Fallen Angels

By Kristi

Coming Out

@--Buffy--@

It’s been almost a week since Angel saved me. I still haven’t left this room. It feels safe here. Everything smells like him. It’s dark and it’s cozy and he always makes sure it’s warm. I’ve stopped having withdrawals, but I haven’t stopped wanting the drugs. All the pain, all the reasons I left Sunnydale, all the reasons I started taking drugs, are coming back.

I sit in his bed, his blankets pulled up to my chin and try to catalogue my pain. Maybe if I can identify everything and put it in neat little boxes, like Mom used to do with photographs, then it won’t hurt as much. Where did my pain start? It would be easy to say it started when I was called, and that’s true to some extent, but any pain I felt before my seventeenth birthday paled in comparison to what I felt afterwards.

Angelus killed a little piece of me. I remember thinking I would die. It made things all the worse that this was my fault. In one moment of passion, I had killed the person who meant the most to me. And then I had to send Angel to Hell. No one will ever know what that cost me, certainly not my friends. Xander and Willow had told me to “kick his ass”. When Angel left me, he took my heart and my soul with him. I didn’t think there was anything left to kill after that. I never blamed Riley for leaving me. I had never been fair to him. I cared about him but I never loved him. It wasn’t my fault, really. You can’t give something away that you don’t have. I held onto the hope that Angel would come back for a year or so. It took a long time to accept that he was never going to be mine.

When Mom died, everything that was left of me died. She was the one person in this world that had to love me unconditionally. What’s the saying, Home is where when you go there they have to take you. Once Mom was gone, no one had to take me. The little girl that was left in me died and since Angel had all the other parts of me all that was left was the slayer. As the slayer, I knew I was replaceable, that had already been proven with Kendra and Faith. Ok, so Faith wasn’t poster child of the year for Slayers ‘R’ us, but she was still a slayer, the slayer that had replaced Kendra.

When I saw the chance to dive into that big beautiful portal, there was nothing tying me to this world. Dawn would be taken care of just as easily, and better, by Giles. Mom was gone. I know now she was in Heaven, maybe I knew that then, somewhere inside. Angel had a whole new life in LA that didn’t include me. I was ready to die, I wanted the pain to end.

And it had ended. Heaven had been a beautiful peaceful place. I don’t remember much, but I do remember feeling safe and loved and happy. It hurt so much when Willow brought me back. People aren’t meant to come back from there.

There is a knock on the door, it interrupts my cataloging. I glance up as Angel walks in. He has a bag with him. He sits it down on the floor and then crawls up in the bed with me.

“Buffy, I want you to come downstairs. We’ll order in anything you want for dinner tonight, but I want you to eat it downstairs with me and the others.” His voice was soft but firm. I wouldn’t wiggle out of this one easily.

“I don’t have any clothes and I can’t go downstairs wearing only your sweater.” It is the only excuse I can come up with that isn’t to close to the truth. He stands up and takes a pair of jeans and an ivory sweater out of the bag.

“I bought these for you. I think they will fit, they might be a little bit big. I asked Fred about sizes.”

I know from our conversations earlier this week that Fred is the girl they brought back from Pylea, the place Angel was when I died. I hate when he does this. I hate when he takes away the easy excuses and makes me use the real ones.

“Angel, I’m scared.” My entire world has existed in this room and I know I am loved and I am safe in this room. Outside of this room everything is uncertain and it scares me.

Angel pulls me into his arms. He strokes my hair and kisses the crown of my head. “Buffy, I promise you I will not let anything happen to you. It’s just downstairs. You’ll be safe.”

He doesn’t understand, it’s not monsters or demons or anything that goes bump in the night that scares me. It’s Cordelia, Wesley, Gunn and Fred. I’m scared of the judgments they will make and the things they will say. I know I have to do this sometime though. I can not live in his room for the rest of my life, no matter how much I may want to.

“Can we have pizza?” I ask.

Angel laughs and hugs me very tightly. “We can have pizza.”

