Chapter Fifteen

“What are you doing tomorrow?” He asked as he trailed his kisses along her jaw.

She was finding it hard to concentrate as he did that, so she moaned a bit before answering and his grip tightened on her.

“Um, going to see my mom at some point,” she managed to get out just before he claimed her lips.

“Tomorrow night you’re free, yes?” His eyes were burning in their desire and intensity.

She gulped. “Y—yes.”

“When can I see you?”

“When do you want me to come over—“

“All the time,” he whispered hoarsely and kissed her quickly. “I want you with me all the time. Don’t you know that yet?”

“Wow,” she murmured. “No one’s ever said that to me before.”

He grinned and nibbled her bottom lip before looking in her eyes. “Good thing. You know how jealous I can be.”

She rolled her eyes. “Trust me, I’m aware.”

“’S only because I love you so bloody much. Walk across hot coals for you, I would.”

“You can’t do that, Spike. Fire plus vampire equals dust. Course, fire plus anything pretty much equals dust.”

He chuckled and caught her mouth again. She opened her mouth as he swept his tongue along her bottom lip and he entered, swirling his tongue with hers. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed herself closer to him. She could feel the evidence of his desire for her pressed against her stomach and it caused a rush of her own desire. He broke away from her and looked at her.

“What?” She asked breathlessly.

“I can smell you. You’re aroused.”

She felt herself redden and she hid her face against his chest. “That’s so un-romantic, Spike!” She admonished him.

“It’s romantic to me,” he told her huskily, bending his head and licking her earlobe. “Means you want me as much as I want you.”

She looked up at him, “I’m not ready for that yet.”

“I know, luv. You know I’ll wait. I’ll wait forever if you ask me to.”

“I know,” she whispered. Tentatively she reached out and ran a hand down his chiseled features. His eyes closed and he let out a soft purr. She pressed her lips against his and he deepened it immediately. When they finally broke apart he looked at her in amazement.

“Did I do something wrong?” She asked.

“That’s the first time you’ve kissed me first.”

She smiled shyly and looked away, “well, you know…yeah, I don’t know what I was going to say.”

He chuckled and buried his face in the crook of her neck. She was surprised to find she wasn’t scared. The bite had been tingling the whole time they were, well, making out and she wanted him to ease it. She knew how, but she wasn’t sure if she actually wanted him to do it.

“Spike,” she murmured, “could you…can you lick it?”

“Are you sure?” He asked, popping his head to look at her in shock.

She nodded, “I think it might help…”

“It’s calling me,” he admitted. “Did you know that?”

“I didn’t know until we got back here. Has it been—all night?”

“It calls to me all the time, pet. But it’s the strongest when you’re in danger, or you’re upset and when we’re…intimate.”

“I want you to—“
“Lick it?”

“Bite it. But I’m not ready for that yet. I think if you ease me into it?”

He kissed her suddenly and she would have stumbled back from the intensity had Spike not been holding onto her. His lips dribbled down to her jaw and then nibbled on her ear. She gasped when it reached his mark and he tongued it, gently. She mewled at his ministrations and her grip tightened on him. It was like heaven.

He stopped abruptly and pulled away for a bit. “I want to bite and I don’t want to, “ he admitted. “Won’t make that mistake again.”

“Thank you,” she said softly.

“You liked it.”

She nodded, “I did.”

He pressed his forehead against hers and stared into her eyes. “I love you.”

She didn’t know how to respond to that. Not yet. She felt things for him, she just wasn’t sure what all them were yet.

“I don’t say it to pressure you, you know that right?” He asked.

She nodded.
“Good. I only tell you because, well, I love you and I want you to know it.”

“Thank you?”

“Don’t thank me, Princess.”

She flinched and tried to move away from him. He held her close, not giving her much room to move.

“What?” He asked, concerned.

“That’s what you called Drusilla.”

“Pet, I’m sorry. I didn’t even realize I did that. It just flew out of my mouth. I wasn’t thinking of her at all. I don’t even think you’re like her to remind me of her. I guess I’ve always just thought of you as my little Princess to spoil.”

“You could call me the Queen,” she offered and he laughed, smothering her in a kiss. “Or you could just continue to call me all the little endearments you already call me. Wait. Do you call anyone else ‘luv’, ‘pet’, ‘sweetheart’, or ‘kitten’?”

“No, luv, only you.”

“I like those,” she smiled proudly.

He smiled tenderly, “then I’ll stick with those. You do believe me, right? That I wasn’t thinking of her?”

She nodded. “Maybe it was subconscious. I did mention her earlier.”

He shrugged, “doesn’t matter. Let’s stop talking about her. I want to concentrate on you and these luscious lips of yours.”

She giggled as he started to kiss her jaw again. “I should get inside—“

He straightened immediately. “Do you feel all right? Are you sick?” He put his hand to her forehead and frowned. “You don’t feel hot. Are you—“
“Spike!” She exclaimed softly. “I’m fine. I am tired, but I feel fine. I was just thinking that in case Giles comes down here and pries us apart, I should get inside.”

He ran his hands up her arms, biting his lip. “I don’t want you to leave yet, “ he whined.

“I know, I don’t want to either,” she admitted. He smiled widely at that admission and kissed her. She cradled his face in her hands and he started to purr.

She parted, “I have to go.”

He nodded, looking down. Then kissed her again, quickly. “Had to, couldn’t resist,” he said, and shyly looked away.

She chuckled and pushed herself gently away from him. “Goodnight, Spike. I’ll see you tomorrow. How about—“

“Right after you see your mum.”

She smiled, “what are we doing tomorrow night?”
He grinned devilishly, “I’ll surprise you.”

“Can’t wait,” she turned and opened the door. She looked back and smiled at him and found him standing there grinning widely.

She shut the door and sighed contentedly. She smiled dreamily to herself and made her way to her room.

Chapter Sixteen

Giles stood in the doorway and watched her, confused. She was packing her things.

“Buffy, what are you doing?”

She jumped a mile and she glared at him. He grinned.

“I’m packing my things. I’m going to my mother’s today and I figured now is as good time as any to move back.”

Giles furrowed his brow. “Why?”

