Chapter 7 – Bed of Roses…and Thorns


Present Day


Still staring at the journal in her hands, Buffy took a deep breath, trying to overcome the tears that always seemed to be in her eyes. Looking up, she frowned when she saw Giles checking his watch.

“Should I leave?” she asked, tilting her head slightly as she waited for his response. “I know it’s late…”

“No,” Giles said quickly, shaking his head. “It’s just that…William is...well, he called…you see the thing is…”

“Giles, tell me.”

“He taped a segment earlier today for one of the late night programs, and he called to let me know it would be airing tonight.”

Giving him a small smile of understanding, Buffy nodded. “And you wanted to watch it, but you were worried about me.”

“Yes.”

“I’ll be okay,” she insisted. “Go ahead and turn it on.”

Watching as he walked over to the huge entertainment center that Spike sent him for his birthday, Buffy took a deep breath as he turned on the TV.

Sitting in silence, the two of them watched the first few guests go through the interviews. When the band was announced, Buffy’s eyes were riveted to her ex-boyfriend as he moved across the stage, adjusting his microphone.

“He looks good,” she commented almost miserably.

Noticing her somber tone, Giles patted her shoulder in comfort. “He’s miserable without you, Buffy. He asks about you every time he calls and wants to hear all the details. The happiest I’ve heard him in the past few months was when I told him you’d chosen photography as your major. He was pleased to know you found something you love doing.”

Offering a half-hearted smile, Buffy didn’t know how to respond, turning her attention back to the screen. Hearing the music begin, her heart clenched in her chest as she recognized the song- a remake of Bon Jovi’s Bed of Roses. The band had released it a month earlier and it became an instant hit. Feeling the tears spring to her eyes as she listened to the man she was still in love with begin to sing a song that reflected such a horrible moment in her life.

“Sitting here wasted and wounded
at this old piano
Trying hard to capture
the moment this morning I don't know
'Cause a bottle of vodka
is still lodged in my head
And some blonde gave me nightmares
I think she's still in my bed
As I dream about movies
they won't make of me when I'm dead

With an ironclad fist I wake up and
French kiss the morning
While some marching band keeps
its own beat in my head
While we're talking
About all of the things that I long to believe
About love and the truth and
what you mean to me
And the truth is, baby you're all that I need

I want to lay you down on a bed of roses
For tonight I sleep on a bed of nails
I want to be just as close as the Holy Ghost is
And lay you down on a bed of roses

Well I'm so far away
That each step that I take is on my way home
A king's ransom in dimes I'd given each night
Just to see through this payphone
Still I run out of time
Or it's hard to get through
Till the bird on the wire flies me back to you
I'll just close my eyes and whisper,
baby blind love is true

I want to lay you down on a bed of roses
For tonight I sleep on a bed of nails
I want to be just as close as the Holy Ghost is
And lay you down on a bed of roses

The hotel bar hangover whiskey's gone dry
The barkeeper's wig's crooked
And she's giving me the eye
I might have said yeah
But I laughed so hard I think I died

Now as you close your eyes
Know I'll be thinking about you
While my mistress she calls me
To stand in her spotlight again
Tonight I won't be alone
But you know that don't
Mean I'm not lonely, I've got nothing to prove
For it's you that I'd die to defend

I want to lay you down on a bed of roses
For tonight I sleep on a bed of nails
I want to be just as close as the Holy Ghost is
And lay you down on a bed of roses”

The last few notes were still ringing through the air as Spike leaned into the microphone once more. “I’m still in love with you, Buffy.”

The air rushed out of her body as the ache in her heart seemed to multiply at the admission. Wiping the tears away that were traveling down her cheeks, she tried to control her breathing, not wanting to worry Giles.

“Buffy?”

Turning at the sound of the older man’s voice, she offered him a weak smile. “I need to be getting home,” she said softly, standing up and clutching at her new journal as she started walking to the door.

“Of course,” he replied in understanding. “Can I offer you a lift?”

“No, that’s okay, Giles. I think I need to walk…clear my head a little.”

“Perhaps you can stop by for lunch tomorrow- Will’s not due in until after seven.”

“That would be great. I’ll try and make it over around noon.”

“Splendid,” he said with a bright smile. “I’ll be expecting you.”

Offering him a small wave before walking out the door, her shoulders immediately slumped when she heard the click of the door shutting behind her. The tears seemed to automatically start again when she was alone. Walking slowly toward her house, Buffy clutched the leather book to her chest, looking for some kind of comfort.

She still loved him so much and he was coming home.

How would she be able to look at him whenever she saw him? She knew it was inevitable- Sunnydale was too small to not run into him. The band would be there for at least a year, on hiatus, while they worked on some new material.

Spike had ripped her heart out. How was that forgivable? Or even tolerable?

Buffy knew that he was also keeping tabs on her through Oz whenever he talked to Willow. She didn’t know what to think about that. Did he still love her, or was it all an act? Was it for publicity? Did he ever really love her?

* * * * *

11 Months Earlier

Making her way toward the parking lot, Buffy tried to let the cool morning air calm her nerves. It was still early and the soft grays and blues did little to relax her. Seeing the tour-bus in front of her, she approached it with a heavy heart.

Noticing his girlfriend’s arrival, Spike ran over to her, wrapping his arms around her waist when he reached her. Buffy giggled as he picked her up and spun her in a circle.

Setting her back on the ground after a few turns, Spike looked down at her with watery eyes before pressing his forehead against hers. “I’m holding you and I already miss you,” he whispered.

“I know how you feel.”

“And I’m gonna miss your birthday,” he added, looking at her in concern.

“Buy me something pretty,” she said with a watery smile.

“Anything and everything.”

Watching her laugh at his response, Spike felt the familiar pull on his heart. The one that told him he didn’t deserve her and he was lucky that no other man had stolen her away from him.

“I missed you last night,” she murmured, breaking into his thoughts.

“I know,” he said softly. “But I left packing till the last minute, you know that. And I think you know why,” he continued with a raised eyebrow.

“Yeah,” she whispered, a blush in her cheeks as she looked at the ground.

Hearing the horn of the bus, they both turned to stare at it before returning their eyes to each other.

“Buffy, I needed to tell you…” he paused, taking a deep breath. “I needed to tell you that…I’m so in love with you, I can’t think straight.”

Hearing the words that she had dreamed about so many times over the past year, a dazzling smile settled on her features. Wrapping her arms around his neck with fresh tears coming to her eyes, she held him tight, knowing it would be a long time before she could do it again.

“I love you, baby,” he whispered, his voice muffled against her shoulder. “I’m sorry it took me so long…”

“It’s okay,” she said with a slight sniffle, pulling away to look in his eyes. “It was worth the wait. And I love you, too…you know I do.”

Pressing his lips gently against hers, Spike tried to pour every emotion into the kiss before reluctantly pulling away. “Everything will be fine, Buffy,” he whispered, not waiting for a response as he slowly walked away, stepping on the bus.

Watching him disappear, Buffy turned away with a silent sob, covering her mouth with her hand as the tears began to fall.

“Hey, Summers!”

Taking a deep breath, she turned around to see Spike leaning halfway out of one of the windows.

“You’re one in a million!” he yelled, blowing her a kiss.

She laughed and waved at the group as the bus pulled away, leaving her standing in the middle of the parking lot, her arms wrapped around her body. Never noticing Giles walking over to stand next to her, she nearly jumped out of her skin when she heard his voice.

“How are you doing?” he asked gently.

Turning to face her surrogate father, Buffy sighed with relief when Giles hugged her. He had been nothing but supportive ever since he discovered that she was dating his son, stating more than once how he could see the two of them growing old together.

Pulling back to look at him with a miserable expression, Buffy tried to keep the pout from forming on her lip. “I miss him already.”

“I don’t doubt it. Would you care for a ride home?”

“Thanks, Giles.”


 

Chapter 8 – What’s Worth Saving?


Present Day


Walking past the outdoor patio of Giles’ apartment complex the next day, Buffy took a deep breath as she approached the door.

“He’s not a part of your life anymore,” she whispered, trying to give herself a pep talk. “You won’t think about him, you won’t talk about it, you won’t even know he exists. You’ll just act like this is a normal day and have a nice lunch with Giles…even if Spike is coming home tonight. It doesn’t matter.”

After spending a long night trying to sort out her feelings…or more accurately, Spike’s feelings for her, she was no closer to feeling any sense of calm. And she was still no closer to sorting through her feelings.

