Chapter One



Buffy glanced at the clock as she rolled the small, squishy ball back to her nephew Nate. Okay, Faith had said she was just running to the store to grab something for dinner and she’d be right back. That was over an hour ago. The grocery store was only fifteen minutes away; surely it hadn’t taken her this long. Then again, one never knew with Faith. The girl probably ran into someone she knew. She seemed to know everyone. Especially if they were male.

“Come on Nate, Auntie Buffy is going to call Mama,” Buffy said gently as she picked up Nate.

He pointed at the ball rolling across the floor. “Ball,” he said in his tiny one-year-old voice.

Buffy smiled broadly, “yes, that’s right, ball. Let’s call Mama. Can you say Mama?”

“Mama.”

Buffy giggled, “good boy!” She pressed a kiss to her nephew’s forehead. Loving Nate was probably the only thing she and her sister had in common. How to take care of him…well, that was a different matter entirely.

Faith still wanted to live her life, and believed there was no reason why she couldn’t. Which, Buffy was all on board for Faith having her own life. She was not, however, on board for the revolving door of boyfriends her sister had going on. Nate did not need to grow up like that. He needed stability, not the instability of waking up every morning seeing a different man with his mama. And so, Buffy often took it upon herself to take Nate as much as she could in between her waitressing job and night classes.

However, Buffy had learned early on not to lecture her sister on the matter. It only angered Faith and the woman tended to use Nate as her pawn to keep Buffy quiet. If Buffy spoke up, she would threaten to keep Nate from her. Buffy couldn’t have that. Not at all. Nate and Faith were the only family she had. They needed each other. Faith claimed not to need anyone, but Buffy figured that was just an act.

Quickly dialing Faith’s cell, Buffy rolled her eyes when the answering machine picked up. Figures. If it had been one of her boyfriends, Faith was sure to have answered.

“Faith, it’s your sister. Where are you? It’s been over an hour now and I’m wondering what’s taking so long. I have a class in an hour and I need to go home to grab my books. Hurry up.”

Buffy hung up on a sigh and looked at Nate who was pointing back at the ball across the room. Buffy grinned and set him down and Nate toddled to it. He picked it up and threw it at Buffy, hard as he could. Buffy winced as it made contact with her calf.

“You’re going to be a major leaguer with that arm, buddy,” Buffy told him as she lightly tossed the ball back. Her cell ringing caught her attention and she picked it up as she ducked from Nate’s throw.

“Hello?”

“Buffy, where the hell are you?”

“Hi, Spike, how are you? I’m good thanks,” Buffy smiled into the phone and watched Nate become preoccupied with another toy.

“You’re supposed to be here right now. You know, doing your job.”

“Negative. Cordelia asked if she could work instead. She needs the extra money this month for her headshots or something. I told her she could have my hours for today. Is she there?”

“Yes.”

“For crying out loud, Spike. Then what’s the issue? You have your waitressing staff all in line, what’s the big?”

“I hate working with her. She whines too much.”

“You’ll deal. You hired her, remember?”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Only because I took pity on her. She seemed so innocent then. Not sure what happened since then.”

“She got the job, that’s what happened. Is it busy?”

Spike sighed, “no.”

“Maybe I’ll stop by after class.”
“Do that. Where are you?”

“Faith’s.”
“Oh? And how is the man-eater?”

Buffy sighed, “not here. She said she was going to get something for dinner and isn’t back yet.”

“Watching Nate then, aren’t you?”

“You make it sound bad,” Buffy said indignantly.

“Not bad, Buffy,” Spike sighed. “Don’t like how she takes advantage of you. You’re too nice.”
“What am I supposed to do? Say no? He’s my nephew and I love him.”

“I know you do. You’re a sight better for him than she is.”

“Spike, that is his mother you’re talking about and my sister,” Buffy admonished him sternly.

“I’m sorry Buffy, I just don’t like seeing your kindness being abused. She knows how much you dote on that kid—“

“’Kid’ has a name.”

“Just a figure of speech, Buffy.”

“Well, listen, I have to go. Nate just wandered into the next room.”

“Okay, pet. Come see me later, all right?”

“I’ll try, bye.”

“Nate…come back here,” Buffy ran into the kitchen and picked Nate up from behind, tossing him lightly in the air and making him giggle just as a two police cars pulled into the driveway. “Uh-oh,” Buffy murmured, clutching Nate close to her. “What has your mother done now?”

Buffy opened the door to see a male and female police officer looking very grim, coming up the walkway. She opened the door, balancing Nate on her hip. “Hi, can I help you?”
The two looked at each other and then back to Buffy and Nate. “Are you Buffy?”

“Yes, I am. What is this in reference to?”

“There’s been an accident, Miss Summers. Your sister is dead.”

“Excuse me? What? My sister is not dead. She went to the store. She’s going to be right back. She’s just late is all—“
“Miss Summers, your sister was in a car accident. She wasn’t…she wasn’t at the store. Do you know Warren Meers?”

Buffy was in a daze. Car accident? Faith was dead? What were they asking her now? “What? Who?”

“I think you need to sit, Miss Summers, you’re wobbling a bit,” the policeman told her and held out his arm to steady her.

“Take the child,” the woman told him quietly.

When he started to reach for Nate, Buffy screamed “don’t fucking touch my nephew!”

Both officers stopped and stared at the shocked, grief-stricken woman before them. She was turning deadly pale and she had a wild look in her eye as she clutched her now crying nephew to her.

“Miss Summers—“
“What happened? Where is she? What did she do?” Buffy demanded.

“She was with who we believe was her boyfriend, Warren Meers. They were seen leaving his apartment together. No one knew where they were headed, but she was driving. They blew through a stop sign and were hit by a mack truck. She’s gone Miss Summers.”

Buffy was shaking her head, “no, no, no. She’s not gone. She’s at the store. At the store. Getting food for Nate. For Nate. Her son. She’s not…she’s…” Buffy stopped and pushed Nate, who was screaming into the officer’s arms and bounded into the house, heading straight for the bathroom. Standing over the toilet, Buffy heaved. The tears started to drop them, buckets of them blinding her sight, causing everything to blur. She was dreaming. She had to be dreaming. Once the tears stopped, once they cleared, she’d be able to see again. She’d awaken and see that it was all a dream. Wake up, Buffy. She sank to the floor and wrapped her arms around herself, shutting her eyes tightly, digging her nails into her skin. She started to rock slightly back and forth. Wake up, wake up, wake up. She drew in an unsteady breath and cracked her eyes open. She could see. So, she had to be awake now, right? She’d go back out and see Faith outside playing with Nate, she’d tell her to watch him so she could put the groceries away. Yes, that’s what she’d see. On now confident legs, Buffy stood and flushed the toilet. She smoothed her clothes and went to the sink. She splashed some cold water on her face, ran a brush through her hair and put some toothpaste on her finger, brushing her teeth with it. Once she was done, she walked back outside. She froze.

She wasn’t awake yet.
 

Chapter Two


William “Spike” Giles sat at his desk in his office with his head on the desk. God, Cordelia’s constant prattling about how she hated working afternoons with the dirty old men, how she was above waitressing, and how she was going to make it one day was enough to make his head explode. She’s given him a headache of the migraine kind. Buffy was going to pay for this. The phone ringing made him wince and he reached for it quickly.

“’Ello?”

“William Giles?”

“Yeah?”

“This is Officer Finn. Do you know Buffy Summers?”

Spike snapped to attention, sitting ramrod straight. “Yeah, is she all right? Is there something wrong? Where is she?”

“She’s here at her sister’s home, Mr. Giles.”
“Get to the point, Officer. Is she all right?” Spike was nearly shouting into the phone. The thought of something happening to Buffy made his heart clench. “Is the little boy all right?”

“He’s fine, sir. Miss Summers is…she’s very upset right now, Mr. Giles. She has requested to see you.”

“Fucking tell me what’s happened for fuck’s sake!”

“Her sister, Mr. Giles. Her sister is dead and she’s just found out.”

“I’m on my way,” Spike put the phone down, in a daze and rushed out of the room. Stepping into the dark, smoky bar room, Spike searched around for Cordelia. When he spotted her, he pulled her by her arm and led her behind the bar.

“Get your hands off me, you’re going to give every dirty—“

“Shut up Cordelia,” he snapped.

Her eyes widened. “You can’t talk to me like that, I don’t care if you are my boss!”

“Listen to me or you’re out of a job. I have to go see Buffy, you have to hold down the fort. If there’s a problem, call Gunn.”

Cordelia rolled her eyes. “Buffy again? I swear Spike, you run after her more than you do your own girlfriend.”
“Buffy’s sister just died you twit. She needs me.”

Cordelia’s eyes widened and she took a step back, gathering herself. “Tell her…tell her I’m sorry.”

Spike nodded curtly and marched out the bar.







Spike and Buffy had been best friends since high school. Spike had been what most of his peers considered a nerd and Buffy had been the most popular girl at school. But, not the kind of popular like Cordelia had been—the queen bee of high school that only socialized with jocks and stuck up rich bitches. No, Buffy had been friends with everyone. She mingled with everyone from the chess club to the pep squad. She was part of the welcoming committee at Sunnydale High School and she was the first friendly face that Spike, then just William, had laid eyes on. She took him under her wing; introducing him to everyone they came in contact with—even the Cordelia Chases. The fact that she deemed him worthy enough to be friends with the likes of Cordelia and the jocks, and didn’t understand why anyone wouldn’t want to be friends with him, had secured a spot for Buffy in his heart. She’d even helped him change his look from the mousy brown, long-locked William with glasses that were constantly falling down his nose to short-haired, bleached blond, leather duster wearing bad ass Spike. She’d given him the name when they’d gone shopping for the proper accessories and he’d chosen a bracelet with spikes on it. She’d approved until he’d painfully sat down on said bracelet. She’d dubbed him Spike from then on, despite how the bracelet had ended up in the trash.

They had lost touch for a while when Spike had caught the eye of Drusilla, the rumored to be crazy, goth girl who carried dolls to her classes and spoke to them as if they were real people. Drusilla had consumed Spike, and even though he still considered Buffy his best friend, Dru had a way of taking over a person’s life. Spike had soon learned that it wasn’t just a rumor that Dru was crazy: She really was. She had gotten herself locked up in the middle of senior year for, having had a mental breakdown that caused her to cut herself—the stars had told her to do it. Buffy had been there the whole time for him. Then, when Buffy’s mother died shortly thereafter due to an aneurysm, Spike had been there for her.

