Imitor Vita Pro Amor 2

She found him around the corner, leaning against the wall, arms around himself as he shakily smoked on a cigarette. He stared straight ahead, but she knew he knew she was there. He always knew where she was. And she could always feel him, too. He didn't turn his head, didn't acknowledge that anything might have been wrong. But she saw the dash from the club. She saw that pained look on his face, and she couldn't help but want to be there for him, in spite of everything that was happening right now. She tried to convince herself that it was simply in her nature to do such a thing, but looking at him there, she wondered why she didn't just let him go, if she really was as mad at him or loathed him as much as she told herself she did.

She leaned against the wall next to him, shoving her hands into her jacket pocket absently. She waited for something from him, some indication of what she should do. He kept looking ahead for a while, calming himself inside. Buffy stood next to him, back to the wall, quietly. She was waiting for him to say something. Presumably, something stupid again, so he could get yelled at some more. He was tempted to just go home, walk straight to his crypt and drink himself into blessed oblivion. But, he had promised Dawn. And he realized, that with all the wrong he had done here, he wasn't about to shatter the one thing he had done right. They stood for a few more minutes, just like that, quiet, and awkward and silent, listening to the soft music drifting to them from the Bronze.

She didn't realize how close they had gotten until he heard his murmur low in his throat, right at her ear. Instead of being startled by his closeness, she wondered why he made that sound, like a lion purring. She rested her head against the crook of her neck, arms wrapped around his throat. He rumbled when he made that noise deep in his chest. She wondered if he even knew he was doing it. She rather enjoyed it, she realized. The way it tickled something inside her. Unconsciously, she pushed closer to him, wanting to hear it reverberate in all of its fascinating glory. It got louder as she grew closer, and she felt his arms tighten around her waist, meeting at the small of her back.

Each morning

That I get up

I love more than ever

So girl I'd never go away

Never stray

So every moment

We share together

Is even better

Than the moment before

If every day was

As good as today was

I can't wait til

Tomorrow comes

"What's up Spike?" Dawn frowned, seeing his tight, 'I don't care about anything' expression on his face.

He pulled the young girl into a private corner. "I'm gonna go ducks. Think 've worn out my welcome with big sis."

"Don't be silly Spike, this is a public place. You can stay here as long as you want," Dawn pouted.

"Sorry luv..." he frowned, hating to disappoint her. "Look...Nibblet...I just think its a good idea if I laid low for a little bit." he couldn't look her in the eyes. "I've ruffled your sis' doilies enough to know when enough is enough."

Dawn's heart was pounding. "Whaddya mean?"

Spike heard her heartbeat become agitated. "I think 'm gonna stay outta your sis' hair a bit is all..."

Dawn bit her lip with worry. She knew he was thinking of leaving. "Spike..." she whispered. "Please don't leave. I need you."

Spike's undead heart broke. He kissed her forehead. "I'll always be here for you luv." He smiled, trying to let her down easy.

She felt tears spring to her eyes as he eased away, turning his back to her. "Spike!"

He turned worried blue eyes to her.

"I love you..." she stated. He just smiled tenderly, then turned, striding away in silence.

Dawn turned to her friend.

"Everything okay?" he asked, concerned. Dawn shrugged her shoulders halfheartedly, not having the strength to speak aloud. She was worried.

Buffy searched by the pool table, hoping Spike would appear there. He wasn't. She sighed. Well, at least with him gone she could stop thinking about him. Yeah, right. She rolled one of the pool balls across the red table. Her mind flashbacked to earlier that night, and she thought about dancing with Spike. It was almost like an out of body experience...as if someone else had taken over her and let her dance with him. It felt so...God, she hated to say it...good. She leaned against the pool table, a tiny smile playing on her lips. The way he purred made her tingle and her heart pound. It was so stimulating. The fact that she could do that to the big bad vampire, make him react so extremely made her tingle inside. She just couldn't seem to get enough of it. Her heart jumped at the memory, wanting suddenly to be close to him. She sighed, knowing she shouldn't let herself be a slave to such thoughts. The way she acted earlier really scared her. It made her think about things that were probably better left buried. Like the question, if Spike could be so good...than how come Angelus couldn't have changed for her?? She groaned, tossing a ball into one of the pockets.

"That's cheatin', luv..." the sound of Spike's deep, rich brogue interrupted her musings.

Buffy jumped, turning. "I thought you'd gone back to your crypt..."

"Don't worry, 'm bout to get out of your hair, slayer..." he put his hands up in defense.

"You don't have to leave cuz of me," she couldn't believe what she was saying. Not more than a few minutes ago she was complaining about him being here. Now that he was this close, she didn't want him to leave.

type way, but a `now that you're important to me you have the potential to really hurt me' sort of way. It was odd. "C'mon Buffy. I know you don't want me around..."

"Spike, about before..." she started interrupting him. He raised his brows with curiosity. "I...I..." she stuttered, staring in his blue eyes.

"I know... I'm sorry… I didn't mean to get all..." he looked away from her. "Well…the whole purring bit..." if he could blush he would. "Can't control it..."

Buffy wanted to tell him how cute it had seemed. Instead, all she managed to choke out was a lame, "It's okay."

And I'd give up forever to touch you

Cause I know that you can feel me somehow

You're the closest to heaven that 'll ever be

And I don't want to go home right now

For a long time, they just stood, staring at once another uncomfortably. It was suddenly silent as the song ended. "I'm sorry if I messed up things with you and your poof... er…Riley…" he continued. He was arguing with himself inside about how to tell her he was leaving.

