Family
By Velvet Crypt
Chapter FiveI was pretty sure that Lys was about to kill me. When the bond was formed, we began to experiment. We realized pretty quickly that whoever had donated the piece of the pentacle to the bond got the brunt of the 'stuff' that went along with it. I'm talking mainly about the emotions. Anytime a strong emotion leaked, it leaked the worst into Lys.
I suppose she wouldn't have minded so very much if the emotions were pleasant. She enjoyed actually feeling how much we loved her and the others. She even developed a new liking for the scoobies once she felt how much I loved them. However, she got the brunt of what I felt for Spike also.
What I felt for Spike. How simple to say, how desperately complicated to feel. He was still angry that we could have died feeding him. The benefits didn't seem to phase him. He was stuck on the 'we could have died' argument. And because I was the adult, like that had any damn thing to do with what Nate or Lys or Ellie decided they wanted to do, I was responsible for everything.
As pissy as he was, it was probably my fault the earth was round, too. So, I kept leaking all this unrequited love through to Lys, along with horrible guilt and overwhelming sadness that I'd lost any chance of being with him for good. It sounds so blasé. But, my God, it hurt. He filled my every thought. I stared at him like a dying man in the desert. He was the unattainable drink of cool water.
I remembered all the times we touched, even for a moment. When we'd slept together, when he'd touched my hand as he handed me the stake that night, how he'd hugged me when I offered him a co-guardianship. I could feel him burned into my skin like a brand. I craved more. It was like a tangible loss, his refusal to speak to me. I didn't understand. It was like he hated me. I cried myself to sleep every night, knowing he was only a few feet away from me. But those few feet stretched like miles.
He ghosted around the house, doing daily chores, taking care of the kids. I went to work, came home, and spent time with the kids. We didn't do family things anymore. He always had something to do, somewhere to go. The final straw for me came the night that we invited the scoobies over for dinner and movies. Spike cleaned the house that day while I was at work, and whipped up batches of munchies.
He had dinner started when I got home and soon after the scoobies began piling in the door. Dinner was amazing. Of course when I mentioned it to Spike, I just got an expressionless stare. Two second later, when Dawn echoed my sentiment, she got a smile and a blow by blow of one of the funnier things that had happened while cooking.
I took the hint and slunk off into the living room to start the movies. Buffy followed me and kept giving me worried looks. As soon as she opened her mouth, I placed a finger on her lips. "Please. Let it go." I whispered. She frowned, but nodded.
Soon we were all piled onto the couches. Giles, Willow and Buffy on the couch, Dawn and Tara at their feet. I had the end of the couch, Lys was next to me. She held Ellie and Nate took the other end. When Spike walked into the room, Nate smiled and scooted to the floor. Surprisingly, Lys scooted down to take over her brother's spot. That left the only opening next to me.
Spike looked at me for a long second, and then glanced at Lys. "Shove over, luv." He said.
She shook her head. "I'm comfy, just sit in the middle."
Spike stared at her. She met his gaze with her own and something passed between the two of them. Finally, Spike turned and headed to the hall closet. Pulling out his duster, he flung it around his shoulders. "Later, all." And the door shut behind him. I could feel their eyes. Every set of them, trained on me. I couldn't meet any of them. I could feel the sting of tears begin and knew all it would take was a comforting word or a commiserating glance.
So, I pushed play and stared at the screen, seeing only a pale face full of…nothing; no emotion, no sign that I mattered one way or the other to him. I couldn't help it. I felt one tear burn its way down my face. Its exit signaled the tidal wave. So I sat; stoically staring at the movie I didn't want to watch, feeling hot tears cut paths down my face, hoping everyone was watching the movie.
Lys reached over and snatched the remote. She angrily shut the TV off and threw the remote across the room. Settling Ellie on the sofa she turned to glare at me. "Well?" she demanded.
"Well what, Lys?" I replied closing my eyes. So much for hoping no one would notice.
"Well, when the hell are you two going to say something to each other?" She jumped up and began pacing. "You two are in my head constantly. Both of you keep trying to hide from me, so all I get are angsty feelings and despair. It's beginning to piss me off."
Xander looked up at her. "I really think this isn't the time or place for this Lys."
