Soft
Chapter One
She found me. I was on my way home. Or at least I thought I was. Somehow, though I ended up at the University end of town. Place I tend to steer clear of since the Initiative business a couple of years ago. I know they're gone, but you never can be too careful. I'd been out, at the Bronze, I think. Having a couple of quiet drinks. Trying not to think about Buffy. Trying not to think about that night again. Trying to stop myself from going and begging her for something, anything. So I did drink a bit. Anyway, there I was, making my way home, when suddenly she's there. Touching my arm, saying, "Spike?" in that tentative way of hers. As if she ain't got no right to speak or some bollocks. I understand that, but I ain't going to tell you why.
And I told her I was fine. Just on my way home. That's what I thought I was saying anyway. And then, just to prove it, I threw up. Her hands were on my shoulders, rubbing them, just so. It was…nice, comforting. Haven't had comforting in so long.
She took me back to her place. And sat me down and gave me some hot chocolate. Even though I kept telling her I was fine. She felt so…soft, as she helped me stand, helped me walk. Reminded me of Joyce a bit, the kindness.
So I'm sitting at her table with her, drinking hot chocolate. I must be really drunk though, cause when she asks if I want to talk about it, I do.
---
I sit and listen to Spike tell me that he had slept with Buffy. It was kind of a shock, but not really. I sort of thought it might happen, eventually. Spike is so in love with her. I think Buffy needed that. Needed something to make her feel. He tells me about how they slept together, then he tells me what happened after. I suppose Buffy is still scared, confused. She's had a lot of trauma lately. Still, it must have hurt Spike, what she said. He's really drunk, and he tells me everything. I realise, as I sit and listen, that he has no one to tell this to. That he's been bottling this hurt up for so long.
And then when he grows quiet, for some reason, I tell him about Willow. About how she has changed so much. About how I couldn't relate to her anymore. About how apart we've grown. About how much I miss her, how much I want to help, but how I just feel she's pulled away. And how I can't trust her, as she is now. How magic seems to be all she cares about. About how I feel controlled.
Spike looks at me like he actually cares.
"I get it," he says. "It's like the Slayer. They're both so wrapped up in themselves, in their problems that they don't care that they're shutting people out."
I smile at him. It's so good to be able to talk to someone about this. Even if they are a drunk, vampire someone.
"Got anymore of that hot chocolate love?" he asks.
---
We talk for hours. Funny that. Considering Tara's the quietest one of the lot of them. But we do. And it's good conversation, both of us agreeing, both of us relating. Haven't had that for so long. And I never noticed before how strong she is underneath that softness. Strong inside. Good too. Good strength. Glinda the good witch is Tara. She's upset about Red. Can understand that. Can see how much Red means to her.
Can understand why Tara left though. I've had people fiddle with my brain, fix my behaviour. If someone I loved did that to me, it would take a lot to make it right.
And she gets me about Buffy. She don't tell me it's wrong or disgusting. She believes that I love Buffy, that I would be good to her. That Buffy's happiness matters, but that I can't put up with being pushed aside one minute, needed another.
I never noticed how pretty Tara was before. Womanly. Soft and womanly. Must be drunk. But she is. Pretty. Soft lips.
---
He sleeps on my floor that night. I haven't got a couch, not in my dorm room. I'm lucky not to have a roomie. But it's ok. I watch him as he sleeps and it occurs to me how beautiful he actually is. He looks innocent asleep.
He's still there when I return from class the next day. I wonder if he'll be the same as he was last night. Because now he's sober, he might be the rude Spike who barely speaks to me again. Except, I do remember, when I was…away…he was kind when I hurt his hand. I remember that. And I remember when he punched me just to prove I was human, and got a headache for it. I didn't appreciate that much at the time, but I do now.
He is awake and he looks at me curiously.
"Sorry love, just waiting for the sun to go down, then I'll get out of your hair."
I tell him it's ok, that it's no problem. He nods. And he looks around. I get the feeling he's embarrassed.
I ask him if he's hungry. I have no blood for him, but I can make him something to eat.