She sighed. "He's not my poof, Spike." She paused. "I'm sorry he attacked you... again..."

"I'm not made of glass luv, 'll live… or well...you know...un-live." He shrugged.

She needed answers. She needed to know what exactly happened between them tonight, but she was scared of the answer. She was scared all together. Spike could see her growing more and more uncomfortable. With each passing moment he knew leaving had to be the right thing. He groaned. If he was going, he was gonna go with a bang, not fade into the background like his Poofter of a Grandsire. He cupped her cheek, cooling her hot skin with his touch.

Say goodnight not good-bye

You will never leave my heart behind

Like the path of a star

I'll be anywhere you are

In the spark that lies beneath the coals

In the secret place inside your soul

Keep my light in your eyes

Say goodnight not good-bye

"Look Buffy..." he leaned in closer. "I know what you think of me, I know what a monster I am in your eyes. I know you try to overlook it because we're friends. Thank you for giving me that chance at least." He paused. "I said this once before, but 'll say it once more... I know that you could never love me, I know 'm a monster, and you're right about it. But thank you for givin' me the benefit of the doubt tonight. And thank you, for our dance..."

Buffy's eyes found his icy blue ones. She tried to read him, but he wasn't letting on to anything, not now.

"I know you want to try and work things out with Captain America," he paused, mentally thanking Xander for the new ammo. There was a bout of silence between them, while he tried to force himself to do what was best for both of them. He just couldn't spit out the words. What he wanted to say was, 'm going to leave, so you can be happy'. But, he just couldn't say it. "I don't mean to get in the way. Our friendship isn't as special as what you shared with him. He's human." He bit back the bitter taste in his throat. He just wasn't getting this out the way he'd like. "Listen luv, 'm gonna go now. Get outta your hair." he chickened out. William the Bloody chickened out. "If you ever need me...'ll be there."

Don't you fear when you dream

Waking up is never what it seems

Like a jewel buried deep

Like a promise meant to keep

You are everything you want to be

So just let your heart reach out to me

I'll be right by your side

Say goodnight not good-bye

Buffy couldn't understand what Spike was trying to get at. His thoughts and expressions were so jumbled. She watched him, trying to understand.

Seeing her confusion, he saw his opportunity, and seized it, wondering absently as he did, if he would come out of the club fitting in a vacuum cleaner. He dove in quickly, before she could move, and pressed a gentle, lingering kiss against her left temple. "Goodbye Buffy...." With that, he stalked off, duster flapping behind him like a harbinger of bad tidings.

Buffy turned, in shock. Her cheek felt white hot from his lips and she couldn't believe how quickly he'd disappeared. Without hearing a word she had to say at that. He didn't seem to want to hear anything she had to say. It felt strange. Something inside her broke, and she didn't quite understand why. Just yet. "Goodnight Spike..." she whispered.

You are everything you want to be

So just let your heart reach out to me

Keep my light in your eyes

Say goodnight, not good-bye

He walked outside, willing himself not to turn around and look at her one more time. He really didn't know what he was going to do with himself. He needed to get away, give both he and Buffy a chance to breathe on their own. Walking down the alley by the Bronze, he already missed her. Her and Dawn. He hated himself for having to do this to Dawn and leave. For three months he had been her whole world, and she his. They had held on to each other in their grief, because they had had no one to turn to. No one else felt as they did for their part in Buffy's death. No one had their guilt over it. If Spike had been faster, fiercer, stronger. If Dawn had jumped before Buffy could stop her. Theirs had been a bond of pain and quietly sobbed reassurances. If it hadn't been for her, he might have just ended it all, to stop the pain. But she had needed him, he'd needed her, and he had had a promise to keep. It was most likely, the only reason he was still alive at this very moment.

Sighing, the vampire leaned against the wall at the end of the alley; the very one he had come to earlier. He pulled out a cigarette, not seeing the harm in lingering a bit to console the part of his heart that would always be here, with them. He flipped his lighter, causing a spark and sighed as the smoke poured into him. He would have to give these up, if he stayed here, he mused. It was an excuse he was giving to convince himself that leaving was better. Yeah right. He snorted. Smokes VS Buffy. He would quit cold turkey if she asked him to. He would never even crave the blasted things again, if she wanted him to. But, he reminded himself; he was leaving. So it didn't matter. He leaned up against the wall, and listened to the music wafting from the club, puffing on his smoke quietly as he remembered the feel of her in his arms, and the smell of her, and the look of her. It would be his fondest memory from now until eternity.

If you wanna know…

Tomorrow morning I have to leave

But wherever I may be

Best believe I'm thinking of you

I can't believe how much I love you

Back at the Bronze, Buffy had wandered back to her table, plopping down onto a seat that faced the door. What did he mean, getting out of her hair? She sighed. It seemed about time she drove another man away from her, friend or not. They always left her, to give her time, to let her think, to let her be normal, because she wasn't good enough, because she wasn't dependant. So many reasons, the same result. They left. She touched her face, where he had kissed her. She ached like she was missing something.

