The Whimsical Notions Of A Desolate VampireBy Buddy
Angel stood under the spray and let the water ease away the tension that had built up like granite in his muscles. It washed away blood, human blood; that which never let up in its tantalising fragrance, a constant reminder of what he needed but never could have. Tears mingled in with the water, but they didn’t count as they merged, the flow carrying away all evidence.
A vision, a case, a problem shelved until worried glances and palpable fear had led to whispered words of frustration and hopelessness. They hadn’t been away long and he carried out his job quickly and efficiently, but by the time they’d returned to the Hyperion he was shaking. If anyone else but Xander had noticed they’d kept their own counsel and Angel hadn’t stayed around long enough to find out.
Upstairs, Xander had simply put his arms around Angel’s rigid form and told him he would take care of it. He’d held on to him until he felt the give, whispered soothing words in his ear and told him it was all going to be alright.
“Angel, you’re just panicking, ok? It’s a case of something we’ve overlooked. Go get in the shower, I’ll talk to Will.” Xander had kissed him hard and tightened his grip on him before he turned to go.
“You can talk to me about him you know, you don‘t have to be taciturn around me, that‘s the point.”
It was almost two weeks since he’d held his son in his arms and the loss was a physical thing, suddenly unbearable again. Connor’s teddy bear still carried that baby smell, despite hours of being held by Angel in his place, and baby clothes were still folded up neatly in the drawer. Angel wondered miserably if they would still fit him.
“I miss him,” was all that he had said, all that he could have said without coming undone and he wasn’t ready for that yet, with anyone.
He’d held it together until he’d stepped into the shower stall. Now tiles needed replacing from the places where he’d punched the wall, and his face held the grief that he would never have to see reflected back, but he felt lighter now, his burden lifted. Now he needed to get back to Xander, to see if he really could perform magic tricks and bring light into his shadowed existence.
~*~
Xander smiled reassuringly at Angel over the receiver. There was so much warmth in it and Angel felt it like a physical thing, slowly enveloping his skin and seeping beneath to thaw the ice like grip that had settled inside his gut. Xander looked at the bruises on Angel’s knuckles and the look of empathy he shot his way almost sent him over the edge again, until he noticed Xander’s relaxed posture and picked up the atmosphere of the conversation.
“I know Will, I’m a doofus, We’re all a doofus; doofi. What’s the plural?”
“Doofuses, I think but I like ‘doofi‘. A plethora, no a drabble of doofi.” Xander grinned at her, and even though she couldn’t see it she could hear it, and grinned back at him.
“I would have called earlier, but we had to go and clear out a vamp nest. Not that they were vampires at all. Turns out they were a bunch of ‘creature of the night’ wannabe’s, who got a little too enthusiastic with the blood play and one guy ended up with a nicked artery. We got him to the hospital in time I think. I hope. The rest of them suddenly realised they had an elsewhere to be when Angel showed them what a vampire actually looks like.”
Angel walked over to him, dropped to his knees and put his head in his lap. Xander stroked his hair as he continued his conversation; one ear on what Willow was saying and the other on Angel as he started to breath under his slow, deliberate ministrations.
“You don’t ever have to apologise for calling me, no matter how late it is. You will always call won’t you?” A loaded question, and he knew she was gearing up for something more direct.
“I can’t promise I’ll call you when I’m in the Quor-toth, but you have to let me off, I don’t think they have phones.”
“You know what I mean. Are you … will you be coming home when this is all over?”
Xander tightened his fingers involuntarily in Angel’s hair and Angel looked up at him sharply.
“Sorry,” he mouthed at him, before answering Willow.
“That is the $64,000 question,“ he laughed uneasily. “So how does it work again?”
“Right, the ritual. I know I wasn’t very explicit about that part, but then I had no idea you intended to take so many people along. You know that everyone who’s going needs to leave an Orb with their anchor. Those of you who are going, need to take an Orb each to enable you to get back, so you have to leave one here with Connor’s anchor and take one with you, simple.”
“Not going to be a problem, we’ll leave someone behind, Groo or Spike. I’d suggest Cordy, but I like having man-parts.” Angel ghosted a touch over Xander’s thighs and in between them just to check that his man-parts were still there.
Willow laughed gleefully for a few seconds and then cut it off abruptly when she realised that Xander might not be joking.
“I’d like to see you try and stop Spike from going with you. Especially if you actually expect him to hand over the Hineaon Cauldron.”