He shakes his head, but then asks if he can have another hot chocolate.
"How was today?" he asks, and I realise that he wants to keep talking with me, the way we were last night. I tell him about my classes and he actually knows what I'm talking about - about the subjects and about the fact that Willow is sitting five seats away and I can't look at her.
Then when the sunsets, he gets up, looking a bit embarrassed.
"Thanks," he says. Nods. Then goes.
---
Neither of us do the Scooby meeting thing now, Tara or myself. We're both on the outside. I know I could saunter in and they'd find work for me to do, but I don't, because Buffy'd be there and I would have to pretend not to want to fuck her senseless. Have to pretend it didn't hurt. So, two nights later, I'm feeling a bit…bored, and I find myself at Glinda's door.
She lets me in and almost seems pleased to see me. She looks kind. I sit for a while not saying much, then I ask her if she's seen Dawn lately. She has and we talk about Lil' Bit. We sit for a bit more and then she tells me about her day.
---
He sits for a while, talking about not much, then stands up and leaves almost as quickly as he came. It happens again, every second night or so, for the next week. Spike shows up, we sit for a bit, talk, then he goes.
The second week he doesn't come for four nights. I am a bit disappointed. I was beginning to like his visits. It was someone to talk with, share with. And the weird thing is he's nice. Always nice. Always polite.
On the fourth night he does come. He's quieter then usual, just sits there, and I'm thinking he must be bored with talking to me now.
Then suddenly, out of nowhere he asks.
"Tara, you ever been with a man?"
I blush.
"Sorry pet, you don't have to answer that." He looks down, as if he's angry at himself.
"No," I say. "I haven't."
---
I didn't go to see her for four days. Because, you see, the thing is. I want to kiss her. Want to kiss those soft lips and touch that soft skin. Have those soft arms around me. That's what I want. And yes, I know, she's gay, she don't like men. And she loves Red. And I love Buffy. But I still want to. Want to drown in her. Her instead of Buffy. Because Tara is lovely, nice and kind. And if I could choose who I loved me, it would be her. But I want to kiss her.
So I don't go and see her. Because every night I have seen her, I've ended up wanting to kiss her. So I leave.
I can't stay away forever though. Because I like being with her. And I like talking to her.
Bloody hell, got to try not to fuck that up.
So I stay away for four days. Then I have to go back.
---
He half laughs.
"S'pose you don't want to then," he says. "Not something you're interested in."
I shake my head. "Um, I just…well, I hadn't…b-been with anyone before Willow." I blush at my stuttering. "I've never been interested in b-boys." And why don't I just say, no, I'm not interested?
He looks down again, into his cup of hot chocolate.
"Yeah, well, men are bloody ugly, I'll give you that."
"Y-you're pretty." And I can't believe I said that. I blush, but he's not looking at me.
He snorts. Then looks up and he scares me a little. He's so pale and his eyes are…soft, dark.
"Pet, I'm gonna ask you something, and if you don't want to, I won't mention it again, and I want you to forget I ever asked."
"W-what, what is it?"
---
I hate that I've made her stutter. She hasn't stuttered, ever, when we were talking.
"Do you promise me love, that you'll forget I asked?" I say.
She nods and I swallow hard.
"Can I go down on you?"
She doesn't answer. She just keeps looking down, not looking at me, and even her ears are blushing.
I get up. Time to go. Fucked that up mate.
"Why?" she says just as I stand.
I stop.
"Because," I say. "Because I want to taste you. Because…you're beautiful." Because she's beautiful and soft and I want to kiss her. And taste her. Yes, I want to taste her. Enfold myself in her softness.
---
The sparks that have run through my stomach at his question ignite further. I dare to look up and see him watching me carefully.
"Just go down on you," he says. "Nothing else."
I blush more. I find it hard to believe, except never, in our talks has he lied to me. And I can sense he is sincere. And two weeks ago, or even one, if he'd asked I would not even be considering this.
