but it's not. It's a girl, and her voice is vaguely familiar. It's not easy to identify, mostly because she's whispering, but when she mentions something about the gang being pissed off because Spike's been giving Willow 'lots of orgasms'...? I know. 'Anya,' I say, interrupting her soft commentary, 'Where is she?' and 'Thanks...' after scribbling the number down. I almost want to go to Sunnydale to talk to the witch in person, but I'm afraid that Spike'll do something stupid while I'm gone, so...
I dial the number, and when I hear her hoarse, tear-thickened voice, I *know*. Whatever the reason, whatever the cause, leaving her was *his* choice, and... I was wrong. My childe *is* a moron. But his woman isn't. She says she knows where he is, and that she doesn't want to intrude on whatever it is he feels like he needs to do, and I can tell she doesn't really understand, and that's when I realize. If he'd claimed her, she *would* know! She'd know everything he's feeling, and he's even more of a moron than I would have thought possible. 'Uh, Willow,' I start, and I can *feel* her getting angry on the other end of the line as I explain. I think it's because we're still a little connected, what with her having restored my soul and all.
By the time I finish, she's furious, and I almost pity my boy. But he's brought this on himself, after all, and... Sadly enough, both my soul *and* my demon are looking forward to seeing him pay for hurting the girl that way. I think we may *both* be just a little bit in love with her. Not enough to do anything about it, but... enough to want her happy. And if *her* happiness contributes to my *childe's*? Well, that's even *better*.
So I'm waiting for Willow. She said she was leaving right away, so I figure maybe an hour and a half; two hours, tops. Maybe I can get him to drink something before she gets here. I hope so; I have a feeling he's gonna need his strength before she's done with him.
End.