Soft
Chapter Seven
I see Tara sitting next to Giles and Dawn two pews down from the front. I slide in next to her. Harris and Anya are holding their wedding in a conference centre. Apparently enough of her side have an aversion to holy iconography to warrant a non-church wedding. Which I'm not complaining about, mind. Last time I was in a church...think Buffy dropped an organ on me.
I give the Nibblet a wink and she smiles at me, and the Watcher graces me with a nod. But Tara quietly slips her hand in mine.
"Having fun yet pet?" I murmur. She looks lovely but not as good as the first time I saw her with that dress on.
"You wore a suit," she says, a look of wicked amusement playing around her eyes. I don't dignify that with a comment, but I do raise an eyebrow and give her my best lascivious look. "You're fairly dressed up yourself love," I say, taking in the makeup and the way she's done her hair. She blushes but that wicked look doesn't disappear.
"Have you seen Anya's friends?" she asks in a low voice. I look over to the other side of the congregation. The guests look normal enough, human, all that, unless you happen to be say, a Witch or a Vampire.
"Nice glamours," I murmur. I nod my head at Rupert. "The Watcher know?"
"I think he knows they're coming. I just don't think he can see them," Tara whispers.
I smirk. "Which means he won't know he's meeting a demon til they're introduced."
"I *can* hear you, you know," Giles mutters. "And yes, I am well aware that Anya has invited creatures from hell to her wedding."
Tara turns bright pink but I lean back in the pew and smirk at the Watcher. He returns my look steadily. Yeah, we got an understanding now, me and Rupes.
---
The wedding was beautiful. Xander was nervous and so was Anya. I don't think I've ever seen Anya nervous, but she was today. Nervous and radiant. They love each other so much, despite their differences. I watch Willow talking with the other members of the wedding party. She's Xander's Best Person, and Buffy's the bridesmaid. The real Scooby gang, Xander, Willow and Buffy. And now Anya's there, somehow accepted into the mix. I think about my date with Willow and how I could be back there too now. How things could just go back...except they can't. I look over at Spike, he's sitting opposite me at the table. He glances over at Willow then winks at me. I smile, then the MC announces the bride and groom's first dance. Xander and Anya walk onto the dance floor and a Celine Dion song begins. They move together beautifully, so much in love. They seem perfectly happy. Then Buffy and Willow follow them onto the dance floor. Their dance is a little more...modern, and a lot less close. Then Xander's parents and two of the demons get up.
I glance back at Spike and wonder if I should ask him to dance. He's watching the dancing too, and as I turn back to him, he raises his eyebrow questioningly then starts to get up.
"Tara?" I turn around and see Willow standing there.
"Do, do you want to dance?"
I smile. Then remember Spike, I turn to him and he just smirks and shrugs. I blush and tell Willow, yes.
---
I watch Red take Tara out to the dance floor. Watch their nervous first movements together. Watch as they start to move together, closer. Watch as Tara smiles, then laughs and I can still hear her laughing that same laugh for me. I need another drink.
I see the Slayer then, talking to one of Harris's work pals. Ought to go ask Buffy for a dance, I s'pose. But I don't. Not that I don't want to…it's just things have been so good between us in the last few days, don't want to see the look of disgust or shame that's going to come when I do. So I don't and I have myself another drink. And I watch Buffy walk onto the dance floor with Work Pal and I see Tara and Willow lean in close together.
"Hey Spike?"
I look up and see the Nibblet.
"Yeah Bit, what is it?"
"Aren't you going ask me to dance?"
So I do.
---
I see Spike over Willow's shoulder, leading Dawn out to the dance floor. I'm surprised when he takes her hands and starts dancing with her in a very old fashioned way, slow and graceful. He leads Dawn through such complicated moves. Suddenly I recognize the discontent inside me for what it is, jealousy. I bite back the feeling, remembering that I'm with Willow.
"Spike's good isn't he?" Willow says then, and I realize she must have noticed my preoccupation.
And I know the right answer and I say the right answer, but I hate myself for lying.
"I prefer dancing with you."
And I turn away from Spike and concentrate on Willow.
---
When the bloody awful song stops, I lead Dawn back to her seat.
"God, Spike that was so much fun. Where did you learn to dance like that? No wait, don't tell me, hundred and thirty years of being dead."
I smirk. "If you must know. I learnt it at school. Something they taught young chaps in my day."
It makes her laugh and she tells me to stop it and that I sound like Giles.
"Spike!" the word is hissed and I feel a dead, heavy feeling in my guts as I look up and see the owner of the voice.
"Slayer?"
"Can I have a word please?" And she drags me off over to a crepe decorated wall. I wait for her to speak.
"You.you dance well." It's a stiffly given compliment.
"Ta love. You're not so bad yourself, if I recall."
She tries hard not to blush and gets straight to the point.
"Can you please not encourage Dawn?"
I frown.
"What are you trying to say Buffy?"
"Nothing. Forget it. Just, I don't want Dawn thinking there's more than there is."
I look at her curiously.
