Fallen Angels

By Kristi

Absence of Fear

@--Angel--@

I come down from my room. Cordy is at her desk flipping through the latest fashion magazine. Wes is in his office.

“Morning, Cordy.”

She glances up at me. “Morning.”

I rest my hands on the curved desk. Cordy is still angry at me because of all the time I have been spending with Buffy. I would like to resolve things with her. She’s my seer and I’m going to have to work with her.

“So, how are you?” I ask.

Cordelia gives me the eye over her copy of Vogue. “I’m just peachy. You?”

I smile. “I’m good.”

“The smiling thing is becoming a regular thing with you.” She remarks. She’s right. I can’t help but smile. Buffy and I are as close to living together as we will ever get. That’s another thing that Cordy is angry about. “Where did you learn how to smile anyway? Dorks R Us?”

So maybe the resolution won’t be forthcoming anytime soon. I pick up a banana from a bunch on the desk. Cordy gives me another evil look. “Those were mine. Wanna take two so you can encourage little Buffy to eat by eating one yourself?”

I’ve learned the best thing to do when Cordy gets like this is to just ignore her. I can hear Buffy’s music from the courtyard. I walk out and stand under the cover of the arbor. She is doing the tai chi I taught her. She has her CD player out there and the music is turned up loud. I have tried to explain to her that tai chi is meditative and should be done in quiet. She insists she meditates better with the music. It is soft and slow.

Inside my skin

There is this space

It twists and turns

It bleeds and aches

Inside my heart

There’s an empty room

It’s waiting for lightening

It’s waiting for you

The sun is shining down on her. She looks every bit the angel she is, almost glowing from within. She has gained some weight, although she could stand to gain a bit more. Her hair is once again shiny and healthy. She glances up and notices me watching and smiles. It is a real smile. It reaches all the way to her eyes and it is the same smile that I have dreamed about all these years. I am hit with the sudden realization that I let her go when I had just gotten her back and almost lost her again. When she came back from Heaven I should have swept her up and carried her back here and never ever let her go. I wonder how different things would have been for her, for us, if I had of done just that. I know from some of the things she has said, that seeing me when she returned was the last straw. She ran away not entirely because of me but I was the final blow.

I am wanting

And I am needing you

To be here

Inside the Absence of fear

Muscles and Sinew

Velvet and stone

This vessel is haunted

It creaks and it moans

She walks to me and takes my arm. Together we move into the first position of Tai chi. the world disappears and nothing but Buffy and me exists. She is singing very softly to me. Anyone else listening would say she can not sing. To me the words are beautiful.

My bones call to you

In a separate skin

I make myself translucent

To let you in

I am wanting and

I am needing you

To be here

Inside the absence of fear

There is the splendor of this

Secret inside of me

And it knows that you’re no stranger

You’re my gravity

My hands will adore you

Throughout all darkness, and they will

Lay you out in the moonlight

And vent your name

For I am wanting and

I am needing you

To be here

I need you near

Inside the absence of fear.

The song ends and Buffy settles back against my chest. I can feel her warmth seeping into me. She smells like vanilla and sunshine.

“Pretty song,” I comment more to keep her in my arms then anything.

She tilts her head back and smiles up at me. “It reminds me of you.”

It reminds me of her too, and how everything inside of me wants her. She tells me it by someone named Jewel. I remember the banana I brought for her and offer it to her. “Did you eat breakfast?”

She wrinkles her nose in that way that I find adorable and shakes her head.

“Eat, then if you’re up to it we’ll go downstairs and train. “

“Oh, goody. Do I get to tackle you?” She grins impishly at me. I can not help but chuckle.

“We’ll see. I don’t want to throw too much at you at once.” I have noticed her strength is coming back. I do not know what the future holds for her, or for us, but I know she is still a slayer and she will have to be able to defend herself. I know the day is coming when someone finds out she’s back. They will come for her, they always do. Everything evil wants a chance to topple the greatest slayer history has known.

*

*

*

@--Buffy--@

Angel and I have been training. I’m not up to full strength yet, but I’m getting there. It has been so long since I trained, or slayed, I thought I would forget everything but the slayer in me took over and it’s like breathing. I forgot how much a part of me loves this, especially when it’s not impending death and apocalypse.

