Sorry I Never Told YouBy Mys
//Sorry I never told you//
//All I wanted to say//Xander turned around on his bed, and clenched his fists tighter around the blanket than they had been anyway. He hated this. Hated to wait, hated to think, hated to be so useless.
*They took him away, and I couldn't do a damn thing about it.*
He sighed heavily. He knew that this didn't help either but what was he supposed to do?
He rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling of the basement. He followed the cracks that led from the backside door to the stairs. It was a wonder that damn ceiling hadn't come down yet. Maybe it would soon, then this waiting could be over.
*We should have known that they would come back someday. They had unfinished business, right? Why were we that stupid?*//And now it's too late to hold you//
//Cause you've flown away, so far away//Xander pushed himself up into a sitting position, his view blurry from the tears that he didn't quite understand. Yeah, he liked the blond menace. He had lived with him for so long now, and somehow they had become friends. But there hadn't been one single day where he hadn't wished Spike to fall down on a splint and stake himself.
But then again there had also been so many days where the two of them had just had fun. Real fun. Male bonding fun, like watching TV together or playing pool over a couple of beers. Although Xander had never understood Spike's obsession with 'Passions', a stupid chick-show, Xander had watched it anyway. Because Spike had liked it. Because Spike had brought beer. Because Xander liked beer. And to be honest, because he liked spending time with Spike.//Never had I imagined//
//Living without your smile//In the course of time he had got used to Spike. Used to having him around. Not that he thought of him as convenient. Not at all. More like… appropriate, as if he belonged here. Yeah, the blond hated him. But he was evil. He was supposed to feel that way, so Xander figured his behavior was okay. He could live with it. Spike took what he needed from their relationship, namely: a bed (well, a chair, but who was he to be so petty?), blood and a
suitable microwave to heat it, and every now and then a good fight when Buffy needed his help…
Xander took, what he needed as well. In his case it was to have someone around him. Someone who liked him, or could pretend to like him at least. A friend. Or someone, who came close to being a friend. Ever since he had to kill Jessie there had been no one there for him anymore. Of course, there were still Buffy, Willow, Giles… but they weren't the ones who could fill the empty space in his heart. He loved them. All of them. Each in his own way. Buffy as a utopia he would never reach, Willow as his best friend since their sandbox-time, Giles as a the best father-compensation he could think of. But there had been something about Spike, that had made him different. More important, in a strange way. Maybe it was because he could take some insults. Or maybe because he could shoot them back twice as hard (when ever they came). Or maybe because Spike always said, what he was thinking, no matter, how injuring it was. Maybe because of the fact, that he was always right, with what he said (although Xander would never admit that to him). But how often had the blond hit the nail (to Xanders coffin) right on the head. He could see right through Xander and was able to see that behind all the 'coolness' and 'not caring' attitude he was feeling the opposite way. It didn't matter, what it was about. Buffy, not taking him along on patrol. Giles, sending him to go and get coffee while the others fought or about something Willow said. His lovely Willow who always wanted to make everything right. Who always cared so much. Treated him so good. But not even she saw, that he had changed. That he had grown up. Only Spike seemed to notice.
Xander stood up and started to pace through the room. He thought about the events three nights ago. He had had an arguement with Spike about… *I don't even remember, what it has been about. Must have been reeeeally important then…*
Even his inner voice was dripping with sarcasm as he thought about it. Anyway, Spike had taken off, mumbling something about 'going out' , 'kicking demon ass' and 'bloody moron'.
*The latter would be me… was still me… I *am* a bloody moron!*
Xander came to the sink and saw a mug that had been there for 4 nights.
"Damn!" *We argued about him, never rinsing his mugs. And he left, angry at me for getting into his face for such a petty thing and I wanted to apologize for pissing him off. I wanted to say, that he should be careful out there. But I didn't. I pressed my lips together and bit my tongue, cause I didn't want to give him the success of giving in to his childish behavior.*
Xander watched the teardrop that hit the edge of the mug and slowly made it's way down the side over the written 'I'm a creature of the night… and nothing without my coffee in the morning'. Xander had bought it for Spike under the pretense that it was disgusting to use the same mugs for coffee, tea *and* blood. In reality he had bought it because he had figured Spike might like it. Spike had never used another mug afterwards.