Angel allowed himself to relax further under the feel of Xander‘s fingers in his hair and appreciated the easy way he spoke to his oldest friend. This was nice, Xander was taking charge again and all he had to do was lie here with his head on his lap and be soothed. Angel moved up to lay his head on Xander’s belly; he found it oddly comforting to listen to his voice rumble all through his body and the resulting vibrations it sent to his ears.
“You’re not seriously telling me that he would use that as leverage to … What am I talking about, of course he would.”
Willow stayed silent and Xander bit his lip against the urge to fill the breach, something telling him it was important to wait for the next part.
“He’s … I don’t know how to explain it, but I think he needs to go. There’s something not right with him and it’s not his usual ‘I’m bored, let’s go kill something’ mode. I think he’s depressed. You should take him with you. Will Angel take him? It’ll keep him out of Buffy’s hair and it might make him feel useful. You know I suspect he had that Cauldron all along.”
“And given that snippet of information, we should help him why exactly?”
“Xander! I know you gave him your apartment keys.”
It was Xander’s turn to be silent, but that didn’t stop his thoughts from turning. Why did he ever think this was going to be easy? Did he really think he would be allowed to just disappear from Sunnydale and draw a neat line across his life there, prepped and ready for surgery? Angel must have sensed a change in the way he felt because he looked at him with a question forming on his lips and Xander shook his head, quick to reassure him.
“Does Buffy know?”
“I don’t think so, they seem to be staying out of each other’s way. Spike didn’t tell me, I found out by myself. Don‘t get bent out of shape over it, ok. I think it was nice what you did, and he‘s taking care of the place. It‘s very neat. Anyway I‘m travelling to LA with him, we‘re coming up Friday night. Who‘s performing the spell?”
“We’re smoothing out the final details in the morning. I have to go, there’s another club sandwich with my name on it, and my belly’s a-rumbling. Sleep tight.”
“I will and you can fill me in on the subtext when I get there.” Xander let out a deep sigh. When could he ever get anything past Willow?
“Ok, you’re right, we need to have a talk.”
“And does this talk involve a depressed, mopey vampire who’s suddenly become upwardly mobile?”
Xander let out a snort of genuine amusement and Angel sat back on his heels to look at him quizzically. Xander gestured him back and threaded his fingers through his hair again, suddenly wanting more than just the feel of silky strands in his grasp.
“I’ll take that as a no then.” Xander could hear Tara’s voice in the background.
“Willow, is that Tara?”
“Yes, I have to go I think there’s trouble at the mill. You never know you might actually get to sleep in Quor-toth, if you do, tell me, and I might vacation there this year.”
Xander felt a chill down his spine; he hadn’t really given a whole lot of thought to actually being there.
“Sure there’s nothing you want to tell me?” He heard her grin again.
“I don’t know, maybe. I’ll see you Friday.”
“Bye Willow.”
He hung up and cool lips were on his before he had time to think let alone speak. The kiss was hungry and demanding and he met it with equal fervour, drawing Angel closer to him and cupping the back of his head. The taste of Angel was so familiar now and Xander realised that he couldn’t bear the thought of losing it. Angel broke the kiss and looked at him with a smile of relief.
“You fixed it.”
“Not really, I just found the answers to your question. There never was a problem, except lack of communication. Perhaps we could keep Willow too, she’s good at that stuff.”
Angel looked at him intently, trying to gauge how much he was joking, and he couldn’t help the thrill that went through him at the thought that the ’they’ Xander was talking about was the two of them.
“Could we go to bed now?” There it was again and Angel didn’t try to suppress the smile of delight that crossed his face.
“Now you’re being scary.” Xander smiled back.
He sunk his teeth slowly into Angel’s bottom lip to capture it and then nibbled it roughly, forcing him to open his mouth and invite him inside. Then hands were everywhere, smoothing over body contours and seeking out soft places, hard places, places that ached to be touched, and whispered words that were barely audible but held promise of what was to come. They left a trail of discarded clothing leading into the bedroom and Angel wasn’t aware of the soft mattress under his back, only the firm body covering him.
Enveloped by Xander’s warmth and filled by his hard length, Angel dared to hope that this could go on. Thought for a moment that he saw something more than a willingness to give, reflected in Xander’s eyes, something like longing and need, and he wanted to meet it. They brought each other to completion unhurriedly, both of them tuning out the cares and concerns of the outside world to exist alone together, a place and time of their own.
Afterwards Angel spooned him to his chest wrapping his legs and arms around him. He listened to Xander’s even breathing and waited for the rhythm to change, signalling sleep. When he began to drift off himself he murmured softly in his ear,
“I love you.”