Last night Angel took me to one of the LA cemeteries. We staked a couple of vamps and walked through the beautiful old tombstones hand in hand. I must be the only girl in the world that thinks there’s something romantic about a graveyard.

Willow has asked me to come to Sunnydale for dinner next week. She invited Angel of course. Willow has always been the most understanding of my friends when it comes to him. Xander and Dawn will be there. To say I’m terrified is an understatement.

*

Willow’s house is a very cute yellow A-frame. It looks like something she would pick. There are red geraniums growing in big clay pots on the porch. We are a little bit late for dinner because of Los Angeles traffic.

Angel kisses me, pulling at my lips, setting my entire body on fire, before he knocks. “I love you.” He says. It is his way of giving me courage before I go into battle.

“I love you too,” forever and always and beyond that. I know it’s redundant and sappy to say things like that to him every time I say I love you so I add it silently.

Willow answers the door even before Angel knocks. It’s nice to know she’s been watching for us. There is a very brief moment of awkwardness and then we hug and it seems to disappear.

“Buffy, Angel, I’m so glad you’re here. Come in, I’ll show you around.”

“Will, are you sure you want to start inviting bloodsuckers into our house?”

I tremble on the edge of tears. That was Xander, it could only be Xander. Angel squeezes my hand slightly.

“Nice to see you again, Xander.” Angel says.

“And if I could say the same about you, Dead Boy, I would but some how I just can’t.” Xander steps forward into the hallway. “Hey, Buffster.” I can hear the resentment and anger in his voice. Oh boy, this going to be a fun meal.

“So, where’s Dawn?” I ask, trying to change the subject.

“She’s at a friend’s. She’ll be home in just a few minutes.” Willow says.

I wonder if Dawn is trying to avoid me. I can’t say I blame her if she is. I tried to avoid me for two years. Willow takes us through the small house and into the living room. Everything is very cozy, warm and eclectic, just like Willow herself.

“Angel, will you help me set the table?” Willow asks. She wants to give Xander and I time alone and she knows things will go better if Angel isn’t in the room. I want to cling to Angel’s hand and beg him to take me out of here. I know I can’t. This is something I have to do if I ever want to get my life back. Angel kisses me softly and brushes a strand of my hair out of my eyes, both of us forgetting momentarily that there are other people in the room.

Xander hardly waits until Angel and Willow are out of the room before attacking. “So, you and Dead Boy are a thing again. Good to know he’s worth putting the world in peril.”

“That’s not fair, Xander.” God, how many times have we had this conversation?

Xander shrugs like he doesn’t much care if it’s fair or not. “He’s done nothing but hurt you, Buffy.”

“He saved me, Xander. He found me. How long did you look for me before moving on with your life? A couple of weeks? A month? Did you even ever leave Sunnydale?” I turned on him. He had no right to judge Angel, not after the things he and I had been through together the past few weeks.

He was flustered. “Giles looked for you, for months. He flew all over the country.”

“I know, but what did you, Xander Harris, do personally? Did you go get the donuts and crack some jokes?” His face fell. I regretted the words the moment they were out of my mouth. “I’m sorry, Xander, I didn’t mean that.”

“We all missed you, Buffy. When you died it was really bad. When we finally got you back from-from-when we finally got you back, we were all so happy. It was so good to have you back and you seemed to be making progress. Then you go to see him and it all fell apart again.” I didn’t have to ask who him was. “We don’t even know where you went for 2 years.”

“Xander, you don’t really want to know where I was. You don’t want to hear about the crack houses I lived in. The beatings I took from my so called boyfriend because after he beat me he’d feel bad and give me extra heroin. You don’t want to hear about the way I practically whored myself out to him for more drugs. You don’t want to hear about me shooting up between my toes so no one would know and then finally not giving a damn if everyone knew and shooting up in my arm because the veins there are easier to find. Angel saved me from all of that. He has been beside me day and night since he found me. I have thrown up on him. He has sat with me through withdrawals. He has held my hands so I didn’t claw my skin off my arms. Angel didn’t make anything fall apart. He put it all back together for me.”

