Beyond Expectation

By Talula

Part 6: Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

Wrapping paper littered the living room floor of the Summers’ household as the holiday celebration commenced in full swing. Dawn played Santa Claus, complete with a red Santa hat, as she periodically disappeared under the tree for another present to hand out. The entire gang was there, having a fun and evil-free time for once. Tara couldn’t have been happier. This was what families were supposed to be like. It had been a long time since she had been this happy at Christmas.

“Okay, this one’s for Tara from Buffy,” Dawn said, handing over the box. Tara pulled at the ribbon and tore off the blue and white snowflake paper. When she opened the box beneath the paper she was stunned. She couldn’t believe Buffy had remembered. She pulled it out of the box and stared at it.

“Oh my god,” she said. She held the crystal up and examined it.

“I have it on good authority that those are kinda rare,” Buffy said with a smirk. “I remembered what you said about the one you used to have. I know it’s not the same one that belonged to your mom, but I thought you’d still like it.”

“Where did you get it?” Tara asked, her voice twinged with disbelief.

“At the Magic Box,” Buffy replied. She saw tears forming in Tara’s eyes. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“No, you-you don’t understand,” Tara said with a smile. Buffy realized they were happy tears. “I think this is the same one that belonged to my mom.”

“What makes you think that?” Willow asked, not having a clue how Tara could tell this specific crystal from any other of the same type.

“See this little imperfection?” Tara said, holding the crystal out to Willow. She and Giles both moved over to look at it. “The one m-my mom left me had it, too. Same shape and size. Everything. Where did you get it, Mr. Giles?”

“My supplier said he bought it off a man in Los Angeles about three years ago,” Giles replied. Buffy and Tara exchanged a knowing look and Tara laughed, wiping at her tears.

“That was my dad,” she said. “Your supplier got it from my dad.”

“Extraordinary,” Giles said in amazement.

“This is like that six degrees of separation game,” Xander said with an incredulous smirk.

“All the fun but without Kevin Bacon,” Oz added in his usual deadpan tone.

“What a coincidence that that crystal ended up in your shop, Rupert,” Joyce said.

“I thought you knew by now, mom,” Buffy said. “There are no coincidences in this town.”

“Thank you so much,” Tara said to Buffy.

“You know I thought it was a little pricey at first, but now I know it was worth every penny,” Buffy said with a smile. She couldn’t have asked the gods to drop a better present out of the sky.

Dawn headed under the tree again, digging for more presents. Xander received a collection of Monty Python videos from Giles. Willow’s present from Dawn caused Anya to scream and insist that the present be hidden in another room until she and Xander left for the evening. The pink bunny slippers were placed in one of the kitchen cabinets upon that request. Anya received a book about wise investing from Buffy. Oz received a set of vintage guitar picks from Xander. His simple ‘Cool’ was taken as an expression of deep gratitude. Giles received a first edition Hemingway from Joyce, courtesy of one of her contacts with her gallery. According to Anya, Dawn’s squeal of excitement upon opening the present from her mother was at a volume only dogs and bats could hear. It was a leather jacket she had been hinting at for over a month. Joyce was wearing a mother’s ring that Buffy and Dawn had gone together to buy. It had Joyce’s birthstone in the center and then Dawn and Buffy’s birthstones on either side. She assured them that she loved it.

Finally Dawn sifted through all the discarded wrapping paper and found the last present. It had fallen to the back and, being so small, had gone unnoticed until now. Dawn passed it over to Buffy.

“Ooh, saved the best for last,” Buffy said with a grin.

“I-I don’t know about that,” Tara said nervously, recognizing her present to Buffy. The slayer read the tag and looked over at her newest friend.

“From Tara. Let me guess. It’s a car,” she said with a smirk, holding up the small box. Tara smiled sheepishly. Buffy pulled off the bow and tossed it to Willow, who had been decorating her sweater all evening with discarded bows. Buffy tore off the paper and looked surprised by what she found inside the small box. She picked up the cross and pulled the chain out of the box. “Wow. Tara, it’s beautiful.”

“D-Dawn helped pick it out,” she said nervously. Then she smiled. “I, um, asked if you were religious, and she said only around certain people. I didn’t get that at first.” The others chuckled at that. “I probably should’ve bought one for myself, too.”

“It’s perfect,” Buffy said as she latched the chain around her neck. She looked Tara in the eyes with genuine gratitude. “Thank you.”

Tara nodded her head shyly and smiled.

“So, I guess that’s all the presents,” Joyce said as she stood. “Anybody want more nog while I get the pies cut?”

“I think I’m nogged out,” Willow said.

Joyce and Giles headed for the kitchen to serve the pies. Everybody else stood to return to the dining room to have pie.

“My nog tasted funny,” Dawn said, looking down into her glass. “I think I might’ve had one with rum in it.”

“That’s bad,” Willow said.

“Yeah, now Santa’s gonna pass you right by. Naughty booze hound,” Xander joked. Dawn chuckled at his comment.

“Santa always passes me by,” Willow said, feigning disappointment. Oz rubbed her shoulders comfortingly. “Something puts him off. Could be the big honkin’ menorah.”

Xander turned to Dawn then. “What’d you ask Santa for, Dawnster?”

“Um, puberty, Xander. Sorta figured out the whole no Santa thing,” Dawn said with a smirk.

“That’s a myth,” Anya said. Dawn nodded her head in agreement but Anya shook her head. “No, it’s a myth that it’s a myth. There is a Santa Claus.”

Everyone looked over at Anya in surprise. Xander smiled broadly.

“Benefits of having a thousand year old girlfriend. Inside scoop,” he said, turning to Anya.

“There i-is a Santa Claus?” Tara asked. It was hard enough grasping vampires were real and that Buffy fought them. She had also been informed that Oz was a werewolf and Anya was an ex-vengeance demon. Lumping on a real Santa Claus was putting her into mind-reeling territory.

“Been around since, like, the 1500s,” Anya explained. “He wasn’t always called Santa, but you know, Christmas night, flying reindeer, coming down the chimney—all true.”

“All true?” Dawn asked, suddenly excited to know Santa was real.

“Well, he doesn’t traditionally bring presents so much as, you know, disembowel children, but otherwise...” Anya said. Everyone suddenly looked very alarmed.

“Th-the reindeer part was nice,” Tara said quietly. The group retreated to the dining room. Tara lagged toward the back and Dawn noticed. She whispered in Tara’s ear.

“See. She didn’t freak out.”

Tara smiled slightly and was relieved to realize Dawn was right. Buffy genuinely liked the gift. No freak out and no assumptions. She looked at the Herkimer Diamond in her hand and relaxed, deciding to just enjoy the rest of the evening.

---

Outside the Summers residence someone lurked in the shadows. A small stream of smoke wafted up away from him as he watched. He tossed his cigarette away and stepped closer to the house.

“You have your merriment, slayer,” Spike said bitterly. “But when your fa la las are done, we’re gonna have a go. Count on it.”

---

Later on Christmas evening, once everyone was gone, Tara sat on Buffy’s bed while Buffy gathered some of her things to take downstairs for the night.

“I can sleep on the couch,” Tara said. She had understood Buffy giving up her bed the previous night because of the vampire attack, but she felt guilty about it now. “You shouldn’t give up your room.”

“It’s not a problem. The couch is actually comfortable…if you contort your body just right,” Buffy said with a smile. Tara chuckled. Buffy was about to leave when she stopped and closed the door. She turned to Tara, nervous about what she was going to say. “Look, I know I said that you could talk about your dad whenever you felt like it, and I probably shouldn’t push it. But I can’t stop making up scenarios in my head of what happened to you. Some of them turn into fantasies of me kicking his ass at the end. I have to know if he hurt you.”

Tara looked down at the Herkimer Diamond, which she was still holding tightly in her hands. She wasn’t sure how to proceed. This went deeper than her sexual orientation. It was a topic she hadn’t talked about to anyone. It was something she wanted to forget. It was why she had run from Los Angeles to Sunnydale.

“He-he didn’t really hurt me physically…much,” she said finally. “He slapped me a couple times and pushed me around. Like shoving me against walls and-and stuff. Mostly he, um, just yelled at me a lot. Mental stuff. Called me worthless. Called me a-a whore.”

“A whore? Why?” Buffy asked. She sat on the bed next to Tara, but her friend didn’t look up. She was staring at the crystal, ashamed that she had put up with what she had put up with.

“He said it after he found out…that I’m-I’m gay,” she explained. She swallowed back the lump that was forming in her throat. “He wasn’t as bad as D-Donnie.”

“Your brother,” Buffy said. Tara nodded her head. “What’d he do to…? Hey, what’s this?”

She looked down at Tara’s wrists. It had never occurred to Buffy before, but Tara always wore long-sleeved shirts. Buffy had never seen her wrists. Now she was wearing a t-shirt. Buffy grabbed Tara’s right hand and turned it palm up. Tara tried to pull away, but she couldn’t pull out of the slayer’s firm grasp. Buffy ran her finger along a pale scar that ran up the length of Tara’s forearm. She had an identical one on her other arm.

“What is this?” she asked. She knew what it was, but she didn’t want to believe it. She looked to Tara in shock. “Did you…?”

“No-no, I didn’t,” Tara said. She finally pulled her arm free and hugged her arms around herself. “I d-didn’t do that.”

“Who did?” Buffy asked. She was so confused and scared of what Tara was going to tell her. Buffy could deal with the pain demons and vampires inflicted. She could handle that. She couldn’t handle humans that inflicted the same kind of pain, or sometimes a worse kind of pain.

“Donnie and his friends attacked me a-after school one day,” she explained. Her voice shook as she spoke. She was talking about one of the worst experiences of her life. She had only repeated this story twice—once for the police and once for the court. “They-they tried to make it look like s-suicide. He said dykes kill themselves all the time.”

“Oh my god, your own brother would do that to you?” Buffy asked. Tara nodded her head and continued. Buffy wasn’t sure if she wanted to hear more, but she didn’t stop her. She had a feeling that Tara needed to do this.

“They were stupid. They couldn’t make it look like suicide because I w-wouldn’t hold still long enough. So they beat me up, and then when I was pretty much f-fought out, they cut me.”

