Chapter 13- Sleeping Together

*****************************

Buffy walked Faith over to Xander’s, and made sure everything was OK (Riley was still out). Wearily, she headed home.

Mmm... sleep... oh, damn, Spike’s in my bed... mmmm... sleeping with Spike... argh! No! Bad Buffy! No sleeping with Spike!

Her interior monologue continued as she headed towards her room, checking along the way to see if there was anywhere else she could sleep.

Nope... well... better change into my pajamas first, checkup on the English Undead Patient, then figure out where I’ll sleep.

She opened her door softly, not wanting to wake the sleeping vamp, again hoping she could watch him sleeping peacefully. Instead, she once more found Spike moaning quietly, fighting some nightmare.

Buffy walked quickly towards him, seating herself gently on the edge of the bed. Spike had began settling down as she approached. Almost unintentionally, her hand caressed his face. Spike turned his face into her hand, nuzzling it in his sleep. He was even calmer now, deeply asleep.

Gently withdrawing her hand from his face, she went to change into her pajamas. As she went to the bathroom to get ready for bed, she could her Spike becoming restless again.

It’s not like there’s anywhere else to sleep anyways. Besides, I think I have a right to sleep in my own bed! But most importantly, Spike needs to sleep well if he’s ever going to heal.

Telling herself she was doing this for Spike, she headed back to her room. She got in to bed beside him, first making certain the blinds were closed so the vamp wouldn’t be burned in the morning.

As Buffy had expected, he’d quieted with her near. But what she didn’t expect was him rolling over closer to her.

Feeling his body cuddled up close to hers was almost more than she could handle. As irrational as it was, Buffy felt safe with him near, despite the fact that she was presently the stronger of the two.

Tears fell as she whispered softly, “I could get used to this.”

Buffy was about to allow herself to drift off into badly needed sleep, when she thought about what she’d just said. Yes, she could get used to this. She probably could allow herself to get emotionally closer to Spike, now that he was souled and sane.

But what would happen if he ever left again?

If? Try more like when. They all leave... Ok, so maybe Spike wouldn’t leave of his own volition, but someday he’d either be captured again or killed... and then where would I be? Where would I be if something happened to any of my friends? Probably I’d go all catatonic, like I did back when Glory took Dawn, and I just can’t do that again. Like it or not, I do have an army to lead.

Buffy was still pondering the dangers of allowing herself to be emotionally attached as she fell asleep.

*****

Buffy awoke early. She’d never been an early riser, to say the least, but she’d come to depend on this time of being alone in a house full of people.

Turning, she saw Spike, still sleeping peacefully. She slipped quietly out of bed and headed to shower. Thankfully, they didn’t have too much of a problem with hot water, so she could take a nice, long, scorching shower. She desperately needed the relaxation that gave her to handle the day ahead.

***

Xander and Anya came to the house first thing in the morning, before Xander had to go to work. Xander wanted to ask Buffy what training she had in mind for the potentials. Riley wanted to know, and decided it’d probably be better if he stayed away from Buffy’s house for a while.

Xander and Riley had a long talk after Riley awoke. The soldier seemed OK now, but Xander wouldn’t trust him near Spike or Buffy.

Anya stayed downstairs, helping Willow make breakfast for the potentials, while Xander went up to get Buffy. Willow had said she was probably asleep. While her friend hated to wake her, he really needed to get to his job.

He knocked on her door quietly, then opened it as he got no response. Xander crept in and leaned over the bed to wake the Slayer. To his shock, Spike lay there, sleeping.

Oh! He mentally slapped himself. Right, I forgot Buffy had Spike sleep in her room... guess I’d better go figure out where she slept.

He exited Buffy’s bedroom. Turning, he nearly bumped into Buffy, swathed in her robe after her shower.

Seeing him, Buffy immediately assumed there was a problem. “Xander! What’s wrong?”

“No, nothing’s wrong, just needed to talk to you real quick.”

“Uh, can it wait till I’ve got some clothes on?” Buffy said, indicating her state of undress.

“Actually, I kinda gotta get going. Riley just wanted to know specifically what training he was to give the girls.”

“All right, I’ll give him a call. How’s he doing?” she asked hesitantly

“He’s... well, he’s dealing, I guess. Seems saner than last night.” Xander knew he shouldn’t ask, but he couldn’t resist. “Just out of curiosity, where did ya sleep last night, Buff?”

She glared at him, knowing why he was asking. “In my room. Do you have a problem with that?”

“You slept with him?! Geez, Buff, I mean, I was trying to be a bit more accepting of the Evil Undead, but you’re already back to where you were last year-”

Buffy interjected, “Yes, I did sleep with him, but-”

Having heard her declaration, Xander didn’t let her finish. He began ranting and raving, incensed at the thought of his friend sleeping with the bleached vamp.

Buffy tried unsuccessfully to interrupt his torrent of words.

Just as Xander was going on about how disgusting it was that she would do such a thing, a new voice piped up.

“Xander, when she said they slept together, she means they slept together. Not that they had sex.”

Buffy and Xander swung around to face Anya, who was standing there, hands on her hips.

“What- what makes you say that, Ahn?”

“Oh, just look at Buffy. She’s got some serious unrelieved sexual tension going on there. You know,” Anya turned to Buffy, “I’ve heard that’s really very unhealthy, and a healthy Slayer is a Slayer who can keep me alive so I can have orgasms, that’s what I always say, so maybe you should do something about that.”

Buffy looked at the ex-demon in amusement. “Thanks Anya.”

“Anytime. I’ll just be heading back downstairs now. Oh, Xander, I think this is one a time for one of those apologies you’ve explained to me about.”

Having said her fill, Anya went back downstairs, leaving Xander and Buffy to face off in the hallway.

Xander looked away from his friend, ashamed. “Was... was Anya right?”

Buffy sighed. “Yeah, Xander, she was. But it shouldn’t matter even if she wasn’t. I’ve told you before, my life is my life. And Spike is a good man.”

Spike blearily stuck his head out her door just in time to catch her declaration. He grinned. “Glad you still think so.”

Buffy grinned back at him. “Hey sleepyhead, wanna clear out of my room so I can get dressed?”

“Oh, but I wanna watch!” Spike mock leered at Buffy.

She swatted at him, laughing. “Go get yourself some blood, then make yourself useful and train some of the girls in the basement. I have to go to work, I’ll see you later.”

Spike nodded his agreement, and moved aside to give the petite blonde room to enter. Her door shut, leaving the two men alone.

Xander looked at Spike. “How much of that did you hear?”

“Most of it. You really have that much of a problem with me, huh. Know somethin’, Whelp? I don’t care. But Buffy doesn’t need your shit.”

Xander nodded, accepting the vamp’s words. “Yeah, I know... and I am trying to be OK with you, for her sake. But it’s hard. I’ve got quite a habit of hating you. Sorry.”

Spike looked at the boy in surprise. First Buffy apologized to him, then Xander. He was afraid something so unnatural really must herald the end of the world.

He continued to be surprised as Xander added, “Maybe we could talk. Later. About.... I don’t know, stuff.”

Spike agreed, and Xander headed off, thankful to be away from the complicated house on Revello Drive.

Chapter 14- Leave it to a Former Vengeance Demon

*****************************

Xander arrived home from a long day of construction, exhausted, and not looking forward to his talk with Spike. He’d just stopped home to check on things before heading over to Buffy’s house. As much as he hated the thought of actually talking in a civilized manner to Spike, he wanted to get it over with.

