Living ArrangementsBy Taltos
Chapter Twelve
My arm stretches across the bed reaching for Spike. Encountering emptiness, the events of yesterday slam into me. Recoiling in horror, I curl into a tight ball in the middle of my bed. Spike. My lover, my friend, my future. Gone. All of it, just gone, and then the betrayal seeps into me.
I feel the burn of hatred receding with a more pressing emotion. Need like I've never known washes through me. Scenes of Spike and I together crowd my brain, his pale body covering mine. His lips and hands touching me everywhere. I can't stop the whimper as stolen blood courses through me engorging my cock.
My body spasms from the tightly curled position into one of wanton abandon, face down, spread eagle. My cock pulses as it comes into contact with cool sheets. With no conscious thought I close my eyes and picture the last contact with Spike. Driving into him, his legs spread wide as he opened himself for me while pleading words fell from his lips.
Grinding my cock hard into the mattress I wonder briefly if I should be embarrassed about fucking an inanimate object. The thought is quickly erased by the immense pleasure flooding my body as I pull his pillow to my face and inhale deeply.
The smell of him sends orgasm pouring through me. I can't help screaming his name as I cum. For a few brief seconds I let lethargy flow through me. Disgust follows on its heels. Disgust at myself, disgust at Spike.
Stumbling to the shower I try to scrub off his scent and send it down the drain with the remnants of my orgasm. I don't remember how long I stayed there, scrubbing, until the sound of Buffy and Willow calling my name brings me back to reality.
"Shower." I yell to them over the rushing water.
My ears pick up the sounds of them settling themselves on the couch and turning on the TV. Neat little trick there, being able to hear so well. Neat! No, not neat, disturbing. It's getting harder and harder to hold onto the anger. Harder still to remember why I should hate Spike.
My cock twitches at the thought of his name and I glare down at the offending body part. What the hell is wrong with me? Wanting Spike is not a new feeling, but needing him like this is something I can't understand. My body is betraying my brain and I don't like it.
Dressing quickly I start into the living room only to be assaulted by fierce hunger. I gasp as I realize I was eyeing the pulse beating in Willow's neck as she turned to me. Running for the kitchen I feel my face shift. Grabbing two of the pint bags out of the refrigerator I try to remember how Spike always did this.
Okay, small hole in the bag to release the air, forty-five second on...hmm, high or defrost? Damn, why didn't I pay more attention? He was my lover for God's sake I should know how to do this. The bag falls from hand as the word lover registers in my brain.
Suddenly I'm spinning off into a world of fantasy. Black silk sheets, Spike glowing in candlelight as I dribble blood along his torso. My mouth lowering to that beautiful body as my tongue collects drops of scarlet.
"Let me help you."
Willow's voice breaks the spell and I stumble back to lean against the counter hiding my face from her. I don't want her to see me like this. A monster, something she despises.
After settling the bag in the microwave she turns to face me. I cringe even further from her.
"You don't have to hide from me, Xander. I don't want you to hide from me."
Her hands cup my checks and turn my head until our eyes meet. She traces the ridges along my nose and forehead with her fingertips. A sense of calm settles within me and I feel my face shift back to human. I take a deep breath of relief and the scent of Spike slams into me.
Willow is covered in his scent. I didn't notice before only because the entire apartment smells of him. But now, this close to Willow, it's sharper. More recent. Why? Why does she smell so strongly of him?
"Where have you been since last night?"
The tone of my voice startles her and she takes a step back. There's a part of my brain telling me that this is Willow. Willow, my best friend. Telling me to take it easy. I can't. I study her from head to toe looking for answers.
The ding of the microwave draws our attention. She turns away from me to grab a mug from the cabinet. It strikes me that she's very familiar with where the mugs are. She never drinks coffee when she's here, not even hot chocolate. She always drinks soda, from a bottle.
Spike is the only one who uses the mugs. How many times has she been here with him alone? How many times has she done this exact same thing for him while I was out or at work? How is it that she's so familiar with how to warm the blood she's so expertly pouring into a mug Spike used frequently?
The anger hits me from left field.
"You didn't answer my question, Willow. Where have you been?"
I see her shoulders tense and I brace myself for the lie.
"At home, with Buffy and Dawn."
She doesn't meet my eyes when she hands me the mug. She's lying. I can smell it on her. The cloying thick scent of deception burns my nostrils as I drink. My eyes follow her every move making her nervous.
I can tell by watching her that she's weighing her options. She pulls the corner of her lower lip into her mouth as she thinks.
"S-Spike came by last night. He-he wants to come by the apartment tonight and get some things so he asked me and Buffy to take you out."
"Really. He doesn't want me here? In my own apartment."
"He thought it would be better i-if he did it alone."
"Well that's just too bad. I'm not going anywhere. I want some answers so you and Buffy can just toddle along."
I wince slightly at the harshness of my voice but for Christ's sake they're conspiring with the enemy.
"Xander, we're just-"
"Trying to help. Yeah, I get it. I think you and Buffy should go."
"O-okay, but you'll call us if you need anything?"
I nod. I'm already distracted thinking of the confrontation between Spike and I. I didn't get the answers I wanted last night but I'll be dammed if he gets out of here tonight without telling me what I want to know.
After Buffy and Willow leave I turn off all the lights and sit on the couch to wait for Spike. To wait for my Sire.