Dressed in a pair of hip-hugging jeans and a black turtleneck sweater, Buffy had opted for casual clothes, hoping to finish up some Christmas shopping after lunch. Knocking on the door of his apartment, she took a deep breath and sighed as she turned around, looking at the Christmas decorations that adorned the exterior of the complex. Smiling as she ran a hand along the holly that decorated the railing of the stairs, she slowly turned around when the door opened behind her. The bright smile on her face slowly faded as her nervous system seemed to shut down.

“Buffy.”

Staring at the woman standing in front of him, Spike’s lips parted in confusion. This was not the Buffy he remembered. Her normally straight, golden hair was now a few inches longer and a darker shade of honey. It fell in waves around her shoulders and down her back. Gone was the soft roundness of her cheeks and body. She still had luscious curves in the appropriate places, but the weight loss was obvious. The same strawberry lip-gloss coated her lips, and he remembered the taste of it all too well, having to stop himself from closing the distance between them and kissing her as if the past five months never happened. Wearing no other make-up but a touch of mascara that brought out the green in her eyes, Spike continued to stare at her.

This was no longer the girl that he fell for all those years ago. This was a woman standing before him, and judging by the look in her eyes, a very jaded woman. Spike felt sadness fill him as he realized he was the one to cause that look.

“Y-you’re not supposed to be here,” she whispered, staring at him in disbelief, shaking her head slightly as she took a small step away from him.

“I drove home a little bit earlier, love,” he said softly.

Her face immediately hardened when he spoke. “Don’t,” she said through gritted teeth.

“Don’t what?” he asked in confusion.

“Don’t call me love. You don’t have that right…not anymore.”

“Buffy, please listen-”

“Listen?” she repeated in disbelief. “You expect me to listen to you?”

“I just needed to…explain. It was…it only happened twice, pet, and I-”

“I-I can’t…I can’t listen to this,” she said, turning and running down the steps.

Spike immediately took off after her. Reaching her at the archway, he grabbed her arm to stop her escape, spinning her around to face him.

Glaring at the stranger she saw before her, Buffy jerked her arm out of his grasp, taking a step away from him.

“Buffy, I just wanted to-”

“You apologize to me, I will beat you to death.”

The venom in her voice made Spike stare at her in shock. Deciding to try a different tactic, he took a deep breath, wanting to calm his nerves.

“Can we go somewhere and talk?” he whispered.

Seeing Giles appear over his shoulder, the older man gave her an apologetic look, silently conveying that he didn’t know his son was arriving early, before stepping back into the apartment.

Fighting the tears in her eyes, Buffy seemed to think about it for a moment before shaking her head. “No,” she whispered. “I-I can’t…it’s too soon and…I don’t know if I’m ready to listen to you yet.”

“What about tomorrow? Please, Buffy, I need to see you…I just need to be near you for a little while,” he advanced slowly on her as he spoke until he was lightly pressed against her. “I’ve missed you, baby.”

Closing her eyes when his lips moved toward hers, she snapped out of the trance she seemed to be in, jerking her body away from his. “No,” she said in a more forceful tone, blinking back the tears as she stepped away from him. “I can’t…I don’t care. I don’t care about what you think you need. Because what I need…is to get as far away from you as possible.”

Turning to leave for the second time, Buffy closed her eyes when she heard his tearful voice behind her.

“Please…Buffy, please don’t leave like this.”

Spinning around to face him, her face contorted with pain as she shook her head, unable to believe what she was hearing.

“Me?” she said in disbelief, hating the knotted feeling in her stomach. “I shouldn’t be the one to leave it like this? I wasn’t the one who created this situation, Spike. If it was up to me, I would have been in Los Angeles with you last night…and the night before that…and the entire month before and…you just threw it all away. You didn’t give a shit about me or my feelings, so why should I care if I leave it like this? Seems to me that walking away from you would be a good bookend to our relationship.”

Every part of her was determined to walk away…unfortunately, the sound of his voice caused her to stop.

“Relationship?” he whispered in a choked voice.

Closing her eyes when she realized what she said, Buffy slowly turned back to face him. “We don’t have a relationship,” she murmured, seeing the tears in his eyes. “I don’t know if we ever did.”

“We did,” he said softly, looking up at her. “You know we did…I made a mistake…nothing I can say or do will ever fix that…but I want to try.”

“You can’t,” she replied after a moment, shaking her head as if she was trying to convince herself. “Some things just aren’t worth saving.”

“But some things are,” Spike said, closing the distance between them, cringing when Buffy immediately stepped away from him.

“If you really believed that…we wouldn’t be in this situation right now.”

Feeling his heart ache as he watched her turn and walk away, Spike closed his eyes, knowing that he didn’t deserve a second chance but desperately wishing for one, even as her words continued to echo around him.

Some things just aren’t worth saving.



 

Chapter 9 – Can We Talk?


Walking into the Bronze the next night, Spike felt the nostalgia and anxiety wash over him. Running a hand over his face as he looked around the darkened interior, he tried to stop the memories from overwhelming him. Glancing up at the balcony, he briefly closed his eyes, trying not to think of the nights that he and Buffy had danced with each other, secluded in the shadows, wrapped in each other’s arms.

“You okay?” Angel asked, clapping his friend on the back to snap him out of the trance he seemed to be in.

“Uhh…yeah…yeah, I’m fine.”

“Seems like you’re in another world.”

“Wish I was,” Spike muttered, following his friend through the club.

“Hey, guys,” Angel said with a nod, sitting down at the familiar table with Oz and Willow.

Seeing the redhead look at him and quickly look away, Spike clenched his jaw, wishing, yet again, that he hadn’t made such a stupid decision that splintered him from his friends.

“Xander not here?” Angel asked, looking around at the dancing couples.

“He and Anya are on the dance floor,” Willow said softly, obviously uncomfortable with how to act around Spike. This was a man who used to be her friend but broke her best friend’s heart. She couldn’t help but resent him for that.

“Guessing they didn’t want to see me,” Spike muttered, looking at the floor.

“It was a factor,” Oz replied, feeling bad for his friend.

“Might as well make it easier on them,” he said, turning to walk to the bar.

“Things aren’t going to be the same, are they?” Willow asked softly, looking at the two men who remained.

“Not unless Buffy forgives him,” Oz said, exchanging a look with Angel. Just because they hated what Spike did didn’t mean they would condemn him for it.

“Even if she does, Xander can hold a grudge longer than anyone I know,” Willow said with a heavy sigh, looking over at Spike as he sat at the end of the bar by himself. Her eyes widened when she saw Buffy walk into the club, her eyes immediately gravitating toward her ex-boyfriend before she shook her head and made her way over to the table.

“Hi!” she said in a chipper voice, obviously compensating for whatever she was feeling.

“Buffy!”

Turning at the sound of her name, she smiled when she saw Angel stand up to lift her into a hug, spinning them slightly before setting her back on the ground.

“Missed you,” he said, planting a friendly kiss on her cheek. Buffy could see Spike glowering at them out of the corner of her eye but chose to ignore it.

“I’m glad you’re home,” she said with a soft smile, walking around the table to offer Oz a hug.

“Hope you’re not all out of those.”

Turning at the voice behind her, Buffy gave Gunn a bright smile when she saw him, one arm securely wrapped around Fred.

“Always room for another hug,” Buffy said with a genuine smile, briefly hugging her friend before pulling back to look around the table.

“Um…Buffy,” Willow said softly, gesturing toward Spike as he sat at the end of the bar, staring into his glass.

Part of her wanted to let him suffer. She wanted him to feel a fraction of the pain he had caused her, but the larger part told her that she didn’t have the heart to do that. She never would. But that didn’t mean she had to go out of her way to be nice to him.

Not bothering to excuse herself from her friends who were lost in their own conversations, she slowly walked toward the bar, taking a deep breath and crossing her arms over her chest in a defensive maneuver as she approached.

“What are you doing here?” she asked in a cold voice, tilting her head to look at him.

“Avoiding you, apparently,” he replied in a soft voice.

“Well, you’re not doing a very good job of it.”

“Maybe you’re right,” he said, throwing some money on the bar before turning to stand, bringing him face to face with the woman he loved. “I’ll just be off, then.”

“Where do you get off acting like this?”

“Like what?” he asked in exasperation, trying to cover up the pain he was feeling at being so close to her and not being able to have her.

“Like you…” don’t care about me “…don’t care about anything.”

“I care,” he said, his voice dropping so low, Buffy could barely hear him as the pounding music almost drowned him out. “I know you don’t believe me…but it’s the truth.”

“I never wanted this, you know,” Buffy said, looking at the floor as the all too familiar tears began to pool in her eyes. “I wanted you to come home and everything could be the way it was. I never wanted this.”