She looked at him, “what do you mean, why? Aren’t you tired of having me here? I must be crimping your, uh, wild bachelor lifestyle.” She giggled at the last part and he pursed his lips together.

“Oh yes, because it’s a regular animal house here otherwise. With all the drinking and orgies.” Giles said dryly as he rolled his eyes.

She looked at him quizzically. “Are orgies a bachelor thing or a British thing?”

He looked at her sternly and she bit back a smile. He sat down on the bed. “I think you should stay.”

She stopped packing and looked at him, surprised. “You think I should stay?”

He nodded. “It’s not so unusual. Students in the Craft used to live with their Priests and/or Priestesses all the time. Helped them properly train. Besides, over the past week with the vampire gang, the magic, and well, Spike, I think it would be best. For you and your mother if you stayed here. Who knows if that vampire gang would have went after your mother first.”

“So you’re saying I put them in danger by living with them? That’s way comforting, Giles.”

“I’m saying that staying here is more convenient for you. Here you have me, your Priest at your disposal to help and guide you. I’m more apt to protect myself against predators than your mother and sister. In cases of emergency, such as when Spike came with news over the vampire gang, we could get down to work immediately. It’s convenient for me, for you, and for Spike for you to live here.”

She smiled and sat down next to Giles. “Giles, do you think you could say that you want me to live here because you like having my company? Or is this all about the convenience?”

Giles gave her a shy smile, “I do want you to live here, Buffy. It’s rather nice having you here. You come and go so frequently, you might as well live here already. I’m alone a lot of the time and it’s nice having someone here to keep me company.”

“What about all those orgies?”

Giles smiled, “no attachments there. It’s purely physical.”

Buffy laughed. “It does make more sense and I really was hoping you didn’t want me to leave. You are high strung—“

“Thank you,” Giles said in a tone that meant he didn’t mean the sentiment.

“But, not as uptight as my family. You know more about what I do than they do and it is safer for them. Plus, you’re easy to live with.”

Giles smiled shyly again. “Thank you,” and this time he meant it.

“Welcome. So, um, what do we tell people—namely women whom you might date in the future about this arrangement?”

“Easy. You’re my stepdaughter.”

“Stepdaughter? What about daughter? And would they really buy that anyway?”

“Buffy, dear, I’m thinking that if I ever get that close to a woman to be able to tell them that you are a witch with superhuman powers who just happens to slay demons and vampires on the side, I’m thinking I’m going to be marrying that woman and said woman will have to be someone who can understand my relationship with you. As well as with Spike.”

“Spike, huh? Has he been over during the orgies?”

“He is a great guest.”

Buffy grinned and then frowned. “No, I don’t like that idea.”

“Not to worry, Spike would never.”

She nodded and bit her lip. “Giles, do you—do you trust him now?”

Giles took off his glasses and began to clean them on his sweater. “What Spike did set him back in my esteem a great deal. I had my reservations about him in the beginning, but he proved himself to be a help. He also proved to care about your welfare and desired to be your friend. He tried his best to prove not only to me, but to you as well that he was a white hat and cared deeply for you.”

“Something I took for granted many times,” she said guiltily.

“Yes, I daresay you did. That however gave him no right to take the choice from you on whether or not to be his mate.”

“Do you think we would have eventually ended up in that place?”

Giles sighed, “I daresay that yes, I believe that eventually it would have.”

“I told Spike that I thought so too,” she admitted, nodding. “I think that’s part of the reason I went away for so long. To avoid the inevitable. Maybe try to have a life that wasn’t so Spike-centered.”

“And now?”

“Now things have changed. I feel as close to him as I used to before I left.”
“You must feel more than that? Otherwise you wouldn’t have spent so long—what’s the term?—sucking face? With him last night.”

She buried her face in her hands, “Giles! You knew about that?”

He laughed, “I heard you when you first arrived home—outside—and then I heard you enter the home. The length of time was great. I naturally assumed you were doing more than talking.”

“You know what they say about assuming.” She said cheekily.

“What?”

“When you assume, you make an ass out of you and me!” She giggled as Giles processed it and then shook his head. He filed it away for later though.

“You don’t have to tell me about your relationship with Spike as far as romantic feelings are concerned if you do not feel comfortable doing so. As long as he is not harming you and instead helping and protecting you, that is all I need to know.”

“I know, Giles.”

“However, if you do feel you need someone older and I hope wiser to help you or give advice, I would be happy to do so.”

“Thank you, Giles. I know, Giles.”

He smiled and nodded. He looked down at the carpet and silence ensued.

“So, is there anything you’d like to share?” He asked.

“Subtle, Giles, real subtle.”

“Well, I know that things have changed drastically from when you left, came home, he bit you and now.”

“Yeah, I know. I’m all about drastically changing my feelings at the drop of a hat,” she responded dryly.

“I won’t entirely argue with that.”

“Hey!”

“You said it first.”

She pouted, “yeah, I know. Admitting you have a problem is the first step.”

“Well, in all fairness, you did have a right to your harsh feelings toward him.”

“Thank you.”

“And now?”

She sighed. “Is it all right to say ‘I don’t know’?”

“Do you honestly not know?”

“I’ve been trying not to think about it.”

“Why?”

“Because when I think about things too much, stuff happens. For once I didn’t want to analyze, I just wanted to feel.”

“It just so happens that’s what I’m asking—how you feel.”

“Yes, I know Mr. Smarty Pants. But, in order to process how I feel, I have to think about it.”

“We’re not getting anywhere.”

“I’m aware. Okay, how do I feel about Spike? He’s my best friend, he’s sexy, he’s sweet, he loves me, he’s kind, he’s possessive and easily jealous. He protects me with all he is and sometimes it’s as if he worships me. Sometimes, he overwhelms me. When I’m with him, it’s like the world falls away and it’s just us. I look in his eyes and I melt. I find I’m unreasonably jealous of any girl that hits on him. I suppose I’m also envious of Drusilla because I find myself asking about her a lot. I don’t necessarily compare myself to her, but Spike then compared to Spike now. Her Spike and My Spike. He seems to think that Her Spike would have loved me anyway. I have my doubts.

