Chapter 24:

“You did what?” Joyce asked, hands on her hips and looking at Buffy in disbelief.

Buffy flinched. “I nearly attacked—“

Joyce waved her hand, “I heard you the first time. What the hell were you thinking?”

“I wasn’t?”

“Obviously not. Do you know the trouble you could have gotten into if you’d hit her? Do you realize the sceneyou made?”

Buffy’s bottom lip quivered and her eyes welled up in tears. “I’m sorry! I know it wasn’t the brightest of moves, but Daddy . . . “ she broke off, crying her heart out.

Joyce gathered her in her arms in the next instant. “Honey, it’s okay. We’re all under stress. Did you get any sleep at all?”

Buffy pulled back, wiping at her eyes. “You mean last night?”

Joyce nodded.

“Some, not really.”

“Even with William here?”

Buffy started at that, her eyes widening. “Mom, I – we—didn’t – “

“Buffy,” Joyce said calmly, placing a gentle hand on her daughter’s arm. “It’s okay. I’ve known for a while so finding out was not a big surprise for me.”

“How did you--?” Buffy asked curiously, cocking her head to the side.

Joyce shrugged and grinned secretively, “A mother knows these things.”

“Did Dad call you and tell you anything yesterday? God, it was just yesterday? I feel like I’ve lived a week in twenty four hours.”

“No, honey, he didn’t. He probably knew I’d support your relationship with William and didn’t want to hear it from me. In fact, I’d mentioned it in passing once, as a joke really, and he’d balked at the idea.”

“Mom, why does he hate the idea so much?”

Joyce sighed and perched herself on the arm of the couch. “You’re his little girl. He hates the idea of you growing up so fast. Hates the idea that anything could get in the way of you becoming the powerful attorney he wants you to be and well, the age difference I know must irk him. I admit it irked me a bit at first. But I know William well enough to know he’s a good man that wouldn’t hurt you for anything. I can see it in him, Buffy. He adores you.”

Buffy bit her lip and looked down at the ground, fidgeting slightly, “Yeah, well.”

“Don’t let what happened to your father stop you from being with William, Buffy. It wasn’t your fault.”

“I should have told him,” Buffy said in a small voice. “I should have told him. Eased him into it somehow. He shouldn’t have had to find out the way he did.”

“And you believe it was this Drusilla woman that sent him the pictures?”

Buffy nodded adamantly. “Yes. She has more than just the crush Dad thinks she has. She’s obsessed with him. She tries to make me look bad at every turn, she’s hated me from day one. She would spit shine William’s shoes if he wanted. She’s . . . pathetic. Then there’s Harmony. Yesterday when I arrived at the office she asked how my weekend was.”

Joyce gave her a funny look. “And that’s odd?”

“Yes, coming from Harmony it’s odd. She only pays enough attention to me to look at me as if I’m a walking disease and it was the way she asked. She had this knowing smile as if she knew something. I immediately thought something was up and that she knew about William and I. That maybe she’d seen us or knew we were together. And she’s the only one besides William that Drusilla will talk to. Nicely.”

“Then how do you know it wasn’t Harmony?”

Buffy shook her head, “She has nothing to gain from it. Drusilla has my reputation to ruin and Dad laying down the law on us seeing each other to gain from it. She has getting William all to herself to gain from sending Dad those pictures.”

“Honey, how do you think William is going to get Drusilla to admit what she did? I mean, if what you say is true and Dru is in fact obsessed with William, wouldn’t she do anything to hold on to him?”

“Yes, but, Drusilla is so thoroughly against upsetting William in any way. She’d rather jump out a building than do wrong by William. Her jealousy over my involvement with William drove her to have us followed, but I’m counting on her obsessive need to please William to make her admit what she did.”

“That’s counting on a lot, Buffy. Perhaps we should count our blessings that your father is out of the woods and focus on keeping him there instead of starting war. I do think William should by all means fire her, but a settlement and a lawsuit, I just don’t know,” Joyce shook her head. “There’s enough to worry about with your father’s health.”

Buffy shook her head. “No. She set out to ruin lives and Dad got caught in it—“

“Buffy, a heart attack could have happened at any time.”

“I don’t care,” Buffy said firmly.

Joyce sighed. “You’re as stubborn as your father, you know that?”

Buffy smiled then, a real genuine smile. It’d felt so long since she’d done that. “Thank you.”

Joyce laughed, “I should have known you’d take that as a compliment.”

Buffy smiled and shrugged. “So much of me is just like him. No wonder he and I can argue so well.”

Joyce nodded, “And you still will too. The important thing is to make sure from here on out you still let each other know that you love each other now and again.”

Buffy’s eyes welled up in tears again and the thought passed through her mind that she was an emotional wreck. “When I was in the ambulance with him, I kept telling him I loved him. I was so afraid he would . . . and not know.”

“He knows, honey. He does. But it goes to show you how important it is to let your loved ones know you love them, isn’t it?”

Buffy nodded, “Absolutely right. And speaking of loved ones, shouldn’t we go see Dad now?”

Joyce watched her for a minute and Buffy said “Mom?”

Joyce nodded, “Yes, you’re right. Didn’t William mention he wanted to come?”

Buffy nodded as she went to grab her jacket, “Yeah, we can call him from the car.”

******************************************************

“You ever just feel like you’ve been hit by a bus?” Buffy asked William as they walked together to the cafeteria, leaving Joyce and Hank to some time alone.

William reached out and grabbed her hands, entwining his fingers with hers and kissing the back of her hand. “I think I’m familiar with that emotion.”

“You had a nap though, didn’t you?”

He grinned, “I did.”

“I might not be going to class again tomorrow,” she sighed and pulled her hand out of his grasp as they entered the cafeteria. Heading for the refreshments, she spoke to him over her shoulder. “So, um, I wanted to ask . . . “

“If you can come home with me?” he said hopefully, yet in a teasing manner. “And sleep in my bed?”

She laughed airily, “Angel and Wesley . . . they’re not um, upset with you for . . . us?”

William shook his head and grabbed a plastic creamer and handed it to Buffy. “Not upset. Angel was actually quite oblivious, but Wesley said he knew the whole time. ”

“So did my mother apparently.” She blushed as she poured in the cream and grabbed two Splenda’s, tearing them open and pouring them in. “We should have been more careful. Though I guess after today if he hadn’t known, my outburst would have clued him in.”

“No, if he didn’t know, then Hank’s heart attack would have tipped him off.”

Buffy flinched at that and nodded. “Yeah, everyone knows now huh?”

“Do you care?” he asked huskily and leaned in, nibbling lightly on her ear. “The important players know now.”

“I guess I only care at this point if it’s hurt your career in any way.”

His eyes lit up in awe and kissed her hard and quick. “No, it hasn’t, but thanks for caring.”

“What can I say? I’m a giver,” and she giggled.

“So will you come home with me tonight?”

“Will, I’m really tired—“

“Buffy,” he said sternly, “I just want to hold you. I don’t want anything from you than just to have you next to me in my bed.” His tone softened, “You comfort me, you help me sleep.”

She laughed lightly, “You have serious problems if you think I’m comforting. I’m a train wreck,” and she moved around him, heading back to her father.

William watched her go, wondering if he was imagining it or if she was slowly slipping through his fingers.
 

Chapter 25:

“Buffy, you could have gone with William, you didn’t have to come home with me if you didn’t want to,” Joyce said as she drove them home after visiting Hank.

“Mom!” Buffy exclaimed horrified. “Jesus, I don’t . . . you’re creeping me out.”

Joyce chuckled, “Sorry. Too much to have your mother actually advocating for you to stay with your older boyfriend?’

“Yes. It’s embarrassing enough you know that we . . . that we’ve. . . “ Buffy said gesturing to get the words out.

“Had sex?” Joyce asked with a twinkle in her eye. She laughed when Buffy hid her face in her hands. “I realize that you’re an adult now Buffy—“

Buffy let out a snort in disagreement.

“Well, by legal means you are. Which means that there isn’t much I can do at this point. Not saying that I’m about to let you and William engage in sexual intercourse under my roof while I’m there—“

Buffy burst out laughing, “Sexual intercourse. So technical mom.”

Joyce grinned, and slightly blushed, “You’ve been with him for a long time so it’s not like I don’t know that you’ve been . . . active.”

“I didn’t feel like going over,” Buffy said indifferently. “I feel the need to be in my own bed.”

“I understand.”

Buffy fell silent, staring out the window and watching the scenes pass her by, not really taking anything in and not really processing much of anything. Thoughts just came and bounced around, but she was too tired to dwell on any of them.

“Buffy, do you love William?” Joyce’s voice broke through her random thoughts.

Buffy knit her brows together in thought. “I don’t . . . know.”

“You don’t know? Has he told you--?”

“That he loves me? Yes.” A beat. “Seems like he tells me all the time,” and she sounded almost resentful of that.

“You must feel something for him.”

“I feel a great deal of things. None of which I can make sense out of. Mostly, I feel overwhelmed.”

“Overwhelmed? By his affection, you mean?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you not feel worthy or uncertain of his affections? I can tell you that William –“

“Is a great guy and would never hurt me, I know.”

Joyce frowned at the near snapping of Buffy’s comment and let silence settle for a minute.