Walking in, he found his apartment surprisingly quiet. Figuring everyone was out, he muttered sarcastically, “Honey, I’m home.”

Not expecting any reply, he was startled when a voice said, “Don’t call me honey.”

Anya stepped around the corner.

“Ahn! What are you doing here?”

“Buffy sent me over a few days ago. Did you forget about me that quickly?” Anya snapped.

“What! No, I just figured everyone was out... where are they, anyway?”

“Out. They were going to go hang out at a park, then after sundown to a cemetery. Are you going patrolling with them?”

“Don’t think I can. I have to.. ugh.. go talk to Evil Undead Boy.” Xander grimaced.

“Xander, what is your problem with Spike?”

“Well, the fact that he’s an evil demon might have something to do with it!”

Anya rolled her eyes. “He has a soul, remember? Not evil, now. Actually, not really evil for a while now.”

Xander remained stubborn. “Yeah, but he was an evil demon...” he trailed off, remembering that his ex-fiancée was also formerly an evil demon. He cleared his throat. “And he slept with you-”

“That was consensual. It was a mistake, yeah, but we were both hurting, so we had sex. Get over it.”

Xander winced. “Fine, well, I don’t like what he did to Buffy. I don’t think you know about it-”

“The attempted rape? I heard something about it.”

(A/N: I don’t know if Anya was told, but let’s pretend she knew)

“Well, doesn’t that give me some reason to hate the bastard? He tried to rape Buffy!”

Anya was starting to lose her temper. “Yeah, he did. But know something? I got the feeling she didn’t treat him too well, either. And, most importantly, if there’s one thing I learned in over a millennium of avenging the wrongs done to women, it’s that the main thing isn’t just what the guy does, but how it affects the woman involved. I think Buffy recovered just fine from the attempted rape. After all, she knew he was a soulless demon. Plus, Spike felt so bad that he went and got a soul, which let me tell you, is not an easy decision for a demon to make!
However, when a human being- one who supposedly has a soul, and is good- stands a woman up on her wedding day, the most important day of her life, one she’d been planning for a long time, well... considering what that did to her, I’d say that’s worse than what Spike did to Buffy.”

Anya whirled around and went into a bedroom, slamming the door behind her. Xander stared after her, slack-jawed.

***
 

Chapter 15- Too Close to Home
 

*****************************

Buffy slammed the door behind her and heaved an exaggerated sigh. Once again, she bitterly thought, Home, sweet home. After the day she’d just had, all she wanted to do was rest and relax in the silence, maybe take a bubble bath, and then sleep for several days straight. But could she? Nope.

Stupid responsibilities, she grumbled silently. With a shake of her head, she forced herself to think about all the things she needed to do.

She walked into the kitchen to find the Potentials (plus Dawn) sitting around, eating, gossiping, and making a mess.

They quieted down as they saw the Slayer. Her sister stood up to greet her. “Hey Buffy, whatcha doin’ home so late?”

Buffy groaned. “Principal Wood. Wanted to talk to me. Man, that guy’s weird. Either he’s evil, or insane, or... or something.” She abruptly changed the subject, not wishing to discuss her weird meeting with the Principal. “So what did you girls do today?” Buffy asked, turning to the Potentials.

Kennedy (whom Buffy had already discovered tended to be rather bossy and take-chargey) spoke up. “We trained for a while with Spike, but he’s still pretty beat up from the First torturing him.”

The girls shifted uncomfortably. Buffy couldn’t decide whether this was due to the fact that Spike was an incredibly strong, formerly evil, vampire- or the reminder that the First had beaten up this inhumanly strong being.

“All right, well, you girls up for some real fighting tonight?”

Buffy was hoping for a rousing chorus of yes’es; instead, she got a few murmured ‘yeah’s, a couple really quiet ‘no’s’ and a loud ‘I’m ready,’ from Kennedy.

Great. Just great. Girls who could (potentially) have to save the world are a bunch of wimps. Well, Kennedy’s not a wimp, just overconfident. Maybe Willow can keep her ego under control. Speaking of which...

“Hey, where’s Willow?”

Dawn replied, “I think she and Connor are talking somewhere about some of his experiences or something.”

The girls giggled at the mention of Connor’s name. Buffy personally didn’t see the appeal, but then again, maybe she was just weirded out by the fact that she had dated his father.

Dawn added, “I think Spike’s downstairs.”

Buffy nodded her thanks and headed down after admonishing the girls to clean up after themselves, and reminding Dawn to do her homework. Poor Dawn... having her house invaded, dealing with high school on the Hellmouth, an apocalypse...

She sighed. Thinking of the high school had reminded her of a girl she’d dealt with today. The girl’s problems had struck a little too close to home. The girl, Amy, had lost several people she’d loved. About a year ago she lost her parents, whom she’d been very close to, and had to move in with her grandmother.

After her parent’s deaths, she became incredibly dependent on her boyfriend Ron, in an unhealthy way. From what Buffy heard, Ron was an OK guy, and really did love Amy. However, he encouraged her dependence on him rather than urging her to seek therapy since he didn’t want to lose her.

How their slightly twisted relationship would have ended was a mystery, never to be solved. Ron had gotten drunk one night, and drove smack into a train.

Amy had been very bright, getting very good grades and participating in many extra-curriculars. After her parents died, she cut back on the extra-curriculars, but still managed to keep up her grades. She’d been hoping for a scholarship to U.C. Sunnydale.

But since Ron’s death two months ago, Amy had all but dropped out of life. Her grandmother had managed to get her to go to school occasionally, but she did no work. She was about as close to being in a catatonic state as you can get without actually being in one. She moved, she ate, she breathed, but she didn’t live.

Not surprisingly, Buffy had been unable to reach her. But Amy’s case had given the school counselor much to think about. She’d lost her dad, Angel, Riley, her mom, and Tara. She’d survived most of those with the help and support of her friends. When she’d killed Angel, she dealt with it by going to hell, but had crossed out that method of recovery for the future.

The time she’d thought she’d lost Dawn, she’d shut down so completely that Willow had to enter her mind and find her.

With this new apocalypse shaping up to be the worst yet, she knew she might lose more of her friends. Yet she also knew that she, as General Buffy, could not afford to shut down or run away again.

So in the free time she had between talking to students, Buffy thought. She thought about the past, she thought about her friends, family, and lovers she’d lost, she thought about the future, she thought about it all.

After all her thinking, she came to one simple conclusion: she couldn’t allow herself to be emotionally close with anyone. It was a thought that had occurred to her the night before with Spike. It had felt way too good to sleep at his side. She decided he was going to sleep in the basement from now on.

And it looked like perhaps he’d already anticipated her request. He understood her like no other. It was really quite nice, having someone around who understood her- No! Not nice. Thinking Spike’s understanding me is nice leads to bad, emotional stuff. So, no, not nice. Huh-uh. Nope. I don’t want to be understood...

Her silent, internal diatribe against herself continued as she made her way down the stairs, towards the vampire who understood her- which was totally not a good thing...


***
 

Chapter 16: Explaining Without Emotion
 

***

Spike felt her before he heard or saw her. He’d told the girls he would tidy up after their training session, but mostly he just wanted to rest without anyone seeing how hurt he was.

When Buffy came down, he sat up on the cot he’d found earlier.

The bleached vamp greeted her curiously. “Hey Slayer, what’s up?”