Unable to respond, Spike just nodded, knowing that anything he said would be thrown back in his face.

“I’ll just go,” he said, gesturing toward the back door of the club before looking at the table where his friends and former friends sat, each talking and pretending not to notice the former golden couple that was standing next to the bar. “Give my best or whatever…have fun.”

“No,” Buffy said, taking a deep breath as she shook her head. “You stay…can’t say I’m in much of a partying mood right now, anyway.”

Turning to walk toward the door, Buffy shuddered when she felt Spike’s hand on her arm, hating herself for the automatic reaction of her heart speeding up. Feeling short of breath, she stepped away, needing the distance from him.

“What?” she asked, not bothering to look up at him.

“Can we talk?”

“We are talking,” Buffy said, looking around the club to keep her eyes from her hottie of an ex-boyfriend. Noticing the looks that were being cast their way by the available and not-so-available females in the club, she felt the familiar sickening feeling spread through her stomach. “And if you want me to forgive you…don’t hold your breath.”

“Not asking for forgiveness,” he said softly. “Just want to talk, Buffy. I know you don’t owe me anything, but that doesn’t mean I don’t owe you anything.”

Finally turning to look up at him, Buffy was mildly surprised when she saw his watery eyes. Opening her mouth to respond, she nearly jumped out of her skin when a voice interrupted her.

“Yeah, I’d say you owe her more than you could ever give her.”

Closing her eyes, Buffy shook her head to stop herself from spinning around and confronting the man behind her.

“Xander, I can handle this.”

“But you know what I don’t understand?” Xander continued, advancing on Spike, ignoring Buffy. “How you can possibly confess your undying love for a woman like Buffy and then go screw a two-bit whore? You don’t even deserve to be talking to her right now.”

Clenching her jaw in frustration, Buffy resisted the urge to walk away from the conversation, knowing that emotions were running too high for her to do that.

“Go away, Xander,” she said, seeing Anya walk toward them. “This is my life. I have the right to talk to whoever I want.”

Seeing the look of disbelief cross Xander’s face as Anya dragged him back to their table, Buffy tried to stop the pain in her chest, resisting the urge to bring her hand up to her heart and attempt to stop the pressure.

Casting a look in Spike’s direction, she made her way to the back door, quickly pushing it open in the hopes to get control over her emotions as the fresh air hit her face. Buffy nearly jumped out of her skin when she felt a hand on her arm. Spinning around, she looked at Spike in disbelief.

“Do you not understand that when a person walks away it’s usually because she doesn’t want to see you?”

“Please, Buffy,” he whispered. “Just talk to me.”

Nervously running a hand through her hair, she avoided his eyes as she nodded. “Okay,” she whispered. “The park…tomorrow at five. You’re one minute late and I’m leaving. I’m not going to bother waiting around for you.” Not waiting to see his reaction, Buffy quickly turned away so she wouldn’t be able to give in to temptation. With a fast pace to her step, she made her way out of his sight.


 

Chapter 10 – Wavering Resolve


Standing in the middle of her bedroom the next afternoon, Buffy clutched at her towel as she examined every item in her closet.

“This is ridiculous,” she said to herself, nearly rolling her eyes. “Why are you putting so much thought into this?”

“Maybe because you’re still in love with him,” said a voice from the door.

Turning to see her little sister leaning against the frame, she resisted the urge to correct the young woman.

“Dawnie, I’m glad you’re here. Pick out something for me,” she said, waving her hand at the discarded clothes as she walked past her sister toward the bathroom.

“Seriously?” she asked incredulously, unable to believe that her older sister would not only let her in her closet, but also let her pick out her clothes.

“Yep, I’m putting too much thought into it, and I’m going to be running late at the pace I’m going. I trust you,” Buffy said, closing the bathroom door behind her.

Quickly blow-drying her straight hair until it fell halfway down her back in a silky curtain, Buffy ran a brush through it before putting on a little bit of make-up. A few minutes later she stared at her reflection in the mirror and gave herself a little smile. Shaking her head when she realized what she was doing, she took a deep breath. “You’re not trying to impress him, you’re not trying to get back together with him…you’re trying to move on. Remember that.”

Returning to her bedroom, she saw Dawn standing in the middle of the floor holding a white sweater and a pair of pale gray dress pants that flared out slightly at the leg.

“That’s great. Thanks, Dawnie.”

Hurriedly pulling on the clothes, Buffy grabbed some small silver hoop earrings and put them on as Dawn handed her the shoes that would best compliment the outfit. Slipping them on, she quickly kissed her sister on the cheek and checked her watch.

“Time to go,” she muttered, taking a deep breath.

“Good luck,” Dawn said, offering her sister a soft smile.

Returning the smile, Buffy took a deep breath as she tried to calm her nerves. “Thanks.”

* * * * *

Sitting on the park bench, nervously wringing his hands together, Spike could see her approaching long before she saw him. Nervously wiping his palms on the denim material of his jeans, he stood up when she got closer, finding himself once again mesmerized with how beautiful she was. He felt like he was seeing her for the first time…again.

“Hello, Buffy,” he said softly, shoving his hands in his pockets as he walked over to meet her.

“Spike,” she replied in a cold tone. “So…what did you want to talk about?”

‘Quick and to the point,’ he thought, knowing that he didn’t deserve anything more than that.

“I, uh, I wanted to ask you something.”

“So ask,” she said, crossing her arms over her chest.

Taking a deep breath, Spike tried to steady his nervous heartbeat as he mentally prepared for the rejection. “I want us to start over.”

Her lips parted in shock as she stared at him with wide eyes.

‘What am I supposed to say to that?’ she asked herself, unable to believe that he had the nerve to actually ask her that.

Before she had a chance to respond, Spike was continuing, “I’ve changed, Buffy. I know the pain I’ve caused you and-”

“NO!” she yelled, snapping out of her shock and stepping away from him, needing the distance between them. “No, Spike! You don’t know,” she continued, trying not to cry as she shook her head. “You have no idea the pain that you’ve caused me. You don’t know about the nights I cried myself to sleep. You don’t know about how I tried to alienate all of my friends so they couldn’t see how miserable I really was and pity me. And you really don’t know about my mom threatening to put me in a clinic unless I started eating again. So do me a favor, Spike, and don’t tell me that you know.”

By the time she finished, Buffy felt her voice cracking with the emotion. Staring at Spike for a long moment as tears streamed down his face, she refused to be affected by the show of emotion. Turning her back on him to leave, she desperately wished she could put everything behind her as easily.

“Buffy, no,” he said, grabbing her sleeve, spinning her around to face him. “Please, don’t leave, baby…please!” Dropping to his knees, Spike buried his face in her stomach, wrapping his arms around her waist as his shoulders shook with the force of his tears. “I’m sorry,” he said in a choked voice. “I’m so, so sorry. I don’t deserve to even be this close to you, but please, just don’t leave.”

Feeling her chin begin to tremble as tears came to her eyes, she quickly closed them, trying to fight the emotions that were swirling around inside of her. Her fingers, of their own volition, twined themselves in his hair, only causing her tears to intensify when she heard his softly spoken words.

“I love you. God, Buffy, I love you so much. I hurt you and you’re the only woman I’ve ever loved. I’m a bloody git for not realizing it then, but please…I know, now. I know what I did and I hurt you…I hurt the girl…”

He trailed off in a sob, still clutching her in his strong grasp, nearly crushing her with his unrelenting hold.

“Yeah,” Buffy replied, trying to keep her voice even as she forced her anger to the surface, letting her hands abandon his hair. “You know what? You did. And I never…out of everyone I know…out of everyone I love, I never would have thought you would be the one who would hurt me.”

Extracting herself from his arms, she stepped away as Spike pushed himself to his feet.

“I know,” he whispered, slowly moving to close the distance between them again, stopping when she continued to back away from him. “I know and I’m…I don’t know what to say.”

“This isn’t a way for us to get back together,” she said, shaking her head to confirm what she was feeling. “I don’t even know if this is a way for us to be friends…friends don’t hurt each other.”

Reaching out to her, he gently touched her face, running his fingers through her hair as if he was afraid she wasn’t real.

Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes as the familiarity washed over her. “I can’t offer you anything,” she said in a shaky voice.

Staring at her for a minute, he slowly nodded. “Don’t want to push you,” he said softly. “I just want to be close to you again. I know I screwed up, inexcusably, but…I need you. I know that now. I just need something…a crumb…something to know that you might be able to trust me again.”

“Spike,” she whispered, shaking her head as she stepped away, breaking all contact with him.

