Nowhere To Go, Somewhere To Be

By Mys

//Kill me dear because I'm weak//

Spike leaned against the closed basement door and let the cold night air dry his damped face. He caught himself taking a deep shaky breath and scolded.

^^Way to show that you're an evil not-caring vampire.^^

He pushed away from the door and started walking.

But where to go?

^^Harmony's probably still in the crypt and she might even take me back. I mean, I tried to stake her only once, she won't still be angry, will she?^^

He winced but kept walking.

He knew he couldn't go to the crypt to stay there over night, and he couldn't go back either. But there was always a place he could visit.

He walked slightly faster and pushed every thought that threatened to demand space in his mind down till he would be plastered enough to deal with it.

---

"Give me another"

Spike didn't look at Willy and Willy didn't look at him. Both knew Spike wasn't welcome here anymore. Both had silently accepted that he was here anyway and that they might have to deal with the consequences. Spike didn't really care, unlike Willy. The young bartender saw the looks on his other customers' faces. The fact that Spike had been captured again by the Initiative and might get eavesdropped or even worse wasn't what upset them the most. It was that the vampire had gotten rescued by the *Slayer*. That he already was in such good condition again although they had seen the blond girl carrying Spike's limp and beat up body just one night ago.

That he smelled of human.

Spike lay 20 dollars on the bar table and snatched the bottle of J.D. away from Willy before he could pull away. A short glance upwards, a lingering look down never quite meeting the other's eyes and Willy gave a short nod and walked away to serve a pissed-off-looking Snook'te Demon.

Sometimes he really asked himself why he was doing this job at all. He wasn't exactly into pain and he still remembered the last time the Slayer had been here. Or Angelus.

He shuddered. The thought still gave him the chills.

Some might believe that with the soul the demon was tamed. He knew better. It rattled even more furious in his cage and he surely wouldn't want to be there when it was set free again.

With a shrug he turned towards the Snook'te.

At least the money wasn't bad.

Spike gulped down the contents of the glass without really tasting it and poured himself another one.

He knew he was broken and still not drunken enough not to care. But he was on his merry way and gave his best to make the trip a short one.
The 20 dollars had been everything he had been able to scare out of an old lady earlier. He wondered that the soldiers hadn't taken it out of his duster.

^^Would suit those bastards^^

That they hadn't bothered to take his duster off at all as they… he winced.

^^It's not like I can't stand pain. Angelus and Darla had made sure of that.

Oh, and just *how* sure…

No, it's the bloody fact that those bloody *humans* beat me to a bloody pile of minced meat in that bloody, soddin' -^^

The shattering of glass rang loudly throughout the bar as Spike threw his glass at the wall across the room.

Willy eyed the demons in the bar warily but they didn't seem to be in a fighting mood cause they just growled at Spike and he snorted back as he grabbed over the counter for a new glass.

//I've never felt so much//

^^It's because the slayer saved my ass and Xander took me home.

It's because he put me to bed.

It's because he spoon-fed me like a soddin' baby…^^

Spike glared at his not-existing reflection in the mirror before dropping his head onto the bar.

^^It's because I liked it.

It's because we kissed.

It's because he made me feel safe^^

He growled low in his throat but it came out weak. He knew it was true. He had felt like shit but as Xander had petted his hair, as those lips had touched his own, as he had felt the heat radiating from the youth's body… all the thoughts of killing and maiming every human on this planet had gone…

^^Till I tried to bite him of course…^^

The blond groaned and filled his glass again.

//Kill me dear because I'm the dark//
//Lurking in your big red heart//

^^It shouldn't affect me that I tried to bite him. I'm a fucking vampire after all. It's what I do! I take. I kill. And I turn, if I want to.^^
Spike sadly shook his head.

^^Why does that strike me as a big, pathetic lie? When was the last time I've been able to kill someone? When was the last time I've even thought about it?^^

//I treat you bad sometimes I know I've been wrong//

^^So why did I try to bite the whelp? Why should I even *want* to bite him? I didn't mean to kill him. No matter if I like it or not, his basement's the only place I have at the moment.

But I sure as hell don't want to turn him. I can't even stand him. The time I had to spend with him in the basement had been bad enough. I *really* don't fancy having him around for eternity!^^

Spike constantly ignored the taunting voice in his head.

The voice that kept asking him why the last thing he saw, as he thought the soldier guy would kill him, had been warm brown eyes. And why he had wished to spend just one more evening on the boy's couch, watching those stupid cartoons he seemed to love so much and to listen to his laughter.

//Our love can be sick and tiring but I'm not the only one//

A shiver ran down Spike's spine, as he thought about the day before.

^^And what did he expect me to do as he kissed me, anyway? He knows what I am. He probably knows more about vampires than I do. Heard he snooped around in the watcher diaries. Read the stuff he shouldn't have. Smart brat he is, I give him that.^^

An insecure smile played around Spike's lips.

//Take me where I have to be//

^^Never would have figured him to lie to the watcher. Well, never would have figured him having the hots for the un-dead either. Seems like there's more to him than I would have guessed… And he seemed to be willing to let me know.^^

Spike grabbed for the bottle and refilled his glass once again. As Willy dared to look at him sideways with a shake of his head and a 'don't you think you had enough?'-look the only thing he received was a snarl.

