Backstage
By Lisa Martin
"I didn't expect that," he says softly.
Neither did I. This reply, I mean. "Why not?" He answered that one already, Xander! "I mean, what makes you so sure I would forget that promise the moment I got back home?"
"Come on, pet, who wouldn't want you?"
A lot of people. "I would've turned them all down." Get it through your head, I love you!! Then why can't I say it?
He seems at a loss for words. Quite an accomplishment, something I should be proud of, yet I'm not. I'm anxious. "You want me?" His voice is even softer now.
"Yeah." Question remains, does he want me? I get my answer a second later.
He closes the distance between us, walks straight into my arms.
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but I discover it's not always true. Having him in my arms brings back the feeling I had during the whole time I spent with the band. Familiar and oh so good. Belonging, acceptance, being loved, it all blends together. It's a heady feeling, something I could get high on so easily. But I want more. In all the time we were on the road, we only kissed once. I want a kiss now. "Spike?" He mutters something against my shoulder. "Kiss?"
His head comes up and there is that trademark smirk. "Kiss what, luv?" And the attitude.
"Me?"
"Ooooh.."
I don't wait for the rest of what is probably one of his annoying comebacks and kiss him. Our one and only kiss was a bit of a one sided affair, I was too stunned to respond properly, but now I give it all I have. He is anything but stunned and I am kissed like never before. When he lets me up for air, we are both grinning like madmen. This is it and we know it. At this moment I'm making the decision to spend my life with a vampire, a male vampire, and you know what? I've never been so darned happy in my life! Consequences be damned, I'm not letting this one slip away from me.
"Made up your mind, luv?" He's regarding me with curiosity.
"Yep," I nod. "And no one is going to change it."
"Red won't be too happy with it."
She won't. Most likely, she will never speak to me again. Sad, but her loss. "I don't care, I truly don't. I never said anything against her relationship with Tara, supported them even. Okay, I wasn't exactly Mr subtle when it came to Buffy and Angel, but I didn't trust him. Still don't."
"The what makes you trust me?" Good question, to which I have an answer.
"You never pretended to be anything you're not. You're a vampire and proud of it."
He smiles. "Damned right I am. Why lie about that?"
"Oh, I can think of several thousand reasons."
"Give me one."
I tick off my fingers. "Evil, soulless, bloodsucker, bad hair, fashion sense." The next moment I'm lying on the ground, a fully vamped out Master Vampire on top of me. And I laugh.
"Fashion sense????" he growls.
"Yeah, black.and black.and black.Saves time dressing I suppose."
"Compared to you I'm a picture of elegance!" It comes out harsh, but I see the twinkle in his eyes. A vampire in game face, with bared teeth, ridged forehead and yellow eyes that are twinkling with mischief. What a strange world I live in.
"What's wrong with my clothes??"
"Too baggy. Show off, pet."
"Show off what?" I am innocence itself, sure I am.
"This.." A hand grips my upper arm and squeezes it. "And this.." His other hand trails along my thigh. "And of course, this!" Two hands flip under me and grab my ass. Point taken. That is..
"Think I should?" This is not teasing, I am pretty self-conscious about my body.
"Luv, you have a great body. Nice muscles.." Another squeeze of my arm. "Not too bulky, just right."
As long as he thinks so. That is the most important thing for me now, what others think doesn't matter anymore. I reach up and touch his face, feeling the ridges melt away as he morphs back into his human visage. "You look pretty great too." Mentally I hit myself. Hard. He looks damned great, absolutely fantastic. What is it in me that prevent me from saying those things?
"Could be better. Been on a tight diet lately." He says it casually, yet there's a roughness in his voice that belies that. I run my hand over his side and feel it clearly, he's thin.
"Not anymore," I tell him firmly. "I'll fatten you up."
"Oh. And I thought..well..never mind."
"Thought what?" I can sense it, this is an intro to some serious teasing.
He leans in, our faces almost touching. "Thought I would get some exercise first."
"Oh yes, you'll get that, but food first," I shoot back.
"Offering?"
"I might."
"Fresh or stored?"
"Stored. About a year old, should be really good by now."
"Abou.Xander!!"
"What?" I have trouble to hide my grin, real trouble. And of course, he takes advantage of that. Ruthlessly.
"I prefer blood that's about..oh.twentysomething year old." Our foreheads are touching. "Inside a twentysomething year old body." A nip on my nose. "After I take that body.." Nibble on my lower lip. "In a very different way."
Oh God.oh shit.body stop shaking. Serious teasing indeed. "Spike." Was that a moan? Yep, it was.
He chuckles, gives me a quick peck on the lips, rolls off me and sits up.
"I would love to take that body here, but there is something I have to do first."
"Grbll.." I am not in any state to form words.
Another chuckle. "I'm mean, I know luv." The smile fades. "I came here for two reasons. One, to see you and two, to close off a period in my existence."
My mind is clearing. "Buffy."
"Yes." His voice is soft and almost distant. "I need to do that, before I can go on."
I sit up as well and simply draw him in my arms. He melts into the embrace, leaning against me. "No need to explain," I tell him. "We both need it." He says nothing, just clutches me more tightly. And there they are, the words that were in my mind all the time, finally making it to my mouth. "Love you, need you."
He pulls back and his hands cup my face. "I love you. You've been in my mind the entire year." A smile. "Yeah, I have been counting days as well. Missed you. But I needed.."
I shush him by putting a finger on his mouth. "I know. So did I. So what do you want to do?"
He swallows. "Think the others are gone?"
And I know what he wants. "Think so. Come on."
We walk back to Buffy's grave side by side. As by unspoken agreement, we don't touch each other. This has to be done first.