I feel completely at ease with him. He’s seen the best and worst of me and still loves me. I’ve seen the best and worst of him and I still trust him. Is that wrong? Is it sick? I care for him a great deal and don’t want to hurt him any more than I already have. I missed him while I was gone and I felt so awful for how I hurt him when I came back. Not that I’m excusing how he chose to react to that. I don’t think I’m fully in love with Spike yet, but I think I’m on my way. How is that?”
Giles nodded, processing what she said. “I think you do love him. I think a part of you always has. It’s just a matter of letting your head catch up with your heart. Sometimes we have a way of talking ourselves out of things we’re afraid or unsure of.”

“So what you’re saying is that by feeling instead of thinking, I’m in fact following my heart and loving him, but when I start to think about it, I stop myself and second guess myself?”

Giles smiled at her astuteness. “Exactly.”

She chewed her lip thoughtfully. “So, should I continue feeling and not thinking or try to incorporate both?”

“What do you feel is right?”

“I think it would be best to continue how we are for now. Going slow is working for me. Having to think about it too much will make me run for the hills.”
“Then concentrate on that. The rest will eventually fall into place.”

“One can only hope.”

“Spike is a patient man. Has to be, when it comes to you—“
“Again with the ‘hey!’”

“He’s waited a long time for him to matter to you.”

“He’s always mattered to me, Giles,” she pointed out softly.

“Except you were too thick-headed to let him know that. You pushed him away something awful for a long time.”

“I know. And when I came back seeking his company he took me back with open arms.”

“He loves you.”

“Really? I thought that was just a rumor.”

“No reason to get snarky.”

“Aside from the fact that it’s so much fun.”

“You should let him know some of these things. He deserves to know. Give him as much as you can handle for right now. Just keep it in the back of your mind that one day, he’s going to need it all.”

She sighed heavily. “I find myself saying this a lot with you, but I know.”

“I imagine you have plans with Spike this evening?”

“I do. I don’t know what he has planned for me yet.”

“Well, don’t forget your key. I promise not to notice when you suck face.”

She laughed and hugged him warmly: Daughter to her Father.

“Thank you for everything Giles.” She murmured against him and then bounded off to her mother’s.

Chapter Seventeen

On her way to Spike’s after a teary, yet happy meeting with her mother, Buffy felt restless. Actually, it was the feeling of sudden foreboding that had her feeling restless. Something was coming. She could feel it in her gut. She just wasn’t sure what it was. Perhaps she wasn’t meant to.

She was mulling it over when she arrived in front of Spike’s door. She didn’t have a chance to say hello, however, when the door flung open and Spike vaulted himself at her. He peppered her face with kisses and all she could do was giggle.

“Miss me?” She asked coyly.

“Always when you’re not with me. And even sometimes when you are.”

She looked up at him questioningly.

“When you hide inside yourself and I can’t reach you.”

“I promise to be better at that.”

The smile he gave her was one of gratitude. “Thank you, pet.”

She nodded. She wanted to tell him what he meant to her, but the words were trapped in her throat and now was not the time.

“Um, I didn’t know what to wear so I dressed somewhere between casual and dressy.” She told him, pulling away.

He took a step back and observed as she opened her black pea coat. She had decided on black boot cut pants and a red and white speckled blouse. It fitted to a V at her chest and she saw that Spike was trying not to stare at her cleavage.

“So subtle,” she giggled. “Just like a man.”

If he could have blushed he would have. Instead he ducked his head. “Right then,” he tossed her a sheepish smile which was just the cutest smile ever.
”It’s perfect for what I have planned. So now I need to go change.”

“What do you have planned?” She asked, following him to his bedroom.

“Not tellin’”

“Oh, come on Spike! You know I hate to wait! You know I hate surprises!”

“I also know that you’re full of it. Except for the waitin’ part. So, unless you want to help me change, I suggest you stay here.”

She stopped at his door and glared at his back.

“Glarin’ isn’t gonna help!” He yelled through the closed door.

She stuck out of her tongue.

“Neither is stickin’ out that lovely tongue!”

“Oh for crying out loud!” And she stomped away, hearing his laughter through the door.

When he came out, finally, her mouth went dry at the sight of him. He wore navy blue cargo pants, light blue button down and a navy tie. He wore his short leather jacket over the ensemble and Goddess, he was gorgeous. The blue in his shirt brought out the blue in his eyes and she knew if she tried, she’d get lost in them.

Oh God, she was nervous. And feeling shy. With Spike. This would not do at all.

“You all right, luv?” He asked, cocking his head to the side.

“Yeah, why?”

“Your heartbeat is racin’.”

“Well, you shouldn’t be listening!”

He was taken back by her outburst. “I can’t help that I hear it. Super hearing and all that comes with the vampire gig.”

“Yeah, I know,” she muttered.

“What is it?”

“Nothing,” she shook her head and looked at the ceiling. “God, it’s nothing.”

“Nothing huh?”

She shook her head. “You um, you look really nice.” Her face had to be beat red by now. Had to be.

He grinned, “thank you, pet. Have I told you how gorgeous you look?”

“No, you were too busy checking out my rack.”

He burst out in laughter, grabbed her and embraced her. He softly kissed her lips and looked down at her. “Well, you look gorgeous. You could wear a paper bag and look gorgeous. Beautiful. You always do you know.”

“No, I didn’t, but thanks,” she murmured.

He kissed her again, leaving her dazed. He broke apart and produced a navy blue scarf.

“Kay, haven’t had sex yet, so not so much into the kinky.”

He laughed again and shook his head. “No, luv, I want to surprise you. Which means, I want to blindfold you so you don’t know where we’re going until we get there.”
She hesitated.

“Trust me,” there was a slight begging in his tone.

“I do,” she told him. “I just like to be aware of my surroundings. That whole control thing I have.”

“Don’t I know it. Can’t wait to see where else—“ At her quirked eyebrow, he stopped abruptly. “Please?”

“You’re lucky you’re cute,” she told him and turned around so he could tie the scarf around her eyes.

He chuckled as he pressed his chest against her. The contact sent shivers down her spine. He placed a tender kiss on the back of her neck and she trembled. He tied it tight enough to hide her eyes, but loose enough to be comfortable. He spun her around.

“Okay, luv?”

She nodded.

“Off we go, then. Hold on to me, I’ll guide you.
She giggled, “the blind leading the blind.”

“Hey!”