“Buffy, who pursued whom?”

“Umm, it was kind of both of us. We both kind of . . . fell into it.”

“So there was no pressuring—“

“No, mom, why are you asking this?”

“A mother can’t be curious and want to know what’s happening in her daughter’s life? Especially when it comes to love.”

Buffy let out a sigh and shifted in her seat. She was radiating restlessness. “Can we not talk about this anymore?”

Odd, Joyce thought. “Okay, honey.”

Silence fell once again. This time, for the rest of the way home. Joyce wondered what was going through her daughter’s mind, but didn’t want to press her. She had a feeling that there was going to be some rough terrain ahead.

*******************************************

Buffy slept like a log and well into the afternoon. And even when she’d woken up, she still had no energy to move. She lay there, staring up at the ceiling, letting her mind go blissfully blank as she stared at the fake plastic stars on her ceiling. Her eyes followed the pattern of the Big Dipper and she yawned.

Rolling over she shut her eyes and she began to mull over what she had to do that day. Her dad was going to be coming home that day as soon as he got the okay from the doctor. Her mom was taking the day off to get everything ready for him and Buffy offered to help her last night before they’d gone to bed. She’d offered to go into the office that day and pick up messages from clients and such. She wasn’t keen on her dad jumping into the foray to start working right away, but she supposed since he was planning to work from home for a while, it couldn’t hurt too much.

She also had some homework to do to catch up on what she’d missed, but that could wait until later.

Her cell phone going off on her nightstand startled her and she stared at it, pondering if she really wanted to answer it. Sighing heavily, she gave in and answered.

“Hello.”

“Buffy, hey, it’s Willow.”

“Hey Wills.”

“I heard from Dr. Richards that your father had a heart attack. Are you okay? Is he okay?”

“Did he just decide to tell the class?” Buffy asked, sitting up against her headboard.

“No, no, of course not. He pulled me aside and asked me if I’d let you know not to rush back and to take your time. I guess you’d gone to see him yesterday?”

Buffy sighed, wanting to blot out the whole day – or rather, the part where she’d flipped a nutty in William’s office. “Yeah, I did. I wanted to get what work I’d missed and all that.”

“Well, he felt really bad that he hadn’t told you not to hurry back.”

“That was nice of him.”

“So is your Dad okay?”

“Yeah, Wills, he’s okay.”

“What about you, are you okay?”

Buffy honestly didn’t know how to answer that. She didn’t know howshe felt. Was that possible to not know how you felt? Was she okay? Or was the absence of feeling cause for alarm?

“I’m okay.”

“When is your Dad coming home?”

“Sometime today as long as the doctor’s okay it.”

“You must be relieved.”

“I am.”

“Where was he when it happened?”

Buffy worried her bottom lip with her teeth for a second. “At the office. I was with him . . . he uh, he collapsed in my arms.”

Willow gasped. “Oh my God, Buffy, you must have been so scared.”

“I was, yes.”

“Is there anything I can do?”

“I don’t think so . . . “

“Do you want me to come over later? Or maybe we could meet at the library and I could give you my notes for class?”

“Actually Willow that would be great.” Buffy heaved a sigh of relief. “How about I call you later after my Dad is home?”

“Sure, that sounds fine, take your time.”

“Thanks Wills.”

“Take it easy and I’ll talk to you later.”

*******************************
Later that day when she’d finally found the energy to get up and go, Buffy arrived at her father’s office to collect what he needed. She chatted with the very kind receptionist who told her that Mr. Madden was already in his office doing the very same thing she’d come to do.

Shuffling down the hall, she poked her head in Hank’s office and found William rifling through some files and making a pile in a box on the desk.

“Hey,” she greeted him, coming into the room.

He turned and smiled broadly at her. “Hey, you. What are you up to?”

“Same thing you are. Getting my Dad’s things?”

“Yeah, I figured it was the least I could do,” William said, gazing at the stack of files. “I’m wondering if some of this work can be pawned off onto the others.”

“Party in Hank’s office?”

Both turned to see a shaggy haired brunette with medium build, blue eyes and a smile that contained dimples, standing in the doorway. Buffy recognized him immediately as Lindsey McDonald, one of her father’s partners.

Lindsey focused in on her. “Hey Buffy. How’s your dad?”

“He’s good,” Buffy said, nodding, “He’s coming home in a couple hours.”

Lindsey grinned, “You must be relieved.”

Buffy smiled, “Very. Uh, Lindsey, can I ask you a question?”

“Shoot.”

“Is it possible that some of my Dad’s work can be taken over? I really don’t want him to jump in full throttle and –“

Lindsey held up his hand, “Say no more. I’ve actually spoken to a few of his clients and done some work for them. Lilah too. I’d be happy to take a look at some of the files and see what I can do. I know there are some clients your father just won’t want to give up, but we can sort through them.”

Buffy heaved a sigh of relief. “Thank you so much.”

“No problem. Your Dad is a good man and we want him healthy, don’t we?” Lindsey said, smiling.

“Definitely,” Buffy agreed. “So, um, when would you like me to start?”

Lindsey blinked, “Start?”

“Buffy, you don’t have to –“ William started.

Buffy ignored him, “My father said he wanted me to start working here. Is there an opening?”

Lindsey frowned, “Not really with Lilah or I . . . Maybe he meant with him? Though he has his own secretary. Maybe you could help her? I wish I could be of more help, but I didn’t know anything about it.”

“Is she here today?”

“Buffy—“ William started again.

“She’s not, actually. She’s been ill, well, since your father had his . . . “ Lindsey trailed off. She realized it was hard to say the words ‘heart attack.’ It was as if by the words being spoken it would happen suddenly again.

“I see. Well, I’ll just talk with my Dad and see what he wants me to do.”

“Sounds good. Why don’t you leave the files for now? Lilah and I will wade through them and see what we can take on and you can come by tomorrow and pick up the remainders.”

“Thank you so much, Lindsey,” Buffy said gratefully.

“No problem. And if he needs to speak with any of us, just tell him to call okay?”

“Will do, thanks again.”

Lindsey nodded and smiled and retreated. Buffy turned back to William, feeling relieved, feeling that she’d finally done somethingright. Though, when she looked at William, she got the distinct impression she’d done something wrong by the sour look on his face. “What?”

“Wesley wanted you to stay,” he said, sounding slightly annoyed.

“Yeah, and my father distinctly said that he didn’t want me to,” she retorted.

“He’s fine with us now, Buffy,” William said reasonably.

“Honestly Will, I’d feel more comfortable being here with everything that’s happened. And especially after yesterday.”

“Buffy, I told you, no one blames you for what happened. Under the circumstances-“

“Yeah, well I still feel like an idiot and I think it’d be best if I just started fresh here. I made an ass out of myself Will.”

“So you’re going to run with your tail between your legs and let Drusilla win?”

“No,” she snapped, “I’m not. Besides, I’d like to be here to keep an eye on my father for when he does decide to come back to work.”

William sighed heavily and ran a hand through his hair. “All right.”

“So glad you approve,” she said sarcastically.

He looked up at her, “Hey, I’m on your side here.”

Buffy shook her head, “Just forget it. How is the Bride of Frankenstein? She confess yet?”

“She called out.”

Buffy’s eyes widened. “She called out? Wow. She must be scared as hell you’re going to cut her loose. Either that or she’s afraid I’ll run into her and beat the tar out of her with no one there to hold me back.”

William smiled slightly. “You want to take bets?”

Buffy giggled, “No, I’m all set with that.”

He cocked his head to the side, studying her. “You feel better today?”

She shrugged, “I guess.”

“You guess?”

“Yeah, listen, I should get going. I told my Mom I’d go with her to the hospital to get him.”

“Can I come?”

“If you want to,” she shrugged non-committally.

His expression darkened slightly, “Of course I want to.”

“Then, sure. You can meet us there if you want.”

William nodded, “Of course. Right. Maybe when he’s settled in, I could take you out for dinner?”

“Can’t. Meeting Willow to get notes from one of my classes. Need to catch up on my studies.”

He sighed, “Okay. Maybe tomorrow?”

“Maybe.” She glanced down at her watch. “I’m gonna get going. I’ll call you before we leave and you can meet us there.” She turned and started to go.

”Buffy?” William called after her.

She stopped and turned, “Yeah?”

“Do I get a kiss?” he asked, hopefully, looking almost forlorn.

“Oh, sorry,” she said, slightly discombobulated. Rushing to him, she kissed him quickly before he could draw her in further—he didn’t even get the chance to take her in his arms before she was across the room once again. “See you later.”

William stared at the door where she’d retreated from, wondering what was going on in her head and if there was any way to possibly reach her before he lost her completely.
 

Chapter 26:

“Buffy? You there?” Willow said as her hand passed in front of Buffy’s face.

Buffy blinked and snapped back to reality, shaking her head. “Sorry, I was zoning.”

Willow studied her, “Is there anything about your Dad you’re not telling me?”

Buffy stared at her friend, the friend she’d used to cover her time with William, and she realized that Willow knew nothing of that. She’d never hung out with Willow outside of school since the night her and William had met up at the club and she’d gone home with him. She’d been asked to go out, but had declined.

She’d always been with William.