All we have is here tonight

We don't want to waste this time

Give me something to remember

Baby put your lips on mine

She listened to the music in the club, watching Xander and Anya dance, Willow and Tara. They all looked so content, in the arms of someone, just moving to the music, nothing else on their mind. She remembered the feel of her dance with Spike, and she imagined it was he and she there again, just dancing. Forgetting the world. She closed her eyes, sighing to herself. Just one dance.

And I'll love you forever

Anytime that we find ourselves apart

He pictured her in his arms, happy and content, as if the world around them had disappeared at there was only them, in their moment. He sighed and shoved his hands into his duster pockets, imagining her pressed against him. They fit so well. It felt so right, so perfect. But it was wrong. Every part of it was wrong. The world dictated that there could be no Buffy and Spike. He hated that; he hated rules. Always had. But when the whole world was against you, what could you do? He puffed on his cigarette. He could dream. He could imagine. And he had his memory. He shut his eyes lightly, listening to the music, picturing them dancing again, in his mind. It soothed him some.

Just close your eyes

And you'll be here with me

Just look to your heart

And that's where I'll be

If you just close your eyes

Till your drifting away

You'll never be too far from me

If you close your eyes

She wondered what he was thinking now, walking away from her to his crypt. Did it hurt him? She knew he loved her. She knew he was doing this to make life easier for her. But it didn't seem easier. She wondered how a soulless vampire could have more heart than men who did have their souls. He would be walking, and she could see him muttering to himself, cursing himself for being a wanker, but not really meaning it because deep down inside he knew he was doing the right thing.

How would it be, all of a sudden? Him being in the shadows instead of in the foreground for a while? Staying in his crypt all the time instead of coming to Movie night, or Bronze night? What would the others say? Would it be weird without him? Stranger than it had been with him?

I know I'm gonna see you again

But promise me that you won't forget

Cause as long as you remember

A part of us will be together

So even when you're fast asleep

Look for me inside your dreams

Keep believing in what we're sharing

And even when I'm not there to tell you

I'll, I'll love you forever

Anytime that I can't be where you are

He realized, somewhere in the back of his mind, that he should leave now, before he chickened out and rushed back in, telling her he would never go. He had to keep reminding himself it was easier if he vanished for a bit. She needed to sort out her life, and he needed to learn to deal with these feelings. He wondered if he should visit LA, maybe see the grand poof, and get some advice on how to deal with loving someone so much it made everything about you ache all the time. Like he loved her. He had to go. He banged the back of his head against the wall, because something stopped him for a bit. Maybe he wanted to finish out the dance in his imagination, finish this song out.

Just close your eyes

And you'll be here with me

Just look to your heart

And that's where I'll be

If you just close your eyes

Till your drifting away

You'll never be too far from me

If you close your eyes

Is there anywhere that far?

Anytime you're feeling low

Is there anywhere that love cannot reach?

Oh no

It could be anywhere on earth

It could be anywhere I'll be

Oh baby if you want to see

Just close your eyes

And you'll be here with me

Look to your heart

That's where you'll be

Just close your eyes

Till your drifting away

You'll never be too far from me

As the strains faded out and another song started, he pushed himself upright and put out his cigarette, exhaling the last of the smoke from his long dead lungs. It was time to go. Striding with purpose this time, he headed for his crypt. He would go to LA. Far enough to think but, close enough to come back the moment anyone needed him. With new purpose, he strode towards his crypt. He and Buffy, they'd both be okay without each other for a bit.

"Buffy?"

She was startled out of her reverie by Dawn. "Oh, hey Dawnie. How was your dance?" she asked, trying to keep from sounding too distracted. "A boyfriend on the horizon I should be working on scaring off?"

Dawn shrugged. "I just saw Spike," she stated, ignoring the boyfriend statement. It would be Spike's job to scare him off, in the future, as far as she was concerned. Buffy was the one that was supposed to take her side and tease him about it later. "He said he needed to go."

Buffy nodded. "Yeah. He said he'd lay low for a while."

"No…" Dawn trailed off. "He said he needed to GO."

The slayer's eyes narrowed. "You mean…"

"He's leaving," Dawn nodded. "I was looking for you to tell you…but you weren't here."

"I was talking to him." Buffy paused. "He said goodbye," she said softly. His words echoed around her, like a haunting love ballad. He'd said goodbye. Not, I'll see you later, not good night, not, `til next time. He'd said goodbye.

Did you ever love somebody?

So much that the earth moved

Did you ever love somebody?

Even though it hurt to?

Did you ever love somebody?

Nothing else the heart could do

Did you ever love somebody,

Who never knew?

"Buffy, you can't let him leave."

She was almost startled at how the voice in her head and Dawn said the exact thing at the exact time. "Dawn, I can't do anything about it. If he wants to go, it's his choice."

Dawn looked incredulous. "Buffy! You can do something about it! It's always been you."

"Dawn, what are you talking about? I can't keep him here."

The younger girl barely kept herself from screaming, eyes looking beseechingly at her sister. "God, he LOVES you Buffy! All you'd have to do is ask him, and he'd stay!"

Did you ever lay your head down

On the shoulder of a good friend?

And then have to look away somehow

Had to hide the way you felt for them

"I know that Dawn! Maybe he just needed to get away from me."

"Maybe he thought you wanted to get away from him!" Dawn stated back, just as vehemently.

The reasonable part of Buffy screamed at her to argue that Spike could very well do as he pleased, here, or not. The small part of her that cared about him told her to go and demand that he stay, because it needed him. It seemed like the reasonable part was winning now, telling her that it would be giving him the wrong idea, if she asked him to stay.