Since then, they’d pretty much been inseparable. Spike had taken over his father’s restaurant/bar, The Watering Hole, and hired Buffy when she found herself unable to pay for college without the aid of her mother. Buffy took classes in between working at The Watering Hole. She had yet to declare a major, having been there for almost two years now. And, when she had the free time, she took care of Nate and Faith.

Faith. Crazy in her own right. She had gone off the deep end when their mother had died. While Buffy had been even more persistent at being responsible, Faith had gone to the wild side. During that time, she’d started hanging out with Spike’s crowd—or rather, Drusilla’s wild crowd. Spike hadn’t wanted anything to do with her and told her time and again not to do Buffy wrong. Faith had repeatedly told him to ‘fuck off’. He wasn’t at all surprised to learn that she’d gotten pregnant and didn’t know who the father was. Of course Buffy had been there to help her wayward sister out, despite how Faith used and abused her. Buffy always tried to see the good in people though, that’s what made her so special.

Now she needed him and he wasn’t going to let her down.

Pulling into the driveway, Spike noted that the cops were still there. He strolled up to the door and was about to knock when he heard Nate crying. He pushed the door open and found Buffy sitting on the couch with Nate in her lap, hugging him to her as he cried and sucked on his binky. Buffy was stroking his back and saying ‘ssshhh” over and over with a far-gone look in her eyes. Spike knew that look. She was retreating inside herself to a place where no one could reach her. That wouldn’t do for Nate and Spike knew Buffy wouldn’t want that for him. The police officers were trying to talk to her about what, he didn’t know.

“Leave her alone,” Spike growled at them. They looked up, wide-eyed at him.

“You must be Mr. Giles,” The man, who must have been Officer Finn stated as he stood and held out his hand.

“Listen, do you need to badger her about whatever you’re badgering her about right now? Do you see her? She’s not there right now. Leave a message and she’ll get back to you.”

“We’ll need her to identify the body—“

“And she’ll do that, White bread. But not. Right. Now.”

The woman cop tugged on Finn’s arm and started to lead him toward the door. “I’m sorry, Mr. Giles. You’re right; this can wait. Thank you for coming on such short notice. If you or Miss Summers have any questions, feel free to call me. Just ask for Fred.”

Spike nodded, “thanks, Fred.”

Turning to Buffy, Spike noticed that Nate was exhausted. He had dark circles under his hazel eyes and he kept rubbing at them.

“Buffy, it’s Spike. I’m going to put Nate down for a nap, all right luv?”

Buffy nodded absently and Spike tried to lift Nate out of her arms. She held on.

“Buffy, baby, it’s Spike. Let the tot go, I’ve got him.”

Buffy slowly turned her head toward Spike, a blank expression on her face. “Spike?”

“I’m here, luv.”

“I asked for you,” she said blankly.

“I know, pet.” Spike was having a hard time keeping himself together. Seeing Buffy like this was enough to drive him over the edge. He felt the sting of his tears prick behind his eyes and he willed them away.

“Can you put Nate down please? He’s tired. He lost his mother today.”

Spike’s eyes were leaking. He wiped at them furiously and he took Nate in his arms, the little boy looking up at him. Spike smiled at the boy, and Nate cuddled into him, resting his little head on his shoulder and yawning through sucks on his bink. Spike carried him to his room and laid him down in his crib, covering him up with a blanket and turning on his monitor. Nate immediately closed his eyes and fell asleep. Poor kid, Spike thought as he made his way back to the living room where Buffy was. She sat there, head tilted to the side, staring off, expressionless.

Spike sat down next to her. “Buffy? You here with me, luv?”

She looked at him and he noticed how tired she looked as well. She turned away again and Spike closed his eyes. Why did this have to happen to her and Nate? Why? All the girl had left to call family was Faith and Nate. Now, just Nate.

“We’re gonna go to bed all right, pet?” He grabbed the monitor on the coffee stand and tucked it in his back pocket.

She didn’t respond, but merely allowed herself to be lifted in Spike’s arms and carried to Faith’s queen-sized bed. He lay her down and she rolled to her side, staring at the wall. Setting down the monitor on the nightstand in order to hear Nate if he awoke, Spike spooned up behind her and lay an arm across her stomach, pulling her against him.

“I’m here, pet. Spike’s here and he’s going to take care of you. You and Nate, okay?” He combed her hair away from her face and neck and rested his chin on her shoulder. “Close your eyes, Buffy. Get some sleep.”

She closed her eyes and Spike watched her for a long time before falling asleep himself.


 

Chapter Three


Spike awoke with a start and immediately reached for Buffy. He reached out for dead air. He bolted up in the bed and then he heard her. He looked toward the monitor and heard her talking to Nate.

“It’s okay, baby. I’m going to take care of you. I love you, you know. More than anything in this world. I’ll never, ever let anything happen to you. You’re the most precious boy…”

Spike swung his legs over the side of the bed and glanced at the clock. They must have slept for at least two hours. Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, Spike padded down to Nate’s room and stood in the doorway watching Buffy rock Nate in her lap.

She looked up to see him. “He just woke up.”

Spike entered the room and ran a soothing hand on the back of Nate’s soft, curly light brown hair. He watched as Buffy buried her nose into the boy’s neck and close her eyes. He saw the tears a second later.

“Buffy—“

“Just let me hold him,” she said, trying to keep her voice steady.

Spike nodded and knelt down next to her on one knee. “Do you remember anything I said earlier?”

“Refresh me.”

“I’m going to help, Buffy. I’m going to help take care of you and Nate.”

She lifted her head and shook her head. “No, you don’t have to—“

“I know I don’t have to, but I’m going to.”

She shook her head again. “I don’t need you to.”

“Dammit Buffy, yes you do. You need someone…”

“Why? Because I’m all alone now?” She let out a bitter laugh. “Tell you what kind of help I need. I need someone to watch Nate while I’m working. I’m going to have quit school—“

“Why? No, Buffy, don’t quit school.”

“How the hell am I going to work AND go to school AND do homework? Not possible. Maybe you’ve never been around toddlers before, but I have and they are a lot of work. I just need someone to watch him so I can work.”

“I’m not going to let you quit school Buffy,” Spike told her sternly.

She shot him a glare and stood up with Nate in her arms, his legs wrapped around her middle. “You’re not going to tell me what to do, Spike.”

Spike sighed and ran a hand through his mussed hair. This was not the time to talk to Buffy about all this. They had to get through the moment right now. They had to work through the shock and the first part of grief.

He watched her helplessly as she changed Nate’s diaper and then followed as she carried him to the kitchen and plopped him carefully in his high chair. She moved silently about the kitchen, opening cupboards and the fridge. He could see her getting more and more tense.

“Dammit!” She yelled, her back to Spike and Nate. “She was supposed to be getting food. There’s no food to feed him, she was,” she fell apart then, sobbing. “She was supposed to be getting food.”

Spike rushed to her as she fell to her knees. He knelt down on the floor with her and pulled her into his arms tightly. She held on to him, balling his shirt in her fists as she sobbed.

“Buffy…Buffy…luv….I’m going to help. Will you please let me help? Please, let me help you, Buffy…” He repeated the mantra over and over while Nate watched in fascination.

Finally, Buffy’s sobs subsided and she nodded her consent. “Can you just watch him for a while so I can get some food?”

“I’ll get it—“

“No!” Buffy burst out. “If you go…you might not come back.”

Spike nodded, understanding. She moved away from him, and started to stand. Spike helped her up and grabbed paper towels that were nearby and handed them to her. She wiped her eyes, walked over to Nate and promised him she’d be back.

Spike took Nate out of his highchair and walked with him outside to see Buffy off. She paused for a moment on the steps. Spike knew all the things going on in her head. Would she return as Faith had failed to? And would Faith suddenly appear as if all this was a dream? The moment passed and Buffy trudged ahead, taking a deep breath. Nate was babbling to Spike who smiled gently at the boy. Nate laughed and hid his face for a moment before looking back at him and laughing again. Spike laughed at the boys antics and looked back to see Buffy pulling out of the driveway. She didn’t wave, just smiled weakly. If she waved, it would be like she was saying good-bye to them forever.





The shrill sound of Spike’s cell phone made both Spike and Buffy jump as they ate in silence. Buffy had done enough shopping to last her and Nate for a week, and Spike had taken over making him and Buffy dinner. He had set to work making her spaghetti while she fed Nate jarred green beans and some of the hamburger Spike had cooked up. Nate, slurping on his sippy cup had been the only noise when the phone rang.

“’Ello?”

“Spike Giles, something happens like that and you don’t call me?” Anya. Oh shit.

“Hey babe, sorry.” Spike looked apologetically at Buffy who just nodded and went back to her dinner. Spike stood up, patting Nate’s head affectionately and padded into the living room.

“How is she?” Anya asked.

“She’s…it’s not good, Ahn.”

“How’s Nate?”

“He’s all right. Doesn’t really know what’s going on.”

“I’m coming over—“

“No, Ahn. Don’t do that.”

“Why not?” She sounded highly insulted. Spike rolled his eyes.

“She’s not up to seeing anyone right now.”
“She’s seeing you, isn’t she?”

“I’m different. I’m practically family.”

“I’m dating you. That means I’m practically family too.”

“No, Ahn. I mean it,” Spike said firmly. He caught the sound of Buffy crying and peered into the kitchen. “Oh shit. I gotta go. I’ll call you later and STAY HOME.” He clicked his phone shut and strode into the kitchen. Buffy was hunched over, her hair hanging like a curtain around her as she shook with tears. He looked to Nate who was pointing at the door and saying “Mama.”







“Spike, you don’t have to stay.”

“Shut up, Buffy. I’m staying.”

“Have you always been this bossy?”

“Depends. Have you always been this stubborn?”

She stuck her tongue out at him and then quickly looked over at Nate who was playing with his trucks. “I have to be more careful now,” she explained at Spike’s raised eyebrows. “Have to set an example.”

Spike chuckled and sat down on the floor with the little boy. Nate looked up at him, smiled and then went back to playing.

Buffy sat down next to him and pushed a car to Nate who took it greedily. They sat in silence for a long time, just watching him play.

