Soft
Chapter Three
I don't think she realises the full importance of what she did last night. Fuck, I didn't realise myself until I'd left her place and got my head cleared a bit. The blood and sex play. Haven't done that since, well, since Dru. Harm never got into the fun side of vampire sexuality. Nothing kills the mood like your lover going "Ew?" What was more important than the kink though was the blood. Her gift of blood. I haven't had human blood in so long. And living human blood in longer. I can still taste her. She's in me now. She's a part of me. She makes me live. It was different to how it was with Dru. Dru's blood was sire's blood. Powerful, but dead. Tara was…different.
God, she was sweet.
I sit on her bed, massaging her feet in my lap. I'm busy not distracting her while she reads that book for class. I have one of her books open beside me but mostly I just watch her read.
---
It would be much easier to concentrate if Spike didn't keep staring at me. I keep my head down because I know if I look up, he's just going to raise his eyebrows, just a little, and keep looking at me. Mmm that feels nice. If Buffy knew how good he is at foot massages, I don't think she'd have left that morning. I'm not sure why I did what I did last night, why I let him taste my blood. It just…seemed…right, at the time. Spike keeps rubbing my feet and finally I give in and look up from my book. And he does raise his eyebrows, just a little, and keeps looking at me. Just a hint of a smile. His expression is…soft.
---
Her bodices fascinate me. She owns a never-ending range of them. Each fitting her just a little differently. With ribbons and strings and buttons that are just asking to be pulled and undone. Soft colours, blending in.
She laughs softly and rolls out of my reach when I tug at them. So I grab her around the waist and lie her down and while she laughs that wonderful laugh, I slip down and do what I am allowed to do.
I fall beside her on the bed when I am completely finished punishing her for not letting me play with her ribbons. She lets out a small happy sigh and smiles at me. I prop myself up on one elbow and watch her. She rolls onto her side towards me. Close to me. Our lips touch. Briefly. Chastely. Friendly. Just playing, just exploring.
And this time, as she takes me out and strokes me, rubbing her delicate hand over my hard cock, we drop soft kisses on each other's lips. Just softly, just pecks.
She moans just so, when I touch her again.
---
Later, we lie on the bed, faces barely an inch apart, stealing quick kisses as we bring each other to completion. I reach my second orgasm for the evening just before Spike comes in my hand. Once tonight with his mouth and once with his hand.
His face as he comes; so pale, his eyes such a dark blue. I realise that the hurt and need isn't there. Just for a moment.
---
It occurs to me, later, as I walk home, not smoking, so I don't lose the taste of her, that she lets me love her the way I want to love Buffy. Let's me express the soft feelings I want to show the Slayer but can't. I feel bad, suddenly, at the thought that I am using Tara as a substitute. But I know it's not like that.
We take what we can give each other. Mutual understanding. Comfort. I wonder what I give her. Do I let her feel comfortable as herself, like she wishes Red would? Hope I do. Maybe I let her give to me, like she would give to Willow?
Maybe I just let her talk, like she lets me.
Bugger it. I just like being with her.
---
Willow calls. She wants to see me. She wants to talk. I feel sick. I don't want to do this, but I do. So much.
I need to talk to Spike.
"Hullo love," he says, surprised that I am here, in his crypt, in the middle of the day. He's been watching television. He quirks an eyebrow at me. Then obviously decides to cover his surprise with some lewd behaviour. He smirks.
"Just couldn't wait 'til tonight then?"
---
"Spike," she says in her best stern voice. It's then that, blind pillock that I am, I notice her strained expression.
"Here, love, what's wrong?" I say going to her.
And she starts telling me bout Willow calling. And as she does, she's wiping her face, wiping away tears. I don't know what to do. I'm not good with tears. When Dru started crying I just had to distract her and she was right again. Have got a bit of practice since that night I tried my best to comfort the Slayer instead of kill her though. So I do what I did when Dawn started crying after Buffy died. I stroked Tara's hair back from her face. "S'alright, love, it's all right," I murmur, wiping the tears from her cheeks with my thumbs. But she starts sobbing for real now. That did a fat lot of good then.
