Chapter 14 - Announcements (One Made, One Not)

Tara looked around the Magic Box nervously. Willow was sitting anxiously at her side, nervously knowing on her bottom lip, eyebrows knitted together. Anya had a death grip on Xander’s arm, ensuring that he would not fly out of his chair. He kept opening his mouth to speak, but every time he tried his wife’s nails would dig into his arm, promptly shutting him up. Dawn was sitting bolt up right in her chair, an upset look covering her face. All eyes were on the back door of the shop, where angry yelling could be heard. Although none of the Scoobies could make out what was being said, they knew that it was not the ordinary Buffy-Spike argument. If it had been, it would have been in front of them. Tara rung her hands nervously, knowing exactly why it wasn’t the ordinary Buffy-Spike argument.

As soon as Buffy had insisted they wait for Spike, Tara knew that it was because Buffy was finally coming clean. At first, she wasn’t sure whether Buffy and Spike were back together, but after Spike’s insistence that she say what she had to say, and the looks she had caught between the two at the wedding the previous day, she was pretty sure they were. But now she didn’t know what to think. Buffy had been in a horrible mood all day. Willow had called her that afternoon upset when Buffy had given her the cold shoulder, and she hadn’t said a word when they were all sitting in the Magic Box waiting for the meeting to begin. The angry flicker that had been getting more and more dominant in her eyes as the minutes of waiting passed did not help the situation.

Tara found herself biting hard on her own bottom lip when the arguing from the back suddenly turned to silence. Xander shot up from his chair instantly, wrenching his arm from Anya’s grip.

“That’s it, I’m going back there!”

“Xander -” Willow said warningly, not wanting to make whatever situation going on worse with his interference.

“No! I will not just sit here and do nothing. Who knows what that monster is doing to Buffy back there. For all we know, he could be sucking the life out of her right now!”

Dawn snorted and rolled her eyes. “Buffy can take herself, it’s not like his chip would let him do anything anyways. She’s probably the one being the bitch to him anyways.”

“Dawn!” Was the chorus from all Scoobies present. Dawn just rolled her eyes and slumped back into her chair, sulking as only a teenager could.

Just as Xander was about to make another comment, the bells above the door rang. All eyes turned to see Arabella walk in, a smile on her face and a briefcase in her hand.

“Oh good, everybody’s here. I have something very important to talk to you all about.” She paused just above the steps leading down to the centre of the shop and scanned the room. “Where are William and the Slayer?”

When no one said a word, Tara nervously swallowed. Looking up at the Keeper, she prepared to speak when Spike’s gruff voice could be heard, “Hey lamb, was just about to head out and look for you. I’ve decided to take you up on that offer from before.”

A large grin spread across Ari’s face, and she moved down to give him a small hug. “Lovely! Wait until I tell Henry - he’ll be delighted to see you. It’s been what - a decade since you two last saw one another?”

“What offer?” Dawn said curiously, asking the question all the Scoobies had on their mind.

“Going to be heading out on a little vacation for awhile Nibblet. Thought it might be nice to get out of Sunnyhell for a bit.”

“You’re leaving?” Dawn said, a stricken expression gracing her face. Spike was instantly at her side, kneeling down beside her.

“Only for a few months, Nibs. Just need a bit of time to myself, is all.”

“So, dead boy, need any help packing? I’d be happy to lend you some cash if it will keep you away longer.”

“Piss off, Harris.”

Tara had a sinking feeling in her stomach. Is that why they were arguing? Something told her no. Why would he be just telling Arabella now if it was the case? If she knew anything, she was sure that Buffy had said something to make Spike decide to leave. Even if he said it was just for awhile, the look in his eyes said something else. They seemed duller than usual, and tired.

“When are you leaving?” Dawn’s lip was now quivering, and Spike wrapped his arms around the young girl, giving her a small hug.

“None of that. I told you, I’m just going on a little vacation. But it will probably be tomorrow evening.” Spike looked at Arabella questioningly, and she gave a small nod.

“Ari, I thought you said you were going to be here for a while? We’ve barely had anytime to catch up, and you still have more tips about money to give me.” Anya pouted, upset that she wouldn’t get any more tips from her friend.

“I’ll send you weekly emails, Anyanka.” Arabella said a small amount of tension in her voice. “I was planning on staying quite a bit longer, but things have come up. That’s actually why I’m here - I need to speak with you all. Where’s the Slayer? I’d like to get down to business as soon as possible. It is rather important.”