“No, he’s fine,” Buffy said absently. Looking down at her book she thought of how happy Hank looked to be finally arriving home. On her way home, Buffy had stopped and purchased a “WELCOME HOME” banner from a party store and hung it up for him. He’d given her a big hug and thanked her for it.

William had joined them as he said he would and Hank had been pleased to see him. They’d all had dinner together and before it got late, Buffy had called and arranged to meet with Willow at the campus library to go over her studies. She could tell William had been put out by it, but also knew that her studies were important to her so he didn’t pout too much.

“Willow, can I ask you a question?”

Willow looked up from her notes, “Of course.”

“Have you ever felt that you were heading towards something and it was something big? And you were kind of really afraid of what it was you were heading towards, and at times overwhelmed—but you knew at the same time, it was where you were meant to be?”

Willow stared at Buffy, and Buffy could tell she was trying to make sense of what she was saying before she finally answered, “Yes.”

“Did you ever feel . . . crowded by it?”

“Yes. Law school. There are days when I feel confident in it, and then there are days when I feel lost in it. The professors can be so tough and the work demanding and sometimes I think it’d be easier if I just majored in literature instead of this . . . but I know I’m where I’m supposed to be in the long run.”

Buffy nodded and her eyes traveled back to her book.

“Buffy, you want to tell me what’s going on?”

Buffy’s head popped up, “When you fell in love with Oz, how did you know?”

Willow sat back and sighed almost dreamily, “Well, he was someone I wanted to know everything and anything about. We could literally talk for hours and it still wasn’t enough. I wanted more. I wanted to crawl inside his head and know everything about how he felt, thought . . . he was the single most fascinating person I knew. And he in turn made me feel as if I were fascinating and special. I love who I am with him. Together we . . . fit. Like puzzle pieces – clichéd, yes, I know, but true.
I got butterflies in my stomach when I was with him – still do at times – I get giddy and happy and excited. My skin tingled, my heart raced . . . I felt at peace with him and yet on the edge of something grand. I wanted to be there for everything, and I still do. I want to celebrate his successes and bitch with him about his set backs. The world just falls away when we’re together.”

Buffy nodded, mulling it over.

“Are you in love with someone, Buffy?”

“From what you’ve described, it seems I am.”

Willow’s brows knit, “You don’t sound sure.”

“I’m . . . feeling . . . Is it possible to be in love but not be sure if it’s what you want at the moment or maybe it’s not what you necessarily need at the moment?”

“I imagine a lot of people feel that way,” Willow chuckled lightly, “Especially men. The commitment-phobes, you know?”

“Maybe I’m a commitment phobe too.”

“Who is it Buffy?”

Buffy sighed heavily, “Before I tell you, I want to apologize in advance.”

“For?”

”For using you as my cover for so long.”

“This should be good,” Willow said dryly with a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth.

Buffy laughed, “Yeah, it’s good.”

Starting at the beginning when she had ‘re-met’ William, Buffy told Willow everything up to that point about her and William and their relationship. Willow listened, switching between awe and thoughtfulness.

“And now,” Buffy said finishing up, “I just . . . I feel crowded. It’s like my mother knows and supports it and is pushing me toward it and I’m not even sure what it is I want from William—“

“His love maybe?”

“I have that and I’m not sure what to do with it,” Buffy grumbled and ran a hand through her hair, feeling frustrated.

“From what you’ve told me Buffy, it sounds like your relationship with William is pretty intense. It sounds like you’ve been feeling pretty overwhelmed by him from the start and not just recently.”

“Yes, that’s true,” Buffy agreed. “But I was hoping, or thought that it would work itself out. That there’d be a day when I didn’t feel that way anymore. When I would just know, ya know?”

“Buffy, when I first met you, I thought ‘this girl has got it together’. You’re driven, determined and smart. You knew where you were going and what you wanted –“

“So then what happened?”

“Love, Buffy. It has a way of shaking foundations.”

“I don’t want it to shake my foundation!” Buffy exclaimed, frustrated. Her eyes darted around the room and she found she’d drawn attention. She rolled her eyes. “I really need to work on keeping my mouth shut.”

“Listen, you were headed towards something with William and it was scary and it made you feel out of control and overwhelmed. Being older and having experience, he knew what it was and how to deal with it. You, being younger and never having felt anything like it, didn’t. There is no shame in that, Buffy. It’s normal. It’s human. Then something tragic happened that totally completely uprooted your foundation. It was like a car wreck and it threw you clean from the crash. You’re like a . . . a car wreck victim. Disoriented, in shock, numb. You can’t just climb back in the car and drive off again as if nothing happened. It facilitated a chain of events that has made you start to question things. Not to mention what happened just before the wreck…some of how you’re feeling has to be guilt. Even though it’s not your fault, Buffy. You have to keep reminding yourself of that.”

“I thought car wrecks – heart attacks— and near losing someone you love – was supposed to make you value more what you have and hold on to them tighter?” Buffy said in frustration, fighting back tears.

“Buffy, not everyone is the same. Things like that make you question things too – some people end up in that place of holding on to what they have tighter and have a sense of liberation from it. But not everybody is the same. You’re questioning it, what you have, what you want—“

“And it’s making me act like a lunatic and feel crazy. I just feel like I need to get my head together. I feel so out of whack here,” Buffy said, staring off into space glumly.

“Then give yourself time to get your head together. Talk to William about it.”

“I don’t want to hurt him. He’ll be hurt if he knew that part of this – a lot of it—has to do with him.”

”Wouldn’t he be more hurt if you pushed him away without telling him why?”

“How did you get so wise?” Buffy asked, smiling slightly.

Willow grinned. “I was a psych major before I decided I wanted to do law. With that I felt as if I wasn’t headed anywhere.”

Buffy studied her thoughtfully. “So then there’s hope for me. Because at least I knew I was headed somewhere before . . . so maybe with some time I can redefine that path?”

“Exactly. In the meantime, what do you say to going out and blowing off some much needed steam? No boys, just us. We can hit that club again and I can introduce you to Anya once again. Maybe a night out with the girls is just what you need.”

Buffy grinned and sat back, crossing her arms, but feeling much more relaxed. “I think that might be just what the doctor ordered.”

 

Chapter 27:

Do I stress you out?
My sweater is on backwards and inside out
And you say how appropriate
I don't want to dissect everything today
I don't mean to pick you apart you see
But I can't help it
There I go jumping before the gunshot has gone off
Slap me with a splintered ruler
And it would knock me to the floor if I wasn't there already
If only I could hunt the hunter

Buffy knocked on William’s door after having driven around for an hour after her meeting with Willow. She drove around, singing along to the radio and trying to clear her head.

And all I really want is some patience
A way to calm the angry voice
And all I really want is deliverance
Do I wear you out
You must wonder why I'm so relentless and all strung out
I'm consumed by the chill of solitary
I'm like Estella
I like to reel it in and then spit it out
I'm frustrated by your apathy
And I am frightened by the corrupted ways of this land
If only I could meet the Maker

She had considered putting off a chat with William about what was going on in her head, but Willow had made a valid point about keeping it from him. Not to mention, she knew William well enough to know he’d be upset if she didn’t talk to him. Hell, she knew he was already wondering what was going on in her head and why she’d been pulling away. She honestly hadn’t meant to, she just wasn’t clear on what was happening with her and hadn’t wanted to unload on him while she’d tried to figure it out.

She was the Queen of Denial and Avoidance. Of that, she knew.

And I am fascinated by the spiritual man
I am humbled by his humble nature
What I wouldn't give to find a soulmate
Someone else to catch this drift
And what I wouldn't give to meet a kindred
Enough about me, let's talk about you for a minute
Enough about you, let's talk about life for a while
The conflicts, the craziness and the sound of pretenses
Falling all around...all around
Why are you so petrified of silence--

It was strange to her how she could be on this path, sure of what she was doing and where she was going and then all of a sudden, she felt like a little girl lost in a storm. On the one hand, she was an adult able to make adult decisions and have an adult relationship and on the other hand, she felt vulnerable and unprepared. And if she were honest with herself, she knew this was a long time coming, and not just since her father’s heart attack. That had just been the catalyst. She was feeling very rushed into something she wasn’t sure she was ready for.

Her heart was in her throat when William answered the door.

Here can you handle this?

“Buffy, what are you—are you okay?”

She was wringing her hands, a nervous habit, and she stopped, “Yeah, I just, I wanted to see you.”

He pulled her in, closing the door, and pulled her completely in his arms. “I’m glad you came.”

“Can we talk?”

“Of course.”

Did you think about your bills, your ex, your deadlines
Or when you think you're gonna die
Or did you long for the next distraction
And all I need know is intellectual intercourse
A soul to dig the hole much deeper
And I have no concept of time other than it is flying
If only I could kill the killer

Following him into his living room, she took her jacket off and they sat together on the couch.

“Buffy, you’re scaring me. What’s going on?”

She worried her bottom lip with her teeth and turned toward him. “I’ve been . . . going through some stuff.”

“We all have.”

That caught her attention. She looked up at him. “I’ve been awful to you haven’t I?”

He shook his head and took her hand in his. “No, Buffy, not awful. Distant.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be. I wasn’t trying to be . . . I was hoping it’d pass.”

“Hoping exactly what would pass?”

“My confusion.”

“Over?”

“Oh . . . everything.”