---
And as Spike starts trying to comfort me I find myself crying more. Suddenly, I let it go, all the hurt inside me. I let it go. The tears run down my cheeks and I see Spike's worried face, and then he puts his arms around me awkwardly, and holds me to him too tightly. And I just hold onto him and let go. I can hear him whispering as he strokes my hair.
"Shh pet, don't cry, I've got you, hush love, don't cry, I'm here," an endless litany of reassurance. Finally my sobs cease. I sniff and hide my face in his shoulder, his hard chest. It's like holding, I don't know, not a statue, but almost. A statue that can move and touch and kiss my ear. His arms aren't wrapped around me so tightly now, he's running his hands over my back in slow circles.
I wipe my face with my hand. I need a tissue. I sniff loudly and I feel the statue-chest rumble with a chuckle.
"Sorry love, don't have any tissues." He lets go of me briefly and then hands me a crumpled black t-shirt.
"Blow on that."
"Thanks," I mumble, embarrassed. It would be more embarrassing not to wipe my face and nose I suppose.
"Better?" he asks.
---
She nods and smiles at me tremulously. I pull her with me to my couch and we sit down, she rests her head on my lap and curls her body into the space left. We sit there for a while, just watching nothing on tele. Then she says.
"I think I'll go and see her."
"I think you should. You need to talk to her. Tell her how you feel."
"Do you think she'll listen?"
"If she wants you back she will."
And I ignore the pain in my chest, in my stomach. Because once Tara gets Willow back, she won't need a broken vampire hanging about anymore.
Willow is what she wants.
---
I think I must fall asleep, because I open my eyes and it's dark all of a sudden. The only light comes from the muted television. I'm still lying on Spike's couch, and my head is still in Spike's lap. I feel his hand kneading into my back. And…he's purring. A definite purr sound is coming from Spike's chest. I sit up blearily.
"Hmm, big pussy cat," I say.
He looks at me, curious, but the purring continues.
"You're all…rumbly, purry."
He smiles. "Guess I am," he says.
"It's nice," I say and lie back down. He shifts a bit, and I am moved onto his thigh. I roll onto my back and put my legs over the side of the couch. "I lost custody of Miss Kitty Fantastico," I tell him.
He chuckles.
"Thought I saw that damn cat underfoot at the Slayer's house still."
He keeps purring and I resist the urge to rub him behind the ears.
He shifts a bit more. And then I notice why.
Oh.
A very inappropriate thought strikes me.
---
"Tara?" I ask. She's undoing my fly. "Uh pet?"
She looks at me and…her eyes; she knows what she's doing. Ok. Fair enough. I sit back and try not to come immediately.
---
I gently slide his foreskin back and run my thumb over the top of Spike's penis, through the clear bead of liquid that forms at the tip. I wonder….I take a lick. Spike jerks in my grasp and swears softly. Hmmm. I take another lick. It tastes salty. I run my tongue around the tip. Spike groans. I lick a bit more, then run my tongue down his shaft, then back, sometimes using the whole of my tongue, sometimes just the very end. I return to licking the tip and start sliding my hand up and down the shaft.
---
Glad I don't have to bloody breathe. Bloody hell that girl can lick. She puts her lips on the head of my cock now and just starts…kissing it… Have to stop myself from pumping up into that warm mouth. Then she slides just the head of my dick into her mouth.
"Bloody hell, Tara," I groan.
---
Suddenly he stiffens.
"Love, pet, stop, hop up," he says.
I sit up, startled. And he pumps himself hard and comes over his stomach.
"Oh god, oh fuck," he sighs, sinking back into the seat. He looks at me and raises an eyebrow. "That, love, was bloody brilliant."
"Um, w-why did you make me stop?" I think I know but I need to ask.
He looks surprised for a moment, then looks away, embarrassed. "Didn't want to get you all messy," he mumbles.
"Thank you," I say, touched.
He glances up at me, then smirks.
"Let me get cleaned up. Then you, Miss MacClay, are gonna have your turn."
He stands and pulls his dirty t-shirt up over his head and then wipes his stomach with it. I've never seen his chest before. He's so muscular. And so pale. Alabaster. Again I'm reminded of a statue. A Grecian or Roman statue, pale and perfect. And his nakedness is so unconscious. He sees me looking at him and I blush and look away.
He throws the shirt in the corner. He looks around.
"Back in a tick," he says and disappears down the ladder into the other part of his crypt.