Have you ever prayed the day would come?

You'd hear them say they feel it too

Did you ever love somebody,

Who never knew?

"Why?" Her little sister's hand rested against her arm, squeezing it gently. "Why not?"

And if you did,

Well, you know I'd understand

I could I would

More than anybody can

"Why? I can't because, it's…" she trailed off. Was it wrong? If it was right to let him go, why did it make her feel so terrible?

"It's what Buffy? Wrong?" Dawn asked.

"Yes, it's wrong."

"You were going to ask Riley to stay!"

"But that was different… he and I …"

"Maybe you're just scared."

Did you ever love somebody?

So much that the earth moves

Did you ever love somebody,

Even though it hurt to?

Buffy looked at her sister. Scared? Why would she be scared? He was harmless… he loved her. Love scared her; it was true. The hurt just never stopped. And she couldn't love him. The world told her she couldn't love him. The reasonable part of herself told her she didn't love him; that she never would. But there was still that small part of her that cried out for his touch, his smell, his love.

Yes, she was scared. "Oh God," she whispered to herself. "I have to go…" she looked at her sister, who just nodded. "I have to talk to him."

Did you ever love somebody?

Nothing else your heart could do

Did you ever love somebody?

Like I love you

Like I love you

Like I love you

Part VIII: Hero

Spike entered his crypt, mind working speedily (because if it didn't, he was certain he'd chicken out on this harebrained idea any second). He told himself he would get the only the bare necessities, which constituted as clothes, money, and what blood he had stored in the mini-fridge. And his one remaining picture of Buffy. The one Dawn had given him, because she'd said she'd needed something to look at, that was just Buffy. She'd said he needed one, too. They'd even gone to get it framed. She was beautiful in that picture, all golden haired and happy. Genuinely happy. He wondered what had brought that smile to her face. Had it been Riley? Dawn? Joyce? Her other friends? He wondered vaguely, what it would take to get her to smile like that once for him.

Sighing, he stuffed his clothing into a duffle bag he had gotten from the back of his car, and gently put the picture on top of everything. Then with purpose, he emptied the fridge of beer and the two packets of blood remaining. If he left now, he'd get to LA by three, plenty of time to find a place to stay before sunup.

Fully packed, he jumped the back wall of the cemetery into the street, where his DeSoto was parked. He loaded his belongings into the back seat, and tossed his case of beer onto the passenger side. He would probably need that soon.

Mentally, he told himself that he should have been pleased with himself. He had packed in less than 10 minutes, gotten everything planned and settled, and was ready to go. He should have been proud of himself for having the resolve to go through with this. He should have been, in any case. But in truth, all he did he feel like was the reprise of his bloody grandsire, leaving the one person he loved more than anything else in the world, in the middle of the night, to an uncertain future, just because he thought it might be for the best. He growled low in his throat and made for the driver's side of the car. He was NOT his grandsire. He planned on coming back. Maybe. After the pain got too much to bear one day, or when he completely lost all control of his faculties and got off his ass drunk. But either way, he was going, now. Then, he heard a scream.

Ignoring the part of his head that said the PTB's were giving him a sign, he debated whether or not he should go and see what all the distress was about. He didn't need to do good anymore; he was leaving. There was no one here to send him that one-way ticket to guilt city of he ignored the distress call. Buffy wasn't around to watch him, or Dawn. He wasn't earning any brownie points, or A's for effort. He could just ignore it… leave. Go now.

Giving an aggravated snarl, he slammed his car door shut and scrambled back towards the forests behind the cemetery, where the sound had come from. He was getting softer, as he grew older, and the Slayer's influence wasn't helping. Part of him wanted to walk around and take off in the DeSoto without a backwards glance, while the other part of him was thinking about some poor girl getting ripped apart by a group of fangs. Was that girl as important to someone as Buffy and Dawn were to him? Would he be responsible for shattering someone's entire world if he didn't go after her? Would he make someone else feel like he had felt, when Buffy had died? He couldn't bear the thought of it alone. Taking off at a sprint towards the smell of human fear, he ducked low, edging along the shadows at a ground eating pace.

Buffy entered Spike's cemetery at a brisk pace 15 minutes later, senses on alert in case of danger. Part of her knew that there would be no trouble here. Apparently, Spike had been thorough in his clean up after Buffy had died. Willy had said there was a rumor in the demon underground that Spike had gone completely nuts and killed every demon in his path after the death of the slayer. Demons were told to avoid him. He was generally feared, as much as he had been during his days as the Sunnydale master. He had been the boogey man of the boogey men. A fearsome, destructive force of pure anguish that had ripped through the demon lines in Sunnydale, ripping limbs from trunks, crushing eyeballs, and spilling and pulling out innards. She didn't doubt it.

She found herself at the door to his crypt, and contemplated knocking or barging in. She tapped the back of her hand against the door twice, and waited a second. When there was no answer, she pushed herself inside. "Spike?"

Her eyes searched desperately. "Spike?!" she called, louder this time, her voice a little more shrill. She tore apart the crypt, searching for him; in the tunnels below where he'd first chained her up with Drusilla, hoping that he was hiding, moping, hell, even smoking. But he was nowhere to be found. It looked like she'd done a bang up job again. The one person who never seemed to go away as much as she'd get annoyed and angry with, had gone. She was definitely the queen of chasing men away. Even William the Bloody got tired of her. She scaled the ladder back up to the mail floor and looked lazily around the crypt, before falling into his armchair.