Xander had grown very pale. He looked like he was going to faint or throw up, very possibly both. I didn’t care. I wanted him to know what Angel saved me from. I wanted him to know where I’d been and I wanted him to know that without Angel I would still be there, or worse. His voice was a mere croak when he finally spoke. “But you had started to make progress. You were smiling. You were coming back to us a little at a time.”

“The progress I was making was me pretending, just like I’ve been pretending since the day Angel left me. No one wanted to hear how much it hurt, how much I wanted to give in and let a vamp take me out one night. So I did the only thing I could, I plastered on a smile and said witty things. You thought I was coming back to you, I was really just building a façade, a mask, one little brick at a time. And everyone bought it because they didn’t want to see anything else. I was in Heaven, Xander. You rescued me from Heaven. What was I supposed to do? Pretend that it was alright that you’d brought me back to live in this world where people, not demons, people kill each other and torture each other? I couldn’t do it.” I saw the shock on his face. He looked like the breath had been knocked out of him. He buckled and almost fell. I caught him and we sat on the couch together. It was a long time before either of us spoke.

“Wow, so we really screwed up. We didn’t rescue you from Hell; we ripped your angel wings off and brought you back to Hell.” His voice was choked with tears unshed.

I shrugged. How else was I supposed to respond? “You didn’t know. I mean the logic made sense. I jumped into a portal to Hell. Besides, I didn’t have wings. I think you have to earn those.”

“Right, every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings.” He was trying to recover, to respond in his typical Xander way. It lacked the old punch and there was sorrow underneath it, but I appreciated that he tried. I’d had enough apologies and regrets to last two lifetimes. “I see why you were hurting, Buff, I understand it. I can only imagine how much it must have hurt, but why didn’t you tell us? Why didn’t you stay and let us deal with it together?”

“I couldn’t tell Willow what she’d done. She was happy, she was so proud of herself for rescuing me. Besides, no one ever asked where I was. Everyone was just overjoyed I had returned. I came back and I was expected to be grateful and return to life as normal, actually no, not life as normal, even for me. When I died I had one job, slayer. When I came back, I had to be so much more. I couldn’t be Mom, I couldn’t handle things the way she handled them. When I jumped through the portal I just wanted to rest. I wanted to lay down the slayer hat and let someone else pick it up. I had earned that. I couldn’t pick all that up again so I tried to lose myself.” I paused a moment. I could feel the tears prickling at the back of my throat. I didn’t want to face Dawnie with red eyes and a sniffley nose. “And I succeeded. When Angel found me, I didn’t even remember who Buffy was.” I didn’t tell him that I didn’t remember him, or Willow or even Dawn, the only person I did remember was Angel.

Xander didn’t say anything for a little while. “I still don’t like him, Buffy.”

I smiled at him. “You don’t have to, Xander. I love him. I tried not to. I tried to make him go away. I sent him to Hell and someone, God or the Powers, decided to send him back to me. He left me and I still loved him. I tried to replace him with Parker and Riley. There was no replacement. I hurt a very good man, because I couldn’t love Riley the way he deserved to be loved, because all the love I have in my heart belonged to Angel. I died and even that didn’t diminish the love I have for him. I’m tired of fighting something I can’t. I love him and that’s never going to change. I can’t change.”

The front door opened and closed. There was a thump as a bag was dropped on the floor. “Willow, Xander, I’m home.” Dawn yelled. Her voice brought a lump to my throat. I felt a panic rise up inside of me and my body begin screaming for the drugs I’d gotten accustomed to using to make things go away. I chewed on my lower lip and waited to see her.

She steps into the living room. She is beautiful. She is much taller then I and her hair almost reaches her waist. “Buffy,” her voice is a cracked whisper. I nod and stand up. I don’t know if I should hug her or not. I walk to her but hesitate.

“Dawnie?” How did she grow up so fast in just two short years?

“Buffy,” She hugs me hard and I can not breathe. I expected yelling and tears. She releases me and I can see anger and hurt creep into her pretty blue eyes. “Where did you go?”

“LA.” I want to spare her the sordid details if I can. She’s still my little sister and protecting her comes very natural.

“Why?” She asks. Her voice is still very little girl.