~*~
Cordelia stared blindly at Xander and he waved his hands in front of her face.
“Hellooo, still talking here.”
“You have to have it Angel! You’ll be no use to Connor or the rest of us without your strength … or dead!”
“What? Why are you shouting? I only said that you might want to maybe pack more sensible shoes than the flimsy bit of leather and lace you’re currently wearing. They look more like a thong, not that …”
“Oh thank god! You found him. How badly is he hurt?”
“ … there’s anything wrong with a thong …”
Something approaching comprehension started to dawn in Xander’s mind. He realised he had no idea what to do.
“Angel! Er … help!”
Angel and Fred came rushing out of the office at the sound of Xander’s shout and looked about him and Cordelia for signs of attack. Gunn and Groo looked wary as they entered the hotel lobby doors, but both were ready to fight if the need arose.
“What’s wrong Xander?” Fred resembled a ‘Disco Diva’, her round eyes too big for her face. Cordelia was shouting again.
“We’ll patch him up. Bring him in out of the cold. I still can’t hear you; if this wind would just stop howling for a minute!” Suddenly her eyes cleared and her focus snapped back to Xander. Angel was at her side in seconds.
“What was it Cordy? What did you see?” She ran her hands over her arms briskly and shivered.
“The visions may not be painful any more, but there’s nothing like interactive vision to keep a seer on her toes. I need a hot drink, coffee please.”
Her teeth started to chatter and she put her hands up in a warding off gesture as everyone tried to gather around her.
“I saw us in Quor-toth. Me, you, Xander and Spike.” Groo’s head snapped up at that.
“Was I not there Princess?”
Groo looked so heart-broken that Angel felt sorry for him. But there was a resigned look about him that was puzzling, was he waiting for something like this to happen?
“Could I not go instead of this vampire, ‘Spike‘? I am a good warrior and I will not let you down, Angel.”
“I’m sorry Groo but we have to let Spike go with us. According to my vision, he has a major part to play in the Quor-toth. Besides, this way you can anchor me, I‘ll feel much better knowing that,” Cordelia said.
“Cordy!” Angel was getting exasperated.
“Relax Angel. The vision was sent to make sure you took the right people with you. Looks like Spike’s gonna save your ass.” She grinned at him until she caught the look on Xander’s face.
“I said save his ass.”
“What are you looking at me for? I didn’t say anything.”
“You didn’t need to Xander, it was written all over your …face.” Cordelia trailed off when she realised she’d put her foot in it.
“Anyway, I’m taking faux fur with me, it’s freezing out there.”
Angel flicked his eyes over to Xander. What the hell were him and Cordy talking about?
“But that doesn’t make any sense. I thought it was a hell dimension. And Angel you said it looked hot, like the place was on fire when you saw it through the dimensional tear.” Fred put a cup of coffee in Cordelia’s hands. “Isn’t Lorne ever going to come down this morning?”
“You can unbunch your panties, Pixie Cat, I’m here,” Lorne said as he came down the stairs, a wave to everyone and a stare directed at Xander that made him uncomfortable.
“Great, maybe now I can get some answers.”
Angel started pacing and Xander wondered if hellbeast conjuring was still a possibility. He thought about breakfast, and despite how full he still was from it, he started to think about lunch. He thought about them all standing there completely naked, except for maybe a discreetly placed fig leaf and hello, did he really want to think about Lorne naked? He realised he was getting hysterical but he’d take anything to repress the idea that Angel may have seen the look of jealousy on his face, it was humiliating enough that Cordy had seen it.
He pushed the ridiculous thoughts he was having to the farthest reaches of his mind and decided to pander to Cordelia’s innate drama queen by encouraging her audience. That should take the heat off him for a while.
“That’s a neat trick Cordy, tell us what you saw.”
“Trick? Are you out of your mind?” Cordelia scowled.
“I swear if you don’t tell me soon I’m going to sing.” Angel’s jaw was clenched as he spoke.
“Don’t do that,” Gunn said. “She’ll tell won’t you Cordelia?”
“I’m trying to, if you’ll let me get a word in edgeways!”
She walked over to Groo, who still looked anguished. Xander decided he should get an award for that look, hell he should patent it, no one looked anguished any more not since the days of yore. Why couldn’t he just looked pissed like everybody else? Everybody except …
He looked over to Angel and a recognition passed between them. Oh yeah, they were going to have a conversation.
“You don’t have to explain to me Princess. It is clear that we must not do anything to endanger Angel.”