"No, I think it is, Uncle Xan." Nate surprised him by butting in and standing up to be at his sister's side. "Unlike Lys, I can't feel either of you at all. It's like you both live in some emotional soup, neither one of you really thinking at all."
"Kids, we have company." Xander said carefully. "Can we not do this now, please."
"No! If we don't do it now, you'll find some reason to ignore us later. Now what is going on?"
Xander dropped his head back against the couch. "Nothing is going on Lys. Literally. Spike is still pissed that I let you feed him. He doesn't want to have anything to do with me because I let you get hurt."
"Bullshit." Lys snapped. "I don't feel anything like that. When he gets all angsty, I don't feel anything towards us. I know he was pissed for a while. I felt that loud and clear. But he was actually pissed at us for taking advantage of the fact that you were out of it to do what we wanted. I got that little lecture. That has nothing to do with this."
Xander laughed harshly. "Great. Then he hates me for something I can't even figure out. Wonderful. That makes this so much easier."
"Why won't you just talk to him, Uncle Xan?" Nate asked quietly. Xander reached up to rub his eyes with the heels of his hands.
"Nate, he doesn't want me to talk to him. He wants me to leave him alone. He wants me to never speak to him again. He wants me to fall off the face of the earth."
"What do you want?" Buffy asked. Xander's head shot up and he wiped his tears away. Feeling like a bug on display, he drew his legs up under himself and crossed his arms.
"I just want my family back." He replied. Buffy looked at him closely.
"No, I don't think you do."
Xander narrowed his eyes. "Really? And what do you thing I want, Buffy?"
"How long have you been in love with him, Xander?" She said quietly.
Xander flinched. "I'm not in-"
"Xander. How long?" She interrupted.
"I don't know." He whispered, closing his eyes again. "Forever? Since Anya left? Since he moved in? Since I was born? I don't know. It feels like forever. It hurts like forever."
He felt the couch sink and a hand take his.
"Xander, why won't you tell him?" Willow rubbed her thumb across his hand.
He smiled, his eyes still closed. "Tell him what, Wills? Oh, hey, Spike. I know you're a vamp, and I know you aren't into guys, not to mention you're only here cause of the kids, but I'm in love with you and I think if you don't stop hating at me, my heart is going to break."
"Yeah. That would work." Xander's eyes shot open. He felt the rush of adrenaline and a flutter of fear.
"That would work just fine." Spike continued. Xander looked up. Spike stood in the doorway, duster still on. He had a strange expression on his face. One Xander couldn't read, and he just stared at the brunette.
"Fuck." Xander whispered, and jerked his hand out of Willow's grasp. In one fluid move, he shot up off the couch and ran for the back door. Spike intercepted him. Damn vampire speed. Xander screeched to a halt before barreling into him.
"Where do you think you're going, Pet?" Spike purred.
Xander started backing up. Spike followed. He followed Xander around the couch, stalking him like a large cat. Xander maneuvered so that he was mere feet from the doorway. Spike shook his head. Xander suddenly looked behind the blonde and his eyes widened in horror.
"Christ! Ellie!" He made as if to push past Spike to get to her. Spike spun around ready to vanquish anything that dared threaten his baby. He saw her sitting on the couch stuffing popcorn in her mouth. When he turned back, he saw the front door swinging closed.
With a grin he shook his head again. "Sneaky whelp." And he followed.
---
Xander ran like the hounds of hell were on his heels. He thanked every god he knew, and thanks to Giles, he knew a lot of them, that it was raining. Spike shouldn't be able to track him as well in the rain. He had no idea where he was going, he just ran. Tears mixed with rain and eventually, he gave up trying to figure out where the hell he was, he couldn't see anyway.
Finally, he stopped. Looking around, he laughed in disgust. How typical. He'd run to the cemetery. He leaned against a crypt and tried to catch his breath. "Fucking idiot, Xander." He gasped. "Way to go, moron. Can you think of anything else you'd like to fuck the hell out of today?" He laughed and smacked his head on the cold stone. "Except for Spike?"
"I think that would be a pretty good start." A smooth purr reached his ears.
Xander looked up. Spike stood in front of him, rain dripping off of his beautiful aquiline features. His blue eyes burned with something Xander couldn't identify. "I'm sorry, Spike." He whispered, hardly hearing himself. But he knew the vamp would hear. "I fucked everything up and I'm sorry. I promise I won't ever say anything about it again. Just…the kids really need you. You aren't going to leave are you?"