“I think I’m more mad at her for dying than anything else she’s ever done,” Buffy broke the silence. “I remember how mad at her I was when she got pregnant with Nate and didn’t even know who the dad was. And then I remember instantly forgiving her when I saw Nate for the first time and held him.”

“He is quite the charmer isn’t he? He takes after me.”

Buffy let out a short chuckle, and then sobered. “There’s so much to do.”

“I know, pet, but I’ll be right here to help you.”

“Was Anya mad?”

“Mad about what?”

“That you were here.”

Spike shook his head, “if she can’t understand why I’m here, then I have no business being with her, do I?”

Buffy shrugged, “I guess.”

“What do you mean, you guess?”

“Don’t ask me about what I think about anything right now Spike. I couldn’t even tell you if it were night or day, if I was here right now in this room or if I was living some kind of horrible nightmare. Nothing feels real.”

Spike wrapped an around Buffy’s shoulder and drew her closer. “Well, I can tell you that’s it’s night, you are here right now in this room and I bloody wish it were all a nightmare. I can tell you that you are my best friend Buffy Anne Summers and if anyone objects to it, then they have no business being in my life.”

She looked at him and smiled weakly. “Thanks. Can you just do me one favor though?”

“Sure.”

“Tell me it is a nightmare. Tell me that I’m going to wake up tomorrow and Faith will be here and she’ll be yelling at me for something. Tell me so that I can sleep tonight knowing I have something to look forward to tomorrow.” The tears were rolling freely down Buffy’s cheeks now and Spike felt his own well up. If not because Buffy was crying, then because he couldn’t make her wish come true. He could tell her what she wanted to hear, for now, and he did.

Buffy and Spike gave Nate a bath together and Buffy put him down, telling him a fairy tale with fairies that granted your wishes, lands where nothing ever went wrong, and where the hero and heroine always triumphed. Buffy told Spike that just because she didn’t believe in those things anymore, there was no reason to ruin it for Nate.

“I think you’ll believe in fairy tales again, Buffy Summers,” he promised her as he followed her to the bedroom.

“I don’t think I will William Giles, but thanks anyway.”

Spike laid himself out on the bed, feeling his body sink into the bed. He was wiped.

“What are you doing?” Buffy asked, confusion written all over her face as she stared down at Spike.

He moved his arm off his eyes. “Goin’ to bed. What are you doin’”

“Why are you in the bed?”

“Isn’t this where you plan to sleep?”

Buffy’s eyebrows flew off her head. “You’re not staying in here with me. It was one thing this afternoon when I was comatose. Quite another when I’m…not comatose enough not to know what’s going on. Anya would have my head, Spike. And then yours.”

“Buffy, I don’t want to leave you alone. What if you wake up in the middle of the night crying?”
“Then you can come and see me. I realize I’m vulnerable right now Spike and you of all people know how much I hate that. Not in my nature to lean on others. I appreciate everything you have done for me today because without you here today, I never would have made it. But if I allow myself to lean on you completely, I’ll never stand on my own two feet and do it myself and I have to do it myself.”
Spike angrily climbed out of bed and spun to her. “Bloody Hell Buffy. You talk as if you’re not allowed to fall apart, ever, and if you do then you have to fix that mistake right away before it happens again. You are capable of standing on your own two feet, I’ve seen you do it many, many times when the chips were down. Lean on me tonight if you need to. Use me if you want to. I don’t care Buffy. You just lost Faith today, you are allowed to be a mess, you are allowed to be vulnerable and you are allowed for me to hold you if you need it.”

“Why are you so angry with me?”

“Because you don’t let anyone help you! You have this misguided notion that you can do it all. You can’t Buffy; it’s impossible. I need you, does that make me weak? I needed you when my father remarried and moved back to England. I needed you when Drusilla was sent to the fifth floor of the hospital. Hell, I needed you on my first day at Sunnyhell High. You are always there for everyone else in the world Buffy. You never allow anyone to ever be there for you. Well, you’ve got me Summers whether you want me or not.”

“I’m not asking you to sleep somewhere else just for me, you moron. I’m asking you to do it for Anya as well.”

Spike pursed his lips together and clenched his jaw as they stared each other down. “Fine. I’ll sleep on the couch.”

“Thank you.” She moved to the linen closet and handed him a couple blankets and a pillow. Spike started for the door. “Spike,” she called out, all anger having left her voice.

He stopped and turned, facing the most stubborn woman he’d ever met. “Yeah?”

“Tell me again.”

Spike’s face softened and he nodded, “it’s just a nightmare Buffy. When you wake up tomorrow, Faith will be here.”

She gave him a small, hopeful smile. “And we’ll all live happily ever after?”

Spike nodded sadly, “and we’ll all live happily ever after.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Night Buffy.”

“Night Spike.”
 

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Chapter Four

Spike had been wrong. It hadn’t been in the middle of the night that she woke up and cried, it had been in the morning. When the sun was filtering through the windows and she just knew that the sky was blue and puffy white clouds were scattered across it. It was the kind of day that made her smile.
It only took an instant for the tears to come. As soon as her eyes opened it seemed. She cried as softly as she could into the comforter, and she knew in that instant that there were probably going to be many mornings just like this one for quite a while. She heard Spike moving around down the hall and she quickly wiped away her tears and got up. Nate was still asleep, so she used that moment to quickly shower and dress. She had things to take care of today.
Entering the kitchen she was greeted to the heart-warming sight of Nate in his high chair, apparently having just woken up by the way he was rubbing his eyes, and Spike talking to him about women as he moved about the kitchen in his black boxers getting Nate breakfast.
Buffy smiled when Nate looked her way, pointed at her and started to babble. Buffy walked in and gave him a kiss. “Good morning, pumpkin pie. I hope Uncle Spike isn’t teaching you bad things.”
Spike was smiling when she turned to him. “Just giving him some advice, man to man.”
“Oh? And what would that be?” She asked, folding her arms across her chest.
“It’s man to man,” he winked.
“Anya giving you a hard time? Maybe you should go—“
“Buffy, stop. She just called while you were in the shower. She was just wondering how you were is all. She wants to bake you a pie, make you dinner for a week, start a fundraiser, open a daycare for Nate…she’s just overwhelming.”
“I think it’s sweet,” Buffy cooed at Nate and gave him another kiss.
“Yesterday you were telling me you didn’t want or need my help,” Spike pointed out.
Buffy straightened and walked over to Spike, patting the top of his head and cooed at him. “I still think you’re very sweet.” She giggled when he rolled his eyes.
“What are you making?”
“Pancakes. Want some?”
“Uh, sure. Did I remember to get orange juice?”
“Yep, poured you a glass already, it’s on the table.”
“Mmm… thanks,” she took a long sip and sat down next to Nate’s high chair and watched him as she alternated between playing with the cheerios and cut up grapes on his tray and eating them.
“Sleep okay?” She asked Spike as she stood and set about getting the syrup, butter and silverware for the pancakes.
“Not bad. You?”
“Yeah,” she said absently.
“I heard you this morning,” he told her softly. “By the time I got down to you, you were already in the shower.”
“I should probably visit the pediatrician today while I’m there. Let them know about…so they can put me down as his guardian.”
“Anya is going to come over later so I can go with you.”
Buffy nodded and stood in the middle of the kitchen, concentrating on not losing it. The idea of going to the hospital filled her with dread. Seeing Faith’s body…She closed her eyes and bit down on her bottom lip.
“Buffy,” Spike said softly and moved to her.
“No, don’t,” she said forcefully and walked away from him. If he touched her, she’d crumble and she was trying hard not to do that. Instead, she walked outside to gather herself. She stared down the driveway, sat down on the steps and watched the cars drive by, watched the people walking, biking and roller blading down the street. She heard children laugh in the distance felt the breeze caress her shoulders.
Life was going on around her no matter how much she felt as if her own had come to a standstill since yesterday afternoon. “I miss you Faithy,” Buffy whispered.

Walking down the white hall with the smell of bleach and something she couldn’t define, probably death, Buffy wrapped her arms around herself as Spike wrapped his arms around her. Between the two of them, she thought her protective shied should be firmly in place. Time was going so incredibly slow, she thought she could almost hear the clock on the wall move ever so slowly to the next minute. It seemed to take hours to just put one foot in front of the other and as Officer Finn droned on about something or other, all she heard was the garbled sound of slow motion. The door to the morgue seemed a million miles away. The door that separated death and life.
Officer Finn, along with a few other faces that were all a blur to her except for Spike, walked in with her. And then, there she was, an almost brilliant white sheet covering her small body. She could see her dark tresses spilling over the side. Buffy’s eyes were wide with a mixture of fear and hope. A small glimmer of hope resided in her that this wouldn’t be Faith under that sheet. That it would be someone else, someone who looked like Faith, someone, anyone, anyone, anyone but Faith. Please.
The sheet was drawn down and suddenly everything was in fast forward. She didn’t even hear herself say ‘yes, that’s her’, before the sheet was drawn back up, and Buffy was shuttled out of the room. Buffy looked over her shoulder and murmured a tearful “Faithy,” before she was pulled tight against Spike’s chest as sobs that she didn’t even realize were there, were pouring out of her.
After that, Buffy didn’t remember much.