“Us?”

She nodded.

“What are you confused about?”

“How I feel.”

He paused and sighed, sitting back and raking a hand through his hair. “Okay. First things first . . . Buffy, do you . . . care for me?”

“I do. I do a great deal.”

“But not love.”

She looked down. “I don’t know.”

“You said it once.”

Her head jerked to him, “I did? When?”

“In the car on the way home from the hospital the day Hank had his heart attack.”

She furrowed her brow. “I said it?”

“Yes, you said it. You were falling asleep and I told you I loved you and you said it back to me,” he said softly, fidgeting slightly.

“Will, I’m sorry, I didn’t know—“

“I didn’t think you did.” He stood and strode across the room, agitated. “Buffy, I realize you’re young, but your age doesn’t matter to me. I love you.”

She studied him. “I know. I’m also inexperienced in this sort of thing. I’ve never been in love before William. I don’t know all that it entails.”

“Feeling. Emotion. It involves your heart and not so much your head.”

“I’m gathering that,” she muttered. “Will, I just feel overwhelmed, honestly. I just feel that I’m . . . going slightly mad right now. I feel like I’ve got a few screws loose and need to tighten them up before I can move forward.”

He froze. “Are you telling me we’re over, Buffy? Are you breaking up with me?”

She paused, hesitating. “I’m not really sure—“

He snapped into action and strode across the room, grabbing her and hauling her to her feet. “No,” he shook his head. “I won’t lose you Buffy. I won’t let you run from me—“

“Will, I’m not running, I’m just trying to talk—“

“You said you weren’t sure. Buffy, I told you. I told you when we started this that if you were with me, I wasn’t letting you go. I knew then and I’m telling you now: I love you, Buffy. I love you and I’m not letting you throw this away—“

She shoved him. “I didn’t say I was breaking up with you. And that,” she gestured between them, right there is why I’m so confused. And overwhelmed. Christ, am I overwhelmed! You’re this calm, rational person one minute then this . . . this caveman the next.”

He looked wounded, “You think I’m a caveman?”

She let out an exasperated sigh and threw her hands up. “See? I suck at this. This is exactly why I never tell anyone how I feel. I always fuck it up!”

He took a deep cleansing breath and looked at her. His shoulders were relaxed, though his blue eyes betrayed his outward appearance of calm. A storm was brewing in those eyes.

“Let’s start again, shall we? What am I doing to make you upset, Princess?

“You’re not . . . You’re intense. Too intense for me when I’m trying to figure out what I feel and what we’re doing—“

“I’m too intense?” he nearly balked at that, “If you only knew how much I’ve kept under wraps, you’d be thanking me for it—“

“Great, thanks. Sorry, I didn’t realize I was making you have to hold back,” she said sarcastically.

“Buffy, you don’t . . . You don’t know what you do to me, Princess,” he said on a whispery sigh. “You . . . I love you so much, baby,” he reached for her and brought her into the circle of his arm, nuzzling her neck. “I love you as I’ve never loved anyone. You drive me bloody crazy with loving and wanting you. I need you, Buffy.”

She sagged against him, feeling that pull to him she always felt in his passionate displays and words. But that is the problem, remember? the voice in her head reminded her.

She stiffened.

“Buffy?” he asked, worriedly, looking at her, caressing the side of her face. “Talk to me, baby.”

All I really want is some peace man
a place to find a common ground

“This, William. This overwhelms me. When you get so intense, I feel like I’m drowning in you – which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but then I feel like I don’t know what end is up after . . . “

He released her and stepped away from her, almost as if he’d been burned. “I’m driving you away.”

“No, Will, you’re . . . “ she stopped abruptly and then nodded, “Okay, partly yes. It’s me too . . . it’s. . “

“Us,” he said softly.

“What is it you see for us Will? What is it you see in the future?”

“I see forever for us, Buffy. I want you with me forever,” he said deeply, his blue eyes pained.

“I’m not ready for forever yet. I’m not even done with school. I have things I want to accomplish first before I –“

“And I’ll wait. I’ll wait until you’re ready. I’m not normally a patient man, but I can be. Especially when it comes to you, Buffy,” he told her fervently. “Don’t end this, Buffy. Stay with me.”

“I’m not leaving you William. I’m . . . I’m asking for a break. Just some time. Can I have that? Can you give that to me?”

His eyes narrowed, “Does a break include dating other men?”

“No. I can’t conceive of dating anyone else, Will. It just means that we cool it for a while, that’s all. Just some time to get my head on straight.”

“Can I still see you?”

“Yes. But . . . I - I don’t think we should sleep together. I think most of that is where my confusion comes in. All that passion it makes me . . . dazed.”

He smirked, “I don’t see where that’s necessarily a bad thing, pet.”

She smiled softly at him.

And all I really want is a wavelength
All I really want is some comfort
A way to get my hands untied

“Yeah, well, it’s not conducive to getting my head on straight.”

“Buffy, I want you to come to me, to talk to me about things. I don’t want you to feel you can’t.”

She nodded, “I know. It’s why I’m here. I won’t lie and tell you I was all gung ho about coming over and talking with you about this, but I’m trying. I’m just not always going to be good at it.”

“Buffy, you’ve been feeling this way for a while though, haven’t you?”

She looked down, “Yeah, I have.”

“Listen to me. Pet, look at me.”

She looked up at him.

“Please, Buffy, come to me. Come to me and talk to me. About anything. Please. I won’t judge you, I won’t push you for anything. Just talk to me.”

She nodded, “Okay.”

“So, does this mean I can take you out to dinner tomorrow?”

She smiled, “Sure. Well, let me make sure I get my work done first.”

“Will you stop by the office tomorrow? I think Wesley would like to speak with you.”

“Yeah,” she sighed, “Another mess to fix. God, I’m a mess.”

“No, you’re not a mess,” he took her hand and pulled her back into his arms. “You’ve just got a lot going on. You’re still so young . . . sometimes I forget how young you are.”

“I never forget,” she murmured burying her face in his chest. “Times like this remind me that I’ve still got a lot of growing up to do. You sure you don’t want someone closer to your age?” As soon as the words were spoken, she felt nauseous. That didn’t sit well with her at all, nor did the idea of her being with someone else. It’d hurt William and frankly, she didn’t want anyone else.

Sounds a lot like love, the voice told her.

“No, I just want you,” he told her hoarsely. He looked at her, cupping her face in his hands. “Just you.”

She smiled.

“Promise me one thing?”

“What?”

“That there won’t be someone else.”

“For me? No, Will, there isn’t. There won’t be.”

He leaned in and she felt her lips tingle with anticipation of his kisses. He stopped abruptly, “Can I still kiss you?”

“Yes, please,” she whispered and his lips covered hers in a passionate kiss.

He held onto her tight, just holding her for a while after her, telling her how afraid he’d been that he was losing her.

When she left, he kissed her again, slowly and sweetly.

“I’ll be by tomorrow. Do you think Dru will be in?” she asked as she slid her coat on.

He frowned, “Who knows.”

“I’ll be in to see her,” and she smiled devilishly.

And all I really want is some justice
 

Chapter 28:

William sat staring out his office window the next morning, mulling over his conversation with Buffy the night before.

He felt like a bloody git for having scared her off the way he did. He shook his head, and here he thought he'd tamed his 'intensity'. Ha! Well, he justified, he'd always been an intense sort of man. Though, he understood where she was coming from. He remembered the first time he'd fallen in love. It was fast and knocked him clear on his ass. He remembered being scared - mostly of losing Isabel -but he'd charged ahead. The way he did with everything.

He also knew that what he felt for Buffy far surpassed when he'd felt for Isabel, his first love. Buffy was the One. He'd been drawn to her like no other and he knew it was by her side he was meant to be.

He just had to make sure she got that; felt the same way about him. But he couldn't make her feel that way. He had to do what he promised to do last night. Give her time.

Even if he was more afraid than ever to lose her. He just had to keep on his promise not to smother her. To give her time. After all good things come to those who wait and he had waited a long time for Buffy to come in his life and now he just had to wait for her to stay there. He'd meant it when he said he wanted her forever. Forever and beyond.

He knew loving someone so young was dangerous. Most women her age didn't have the maturity or presence of mind to handle a very adult relationship of the caliber he planned to engage in with Buffy. His girl was rare, however. She had maturity that most her age didn't and she had presence of mind - even if she currently felt she was lacking in it. So he'd give her the time she needed, for if that was what she needed to make sure that he was it for the rest of her life, then so be it.

"May I speak with you?"

He spun in his chair and was surprised to see Drusilla standing there, dressed all in black, her hair pulled tight in a bun and looking as demure as anything. She looked . . . pinched tight, it was the only way to describe how prim and proper she appeared. She was staring at the floor.

"You called out," William said in way of greeting and sat in his chair, unmoving and expressionless.

"I did," she said, still looking down.

"And yet here you are."

She looked up at him, "May I close the door and speak with you in private William?"

She was devoid of makeup and looking extremely pale. He nodded and sat back, wondering what she was up to.

As soon as the door was open, she was across the room and kneeling before him, balling her eyes out and placing her head in his lap. He was too stunned to move and simply stared down at her whilst trying to close his legs.