Clearly she’d been deep in her own thoughts and was startled by the sound of his voice.

“Huh? Oh. Hey Spike. Uh, nothing’s up, just thought we should talk... you know, about the girls training session and stuff.”

Spike got the sense that the Potentials weren’t really what the Slayer wanted to talk about, but he knew better than to argue.

“Right, well, then...” Spike proceeded to tell her about the training session. While training young girls wasn’t really something at which he was experienced, fighting certainly was. He felt he’d been able to teach the girls a thing or two, and actually felt proud when one of them got a move he’d shown her. You’re gettin’ to be another soddin’ poofter, he berated himself. Stupid soul.

Buffy did try and listen to what Spike was saying, though at first she was a bit distracted by her own thoughts. Soon though, she started really listening and realized, Spike actually enjoyed this! He liked teaching the girls. Weird.

When he’d finished, she remained silent for a moment.

“All right then. I’m taking the girls out patrolling tonight. I’ll bring along Connor, see if he really can fight.”

“I offered to ‘ave him train with us, but I think he needed to be away from the gals for a bit. I can certainly understand that.”

Buffy’s first instinct was to say something along the lines of, ‘Aww, are human girls about a hundred years younger than you too much for you to handle?’ But she resisted. She wanted to keep this business-like. No personal stuff. No teasing... no fun allowed... she sighed...

Spike continued, a bit surprised Buffy hadn’t taken the opening he realized he’d given her with his last words. “So, what time do we leave for patrol?”

Buffy shook her head. “You’re not going.”

“I’m- wha’? I’m not goin’?”

“No. You’re still hurt.”

Spike got defensive. “What makes you think that?”

“First of all, I can tell, ‘cause... I can just tell.” Buffy paused briefly, realizing that sometimes she understood Spike, too - and not just physically. Determined to ignore all thoughts along those lines, she resumed. “Also, one of the Potentials said she thought you were hurt.”

Spike groaned. So one of the girls had noticed, eh? Oh well. There goes my Big, Bad, Evil and Scary image. “Lemme guess. Was it that chit, Kennedy?”

“Uh, yeah, how’d you know?”

He shrugged. “Just figured. Kinda a nosy gal. Good fighter, but overconfident. Might want to do something about that. Maybe Willow could help with that, I noticed the two of them are gettin’ pretty close. I hope Red’s movin’ on... not that I didn’t like Glinda...”

Buffy stopped listening at this point while he nattered on for a bit. She closed her eyes briefly. Damn! Exactly what I was thinking... that’s not fair! He shouldn’t.... She wasn’t able to end that thought, since she didn’t know what he ‘shouldn’t’ do. Shouldn’t have the same insights and thoughts as she did?

“...I’ll never forget when I hit her that one time ‘cause she thought she was a demon...” Spike realized Buffy wasn’t listening. “Uh, Slayer? You in there?”

Her eyes snapped open. “What? Oh! Yeah, I was listening... and that reminds me... about your chip...”

Uh-oh. “What about my chip?”

She took a deep breath. “Riley said... the chip was only meant to be temporary, since it was so experimental... the Initiative had planned on replacing it later on.”

“So you’re tellin’ me, what, tha’ my chip may not be workin’ any more?”

Buffy nodded.

Spike swallowed. I guess that’s that. Used up more than my fair share of time on this Earth. “Gonna put me down now?”

“What?!” Buffy exclaimed. He thought I was going to ‘put him down’ like some dog? “I didn’t let Riley kill you, and if I was going to do it, I would have already done it. No, Spike, I am not going to ‘put you down,’ I wouldn’t kill a soiled being. I just thought you should know, all right?”

He winced. Buffy sounded pretty pissed, and he had to admit she had a point. He didn’t know why exactly he’d said that, except that for so long, during the time post-chip but pre-soul, he’d known that the chip was all that was keeping Buffy from killing him. She would never kill a ‘harmless’ being.

Except he hadn’t needed to be harmless. He could have gone with Drusilla, could have gotten minions to kill for him. But he hadn’t. Shouldn’t that have counted for something?

He shook off his pointless pondering.

“Uh, yeah, thanks for tellin’ me an’ all...”

“Yeah, ya know, in case any evil humans come around. Like Ethan Rayne. I think the army put him away for good, but if he comes back, you’re free to hurt him. Ugh, just thinking of that chocolate bar incident... I can still picture my mom and Giles... and the time he turned Giles into a demon, and...” Buffy trailed off, realizing she was babbling. Bad Buffy! Back to business.

Spike was staring blankly at her. “Uh... your mum and Giles?”

“Never mind,” Buffy said hastily. “Anyway, so, I just wanted to tell you about the chip. So, I’ll just, um, be going. Upstairs. For patrolling. Ok, bye-” She stood up to leave, but stopped as Spike grasped her arm.

“Buffy, wait. There are some things I’ve been thinkin’ about... and worryin’ about... maybe you ought keep me locked up again, in case the First ever gets into my brain again... in fact, maybe I should just leave...”

Despite all of Buffy’s attempts to keep herself unemotional, this last statement really hit her hard. They all leave.... “No!!”

Her vehement shout surprised them both. She continued, more quietly. “I just mean, no. I don’t think the First can get in to your head again.”

Spike cocked his head at her curiously. “What makes you think that?”

“Well...” Buffy said, stalling for time as she tried to think up a reason for why she’d said that. Honestly, she didn’t know why... “Um, because you told me that the First was tryin’ to get you to join its side, in the cave, right?”

He nodded.

She continued. “The way I see it is, why would the First have had to do that if it could just control you? Plus, I know you can fight it off, like you did in that basement... especially now that you’re all, ya know, sane and stuff.”

“Couldn’t stop myself from biting Andrew.”

“Yeah, well, can’t blame ya for that one,” Buffy joked. Argh, no joking allowed, she reminded herself. “Seriously, if the First could still control you, why wouldn’t it have had you kill me last night? Besides, I think you can fight it. Just lemme know if you start seein’ or hearin’ weird things, k?”

“Will do.”

Buffy got up to leave once more. As she headed up the stairs, Spike’s voice once more stopped her.

“It... it means a lot to me that you believe in me. That I can fight it, I mean. Thanks.”

She felt a rush of emotion at his heartfelt words. Meaning so much to someone was scary, but at the same time gave her a great feeling of confidence.... No. No no no no no. Doesn’t mean anything.

Buffy turned away silently, her face empty.

***
 

Chapter 17: Spike and Scoobies


****

A/N: ~ ~ ~ indicates a flashback. Read, enjoy, and review!!

***

Two weeks later....

Dawn lay sprawled on her bed, reading the latest YM magazine, enjoying the silence. The Potentials were out, along with Buffy, Connor, and Willow. Due to a sprained ankle she’d received the day before while fighting, Dawn had remained home.

She knew Spike was around somewhere, since he was recuperating from being stabbed in the stomach while trying to protect one of the Potentials a few nights earlier, but she figured he wouldn’t bother her. They hadn’t talked since... since he’d tried to do... that.... to her sister.... Dawn halted that train of thought. She was determined to just enjoy her solitude and not think serious thoughts.

Instead, she set down her magazine and began daydreaming about Connor, her latest crush.