Spike watched Buffy as she sat with her fast food lunch in her lap, the wrappers all undone with the intent on eating, but not a single thing was touched. Instead Buffy was staring at it. He opened his mouth to say something when—
“Faith will never eat again. She loved Wendy’s. The Frosty’s. When she was a kid, she used to suck so hard on the straw to get it out that her tongue would be sore the next day. I always told her they gave you a spoon for a reason, but she always countered that with a ‘they give you a straw for a reason too’. Which, why do they give you both? I mean, it’s much too thick to suck through a straw unless you wait for it to melt, then it’s all soupy and that’s not any good either. It’s like you need special instructions for a friggen Wendy’s Frosty.”
Spike stared at her, not sure what to say. She’d been quiet since they left the hospital and then since they’d left the police station to gather what little Faith had on her at the time. They had agreed to get something to eat before going to make funeral arrangements and now they sat in an almost empty parking lot.
Suddenly, Buffy, moved with lightening speed, dumping her food back in the back and reaching in back for the brown plastic bag carrying Faith’s contents. Lipstick, wallet, some crumpled cash. Buffy opened the lipstick.
“Fire engine red. God, do guys really like this crap?” She asked him, but Spike wasn’t sure if she really expected an answer. “Do they?” Okay, she did then. Her tone was demanding and angry.
“Well, it looks good to some guys, yes,” he answered slowly and carefully.
“Because it screams tramp right?” She grabbed the wallet and opened it. “Look at this.” She extracted a picture of Nate with force. “Look at that. A picture of her son. Imagine that. Angelic Nate in Faith’s wallet. Which was in her pocket right next to her fire-engine- red, trampy lipstick. I didn’t think she’d even bother to carry a picture of him in here. I mean, wouldn’t that have lessened her chances of scoring—oh, and look at that! Right where her cash should be is a condom. How fucking PERFECT is that?!” Buffy screamed and shot out of the car.
Spike scrambled out of the car. “Let it out, Buffy,” he told her, not going near her. She was going to blow, it was what she needed and he was going to let her do it.
“She has a condom in the same goddamn wallet as her son! If she had thought to use the fucking thing in the first place—“ Buffy covered her eyes with her hands for a moment and then started again. “God, I always hated her. She could just breeze through life and do whatever the hell she wanted and I had to work at everything. Mom would give her money whenever the hell she wanted, but me, I had to work. Because I was the oldest and I had to learn responsibility. Faith was an athlete; Buffy was the lowly cheerleader. Didn’t matter that I was president of student council since freshman year.
I am so angry with her for leaving me! How could she be so goddamn irresponsible? She was supposed to be getting dinner! Instead she, what? Just had to go and see her loser boyfriend for some sex? Where the fucking hell were they even going? She fucking knew I was at the house waiting for her—I CALLED the stupid bitch and told her I had a class, but it didn’t fucking matter to her did it? She was getting what she wanted, her freedom. All those times I tried to tell her she needed to spend more time with Nate, she would hold him over my head like some kind of pawn and tell me that if I lectured ONE MORE TIME on how to raise HER SON, then I would NEVER see him again. Again, she got everything she wanted, all the fucking time! I hate her, I hate her, I hate her! I hate her so much for not being right now. I hate her for being dead, I hate her for leaving me and leaving Nate without a mother. At least he would have had ONE parent in his life. Now, again, I get to clean up the mess that she left. I am ALWAYS picking up her mess and I HATE her for it. I’ll never forgive her for this!” She looked up at the sky and waved her fist, “do you hear me? I hate you. You know what? I hope you’re burning in hell because that’s where you belong. You never deserved someone as wonderful as Nate in your life!”
She fell to her knees, then, crying and rocking back and forth. Spike flew to her side and held her.
“I didn’t mean it, Faithy. You don’t deserve to be in hell. You don’t. I’m sorry Faithy, I love you so much. Why did you have to leave me? Why did you leave Nate? I’m not going to let him forget you, Faithy, I promise. I promise to tell him about you everyday…”
Spike’s own tears fell as he held onto Buffy. For the thousandth time in the past two days, he lamented to himself on how unfair all this was. Buffy was always everyone’s rock, the person everyone went to in a jam, the person that would kiss it and make it better. Spike wanted to kiss it and make it better for her, but he felt helpless. He knew he couldn’t. He didn’t have that much power. He could be there for her, help her, listen to her, hold her while she yelled and cried, help with Nate and support her all he could, but the grief…the grief was something that only time could help. No one ever could take that from a person no matter how much you wanted to.
“Buffy, luv, look at me.”
She looked up at him, her eyes red and swollen.
“If you need to do that everyday, do it. Call me and I’ll be right here to hold you, okay? I won’t leave you, you know that right?”
She nodded and buried her face back in his shoulder, letting out a shuddering cry.
"That’s it baby, let it out. Let it all out.”
Spike didn’t know how long they stayed there, but he didn’t care. When Buffy was finally ready, she moved off of him, thanked him and requested he take her to the funeral home. He nodded silently and as they drove to the funeral home, he held her hand tightly in his. Everyone’s rock had found her rock in Spike.

Thank you guys for the great reviews! I love that you are enjoying it, means I'm doing my job! :)



Chapter Five


“Buffy, you look like shit. Are you okay?” Cordelia asked as Buffy poured her drinks. Spike had told her to be bartender today and to use the spare time to sit, relax and study. She didn’t have it in her to tell him that she had dropped out the other day. She knew the lecture she would get and really, she was just too tired to hear it. Between the funeral, lawyers, moving and adjusting to being the guardian of a one-year-old, everything had passed by so quickly and in such a blur, that Buffy felt she hadn’t even had a chance to catch her breath. It was weird considering how everything had moved so slow the first few days after Faith’s death. Now she couldn’t seem to get a grip on anything that was happening around her, and it felt as if everything was happening AROUND her. She felt outside herself, as if she were watching herself walk and talk, but couldn’t FEEL anything.

“Don’t hold back Cordy, tell me how you really feel,” Buffy said dryly and promptly yawned.

Cordy just shrugged, took her drinks and walked away. Buffy shook her head and sat down on the stool, rubbing her eyes.

“Don’t give up, B,” her sister told her as she began to knead her shoulders.

Buffy jumped a mile and spun around. Faith? No, Spike. He was looking at her in surprise, his hands up in the air in surrender. “Sorry, didn’t mean to startle you.”

Buffy slid off the stool. “You didn’t…thought I heard Faith.”

“Oh? What’d she say?”

Buffy shook her head, “it’s dumb. Just forget it. What’s up, boss?”

Spike cocked his head to the side, doing that thing he did when he was worried about her. Studying her. In her exhausted state, it irritated her. “Stop it,” she told him.

“Stop what?”

“Coddling me, watching me like that. I’m not made of porcelain, I won’t break.”

Spike’s gaze hardened. “I never said you would. Cordy is right though, you do look like shit. Have you been sleeping?”
“Gee, thanks. I feel SO much better now. Why don’t you just tell me I’m stupid and kick me while you’re at it? I feel very bad for Anya all of a sudden. Do you tell her that too?”

“I’m not going to lie to you or sugar coat the truth, Buffy. I wo—“

“Worry about me? I’m aware, thank you. You don’t even have to tell me you worry about me, I can see it every time I look at you. Anya looks at me as if I’m going to fall apart at any minute and even Cordy in her own unique lets me know she’s concerned.”

Spike sighed, “we ca—“

“’Care about you, Buffy. We want to help you’. You want to help me? You can bring Faith back to me, and while you’re at it, you can bring my mother back too. That way I’ll have a family again and Nate will have more than just me.”

“He doesn’t just have you, Buffy. And you don’t just have him. You have me too, you know. You’re not alone and you never will be.”

“Really? That’s funny. Because I feel alone.” Wiping away at the tears that formed AGAIN, she excused herself to the bathroom. Hadn’t she cried enough? When was it ever going to stop? She felt like Niagra Falls with all the crying she’d done. Was it possible to ever dry out your tear ducts, because if it were, then she was sure she’d have run clear out soon.

Splashing some cold water on her face, she stared at herself in the mirror. She didn’t even recognize the person staring back at her. How was it possible that in three short weeks, she had lost total and complete sight of herself? She was angry and bitter, numb and heartbroken. How was it possible to be all those things at once? And why did she keep pushing away the one person who cared the most?

“You always hurt the ones you love the most,” she murmured to herself. She sighed; she had to apologize to Spike. Making her way out of the bathroom, she didn’t catch sight of him and so made her way to his office.

Knocking softly on the door, she heard a grumpy “come in.”

She pushed the door open and said, without hesitation, “I’m sorry, Spike.”

He looked at her, startled. “Buffy?”

She looked at him in confusion, “yeah?”

“Buffy Summers?”

“Stop it, you’re freaking me out.”
“I’m sorry, but the Buffy Summers I know never apologizes.”

She glared at him and stuck out her tongue. “Fine, I take it back.”

“No, please don’t. I think I’m going to mark this on my calendar to remember this day—“ And he moved to grab a pen and started toward the calendar on the wall.

“William Giles!” She admonished him and dove for the pen. He held it over his head, smiling down at her.

“Say it again. Tell me how sorry you are. Make me believe it.”

“Give me the pen!”

“Say it!”

Smiling, she tickled him on the side and he folded like a deck of cards, laughing. She tickled more until he loosened his grip.

“Am I interrupting something?”

Both heads shot to see Anya standing in the doorway, eyebrow raised.

“Oh, hey Ahn. I’m just trying to stop Spike from being such a dork,” Buffy moved away from Spike, still giggling a bit. It felt good to giggle. It felt almost like a foreign concept. She was surprised to learn her body still remembered how to do it.

Spike was smiling, pointing down at her, “you’re smiling.”

Buffy nodded, feeling very much on display all of a sudden. “I am, aren’t I? Look at that, my face didn’t crack.” She turned away from Spike and started for the door. “Back to work for me. See you later, Ahn.”

Making her way back to the bar, with a grin still on her face, Cordy pointed at her. “You look better Buffy.”

“Thanks, Cordy.”



Anya wrapped her arms around Spike and he grinned.

“How is she?”

“I think today was the first time she smiled without the aid of Nate.”

Anya nodded. “I miss you.”

“What do you mean, you miss me? You just saw me this morning.”

“You’ve been gone all the time lately.”

Spike pushed Anya back a bit. “You know I can’t just abandon her.”

“I didn’t say that, Spike.”

“She needs someone to be there right now. You don’t know Buffy like I do. Despite the brave front she puts on, she’s just a little girl inside, desperate for some love and attention.” Spike walked away from his girlfriend, shuffled some papers on his desk as he spoke.

Anya narrowed her eyes, “are you the one to give that to her?”

“Well, yeah,” he paused. “Wait. Not the way you’re thinking. You know how I feel about you, Ahn. But, Buffy’s been my best friend since…since forever it seems like. She’s been there for me numerous times and now she needs me to be there for her.”

“So the fact that you’ve been over there every night and don’t spend any time with me anymore is payback for all the times she was there for you?”

“No. Yes. No. Ahn…it’s more than just ‘payback’. Buffy’s my best friend.”

“I know, I know, I know. I hear about it all the time, Spike. ‘Buffy’s my best friend. Buffy is the greatest. Buffy’s so smart and strong. Buffy will probably win the Nobel Peace Prize, stop world hunger and invent the cure for AIDS and cancer. All while leaping tall buildings in a single bound.’”

Spike pointed at her. “You’re being catty.”