Spike hunched in front of the soaked brunette. "Why would I leave?"
"C-cause of what I said in there."
"Do you think that bothers me?"
"I don't know. Does it?"
Spike shrugged. "It bothers me that you told everyone else about it but didn't tell me."
Xander blushed. "I didn't exactly mean to tell anyone at all."
"Why? Are you ashamed?"
Xander looked affronted. "Ashamed? No! What the hell have I got to be ashamed of?"
"That I'm a man? That I'm a vamp? That I'm William the Bloody?"
Xander stared at him through the rain. He looked so vulnerable, hunched over in his leather duster, staring at his feet.
"I'm not ashamed of you, Spike. Any part of you. I just thought it would be easier if no one knew I…how I felt."
"Why?"
"So I didn't make you uncomfortable living with someone who lo-wants you."
"Why do you think you love me, Xander?" He asked quietly. Xander laughed bitterly.
"What isn't there to love?" He waved off Spike's attempt to speak. "Fuck the past, Spike. Yeah, you were a real bastard. But, now…you love the kids, you put up with my friends, even like them sometimes, I think. You take care of us. You help the scoobies. You're funny, smart, brave. You're fucking beautiful. You're so sexy I think I may have to buy bigger pants." He smiled.
"I can't help it. I can't think of anything at all that would make me not love you, not want you. And it's killing me. So, please. Just let it go. Pretend I said nothing; pretend that you mean nothing to me. I'll try to curb myself, and we can move on, and hope that I haven't fucked up our friendship beyond repair."
Spike went breathless. No one had ever…ever…loved him like that. The thought of it caused a lump in his throat. His voice was hoarse with unspoken pain when he answered. "No. I don't want to let it go. I don't want to pretend you said nothing. And I truly don't fucking want to pretend that I mean nothing to you."
Xander eyed him warily. "Why not?"
"I have spent the last hundred plus years pretending someone did love me. Angelus, Dru…I wanted to be loved so fucking badly I could taste it." He dropped onto his ass on the ground. "All I wanted was to have someone want me, need me, love me…for me. Not because they had a fucking Sire's code, not because they were afraid there would be no one else to take care of them if I left."
Xander knelt, unconsciously moving closer when he felt Spike's pain. "I'm tired of lying to myself, Xander. I'm tired of pretending I'm something anyone would want to love. Now you tell me that you love me, and it's ripping my heart out that you want me to pretend that I mean nothing to you."
"No," Xander breathed, reaching out to Spike. "No, please…that's not what I meant. God, Spike, you mean the world to me. I just thought it would make you uncomfortable, knowing how I feel." He crawled through the muck on hands and knees to his love. Kneeling between Spike's legs, he lowered his head and buried it in the crook of Spike's neck.
"I just thought you'd be angry with me, thinking I was trying to force you into something, that's all." He breathed into the blonde's ear, nuzzling his temple. "Spike, you are everything…everything to me. I'm not required to love you. I don't need you to do anything but be with me 'cause you want to be. I want you, Spike, because you are the most sexy, gorgeous, desirable man I've ever met. I need you, Spike, to be with me, to share my life with me. I love you, Spike. I love you because I can't imagine not loving you."
He wrapped his arms around the vampire when he felt him begin to shake. "I won't ask anything from you. I only want what you want to give to me. And if that's just your companionship, I'll treasure it every second of every day. I'll live with you, no strings attached. I'll never tell you I love you again if that's what you want. But if it's okay with you, I'd rather tell you every day how much I love you; tell you how happy you make me. Even if all I get out of it is a smile."
Spike pulled away from him, looked him in the eyes. Oh, god the pain in those beautiful blue eyes. Xander felt tears stinging his eyes again.
"And you would never ask that I love you back?" Spike ventured. What the fuck am I saying? I love the boy…he's my existence. Why do I need to do this? Is it some way to keep distance between us so I won't lose so much when he's gone? Why? I'm already pretty sure that I'll take a walk into the sun if he ever dies. Still, he couldn't help it
Xander smiled at him, love in every nuance of his being. "Never, Spike." The dark brown pools drew him in, offered safety, comfort…love. Unconditionally. Fuck it all.