"Forgive me, please, forgive me," she begged on a sob. She looked up at him, "I never meant to hurt you William."

He stared at her, stunned. "I - "

"She's not good for you William. She's poison. She'll break your heart and leave you cold and alone-"

"Drusilla-"

"I wouldn't leave you William. I'd make you happy. I'd do anything to keep you happy and successful. I adore you William, I do-" She reached up to him, trying to bring his face down to hers to kiss him.

Gripping her arms, he stopped her. "Get a hold of yourself, girl," he commanded her. He stood up quickly, nearly knocking her to the ground with his abrupt movements and she stared up at him, her hair falling out of her bun, her long black skirt up around her thighs and her shirt askew. Apparently she'd worn mascara because it was smudged and running as tears coursed down her cheeks.

"I love you, William. I've loved you for years. . . for so long I've waited for you. And her. . . that vile girl stole you from me! Don't you see? She's put a spell on you. She's turned you against me. Weren't we happy, William?"

He stared down at her, "What? What are you talking about? Happy? We were never together Dru."

"But we were happy here . . . weren't we? I kept waiting and waiting for you. I knew you'd come around eventually. I knew one day you'd see we were meant to be and then-" she took on a look of disgust, "-that girl came between us."

William shook his head, "There was never going to be an us, Drusilla." He actually felt sorry for her. She was always so together, so perfectly coiffed and her work so meticulously done. She never missed a step and William knew he had struck gold when he'd hired her as his secretary, but he had no idea what lie underneath that together exterior.

She was nuts!

"Get up off the floor, Dru," William told her abruptly.

Wide-eyed, Dru did as she was told.

"Tell me, I want to hear it. What did you do exactly?"

Drusilla gulped as tears ran down her cheeks unchecked. "I want you to know that I'm only sorry because I know what Mr. Summers means to you and I am not sorry for her."

William's jaw clenched and his hands balled into fists. Her apparent hatred for Buffy and her inability to understand and have compassion for the man Buffy called Dad was unforgivable. The desire to lash out at her was tempting, but he knew he could not.

"I had you followed. I knew you were with her. I heard you and," she wrinkled her nose, "I could smell you on her. And her on you. It was disgusting." Her eyes narrowed at him. "All that sickening display of affection between you two. The way you smiled at her. You should have been smiling at me that way. I sent the pictures to Mr. Summers betting on the idea that he didn't know what his precious little girl was doing," she said on a sneer at the end.

"So that, what? He'd make her-an adult - stop seeing me?"

Dru looked at him petulantly. "Yes. And ruin her reputation, make Wesley fire her."

"Make us fight?"

She met his eyes and said seriously, "Yes."

"It didn't work." And, he thought, you don't need to know that we're on a break. Buffy's still my girl and I'm still her man.

Dru's bravado sagged, "I know. You defended her."

William's eyes bore into her. "And I always will. I love her Drusilla."

Her eyes shut from the pain of that statement and a salty tear escaped. A sob sounded that William could tell she'd tried to contain, but to no avail. She shook her head, "She's got you under a spell."

"She wants to sue you, Drusilla."

"Let her try, she won't get anything out of me."

"You think so? Her father had a heart attack soon after those pictures were in his possession. Some might point fingers and blame you."

"Ha! More like her for lying to her father."

"Maybe we could work something out, keep it from getting nasty. I'm sure a lot would side with Buffy and myself - and especially the heart attack victim-"

Her eyes narrowed, "Do you really think she has a case?"

"You always thought I was a brilliant attorney Dru, what do you think?" he asked with a smirk.

"You'd betray the woman that has been beside you through everything for just a snotty brat that will warm your bed for a little while until she gets bored and moves on? You'd do that?"

He met her eyes and said firmly, "Yes."

She shook her head, "You're lost to me."

"You never had me to lose Drusilla," Will said on sigh.

"I would have had she not come around."

"No, Dru. What I feel for you-" he stopped at the now hopeful look in her eyes. "Is professional. I am grateful for the work you've done for me, but it ends there Drusilla. I don't know how else to tell you that I do not love you, nor will I ever love you." His voice deepened as he told her, almost sternly, "And if you love me, you will stop this vendetta you have against Buffy. You will leave her alone, you will leave me alone, and you will leave her family alone. Do you understand me?"

Her eyes welled up in tears again, but she raised her head high even as her bottom lip quivered, "Yes."

"Thank you."

"But I won't allow her to sue me-or you William. I will fight back. Do you understand me?"

William understood all too well. She was, after all, a woman scorned now. She would fight back and honestly, he would only have done it if Buffy had been adamant about pursuing a lawsuit against her. And, Buffy might have won, but the time and the stress wouldn't have been worth it in the long run. It would have just been Dru, Dru, and more Dru and at that point all William wanted was for the woman to be out of their lives once and for all. Having her around, no matter what the capacity, would only be problematic for them all. Best to have her leave with her tail between her legs with the promise to let them be. Dru knew now she'd never penetrate through to him, never get him to leave Buffy and never have him for herself. He always thought himself good at reading people and he could read it in her eyes now, the finality in them. The defeat. She would go and it would be done.

The offer of a Settlement was more for retribution for Buffy and Hank than anything else. He'd take the time to explain to Buffy that she would have fought back with all she had and it wouldn't have been pretty for either side and the last thing any of them needed right now was more stress.

"Yes. Collect your things and go. You have a half an hour. Don't come back again. Don't come near me, Buffy or her family again."

"I heard you the first time," and she stalked off to her office. Just for good measure, William called up security to make sure she left within the half. Settling down in his chair after, feeling completely drained, he rubbed his face with his hands and ached to hold Buffy in his arms. He needed to hold onto his Golden Girl and just bask in her radiance. She was a drug and he was in need of his fix.
**********************************************************
William's head jerked up at the sound of a soft knock on his door. Relief flooded him at the sight of Buffy standing there, smiling faintly at him.

"Hey," she greeted him and cocked her head to the side, "You okay?"

"I'm . . . worn out today," he admitted.

She worried her bottom lip with her teeth, "Me?"

"No, Princess, you're the best thing in any day. Can you come in and close the door?"

She nodded and shut the door, stepping fully in the room. He couldn't help himself, he had to have her in his arms and in the few strides it took to cross the room, she was.

"What happened today, William?" she asked softly, running her hands down his back in a comforting gesture.

"Drusilla."

She froze in his arms. "What did she do?"

"She's crazy, did you know that?"

Buffy laughed and he pulled back to see that brilliant smile of hers light up the room. "Yeah, I'm aware," she told him. "What happened?"

"Sit with me," he told her huskily and pulled her with him to his chair, settling down on it and pulling her on his lap.

Her eyebrows knit. "Should I be worried?"

"No," he shook his head, "She'll be leaving us be."

"And the Settlement?"

"I'm sorry, Princess. I can't make that happen."

"No, you can make it happen, you just don't want to," she said stiffly.

"You're right, I don't. I don't because she'll fight back and we all want to move on from this, don't we? The last thing we need is more stress, Buffy. Think of your Dad here."

She pursed her lips together, "All right. Tell me what happened."

He told her everything from when she came in to when she was screaming at the security guards that escorted her out. Buffy sat and listened - her eyes would widen at some areas and she'd make like a guppy at others.

"Wow," she breathed when he'd finished.

"So you see? It's best to keep her crazy self away from us."

Buffy nodded slowly, "I see that, but I just . . . "

"Wanted retribution?"

"Yes. Does that make me a bad person?"

"No, luv. Makes you human."

She nodded again, thoughtfully.

"What did Wesley have to say?"

"That he doesn't want me to leave."

"Does that mean?"

"I'm going to talk with my Dad first," she said firmly. "I kind of really want to stay and work with Wesley. I've learned a lot from him."

"I want you to stay too," William murmured and nuzzled her neck.

She giggled, "You're tickling me."

He chuckled. "Sorry."

"He's an observant one that Wesley, isn't he?" Buffy said suddenly. "To have us figured out."

William grinned, "He seems so obtuse sometimes, doesn't he?"

"They're always the ones!"

William laughed, "Yes, they are. How's school?"

Buffy wrinkled her nose, "Almost caught up. Just have a paper due at the end of this week I forgot about. I'm going to the library tonight to have Willow help me with it."

William sighed, "So no dinner then huh?"

She looked at him, "I'm sorry Will."

He shook his head, "Don't be. Your studies come first."

She leaned in and kissed him softly, and much too quickly for his liking. "Thank you." She slid off his lap and he let out a moan of protest. "Sorry. I've gots to go. I'm meeting Willow in twenty. I'll see you later, okay?"

"When?"

She gave him a look, "I don't know. I'll call you."

He sighed, "Okay. I'll wait."

"Thank you Will."

*********************************************************

Buffy didn’t like whiskey. She wasn’t sure how in the hell William could drink it like water. It burned a trail to her stomach and sat there. It did warm her belly though, which was nice considering how cold she was as she, Willow, Anya, and Anya’s cousin Faith Evans trooped through Boston finding places to hang out at for a bit before moving on again.

Faith took the nip from Buffy and grinned. “Not your thing B?”

Buffy shook her head, “How about the Peppermint Schnapps? I liked that.”

Faith reached in her jean jacket pocket and handed the flask she carried there to her.