Xander wanted to clap at the sarcasm in his voice, this was a definite improvement. Lorne answered the ringing phone. No one else took any notice.
Cordelia frowned and turned to Angel. “We know there’s danger out there, it is a hell dimension, but there will be certain circumstances where Xander and I won’t be able to help you. It won’t always be enough to be strong or brave and sometimes your very nature will be all that can save us. That’s why we need Spike, two vampires are better than one.”
“Now there’s a sentiment you don’t hear everyday,” Gunn said.
“Did you see Connor?” Angel demanded.
“I didn’t. Angel!” Cordelia said sharply as he turned away. “That doesn’t mean we won’t find him.”
“I know that. I just wished we could get on with it. We have nearly everything we need, apart from … a herb thing, …Angelica Root, the full moon and the Hineaon Cauldron, which Spike is bringing tomorrow night. Lorne I want you to be Connor’s anchor, apart from me and Cordy, you probably spent the most time with him. Xander has Willow, Cordy has Groo. That leaves Fred for Spike and Gunn for me. The only other thing we need to sort out is who’s going to perform the spell.”
“If we get stuck for that I can always get Willow to bring Tara. I doubt that either of them would let their personal feelings get in the way of this.” Xander hoped he wasn’t wrong about that.
“If the filling in session’s over Angel, you have a case. Well you don’t because it involves the beach and a hut and it’s a whole big thing,” Lorne waved his hands dismissively. “Fareemo demon. Keeps offering to cover beach dwellers in sun screen.”
“Well hell, why don’t they just give it a job!” Lorne speared Fred with a look.
“Because,
ma petite fleur, if a Fareemo demon touches you, you get an insatiable urge to mate with it, hence the hut. Also, not anatomically compatible with humans.”
“And I suppose we get to coax it outta the hut. I’m game.”
“Wait a minute Charles, this is more a job for the ladies among us.”
“Huh?” Cordelia looked offended.
“And so say all of us. Fred ain’t goin’ near no badass seduction demon.”
“Ah hem!” Cordelia looked outraged.
“Or Cordelia. Bad idea.”
“Relax Gunn, they’ll be alright. Fareemo demons only go for guys. They turn into gibbering wrecks in front of females. Especially human females,” Angel assured him.
“Cordy and Fred’ll get it to relocate no problem. I have to go and do a reading in Burbank, I can pick up some Angelica Root which, by the way, is an essential oil, not a herb. How about I take tall dark and puppy eyes over there?”
Xander realised that Lorne was referring to him. He grinned.
“Sure, I’ll come and check out the sites with you Lorne. D’you mind if we don’t play the radio though, ‘cos I’d really rather forget myself and sing in front of you.”
“Oh you don’t need to sugar, to me you’re like a well worn book. I’ve already read you cover to cover.”
Angel looked at Xander not sure whether to be alarmed or amused, but he was certainly frustrated because he wanted to kiss him so much. From the look on Xander’s face he was having similar thoughts.
“I’ll be back.” Xander pointed at the air, to emphasis his point.
“Ok, Mr Schwarzenegger, let’s go.”
“Xander.”
“Angel.”
“I’ll … be here.”
~*~
Angel had the ritual down pat now, and he knew how to make the potion. All he needed was the remaining ingredients and someone to chant whilst they all drank it. The anchors couldn’t do it because they had to concentrate on melding the traveller’s essences to this earthly plane and they could only do that by paying attention. So no interruptions, no multitasking and still no Master of Ceremony’s.
He sighed. He missed Xander and he’d been gone for almost … he checked his watch … an hour. Why did the time drag so much? If he was trying to save the world right now, he could pretty much expect the ‘Thief of Always‘ to creep right in and devour it, but in didn’t matter cosmologically so the bastard was simply sitting on his ass and laughing. He blamed Clive Barker for setting him loose on the world.
He grew impatient with himself, it wasn’t as though he expected Xander to stay in the hotel the whole time. The more times Xander left and came back, the easier it would become to believe he would stay. Had he heard Angel’s whispered words of love? He didn’t think so, but that might be a moot point once Lorne had been around him for a while.
He sipped his blood and thought of Buffy. There was a time when the combination would have been enough to turn his stomach, but Angel had long since learned he had to let it go. She would always represent the unattainable and always be a reminder of the things he’d done wrong. She’d been his light, his punishment and finally his gateway to a passable existence. He’d always regret her.