"Okay." He breathed. "I guess a smile once in a while won't hurt." He tried one now, and as weak as he knew it was, Xander's face lit with happiness at the sight of it. Daft git, he thought fondly.
---
When they walked back into the apartment they were stared at. Xander smiled and shook his head. "What?"
"So what's up with you two?" Buffy sighed.
Xander grinned at her. "I am in love with Spike." He turned to the vampire and practically glowed when he was rewarded with a small smile. "And I have his permission to tell him so as often as I like."
Willow looked expectantly at Spike. When he refused to meet her gaze, she narrowed her eyes. "And what exactly does Spike feel about all of this?"
Xander held up a hand. "Wills, I'm okay with him not loving me. He's here. He's with me, with the kids. He won't leave us. He'll let me love him without getting all wiggy about it. I'm all right with it. Really." He smiled again.
Spike sighed at the looks everyone was giving him. Especially Lys. "What? Like it matters to any of you what I think? It never did before."
"Well, Spike, that was before you captured the heart of our Xander." Giles pulled his glasses off to give them a quick swipe.
"I'm not going to explain myself to any of you." He glared. "I didn't explain it to Xander, and I'm sure as hell not playing show and tell with my thoughts. We are okay with the arrangement. You should be too. Deal with it."
He flopped down on the couch after removing his duster and reached for the remote. Xander grinned and settled next to him. Spike pushed play and everyone slowly filtered back to their seats. No one was happy about the 'arrangement' but they were willing to go along with it as long as Xander looked happy.
By the end of the movie, however, every one of them was back to being concerned. Spike wound up against Xander's shoulder, Xander's arm across the back of the couch. Xander absently played with a golden curl and Spike relaxed enough to lay his hand on Xander's thigh. They looked exactly like a couple in love with each other. Not one in love and one all right with it. What the hell was going on?
Chapter SixGiles kindly agreed to watch Ellie, leaving the rest of the scoobies with an evening to themselves. Xander relented and agreed to let Lys and Nate come to the Bronze with them when Buffy told Dawn she could go. He was actually glad she had. He'd been concerned with the kids' frames of mind since the bonding.
Nate seemed okay, but Lys seemed to be having a hard time dealing with the emotions that flooded her so often. He was sort of afraid to leave her alone, but didn't want to tell her that. So, here they were, at the Bronze. They'd managed to get a table big enough for all eight of them, whether by force of numbers or the fact that Spike 'had a word' with the group of drunken teenaged boys sitting there.
It was a good band tonight. Xander could feel the bass and drums reverberating through his bones. Even Spike seemed to like the music. Currently, though, he was sitting at the table…alone…while the rest of them hit the dance floor. Willow and Tara were trying to dance as close together as the music would allow. Nate danced with Dawn. Both Buffy and Xander kept an eye on them while they danced with Lys.
Eventually, dehydration drove them back to the table and as they flopped down gasping for air, a new round of drinks was brought to them. Buffy gulped hers and smiled a thanks at Spike for ordering them.
"So, why aren't you out there shaking your thang, Spike?" She asked after she became able to breath again.
Spike shook his head. "Sorry, pet. I can only dance three ways: ballroom-thank you to me dear departed mum, wrapped around someone and barely swaying, or having sex with my clothes on."
Xander pictured rubbing all over Spike on the dance floor and blushed bright red. Buffy grinned slyly. "I bet you can't dance at all, can you?"
Spike returned her grin. "What do I get if I prove I can?"
Buffy looked thoughtful for a moment. "Umm…a kiss?"
Spike looked startled. The girls giggled. Xander began a slow burn. He went from wanting to see Spike getting groiny on the dance floor to hoping he really was lying about knowing how to dance. After a moment, Spike grinned and stood, holding a hand out to Buffy. She took his hand and they went onto the dance floor.
Buffy began to move, but Spike jerked her up against her body. Her eyes went wide but then she grinned and let him continue. In another minute, she looked like she was wondering what the hell she'd gotten herself into. Spike had her pressed up against his body, so that every move he made, she echoed. Their feet were tangled together and Buffy had her head thrown back.
He was right. It really did look like he was having sex on the dance floor with her. Xander grit his teeth and increased his grip on his glass. Lys glanced in surprise at him and gently laid her hand over his. At her touch, a cooling balm swept over him, and the anger fled. In it's place, a sharp pain took up residence. Lys visibly flinched.