Buffy moved closer and rested her hand on Tara’s shoulder. She could see the pain in the young witch’s face. There was so much she had been through, more than Buffy could comprehend.

“One of Donnie’s friends s-stuck around after everybody left me there,” she continued. A tear escaped and rolled down her cheek. “He, um, said he w-w-was gonna turn me straight.”

“Oh god, no,” Buffy said. Her eyes were wide with fear. She didn’t want to hear this. It was more than she wanted to know. She didn’t want to even imagine it.

“One of my teachers s-stopped him before he…”

Buffy relaxed slightly, glad that Tara had been spared at least a little pain. Not much, but it was a start.

“Please tell me those bastards are in jail,” she said. Tara nodded her head.

“Donnie and one of his, um, friends got twenty years for attempted m-murder,” she replied. “The others got five years for assault, but I think most of them are, um, already out on p-parole.”

They sat in silence for a while. Tara was sniffing back tears. Buffy waited for Tara to say something else or give some kind of signal that she was finished. She began talking again.

“I almost died. Spent two weeks in the-the hospital. I’d never seen my dad so concerned about me before,” she explained. “Then I realized he was worried because he was afraid Donnie would get put away for murder if I died. He didn’t w-want his precious son to get the death penalty.”

“So this was after your mom…?” Buffy asked, trailing off. Tara simply nodded her head. Buffy could feel her hatred for Tara’s brother and father boiling within her. “I’ve never truly wanted to kill a human till now.”

Tara shook her head. “They’re not in my life now. I left while dad w-was sleeping. I didn’t tell him where I was going. I just had to-to stay long enough to finish high school and get a scholarship.”

“He hasn’t tried to find you?” Tara shook her head. Buffy exhaled and shook her head in frustration. “God, Tara…how are you still sane?”

Tara chuckled and finally looked up at Buffy. “That could be up for debate.”

“But all this stuff you’ve been through and you’re here,” Buffy said in amazement. “Sure you’re kinda shy, but still. You’re a good student. You’re making new friends. Nobody would even know—”

“That was kind of my plan. For people not to know,” she said. “I’m trying to start over. To move on.”

“You can move on, but bottling this stuff up and not telling anyone will make it that much harder for you,” Buffy said. “Believe me, I’ve tried running away before. Didn’t work.”

“I guess,” she muttered. She shook her head. “It’s just...I know he probably doesn’t know where I am, but sometimes I still think I might turn a corner and run into him. Or e-even both of them.”

“You shouldn’t have to be afraid like that,” Buffy said. She reached up and wiped a stray tear off Tara’s face with her thumb. Tara closed her eyes and exhaled, trying not to react too much to Buffy’s soft touch. She realized that for someone so strong, Buffy could still be just as gentle. “If you do see them again, you just have to show them that you’re not the same girl they cut down. They’re just pathetic excuses for men that cut you down to make themselves look strong.”

“I know. But it’s hard n-not to be afraid.”

“You know that if they ever did anything to you again, I’d—”

“Kick their asses into next week. Yeah, I know,” Tara interrupted with a smirk, remembering what Buffy had said about Liz Lopez. She sighed and looked at the clock. It was well past midnight. She also knew that if Buffy touched her again, she would simply melt in the slayer’s arms. “Look, Buffy, thanks for listening to all my baggage. I’m sure I’ve really impressed you w-with how emotionally scarred I am.”

She smiled, trying to make sure Buffy knew she was joking. The slayer took this as a signal and stood. She guessed that Tara had had enough share time for one evening.

“Don’t worry about it,” Buffy said. “I can deal with scars. Got a few of my own. But I’ll have to tell you about those some other time because it’s later than late.”

Tara nodded her head as Buffy gathered her things again and headed for the door. “Buffy.” The slayer turned. “Merry Christmas.”

Buffy smiled and returned the sentiment. “Merry Christmas.” As she headed down the stairs, Buffy’s mind kept running what Tara told her over and over on repeat. She hadn’t dealt with very many humans that were what she would consider evil. Faith was one, although she was on the road to redemption. Buffy assumed Mayor Wilkins had been human at some point. Ethan Rayne was on the low spectrum of evil. He was more of a nuisance than anything. But Tara’s father and brother really sounded like evil. What I wouldn’t give for five minutes alone with them, she thought.

As she settled in on the couch, Buffy couldn’t get her mind off of Tara. It amazed her how important the young witch had become to her in such a short time. It wasn’t just about redeeming herself for her Cordelia Era. She had befriended Tara so quickly. She remembered buddying up with Xander and Willow fairly quickly, but that was different. There was a dynamic between her and Tara that Buffy didn’t quite understand. Tara was on her mind a lot, even when they weren’t around each other. It was something that puzzled Buffy and she wanted to put the puzzle together.

Part 7: When the Ball Drops

The afternoon of New Year’s Eve, Tara was curled up in one of the deck chairs in Buffy’s back yard reading when the slayer joined her. Buffy leaned over to get a good look at the cover of Tara’s book.

“The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold,” she read off the cover. When she leaned over, the cross necklace that Tara had given her dangled from her neck. Tara was internally overjoyed to see Buffy was still wearing it. “That’s what you literature buffs call leisure reading, huh?”

“Yeah,” Tara replied. Buffy sat back in the other chair and sighed, enjoying the sunlight on her skin. “It’s really good. You should read it.”

“Nah. Call me a Cosmo girl. I have a hard enough time finishing the required reading for class.”

“You don’t like reading much,” Tara observed. Buffy shrugged her shoulders.

“It’s not so much that I don’t like it,” Buffy replied. “I just don’t get much time for reading. My leisure activities tend to require less brain power and more dancing.”

Tara smiled and nodded her head. She placed her bookmark to save her page and set her book down.

“Oh, speaking of dancing. The Dingoes are playing the Bronze tonight,” Buffy said. “We’re all gonna be there. It’s the big New Year’s Eve bash. You joining us?”

“I guess I could,” Tara replied shyly. “I don’t have m-much else going on.”

They sat and enjoyed the sun and silence for a moment. Then Buffy looked back to Tara. “So what’s the book about?”

“Huh?” Tara asked, caught off guard by the break in the silence. Then she realized what Buffy had asked. “Oh, it-it’s about this girl who was murdered and the way that everybody deals with it. The way the author wrote it, though, was from the perspective of th-the murdered girl in heaven as she looked down on everyone on Earth.”

“Sounds morbid,” Buffy said with a grimace. Murder stories weren’t really appealing to her. She dealt with enough killing in her own life.

“It does until you start reading it,” Tara replied. “The writing style is just-just so captivating.”

“Read me some,” Buffy said, gesturing to the book. Tara looked apprehensive. Buffy continued prodding with a smile. “Come on, read me this captivating stuff.”

Tara reluctantly opened the book to the page she had marked and chose a paragraph.

“‘Wet laundry. The snap, the yank, the wet heaviness of double- and queen-sized sheets. The real sounds bringing back the remembered sounds of the past when I had lain under the dripping clothes to catch water on my tongue or run in between them as if they were traffic cones through which I chased Lindsey or was chased by Lindsey back and forth. And this would be joined by the memory of our mother attempting to lecture us about the peanut butter from our hands getting on the good sheets, or the sticky lemon-candy patches she had found on our father’s shirts. In this way the sight and smell of the real, of the imagined, and of the remembered all came together for me.’”

When Tara looked up, she saw Buffy just staring, listening attentively. Buffy smiled, but she didn’t say anything.

“What?” Tara asked, wondering why Buffy was smiling at her like that.

“Nothing, it’s just…” Buffy trailed off, hoping she wouldn’t embarrass or insult Tara with what she was about to say. She didn’t intend it that way, but she knew Tara was particularly self-conscious about it. “You didn’t stutter when you were reading that. Not once.”

“Oh,” she responded. She looked down at the book, blushing. “W-what’d you think?”

Buffy smiled. Tara thought for a moment—before dismissing it as wishful thinking—that she heard a flirtatious lilt in Buffy’s tone of voice.

“Definitely captivating.”

---

Once they walked Dawn to her friend’s house for the night, Tara and Buffy met Xander, Willow, Oz and Anya at the Bronze to begin their own New Year’s fun. Tara felt slightly uncomfortable at first. But after some time and a couple drinks, she loosened up a little bit. The dance floor was very crowded, and she felt embarrassed at first when she and Buffy were dancing due to how close they were forced to be. After a while, she got used to it, and Buffy didn’t seem to mind.

It started to near midnight, and the group was at the table they had claimed early on. Oz was on stage with his band in order to play once midnight came. The four girls sat at the tall table while Xander stood with his left arm wrapped around Anya’s waist.

“Oh, I’m on empty,” Buffy said, looking down into her cup. “I need something for midnight.”

“Me too,” Willow said.

“I’ll get drinks. Anyone else?” Buffy asked. Anya and Xander shook their heads and Tara stood with Buffy.

“I’ll go with you,” Tara said. “I’m out, too.”

“Okay,” Buffy agreed.

“Hurry back,” Willow said. Then she turned to look up to the stage and shoot Oz a smile.

Buffy and Tara made their way through the crowd and up to the bar. It turned out everybody was getting a refill for the big moment. They couldn’t get the bartender’s attention.

“What? Do I have to take my top off to get some attention around here?” Buffy asked as she fruitlessly waved at the bartender. Tara blushed slightly and just laughed. Then the Dingoes’ lead singer, Devon, announced that it was one minute to midnight. Everybody cheered.

“Maybe we should just go back to the table,” Tara suggested. “We don’t need drinks.”

They turned and found that they were trapped.

“Man, we’re packed in here like cattle,” Buffy said with a frustrated pout.

“Think people would move if we mooed?” Tara asked. Buffy laughed.

“I doubt they’d even hear us,” she shouted over the noise of the crowd.

As the two of them tried to find a path away from the bar, Devon counted down and the crowd joined in.

“Nineteen…eighteen…seventeen…”

“Well, we’re stuck,” Buffy said, turning to Tara. The bartender had finally come over to them. “Drink?”

Tara smiled and nodded her head. Buffy quickly placed their orders.

“Ten…nine…eight…”

“You got your resolution?” Buffy asked. Tara thought about her resolution, but she couldn’t say it out loud. Not to Buffy, and not here.

