The Whimsical Notions Of A Desolate VampireBy Buddy
Angel ran his fingers slowly through Xander's hair, as if the very action would take away the severity of the cut. He hadn't achieved a rumpled look on him yet, but he was gratified that as the day had crept into evening, Xander's face had relaxed, he had started to look young again and his Buffy-induced stress had melted away.
They were currently secluded on one of the soft couches near the stairs, out of view from anyone who might walk into the hotel. Angel had his feet up and Xander lay cradled in between his thighs with his head on Angel's chest. To Angel it felt odd only because it didn't, yet there was a surreal quality surrounding them; he felt like he was catching up with a life that had kick-started for the two of them in some parallel universe. A smile spread across his face when he realised he was fairly relaxed himself in this position.
It felt like home.
They hadn't started out here. As soon as Cordelia had left they had occupied the office on opposite sides of his desk with their feet up, and spent a couple of hours talking. They were interrupted occasionally by phone calls; Willow had called to say that she and Spike were on their way, a woman had called who wanted to quiz Angel and find out if he actually was an 'angel' and someone else had wanted a reading from Lorne.
Angel had dashed up the stairs to get Lorne rather than buzzing his extension, simply because he wanted to experience the thrill he got each time he looked at Xander for the first time after an absence. He loved the way Xander blushed as soon as their eyes locked and darkened with the lust he was sure mirrored his own. Mostly it was the fact he didn't bother trying to conceal the love he felt any more.
Xander had found himself holding his breath from time to time, captured and arrested by the beauty sitting in front of him, but it was more than that; for the whole time they'd talked Angel watched him intently and listened to him wax lyrical about work, food, his favourite TV shows and music. He had laughed and smiled, something that never failed to make Xander's heart do a giddy flip-flop every time he saw it and left him pleasantly surprised that he was able to bring that side out of him.
They had gravitated to the lobby after Lorne had waved a cheery goodbye and once they were comfortably lounging, talk had inevitably turned to demons and the underworld. They had swapped slaying tales for a while and then Angel had told him what he knew about Justine, and given him some more back story on Holtz and Darla.
Xander had swallowed down the familiar revulsion that arose in his gut whenever he thought about Darla. All he really knew about her was that she had been instrumental in Jesse's death and that she had tried to take Buffy out almost before he'd had a chance to call her friend. Sacrificing herself for the sake of her son was the least she could do as far as he was concerned.
They had covered some of the most recent events that had happened in Sunnydale, touching briefly on Xander's broken engagement to Anya and the suspicions he'd harboured regarding Buffy and Spike. They didn't linger on anything or delve too deep, neither of them wishing to spoil the peace they were enjoying.
Xander relished the feel of Angel's fingers in his hair; it made him wished he had more hair, and it was comforting and arousing in equal measures. He broke the comfortable silence they'd lapsed into.
“I know it was hard for you, but I think you made the right choice when you left Sunnydale; for Buffy too.”
Xander felt a twinge of the guilt that was ever lurking and forced from hiding every time he heard or said Buffy's name, but he didn't want to spoil the mood, so he pushed the feelings away; he would justify himself later.
“This place has been good for you hasn't it? Despite the having to put up with evil lawyer types and the swapping of one demon city for another. You're not lurking shadow guy any more, I know it's not easy backing up a Slayer, and since you left,” he looked up at him and waggled his eyebrows suggestively. “you've blossomed my dear.”
“I still lurk, it's an occupational hazard.”
He laughed at Angel's amused expression. “You know what I mean, you've changed a lot; I don't think you would have if you'd stayed.”
“Change is inevitable wherever you are, it's just that some environments make it easier. I have changed but it must be radical if you think I'm a hottie.”
“Speaking of which, when's dinner?”
“Dinner?”
“You said 'hottie' and I thought pot roast.”
An indulgent smile spread across Angel's face. “Strange segue-ways. Living in Los Angeles has been … interesting, and too many times heart-breaking, but it's been … humanising.”
“Well I'll say, you have a son for one thing. How exactly did that happen? And if you say the usual way I'll kick your ass - or get Gunn do to it anyway - or better still get Willow to turn you into a toad; no lame, a replica of Spike. There, not only would it punish you, it would really annoy Spike.”
Angel grimaced at the thought; it was never easy thinking of Spike and for a while he'd been able to forget he was going with them to Quor-toth.
“I don't know; it's not possible but he's real and soon I can go and get him ... Why does midnight tomorrow seem so far away? I've waited this long, another thirty-two hours should be a walk in the park. Have you checked the weather forecast for tomorrow night?”
“You can relax Angel, the temperature's set to plummet, it should be a cloudless sky. So glad we get to keep our clothes on for this ritual because cold weather aside, I'm not really keen on showing my naked charms to Cordelia or Spike. Though it might have been worth it to see …” He broke off and shook his head, “No forget it I don't think you're ready for the full force of Xander-humour just yet.”
“Don't worry, I'm way ahead of you with the visual.”
Xander looked at him, a serious expression clouding his face. “Do you ever wish …”
“No,” Angel tightened his arms around his shoulders. “I
have
what I want right here.”
The words travelled a rapid path from Xander's ears, straight through his heart and down to his groin. He manoeuvred himself in Angel's arms so he could reach to kiss him, and as Angel cupped his face and plundered his willing mouth with his tongue, Xander spared a tiny thought to the possibility of Willow finding out about them this way.
