Soft
Chapter Six
My stomach feels like it has wasps more than butterflies as I wait at the cinema for Willow on Friday night. I'm tempted to just leave. But then Willow walks around the corner.
"Hi," she says.
"Hi," I say. The nervousness radiating off both of us is palpable.
"Um, so um what movie do you want to see?" Willow asks.
It's not easy watching a movie next to her, being reminded of when we used to go to the cinema before. How we'd hold hands and whisper and giggle. And we can't now. Instead we have awkwardness and nervousness and uncomfortable sick feelings. And its not because I want to touch Willow, which is what I should be feeling - wanting to hold her hand. I think I'm more afraid that she will touch me, and of what I will do in response, what I *should* do in response. We feel like strangers again.
The movie is good, clever but serious, and I find myself wondering what Spike would say about it. And I suddenly wish I was with him instead. At the moment, that is the safest option, but in the long run, it's not.
It's madness and scary to think of Spike as being more than a temporary comfort, and something I only do in my wildest dreams. Having a relationship with Spike, even if he wanted it, is so bizarre, so unreal when I think about it - turning everything upside down, sideways. It would be so much simpler and easier to be back with Willow. Willow would be normal. Everything would be back to normal. But.if only I could stop worrying about her magic addiction and stop feeling uncomfortable and start trusting her - know her again. Things could be normal. I glance at Willow, she's watching the movie, a soft look on her face, relaxed for a moment and I'm taken back to over a year ago when things were good. When I loved her without so many complications.
We discuss the movie when it's over, which gives us something to talk about. And then, after a while, we stop for coffee because it seems that we still have a lot to talk about, and then I walk Willow to the bus stop. And as we get to the awkward saying goodbye part, I find myself asking if she wants to do this again. Willow smiles, that bright Willow smile I haven't seen for so long and I smile too. And for a moment I wonder why we're not both going back home together.
"I'd better go," Willow says glancing at the line of people getting onto the bus.
I nod.
"I'll call you?" she says, more of a question than a statement.
I smile. "And, and I'll see you at the wedding next week."
And then we hug, and as I pull back, I find myself looking into Willow's eyes. This seems so familiar. So right. I lean forward and touch my lips to hers. There's so much safety and so much surrender all at once as we kiss. Something burns in the pit of my stomach. And I realize I haven't been feeling the wasps for a while. It only lasts a few seconds, then we both pull back simultaneously.
"Bye," says Willow.
"Bye," I say.
I watch her get on the bus and glance back at me. When I'm sure she's not looking and I'm half way back to my dorm, I touch my fingers to my lips. And I remember this kiss and another I've had recently.
---
If I happened to find myself by Tara's late-ish on Friday night, it had nothing to do with wondering how her date went with Red. Just happened to be in the neighborhood, doing some business. Just happened to be there, and noticed her light was on, so I dropped by to see if she was home, if she wanted some company.
She buzzes me up, and she doesn't sound sleepy, sounds happy in fact. Obviously Red ain't there, so it's not like I'm intruding, wouldn't have bothered me mind, if she had had the witch back to her room. She belongs with Willow, and though we don't want this to end, we'll have to stop playing at being what we ain't sooner or later. Glinda's been in my head a lot lately, more than I'd like. More than Buffy. Maybe because it's more pleasant thinking about Tara. There's no bitter aftertaste to the happy parts of thoughts. No nasty undertone. I'm a demon, yeah, but it's others we 're supposed to like inflicting pain and suffering on, not ourselves.
I climb the stairs slowly. Don't know whether I want to hear how happy she is with Willow.
She lets me in and I notice the light in her face immediately. She wears her happiness like a gown. My dark princess used to glow sometimes with a demonic fire whenever she'd had a lovely time, and I'm reminded of that, though Tara's light is so painful it hurts.
"It went well then love?" I ask, though my guts are twisting, I can't not be happy that she's this happy. It's the light. She smiles.
"It went well. We had a good time."
I don't want to hear anymore but I'm trapped in Tara's light and I have to listen.
---
I tell Spike about my date with Willow. He seems happy for me. He doesn't ask if we were getting back together. The date went so well, which makes things so confusing. If the date had been bad, if Willow had been defensive, or we'd had an argument about her magic.if we hadn't kissed.then it would have been easier. Because the part of my heart that wants to continue this thing with Spike can't be reconciled with how happy having a nice time with Willow made me. I felt so happy that things were starting to be good again, but seeing Spike I suddenly don't know what to do.