“And you’re being pathetic. Do you really think she needs you over all the time? Do you really thinks she needs you this much Spike or is it you that needs her?”
“What the hell are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about the fact that you can’t walk two feet without Buffy by your side. I think you like the fact that she’s in turmoil right now because in that way, you can live out your fantasy of being her knight in shining armor because since the day you arrived at Sunnydale High, she’s been yours.”

“Her sister just fucking died, Anya. Do you have any idea what it feels like to lose your family? I lost my mother when I was twelve. I got to see my father practically lose his mind. I practically lost mine. It hurts like hell. Faith and Nate were all Buffy had left. Now, she just has Nate. How the fucking hell do you think that makes her feel? You have family all over the place, you don’t know what it’s like to be alone.”

“And I know you do. Yet another thing to have in common with her.”

“You’re the one that’s been wanting to help her out for the past three weeks!”

“Help, Spike, not devote my life to!”

“I’m not devoting my life to her!”

“Yes you are! You always have. Everything revolves around Buffy!”
The two glared at each other. Anya felt the beginnings of a heartbreak happening. She had always known the gorgeous man in front of her would break her heart, she had just desperately hoped to change that.

“You’re not alone, Spike, and you don’t just have Buffy. You have me too. You’ve always had me. Call me when you’re done rescuing Buffy.” Anya grabbed her purse and slammed the door shut behind her. She wanted him to come after her. Wanted him to tell her that he was sorry and that she was right.

“Ahn? Is everything okay?” Buffy was standing in front of her, but Anya could barely see her, the tears blinding her.

She shook her head. She wanted to yell at the petite blond woman in front of her that had so much power over Spike. She wanted to tell her that she was a bitch, a tramp and a home-wrecker. But no matter how angry she was, it wasn’t at Buffy. The girl had no clue, she was just Buffy, doing her Buffy thing. Anya licked her lips, a thought forming. She could actually use Buffy’s kindness and willing to help to her advantage.

“Did you and Spike have a fight?”

Anya nodded.

“About what?”

“How much did you hear?”

Buffy reddened. “I didn’t hear…I heard yelling, but I didn’t hear anything. I wouldn’t—“

“Why not? I would.”

“It’s not my business.”

“It’s not a big deal, Buffy. Just a lover’s quarrel. I’m sure he’ll be back and groveling very soon.” She looked towards his closed door. “Yes, soon indeed.”

“Can I do anything?”

“You could tell him that he can see more than once or twice a week. You could tell him that I need him too and that you don’t need him as much as he thinks you do.”

Buffy bit her bottom lip and nodded slowly. “I understand,” she said softly.

“Take care, Buffy,” Anya gave her an awkward hug and walked out, hoping this wouldn’t bite her in the ass later. No, she hoped it bought her some time to convince Spike that she could be just as wonderful as his precious Buffy was. Even more so. Besides, wasn’t she doing Buffy a tremendous favor by allowing the girl to see that she could stand on her own two feet without Spike?





“Spike?” Buffy asked cautiously as she pushed his door open.

Spike sat at his desk, staring at the pile of papers in front of him in a daze. He looked up at her and gave her a weak smile.

“What just happened?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, I heard some yelling and then saw a sad Anya walk out the door. What did you do?”

Spike’s eyes bugged out of his head. “Me? Why is it my fault?”

“It’s usually the guy’s fault,” Buffy shrugged. She sat down on the chair in front of the desk. “What happened?”

Spike shook his head, running a hand through his gelled hair, messing it up and causing his curls to spring forth. “Nothing. She’s just being selfish.”

“How?”

“She wants me by her side all the time…”

Buffy sighed heavily, “Spike, you haven’t been spending a whole lot of time with her lately. She is your girlfriend and she needs you—“

“You need me more,” Spike told her, pinning her with his gaze.

“Spike, I’m fine. I’m grieving. It’s what people do when they lose someone they love. But, I’m getting through it slowly, but surely.”

“What about Nate? You need someone to help out with him.”

“Some days I do, yes.”

“Plus, you’ve got to get back to your classes soon and you’re going to need someone to watch him more---“

“And you have a job that you need to be at and…I dropped out,” she looked down at her hands, waiting for the explosion.

“You what? Why did you do that?” He yelled.

“Because I had to! Spike, believe it or not, I can make decisions without you. I did what was realistic for me at the time. Now is not the time for me to be at school. Now is the time for me to get my head on straight and take care of Nate. I need to work more to afford living at that house and I need to find daycare for Nate because I can’t keep leaving him with the next door neighbor, no matter how much I trust her. You have a business to run here, so you can’t do it all the time and you have a life, Spike. You have Anya who loves you very much and who needs you too. You can’t take away my pain no matter how hard you try. You’ve helped a lot, you’ve helped me out so much, but you don’t need to take it all on. I don’t want you to. More importantly, I don’t NEED you to.”

Spike’s jaw was clenching, never a good sign.

“You don’t have to be there with me every night. I appreciate everything that you’ve done for me, Spike. You’ve been my rock, but I do not want to be the reason why you lose Anya.”

“You aren’t—“

“Yes, I am. Time felt like it stopped for me since Faithy…it’s not the greatest feeling in the world. Don’t let time stop for you too, Spike. Life goes on. Yours, mine, Nate’s, Anya’s. Do you really want Anya’s life to go on without you?”

Spike didn’t answer and Buffy took that to mean that he didn’t want that.

“I’ll make a deal with you. I’ll call you in the event that I need your help. Until then, go see Anya, spend some time with her, show her you love her.”

“Buffy—“

“Nope, not a discussion. Do it,” she stood and handed him the phone. “Call her cell. She’s probably on her way home. Make a date for tonight. Nate and I will be fine.”

Spike took the receiver and watched her leave. She never saw him set the receiver back down.

 

Chapter Six



Buffy felt guilty. The reason why she felt so guilty was because she felt resentful. Resentful of the fact that Spike, Cordelia, Anya and anyone else in the world she came in contact with had a life. Or seemed to anyway. She used to have a life. She considered school, work, Faith and Nate, and hanging out with Spike having a life. Now, she had…Nate and work. Now she understood how it felt to have your life revolve around a child. In a word, it was exhausting. From the time Nate woke up in the morning to the time he went to bed, all her actions revolved around him. She understood now why Faith had to get away at times. Though, ‘at times’ to Faith meant a couple nights every week. Buffy could get behind a parent (or both) needing some time away from their kids, but not as much as Faith seemed to need it. Buffy found she missed Nate during the day. She also worried about him endlessly and probably stressed the poor neighbor with her constant phone calls. She couldn’t help it though. Nate was all she had and she loved that little boy as if he was her own, and well, he pretty much was hers now.

So, Buffy felt guilty for being resentful of the fact that she couldn’t go out on a whim like Spike could. She didn’t have the time to do her hair in the morning like Cordelia did and…she no longer had Spike around as much like Anya did. She also felt something toward the blond girl that she didn’t start to feel until after she’d encouraged Spike to talk to her: Anger. She was angry with the girl. It didn’t dawn on Buffy until later that Anya had made her feel like some kind of home wrecker. As if she were stealing Spike from under her nose. If anyone stole Spike, it was Anya. He had more time for her when he was single than when he started seeing Anya. Where the hell did she get off? And, in a moment of self-pity, Buffy felt angry that Anya made it seem as if she’d lost her pet, not her sister. She had been the one who had wanted to do all these things for her and Nate and now it all made sense to Buffy: She was willing to help so that a) she could score points with Spike, b) she could spend more time with Spike—especially if they watched Nate together and c) she could free up more of Spike’s time so that he could ‘give her many orgasms.’ Was it wrong to be angry with Anya as she was? She really hated it when people thought she was just a naïve little girl. She knew what the what was, she just didn’t always let on to it.

Of course, Buffy did know that Spike couldn’t very well devote his entire life to helping her, and she didn’t want him to. He could be positively exhausting himself. She didn’t so much mind the company as much as she minded the worried glances if she expressed her grief or recalled a memory and shared it with him. He acted as if she were going to fall to pieces and that he was the only one that could put her back together. Buffy didn’t want anyone to put her back together. She knew it was something that had to be done on her own. So, yes, this was good that Anya had manipulated her. And yet, Buffy was pissed as hell at Spike too. Didn’t he get what Anya was up to? Didn’t he get that Anya really didn’t care two shits how she was, only caring that Anya got what Anya wanted: Spike all to herself. It bothered her on a really basic level too. Anya’s whole behavior made Buffy feel even more alone than she already was. It just went to show her that there were people out there that didn’t really give a damn about you and what you were going through. They were only looking to get theirs. It hurt Buffy to know that she had falsely considered Anya a friend of hers as well, when in actuality, she was only a friend to her when it suited her. Buffy wouldn’t have cared if Spike had wanted to bring Anya along when he would come over to visit her and Nate. She would have welcomed the company and the ensured laughter. She didn’t hog Spike on purpose; he made his own choices.

So, in essence, she felt guilty for missing her old life pre-child, she was angry at the world for taking Faith and she was angry at the world for being so apathetic and selfish, and in turn felt guilty for wanting some attention that seemed to be lacking since she told Spike to make amends with Anya. It wasn’t as if he had to come over every night, but she had barely seen him in two weeks! She felt lonely and depressed and she had no one to blame but herself. And Faith. Oh, that was another thing. She was still angry at Faith for leaving to go ‘grocery shopping’ when she really needed a fix with her loser boyfriend. If she had just gone to the grocery store and came home, she never would have gotten in that accident. And, if Buffy had never agreed to watch Nate, then Faith would never have left. She just knew that she was asking for it by agreeing to it. She knew that five minutes in Faith’s world meant more like an hour and a half. Buffy had almost told her no, that she could get whatever she needed for dinner. Then, Faith never would have gone out, Buffy would have made her class and Faith would still be here.

Buffy shut her eyes tightly as she leaned back against the couch. She felt so many things inside her, she didn’t know how to let it out. Instinct told her to call Spike, but she was angry with him. Buffy glanced over at the clock. He was working now. She could just pretend to call to check on something. No. She asked for this. So, by God she was going to punish herself more than she already was for doing it. Made perfect sense. She was masochistic when she was depressed and angry.

Besides, she had things to do once Nate woke up from his nap. She had to find a daycare today for him. She had a list of centers to check out and even had a few appointments for later that afternoon. Yes, she had things to do. For Nate. Which, in turn, helped her out. Then, she could make a set schedule at work and be home for Nate in the evenings and weekends. Maybe she could even meet some nice mothers to make friends with. Maybe they could help each other out, maybe she could just go OUT, even if it was a play date.