Of course, his father was a vampire with a soul, and his mother was a vampire who had been staked, then brought back as human, then staked again. Or something; Dawn only knew what little she did from eavesdropping, as usual. And his father was her sister’s ex-boyfriend, whom her sister had had to kill and send to hell to save the world. Plus, Connor had grown up in another dimension with a man who’d taught him to hate his real father... but hey, she had originally been a big ball of energy, put into human form by a coupla monks a few years ago, a hell god had bled her to end the world, and then her sister had died to save it... So they’d be a couple of freaks on the Hellmouth. Nothing new there.

***

Spike paused outside her door. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. He’d made up with Xander and Giles, but had yet to do so with Dawn.

He and Xander had talked, really talked, for the first time ever. The Whelp wasn’t too bad, once you got to know him, Spike mused. Xander had explained all about his conversation with Anya, which hadn’t been easy for him. He’d also said some other surprising things.

~ ~ ~

Spike sat on his cot in the basement, smoking, while Xander paced. “And another thing. See, I realized part of the reason I hated Angel so much back in high school was ‘cause Buffy loved him.”

Spike flinched at this, but reluctantly had to admit it was true, though he hoped Xander wasn’t going to dwell on that point.

“And, see, back then I... I kinda sorta had a really big crush on her. So I think some of my hatred towards Angel was just jealousy, ya know? Then came the whole ‘Angelus’ deal, and I felt vindicated in my hatred of Angel, only Angel and Angelus were really different people and... say, why aren’t you really different now? I mean, now that you’re sane and all, you’re still, well, pretty much the same ol’ Spike.”

Xander paused, waiting for a response. Spike merely shrugged, since he didn’t fully understand, either. Xander continued on with his ramblings.

“Ok, so anyway, I think that’s where a lot of the hate towards Angel came from. And you’re a vampire, too, so I guess somehow it just seemed natural to hate you. And then I hated you ‘cause you tried to kill us, but then I realized that Willow ‘n Buffy ‘n Faith have tried to kill us, too, and I’ve forgiven them all... Though bein’ around Faith is still a little weird. Ummm... where was I?

Again, Spike remained silent, since he wasn’t really sure himself where the boy had been. Xander eventually figured out what he was trying to say.

“I think my point is that my hatred towards Angel -which kinda got transferred to you- was pretty irrational, and that all of my reasons for hating you were kinda quashed by Anya so, well, I don’t hate you anymore.”

Spike blinked. What the bloody hell does he expect me to say to that? But apparently Xander wasn’t finished.

“I don’t really like the idea of you and Buffy, you know, being together... but I’m all for what’ll make her happy. Just ... do you truly love her?”

“Yeah, I do. I know how wrong I was to try and... force her, but... I knew that and, well, I got this bleedin’ soul for her, didn’t I?”

“Would you ever hurt her again?”

“Never,” Spike stated emphatically.

“Ok, then. I think we’re good.”

After a bit of small talk, Xander departed. He and Spike had remained on good terms since. They would never admit to being friends, and in fact they still snapped at each other as they always had. However, now their comebacks were really just for their amusement, and both privately conceded that the other was pretty funny.

~ ~ ~

Spike had even come to a truce of sorts with the Watcher, once he’d returned. Of course, Giles had insisted hearing all about getting his soul, which was not a pleasant story to tell. The Watcher also wanted to hear about torture at the hands of the First, including every bloody thing she’d ever said or had done to him. He’d even had Spike take off his shirt so he could sketch out the scars the vampire still had from the ritual bloodletting.

Spike had spent a long time trying to figure out the Watcher’s change in demeanor towards him. Finally though, he figured the Watcher had a similar set of ideas as Buffy: soul=good, no soul=bad. From what Spike had heard, while he hadn’t been happy about it, Giles hadn’t objected too heavily to Buffy’s relationship with Angel, and had even been able to get along with Angel after the time where he’d once again been Angelus and killed Giles’ girlfriend.

Obviously, Giles thought the soul made Spike a completely different person, one absolved from everything he’d done while soulless. Spike himself didn’t see things that way, but decided not to argue.

***

Dawn was shaken out of her thoughts by a soft knocking at her door. She gave an exaggerated sigh. Having her door closed, and her room to herself, was such a privilege these days.

Still, she reluctantly called out, “Come in.”

The door opened slowly to reveal a bleached blonde vampire. Dawn sat up quickly. Spike looked hesitant.

“What do you want?” she snapped.

“To talk.”

“Well, maybe I don’t want to talk to you,” Dawn said in her best sulky teenager voice.

“Look, I know you hate me, and I accept that. But this isn’t about you, it’s about your sister.”

“Isn’t it always?” she said sullenly.

“Fine, I’ll leave then!” Spike said, exasperated with the girl. He knew Dawn well enough to know that she was being purposefully annoying.

To his surprise, her voice stopped him before he closed the door.
“No, Spike, wait... I guess you can come in.”

He turned, smiling. Then paused as he regarded the strip of light still streaming through her window. Dawn’s window faced west, so it caught the last rays of the sun. Buffy had taken the girls out before sunset so she could have them situated before nightfall.

Dawn looked up to see him still standing at the threshold. Impatiently, she repeated, “I said you can come in.”

“Uh, Nibl- I mean, Dawn, think you could close the blinds?”

“What?” Dawn looked over and saw his predicament. “Oh. Right. Sorry.” She got up and closed the blinds. She’d been around vampires enough that she should have realized the sun problem without him saying anything.

“Thanks, Bit - uh, Dawn.” Spike entered the room, sitting backwards on her desk chair as Dawn retreated to her bed. Dawn, Dawn, Dawn, he chanted. I’ve lost any right I may have had to call her by pet names, Spike reminded himself.

Dawn cleared her throat uncomfortably. “So. What’s up with Buffy now?”

He frowned. “Well... look, th’ Slayer has pulled away from me, emotionally.” Before Dawn could say anything, he cut her off, saying, “and that’s fine, I get that. But ‘ve noticed she’s been backin’ away from her friends. And you, too. I was just... worried about her, that’s all. Don’t want her goin’ all catatonic again.”

Dawn wrinkled her brow in confusion. “Buffy? Go catatonic?”

Oh bloody hell, guess no one told Dawn... “Umm... right, well, anyway, so I was worried ‘bout her-”

“No, wait a sec, what was that bit about the catatonic ‘again’?”

Spike groaned. He knew Dawn was just as stubborn as her big sister. He gave in. “Right after Glory took you, Buffy went catatonic. She... she wouldn’t snap out of it...” he trailed off, remembering how awful the feeling of helplessness was when he realized he could do nothing for the woman he loved. “Willow did some sort of mind to mind spell or something, got her out of it. I probably shouldn’t ‘ave said anythin’, but I kinda figured someone woulda told ya... guess not though.”

Dawn shook her head. Either no one thought to tell her, or they thought she was to young to handle it. Most likely the latter. She wasn’t surprised that Spike would tell her though, he never treated her like a baby. That was part of the reason she’d enjoyed his company so much... but that was in the past, she reminded herself. He tried to rape your sister, remember?

But then he’d gone to Africa and endured torture to get a soul, and then had come back all insane... she was very confused. It seemed like everyone else had managed to forgive him. Maybe she should just allow herself to forgive him, too...

Spike realized Dawn had zoned out on him then. “Look, I just wanted to warn ya that I think something’s up with your big sis. Keep an eye on her, k?”

“I will.”

Spike turned to go, but Dawn’s voice stopped him.

“Spike... if you want to talk sometime... like we used to... I think I’d like that.”

He turned back to her, and smiled. “I’d like that too, Nibblet.”