When Spike hadn't returned in the morning, Xander had thought, that he might be stuck somewhere waiting for the sunset, cause he hadn't made it home in time.
*Home? Well, yes… home. This was Spike's home. He wasn't *just* invited, he was welcome here… maybe I should have shown him that more often…*
When he hadn't returned after sunset Xander had got scared that something might have happened to Spike. After the third night he had told Buffy about Spike's disappearance and asked her to find something out about it. She had gone to Willy's, had beaten the crap out of him and had learnt that the Initiative had gotten their hands on him… again. And that this time, they wouldn't let him escape. They probably wouldn't let him stay alive,
either.
Xander fidgeted as he heard a loud noise in the silent basement and shuddered when he noticed, that it was his own sobbing.
*Buffy's on her way to save him. Buffy can and Buffy will.*
He sobbed again, roughly and dryly.
*And I'm just waiting here, like the Zeppo I am. Useless. Always more in danger myself than helping.*
His knees buckled and he gave in and slid down to the floor, his back resting on the cupboard underneath the sink.
*Why didn't I stop him from walking out? Why didn't I do a damn thing to stop him?*
Xander kicked the leg of the kitchen table he could reach. The dishes clattered, two fell down, hit the floor and burst into little pieces.
Xander looked up and saw the burning candle on the desk. A locator spell Willow had done. As long as it burnt, Xander would know that Spike was still alive. The flame flickered dangerously, but remained burning.
"I'm sorry…" he whispered, voice broken.
"I'm so sorry."//Feeling and knowing you hear me//
//It keeps me alive//---
//Alive//
Spike opened his eyes attentively.
He winced and blinked a few times. Bright. Too bright. The white paving tiles reflected the artificial light all too well and the padded white walls weren't any better either.
^^White? Bright light? A feeling as if every bone in my body is broken? Maybe I'm dead…er. Maybe I'm in heaven? Maybe I'm crazy because since when are there padded walls in heaven? But then again, I was never actually there… maybe there are. Do vampires go to heaven? Does heaven exist? If yes, is that a heavenly blood bag? …blood bag? Oh, good morning brain, nice you already caught on to what's going on around you… now shut up^^
Spike rolled onto his stomach, every movement accompanied with moaning and wincing. Then he pulled himself up into a kneeling position. He reached for the bag, opened it and sniffed suspiciously. The drugs in it would have been noticeable for everyone, even a human. Those Initiative guys could make up a micro chip and put it in a master vamp's brain but they couldn't invent odorless drugs. Or maybe they didn't even care. Maybe they figured, that once a vamp is desperate enough to bite himself he would also drink *that*.
Spike tossed the open-ripped blood bag into a corner and crawled over to the wall, watching the red liquid dripping onto the white floor.
^^Bad puppy, I'm getting my kennel all dirty.^^
He shrugged casually, wincing as the pain let stars explode in front of his eyes.
^^Yes, definitely broken bones there.^^
He tried to remember some of the latest events. He had had a fight with the boy ^^wince^^ and had gone out to beat something up and the next thing, he remembered was a buzz and then he had blacked out ^^again: wince!^^ He remembered waking up several times and blacking out again from the pain. His body demanded sleep for the healing process.
^^So why has my body not healed already?^^
He frowned and breathed deeply, trying to calm the aching pain and the need for sleep, until he could concentrate enough to remember each time he woke up. The pain he had felt wasn't from old wounds. No, they had beaten him up each time he had woken up.
^^Isn't that lovely. Humans can be so… human. They take something, break it, make it defenseless and then they beat the crap out of it for their own satisfaction.^^
Spike sighed, closed his eyes and waited for the soldiers to reappear. Not much he could do until then but think about his stupid childish behavior towards Xander that had led him here in the first place.
---
Xander had barely managed to stop his trembling, which had started as a wind gust from the open window made the candle-flame flicker.