Angel's tongue danced across Xander's bottom lip before he sucked it in and bit on it, gently at first and then hard enough to cause a dull pain of false promise. Images of Angel's teeth at his throat arose unbidden, stirring a strong arousal that made his limbs feel weak. He opened his eyes in an attempt to dispel them, but Angel continued to nibble and Xander's cock ached and throbbed as it filled with blood. He fought the desperate need to bury it deeply inside Angel's ass; he knew they didn't have time for this and he pulled away reluctantly.
“I always want you,” he whispered, when he remembered how to speak. “But this has been nice. Just talking to each other and you listening to me, like it matters what I say.”
Angel's emotions seesawed, and he fought for control that he didn't really want. It would be bliss to give into the hunger that surged through his veins, to bite just a little harder than he had, and taste the very essence of Xander through his blood. The realisation of what notions he'd been entertaining hit him like a bucket of cold water and desire deserted him.
“Angel? Are you ok?”
“I'm fine,” he managed to say, his voice a couple of octaves higher than normal. He paused and cleared his throat. “Of course it matters what you say, and I like listening to you, it calms me.”
Xander laughed. “That's a joke right? Because I've never been described as calming before, not unless there's an orgasm involved anyway.”
“That works too.”
Xander closed his eyes for a moment and pictured his lips closing around the glans of Angel's penis and his tongue pushing into his slit before travelling down the cool hard length. His mouth watered.
“It wouldn't only be Spike and Cordelia.”
“Huh?” Xander was pulled back from his happy place.
“They'll all be there … when we perform the ritual.”
“And you talk about my segue-ways. Weren't we busy with the kissing thing?”
“We were … until you stopped.”
Xander parted his lips in invitation but Angel hesitated. That was all it had taken to get him hard again and he clung to the tenuous hold he had over his emotions and forced air into his lungs. The action would calm him even though the oxygen could not. Xander ran his fingers over Angel's chest and pushed his hands inside his shirt. Brushing the flat of his thumb against pebbled nipples, he slowly started to close the gap between their lips.
Angel stopped Xander's descent with his fingers, and traced his lips with his thumb before sliding it slowly into his mouth. Xander laved at the taste, there was faint traces of coffee and shampoo clinging to Angel's skin and he wanted his fingers back in his hair again, or cupping his face, or sliding down his throat, or just on him somewhere.
He pushed himself up the length of Angel's body, their erections bumping, teasing, before he ground them together and pinned him to the sofa. His gaze lingered on the expectant look on Angel's face for a moment and then he clasped either side of his jaw and claimed the kiss he'd been angling for.
Angel slid his hands under Xander's t-shirt and pressed him closer to his body, his hips rocking slightly, involuntarily. There was a reason they should stop this no matter how good it felt or how wonderful Xander smelled and tasted, but he couldn't remember what it was. He wrapped his legs across Xander's buttocks and clenched his thighs in an attempt to bring him closer still, but suddenly the warm mass in his arms was wriggling to get free and his lips were left bereft.
Angel released him and groaned in frustration. Xander looked down at him vaguely aware that he was panting. His lips were swollen and reddened, high colour stained his cheeks and dilated pupils turned his irises to black.
Now he looked rumpled.
“You can't stay kneeling in that position for long or I won't be held responsible for the consequences.” Angel sat up and resisted the urge to bury his nose in the crumpled folds of t-shirt fabric. “We should go back in the office, I need a desk between us.”
“I'll have a continent… I don't suppose we have time …”
“Not really.”
“Office it is then.”
Xander scrambled off the couch, and refused to look back to see if Angel followed him. He went behind the counter to the mini fridge next to Cordelia's desk and helped himself to a bottle of mineral water. He ran it over his forehead for a few seconds before opening it and chugging the contents. By the time he looked round Angel was back in the office. He held the bottle up and Angel nodded, so he grabbed another one and followed him in.
Angel was seated behind his desk and he licked his lips when Xander entered the room. Pleasure spread across his features when he looked up at him and Xander felt his limbs grow heavy. He sat down gracelessly, pushing both bottles onto the desk in front of him.
“This won't work if you look at me that way.”
“I'm sorry, I can't help it. But they'll be here any minute, so we should … talk about the weather or something.”
“We've already got that covered. Connor! Let's talk about Connor.”
It was startling to hear his son's name fall from Xander's lips in such a familiar manner, and yet, he was going to be such a huge part of his life. Xander with a child … his child.
“That's good, we should do that! It's going to affect both of us when he comes home. Have you even considered what life will be like with a child? We have no idea how old he's going to be or what his needs will be … and you have no experience with children at all. Do you?”
“I probably have more than you.”
Xander looked at Angel quizzically.
“How will you explain his existence? You can't send him to school, or register him with a doctor; will he even get to play with kids his own age?”
“I don't know all the answers to that. Fred says she will help to tutor him and I can hopefully teach him to appreciate art and literature. I know he won't have a normal life, but all that matters for now is that he has one.”“I could take him to the park and the other places you can't. How many kids have both parents during the day anyway?”
Angel tensed at Xander's words. He'd gone from single parent, to bereaved parent, to the possibility of being one of two parents in the space of a couple of weeks. Now there was also the very real possibility that he would be dealing with an older child instead of a baby. It crowded in on him, suddenly huge, and he started to breath again. Xander stared at his change of expression.
