Confessions

Flashbacks are in italics.

Buffy was sitting in class not really listening to Willow talk about school. The first day of school sucks, Buffy thought to herself. Buffy nodded her head absently at timed intervals as Willow continued to drone on.

Finally, the professor walked into the classroom, and Willow stopped chattering. The professor set his briefcase on the table in front, and cleared his throat to get the classes attention. The talking quickly faded out, and the professor began.

"Welcome to Twentieth Century American Literature."

"I'm taking Twentieth Century American Literature?" Buffy asked Willow in a frantic whisper.

"You told me to register you in my classes," Willow whispered back.

"Oh right," Buffy mumbled thinking that was a bad idea.

"I'm going to pass out the syllabus now, and then go over it," the professor continued handing out the papers. "Please take a moment to look it over, and hold your questions till after I've gone over because more than likely I will have answered your question."

Buffy took the stack of syllabi offered to her from the boy in front of her. She took one, and handed them back to the girl behind her. Buffy's eyes scanned over the syllabus quickly. She groaned at the large amount of reading required for this class. I'm going to kill Willow, Buffy thought. Buffy froze in her perusal as a name jumped off the page at her. Heller, Joseph.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Buffy dropped her bag on the floor, and kicked off her shoes. She glanced at Spike lounging on the bed reading a book. Buffy tossed her jacket onto the chair, and slowly walked over to the bed.

When Spike didn't look up, Buffy eased her body on top of his. She sat straddling his waist playing with the waistband of his jeans. When Spike didn't so much as flinch, Buffy grabbed the book from his hands, and held it over her head out of his reach.

Spike reached for the book, but Buffy held it just out of his reach. Fed up, Spike grabbed her hips roughly, and growled, "Give it back."

"No," she answered annoyed by his obvious disinterest in her at the moment.

"Slayer," Spike said in a threatening tone.

Buffy glared at him before sliding off of him, and standing up. She tossed the book at this chest.

"What the hell are you reading, anyway?" Buffy asked as she slid out of her jeans.

Spike paused for a second to admire her legs before picking the book off his chest, and searching for his lost page.

"It's pretty obvious I'm reading a book," Spike answered glancing up to see Buffy pull her shirt over her head exposing her bare breasts.

Buffy tossed her shirt aside. She rolled her eyes, and crept closer to the bed completely nude.

"Catch 22? What's it about?" Buffy asked as she begins to gather her hair up in a bun.

"You should read it and find out," Spike half moaned as he watched Buffy twist her hair into a loose bun.

Spike lowered the book as he tried to control the raging desire boiling inside of him. Just the sight of her did this to him. He had wanted her the moment she climbed through the window. His body unconsciously reacted to her presence. He had tried to play it cool, and act disinterested, but the fact that she was completely naked made that difficult.

"I don't like to read."

"Figures. I know bacteria with more culture than you," Spike shot back trying to act like he didn't want to grab her, toss her on the bed, and slam into her until they both died.

"Hey, watch it buddy."

Buffy covered the distance between them, and stood by the bed with her hands on her hips. Spike turned his head, and instantly knew that it was a mistake. She was standing inches away from him, and any semblance of control that he had left immediately.

Spike grabbed her hips, but Buffy shoved him away. The look of shock, and disappointment on Spike's face didn't go unnoticed to Buffy as she crawled over him. She settled down next to him on the bed, and laid her head on his shoulder.

Spike looked down at her not having the faintest idea what she was up to. Buffy reached over, and grabbed the book off of Spike's chest. She held it out to him, and he looked at it in confusion.

"What?" he asked.

"Read," she demanded.

"What?" he repeated in shock.

"Read the book to me Mr. Culture."

"You're kidding right?"

"Nope. Start reading from the beginning," Buffy ordered.

Spike looked down at her, and sighed. He could tell she was serious, and he regretted opening his mouth, because now it was obvious he wasn't getting laid tonight.

Spike sighed before taking the book from Buffy's hands, and opening it to the first page.

"It was love at first sight," Spike read.

PART TWO

"Have the first five chapters read by the next class," the professor finished his lecture.