The sound of Nate over the monitor tore her out of her thoughts and she made her way to his bedroom. He was sitting up in his crib, binky in his mouth and staring up at her groggily. He just looked so adorable that Buffy welled up in tears for even missing her old life for one minute. How could she be so selfish? She picked him up, cradling and cooing at him when she noticed how incredibly hot he felt. And sweaty. The back of his neck was damp and so was his back. The room wasn’t too hot, it was just right. She had a window open letting in a breeze. She flicked on the light and studied him. His eyes were glazed over a bit and he was just resting against her. Nate wasn’t much of a cuddler. He was a one toddler wrecking machine. He had the energy of ten men in one little body. Buffy went directly to the bathroom and rummaged through the medicine cabinet until she found the thermometer. Oh good, it was one of those electronic ones that took but a second to the side of the head. She could count on Faith not to have a complicated, up-your-butt thermometer.

Sitting down with him on the toilet seat, Buffy clicked it on and pressed it to the side of his forehead. Her mouth went dry. 102. Okay, so it wasn’t THAT bad… but still bad for a one year old. Buffy grabbed a washcloth and wet it with cold water and wiped his forehead. He didn’t like that much, but she didn’t care. Then, she took him to the kitchen and set him down in his high chair and broke up a Popsicle and gave him a cup of cold juice as she went searching for Children’s Tylenol. She found it, read the directions and gave it to him. Surprisingly, he sucked it down. Next, doctor. She had the name and number of his doctor on speed dial. She hadn’t officially met him, but she was about to.

“Hello, this is Buffy Summers. I’m Nate Summers guardian. He’s running a high fever of 102. I don’t know what’s wrong with him,” Buffy relayed into the phone.

“Has he been acting funny?” The nurse asked.

“No, he went down for a nap and woke up hot. He’s been a little groggy, but other than that, fine.”

“Who is his pediatrician?”

“Uh…Dr. O’ Connor.”

“Why don’t you bring him in Miss Summers and Dr. O’ Connor can take a look at him.”

“Okay, thank you. What time?”

“Just come on over.”

‘Thank you.”

After cleaning Nate up and changing his diaper, both Buffy and Nate were en route to Buffy’s first doctor appointment with him. He was sick and she was alone. Before she knew it, she was crying right along with Nate who started to cry in his car seat.

“I’m sorry, baby. I don’t know what’s wrong with you, but we’ll figure it out. I’m sorry….” She wept to him.

Once in the parking lot of the pediatrician’s office, Buffy took a handful of tissues from the glove compartment and wiped at her eyes. She wasn’t wearing any makeup that day, so she really didn’t have to worry about smudging her mascara or some crap like that. Pulling her hair back away from her face, she got out of the car and got Nate. She held him tightly to her as she entered the office, the stench of sickness, medicine and bleach hitting her nostrils. She watched as children ran around as their parents tried to corral them, or cried as their parents held them and some of them even slept. Nate just sighed against her and rested his head on her chest, letting her know he would be content to just rest on her for now.

“Buffy Summers, I just called for my nephew Nate.”

The older nurse smiled up at her and pulled his file from in front of her with ease. She opened it and her smile faded a bit. “Yes, Miss Summers. Dr. O’ Connor will be with you in a minute. I’m sorry about to hear about your sister.”

Buffy nodded, fighting back tears. “Thank you.” Finding a place away from the other sick children, Buffy sat with Nate in her lap and whispered words of love to him as they waited. She was so engrossed in thinking about how Faith had done this before and how worried she was about Nate that she didn’t hear the doctor call her until he was practically on top of her.

“Miss Summers?” A deep voice startled her and the hand to her arm made her jump.

She turned to greet the voice and found a man, maybe a few years older than her, with short, dark hair, warm brown eyes and a sincere smile looking at her.

“Y-yes?”

“I can see Nate now.”

“Oh,” she said, confusion clearing. “Okay, thanks. Come on Nate the Great.” She stood on shaky legs and berated herself for not eating again today. She would be of no help to him if she didn’t keep herself herself healthy.

“How are you doing, Miss Summers?” The nice doctor asked. Geez, he was tall. He towered over her.

“I’m not going to lie to you, I’m really worried.”

Dr. O’ Connor nodded, “completely normal. Kids get fevers and get sick all the time, Miss Summers. He’ll be fine. Is this the first time you’ve had to bring him in?”

“Yeah, usually, my uh, sister did it.”

“Come on in,” he stepped aside and held the door to a room open. Buffy stepped inside, taking in the finger paintings and pictures of children that adorned the bright white walls. She sat on the examination table with Nate on her lap. Dr. O’ Connor sat down across from her in a black chair and smiled gently up at her. “You can call me Angel, Miss Summers. Dr. O’ Connor sounds too stuffy.”

She smiled warily, “okay, Dr…Angel. You can call me Buffy instead of Miss Summers.”

“Will do. How’s he been doing with everything?”

Buffy bit her lip and looked down for a minute, willing herself not to lose it. “He’s been all right. Asks for ‘mama’ now and then. I’m surprised he hasn’t since he woke up with his fever.”

Angel nodded, “and you?”

“Fine,” she said automatically. She was so used to saying it, that she didn’t even think about it anymore.

He stared at her, “that was quick.”

She blinked, “yeah, I…guess I really don’t think about it anymore. I’m so used to everyone asking me that, so now it’s just a knee-jerk response. No one really wants to hear how crappy you’re doing because then it just makes them feel bad, or maybe they don’t really care how you’re doing, so by telling them you’re doing crappy, you’re just making them feel as if they are responsible for helping you out of it. And who wants someone to help you out of it when they don’t really care how you’re doing. It’s just some stupid question that people feel they have to ask to pretend they care when they really don’t.” Buffy paused and noted Angel’s startled expression. “Can you look at Nate now?”

It took a moment, but Angel jumped up, “of course. Can you just um, face him toward me?”

“Sure.”

Angel checked out a squirming Nate who tried many times to move away from Angel or who grunted disapprovingly at him as Angel poked and prodded. When Nate started to cry, Buffy glared at Angel.

Angel smiled apologetically at her. “Sorry, Buffy. I haven’t seen the little guy since his one year check up and just wanted to cover all bases.”

She nodded curtly. “What’s wrong with him?”

“Looks to me like he has an ear infection,” Angel told her scribbling something on a note pad. “I’m prescribing some antibiotics for him. Amoxicillan. I can have my nurse call it in so it’ll be ready for pick up if you’d like.”

Now she felt guilty for being short with him. “That’d be great, thanks.”

“Can I have five?” Angel asked, sticking out his hand, palm side up for Nate. Buffy laughed as Nate slapped it and Angel pretended it hurt, making Nate giggle.

Angel laughed and ruffled his hair. “He’s going to be just fine. Keep giving him the Tylenol every four to six hours and the amoxicillan should kick in by tomorrow night.”

“Thank you, Dr.—“

“Angel.”

She smiled, “thank you, Angel.”

“If you need anything, just give me a call, okay?”

Buffy nodded, “will do.”

“Here’s my home number if you have any questions.” Angel handed her a slip of paper. Buffy looked down at it, dumbfounded. Sure enough it said, ‘Angel @ home: 555-3247.’

She looked up at him as he watched her. “Do pediatricians do house calls again?”

Angel chuckled. “No, that was my lame attempt to give you my number, hoping you’d call me for something other than my doctorly advice.”

She cocked her head to the side. “Are you asking me out?”

If it were possible, Angel blushed. Which just made Buffy smile at how cute that was. Here was this big, strong man blushing over her.

“Yes, I am Buffy.”

She didn’t know why she felt compelled to agree to it, but she did. Maybe because she was lonely, and her knee-jerk reaction of staying alone just wasn’t cutting it at the moment. Not after today. Angel had helped her, helped Nate. How could she say no to that? She felt all sorts of warm fuzzies for him right now. Besides, he was hot.

“Okay, I’ll call you.” Which was totally NOT Buffy. She didn’t do the calling, she rather hated the phone. Instead, she waited for the guy to do the calling. But hey, it was a crazy day and she felt like being a little crazy. Even if it was just a stupid phone call.

Angel smiled broadly. “I’ll be waiting.” He reached out and ruffled Nate’s curls. Angel walked her to her car and Nate took great pleasure in playing hide and seek with him, using Buffy’s shoulder as the place in which to hide behind. His bursts of laughter were contagious

 

Chapter Seven



The euphoria of meeting Angel didn’t even last a full day. By the morning of the next day, she had completely changed her mind. Oh, she thought that Angel was nice enough, but she absolutely refused to do what Faith had subjected Nate to. She was not about to start dating someone and involve them in Nate’s life at this stage. The revolving door was not for her. Course, one discreet date didn’t mean that would happen, but somehow in Buffy’s overactive imagination, it would. Besides, Angel was Nate’s pediatrician. That would be a bit of an awkward.

What she felt toward Angel was gratitude. He doctored Nate, he was there for her first sickness with him. It was perfectly normal that she would find him desirable to date. But it wasn’t real. She couldn’t see herself dating anyone at this point. She was too much of a mess. So, in case she had a moment of weakness when she was feeling sorry for herself and her lack of a life, Buffy flushed Angels phone number down the drain. He was Nate’s pediatrician and that was the end of that. Period.



Spike sat back in his chair, staring at the dart board across the room.

“Boss, can I get out early?” Cordelia asked as she bustled into the room. She looked at the wall that Spike was staring at. She pointed at him, “okay, are you drinking?”

“Yeah. Water.”

Cordelia shook her head. “What’s the matter with you anyway? Are you brooding?”

He glared at her, “I don’t brood. I’m…thinking.”

“About Anya? Or Buffy?”
Spike looked up at Cordelia finally. “Buffy? Why, did she—what’s that look for?”

“The ‘look’ is saying that you’re a doofus.”

“Doofus? I’m a doofus? You do realize that I am your boss, right? I’m thinking you calling your boss a doofus, makes YOU a doofus.”

“You’re a doofus because you just don’t get it. I mean, you really don’t GET it, do you?”

“Do you talk to hear yourself talk or do you actually have a point, Cordelia?”

