Author’s Note: Crossover with AtS. Canon through the end of Buffy, Season Six. Canon for Angel through Season Three. Many relationships will be discussed or alluded to here, but the focus will be on Spike-centric relationships. This picks up several months after Grave and goes AU after that. It focuses heavily on the evolving nature of relationships – family, friendships, and romance. All character thoughts are indicated in italics. Any journal entries for any character will have a specific font assigned. Humor, Angst, Drama and whatever else strikes me as we go. Rated strong R for violence, sexual situations, adult themes. ENJOY!
Prologue
Status Quo?
Buffy took a deep breath, squared her shoulders and pushed open the door to the building that haunted her dreams of late. Unfortunately, this was not a dream and apparently there was no relief in waking up. This was the Sunnydale Asylum where Willow had spent the past 5 months in a more or less catatonic state. Although her brain activity was consistently higher than an average catatonic state would entail, her physical activity more closely resembled that of a comatose patient. The doctors, who had at first been very optimistic that Willow would make a full recovery in a matter of days, were at a loss what else to do at this point. For that matter though, Buffy had no idea what to do either.
By all rights, Willow should be in jail. Willow had taken a human life, after all. But then again, did she really want to go down the path of what should be? That road leads to thoughts of death…my death specifically, which I’ve already experienced in great detail… Painful choices, sacrifice, nothingness, peace – at long last, then resurrection, re-birth to a world of pain and horror, confusion, disorientation, a sense of loss and not belonging, numbness, despair, some really bad choices, more pain – not just mine, but others’ this time, and finally accepting that I was indeed back for good and deciding to embrace life again? Buffy shook her head to clear away those thoughts. Been there, bought the T-shirt, decided it didn’t fit after all. She’d finally gotten her life back together – kind of – and she didn’t really want to go back to that place again – with all the sadness and gloom and bad thoughts. Yuck, much!
So, she headed down the hallway to Willow’s room like she had done so for the past few months – three or four times every week. Along the way, she stopped by Dr. Lanningham’s office for an update. Nothing had changed. Willow was still non-responsive to all external stimuli. She was still being fed intravenously. Brain activity was slowly diminishing and this was their biggest concern at the moment. They were running out of ideas, new things to try. Perhaps if Buffy could tell them anything else about what had contributed to Willow’s current situation…anything that might give them some insight into how to help her? The doctor looked hopefully at Buffy, but was not surprised when the diminutive blond waif in front of him shook her head regretfully and headed down the hallway to visit her friend, who was – for all intents and purposes – lost to this world, with no real chance at recovery that the doctor could see.
Buffy wished she could tell the doctors what had really happened to Willow, and if it would have helped…she would do so in a heartbeat. But the doctors would only look at her like she was crazy, dismiss the facts as being nonsense, and probably admit her to a private room with padded walls. Not that she could blame them really. What did you do with a magick junkie who had overdosed one too many times, gone on the wagon, and then experienced a tragic personal loss which fomented a bender that had nearly brought about the apocalypse, and who was finally stopped only by the love of a childhood friend and a strong dose of true magick? Afterward, Willow had cried in Xander’s arms for hours until she finally passed out from sheer exhaustion. Xander had carried Willow to the Magic Box in the end, not knowing where else to turn. The shop was a wreck after the battle, so they had all ended up at Buffy’s house on Revello Drive. Willow had slept straight through for the next 3 days, while the rest of the Scoobies and Giles tried to straighten out the mess she had left behind. Andrew and Jonathan had left town. The damage to the police station and the raising of the temple were both blamed on the earthquake that conveniently left the rest of Sunnydale untouched. So, the police ended up being a non-issue. Warren had been totally immolated in the forest. No body, no evidence, therefore no crime – at least to the Sunnydale police, that is. Amazing how they could just ignore facts and rationalize things away.
Tara was dead. Warren was dead. Andrew and Jonathan were gone. Everyone else was okay and accounted for. Not everyone… No, don’t go there. Don’t think about him. Not right now. Focus on Willow. Only Willow was left to deal with…but who would handle that and how had still not been resolved during those first few days after the battle. None of them had really wanted to turn Willow over to the police, so the lack of charges had been a bit of a relief. Contacting the Watcher’s Council was definitely not the most appealing option. Those guys could be truly ruthless, and although Willow needed to be dealt with firmly and held accountable for the things she had done, she also deserved some compassion for the tragic circumstances that had brought about her complete breakdown. The Council had no interest in compassion. They would have viewed Willow as a threat to be neutralized and studied. No possibility of redemption or rehabilitation down that path. No, sirree. Giles had warned them right from the start that there was no guarantee that Willow could be rehabilitated or restored to her former self. Then Willow had woken up, but she had been totally unresponsive. They had taken her to the hospital, fearing dehydration among other things. The days there had become weeks. Doctors were consulted, tests were run, and in the end Willow had been remanded to long-term care at the asylum. And there she had remained all this time…not getting any better…slowly wasting away.
Half an hour later, Buffy emerged from Willow’s room, her face drawn and pinched. She managed to hold back the tears until she got outside the building. So intent was she on escape that she failed to notice the shadowy figure that slipped into Willow’s room surreptitiously closing the door. He was only in the room for a few minutes – just long enough to ascertain that something was very wrong with the girl he fondly referred to as “Red.” He emerged from her room wondering what the hell had been going on around here, shook his head and went in search of a nurse who could fill him in on the details of Willow’s condition.
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨
Giles looked up as a shadow fell across the text he was reading. Buffy sat down across from him and returned his questioning stare with a sad shake of her head. He sighed and looked down at the tabletop covered with texts and scrolls, most of which had yet to be deciphered. Buffy knew even before she asked that Giles had not made any more progress than she had toward curing Willow, but she asked anyway. Giles shook his head and they sat there in silence for several minutes. Anya stuck her head in to let Giles know she was stepping out to pick up lunch. “Did you want to join us, Buffy? We’re eating Szechuan today.” Buffy demurred and Anya headed out with a smile and a wave. Sure hope Giles comes up with a cure for Willow soon. We just re-opened not too long ago and it can’t be good for business for customers to walk in and see those two mopey-butts minding the shop. Anya decided to pick up the pace a little bit so she could get back sooner.
Buffy stared at her hands for several minutes before addressing Giles again. “Giles, I need to ask you something and I need you to be honest with me, okay?” He nodded and she went on in a rush. “Do we really have any hope left of curing Willow?” There was such despair in her voice that Giles looked at her sharply. Buffy looked down and took a moment to compose her thoughts before continuing. “When you first started this research, you were looking for a way to block Willow from being able to access powerful magick like that again to prevent her from hurting herself or anyone else. Then she ended up in the hospital and you broadened the search to include anything that might restore her awareness. It’s been 5 months now and you haven’t found anything even remotely close to what we’re looking for. Meanwhile, Willow is laying in that hospital wasting away bit by bit. She’s practically a skeleton now. She’s lost so much weight. Her face is all drawn and sunken in, and her hair is dry and brittle. Her skin is pale and waxy and sometimes I swear she isn’t breathing. When I look into those unseeing eyes of hers, I find myself thinking she’s already dead, you know.”
Buffy paused to take a deep breath before continuing. Giles was watching her closely and listening intently to everything she said. “The first time I saw Willow after Xander stopped her from…you know…I was so angry at her. Then when she woke up and wouldn’t respond to us, I became concerned about her health – both emotionally and physically. Before the doctors transferred her to the asylum, I was never alone when I saw her. I was always with you or Dawn or Xander or even one of her doctors. But since I started visiting her at the asylum, it’s just been me and her – no one else to act as a buffer. The doctors all tell me to talk to her, because we don’t know what she can hear.” She paused for another moment and Giles calmly waited for her to continue. He knew this wasn’t easy for her. Buffy had never opened up easily and other than Xander, Buffy was the most affected by what Willow did and the aftermath of her actions. Unlike Xander though, Buffy hadn’t talked to any of them about her feelings. She still kept too much inside her, although he had to admit that she was making advances in that area. He reached over and covered her clasped hands with one of his own. She smiled gratefully at him, took a deep breath and resumed her tale.