This is the hard part, explaining, or trying to. I don’t want her to know where I was, what I lost. “It was just so much to handle. I didn’t intend to stay away so long, just to take a break. I got lost along the way I guess.”

“I remember when Angel came back from Hell. He was like an animal. You weren’t like that so I guess I thought you were going to be okay.”

“There are different dimensions of Hell, Dawnie.” Like the one we live on, I thought.

Dawn nodded, as if that made sense to her. “I missed you, Buffy. I tried-I tried to do what you told me to, I tried to live even when you were gone. It hurt so much but things are good now. I have friends; I’m doing good in school. I like living with Xander and Willow.”

“I’m glad. Those are all the things I want for you, Dawnie.” I step forward and pull her hair back off her shoulders. Somehow, she would always be fourteen to me.

“Did Angel come with you?” she asks.

“He did. He’s helping Willow set the table.”

“Oh, goody! I haven’t seen him since he left Sunnydale.” She gleefully runs into the dining room. I hear her yell “Angel!” As I walk into the room, she tackles him. He hugs her and my little family starts to seem like a family again. I realize no matter how cold and painful this world is, I’m not alone.

@--Angel--@

I heard most of the things said in the living room. I wasn’t eavesdropping, it’s the vampire hearing. Buffy gets stronger everyday. One of these days she won’t need me and I’m glad she’s going to have her friends to come back to.

We sit down to dinner and I could kiss Willow. She has thought of everything. We have steaks, mine is very rare. There is red wine for everyone and I can smell that my glass is filled with blood.

Dawn is talking a mile a minute. She fills in the gaps of awkward silence and I am happy for it. Xander and Buffy have made peace but I don’t expect he will ever be at peace with me. I don’t expect him to be, I don’t expect anyone to be, not after the things I have done. I gently remind Buffy to eat by touching her hand and taking a bite of my steak. She smiles at me.

“So, you eat now, Dead Boy?” Xander’s voice grates across the table like nails on a chalkboard.

“I’ve always been able to eat. It makes dinner at a table more comfortable but if you like I can do this.” I put on my game face, more to spite him then anything, and take a drink of my blood. “The blood was very thoughtful of you, Willow.” I glare at Xander as I say it.

“You know, that’s what this house has been missing since Buffy left, bloodsucking monsters.” Xander retorts back.

“Stop it!” Dawn stands up and screams. She has tears in her eyes. She looks at Xander. “You’re going to make her go away again.” I lose the game face. The last thing I want to do is upset Dawn or Buffy.

Buffy is trembling beside me. “No, Dawn, I’m not going to leave again but if Xander and Angel can’t get their testosterone under control I’m going to put both of them in the hospital.” She glances at both Xander and me and in that glance I can see the old fire, the old anger that has nothing to do with pain. I want to kiss her.

Willow clears her throat and takes a sip of her wine. “So, Uhm, Buffy, are you going to stay in LA?”

“For now, I pretty much try to stick to thinking about today. Tomorrows tend to build up and it’s never of the good.”

The rest of the dinner goes well. Xander tries to avoid speaking to me and that’s okay. He’s never been my favorite person either.

Dawn spends half the night on the phone, but she keeps wandering into the living room where Buffy is. She wants to make to sure she’s still there. I know the feeling. I still wake up several times during the day to make sure she’s still lying beside me. I often touch her, just to make sure she’s real.

The most uncomfortable part of the evening comes at bedtime.

“Uhm, we’ve got one guest room. It’s got a double bed, but I’ve got blankets and pillows and stuff if Angel wants to sleep on the couch. I mean it’s okay if he doesn’t. I just-“

Buffy smiles and puts her out of her misery. “He’s staying with me. We’ll take the guest room, Will. Thank you.”

I can feel the daggers Xander is shooting my way. Apparently he thinks being a homicidal maniac is fun for me. It’s not that I want Buffy any less then I ever did, or that I’m not worried about my soul. It’s still hard to be near her and not be with her, but now I know how much it hurts without her and that pain is too much to bear.

Once we are in the bedroom, Buffy is restless. So am I. She has become accustomed to my schedule of going to sleep at sunrise and waking up mid afternoon.

“I haven’t seen Sunnydale in a long time. Take a walk with me?” she asks.

And of course, I do.

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