Fallen Angels

By Kristi

Mending Fences

@--Buffy--@

Angel took me shopping. I didn’t want to ever return to Mike’s apartment and I can’t wear Angel’s things for the rest of my life, not to mention I could fit three of me inside one of his shirts. I didn’t buy much. I wanted to get out of the stores where the lights are bright and the people are too friendly. I don’t know them. I don’t want them hanging around me. I found it helps to go shopping with a big glowery man. Angel is very intimidating when he wants to be. He is also very protective of me. I remember I used to like shopping, I don’t remember why.

Giles is coming to see me tomorrow. I don’t know if I’m ready to see him or not. I’m scared. Part of me longs to see him. He is the only father I have ever really known. He is bringing Willow with him. I’m terrified to see her. It’s her fault I’m no longer in Heaven. I was once so angry with her. The drugs and time burned the anger away. I’m just scared now.

Angel walks in the room. How is it that no matter how large a room is, he takes up all the space? I told Willow once that the lights dim everywhere else when he is around. They still do. Angel seems to be the only thing in my life that has remained constant.

“Fred is ordering Thai food. It should be here in a little while. I think she ordered one of everything on their menu.” He chuckles a bit when he says this. He is probably right. I think she ate an entire pizza last night all by herself. I don’t know how she stays so skinny.

“Angel, I’m scared.” My voice sounds small, even to me. He is beside me in an instant, his arms around me. There are good things about vampire speed.

“Of Thai food?” He grins at me. I love it when he makes jokes. He doesn’t do it often enough. He pushes my hair out of my eyes. “They love you, Buffy. They missed you and they just want to see you.”

“I know and part of me wants to see them.” I look down at our hands, which have automatically entwined. This kind of intimacy has become natural but he has yet to kiss me. I think it scares him. Angel sits quietly, patiently waiting me out. He knows if he waits long enough I will confess. I have never been good at keeping secrets. “The other part wants to stay locked up in here with you, forever.”

He lifts our hands to his lips and kisses them. I know part of him wants the same thing I do. “When we lived in Sunnydale, do you know what my favorite part of the day was?” he asks. I shake my head. “My favorite part of the day was at the end of yours, when we had finished patrol and you would tell me about all the things that happened to you during the day. It made it seem almost like I was there with you and through you, I got to walk in the sunlight. I would hold you and I could smell the sunshine on you. If you stop living, you not only deprive yourself of those things, you deprive me of them. I want to see you live, Buffy. I want to watch you walk in the sunlight. I want what I’ve always wanted, for you to be happy.”

Oh God, he’s leaving me again. He’s going to send me back with Giles and the only time I will ever see him again is when someone dies. I can’t help it, I start to cry. “You’re leaving me again. You promised you wouldn’t leave. You promised the night you found me.”

He pulls me into his arms. “No, Buffy. I’m not leaving you. I’m going to stay as long as you need me.”

I echo words I have said to him before. “How about forever? Does forever work for you?” He does not say anything. He does not understand, I will always need him, just like I need my lungs or my heart, I need my Angel. He kisses the top of my head and strokes my hair, much the same way he did the night I buried Mom. He is the only thing that got me through that horrid night. The memory of his embrace was enough to get me through all the other horrid nights.

*

I look in the mirror again. I am mostly stalling for time. Giles and Willow are downstairs. I am wearing a pair of the baggy jeans and a sweater that Angel and I bought. I have re-done my hair a dozen times. I have it pulled up in a clip now. I gather my courage and walk to the door. It did not take this much courage to dive into the portal. I open the door and I can hear them talking to Angel downstairs. I can not hear what they are saying, but tears come to my eyes when I hear Giles’ distinct English accent. I have missed him. I am still scared.

They look up when I walk in the lobby of the beautiful old hotel. Giles look so old. I do not remember him looking that old and Willow is so beautiful. She has grown her hair long again.

Giles catches me in uncharacteristic hug and I am moved to tears. I hug him back and cry on his shoulder. “I missed you so much.” I manage to say through sobs. When we finally let go there are tears in his eyes also. Willow is crying and I hug her. She does not hug back as hard as Giles and I can tell she is still angry that I left. I understand. Maybe one of these days I will have my best friend back.

The silence that follows is awkward.

“Buffy, do you want me to leave you three alone?” Angel asks me.

I shake my head. I need him here. He is still my rock, my strength. “No, please don’t.” This seems to make things even more awkward. I don’t care.

“Uhm, Xander wanted to come. He had to work though.” Willow says.

“Is he still doing construction?” I ask, more to keep the silence away then anything.

Willow smiles. “He’s got his own company now. It’s a small company. He’s doing really well for himself.”

“Is he still with-“I struggle to remember her name. So many things in my mind are a haze.

“No. He and Anya ended about a year and a half ago.” Willow looks down at her hands and I follow her gaze. I notice a wedding band on her finger. So Xander finally woke up and saw Willow for what she was.

“I’m happy for you, Will.” It comes out naturally. I didn’t expect it to. She looks up and smiles at me.

“We got married almost a year ago. It surprised everyone, including us.” Willow laughed. “Xander and I are happy together.”

I might as well get the hardest question, at least for me, out of the way early. “H-how’s Dawn?” I ask. If it’s something bad I don’t want to hear but I have to know if she has a good life. If she took advantage of the life I gave her.

Willow’s eyes fill with pride. “Dawnie is doing really good in school. She’s 16 now and she’s pushing Xander and me to get her a car. She’s popular and she’s beautiful and she reminds me of you when you were 16. She took it hard when you left. I was afraid she’d never smile again and then the courts said she had to go live with your Dad. She ran away once. When Xander and I got married we talked to Hank. He signed over guardianship to us. Dawn lives with us. She hasn’t seen him in months.”