The Scoobies looked at each other apprehensively, not liking the tone of her voice as she said those words. They all had the same thought as soon as she finished - apocalypse.

*****

Buffy leaned against the back hall, swallowing down the sob that was threatening to break out. Why do they always leave? Why do I always push them away? Buffy had come to terms with Angel leaving - she had realized a long time ago he was right in doing so. She understood while Riley left as well, and was happy he had found the happiness he had wanted. Of course, nothing could justify her father’s absence from her and Dawn’s lives, especially since their mother had passed away. And Giles… Buffy still wasn’t fully prepared to think about that fresh wound. She hated to admit it, but every time she lost someone else, even when Riley had left, she had found comfort in the fact that no matter what she couldn’t get rid of the pesky punk vampire. He always seemed to be there when she needed someone, whether she was able to admit it or not.

But she had finally done it. She had driven him to leave too.

“I don’t think I can be here anymore.”

As soon as she heard the words, she had known he meant them. She had never expected anything to hurt as much as that knowledge did. Hearing his confirmation hurt more. It hurt more than all of the other departures combined, more than waking up in her own grave, more than saying goodbye to her mother. And Buffy didn’t know what to do. She couldn’t do anything.

Of course, she could tell the Scoobies about her and Spike. Finally tell them the truth like he wanted her too. But a nagging voice in the back of her head screamed no. And it wasn’t the scared, denying part either. She wasn’t ready. She didn’t feel strong enough or confident enough to deal with their disapproval, their criticisms. It would ruin her and Spike. Maybe it was her eternal stubbornness, but if something was going to destroy her and Spike’s relationship, she would rather it be her own fault and not some outside force’s.

Buffy took a deep breath and let the icy shell that she had become so familiar with protecting herself with wash over her. Inside, she felt as if she was being ripped apart, but she wouldn’t let anyone see it. She would be the strong, indifferent Buffy that she was expected to be. She could hear Arabella impatiently asking where she was, and that she had something important to tell the group. Buffy knew the sooner she said it, the sooner he would be gone. He already is gone, an evil little voice said in her mind. You already lost him. Buffy’s protective shell slipped and she found herself leaning against the wall again. With another deep inhale, and a straightening of her shoulders, Buffy strode purposely into the front of the Magic Box, ready for whatever was about to be thrown at her.

She almost faltered when she saw the flicker of pain in his blue eyes.

Chapter 15 - Legend

“Ah, Buffy, you’ve joined us. I can begin now.”

“Begin what?” Buffy’s face didn’t show a hint of emotion as she looked at the red head. Crossing her arms over her chest she looked at Arabella expectantly. Inside Buffy felt as if she was going to be sick. There was a sinking feeling in her stomach, and she knew that the hell that was her day was not near finished.

“Please sit down. I’ve got a lot to say and a very short amount of time to say it in.” Buffy stared at her for a moment and then grudgingly sat in the empty chair beside Dawn. Out of the corner of her eye she could see Spike perched on the steps leading up to the library, his jaw clenched with tension.

Arabella placed the briefcase she had in her hand on the round table and carefully took out two books. The first was large and thick, like any of the texts the Scoobies had spent night after night flipping through, trying to find information about their latest demon problem. The second was small, and looked both new and ancient. At the sight of the small book Anya’s eyes grew wide.

“Patience, Anyanka. Let me get to it in my own time.” Anya looked down and blindly reached out to Xander, entwining her fingers with his tightly.

“So, are you going to tell us what the significance of these books are, or are we all going to just stare at them dumbly for a few hours?” Buffy was feeling nervous, very, very nervous. All of her training was telling her to jump up and demand to know what was going on, but she knew there would be no point. If the contact she had had with the being in front of her had taught her one thing, it was that Arabella would not be intimidated by an angry Slayer. So Buffy stayed in her seat, and hoped that whatever was said wouldn’t begin or end with the word apocalypse.

“I was meant to stay here for at least a few more months before this meeting was to occur. But, forces unseen even to the Powers have stepped in and, well, events have sped up and changed. You would be amazed at what free will can cause if it’s executed by the right being. I remember this one time -”

“Lamb, topic, stay on it.”

