Unspoken

By Mys

Xander sat up and looked around the basement. He knew immediately that Spike was gone. As sure as he knew that vampires don't use the bathroom but there was still a little hope left. Just something so he wouldn't have to admit that Spike was gone.

He looked at the half open bathroom door and after a minute he knew he would have to make sure that no one was in there before he really believed it.

"…"

*What the…?*

He mouthed a few more sentences without making any sound, then struggled out of the bed and raced into the bathroom, thoughts of the blond forgotten for a moment.

He slammed the door shut and leaned heavily against it. Water was dripping from the tap of the sink Xander had wanted to repair weeks ago and the sound seemed to be louder than it had ever been.

*I can do it. The tap can, too, so why shouldn't I?*

"…."

*Damn!*

Xander closed his mouth and let his head fall back against the door.

The dripping seemed to get even louder, filling the room, mocking him but he didn't really care anymore. At the moment he was more concerned with what had happened. Was happening… probably what was going to happen.

*Damn mojo-stuff. This must have something to do with magic… Oh god, maybe I have no lungs anymore?*

Xander panicked and his breath hitched ragged.

*Oh, ok. Lungs, working and panicking, that's fine…. Oh my gosh, maybe I don't have a mouth anymore. Maybe, maybe…*

He opened and closed his mouth and finally figured that if he could move it, he must have it.

*I could just make a step forwards and see, right?*

He took a deep breath and… didn't move.

*What if… what if I'm a demon? Who can not apparently speak. Or worse, what if I'm a… is there anything worse than a demon? Damn, why did I never pay attention when Giles tried to teach us something? Then I would at least know what kind of freaky thing I'm turning into*

Drip

Drip, drip

Drip

*Oh god, oh god ohgodohgodohgod. FISH! I'm turning into one of these crazy fish-thingies! The freaky steroid mixture substance liquid thing must have finally worked. I… wait*

Xander looked down at his hands, then down at the rest of his body.

*Good. No scales, no fish, right! Right?*

He closed his eyes and thought about his possibilities. Maybe if he stayed here long enough, whatever it was, would go away.

*Don't be such a coward and move your ass in front of the mirror… not literally speaking of course. That would be rather complicated cause the sink's in the way and the mirror is rather high… and if I go on like this I'll get reprimanded for time delay*

With another deep breath Xander made a step forwards, turned around and opened his eyes. He was still himself.

Surface-wise at least.

He wanted to yell and cheer.

"…"

*Damn, that looks stupid!*

A grin spread across the handsome face of the youth and he started to sing. The room remained silent. Xander started to clap his hands rhythmically and the sound echoed from the walls.

*Ok, ok. That's proof enough that I'm still loony. What's next?*

Xander screwed the tap shut as tight as possible cause the dripping was starting to drive him insane and left the bathroom. His gaze flickered over the phone.

*Danger on it's way? Call Buffy!*

He dialed and listened to the steady beep.

*Hey, maybe Buff should think about buying one of those red, glow-in-the-dark phones for her dorm so she could..*

A click in the line indicated that someone had answered the phone.

"…"

Xander looked confused for a minute, then blushed and put the phone down again.

*Good thing Spike wasn't here to see that.*

He frowned.

*No! No good thing. Not at all. If he was here to mock me he… well, he would at least *be* here *

//I think you do, then I think you don't//
//Maybe you will, maybe then you won't//

With a heavy thump Xander crushed down in his - *Spike's* chair, pulled his knees up to his chest and rested his chin on top of them.

*What went wrong? I didn't do anything to scare him away… did I? He seemed to like m-seemed to like *it*. Maybe I was really just a warm body hat happened to be there…*

The boy pinched the bridge of his nose.

The tears didn't fall although they wanted to.

*But why should he go? It's not as if he's Mr. Decent… Wouldn't that have been a perfect opportunity for him? Take the piss out of one of the Scoobies, and then tell the others about it afterwards?*

Xander constantly ignored the voice that told him that Spike wasn't like that anymore.

