I Need You

By Dark Childe

It had been nearly a month since Xander had woken up to find a note signed William. Comfort; that's what they had both called it, and he supposed that's what it was. They took comfort in touch. Xander knew why he did, his childhood had been almost devoid of loving touch. It was a rare thing for him. Anytime he was given that all of the pain in his life seemed to fade into the background. Spike had been able to give him that. He supposed that was the same thing that Spike had needed. He hadn't expected anything to happen after that night. They had helped each other, neither would ever speak of it. They would just go back to their pathetic lives, with the memory of loving touch to help them through. That is what Xander had expected. It wasn't what had happened.

The following morning Xander had gotten out of bed and found the note. He folded it and put it in a desk drawer, for some reason unwilling to just throw it away. He'd gone to work, had lunch with Willow, and met with the entire gang that evening. He let everyone know about Anya leaving and they reacted just exactly as he had expected.

Buffy was angry, much more so than Xander himself had been. Willow and Tara wanted to mother him. They were very supportive, but it just made him feel more pathetic. They had also told him Buffy's side of the story of what happened with Spike. Xander tried to sound supportive of Buffy, but just couldn't quite bring himself to agree with her. No one seemed to notice his lack of empathy. If they did, they decided it was just because Anya had left. He wasn't quite himself yet. It had been a long and difficult day, made more so by the appearance of Spike, yet again trying to get Buffy to hear him, to love him. He had gone home tired and upset. He had crawled into bed only to be awakened a short time later by a cool body slipping between the sheets next to him. Spike was gone the next morning, another note bearing the name William left for him. And that was the way things went now.

During the daylight hours Spike and Xander would ignore each other. Spike would try to win Buffy to his side and Xander would try to help the gang. Then late at night Spike would slip into Xander's bed, leaving before dawn, always leaving a note behind bearing the signature of William. It had been a month and Xander had grown to need this interaction. To need Spike. But he didn't know what Spike wanted or needed. He didn't know if he was merely convenient, a warm body to take advantage of until the slayer finally broke, or something more to Spike.

This night was no different from the others. He hadn't seen Spike at all throughout the day. Buffy had complained about Spike's constant presence, but Xander had noticed his appearances dropping off recently. He'd worked and researched. Now he was at home, already in his bed, waiting for Spike to join him, hoping that tonight was not the night Spike would stop coming. He believed that night would come, but he pretended that it wouldn't that Spike would be here every night, forever. He relaxed when he heard the door to his apartment and open. Spike came into the room stripped off his clothes and slid into the bed, taking Xander into his arms and kissing him deeply.

The pattern continued. Spike worshipped Xander's body with his mouth and hands, taking Xander to ever higher expanses of pleasure. Then things changed. At the height of his climax, Xander cried out, "Spike, I need you. I need you." The words had been spoken before, but they were usually tempered with a mention of the sex itself. Xander and even Spike had both expressed their need for the physical contact, but this time Xander meant more, and they both realised. Xander's need was for Spike. This contact, touch, wouldn't be enough from anyone else.

Xander almost expected that to be the end of it. For Spike to get up and leave now that their carefully erected boundaries had been crossed. Spike didn't leave. He pulled Xander close holding him so very gently. Spike whispered into Xander's hair, so low that Xander couldn't make out the words. Then he kissed him again gently without the desperation of their usual kisses. When Spike broke the kiss, Xander spoke again. "Spike, please, just this once, will you stay. Will you be here when I wake up." His voice was pleading and trembling the way a voice does just before someone gives in to tears.

Spike ran his fingers through the hair of the young man in his arms. He wanted to reassure him. "I promise. I'll be here when you wake up."

Xander smiled and snuggled in closer to Spike's cool body. Sleep took him quickly. Spike watched him as he slept. The boy needed him. That caused the most interesting stir of emotions in Spike. First was pride, pride that someone needed him. The only other person who had ever needed him was Dru, and even then he was only a poor substitute for Angelus. Then he felt an answering echo of need. Oh yes, he needed the boy as well, even more so now that he knew that Xander needed him. Fear pushed itself in past the more pleasant emotions. Xander was honest and easy to read. It was only a matter of time before someone figured out what was going on. When they did, the slayer would kill him and humiliate Xander, make him believe that what he felt was wrong. Spike would not allow that to happen. The only problem was he didn't know how to stop it from happening. He thought while he watched Xander sleep. It finally occurred to him what he had to do. He had to leave, go away to where his presence could not hurt Xander. He would let the boy know where he was, but he wouldn't follow him. Xander had once confessed to him that he hadn't loved Anya enough to follow her. He didn't love Spike at all, Spike was sure of that, so there was no way that Xander would follow him.

Spike carefully slipped out of the bed, not wanting to wake Xander and went to sit at the kitchen table. There he composed his last note.

'I must leave. I'm sorry. The slayer will find out about this if I stay. She would stake me and humiliate you. I cannot allow that to happen so I'm leaving. I'm going home. I'm told that home is where your family is. I'm going to the only family I have left. Forgive me, for not staying.