Would he regret Xander too? Perhaps the Powers That Be had decided he needed reminding of the things he could never possibly put right. He could easily lose himself in the warmth and the strength, and even if Xander never loved him back it would be easy to fit himself into the emptiness within him, a place to fill, a somewhere to be . He knew he would never forget his sins again, having Connor had proven that. No perfect joy, no moment of bliss. Maybe there was something close to it he could learn to live with. Until They snatched it away.
He knew Gunn was watching him and he knew Groo was brooding. He could understand Groo’s frustration and Gunn’s unanswered questions but he didn’t want to deal with either. He would, he just didn’t want to. Groo was standing in front of the weapons cabinet, testing the weight and feel of an axe. He looked at home there, like he’d brought a little piece of Pylea with him; anywhere else in the place and Angel had an insane urge to pop him back in a bowl as though he were a goldfish.
He stopped in front of him and waited until he looked up.
“Is there a case to work on Angel?”
“No we’re pretty much redundant here at the moment. It’s nice, a bit of down time before my adventures in Hell.” Groo looked away.
“She isn’t choosing me over you, she’s just doing her job,” Angel said and Groo’s head snapped up his eyes wide. He smiled after a moment.
“I know this to be true, but it is hard for me to help by doing nothing. I am a person of action, it is what I know.”
“Anybody can learn how to fight Groo, it’s the standing back that shows our true mettle.”
“Mettle?”
“Strength, the inner stuff that makes us good warriors. Without it, fighting skills become fairly useless. If you want to help your Princess, make it easy for her to do her job. She shouldn’t have to worry about you whilst we’re gone.”
Groo stood up to his full height and Angel realised he hadn’t done that for some time. Good, maybe this meant he’d inspired him.
“Does this other vampire too have a soul?
“No, but he’s not a threat, he has government hard wear in his head that prevents him from harming humans,” Groo started to protest. “and he’s clocked enough time with the Slayer lately to respect the good guys.”
“Yes, the Vampire Slayer. Cordelia did tell me about her. You loved her before you loved Xander. It is good that you have someone new to share your heart.” Angel put his hands up.
“Nobody said anything about love, ok!” He risked a look over his shoulder only to see that Gunn had heard and was grinning.
“You do not love him?” Groo raised his eyebrows. “I understand, he is your prahl~mar.”
“What? No, I don’t know what one is but, he’s …” Gunn laughed.
“I don’t know what it means either but it sounds a lot like Com shuk to me, dirty.”
“Ok, we’re done here. Time to go.” Angel spun on his heel and started to walk towards the stairs.
“Not so fast Angel.”
“Almost had a clean getaway.” He turned back to face Gunn.
“I ain’t askin’ if you love him or anything like that, it’s your business. I just want you to know I’m cool with you and him. I like ‘im and he makes you less snarly.”
Angel opened his mouth to protest and then shut it with a snap. “I can live with that.” He smiled. “Now we’re done.”
~*~
Xander eyed Lorne in wonder. “So no sunlight issues, for you Lorne, but come on now, people must stare a little, a lot.”
“Ah but this is LA sugar, people expect to see the unusual or the bizarre. I’m expecting to set a trend any time soon.”
“That was cool by the way. You could really picked all that up just from that guy wailing back there?” Lorne grimaced.
“I know, he wasn’t the sweetest bird in the aviary but, I could still read him nevertheless.”
“And you’re from the dimension where Fred was trapped. So, how’s LA working’ out for ya?”
Lorne parked up in the Hyperion car park before looking across and narrowing his eyes at him.
“You’re a jaunty type of fellow aren’t you Xander? But it won’t put off the inevitable. I said before I don’t have to hear you sing, some people shout at me loud and clear. And you’re just a billboard; you’ll fit right in around here.
What you’re doing for Angel is good stuff, your heart’s in the right place and, blonde vampire Slayer notwithstanding, you’re loyal,; I like that in a guy. But it’s not enough. You can’t stay on the periphery of this relationship honey bun, you have to decide if you’re in it for the long haul. If you’re not prepared to make an emotional commitment, go now, and may I suggest running for the hills?”
Xander felt like his heart was in his mouth.
“How can I make him believe me?” he whispered.
“Oh well that’ll be a lot easier when you accept it yourself.”
“We didn’t get on. Before, in Sunnydale I mean.”
“There were factors. You have to stop looking for the linear when you live in a world where the only straight lines are manufactured. Ultimately you have to remember this, Angel is not your new mission. If that’s all your looking for go some where else.”
“You sound like him.” Lorne got out of the car and Xander followed him.