“Thanks!” Buffy chirped and took two sips. She didn’t feel the chill in the air so much as a particular prickly wind grazed through them. “Liquid sweater,” she muttered to the flask and when Faith looked back at her and smiled, Buffy beamed.

She had to admit, she was having fun on her Friday night. And she hadn’t thought she would at the start of it. For one thing, she’d been a little nervous to meet Anya again. . For no particular reason other than she was always a little shy at first, and from the way she’d bailed on them that fateful night she’d met up with William at Envy. And that’s where they’d started the evening; at Envy. Anya had brought her cousin, Faith, to join them and at first Buffy hadn’t been sure she was going to like the wild, fly- by- the- seat- of- her- pants girl. Buffy was used to a certain level of decorum and . . . containment. Faith was all about letting it all hang out.

It was what, Buffy decided; she liked most about the brunette with the ruby red lips and dark eyes. Looking at her attire – the tight jeans and tight black shirt with black men’s shoes—Faith looked the type of girl that was not only the complete antithesis of Buffy, but also someone William would have gone after. She was a free spirit and also loud, outgoing and boisterous. She could also swear like a trooper.

Unbeknownst to the group, Faith had brought refreshments. Since none of them were twenty-one yet and could not drink, Faith had felt – according to her—it was her civil duty to bring beverages. Just to add a little kick, she had said.

Willow was hesitant, but took a sip of the Schnapps and then politely declined. Anya had gotten pleasantly tipsy and stopped. Buffy and Faith however, they kept going. Buffy knew she was well beyond ‘tipsy’. She was drunk off her ass. She was pleasantly numb and felt uncharacteristically carefree. She felt weightless. It was why it didn’t bother her that Faith seemed to be a regular at places that didn’t serve underage individuals such as them. All she cared about was that she got slipped rum in her Coke and Faith was able to fill up her little flask full of Schnapps. It paid to know people, Buffy learned.

“I like you,” she slurred to Faith and slung an arm across her shoulders as they walked.

Faith giggled, “I like you too, B.”

“Thanks . . . F.”

Faith laughed loudly. “And here I thought you were going to be an uptight bitch when I saw you tonight.”

”Gee, thanks.”

“Okay, here’s Larry’s,” Faith said, stopping abruptly in front of a in the middle of nowhere bar. It looked kind of, well, seedy.

“Here?” Buffy said.

“Yeah, here,” Faith replied.

Willow and Anya looked nervous. They looked like Buffy would look if she were sober. Thankfully though, she wasn’t. She barged into the bar, nearly slamming it open and smiling sloppily and brightly at the attendants who turned and stared at them.

“Hello!” Buffy greeted them and then giggled when Faith snagged her by the arm and brought her to a table, practically shoving her in the booth.

“Sssshhh!” Faith ordered her as Anya and Willow slid primly across from them. “Larry lets me come in here, but you gotta be quiet. Don’t make a lot of noise and keep your nose out of trouble. That way he’ll give us drinks and no one has to know anything. Got it B?”

Buffy nodded solemnly and then grinned. “Rum and Coke.”

“I think you need to slow down, B. How bout a beer?”

Buffy wrinkled her nose, “What are you the drinking police?” she laughed at her joke though no one else did.

“Just saying B, you’ve had a lot to drink tonight. Keep mixing your drinks and you’re going to get sick.”

“You have anymore cigarettes?” Buffy asked suddenly.

Faith smiled, and reached into her pocket – she had magical pockets it seemed – and pulled out her pack of ‘butts’. She took out two and handed one to Buffy along with her lighter. Then, she placed her cigarette in the ash try, still lit, and bounded up and went to the bar to get them drinks. Willow called out that she simply wanted a Coke.

Buffy didn’t cough the way she did with the first two she had. She puffed like a pro this time and watched the whirling smoke curl around her fingers and up to the ceiling.

“So, uh, Buffy, what was William doing tonight?” Willow asked hesitantly when Faith returned with drinks.

Buffy took a drag and leaned back, imitating Faith’s uber relaxed pose, “He said he was staying in.”

“Who’s William?” Faith asked and took a drag off her cigarette.

“My boyfriend. I think.” Buffy furrowed her brow.

“You think? You don’t know?”

“Well, we’re on a break.”

Faith snorted. “Let me guess, he put you guys on the break.”

“No, I did.”

“Impressive B. Why?”

Buffy shook her head, “I don’t really want to talk about that right now.” In fact, she knew she didn’t. She didn’t want to think about William too much because honestly, she missed him a great deal. But this was girl’s night, and thought of William were banned.

“Tell me. You know I’ll just drag it out of Willow if you don’t share. She caves like nothing. Come on.”

Buffy sighed heavily. “Okay. He . . . he overwhelms me.”

Faith blinked, “How so?”

“He loves me.”

Faith laughed. “Love?” she balked. “That crap don’t exist. How long he have to say it before you believed it enough to sleep with him?”

Buffy shook her head, which she decided was not good as it made her head spin. “It’s not like that. William –“

“Pansy ass name,” Faith scoffed.

Buffy gave her a look, “It is not a pansy ass name!”

Faith chuckled, “Relax, B. So, it’s ‘not like that’ huh? So he didn’t try to nail you right away?”

“We nailed each other.”

”How’d you meet him?”

“Work.”

”Impressive again. Where you work?”

“A law firm.”

Faith’s eyes bugged, “Is he an attorney?”

Buffy nodded glumly, afraid of how Faith was going to run with this.

“You’ve been fucking an attorney ? You do know they get paid to basically lie right?”

“He must give fantastic orgasms,” Anya commented approvingly.

Buffy was starting to get annoyed and her tone reflected it when she retorted, “William is not like that. He is damn good attorney. He’s smart and funny and—“

“Oh Jesus,” Faith held up her hand. “Stop right there before I throw up.”

“You’re feeling sick?” Buffy asked worriedly, fearing Faith would throw up all over her.

“From hearing you describe your less than perfect sort of boyfriend, yes.”

“He’s not less than perfect. He’s . . . perfect,” Buffy said, her eyebrows knitting in thought. “Well, I mean, no one is perfect. But people are perfect for each other, and he’s perfect for me.”

“And you’re on a break then because--?”

“I told you. He overwhelms me. He wants so much from me—“

”Like?”

“Forever.”

Faith laughed again. “He told you that? Damn. How old is he?”

“Thirty-five.”

“He’s old.”

“He most certainly is not old,” Buffy said, adamantly. “He’s mature and complex and sweet –“

“And you’re making me sick again.”

Buffy stared at her for a long time, studying her.

“Take a picture, B, it’ll last longer.”

“Were you hurt badly?” Buffy asked finally.

Faith stared at her. “What?”

“To think love doesn’t exist. Were you hurt badly? What was it like then? To be in love I mean.”

Faith glared at her. “Love doesn’t exist.”

“It must or you wouldn’t be so negative about it. You were hurt, weren’t you?”

“Shut the fuck up B.”

“Did it hurt the whole time?”

Faith leaned forward, “I said shut up” she said menacingly.

Buffy held up her hands in surrender and sat back, pondering that interesting turn of events. Love had left Faith Evans jaded. It was the only thing the girl had shown emotion about all night. Unless it counted when Buffy had accidentally spilt her drink and Faith had shouted, “That’s alcohol abuse!” and snatched the drink from her. But Buffy didn’t think that counted.

A few sips into her beer, Buffy started feeling funny. Nauseous funny. Room spinning funny. She managed to lunge to her feet and rush outside before puking what felt like her insides out.

”Whoa,” Anya said. “That was gross.”

“Jesus B, you don’t know how to handle your man or your liquor huh?”

And that’s when Buffy started to cry for no apparent reason. Well, no good reason that she could think of anyway except she hated to throw up and hated the way Faith picked on her and William.

“I think the night is now officially over on that extremely gross note,” Willow murmured. “Let’s take the T back to my car,” she said eagerly, seeming very happy that the night was done.

Buffy shook her head and wiped at her face, “I’m calling William.”

“What the hell B? You can’t handle things so you call your geezer boyfriend to make it all better? What happened to self preservation?” Faith mocked her.

Buffy looked at her, angry now. “You don’t know anything about us!”

“Honestly, Faith, why don’t you learn to shut your mouth?” Anya snapped at her cousin.

“She’s hopeless,” Faith said, gesturing at Buffy. “She’s a mess.”

“Shut up!” Buffy screamed at her. “Just because your boyfriend was a fuck up doesn’t mean William is!”

Faith hauled off then and smacked Buffy across the face, scratching her across her cheek with her extremely long nails in the process.

That did it. Buffy snapped and smacked her back. Faith lunged and Anya got in the middle of them while Willow took Buffy’s arm, leading her away.

“Call William,” Willow urged. “I have to take them home. You call William, okay?”

Buffy nodded, feeling close to tears again and fumbled for her phone in her purse and dialed William quickly.

“Hello?”

“W-Will?”

“Buffy?”

“Yeah, it’s me,” she said, her voice wobbly.

“Buffy, what’s wrong? What’s going on? Are you all right?”

“Do you know where Larry’s is?”

The bar?”

“Yeah. . . “

”What the bleeding hell—“ she heard him take a sharp intake of breath. “I’m on my way. Are you alone?”

“No, I’m with Willow, Anya and Faith.”