She was starting to get fidgety and Spike knew he couldn’t keep the blindfold on much longer. She had been a good sport about it until now. She was surprised when he actually used his car and had commented that they must be going someplace far away to be using it. She had even tried to keep track of where they could be going by the turns he took. He laughed at her attempts, and she pouted.

When they finally arrived, he led her out of the car and she could sense the huge crowd among them. She clung to him like a frightened child.

“Okay, we’re inside…someplace,” she declared. Spike could tell she was stretching out her feelers to try and figure out where she was.

He wanted to keep this up until the last possible minute, but couldn’t do it any longer. Instead he found the perfect spot and told her to stand still.

He stood beside her, not wanting to miss her reaction for anything.

“Spike? I’m feeling really weird right now.”

“Okay, luv. I’m taking it off now.” He reached behind her head and quickly undid the blindfold. It slid away and her eyes fluttered open and then took a moment to focus. When they did, they focused on a poster of Phantom of the Opera, her favorite show he got tickets for. Her jaw dropped and her eyes went wide. She started to gesture. From him to her to the poster and all over again.

“Do you like it?”

“Like it? Like it? Oh my Goddess, Spike, I love it!” She lunged at him, wrapping her arms around his neck and attacked his face with kisses. He wrapped his arms around her waist and enjoyed the attack. He was smiling broadly and tried a few times to meet her lips, but she evaded him. Then, finally, she pressed her mouth to his in the most beautiful kiss he’d ever received from anyone.

It was full of love. He could taste it, feel it. He longed to hear her say it, but knew it was going to take some time.

“Oh!” She stopped suddenly. “We have to go! Do you have the tickets? When did you get them? How did you get them? How did you know about this? How long have you had this planned?”

He laughed at her tirade and kissed her squarely on the nose. “I will be happy to answer all questions as soon as we get our tickets and find our seats.”

She nodded and smiled brightly as he led her through the crowd to the box office where they were holding his tickets.

“I’ve been waiting forever to see this again,” she said wistfully as they sat down in their seats. Not the nosebleed, either. She couldn’t seem to take her eyes off the stage and Spike was beaming with how happy made her.

“I had sudden inspiration,” he told her softly.

She turned to him, her eyes weapy, but a happy weapy. “Thank you so much Spike.”

“You’re welcome, luv.”
“I want to tell you that I—“ She stopped as the lights dimmed and the music began to play.

If Spike’s heart could beat he swore it would have burst out of his chest. Was there a confession coming? Was she going to tell him that she loved him? The moment was lost and Spike sighed, needlessly. She sought out his hand and entwined their fingers. He stared down at their joined hands and smiled.

She was a puddle by the time the show was over. She was a happy, mushy, gooey puddle of happiness and Spike was the cause of it. They capped of the night with a drink and she got the chance to tell him about her permanent situation with Giles. He agreed that it made more sense, though part of him did wonder if it was purely for selfish reasons that Giles kept her there.

“Home?” He asked as they left the pub.

She nodded slowly. Something was on her mind, he could tell. He didn’t want to press it. He wanted her to feel comfortable enough to come to him and tell him things. At one time she told him everything. Somewhere along the way, she had stopped and now she was slowly opening up to him again. It was imperative they get back that level of intimacy and comfort.

When they arrived at Giles’s, her new home, she turned to him. “Spike, I wanted to tell you something.”

“What is it, pet?” He waited patiently as she worried her bottom lip and refused to meet his eyes.

“I’m not really good at saying how I feel.”

“Take your time.”

She looked up at him and took a deep breath, “Spike, I want you to know, that you mean a lot to me. And it’s not because of tonight or yesterday or because you helped me when that gang was after me. It was before too. I know that I treated you deplorably.” She started to pace in front of him. “We were so close there for a while and then I pushed you far away and ten I let you back in, though not all the way. I really believe that I left for England for a year because I somehow knew deep down that you and I were destined for something. I ran away from everything because I was tired and scared. I still am, I’m not going to lie to you. I know that right now we’re headed towards something and it’s not because I feel obligated to you because of the claim. Like I said, I know that sooner or later we would head in to this place.

Despite how much I pushed you away, you’ve always been my best friend, the one person I can count on. And, despite how much it may have seemed that you weren’t worthy of me, it’s not the case. If anything, I’m not worthy of you. I didn’t ask for you to be in my life, you just kind of came and stayed. You didn’t ask for me either and you’ve had to put up with a lot of crap from me. You’ve never failed to tell me the many times I’ve given you heart failure despite the fact that your heart doesn’t beat. I figure that must be pretty bad considering you seem to have the patience of a saint when it comes to me.

I care about you a lot Spike. You’ve been there for me through almost everything: High school, vampires, magic, proms, boyfriends and my temper tantrums.

I missed you while I was gone. You may not believe that and I don’t blame you if you don’t, but I did. A lot. I just wanted to prove to myself that I didn’t need you, that I only needed me and the so called normal life I wanted. I am just starting to accept that I’m not ever going to be normal. You’ve never lied to me about that, Spike. You know that I’m not normal and that I never will be. But you don’t make me feel like the freak I feel like sometimes. Instead you make me feel loved and you make me feel special. You know all about me and don’t just love me because I’m some kind of Wonder Woman. You love all of me and that is what matters most.

You mean so much to me, Spike. I know without you in my life, I’d be lost. I…I wanted you to know that.”

Spike could only stare at her in a mixture of shock, tenderness and joy. He reached for her and swept her in his arms. “Thank you, thank you, thank you,” he whispered softly against her ear.

“You don’t have to thank me,” she replied softly, “it’s just how I feel.”

He cupped her face in his hands and gazed into her eyes. His own had tears in them and he didn’t care. Never had he felt so complete and so whole in his whole life. It was all because of her.

“I love you,” he whispered before kissing her softly. She clung to him and kissed him back with all she had and he felt undone.

Chapter Eighteen

“Spike, do you ever miss your family and friends?” She asked, breaking the silence that had been comfortably between them as they lay under the blanket of stars on a nearby pier. The lapping of the waves against the posts had been the only noise for about a half hour.

He continued to stare up at the sky as he answered. “Yes, at times. I don’t try to think about it too much.”

“Did you want to turn your family after you were?”