William.'

Spike returned to the bedroom and dressed. He then went to Xander and kissed him one last time. Xander woke up, but only to that hazy partial consciousness. Spike brushed his lips against Xander's hair, and whispered, "I'm so sorry. Goodbye"

Spike left then, he didn't look back, just got into his car and headed towards LA. He could be there before dawn, but he would not go to his sire right away. No first he had to use up some of his aggression. Fight something. Maybe if he fought and killed enough, he'd be able to forget what he was leaving behind. Strangely enough the thought that he was also leaving Buffy, who he had professed love for, never crossed his mind. He simply didn't care that she would be left behind as well.

The next morning when Xander woke up, he nearly cried at the absence of Spike. He'd promised he'd stay. Determined to go on with his day, and not let this interfere, Xander got out of bed, and went about his morning routine. When he went to get his breakfast he found Spike's note. He read it carefully and knew what he was going to do. He was going after Spike. He needed him. He couldn't let him just leave. They'd deal with Buffy if they had to. He packed a bag and made one phone call. He couldn't leave and not tell Willow.

It was still early, Xander's construction work had always started early in the day and he'd adjusted his sleeping patterns accordingly. Willow sounded sleepy when she answered the phone. "Hello."

"Hey Wills, I need to talk to you. Could we maybe have coffee in a half hour or so." He managed to keep his voice from shaking, but he still sounded like a lost child, even to himself.

"Xander, what's wrong. Tell me." Willow came awake immediately at the sound of that voice. The last time she'd heard Xander sound that way was just after he'd had to stake Jesse. What could have possibly happened to bring that voice back.

"I'm okay Willow. I don't want to talk about it on the phone. Coffee, okay. I'll meet you there." Xander's voice was a little stronger. He had scared Willow. He hadn't meant to.

"Okay, Xan. I'll see you in half an hour, no more." Willow spoke softly, knowing her friend would tell her what was wrong soon enough. She dressed quickly and woke Tara to tell her where she was going. Willow beat Xander to the coffee shop by 5 minutes.

"Okay, now tell me what's wrong Xander. What happened that made you get that lost puppy look again." Willow spoke firmly, hoping Xander would answer her. He looked tired, and confused. He was hurt, she could see that and wanted to know what was causing it.

Xander answered her slowly, carefully. "Willow, I have to leave Sunnydale. I don't know when or if I'm coming back. I couldn't go without telling you goodbye though."

"Why, what happened that you have to leave. Xander, talk to me please." Willow was desperate. Her oldest and dearest friend was hurt and leaving, and he didn't seem to want to tell her why.

"Willow, I haven't been completely truthful with you since Anya left. I've been, seeing someone else. They are leaving and I have to follow them. I need them Willow. I can't stay while they go." Xander's tone was even, he wouldn't allow his desperation to creep in.

"Who is it Xander? Do you love them?" Willow gently questioned him.

"I can't tell you who it is Willow. Please try to understand. I'm not sure if I love them. I think I might. But Willow I need them. I need them more than air, more than chocolate. I have to go." This time a hint of desperation tinged his voice.

"Xander, you're playing the pronoun game. Is this person, is it a man, is that why you won't tell me? I don't care about that if it is. Let me help you Xander." Willow was frantic. She could feel her friend slipping away, she knew she wouldn't be able to hold him here.

"He is a man, but that's not really why I can't tell you. Look Willow you're smart, you'll figure it out. But I don't want you and Buffy following me just now. If I tell you who, you'll know where. Just let me go. I promise, I'll keep in touch. Please just let me go."

"Okay. I don't like this, but I can't keep you here. Go, do what you have to do, but don't stay away forever. Whoever it is, and whatever the circumstances, Buffy, Tara, and I are your friends. We'll support you. I wish you could believe that. I love you Xander." Willow spoke gently. She got up and hugged Xander tight before leaving, going back home to discuss what should be done with Tara. Tara would know. She always knew what to do.

Xander went back out to his car and drove away. He didn't look back. He was going to LA. He was going to the one person he needed, and who he hoped needed him as well. The drive was long, and he tried desperately to avoid thinking about what would happen at home when Willow figured out, who Xander was following. She would figure it out. he was sure of that. When Spike didn't show up for a few days, armed with the knowledge that he was following a man, and obviously someone of whom she wouldn't approve, Willow would connect the dots. Once she knew who he was following, where shouldn't take too long. He thought he probably had a week before the girls came after him. A little longer if he was lucky. Hopefully he would have things figured out by then.

He was lucky he was good at navigation. Cordelia had told him once where Angel's office was in a huge old hotel. He had remembered the instructions and was able to find it in a fairly short time. An incredible accomplishment in LA. He parked his car and walked into the lobby of what had obviously once been a magnificent hotel. He called out, announcing his presence. "Angel, are you here?" He waited for a reply but none came. He walked around the lobby, uncertain of what to do next, when a voice came from about a foot away.