“Please, Buffy.”

Looking down at the ground for a long moment, she slowly raised her eyes to look into his. “Trust is something that’s earned…if you can earn that, then…maybe…someday.”

Seeing his shoulders sag in relief, she tensed when he took a step forward, closing her eyes when she felt his lips tenderly brush along her forehead, leaving them both aching for more.

“I’ll earn it,” he whispered, gently cupping her face in his hands. “You’ll see. I can be the man you need me to be.”

“I needed you to be that man five months ago, Spike,” she murmured, feeling the familiar churning in her stomach- she hated that feeling. “If you had realized then what you know now…we never would be standing here.”

“I know,” he replied, pulling away from her with a nod. “And I’m not asking you to forgive me.”

“Why not?” she asked softly, one eyebrow raised in question as he looked at her.

“Because I have to forgive myself before I can ask your forgiveness.”

“You may never get it.”

“It’s what I deserve,” he said, his voice barely more than a whisper as he looked at the ground.

“I don’t know what you deserve,” Buffy murmured, unable to look at him without feeling choked up. “I know that you were an insensitive asshole who cared more about himself than…the people who loved him.”

“That’s how you see me?” he asked, looking up at her with sad eyes.

“That’s how I saw you,” she said softly, meeting his level gaze with her own. “I don’t know what I see now. I guess that’s up to you…what do you want me to see?”

“A man who loves you.”

Feeling her chin tremble, she looked at the ground, slowly backing up, needing to get away from him before she broke down and told him exactly what she still felt for him. Taking a deep breath as she looked into his eyes, her stomach clenched when she saw the hopeful expression on his handsome face. “Then prove it.”

 

Chapter 11 – For Always


Standing on the Summers’ porch a few days later, Spike hesitantly rang the doorbell. He had tried to keep his distance from Buffy, knowing she would want some time to herself, and he’d had been mildly successful. Only running into her at the grocery store and exchanging mild pleasantries, he tried to give her some space, not wanting to overcrowd her.

Now, as he stood staring at the door, he was overwhelmed with a slight sense of panic at the idea of seeing her. In a few days, it would be Christmas Eve, and Spike and his father would be attending the party at the O’Shea mansion. Joyce and Dawn would also be there. Not wanting it to be as awkward, Spike decided to stop by and see the two Summers’ women before that night, hoping to get through the agonizing discomfort at facing them for the first time. And if he got to see Buffy, well, that would just be a bonus.

Taking a step away from the door to wait, he offered a nervous smile when it opened to reveal the impassive face of Dawn Summers.

“Hello, Niblet,” he said with a slight nod.

“Spike.”

“Look, I know you probably hate me, and I can't say I blame you, but-”

“I don't hate you,” she said, shaking her head. “I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not crazy about you right now, but Buffy hasn’t said anything about hating you…lately. So, I guess that doesn't give the rest of us the right to, either.”

“Thank you.”

Opening the door a little more to allow him in, Dawn slowly shut it behind him. Looking around the unchanged house, Spike turned in the direction of the dining room to see Joyce Summers walking out of the kitchen. She stopped upon seeing him before slowly walking toward him, wiping her hands on a towel.

“Hello, Spike.”

“Joyce,” he said softly with a quiet nod. “Thought I'd stop by and get over the formalities of being back in town before we all eat together.”

“Why don't you come in and sit down?”

Following Joyce into the living room, Spike sat down on the couch with a heavy sigh while the older woman sat in the chair next to the fireplace. Seeing Dawn hovering near the doorway, Joyce raised an eyebrow until her daughter was out of sight, but no doubt, still in earshot.

Leaning forward and uncomfortable resting his elbows on his knees, he opened his mouth to speak, only to have Joyce cut him off before he got a chance to say anything.

“You probably think I hate you.”

“The thought crossed my mind,” he said with a nod.

Staying quiet for a long moment, Joyce stared at the man she once believed would be her son-in-law one day, trying to see who he really was beneath all of the nervousness that he was showcasing today.

“Spike, I was married to a man who cheated on me for years. I have an idea of what Buffy is going through and I can tell you that her pain will never go away. I know that you believed you loved my daughter, and judging from what your father has told me, you are very remorseful about causing her any pain.”

“Love,” he whispered.

“Excuse me?” Joyce replied, watching as he raised his eyes to hers.

“Love your daughter. Not past tense. I’m still very much in love with her.”

“Very well,” she said with a nod. “Whatever you may hope or think, I’m not going to help you get her back because, frankly, that's a matter between you and Buffy. But I won’t ban you from this house either. Unless that’s what Buffy wants.”

“Thank you, Joyce,” Spike said with a slight sigh of relief.

“Understand, Spike, that I’m going to do what’s in my daughter’s best interest. If she believes that giving you a second chance would do her some good, then I won’t argue. If she wants you completely out of her life, then you are no longer welcome here. And if you do happen to get a second chance…don’t mess up. Because it’s just not worth it. Let her go now, if you don’t think you can be faithful in the future.”

“I can,” Spike insisted, opening his mouth to say more at the exact moment that the doorbell rang. Hearing the pounding of feet on the stairs, Spike stood up as Buffy's figure came into his line of vision.

“Bye, mom, I'll be back in the- Spike!” she yelped when she saw him standing there.

“Hello, Buffy,” he said softly, shoving his hands in his pockets as he nervously stood there, letting her scrutinizing gaze wash over him.

“Wh-what're you doing here?” she asked, her eyes nervously darting to the door.

“Dropped by to see your mum and little sis. I was actually about to head out.”

“Oh.”

“Buffy, I think you need to answer the door,” Joyce said, standing behind Spike.

Watching as Buffy nodded anxiously and walked over to open it, Spike frowned at the rigid stance of her shoulders, before she opened the door.

“Hey, Buff! You all set to head out for a night on the town?”

Feeling his blood run cold at the sound of a male voice, Spike stepped into the entryway to see who it belonged to. Seeing the man who was over six feet tall with sandy blonde hair, he immediately narrowed his eyes, feeling threatened by the fact that another man could be trying to take what was his.

‘Not yours,’ he reminded himself, trying not to look at the couple standing next to the door. ‘Not anymore. She doesn’t belong to you.’

“Um...yeah, Riley…almost. Can you do me a favor and take this out to the car?"

“Sure thing.”

Noticing for the first time, that Buffy was carrying an overnight bag as she handed it to Riley, Spike felt a violent churning in his stomach, desperately wishing for a cigarette as he watched her close the door.

Turning to face him, Buffy noticed that her mother and sister had vacated the area, giving them a modicum of privacy.

“Who is he?” Spike asked softly, trying to keep the jealous tone out of his voice.

“Just a guy I know,” she said with a slight shrug, unable to look at him as she tried to control her pounding pulse. “He wanted me to go to Los Angeles with him for the night."

Feeling his heart drop into his stomach at the idea of her spending the night in a hotel room with that man, Spike reached out to grip the doorframe in a crushing hold.

“Are you seeing him?”

Buffy took a deep breath before nodding.

“Yeah,” she murmured. “I am. It's not serious…not that I owe you an explanation, but I can tell this is hurting you. We’ve only been out a few times.”

“Have you slept with him?” he asked in a soft voice, raising his eyes to hers.

“Not yet,” she said with an angry edge to her voice that caused his stomach to tighten.

“Yet?”

“Spike, give it a rest, okay? You're not my brother, or my father, or my lover, so I don't need to answer to you.”

Turning and yelling a good-bye into the kitchen, Buffy started for the door and suddenly felt herself pinned against it. Turning around, she felt Spike's body softly pressing against her own, having to fight the natural pull that she felt when he was standing so close. Looking up into his eyes, her breathing escalated when she saw how close his lips were to hers- wanting nothing more than the chance to feel them again.

“Don’t do this, Buffy,” he whispered in a pleading tone. “Remember how good it used to be?”

“Before you screwed up?” she replied, arching an eyebrow in response.

“Please, remember,” he murmured, lowering his lips until they were gently brushing against her hair, threading his fingers through the silky strands and pressing his forehead to hers. “Nobody can make you feel what I can do to you, just like nobody can even come close to what you do to me.”

“Is that in love or hate?” she asked, her voice coming out in a breathy whisper.

Gently brushing his lips against hers, each felt alive for the first time in a year as a jolt seemed to pass through them from the simple acts of their lips moving against each other. Closing his eyes in contentment for a brief moment, Spike tightened his hands in her hair, eagerly holding her against him. This was what had been missing from his life. He'd known it all along, but he'd tried to suppress it.