“No. Soul or no, I didn’t want to do that.”

“If you could have turned one, who would it have been?”

“My mother. She was my best friend.”

“Is my mom anything like her? Is that why you love my mom so much?”

Spike nodded. “She’s very much like my mother.”

“Maybe she was, maybe she was reincarnated. That would make me your sister.”
He smiled. “Maybe not then.”
“Wouldn’t it be cool if we knew each other?”

“Before or after I was turned?”
“Any time. I could have been someone you passed by on the street, or met someplace. A nameless random person. Maybe subconsciously we clicked because we knew it.”

“Given this a lot of thought, have you?” He asked, turning his head to look at her.

She smiled. “Wouldn’t it be cool though?”

“Something tells me that if I knew you, I wouldn’t have let you go.”

“That’s sweet, thank you.”
“Just the truth, luv.”

“Spike, you could call my mother ‘mom’ if you wanted. She would love it. She considers you the son she never had.”

“Bloody great woman, your mom,” Spike whispered, wiping away tears he hadn’t known had formed.

She knew though. She scooted herself closer, turned to her side and wrapped an arm across him, resting her head on his shoulder.

“You know if you ever want to talk about them, you can. I would love to know more about you back then. About your family and all those people whom you grew up with,” she told him.

“Thank you pet.”

“I’m glad you were turned, Spike.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because even if we had met before, we were meant to be together now. You’re my best friend and if you hadn’t been turned, I might never have known you.”

Her words touched him deeply and he let the fat tears drop without care.

“I’m glad Whistler brought you to me. I don’t like to think of you all alone and lonely. Makes me sad.”

He was so overwhelmed by the love and care he felt coming for her that he didn’t know what to say. That seemed all right by Buffy. She instinctively knew and she hugged him tighter, and left a kiss on his tear- stained cheek. “I won’t ever leave you, Spike.” She whispered her promise.

“Where is my mate?” Spike barged through the door and demanded of Giles.

Giles looked up, startled and then annoyed at Spike. “Excuse me?”

“My mate, where is she?”

Giles frowned, “She told me she was on her way to see you.”

“Well, she’s not with me!” Spike barked. “I have a bad feeling. I can’t tell what’s happening to her.”

“I thought the binding was supposed to tell you if she were in danger?”

“It is unless she doesn’t feel she is in danger. I won’t be able to clearly know until she claims me back. God, I can’t tell what’s happening to her. I feel her mark calling to me. I got a brief tinge of danger, and then it all but disappeared. I haven’t felt her since.”

“Perplexing.”

“Quite. How long ago did she leave?”

Giles looked up at the clock and paled considerably. “Two hours ago.”

Spike bolted out the door, Giles following close behind.

Spike was concentrating, sending out his feelers and calling to her mark. He was getting a fuzzy message if best. It was frustrating him and worrying him. He started and stopped many times on the path he felt she was at. Giles seemed to understand that now was not the time to speak and instead followed Spike as best he could. Spike knew the man was worried himself.

Then Spike was able to pick up the scent of his mate and the signal. He also picked up the familiar scent of the woman he had spent over a century with. The same woman Buffy asked him about, the same woman he had left so long ago. He nearly choked on what he would find. Standing before a crypt, he turned to Giles.

“What is it?” Giles whispered.

Spike put up his hand to silence him. He gestured for Giles to stay put and Giles adamantly shook his head. Spike nodded and Giles still refused. Seeing this was a losing battle, he pointed the pentacle Giles wore. Giles nodded, seeming to understand Spike meant for him to use it as protection.

Spike opened the crypt door and nearly retched at the sight before him as Giles screamed “Buffy, Stop!”

There she was, laying on the cold crypt floor, bloody and beaten. In her hand she held a knife and she held it to her forearm, cutting herself. She was halfway up, when Spike sprinted across the room and grabbed the knife from her. She passed out and Spike let out a battle cry.

“Oh, Spikey. You came too early. Didn’t let mommy finish gutting your sweet pixie like a fish.” Drusilla, in all her regal morbidness stood before him with a twisted smile on her pretty face.

“Why—how?” He managed to sputter.

“I missed you, my boy. I heard you were fighting demons with your shiny new soul. Heard you were taking up with a witch, helping her. I had to come and right that wrong.”

Spike shook his head, “you’re right, Dru.” The words choked him. He knelt down to his mate and took in her state. She needed a hospital. A sob choked him and he turned to Dru.

“You put her in a thrall.”

Dru nodded. “I did. Not easy to do with that one. Let me finish her off, Spikey. Then we go away again. Together.”

Spike shook his head. “The way it was always meant to be?”

“Of course my love.”

Spike stood and slowly made his way to her. He forced a small smile and prowled over to her.

She smiled broadly as he did so. “Will you let me finish? Will you run with me, my love?”

He nodded slowly and opened his arms. Dru gleefully flew into them. She purred against his neck and Spike nodded to Giles. Giles came out of his stupor of the spectacle before him and threw Spike a stake. With a swift flick of his wrist, Spike slammed the stake into his ex and watched her body dissolve into dust. Quickly, he turned and Giles joined him on the floor next to Buffy.

“Buffy, talk to me, pet. Please talk to me, luv.” Spike said softly as he checked for a heartbeat. It was faint, but there.

“Hospital,” Giles managed to croak.

As gently as he could, Spike swung her into his arms and whispered soothing words and words of love to her as he carried her to Giles’s car. Tears fell freely from his eyes and he made no notice of them as he beheld her broken, bloody body. He prayed for the first time in a long time to whatever God/dess would listen to him.

At the hospital, he flatly refused to leave her side and stayed in the room never taking his eyes off her. The nurses watched him sympathetically. She needed stitches, blood and fluids. In his haze he heard the doctor and Giles speak. He knew the doctor wanted to know how it happened and Giles quickly came up with a story. Spike didn’t even care, all he cared about was his sweet girl. She had to stay over night and Spike told the doctor he was staying. When he protested, the fangs came out and the doctor sputtered to the nurses to bring in an extra cot. Giles told him it would be difficult come sunup, but Spike didn’t care. Giles shut the curtains and watched as his witch lay in a deep sleep, an IV hooked up to her, stitches up her arm, bruises covering her other arm, and a black eye. He watched as her mate sobbed against the hand he held, all the while whispering how much he loved her, needed her and couldn’t make un life without her. Giles stayed until Spike fell into restless sleep and allowed himself the cry he had been holding in for Buffy and her mate.

