Always You
By Angel Jade
Part Two
"Oh God." The voice keeps saying. "Lindsey?"Lindsey. That's my name. "Huh?"
It seems I have lost my voice. My throat feels rough. Like I've been screaming.
I have been screaming.
With all the movie-like effects and deranged sound effects, it comes back to me. Short flashbacks like something out of a…Oh God. This is real. My life.
Angelus.
"Lindsey?"
Angelus?
Who keeps calling me?
I can't talk, so I groan instead. Let them know I'm alive. I have no voice, I can't open my eyes and my hearing is blurry. And I think I'm dying.
Kinda wish I'd stayed asleep now.
Gonna rest now. Yeah…rest is good.
"Lindsey? This is Cordelia." A female voice says.
Cordelia…Cordelia…oh, right. Yeah, I know Cordelia.
Did Angelus get her too?
"Aglus…" I try to say…to warn her.
"It's okay. Angelus has gone." She says to me.
I relax a little. Just for a moment. I know he'll come back. He said to me…while he was…he said he'd be back. Told me to…wait for him.
"Cordelia…go get some bandages." The male voice says.
Funny. Sounds like Angel. Angelus…gotta get it right.
---
"Say it."
"Say what?" I choked out.
"Who's fuckin' ya, Linz?" He asked.
I didn't reply. To much pain. To humiliated.
He grabbed my cock and squeezed painfully. "Who's fuckin' ya, Linz?"
"Angelus!" I cried out in desperation. I felt tears in my eyes and prayed they wouldn't fall.
---
"Lindsey…Angel, I think he's coming round again." Cordelia's voice said.
Angel?
"Cordlya…not angl, lst hs sol." I tried to say.
"It's okay…he's Angel again." She said, soothingly. "You are Angel again, aren't you?" I heard her ask, causiously. "Just checking."
"No." I say. No. He can't be Angel again. Because if he is, he'll remember what he did. He'll remember what I did. And my hell will have just begun.
"Lindsey." His voice is so full of pain. I was in a lot of pain. His is different.
"Angel, perhaps it would be better if we took him to the hospital." Cordelia whispered.
"No." I say. It's the one word I know I can get out.
"Lindsey, you're hurt." She says, her voice a little nervous. She has seen. She knows what he can do now. She didn't know before. But now she knows.
"Cordelia, go home. I'll take care of this." Angel says. Bossing her around. What's the difference between Angel and Angelus again?
---
"You wanna know the difference between me and Angel, Lindsey?" He asked me, as I lay broken in front of him. "Angel pretends to be nice and I don't."
I remember thinking that that wasn't true. Angel has a dark side, and I've seen it.
"He's wanted to screw you from the moment he saw you." Angelus whispered in my ear. "He wants to fuck you, to bite you and to kill you. Trust me, I know."
Didn't care whether he was telling the truth or not. There was no Angel. I had, in effect killed Angel. But I screwed up again. Can't even fail properly.
---
"Hey." He says as I open my eyes. I was asleep. I must still be asleep. That can't be Angel. He's looking at me, as if he's about to cry.
I turn away.
Nothing I want to say to him. Don't even want him dead. Want me dead.
"Lindsey, I…" He's trying to apologise. That would be funny, if it weren't such a bad situation. He can't say it. Don't care anyway. Don't need his apology. Need him to leave. Can't look him in the eye again. I might break all over again.
I try to say go away, but I think it comes out less than audibly.
With sick revulsion and pure shock, I realise he has reached over and brushed a stray strand of hair from my face. I look at him, wondering if maybe this is a third side. Yet another version of the same vampire.
He looks almost as bad as I do.
His eyes…I think he's been crying. I say nothing.
"Lindsey…"
"No' now." I say. Not now, not ever. Don't look at me.
I'm willing him to leave. Staring at him, waiting. He gets the hint. With eyes cast to the floor, I watch him leave me here. Bandaged, bruised and weak. Alone. And quite possibly in Angel's bed. That thought fascinates me far more than it should.
---
"Stop." I whispered, hoarsely. "Please."
I was begging.
But that was really no surprise. I had not thought it possible to be in that much pain and still be conscious. When he said he's had experience, I hadn't understood the meaning of the words. Now I do.
"Ah, come on, you can do better than that." He teased, running the blade down my back, absent-mindedly.
What more did he want from me?
"Angelus, stop it, please." God, I sounded so pathetic.
"That was your best?" He asked me doubtfully. "I guess we've still got a way to go yet."
---
I woke to the sounds of my screams.
It took me a while to register that it was in my head. The screams. My screams. I had screamed for hours and no one had come to my rescue.
I want to scream again. Scream in pain, in anger, in anguish. Any scream. That'd be nice. But I don't think my throat agrees.
"Lindsey."
Oh please, leave me alone. Go away.
"Lindsey."
Stop saying my name. Your voice is his. You are him.
"Lind…"
"Shut up!" I can talk. That's new. Still rough, but those were defiantly words.
"I…"
"Fucker."
That felt good. Bad imagery but worth it for the look on his face.
"Lindsey, you need help."
Probably.