Letting his hands slowly drop from her hair as his lips continued their tender caress over hers, they slowly wandered down her body, roaming over the curve of her hips to settle against the small of her back. Pulling her closer, he tried to resist the urge to push his painful erection against her, not wanting to push her too hard, too fast.

Finding her hands going up to thread through his hair, Buffy couldn’t help the natural response of pushing herself against his covered erection, thrilled when she felt the evidence of his desire for her. Suppressing the moan of delight at the feel of him against her, the two slowly moved together as Spike pushed her more forcefully against the door. Deepening the kiss, each tried to get as close as possible, causing Buffy to moan when his tongue slipped into her mouth to intertwine with hers. Feeling Spike wind his free hand through her hair and pull her closer to him, not wanting to let go, she felt a feminine thrill rush through her.

Slowly, their lips separated from each other, as the need for air became more apparent. Knowing that whatever spell they must be under wouldn't last much longer, he gently held her body against his for just a few more moments.

Coming back to her senses, Buffy softly pushed against his chest to remove herself from the embrace.

“I have to go,” she whispered, snapping out of the trance she felt like she was in.

“Buffy-”

“Spike, I'm not ready. It's too soon and there…there's still too much to work through. I don’t even know if there’s anything that we should work through…this was probably just a mistake.”

“Don’t say that,” he said, shaking his head. “It wasn’t a mistake, it was us. Remember us. Remember how it used to be.”

“Before you…”

Trailing off in a choked voice, Spike nodded. “Before I fucked up…but I promise-”

“I need to go,” she said, cutting him off as she shook her head.

Slowly nodding, Spike raised his eyes to hers, silently pleading with her before voicing his thought. “Just please don't…”

Swallowing her emotions, Buffy slowly reached out, silencing his worries as she tenderly caressed his cheek, reveling in the simple feel of doing something so innocent and having it feel like the first time. Turning toward the door, she stopped when she heard his soft voice behind her.

“You're still my girl,” he whispered, looking at her through watery eyes when she turned around to face him with a sad smile on her lips.

“Always.”


 

Chapter 12 – Being There


Quietly staring out the window as Riley’s car sped along the interstate, she had barely said two words to him since they started for Los Angeles, and she felt guilty. She felt guilty for the look of hurt in Spike’s eyes, and she felt guilty for knowing that she accepted this date with Riley and nothing would come of it.

Maybe if it was before Spike had come home, she would have been able to see Riley as more of a boyfriend and move on with her life, but she couldn’t now.

The kiss still echoed through her mind. She could still feel his lips pressed against hers. Still smell the traces of cologne and tobacco that clung to him. Most of all, she felt the passion that he had ignited that had stayed buried for so long. If she really wanted to get even with him, she would use that passion against him and sleep with Riley that night…but she couldn’t. She couldn’t use Riley that way, and she couldn’t put Spike through the amount of pain that she had been dealing with for the past few months. She also knew it wouldn’t make her feel any better.

Seeing the lights of the city in the distance, Buffy jumped when Riley cleared his throat, snapping her out of her thoughts.

“Are you okay?”

Looking over at him in surprise, she tried to paste a smile on her face. “I’m fine.”

“You just seem a little bit…tense, I guess.”

“Riley, I’m sorry. I know this can’t be very fun for you. I’ve just got a lot on my mind right now.”

“Well, we’re almost there. Maybe I’ll be able to get your mind off of whatever it is,” he said, turning to smile at her.

Offering him a slight grin in return, Buffy took a deep breath and let it out slowly as she turned her attention back to the window.

* * * * *

Sitting in his father’s home, nursing a beer, Spike stared sightlessly out of the window, staring in the direction of the moon. Hearing the click of the lock as his father walked in, he didn’t bother moving as the light flooded through the room.

“William? What are doing, sitting in the dark, son?”

“She’s gone, dad,” he said in a raspy voice, never taking his eyes off the window.

“I know it feels that way now,” Giles said with a sigh. “But you can’t give up hope.”

“No, dad…I mean she’s really gone. She left for L. A. tonight…with another man.” Finally tearing his gaze away from the window, he turned his blood-shot eyes to watch his father drop into a nearby chair.

“Oh, dear,” Giles murmured, quickly whipping off his glasses to polish them.

Spike managed a small smile as he looked down at the beer bottle in his hand. “I said a little more than that.”

“When does she return?”

“Tomorrow, I think.”

“An overnight trip,” Giles murmured, frowning in disbelief. It didn’t sound like the Buffy he knew. “She still loves you, son,” he said after a moment.

“How do you know?” he asked disbelievingly.

“Because love is not an emotion you can turn on and off. You can forget about it for brief amounts of time, and it can get weak or strong as time goes by, but you can never just shut it off. It’s always there…it’s always with you.”

“She can move on, though,” Spike said, looking into his beer bottle. “She can think she loves me and still move on…like she’s doing.”

“Yes, she can, but I know for a fact that she still loves you…and that the emotion is still very strong.”

“She told you?”

“She told me.”

Spike felt tears of happiness flood his eyes and cursed himself for acting like such a ponce, looking away from his father so he wouldn’t see his watery gaze.

“I want her back, dad,” he whispered.

“I know you do. She wants you back, too. However, she’s a young woman who’s been burned by the man she trusted. And I’m not saying that to lecture or scold you- it’s just a simple fact. She was a girl who, when you went away, sent all of her hope and love with you, and what she got in
return forced her to grow up rather swiftly. Now, what you need to do is decide whether you can do justice to the woman who is here now, or whether you want to let her go. Don’t hold on to what you feel for her just because she feels like your possession.”

“I want her, dad. I know I can be better. It was just all too much, too fast, and I cracked. I never meant to hurt her that way, and if I had it all to do over again, there’s no way I would. I just wish she was here with me, the way it was. You know, I didn’t even get mad at Oz for spilling it to Willow. I knew I got what I deserved, and he was just protecting his friend.”

“You’re growing, son. Now, what are you going to do to get this girl back?”

* * * * *

Walking through her front door the next day with a heavy sigh, Buffy stretched the tired muscles in her arms.

It was definitely not the fun-filled trip she had been hoping for. Buffy felt emotionally drained after the long night. She had just spent the last twenty minutes sitting in his car, out in the driveway, explaining to him why they couldn’t be involved. It didn’t make her feel better that Riley’s position never wavered from telling her that she was The One. She didn’t want to be the one. She didn’t even want to be in the same vicinity of being the one. Not for him…maybe not for anyone.

Throwing her bag down next to the entryway table, she slowly headed toward the voices in the kitchen. Walking into the room, she stood frozen in the doorway when she saw Spike sitting on the counter, talking and laughing with her mother and sister. Her shoulders straightened when he looked up to see her, his smile fading as he looked at her, taking in her tired eyes and exhausted appearance.

“Hey, guys,” she said softly when the women in the room didn’t acknowledge her arrival. “Whatcha doin’?”

“Oh, nothing, honey. Spike here was just amusing an old woman by listening to her stories of the gallery’s clients,” Joyce said, still smiling from the earlier story.

Buffy and Spike’s eyes stayed riveted to each other before Buffy slowly nodded. “Well, that’s…nice. I, uh, I think I’m going to run up and get a shower and a nap. It’s been a long day.”

“Okay, honey.”

“Actually, Buffy,” Spike spoke up as she turned to leave the room, causing her shoulders to go rigid as she slowly turned to face him again.

“Yeah?” she murmured, biting her lip while she waited for him to respond.

“Can I talk to you for just a second?”

Looking at him for a long moment, Buffy took a deep breath as she nodded. “Sure.”

Following her into the living room where they stood facing each other, Spike watched as she self-consciously crossed her arms over her chest, looking at the floor. Judging by her posture, she no doubt was thinking about the kiss they had shared the night before.

“How was your night?”

“It was…great,” Buffy lied with a bright smile. “Dinner, dancing, and a Broadway play…a wonderful night.”

Feeling the ache in his stomach intensify, Spike took a deep breath. “So,” he said, drawing out the word as he looked at the floor. “Captain Cardboard didn’t turn out to be as mind-numbingly dull as I expected, then?”

“Riley? No, he’s a…he’s a perfect gentleman,” she replied with a fake smile.

“Aaah, so he did turn out to be mind-numbingly dull, huh?”

“Spike,” she said in a warning tone.

“Sorry, love,” he said with a soft smile, masking the hurt and panic he was feeling. “I just thought I’d ask if you wanted to go out to dinner tonight.”

“Dinner?” she repeated in a panicked voice. “Um…no…no, I don’t think so.”