“What the fuck is going on?”

“William, please just come and get me.”

“I’m on my way. Don’t move and don’t you dare go in that bar, you hear me?”

“Too late for that.”

”Buffy—I’m coming.”

“Okay,” she said weakly and looked over at Willow. “He’s gonna kill me.”


He made it within ten minutes. Willow noted that fact. She seemed impressed.

He jerked the car onto the side of the road and bounded out of his car, heading straight to Buffy who was sitting against the wall Indian style with her head in her hands.

”Buffy, baby, look at me.”

She looked up and saw her William, her savior and started to bawl. He brought her in the circle of his arms and ran his fingers through her hair. “Ssshhhh. It’s okay. What happened baby?”

“I got sick!” she wailed.

“Damn B, he’s hot.”

“And I hate Faith now,” Buffy whimpered.

Getting to his feet, William pulled Buffy up with him. “Look at me, pet.”

Buffy looked up at him, with makeup smudged and mascara running down her face.

“Buffy, what happened to your face?” he asked, tracing the scratch across her cheek delicately.

“Faith hit me,” she told him.

William turned and looked at her friends sternly. “Which one is Willow?”

Willow tentatively raised her hand. “I am. Hi.”

“Are you all drunk?”

Willow shook her head, eyes wide with fear. “No, sir—I mean, William. We’re not. Well, I’m not and Anya—“ Willow pointed at Anya who gulped. “Isn’t. Her cousin Faith is.”

William’s eyes fell on Faith and his eyes were steel. “You hit Buffy?”

“Bitch had it coming,” Faith told him, puffing up her chest and holding her head high.

William’s jaw was clenching and unclenching and Buffy reached out to touch it. His head snapped to her and she jumped. Slowly he looked to Willow. “Do you need a ride to your car?”

“No, sir. The T is right down this street.”

”Willow, you don’t have to call him sir. He’s just William,” Buffy told her as if she were telling Willow she was silly.

“I’m going to go ahead and give you all a ride since it’s late, okay?” William said, his tone rough.

Willow and Anya nodded.

“Dude I can walk,” Faith scoffed.

“Get in the damn car,” William nearly barked at her.

Faith rolled her eyes and followed the girls into the car. William tugged on Buffy’s arm and helped her in, making sure she was buckled.

The car ride was silent and Buffy used the time to concentrate on not puking. Not an easy feat since William seemed keen on going as fast as possible and taking sharp turns. Willow gave him directions and when they arrived at the parking lot, the three girls practically fell out of the car to get out.

“Th-thank you William,” Willow stuttered.

“You’re welcome Willow,” he said and nodded briskly.

He waited until they were safely in the car and it had turned on before pulling out and heading home.

“Are you mad at me?” Buffy asked weakly, rolling her head to the side on the head rest to look at him.

He looked at her briefly. “No, just . . . You had me worried kitten. You didn’t sound like you and I thought something bad had happened or could happen.”

“I’m okay,” Buffy assured him and closed her eyes.

“Do you feel like you’re going to throw up again?”

“Not yet. I’ll let you know.”

They arrived quickly at his penthouse and he helped her out of the car into the elevator. She sagged in his arms on the ride up, just wanting to hold onto him to keep the world from spinning. Funny, that, she thought, but then the thought escaped her.

Once inside his penthouse, he stripped them down and put them in the shower where he proceeded to wash her – very business like – and then dried her off. She was tired, exhausted really. She let him move her anyway he needed to and didn’t once complain. While she brushed her teeth with a spare tooth brush, he got her a large glass of water and aspirin and made her drink it all down. She did so, dutifully and he slipped one of his black t shirts on her and carried her to bed.

Once in bed, she snuggled up to him. “Thank you,” she murmured her eyelids dropping closed.

“We’ll talk tomorrow,” he told her, a promise in his voice.

“I know.”

“I love you Buffy.”

“I know,” she told him. “I know you do William.”
 

Chapter 29:

Buffy didn’t know what time it was; only that it was dark. In fact, she was sure she was still a little drunk. And thirty. Oh so thirsty. Stumbling out of bed, and trying not to wake William, she managed to make it to the hall. The room was tilting a bit due to her slight drunkenness and exhaustion. She just needed about oh, a gallon of water and she’d be good.

“Buffy? What are you doing?”

She stopped and turned to see William standing in the hall, shirtless, with his hair spiked from sleep. He was rubbing his eyes.

“You’re so cute, William,” she told him.

He stopped rubbing his eyes and dropped his hands. “You still drunk?”

“I think so, why?”

He shook his head. “What are you doing?”

“I need water.”

“Thirsty huh?”

“I feel like I’ve been chewing on sawdust.”

“That’s what happens when you drink an entire bar.”

She giggled at that, “Most of the bar was in Faith’s jacket.”

“Dare I ask?”

“You can. Over water,” and she started back down the hall. William followed close behind.

“I’ll get you some ice water,” he told her once they entered the kitchen. “How’s the head?”

“Okay,” she mumbled and yawned and jumped up on the counter, perching next to the sink and watching William move about.

“Will?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you really not mad at me or were you just humoring me because I was drunk?”

He looked at her as he plopped ice cubes in her tall glass of water, frowning slightly, “You’re still a little drunk. Do you really want to have this conversation now?”

She shrugged, “Just tell me. Are you?”

“I’m . . . concerned.”

“Why?” she asked, cocking her head to the side.

“Are you kidding? Buffy, you called me from outside a bar – bar that you are not old enough to be in, but had been in and you were crying and drunk . . . How was I not supposed to be worried? Not to mention you had a scratch mark – which you still have—across your face from that bitch Faith and it appeared that you’d been walking all over Boston going into other bars you weren’t supposed to be going into and you got sick.”

“And I smoked,” she added.

He handed her the glass and looked at her sternly, “And you smoked.”

She shrugged,” You smoke,” she pointed out. She guzzled the cool liquid down quickly. And wanted more. William took the glass and filled it back up, handing it back to her.

“If this is what you consider a break from me, then I have to tell you, I’m not liking it.”

After that glass was done, she set it down and considered him. “I did have fun until the end there.”

His eyes bugged, “You had fun? You were doing something very illegal and dangerous Buffy.”

“Yeah, but . . . I felt free. For once, I didn’t worry about the rules and the proper way to conduct myself—“

“Because you were drunk!” he exclaimed. “Of course all your inhibitions were gone!”

“Will, the point was to go out and have a girl’s night. I didn’t know when it started that’d it end the way it did. I probably won’t do it again like that—“

“You better not!”

She scowled at him, “You’re not my father.”

“No, but I’m your boyfriend still, right?”

She averted her eyes and nodded.

“And as your boyfriend, I want to keep you safe and here with me. God, Buffy, don’t you know the kind of trouble you could have gotten into if some fuck head decided he wanted to mess with you?” He stood before her, spreading her knees so he could stand between her legs. Reaching out, he pushed her hair back and gazed at her, a pained expression on his beautiful face. “I don’t want anything to happen to you, kitten.” He traced the scratch mark with his finger, “What if you got more than that?”

“I didn’t.”

“You could have.”

“But I didn’t. I just said I’m not going to do that again, but . . . isn’t that all part of the journey here Will? You told me about all the stupid things you did when you were my age—and younger. I’ve never done stupid things. Unless you count cheerleading. I’m twenty years old, you think this is bad? Wait until I turn twenty one!”

“You want to drink? Fine, then at least do it in a safe environment. With me.”

Buffy rolled her eyes, “I’m not going to do that again. Not to say I won’t go to a party or get shit faced again–“

“Were you trying to make me feel better?” he asked sarcastically.

“No, I’m not. I’m telling you how it is Spike. I’m telling you that going out tonight was fun up until Larry’s. I’m telling you that yeah, I realize it was stupid and I probably wouldn’t have done that had I been sober, but I did it nonetheless and here I am. Alive and safe. And you did stupid things when you were my age and you can look back on them now and say ‘Wow, that was dumb and maybe a little dangerous’, but at least you did them. I want to live a little, act my age for Christ’s sake. I don’t want to be locked up in some ivory tower because you’re worried.”

His jaw was clenching and unclenching again and Buffy knew that wasn’t a good sign. Just like that all the fight left her and she felt completely drained. She slid from the counter and took his hand in hers. “Will, I don’t want to argue anymore. Doesn’t it mean something that I came to you?”

He snorted, “You just didn’t want to have to call Mommy and Daddy to come get you.”

”I didn’t even think of them Will. I puked and wanted you.”

“I’m not really sure how to take that . . . “

She wrinkled her nose, “That did sound funny. I do know that when Faith was ragging on you and our relationship I defended you. I defended us.”

“Is there an us, Buffy?” he asked softly.

“Yes, there is.”

“How much? Just enough to give you your freedom and let you come in and out of my life?”

“No, that’s not how it is—“

”Because I love you Buffy, so much. And I don’t want just pieces of you when you decide you want me or need me.”

”You have more than pieces,” she said softly, “I think you have more than you realize. More than I realize if that makes any sense.”

He sighed and raked a hand through his hair. “What was Faith saying about us? About me?”

Buffy wrinkled her nose at the memory. “She called you old. She said you were just saying you loved me to get me in bed.”

He scowled, “I really don’t like her.”