//Don't understand, baby, why you can't//
//Just call it quits if you can't commit//

*He *really* seemed to lik--*

Xander stood up with a sudden hurry, grabbed for his jacket and left the room.

*Right, distraction. There are more important things to do. Have to tell Buffy.*

He stopped in the doorframe, went back and grabbed a writing pad from his desk.

*Can't really 'tell' her now, can I? Right, so off we go. No more thoughts about evil bloodsuckers. World to save, voices to get back.*

Xander jumped as the door closed behind him, the sound of it unnaturally loud.

The world seemed perfectly normal. Xander could hear the birds sing and the neighbor's dog bark and he started to wonder if it was just him.

As he walked across the street he saw a policeman who tried to calm down a young lady and an older man who had a car accident and were now yelling at each other.

All perfectly non-verbal.

A small smile pulled the corners of his mouth up as a thought crossed his mind.

*I wonder how they will explain *that* in the news*

---

*Laryngitis??*

The puzzlement in Xander's face matched the one in his voice… mind… whatever! As he turned around to face his friends.

*After all that weird stuff that happens around here you'd think someone would finally admit that something about this town is majorly wrong…*

Buffy und Willow looked equally annoyed and disappointed. Anya just looked bored.

Buffy grabbed the writing board and after some scribbling she held it up for Giles to see.

-- Keep researching. I should be in town tonight --

She turned around to leave Giles' apartment without bothering long enough to answer his questioning look.

Xander turned around to see Giles dig through the books that were scattered all over his desk and there were even more on the floor.

*Yeah, research party. All quiet and concentrated. God that sucks!*

Xander slumped down on the couch and picked up a book.

*What are we looking for anyway?*

Turning around to face Giles who was standing next to the desk Xander first pointed at the book, then stretched his arms out and made a grimace to indicate that he had no clue what he was supposed to look for but Giles was already totally distracted with his notes and didn't notice him.

Xander shrugged, looked back at his book before looking up again as Anya sat next to him with a heavy sigh.

She had a writing-board and a pen in her hands and adjusted her shoulder-long hair, looking straight at Xander before she started to write.

*This *can't* be good*

Anya showed him the board with a more serious look on her face than Xander liked to see there.

-- We need to talk --

*Huh?*

Xander gave her a puzzled look, then rolled his eyes and mouthed a few words to prove that this was a senseless idea.

She easily ignored him cause she had deleted her opening statement and was already writing again.

-- What did you do with Spike? --

Xander's eyes widened in shock before he darted forward to snatch the board out of Anya's hands. He furiously cleared the sentence, carefully glancing over his shoulder to see, if Giles' had noticed it. Anya rolled her eyes in an exhausted manner and tugged on the edge of the board. Xander, hesitating for a moment, let it go and leaned over to see what she was writing now.

-- Why did you help --

She frowned and after a second thought she added

-- HIM? --

*Oh, right. *that* was what she had meant. Sure. It's not like she knows anything. Cause, honestly, there is nothing to know… is there?*

Apparently he hesitated too long this time as well cause Anya was already writing again. As Xander tried to get a look at the board she turned away, finished her sentence, and then put the board down on Xander's lap.

-- Do you still love me? --

He looked up and searched her face for any hint of what she wanted him to say. Or, for any hint of what he *could* say to her without crushing her. He stared at the board and took the pen in his fingers, uncapped it and… waited.

*Yeah, I still like her. Of course I do. But there's that thing - whatever it is - with Spike and if there is any chance that this might work out - which obviously isn't but I'm pathetic like that - then I want to try it cause… cause… God I don't know. Because he makes me feel things I've never felt before and because he has this gentleness he would never admit and because I still want to see him although he ran away without as much as a note and how am I supposed to explain all this to Anya? On a board?*

He started to write, then held it up for her to see.

-- Can't we talk about that when we can actually talk? --

The second 'talk' was underlined twice.

He really didn't want to tell her all the things he wanted to say, not like this, although he wasn't sure he would be able to explain them to her even *if* he could speak.

She gulped but took the board away from him again and with a slight tremble in her fingers she wrote:

-- Is there someone else? --

//I know what I want, I know how I feel//
//But I don't want your love if it ain't real, no//

Xander looked at the words. Back up at her. And down again.