---
I pull on a clean shirt and head back up the ladder. Somehow I don't feel right playing our game half-naked. Don't think Tara'd appreciate it somehow. Wouldn't add to her pleasure. Funny, never one to be shy, but I'll spare her having to look on a male body. Saw her looking at me. Same way she looked at me bits, the first time she saw them, curious but also…bit put off.
She's curled up on my lounge watching the television when I step up into the crypt. She looks up and smiles. It's that smile that makes it all right. I walk over to her and she sits up. I kneel down in front of her and push her skirt up slowly. Letting it expose her legs, inch by lovely inch. She lets out a little laugh and sinks back into the couch. I run my hands up along her thighs, up, then down on the inside. I ease her knickers down, then off. Then I pull her hips towards me and I start making soft, bitey kisses up the insides of her thighs. Her breathing is soft.
---
I watch as platinum blonde dips between my legs. Feel his tongue flicker over me, then start working wonderous patterns. Arousing me, teasing me, building a hot fire inside my belly that builds and builds until…
But then suddenly he stops and sits up.
"Someone's coming pet," he says, wiping his face. He listens. "It's Buffy." He looks at me, and for a second the trepidation and excitement and want he tries to hide is laid bare. Just as quickly it's gone and his face is a mask of indifference.
"Oh, that's, that's good," I say.
"Here." He hands me my panties and I pull them on and straighten my skirt, sitting back down. My legs are shaking, I was so close. He winks at me.
"Sorry pet, I'll finish soon."
I blush. "It's…um, ok," I shrug. But it's not. I'm throbbing. And he'll want to talk to Buffy. Spike is looking almost nervous suddenly.
"I…I should go-"
He shakes his head. "Not alone, I'll walk you home." He frowns. "You can wait downstairs if you want. Don't have to let her know you're here." He sits down beside me.
I frown. Why- Then I realise.
"I- I don't mind-"
The pleased look on his face makes my heart break.
---
The door opens before I can ask Tara if she's sure.
"Spike?" Buffy. Just her voice alone twists my insides up. So many nights she came here, after she came back. Came here and talked to me, like I was a man. Her confidant, friend. Know now what it was, she could tell me, cause I wasn't one of them. Didn't matter if I knew. How she treats me now, hurts all the more though, for how she treated me then - like her friend, like her equal.
"Yeah, Slayer, I'm over here," I say without turning around. It's odd; for once, I almost just wish she hadn't shown up. Funny after all those nights, sitting here, imagining she did just this. And now…Now I just want peace and calm and quiet and gentleness with Tara. Buffy makes the dead blood in my veins boil. Fierce passion. Want. Burning, smothering desire. It provokes the demon part of me. The part that wants to throw her over the crypt right this minute and give her a good shagging.
"Hey," she says.
I stand up. "Hey," I say. She looks edible as usual. Jeans, bright tight shirt. Gorgeous hair, darker now, like shadows in the middle of the day.
Tara stands. "Buffy, hi," she says shyly.
"Tara?"
"Tara was just visiting," I say, daring Buffy to react.
"I...I have to go now, anyway," Tara says and I feel bad, cause she looks uncomfortable.
"Yeah, and I have to walk her home," I say. Buffy's frowning and looking at me suspiciously. I can see an 'evil, disgustin' demon' lecture coming on.
"No!" Buffy says. "I'll walk her home." She looks at Tara. "I'll walk you home."
"So that all you drop by for, make sure I wasn't up to anything I shouldn't be?" I ask.
Buffy colours a little. I sense her heart race. She avoids my eyes.
"No, I - I just came to, um, talk to you. And I can do that after I walk Tara home."
I shrug, though my stomach is in knots. Not going to show Buffy that though. I know her now. I know she wants more. Wants more, hates wanting it. Doesn't want to want me. She's trying not to give in. An' she hasn't, not yet. Her disgust must really outweigh her want. But I've tasted her. I spent one night with her, knowing her, giving her what she wanted. She can pretend all she wants that she doesn't crave it, but she does. That's why we're not friends anymore. That's why she twists words in me like a knife. That's why she runs away.
"Yeah, whatever Buffy, just don't take too long, 've got things to do, you know."