Willow had told him, that the candle couldn't be blown out by wind or anything else, as long as she was holding the connection between it and the vampire, but that didn't really make it easier for Xander to watch the only indication he had that his vampire was still alive, grow weaker.
*Yes, *my* vampire. My vampire, my friend and maybe one day my lover. I don't care if this is crazy, it's true and it's right. And I'm going to tell him when he's back… well, maybe I'm just going to show him… a little.*
Xander winced. He was a coward. But he really wanted to. Wanted to show Spike, that he would be there for him, when Spike needed him. That he wouldn't push him away, like everyone else in the vampire's life had.
*Well, just if he wants to come near enough to me, that I *could* push him away. Maybe he doesn't want to…. But even that would be fine. I managed to get over Buffy, didn't I? Even just having him as a friend without the shagging part would be fine… wait, shagging? Damn, I have *so* lost it!*//Darling I never showed you//
//Assumed you'd always be there//Xander looked around the basement and his gaze fixed on the chair. *His* chair. The basement really looked empty and lost like this. Funny that he had never noticed that, before Spike had moved in. He had been lonely. He had never brought his friends home, because of his parents and his parents hardly ever came down. Mostly he just saw them, when they collected the rent. It was nice having someone here. Or, 'had it been' nice? Once again
sobbing filled the room, before Xander calmed down.
*The candle's still burning, the candle's still burning, the candle…* He chanted repeatedly.//I took your presence for granted//
//But I always cared//*I really should try to make it more comfortable for him. Maybe if I put a bit money away every month I could buy something like a cheap sleeping-couch for him.What? I *do* care! Yeah, I tied him up at the beginning, but wouldn't you? I mean, I read the watcher-diaries, I knew everything about his bloody reputation (literally speaking!) and I saw him fighting and nearly winning against Buffy more than once. Often enough to know, that he was more than our 'average vampire'. Often enough to be scared shitless. And wouldn't you be a bit tense having someone like him around? Well, I was… but after I got used to him and stopped tying him up, I relaxed. Maybe it was, because I started to notice, that he had interests, likes and dislikes,
like me. Favorite food (even if he just used food to gross me out while dipping it in blood.. and can I say 'ewww'?), most hated movies (did you know, that you can piss off a vampire when you force him to watch 'interview with a vampire'? I do… yay me!) and even favorite clothes… Ok, mostly he just told me about them, to remark the fact, that he hated my taste in fashion (I still see nothing wrong with my clothes, but, anyway…).
Maybe it was the fact, that he sometimes talked in his sleep.
I think, it happened, because he had relaxed enough around me, to let his guard down. I'm not sure, though. But one night I woke up to the sound of a quiet whimper. I got up to check on him. He mumbled something, I couldn't make out, what it was. What would I give for vampire-hearing… but I noticed, that it didn't sound too happy, so I touched his shoulder, trying to wake him. He flinched, as I touched him. He looked so scared, so
vulnerable. I think I never saw him like that before. Whatever he was dreaming about, it hurt him, and I just wanted to stop it so I kneeled beside the chair and tried to soothe him, running my fingers through his hair and down his neck. Eventually he relaxed, leaned into the touch and… well, I don't know, but it sounded like the purring of a cat. Probably a vampire thing.
I made sure, that he was alright and went to take a blanket out of my closet. I wrapped it around him and went back to petting his head. Damn, I think I nearly sat there for half an hour, before I got up, kissed him on the forehead and went back to bed.*//And I miss the love we shared//
*What? You're shocked that I kissed him? Well, what do you think did I do the rest of the night? Sleep? Not very likely. I think I lay awake in my bed for two more hours, anxiously awaiting movements from Spikes' chair. I wanted to know, if he was awake. If he had noticed, that I had kissed him. He didn't move, and he didn't whimper again and at one point I fell asleep. We didn't talk about it the next morning. We just went on, like nothing
had happened, and it didn't happen again. Although sometimes I lay awake in bed, listened to his non breathing and waited for him to have nightmares, so I could soothe him again… (yeah, I'm pathetic like that)---
^^They are here again. Maybe they'll go away, if I close my eyes and pretend I'm asleep, comatose, dead… what ever.^^
As the first blow hit Spike he forced his body, not to flinch. Maybe they would go away, maybe they would leave him be, maybe they would…The second contact was a kick in his ribs and he could hear them break. More hear than feel, cause most of his body didn't react to the pain anymore. Still, light exploded behind his eyes and he smelled the blood, felt it soak into his torn shirt, heard it dripping onto the floor. He didn't care. Didn't pay
attention anymore. He could feel how he fell. He fell back into himself. Into that place, where he was safe, where there wasn't any pain. Where a warm trembling hand was stroking his hair.