“What's wrong, don't you think he'll like me? Kids usually like me, I was always a hit on Halloween.”
Angel looked into his earnest face and tried to quell the sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. He stood up and started to pace behind his chair.
“If Wesley's right and he isn't a baby any more, the chances are he'll be afraid of us. We're all just going to be strangers to him. Xander he won't even know me.”
“So we'll make friends with him, give him a chance to get to know us, he's probably gonna be ready to see another friendly face. All he has at the moment is Holtz and … shit I don't even want to go there. Look all I know is that speculation could drive you crazy, but you have his best interests at heart, that's gotta count for something right? Angel, he's going to have a ready made family, people who want to take him somewhere better than where he is now.”
“You're right, thinking about it will drive me crazy.”
“What about Holtz?”
“He won't give him up without a fight, but then there's only one of him and four of us. Unless he's marshalled the locals already, 'course it would help if we knew more about the locals. I'll bet Lilah knows, I think it's time for a visit.”
“I thought vampires couldn't get in that place without alarms going off.”
“I wasn't thinking of going to Wolfram and Hart, even Lilah has to go home sometime. I'm pretty sure I know where to find her.”
“There is an easier way.”
“You think I should call Wesley.”
“You were going to anyway right? Ask him to do the chanting thing?”
“I don't have a lot of options. I'll call him but I'm not happy about it.”
“Why not, you still don’t trust him?”
“It's not just that, though I feel sick inside every time I think about what he did. I'm not ready to forgive him yet, I don't know if I ever will be. It's not a good basis for even a working relationship.”
“For what it's worth, I think he's really sorry. But I do know that sometimes that isn't enough to make things right again.”
Angel looked at him for a moment, confusion and love and something that looked like gratitude shining in his eyes.
“When did you get so insightful?”
“It's not insight, it's bitter experience.” Xander's grin failed to hide the sadness that clouded his eyes for a moment. It was the first time Angel had seen it since he'd told Xander he loved him and he quickly closed the distance between them, leaned over and kissed him softly.
“I'm still going to see Lilah, she'll expect it and if Wesley's game and agrees to play double agent, the more I act in character the less suspicious she'll be. I should go now.”
Angel closed his eyes for moment, relieved. At last, action to take his mind off … the lack of action.
Xander stood up and reached for his coat, which was draped over a filing cabinet.
“Not you, stay here. Spike and Willow remember? Besides the less Lilah knows about you the better…”Angel broke off and stared at the space above Xander's head.
“So. This is the lion's den is it?” Spike's voiced drawled from the open doorway. “Where is everybody?”
“Hey guys,” Willow waved from his side. “We're here.”
“Here,” Angel echoed.
Spike smirked at him as he reached into his pocket for his cigarettes. The gesture sent a nostalgic ache through him that he wasn't expecting. He waited for the familiar irritation that usually accompanied Spike's presence but none came. He could smell misery coming off him, and their eyes met in bitter empathy before Spike's face tightened and he spun away from him angrily.
Xander and Willow were oblivious to the short exchange, they were occupied with a hug that sent waves of homesickness through Xander's heart so strong that he felt nauseous. There was nothing quite like an armful of Willow, she smelled of love and acceptance and, in the last few years especially, survival.
“Xander, I missed you. Don't worry I'm not going to start nagging atcha to come home, not yet any way. You can let go of me now if you want to, I'm not going anywhere, I only just got here.”
Xander let her go with a sheepish grin.
“I'm sorry Willow, I knew I'd missed you too, I guess I just didn't know how much. How are you?”
“I'm good.”
“How's Tara?” Willow's face dimpled.
“She's very good, she says to say hi. Dawn has sent you chocolate bars to take to Quor-toth, just in case they don't have K-mart over there.”
“How's Buffy, still itching to come down here?”
“There are blips on her radar where you're concerned. Are you going to tell me what's going on?”
Spike grinned maliciously around his cigarette before removing it from his lips. “Yes, do tell Xander, I'm sure the whole class would be very interested.”
Xander glared at him. “Spike. Do I still have an apartment?”
“I'm not stupid. A fellow would have be some kind of fool not look after the best bit of luxury he'd had since he'd been back in Sunnydale. S'fine. So … when this is over are you coming back to pick up the rest of your stuff or just coming back?”
Willow frowned at their exchange and walked over to hug Angel.
“Hi Angel, how you doin'?”
“I'll be better after tomorrow. You?”
“I'm good; I'd like to visit here one time when it wasn't bad circumstances.”
“Any time, I have a lot of rooms. Spike did you bring the Cauldron?”
“It's in the lobby. Have you got anything to eat around here?”
“I have to go out, Xander will show you both where everything is. This shouldn't take long, make yourselves at home.”
He pulled his jacket on and glanced at Xander surreptitiously. Willow missed it but Spike didn't, and he wondered how entertaining it was going to be when everybody else found out exactly what those looks meant. It could work in his favour when Buffy found out, all he would have to do was offer a pair of willing arms to stroke her wounded ego.
“Thanks for doing this, both of you,” Angel said. He smiled at Willow and turned to go, then looked back over his shoulder. “Spike, wanna tag along?”
Xander looked up and started to protest, but then thought better of it; Spike wouldn't slow Angel down like he would, and he did need have a talk with Willow.
“I don't mind, are there many opportunities for violence for a guy like me?”