^^He started the whole thing. He kissed me, not the other way around.^^

Spike's view already was a bit blurry, so he skipped from gulping to sipping his drink. He still wasn't drunk enough to forget everything but already tipsy enough to think about it.

^^Didn't the boy always hate vampires? Him being one of the goods and everything? Does that mean, he accepted what I am?^^

//I used to think you would//

^^Doesn't really matter if he did or not now, does it? I tried to bite him. And I have to stay away from him just in case he didn't get it and still wants… whatever he wanted. Because the youth probably doesn't even know what he's getting himself into… and God do I need a drink, I sound like my brooding pouf of a wanna-be-Sire^^

Spike snarled and in contrary to his intention slammed the rest of the drink down enjoying the burning that heated his throat.

//Take where the dreams we used to have//

^^Yeah, I do like him. It's admirable how he gets kicked down again and again and still stands up. Not just by demons in a fight. His friends aren't any better. Treat him like shit, don't they? And the few hints I got while living in his basement? Doesn't seem like his parents are some of the nicer side, either.^^

A flesh of yellow mixed with the icy blue of Spike's eyes, as he thought about Xander's parents.

//Push it against the wall//
//Into the time with pain slice up out healed hearts//

^^I heard them yelling at him. Ordering him around. Telling him what he has to do. The best would be to just get him out of there and… ^^
Another glass joined the first on the wall, as Spike realised what he was thinking about.

//The fire will burn you but I have to die//

^^None of my bloody business right? I stay away from him, he gets on with his life. Why do I even care? That's right, I don't. I don't care if he's fine. I don't care if his parents order him around. I don't care if they…^^

"Come on, out with you. You had your fair share for tonight."

"Piss off!"

Willy caught Spike's arm as the blond waved him of and lifted him out of the chair.

"Closing hour. Just go home."

He walked Spike over to the door and although the vampire would have had no problem to overpower him he knew there was no point in risking setting the chip off. It wasn't like he had planned to stay here anyway.

But where did he want to go?

"I don't…" Spike swayed dangerously and had to steady himself by holding onto Willy. He looked up and for the first time he made eye contact with the human.

"I don't have anywhere to go."

Willy just rolled his eyes and manoeuvred him out of the door.

"That's really not my problem. There are good hotels around. Go, find a room and get some rest."

He closed the door but reopened it with a smile and cheered. "And remember to come back."

Hey, a Spike who tried to drown his sorrows in alcohol meant money, right?

Then the door bashed close again.

Spike took a moment to get the world into focus and breathed deep to sober up a bit.

After a moment he burst out into hysterical giggles.

"Back where I started again. In front of a closed door with no place I could go to. Loopy much?" He considered what he had said, and frowned. "Or was that 'in a loop'? Oh, who cares? Fuck off!"

He flipped a non-existent person beside him off and started to giggle again.

"Boy, you are so completely plastered!"

//Somewhere we lost our path//

Spike started to stumble in the first direction his feet moved.

^^Just go with the flow, right?^^

He hoped that the old factory still would be deserted since it was the only place he could go to. Or better said, the one place he hoped to remember how to find.

//Somehow we lost our love//

^^Or I could just go back to the basement and beg for the boy to take me in again.^^

Spike snorted.^^Yeah, he would surely like that. Having the Big Bad begging on his knees. That's what they all want, right? Let's put the vampire in the bathtub. Let's chain him up. Let's mock him 'cause he can't bite anymore. Let's let him beg for his blood and when he doesn't play nice we just threat to stake him.^^

//Our hangman will wait until the end//

Spike snarled as he noticed he was walking in the direction of Xander's basement. He stopped dead in his tracks.

No way was he going back there.

^^I'm a Master Vampire for fuck's sake, I can take care of myself and I'm not apologizing for biting someone.^^

He turned around and stalked off the other way.

^^There's no sense in apologizing anyway.^^

"Sorry I wanted to kill you. Wasn't meant like that. Take me back?"

Another uncontrolled giggle-wave burst free and woke a startled derelict who had been sleeping next to a dust bin and was now trying to get on his feet and away from the slightly psychotic guy next to him.

Spike didn't even notice.

//Our hangman will smile he knows you can//

^^No way am I giving him the chance to stake me right here and now by going back tonight. If he wants to, he will have to come looking for me.^^

//There is no need to let me slip by//

Spike walked faster now. The alcohol didn't daze his vampire senses and he felt dawn coming. It wasn't far to the factory and he was willed to get there in time.

^^If anything is going to kill me than it's my boy.^^

A few minutes later Spike was standing in front of the building. He glanced behind him and saw the sun coming up.

^^See? Told you. It's not time for me. Not yet.^^

With that he kicked the door open and got inside.

---

//Make me feel closer…

Xander woke up at sunrise. Just out of habit 'cause he normally had to get up for work then. He glanced up to make sure, that the curtains were drawn shut and the upcoming sunbeams wouldn't harm anyone. Than he turned around to receive his morning snuggles from his vampire.

The bed sheets were crumpled, the pillow crinkled but the other side of the bed was empty.

Spike was gone.

…my grave//

 

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