Don't know of any psychiatrists that deal in vampire rape and torture. Maybe Wolfram and Hart will…
How am I supposed to go back to work? The mind readers…they'll know. They'll tell. Shit, shit, shit. So, this is what it feels like to have your life ripped away from you.
"I'm gonna give you something."
You already did.
"It'll help you heal." He says.
"Wha'?" I ask.
I close my eyes as waves of pain start in my head. Vaguely aware that he is closer now. Above me. What's he doing?
Liquid. He's making me drink something. Tastes disgusting, but most medicine does. Oh Jesus, he's feeding me his blood.
The final insult. Making me like him. I don't want to be a fucking demon.
And yet I'm still drinking. Think I may have protested as he pulls away.
Regurgitation seems like a viable option but really don't need the embarrassment of lying in my own vomit.
"How do you feel?"
Humour the bastard.
"Better." I say. Wow, my voice is back. That was quick. He wasn't lying.
"If you need anything…"
Knife, aspirin, rope, tall building…
"…just say." He sounds concerned.
Guilty. It's only guilt. Couldn't be real concern. He wants me dead.
He gets up, walking out. Leaving me alone. Sudden desire to have company. Afraid of being alone.
"Why?" I ask. He was expecting that. He looks at me as if whatever he had planned to say is suddenly not the right thing.
"Because…I'm sorry." He says.
Yeah. Guilt. Not sure why I'm disappointed. Why else would he…?
"And because I…" He stops. Tries to leave again.
"You what?" I wanna know.
"I'm responsible. And you can't go anywhere else."
He's not supposed to know that. How does he know that?
"Unless you want to go somewhere else?"
"Wolfram and Hart…" I say. He nods. Understands. He'd be the same about his friends. No one wants that kind of sympathy.
He goes to leave again. That pisses me off.
"Stay." I say, hesitantly. He looks at me as if I've gone mad.
Must have been the last blow to the head. Only so much beating a human can take before they go nuts, ya know.
"If you want me to." He says. He looks happy. Well, as happy as this moody bastard gets anyway.
"Don't wanna be…" I don't have to finish. He understands. Angelus was right. We are alike. That cheers me up some. Makes me think that I can make up for things I've done. Used to believe I was a lost cause. He isn't. Maybe he thinks I'm not. I'll ask him about that later. Ask him if I can be like him.
He just might take me seriously.
Couldn't take it if he laughed at me.
Still waiting for him to get angry. He knows what I did. That it was my fault.
---
"Can't thank you enough, Lindsey." Angelus said to me. "You've done what many have tried to do and failed. You killed Angel. You brought me back."
I was chained to the ceiling. He was remarkably good at improvising. Couple of chains turned into a homemade torture chamber. Why Angel kept a whip is beyond me. Angelus reckoned Angel is a kinky bastard.
"Are you glad you did it?" He asked, grinning. It terrified me how evil he looked then. How the shadows on his face made him seem darker than anything I could have imagined. How his eyes…his eyes were still cold. But so evil. I never want to see that again. To look into pure evil. That was disturbing in itself.
"Lindsey!" He moans like a child. "You're not talking anymore. You're no fun. Do I have to make you scream again?"
He really didn't want an answer because the whip snapped at my back before I could even think of one. I guess my scream was enough for him.
"That's better."
---
"Angel!" I yell out as I snap out of it. He's by my side in a moment.
But it's no longer the dream that disturbs me.
I just called out to him.
How low have I fallen?
"Are you okay?" He asks.
Not anymore.
"Yeah. Fine." I reply. Keep your distance. Act cool.
Yeah, because that worked with Angelus.
He's looking at me. Doesn't believe me.
"Just a dream." I say. Why I'm giving him that much, I don't know. Just can't stand to see him worry about me. He shouldn't. I'm not worth it.
I don't deserve his sympathy and I sure as hell don't need it.
His hand is so close to mine. It's lying on the bed next to me. Wish he'd hold it. Like my mom did when I was sick. Always made me feel better.
This is Angel, Lindsey! Vampire. Enemy. The guy you're trying to kill.
Was trying to kill. No longer an enemy and…still a vampire. But with a soul.
Like it matters.
Having a soul never made me a good person.
Why does that thought make me want to cry?
"I'm sorry." I say before I can stop myself.
And the humiliation begins again.
"What?" He doesn't understand.
"What I did…"
"Lindsey…don't. You don't need to…"
"I do." I say firmly. "It's all my fault."
"Well…yes." He's smiling. A warm amused smile. Not the evil amused smile. They're easy to get mixed up.
"What?" I ask, trying not to smile as well. Not the time to be smiling. Not the person to be smiling with.
"Sorry. Lindsey, you don't need to apologise. I think…" He's trying to think of something better than `you got what you deserved' or `you've been punished enough.'
"You were only doing your job. It's not like you wanted Angelus back, personally."
True.
"I should be the one apologising." He says, softly.
Please don't.
"I'm tired." I say quickly. He nods and goes back to his chair. Knows what I'm doing and lets me get away with it. Even if it makes it harder on him.
I just can't hear it. Not yet.
"I guess we've still got a way to go yet." That's what Angelus said. And he has a point.