“The first time I went to see her at the asylum, I wasn’t able to say anything more than hello to her. Other than that I just sat there and stared at her. I was still so angry with her. And for the longest time I couldn’t even admit that to myself – that I was angry and hurt by what she did. I kept thinking that I needed to be a good friend and try to be there for her, but all this stuff was billowing up inside of me. And one day it just burst out while I was visiting her. I started yelling at her and I really let it all out. I didn’t hold anything back at all. When I was done, I cried and cried, but I felt better – kind of hollowed out though. She never responded during this – no facial twitches or anything at all to indicate she heard me, but I felt like she did. After that, anger was gone and only love and concern were left. Since then I’ve been visiting her on a regular basis, so I know that she’s been getting worse because I see the changes when I go to visit her. The pity I used to feel when I looked at her has been replaced by pain at what I see…pain because what used to be is no more...and I fear never will be again.”
Giles started to speak when this pause drew out, but stopped himself. Better to let her get this out in her own way and in her own time. The minutes stretched out and still Buffy did not speak. She seemed to be steeling herself up for what came next. Finally she looked up with tears in her eyes and said, “I think Willow is dying, Giles.” That statement released the tears she had been holding back and they flowed freely. Buffy buried her face in her hands until Giles was suddenly holding her tight against him, and she buried her face in his chest instead letting her grief out. Neither or them noticed the silent figure watching them from the rebuilt training room. He had come in the back door a few minutes before that and had heard enough to catch the gist of what had been going on. He moved with stealth and grace as he backed further into the shadows where no one would notice him. Few would have seen him passing them by, so quiet was he. It was no wonder that he went unnoticed by the two figures indulging their grief and pain. He stood behind the training room door and listened, as Buffy continued to sob brokenly. Finally the sobs tapered off somewhat and he could hear her blowing her nose.
After going through several tissues, she smiled apologetically at Giles who waved her off and they sat back down at the table. Giles pulled his chair closer in case another cry should be in order and motioned for her to continue when she was ready. That small but thoughtful gesture almost sent Buffy into another gale of tears, but she managed to reign herself in again. She needed to compose herself enough to finish what she had started out to say. It took a few minutes of deep breathing, but she was finally able to continue.
“Okay. Ever since I let go of all my anger toward Willow, I’ve always been able to sense her during my visits. Not so much in her actual body or personality or anything – more like an energy or a presence in the room with me – like a small current of electricity in the air – the kind that sets all the little hairs on your arm on end. Well, I started thinking that maybe she was going to get better after that, but nothing changed in her condition. Then these past few times I’ve been there…I can tell a difference.” She paused briefly.
“What kind of difference, Buffy?” Giles asked gently.
“You know when you’re in the car driving and you’re listening to the radio, how the station starts to fade as you move farther out of range? Well, that’s a bit what this is like – the signal is starting to fade. I can barely feel her when I’m there. And her eyes are changing, too.”
“Changing? What do you mean by changing? And be precise.” Giles tone was almost sharp and Buffy looked up in surprise at that.
“Uh. They’re kind of fading, too. The color seems lighter, paler almost, and her pupils seem smaller somehow. Why, Giles? Does that mean something?” Buffy questioned anxiously, not really sure she wanted to hear an answer to that.
Giles was quiet for a moment. Then he looked directly at Buffy and replied, “I honestly don’t know, Buffy. This may be perfectly normal for someone in Willow’s physical state to experience. It might be a side effect of the events a few months ago. I don’t know, but I promise you that we’ll find out. I haven’t given up hope on Willow’s recovery yet and I don’t want you to do so either. Understood?”
Buffy hesitated a moment, then looked up with a wan smile and nodded. “Can I borrow the phone, Giles? I want to call the bank and see if I can make an appointment with the loan officer about the house.”
Giles looked concerned upon hearing this, but he chose not to pry at the moment. He knew she would tell him her financial woes when she was ready and not before, but by then they might be too far gone for him to help. His slayer was fiercely proud and independent, and it wasn’t easy for her to ask for help. But he didn’t want Buffy and Dawn out on the streets before she was willing to speak up and feared that possibility. Admitting that out loud in front of him was something, and he decided to take that as a sign she would be open to talking about it. For now though, he simply nodded and let Buffy make her call.
After she hung up the phone, he asked if everything was okay financially. Buffy started to nod dismissively as she usually did, but then sat down and shared with him instead. “Dawn and I are getting by okay, but money is still very tight. I’ve been at the Doublemeat Palace for several months now, so I thought I might try to re-finance the house. Everyone’s always going on about how great interest rates are right now, and I thought that if I can reduce that bill some it would make things a lot easier on us. And don’t look at me like that, Giles. I don’t want to take your hard-earned money, so don’t even offer, okay?”
“Buffy, you know I only want to help. I appreciate that you want to do this on your own, but you know I’m here if you need anything, right?”
“I know, Giles. And thank you. That means a lot to me. On another topic totally though, would it be all right if we skipped training this afternoon? The loan officer can meet with me tomorrow and I have to work tonight. That gives me just enough time to get the papers together that I’ll need and still spend some time with Dawn before I have to change for work. I promise I’ll put in an extra hour training tomorrow after my meeting with the money man. Pleeease, Giles.” Buffy wheedled with a hint of a real smile.
Giles smiled himself in reply. He never could resist her when she cajoled him like that. “Of course, Buffy. How is Dawn doing these days? Still making the daily sojourn to Spike’s crypt?”
The figure in the training room straightened up at those words. Although his hearing was excellent – better than most, in fact – he leaned closer. He didn’t want to miss a word of this.
“Yeah. Dawn doesn’t give up very easily, I’m afraid. She stops by every day after school and goes by on weekends also. I think she’s grown really fond of Clem. They watch Jeopardy together now.” Giles had to smile at that unlikely image. “But I know she’s disappointed every time that she stops by and Spike isn’t there. She’s convinced that Spike’ll be back any day now. So sure of it that she’s been taping Passions for him, just in case he hasn’t been able to catch it where ever he is. You ought to see the stack of tapes she has for him. I don’t think she’s missed a single episode.” Buffy smiled ruefully to herself. “I’d like to say that Dawn’s being unrealistic, but if that’s so, then how come I also stop by there every night while I’m on patrol?”
Giles looked at Buffy understandingly, but she wouldn’t look him in the eye just yet. After a pause, she continued.
“At first, I told myself that I was doing it for Dawn. Then it was because Clem was staying there and he’s so gentle and there are still demons stopping by occasionally who want to fight Spike. Clem would never survive that. So, I told myself that he needed me to stop by and check on him. But the other night, this ugly old demon stopped by while I was there and started saying all these things about how Spike was never coming back and he was claiming both the crypt and the cemetery as his own. I got so angry that I couldn’t see straight. I reacted without even thinking about it. Took that demon out in the blink of an eye.” She shook her head remembering. “And not because he was a threat. Oh, no. I took him out because he had the nerve to say that Spike was never coming back. That’s why I killed him. What the hell is wrong with me anyway?” she demanded looking totally bewildered.
“Buffy, has it ever occurred to you that maybe you miss Spike? Now, before you say anything, hear me out. When I went back to England earlier this year, I spent a great deal of time journaling about my stint as your Watcher and not just a few of the extraordinary things we’ve encountered these past few years. And we have definitely seen many things that are unexplainable, that shouldn’t be, wouldn’t you agree?” Buffy nodded, wondering where he was going with this. “Anyway, of all the unusual things we’ve seen, all the impossible occurrences, etcetera… the strangest anomaly of all, the one thing I found it impossible to explain away, the one I struggled hardest to understand, and couldn’t… was Spike.” Buffy looked up in complete shock at that statement.
“Don’t look so amazed, Buffy. Think about it. Here you have a soulless vampire who has fed off the blood of innocent humans for over 100 years. During this time he also remained loyal to his sire, Drusilla, and cared for her when she was ill. He comes to Sunnydale where as you know Angelus made an appearance after Drusilla had been healed. Betrayed by his love and his grandsire, he turned to you for an unlikely alliance to stop them from ending the world. He leaves vowing never to return. By a strange twist of fortune, he does return and has a chip implanted in his head that prevents him from harming humans, effectively neutering him. In desperation, he turns to his natural enemy – the Slayer and her friends – for help and begins to form another alliance of sorts. Now, I know that he definitely strayed back and forth for a while there, switching sides on more than one occasion, giving us all reason to doubt his motives, but in the end…he proved himself worthy of at least a small modicum of trust. Unfortunately, his feelings for you came to light and he handled that situation in what can only be deemed as a less than acceptable manner. We all reacted with the assumption that he had done everything up to that point with the ulterior motive of getting in your good graces. And quite possibly we were correct… but there’s also the distinct possibility that we misjudged him, I think.”