On the dance floor, Spike and Buffy had drawn attention. At the introduction of three more female bodies into the press, Buffy wryly shrugged and pulled away from Spike. He laughed and one of the other girls replaced her. She made her way back to the table and waved the others onto the floor. No one wanted to take her up on it, so she grabbed Xander's hand and drug him with her.
She pulled him out to dance next to Spike and his 'women'. He half-heartedly began moving to the beat. Spike grinned when he saw Xander next to him. He danced over to Xander's side.
"Hey, mate."
Xander half smiled, no matter how irritated he was, he could never resist Spike with a real smile on his face. "Hey, Spike. Looks like something else you're better than me at."
Spike grinned. "Hell, it's easy. Here, lemme show you."
Much to the chagrin of Buffy, who was left partnerless for the second time during the same song, and Spike's women, who looked irritated, Spike slid into place next to Xander. With a sigh, Buffy left the dance floor again and sat back down. She and the others watched Spike teaching Xander and laughed at the infuriated looks the women kept giving them.
Spike began by showing Xander an easy hip roll. Xander felt like a complete moron, but tried it because Spike looked so honestly sincere and because he loved him enough to look like a total ass if it made the vamp happy. He mastered it quickly and then Spike moved on to a combination of forward and backwards hip rolls. Xander frowned as he tried to imitate the sexy blonde. He couldn't seem to get the crossover.
Spike stepped in front of him and reached behind for Xander's hands. He placed them on his own hips and thrust his ass backwards into Xander's. "Like this, mate." He demonstrated, letting Xander feel the slid of the blonde's hips under his hands and the movement of hip against hip.
Xander's breath caught, but he followed the vamp's moves. He closed his eyes against the rest of the room. He had no idea if he would ever get to be this close to the other man again, and he wasn't going to waste it by watching the other dancers eye them. In retrospect, maybe it wasn't a good idea. His sense of sight supressed, the rest of his body became more in tune.
He could smell the vampire's spicy sweat, the faint hint of leather and cigarette smoke and beneath it all…the scent of Spike. He felt the burn of Spike's hands holding his own onto Spike's slender hips. His fingers dug uncontrollably into Spike's flesh, seeking a way to drag the vampire inside of him. The feeling of Spike's ass rubbing up against his crotch was almost more than he could take.
Spike had no idea what the hell he was thinking when he stepped in front of the boy. He only knew that, in that second, he needed to feel Xander against him. He placed Xander's hands on his hips and nearly shuddered at the picture that brought to mind: a naked Xander grasping his own bare flanks as Xander shoved his cock deep inside of him.
He began moving, his body coaxing Xander's into the moves. Spike closed his eyes. Oh bloody hell, what was he thinking? He was on fire. Each of Xander's fingertips burned a brand into his flesh. He was drowning in the boy.
Buffy and Willow stared openmouthed at the dance floor. Tara saw her girlfriend gawking and turned to look herself. "Oh…goodness." She whispered. The picture that Xander and Spike painted was…erotic to say the least. Both had their eyes closed and were pressed closely enough that no light would have shown between them. Spike had his hands holding Xander's to Spike's hips but as they watched, Xander's hands began a journey all of their own.
Xander slid his hands up and around Spike's waist without realizing he'd even moved. He found Spike's shirt untucked, probably from one of those women, but he wasn't going to think about that now. Not when Spike's naked flesh was so close to his fingers. He slipped his fingers under the cotton shirt and felt an electric shock zing through his fingers. He felt Spike jerk in his embrace and smiled.
His right hand continued up Spike's chest, pushing his shirt with it, until he reached the blonde's nipples. He gently placed a single finger possessively over one of them and pulled Spike into his chest. His left hand explored Spike's belly. It found the light dusting of hair leading downwards and followed it to Spike's waistband. With a wicked grin, he slid the tips of his fingers into the waistband, feeling Spike lurch, and forcefully pulled his hips backwards. He ground the blonde's ass into his hardening cock.
Lowering his head, he breathed in Spike's scent again and buried his face into the crook of Spike's neck. A devilish thought occurred to him as he continued to dance, one with Spike's every move. He opened his mouth, feeling Spike shudder at his breath ghosting over cool skin. With a chuckle, he sank his teeth into Spike's neck.
