Fallen Angels

By Kristi

Resolutions

@--Buffy--@

We walk past the house on Revello. It’s odd to me to think of other people living there. It’s odd to think that I can’t go just go open the door and know Mom will be waiting up for me. If I sneak up the trellis and into the window, it won’t be my room anymore. So much of my life happened from that window. I snuck out to slay, I snuck out to see Angel and he snuck in to see me. I remember sitting inside the window sill kissing Angel because I was grounded and couldn’t leave my room. I remember sitting out on the roof the night Angel broke up with me my heart shattering into a million pieces.

“I know it’s just a house, but somehow I miss it.” I say

Angle draws lazy circles on the back of my hand with his thumb. “Places hold a lot of memories for us. The real memories are in your head and your heart. Places just trigger them sometimes.”

He thinks I’m having a hard time letting go of the house. I’m not. It stopped being more then just a place to lie down when Mom died. It occurs to me I haven’t been to Mom’s grave since before I died. Suddenly it’s important I go see her. I pull roses out of someone’s yard and tear my hands on the thorns.

“I’ve got to go see her, Angel. I have to.”

“Shhh, it’s okay. We’ll go right now.”

I start running. I don’t remember the last time I ran like this. Angel has a hard time keeping up with me. It feels good to run, it feels good to be breathing hard. I kneel at her grave, my breath coming fast and hard. I place the stolen roses near the headstone. The grave has been kept up, but it looks lonely.

“Hi, Mom.” I feel tears spring to my eyes and I choke on them. “I’m sorry I was gone for so long. I miss you. I needed you so much, Mommy. I got so lost and I couldn’t find my way home. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” I collapse on her grave, sobbing I’m sorry. I don’t think I ever had a chance to grieve for Mom. There was Glory and I was trying to keep everything running the way she had.

I feel Angel pull me into his arms. He holds me there. I rest my head on his shoulder. The tears dry up slowly.

“One of these days you’re going to get tired of being my handkerchief.” I tell Angel amid sniffles.

He smiles at me. I love that he smiles more now then I ever remember before. “I’ll be anything you want.”

I melt. He is everything I want.

@--Angel--@

We stand up and walk through the cemetery like most couples walk through the park. I smile to myself. Buffy has automatically dropped into patrol mode. She just doesn’t realize it. It’s good to see that things that once came so naturally to her are coming back. Everyday she is more my Buffy.

“Angel, Willow brought up a good question tonight. Am I going to stay in LA?”

I do not know how to answer this question. There are still so many complications with the relationship between Buffy and I. I know how I want to answer it. I would have her never leave my side if it were up to me.

“I mean, I don’t have to come back to Sunnydale anymore. They have Faith. I’m a free lance slayer, so to speak. I want to know I have a future.” She sounds like a little girl lost and I want to comfort her.

Her words tear at me. “Of course you have a future, Buffy.”

“Angel, when I look into the future you are still all I see.”

The regret and longing and sadness that has been the hallmark of our relationship gathers around us like smoke. I can’t help but chuckle and echo the words to her I said so long ago. “I know the feeling.” That was before, before we knew about my curse, before we hurt each other so much. It was also before the world hurt her so much. I sigh. I need to answer her. She deserves an answer. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. Our relationship will always be fraught with pain. I can not even bear the thought that one day she will die, for good, and leave me alone in the dark, cold abyss that my world without her in it is. Yet I know this will happen. I will live forever while she grows old and dies. There is nothing more I would like then to grow old with her. Somehow, I know that when that day comes, I will climb to the top of the highest hill and I will watch the most beautiful sunrise in my entire life. There are so many things I can’t give her, but I do know that no one can love her like I do.

“Throughout our relationship, when it came to decisions like staying or going, I’ve made them for you. You know the conditions and limitations of our relationship, Buffy. You know I can’t make love to you, I can’t take you on afternoon picnics, I can’t give you children and no matter how much I want to, I won’t grow old with you. I tried to live a life without you, Buffy and it got us both more heartache then happiness. You’re not a naïve little girl in high school any more. You’ve seen the dirty side of the world. If you want what I can give you, my love for a literal eternity, you’ve got it. I will stay as long as you want me. I will love you even if you don’t.”

She stops and wraps her hands around my neck. She tugs my head down to hers and I kiss her. She devours me. Her kiss is hungry and hot. She told me once she wanted to die when I kiss her. Her kiss makes me want to live.

She pulls away first, trying to catch her breath. She pushes her hair off of her face. “Ok, so that means I can stay? Cause you know, any guy can promise to love you forever. I know only one that can keep that promise.”

I laugh. We continue our walk through the cemetery. This was once the stage for our romance. As we walk by the mausoleums and the crypts I can replay all the times I kissed her there or there. We hold hands and I am so lost in thought I do not notice we have stopped. When I finally do I look down I feel as if I have been gutted.

Buffy Anne Summers

1981-2001

Beloved Sister

Devoted Friend

She saved the world a lot

Why didn’t they have it removed? I came here once, after she had died, before I went off to the monastery. I left blood roses and all the good parts of myself. I look at Buffy. She is staring at the headstone. Her face is impassive.

“I dug my way out.” Her voice is numb and flat.

Tears come to my eyes and murderous rage fills me. They made her dig out of her own grave. My Buffy had to dig out of her own grave. No wonder she had nightmares, no wonder she still does. I need something to hit, something to pummel into oblivion, something to kill. The next thing I remember the headstone is little more then rubble and Buffy is kissing my bleeding hands. I am shaking so hard I can feel Buffy trembling with me. They made her dig out of her of own grave.

I pull her to me and bury my head in her stomach. I can not help the sobs that overcome me. “I’m so sorry, Buffy. I’m sorry for not being here. I’m sorry I let them do this to you. I never wanted to leave you. I just wanted you to be happy, to have a normal life, if I had known, if I had known I would never have left you. I love you so much; I never stopped loving you, not for a moment.”

She tangles her fingers in my hair and makes small comforting noises. She turns my face up to her and places small kisses all over it. She ends up on her knees beside me, holding me like I have held her so many times.

“None of it matters anymore, Angel. Everything we did, everything they did brought us to this place, where we are today. I wouldn’t change anything, because if I changed one small thing it might change this. If Darla had never sired you, I wouldn’t have ever even met you, never have loved you, never been loved by you.”

“When did you get so wise?” I finally find the voice to ask.

She smiles at me. “I think it had something to do with dying, being sent to Heaven and then taken out again.”

I lean into her, basking in her presence. She is right; everything that has happened has led us here today. I always knew she was special, from the moment I saw her. Having lost her so many times and finally found her once again, I know she is more then that. She is my salvation, my redemption, my temptation and my reward. She is my everything.

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