The next kick hit him.
^^Bright, so bright. Like sunlight. But without the pain.^^
A fist on his jaw made him wince and he spit blood onto the white floor.
^^Well, maybe not entirely without pain. But different pain. Only coming from the outside. No real pain. I can shut down, and ignore that. I can tune out of this room…^^
As the next military boot came crushing down on his already broken knee, he didn't flinch anymore. His voice reacted, where his body was too weak. He whimpered.//Although the sun will never shine the same//
//I'll always look to a brighter day//^^Sunlight, and happy thoughts and a heartbeat…^^
As one of the soldiers slapped him across the face to bring him back to consciousness, Spike was thinking of a warm hand caressing his neck. As he felt the holy water being poured over him, he pretended it to be the heat from the warm blanket that was wrapped around him. This was his nightmare and his most beautiful dream all in one. He had never stopped dreaming about the experimental laboratory, had never stopped hearing the voices of the
soldiers in his ear, had never stopped waking up in the middle of the night, bathed in sweat, trembling with fear. He was a master vampire, belittled to a valueless, whining, defenseless creature by humans.
And it had been a human to bring him back from there. A human, who spent most of the time, belittling himself, not knowing, how valuable he was. It had been this human, who had chased his fears away. Who had shown him, that he was, indeed, worthy. Worthy being held. Worthy being caressed. Worthy being cared for. Probably worthy being loved. And he would never find out. He had kept his eyes closed that night. Afraid, opening them would scare the boy away. Afraid, opening them would prove, that it was just a dream.//Sorry I never told you//
//All I wanted to say//^^A heartbeat, and chocolate, and sunlight and tanned skin, which I will never be able to touch, to stroke, to tickle, to caress, to kiss, to taste…^^
Spike licked his lips, felt the blood on his tongue. Not knowing, if it came from outside or inside. Not caring either. He heard the steps on the white tiles approach him.
^^All I should have done was open my eyes, look at him and ask him to stay.^^
Another slap across his face and he spat more blood onto the floor. As his head stopped spinning around, he opened his eyes. The smile, that had been on his face vanished. It wasn't Xander standing beside him. The last thing Spike saw was one of the soldiers, hovering a few inches over his bloody,
sticky body, a stake in his left hand.//Lord I know when I lay down to sleep//
//You will always listen as I pray//---
On the other side of the town, a red headed witch passed out in the arms of her ash blond girlfriend who held her bruised and abused body tightly to her own, and wiped the tears from the exhausted face.
---
Xander stared at the candle, not really seeing it. The tears were now freely rolling down his face, down his chin and dropping onto the floor. The only sound in the basement for a long, long time was the sobbing of the brunette boy who was cowering in the corner of his kitchen, shedding tears over the ending of his beloved blond vampire.
*He never knew, that he was. Loved, that is…. Cause I never told him.*
His gaze followed the smoke coming from the burnt candlewick, losing itself somewhere in the basement.
*Where might he be now? Does he hear me? Does he know…?*//And I know you're shining down on me from Haven//
//Like so many friends we've lost along the way//*Does he know, that I loved him?*
Xander lost himself in another wave of shuddering sobs.//Feeling and knowing you hear me//
//It keeps me alive//He raised his gaze to the ceiling and whispered hushed "I love you".
//And I know eventually we'll be together//
//One sweet day//Continue