“He’ll know that you read me won’t he?” Lorne just looked at him. “I feel peculiar going back inside knowing that.”
“Yes, but you’ve also missed him, more than you ever thought possible. Don’t worry I won’t say anything. It’s all up to you now.” Lorne unbuttoned his coat and rolled his shoulders.
“Come on let’s find out if Cordelia and Fred have managed to get rid of the Fareemo demon, and if the tall dark and broody have managed to stay entertained.”
“Who are you talking about?”
“Take your pick my little Sea Breeze, I’ll edge my bets and pick them all.”
~*~
Angel’s heart gave a funny jump when Xander entered the lobby. He unconsciously put his hand to his chest to check there was still no beat, but he couldn’t be sure there wasn’t when Xander smiled at him.
“Hey.” Angel walked over to him and stopped, uncertain. He could hear the way his heart sped up as he got closer and there was a faint blush staining his cheeks.
“Hey.” Xander’s heart thudded in his chest as Angel’s scent filled his nostrils and he was a hair’s breadth away from hugging him.
“How did it go?”
“Well after hearing that guy sing, I’d have to say I prefer tarot cards or a crystal ball, but it was interesting to watch. Cordy and Fred back yet?”
“No. Coming upstairs?”
“Yes.”
Lorne watched them both and shrugged his shoulders at Gunn and Groo, a gesture that was wasted on Angel and Xander.
“Hello, Angelcakes, yes I had a lovely time with Xander here and I just love talking … to your retreating back. So Gunn, Groo, what’s new?”
Xander couldn’t have walked up the stairs if his life depended on it. He ran up them climbing two at a time, and nearly collided with Angel at the top when he stopped and turned around to look for him. Angel smiled at him and half-fell against him in a clumsy and crushing hug, then grabbed his hand and pulled him towards the door to his room.
Angel’s hands refused to co-operate with his brain and he fumbled with the doorknob until he lost patience and thought about simply kicking the door down. Xander pushed his hand out of the way and opened it smoothly; seeing Angel acting less than suave helped him to at least pretend calm.
Angel’s hands were blessedly cool on Xander’s face, and although the kiss he gave him was surprisingly warm he felt gooseflesh break out all over his body. He chased Angel’s tongue, following the route it mapped out, sweeping the roof of his mouth and apparently intent on tracing every one of his teeth.
Xander put his hands on Angel’s waist and discovered bare flesh where his shirt had ridden up. It was soft under his fingertips, begging to be stroked, and he smiled into Angel’s mouth when he squirmed at his touch. He’d clearly found a ticklish spot.
He slid his hands beneath his shirt and slowly followed the gentle swell of his abs to his nipples. They were flat and smooth but hardened under his touch and he lifted off offending clothing so he could taste them. He raised his head to kiss him again and Angel gripped his hips and pulled him flush to his body, grinding against the matching hardness of his erection.
Xander planted deliberate kisses across Angel’s collarbone from the hollow of his throat to the juncture of his neck and shoulders. He buried his nose there for a moment, inhaling the scent of him deeply before licking up the path of his jugular to the dip behind his ear. Angel forced his hand between them and cupped Xander firmly through his trousers before stroking upwards, popping his button open and lowering his zipper.
“Angel?” Xander’s breathing sounded erratic, much like his heartbeat. “Can we take this away from the door?”
“As long as you don’t let go of me.”
“Not gonna be an issue.”
Xander kicked the door shut behind them and walked Angel backwards towards the interior wall. He pressed him against it and trapped him with his legs either side of him before he lowered his zipper. Angel gasped at the warm fingers that freed him and curled around his cock, pumping him firmly but lightly.
“You’re still wearing clothes, Xander, take them off.”
Xander pulled his shirt and tee over his head and kicked his shoes off. Angel toed off his own boots and took his trousers off before Xander had even lowered his.
“Here, let me help you with that.”
He thrust his hands in the back of his waistband and cupped his ass cheeks, kissing him again and groaning when Xander bit his bottom lip hard to draw blood. He yanked them and his boxer shorts down, and they pooled loosely at Xander’s feet so he could step out of them. Naked, they gravitated towards each other, cocks bumping and providing delicious friction.
“I missed you,” Xander whispered between kisses.
“You came back.”
“I only went to work Angel.”
“I missed you.”
Angel cupped and fondled his balls and then slid his hand around both of their cocks and pumped them in unison. Xander grabbed his ass and kneaded his cheeks, all the time worrying the bite mark on his lip with the tip of his tongue. The coppery taste was still traceable although it had stopped bleeding and had started to heal almost immediately.