Feeling her heart cracking as he looked at the floor and nodded, a dejected expression on his face, Buffy tightened her lips to keep from blurting out that she’d love to go with him.

“There’s still just…there’s a lot to work through…and I’m seeing someone,” she added quickly, raising her eyebrows as if she was going to prove her point, gesturing toward the door.

“Right,” he muttered. “So, is this someone your boyfriend now?”

“No,” she murmured, looking down as her cheery disposition evaporated. “I don’t use that word lightly…not anymore. I should go,” she said, turning toward the stairs, stopping when she felt his hand on her arm.

“We kissed, Buffy,” he said softly, watching as she slowly turned to look at him.

“You’ve never had something physical with someone- no strings attached?” she asked, clenching her jaw when she saw the pained expression cross his face.

“That’s not what we have,” he whispered. “That’s never been what we had.”

“But that’s what you want?” she said, letting her voice drop to a seductive whisper, closing the distance between them and running her hands along his chest. “Isn’t it what you want, Spike?” she whispered, parting her lips as she looked up at him with wide eyes.

Noticing his erratic breathing, Buffy let her hands trail along his chest, moving higher until she reached his neck, slowly pulling him down toward her. Feeling his hands grip her waist, she pressed her body against his, biting her lip to give her a more innocent appearance.

“You never answered me,” she whispered, her lips barely brushing against his. “Is it what you want?”

‘What was the bloody question?’ Spike wondered, trying to ignore his body’s reaction to her as he briefly closed his eyes. ‘I want her…only her.’

“God, yes,” he murmured, tightening his grip on her waist as she tilted her head even more before abruptly pulling away.

Seeing the familiar expression on her face, Spike’s brows furrowed as he looked at her. “Sorry, Spike…you ruined that chance.”

Pulling away from him, Buffy began to walk toward the stairs, stopping when she heard his strained voice behind her.

“You said you were my girl. ‘Always’ – you remember that? You said it- I didn’t force it out of you.”

“No, you didn’t,” she murmured, turning to face him. “And a part of me will always be yours…but only a part, Spike. Only the naïve little girl who fell in love. I’m not that little girl anymore.”

“You’re lying,” he said in a menacing whisper. “I know you, Buffy. I know you as well as you know yourself, and you’re lying.”

“You know me,” she agreed with a nod. “But I know you, too.”

“I’ve changed, love,” he insisted, his eyes pleading with her to believe him.

“I want to believe you…I do…but you haven’t shown me anything to make me believe you. You just show up and kiss me and show up again and want to go out and…I’m beginning to think it’s a game. I’m the one that got away…I’m the conquest. Is that all I am, Spike?”

Unable to verbally disagree, Spike weakly shook his head, feeling despair seeping through him.

“I’m not playing this game,” she whispered, trying to control the unshed tears in her eyes.

“Not a game,” Spike said in a choked voice, looking at the floor as he shook his head. “I love you…I love you…I just want you back.”

“I’m not a prize,” she said softly, shaking her head to prove her point. “I’m not something that you can just use whenever you want.”

“I know,” he whispered, nodding as he met her gaze before walking toward the door. Turning to face her as he reached for the doorknob, Spike took a deep breath. “You have no reason to trust me…but I would do anything for you, Buffy. And I’ll be here. No matter what…I’ll be here for you.”

Casting her eyes downward, Buffy slowly nodded, taking a deep breath to regulate her breathing. “You'll be here…I know. I believe you when you say you'll try. But you'll also be here reminding me everyday of what you did…I don’t know if I can live with that.”




Chapter 13 – Movie Night


Putting the finishing touches on her make-up the next night, Buffy stared at her reflection, turning from side to side as she made sure she looked alright.

Wanting to feel good about herself, Buffy had decided to dress up, spending the night by herself. Wearing a black shirt with a deep V-neck and a pair of stylish black pants, along with her favorite black shoes, she adjusted the silver Y-shaped necklace that adorned her neck. Adding the finishing touch with large, silver hoop earrings, she fluffed her hair, deciding that she wouldn’t straighten it tonight- the natural curl gave it a little more body.

Giving the mirror one final glance, she realized she was a little dressier than she was aiming for but quickly shrugged her shoulders, leaving the bathroom and heading downstairs. Glancing at the clock, she quickly kissed her mother goodbye and headed out the door, not wanting to be late for the movie.

“Buffy,” Joyce called after her. “Are you sure you don’t want one of us to go with you?”

“I’ll be fine, Mom,” she replied with a smile. “I need a night to myself.”

“Okay,” her mother said with a worried expression. “If you’re sure.”

“I am,” she said with a slight smile, walking out the door.

Breathing in the fresh air as she made the slow walk toward the movie theater, Buffy let her mind wander. She couldn’t get Spike’s pleading gaze out of her mind, and it filled her with a constant ache.

Wrapping her arms around her body, she bit her lip, remembering his words to her.

”You have no reason to trust me…but I would do anything for you, Buffy. And I’ll be here. No matter what…I’ll be here for you.”

But the question was- did she want him here?

“Yes,” she whispered to herself, fighting the tears in her eyes. “God, yes, that’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

Sitting down on a nearby bench, Buffy fought the tears in her eyes as she took in deep breaths. She wanted to know Spike changed. She wanted to know it and believe it…but she couldn’t.

Glancing at her watch, Buffy dried her eyes of the few tears that had slipped free and prepared herself for the short walk to the theater.

“Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea,” she whispered to herself, approaching the busier part of the town.

Seeing the movie theater in the distance, she took a deep breath. This was supposed to be something that she was able to do for herself. Something to prove that she could be alone and not have to worry about having a man by her side at all times, and she could still be happy. But she couldn’t be happy. She missed him too much.

“You can do this,” she murmured. “You can rely on yourself, for a change.”

Nervously tucking a lock of hair behind her ear, Buffy stepped up to the box office and quickly bought a ticket for the only comedy that was showing at the small theater. She needed the laughs tonight.

Giving the usher a small smile as he opened the door for her, Buffy walked into the lobby, looking around with a heavy sigh.

‘Maybe you should have asked Dawnie to come along…you’ve made an appearance- you know that you came here and bought the ticket…that’s enough.’

Turning to leave, Buffy gasped when she saw Spike walking through the door, dressed in a pair of khaki pants, a blue button-down shirt, and a brown leather coat. Quickly catching herself before her mouth dropped open, Buffy’s expression hardened when he looked up to meet her gaze.

Shoving his hands in his pockets, Spike nervously bit his lower lip, looking down at the ground as he approached her.

“Hello, Buffy,” he said softly, looking up at her with a shy expression that she used to find so endearing…and it still melted her heart. The hope in his eyes wasn’t lost on her, and she quickly looked away.

Opening her mouth to respond, Buffy nearly jumped when she heard the shrill voice that grated on her ears.

“Spike? Oh my God, Spikey? You’re home!”

Rolling her eyes when Harmony Kendall practically threw herself at Spike, Buffy crossed her arms over her chest, suddenly feeling self-conscious. She knew that Harmony always had a thing for Spike, but now that old, familiar, nagging doubt was making itself known- what if it had turned into something more? What if he had been cheating on her long before she actually found out about it?

Hating the familiarity that she associated with her stomach flipping, Buffy turned away from the sight of the little leech attaching herself to Spike, quickly walking toward the hallway where her movie was playing. She wasn’t sure whether she would actually go to the movie or bypass it for the emergency exit, which was looking more appealing.

“It’s amazing that I don’t have a freaking ulcer,” she muttered to herself, barely looking at the door to the theater as she continued toward the end of the hall and the exit to her freedom.

“Buffy!”

“God, why tonight?” she asked, looking up at the ceiling. Continuing her walk toward the door, she gritted her teeth when he spun her around, still holding onto her arm when she stopped to face him. “What?” she asked in irritation.

“That was nothing,” he said, gesturing toward the lobby.

“Yeah, I can see that,” Buffy replied in a harsh tone, jerking her arm out of his grasp. “The blonde who was throwing herself at you made it really look like nothing. It proves just how much you’ve changed,” she continued sarcastically. “What is this, Spike? A date night?”

“No,” he said quickly, shaking his head.

“Then…what?” she asked, stepping back to look at him. “The different clothes, the sudden appearance at a movie theater with Harmony, of all people? Has this been how it was all along? When we were dating, did you drop me off at home and then go searching for-”

“No,” he interrupted, his voice carrying through the building. “I’m not here with Harmony, and I never…not here,” he whispered in a choked voice, looking down at the ground. “I’m only here because I knew you would be here.”