I need to.maybe forget for a while that I have to make this decision.
"Spike," I say, finally.
"Yes love?"
I glance down suggestively.
He looks at me questioningly for a moment and then he's on his knees in front of me.
I know I said I'd stop this as soon as it looked like Willow and I would be getting back together again. But I'm not certain yet, and even when being with Willow seemed like such a natural progression, I'm not ready to do it yet - to trust her.
---
I don't ask her about Willow. I take her request for pleasure as a sign that she hasn't decided she wants to go back to Red yet. Fine by me.
As the evening progresses I get the feeling that this might be the last time. Tara does all the things she's ever done or let me do. As I lick the last of her sweet blood from her fingers and lie sated beside her on her bed, I try to memorise this exact moment. She's silent for a while, just running her hand over my side, her giggles and her glorious laughter grown silent. I watch her profile as she lies looking up at the ceiling. I curl her fingers into a ball and close my hand around it and she rewards me with a smile. I reach out and gently stroke her hair. Beautiful hair. Long and golden. Didn't want to think of Buffy. I push the thought aside.
"I want to show you something," she says suddenly and sits up.
"What's that love?"
She goes to her wardrobe and pulls out a long red dress covered in black lace.
"It's for the wedding."
---
I watch as, with a complete lack of self-consciousness, she pushes off the last of her clothing. She steps from her skirt and pulls her shirt up over her head. It's the first time I've seen her fully naked. She's beautiful. Her soft curves and generous bosom and her round bottom. No hardness, no sharpness, she is love personified. Venus made flesh. And the steel inside her is more impressive than a thousand muscles and sculpted stomachs. She turns away from me slightly as she slips on the dress. Her movements have a grace that make me ache, that remind me of memories and movements so long forgotten, and a peace and sunlight I never thought I'd see again. The dress is beautiful, it shows off her figure in a tasteful, almost chaste, Tara kind of way. But still, I can't help but think she is more lovely without it. She turns around and looks down at herself.
"Um, so, what, what do you think?" She blushes.
"You're lovely," I say and then have to swallow because
I've got a lump in my throat or something.
She blushes and smiles and I find myself standing and walking to her.
---
Spike cups my face in his hands and I look into eyes that are so blue and hold something so.lovely, so flattering, that I can't speak. He leans forward and then we kiss, softly at first, just nuzzling as we always do, but this deepens until I feel like I'm drowning and I get feelings I've only ever had with Willow before, feelings that I've been glimpsing with Spike and now I know.
I pull back, gasping.
He nods once, and removes his hand from my face.
"Remember you're lovely," he says.
And I watch as he buttons his jeans and grabs his coat and leaves.
---
I only see Buffy once before the wedding. She comes round to tell me to mind my manners and not cause any scenes. Yeah I get the staking threat. We both know it means nothing though. She stands there then, as if she's waiting. And it's odd, because for once I don't bother making suggestive comments, don't bother trying to rile her or even seduce her. I just sit there and watch her. She looks tired, tired and unhappy. She gets edgy. But I still do nothing. I don't know why, but I don't want to do anything. I just want this unsettling gnaw that starts inside me whenever she's near to go away. She pauses for a moment more, then must decide that sex isn't going to be happening tonight unless she makes the first move. And then must decide that she's not going to do that. She looks suddenly relieved. And also oddly, that doesn't offend me. It does make the gnawing stop a little though.
"So Spike, have you got the happy couple a wedding present yet?" she asks, and she seems almost pleasant suddenly. Like now she's willing to make conversation.
I shake my head, no. "What do you get a thousand year old vengeance demon who makes more money than both of us would see in a year?" I ask.
Buffy sighs. "Tell me about it. I know this sounds really bad, but this wedding is turning out to be really expensive. I mean, I have to buy the bridesmaid dress and shoes, and then there's the present, not to mention clothes for Dawn."
She sits down then and before I think about it, I put my arm around her.
"Here now, don't get yourself into debt cause of it, love, just tell 'em you can't afford it. Harris would understand leastways. Both of 'em know you ain't got much of the ready."
Buffy sighs and gives me a rueful smile, a smile that laughs at herself and shares the joke with me. And I feel good. I'm reminded suddenly of the close times we had before - when she first came back.
And I feel even better when she's wakes next to me a couple of hours later, still clothed, and she smiles and snuggles down next to me again.