He slipped his hand down the crack of Angel’s ass and pushed his middle finger into the rosy aperture, moving gently at first and then more vigorously once his muscles relaxed. Angel clasped them both harder and pumped faster, his strokes eased by mingled precum. Xander gripped his hair and pulled his head down for a punishing kiss, not sure how they were keeping the rhythm going.
He realised he might be keeping time with the thoughts going round his head and wondered briefly if Angel had his own chant going on. This was real; they were lovers and this was real. Angel hovered on the brink of orgasm, pleasure appeared to find a time continuum and the peak didn’t fall away nor did he tip over it. Until Xander spilled over his hand and clamped his teeth down hard on his bottom lip drawing blood again.
They sank to the floor, sticky and sweaty and giddy with satisfaction, Xander’s arms were clumsy around Angel’s waist and he assaulted his lips until he needed to come up for air. Angel drew the hand covered in their combined ejaculate to his mouth for a taste.
Xander’s cock twitched at the gesture, and he opened his mouth willingly when Angel offered him a finger to taste it himself. The bitter salty fluid tasted similar to Angel’s blood and he looked up a the damage he’d caused to Angel’s bottom lip and ran a finger lightly over it .
“Sorry about that,” he said sounding anything but, “I was caught up in the moment.”
Angel grabbed the nearest thing to him and wiped his hand before gathering Xander in his arms and holding him tight.
“Will you come in the shower with me?”
“I coming to Quor-toth with you, a shower will be a breeze.”
“Now you’re mocking me.”
“Well you sounded like you were asking for my soul. Instead of looking for an excuse to jump my bones again, and that’s something I don’t think I’ll ever turn down.”
“Actually I want you to talk to me. I’ll wash your back and you can tell me about your job and Anya and Sunnydale, and then I’ll tell you about LA and …”
“Cordelia.” Angel nodded.
“And Spike.”
“Spike? What did he say to you?”
“Enough. Did you know that he’s in love with Buffy? I think they had a thing.”
Angel stared at him for a few minutes and then started to laugh.
“You think that’s funny?”
“I think it’s priceless. Come on, you’ll get cold down here,” he stood up and pulled Xander to his feet. “Have you eaten?”
“I grabbed something while I was out.”
Xander scooted up behind Angel and slid his arms round his waist.
“Angel I … that was lovely.”
Angel stopped in his tracks so sure he’d been going to say something else. He turned in his arms and kissed him again. Maybe there was reason to hope after all.
~*~
Xander drew lazy circles on Angel’s back with his fingertips. He traced the little pockmarks that were testament to some childhood illness and realised with a start that he liked them. They were a sign that Angel was once alive, and as he sought out and explored them all, he tried to imagine Angel as a child.
It was impossible.
Still he continued his exploration, and refused to acknowledge the failure of Angel’s chest to rise and fall in sleep, or how long it took for his naturally cool skin to warm to his touch. He discovered little scars on his ass and his back and knew they were scattered in other places he couldn’t reach at present, but by touching the ones he could access he felt a link to the mortal Angel once was.
Xander coveted the warmth, the thoughts, the emotions that had been witnessed by those who had shared Angel’s mortal days, and staring down at the marble sheen of his translucent skin and the tiny blue veins that were the only interruption, he fervently wished he had known him then. The days before fate had taken away his conscience and turned him into a killer; before he was cursed to live in torment and chase elusive redemption. He knew that echoes of the man remained, and would have to content himself with that.
He continued to traverse Angel’s flesh, dipping into the dimples at the top of his buttocks, but he resisted the urge to plunder them with his tongue. He didn’t want to wake him, it had been a rough few days for all of them. His fingers he could keep exploratory, his tongue would only arouse.
Finally, despite resistance on his part, his traitorous eyes were drawn to the tattoo covering Angel’s right shoulder blade and he felt the momentary guilt a life-time dieter feels before they give in and consume unnecessary calories. He had seen it from a distance a few times but never really studied it up close and personal. It looked so innocent this mythical creature, and Xander tried to imagine which dimension might actually house the Griffin; he found it hard to accept it was only the results of an over active imagination.
How long had it been peculiar to Angel? It must be over a century because sight of it put dread into people’s hearts, because despite the innocence it exuded it was the signature of a notorious and brutal beast. Xander’s finger’s hovered over it and although he felt something repel him, a strong impulse to defy the warning in his mind seized him and he ached to trace the outline ... Touchdown, then a quiver from the skin beneath emboldened his fingers.