“Four…three…two…one. Happy New Year!”

The crowd erupted in cheers and confetti flew up in the air as everyone celebrated. Tara wasn’t sure what came over her. She had had a few more drinks than she was used to, but she didn’t feel that drunk. Maybe it was the crowd. Maybe it was the noise. But without any warning, she leaned forward and kissed Buffy. The slayer was caught off guard and her eyes widened. For a brief moment, though, she closed her eyes and didn’t break away. Tara thought she felt Buffy kiss back. Soon, though, it was over as Buffy pushed Tara back.

“Tara!” she said. The look on her face was one of shock. The pessimist in Tara felt Buffy looked disgusted as well, and that’s the feeling that Tara believed. She shook her head and looked very hurt.

“I-I-I’m s-sorry. I d-d-didn’t…” she stammered. Then she turned and pushed her way through the crowd, wanting to get as far away from Buffy as she possibly could. She had disappeared into the cheering crowd amidst the singing of ‘Auld Lange Syne’ before Buffy even managed to shake away the shock.

“No. Tara! Wait!” she shouted in the direction Tara had gone. She pushed against the crowd and shoved her way through. She couldn’t see Tara anywhere. She made her way back to the table where Willow, Xander and Anya were.

“Hey! Happy New Year!” Willow shouted, jumping out of her chair and giving Buffy a hug before Buffy could say anything. When Buffy half-heartedly returned the hug, Willow stepped back and finally saw the worried look on her friend’s face. “What’s wrong?”

“Did Tara come by here?” Buffy asked.

“No, we haven’t seen her since you guys went up to the bar,” Xander said.

“We…had a misunderstanding,” Buffy said, not sure she wanted to tell her friends yet that she and Tara had kissed. “She got upset and took off. You’re sure you didn’t see her?”

“We didn’t see her,” Willow said. “What happened?”

“I’ll explain later,” Buffy said, shaking her head. “I’m afraid she might have left the Bronze. Will, I need you to stay here. Check the bathroom and just kind of look around. Xander and Anya, can you guys go to Tara’s dorm room and see if she went there? Maybe you’ll even catch up to her on the way.”

“Sure,” Xander agreed.

“I’ll go home and see if she went back there,” Buffy said. “If you find her, call my house.”

The group split up and went in search of Tara. Buffy felt more and more guilty by the second. She just hoped she would find Tara safe and unharmed, and then they could talk about what happened.

---

She hadn’t brought the key to her dorm room with her to the Bronze so Tara had to go back to the Summers house to get her things. She hoped that Joyce was asleep so she could get out quickly and quietly. She walked nervously down the street. Her previous encounter with vampires left her on edge at night. She felt stupid for leaving the Bronze, but she felt even more stupid for what she had done.

Insane, she thought. I went insane.

As she made her way up the front walk, she saw a light on in the living room and wiped at her tears. She had a feeling that wouldn’t really keep Joyce from noticing that she was upset, but it was all she could do as she entered the house. She was even more disappointed when she saw Joyce wasn’t alone. Apparently, Giles had decided to keep Joyce company on New Year’s Eve. They were sitting on the sofa watching an old movie. They looked over and were surprised to see Tara back already and alone.

“Tara, what are you doing back?” Joyce asked.

“I-I don’t feel w-well,” she lied. “I, um, think I’m coming down with something. I-I’m just going to go back to the dorm.”

“Nonsense. If you’re sick, you shouldn’t be alone in some drafty old dormitory,” Joyce said. Giles sat up and Joyce stood, moving over to Tara. Joyce did the typical mother temperature gauge by feeling Tara’s forehead with the back of her hand.

“I-I don’t wanna get anyone else sick,” Tara said.

“You feel warm, but not feverish,” Joyce said. She finally noticed the tear stains on Tara’s cheeks and had a good idea of what was going on. “You’re not sick, are you?”

Tara crossed her arms over her chest and looked down at the floor. “I c-can’t talk about it,” she said quietly. Joyce rested her hand gently on Tara’s shoulder and turned to Giles.

“Rupert, I think Tara and I need to have a girls’ talk,” Joyce said. Giles nodded his head and stood.

“Of course, it’s late anyway,” he said as he grabbed his coat and moved to the door. “Good evening, ladies.” He gave Tara’s arm a gentle squeeze. “Take care, Tara.”

Once he was gone, Joyce led Tara over to the sofa and got her to sit down. Tara leaned on her knees and stared at the floor. Joyce sat beside her.

“M-Mrs. Summers, I can’t—”

“Did Buffy say something to upset you?” Joyce asked, interrupting Tara’s protest. Tara shook her head.

“N-no, it wasn’t Buffy’s fault. It w-was me. I’m s-so stupid,” Tara said dejectedly.

“You are not stupid,” Joyce said, resting her hand on Tara’s shoulder again. “What happened?”

“I-I…” Tara said trailing off. She couldn’t force herself to tell Joyce that she was in love with her daughter. She had a feeling Joyce would be even more appalled than Buffy was.

“Did you tell Buffy how you feel about her?” Joyce asked. Tara looked over at her in shock. She smiled back at her. “I may be a mom, but I’m not that old, Tara. I do notice things.”

“Am I that o-obvious?” Tara asked in shock and frustration. “Willow saw it. Xander and Dawn saw it. You s-saw it.”

“I don’t think Rupert knows,” Joyce tried to reassure her. Tara scoffed and rolled her eyes.

“Buffy sure didn’t know. She does now.”

“Sweetie, what happened?” Joyce asked, putting on her best sympathetic mom face. It was the face she had perfected when Dawn came home from a bad day at school. Except in Dawn’s case, the sympathetic mom face was usually accompanied by cookies. Joyce had a feeling Tara would find cookies a little patronizing.

Tara sighed and looked away from Joyce again. “I kissed her.”

Joyce was surprised, but she remained silent. She knew there was more Tara had to say.

“At midnight. We w-w-were by the bar and I-I just did it.”

“You sure did it,” a male voice said. The two women looked over at the foyer in surprise. Then they stood. Joyce stepped protectively in front of Tara when she recognized him. “I thought the bleedin’ slayer was going to throw you across the bar.”

“Spike, how did you get in here?” Joyce asked.

“Funny thing, Joyce,” he said as he stepped into the living room toward them. The two women backed up until they were backed against the fireplace. “Remember when Buffy invited me in a couple years ago? We had that whole truce thing going to keep Angel from destroying the world. Seems your daughter forgot to revoke the invitation.”

“She’ll kill you,” Joyce said.

“She’ll try,” he said smugly. “Truth is I’m not here for her. Not yet.”

He lunged forward and grabbed the two women. They struggled, but he was too strong. He threw Joyce across the room, sending her crashing into the desk. Tara watched in horror as she fell unconscious. Then Spike held Tara up against the fireplace and looked her up and down.

“You’re a vampire,” Tara said, stating the obvious in her panicked state. He smiled.

“I’m not just a vampire, pet,” he said. He leaned forward until their faces were barely an inch apart. “I’m the vampire. The one that’s going to kill the slayer.”

He stepped back and then quickly punched Tara, causing her to fall into darkness.

---

Giles saw Buffy walking quickly down the street and he stopped. He assured her that Tara had made it safely back to her house and then offered Buffy a ride home. When he pulled back into Buffy’s driveway, they were both alarmed to see the front door wide open.

“I only left them ten minutes ago,” he said. The two of them got out of the car and hurried inside. Buffy’s heart sank when she saw the mess by the desk and the pictures that had fallen off the mantle. She saw a slip of paper stuck to the wooden mantle with one of Buffy’s own daggers. She pulled out the dagger and read the note.

“Got Joyce and your girlfriend. Come and get it. Spike.”

“Spike’s back in town?” Giles asked as Buffy handed him the paper.

“Where would he take them?” Buffy asked.

“He could be anywhere,” Giles said, admittedly at a loss.

“No, he’ll take them someplace where he knows I’ll find him,” she said. “Either the factory or the mansion on Crawford street.”

She moved to her weapons trunk and pulled out some stakes and an axe, handing them to Giles. She stuffed some stakes in her jacket for herself and then pulled out a small crossbow.

“I’ll take the mansion. Call Willow and Xander before you go, and check the factory,” she said. “Call my cell phone if you find them.”

“Buffy, you shouldn’t go alone,” Giles said.

“I’ll manage,” she said. “Spike’s worn out his welcome in this town. He’s dust.”

She hurried out of the house on foot before Giles could protest. She vowed she would see Spike turn to dust, or she would die trying.

Part 8: Resolutions

Joyce regained consciousness to find she was chained up on the floor in a very large room. The furniture was dusty, but she recognized the interior of the mansion that Angel had inhabited. She had only been there once. Spike had lit a fire in the fireplace and the glow lit Tara’s still form across the room. Then she saw Spike leaning against the wall near Tara. He was smoking a cigarette and holding a long metal spike in his free hand. He saw her looking at him and tossed his cigarette away.

“Welcome back to the land of the living,” he said. “Don’t get used to it.”

He turned and used the metal spike to poke at Tara. She stirred and then finally she sat up. Her eyes filled with terror when she saw the chains on her wrists and then saw him standing over her.

“And sleeping beauty makes two,” Spike said. He reached down and grabbed the chain between Tara’s wrist manacles, roughly pulling upward until she was forced to stand. He hooked the chain over a hook, stretching her arms above her head. When he stepped back she tried to pull her hands out of the manacles, but she had no luck.

“Don’t you dare hurt her,” Joyce said fearfully.

“I think I’ll do as I please, Joyce,” he said. He walked toward Joyce and tossed the spike between his hands. “Did Buffy ever tell you how I got the name Spike?” Joyce didn’t answer. He turned back to Tara and smiled. “You see, when I was a young vampire, I liked to have fun. Angelus, being the fluffy ponce that he is, kind of dragged the fun right out of me over the years. But at first, I liked to torture my victims…with railroad spikes.”

Tara looked absolutely terrified as her gaze fell on the spike in his hands. He took another step toward her.

“P-please, don’t do this,” she pleaded. She didn’t know what else she could do or say. She couldn’t get out of the chains.