“Not this time, the target's human, barely, and we're only after information. On second thoughts, if she doesn't tell me what I want to know, be my guest. I don't think the chip will kick in, I'm pretty sure she doesn't have a soul.”
“Angel be careful.” Xander swallowed hard and wondered if he'd given away too much of how he felt.
“I will.”
They looked at each other for a few seconds in silent communication that spoke volumes. Xander could feel Spike watching them intently but Willow didn't seem to be especially intrigued by the exchange.
“If anyone wants me I have my cell, Spike let's go.”
Willow looked at Xander expectantly after Angel and Spike left.
“Let's grab your bags and I'll show you the habitable rooms and you can pick one. They're all a bit trashed on the first floor from the earthquake a couple of weeks ago, but there are lots of floors, in fact you could play hide and seek here, and if you were hiding, you might never be found.”
“I like it here, I'll bet it was gorgeous when it was a working hotel. Where's Cordelia and the others?”
“Angel gave them the rest of the day off.” Willow looked at him surprised.
“So you've spent most of the day here with Angel by yourself?” Willow eyes widened. “What did you talk about?” Xander could feel the heat starting to creep up his neck to his face. Maybe this was going to be harder than he thought.
“Let me see, we talked about demons, evil lawyers, Connor, the merits of crunchy over smooth peanut butter. He's surprisingly conversational when you get passed the dour exterior. Besides, he isn't the same guy he was back in Sunnydale.”
“He seems the same to me.”
“Except Angel's in charge here. And he smiles more often.”
“I wouldn't have thought he had a whole lot to smile about, what with the suddenly achieving the impossible and having a son, only to have him snatched before his first birthday. It's downright mysterious if you ask me. And heartbreaking.”
“Well he has hope now, thanks to you.”
“I only did what comes naturally to me, you're the one taking all the risks. I still don't get it.”
Xander ignored her puzzled expression, walked purposefully into the lobby and picked up the two duffle bags on the floor in front of the counter.
“How the heck did Spike lift that by himself,” he nodded to the huge black cauldron that stood like a pot-bellied pig next to the pentagram.
“I take it that's a rhetorical question.” Xander grinned at her.
“Jesus, Willow what do you have in this bag; Tara?”
“Unfortunately no … but if I'd asked ...”
“Buffy mentioned things were improving between you two, that's great news.” He started to climb the stairs, Willow close on his heels. “Ok, which floor would madam like to stay on?”
“I don't know, what floor are you on?”
“Me?” Xander squeaked. “Second, I'm on the second floor.”
“The second floor it is, I could go next to you. You can fill me in on everything, whilst I eat something because I'm starving. After I've had a shower to get rid of the smell off smoke, Jeez I swear Spike smoked a pack of twenty on the way over here … what was I saying? Oh yeah, and then you'll only have to go next door to bed when you get sleepy.”
He stopped and pushed open the door furthest from Angel's apartment.
“How about this one?”
“It's nice, and look it has en suite. Is it next door to yours?”
“Not exactly.”
Willow looked at him closely.
“Xander are you ok?”
“No, yes, I'm … Willow sit down.”
“Ok,” she looked at him solemnly and sat down on the bed. “What is it?”
“I'm with Angel.”
“What do you mean?”
He dumped the bags, sat down next to her and looked intently into her eyes.
“I'm with Angel, as in we're together, in the biblical sense of being together.”
“What?” she whispered, a flabbergasted expression creeping slowly over her face. “I had no idea you were gay, why didn't you tell me?”
“That's it? I'm with a vampire and you're concerned about my sexual orientation. Aren't you going to question my sanity?”
“Well, it's true you never liked Angel, or vampires for that matter. When did you realise you were into guys?”
“I don't know that I am, but I've never felt like this about anyone before, male or a female.”
Willow just looked at him, her mind racing with questions and the minutes passed by until the silence began to grow uncomfortable for both of them.
“Is this a rebound thing because of Anya?”
“No, I left her remember. It's the real deal, Will. I know it's hard to believe, but I love him. I'm staying here.”
“What about the happiness clause,” she managed finally. “how come he still has his soul?”
“The chances of him ever feeling the same way as he felt for Buffy again are remote. You can't replicate happiness Willow, all you can hope for are different kinds; what he had with Buffy was special.”
“Does he love you?”
A slow beam spread across his face. “Yes he does.”
“But not the way he loved Buffy?”
“Does that matter? Do you love Tara the same way you loved Oz? At least I get to be with him, and I don't have to worry about him turning into a bastard who tries to kill my friends.”
“Oh god, how will you tell Buffy?”
“I thought I'd tackle that by not. Telling her. Ever.”
“What about Angel, because so far as I know he isn't gay either.”
“I don't think that's it exactly, for either of us. I'm not saying I don't enjoy having sex with him, I do. It's amazing, and I'm sorry if that's too much information, but what I'm trying to say is that I don't particularly find other guys attractive. Ok, maybe Joaquin Phoenix has a certain charm … I just happened to fall in love with a guy instead of a woman.”
“Yeah a vampire guy.”
“Ok, well that part's harder to explain. Did I mention he's really hot?” He paused for a minute trying to read the expression on her face. “How wigged are you?”
“Buffy won't take this well.”
“I think she has other things on her mind, like say for instance Spike.”
“What?”
“I think it's over now, but they had … something. I don't know all the details.”
Willow's head reeled. “Oh god, I'm not a nun am I, or a priest? Perhaps I'm a confession box, I didn't do any bad spells did I? I should have guessed what it was, with her depression and his depression and the general weirdness that is them. Did Buffy tell you?”