Buffy snapped out of her thoughts as the students began gathering their things, and shuffling out of class. Buffy collected her stuff in silence, and stood up.

"This class sounds okay, don't you think Buffy?" Willow asked.

"Yeah," Buffy responded as she glanced at her syllabus again. "A lot of reading."

"I know, but it's some great stuff. Fitzgerald, Hemingway, Kerouac, and look we get to read Catch 22. I've always wanted to read that."

"It's good," Buffy replied not really paying attention.

"You've read it?" Willow asked surprised.

"Uh yeah," Buffy answered hurriedly.

Buffy headed out of the classroom with Willow at her heals. They turned into the hallway, and Willow fell into step beside Buffy.

"When did you read Catch 22?" Willow asked curiously.

"This summer. I have to meet Riley in the cafeteria," Buffy rushed on trying to change the subject. "See ya Will."

Buffy hurried away trying to get away from Willow. She knew she had tripped up again, and lying to Willow was starting to hurt, and Buffy wasn't sure how much longer she could keep it up.

"Buffy wait," Willow shouted after her.

Buffy stopped, and turned around. Willow ran to catch up to her. "Are you all right?"

"I'm fine Will, really," Buffy reassured her.

"Then why are you running from me? What did I say?"

"Nothing. It's not you. I'm just late is all," Buffy lied.

"Late?" Willow said obviously not believing her.

"Will," Buffy started.

"Forget it Buffy. Have your secrets. Shut me out. Why should I expect my best friend to tell me the truth?"

Buffy flinched at Willow's words. They came out so full of anger, and hurt.

"Willow, I'm sorry. I'll tell you everything. I promise, but right now."

Willow cut her off. "You're late."

Tears sprang to Buffy's eyes. She never meant to hurt Willow like this. She never meant to have to lie to Willow. She thought things would just go back to normal. She never expected to love Spike, and not be able to forget him. She never thought her memories of him would haunt her every second, of every minute, of every day. She never thought that keeping the secret would be so hard, and hurt so many people. She never thought that not being with Spike would destroy her life.

"This summer I was with another guy," Buffy blurted out.

Willow froze at Buffy confession. Both shock, and relief washed over her face. Shock at Buffy's secret, but relieved that Buffy had finally told her.

"Buffy, I don't really know what to say."

"I know. I don't either."

"Why? Why did you keep it from me? You should know I'd never judge you," Willow asked.

"I know. It wasn't about that. I just wanted to forget. To move on. Talking about it is hard, and it's over."

"Riley?"

"He knows, and we worked it out. We're going to start over again. You know try to get to know each other," Buffy explained.

"Did you love him?"

"Riley?" Buffy asked.

"No, the guy this summer."

Buffy looked away from Willow as she thought about Spike. The answer to the question was simple, but admitting it out loud for the first time was hard. She couldn't take it back then, and if anyone ever discovered that it was Spike, Buffy didn't know what would happen, but she had to be honest with Willow.

"Yes," Buffy whispered.

"Oh Buffy," Willow sighed, and pulled her best friend into a hug. "I'm so sorry, but I'm glad you told me."

"So am I. I wanted to tell you the whole time, but it's just so confusing, and complicated. I just wanted to forget, and move on."

Buffy pulled away from Willow, and smiled. "I'm so sorry I lied."

"You're forgiven."

Buffy looked at her watch. "I should get going. Riley's waiting," Buffy said reluctantly.

"Buffy, is Riley who you want to be with?"

Buffy sighed. "Under the circumstances, yes."

"If you love this other guy, why not be with him?"

"It just can't be."

Willow knew Buffy didn't want to talk about it anymore, and she respected that though she wanted to know more. She just hoped that in time Buffy would open up, but Willow could see it hurt too much right now.

"Okay. Tell Riley I said hi."

"I will, and thank you Will."

"What are friends for?"

PART THREE

Buffy ran up the steps of her house, and threw open the front door.

"Mom," she shouted as she slowed down to a jog.

"In the kitchen honey," Joyce called back.

