Living ArrangementsBy Taltos
Chapter Fifteen
"Xander, open this door. We know you're in there. If you don't open the door by the time I count to ten I'm kicking it in and you get to explain it to your landlord."
I can hear Buffy counting through the door. Jesus, can't they just leave me alone. I don't want to see them. It's been two days since Spike left. I can't sleep, barely eat. It feels like a gaping hole has opened up inside my chest. Anger, fear and need constantly warring with each other in my head.
Sometimes the hate is so thick it drowns me and all I can do is rage for hours until I end up against a wall with my knees to my chest sobbing. I hear the key in the door and wait for the safety latch to give into Buffy's strength.
I hear the light switch being flipped. That one won't work. Busted that light ten minutes after Spike left. Don't need them, I can see perfectly. I see Willow testing each switch looking for one that works.
The kitchen light finally comes on and I hear both of them gasp.
"Oh my God, Xander. What the hell happened here? Look at all this."
I don't need to look, I know what the rooms looks like. Glass, furniture, pictures, knick knacks. All broken into tiny pieces of what used to be my life. All because of him.
"Willow, find the extra light bulbs and see if you can find a lamp that's not...broken."
I feel Buffy sit on the couch next to me. She reaches out to touch my hair and I flinch back. She smells so much like him. I want to hit her and then bury myself in her arms just to smell him. Christ, I'm a fucking mess.
"Xander, what happened? Did Spike do this?"
"I did it."
I leave out the part about the mind-blowing sex that has my stomach clenched in knots. I leave out the part where, when I finally do find sleep, I wake up hard and aching, reaching for him. He said it would stop but it's only worse.
I can see Willow digging through the rubble looking for a serviceable lamp.
"There's one in his old room that probably isn't broken."
Willow comes back with the lamp and sets it on floor since the end tables are pretty much kindling now. Shoddy craftsmanship at it's best. Willow’s hand rests on my shoulder as she kneels in front of me.
"Xander, please, talk to us. What happened?"
"He promised me, Will. He promised me never and he lied. This is what he did to me."
She stands and hesitates briefly before she begins to pace and speak.
"Xan, I'm gonna say this and you-you're gonna get mad, but I have to, okay. So, just remember that you've been my best friend my entire life and I love you, okay. So-so here it is. Get over it. Yeah, he broke a promise, a big one and I get that, I do, but he gave you something too. I mean fine, be mad at him, hate him for eternity if that's what you want, but stop, stop wallowing in self pity."
She's got to be kidding. What the hell did he give me but eternity by myself? Everyone I know and love is going to die and I'm going to be here to pick up the pieces. Fine, so I'm being selfish, but God Damn it, it was my life, my life to do what I wanted with it and this wasn't it.
I can see Buffy fidgeting nervously on the couch. I wonder if she can feel my anger?
"Will, maybe we should-"
"No. I'm not going to sit here and watch him destroy himself over something he can't change. I'm all for the angry at Spike part, but it's done, Xander. If you don't want him, fine, he's gone. But, stop this, don't do this to yourself. I need you, Dawn needs you, Buffy needs you, please, Xander."
She sinks to her knees in front of me and suddenly our roles are reversed and now she's saving me. I feel it leaving. Not the anger, but the fear and the uncertainty. I need the anger, I need it to help me. To fuel me. There are tears standing in her eyes.
I drop to my knees next to her and let her pull me into her arms. The tears I thought had dried up come back full force as I lean into her. I feel Buffy come around and hold us both.
After what feels like rivers of tears, I feel clean despite the demon living inside me. The demon who never got a chance to come out and play and maybe I do have one small thing to thank Spike for.
Standing I look at the devastation that was once my apartment and sigh. Mentally I make a list of all the things I need to do in the morning. I've already quit my job, sent in the forms to cancel my savings and investment and double-checked my savings account. Enough money to live comfortably for a few months before I need to find a different job. One that can cater to my needs. Maybe Spike can...
No. No Spike. I can do this on my own. I can live the life he's given me even if I didn't ask for it. I can make this work until I don't need it to work any longer. I can see Buffy once again fidgeting on the other side of the room.
"Xan, I need to box up Spike’s stuff. I have to ship it to him. I can wait until you're not here if you want."
The words 'ship it to him' hit me like a ton of bricks.
"Ship it?"
"To Los Angeles. To Angel's."
I can tell this is a conversation she doesn't want to have. I feel an aching loneliness creep through me and I push it back. Busy. I have to stay busy. The words 'he's gone' are a steady song in my head. I try to preface them with 'good' but it continually turns into 'Oh God.'
"You okay?"
I concentrate on Willow's soft voice. Busy, have to stay busy.
"Yeah, I'm good. How about we clean up this mess."
Have to stay busy. I push the images of Spike out of my head. I won't think about how his skin looks in muted candlelight. I won't think of how he tastes against my tongue. I won't think about how his body would arch under mine as he screamed my name in orgasm. I won't think about the last words he ever said to me. I won't think about the ripping pain that sears me at the loss of his touch.
I won't think about anything but how much I didn't want this and how, because of him, I have to adjust everything I've ever known. I won't think about the fact that the one person in my life I trusted with everything I am, betrayed me. I won't think about how I don't know if I can survive without him.