“I always thought Giles would take Dawn.” I said.

“Well, I tried, but I’m a single man and I’m not a citizen in this country. The courts were rather contrary about allowing me to have guardianship over a 15 year old girl.” Giles says.

“But you see her?” I ask Giles. This is important to me, I don’t know why. It’s important that Dawn and I share the same father figure. It’s important that I know the same person who gave me love and support will be there to give the same things to Dawn when she needs them.

“Dawn works part time in the Magic Shop after school and at least once a week Xander, Willow and Dawn come to dinner.” Giles says with a smile.

It’s good to know their lives have worked out well. It eases the guilt I have felt over leaving them. “And the Hellmouth, is it still…Hellmouthy?” I ask.

“Yes, well, that’s rather complicated.” Giles begins. “After you-disappeared, the council didn’t have many choices. Another slayer was never activated. They evaluated Faith and found her to be of sound mind. They arranged for her parole. She has changed. She’s more serious about her job now. She wants to make amends and she wants to do good. I am her watcher. The council was hesitant to give me another slayer, considering I’d let mine die, be resurrected and then got her lost, but my experience with the Hellmouth was the deciding factor.”

I look at him in hurt silence. I guess I just assumed I would always be his only slayer. “Well, it’s good that Faith got my life finally, she’s always wanted it.” I stand up and turn on my heel. The tears are coming hot and fresh to my eyes. Angel grabs my wrist.

“That’s not fair, Buffy.” Giles says. “You have no idea what we all went through when you left. We had just gotten you back from a hell dimension-“

“From Heaven!” I scream. “I was in Heaven and you ripped me out of there.” I cover my mouth with my hand. Oh God, I didn’t mean to say that. Giles and Willow look at me in shock.

Willow shakes her head. “No, Buffy, Glory came from a hell dimension. That portal led to Hell.”

“Will, I died saving the world. Did you really think that God would be that cruel to send me to Hell after that?” I whisper. I half hope she doesn’t hear me. I would like to rewind this entire scene.

Willow grows very pale and sits down. Giles seems to have aged years in moments. Angel squeezes my hand very hard.

“Oh, God, Buffy. I’m-I didn’t know. Oh, God.” Willow says.

I shrug. “I know. You thought you were doing a good thing. I know that, Willow. It didn’t make it any easier to be here though. Everything was so bright and so loud. Everything hurt so badly. People aren’t meant to come back from there. And then, after I met with Angel, I just couldn’t go back. I couldn’t go back and act like it didn’t matter that he was leaving me again. I couldn’t go back and act like I was happy. I couldn’t face it. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to run away and hurt everyone. I just couldn’t do it anymore. When I died I thought finally I get to rest. I finally get to stop being the slayer. Only, I didn’t. I had to come back and there was so much more I had to be then just the slayer. I couldn’t do it again.” I was crying, again. I guess it was okay, because Willow was crying and Giles and Angel were doing the stalwart man thing, trying not to cry. Willow and I hugged and cried some more.

By the time Willow and Giles left, I thought we were on the way to being normal again. I also knew they would be the easiest to mend fences with. One of these days I’d have to talk to Dawn and I didn’t know how I was going to do that. How do say I died for you Dawnie, but I couldn’t stay there and live for you without it sounding like I didn’t care enough to stay. I watch the lights of Giles spiffy red convertible disappear into the night. I still associated Giles with the ancient citron he drove for so long. Once they were out of sight, I felt like collapsing. I was drained emotionally, and physically.

“How are you?” Angel asks.

I walk to him and let him fold me into his arms. There is no place on this earth, or in Heaven, I’d rather be. “I’m tired. I’m weak. It hurts and I want it to just go away. I want heroin or cocaine or even a little bit of pot.”

He smiles at me. He understands that wanting doesn’t mean I’m going to give in. “How about a walk on the beach instead?”

@--Angel--@

We walk on the beach hand in hand. I am so proud of her. I know how hard it was for her to see Giles and Willow. She handled it with the same grace and dignity she handles everything. That is only one of the reasons I love this woman so much.

“I remember the last time we walked on the beach.” She says.

I look at her confused. Buffy and I have never walked on the beach.

“I remember the day you were human, Angel.” She says it as though she is remembering to get milk at the grocery store. “It’s okay. I’m not mad. I understand.”

“How?” It is all I can make myself say.

She sighs. “In Heaven, I could watch over you. I could share your memories. I saw all the things you had done as Angelus and I loved you. I felt how much pain you were in and I wanted to make it go away so badly. I wanted to tell you not to worry, that I would never leave you. I still loved you, even from there. I wanted you to know I was waiting for you, no matter how long it took, I was waiting for you.”

“Buffy, how can you love me and know all the things I did?” It is a question that has plagued me since I met her.

She smiles at me. Oh God, she smiled at me. I can feel the heart I don’t have beating. “Everything that Angelus did made you the man you are today and I love the person you are. I love your heart, I love your honor, and I love your soul.”

I can’t help it. I promised myself I wouldn’t, but I can’t stop myself anymore then I could stop myself from falling in love with her. I pull her to me and kiss her lips. She tastes like Heaven. I force myself to pull away before either of us loses control.

“You thought about that day a lot, the Day that Wasn’t.” she says.

I nod. “I was angry and bitter. I traded my humanity for 18 months of your life. I had expected it would buy much much more. If I had known, I would have stayed human and spent every moment of the time we had left with you in my arms.”

“And I would have been killed by a demon. The only reason Willow was able to bring me back was because I died a magical death. She was able to beg for my life back because it wasn’t supposed to happen, because I died in Dawn’s place.”

“But you’d still be in Heaven.” I remind her.

She smiles a sad, sweet smile. “Yes, but I wouldn’t be here with you.”

Continue