“I sorta guessed and then Spike confirmed it; everybody here knows. Maybe she won't notice my life, she has enough to deal with, with her own.”
“Xander this is Angel we're talking about here, the love of her life remember.”
“I know and I feel guilty every time I think about that. But I didn't steal him from her, it's over between them, they've moved on. They've said their goodbyes.”
“Are you happy?”
Xander breathed out a heavy sigh. “Than I have been since forever.”
“Then I'm not wigged at all. Just very surprised, it may take some getting used to.” She hugged him. “Was it this hard for you when you found out about Tara and me?”
“Not really, but then Tara isn't Buffy's ex, or a demon. At least I'm staying true to my track record. Sure, it was a surprise, but I know you can be happy together.”
“If I leave the Magick's alone you mean.”
“How you doin' with that?”
“It's getting easier, but it's in me now, I've spoken to Giles and he knows of a coven in England that might be able to help me master it.”
“You have to go to England? For how long?”
“I don't know that I'm going yet, it isn't something I can just nip over and do in a weekend. We have to do this for Angel first. Oh goddess, how will you cope with a baby?”
Xander took in a deep breath. “The chances are he won't be a baby any more.”
~*~
They moved silently and swiftly over rooftops, across the city. They barely spoke but their history was screaming in Angel's head and the best way to deal with that seemed to be to simply ignore it for the time being.It was hard to acquaint the creature by his side with the headstrong vampire who had commissioned his torture with hot pokers in order to retrieve the Gem of Amara. But there were still vestiges of the guy who had beaten him down to win back Drusilla's affections when he couldn't do it through love. Love; it had always been Spike's downfall.
Now standing in the underground lot of Wolfram and Hart, Spike was smoking another cigarette and viewing Angel through narrowed eyes.
“Are you gonna spit it out or shall we just dance around it until lawyer lady makes an appearance. You can hit her with all the anger you're feeling towards me and then you can go home and pretend you were simply doing your job.”
“I'm not angry with you. In case you hadn't noticed, it's none of my concern what you do any more, you don't feed from humans, in fact you help them now, and what you do with Buffy is none of my business.”
There. It was out in the open, acknowledged. Spike's eyes widened as though he expected the words to fuel the flames of Angel's ire instead. He tilted his head back and surveyed him like a wary animal encountering a predator. He wasn't afraid of him, not any more, but it would pay to be ready if Angel decided to start something.
Angel looked back at him, his face wearing a neutral expression instead of the thunderous scowl that Spike expected.
“And here I was thinking you agreed to my being here so we could throw down.” He sniffed and drew on his smoke. “Is it possible you've developed a few new tactics other than hit or kill?”
“You're here because Xander said you would be helpful in getting Connor back. He's right, I need someone at my back who can handle himself.”
“What about the boy? Who's gonna watch his back?”
“I am and he's not a boy.” Spike relaxed, he could see some irritation now, at least this was familiar territory and he could have his say, knew what buttons to press safely. He laughed.
“You're unbelievable d'you know that? I thought you'd turned your back on the pleasures of the flesh after the last debacle. When d'you think you'll tire of him Angel? Will it be when you decide that male human flesh won't cut it any more and you get scared in case you Turn him? Remember how you do that?” His face seemed to collapse in on itself and he put his head down.
“Spike … I'm sorry, but it was a long time ago. I was soulless then.”
Spike rubbed his eyes with his fingers before pulling out another cigarette and lighting it with the one already lit. He inhaled deeply and forced out blue smoke, angry with himself for being the eternal fool.
“Ignore me, I'm just … It's hard. The truth is there's nothing for you to be angry about any more anyway. It's over, she doesn't love me. You spoiled her for anyone else.” He raised his head.
“Do you love him Angel? Because if you don't, I want you to let him go. He breaks easier than me, fragile human 'n' all that.”
Angel felt the usual guilt and shame slam into his chest and wondered how easily he could pull the pillars down that supported the walls surrounding them. His fists twitched and his nostrils flared but he kept his control.
“I love him, I won't … have no intention of doing anything to hurt him.”
When it came to his family, apart from Drusilla, Spike was his greatest sorrow. Not regret, he couldn't regret the way he'd turned out, riding all that life had thrown his way like a surfer on the crest of a wave. Here was a better man than Angel could ever be and he wished he'd been around to see his evolution and that he could have spared him some of the pain; but it was mostly the pain that had shaped him.
Spike had filled his shoes when he'd left Sunnydale and had done a far better job of walking in them so far. He'd adapted to his circumstances and adopted a new family. Perhaps when Buffy got over her martyr complex she would realise this and appreciate him. He hoped so for Spike's sake, although he doubted she deserved the depth of love that Spike was capable of giving to her.
“And of course there isn't even the tiniest chance that Angelus might make an appearance because Xander doesn't make you feel like she does.”
Angel didn't try to mask his exasperation and his voice rose with each sentence.
“Did, Spike, past tense, and no, it's different. I don't love him any less than I loved Buffy, but it isn't likely that I'll ever put down my burden that way again. I never let myself forget all the things I've done and I could never get back the kind of bliss that was attached to her innocence.”
Spike stared at him and warring emotion rippled through his entire body. Each one found a counter point; jealousy and relief, sadness and joy, pain and elation. Ultimately Xander would have what he never had; Angel.