Chapter Nineteen

“Hey Joyce, how’s the patient doing?” Spike asked as Joyce ushered him inside her home. Joyce had called him earlier that day to tell him that Buffy would be unable to meet him that night for a movie. The poor girl had come down with a nasty flu over night.

“She’s…not well. Miserable really. And bored to tears. She hardly slept last night and can’t seem to sleep today.”

Spike sniffed the air, “that chicken noodle soup I smell?”
Joyce nodded and smiled. “Making her lunch.”

Spike grinned. “May I?”

“Of course.”

Smiling, Spike scooped some soup, grabbed some crackers and made his way to Buffy’s bedroom.

He rapped lightly on the door and heard a muffled, congested “come in”. He opened the door and found her staring blankly at the TV, lying on her side. Tissues were all over the place, a cup of water and mug of tea on her nightstand. She was snuggled under the covers, her hair pulled back in a pony tail, her nose and eyes red.

“Hey, pet. How are you feeling?”

She jumped at the sound of his voice and scrambled to a sitting position. “Spike, what are you doing here?”

“Came to take care of the patient.”

She pouted. “Really?” There was slight whine to her voice.

He nodded. Setting the bowl down on her nightstand, he sat across from her on the bed. “What happened, kitten?”

“I think too much patrol and staying up late to do homework. I ran myself down. I blame you.”

“Me? How can you blame me?”

“Because you’re the one who keeps me out so late.”

“It’s all you missy, I have nothing to do with it. You look like shit.”

“Gee, thanks. Hello, I’m sick!”

“I brought you some chicken noodle soup.”

“Sounds good. I could use some healing.” She went to reach for the bowl, but he swatted her hands away. “Okay, so now I can’t eat it?”

“I’m going to feed it to you.”

“Really?” She pouted again.

He nodded and picked up the bowl. Lifting the spoon he held it to her mouth. “Now open up like a good girl.”

She giggled and opened her mouth. He fed her until the bowl was gone. “You look tired.” He noted as he set the bowl down.

“I am. I can’t seem to fall asleep though.”

“I think I know what might work,” he told her. He gestured to the bed. “May I?”

She looked startled, “what are you going to do?”

“Sleep next to you, pet.”

“How is that going to help me sleep?”

“Would you just give me a chance here?”

“All right, all right, all right.”

He climbed under the covers with her, making sure to put a blanket between their bodies so that she wouldn’t get cold. She lay down, facing him and looked up at him patiently. “ Okay. Now what?”

“Turn around.”

She did as she was told, without question which surprised him. When she had rolled over, he pulled her against him. He ran his fingers lightly down her arm and put his arm against her stomach. “Close your eyes.”
She dutifully closed her eyes and he began to purr. She smiled, her eyes still closed and within minutes she was asleep. The door opened slowly and quietly. Joyce stood in the doorway.

Spike put his finger to his lips in the gesture of “sshhh”

“Thank you,” Joyce mouthed to him and shut the door. Spike closed his own eyes and followed her into slumber.

Giles wasn’t surprised to find that Spike had not left the next morning.

“How is she?”

Spike looked up at Giles, his eyes red and puffy from crying so much. “She’s all right. The doctor said she’s going to be fine. She might be released by tomorrow. She needs rest. I’m staying with her, Rupert.”

“I figured as much, Spike. You can’t let her see you like this.”

“I know, I just—I keep thinking about if we hadn’t made it in time,” Spike broke off.

Giles sighed, “I know. I keep thinking that too. I keep seeing the image of her with the knife in her hand—I can’t stop seeing it.”

“I vowed to protect her always. I vowed to keep her safe. I failed her. I failed her twice,” Spike whispered.

“Twice?”

“When I claimed her. It was brutal. I hurt her and I promised to never do that.”

“You can’t dwell on that now. She forgave you for that already. She needs you now. Who knows what she remembers when she wakes up.”

As if on cue, Buffy stirred. “Spike?”

“I’m here, baby,” Spike said gently to her, rushing to her side and gently caressing the side of her face.

“I’ll get the doctor,” Giles said and went after said doctor.

“How do you feel, luv?”

“I hurt. What happened to me?” Her eyes fluttered open and she winced. “My head is pounding. Why am I in a hospital?”

“You don’t remember anything, pet?”

“I—I don’t know. I can’t think—my head.”

“Giles is getting the doctor, luv. Just rest. Close your eyes sweetheart.”

He could see tears spring to her closed lids. “What’s wrong with me?”

“Sweetheart, you need to relax. You’re going to make yourself worse.”

“Worse than what?” She was nearing a panic. She popped her eyes open, winced again and then looked down at herself. She turned white when she saw her arm. “What happened to me?” She whimpered and collapsed against the bed. Her eyes started to flutter and she passed out again.

“Buffy! No, sweetheart, please don’t leave me. Sweetheart—“

“What happened?” The doctor demanded.

“She was awake. She didn’t remember what happened to her and when she saw her arm, she passed out. She kept complaining about her head. It hurt. Can you give her something, please?”

The doctor checked her vitals, sent a nurse to get her some painkillers in her IV and told the men he’d be back in hour to check on her again.

Spike took residence next to her as Giles went to get something to eat and drink. Spike watched her as she slept and marveled at how fragile she seemed considering all the power she had within her. She’d been through a lot in the past couple months that she’d been back from her holiday. He was surprised that she hadn’t taken off again. He was even more amazed that she hadn’t staked him for what he did.

Taking her hand with the good arm in his, he kissed her palm softly. “I love you,” he told her.

“Spike,” she murmured.

“I’m here, luv. Come back to me, sweetheart. Let me see those beautiful green eyes of yours.”

Her eyes fluttered open and her eyebrow furrowed.

“Does your head hurt, pet?”

She shook her head. “Nothing hurts. What did they give me?”

“Painkillers.”

“What happened to me, Spike? Was I in a fight?”

“Do you remember anything at all?”