Giles paused a moment to let his words sink in. Buffy hadn’t said anything yet, but she appeared to be listening closely. Giles wanted to make sure she was paying attention before he continued. It was time that she dealt with this issue and Giles felt that this could be very important to her future. To all of their futures, for that matter, but he doubted any of them had even the tiniest suspicion of that yet. But then again, he had only started to suspect the truth himself a short time ago. The scroll he had discovered in London had raised all sorts of interesting questions and possible answers, but before he had a chance to really pursue the matter, the crisis with Willow had come up and he had returned immediately to live full-time in Sunnydale till it was resolved at least. But he had managed to bring that scroll and several others with him, and was still trying to unravel that mystery in what little spare time he had. Giles wrenched his thoughts away from that subject and back to the matter at hand.
Buffy was waiting expectantly for Giles to continue, as was the unseen figure staring through a tiny crack in the training room door. He was waiting with bated breath to see where this would lead. With a start, he realized that he’d been holding his breath and released it suddenly. He was still getting used to that, although it had been several months since the transformation. It was strange the twists his life – or unlife, as the case may be – had taken recently. A bloke could go mad trying to sort it all out. Sometimes he thought he had done just that. He suddenly realized that his mind had wandered while Giles had started speaking again. He focused on the pair out in the shop. He didn’t want to miss any of this.
“…and the torture he endured at Glory’s hands. The tears he shed when you died. The devotion with which he looked after Dawn while you were…gone.” Giles still hated to say she had been dead. He paused again to gather his own thoughts and emotions, then continued. “Not just intense emotional displays though… everyday attributes, also. An affinity for soap operas… attachments to people, places, activities… Vampires have their own society, their own lifestyle, their own set of rules to live by. Spike has defied those rules, those norms time and again now. I don’t think all of those things can just be attributed to Spike having a chip in his head. Nor can they be credited solely to his feelings for you. I think it is safe to assume that Spike defies all known norms. I know this topic might make you a bit uncomfortable, Buffy, but I want to discuss your relationship with Spike for a bit.”
Buffy blushed and looked down. The man in the training room clenched his fists so tightly that his fingernails dug into the palms of his hands and drew blood. He noticed neither the pain nor the blood. He was too intent on what was being said in the other room.
Giles chose his next words carefully, knowing what a delicate matter this was. “Buffy, Xander told me what Spike tried to do before he left.” Neither the blonde girl in front of him nor the man behind the training room door was able to breathe for a minute. Both were frozen by painful memories best left undisturbed. “Now, I don’t mean to pry here, but I think it’s necessary. Was this characteristic of your relationship with Spike while I was in England?” A pause. No answer. “Because I have a hard time picturing that being the case. I know Spike had a bit of an obsession with you. I know he once chained you up in a misdirected attempt to convince you of his affection. And I’m well aware that violence is a way of life for all vampires. But you are the Slayer and well able to defend yourself in any situation. To the best of my knowledge, Spike never crossed that line with you before I left – never tried to force himself on you… unless that is, there’s something you’ve neglected to tell me, hmmm?”
Buffy’s response was immediate this time. “No. Nothing like that.” She hesitated briefly, then sighed and started speaking in a low voice. “Giles… I was the one who initiated a physical relationship with Spike. The first time I kissed him, it shocked us both. And the next time I saw him after that, he didn’t try anything at all. He just wanted to talk to me about what had happened between us. Of course, I wouldn’t hear of it and turned him away. Then I kissed him again and denied it afterward. I’m sure he was getting frustrated with me, but he still didn’t try to do anything but talk to me about what was going on. Then I attacked him one night when he made me mad. We fought like we haven’t fought in forever – turns out his chip didn’t work on me anymore and he could fight back. We literally brought the house down around us, but he never tried to bite me or kill me. Well, um, er, I guess there’s no easy way to say this next part. I jumped his bones.” Giles was suddenly very busy polishing his glasses, but she knew he was listening to her closely. “I initiated sexual contact between us, and he was… I don’t have the words to describe his reaction to that. He was in total shock that I would share myself with him. No one has ever looked at me with such a look of adoration and love and awe before. No one.” Buffy paused to take a breath and gather herself before going on. “We spent the night together and it was incredible.” More glasses polishing. That made Buffy smirk a bit. Giles was so easy to fluster sometimes. “Anyway, the next morning I ruined it all. He made some smart-ass typical Spike comment and I flipped out on him. God, I was horrible. I told him he was nothing to me. That he was just convenient and nothing more. That this meant nothing at all. He was hurt, but responded with anger and said some nasty things back to me. But that was it. He didn’t strike out at me physically or anything. And I left, promising myself that nothing would ever happen again. Of course, it did happen again, many more times. But I was the one who initiated everything at first. Even after we had started sleeping together, Spike still waited on me. He didn’t try to force anything and he kept quiet about it when he could have gone bragging to Xander or someone and made my life hell.”
Buffy laughed bitterly at her last comment. “Except that my life was already a living hell and it had nothing to do with Spike. He was the only thing that made it better. Not that I ever told him that. Oh, no. I couldn’t say anything nice to him. Couldn’t be nice to the evil soulless monster, could I? ‘Cause what kind of person did that make me that I wanted to sleep with a bloodsucking fiend? I never saw him as Spike, the man. He was always Spike, the soulless beast. And I never missed an opportunity to remind him of this fact. I’d go to him and get what I wanted and then I’d take my leave of him, reminding him once again that he wasn’t worthy of me. I shut him out of my life, Dawn’s life, patrolling, everything I could. Kept him as my dark hidden secret.”
Buffy stared off moodily for a few moments and sighed again. “And he took it, Giles. Whatever I dished out, he took. And I dished out a lot. And I know he’s a vampire and can take a lot, but you don’t know how it was, Giles.” A pause to gather her nerve. “There was one night that I thought I had killed a girl. It wasn’t true. Turned out to be a setup by the evil nerd trio, but we didn’t know that then. Spike tried to help me out by hiding the body. When I went to the police station to turn myself in, I was overwhelmed by guilt and so many other emotions. Spike was there and tried to stop me from going in. Do you know how he tried to stop me? By blocking my path and talking to me. He even asked me to explain it to him when I said that he didn’t get it. And do you know how I responded to that? I beat the shit out of him, that’s how. And I don’t mean that we sparred or fought. I mean that I beat him senseless. I took out all of my self-hatred and loathing on him. I let him have everything and then some. And he took it all. He just lay there and willingly let me beat him up. Figured if it helped me out, then it was worth it. After I beat him unconscious, I walked away and left him lying there in that alley to greet the sun. Even after I found out I hadn’t killed that girl, I still didn’t go back and check on him. I just went home and went to bed. To this day I don’t know how he got home that night.” Giles looked at her compassionately throughout this confession, and that gave her the courage to keep going.
“No matter what I did, Spike never got violent with me. After that initial fight where he found out he could hit me, he never did it again. He didn’t once try to bite me when we were, uh, involved intimately. Oh, sure, he said a lot of stuff. Made lewd, suggestive comments at every possible opportunity. And he was always trying to get me to admit that I loved him, but that was it. He did reach a point where he started coming round and initiating sex, but I was a very willing partner in all that.”
“After I finally ended things with Spike, he was hurt and angry. Riley had just been in town and we had destroyed his crypt. Blew up the entire bottom level. And not like I even offered to help him clean up. I totally trashed his house and that was fine, because I’m the Slayer and what I do is right and he’s a vampire and what he does is wrong. And maybe he did deserve it because of those stupid demon eggs that were down there, but I still don’t even know if he really knew what they were or what he was doing with them. Anyway, that’s not important. The point is that he was hurt and angry and rejected and humiliated… and he still didn’t do anything. He didn’t try to get even with me by hurting me physically or telling anything to my friends.” Another pause to gaze around the room and down at the table before them. “You know, I told him to move on and find someone else. But I was so upset when he ended up sleeping with Anya. I felt so hurt, so betrayed. Stupid, huh?” Buffy smiled a bit self-deprecatingly at that.
“All along he kept telling me that I had feelings for him, but I pushed him away every time. Kept denying the possibility of any feelings at all. I said some pretty cold things to him right before he ended up in bed with Anya. I hurt him worse than even I realized. I wounded him, Giles. Still he didn’t try to do anything to hurt me at all. He didn’t go to Anya for sex. He went there for a spell to stop himself from feeling so miserable over me. From what I gathered later on, there was a great deal of alcohol and misery-induced reminiscing involved before they ever got physical. And I have no one to blame for any of that but myself. Spike is loyal and if I hadn’t pushed him away, he never would have wandered. I really don’t think he would have slept with her or anyone else regardless of how much alcohol was involved if it hadn’t been for the other factors.” The figure in the training room shook his head grimly at that statement and silently mouthed “No” as a lone tear trickled down his cheek.