To her surprise tears trickled down her face. Why'd she let him go in the first place?! So what if Spike would've gotten the wrong impression if she asked him to stay?! At least he'd still be here. If there were never to be a Spike and Buffy romance, at least they had been amazing partners in battle. Buffy pondered why she could trust the vamp with her life, but not her heart.

The room was still dark, and she took a moment to try and adjust to it, hoping she would see him appear out of the shadows at any second, like he had done on occasion upon occasion. But instinctively, she knew she wouldn't. She couldn't feel him. Sighing, she flipped on the lamp at his table, and looked around the empty crypt once more. The fridge was open; empty. The picture of her that Dawn had given him was gone. He had missed a shirt while packing, and it laid on the floor in a heap, a testament to his speedy departure. "Wow, when you drive `em out, you really drive `em out," Buffy muttered to herself, fighting past that feeling of hopelessness and loss swelling in her chest. She got up off the armchair and walked across the crypt, and picking up the forgotten shirt. A black silk button up with white dragons twisting around the sleeves like wisps of smoke. She studied it, smelled it. It smelled like him. She tucked it into her arm, the last sign of him she might ever see.

She crossed the room again, and sat down, staring at the blank television screen for a moment. He'd be watching Passions, or Dawson's Creek if he were here, she realized. He liked that Pacey character. Something about how Dawson might be Joey's soul mate, but Pacey was her equal. He could become her soul mate. She absently rubbed the material of his shirt with her fingers, and told herself she wasn't going to cry. He had been her friend. And he could be back again, one day.

So for now, she thought about him. When they'd slain together they always moved as one, as a team. She knew where he'd be at all times and what he was doing. She thought like he did, as if their minds and body's were of the same spirit. When they fought, he was the one person she didn't feel she needed to keep an eye on like Riley, or Xander or any of the Scoobies... He was an asset in the slaying department, and, though she had been the slowest to admit it, in the friendship department. As a friend, she shouldn't have let him leave.

She brought her knees to her chest, hugging them close. She leaned her head back and was enveloped in the essence of him. His scent surrounded her like a lazy, smoky blanket. The leather, cigarettes, and warm scent of him was and forever would be, embedded in the over worn old chair. She sighed heavily, her heart feeling leaden. How was it that she would put her life in Spike's hands, but she couldn't even ponder giving him her heart? If he was good enough to be her friend, good enough to trust with her life, how was it he wasn't worthy of her heart? He was the one who knew all of her, knew what it was like to live an un-normal life, to be the Slayer. The only one who really knew her at all.

She tried to reconcile that thought with the fact that he was a killer, and that the chip was the only thing standing between him and a murderous rampage. But then again, she had to ask, was it really that chip that she thought made Spike the man he'd become? No, of course, it had to be. Vampires just didn't change, they stayed, as they were; violent and bloodthirsty and remorseless. It's not possible for them to truly love! If it was possible... then why hadn't Angelus been able to subdue the nature of his demon? She screamed internally, pounding her fist on the arm of the chair. Why did she constantly compare Spike with Angelus?! Just because they were both evil didn't mean they were equal. Angelus had always been a cruel and heartless bastard. Even as a 'big bad' Spike wasn't as nasty. He'd helped her back then too, just for the sake of saving the world. And to get him and Dru out safe of course, but he'd ultimately done it for love. She stopped breathing a moment. He'd LOVED Dru. Her mind reflected back on the night Spike made her go on that fake stakeout, and nearly confessed his love for her. She'd said some horrible things to him. She'd told him it wasn't possible for him to feel love for her or anyone.

She'd told him he was like a locked up serial killer waiting to break free. She'd said that the chip was the entire reason behind his sudden change of heart. The question was; what could possibly have been in it that made Spike do a total 360'? No, of course not. Computers weren't that advanced. They didn't tell a person, undead or not, what to do, how to feel, who to love. Was it Dawn, then? He loved that little girl with all his undead life... had it been her that made him change? Or had it been something completely different? Perhaps, boredom… tired of being the 'big bad'? Was it because Dru left him? No matter how much the chip kept him from killing the innocent, it never made him risk his life helping her and the Scoobies, Buffy could admit that now. And it never made him fall in love with her. It never made him want to keep promises to a little girl and her big sister, or look out for their best interests even at the cost of his life. Spike had done that, still did that, on his own. He chose to do those things because deep down, he'd do anything for Buffy Summers. Anything for her love. A love she'd never return. He'd known that, yet he'd still been there. He'd known she'd never love him.

Sighing to herself, she realized she wished she had told him. The night she had died, he had said he knew she'd never love him. That he was a monster. She had wanted to tell him there, that he wasn't a monster. She had wanted to tell him maybe she might love him one day. But there hadn't been time. There hadn't been enough of her to think about that with everything else going on. She had wanted to tell him when she came back too, but things had been awkward. And lately… she hadn't thought about it. He had been there, with her, and she had decided that was enough. He had been her friend.