Buffy hurried into the kitchen, and threw her arms around her mother. "Buffy, it's so great to see you," Joyce laughed as she held Buffy. "You too, how was your trip? Why didn't you tell me you were coming home today, and why didn't you call to tell me to pick you up?" Buffy asked in an excited rush.

Joyce let Buffy go, and laughed, "One question at a time. My last meeting got canceled, and I had to hurry to catch the last flight that night. I just wanted to get home as soon as possible. I did call, but you weren't here. I figured you were in school, and it would be easier just to get a cab instead of bothering you to find a ride."

"Oh I got my license this summer," Buffy interrupted.

"Really? What brave soul taught you to drive?" Joyce asked in surprise.

"A friend, so how was your trip?" Buffy asked trying to steer the conversation back to her mother, and away from her summer.

"Fun, exhausting, and long. How was your summer?"

"Nice," Buffy replied with a cryptic smile.

"Were you bored," her mother asked trying to ferret out more information.

"Not really," Buffy replied nonchalantly.

"Buffy, I have to ask you something," Joyce started turning serious.

"Okay," Buffy said hesitantly.

"Mrs. Baker came over today to welcome me home, and mentioned that a young man had been living here all summer."

"Oh," Buffy uttered as she felt like the wind had been knocked out of her.

"At first I thought maybe it was Riley, but he was in Iowa, so I thought Angel."

"I didn't see Angel all summer," Buffy interrupted defensively.

"I know. Mrs. Baker said it was a blonde haired man."

"I can explain, Mom," Buffy pleaded as she searched her mind for a believable lie.

"Please Buffy, explain why Spike was living here?" Joyce demanded anger seeping into her words.

"Spike?" Buffy whispered not believing her mother knew.

"Yes, I figured it out. Blonde, long black coat, and only came out at night."

"Mom," Buffy started as she tried to think of something to say to calm her mother down.

"Why was Spike living here?" Joyce shouted.

"He needed a place to say," Buffy answered weakly.

"He needed a place to stay. That's your answer?"

"Mom, I don't know what to say," Buffy cried as tears start to fall down her face.

"Buffy, just tell me why?" Joyce asked softening her tone.

"I don't know what to say. It's complicated, and confusing."

"Buffy, were you with Spike?" Joyce asked.

Shock, and disbelief registered on Joyce's face as it all fell into place. She stared at Buffy's lowered head trying to comprehend what she was thinking. Buffy didn't answer her, and taking her silence as a confirmation, Joyce erupted.

"Buffy, Spike is a vampire, without a soul, who has tried to kill you, and your friends. What were you thinking?"

"I don't know," Buffy cried. "I can't talk about this."

Buffy ran out of the kitchen, and up the stairs to her room. She collapsed onto her bed sobbing. She never expected her mother to find out.

The door opened, and Joyce walked into the room. She sat next to Buffy, and brushed the hair from her face. Joyce rubbed Buffy's back as her body continued to shake from her uncontrollable sobs.

"Honey, I'm not angry. Just confused, shocked, and little upset. It's going to be all right," Joyce assured her in a soothing voice.

"No it's not," Buffy cried.

"Why not? I'm not mad. I promise."

Buffy sat up, and threw her arms around her mother. Joyce held onto Buffy tightly as she continued to cry. When her tears started to subside, Buffy choked out, "I'm so sorry."

"Why?"

"For everything. For being the slayer, for making you worry, for not being a normal daughter, for the whole Angel saga, for running away, and for Spike. I'm sorry for everything."

"Buffy never be sorry for who you are. I may get upset, and angry with you at times, but no matter what I love you. Nothing you could ever do will change that."

"Even loving a vampire," Buffy asked.

"Yes. I understand about Angel. I was never disappointed, just scared," Joyce assured her.

Buffy pulled away from her mother abruptly, and stared at the wall.

"You didn't mean Angel did you?" Joyce asked completely shocked by the revelation that Buffy loved Spike.

"Does it matter now?" Buffy asked quietly.

"Yes, it does Buffy."

"I thought you'd love me no matter what."

Joyce grabbed Buffy by the shoulders, and forced Buffy to look at her.

"I will love you no matter what, even if you love Spike, but Buffy, I'm your mother, and this worries me. No, it terrifies me. Do you understand what you are saying?"