“Anyway I have to take my share of the blame for how things ended between us, you see. Because I certainly didn’t handle things well from the get-go. I knew he was in love with me and I toyed with his feelings by getting sexually involved with him when I didn’t feel the same way.” A deep sigh and a shake of the head. “When he came over that night, it was to apologize for what had happened with Anya. He was sorry that he had hurt me.” A hollow laugh. “Can you believe that? I never once even thought about apologizing to the evil vampire for anything I did to him, but the same supposedly soulless fiend comes to me to apologize because something that he had every right to do had hurt me.” Another pause to reflect on this amazing fact again. Another bitter sigh. “But I wouldn’t listen. I handled it like I handle everything else. I shut him out. He was trying to reach out to me and I refused to even hear him out. I don’t think he meant to force himself on me, Giles. I know he didn’t. Things got out of hand between us and it escalated. And when I was saying no…well, I’d said no so many times before when it actually meant yes… I don’t excuse what he did. It was still wrong, but I had played with his emotions like a yoyo…and the string snapped this time. I don’t think he even heard me telling him to stop. I don’t think he realized that I was crying. When I kicked him off of me, there was the look on his face that I’ll never forget…a combination of sudden realization, rising horror, a profound sense of shock, and nausea at the thought of what he’d been trying to do to me. He seemed to be so hurt by the awareness of what he’d tried to do. Of course, I couldn’t allow myself to see that and accept it back then. Oh, no. Not Buffy. Little Miss Perfect can’t acknowledge any good in the evil vampire at all. I was so full of righteous anger. I kicked him out – out of my house, out of my life, and apparently out of town. No one’s seen him since that night and I don’t think he’s going to return this time. Why would he after the way I treated him? Would you come back to that?”
Buffy stopped talking as she realized this was the most she’d ever shared about her pseudo-relationship with Spike up until now, and with her surrogate father no less. She looked at Giles, trying to gauge his reaction. His expression was not what she expected. Not the total disapproval that all the Scoobies had given her upon learning that she’d been involved with Spike. No disgust or disappointment in her now exposed shameful behavior toward Spike. Nor were there any of the other reactions she had been subjected to afterward. No relief that Spike was gone and this was over, could be swept away and ignored now – like Xander. No obvious hope that he would return any day and they could work things out somehow – like Dawn. She didn’t even see any signs of the hysterical laughter that had characterized Giles’ initial reaction to her involvement with Spike. Instead, he looked understanding, sympathetic, non-judjmental and loving. He smiled at her compassionately and opened his arms to embrace her in a fatherly hug.
After a few moments, they separated and Buffy reached for a tissue to wipe away the tears of relief at his reaction to her revelations. “Buffy, I didn’t know the details, but I rather suspected that it wasn’t as black and white as Xander had made it out to be. I appreciate you being open with me. I know that wasn’t easy for you. Was this the first time you’ve admitted all that to anyone?” A nod of confirmation. “Well, I appreciate your trust and will respect your confidence. But I encourage you to seriously consider telling the others. It might help them to understand your actions, and also your reactions to them better.” Buffy shook her head to show that she understood, but didn’t look too thrilled at the idea of telling the others. Oh, well. One step at a time. “Buffy, It’s hard for me to be objective where you are concerned. You realize that you’re like a daughter to me, and I don’t think that you’ll ever meet anyone that I think is good enough for you.” Giles smiled fondly at Buffy and squeezed her hand. That comment warranted a genuine smile filled with warmth and gratitude.
“When you compound that with what Spike is…well, it would be difficult at best. But when you look at who Spike is and what he has done, then you have to be willing to consider the possibility at least. Buffy, I do believe that Spike’s feelings for you are real. Realize though that he would always be at war with his own nature. I’m not surprised that your relationship crossed over into violence. What I am surprised by is that it was the human and not the vampire that initiated most of that violence. No judgment here, mind you, just an observation. What is even more surprising is that if I understand you correctly, Spike was both ashamed and most likely guilt-ridden afterward, and that is not common behavior in any vampire – let alone one without a soul. The behavior modification chip monitors Spike’s actions only to a point and it does not control or direct his emotions and motivations. That comes from another place, and since he does not have a soul, then we must assume that the demon is the controlling factor. So, although he may love you totally and truly, he will always be at war with himself to a degree. His love for you might actually win out over his vampiric nature – with or without the chip even – but the battle would always be going on inside him. He would have to fight it every single day. Then again, what I just said in no way explains his affection and concern for Dawn, his loyalty to your memory or any of the other peculiarities that make up Spike. I hope you can appreciate why I have been unable to rationalize or explain away Spike and his actions.”
“I get that.” Buffy said ruefully. “I really do. He always was such a contradiction. Even teenage slayer me could see that. I used to wonder how someone dead over a century could enjoy life more than anyone I knew. Or how he could be so in love with Drusilla. Lots of things I never got about Spike. Probably never will. Unfortunately, I don’t know that I’ll get a chance to find out for myself. I know he’s got a demon to deal with, but he tried and I never gave him any credit for it at all. I have a soul, but I’m the one who acted like a monster. I’d like to at least get a chance to tell him I’m sorry. Share with him some of what I’ve told you today. But I don’t think that’s going to happen. He’s gone and I don’t think he’s coming back this time. Sometimes I wonder if he left because of me or in spite of me…or if it really matters either way if he’s not coming back.”
“Buffy, I’ve no doubt whatsoever that Spike will eventually return. He seems to be drawn here. The question you should be asking yourself is not if he’ll return, but rather how you will react when he does. For, Buffy, my dear girl, it’s obvious to me that you have some very strong and unresolved feelings toward Spike… And there’s nothing wrong with that, you know.” Two heads jerked up in amazement at that statement, although one reaction went unnoticed by any save a fly buzzing around the training room.
“Giles, what are you saying?” Buffy asked in no small state of shock. “Do you approve of me having a relationship with Spike?”
“Umm, not exactly. I don’t totally disapprove either though. Buffy, I’ve come to realize many things this past year. You are like a daughter to me, and I want you to be happy. However, you’re also the Slayer and slayers don’t normally live very long, so your safety is as important to me as your happiness. I came to realize a long time ago that your friends and family, the relationships you’ve formed with others is what has kept you going…made you strong…helped you grow…made you who you are. If Spike is a part of that, then I accept it. You will never have a conventional lifestyle by virtue of your calling. Why should I think you would have a conventional relationship? If you are going to be involved with anyone, then I’d like it to be someone who can help you, protect you, look after you, and truly love you. Spike just might fit that bill better than most.”
Buffy just stared at Giles, totally blown away by what he was saying. She opened her mouth to speak, but couldn’t find any words.
Giles smiled at her and continued. “I’m not trying to faust anyone on you. Nor am I encouraging you to pursue anything. However, you could have turned to anyone last year if all you wanted was a physical affair. You chose Spike, knowing exactly who and what he is. Even before that, you trusted him with Dawn’s care and she means more to you than anyone else. What does that say about your feelings for him, eh?” Buffy swallowed hard, totally at a loss. Giles smiled at her reassuringly.
“You don’t have to deal with this now, but you will eventually have to and I believe it will be sooner rather than later. A soulless vampire should not be capable of the emotions that Spike has shown on more than one occasion. It goes against the very essence of what a vampire is. Yet he has somehow transcended that nature. When Spike returns, regardless of how you feel about him Buffy, I do honestly believe that it would behoove all of us to help him on his journey.”
“What do you mean by that, Giles?”
“I mean that rather than looking for any signs that he’s up to his old tricks, rather than suspecting him of always having ulterior motives, rather than looking down on him… Perhaps we should help Spike to start over. Give him a clean slate and see what he does with it. Encourage him. Support him. I doubt he’s ever had that before – as a human or a vampire. What I’m saying, Buffy, is that I believe Spike is redeemable and I would be remiss if I wasn’t willing to assist him along the way. I actually think he started down that path quite some time ago and none of us could see it…or wanted to see it, for that matter. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, Buffy, and I’ll respect your feelings in this matter also, but I’d like to help Spike when we see him again. What do you say?”