“I didn’t listen though. I told her she didn’t know anything about us and that you were a wonderful man.”

“But you don’t love me.”

“Will—“

He held up a hand. “Don’t say it. Don’t give me the song and dance, I’ve heard it all before.”

“You were okay with this the other night,” she said quietly, looking down. “I don’t know what to do. Do you want to break up?”

“No,” he said roughly and pulled her into his arms. “No, I don’t . . . Buffy, I couldn’t . . . “

“I don’t want to hurt you, William. And I am and –“

He shut her up by kissing her fervently. He rested his forehead against hers, panting slightly. “It’d hurt more to leave you, Buffy. I can’t do that. It’s not something I’m capable of.”

“Then what do we do? How do we make this work?”

“We’ll find a way. I promise we will. Look, it’s early and we’re both tired, you’re still a little drunk—“

”I think I sobered up somewhere in there.”

He smiled, “Nonetheless. We’ll go to bed, get some rest and sleep on it okay?”

She nodded, “Okay.”

Leading her back to bed, they lay together in the dark, and he wrapped his arms around her and held her, stroking her back.

“Will?” she whispered, starting to nod off again.

“Yes, baby?”

“I do need you.”

“That’s something then isn’t it?”

“Yes, I do believe it is.”
 

Chapter 30:

Buffy woke slowly, feeling incredibly thirsty again if that were possible. Her eyes snapped open and she spied a large glass of ice water right next to her. She smiled, thoughtful William. Sitting up she grabbed the glass and proceeded to guzzle it when she inhaled the scent of bacon and sausage. Her stomach growled in response and she set the glass down to climb out of bed. Taking the glass with her, she drank it as she padded down the hall and to the kitchen. She had just finished the glass when she entered the kitchen and found William in front of the stove, making scrambled eggs, bacon and sausage. The toast popped out of the toaster. And toast, he was also making toast.

“Morning luv,” he said, not turning around.

She smiled at his back, “Morning.”

“Did I wake you?”

“Nope. Thank you for the water.”

“Figured you’d be thirsty again.”

“It’s amazing; I never thought I’d want water so much. It smells good in here.”

“Thanks. Also figured you’d be hungry. I always want a big breakfast after drinking a lot the night before.”

“Mmm. . . me too. Can I do anything?”

He tossed her a look over his shoulder, “You’ve been drunk before?”

She rolled her eyes, “Well, of course I have been. College parties. . . high school.”

“Bloody hell, Buffy, I didn’t know that.”

She shrugged and went to the toaster and took out the warm toast and placing them on the counter. Opening up a cabinet she found the butter and grabbed a knife in the drawer and started to slather the toast. “You want jelly?” she asked absently and looked over at him. He was smiling at her in an odd sort of way. “What?” she asked.

“You, just helping me make breakfast, knowing where everything is.”

She felt the heat rush to her cheeks, “Well, I have been here a time or two. You learn things.”

He nodded, but said nothing and she had that distinct feeling that he wanted to say something, but was holding back. Again.

“What is it?” she asked.

“What?” he asked, staring down at the frying pan.

“You were thinking something just then, weren’t you?”

He shook his head, “Nope.”

“Liar.”

He chuckled. “Well, yeah. Got me there.”

“Was it one of those thoughts that would overwhelm me?”

“Yes, exactly that.”

She nodded slowly and stuck her finger in her mouth to suck off the butter. “Okay,” she said simply.

“And yes, I’d like jelly. Grape, please.”

”Coming right up,” she murmured and went to the fridge to grab it off the door. As she slathered the jelly on the toast and put two more slices of bread in she said, “I’m sorry that you have to hold back.”

He looked up at her, “It’s okay.”

”But it’s really not though, is it? You hate it.”

“I hate scaring you more.”

“I hate that you have to hold yourself back because I’m chicken shit.”

“Is it that you’re chicken shit or that you just don’t want to feel guilty by not being able to say it back?”

That gave her food for thought. “I didn’t think of it that way,” she told him honestly.

He shrugged, “Just giving another perspective.”

“You know I do –“

“Care for me? Yeah, I know. The question is how much? Am I the neutered boyfriend who gets to see you when the mood strikes and you have need of me—like last night—“

“Last night was . . . last night was me not needing you because the mood struck or because I needed you to bail me out, William. Last night was about me needing you because I trust you and I wanted to see you. After all that shit that Faith was saying about us, about you, I just . . . I just got so upset with her for saying those things—“

”Did they strike a cord, Buffy? Do you think of me as an old geezer? Do you think I tell you I love you to keep you in my bed?”

“If I thought that, then you’d have bailed by now wouldn’t you have? I mean I did say we weren’t going to have sex for a while –“

”Ah yes. Another rule made. By you,” he said as he scooped the eggs onto their plates.

“You want to make some?”

“Will you let me?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know what your rules consist of.”

“So you have the power to veto but I don’t?”

“This is turning out to be a fantastic morning, I’m so glad I called you last night. Remind to not do that again,” she said sarcastically, angrily grabbing the toast out of the toaster and stabbing the butter with the knife aggressively.

After scooping out the sausage and bacon, William slammed the pan in the sink with a loud clatter that echoed in the room. Buffy jumped and looked up at him, knife in hand.

“I’m trying to be understanding here Buffy, but goddammit, I just feel like some puppet on a string here. You get to tell me when I can see you, you get to tell me when I can make love to you, you get to tell me when you feel comfortable enough to let me love you – do you know how frustrating this is for me? All I want to do is love you—“

“And I want you to love me, I’m just not ready for what it all means! God, William, you know . . . this is hard for me too. I feel things for you, so many things –“

”Then why can’t you fucking tell me any of them?” he exclaimed. “You’re leaving me here in limbo. I woke up this morning with you in my arms Buffy but I knew that you weren’t really . . . there.”

“Last night you said we’d figure out a way to make this work. What happened?”

He raked a hand through his hair in frustration. “I don’t know . . . it’s just so bloody hard. You’re right in front of me and I can’t touch you. And I’m not talking about sex here, Buffy so don’t start thinking that Faith is right. She’s bloody not. You’re right there,” he gestured to her, “in front of me and I feel like I can’t touch you. Like there’s this wall between us that I can’t penetrate. This wall that you put there. I’m watching what I say and what I do when all I really want to do is take you in my arms and be allowed to love you. But I hold back. So I don’t frighten you, but I don’t know what is too much or too little anymore. What I think is little is big for you, what I think is too much, is just right. I’m walking on egg shells here, Buffy and I woke up with the thought in my head this morning that as soon as you could, you’d scamper off to put more distance between us because of this little break you’ve got us on!”

She stared at him, open mouthed. “Wow.”

He shook his head. “I didn’t plan to unload like this,” he said quietly. “I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m glad you did. You needed to get it off your chest apparently,” she said, swallowing hard. “Do you feel better?”

“You’d think I would,” he said with a humorless chuckle. He looked at her helplessly, “I just don’t know what to do Buffy.”

She went to him and flung her arms around him, holding onto him tight. “I’m sorry, William. I am so sorry. I wish I could just say . . . everything. I’m frustrated too because I want to, but I want to be absolutely sure. I don’t want to lie to you or lead you on in any way and I feel like I have—“

“No, you haven’t led me on, Buffy. You’ve been honest with me. I’ve known for a while that you’ve felt uncertain. I was just hoping it’d go away.”

“So was I,” she murmured.

He pulled away and gazed at her imploringly. “What have been your best times with me, Buffy?”

She blinked, “What do you mean?”

“What sorts of things have you enjoyed the most?”

“Talking with you,” she said honestly. “Not that I haven’t enjoyed – uh, certain other activities,” she said, blushing, “But I love talking with you William. Learning about you. I love going to a bookstore with you and sitting in the aisle with a book and picking it apart. I love when you tell me stories about the things you’ve done—“

”Yeah,” he said dryly, “I don’t know if I like that so much. You get ideas from my stories.”

She gave him a look.

He took a deep breath and stood straighter. “Then that’s what we’ll do.”

She looked at him in question.

“We’ll talk. We’ll go out and do things and talk.”

”Essentially, we’ll date.”

”Right. With no sex. That means no coming back here because honestly Buffy, having you here is just too much temptation. We’ll go out and do those things. You love learning about me, and I love learning about you, so that’s what we’ll do. And we’ll do it right. I’ll ask you in advance and not just assume you’ll clear your schedule for me and vice versa.”

She raised a brow, “No other women right?”

Now he gave her a look. “Are you serious?”

“Just checking. Cause no other men for me.”

“Better bloody not be any other men,” he growled.

She shook her head, “Nope.”

”So, Buffy, can I take you out on Friday night for a movie?”

She smiled at him, at how cute he was and how relieved she felt that this, this felt right. “Yes. You may.”

”Are you sure you don’t have other plans?”

She rolled her eyes, “I don’t. I think you might have frightened Willow off from ever asking me out again.”

William laughed, “I didn’t mind Willow. Or Anya for that matter. It was the Faith bird I could have done without.”

”Don’t worry; I can do without her too.”

“So, a date? No nights spent here, no making love. Just dates.”

She nodded enthusiastically. “Yes. I think it sounds perfect William. Don’t you?”

He smiled weakly, “It’s a start.”
 

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