Tara squeezes my hand as she walks past me, following Buffy out of the crypt. She gives me a look that says, be good. I give her a half grin.
"Tomorrow, pet?" I murmur and she nods.
Then I'm left to wait for Buffy to return.
---
"So, you and Spike are like - friends?" Buffy asks as we walk back through the cemetery.
I nod. "I got to know him when…" I stop, awkward.
"When I was dead?"
I nod. "And lately…we've just been talking."
"Oh."
We walk in silence. Thoughts race through my mind. I want to talk about Spike more, try and convince Buffy how nice he is. Get her to see him the way I do now. I'm sure if she stopped fighting him, let him love her, he would be as nice. He would lose the armour he wears when she's around. I think about Spike's expression as Buffy entered the crypt, the hope and wanting that flickered across his face. He loves her so much. It's been nice having him, letting him satisfy me, comforting each other, but I know Buffy is the one he wants to be with.
"Have you spoken to Willow lately?" Buffy asks suddenly.
I nod. Oh. Willow. The sick feeling returns. "Today. She wants to meet…and talk."
"She's trying really hard," Buffy says. "She's gone to an addictions meeting - and like that's pretty much cured because half the problem is admitting you've got one right?"
"She's ok?" I ask. I hope she's ok. Part of me wants to run to her and hold her and keep her safe, but I can't do that because then I'll be protecting her forever.
"She's ok. It's hard. That Rack guy really did a number on her, but she's strong, she's fighting it."
I nod, saying nothing. I felt like dying when I heard what had happened. What Willow had become involved in. I threw up. Buffy continues.
"She's really missing you Tara. I know she's really sorry. She's trying to make things up to Dawn too. But it's you she's really upset about."
"I miss her too. But I can't- Buffy, while she's still obsessed with magic - I can't ever trust her."
"Hey, I completely understand. No one blames you at all. Willow got totally out of control. I mean, with what happened to Dawn? And that whole memory thing was - ok, just wiggy. And dangerous. Did you know Giles kissed Anya?"
I look at her surprised. "Really?"
Buffy shrugs. "Well they did think they were engaged."
We both giggle.
"Seriously, Tara, she really wants to try to make it up to you. I think she wants to at least be your friend again." The thought fills me with joy. To be Will's friend again. But then my stomach twists, as recent memories come attached.
"I'll talk to her. I'll call her when I get home," I say and the sick feeling gets worse.
"Good," says Buffy.
We walk in silence for a while longer.
"Spike told me about you and him," I say.
Buffy stops. Horror on her face.
"He told you?! About him and me and, and the…"
"Sex," I supply, trying to keep a straight face.
"Typical! Argh! I can't believe him, boasting about it. Actually no, I totally believe it."
"No, no, it wasn't like that. He was really upset, he just wanted to talk to someone about it."
"He was upset?"
I nod and look at her apologetically. "He told me what you said."
Buffy thinks about this. "Did he also happen to tell you what he said?"
I nod. "Buffy, I know you were scared about what you two did, I understand. But Spike really loves you. He thought that after that night things would be different between you, better. But it wasn't."
Buffy's quiet.
"I was kind of harsh," she admits. "But you should have seen him, all smug and…glowy…and satisfied…Ok, so the sex was great. But wrong. Very wrong."
"I just think you should give him a chance. That's all. He can be so different, so sweet, if you let him."
"When I first came back," Buffy says in a soft voice. "He was really sweet, really nice. I couldn't bear it sometimes, how lovingly he looked at me."
I don't say anything.
"It's so wrong though. He's a vampire. He's evil Tara."
I sigh. How can I explain that I don't believe he is anymore? No more evil than any of us.
"He was upset?"
I nod, and Buffy looks thoughtful.
And I suddenly feel strangely sad. I know I should be happy, that Buffy's going to give him a chance, it's what he wants. I crush down the tiny wish that he might come to visit later. It must be frustration. I haven't felt unsatisfied since Spike started pleasuring me. I miss Willow but not because I miss sex. I miss holding her. I know I miss her scent. I found her sweater the other day and I could smell her perfume on it still. I miss her smile.
I'll call her tonight, arrange to meet tomorrow.
---
It's much later when I hear my door open again. I'm pretending to be watching whatever's on TV.
"Hey," she says, standing in front of me. She nibbles her lip.