Buffy didn’t speak for what seemed like an eternity to the man with the racing pulse who stood behind the training room door. When she finally did speak, it was in a tightly controlled voice that belied the depth of emotion behind her words.
“When I fell in love with Angel, you all thought I was crazy. When he lost his soul and turned evil again, I still loved him. That didn’t go away. Having to kill him was the hardest thing I’d ever had to do. It nearly destroyed me. So many people I’ve loved have left me in one fashion or another – my dad, Angel, Riley, my mom, even you. None of them came back, except for you. Spike was just there at first, always underfoot. I guess I got used to having him around after a while…he sort of grew on me. You’re right about me entrusting him with Dawn – and that was over the rest of you even – and not just because he was strong and could protect her. I knew he would die before he’d allow anyone to hurt her…or me either, for that matter. I was – and still am – attracted to him on many levels. We’ve had a passionate and intense relationship for years – whether it was love, hate or even somewhere in-between. I can’t deny the intensity of what’s there. I told him I didn’t trust him, but that wasn’t it. I told him he didn’t have a soul, but that wasn’t it. I told him I didn’t love him, but that wasn’t it either.” Her voice was both breaking and rising at the same time, and she stopped short to collect herself.
Giles said nothing, waiting patiently for her to go on. The man behind the door stood as still as a statue, hardly breathing as he also waited for her to continue. Although many things had changed for him in the past few months and his priorities were quite different these days, nothing else mattered at this particular moment except what Buffy would say next.
“I couldn’t allow myself to love him, Giles, because I couldn’t bear the thought that something might happen where I would have to stake him. I couldn’t kill someone else I loved again. I don’t think I could come back from that again. So I couldn’t love him. I couldn’t risk it. No matter how I felt about him – how I still feel about him. I can’t go through that again.” And with that, Buffy broke down completely, sobbing uncontrollably. Giles held her, waiting for the storm to abate.
In the training room, the man whose hopes and fears had been pinned on what he’d just heard stood still in utter shock and amazement. He’d never suspected – not even once. How blind can I be? Don’t go there, mate. Start reviewing your own stupidity and you’ll be here all night. Time to leave before you get caught back here. This is not how you want to meet up with any of them again.
He took one last peek through the crack in the door and shook his head in disbelief again. He’d go see Giles in a day or two, but he had some business to tend to first. He strode purposefully to the back door with a small smile on his face – the first real smile in months. The man who no longer knew what to call himself – the man formerly known as Spike…William the Bloody… Wlliam Atherton III…walked out the back door and stepped into the sunlight.
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨
Buffy was in the kitchen fixing dinner when Dawn came in. “Something actually smells good in here, Buffy. What are you making?” Buffy offered a wooden spoon for a taste. Dawn cautiously tasted the sauce and looked up in surprise. “Who are you and what have you done with my sister, the non-cook?”
“Very funny, Dawn. I guess that snide remark means this recipe tastes better than the others I’ve tried.”
“Seriously, Buffy,” Dawn laughed “this is great. What is it?”
“Beef stroganoff. The secret is in the sour cream. It was Mom’s recipe, but she stopped making it after Dad left. It was his favorite.” Buffy trailed off momentarily. When she looked up again, Dawn was staring at her with a quizzical expression. “It’s nothing, Dawnie. Really. Just old memories…made me misty-eyed for a moment. This is just about ready. You want to set the table and pour drinks while I finish up here? You can tell me all about your day.”
Dawn launched into a detailed narrative of the latest exploits of some of the kids at school. Buffy was only half listening until Dawn reached the part of her day where she went to visit Spike, or rather Clem at Spike’s crypt.
“So, how is Clem today? Any news, I mean anything new going on over there?” Buffy finished lamely.
“Not really.” Dawn replied noncommittally, careful to keep her face turned so Buffy wouldn’t see her expression. But she must have caught something in her tone of voice that tipped her off, because Buffy’s head snapped up and she stared wide-eyed at Dawn. “Come on, Dawn. Spill.” Darn those slayer senses. It’s hard enough keeping something from your sister anyway, but when your sister is the Slayer, well just forget it. Oh, well…
“Buffy, really, it’s nothing. Well, okay it’s a couple of nothings but it’s really nothing.” Noticing her sister’s aggravated expression that was definitely expanding by the moment, Dawn hurried to explain. “Okay, see, I stopped by to see Clem, but he wasn’t there. I noticed a pack of smokes on the arm of the chair and Clem doesn’t smoke. Then, I was coming through town on my way home and I saw this man who looked just like Spike walking down the street. Well, Spike with brown curly hair, that is. Then I looked in the hall closet when I got home and his leather duster isn’t there anymore like it’s been for the past 5 months. And I know none of those things are really anything by themselves, but put together…” Dawn trailed off at the pained expression on Buffy’s face.
“Sorry, Dawn.” She said quietly. “I should have told you, but I just didn’t think about it. I took Spike’s coat and gave it to Clem last night when I was on patrol. I’m sure the cigarettes probably fell out of the coat pocket on the chair or something. And that couldn’t have been Spike you saw in town if he was in direct sunlight. Not that I can imagine him actually getting a new do, but unless this guy was under a smoking blanket…I think we can safely assume it wasn’t him.” Buffy smiled weakly. “I know you want to see him again, honey.” she said gently as she served up their dinner. “But we have to be realistic about this, okay.”
“I know, Buffy. And realistically speaking, he’s been gone for 5 months now and he may never come back… But I don’t believe that. This is Spike we’re talking about. He loves us – you, me. I’m pretty sure he considers Sunnyhell home. And I doubt he’d ever admit it, but I think he’s fond of the rest of the Scoobies too. I know you two didn’t exactly part on good terms, but I know he’ll come back one of these days.”
“Perhaps.” It was Buffy’s turn to respond noncommittally and try to hide her expression. “Now eat before it gets cold.”
“Buffy.” After several minutes of silence.
“Yeah, Dawn.”
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why now? Why did you take Spike’s leather coat to the crypt after all this time?”
No answer for a moment. Then in a low voice, “Because it was his and it was important to him. He never went anywhere without it.” Buffy trailed off again for a moment. This is my day for hard questions apparently. “Because if Spike does come back, I want him to have it. And I don’t want him to have to come here to get it.” An almost inaudible “Oh.” from Dawn was all the response that followed that statement.
“No, Dawn. That’s not what I meant. I didn’t mean that I don’t want Spike coming to the house. I just meant that I don’t want him coming here because of the coat. I’d rather he came to see, er, us, you and me, you see.” Buffy blushed and fiddled with her food. And Dawn smiled to herself because she did indeed see.
¨¨¨¨¨
Across town, Spike was staring at that same leather duster with a mixture of revulsion, surprise, and fascination. Revulsion at what it represented from his past. Surprise that he hadn’t thought of the blasted duster before now when it used to be like a 2nd skin to him. And fascination at what he had found inside the jacket pocket. Bugger. What was that? Clem’s talking and I have no idea what about. Best pay attention.
In fact, Clem wasn’t making a whole lot of sense at the moment, but he didn’t particularly care. He had been truly overjoyed to discover Spike was back and was trying to fill him in on a million things at once. He was saying something about that bloke, Rack, being dead. Bloody good. That chap was bad news. Pity I didn’t take him out myself earlier. Maybe I could have helped avoid some trouble later on. Oh, well. What’s done is done. Time to focus on what comes next.
“Clem, buddy, listen... I can’t stay long. I just stopped by to pick up a few things I need and then I’ll be on my way again.” Seeing the surprised and disappointed look on Clem’s face, he decided a bit of an explanation was in order, but just a bit. He was in a hurry, damn it. “Listen, Clem. No one can know I’m back, okay? Not anyone at all, especially not the Little Bit. Dawn’d go straight to Buffy and I’m just not ready for that yet. See? I’ve got some business to tend to and it just might turn out to be very important. I’m not sure yet, but it’s got to come first, okay?”
“All right, Spike. I won’t tell anyone you’re back, but why can’t you stay here? I can cover for you.”
“Too dangerous, mate. Too many folks know this is my place and might see me here. I need to be able to come and go unseen for a while yet. And if you move out, someone might put two and two together and go looking for me elsewhere. If you’re here and I’m not, then anyone looking in just assumes that nothing’s changed and I haven’t returned yet. So, I need you to keep staying here for now, okay? And don’t breathe a word of this to anyone. You’ll be safe here. Buffy and her gang will keep an eye out for you. And I’ll leave you a way to get in touch with me as soon as I get settled, just in case you need anything.”