He wants to…pleasure me. It occurs to me that he's a man. That the thought of him sexually shouldn't be interesting. But for the first time, this at least, is interesting. I could pretend he was a woman. I could pretend he was Willow. He seemed to guess my thoughts.
"Pretend I'm someone else," he says softly.
I blush.
"Wait," I say. "I just…need to-" I indicate the bathroom. I try not to think about what I've just agreed to.
He nods and the pleased look on his face…helps.
---
She sits on her bed nervously. I kneel before her.
"Close your eyes," I murmur and she does. Good girl. I lift her voluminous skirt. It reminds me of Dru. Of long skirts and long forgotten moments. Her legs are pale. Pale and soft. I run my hands over them and find her legs silky to the knee then covered in soft hairs on her thighs where she doesn't shave. I run my hands over her legs. They feel so nice. So soft.
I lift her skirt higher. And immediately smell her arousal. It makes me hard but I ignore that. She's still wearing her knickers. White, cotton, damp. She lies back and I slide them off as she lifts her hips for me. I hear her heartbeat a little too fast, can hear her breath grow heavier.
Part of me thinks I should pretend this is the Slayer, but another part of me doesn't want to. I wonder if Tara is thinking I'm Willow.
She's soft. Her curls are soft and I sink between soft thighs. She is delicious. She tastes…sweet, salty. She makes tiny little moaning sounds.
---
I shut my eyes and imagine Willow is here, except I can't. I can't stop thinking it's Spike between my legs. His breath and tongue are cool. And my god, his tongue, it's…long. And the things he does.
I know I shouldn't be doing this. I know that. I know there are so many reasons why this is wrong. But I am, and…it feels good. So good.
---
I bury my face in her softness, in her sweetness until all her shudders stop and still I keep licking, delving my tongue into her. Finally I stop and sit back on my heels. She lies back on the bed, still gasping. Then she laughs, a very womanly laugh. Not girlish, not shy, womanly, knowing. She sits up, smiling, a light in her eyes.
"What?" I ask, half frowning, half-grinning at her expression. I wipe my face absently.
"You," she said. "I could never even imagine this would happen."
I smirk.
"Love, are you trying to tell me you didn't think I'd be fantastic at cunnilingus?" I grin.
She laughs that wonderful laugh again. "I never thought about you and…and that. That's why it's funny."
"You liked it then pet?"
She blushes but nods. The pushes her skirt down and looks around for her knickers.
And even though I'm hard as a rock, I can wait, because this is enough.
---
I look at Spike, kneeling in front of me still. I wonder if I should…I mean, I've never before…Would it be rude not to? He said he only wanted to go down on me. Nothing else. Maybe it's something he needed to do, to deal with his problems with Buffy. Maybe that's why he did it. To prove he could give pleasure. I'm not sure. It felt wonderful. I could offer. I turn red again at the thought.
"Uh, I probably should go now love," he says. He gets to his feet.
I should offer, but it seems too late now. The moment has past.
"Uh, o-ok, um," I say. "Do, do you want some, some hot chocolate or anything?"
He shakes his head.
"Thanks love…I'll see you tomorrow?"
I nod. "Ok."
He grabs his coat.
"Uh, thanks," I say. "For…um, you know…"
He grins.
"For letting me have my disgustin' perverted way with you?"
"It was nice," I say.
"Ta love." He says and kisses me quickly on the cheek. And he goes.
---
I toss off as soon as I get home. I can still taste her. Still hear her soft little moans and gasps. Still hear that laugh, that lovely laugh. Like I actually made her happy.
And not being told I was dirt - that was nice.
---
I smile as I climb into bed. My body still tingles from what he did. Or maybe it's from thinking about what he did.
I think about why he did it until I'm almost asleep, then I realise that I'm wondering whether he wants to do it again.
I tell myself it's just a one-time thing, something he needed to do. And try to go to sleep.
I'm in a good mood the next day and I find myself thinking about seeing Spike again tonight. The day gets more and more awful as it progresses though. I forget things; lose things. Then I see Willow in my last class. It's awkward. I miss her so much, but I can't be with her, not like this. I get home, wishing Spike had a telephone so I could call him and talk to him about it. He doesn't so I have to wait until he gets here tonight.