“It’s been a long time since I’ve had a good torture session,” he said. He stepped toward Tara again and ran the point of the spike along the left side of her jaw. “I’m still debating on whether or not I should start with you, though. I saw how Buffy looked at you. I think I might be doing her a favor. Save her the trouble of trying to be all sympathetic about breaking your heart. She must not have told you about Angel. Nope. The slayer will never love you.”

“Shut up, Spike,” Joyce said. She hoped arguing with Spike would stall the inevitable. She didn’t want to see Tara hurt. But Spike ignored her. He simply ran the metal spike from one side of Tara’s neck to the other.

“If it weren’t for that pesky gypsy curse, Angel would still be here. You wouldn’t have a prayer in the world. Not that you do anyway,” he continued. Tears formed in Tara’s eyes. Part of her knew Spike was right, but the rest of her was too terrified to think about it. “Truth hurts. Kind of like this.”

Tara’s scream echoed in the nearly empty mansion as he ran the metal spike through her right thigh. Spike pulled it out and her knees buckled. She dangled from the chains above her head and she trembled from the pain. Her face was a ghostly shade of white and tears streamed down her face.

“No!” Joyce shouted. “Please.”

“Don’t worry, Joyce,” Spike said. He licked Tara’s blood off the metal and smiled. Then he shoved the spike into the same thigh just a little above the last spot and relished as she released another blood curdling scream. He turned to look at Joyce who had closed her eyes and turned her head away, unable to watch. “You’ll get your turn.”

---

By the time Buffy reached the mansion, Giles had called her. He and the others already checked the factory and found nothing. They were on their way in Oz’s van to meet her. She told him she expected Spike to be dust by the time they joined her. Giles told her to be careful.

She heard a scream inside the mansion and went into attack mode. She rushed inside and found Spike standing in front of Tara, who was dangling from chains over her head. A metal spike was protruding from her left shoulder just below the collar bone. Her blood was quickly staining her shirt. The right leg of her jeans was nearly covered in blood. She screamed again when Spike yanked the spike out. He saw Buffy and smiled.

“Took you a little longer than I expected, slayer,” he said. “Although I had hoped I would get to do some damage to your mum, too.”

“I’m the only one who’ll be doing any more damage here,” Buffy said.

She raised the crossbow and fired, but Spike easily ducked out of the way. He leapt through the air. She fired again, but missed. He landed next to her and knocked the crossbow out of her hands. She immediately went into hand-to-hand mode as he swung at her head with the spike. She ducked and kicked him in the stomach. He backed away briefly and then threw the spike at her. She caught it and threw it back. He staggered backward as it embedded deep in his shoulder. He pulled it out and smiled.

“Too bad for you that’s metal,” he said.

He tossed it aside and did a flip over Buffy as she attempted to sweep his feet out from under him. She turned and threw punch after punch at him, being blocked every time. He grabbed her left wrist, then her right and head butted her. She staggered backward and took a kick to the jaw. He grabbed her from behind and pinned her arms to her sides. She threw her head back and caught him in the nose, getting him to release his hold. He staggered backward and fell over the back of the sofa, tumbling onto his knees near the fireplace. He grabbed the nearby fire poker and jabbed forward as Buffy jumped over the sofa. She barely side-stepped the poker before he spun and caught her in the side with it. She doubled over and he hit her across the back. She cried out in pain and then struck the back of his knee with her arm.

Spike fell to one knee and she grabbed the poker. She took it from him and stabbed him in the side with it. She twisted, pulled it out and stabbed him again.

“How do you like it, Spike?” she asked angrily, giving him a taste of what he did to Tara. She pulled the poker out of his side and he swept his arm out, knocking her away. He staggered to his feet as she turned toward him. She pulled a stake out of her jacket. She had to finish this now.

“I’ve killed two slayers,” he said. “You’re no different than them.”

“Wrong. I’m very different than them,” she said. She charged and they exchanged a few more punches. She spun with her back to him and pushed her stake behind her, getting him right in the heart. His eyes bulged in shock as he disappeared into dust. She looked down at his dusty remains. “I won.”

With perfect timing, the rest of the gang burst into the mansion. They saw Buffy standing by the fireplace first.

“Where’s Spike?” Willow asked.

“Right there,” Buffy said, pointing to the dust on the floor. Then she looked toward her mother and Tara.

“Joyce,” Giles said. He saw Joyce first and knelt to remove her chains.

“I’m fine. Help Tara,” Joyce said. The others turned and got their first glimpse of the wounded young woman dangling from her chains. Buffy leapt over the couch and joined Xander as he worked to remove Tara’s chains. They got them off her wrists and she fell limply into Xander’s arms. Her eyes were closed and Xander felt for a pulse.

“She’s alive,” he said. Everyone else breathed a very audible sigh of relief. “She’s just unconscious.”

“Oh my god, what’d he do to her?” Willow asked, shocked by all the blood. She didn’t think someone could bleed that much and still live.

“We need to get her to a hospital,” Buffy said.

“I’ve got my van,” Oz said. “Plenty of room.”

Xander picked Tara up in his arms and they all hurried out of the mansion, the victory over Spike momentarily forgotten until they were certain Tara would be okay.

---

White. Everything was white and floating. She had vague memories of pain and then Spike and Buffy. The sounds of their fight echoed quietly in the distance, finally disappearing altogether. After that she simply floated in the white, weightless and unconcerned.

Soon, the white was broken by a face, which soon also revealed a body. Then the white changed and she was standing in a field of wildflowers. She recognized the field. She had played in it when she was younger. She would play hide and seek with her mother. At certain points in the season, the flowers would be so tall that she could simply sit down quietly in a random spot and virtually disappear. She would always give away her position with a little giggle or a moment of impatience when she stood to see where her mother was. And as she remembered her games of hide and seek, the face came into clear focus. It was who she had expected. As far as she knew, she was dead. There was no other person she expected to see.

“My sweet little girl,” Olivia said as she took Tara in her arms. The two of them stayed that way for what seemed like an eternity. Tara wished it could be longer.

“I’ve missed you so much,” Tara said. While filled with emotion, her voice was different than it was in the real world. There was no hesitation in her speech, no stutter. Olivia stepped back and held Tara back at arm’s length. She smiled.

“I guess I can’t call you my sweet little girl anymore,” she said. Tara smiled shyly. “You’ve become quite the woman. Only three years and look at you. Being away from your father and brother did you well.”

“Being away from you didn’t,” she said sadly. Olivia gently caressed her daughter’s face.

“That doesn’t matter,” Olivia said. Tara nodded her head.

“Right, because we’re here now.”

Olivia shook her head. “No, because I’ve always been with you, and I always will be.”

“What?” Tara asked, confused.

“You’re not dead, sweetheart,” Olivia explained. “You’ll go back. You’ve got a new family waiting for you. Buffy’s waiting for you.”

“Buffy,” Tara repeated quietly. Something told her Buffy wasn’t eagerly awaiting seeing Tara.

“Don’t underestimate her,” Olivia said, seeing Tara’s doubt. “Nothing’s decided yet.”

“The way she looked at me…”

“You didn’t give her a chance to explain,” Olivia said. “But now you need to go back. Do you hear me, Tara?”

Her mother’s voice was mingled in with that of a man’s voice. They echoed together and the field started to fade.

“Mom,” she called. The field disappeared back to white and Olivia began to fade as well.

“Tara, can you hear me?” a man’s voice said. The white went away and it was replaced with pain and confusion. There were people standing over her.

“Mom,” she said again. Her eyes felt heavy and her whole body felt like one giant burning pain. She spoke in a whisper. “Buffy.”

“Tara, do you know where you are?” the man asked. Her eyes closed and the medical staff continued to work on her as she fell unconscious.

---

In the waiting room, Buffy paced while Joyce, Willow and Anya sat. They had called Dawn to explain to her what had happened, and despite their assurances that Joyce was okay, Dawn had refused to back down until they picked her up. Giles had volunteered for that task. Meanwhile, Oz and Xander had gone in search of coffee.

“God, if I had just said something when she…” Buffy said in frustration, trailing off on her thought. Willow and Anya were confused. They still didn’t know what had happened between Buffy and Tara at the Bronze. Joyce grabbed Buffy’s hand to stop her pacing.

“What would you have said?” she asked.

Buffy shook her head. She didn’t know what she would’ve said. She couldn’t even imagine how what happened in the Bronze could have happened differently. She was shocked, and not just because of the mere fact that Tara had kissed her. She was shocked that, for a moment, she had kissed back. She had felt something she never thought was there. She just wanted to tell Tara that.

“I’m looking for the family of Tara Maclay,” a doctor announced. Buffy stepped forward.

“We are…I mean…” she stammered. Technically they weren’t family. The doctor approached anyway and looked to Joyce.

“Are you her mother?” he asked.

“Oh, no. Just a friend,” Joyce replied.

“She was asking for her mother so I assumed…” he began.

“Her mom died three years ago,” Buffy explained. The doctor nodded his head sympathetically. He had encountered plenty of disoriented patients who called out for dead relatives, lovers or friends.

“She also said something else. Buffy,” the doctor continued.

“That’s me. My name’s Buffy.”

“Are you her sister?” he asked.

“No, just…a friend. She doesn’t have any other family. Her mom was it,” Buffy explained. It wasn’t entirely the truth, but as far as Tara considered it, it should be the truth. “I think we’re the closest to family that she’s got. Is she going to be okay?”

“Well, she suffered a great deal of trauma and blood loss,” he began. “We had to do a transfusion. It’ll be difficult, but overall, she’ll make a full recovery.”

They were all noticeably relieved. Buffy looked hopefully to the doctor.

“Can we see her?”

“In a little while. We’ve just moved her to a room and we’ve got a couple more tests to run,” he explained. “I’ll have a nurse let you know when you can see her.”

The doctor left and Buffy sat down next to Willow. The red-head gave Buffy’s shoulders a comforting squeeze. Then she said something none of them had dwelled upon at all.

“Hey, you beat Spike.”

---

Buffy was extremely nervous when she entered the room. Tara appeared to be sleeping. Her left arm was in a sling and she could see the bandages peeking out from under the collar of the hospital gown. Her jaw was bruised where Spike had punched her, and there were white bandages wrapped around her wrists where the manacles had cut into her flesh. Buffy could imagine the thick bandages on Tara’s leg, but they weren’t visible under the layers of blankets. Slowly she approached the bed on the right side and rested her hand on Tara’s right hand. Tara didn’t move.