“Sure, Spike, but you are back for good, right? You’re going to move back in here after you take care of all this business of yours, right?” Clem looked at his friend expectantly.
Spike hesitated. “I don’t know yet, Clem. That depends on a lot of things, but I promise that you haven’t seen the last of me.” And he gathered up his things and headed for the door. Clem’s parting question stopped him in his tracks.
“Don’t you want your coat?”
“Burn it.” Came the terse replay and then he was gone again leaving behind a puzzled Clem.
After he had gotten everything set up in his new place, Spike looked around and admired his handiwork. The place looked downright homey and no one would ever think to look for him here. So, he was safe for the moment. Time to rest. It had been a long day. But before he drifted off to sleep, he pulled out the envelope addressed to him in Buffy’s handwriting. He had found it in the leather jacket, and had been shocked to see it. It was with no small amount of trepidation that he opened the letter inside and began to read.
“Dear William:
As I write this, I have no idea where you are, when – if ever – you might read this, or if you’re even still alive. I feel in my heart that you are alive and I hope with all my heart that you do return one day so I can talk to you. I have so much to say, and I’m not going to try to put it all down in this letter.
A lot has happened since you’ve been gone that made me realize how unfair I was to you when you were here. You did so much for me and Dawn and I never really acknowledged it. I don’t think I even thanked you for anything, except once, maybe twice. I looked down on you and took you for granted, and I judged you…for past actions, for future wrongs I thought you would eventually commit, and just for being a vampire. I was so intently focused on what you are, that I refused to see who you are. I refused to acknowledge the man inside you who had reached out to me so many times.
Please forgive me for denying that you could be anything more than what I defined you as. You tried to talk to me so many times and I never listened. Perhaps if I had then things would have turned out differently. I don’t know what could have been between us, and I don’t know what could still be for us, or if there even is an “us” to consider. Maybe you don’t want me anymore. Maybe I’ve screwed things up so badly that you’re not coming back. But I hope that I’m wrong about that. I hope you do come back. I want to see you again, talk to you, try to figure this out…together. If you’re willing to hear me out, please come by the house any time. You always have an invitation.
Buffy”
He fell asleep with a peaceful, contented expression on his face despite the tear stained tracks on his cheeks, clutching the letter fiercely to his breast even in sleep.
¨¨¨¨¨
“Giles! Giles! I can’t believe it!” Buffy shouted excitedly as she ran into the Magic Box. Both Giles and Anya looked up in amazement. No one had seen Buffy this excited since before her mother had died. She actually looked truly happy about something for a change.
They had been going over some books at the round table when Buffy burst in. Giles straightened up self-consciously, suddenly aware of how close he was to Anya and how good her hair smelled.
Buffy’s eyes were glowing warmly as she stared at them expectantly. “I just can’t believe you did that for me and Dawn. We’ll never be able to thank you enough or to repay you.” Buffy gushed. Giles simply stared at her, and Buffy noticed the blank expressions on both their faces. Anya’s she expected, but not Giles. Nor did she expect him to say what she heard next.
“Buffy, I’m glad you’re happy about something, but I haven’t the foggiest notion what you’re talking about.”
“You mean you didn’t pay off the house for me?”
Giles almost fell over at this news. “Umm, no. When did this happen? How did this happen?”
“Well, you tell me.” Buffy replied. “I went to the bank today to meet with the loan officer. I’m talking to him about the possibility of refinancing the house when he pulls up my account. He then proceeds to tell me the loan has a zero balance and I should expect the cancelled mortgage to arrive within 30 days. When I told him that must be a mistake, he checked their records and the loan was paid off at their branch. The girl at the counter said a brown-haired man with glasses and an accent paid it off in cash yesterday afternoon. I just assumed that was you. Who else would it be?”
Giles mouth opened and closed several times before any noise came out. “I am positively flummoxed. I have no idea who would have done that for you. It wasn’t me, though. I don’t have that kind of money laying around…especially in cash. Although I would love to be able to take credit for making you so happy and relieving you of such a burden, I can’t. I have no idea what’s going on here.”
Buffy looked puzzled, but smiled again and quipped, “Maybe the Powers That Be granted me a Fairy Godfather to make my wishes come true, because that’s not the only good thing that happened today. I got a call this morning from the police. And not the ‘uh, oh, you’re in trouble now’ kind of call for a change. They want to offer some self-defense classes at the community center, on campus and at a few other places. Someone recommended me as a potential instructor. I met with them this morning and gave them a demonstration of what I can do – toned down a bit, of course and sans the wooden stake. They offered me a job on the spot. Can you believe that? I’ll be teaching basic courses 3-4 times a week and possibly an intermediate class as well. And I’ll make way more money than I do now. I can quit the Doublemeat Palace. Yay, me!!”
“Buffy, that’s terrific. That means you won’t come home smelling like grease anymore. Of course, now you’ll be sweaty instead when you leave work, but at least the odor will be yours and not manufactured.” Anya observed brightly not noticing Buffy’s expression.
Giles decided this might be a good time to jump back into this conversation. “Buffy, I am very pleased for you on both counts, but I’m also curious to know who your mysterious benefactor is. Do you know who recommended you for this job…if it might be the same individual that paid off your house?”
“Nope.” Buffy cheerfully replied. “I asked, but no one seemed to know for sure. I’m seriously thinking the Fairy Godfather angle might not be so far-fetched after all. Either way, that’s two major burdens lifted off of me. I feel like I’ve been given a new lease on life. I want to celebrate. Let’s have a party. That is what people still do to express glee, isn’t it?” Buffy twirled around and around while she was talking.
Seeing the stunned expressions around her, she stopped to regain her balance. “I know, I know. It’s been a while since I’ve wanted to express any glee. But maybe, just maybe, all that’s going to change. Maybe that Fairy Godfather can help out in some other areas, too. I just know that I feel hopeful again and happy for the first time in ages. I need to work off some of this energy. I’ll be in the training room.” And she pranced off leaving Giles and Anya staring after her.
Buffy was as good as her word. They celebrated that very night with an impromptu get-together at the Summers house. The tone was upbeat for a change, which was nice. Everyone was excited for Dawn and Buffy about the house being paid off. Buffy was practically giddy about the new job. Dawn kept touching the furniture and exclaiming that it was actually all theirs. Everyone toasted Buffy’s “Fairy Godfather” and no one mentioned the significant changes that had occurred in the Scooby dynamics this past year or the absence of certain members of the group. Anya and Xander were civil, if not warm, to each other. This was a night to celebrate, and for the first time in months, they had a good time being together as a group.
Spike watched from the shadows outside Buffy’s house. He didn’t stay long…just a brief while so he could witness the joy on his Niblet’s face and the relief and happiness on Buffy’s face. That was all the thanks he felt was needed. After a few minutes, he strode off into the darkness smiling to himself. If I ever decide to tell Buffy about this, she’ll have to come up with a better title than Fairy Godfather. Like I’m a poofter, or something. ‘Course she doesn’t know it’s me, but the comparison is still somewhat demeaning none-the-less…
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨
Giles was a bit late getting to the Magic Box the next day. It wasn’t easy getting up after so little sleep and quite a bit of celebrating. He didn’t notice that anything was amiss at first, but then he heard a noise in the training room. He knew it wasn’t Anya since he’d given her the morning off. She deserved it. What a hard worker that girl is, and so bright and talented. Lovely actually… Where was I again? Oh, yes. No one else had keys to the place, so that meant an intruder. Giles picked up a sword from the display case and cautiously edged toward the door. Perhaps he could take whoever it was off-guard. Silently he nudged the door open and stared at the quietly retreating figure before him. The lithe brown-haired man in jeans and a t-shirt wasn’t carrying anything and didn’t appear to have any merchandise hidden on his person. Since the money was put up in the safe each night or taken to the bank night drop, Giles was a bit confused by what the would-be thief might have actually taken or wanted to take. So caught up in his own musings, he didn’t actually say anything until the intruder had opened the back door to leave. As sunlight washed over him, illuminating his frame, Giles recovered his wits and took a few steps into the room. “I say, chap. Mind telling me why you broke into my shop?”
The man immediately stopped and turned around, but didn’t say anything right away. The glare from outside prevented Giles from actually seeing the man’s face, but when he spoke, there was no doubt who it was standing before him. “Hallo, Rupert. I had just given up on you. Late night?”