Now, he was gone again. And she hadn't told him. She hadn't told him that he was more of a man than anyone could ever have known. She hadn't told him that she could maybe love him, one day. She hadn't thanked him for staying strong and taking care of Dawn and the rest of them, or taking over her slaying duties while she'd been gone. She hadn't apologized for being so terrible to him during their problems with Glory. She hadn't told him that Joey chose Pacey over Dawson because he was more than her equal, or her soul mate. She hadn't fought enough with him. Hadn't seen enough of that smirk, or that spark they had when they battled, together or against each other. They hadn't danced enough.

She brought the shirt up to her face and rubbed it against her cheek. They hadn't danced enough. Buffy buried her head in his scent and wept.

Spike skidded to a stop near the new end of the cemetery just at the border to the woods, where all the fresh headstones were being plotted. His keen eyes searched the dark, seeing something sparking like lightning just ahead. He sprinted towards it, and the sound of electricity charging and zapping rang in his ears. And as he stumbled upon the scene, he came to see a young girl near Dawn's age was lying on the floor, eyes wide and frightened. She was crying and backing up against a headstone. The look on her face made him think of his Platelet, and he growled internally.

Spike followed the girl's gaze to a tall demon with blue, yellow and white light illuminating off of its skin, like a freakishly twisted variation on the Aurora Borealis. He sizzled and buzzed with electricity. "What the bloody hell are you?!" Spike questioned, puzzled face on. The demon didn't speak but instead, the buzzing grew louder and a bolt of electricity zapped out, setting a patch of grass at Spike's feet on fire.

The girl screamed again as a small flame erupted. Spike moved quickly, rushing to her side and keeping a wary eye on his opponent, who's crackling seemed to grow louder with each passing second. He lifted her from the ground as if she weighed nothing. Making his voice gentle, so as not to frighten the poor lamb anymore than she had already been, he looked into her eyes. "Can you run?"

She nodded, wide eyes on the demon, not Spike.

"Then go on, get out of here..." Spike ordered, shoving her away from the monster.

She ran off, not looking back. "Now... how to get rid of you..." Spike turned his game face on. "What I wouldn't give for a giant wall outlet to zap you into right now... you'd probably bloody power Sunnyhell for weeks!"

The demon zapped another bolt at Spike, sending him scurrying out of the way. "Ya missed, General Electric..." Spike chuckled, though the shot had come alarmingly close. He suddenly froze, his undead heart breaking. He frowned thinking how much he sounded like the slayer.

In his moment of weakness, the demon caught him off guard and sent another bolt of electricity at the vampire.

This time Spike couldn't jump out of the way quickly enough. The bolt hit him and he feared catching fire and becoming a smoldering pile of gray dust. He vibrated with the shock of the blow, and was vaguely aware of the smell of burning hair. Another jolt sent him falling to the ground, smoke coming from his head. The vampire twitched in shock, the pain overcoming him. His whole body trembled as the white-hot current ran through his long dead veins, coursing through every inch of him. He cursed into the night air before passing out from the pain in his head.

The demon moved towards the intruder it had knocked unconscious, as if wanting to touch it. But it suddenly reared back, realizing that the form held no life. It lacked the energy its master was searching for. So the hulking ball of condensed electricity left the demon lying there, because it would serve no purpose. It required life energy.

It was nearly 2am when Buffy finally left his chair, taking his tear stained shirt with her. She slammed the crypt door close behind her with a finality. As much as she wanted to believe Spike would be back, she wouldn't allow herself to get her hopes up. They never came back.

She'd walked home in record time, and all she wanted to do was get in her bed and close her scratchy, bloodshot eyes. One part of her was still in shock and disbelief while the other was numb to all thoughts or feeling. She hadn't felt so upset since Glory had taken Dawn from her. If someone had seen her at that moment, they would have realized Buffy has the same wide-eyed tortured expression on her face now as she had then.

She slipped in the front door, locking it behind her. She was about to slip quietly up the stairs when Dawn appeared out of the shadows of the living room. "Buffy??"

She didn't even jump or react to her sister's sudden presence. She just turned her wide eyes towards the young girl, biting her lip.

Dawn saw her sister's distraught expression and for a moment, she dreaded that they'd fought again, and Buffy had killed Spike. "Oh God, what happened Buffy? Where's Spike?!" Buffy stared blankly at the younger girl. She didn't know how to break it to Dawn. It would shatter her heart.

She gripped her shoulders. "Buffy, you're scaring me! Tell me what happened?!"

"I'm sorry Dawnie. He...he's gone..." she stuttered her voice raspy.

"What?" Dawn's heart plummeted to her feet. Tears immediately filled her eyes. "What do you mean?!"

"He was already gone by the time I got there. I was too late, Dawnie. Spike left," Buffy explained, trying to keep calm, but seeing her sister so upset was making her cry all over again.

"Nooooo...." Dawn howled, stomping her feet. She felt cold inside. "HE CAN'T BE GONE!"

"I'm sorry...I'm so sorry..." Buffy repeated over and over, touching her shoulder.

Dawn shook off her hand like she'd been burned. "Don't touch me! It's all your fault!! This is ALL YOUR fault Buffy!! You made him leave!"

"I didn't mean to!" she said with sincerity. "I didn't!"

"It's your fault! I'll never forgive you for this! NEVER!" Dawn threatened with venom. "Never!" she stormed up the stairs, slamming her bedroom door shut.

