Broken Pieces

By Mys

*Come on, say something. Anything. Everything. I just can't take it any longer.*

But Spike just stood there and looked at him. What could he tell the boy? There was nothing that would explain his behaviour. At least nothing that wouldn't scare Xander away.

*Say something. Do Something. Go or stay but don't make me decide.*

And they looked at each other, wordlessly as if the spell hadn't been lifted already.

"Xander, I…" Spike tried again.

^^I was scared. I didn't want to hurt you. I wanted to go away but I couldn't. Couldn't stay away from you. Wasn't strong enough.^^

There were many ways to end this sentence but Spike didn't know what saying them out loud would mean. Didn't know if he could stand the chance of Xander turning away in disgust. Nor the other possibility, him staying.

But now he could find out cause Xander shook his head, turned around and walked towards the door. Apparently Spike had waited too long. He stared at Xander's back and bore down the urge to run after him.

As Xander paused in the doorway Spike nearly didn't hear the hushed question but he could make out the sad and exhausted sound.

"You coming?"

"Why…" ^^Would you still want me?^^

Xander didn't turn around, just stood there, facing the exit.

"It will be dawn soon, won't it? And you've nowhere to go, haven't you?"

Before Spike could say anything Xander continued "If you prefer the bathtub, go ahead, I won't keep you away." And then he walked outside.

//Don't walk too close//

Despite his promise Spike hurried after the youth and fell in step next to him. They didn't talk, both lost in their own thoughts and scared of what feelings might come to the surface once they'd start talking.

*Why does he walk home with me, as if nothing had happened? Why doesn't he just go away? Why doesn't he just stay and everything can be like it has been before?*

Xander inhaled deeply, willing the tears away. He wouldn't give Spike another chance to humilate him.

//Don't breathe so soft//

Xander couldn't wait to get back to the basement. He wanted to get away from Spike and just sleep it out, whatever it was that made him so sensitive towards everything the vampire did. He just wanted to go to bed.

His mind blanked and he gasped. Spike looked at him inquiringly but Xander didn't notice.

The bed he had offered Spike to sleep in. The bed he *had* slept in with Spike. There was no way this would happen again, but Xander could bet that he wouldn't ever sleep *that* good and calm again either.

Spike ignored the little puffs of air coming from the brunette and he suppressed the need to ask what was wrong and he refused to admit that he could feel his heart break with every step he took.

As they got to the basement Xander opened the door and went in without looking back and after a hesitating pause Spike slipped in behind him through the already closing door.

"There's still blood in the fridge. You don't look as if you've eaten anything since…" Xander trailed off and Spike nodded his thanks. He strode over to the kitchen where the box was still standing on the floor. Spike picked up the mug in the sink and a blood bag, not really caring about heating it up cause he had indeed not eaten last night. He just wanted to tear it open with his teeth as he finally noticed which mug he was holding.

Not even vampire reflexes could save the mug from shattering into pieces as Spike dropped it and it crashed to the floor. The sound rang loud through the basement and Xander flinched and turned around.

//Don't talk so sweet//
//Don't sing//

Spike looked down at the pieces and could feel Xander staring at him, waiting for something. But what?

He crouched down on the floor and started to pick up the pieces. Without looking up he murmured "Xan. I'm sor - I just didn't pay attention and -"

"Whatever!"

With that Xander rushed into the bathroom, leaving the blond sitting on the kitchenfloor. Spike could hear the shower start and tried not to think of the boy standing under the spray.

He shrugged out of his duster, laid down on the chair, curled up into a reasonably comfortable position and folded his duster to use it as a pillow.

By the time Xander came out finished and dressed in his PJs to go to bed Spike was already asleep.

Xander walked over to the bed, lifted the covers and sat with his back against the headboard. He turned his head to the left so he could watch Spike.

//Don't lay, oh, so near//

*He looks like pure innocence when he's asleep. Things would be easier if he really looked like the demon he is.*

Xander remembered the few times he had seen Spike in full fight-modus. A whirlwind of black leather and pale skin, flying fists and well placed kicks, gleaming yellow eyes and glistening fangs.

Pure animal. Pure sex.

*Come on, just admit it. You needed three hours of working out after the last patrol where Spike took out three demons on his own just so you wouldn't pin him to the ground and screw him right there in front of your friends.*

Xander snickered as he imagined Buffy's face if he had really done it. Well, not *it*, Spike.

//Please don't let me fall in love with you, again//

Xander giggled but fell silent as he heard a sound coming from Spike. He tried to get a look on the blond's face to see if he was awake but it was buried into the duster like only someone who didn't need to breathe would be able to.

Xander wanted to shrug it off, thought he had misheard it, as it sounded again, unnaturally loud through the silent basement.

"Spike?"

Xander's voice trembled slightly and had a frightened cadence in it, that living on the hellmouth made you know better than you could ever want to.
But this time it wasn't a demon that caused it. Or, well yeah, it *was* a demon, but not one who wanted to rip Xander to pieces.

Or well, yeah, probably Spike wanted to rip him to pieces but not right now, probably not ever… and that really wasn't the point right now, was it?
The point was that after all what Spike had done Xander still cared for him, still couldn't see him hurt, still couldn't prevent himself from getting out of the bed and walking over to Spike.

He kneeled down next to the chair and tried once again to get a good look at the blond's face.

Spike was still murmuring under his breath and his voice was a frightened hush.