"Yes I do," Buffy answered firmly.

"I'll be here for you no matter what, but Buffy think about the implications," Joyce urged.

"You don't have to worry. He's gone," Buffy replied as tears began to form in her eyes again.

"Oh Buffy," Joyce whispered before pulling her into another hug. "It'll be okay."

"Why do they always leave me?"

"I don't know," Joyce whispered.

Joyce cradled her daughter in her arms as she cried. Joyce was angry, scared, and disappointed in Buffy even though she told Buffy she wasn't. But even more than that she was concerned about how much Buffy was obviously hurting.

PART FOUR

Buffy walked back to her dorm room. She was exhausted. The confrontation with her mother had been emotionally draining. As much as her mother tried to convince her she wasn't mad, or disappointed, Buffy could see it in her eyes.

Buffy opened the door to her room. She had every intention of just collapsing into bed, and falling asleep. She walked into the room, and found Willow sitting on her bed waiting for her.

"Hey Buffy, how's your mom?"

"Great," Buffy replied.

Buffy walked to her dresser, and pulled out a pair of pajamas. She sat on her bed, and started untying her shoes.

"How was her trip?"

"Good. She's tired, but she had fun," Buffy answered struggling to untie a knot that had formed in her laces.

Buffy picked at the knot quickly growing frustrated. Buffy pulled harder on the laces, and ended up snapping one of them in half.

"Bloody hell," Buffy shouted as she tossed the broken strings on the ground.

Buffy looked up at Willow, and seeing the look of shocked recognition on her face, Buffy groaned. There was no way to avoid the whole truth now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Buffy was concentrating extremely hard on removing the splinter from her palm. She jabbed the tweezers into her flesh trying to extract the tiny sliver of wood.

"Bloody hell," she shouted as the tweezers dug further into her flesh drawing blood.

Buffy tossed the tweezers onto the floor in frustration. She heard him chuckling behind her.

"Sod off," she shouted picking up the tweezers again.

"Someone's got her knickers in a bunch," Spike commented coming around in front of her.

"Someone's going to have their knickers shoved down their throat if they don't shut up," Buffy threatened.

"You know I don't wear any."

Buffy just gave him a look before resuming her efforts to remove the splinter from her palm.

After awhile of digging, Buffy mutters, "Fuck."

"Let me help you," Spike offered sitting next to her.

"I got it," Buffy argued trying to move away from him, but Spike grabbed her hand.

He plucked the tweezers from her hand, and began working on getting the splinter out.

"What happened?" Spike asked.

"When?"

"Your splinter."

"Oh, I was making stakes," Buffy replied.

Buffy winced as Spike tugged the splinter out. Spike brought her palm to his lips, and gently kissed it.

"All gone luv. Feel better?"

Buffy nods. "Thanks."

"Anytime."

"So wanna watch the telly?" Buffy asked.

Spike laughed. "You're starting to talk like me."

"Leave it to you to warp my vocabulary, and pervert my behavior."

"Pervert your behavior?" Spike asked with a raised eyebrow. "I like the sound of that."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Buffy sighed before admitting barely above a whisper, "It was Spike."

"What?" Willow squeaked in disbelief.

"This summer. The guy I was with. It was Spike," Buffy said louder.

Willow just stared back at her, and Buffy tried to read the expression on her face. She couldn't see anything but shock. Finally, Willow found her voice, and simply asked, "Why?"

"I don't know. I was alone, confused, scared, and he was there. And I needed him. He made me see myself."

"Buffy, he's Spike."

"I know that, and it's over so it doesn't matter now. It was just right for that time, but it's over."

"But you love him."

"It doesn't matter. We don't work in real time," Buffy answered borrowing Spike's words. "I'm sorry Will, for lying to you. I was just so scared that if you knew you would think less of me."

Willow got up from her bed, and sat next to Buffy. She wrapped her arms around her. "Never."

"I just wanted to forget because it hurts so much," Buffy cried.

Buffy had thought she used every last one of her tears earlier talking to her mother, but now they came pouring out again as Willow held her. Willow didn't say anything. She just held Buffy as she cried.

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