@--Angel--@

I bought her clothes. I wanted to buy them myself, instead of just sending Cordelia to get them. I remember how beautiful she always looked in ivory. I have talked to everyone about being on their best behavior, particularly Cordelia. I know this is an important step for Buffy and if it goes badly she could lock herself in my room for weeks, or worse she could run away again.

I have rearranged the room we use for a den a dozen times. I have asked Fred’s opinion on tonight, because she knows what it’s like to return to a houseful of people after relative solitude. If anyone identifies with Buffy’s situation, Fred will. She says that dinner at a table is daunting. We’re eating pizza in the den from paper plates. I have asked Gunn to pick up the movie “The Princess Bride” at the video store. I remember it is one that Willow and Buffy often watched over and over when they stayed at her house. I hope the familiarity of the movie will make her more comfortable. It will also prevent anyone from feeling like they have to talk.

Cordy, Wes, Fred and Gunn are already in the lobby talking about the day when she comes down. I run up the stairs to meet her at the top. I don’t want her to feel like she’s walking into the proverbial lion’s den. She is beginning to look like herself. Her golden hair falls over her shoulders. The bulkiness of the sweater and jeans hide her skeletal form. The purple smudges beneath her eyes aren’t quite as noticeable. She wears no makeup. She is barefoot. I forgot to get shoes, or maybe I knew she couldn’t runaway without shoes. Her feet are beautiful, tiny, delicate and unmarked by the life she has led for two years.

She is trembling as I take her hand. I squeeze it and smile at her. I see Cordelia elbow Wes out of the corner of my eye. My keen hearing picks up her whispers. “See, that’s Buffy face.” She takes a deep breathe. She heard it too.

“Its okay, Willow swears I have an Angel face too.” She tries to smile as she says it. My heart swells with love for her, for the courage and spirit that life has tried so hard to kill. Cordelia has the decency to look embarrassed. When we reach the foot of the stairs I make introductions.

“Buffy, you know Wes and Cordy. This is Gunn and Fred, the other members of my team.”

Fred, bless her heart, is the first to step up. She hugs Buffy and I notice Buffy pulls back from it a bit. It doesn’t seem to bother Fred. She remembers what it’s like to not want to be touched. “It’s nice to finally meet you, Buffy. I’m really glad you’re here with us, and I know Angel is.”

Buffy looks down at her feet, red coloring her face. Gunn steps forward and shakes her hand. “Charles Gunn, I’ve heard a lot of really good things about you. Nice to meet you.”

“Buffy, good to see you again.” Wesley says.

Cordelia hugs Buffy very briefly. It is the same sort of hug she gives anyone from Sunnydale, as if she doesn’t want someone from LA thinking she might possibly know this person. “Ok, so pizza is in the den. Let’s go eat before it gets cold.” Cordelia is trying to be a good hostess.

I hang back. Letting everyone else go ahead of us. I pull Buffy close and whisper to her, “You’re doing great.” She smiles very slightly at me and nods.

The others are already digging into the pizza boxes when we get to the den. I pull Buffy onto the couch with me and get two plates of pizza. I hope if I eat she’ll feel more comfortable.

“And the special feature tonight, is ‘The Princess Bride’” Gunn says, pulling the DVD out of the bag.

I would die a thousand deaths to see the smile that comes over Buffy. It’s not the same smile I saw so long ago the morning before I broke up with her, but it’s a smile, a real smile that reaches her eyes. Her voice is very quiet when she speaks. “I love that movie.”

“I remember.” I tell her. She has made the entire room disappear. It’s not until Fred speaks that I remember there are other people here.

“I used to love that movie. I haven’t seen it since I went to Pylea though.”

I have never seen the movie and I don’t see it this time. She is much more interesting to watch. As she watches the movie I can see glimpses of my Buffy. It takes a weight off my shoulders to know that she is still there, underneath everything else. She has a long way to go, but at least now I have hope she’ll get there. I recall something she told me on a cold winter morning when it snowed in Southern California.

-“Strong is fighting, it’s hard and its everyday, and we can do it together.”-

Watching her, I know we can do anything together.

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