Giles lowered the sword and stared in amazement as Spike shut the back door and walked toward him. Neither spoke for a moment. Giles was trying to process too many things at once to speak, and Spike was giving him time to adjust. Giles let the facts register one at a time – Spike standing in front of him, same cockney accent (would recognize that voice anywhere), brown hair and curly at that, not baking in the sunlight (actually looks like he has a tan), wearing glasses, not being sarcastic or nasty for a change. This is just too much to compute, system overload possible. I need a cup of tea. Spike smiled, genuinely enjoying the expressions and emotions flitting across Giles’ face.
“I made us a spot o’ tea earlier, but I didn’t realize you’d be so late today or I would have waited.” He smiled ruefully and indicated they should sit down. “I know you’ve got lots of questions and so do I, but first I have to know if you’re expecting any of the other Scoobies any time soon. I’m not ready to see them just yet.
Giles shook his head and struggled to find words as Spike poured them each a cup of tea. “No. Xander is at work. I gave Anya the morning off. She’ll be in after lunch though. And Buffy was taking Dawn shopping today. Some sort of high school dance coming up. I’m certain they won’t be coming up for air any time soon.” He sipped the tea and smiled appreciatively. Nothing like a proper cuppa. Who knew this berk could make one?
Spike noticed and grinned. Raising his cup in mock salute, they drank silently for a moment. Then Spike shook his head. “All right then, to business. First, can we talk back here? I want to keep a low profile.”
“Yes, I can see the front door from here.”
“Good. I don’t know exactly where to start, but I need to let you know that I was in here the other day and overheard you and Buffy. I was trying to get a handle on what had happened while I was gone. I saw Buffy and followed her to the Sunnydale Asylum where I found out about Red. I was a bit wigged out by what I learned there, so I came here next. I came in through the back. You should really think about changing that lock, by the way. Anyone can just walk right in.” Spike smirked slightly. “When I arrived, Buffy was already here, and you two were talking about Willow, so I listened. Then you started talking about me, and I couldn’t leave without hearing that. I know I shouldn’t have eavesdropped, but I couldn’t help myself.” He paused a moment. “Anyway, I wanted you to know that I heard what you said about me and I appreciate it. Truly. It means a lot to me.” Another pause. “Oh, and I wanted to apologize for eavesdropping…and breaking in, too.” he added hastily.
Giles had to laugh at Spike apologizing for a little B&E and eavesdropping given his past. Spike looked surprised at first, then joined him. After a few moments, the both got serious again. Giles spoke first. “Why don’t we talk about what you’ve missed here first. I have a feeling those questions may be easier to answer. How much do you know?”
“Enough to put most of it together. That chap Warren apparently shot and killed Tara, and that sent Willow off the deep end. She was juiced up on the dark magic, tore up the town, killed Warren, apparently wrecked the Magic Box (although it looks pretty sharp now – good repair job), tried to kill Warren’s two little cronies in crime, tried to end the world and had a mental meltdown of some kind. Now I don’t have a problem with her killing that bloody dealer, Rack. He was bad news and not really human anyway. And Warren probably got what was coming to him in the end. But Red’s in real bad shape and it isn’t just from her trip to the dark side. Something else is responsible for the current state she’s in. Somethin’ ugly that’s not going to leave easily or quietly. We’re goin’ to have a fight on our hands if we want to get her back whole.”
“Spike, back up a bit. I didn’t follow you round that last bend. What do you know about Willow’s condition that I don’t?”
“Are you familiar with this symbol?” he pulled a drawing out of his pants pocket. “It’s a brand.” he continued as Giles studied the paper. “Certain demons will brand humans in their service. Marks them as chattel, you know, keeps the competition away from what’s yours, helps you locate them more easily when you want their services. Works a bit like a tracking device. Similar to a vampire’s mark, but different. Where the brand is placed is highly significant. Brands on the back and shoulders are most common because they can be easily covered. You get my drift?”
Giles nodded, starting to realize where this was leading. “You found this symbol on Willow, didn’t you?” Spike nodded gravely. “Aye. This one is easy to miss unless you happen to be looking for it. This is etched into the skin on the back of her neck just above the nape. Hard to see through that mop of red hair, but it’s definitely there. Giles, the only time the brand is placed there is when the person in question is being used as a vessel to carry or hide something. I’m not familiar enough with that specific symbol to know exactly what we’re dealing with here, but I know this is serious. It’s been content to stay hidden – all wrapped up in Willow for some time now – probably since her attempt to end the world. So, you can bet it’s something particularly nasty.”
“Of course,” Giles said. “Why didn’t I think of this before now? Willow was channeling some pretty powerful forces at the end before she shut down. She was emotional, unstable, and completely open to the dark magicks. There’s no telling what could have decided to hitch a ride with her when things started flowing. I’ll get started researching this symbol right away. Thank you for showing this to me, Spike.” Spike nodded in return.
“Whatever it turns out to be, Giles, I’ll help you defeat it for Willow’s sake, but I want your solemn word that you won’t share anything about my involvement in this with Buffy and the others. They don’t need to know what role I played or that I’m even here yet.”
“Well, all right, I’ll keep your secret on the condition that you tell me why you’re so adamant about not seeing or talking to the others. Xander I can certainly understand, but you heard what Buffy had to say the other day. You know she wants to see you and you must realize how much Dawn has missed you. Why don’t you want to see the two of them?”
“It’s too complicated to fully explain, but I’ll try to do it justice. You know what went down between me and Buffy right before I left town. I won’t pretend that I’m proud of that, because I’m not – at all. However, that night was a turning point for me. I was wracked by guilt afterward and I didn’t understand what I was feeling or why. I knew I was trapped somewhere between two states of being – man and monster…good and evil, so to speak. I had tried to be a good man, but I couldn’t. I kept messing things up royally, and when I did manage to do something right, then my motives were questioned. I couldn’t be a man, but how could I be a monster either? The damn chip wouldn’t let me go back to my old ways. I decided that I had to make a choice and change things for myself or die trying. I couldn’t live like that anymore. So, I left…” Spike trailed off as he relived that moment of decision.
“Where did you go?” Giles asked curiously and then proceeded to lose all color whatsoever when he heard the answer. He gaped at Spike in absolute amazement.
“So, you faced the tests and passed, or you wouldn’t be sitting here now.” Giles stated. Spike nodded while looking Giles straight in the eye. “And afterward the demon granted your request.” Another nod. No flinching. Still maintaining eye contact. “Dare I ask what that was?” Spike smiled and said simply, “My soul. It restored my soul.” The words hung poignantly in the air between them. Neither spoke for several minutes, both pondering the magnitude of that statement.
Finally Giles spoke again. “What happened next, Spike?”
“I don’t remember the next few days all that clearly, to be honest. He gave me what I asked for all right, and it hurt like hell. Felt like he’d seared my skin off, then put it back on but stitched it back a little too tight. I was disoriented, dazed…I wandered for some time. Ended up in a jungle somewhere. Woke up at midday in the middle of a clearing with the sunlight streaming down on me. I was still a bit out of it at that point and it was a while before I even realized that I sunlight wasn’t affecting me. Once that sank in, it gave me reason to pause. I just enjoyed the feel of the sun beating down on me for some time. As I sat there, I realized that I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. I was human again! I felt drunk as all these dizzying realizations swept over me. I laughed out loud and shouted in fierce joy. I was still there chuckling to myself (not sure how much later – could have been days) when this couple found me. Are you familiar with Mitchell and Ruth Crispin?” Off Giles surprised nod and sharp look, “Yeah, they said you’d remember them well enough. Guess I’m not the only one with a story to tell, eh?”
“Well, apparently they had gotten wind of something odd happening and they were actually out searching for me. I didn’t realize that at the time. I thought they were just some local missionary types doing a good deed. They gave me some food and water and helped me to my feet. I was a little bit unsteady at first, so they supported me while we walked. I was feeling a tad better and had just opened my mouth to ask them what day it was, when a vicious jungle cat attacked us. I reacted without even thinking. I vamped out and dispatched the cat in short work. I didn’t feed on it and I had no desire to do so, but I was some kind of shocked when I realized that I had on my gameface. I got a bit wigged by this, I guess. I, uh, basically passed out – heat stroke, dehydration, shock, maybe a combination of all of them.” Giles was surprised to see that Spike was actually blushing at this point.