Angel looked away, the display on Spike's face was hard to watch and he was sick of feeling responsible for everything, things he could never change.
“Look, can we just concentrate on why we're here? There'll be plenty of time to rip each others guts out in Quor-toth.”
Spike grinned at him and let the tension fall from his shoulders. “Why are we here?”
“Lilah has information on the indigenous population and I need to know what we'll be up against, who Holtz might have recruited in case I ever found a way in.”
“Who'd have thought he would turn up like a bad penny after two hundred years ? It should be interesting to finally meet him, you've got to love that kind of dedication to the cause. Talking of bad pennies, Darla for Christ's sake!”
“Can we catch up on family business later? There's Lilah.”
Spike threw his cigarette butt down and they were both flanking her sides before she'd had time to turn off her car alarm. Barely ruffled by their appearance she merely shot Angel a knowing smile.
“Angel … and lackey. How predictable.”
“Lilah. You have something I want.”
She opened her briefcase and fished out a file. “Here, I was just bringing it over. You saved me a job.” Angel took it from her, suspicion written all over his face.
“Why?”
“There's only fun to be had on an uneven playing field when the side I want to win has the advantage. Here at Wolfram and Hart, we're very keen for you get your son back. Of course when you do, I won't be able to be your fairy godmother any more.”
She turned away from them and walked the short distance to her car and then looked back over her shoulder.
“I'm glad you sent Wesley away Angel, I've never seen misery look so pretty. See ya.”
She got into her car and pulled away without another glance.
“Christ Angel, is there anyone you meet who doesn't have the hots for you?”
“There's Gunn.”
Spike scanned the area quickly, ready to duck for cover. Getting shot wasn't his favourite past-time even if it couldn't kill him, and he looked at Angel incredulously when he realised he wasn't moving.
“Where?”
Angel smirked at him, a look they'd passed back and forth for almost twenty years, until time and unforeseen occurrence had separated them.
“Charles Gunn, he works for me, and so far impervious to my charms.”
“Well he has taste then; I like him already.” Angel ignored the comment, his job was done and he just wanted to get back to Xander.
“Let's get out of here. That was a lot easier than I expected and look, no bloodshed.” He started to walk and Spike lit up another cigarette and followed him.
“The night's still young, who knows who or what we might run in to on the way back to your place?” he countered happily. “I'm a bit puzzled here Angel, why didn't we come in the car?”
“Wolfram and Hart revoked my parking permit, besides I needed the exercise.”
They walked in silence for a couple of blocks and Spike risked a glance at Angel as they passed the corner of Seward and Westminster; memories of freer times bringing another bout of mixed emotion.
“Talking of charmers, does that Irish guy still work for you?”
“Who?” Angel's eyes narrowed. “If you're talking about Doyle I suggest you don't.”
“Why? Bad break-up.”
“No. He's dead and I don't want to talk about it!”
Spike was surprised at the level of bitterness in Angel's voice, and racked his brains for something else to talk about. He realised with some misery that there probably wasn't anything the two of them could talk about safely.
They passed a couple of bars, patrons spilling out onto the sidewalk and Spike knew that the two of them turned heads. He considered taking advantage of that fact, maybe he could chat to a pretty girl, preferably brunette or redhead, anything other than what filled his heart right now, to help him forget about Her.
He laughed at himself for entertaining the idea; meaningless sex would be just that and he'd still feel like shit in the morning. It was easier to talk to a bottle of bourbon, it didn't disagree with you or give you lip, and his own hand might just as well catch the spill of his retched emissions as some girl he wouldn't be able to face afterwards. He glanced at Angel again and thought of less free but more interesting times.
Bastard; why did he have to find Xander now?
~*~
Willow sat on the bed crossed legged and faced Xander.“There's a lot to be said for beer,” she said, “but the most important things are that it tastes good and I want more.”
Xander nodded sagely. “There is no bad here ... But I can't promise that thought will follow a time continuum. So, when you're barfing for America in the morning, don't say I didn't warn ya.”
Willow peered at him out of one eye. “Did you? Warn me I mean? Because it sounded a lot like you were agreeing with me.”
Xander picked up another piece of cooling pizza and folded it in half before shoving it unceremoniously into his mouth.
“If ou can reach it, it's oars,” he said around a mouthful of dough.
Willow leaned precariously over the edge of the bed and snagged a bottle from the ice bucket on the chair nearby. She swayed a little on the way back and Xander hoped she would at least topple sideways in slow motion so he would have time to catch her. With the luck of the inebriated on her side, she righted herself and grabbed the bottle opener off the cheese spattered tray.
Xander made short work of the pizza slice and lifted another beer for himself. He had a nice buzz on, but massive alcohol consumption after he and Anya had separated had dulled the effects, and it was a sobering task anyway keeping an eye on Willow. She just wasn't a drinker.
“You sleep with Angel.”
“Huh?”
“I'm saying it out loud to see if it makes it more believable. It's happened so fast all of this. Did you put out on the first date Mister?”
“I'm not swapping bedtime tales with you Will, I'm not that drunk.”
“I wasn't gonna. I would never tell you anything about me and Tara. I'm just curious and thought you might want to spill. You don't have to dot the eyes and cross the tees or anything but … how did it happen the first time?”
“I thought we were catching up, not turning your visit into an encounter group.” Willow pouted and frowned.