“Don’t.” One word, a command, but Xander didn’t want to remove his hand.
“Why not?”
“I said, don’t.”
Angel’s voice sounded hoarse and Xander couldn’t tell if it was desire or some other emotion clogging his voice box. Xander stole a few more seconds of illicit connection and Angel turned with preternatural speed and pinned him to the bed. His human mask had slipped and panting harshly he stared down into Xander’s upturned, bewildered face.
“What did I do? … I’m sorry … Angel?”
Angel could smell the blood below the surface of Xander’s skin, he could hear it’s rapid journey around the highways of his body, as his heart speeded up; and he hungered for it. He lunged forward and pressed his nose against his pulse point and licked up it roughly before whispering in Xander’s ear.
“Is this what you’re after Xander. Want me to taste you? Want to feel my teeth slice into your flesh and the pull of blood from your veins. Is this why you want me to relinquish control. Do you desire it?”
He licked again and dragged a fang point across the same path, blood beading in a dotted line. Xander was hard despite his fear and although his mind screamed ‘no!’ his undisciplined body betrayed him. He pushed Angel’s face closer to his throat and gasped in disappointment as he resisted his urgings.
“I thought Angelus sickened you the most!“
Angel pushed himself away and left the room.
Xander left out a shaky breath and ran his hand over his mouth. Oh, fuck! He’d most definitely blown it now. He wiped his neck with his fingers and stared in fascination at the blood smeared across them. What the hell was he doing?
Angel prowled the lounge room, not really angry but divided. So much, he had wanted to taste him, more than anyone since Buffy, and his demon had latched on to Xander like he was a lifeline. If he was honest he knew that Xander’s response had been reactive rather than provocative but oh boy they were in a world of hurt.
Xander came into the room after him, tentatively. He was cautious but not cowed and this in itself thrilled Angel. Xander stood against the wall and watched him, speaking volumes with his silence. Angel paced and glanced at him from time to time.
“I’m sorry,” Angel said as he came to stop in front of him.
“That was weird, Xander said quietly. “I didn’t know I felt about you in that way, not really. I’m mean I’ve had fantasies sure, but I never thought I would actually be willing to go through with it.”
He walked towards Angel and was pleased to be met halfway. Angel crushed him to him, kissing his face, peppering cool kisses all over him. He wanted to reassure him he wasn’t angry with him as much as he was angry with himself. He also needed him to understand. He pulled back to look at him.
“Fantasies can be dangerous when they include vampires, especially when they involve emotions that have been repressed for so long. I can’t afford to go down that path even in fantasy Xander, d’you understand that?”
“Sure I understand and I’m very grateful that you didn’t follow through with it. I just got carried away I guess, I’m sorry, you’re so tempting.” Xander put his hands on Angel’s shoulders. “I can feel all that control you’ve got going on inside you, and the fact that you’re willing to relinquish some of it to me is such an aphrodisiac. Like I said, I got carried away.”
“What exactly are you getting out of this anyway? I‘m not talking about job satisfaction or moral obligation, I‘m talking about the crisis you seem to be having in your life. Help me out here, give me something.”
“I need you, you … see past all the sugar coating and the fancy layers and I know you won’t fill my head full of crap if there’s nothing that can be done about my life ok? Here’s where I need to be. Not until I figure it out and go back to Sunnydale, because I don’t believe I’ll go back even if one day everything starts to make sense again. But I do still want to make a contribution to keeping the world a safer place.
I can do that just as well, better even, here than there. I’ve got a broken engagement and a bunch of brokenhearted friends that I can’t help any more. That doesn’t mean that I’ve turned my back on them, it just means I can’t do it every day, not any more.” Angel tightened his arms around his waist.
“I’m just afraid that you’ll come to your senses and leave m… LA, just as I get used to the idea of having you around. Actually forget that, I’m already used to having you around and I’m just scared. You live as long as I have and you lose everything in the end, but you never get used to it.”
“Angel when we get Connor back you’ll have everything.”
“Will I?”
“I guess that depends on if there’s anything else you want.”
Angel was saved from replying when the door was knocked quietly. Xander disappeared into the bedroom and threw his robe on and handed Angel’s to him.
“Man, this place never stops, did you ever think about relocating?”
“I thought about hiding a few times, trouble is, Fred knows all the cool hiding places and she’d only find me.”
Xander walked over to open the door whilst Angel belted his robe and gasped loudly as he looked into the surprised eyes of Wesley.