“I’m so sorry,” Buffy said quietly, staring down at her hand holding Tara’s limp one. “One week in my world and you’ve already been bitten by a vampire and nearly tortured to death. I’m not exactly the best girl you could be with.”

Buffy looked up at Tara’s face when she saw Tara’s fingers start to move and bend around her hand. A brief scowl creased the young woman’s brow before she opened her eyes slowly and stared at Buffy. She appeared to be having a hard time focusing her vision. Finally it cleared and she looked away from Buffy, closing her eyes.

“Tara, hey,” Buffy said, happy to see her friend awake. Her happiness was soon drowned when Tara looked away from her. “Okay, I guess I’m not exactly the person you wanna see right now. I had to talk to you. I had to make sure you were okay. At the Bronze—”

“I disgust you,” Tara said quietly, still not looking at Buffy.

“No, Tara, you don’t,” Buffy said. She squeezed Tara’s hand reassuringly. “Hey, look at me.”

Tara opened her eyes and obliged Buffy’s request. Her blue eyes were filled with pain and disappointment.

“I don’t know what kind of face I had on after you kissed me, but I’m guessing it didn't increase your confidence in your kissing skills,” Buffy said. “What you saw was just surprise. I wasn’t disgusted at all. I promise.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Tara said. “You c-could never love me. Spike told me about Angel.”

“Spike? You’re taking the word of a 150-year-old homicidal maniac who tortured you within an inch of your life?” Buffy asked. Tara realized how silly it sounded now, but she saw the look on Joyce’s face when Spike mentioned Angel. And she remembered what Xander had said to her. There was some truth to it. “I did love Angel…a lot. But even without the curse, he and I would’ve still gone our separate ways. There’s no way it ever would’ve worked. He’s in my past.”

“Do you still love him?” Tara asked. Buffy sighed and looked away. That was all the answer Tara needed. She pulled her right hand away from Buffy’s and looked in the opposite direction.

“I do. I love him in the way that someone always loves their first love. There will always be a part of me that loves him,” Buffy said. “It doesn’t mean I can’t love someone else.”

Tara didn’t respond. Buffy still wasn’t sure of everything herself, but she knew she had to find out one thing. She had to find out if she really did feel something when Tara had kissed her. She had to know. She reached over and gently placed her hand on the left side of Tara’s face, turning her head to face her. Tara watched in confusion as Buffy leaned forward and then their lips met, softly at first. Tara was tense for a moment, but then she just let it happen. And Buffy knew.

Part 9: First Time For Everything

Tara’s recovery was a tough one. She spent a week in the hospital. By the time she was out, the new school semester was about to start. She could barely walk with the assistance of a cane and she couldn’t use her left arm. She had to go through physical therapy in order to get back to normal.

Through it all, Buffy was stumbling along with her, both of them trying to figure out what their relationship was turning into while Tara recovered from her injuries. This was all entirely new to Buffy. She didn’t know what she was doing. She assumed Tara did, but she seemed just as nervous about it all as Buffy. Part of that nervousness surely came from Tara’s fear of being rejected, but what Buffy didn’t know was that it also stemmed from the torture session with Spike. It was the second time in her life that Tara had been brutally injured to the state of near death. If that was what she could expect simply by knowing Buffy, she wasn’t sure if she wanted to stick around. She just couldn’t bring herself to vocalize this fear to Buffy.

Tara wasn’t alone in having fears. Aside from her inexperience in dating women, Buffy had not had much success in relationships. With Angel, the relationship had been a torrid love. It was all about the pain of loving a love that really had no hope. Every good moment was immediately followed by a bad one. The coy cat and mouse of their first encounters, followed by the revelation that he was a vampire and the encounter with Darla. Knowing that he was only interested in her and no one else, followed by the prophecy of Buffy’s death to the Master. Finally, their one night of passion, Angel’s moment of true happiness, and then came the worst of all—Angelus. Torment and torture. Sending Angel to hell. That relationship was the most passionate and painful love she had ever experienced, but somewhere inside, Buffy was still missing something.

Then came her ill-fated encounter with the mistake known as Parker. She had been reaching out, flailing about wildly to grab onto something or someone to cure the loneliness, to fill an emptiness Parker could never come close to filling. Since then Buffy had avoided relationships. She had concentrated on friends, school and slaying. It helped a little. Keeping her mind off having someone dulled the lonely ache. But still, there was that space. The dark empty that seemingly would never fill. Buffy didn’t know if Tara could fill that space. She feared that she wouldn’t.

---

After her sociology class, Tara found herself having issues getting her books in her bag. Her left arm was still in a sling, and it was very difficult to carry a bookbag on her right shoulder while using a cane with her right hand. She made her way out of the lecture hall, only to have her book bag slip off her shoulder, strike her right leg and nearly cause her to scream from the pain it caused. She slowly bent over to retrieve her bag when another hand grabbed it from her. She looked up to see Oz there.

“I’d hate to give anybody the wrong idea with the manly chivalry,” he commented. “But want me to carry that for you?”

Tara smiled gratefully and nodded her head. Oz slung her bag over his shoulder and joined her in her slow walk to her next class.

“Thanks. Buffy’s been helping me, but she has other classes in different buildings today,” Tara explained. “I’ve been, you know, late every day since the semester started. I’d hate for her to be late for classes, too.”

“Yeah, but she’s got the slayer speed,” Oz said. His face took on an expression of amazement. “She runs really fast.”

“I guess,” Tara said with a shrug. They walked in silence for a while until Tara broke it. “So, you’ve been a S-Scooby for a while now.”

“A few years,” he responded.

“Have you ever thought, um, about leaving Sunnydale? Like maybe when you became a-a wolf.”

“I became a wolf because my cousin bit me,” Oz said. “Being in Sunnydale really didn’t have much to do with that.”

“But you’ve-you’ve been in a bunch of dangerous situations because you’re here and because you’re part of the-the gang,” Tara said. “Did you ever think it’d be better…safer, if you left Sunnydale, left Willow?”

“Not really,” he said. “Sure, it’d be safer, but I don’t know about better. Plus, when you’re a werewolf it’s handy to have people around who have easy access to chains and weapons.”

“You’re not scared that being with Willow might, you know, get you killed?”

Oz glanced at her briefly and realized where this was going. “I’ve been scared before. Pretty much every day when I first found out about the whole slayer thing. But I didn’t let it chase me away.”

“You don’t think you’d be better off outside of Sunnydale?” Tara asked. Oz shook his head confidently.

“No. Safer doesn’t always mean better,” he said. “I love Willow. If it gets me killed, then at least I’ll die happy. In theory.”

“In theory?”

“Well, who really dies happy? Old people who die in their sleep. That’s about it,” he commented. Tara smiled and he continued. “I’ve never thought about leaving.”

“Not once?”

Oz shook his head as they arrived at Tara’s next class. He followed her to her seat and waited until she was comfortable before setting her bag in front of her.

“Life without Willow is scarier than all the demons I’ve seen,” he said. He thought for a moment about his past experiences on the Hellmouth. “Although the band candy thing was fairly disturbing.”

“Band candy?” Tara asked, wondering what could be so disturbing about that.

“Long story. Buffy can tell you,” he replied. He gestured around the classroom. Students were still milling about and the professor had yet to arrive. “Looks like you’re not late for this class.”

Tara smiled and began to pull her books out of her bag. “Thanks, Oz.”

“No problem,” he said.

He walked away and Tara thought about what he had said. She had a feeling he was right. At this point she couldn’t be sure if her fears were unfounded. But hearing Oz’s perspective did help her.

---

Buffy sat at the table at the Magic Box, trying to study but only thinking about Tara. She thought about what kind of future she could have with Tara. She didn’t want to lose Tara. She loved her friends. She loved her family. But she had never feared for them the way she was fearing for Tara. She had lost Angel, sacrificed him to save the world. She couldn’t do that with Tara. She didn’t think she could sacrifice Tara to save Sunnydale or a group of teenagers or one lone victim. If it was between Tara and anyone or anything, it would be Tara. She didn’t get it, how she fell so hard and so fast.

“It’s evil!”

“What? Who? Evil?” Buffy said as Anya’s exclamation yanked her out of her thoughts. She looked over to the ex-demon who was reviewing invoices while sitting on a stool behind the counter.

“It’s worse than evil. It’s just…just bunny rabbits hopping around with little fluffy tails eating carrots and mocking those who have bad eyesight because they’re hoarding all the carrots.”

“Anya, what in God’s name are you talking about?” Giles asked in annoyance, removing his glasses as he interrupted her tirade.

“Look at this invoice for the plumbing repairs,” she said as she walked over to Giles. “How can they charge so much money when all they did was stick a stick with a rubber cup on the end into the toilet? I could’ve done that and you wouldn’t have had to pay me nearly as much.”

“Live and learn,” Giles said in nonchalance as he took the plumbing invoice away. “And I will notify the Council of the evil plumbing demons.”

“God no,” Anya said, scowling at the mention of the Council. “Don’t bring them into this.”

“Yes, please don’t,” Buffy agreed. Giles shook his head and filed the invoice while Anya went to tidy a display that had been knocked over. Buffy stared at Anya for a while and then stood, approaching her. “Hey Anya, can I ask you something?”

“I suppose,” she replied as she stood some pillar candles in a pyramid.

“When you…I mean, you’re in love…with Xander, right?”

“Of course,” Anya answered quickly. It was like it wasn’t even a question. It was like asking her if she was alive or an ex-demon or a capitalist running dog. Like breathing.

“And before that you hadn’t been in love for a really long time, right?” Anya nodded her head. “So, when did you first realize it? Was it like the hills are alive kind of falling in love? Was it fast? Or was it a slow thing?”

“It snuck up on me. I didn’t ask to fall in love with him. I didn’t want to fall in love with him,” Anya explained. “Then he refused to leave with me when I ran away from the mayor’s ascension, and I came back because I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I had all these feelings that I didn’t want floating around in my head and heart making me feel all sick without him.”

“So it was fast.”

“No.”

“It was slow?”