“You knew I’d…Dawn,” Buffy said in understanding, sparks practically flashing in her eyes when she realized her sister must have called him.

“She said you’ve been unhappy,” he whispered, taking a hesitant step toward her. “Was hoping that I might be able to remedy that.”

“I doubt it,” Buffy muttered, turning away, only to stop when she heard his voice.

“So where’s Captain Boring tonight? If you’re so unhappy, wouldn’t you want to be with your boyfriend?”

Unable to respond, Buffy merely looked down at the ground, not wanting to lie to him anymore. Lying was how everything started unraveling. Where do you go when everything has already been unraveled?

“Alright…I won’t ask you anything about him,” he said softly, taking a deep breath as if he was gathering his courage. “Look…can we just put all of this away for the night?”

“What do you mean?” she asked, looking up at him in bewilderment.

Gesturing toward the door to the auditorium, Spike gave her a gentle smile. “We’re both here…”

“Spike, I don’t know-”

“Buffy, I’ll behave myself, I promise. I just want to spend some time with you.”

Taking a deep breath, she slowly looked up in his eyes, seeing the genuine emotion in his eyes. “Okay,” she murmured, slowly nodding. Maybe spending some time with him without any pressure was exactly what she needed. “As long as you behave yourself,” she repeated with a slight smile.

Smiling in relief, Spike hesitantly extended his arm toward her. “It’s a date,” he said with a smile.

“Spike,” she said in a warning tone, taking a slight step away from him.

“Deal,” he corrected himself. “Deal, I meant deal.”

Studying him for a moment as they walked into the theater, Spike looked at her with a confused expression. “What?”

“Nothing,” she said, shaking her head. “It’s just…you look so…grown-up.”

“Well, that works out nicely then.”

“Why’s that?” she asked with a smile, allowing herself to relax.

“Because,” he began, gently resting his hand on the small of her back and leading her through the empty theater. “It just so happens that I’ve realized that I needed to grow up.”

Laughing softly, Buffy sat down in one of the chairs, briefly closing her eyes when Spike sat down next to her, his shoulder brushing against hers.

Making sure to avoid too much physical contact, Spike watched as a few more people entered the theater, each couple separating themselves from any other couples who happened to be in the auditorium, each wanting their own privacy.

Looking over at Buffy when the trailers began, Spike studied her for a moment, nearly mesmerized with how beautiful she was. Watching as the light played over her features, he smiled when she turned to look at him, tilting her head in a question.

Hesitantly reaching out, letting his fingertips gently play with the ends of her hair, he offered her a sad smile when she briefly closed her eyes, enjoying the familiarity that came with the movement.

Leaning forward until their foreheads were nearly touching, he inhaled the subtle aroma of lavender that wafted toward him.

“I’ve missed you,” he murmured, his eyes wet with tears as she looked at him with a pained expression. “I never lied about that…I missed you so much.”

Feeling her chin tremble, Buffy bit her lip as she looked downward, breaking their eye contact. “Don’t do this,” she whispered, shaking her head. “It’s too hard.”

“I know,” he said softly. “I just needed you to know that. I miss you, Buffy.”

Raising her eyes to his, she took a deep breath, closing her eyes when his lips brushed against her forehead. “I miss you, too…but I miss the man I fell in love with.”

“It’s me,” he said, brushing his hand over her cheek before gently cupping it in his hand. “I can be who you need me to be.”

“I want to believe you,” she whispered. “Please don’t hurt me anymore.”

“I won’t,” he promised. “Never again.”




Chapter 14 – Missing You


Once the movie began, Buffy felt tension settling over her. She didn’t know what to expect from this ‘not a date’. Spike was playing the role of a perfect gentleman, which was unlike him. Wondering if he was adapting to what she had told him about her ‘relationship’ with Riley, she hesitantly shot him a nervous glance.

Briefly questioning whether or not he might still be interested in her, Buffy physically shook her head. ‘He wouldn’t go to all this trouble if he wasn’t still interested…but why hasn’t he tried to hold my hand or put his arm around me…and why do you care?’ she asked herself, growing frustrated with her train of thought.

Pushing all of her thoughts aside, she tried to focus on the movie, still in tune with every subtle movement of the man next to her.

‘You’re being ridiculous. You’re just friends, and you’re acting like this is your first date. You’ve made love with this man- you know every part of his body, and you’re nervous because you’re sitting next to him.’

Nearly shaking her head at her train of thought, she settled into her chair, taking a deep breath.

“You’re going to have to forgive me, lamb.”

Jumping when she felt his warm breath against her ear and the soft tone of his voice, she slowly turned toward him, a confused expression on her face.

“Being the jerk that I am, I forgot to tell you how beautiful you look tonight. Not that you’re not breathtaking every other night, of course,” he finished with a slight smile. Feeling his heart speed up at the smile that seemed light up Buffy’s face, Spike felt himself relax, only to tense up a moment later when he saw her slowly move toward him. Not wanting her to look back and write this off as a weak moment in the face of a compliment, Spike raised one of her hands to his lips, planting a gentle kiss on it, before turning his attention back to the screen.

Feeling slightly disappointed, Buffy shook off the feeling, chastising herself for even attempting to kiss him. The familiarity was so simple that she almost didn’t notice their united hands. Debating whether or not to disentangle herself from him, she took a deep breath, slowly letting it out as she came to terms with the simplicity of the moment.

Calmly sitting the way they were until the movie ended, Buffy and Spike slowly exited the theater, their hands still entwined, each too comfortable with the gesture to abandon it.

Walking through the town, Spike gestured toward the coffee shop with his free hand. “What do you think, pet?”

Not stopping to analyze how this had turned into a pseudo-date, Buffy nodded, walking with him toward the Espresso Pump. Making a move to walk into the open-air shop, Buffy froze, her eyes widening as she looked at the man approaching.

Feeling her sudden change, Spike looked in the direction that seemed to have Buffy’s attention, raising an eyebrow when he saw Captain Cardboard, in the flesh, staring back at them with a look of distress on his face.

“Riley,” Buffy greeted nervously, trying to offer him a smile.

“Hello, Buffy,” he said, never taking his eyes away from Spike.

Resigning himself to be the bigger man, Spike offered his hand to Riley, still clutching at Buffy with his other hand.

“Spike Giles,” he said as the larger man took his hand in a crushing hold. Spike merely smirked while putting just as much pressure on Riley, delighted at the slight look of pain that crossed his face. Releasing him, he abandoned his hold on Buffy’s hand, only to slip an arm comfortably around her waist, smiling when she didn’t pull away from him.

“I know who you are, Giles,” Riley said, staring at the arm wrapped around the woman he was in love with. “Aren’t you the guy who Buffy caught screwing some model wannabe in Seattle a few months ago?” he asked with raised eyebrows.

Feeling rage flood through his body as Buffy tensed up next to him, Spike nervously cast a look in her direction, seeing her biting her lower lip, looking at the ground. He knew that she was trying to hold back the tears that accompanied the painful memories, and he once again cursed himself for doing something so monumentally stupid. Giving her a gentle squeeze, he slowly let her go, stalking toward Riley with murder in his eyes.

“That’s me, you bloody pillock,” he said in a hushed tone so Buffy wouldn’t overhear. “And guess what? She’s still here with me and not you, so why don’t you be a good little boy and run along home to mommy?”

Backing away from the other man with a raised eyebrow, he smirked when Riley walked forward to get in his face.

“I have no problem with wiping the floor with you, Giles,” he said in what Spike assumed was supposed to be a menacing tone.

“I’d like to see you try,” Spike growled. Turning his back on Riley, he focused his attention on Buffy. Placing a hand on each side of her face, Spike tilted her head up to look into her shimmering eyes. “I’ll take you home, baby,” he said, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. They made it two feet before Riley, once again, stepped in their way.

“Buffy, I’ll take you home if you don’t want to be around him anymore.”

Staring up at him in disbelief, she didn’t give a thought to the fact that Spike currently thought that this man was her boyfriend as she reached up to reward Riley’s efforts with a solid slap.

“You bastard,” she whispered. “You wanna be with me, so you bring up the one thing that could hurt me the most and rub it in my face?”

“Buffy, I-”

“Don’t,” she said, holding up a hand. “I don’t ever want to see you again, Riley. Do you hear me? Ever!”

Shoving him out of her way, Buffy continued on her way, feeling her heart ache when Spike fell into step beside her.

”You might as well leave me alone, Spike. I just want to walk for a little while.”

“Anything you want, baby…but I’m not leaving you alone,” he said softly.