“I’m not getting involved. Not completely anyway. Let’s just put it this way: Nothing is going to be solved and figured out until you get off your brooding ass and call her. Or see her.”

“Anya or Buffy?”

“Buffy! Are you listening to me at all?”

“Cordelia—“

“Everytime she’s here, she stares at the door like she’s some lost little puppy dog and I swear at any moment she’s going to start whining like one and scratching at the door until you let her in. And you, you sit in here doing the one thing you hate the most: Brooding. So, I ask you: What does it mean when the two most stubborn people in the world are reduced to doing what they hate most?”

“They need to talk?”

“Well, that’s a step in the right direction.”

“So, that’s not the answer to your question?”

“It’s part of it.”

“You’re daft.”

“You’re weird. So?”

“Go home.”

“Thanks!”

Shaking his head, Spike stood and stretched his tired limbs. Then, he walked directly to the front where Buffy was chatting with one of the other waitresses.

“Buffy?” He asked, almost cautiously.

She looked to him, “yes?”

He straightened and met her gaze. “Could I, uh, talk to you for a minute?”

She nodded, “sure thing, boss.”

He winced. He didn’t like her calling him that. He was her Spike, not just her boss. That thought gave him pause. HER Spike? He shrugged. Well, yeah, he was her Spike. And she was his Buffy.

She followed him silently into his office and had her hands demurely clasped behind her back as she walked past him into the room. She stared at the floor and Spike stood there, feeling helpless. He didn’t know how to start.

“I miss you,” he blurted out.

Her head popped up, her eyes wide. “You do?”

He nodded, then sheepishly, “do you miss me at all?”

Buffy answered by flinging herself in his arms, “I do!”

Just when Spike had started to wrap her arms around her to return her hug, she backed off and pointed a finger at him. “I’m so mad at you!”

Spike stared at her, confused and unsure of what to do. “Huh?”

“You haven’t called in over a week!”

“You told me to give you space, that you didn’t need me, remember?”

“Yeah, and somehow that translated into blow me off completely?”
He pointed his finger at her this time, “you could have called too, you know. I was just trying to give you your space and I THOUGHT you’d give ME a call when you wanted to talk to me.”

“It’s not like we had a fight Spike. I gave you some advice on Anya…how is that anyway?”

Spike looked down and frowned. “I never called her.”

“Oh? Why not?”

“I’m not in love with her Buffy. Seems pointless to work something out that I knew wasn’t going anywhere.”

“Good, I’m glad. I don’t think Anya’s good enough for you.”
Spike looked up at her in shock. “I thought you liked Anya.”

“I did until she pissed me off!”

“Buffy, you’re confusing as hell you know that?”

She shrugged, “I try. It’s my job to keep you on your toes. Why am I confusing?”

“You just are,” he shook his head. “How did Anya piss you off, kitten?”

“She made me feel like a homewrecker. Like I broke you guys up. Then I had to go and feel guilty about it, ergo pushing you to call her and make amends.”
“She made you feel guilty? How? What did she say to you?”

Buffy looked at him guiltily. “I’ve said too much already. I don’t want to be catty—“

“Buffy, tell me.”

“No, it’s not important. It’s done now.”

“Elizabeth Anne Summers, would you just tell me?”

Her eyes widened and Spike fought back a grin. He was pulling out the big guns when he used her full first name like that.

“She told me to tell you that I didn’t need you all the time and that she did. Which, at the time sounded good to me, I mean it made sense, but then I got really mad because it wasn’t as if I ASKED you to come around so much, I mean you could have brought Anya over with you at any time. And I didn’t want you to completely stop coming around, Spike, just didn’t want you to feel as if you had to my savior.

I feel like she used me to make herself look good to you the whole time. Like she didn’t ever really care that I lost Faithy, just wanted to ACT like she cared to get to you and that really hurt my feelings. And I thought that you were just sucking it all up and didn’t see what she was really doing and that made me mad at you too.” Buffy stopped and bit her lip. Then, “I guess I had a lot to say even though I didn’t want to say it. Can you stop looking as if you’re going to hunt her down and shoot her like a dog?”

Spike’s jaw was clenching. “Why didn’t you tell me any of this before?”

“I don’t…I didn’t want to cause any problems at first and then I was just angry in general and didn’t want to talk to you…even though I really did. . . I am confusing, aren’t I?”

“Lil’ bit.”

“Well, there you go. Just don’t say anything okay? I mean…are you planning on talking to her at all?”

“Hadn’t really planned on it. I don’t want Anya to be the reason why you and I don’t talk. We’ve been through too much to have Anya break up our friendship, Buffy.”

Buffy sighed, “I know.”
“You should have told me what she said to you.”

“Well, it didn’t really dawn on me until later that she was being a poop head. I thought I was doing the right thing by getting you and Anya to iron out your differences when the whole time she was just manipulating me. Am I that easy to manipulate?”
“Sometimes. You have to be the sweetest person I know, Buffy. You don’t like to think the worst of anyone. Until they cross you, that is.”

“I can’t help it. I live by that whole ‘do unto others’ creedo. Maybe I should stop that. Or modify it. I’ll do unto others before they can do unto me.”

Spike chuckled, “no, don’t change any aspect of yourself, Buffy. That’s what makes you such a great person to know.”

“Awww, thanks Spikey,” and she gave him a great big hug. “I really did miss you.”
“I missed you too. How’s Nate?”

Buffy pulled away and sat down in his armchair. “I had a grand adventure a couple days ago with him. He woke up with a fever of 102 and I had to take him to his pediatrician.”

“Is he all right?”

“He has an ear infection. He’s on meds now. He’s all right. It was scary though. I never had to do that before.”

Spike sat down on his desk facing her. “I wish I could have been there with you,” he told her softly.

“I know, but…it was good that I did that on my own. Now I know I can. I handled it very well if I may say so myself. I had a focus. Get Nate better and I just kept on that.”

Spike smiled, “I’m proud of you. When can I see him? I miss the little tyke.”
Buffy smiled, “anytime you want.”

“I have an idea. You have tomorrow off, right?”

“You’re my boss and you don’t even know when I have off?”
“Buffy--” he began tiredly.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, I have tomorrow off.”

“And I put Lorne in charge of things tomorrow. Why don’t we go to the park? Make a day of it?”
“Really? You want to go to the park with Nate and I?”

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I want to? I suggested it didn’t I?”
“I don’t know, I just figured you’d want to spend the day doing your single guy thing.”

“What’s my single guy thing?”
“Crap, I don’t know.”





Spike laughed, “well, I don’t want to do my ‘single guy thing’, I want to spend the day with you and Nate. He hasn’t seen his Uncle Spike in a while, he might forget me.”
“Never. He loves you.”

“Just like his Auntie Buffy?”

“Yep, just like his Auntie Buffy.”





Buffy was laughing as she watched Nate and Spike slide down the big slide together. It had to be the cutest thing she’d ever seen. Spike just sat with Nate in his lap and down they went, Nate laughing the whole time. Spike had the biggest smile that she hadn’t seen in a long time. She was kicking herself for not bringing her camera. Moments like these definitely needed to be captured on film. And when they got to the end, Nate ran over to Buffy with his arms up, laughing. She picked him up and tossed him lightly in the air, laughing as well.

She set him down and he went directly to Spike, wanting to be picked up. Spike smiled, almost sappily. As her boys—boys? As in plural? She shrugged. Well, yeah. Spike was her boy too. So, as her boys played and ran around the playground, Buffy set out their picnic. When it was ready she called them over to join her. As Nate drank down his juice from his sippy cup on Uncle Spike’s lap, Buffy felt her eyes well up a bit. She tried to discreetly turn away and wipe them away, but Spike caught her. Of course.

“What’s wrong?” He asked, reaching out and grabbing her hand.

She pulled back and shook her head, reaching for a napkin. “Nothing. I was just thinking about Faith…something like this would have been nice for her to do with him.”

Spike nodded as he watched Nate devour his lunch. “He’s a bloody riot,” Spike said fondly and looked over at Buffy. She felt her heart swell. A myriad of emotions were swirling inside her: Peace. Comfort. Contentment. Friendship. Love. It had to be the first time since Faith died that she had felt like that. Hell, it had to be the first time since her mom died that she felt like that.

Locking eyes with Spike, she told him, heartfelt and true: “Thank you.”

Spike stared at her for a long time, a look passing across his features that Buffy couldn’t define. He gave her a quick nod and went back to tending to Nate.


 

Chapter Eight



Spike was feeling things. Things that he’d felt before, but never took the time to analyze. Things he’d shoved down for one reason or another. It wasn’t as if it was any easier now than it would have been before. It was downright confusing and Anya’s words kept coming back to haunt him. He was finding it even hard to look at Buffy right now, even if looking at her was all he wanted to do. How the hell could he define what he was feeling for Buffy right now? And it wasn’t as if it were just RIGHT NOW. It was something that had been dormant and was just waiting for the right time to show itself. If anytime was actually the right time. Love didn’t wait for the right time, it just came and you had to deal with it.

Spike watched her as she chatted up customers and smiled graciously. He was immediately transported back to high school. Anya had been right, even though he hadn’t wanted to say it. Buffy had been his knight in shining armor. She had saved him from what could have possibly been a hell situation and made him feel welcome and accepted. That tiny, loving, pain in the ass girl had made him feel at home in a place he was so adamantly against EVER calling home. She’d always been there for him, and he found that for some time, he had taken her for granted. She always seemed so put together and everyone loved her. Why would Buffy ever need anyone or anything? She was Supergirl, Wonder Woman, she was the epitome of independence and grace. Well, sort of. The girl could barely walk and chew gum at the same time, but that was a different story.

Come to think of it, Buffy could have been the poster child for a suicide victim. As morbid as that sounded, but, wasn’t it always the ones that seemed to have everything going for them the ones that fell apart when the doors were shut? Not that Buffy didn’t have her share of problems. She had a non-existent father whom she would glibly excuse by saying ‘he had better things to do than be a father.’ Anyone who knew Buffy would know the hurt that lay just beneath the surface of that comment. He supposed that was why Buffy had been so angry at Faith for not knowing who Nate’s father was.