“I remember I left home to run some errands and then to see you. I was on my way to the bank when I heard this woman screaming. I was running as fast as I could to her. I ended up in an alley and there was this woman on the ground, crying. I went up to her and—and that’s all I remember. What happened to me?”

“It was Drusilla.”

She blinked at him, “what?”

“Drusilla. She—she put you in thrall.”

“She put me—she hypnotized me?”

Spike nodded, unable to find words at the horror on her face.

She looked down at her arm, the angry red gash. “She cut me?”

“No, pet.”

“Then why do I have this on my arm?”

“She made you do it.” He whispered.

“To myself?”

Spike nodded.

Her eyes welled up in tears. “What else did she do to me?”

“She hurt you, all over. There’s bruises. When you were late, I went to find you. Giles and I—we went to find you.”

“Couldn’t you sense I was in trouble?”

“It was faint. With the thrall she had you in, it didn’t register that you were in danger. You didn’t sense it, therefore I couldn’t.”

“I take it she knows about us.”

Spike nodded.

“Is she dead?”

Spike nodded, “I dusted her. Told you I would if she threatened you.”

She snorted. “I’d say she did more than threaten me. What else is wrong with me?”

“You suffered blood loss and a concussion. Pet, I’m so sorry.”

“Why? Because it was your ex? Not the first one that’s wanted to kill me, certainly won’t be the last.”

He stared at her. A minute ago, she was in tears. Now, she acted glib about it.

“I’ll never get used to the death threats against you,” he told her.

“No? You should. This—“ she held up her arm. “Will probably be a lot worse one day. One day, I might not even have an arm. Hell, one day…I’ll just die. If Drusilla were smart, she would have had me cut myself the other way—“

“Stop talking like that!” Spike shouted at her, bolting up from his place next to her. He looked down to see tears spilling silently down her cheeks.

“What’s going on in here?” Giles stood in the doorway.

Buffy gave in to her tears at the sight of him and he rushed to her side, enveloping her in his arms. Spike just stared at her in shock and horror at how casual she made the whole thing sound.

“I want to go home,” she sobbed into Giles’ chest.

“Yes dear, I know. I’ll talk to the doctor. We’ll see if you can go home soon,” Giles said soothingly.

They sat that way for a long time and she fell asleep again against Giles. The man lowered her down upon the bed and took in her sleeping form with unshed tears.

“What happened in here?” He demanded of Spike. “Making her upset won’t help.”

Spike told him their exchange and Giles paled considerably.

“She’s deeply troubled from what happened,” Giles muttered. “It’s easier for her to handle it as if it’s outside herself, as if it’s happened to someone else. It’s her way of coping.”

“I don’t want her to have to cope with it, Giles. I don’t want her to have to deal with any of this,” Spike said vehemently.

“It’s the life she was chosen for, unfortunately.”

“No, she was not Chosen. The Slayer is the Chosen One. Buffy…she just happens to be some girl with powers—“

“Just like Superman and Spiderman. They didn’t have to fight the forces of evil, but they felt they had no choice. That’s how she feels as well. It’s how you feel as well, isn’t it?”

“I do have a choice, Rupert. Whistler offered me the choice and I took the one that was her. Because I loved her. She has a choice too, she always has a choice. And I want her to take the choice to live. You know, she once berated herself for taking off to Europe instead of staying here and fighting the fight. I thought when she left that she was selfish. I don’t think that anymore. I now think it was bloody brilliant of her. Look at her, Rupert! Do you realize what could have—I’m taking her away. I’m taking her back there and I won’t let her fight another demon or vampire, ever. She wasn’t a coward for leaving, she was fighting for her life. This…this is killing her. I won’t let her do it any longer. I won’t let her die.”

“She’s the one that has to make that choice, Spike.”

“Listen to yourself—do you want her to stay and die?” He was incredulous.

“Of course not, you stupid vampire. I love her—she’s the daughter I never had.”

“Then don’t you want what’s best for her?”

“I always have. But it’s been made very clear to me in the past that it’s not my place to decide it. It’s hers. You saw how devastated she was by the Slayers death. If she let innocent people die because she didn’t help them, that would kill her too.”

“I’ll fight them all. Not her, not anymore.”

“She wouldn’t let you risk yourself either.”

“Too bad.”

“Spike, I think right now, you need to let her rest. You should take her away for a holiday. Take her away from here for a while and give her some time to rest. She’s had a lot happen to her in a very short time and I fear her mental state is beginning to suffer.”

“I’ll take her away, and I’ll let her decide if she wants to forever stay away. If I have to, I’ll find a way to convince her to do it.”

Chapter Twenty

“You want to what?” Buffy asked Spike a week later as he sat before her on the coffee table.

“I want to us to go away for a bit. You loved England so much, we’ll go back. I’ll give you the tour as I know the place.” He grinned at her, trying to gain her excitement. The past week had been nothing if not difficult. Her recovery physically had gone well. The gash on her arm was healing progressively and showed signs of minimal scarring. The bruises on her body were fading and while she slept more than usual, she was healing. In other ways, however, she was distant. Spike had practically settled himself into Giles’ with her, but she had sent him home. It had hurt him to the core, but he respected her wishes to be alone. She barely spoke to either man, and oftentimes she was short with them. She barely let Spike touch her, and wouldn’t touch him. She was treating him the same as when she’d distanced herself from him before and it tore him up inside. Spike was hoping that bringing up taking a much needed vacation would brighten her spirits and perhaps help her come out of the shell she seemed to have erected around herself.

She looked at him, devoid of emotion. “So, it’s okay for me to shirk my responsibilities as long as I’m with you. But, it’s not okay to do that when I’m not with you.” She picked up her book and looked at it, not meeting his gaze any longer. “I’m not going away, Spike. But if you feel the need to, trust me, I understand.”

Angrily, he took the book from her hands and flung it across the room.

“Hey!” She shouted angrily at him and bolted up to get it.

He grabbed her wrist, tightly enough to stop her and yet not hurt her. “What is going on with you?” He demanded.

“Well, I’m a tad irritated by the fact that because you suddenly feel the need to get away, it’s okay to leave. But when I left, I got shit for it. No wait, I got bit for it!”