“It was both,” Anya replied. “I had all these feelings and I thought that if I came back and had sex with Xander that would get rid of them. In a thousand years, I’ve watched woman after woman sleep with a man, things went to hell, I reaped vengeance and the feelings went away.”

“Um, Anya, is the point anywhere in there? Because I’ve got 20/20 vision and I’m not seeing it,” Buffy said.

“The point is I fell in love with Xander right away and again months later and I do it over and over and over again,” Anya explained, frustration evident in her voice. “That’s the point.”

“So you’ve always known?”

“I guess I have,” she replied. “Why are you asking me all this anyway? You know more about love than I do.”

“Don’t be so sure,” Buffy said quietly. She smiled and went back to her books at the table. “Thanks Anya.”

“You’re…welcome,” she said, completely confused as she went back to stacking the candles, knowing she would never understand Buffy. The slayer was starting to think the same thing about Anya.

---

After a few weeks, Tara was finally up to it, so they agreed to have their first ‘official’ date. They were both extremely nervous. Buffy realized she hadn’t been this nervous about a date in a really long time. She let Tara pick where they went for the date.

“After all,” Buffy began. “My birthright has nearly gotten you killed twice in less than a month. You’ve earned the right to choose.”

Buffy regretted saying that when Tara mentioned a Shakespeare review at the local repertory theater.

“Shakespeare,” she said hesitantly. “So that’s the where for art thou and lend me your ears kind of thing?”

“Yeah,” Tara replied. “It’s fun.”

“Oh, I’m sure it is,” Buffy said, trying to sound enthusiastic.

“If you don’t wanna—”

“No, I do,” she replied. She ran her hand down Tara’s right arm and grasped her hand. “It’ll be great. Expand my horizons and all that good stuff.”

In her dorm room before the date, she checked her outfit in the mirror. She was wearing an ankle-length tan skirt and a white peasant top. She turned to Willow anxiously.

“Do I look okay? Is this good for Shakespeare? Is this good for a first date? Should I change? I should change.”

She headed for her closet, but Willow stood and grabbed her arm. The red-head smiled sympathetically at Buffy’s nervousness.

“Don’t change. You look great,” she said. “Tara will love your outfit.”

“Are you sure?” Buffy asked. Willow nodded her head. Buffy sighed and sat on her bed. “God, this is like Jason Archer all over again.”

“Jason Archer?”

“First date ever,” she explained. “He was a senior on the football team. I was a freshman. He asked me to the winter formal and I was so unbelievably nervous. I didn’t even make it all the way through the date.”

“What happened?”

“I threw up in the limo.”

“Yikes…and ew,” Willow said, cringing at the visual image that engendered in her head.

“Yeah, I was mortified. Luckily he was almost as embarrassed as I was so he didn’t spread that all over school,” she said. “He just had the limo driver drop me off at home.”

“This is different,” Willow said reassuringly. “Tara’s probably just as nervous as you are. She might be the one to throw up. But hopefully…not.”

“I doubt it. She’s done this before.”

“That’s what you’re all jittery about,” Willow said in realization. “This is your first date with a girl.”

“Just because I’m a girl doesn’t mean I know what girls want in other girls,” Buffy said with a pout. “Now I know why guys complain about us all the time.”

“Just be yourself. It’s not like you have to make a first impression. You already know Tara,” Willow said. “You two will have fun, no matter what you’re wearing.”

“So I should change into a t-shirt and track pants?”

“Buffy!” Willow exclaimed. She yanked Buffy up off the bed and turned her toward the door. Buffy quickly snatched her purse as Willow opened the door and shoved her along. “Go. Have fun. I order you to have fun. Away with thee!”

“I thought the thees and thous wouldn’t start till I got to the Shakespeare fest,” Buffy said with a smirk.

“See you later. Oh, and take good mental notes. I want a detailed play by play,” Willow said. Buffy nodded her head and turned down the hall once Willow had closed the door. She looked down the hall, anxious about her short walk to Tara’s room.

When she knocked on the door she heard Tara call through for her to a wait a minute. She glanced nervously down the hall and then looked back quickly when the door opened. Tara smiled in greeting and Buffy took a quick moment to observe Tara’s appearance. She was very surprised. Normally she wore very covering and earthy clothes, not to say that her current outfit wasn’t somewhat earthy. However, the revealing aspect was getting her attention, and Buffy’s eyes caught at chest-level for just a moment.

Tara’s dress was very appropriate for their date. The olive green bodice accentuated her breasts, which was a rare sight indeed. Buffy had never seen her in something so revealing. Once her eyes disengaged from Tara’s breasts she surveyed the rest of the outfit. The sleeves were off-white and gauzy, tight from shoulder to elbow and then breaking off into flowing ruffles. The skirt was the same off-white material that flowed down to her ankles.

“Wow. You really take the whole renaissance thing seriously,” Buffy commented. She internally scolded herself when her eyes caught at chest-level again before reaching Tara’s face.

“Yeah, I don’t wear this often,” she confessed as she stepped backward, leaning on the antique cane that Buffy’s mom had loaned her until she could walk without it. They had all agreed that the metal, hospital-issued cane was a little too geriatric for her to be sporting around campus. Buffy entered the room and Tara swung the door shut. Then she sat on the bed to get her shoes on.

“You look great,” Buffy said honestly and emphatically, noticing that Tara seemed very worried about wearing something so revealing.

“You do, too,” Tara responded quickly. “You look great, too.”

“Great,” Buffy said with a smile. Tara nodded her head and then returned her gaze to her shoes. Buffy sighed and decided to be completely forthright. After all, it seemed to work for Anya...sometimes. “Okay, so I’m trying to figure out why I’m so incredibly nervous right now. Think you could help with that?”

Tara looked up and smiled. She completely understood what Buffy was talking about. Tara had dated women before, but for some reason she never could avoid the first date jitters.

“I mean, you’d think we’ve known each other long enough,” Buffy said. “Somehow the past few months doesn’t seem to stop the nerves. So what does?”

“Shakespeare,” Tara said with mock confidence. Buffy smiled and raised an eyebrow.

“Maybe for you.”

“It will for you, too,” she responded. She stood and took Buffy’s right hand with her left. “You won’t be disappointed.”

Buffy walked with Tara out the door, starting to feel more comfortable already. “I’m holding you to that.”

---

After the review, Tara and Buffy left the theater together, Buffy’s right arm linked with Tara’s left. Her therapy on her left shoulder had made great progress and she was glad for that, happily discarding the sling. With her right hand occupied with using the cane, had her left arm still been in a sling, Tara wouldn’t have been able to have as much physical contact with Buffy as she would like. She hated being restricted by the sling and her injured leg.

“So, does anybody ever live in Shakespeare’s plays?” Buffy asked. Tara chuckled.

“I told you, tonight was a review of the tragedies,” she explained. “In Shakespeare’s world, death equals tragic.”

“Obviously. Of course, that equation works in the real world, too,” Buffy commented. “Where to next?”

“We could, um, get some coffee, I guess,” Tara suggested.

“Works for me. Espresso Pump is just down the street.”

They walked and discussed the performances. Buffy conceded that she did enjoy Shakespeare, regardless of the massive amounts of death. As they neared an alley, Buffy paused and stopped Tara.

“Did you hear something?” she asked. Her slayer senses were suddenly on overdrive. Tara looked around and shook her head. Buffy could hear the sounds of a struggle. Then there was a scream that both of them heard. Buffy turned to Tara as she started to head down the alley. “Wait here.”

“Buffy, wait…” Tara protested, but the slayer was already well down the alleyway. She looked around nervously and moved closer to the nearby streetlight, hoping it would protect her somewhat. She saw Buffy nearing the struggle down the alley. She could see five men attacking a woman. Tara was fairly certain the men were vampires.

“Is this a private party or can anybody join in?” Buffy asked. The vampires all looked over, growling at her.

“You’re out of your league, girl,” the largest of the vampires said.

“I’m actually in a whole league of my own. It’s called the slayer league,” she commented. That got their attention. “I’d ask you guys to join, but it’s not a team sport.”

The vampires abandoned their original prey and advanced on Buffy. She jumped and caught two of the vamps in the jaw with a split kick. The girl the vamps had been attacking took off running down the alley, but one of the vamps followed her and caught her, throwing her onto the ground near a dumpster. Buffy was distracted by the four remaining vampires that she was fighting.

“Where do you think you’re going?” he asked as he leaned over the terrified girl. She was sobbing and couldn’t force herself to move. The vampire leaned down to sink his teeth in when his face took on expression of shock. The girl watched him turn to dust and scatter around her. She saw Tara standing over her, holding a cane in both hands like a weapon. She appeared just as shocked as the girl about what had just happened. Tara hopped slightly and then supported herself on the cane.

“R-run,” she said to the girl. “Go!”

She didn’t have to tell her again. The girl stumbled to her feet and sprinted out of the alley. Tara turned to see Buffy fighting the remaining vampires still. Two of them grabbed Buffy’s arms while the other two advanced from the front. Buffy jumped, kicking the two vampires in front of her and back-flipping out of the other two vampires’ grasp.

“Need a stake,” she said. She ducked and dove past the vampires as they tried to grab her. Tara realized that Buffy needed a weapon. She looked to the cane that had served her quite well just a moment ago.

“Buffy!” The slayer turned and Tara tossed the cane to her. Buffy used it like a baseball bat, catching all four vampires off guard and knocking them to the ground. Then she quickly staked them one by one. When she turned back to Tara she saw her supporting her weight against the dumpster. She looked down at the cane and saw that it was partially broken.

“Thanks for the assist,” Buffy said. She held the cane up and gave a sheepish smile. “Cane’s kind of trashed. Mom’s not gonna be happy about this.”

“I’m sure she’ll understand,” Tara said with a grin.

“Yeah, the benefit of being the slayer is that it’s kind of a permanent get out of jail free card with her,” she replied as she wrapped her arm around Tara’s waist and allowed her to lean on her as they walked. Buffy noticed that Tara was limping even more than when she had been using the cane. It appeared that her leg was really bothering her. “So, what do you say we skip the coffee and head back to the dorm?”

“That sounds like a really good idea,” Tara agreed. They slowly made their way back toward campus and Buffy hated that their date had been cut short by her slayer duties.