It wasn’t until after Buffy’s mother died that Spike saw all of Buffy. The Buffy that could cry, that didn’t always smile, that got scared, that took the superpower bit to a whole new frustrating level and made him want to shake her. Much like she had made him want to do over the past month since Faith had died. Spike had forced himself through though. Made himself accessible to her and supported her. He was bound and determined to get to the core of Buffy Summers. And he did. What he saw, he loved and adored. She was a breath of fresh air in the demented little world that Drusilla had created. Dru had been his dark, Buffy was his light. Scratch that, she was more than just that, she was both, his light AND his dark. When she was being stubborn and distant, she was his dark, when she was smiling at him, laughing with him (and at him) and being the sweet, caring woman she was, she was his light.

His everything.

He had no idea what he was thinking when he’d taken up with Anya. Their friendship hadn’t suffered too much, but he was reminded of what Cordy had said once—that he went running after Buffy more than he did Anya. God, how could he have been so blind? When Buffy needed him, he dropped everything to be there for her. When Anya needed him…well, in all fairness Anya’s definition of needing him was entirely different than Buffy’s. Buffy’s needs were legit, Anya’s needs were at first sexy and cute and then just plain annoying. Exactly how many times a day did the girl need to have sex? Spike considered himself a pretty sexual guy with a healthy appetite for it, but Anya…she had to be a nympho.

The day before when they’d spent the day at the park with Nate, Spike had this feeling wash over him. It was as if he could see the future and in it, as always, he saw Buffy. But, when he saw her, he also saw Nate and other little tykes running around. He saw them together. It was a moment of clarity, a moment that told him that everything was going to be all right and that what he was thinking WAS right and was meant to be.

“Hey Spike, you’re staring off into space again. Trying to contact the mother ship?” Buffy quipped as she strolled past him. She laughed lightly to herself at her own joke and Spike smiled.

“Brat!” He called after her.

“Loser!”

“Wench!”

“Dork!”

Spike and Buffy dissolved into giggles. The sound of the door opening and Cordy squealing with delight caught Spike’s attention. Cordy was currently hugging some tall, broad- shouldered, dark-haired man. Spike cocked his head to the side. Boyfriend for Cordy?

He looked over to Buffy, about to say something about that when he noticed the look on her face. She had turned ghostly pale and she appeared frozen in the spot she was standing in.

“Buffy?” Spike asked and stood up from the table, about to make his way over to her.

“Buffy, I was hoping to find you here.”

Spike’s head whirled to the big man. What did he just say? He knew Buffy? How did he know Buffy?
“How’s Nate doing?” He asked her.

“He’s fine, thanks. He’s good. Much better.”

“You didn’t call.”

Spike raised his eyebrows, Buffy was supposed to call this man? Who the hell was he?
“Sorry, I…I got busy.”

“So you weren’t giving me the brush off?” The man smirked.

“I’m sorry, but who are you?” Spike asked graciously, stepping in between the guy and Buffy.

Angel looked thrown for a minute, “I’m uh, Angel. Nate’s pediatrician.”

“Oh, is that right?” Spike said dryly and crossed his arms across his chest.

Angel nodded, “do I know you?”

“I’m Spike. I’m Buffy’s best friend. Nate’s uncle.”

“Oh, well, nice to meet you, Spike,” Angel stuck out his hand. Spike took it, trying to stop himself from squeezing it hard. Their eyes met and while he didn’t see malicious intent on Angel’s side, he still didn’t like him.

“Excuse me,” Buffy said, pushing Spike out of the way. Spike glared at her. “I’m sorry, Angel. I just got a little wigged about calling you. I mean, you’re Nate’s pediatrician.”

“And pediatrician’s can’t date?”
“Oh, no, that’s not what I’m saying. But, they can’t date patients.”
“I’m not asking Nate on a date, Buffy. I’m asking you.”

“I know, I just…I don’t know.”

“For crying out loud Buffy it’s a date, he’s not asking for your hand in marriage. Build a bridge and get over it already,” Cordy rolled her eyes. Now Spike was glaring at her.

Buffy looked trapped and just when Spike was about to intervene and tell the nice doctor man that Buffy wasn’t interested when Buffy beat him to the chase.

“Okay, I’ll go out with you.” Wait, that wasn’t a rejection!

“What?” Spike sputtered.

Buffy shot him an odd look and then directed Angel away from the audience of Spike and Cordy.

“What the bloody hell is she doing?” Spike hissed.

“Getting a life.”

“She has a life.”
“Not much of one. She deserves to have some fun, Spike. Besides, Angel’s a nice guy, he likes kids, he’s successful and smart…what’s not to like?”

“He’s too tall for her. He probably wears lifts. And look at that hair gel.”
Cordy looked at him, arms crossed, eyebrows raised.

“What?”

“Someone—“ Cordy began.

“Cordy, I didn’t know you knew Angel,” Buffy interrupted.

Cordy shrugged, “small world. So, you got a date?”

Buffy smiled sheepishly, “I do. He’s going to stop by on my lunch hour tomorrow to take me out for ice cream.”

“Ice Cream?” Spike balked. “Ice cream on a lunch break?”
“What’s wrong with that?” Buffy and Cordy asked at the same time, then shot each other funny looks.

“Ice cream is not a healthy lunch. He’s a pediatrician for Christ’s sake, shouldn’t he be pushing broccoli and salad and things of that sort down your throat?”

Both women looked at him as if he’d lost it, but Spike continued on.

“What kind of pediatrician is he? Next thing you know he’ll be telling you that Nate doesn’t need his vegetables and you can cram cupcakes in his face all day. Then he’ll tell you to forget about brushing his teeth—“
“He’s a pediatrician, not a dentist,” Cordy pointed out.

“Oh, see? You’re already making excuses for him!”

Cordy turned to Buffy, “Lunch hour huh? I think Spike could find it in the kindness of his heart to give you at least an extra half hour to spend on your ‘date.’ Couldn’t you, Spike?”

Spike wanted to throttle Cordelia right about now, especially since Buffy now had a hopeful look on her face. “Fine,” he muttered.

“How about a whole hour?” Cordy pressed.

“Don’t push your luck,” Spike pointed at her. “Doesn’t he have patients to see? Isn’t he busy at all? What kind of doctor can just take off for an hour like that?”

“The kind that doesn’t work on Sundays,” Cordy told him.

“I need to get my order,” Buffy said and rushed off.

Spike glared at Cordelia. “Office. Now.” And he practically dragged her to his office.

“You do realize you’re not supposed to be man handling the help?” Cordy told him dryly as Spike just about slammed the door shut.

“What the hell are you trying to do?” Spike demanded.

“What the hell are you talking about?”
“Buffy and that Angel guy…setting them up.”
“I’m not doing anything! He asked her out.”
“You’re not helping! You’re pushing them together.”

Cordy’s eyes widened, “I’m PUSHING them together? Okay, you know what Mr. I’ve-been-in-denial-since-high-school-about-how-I-really-feel-about-Buffy? DON’T YELL AT ME because YOU’RE too chicken shit to do anything about it! Do you think that just because you’re completely clueless that the rest of us are too? You do realize that even Anya knew how you really felt about Buffy, don’t you? The poor girl jumped through hoops to get your attention and all Buffy has ever had to do is walk in the room.

I’m not pushing them together, I’m pushing YOU to finally get off your ass and do something about it! I’m also pushing Buffy to think about something else aside from the fact that she’s basically now a single mom with no life AND her sister just died. She deserves to have a little fun and be reminded that she is still young and found attractive. Besides, why should she have to wait for you to get off your ass and tell her how you feel? She could very well be an old lady before that day happens and do you know how hard it is to date when you’re eighty?”

Spike stared at her, open mouthed and in shock. “Y-you know how I feel?”

“Does the word ‘duh’ mean anything to you?”

“Does she know?”

Cordy sighed with exasperation. “No, she doesn’t.”

“Do you think she feels anything for me?”

Cordy tilted her head thoughtfully and chewed on her bottom lip. “That, I’m not sure of. I mean, sometimes I think yes, and other times. . . well, the girl isn’t exactly an open book.”

“Tell me about it,” Spike agreed dryly, raking a hand through his hair. He narrowed his eyes. “What about your friend? Why are you willing to help ME out and hurt him in the process?”

“Angel and I aren’t exactly ‘friends’. We grew up together and all that, and I had a major crush on him. I asked him out and he rejected me for some bimbo named Darla. NOONE rejects Cordelia Chase and gets away with it.”

Spike grinned, “so this is payback?”

“In a manner of speaking. I like to think of it in three ways: One, all is fair in love and war, two, I’m helping you and Buffy out because in some weird way I do care what happens to you two freaks, and three. . . you and Buffy are meant to be. It’s fate, kismet, all that deep stuff. Anyone either of you get involved with is eventually going to get hurt because of your intense devotion to each other—for example, Anya. Maybe this will wake Buffy up to her feelings for you.”

“You surprise me, Cordy. Here you are, flitting about only thinking of yourself and really, you do care about others and notice what’s going on around you.”
“Don’t give me too much credit there Spike. When you and Buffy get married one day—if you EVER, you know, TELL her—then I’ll get all the glory and not only be the maid of honor BUT have your first born girl named after me!”

“So in the end, it’s still all about you.”

“Spike, it’s ALWAYS about me.”

He started to laugh and Cordy did too.

“Any advice?” Spike asked after a minute.

“Well, if you want to make Buffy compare and contrast, you’re going to have to show Buffy what it means to be loved by you. You’re going to have to ease your way in though. Going in all heart shaped boxes full of chocolates, roses and dramatic declarations of love is NOT the way to Buffy Summers’ heart. That will send her running for the hills. What you need to do is have more days like you did yesterday. Nate is the way to her heart now—“

Spike winced, “not going to use him to get to her. She would never go for that and I really do love him. I couldn’t use him that way.”

“I’m not saying that, dummy. I’m SAYING that you do love him and he loves you, right?”

“Right.”
“And Buffy’s priority is Nate right now. The only way you’re going to be able to let her know how great it can be is if you show her that you can be the long haul, family guy.”

“What about Angel? He’s Nate’s pediatrician. How can he not be the long haul, family guy.”

“Because Buffy is meant to be with William, that’s why. Buffy’s stubborn—“

“Don’t I know it!”

“So, it’s up to you to be persistent without going over the top and making her run the other way. She trusts you and believes in you Spike. Reinforce it.”

“When I did that before, it blew up in my face.”

“Because of Anya whom is now out of the picture.”

“Good point.”

“I think another family day with Nate is in the cards, don’t you?”

Spike grinned, “I rather think there is.”

 

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