She smiled at the use of her nickname once again, letting him know that was ok.

At that moment, his stomach growled at him.

“Hey Platelet, you hungry?”

“Yeah, kinda.”

“How ‘bout I make you a salami and peanut butter sandwich?”

Dawn jumped up. “Yeah!!”

He laughed as they headed downstairs.

***

 

Chapter 18: Scooby Seminar (Sans Slayer)


********************

One week later....

Giles cleared his throat, getting everyone’s attention. “Thank you all for coming today. There is an important matter which I believe needs to be discussed.”

Spike rolled his eyes, wishing the Watcher would just get on with it already.

Giles had asked Spike, Willow, Xander, Anya, and Dawn to meet him in the Summer’s basement just after school let out. Since Buffy usually stayed late, working, he figured they could have some time to talk without her noticing. Not that she likely would, he mused, which is exactly the problem.

Giles realized he had stopped talking, due to the digression in his thoughts. Everyone was staring at him, waiting for him to continue. “Yes, right. I’ll just come right out and tell you all why I brought you here.”

Everyone fidgeted while he cleaned his glasses.

Considering how impatient he normally was, Spike had been very forbearing so far, but that was enough. “Come on, Watcher, spit it out already!”

Giles gave a “Harumph” and glared at Spike, but did continue. “As anyone who has fought with Buffy lately may have noticed, there seems to be a serious deterioration in her fighting skills.”

Spike, Dawn, and Willow nodded knowingly. They’d all patrolled with Buffy recently. Anya and Xander looked a bit bewildered and worried.

Dawn spoke up next. “Yeah, I’ve noticed. It’s like... like she’s the Buffybot, you know? She’s programmed to fight, and she does, but without emotion.” She paused, considering. “Actually, I think the Buffybot had more emotion than Buffy has been showing lately.”

Willow agreed. “Yeah. Plus, all the little comebacks she always had are gone. It kinda gives me the wiggins, watchin’ Buffy fight so silently. It’s just not normal.”

Dawn came in with yet another piece of evidence, eager to participate. “Oooh! And- get this- I borrowed her favorite shirt the other day, and it got stained, so I threw it away- and she didn’t even notice!”

Everyone was suitably impressed with this, knowing how important clothing was to their favorite slayer.

Giles took charge once again. “Very well, so we all agree that there is something wrong with Buffy. Now, does anyone know when and why this may have started?”

“The ‘when’ would be about 3 weeks ago,” Spike said. “She was fine the day she rescued me, and the night and morning after that. But then, she was... different somehow.” He shrugged, mutely conveying his inability to express exactly how she was different. “As for the ‘why’ part of it.... well, she’s Buffy. She’s been scared of her emotions since I met ‘er. This is the same thing, just more of it.”

Xander questioned, “Ok, yeah, I get that, but still, why now? Why has her avoidy-ness gotten worse lately?”

Spike stared at the boy as if he were brain-dead. “Hello!! Mother ‘f all apocalypses comin’ up! She’s afraid she’ll lose somebody... and she’s probably right.”

They all remained silent for a moment, pondering this.

Anya, who had been very quiet up until now, broke the silence. “Ok, I’m confused. Buffy doesn’t fight well without her emotions. Not fighting well leads to more of her friends dying. But, as I understand it, the whole no-emotions thing is so that she won’t be hurt... or something.” She frowned. “Stupid, illogical humans.”

Spike grinned at her. “Right there with ya on that one. Especially the Slayer. She’s not exactly known for her logic.”

Willow frowned. “Well, I see what you two are saying, but... doesn’t anyone else remember what happened when Glory took Dawn?”

Anya and Spike nodded; Xander and Giles shifted uncomfortably, unaware that Dawn knew.

Xander glanced at the Slayer’s sister and tried to cover. “Right, yeah, Buffy, um... was upset.”

Dawn rolled her eyes. When will they realize I’m not a kid anymore? “It’s ok, Xander. I know.”

He breathed a sigh of relief. She already knew and seemed ok with it. “Oh. Ok, then... uh, Will, what was your point?”

“My point was that maybe she’s afraid that’ll happen to her again. That she’ll freeze up, I mean, if someone’s taken or killed. And she’s got even more responsibility now. She has to protect all of the girls...”

“Bollocks.” Spike said.

Everyone stared at him; Willow started to protest.

He cut her off. “Oh, you’re right ‘bout the fact that she has more responsibility now, Red. What I meant was that she wouldn’t freeze up again.”

Although he agreed, Giles couldn’t help but ask curiously, “What makes you so certain?”

Spike shrugged. “I know her, is all. She’s changed a lot since Glory, grown up and matured and whatnot. I hate to sound like a poof, but she just needs to have faith in herself.”

Giles nodded, agreeing with the vampire’s assessment of his slayer. “Well, the real reason I gathered you all here today was so that we could decide what to do about it.”

Xander wondered, “What can we do? I mean, to say Buffy’s a little stubborn is like... like... saying Spike is a little annoying.”

The offended party responded. “Hey! You wanker! .... But yeah, Buffy’s stubborner than an ox. And I’ve dealt with oxen.”

“Really?” Xander wanted to know.

“Yeah. See, this one time Dru-”

Anya cleared her throat. “Excuse me? Could we concentrate here?”

Both Spike and Xander shot her an apologetic glance and murmured, “Sorry.”

“Humph, well, that’s better. Anyway, any have any ideas? I’d like to live through this apocalypse and with the way Buffy is now, sounds like that may not happen.” She turned to Giles. “What about that thing she did a couple years ago? Right around the time that Spike was having sex with the Buffybot.”

Spike would have reddened. Thank goodness vampires can’t blush!

Giles answered Anya’s question. “The quest? I’m afraid that only works once. She was given her answers.” And I suspect she’s scared of them, he added silently.

~ ~ ~ ~ (Giles memory of what Buffy told him the First Slayer said) ~ ~ ~ ~

FIRST SLAYER: You think you're losing your ability to love.

BUFFY: I-I didn't say that. (sighs) Yeah.

FIRST SLAYER: You're afraid that being the Slayer means losing your humanity.

BUFFY: Does it?

FIRST SLAYER: You are full of love. You love with all of your soul. It's brighter than the fire ... blinding. That's why you pull away from it.

BUFFY: (surprised) I'm full of love? I'm not losing it?

FIRST SLAYER: Only if you reject it. Love is pain, and the Slayer forges strength from pain. Love ... give ... forgive. Risk the pain. It is your nature. Love will bring you to your gift.... Death is your gift.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Giles thoughts continued. She is rejecting her love. She thinks it’s too painful, too bright, for her... but Spike’s right, she can handle this... his mental ramblings were interrupted by Xander.

“Hey! What about a magic spell? Like, one to get her to open-up a bit.”

Anya rolled her eyes. “Haven’t you learnt by now that spells messing with emotions tend to turn out badly? I heard about that spell you got that witch to do in high school- you know, that one where every girl liked you but the one you wanted. No, emotions tend to be difficult to deal with, magically speaking. That’s why with vengeance I usually kept with the physical torment, like having someone’s intestines come out their ears-”

She was cut off by a chorus of “Eww”s from Dawn, Xander, and Willow.

Anya huffed indignantly. “You’d think by now you people would be used to descriptions of a little torment. And intestines out of the ears is nothing! Why, this one girl wished that-” she paused, for once catching the disgusted looks everyone was giving her. She took the hint. “But anyway, back to the subject. I don’t think magic will cut it. Besides who would do the spell?”