---

Once they arrived back at the dorm Buffy helped Tara sit on her bed. Tara cringed as she tried to make herself somewhat comfortable.

“How’s the leg? Still hurting?”

“Only when I’m conscious,” Tara said with a chuckle.

“I’m sorry things got cut short,” Buffy apologized, heading for the door. “I should probably let you get some rest.”

“No, don’t go,” Tara said, cringing at how desperate she sounded when she spoke. Buffy turned back. “I-I mean, you don’t have to go. I’m not really tired. Just, um, sore. You can, you know, stay…if-if you want to.”

“You sure?” Buffy asked. She hadn’t wanted to leave. She just figured Tara would want to get some sleep. Tara nodded her head.

“We could watch a movie or-or something,” she suggested.

“As long as it’s not Shakespeare,” Buffy said. Tara smiled, realizing that Buffy was just teasing about her disdain for Shakespeare. “I’ve had enough death and lyrical prose for one night.”

“No Shakespeare. Sure,” Tara agreed. She looked down at her outfit. “I guess I should change first, though.”

“Yeah, me too,” Buffy said, figuring Tara wasn’t quite ready to change in front of her anyway. She wasn’t sure if she was ready for that. “I’ll go change and I’ll be right back.”

Buffy went down to her room and was greeted by a very surprised expression from Willow. It was only nine o’clock.

“You’re back already? The date was that bad? Tell me it wasn’t that bad,” she said frantically, fearing the worst. “What’d you do? You didn’t throw up, did you?”

“No. There’s been no vomit of any kind…yet,” Buffy replied with a laugh. “The date’s not over. We were gonna go get coffee after the Shakespeare. But there was impromptu slayage and Tara wanted to come back to the dorm.”

“And you’re here. How is the date not over?” Willow asked in confusion. Buffy moved over to her dresser to retrieve more comfortable clothing.

“We’re gonna watch a movie in her room. Just changing into more comfortable clothes,” she replied, holding up black track pants and a white tank top. Willow was noticeably relieved as Buffy started changing. She switched moods completely, an expectant smile spreading over her face.

“So, how’s it going so far? Minus the slayage, of course.”

“Even with the vampires, it’s been great,” Buffy replied. “Tara even dusted a vamp all by herself.”

“Really?” Willow asked. Tara had only known about vampires for a little over a month and she had already slain a vampire. It had taken much longer before Willow got into that category of Scooby.

“Yeah, she caught him off guard and staked him from behind with that cane my mom loaned her, which, by the way, is not so useful anymore,” Buffy commented. “But before that, it felt great. I really enjoyed the Shakespeare stuff and it was so comfortable, so familiar. Oh and her outfit was like…wow.”

“Wow how?” Willow asked.

“Well, she was wearing this renaissance kind of dress with the corset type thing,” Buffy said. She unconsciously held her hands palms up in front of her chest to suggest that Tara’s outfit accentuated that particular area of her body. Willow chuckled and Buffy blushed, realizing what she was doing. “But anyway, she looked amazing. You would’ve been surprised.”

“Sounds like it,” Willow said. Buffy had finished changing and Willow motioned toward the door. “Well, you better get back. And remember. Details.”

When Buffy got back to Tara’s room, she was greeted simply by Tara’s response for her to come in. She opened the door to find Tara had changed into brown velvet pants and a pink t-shirt that said ‘Fabulous’ across the chest with a picture of Betty Boop underneath. She was sitting back against the headboard of her bed with her right leg propped up on a pillow, and she had set up the movie.

“Back to my normal self,” she said, referring to her clothing. “Nothing spectacular about this outfit.”

“Well, there is the person wearing it,” Buffy said with a coy smile. “Pretty spectacular there.”

Tara blushed and shifted slightly to allow more room on the bed for Buffy. “Is The Breakfast Club okay? I don’t have a whole lot of movies.”

“Sounds good to me,” Buffy replied. She sat on the bed next to Tara as she hit play on the remote. Buffy gestured to Tara’s leg. “How’s your leg?”

“I wish you’d stop asking me that,” Tara said with an exasperated chuckle. Buffy looked confused. “It wasn’t your fault I got hurt.”

“I’ve been obvious with the guilt, huh?”

“Just a little,” Tara replied with a smile. “I’m fine. I took some of the nice painkillers that the doctor prescribed. Pretty soon I’ll be like, ‘What leg?’”

“Okay, I’ll stop asking,” Buffy said. “Well, I’ll still ask. Just not as much.”

Tara chuckled as the movie began and they settled in. Buffy noticed Tara leaning slightly closer to her and smiled.

“You a Ringwald fan?” she asked. Tara shook her head.

“You probably won’t be surprised by this, but I identified with Ally Sheedy’s character most,” Tara explained. Buffy nodded her head.

“Unfortunately, not surprised,” Buffy said. Then she scowled and turned to look at Tara. “You aren’t a klepto or a compulsive liar. I hope.”

“No, I’m not,” Tara said. Then she shot Buffy a mischievous grin. “Of course, I could be lying about that.”

“Ooh!” Buffy exclaimed. “If you weren’t injured you’d be getting a pillow upside the head right now.”

“Is that an official slayer weapon?” Tara asked. “Slain by pillow?”

“You never know. Maybe I’ll run into a demon allergic to down feathers,” Buffy said. She laid back again, folding her right arm behind her head for support. “Now, shh! I’m trying to watch the movie.”

“You started it!” Tara exclaimed defensively. She watched as a smile spread across Buffy’s face, but the slayer remained silent. She shook her head and laid on her side next to Buffy, smiling contentedly. Timidly she moved her right arm until it was resting around Buffy’s waist. The slayer looked down at Tara’s arm briefly, slightly nervous. Then she smiled, looked back up to the movie and ran her left hand along Tara’s forearm, allowing it to rest gently on top of it.

They watched the movie mostly in comfortable silence that was only broken by an occasional sarcastic comment regarding what was currently happening on screen. As it neared the ending, Buffy commented on the outcome of the movie.

“Now, how is that fair? The nerd gets stuck writing their essay and he doesn’t get a girl. So much for them breaking the stereotypes,” she said.

When Tara was silent she turned to see why. She was lying on her left side with her left arm tucked beneath her head while her right arm was still resting across Buffy’s waist. Her eyes were closed and her even breathing signaled that she was asleep. She assumed that the painkillers Tara had taken for her leg had knocked her out. Buffy smiled, used the remote to shut off the television and shifted until she was lying on her right side, nearly mirroring Tara’s position. She didn’t want to wake Tara up and she knew she wouldn’t feel right about leaving without telling Tara that she was going. Even if leaving without telling Tara didn’t bother her, Buffy didn’t want to leave. She held Tara’s right hand with her left and simply watched her until succumbing to sleep herself.

Part 10: Feel No Shame For What You Are

Sunlight streamed in across Buffy’s face and she scowled, annoyed by the unwanted natural alarm clock. She opened her eyes and squinted, confused by her surroundings. It took her a moment to remember that she was in Tara’s room. She was alone in Tara’s room. She stood and looked around at some of Tara’s things, really surveying the room. Tara had several pictures taped to the shelf above her desk. Most of them were fairly recent ones of her with the Scoobies. Others were of Tara and her mother. There were none of her father or brother, not surprising Buffy in the least. She stopped at a framed picture of Tara and her mother that rested atop the shelf. It looked like it had probably been taken not long before her mother became sick because Tara didn’t look much younger than she was now. Buffy loved how genuinely happy Tara looked in the picture. She figured that was probably a fairly rare thing for her when she was still with her family.

Buffy was pulled out of her thoughts by a knock at the door. The clock showed that it was seven in the morning. She wondered who would be visiting Tara this early on a Saturday. After a second, more urgent knock, Buffy opened the door and was greeted by a man who appeared to be in his late forties. She didn’t recognize him, and he was apparently confused by her presence in Tara’s room.

“Is this Tara Maclay’s room?” he asked, his tone very aggressive and demanding. His confused scowl also held a hint of anger and frustration that was clearly noticeable to Buffy. She didn’t know who this guy was, but she didn’t like him already.

“Yeah, but she’s not in right now,” Buffy replied, trying to keep her cool. “If you want, I can tell her you stopped by. What’s your name?”

“Oh, you must be the new slut,” he said, his voice dripping with abhorrence. Buffy’s eyes widened briefly before anger surfaced on her face.

“I prefer to go by Buffy,” she replied. “And I take that back. I’m not going to tell Tara you stopped by.”

“That’s right. You’re not,” he said, stepping forward as if to enter the room. Buffy extended her arm and gripped the door jamb, glaring up at him as she blocked his path. “I’m not going anywhere until she comes back.”

“Like hell,” Buffy said. “Who the hell do you think you are anyway?”

“I’m her father, you disgusting little tramp,” he said. He never could’ve known what a mistake that was.

“You son of a bitch,” Buffy growled. She threw the door back, grabbed him by the shirt and shoved him across the hall. She pushed him so hard that he was momentarily lifted off his feet until he came crashing into the wall, cracking the drywall behind him. Her voice was filled with fury as she spoke. “How dare you come here and think you have any right to even look at her.”

The noise woke some students, who stepped out into the hall to see what was going on. Willow stepped out of the room she shared with Buffy and her eyes widened in shock.

“Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t kill you right now,” Buffy growled at him. Mr. Maclay was too shocked to speak. He wasn’t entirely afraid, but the strength of this girl who appeared so tiny to him was overwhelming.

“Buffy!” Willow shouted as she hurried down the hall. “What are you doing?”

Before Buffy could answer, Tara emerged from the bathroom and was horrified by the scene she saw unfolding across from her room. She limped toward Buffy, using the metal cane more as a way to push through the crowd rather than for support.

“Buffy, stop!” she called. She finally got to Buffy, who looked over to Tara, not releasing her grip on Mr. Maclay. “Let him go.”

“After what he did to you, somebody’s gotta give this bastard a taste of his own medicine,” Buffy said.

“No, Buffy. He’s not worth it,” she said, her tone calm even though she was terrified on the inside. “Otherwise, I w-would’ve done something to him a long time ago.”

“What?” Buffy asked, confused. She never thought Tara would’ve ever considered hurting her father. It didn’t seem like something that was part of Tara’s personality.