"Xander, what are you doing here? Is everyone alright?" Angel was obviously worried and a little confused. He assumed that there must be some crisis in Sunnydale. Why else would this child who hated him be here. And it must be bad, because he looked as though he'd just lost his last friend. Xander was hurting.

"Everyone in Sunnydale is fine. Is Spike here?" The desperation in his voice was obvious, but Angel couldn't imagine what had put it there.

"No, last I knew he was in Sunnydale. What's wrong Xander? What's going on?" Xander had visibly paled when Angel confirmed that Spike wasn't here. Angel was more confused by the minute.

Xander's voice was edging closer and closer towards tears, when he answered Angel. "He told me he'd be here. Oh God, I hope he's okay. Why wouldn't he be here?" Angel still didn't understand what was wrong, but knew he'd have to get Xander calmed down, before he would be able to get any real information out of him. He reached Xander's side, just as the young man collapsed. Angel caught him and held him upright, manoeuvring them to a couch. Angel held Xander against his chest, and gently rocked him, murmuring soothing words. After a few minutes Xander calmed down, but he didn't pull away as Angel had expected. Angel decided that it was time to try again to figure out what was wrong.

"Spike's alive, Xander. I'd feel it if he died. He's okay. Why did you think he was coming here? Why does it matter? What's wrong?" Angel spoke gently but with a touch of command to his voice. He needed answers.

"He told me. He told me he was coming to the only family he had left. He tried to kill Dru, she left him for good, that leaves you. Angel, I need him. I think I may be in love with him." Xander answered, his voice shaky and low. He hoped that Angel didn't call Buffy to come and get him for his own good. He hoped Angel understood.

Angel sat there in shock. Xander Harris thought he might be in love with Spike, William the Bloody. Mr. Vampires Are Evil, needed Spike. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. Still it explained the desperation in the boys actions. He still needed to know what was going on here though. Why would Spike say he was coming here? What had happened in Sunnydale? "Xander, tell me what happened. I need to know if I'm going to help." He used the same voice that had worked so well for him the last time. It again produced the desired results, as Xander told Angel the whole story beginning with the night following St. Valentine's Day. Angel listened in stunned silence. Based on the story he'd just been told Angel believed that Xander did love Spike, and was even more convinced that Spike loved Xander. Buffy was a fool for believing vampires incapable of love. They were creatures of passion. Most of the time they used all of that passion for darkness, but if they channelled it into a relationship it was intense. Intense hatred or intense love. Spike had done this even more than most. Spike loved like no other being on the planet. Angel knew this having once been the object of that love. He also knew that with the chip, Spike was relatively harmless. Given these facts he resolved to help this lost young man, and his own frequently lost childe.

"It's alright Xander. We'll find him. I promise." Angel spoke soothingly. trying to disentangle himself from Xander, but Xander clutched at him. After a month of Spike's reassuring touch, he needed contact, any contact. So Angel held him. He stroked his hair, and held him, trying to figure out what to do. Where to look for Spike, how to make that look disappear from Xander's face.

Xander had been at Angel's home for a week, and they still had not found any trace of Spike. Angel was keeping Xander's presence secret from Wesley and Cordelia, at Xander's request. It wasn't hard really. Things were still very between them, and they spent as little time actually together as possible. Xander was more and more frantic each night. He had called Willow once, but only to assure her he was still alive. He had refused to answer any of her questions. Both Xander and Angel expected the girls to be beating down his door any day now, looking for Xander. Angel too was growing desperate. Where could his childe be, and why would he tell Xander he was coming here, if he really wasn't. Angel felt for the boy. He didn't know what had happened in his life to make him crave physical contact the way he did, but it can't have been good. Xander would still cling to him whenever he was near, and absolutely refused to sleep alone. He couldn't be left alone at night. Angel had to stay in the bed with him, wrap him in his arms and hold him. If he didn't, Xander would have horrible nightmares. Angel had never been particularly good with people, and this high maintenance time with Xander was wearing on him. He wouldn't last many more days like this.

That night an unexpected visitor appeared in the lobby of the hotel. When Angel saw who it was, he called Xander out to meet him. "Xander, this is the host. He's a demon, but he's not evil. He can read auras. He's helped me out before."

"My, my just the men I was looking for. Knew I'd find you here, not like you go anywhere, but had no idea I'd find this pretty one here." As usual it took Angel a minute to catch up to what The host had said.

"Wait a minute, how do you recognise Xander." Angel was confused, again.

"So that's his name, I wondered. I saw him. I was looking for you. For 3 nights now, we've had this guy, vampire, come in and sing. Funny thing, I don't see future with him. All I see is this lovely young man here, and the occasional image of you. Thought maybe you would like to know. He was quite the sensational male, too I tell you. Cheekbones to die for." The host continued talking, but neither Xander nor Angel were really listening anymore.

"Spike" Xander whispered, breaking into tears once again, and clutching at Angel.

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