“You're right, maybe I shouldn't drink any more, I don't know what's gotten into me.”
“It's ok, you just needed to let your hair down. “
“What and to turn into a beer demon?” she shook her head and immediately wished she hadn't. “I think it's probably time to go to bed.”
“It's only nine thirty, maybe we should just go and make some coffee to sober you up, and I'm pretty sure there's some chocolate cake left from earlier. Gunn has good taste when he shops; unless it was Groo. When you think about it, every time he shops, he's gonna be like 'where are the hundreds of workers that provide so many loaves of bread so quickly'. And 'aren't cakes normally grey with less frosting?' Except he'd probably call them mumfalopes or podkins.”
Willow grinned at him.
“I can't wait to meet him. Someone from another dimension who isn't evil. It just goes to prove that you rarely end up with the things you dream about when you're a kid. And unless they have doctors or lawyers in Pylea, I'm guessing Cordelia settled.”
“Going with something different to what you hoped for isn't always a bad thing. Look at you, bet you wouldn't swap Tara for hairy ole me.” Willow laughed, delighted.
“You're not especially hairy, but I wouldn't swap Tara for anything.”
“Not anything? Not eternal life, the cure for cancer, the answer to world peace?”
“That's not fair! Maybe I could pretend to give her up for any one of those things and she could be my bit on the side.”
“Your what now? Ah, you're channelling Spike. I guess two hours in a car with him, he's bound to rub off on you; either that or drive you nuts.”
“D'you think they'll be alright, I mean if they fight d'you think they'll stop before one of them is dust?”
“What makes you think they'll fight?”
Willow looked at him as though she was about to question his sanity or his IQ.
“Ok, dumb question, but in my defence I have beer buzzing in my head and chocolate cake singing to me from downstairs. I don't think they'll fight, they're on the same team this time. Come on, let's see if Lorne or Fred are around.”
Willow swung her legs to the side of the bed and put her feet gingerly to the floor. “I'm warning you, I might not be good with the stairs. Don't you think they've been gone a long time?”
“It's only been a couple of hours. I'd know if something was up.”
Willow smiled at that.
“I know just what you mean.”
~*~
Angel parried blows that were no more taxing than a sparring session with Cordelia. The demon was big and bumbling and unable to move very quickly; as long as he avoided contact with its barbed proboscis there wasn't too much to worry about. The trick was not to get too close, one jab would quickly inject a toxin into his system that was ultimately lethal to vampires and meant instant death to humans.He was annoyed that he'd allowed himself to be cornered but screams had alerted them to the exact location of the street that Cordelia had directed them to. She'd told Angel to be extra vigilante with his own safety, but hadn't warned him that the street was a dead end. He didn't think the woman would ever stop screaming. She'd stood over the putrefying remains of her boyfriend, girlfriend, mother, whoever the hell it was, and didn't stop even when Angel had touched her shoulder and told her to run.
Spike roared as he readied himself for the next round; he was streaked with dirt and blood but so far none of it was his own. The ugly beast in front of him was just the thing he needed to vent his angst and frustration and the foul smelling creature never really had a chance.
He snapped his foot down hard over its right knee-cap and knocked it off its left foot with a sweep on the return. He loomed over it, fangs gleaming and eyes glowing and in triumph he grabbed it's head with a sickening twist and snapped its neck. He heard the echo as Angel's opponent met a similar fate and looked up into eyes that turned grim before flashing yellow.
He looked over his shoulder to see what had pissed Angel off and grinned mirthlessly. There were roughly ten more Thirst demons headed their way, shambling alongside one another and effectively cutting off their escape route. Angel tossed his head in the direction of the warehouse at the back of them.
“There's too many, there's only one thing for it.”
“Yeah,” Spike said shifting his weight from one foot to the other, fists already clenching at his sides, “what's that then?”
“Run!”
~*~
Xander lay on the bed naked. The comforter was trapped between his thighs covering all his tender parts, except for his face. Angel stood at the side of him, drinking in the vulnerability he displayed in sleep, and hunching down at the side of him, he reached out his hand to touch his cheek, softly, reverently, and waited for him to stir.“Angel?” he murmured.
“I'm right here.”
Xander lifted his arms towards him and opened his eyes, trying to focus on what he had been waiting for. Angel went into his embrace willingly, thankfully, and Xander was gratified that Angel wasn't wearing any clothes.
“I tried to wait up for you, sorry I fell asleep. Are you ok?”
“I'm fine, me and Spike had a run in with a couple of Thirst demons and had to lay low for a while. I tried to call but there was no answer. How are you?”
“I was starting to worry because I hadn't heard from you, but you're back now.”
He dragged Angel closer and mashed his lips on his, feeling the stubble that had sprung up since he'd last kissed him and his cock grew to hardness just because his lover was here. He swept his hands over his body, greedily, making sure Angel was real and not some gorgeous dream from which he would awaken unsatisfied.
“Love you Angel.”
He kissed him again, pushing his tongue past his lips to trace the contours within. Angel's hands were on him now, and the pressure he applied to every part he touched brought Xander fully to his senses and hungry for more. Angel pulled the comforter from him and covered his pulsating hardness with his lips. He engulfed him, licking and sucking, teasing the head with his teeth and lapping at the pre-cum that oozed as though he were a fine meal.
Xander groaned and thrust his hands into Angel's hair.