“That’s not ‘anything I want’,” she said trying to smile. Unable to look at him, Buffy tensed when he reached down, enveloping her hand with his own. Finally raising her eyes to his, she watched Spike’s brows knit together as he noticed the pain in her eyes.

“I don’t know if I can do this, Spike,” she whispered.

Feeling his heart begin to pound in a steady rhythm, he shook his head in the hope that she would reconsider from the simple action alone.

“Buffy, no…I don’t want to pressure you, but don’t let that idiot mess up what we could have.”

“It’s just so hard…”

Her whisper trailed off as she choked back a sob. “I just…I always think of how you hurt me, and I just can’t-”

“I’m sorry, baby, I’m so sorry!” Spike interrupted, the desperation evident in his voice. “I can’t tell you how much I wish I could take it all back, but I can’t,” he whispered, his own tears beginning to fall when he felt the desperate need to hold onto her. “I just need you so much, Buffy. It’s not just lust or passion- it’s the fact that I can’t imagine my life without you,” he said, reaching up to cup her face. “I look into the future, and the only thing I see is your face. I miss you. I miss your smile, the way your nose crinkles when you’re thinking about something, I even miss the incessant babbling you do when something makes you nervous. I love you, Buffy, and I will spend the rest of my life making sure you know how special you are to me.”

Staring into his deep blue eyes for a moment, she slowly averted her gaze. “Thank you,” she said softly. “It means a lot that I know that.”


 

Chapter 15 – Long Night


Standing in her room a few days later, Buffy surveyed her final dress decisions as the seconds ticked away, bringing her closer to the time she was supposed to leave.

It was the night of the annual Christmas party at the O’Shea residence, and she knew it
would be a formal occasion. Choosing a crimson silk, floor-length gown with two spaghetti straps on each side that split into a V-shape on each shoulder and came together again on the back of the dress, Buffy studied the sweetheart neckline. She couldn’t decide if it showed off too much cleavage but finally decided that it was fine- there would be plenty of women there who would be showing more skin than her.

The slender fit of the silk hugged her curves in a sensuous manner without being too risqué. The skirt flowed out away from her body, leaving her with enough freedom to move comfortably but leaving it to brush around her legs when she was moving. Pinning her hair away from her neck, she left a few soft tendrils framing her face before pulling on her stockings and heels.

Turning her attention back to the mirror, her eyes were drawn to the garnet earrings that she was wearing. The beautiful stones were outlined with tiny diamonds, perfectly complimenting the dress. It was her birthstone. Her birthstone, sent to her from Spike on her previous birthday.

‘Will he get the wrong idea if I wear them?’ she asked herself, narrowing her eyes on her reflection. ‘Is there a wrong idea to get?’

Shaking her head to attempt to clear it, Buffy shrugged as she walked out the door. They were meant for her to wear them and she would wear them. And it wasn’t like she and Spike were ignoring each other- it would be a nice gesture on her part.

Grabbing the matching shawl from the doorknob, Buffy wrapped it around her arms as she walked down the stairs and into the kitchen. Smiling when she entered the room to see her sister trying to steal bites of the Christmas cookies that were left cooling on the counter, Buffy suppressed the giggle each time Dawn tried to sneak past her mom and was promptly rewarded with a slap on the hand. Clearing her throat to make herself known, she spread the shawl to show off her dress when the two women turned to look at her. With a playful spin, she laughed at the round of applause she received.

“You look beautiful, dear,” her mother said.

“You don’t look half-bad yourself,” she teased, walking over to give her mom a kiss on the cheek before standing back and critiquing the simple black dress.

“Do I meet your approval?” Joyce asked.

Buffy gave a firm nod. “Definitely not mommyish.”

“And why is it okay to not look like a mom? That’s what I am, after all.”

“Come on, mom, there could be single guys there, and you haven’t been on a date for years.”

“Buffy!” Dawn screeched.

“What? I can’t help it if I want my mother to be happy.”

Joyce smiled at her daughters as they laughed together.

“You do look nice, Buffy,” Dawn said, looking at her older sister with a wistful expression.

“Thanks, Dawnie. You, on the other hand, are in need of a big sister makeover,” she said, tossing her shawl on the kitchen island. “Come on,” she said, grabbing her sister’s arm.

“Buffy…”

Hearing her mother’s warning tone, she turned around to face her with an innocent smile.

“What? Again, mom, there could be single guys there. Only this time, they could be closer to Dawnie’s age. She is almost sixteen, after all.”

Dawn looked at her mother with a hopeful expression, offering her a tentative smile.

“Oh, alright, but we leave this house in fifteen minutes!”

With a squeal, Dawn grabbed her mother in a hug. “Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.” Leaving the room, the sisters ran up the stairs as fast as their shoes would allow.

Dawn began to head down the hall to her room, stopping when Buffy grabbed her arm and pulled her into her own. Situating her in front of the mirror, Buffy quickly ran to her closet while Dawn surveyed her appearance. Studying the black skirt, white blouse, and flat shoes, she let a pout play on her lip. “It is babyish,” she decided.

“It’s not babyish, Dawnie. Mom just wants to keep you from growing up too fast. It just isn’t dressy enough for this party,” Buffy said, pulling dresses from the back of her closet. “Ah hah!” she cried triumphantly.

Laying out the emerald green dress on the bed, Dawn had to bite her lip to suppress the excited giggle. The dress had a modest square neckline with capped sleeves, and the velvet material fell down to the floor from the empire waist, creating a sophisticated, yet innocent, appearance.

“Okay,” Buffy began, tilting her head in consideration. “First thing’s first- hair and make-up.”

Sitting her sister in front of her dresser, Buffy pulled the elastic band out of her hair that was holding her ponytail, letting the ringlets fall around her shoulders. With careful and quick precision, Buffy turned the mass of curls into an elegant upsweep before lining her eyes with dark green eyeliner and shimmery pale eye shadow. Finishing off the look with a pale lip-gloss, Buffy handed the dress to Dawn and shooed her off to the bathroom. “We have five minutes. I’ll find some shoes.”

Digging around in her closet, she finally came across the matching shoes and ran to meet Dawn as the bathroom door swung open.

“Perfect,” Buffy said with a bright smile when her sister emerged.

“You’re sure?”

“Absolutely,” she said with an affirmative nod, handing her the shoes.

“Girls! We have to leave!”

“Coming, Mom!”

Heading downstairs, the girls were greeted with a huge smile when Joyce saw them. “My babies are growing up,” she said with tears in her eyes.

Buffy raised an eyebrow at her sister. “See what I mean?”

The sisters shared a laugh when the doorbell rang. Each woman exchanged a glance before Buffy stepped forward to open it. Shocked when she saw Giles and Spike, each in tuxedoes with matching sunglasses, she had to laugh at the picture they made. Joyce and Dawn came up behind her, and before long, even the men were laughing.

“You guys do realize it’s nighttime, right?” Dawn asked between giggles.

“Well, what kind of an entrance would that be, Nibblet?” Spike asked, walking into the house, taking the sunglasses off. “Besides, can’t see a bloody thing with those on,” he continued after giving Joyce a kiss on the cheek. “You ladies look lovely, by the way.”

“Yes, quite,” Giles agreed after offering Buffy a kiss on the hand. “We’ve come to offer you all a ride to the soiree.”

“That’s so thoughtful,” Joyce said, greeting Giles with a kiss on the cheek.

Turning to face Buffy, being able to see her for the first time since he set foot in the house, Spike felt his throat close at the vision that stood in front of him. Trying as hard as he could to swallow, he continued to stare at her.

“I hope that’s a good look,” she said with a nervous smile. All he could do was nod as he swallowed, trying to catch his breath. “Well, I need to grab my shawl, if you’ll excuse me,” she said, walking into the kitchen.

Reaching for the silky piece of fabric, she turned away from the island, nearly screaming when she was met with a solid chest.

Grabbing her arms to steady her, Spike loosened his grip, but instead of letting go, he found his hands trailing down her bare skin to rest on her hips before leaning close and kissing her cheek. “You look stunning,” he whispered.

Shivering at the feel of his hands wrapped around her, she felt her breathing speed up as she ran her hands up the smooth expanse of his chest, her arms finding their way to the back of his neck, slowly pulling him closer to her.

“Hey, guys! We’re gonna be late!” Dawn yelled from the entryway.

Spike sighed, standing up a little straighter as the mood shattered. “Guess we better be going, love.”

“Yeah,” she said quietly, wrapping her shawl around her shoulders and heading for the door, closing her eyes when his fingertips brushed against the small of her back. It was going to be a long night.




 

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