"You saying the Nibblet's got a crush on me?"
Buffy glares at me.
"Yes. That's what I'm saying."
I chuckle.
"Well least someone does."
"Spike!" That hiss again. "Look just, don't pay attention to her, please?"
I nod.
"Right. So, no babysitting, no rescuing, no looking after whilst Big Sis battles Hell Gods, then?"
"You know what I mean."
I sigh.
"Yeah I do." I look around, not sure why I want to get away from the woman I love. Something about the earlier part of this conversation has destroyed all the comfortable relationship we'd developed again in the past few days.
"Having a nice party then pet?"
She looks down, about as uncomfortable looking as I feel. Wonder if it's because we're in public. In the light. Where it's not ok to not hate me.
"It's good. You?"
"Yeah, all right." I consider her, and decide to go for it.
"How about a dance later then love?" I remember other less platonic dances we've had as she tilts her pretty face up towards me. My voice lowers with the thought. "You know I'll make it good for you."
Another blush, and Buffy looks away, and I know it's all down hill from here. Sex and us don't make for friendship.
"Maybe," she says.
"Right, yeah. Well you'd better get back to your dance partner over there. He's looking a bit lost. I'll just go take myself off to a corner where my very presence won't cause any harm."
"Spike- I didn't mean that."
But I almost don't hear her, because at that moment I catch sight of Tara and I see her put her arms around Red's waist and rest her head on her shoulder.
"Yes, you did. Now let me get drunk in peace."
---
As the music stops, after the third song, Willow and I draw apart. We smile shyly at each other.
"So um, I'd better - you know, go back over to the bridal party. Speeches and everything."
I nod. "Yeah, I'd better sit down too - Mr. Giles is looking lonely."
Willow smiles, and I smile. And suddenly I remember our kiss. I can't believe I had forgotten about that. It bothers me that I had.
"So...bye!" says Willow with her nervous, bright, Willow voice. She's starting to be herself again.
"Bye!" I say, with a pretend wave.
"Oh! I didn't mean that as a, that's it for tonight bye. I'll come back in a little while. I'd just better be polite-"
I nod. I know.
I walk back to my table and I notice Spike isn't there. I see Dawn laughing with some girls her own age by the buffet table. Mr. Giles gives me a polite smile as I sit down.
"So, you, uh, had a nice dance then?" he asks politely.
I nod.
"Where's Spike?" I ask.
Mr. Giles looks around.
"Uh, I don't really know. Buffy dragged him off somewhere."
"Oh. She, um, did he do something?"
And why does the idea of Spike and Buffy having a…moment…together bother me? I've been dancing with Willow all evening.
"Oh, probably not. Spike's become something of a scapegoat for all of Buffy's troubles of late. Oh, there she is now, over talking to the happy couple."
Spike isn't with her and I can't see him around. I hope he hasn't left. I hope he…I hope things didn't go badly for him with Buffy. I do hope that. I do.
---
Harris's Uncle Rory is a good bloke. We sit at the bar together and get nice and pissed. And I don't look around to see what any...particular people are bloody doing, cause it's their own bloody business and they can just fuck off.
"Don't you think you've had enough to drink?"
"Sod off Rupert."
"Your liver I suppose, but think of the example you're setting to the children."
"The children can go get addicted to crack cocaine and die of syphilis for all I care."
"Charming Spike. It's just as well I know you don't really mean that."
"Yeah well, why don't you have a drink Watcher, makes this party a hell of a lot more fun. Ain't that right Rory?"
Rory holds up his drink in acknowledgement.
"Sides, there's lots of demons here tonight. Might just get myself drunk enough to start a fight."
"You might get your ass kicked is what might happen."
I smirk.
"You know I'm a fucking hell of a lot older than you boy," I say to him. "So you can drop the Dad routine and get yourself a scotch on the rocks or whatever it is you drink."
"Bourbon, neat," he says.
---
Willow is sitting with me and we are drinking some punch with rather dubious alcohol content. It's late. I rest my head on my folded arms and smile. This is nice, and I am less nervous. We're just talking about the wedding, about little things that have happened to us recently. Suddenly Willow asks.
"Can we please just get back together now? I mean, I know there are issues, but, but, things are good aren't they? And you like me still and I know I still love you."
Oh no.
I sit up. I'm not ready for this discussion. Not yet.
"Willow-"
She sighs. "I know, I know, you're not ready yet."
"I just-" I bite my lip and look down.
"I mean we kissed and there were tingles, definite tingles…you felt tingles?"
I blush.
"There….there were tingles...but that doesn't mean- I mean Willow, you still aren't better yet-"
"But I will be soon and why can't you be with me until I am? It's not like you even use magic." She looks away frustrated. "God, Tara, it's like you're scared of it or something. Is it the whole demon thing? Because it's not bad-"
"I know, but it *can* be bad, you know that better than anyone. And, and I thought you'd want to be away from the temptation to use magic of any kind."