Willow looked away, ashamed.

Giles nodded at the former vengeance demon. “Good point, Anya. I don’t believe that magic will be salutary in this instance. If anything was fallacious in the casting of the spell we utilized, it would likely prove deleterious to the situation. And with the First’s affect on magic, I don’t believe the risk would be advisable.”

Xander leaned over to Willow. “Uh, translation?”

Willow whispered back, “Magic wouldn’t be good because if something went wrong with the spell-casting, it probably would just make things worse.”

“Ah. Thanks.”

“Your welcome,” she whispered back. In a louder voice, she said, “I think we need to get Buffy to break her shell, first. You know, get her to express some emotion, recognize that she’s shutting down. Then we can talk with her, and tell her, well, kinda what Spike said. That she’s not the same person she was back then, and that we trust her and she should trust herself. But I think if we try to tell her that now, it’d be... ”

Using that hackneyed cliché, Dawn finished for her. “In one ear and out the other.”

Giles pondered for a moment. “Your suggestion may have some merit, Willow.”

She grinned, feeling like the teacher’s pet (which, in her mind, was a good thing).

Giles continued. “Does anyone have any suggestions as to how we might go about implementing Willow’s proposition?”

There was another pause while they all thought about it.

Dawn meekly raised her hand. “Well... ok, this may be a really bad idea, but, well... no offense Spike, but you’ve never had a problem making her angry. I mean, sometimes you didn’t even have to do anything to get her mad at you, so maybe...” she trailed off uncertainly.

Xander shook his head. “While, yeah, if anyone could make Buffy mad, it would probably be Spike, I don’t think that anger is the emotion we’re going for here, Dawnie. Thanks for trying, though.”

Dawn glared at him. She hated it went he patronized her!

As usual, it was Spike who came to her rescue. “Now, wait a minute there, Whelp.” He smirked at the glare Xander threw at him. “The Bit’s got a point. Does it matter what emotion? Frankly, I’d be happy to see her express any emotion. She hasn’t even acted slightly annoyed with me lately.”

Xander laughed. “Now that’s just unnatural!”

“My point exactly,” the bleached vampire stated dryly. “Watcher, what do you think?”

Giles, who had been cleaning his glasses and staring off into the distance, started at hearing himself addressed. “Err, what? Oh. Well, I agree that anger might not be the most ideal emotion for Buffy to express” - Xander made an ‘I told you so’ face at Spike - “I do believe that any emotion would at least be progress towards a more normal Buffy.”

Spike raised an eyebrow mockingly at Xander, who scowled and looked away. While their teasing was all in fun, they still tended to be a bit competitive.

Unsurprisingly, Spike consented. “I’ll do it.” He grinned briefly before taking on a very serious, deep tone of voice, with a matching somber facial expression. “My mission, should I choose to accept it, will be to bug the hell out of the Slayer.” The girls all giggled at him, and even Giles had a smile tugging at the corners of his lips.


********
 

Chapter 19: Talking with the Undead
 

**********************************************************

After the meeting, the Scoobies headed upstairs, Xander cracking bad jokes that only Dawn laughed at.

Spike heaved a sigh of relief. He still had the basement to himself, since it was so full of training equipment there wasn’t room for any more sleeping space besides his little cot.

He was so used to being alone that dealing with a bunch of people was kinda stressful. He reached under his cot and pulled out something which he knew would relax him...

Spike spun around, prepared to attack, as he heard a someone clearing their throat behind him.

Willow started back in alarm at seeing his readiness. “Spike! It’s just me.”

He was about to calm down, when he realized he was brandishing his book at her, ready to use it as a weapon. Several thoughts collided in his head:

I was ready to use a book as a weapon! That’s.... that’s... sacrilegious!... Oh, bloody hell, I am a soddin’ poof!

was warring with

Oh shit, the Wicca saw my book... there goes my rep as a Big Bad... not that I really have one any more...

and also there was the fact that

I was so wrapped up I didn’t even sense her, I’m losing it...

“Uh, Spike?” Willow said warily. What’s wrong with him? And is that... a book of poetry?

He shook his head, realizing he’d been standing there silently for a moment. In one quick, fluid movement, he turned, replacing the book back to its hiding spot, and pivoted back around to Willow. Trying to cover his nervousness, he asked, “Yeah, Red, whatsup?”

“Nothing really, I just, well, wanted to talk. To you. I haven’t, I mean, we haven’t, you know, talked, lately, and... some other people mentioned talking to you so I was thinking maybe I should to. Oh! Not that I’m doing this just because they did, but I mean them saying they talked to you gave me the idea to talk to you-”

Spike cut short her babbling with a chuckle. He sat back on his cot, gesturing for her to resume her seat.

“Yeah, we should talk. I would’ve talked to you sooner, only you were usually busy with the research, or the meditating, or Kennedy...” Spike waggled his eyebrows at her suggestively as he mentioned the S.I.T.’s name.

Spike noticed that Willow blushed slightly, and .... that expression on her face... that wasn’t guilt, was it? Hmmm....

Spike slyly added, “S’good to see ya with her. I’m sure Glinda’d be pleased to see you so happy. I know it musta been tough, you two love-birds were close....” He stopped, wondering if he’d gone a bit too far with reminding Willow of her lover’s death.

“Really? I mean, you think... you think Tara would be glad to see me with .... another girl?”

“Hell yeah! You think she would want you to be unhappy?”

“Well, no-” Willow started.

Spike interrupted. “ ‘Cause I may not have known her very well, but I know she loved you and I know she was a nice person. Prob’ly the nicest one I ever knew, next to Joyce.”

“R-really?” Willow stammered....

To Willow’s surprise, she found that Spike could be very reassuring when he wanted to be. He sounded so sure about Tara... She was starting to understand why Buffy had gone to talk to him after she was brought back... well, before they started ‘shagging,’ as Spike would say. But there was one thing that still bothered her. She hadn’t talked about it with anyone, but maybe Spike would be ok to tell...

“But.. I guess I feel like...” Willow trailed off, looking away.

Spike leaned forward, looking at her, concerned. “Go on, Red.”

“....like being with another girl means letting go of Tara,” she finished softly. She started crying. “Until Kennedy, she was never gone. She was with me. We should have been forever, and I— I let her be dead. She's really dead. And I killed her,” Willow sobbed.

Spike stroked her back comfortingly, and made soothing noises.

His harsh words were at odds with his gentle tone. “That’s rot. Absolute rot. And I’m sure Tara would think so, too. Until Kennedy, you were hangin’ on to a memory, not lettin’ yourself move on. That’s not- that’s not real. An’ you can love someone else besides Tara and still treasure her memory.... oh, listen t’ me, I sound like a bleedin’ poof.”

Willow laughed through her tears at this.

Spike smiled. Knew I could get a laugh outta her.

Willow started to calm down, hiccuping softly.

The vampire asked quietly, “You ok now?”

She nodded. “Thanks, Spike,” she said shyly.

“Anytime, Red, anytime. I’m used to the tears. Shoulda seen me right after I got this soul. I bawled like a baby for days.”

Willow looked at him, interested, hoping he’d continue. Spike’d been very reluctant to talk about his experience in Africa. To her dismay, he changed the subject.

They got to talking about old times, laughing about the incident where Spike had tried to bite Willow. She’d reassured him about his ‘impotence,’ and he’d assured her that he’d thought of biting her before, that he wasn’t just biting her ‘cause Buffy wasn’t there.