Was there? Yeah, there had been, but was there still someone else? Could he tell her? Didn't she deserve the truth?

//I think it's time you made up your mind//
//Baby, what's your plan? I need to understand it//

He slowly nodded not meeting her eyes, and wrote.

-- I wanted to tell you. Then this happened… I'm sorry. --

She was up and out of the door before he could say - write - anything else.

*Well, at least I didn't have to hear her yell at me, right?*

Xander threw the writing-board at the wall and jumped at the sudden noise. He glanced at Giles who had knocked over a glass of water and now tried to save his soaked notes. He tried an innocent look and an apologetic smile before sinking back into the cushions.

*Did I really just dump my beautiful girlfriend who chose me to be the one to show her how to be human and to guide her in her new life for SPIKE? No, not just Spike, but Spike, who tried to kill us often enough that I stopped counting. Spike who happens to be a vampire. Spike who wasn't even there after the first night we spent together.*

He frowned.

*Oh god, I really spent the night with Spike. I really dumped Anya for him. I'm really serious about this… I really need to get out of here!*

He stood up and without much more than a wave of his hand he left, leaving a startled Giles alone in the apartment.

---

Xander was wandering through Sunnydale, not really knowing, where he wanted to go or what he wanted to do or why he still hadn't learnt that being out in Sunnydale at night really wasn't a smart thing.

But the cool silent night had always calmed him down. And now that the night really *was* quiet, he liked it even more.

//Are you gonna love me or leave me?//

And he had time to think about everything.

Yeah, he was sorry, that he had hurt Anya, and he really hadn't wanted her to find out like that but he knew, that this moment would have come sometime anyway. Better sooner than later. And he really was kinda glad that she hadn't been able to talk when she found out. God knows what kind of conclusions she would have made and blurted out in front of Giles.

*Well, she can still do that… hey, would it be such a bad thing if we never got our voices back?*

Xander turned right at the crossroad and walked a bit faster. He had walked too far out of the city than it was good for him and he really wanted to go home and get some sleep now. His thoughts were still racing and he hoped, once he was back at the basement, that he would be able to shut them out.

//Don't say that you need me//
//Not if you really want to let me go//

He knew there was nothing he could offer the vampire. No reason for Spike to want him. But he had been sure that Spike felt at least something for him. That it hadn't been only a game for the vampire. And if it had been, then Xander didn't understand the rules nor had he any desire to learn them.

//You don't know how much it hurts me//
//Show me some mercy//

As he walked past the old factory a shudder ran down his spine. The place was seriously creepy. No wonder Spike and Drusilla had liked it here.
He felt a sting in his heart as he thought of them together and hurried to get away from the dark place and home without looking back.

He didn't notice the figure in the shadows slipping out of his hideout to kill the lackey that had been about to attack the youth.

Didn't hear the crack as the vampire easily broke its neck and didn't notice as he slipped back into the shadows.

//Baby, just love me or leave me alone.//

---

They were all sitting in the lecture hall, exchanging worried looks after they had read about the boy that had been killed in his sleep last night. His heart had been abstracted.

Xander looked from Buffy to Willow and risked a short glance at Anya who was sitting two rows behind him, acting as if he hadn't broken up with her yesterday. As always, she just looked bored and munched popcorn.

Giles started the music and began with his slide show.

*Who is who?*

Xander looked back and forth between Giles, the foil, and the girls, until the watcher noticed that the foil was lying upside down.

*Fairy tales? Yeah, sure. What's next? The evil witch?*

-- What do they want? --

*What do they want? What does Giles want? Does that really matter? It seems like everyone has gone round the bend… even Willow. Why should those monsters want breasts? Don't look at me like that G-man, Willow said it! Oh! Hearts… *

Xander shrugged and smiled sheepishly before following Giles further explanations.

*Ok, now that's gross. Did he really need to paint that much blood around the poor boy? That could have been me… Oh my god, that really could have been me! I was out last night. Alone. I think I'm going to be sick. Ok, let's start to take the whole issue seriously*

Xander held up his writing board after scrabbling something onto it.