“So good …”
He bucked his hips up and Angel pushed them back down, pinned him to the bed and continued his oral ministrations. His own cock was dripping; he had been hard since he and Spike had walked through the doors of the Hyperion. He was desperate to give Xander satisfaction, to taste his come, and then he wanted nothing more than to bury himself in the tight heat of his body.
“Angel … oh god.” He arched his back as orgasm gripped him; nonsense spilled from his lips and pleasure spiralled from his balls and drenched his every extremity.
He slumped back on the bed and lay there wordlessly, vaguely aware that Angel was still milking him. His cock softened and Angel let it fall from his lips, then crawled up his body to kiss him. Xander wrapped his arms around Angel's upper body. He held him tight and Angel could feel the insistent thudding of his heart racing in his chest. He left a trail of kisses from his mouth to the beat in his throat, laving there, enjoying the feel of the rapid pulse against his tongue. Xander pushed Angel's head closer, knowing he wouldn't bite but willing to fool himself for moments that he would.
Angel dragged his mouth away and looked at him with lust-filled eyes. Xander rolled them over until he was on top, trapping Angel's length with his body and eliciting a hiss from him that made his toes curl in anticipation. He grabbed the lube from under the pillows and after kissing Angel one more time he pushed himself up and placed a knee either side of Angel's hips.
His eyes raked down Angel's torso, taking in the rose-coloured peaks of his nipples, the taut expanse of his chest and belly and finally alighted and rested on the still growing column of purple-hued flesh at the apex of his thighs. Pre-cum glistened in fine strands, and he reached down with one finger to touch them.
Angel closed his eyes and let out a contented sigh. A few seconds later he opened them again when he felt the slick coolness of lubricant being applied to his cock. He watched with rapt attention as Xander raised his body, lifted his cock and placed it at the entrance of his ass. Then he lowered himself, taking Angel in slowly, giving himself time to adjust to each inch that his body swallowed until he encased him and his balls and pubic hairs were cushioned against his perineum. Then he started to move, sliding up and down him, angling his downward thrust to stroke past his prostate.
Inner muscles clenched around him on the upstroke and the slippery channel massaged his cock with liquid heat, and Angel wanted it, needed to be buried within its confines. He started to raise his hips, and aching for more friction he clasped Xander's sides and urged him to move faster. Work roughened fingers circled Angel's nipples and pinched painfully on the hardened nubs. He'd missed it, the sweetness of pleasure and pain combined and he roared as he found his release.
Xander leaned forward so he could kiss him, hungry, wet, opened mouthed, his tongue dancing with Angel's, but still he could feel the grin that wanted to take control of his lips, a grin of triumph because Angel had shouted his name when he came. Angel pushed his hand between their bodies and enclosed his hand around Xander's still erect penis.
“You're still hard for me.”
“You don't appear to be losing column inches yourself.” He clenched his muscles around him and realised nothing could compare to being filled in this way. “Can we change positions without you having to take your cock out of my ass?”
“What did you have in mind?”
Xander started to pant. “I don't care, just as long as you do me hard.”
“You'll have to get off me for a minute, but stay on your knees.” Xander kissed him again and then slowly eased himself off.
Angel kneeled behind and pulled Xander back against him, then slid his hands under his arms so he could reach to stroke the front of his torso. He swept over nipples and upper body, down over his belly and hip bone and when he reached the weighty sac of his balls he cupped and fondled it. At the same he time bit across Xander's shoulders with blunt teeth, hard, but not enough to break the skin. He took his swollen member in his other hand and started to pump him slowly.
“Angel …”
But Angel's slick shaft was already nuzzling its way back inside him.
“Lean forward onto your hands.”
Xander did as he was bid, thrusting back onto Angel's cock with a satisfied shiver.
“If it gets too much you'll have to tell me, I don't want to hurt you.”
Xander was rigid between Angel's fingers and he thrust into them to encourage Angel to get on with it. Angel licked his lips in anticipation; if Xander wanted hard he would treat him to the benefit of vampire strength and speed. Holding one of Xander's hips Angel began to thrust, shallow, slow and teasing. He gripped his cock tighter, and pumped him in counter point, increasing his speed with each stroke and thrust.
Xander whimpered; it felt incredible. Each hit against his prostate got closer and closer together, until the pleasure from each bled together and became a mass. Angel slammed into him harder and harder, not missing a beat as he wanked him, and prayed to some faceless, nameless deity that Xander wouldn't ask him to stop.
Xander reached forward and held onto the headboard; it was pointless trying to thrust backwards because he couldn't keep up, but at least now he had something to brace himself against . He knew he couldn't last long with this kind of stimulation and as soon as he heard Angel snarl he spilled over his hand. He felt Angel let go inside of him, the whir of thrusts interrupted as he stilled, and then thrusting again as he rode out his pleasure.
Angel pulled Xander on his side as he collapsed on the bed, still connected to him and reluctant to let go even now. He hadn't noticed his demon come to the fore this time but he knew it was there. Yet he felt no embarrassment or shame when Xander looked back at him over his shoulder and smiled up into his face.
“Tell me you love me,” Xander whispered. “I need to hear you say it.”
Angel tried to speak around the lump that had formed in his throat. Telling anyone he loved them had never come easily to him and it didn't get any easier believing he might be free to say it on a regular basis, and still get to keep the object of his affection. He swallowed and leaned over to kiss the tip of his lover's nose.
“I love you,” he whispered back. “You can count on that, even if I don't always say it.”