"I'm not going to never use magic again. I will, when I'm better, when I'm over...over the dark, icky kind. But I will get better and I'll be able to use it again, safely. I want you to use it with me."
I look away.
"If you can't do without magic then you shouldn't use it." I say quietly.
"I can do without it. I haven't done anything since, since the accident. I *can* do without it. I'm just saying that in the future I'll be able to use it if I need to, for good reasons."
I flush at her angry and defensive tone. I can't deal with this. I know I'm being selfish, I should be here, helping her, but if everything I say and believe is wrong. I stand up.
"I...I've got to go-"
Willow stands quickly.
"You're going? Why? Tara, don't, wait. I didn't mean- You're punishing me because of that? How can you treat me like this? You know I love you-"
"Willow! No. It's not- I'm not punishing you. I just, it's just *this*" I gesture broadly, indicating the situation. "I don't want to argue with you about magic, I don't have to-"
I turn to go, but Willow grabs my arm.
"I suggest you let her go, Red."
I look up and see Spike standing there…swaying slightly.
"Spike! This is none of your business," snaps Willow.
"She don't look happy Red, an' I care about her, so I'd say it is my business."
Willow grits her teeth and something…wrong…flashes in her eyes.
"I *said* *back* *off* *Spike*." Willow's voice is almost a growl. It scares me. And I realize that it's not for myself, it's for Spike.
"Spike," I say, laying my hand on his arm. "It's ok. I'm ok. Really." I need him to go. Now.
Spike raises an eyebrow and looks from me to Red.
"Sure pet?"
---
She tells me yes, but I see nervousness on her face, smell fear, hear her heart racing too fast. It makes me want to...do damage.
"Please, Spike, it's ok. Hey, can you go check on Dawn for me?" I hear the emphasis, hear her trying to tell me some…thing, bloody hell, it's me! She's worried bout me! I look at Red, then back at Tara, and back to Red and I see why Tara's so worried. Red's fairly losing it. Something dark crackles across her eyes.
"Love, how about you go check on Dawn," I say.
"Dawn is fine," hisses Red. "But I think *you* should go somewhere else Spike."
I look at Tara. She saw the darkness too and she's trembling now. Bloody hell. Know I'm making Red worse. Know I'm not helping the situation, but I'm not going to leave her here. I look at Tara once more and her eyes plead with me. An' I give in.
I nod.
"I'll be at the bar," I say.
And I walk away. I walk away and leave Tara. Knowing how scared she is of Willow's dark side and everything. I walk away. And I fucking hate that I do. And I fucking hate that I can't pick her up and carry her off and sod Red and her delicate Wiccan fucked up sensibilities.
And...just bloody hell!
I need a drink.
---
I watch Spike walk away, grateful for his support, and grateful and relieved too that he understood and left.
"I should go," I whisper.
Willow's eyes fill with tears.
"Baby...please, you…you're scared of me?"
I swallow.
"I, I don't think this is going to work...I remember now why I left in the first place-"
"But I wouldn't - I wasn't going to use magic. You know that-"
I nod sadly. I know Willow didn't use magic. I know she is trying. I know, I know, I know.
"But I don't want to be the reason for you to use it. I saw…how hard it was for you to…not use it, just now."
Willow shakes her head. "It was just Spike, being a buttinski. I was just...annoyed with him. It's none of his business." She frowns and says mockingly, "Someone he cares about? Since when does Spike-" I involuntarily glance towards the retreating figure and I realise my mistake as suddenly Willow's eyes widen. Her words trail off. "Care.about.you.he said it *is* his business…you and Spike? What did he do to you? He did something to you- I'll kill him."
And then the darkness fills her eyes.
---
"Willow NO!"
I hear Tara's scream before it hits me. Electricity. Pouring through my body, throwing me to the floor, making me bite my tongue and spasm and spasm and oh fucking bloody helllllll..
And then it stops.
And I feel wetness on my face.
And I feel hands on my body.
And I feel something light inside me.
Something soft.
Something healing.
I focus. And Tara is leaning over me, tears running down her facing, falling on me.
Think this is the closest I'm ever going to get to an angel.
"Love," I say and it's a statement rather than a greeting.
"Yes," she says. And it's an affirmation rather than a response.
I sit up. Painful. Bloody painful. She touches my face and then stands and helps me to my feet.
All I can look at is her face. Pure, angelic, Tara.
And her looking up at me like that. Like…how I want her to look at me. Always.
And we leave.
---
I feel everyone's eyes on us as I help Spike walk out of the reception hall, but I don't care. Don't care because he is more important than any of them. And I've just realized it.
We only make it outside the door before Spike sags and slumps against the wall. He chuckles weakly.
"Worse than the chip going off that was."
"I'm sorry."
"Not your fault. Red then?"
I nod.
"I'm sorry," I say again.
He looks at me carefully then, and it's a look that makes me turn to jelly.
"Her loss."
"Yes," I say. "It is."
And then he's standing and I'm moving towards him, and his arms are around my waist and he's pulling me to him, and we're kissing. We're kissing.
And there's more than tingles.