“Remember what you told me at Christmas? I-I’m not the same girl he knew,” Tara said, not answering Buffy’s confused gaze. Finally, Buffy obliged and shoved Mr. Maclay down the hall onto his back. Several of the by-standing students had to jump back to avoid ending up in a heap with the man. He quickly stood and brushed himself off, trying to regain some sense of what he considered dignity.

“Smartest thing you’ve ever done, girl,” he said, glaring at Tara. “Heaven forbid you show any respect to your father.”

“You...aren’t my father,” Tara said, setting her jaw and hitting him with an intense gaze. She was determined not to break down and concentrating even harder on controlling her stuttering. She couldn’t let him win. This was the moment she had feared for two years. She had to do this right. “You have to earn that title. You-you were never my father. Now get out of here b-before I change my mind and let Buffy kick your ass.”

“This isn’t over, young lady,” he said. “I’ve been looking for you for almost two years. Did you think I’d just give up?”

“It is over,” Tara said. “You’re just-just a pathetic old man. You can’t control me.”

“Besides, if you come back here, I don’t care what Tara says. You’ll get to know my fist really well,” Buffy added.

“And Buffy’s not the only one you have to deal with,” Willow said. She folded her arms across her chest defiantly, doing her best to look intimidating in her pink and brown cow-print pajamas. “You don’t wanna see what I can do.”

Mr. Maclay was fuming. He had lost. This hadn’t gone as he had planned at all. He shot one last angry look at Tara before turning and pushing his way through the crowd of students that had gathered to witness the spectacle. As he rounded the corner, Buffy and Willow noticed Tara’s resolve quickly fading. They both directed worried glances at the crowd before guiding Tara into her room.

Once Willow closed the door, Tara deflated and sank to the bed, closing her eyes and allowing Buffy to wrap her arms around her. Buffy held Tara close, trying to calm her. She could feel her trembling and taking deep breaths, obviously trying to regain her composure.

“It’s okay,” Buffy said as she stroked Tara’s hair. “He’s gone. You were great. You got rid of him.”

“I c-couldn’t let him win,” Tara said finally. She exhaled one last deep breath before sitting back away from Buffy. Willow sat on the desk chair across from the two of them. “I had to sh-show him he doesn’t scare me anymore. Even if that’s not, you know, true.”

“It is true. You stood up to him,” Willow said reassuringly. “I think that proves that he doesn’t scare you. At least, he doesn’t scare you enough.”

“What you said about how you would’ve done something to him…” Buffy began, not sure how to ask Tara about that. Tara sighed, remembering all too well the times when she had thought about revenge against her father and Donnie.

“Oh, there are spells,” she said. “So many spells. There were, um, times when I considered using them. God, especially after what D-Donnie and his friends did to me.”

“I’m surprised Anya never came to you,” Willow said in amazement. “Your situation was totally her turf.”

“Actually, I think Anya lost her powers before Donnie…you know,” Buffy said. She turned back to Tara. “But you couldn’t do it. You couldn’t use the spells on them.”

“I wanted to so much,” Tara explained. “But I remembered all the things my mom had taught me. About witchcraft. About the wiccan rede.”

Willow nodded in understanding and explained for Buffy. “An’ it harm none, do what ye will.”

“I couldn’t disappoint my mom like that. I couldn’t be-betray everything she taught me.”

“If she could see you now, she would be very proud of you,” Buffy said. She brushed Tara’s hair away from her face. “I’m proud of you.”

Tara smiled and nodded her head, speaking softly. “I’m proud of me, too.”

“Well, everything seems okay here,” Willow said abruptly as she stood. “I’ll just go back to our room and, you know, get dressed and stuff. I’ve got a busy day and all. Gotta get cracking. Early bird catches the worm.”

“Will, it’s Saturday,” Buffy said with a smirk. Tara was smiling as well, both of them amused by Willow’s less than subtle exit.

“Oh, is it?” she asked, feigning ignorance. “Well, then I’m gonna go back to bed. Because Saturday is for sleeping in and what kind of college student would I be if I didn’t live up to the stereotype and sleep to noon on Saturday?”

“You’d be a slacker at being a slacker,” Buffy remarked.

“Can’t have that,” Willow said as she opened the door. “Bye.”

She made her exit, leaving Buffy and Tara alone. They sat in silence for a moment. Buffy simply stared at the interlaced fingers of their joined hands and smiled.

“I was, um, surprised you were still here,” Tara said. “You know, I figured you’d go back to your room.”

“Ah, but leaving without saying goodbye just isn’t my style,” Buffy said resolutely. Then she smiled warmly. “You looked so peaceful. I didn’t want to wake you.”

“I’m glad you stayed.”

“I am, too,” Buffy said sincerely. “Plus, the thing with your dad. I would’ve hated for you to be alone for that.”

“You really made with the protective and defender-y stuff,” Tara commented.

“That’s me,” Buffy said. “Protective and defender-y is my specialty.”

“I couldn’t have…” Tara closed her eyes and swallowed back the emotions that were threatening to rise back up. “If you hadn’t been here, I don’t think I could have done that.”

They made eye contact and just stared into each other for a long while. Tara’s eyes spoke volumes to Buffy. Every emotion, every memory, every thought. Buffy could see a fire in those eyes that nobody else had ever seen. She was so much more than the shy young woman that occasionally stuttered when nervous or frightened. Buffy saw that in Tara as she leaned forward and their lips met. They had kissed twice before, but each time, one of them hadn’t been prepared for it. During Tara’s recovery period up until this first date, Buffy had been too anxious to try it again. Tara was too afraid of rejection still.

This time, they both knew it was going to happen. They were both ready for it, as if they had known about it for days. And perhaps they did. On some level, they had both felt it coming.

---

A week later Tara sat at the Bronze, the music vibrating through her as she sat and watched Buffy and the others on the dance floor. They were having a group night out in celebration of Tara’s first cane-free day. It occurred to Buffy after their arrival at the Bronze that dancing was probably not the best way to celebrate the success of someone who wasn’t completely mobile with her legs just yet. But Tara simply kissed her lightly and promised that it was fine. Being out with friends was all that mattered to her. If she had to sit and watch them dance, she would sit and watch them dance.

“Hey, Tara, you doing okay over here? One is the loneliest number,” Xander said as the song ended and the group joined her at the couches that they had all claimed. He and Anya plopped down next to each other and retrieved their drinks from the table. Oz and Willow sat together on the other couch. “Or so I hear.”

“I’m fine,” she said with a smile. She looked up when Buffy grabbed her hand and tugged on it to get her to stand.

“Come on. You’ve been lounging around here long enough,” the slayer said, pulling Tara to her feet.

“Buffy, I can’t dance yet,” she protested. But she heard the song as Buffy shook her head.

“Slow song. You can do a slow a song. Minimal movement required.”

“I don’t know, Buffy,” Tara said, reluctantly moving along with Buffy out to the dance floor.

Now her apprehension was less about her leg and more about the fact that she hadn’t ever slow danced in public. Buffy didn’t seem worried about it at all. It was just as if it was the most normal thing she could ever do. Tara was worried, probably because she knew what kind of backlash they could get from being so open. They had walked holding hands. They had stolen kisses here and there. But they had never done something so obvious as dancing together in front of strangers.

Buffy turned to face her and moved her hands to Tara’s waist, pulling her close. Tara slowly rested her hands on Buffy’s shoulders and then rested her arms on them, linking her hands behind Buffy’s neck. All the while she glanced nervously at the others on the dance floor.

Dear my love, haven't you wanted to be with me
And dear my love, haven't you longed to be free
I can't keep pretending that I don't even know you
And at sweet night, you are my own

Take my hand
We're leaving here tonight
There's no need to tell anyone
They'd only hold us down
So by the morning's light
We'll be half way to anywhere
Where love is more than just your name

“Hey, what’s wrong? You’re almost as tense as Giles gets when he runs out of tea...or scotch,” Buffy said with a smirk.

Tara chuckled lightly, but didn’t seem to relax much. She noticed another couple—a guy and a girl—who were watching the two women together. The guy looked very interested and the girl looked uneasy. Then the girl saw how interested her partner was and shoved him back. She shot an angry look at him before walking off the dance floor. The embarrassed guy chased after her, realizing he had made a big mistake.

“People are watching us,” she said. There was another couple on the dance floor looking at them. There were a few people at tables elsewhere that were watching as well. “And they don’t look happy for us.”

I have dreamt of a place for you and I
No one knows who we are there
All I want is to give my life only to you
I've dreamt so long I cannot dream anymore
Let's run away, I'll take you there

We're leaving here tonight
There's no need to tell anyone
They'd only hold us down
So by the morning's light
We'll be half way to anywhere
Where no one needs a reason

Buffy looked around and shook her head. Then she looked Tara in the eyes.

“Let them watch. We’re not doing anything wrong.”

“I know we’re not doing anything wrong,” Tara said with a sigh. “But people still...they might, you know, disagree...violently.”

“Then they’ll have to disagree with me,” Buffy said resolutely. Tara didn’t look comforted by that. “Hey, I made you a promise. Before I even knew what a fantastic kisser you are.”

That got a broad smile from Tara. She looked over toward the couches and saw four faces that weren’t disgusted or curious or shocked. They were happy. They were watching Buffy and Tara dance, and they were happy for them. That’s all Tara needed to see before she looked Buffy in the eyes again.

Forget this life
Come with me
Don't look back, you're safe now
Unlock your heart
Drop your guard
No one's left to stop you
Forget this life
Come with me
Don't look back, you're safe now
Unlock your heart
Drop your guard
No one's left to stop you now

“I promised I would never let anyone hurt you like that again. Ever,” Buffy continued. “So let ‘em watch. If voyeurism is their thing, we can give ‘em a show.”

Tara smiled as Buffy pulled her closer, their hips touching as they swayed with the music.

“I think dancing is enough,” she said.

Buffy smiled in triumph as she watched Tara’s tension visibily disappear. For the rest of the song, their eyes remained locked. As far as they were concerned, they were the only ones on the dance floor. Nobody else mattered.

We're leaving here tonight
There's no need to tell anyone
They'd only hold us down
So by the morning's light
We'll be half way to anywhere
Where love is more than just your name

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