Buffy's shoulder's shook with sorrow. She'd really screwed up. She felt lost and alone for the first time in a long time. She stepped up the stairs slowly, walking into her room and stood with her arms wrapped around herself. She closed her eyes, wishing she could feel Spike close by, but she felt nothing at all. He was no place close. She threw his shirt on her bed and turned on her radio, slipping into bed beside the shirt. She curled up

against it, breathing in the scent.

Her mind drifted to tonight again, dancing with him. Everything seemed so different, like they were 2 different people then. Like the world around them didn't exist.

I have a smile

Stretched from ear to ear

You see you walking down the road

We meet at the lights

I stare for a while

The world around disappears

When they'd danced tonight nothing else seemed to matter. They held each other close and for once, it hadn't seemed as wrong as it was supposed to. In fact, it had felt right. They were two in the same. Had she seen it sooner, maybe things would be different.

Just you and me

On this island of hope

A breath between us could be miles

Let me surround you

My sea to your shore

Let me be the calm you seek

She knew she cared for Spike. She wouldn't deny that anymore. Whether it was love or not, she wasn't sure. She wanted to know, wanted to discover what reasons the vampire had to choose to be good; why he chose to love the one person he should never love, why he was all the things he was. But now, she wasn't sure she'd ever find out.

Oh and every time I'm close to you

There's too much I can't say

And you just walk away

And I forgot

To tell you

I love you

She closed her eyes so tight they burned. She huffed, breathing heavily from crying. "Spike...please come back..." she begged. But she knew the plea was empty. They never came back.

And the night's

Too long

And cold here

Without you

I grieve in my condition

For I cannot find the strength to say I need you so

She could be the slayer, and show such physical strength, such emotional strength to battle demons everyday and risk her life. It all seemed so routine and easy that she never thought she had a weakness. Her weakness was the inability to admit she needed help sometimes and that she needed love. A cold chill made her shiver and she grew uncomfortable. She was so alone.

Oh and every time I'm close to you

There's too much I can't say

And you just walk away

And I forgot

To tell you

I love you

And the night's

Too long

And cold here

Without you

VIV: Complication

Spike's eyes shot open and he gasped for air that he didn't need. He felt odd right away. His head was pounding and searing. His undead heart accelerated for a moment, and his lungs filled with air. Then it all went black and his heart stopped and he no longer needed to breathe. He was scared with the momentary brush with life. It must have been some type of side effect to the electrocution. He was just glad it hadn't been hot enough to torch him completely. Though he was sure he was burned in some places. He groaned, his whole body aching. He moved his legs, trying to sit up. The world moved in circles and for a moment he thought he'd drank too much had a real bad hangover. But the searing pain in his head was so different than anything he'd felt before. He put a hand to his head and he hissed from the heat scorching his hand. He finally got his feet under him and stood.

"Spike!!" Buffy's voice filled his ears.

He stared ahead, eyes trying to focus. "Buffy?" He stumbled forward, nearly falling over. "That you, luv?"

"Oh God, Spike, what happened to you?!" Buffy panicked looking over his burns. Even his hair was singed.

"Some electric problems..." Spike shrugged. He leaned into the petite blonds arms. "I'll be all right now luv, you're here..."

"Oh Spike, I'll take care of you..." she hugged him close.

He smiled. "I need you Buffy. I need you so much. I love you. I can't live without you..." he purred.

"Spike... I love you too!" Buffy proclaimed.

He smiled, resting his weight on her. He felt so serene, so calm.

Suddenly her voice was screeching at him. "Get off! Get off me!!"

Spike's head shot up and he was no longer in Buffy's arms, but the young girl he'd saved from the demon. He stared with confusion at her, stumbling back. "What the..."

"I... I think you're delusional mister..." she glared at him. "I came back to see if you were okay. I wanted to thank you for helping me..."

Spike focused on the dark haired, short girl with some difficulty. She was slightly blurry. "Er, no problem..."

"Looks like that thing electrocuted you...." she frowned. "You're all singed. You feel okay, other than the delusions?"

"Just peachy," Spike hissed, his head throbbing.

"Maybe we should take you to a hospital. It's nearly dawn. If we hurry we'll beat the morning rush..." the girl offered.

"No!" Spike stepped back. "I'll be fine. You run on home..."

"C'mon mister, you saved my life! At least lemme help you!" The girl grabbed his arm and started tugging.

"No!" Spike shouted, tossing her off with more force than he had intended.

She hit the ground with a soft thud. "Ow!"

He waited for the shock in his brain from the chip. But there was nothing. No shock, no pain. Spike hit his head, wondering if he'd been dreaming this too.

"Hey, that hurt!" the girl huffed.

"Sor....sorry..." Spike shook his head. The throbbing was lessening and his eyesight was clearer. His vamp powers were already at work, helping to heal this horrid headache. But what about the chip... He picked the girl up and let her fall to the ground again.

"Hey! Ow! Whats the big idea?!" she shouted.

Nothing. Nothing at all. No zap, no pinch, no pain.

Spike chuckled. "What the... Cor? Could it be?"

"Okay, I really think you need some help. Other than the white hair, black nails bit. You're like psycho... That electric bolt really musta got you good..." the girl stood.

"Cor! The bloody electricity short-circuited it! The sodden chip is deactivated! I'm not a bloody poof wanker no more!" Spike cried out for joy.

"Okay..." the girl raised her brows.

The sun started peaking through the clouds. He didn't have much time. He needed to get moving. "Thanks for coming back," Spike told the girl. "I'm fine, go on home."

She shrugged, "You sure?"