I think he's decided not to come though, when it gets to nine and he hasn't arrived yet.
---
I get to Tara's later then normal.
"Hello," she says.
"Hello," I say.
"Hot chocolate?" she asks.
I sit down and tell her that I saw Buffy today. I tell her how we ended up saying stuff to each other that shouldn't have been said. It's a relief to be able to talk about it. And I can see Buffy's side a bit now, but I don't feel so bad 'bout what I said either.
---
I tell Spike about seeing Willow in class today. We talk for a long time. Suddenly I realise Spike is looking at me. I get an unfamiliar tingle in my stomach.
"Do, do you want to do that thing again?" he asks, looking down, glancing up at me.
"Uh, wh-what thing, the um-"
"Want me to go down on you again?"
And he seems to really want to. And the idea…well there's some sexual tension from seeing Willow that needs to be released.
"Ok," I say.
---
Tara comes out of the bathroom and sits on the bed. She smells like peach blossoms. I run my hands over her skirt, then lift it.
"Close your eyes," I say again. And she lies back on the bed while I worship her. This time she lifts her hips up to meet me. It's easy to tell what she likes, the little moans and mewls and the slight movement of her hips when she likes what I'm doing. Makes me grateful for a hundred years of experience with Drusilla as a teacher. Dru's wants and needs changed by the minute. Helps to be able to keep up.
---
I cry out as I orgasm. This one was even better than last time. I feel Spike sit back, but I can't move for a moment yet. Boneless, he made me boneless.
"Nice, that was… nice," I manage, sitting up.---
I chuckle.
"Thanks pet," I say.
She's beautiful after her orgasm. Her face is flushed and her eyes wide and dark. I'm hard enough already as is. Should think about getting home. She straightens her skirt again. And she makes it seem ok, that this was the most natural thing to do.
---
I look at Spike sitting on the floor in front of me. His eyes are that soft-dark again. I glance at his crotch. Oh. I wonder again if I should offer. I mean, just to um, help. I could offer.
I slip off the bed and kneel beside him.
"Um, Spike?" I ask.
"Yes pet?" and I notice that he gets a little…trembly as I move closer.
"Would you like…" I look at his groin. "I - I mean, I've never done anything before-"
"No, no love," he says. But I notice the bulge get perceptibly larger.
"I don't mind. Just, I mean, can I touch you?"
He groans. "Bloody hell, love, course you can touch me. I just…don't do anything you don't want to do. I mean it. I didn't do that for returned favours."
I nod. I know. Which is why I unbutton his fly.
He's um, big. He shudders as my fingers brush against him.
"Pet? Do you have tissues or a towel or something?"
Oh. Of course. I get some tissues and Spike sits back. I kneel between his thighs and take him in my hand. It feels, smooth. It looks ok, ugly, and a little bit scary. It's so hard. And big. Hard but silky smooth to touch. Soft. I run my hand over it. I'm sure I'm not doing this properly but he makes appreciative noises. A little bit of fluid forms at the tip. I think Spike is uncircumcised. The skin goes to the top and as I move my hand it slides back, revealing a purple head. I run my hand up and down more quickly and he moans. I'm too embarrassed to look too closely.
"Is, is this ok?" I ask.
He half-laughs. "Yes, pet, yes it is." He lets out a little moan, then a self-deprecating laugh. "You won't hurt me love."
---
It feels so good. Her soft, warm, delicate hand, the hand Glory crushed, is sliding up and down my dick. I'm used to harder, but somehow I don't want this soft delicate feeling to stop. And I'm so worked up from tasting her that I'm not going to last, not with her touching me. Not with this hesitant trying to please.
Oh god.
---
He groans and grabs for the tissues. His hips jerk up and he lets out a loud moan. And I don't even see the…sperm, because he has the tissues ready. He looks up at me, sort of embarrassed, and tucks himself away.
There's awkward silence for a moment.
"So that's a penis," I say.
And he laughs.