He looked at her as if she had just slapped him. “I just wanted to get away with you, let you rest somewhere where you’re happy and relaxed—“

“I can’t go away. Can’t shirk my responsibilities remember? You were the first one to harp on me about that.”

“I was wrong.”

She let out a bitter laugh, “really? What made you decide that? When I was almost gutted like a fish by my own hand?”

“I told you long ago that I was wrong for thinking you were selfish for that. I told you that you are the most caring person I’ve ever met—“

“Well, I care enough to stay and fight the good fight that you’re always talking about. Just because you feel a certain whimsy to get away from it—“

“I feel a certain whimsy to get you away from it,” he told her sharply.

“Doesn’t matter where you go or what you do to get away from it. No matter what you do or where you go—no matter how far you go—every time you turn around, there you are. You’ve been telling me all this time about accepting my destiny. Now that I have, you can’t.”

“I can’t stand to see you hurt!”

“I’ve been hurt before, how is now any different?”

“This is the first time you’ve ever been hospitalized for it. This is the first time you—you—“

“That I could have died. And actually, it’s not the first time. There was the vampire gang before that and all the vampires and demons before them. I could have died at any time. I could have been hospitalized at any time. The only difference between this time and all those other times were you weren’t with me. You know what I think? I think you feel guilty.”

He hung his head in defeat.

“Well, don’t. You found me in time and I’m alive. You did your job.”

Spike looked up. “Is that all you think you are to me? A job?”

“Well, that’s the whole reason you’re here isn’t it? I mean, if Whistler hadn’t come along and introduced us, you wouldn’t be here.”

“I chose to be with you because I loved you. Not because you were a job to me.”

“You ever wonder what would have happened had you never met me? Or if there was some other girl he wanted you to protect? What if there was some other vampire for me to work with? I mean, what’s so special about us? Would you have fallen in love with some other girl? Was this the way it was meant to be because I’m a supergirl and you’re a vampire? Is it just a workplace thing? Is it even real? If I was just some normal girl with no powers would you still love me? Or is it the superpowers that really turn you on? Does a girl have to be strong in order to turn your head? Am I just hot for vampires? Or is it you? It occurs to me that I’ve never really given it a chance. I mean, yeah, I’ve dated, but I’ve never really tried ya know? I never thought there was a point to it. I always felt that somehow I belonged to you. Me Superpower, you Superpower, why would anyone else be needed? Well, you know what? I’m tired of living my life according to some plan. I don’t want to give anyone the chance to dictate to me anymore. It’s my life. I’m doing what I want, when I want and how I want from now on.”

He clenched his jaw. “What are you telling me here?”

“I’m saying that I think going away is a good idea.”

He blinked, “you do? We can—“

“No, Spike. I think you going away is a good idea.”

He touched his chest—did she just stake him? It felt like she did. He shook his head, “no, no. I won’t leave you.”

“You don’t have a choice this time. I don’t want you here.” Her voice sounded so devoid of emotion. It blinded him. He couldn’t see straight, if he needed to breathe, he would have passed out.

“You don’t mean that.”

“No? Why don’t we find out?”

“How can you say this to me? You know I love you. You’re not just super girl to me. You know that—“

“I’m really not in the mood to listen to your side right now,” and she turned away from him. “Let yourself out.”

He grabbed her arm, her good arm and tugged her forcefully to him.

“What are you going to do, Spike? Bite me?” She challenged him coldly.

He let her arm go. “I’m not leaving you. And I’m not letting you leave me.”

She shook her head and gave him a sympathetic smile. “Haven’t you figured it out yet? I’ve already left you.”

He shook his head. “You haven’t. Not yet.”

“Goodbye Spike.”

He started to go after her when a voice stopped him. “Let her go.”

The sound of the door closing signaling Buffy’s departure was the only noise in the room before Spike spun to Giles and screamed at him. “Are you trying to keep me from her now?”

“I’m trying to help you, actually.” Giles said calmly.

“How?”

“If you run out of here after her, you will not do anything but further anger her and push her away.”

Spike plopped down on the couch, defeated. “What’s going on with her? Why is she pushing me away like this? We were doing so well. She had feelings for me, she admitted she had feelings for me.”
“She loves you. She still does.”

“That certainly didn’t feel like she loved me!”

“She’s confused right now, Spike.”

“How can she be confused about how I feel about her?”

“She’s not. Deep down, she knows you really love her. And she loves you. She’s distancing herself to cope with what happened. It scared her more than she’s willing to let on.”

“I know it frightened her and I want to help.”

“She doesn’t want your help or mine. It just wasn’t the fact that she almost died that frightens her so much. It’s how it happened, that it was by her own hand—“

“That Dru toyed with her mind.”

“Right. That someone had that control over her.”

Spike shook his head, “and of course that reminds her of when I claimed her and forced myself on her.”

“I’m afraid so. She never did come to terms with her place as a girl who will never be normal. A lot has happened since she came home and hasn’t really had any time to adjust. First you, then the Slayer’s death, the vampire gang, you again and now Drusilla. It all came to a head when Dru attacked her. It frightens her to think that a demon could come along and toy with her like that. She feels as if she has no control over her life and it makes her angry. Therefore, she’s lashing out at everyone involved. She won’t barely speak to me either, Spike. Her coping method is to hide inside herself and shut the world out. In this way, she feels she’ll also protect everyone from getting hurt should anything happen to her.”

“So what do I do? Just wait until this rides itself out? I know she’s in pain and she won’t let me help. She wants me to leave.”

“No, she doesn’t. She thinks she does, but it would kill her if you did. Give her space, but be here in case she needs you. Don’t crowd her, but be around. It will reassure her that no matter how angry and hurt she is, you still love her. Offer your help to her, talk to her, don’t shut yourself out, but don’t force her into anything.”

“Is that what you’ve been doing?”

Giles nodded and sighed heavily. “She won’t talk about what happened and I won’t force her to talk about it. I told her that if she needed to talk about it, I would be here. She hasn’t approached me about it and I won’t push.”

Spike sighed heavily and leaned back against the couch. “If she goes out at night to patrol, I have to go with her. I can’t just let her go alone. Not when she’s like this.”

“As well you should. Just don’t be surprised by her anger when you do.”

“At least if she’s angry, she’s talking to me. That’s got to be better than her silence.”

Next