-- How do we kill them? --

Puzzled, he looked at Buffy.

*Why the hell should we wan- oh, we stake them. Of course. Sure. Good plan.* He looked back at Giles, who put up another foil. *Ok, no good plan.*

*A princess? Where the hell should we get a princess from? And why doesn't music work? Just because they had no electricity in those fairy tales doesn't mean they have to be immune against it. That's just not fair. And since when are Buffy's parents royal, anyway…Hehe, nice drawing, Giles, you really captured Buffy perfectly.*

---

Xander was walking through the city once again, a stake in his waistband.

*Yeah, I know I'm not a princess either but it's not as if I'd be of any help if I just wait in my room till they come and knock on my door, right? Giles said… wrote, that there are at least six of them. So many people had noticed them in different places of the city at the same time that there must be more than those two that passed his window yesterday night. And if there really are so many of them, they need something big to live in, right? And what's better than living in the old factory?*

Xander saw the factory and stopped in front of it. He grimaced and mouthed an "ewww" to amuse himself and to hide the fact that he was scared shitless.

*Well, pretty much everything's better than living in the old factory I guess and why did I want to do that on my own again?*

He frowned, then broadened his shoulders *right, because no one would have listened, if I had given them the tip*. He continued walking towards the building and carefully opened the door.

He stepped inside and the next thing he noticed was that he was pinned up against the wall, with a game faced vampire snarling at him, pointy teeth way too close to his throat.

Spike dropped him, stumbled a few feet away and stared at him.

"…"

Xander snickered. Yeah, probably not the best time to do that, angry vampire and all that, but seeing Spike gaping like a guppy didn't really give him a choice now, did it?

He stopped as he realized that he was really seeing Spike. As in, being in the same room and up close with him. And that Spike had no clue what was going on since he still tried to get some words out.

Xander tried to push his feelings aside. He wasn't willing to let Spike see how much he had hurt him and how insecure he was.

He shrugged, motioned to his throat and made a 'no air' gesture, hoping Spike would get it as the 'no word'-gesture it was supposed to be.

//You needed time, so I gave you that//

Spike frowned. Then smiled. Then turned away and back again. His mind was racing and he could say none of all those different little speeches he had prepared in case Xander came looking for him.

^^How did he find me anyway? And why is he out again? And why wasn't I out too, to keep him save? And why do I care?^^

//To figure out where your heart is at//

*Why is he looking at me like that? And why isn't he really looking at me? Why isn't he doing something? Why am I not doing something? And why am I not just leaving like he did?*

//What do you say? Do you go or stay?//
//Is it no or yes? I shouldn't have to guess if.//

Xander couldn't take it anymore and made a tentative step forwards. Spike regressed.

The sad expression that flickered over the youth's handsome face for a moment made Spike curse himself for being so stupid. For acting like his wanker of a sire. For hurting the boy.

//You're gonna love me or leave me//
//Don't say that you need me//

*Why doesn't he go if he wants to leave me?*

^^Why does he have this power over me?^^

*What if it really is just a game?*

^^Didn't I plan to stay away from him?^^

*Do I really care?*

^^Do I really want to go?^^

//Not if you really want to let me go//
//You don't know how much it hurts me//

A mist swirled through the room which all of a sudden prickled with magic.

Xander didn't notice and Spike didn't understand it but they both gasped for air as the mist appeared before them and sucked it in.

//Show me some mercy//
//Baby, Just love me or leave me alone//

Xander stared at Spike. He didn't understand his feeling for him. He had been angry and hurt and sad and happy. All at the same time and just because Spike was here, that all was forgotten? Just like that?

*Yeah, I guess. Just like that. I must have it really bad for him.*

He wished he could tell Spike all those things, wished he could explain them. Even to himself. But he couldn't. He probably never would be able to.

"Xander, I."

They were both startled as Spike's voice sounded through the factory.

*Damn, Buffy really is a princess.*

Now that they were finally able to talk again, what was there to be said?

With neither of them having the courage to say anything, they stood there in silence.

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