//Please let me forget//

Xander didn't want to think about the nightmares Spike was having. Didn't want to think about the people which were able to scare a Master Vampire to that state of vulnerability. Didn't want to think about what had caused his vampire such pain.

So he didn't think.

//All those sweet smiles//

He reached up and stroked his fingers over the blond hair.

As he started to crawl up the vampires neck, he saw the trembling in the blond's slender shoulders ease and the tension fled from the stiff body.

//All of the passion//

And once again the rumble of a soft purr sounded loud and soothing in the basement and as Xander slid his hand along Spikes jaw line and stroked down his chin and over his throat he could feel the vibration on his fingers.

//All of the heat, the peace, the pain//

"What did they do to you?"

Instead of an answer Spike pressed a bit more against the finger still resting on his throat, demanding to be petted again.

Xander smiled unhappily. He knew that the only reason Spike was cuddly like that was, that he had been hurt, that he still hurt and only if the hand that was touching him was gentle instead of threatening and brutal he could relax.

"Why won't you tell me what those bastards wanted from you? Maybe it helps to forget. Maybe it makes you feel better. Knowing that there's someone you can trust." He sighed and whispered. "Maybe it makes me feel better, knowing that you trust me."

//All those blue skies//

"Hmm, blondie? What do you say? Trust me?"

Xander slid his hand back around and onto Spike's neck where he started to play with soft hair, curling and uncurling it around his fingers.
He was in deep thoughts and didn't acknowledge immediately Spike's body stir.

//Where your words were my freedom//

Xander jerked his hand away as he saw Spike blink sleepily and finally focusing on him. Then he blushed and dropped his gaze to the floor.

*Why doesn't he say something? Should I say something? I don't know what to tell him, don't even know why I'm sitting here. I shouldn't be sitting here, shouldn't care, shouldn't want to wrap myself around him and keep the nightmares away. And yet I do.*

Xander finally found the courage to look up again and brown interlocked with blue.

//Please don't let me fall in love with you, again//

^^What did he do? Why did he stop? Why did I wake up? Why did I have to open my eyes? Why do I care?^^

Eventually, Xander looked up from the floor and at Spike. They stared at each other, transfixed.

^^Why does *he* care?^^

//Too many times//

*Why can he do this? Send hot and cold shivers through my body just by looking at me? Pin me down with those unbelievable blue eyes till everything I notice is only him? Show me how much I need him without as much as a word?*

//I cared so much//

*If he doesn't say anything soon I won't hold back any longer and just give in to the need to kiss him breathlessly. Or at least it would be breathlessly if he needed to breathe. Please say something Spike, I'm drowning here!*

//I stood on the edge//
//And saw that you held my hand//

And then the moment that had seemed to stretch out for eternity was over and Xander dropped his gaze and stared at his lap, at his hands which played with the edge of his shirt, at the floor he was still kneeling on and he started to scramble to his feet.

"I'll just go…" he trailed off with a wave towards the bed, never meeting Spike's eyes.

//And knowing too well//

"Xan…" and Xander felt the tentative touch on his wrist.

Not quite holding, just resting. Not forcing, asking.

And he turned around and was once again caught by the ice blue stare that met him.

//I couldn't hide from those eyes//

"I just…" and this time it was Spike's turn to look away, the shy embarrassment clearly written over his face that no one would have associated with the big, bad ass vampire he claimed to be. "Thank you."

And Xander again decided against thinking, discovering or questioning what had happened.

He caught the fingers which were still lingering on his wrist, brought them up to his face and for a short moment pressed his lips against them, then he let go and smiled at Spike.

"You're welcome." And almost as an afterthought he added. "Always."

As his new found braveness left him, he hurried upstairs without looking back and rushed through the door and into the kitchen upstairs.

//Please don't let me fall in love with you again//

The risk to stumble across his parents at this time of the night was far more appealing than to stay in the basement watching Spike sleep and dealing with the all too well known feeling that spread in his belly.

Xander sat down at the kitchen table after taking a glass out of the sink and the remaining bottle of orange juice out of the fridge.

"Way to show that you don't care, Xan-man."

He slumped further down in his chair, taking a sip from the glass every now and then, refilling it as soon as it was empty, pondering the situation he got himself into.

//Please don't let me fall please//

He didn't know exactly just how long he had been sitting in the kitchen but as the bottle was finally empty he knew that he couldn't delay going back to bed any longer. Silently he made his way down the stairs and around the chair where Spike seemed to be asleep again and back into bed.

//Please don't let me fall in love with you again//

But his bladder wasn't too happy about all the orange juice and as soon as he lay still on his back he had to get up again and silently made his way towards the bathroom.

He cursed under his breath so he wouldn't wake Spike up as he stepped onto something, slicing his left foot in the process. As he looked at the sole of his foot in the bright light of the bathroom he pulled a small shard out of the gash and noticed that it was from Spike's mug. He thought back to when Spike had let it fall onto the floor. That hadn't been next to the chair, had it? Curious he got out of the bathroom after he was finished and got on his knees next to the chair, on the opposite site as he had before. As he stroke his palm flat over the dark ground he caught another shard and saw the edge of Spike duster hanging down from the chair. Carefully he reached into the pocket and pulled two other pieces of the broken mug out of it. "creatu-" and "-ight and no-" could be read on them. Even more carefully he put them back where they had been and went to bed, snuggling down into the cushions with a small smile on his face.

Maybe there was still hope.

//Fall in love again//

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