They debated about the Chumash Indian attack, Willow still insisting that violence hadn’t been the answer.

Carefully, both avoided mention of Willow’s ‘let-my-will-be-done’ spell. Willow still felt guilty about that, and the memory of the one time he had Buffy the way he wanted her was too painful for Spike.

Eventually Willow brought up the fact that she saw some similarities between them, such as the once evil but now good thing. They both knew what it was like to lose loved ones (Spike nearly broke down, remembering the summer without Buffy). Both had had lovers whom others didn’t approve of or understand.

Spike knew there was one more similarity between them, but he hesitated. “Can you keep a secret, Red?”

Willow’s face lit up. A secret about Spike was bound to be interesting. “Sure!” she chirped.

“Well...” Do I really want to tell her this? “When I was human, before I met Dru, I was a complete dork.”

Willow burst out laughing. “What! You?!!”

“Yep.” He looked rather abashed, and Willow struggled to control her laughter.

Finally, she caught her breath enough to say, “So, was that really a poetry book I saw you holding?”

“Wha’! No... no, I said I was a dork then, not now... Oh, bloody hell, all right, yes, it was. At least I don’t write ‘em any more.”

“You used to write poetry?”

“Yep. Tha’s how I got th’ name ‘William the Bloody,’ ‘cause of my ‘bloody awful’ poetry.”

She giggled. She’d been right, Spike’s secret was certainly very interesting! And that did explain some things... he certainly had a poet’s heart, that was for certain.

“I always assumed it was ‘cause you were a murderer when you were alive or something. That’s... wow... that’s just... funny,” Willow concluded, snickering. Seeing the woebegone expression on his face, she added, “Well, sorry, but it is.”

He relaxed. “Yeah, I guess so.”

A comfortable hush descended.

After several minutes of silent reflection, Willow broke the silence.

“What are you going to do?”

Spike took a moment to respond, thinking that he didn’t understand her question because he’d been so lost in his own thoughts. He reviewed her words, and decided he still didn’t get it.

“Uh, could you be a bit more specific, luv?”

“What? Oh! Right, sorry. I meant what are you going to do about Buffy. To make her mad I mean.”

“I’ve got some ideas. Might need some help.”

“Anything I can do...”

He shook his head. “Nah, I think I might need the Watcher’s help... to lure her out with just me. That might take some doing.”

“Oh... yeah...”

Silence once again.

Willow voiced her thoughts. “You’re planning on making her really, really pissed at you, aren’t you?”

“What? Oh. Yeah...”

She took a deep breath. “Aren’t you afraid she’ll stake you?”

“I’ll fight her, if I have to. Hell, I might throw the first punch, depending on how things go.”

“But don’t you think this whole making her mad thing might ruin your relationship with her?”

Spike laughed bitterly. “I don’t have much of a ‘relationship’ with her right now, anyway. And besides,” he added a bit more quietly, “I’d rather that she never speaks to me again and lives, than have her dying.”

Willow wondered if she would have the strength to do what he was proposing. Could she have made Tara mad at her, purposefully made Tara hate her, so that Tara could live?

Of course, the situation is entirely different here... she reminded herself. Buffy and Spike always fight... but still... he really does love her and want what’s best for her...

“I’d better get going, Spike. Thanks for... everything. We should do this again sometime,” Willow said, rising.

Showing his gentlemanly side, Spike stood as she did. “We should. See you later, Red.”

She stared at him for a second, before impulsively going over to him and throwing her arms around him in a big hug. He stood stock still, shocked, before finally relaxing and hugging her back, with a huge smile on his face. He felt more accepted than ever before.

Willow pulled out of the hug, and gave him a shy peck on the cheek before heading upstairs. “Good luck with Buffy,” she called as she left.

***************************************************
 

Chapter 20: Spuffiness in a Cave (Part 1)

**********************************************************

After some further discussion, Spike and the Watcher had concocted a plan they hoped would work to lure Buffy out with just Spike. While Giles already tolerated Spike, his respect for the vampire increased as they discussed what kind of demon would make the story more believable. The question was really academic, since Buffy relied on others to tell her about the demons, but the intellectual debate was fun for them both (although Spike would never admit it).

It was also decided that, since Buffy would most likely not stick around to chat after finding out she’d been duped, some sort of trap was needed. He worked with Xander on that. The plan was that the Scoobies would come just before dawn, Willow using her magic to let them out, thus giving Spike enough time to get back home. Xander suggested giving them a few days, but Spike decided against that. It was too risky- what if the First came up with something before then? No, one night would have to be enough.

Xander made bad dead vampire jokes as they rigged up the trap. He also discussed his current relationship with Anya. To Spike’s relief, the construction worker had gotten over the whole ‘Anya and Spike sleeping together’ thing, understanding that they had both been hurting and had taken comfort in each other.

That’s odd, Spike mused. I think the boy is actually maturing. Huh.

It seemed that Xander and Anya might just get back together after all. She, too, had matured, especially since her incident when she was a vengeance demon: killing those men, then offering to give herself up body and soul to save them, only to have her best friend taken in her place. She seemed to slowly be coming to the realization that Xander hadn’t married her for what he honestly thought was her own good, and that he truly loved her.

Xander had actually started seeing a therapist, discussing his issues. It was pretty standard: he feared that he and Anya would turn into his parents. That fear was slowly starting to dissipate.

But outside of therapy, Xander wanted another guy to talk to, preferably one who understood about his and Anya’s past. Riley wasn’t the same guy he’d been, still too traumatized over having to kill his wife. He was dependable for training the girls, but not for talking to. Giles was too much of a father-figure, Xander didn’t even know Connor, and Andrew- well, that was an obvious no.

So that left Spike, which, oddly enough, was fine with Xander. Admittedly, the only real relationship Spike had ever had was with an insane vampiress, but he’d managed to make that work for about a century. Plus the vampire was useful for insights into the demon mind.

Once the trap was set, the two men headed to their homes, each thinking about his girl.

******

Buffy came home from work that evening, tired as usual. She was greeted by a worried looking Giles (who had been practicing that expression all day in front of a mirror).

“Oh! Buffy, thank goodness you’re home. Something’s come up.”

“What is it this time?”

“It’s a nest of Molashnak demons. They could become quite a threat.”

Repressing a sigh, Buffy told him, “All right, I’ll go round up the troops.”

She started off, but Giles intercepted her. “No! I mean, no, that won’t work. You see, Molashnak demons are very dangerous. The only real chance you’ll have is if you catch them by surprise. But their senses are supernaturally good, which means only people skilled in stealth will have a chance.”

General Buffy frowned thoughtfully. “Maybe I should go get Faith...”

“I don’t think she is the best option. She tends to be a bit, uh, rash. Perhaps you should take Spike. He knows where the cave is, as well.”

She’d been trying to avoid Spike for the past several weeks, but Giles was right, he was her best bet for work like this. And slaying always comes before personal feelings, she reminded herself.

“Tell him we’ll leave as soon as the sun’s down,” she ordered as she headed upstairs to change into something more suitable for slaying.

Giles headed into the kitchen.

Willow grinned. “I take it Phase 1 is complete?”

The Watcher sighed. “Yes... I do hope this turns out for the best...”

“It will, Rupes, it will,” Spike assured him, unwilling to mention his own misgivings.