“Anyway, the Crispins carried me back to their camp and tended to me there. I woke up a couple of days later in a cool room lying on a bed and actually needing the sheets because it was chilly. Took me a bit of time before I realized it hadn’t been a dream. Pinched myself hard, felt my pulse, stuff like that. Was pleased as punch by all that too, let me tell you. Then I bloody well remembered vamping out and I got up after that to see what was what. Got dressed and walked out into the living room. The Crispins were sitting down to dinner and I just stopped and stared at them. I had no idea at all what to say to them, but they both smiled at me all warm and welcoming. Then Ruth, she says, ‘William. It’s good to see you up. Do you feel like joining us for dinner?’ Well, you could have knocked me over with a feather when she said my name.” Spike smiled fondly at that memory. “That was without a doubt the best meal of my life or unlife. They made me feel so welcome and accepted. They answered all my questions as best they could, filled me in on what they knew and just talked to me like I was a regular Joe. No one’s ever treated me like that before – like an equal – not even when I was alive. I finally had to stop them and ask them why they were being so nice to me. Hadn’t I vamped out in front of them before? They assured me that I had indeed done that, but that they had examined me and I was most definitely alive now. Even though I had noticed the pulse and temperature myself, it was nice to have some positive confirmation. Then Mitchell asked me if I needed some blood and I realized I really didn’t need or want it. We calculated up the days and it had been 8 days since I’d last had blood prior to going in that cave. I didn’t know what to make of that, but I felt fine. The Crispins offered to let me stay with them… Said they’d try to help me get to the bottom of things.”
Spike paused and Giles was struck by the fondness he obviously had for Ruth and Mitchell, and while Giles could certainly understand anyone being attached to two such warm and loving people…Spike’s reaction was especially poignant. Poor bastard. He must have been craving acceptance so bad all along. Glad he found that even if he did have to go halfway around the world and through hell to do so. With a small start, Giles reconnected with the conversation as he realized that Spike had started speaking again while he was musing.
“…spent nearly 3 months with Ruth and Mitchell. They tested my reflexes, my blood, my strength, anything that might help to explain what was going on with me. Didn’t get too many scientific answers, I’m afraid. Figured I might need to seek my answers elsewhere. The Crispins were great, gave me money to buy a ticket out of there and loaned me their horse to get to town so I could buy the ticket. Ruth asked me to pick up some things for her at the trading post. So I left one morning to make arrangements for my departure. Was gone the greater part of the day…didn’t get back till well after dark. I was both excited and nervous about leaving…felt like I was about to start out on a journey that would surely change my life even more so than this last one. But I knew that I would miss Mitchell and Ruth. They treated me like family and I loved ‘em for it, Giles. I was thinking about this on my way back and trying to come up with an appreciative gesture that would let them know what they meant to me. Considered and rejected loads of ideas…nothing was good enough. Finally hit on something that I thought would please both of them. Felt right proud of myself for that. Smiled like a blithering idiot the rest of the way back.” Spike paused remembering, and his face turned up in a painful grimace as he continued bitterly. “Should have known the bloody Powers weren’t done screwing with me just yet.”
Giles heart wrenched painfully at that – both for the obvious pain reflected in Spike’s demeanor and for the ominous portent it suggested for his friends. After a long moment, Spike began speaking again quietly. “When I was about a mile out from the homestead, the scent hit me. I could smell blood, carnage…death. I pushed that horse as fast as it could go, but it was already too late long before I got there. They were both dead and I couldn’t save them.” His voice sounded hollow at that failure and Giles patiently waited him out. He would have time to mourn the dead later, but Spike was alive and here and needed him now. When he continued a moment later, his voice gained intensity. “It was demons. Nasty little band of Tertutio demons. Buggers like to torture their victims before killing them. Well they bloody well got their come-uppance that night.” Spike paused again and Giles had no doubt that the Crispins’ deaths had been well avenged and not one of those demons had lived to tell the tale. He regretted briefly that he hadn’t been there to help Spike. When he spoke again, Spike’s voice was thick with emotion. “I sat with their bodies until the sun rose. Told them how much I appreciated them, loved them even. When the sun came up, I prepared their bodies for a funeral pyre. Thought about burying them, seemed more respectful, but was afraid some wild critter would dig them up. Didn’t want their bodies defiled like that. Spent the day going through the house, sorting their stuff to see if they had anything written down about things to be sorted out to people or whatnot. Gathered up some books for you. Packed my stuff up and got ready to head back into town to catch that train. It was while looking for a change of clothes that I found a letter addressed to me. It was from the Crispins, said how much they thought of me…said they fancied me like a son.” Pause to gather emotions. “Said a bunch of other things that got me all choked up. Also had a key to a locker at the train station. The note said for me to take everything that was in the locker. Said they didn’t need it and wanted me to have it. I didn’t know what to make of that, but figured it was worth checking out when I got to town.”
“Ended up oversleeping the next day. Didn’t realize how tired out I was by the ordeal. Barely had time to grab the duffel bag inside the locker and catch my train. Almost didn’t make it. But finally I settled into a private car with some food and drink, and had a moment to myself to open that bag.” He paused for so long that Giles felt the tension building until Spike opened his mouth and came out with… “It was full of money, Giles. Stacks and stacks of bills – enough to satisfy Anya even!” They shared a small laugh at that comment. “I counted out just under a million dollars and then I was crying again like some misty-eyed nancy-boy poofter. Not because of the money, but because of these wonderful people who thought enough of me to give it to me. They wrote that note and gave me that money just because they wanted to do so. They loved me that much. I was overwhelmed by them...their capacity for love and their generosity. I still am.” he finished quietly.
Neither of them spoke for a few minutes. Finally Giles spoke up again. “My calculations bring you up to about 3 weeks ago. What did you do after that?”
“I had a few stops to make before coming here…some debts that needed repaying now that I had the means to do so. I got in town a few days ago and I’ve been trying to get a handle on everything since then. So far, you and Clem are the only ones who know I’m back, and that’s how I’d like it to stay for now.”
Giles nodded, not really listening but making a deductive leap in reasoning in a totally different area. “You’re the one who paid off Buffy’s house!” he suddenly exclaimed. Spike smiled almost shyly and nodded assent. “Did you also have anything to do with her new job?” Another nod. Giles stared at Spike amazed. “And why is it exactly that you don’t want her to know this?”
“Several reasons.” Pause. Deep breath. “First, I don’t want her thinking I’m trying to buy off her or Dawn. Second, I just want her to be happy. I don’t need the credit as long as the job gets done, if you know what I mean. Third, a lot has happened between us and I don’t know where we stand. I do want to find that out – more than anything. But first I have to figure out who and what I am. Until then, I have nothing to offer her. Fourth, some odd things came up in the Crispins’ tests and I don’t know what that means. Since the Powers That Be enjoy bollixing up my life so much, there’s no telling what comes next. I’ll be damned if I allow either Dawn or Buffy to be put into any danger because of me. I have to know they’ll be safe being around me. And, lastly, Red is one of Buffy’s best friends. Let’s fix that first…” his voice trailed off as his thoughts coalesced.
Giles looked at him understandingly and Spike found the courage to continue. “I don’t want to screw this up again, Giles. I love her, but I’ve made a real mess of things in the past. If I screw up again, that’s it. Game over. End of story. I know that… I’m not ready to face making that possibility a reality just yet.”
Giles was totally amazed by the extraordinary things Spike had just shared with him. And there was still more to come, if he was right about his suspicions. “Very well, Spike. I respect what you’ve shared with me today. Thank you for that confidence. I will honor it, I assure you. Ruth and Mitchell were incredible individuals and I’ve no doubt they meant it when they wanted you to have that money. They never had any kids and I don’t think you should feel guilty they chose to give it to you. And don’t focus on thinking you failed them. They easily could have been killed at any time prior to or after you arrived there. They knew the dangers when they chose to settle there. I’ve no doubt you would have defended them valiantly had you been there. But don’t waste time feeling guilty for something you had no control over, okay?” Spike nodded gratefully, swallowing the lump in his throat.
“I want to talk to you about these physical changes some more, Spike. I may be able to shed some light for you. But I need to check out a few things first, and I need to look into this symbol if we’re going to help out Willow. Anya should be in shortly, so it might be best it we took a break here and reconvened tonight at my flat.”
Spike nodded in agreement and they both stood. “Giles, just one more thing if you don’t mind.” He hesitated and looked anywhere but at Giles. Finally he looked up and said “I don’t think that it suits me just yet, but the I know that the other doesn’t fit me anymore. So, I think I’d prefer to be called William now.”
“Of course.” Giles said. “Then let me be the first to welcome you home, William.” And he extended the hand of friendship quite literally.
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