He nodded, still wearing his silly little schoolboy grin.

"Okay then. Thanks again..." She didn't wait this time, before taking off.

Spike bit his lip, subduing his smile long enough to think about this seriously. What was going to do now? He wanted so badly to run to the slayer and tell her his good news. But... good grief...she'd never trust him if she knew. She might even stake him! She believed all this time that it was just the sodding chip that kept him from killing her and her friends. He snorted, thinking of how she put it. A serial killer in prison. No… he couldn't go to Buffy. She'd think the 'big bad' was back and he'd be a ruthless murderer in her eyes again. For a brief moment, Spike thought about it. He COULD go back to killing people now if he wanted to. Not that he would. The slayer changed him too much. She was in his gut, in his heart. For her, he'd still harm no one, because he couldn't stand to have to see that look on her face again, the one that told him he was the most disgusting dreg of the earth and defended no less than being squashed beneath the heel of a fashionable boot. He didn't know if he'd be able to live with himself if she ever looked at him like that again. He laughed bitterly to himself. It had never been the bloody chip that turned him to the good side; it had been her. Hell, it was always about her. It was because he loved Buffy.

And she'd never feel the same. So he'd do what was best for them both. The situation tonight hadn't changed anything. He was still going to follow his initial plan, because now, it seemed even MORE sensible than before. He needed to leave, to sort things out without Buffy or Nibblet, or the Scoobies' influences. This had to be about him, his choice. He strode fast, back towards the DeSoto. In minutes the windows were covered in black, leaving the inside safe from the sunlight. He sat in the driver's seat, turning the engine. The radio blared in his ears and for a moment he sat.

What ravages of spirit

conjured this tempestuous rage

created you a monster

broken by the rules of love

and fate has lead you through it

you do what you have to do

and fate has led you through it

you do what you have to do ...

He knew Buffy's trust was in the chip and part of Spike feared what she may do now that the chip gone. A part of him was also afraid of himself, the raging killer he knew living inside of him that could burst out at any second if he wasn't careful. And Spike knew he'd never purposely endanger Dawn or Buffy, not if he could help it. He put the car in drive and pulled out, tires screeching, from the lot.

And I have the sense to recognize that

I don't know how to let you go

Every moment marked

With apparitions of your soul

I'm ever swiftly moving

Trying to escape this desire

The yearning to be near you

I do what I have to do

The yearning to be near you

I do what I have to do

But I have the sense to recognize

He sped up his car, burning rubber down the streets of Sunnydale as fast as he could. Where he'd go now and what he'd do was a toss up. He needed to find someplace to stay till sunset though. He needed to escape and he didn't know what led him to believe leaving Sunnydale would make his feelings for Buffy, or the awful uncertainty that was his future, disappear.

That I don't know how

To let you go

I don't know how

To let you go

He'd never escape the love for the slayer. He'd never be able to let go of it. He'd never run from anything in his life, until now. He ran and he'd keep on running.

A glowing ember

Burning hot

Burning slow

Deep within I'm shaken by the violence

Of existing for only you

I know I can't be with you

I do what I have to do

I know I can't be with you

I do what I have to do

And I have sense to recognize but

I don't know how to let you go

I don't know how to let you go

I don't know how to let you go

The Sunnydale sign flew by as he left the town behind, and his heart.

Dawn sighed and turned on the clock radio on her table before plopping full length onto her bed and swiping ineffectually at a few tears that lingered on her face. She had felt bad about yelling at Buffy the moment she had slammed the door to her room, but damn it, if her sister would just see what the rest of the world already knew! She sniffed and pulled open her nightstand drawer, as the little radio played, pulling out a bundle of pictures from the side. Spike had hated taking pictures, but one flash of the puppy-dog face and he was hers to do as she pleased with. She'd begged the others to do her little photo session, because it was something she'd needed in lieu of Buffy's death. It helped her forget the bad that her life was for a just a little while, and helped her remember everything her sister had sacrificed herself for. She'd invited Spike, even though the others had been against it back then, but she'd convinced them to let him come. She'd needed him to be there. And as always, he'd came. She had even gotten a picture of him flashing an exaggerated piece sign and his "blank, happy surfer" face. He had been making fun of the way Xander hammed up for the photos and she had turned it on him unrepentantly, capturing the moment forever. He had vehemently tried to get the film back, but she'd begged for him to let her keep it, on the basis that she would show no one once it had been developed.

Didn't they say that I would make a mistake

Didn't they say you were gonna be trouble

People told me you were too much to take

I couldn't see it, I didn't wanna know

I let you in, and you let me down

You messed me up and you turned my life around

You left me feeling I had nowhere to go

I was alone, how was I to know that

She smiled a bit as she began to flip through the thick stack of pictures. It had been something of a habit that she'd picked up after her sister had died. She had realized then, how short and precious life was, and strove to preserve every moment of it so one day, she could look back and smile when she remembered.

You'd be there, when I needed somebody

You'd be there, the only one who could help me

She wondered where he would go, if he would ever come back. She wondered if he would think about her out in the world by himself, and remember. He had a picture of them all, the Scoobies and him. She had given it to him and he had acted like it was an insignificant little thing that he'd never wanted in the first place, but she knew he kept it in his wallet. He'd never been able to hide anything from her. She had several rolls of pictures, of him and of the others. She feared they would be the only things she had of his, from now on.