******

Spike was standing by the door nervously waiting, ax in hand, by the time the sun set.

Buffy came down the stairs. “Spi-” she started to call, stopping when she saw him. “Oh. All right then, let’s go.”

He followed after her mutely, for once actually glad she wasn’t as perceptive as usual, else she would have picked up on his unusual silence.

******

Unlike in years previous when they patrolled together, the silence between them was uncomfortable as they headed towards the cave.

Buffy decided that perhaps talking would solve the problem. Keep the conversation on business, she told herself.

“Spike.”

He jumped at the unexpected sound. “Yeah?” he said, trying not to sound too hopeful. Her starting a conversation could only be of the good, right?

“I haven’t had much of a chance to talk with you lately.”

His unbeating heart leapt up. Maybe this wouldn’t be as hard as he’d feared...

General Buffy continued. “We need to discuss the girls’ training. I’m a little worried about Meghan.....”

Oh, bollocks! I knew that was too good to be true... she wants to discuss her army, of course... ah, well, that’s something I guess...

Buffy’s voice interrupted his thoughts. “I think maybe she’s just not strong enough. Maybe we should do some more weight-training-”

“Not strong enough? Slayer, that’s completely not the problem.”

As opposed to being upset with Spike for contradicting her, she cooly asked, “Oh? And what do you see as the problem?”

“She lacks self-confidence. It’s as simple as that.”

As they continued towards the cave, they argued over the girls. To Spike’s disappointment, Buffy kept her cool throughout. No quips were exchanged, no insults... to Spike’s way of thinking, this didn’t count as an argument.

He thought about saying, Oh, you’re no fun anymore... but then decided against it. Wouldn’t do any good anyway. Besides, silly American chit would never get th’ joke...

*****

Finally, they neared the cave. He warned Buffy, and the two crept stealthily towards the entrance.

Just inside the entrance, Buffy paused, listening. She couldn’t hear a thing, and wanted to ask Spike about it, but realized that would be foolish if the creatures were indeed there. Perhaps the Molash-whatevers are out...

They proceeded farther and farther in through a tunnel. Still the silence remained. As they entered a cave, the sounds of a rockslide came behind them.

Buffy spun around, staring at the wall of rocks. Since their cover was clearly blown, she realized there was no sense in trying to keep quiet.

“Shit! Spike, c’mere and help me move these... or is there a different way out?” she asked, slightly panicked.

Being trapped was not one of her favorite things. Ever since awakening in her own coffin, she had a slight case of claustrophobia. She’d only been able to handle the tunnel by remaining concentrated on the mission. Plus, the tunnel had been pitch-black; here, slits in the ceiling of the cave let moonlight through.

She scrabbled desperately at the rocks, unable to move them. Buffy turned, ready to demand Spike’s help, when she saw he was casually lounging back on the ground.

“What!? What the hell are you doing?” She could hardly speak for the anger, surprise, and worry she felt.

He smirked. Looks likes th’ Slayer’s gettin a bit upset already...

“Calm down, ya daft chit.” He nonchalantly waved a hand, dismissing her fear. “We’re fine.”

Buffy was about to explode. Only through her recent exertions to contain her emotions was she able to control herself.

Through gritted teeth, she said, “What do you mean we’re fine? Spike, we’re trapped! We’re going to die!” As she regarded his complacent expression, a sudden horrible thought came to her. “Oh, God, no.... you’re... you’re in league with the First!” She backed away as far as she could, both trying to spot something wooden and keep an eye on Spike.

He felt a flash of hurt at her easy conclusion, but quickly calmed himself down. Easy, mate, she’s not herself, that’s the whole point of this little jaunt...

Instead of denying it vehemently or attacking her, as she’d suspected he would, the vampire merely chuckled.

Buffy was surprised at this unexpected sound.

He continued chuckling, pleased at how off-balance it made her.

“No, Buffy, I’m not in league with the First.”

She clearly was torn between wanting to believe him and her natural suspicion.

“So why did you set up this lovely trap?”

He raised an eyebrow at her. “You think I set this up by myself?”

She walked closer the wall of rocks. Looking carefully, she could see where the trap had been set. It did look a bit sophisticated for just Spike, but then again, even after all the years she’d known him, she still wasn’t really sure what he was capable of.

She shrugged. “Fine, I’ll bite. Who helped you?”

Spike grinned. Oh, she’s just gonna love this! “Well, the trap itself, that was Xander, of course. He’s got the skills.” Buffy’s mouth opened to reject his assertion, but he spoke over her. “But the idea for the trap itself, and for me bein’ the one here with you, well... that was a combo of Willow, Xander, Dawn, Anya, me.... oh, and Giles.”

He saved the best for last, figuring the fact that her Watcher was in on it would make this whole thing have more weight with her. If she believed him...

“I don’t believe you!”

He rolled his eyes. Of course, that would just be too bloody easy, wouldn’t it.

Without warning, she attacked, thinking to catch Spike off-guard.

However, the vampire had fought with and against her too often to fall for that. He’d seen her body tense up a moment before she sprang, and jumped out of her way, leaving her to fall to the ground.

He stood there, arms crossed, looking both amused and annoyed. Buffy quickly jumped to her feet, ready to continue the fight.

Instead of lunging at him, this time she aimed a high right kick at his head. He smoothly ducked, and, in the same motion, swept her left leg out from under her.

The Slayer landed on the floor with an “Ooomph!” She lay for a moment, stunned; the impact had knocked the breath out of her.

Spike stood back, admiring his handiwork. “You ready to listen?”

Once again, Buffy bounced to her feet, not bothering to respond. She’d decided that her quips, once such an important part of her fighting, were merely distracting. As Willow had pointed out, she fought silently now.

Again she attacked the vampire, with similar results. She tried a multitude of attacks, but each time she ended up sprawled on the cold cave floor.

Finally, the Slayer did something she’d told herself she’d never do again: she gave up, and remained on the floor where she’d last fallen.

Eyes closed, breathing heavily from her recent exertions, she waited for the bite that she knew would come. She’d tried her best; that’s all she could do, right? Her only fear (or was it her only hope?) was that he would change her. It seemed so wrong, and yet to live without a conscience sounded so very nice...

Spike regarded her curiously. What kind of trick was this? As she remained still for several more moments, he realized that this wasn’t a trick. His Slayer had given up, given in to her death wish at last. He sighed sadly. It was just as he and the other Scoobies had suspected: her trying to suppress her emotions could very well be the death of her.

Time to bring her back to life, the undead vampire told himself. Now, how the bloody hell am I supposed to do that...

Spike waited a few more minutes before saying, “Slayer, what’re ya doin’?”

Buffy opened her eyes to see him standing just where he’d been, about a yard away from her. What was going on? It must be some kind of trick... no, that’s not right, he could have had me... She shook her head in confusion.

“Ar-aren’t you going to bite me?” she asked weakly.

Spike sighed and sat down by her side. Running her hair through his fingers, he smiled sadly at her and said, “No. I’m not.”

Her curiosity got the better of her. Pushing his hands away (even though, oh, they felt so lovely!), she sat up and looked him in the eye.

“You’re not working for the First?” she asked.

He shook his head.

“And you’re not evil?”

He shook his head again

The Slayer pondered matters for a moment. For the life of her, she couldn’t figure out what was going on. As much as she hated admitting that to Spike, she didn’t really have a choice.

“Ok, Spike, tell me what’s going on. Why am I here?”

************

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