The vamp keened a sub-vocal wail. Bloody fucking hell, what was the whelp trying to do to him? He knew that if he'd had breath, he would have lost it when Xander's innocent questing hand found his belly. His eyes rolled back in his head when Xander's finger took possession of his nipple. He lost all thought processes when his hand burned past his waistband. But this? Fuck, the boy was an inch away from being taken on the dance floor.
Lys wasn't watching. That didn't mean she wasn't paying attention. When Xander bit Spike, she wailed as well. All eyes at the table turned to her questioningly. "Lys?" Buffy asked. "What's wrong."
Lys couldn't speak. "It's too much for her, I think." Nate answered for her. "I can feel them too, and I know if I can, she's probably drowning in it."
The girls looked confused. Nate sighed. "Uncle Xan and Uncle Wil. They're horny as hell." The girls blushed and snuck glances back at the two men.
"I-it's not j-just that." Lys gasped. "Uncle Xan is…he's so close to losing himself right now. I-he wants Spike so much right now. Watching those girls and even Buffy touching him made me-Uncle Xan so very frustrated and angry. Now that I-he has Spike in my-his arms, pressed up against me-him, I just want him so fucking bad." She slammed her fist down onto the table not noticing the looks the girls gave each other.
"And Uncle Wil. Oh god, I never thought I-he had that much willpower. I'm-he's on fire. He's never touched me-him like this before. He's been so determined not to drive me-Spike away. Fuck, the whelp is intoxicating. I could happily drown in him, his scent, the feel of his body pressed against me. Fuck, 126 years old and I have a fucking teenager burning me into a fucking puddle of want and need. Oh, yes, Xan. Jesus, don't let me go, don't stop touching me."
"What the fuck am I doing? I promised not to push! I've got to stop. I've got to let go." Lys moaned. "Nonononononono, can't let him go. I'll never get him back. Tomorrow I'll just be stupid fucking Xander. He'll try to pretend this didn't happen and I'll spend the rest of my fucking life aching for him. Okay, letting go now."
"Noooooo! Fuck, Xander, don't stop! Stay with me, staystaystay…bloody hell, thank you! I know I told you I didn't want that, I know I'm a lying bastard, but with you holding me like this, I can forget that tomorrow I have to go back to hiding. Fuck I want to kiss you, taste you, fuck you into a wall. Nonono. Too fast. Stopstopstop. You'll lead him on. He'll think you just want him for sex. Fuck Xander, if only that were it."
Lys's voice broke. "Forever, Xan. I want forever. I want to feel you just like this, forever. Pressed against me, warm…hot…alive. Fuck, my perfect reason to leave you alone. What happens when you get old, whelp? When you die? I can't turn you. I'll lose you. You'll leave me. You'll leave me. Fuck this. Sound like my poncy sire. Oh, Angel, I'm so sorry I ever made fun of you if this is what you felt for Buffy. Fucking ache…Stopstopstop! Just be with him now. Just feel him. Try to pretend this will last forever. Fuck, I love you, Xan."
"I wonder if they can put this song on continual play? I wonder if continuous play could last forever? Or at least til I die. I wonder if I could get him to turn me? He wanted to turn Willow. Maybe…or I could get Angel to turn me. Yeah, and I could spend the rest of eternity looking for a way to make him want me like I want him. What a fucking joke I am. All that shit I gave Buffy and here I am…in love with my own vampire. Fuck."
Lys began to cry and Nate grasped her hand. A strange look passed between them and she seemed to snap out of whatever thing she'd been in. She blinked slowly and looked around the table at the astonished faces. "What?"
"Lys, do you know what just happened?" Willow asked, a concerned note in her voice.
Lys furrowed her brow. "What are you talking about?"
The girls exchanged looks. "Lys, I think you just channeled Xander and Spike's thoughts." Willow continued. Lys looked amused.
"That must have been pretty hot, then." She laughed, and then stopped when no one joined her. "What?"
"Lys, if that was really what they were thinking…" Tara began.
"We totally have to do something." Buffy finished.
Dawn grinned. "So, no more Spike is the bad guy?"
Buffy sighed. "I don't know. Maybe he is still a bad guy. But look at him with the kids. Look at him with Xander. And if half of what he was saying is true…" she winced. "I haven't heard so much pain since…" her voice died away. "We have to do something."