“Oh, right, sorry. I get distracted quite easily with over seven hundred and fifty years of memory.” Arabella smiled lightly, but turned serious when she noticed the grim expressions worn by all others present. “First thing, I need to explain a concept to you that you might have some difficulty accepting. I just ask that you let me finish before you start objecting.” Arabella looked around and when she was sure everyone would comply with her request, she began. “The Council of Watchers’ role is to train Slayers to kill all demons indiscriminately. They have to ensure that she will not question this role. To do this, they tend to leave out important details when educating Slayers about the supernatural world. They have even gone so far as to teach blatant lies. The most blatant of all is that only humans have souls. All beings have souls: demons, humans, higher beings, vampires. They’re just not all the same.

Demons are demons because there soul is combined with a demon essence. They are at constant battle with one another. Sometimes, the demon gains complete control over the soul. Reversely, it is just as equally likely that the soul will gain complete control over the demon. In most demons, there is not complete control of one or the other, but a slight tip of the balance one way or the other. Angelus’ demon had complete control. That’s why he was such a right bastard. The emotions of his soul that would help to restrain his impulses never got in the way. In contrast, there’s an empath demon in Los Angeles whose soul has complete control. He’s one of the most delightful men I have ever known.” Arabella walked over to Spike and placed her hand on his cheek. “Your demon and soul are constantly battling, William. Both too strong to gain any control over the other, unable to tip the balance in their favour. You feel with your soul and fight with your demon. Most choose to see only the demon, Spike. But I can’t help but see the soul as well.”

Spike drew his cheek away from Ari’s hand and reached into his duster, desperately needing a cigarette. She had always insisted that there was more to demons than the demon. She had just always refused to explain the vague statements she would make regarding souls. He could feel all eyes in the room on him, and desperately wanted to say some sarcastic remark. Unfortunately, he was at a loss of words for the first time in his unlife.

Across the room, Buffy could actually taste the bile rising in her throat. With every word Arabella uttered, the fragile truths that Buffy had based her entire life around were systematically getting shattered. The concept that Angelus had his soul, Angel’s soul, the entire time he had tormented her, was almost as disturbing as the fact that it wasn’t unique for Angel to have a soul. Neither of these pieces of information were what were making her sick, though. It was the fact that Spike had a soul. That every demon she had ever killed had a soul. Arabella had told her the same thing yesterday, but she had ignored the meaning behind them. The full meaning of the words was finally hitting her and she wasn’t sure if she could process anymore information.

“How do we know you’re telling the truth? You’re not human, and you obviously prefer demons to humans, so how do we know you’re not just saying all of this to get us to stop killing your friends?” Xander said angrily, standing up and wrenching his hand from Anya’s. The idea of what Arabella was saying flipped his whole world around, their whole world around. He didn’t want it to be changed.

“I don’t want you to stop killing demons. When the demon has dominant control they are inherently bad. Wicked, corrupt, amoral, violent, and vicious. It’s all in a demon’s nature. But, if there is close balance with the soul, or if the soul is more powerful, then they are emotionally and morally, just like human beings. There are varying degrees to how demons choose to act, just like with human beings.”

Arabella perched herself on the corner of the desk and started flipping through the larger of the two books casually, her calm demeanour only causing Xander to get angrier. Willow’s eyes were wide and looked very lost, her brain trying to process everything that had just been thrown at her before there was more. Tara had always felt there was more to the demon equation than what they had known, and all her theories were falling into place as the Keeper spoke.

“Still wanting evidence here, because, hey, just so you know, your soothing words are not all that soothing.” At Xander’s words, Anya grabbed his hand and yanked him into the chair beside her, giving him a pointed look.

“Thank-you, Anyanka. What do you think I’m doing right now, flipping through an ancient text for some leisurely reading? This lovely piece of literature is commonly known as the eighth volume of the Book of the Soul. At least, that’s what it’s called in English. It was originally written in -”

“Topic, lamb.”

“Right.” Arabella plopped the book down in front of Willow. “I’ve gathered you’re the brains - at least the brain that willingly participates, so here you go for conformation. Third passage down is the most relevant to this particular topic, but the entire series of texts are central to origins of the supernatural.”

Willow scanned the page eagerly, and then looked at Ari. “Giles mentioned these texts once. They’re a legend, supposedly revealing the origin of demons, Slayers, and everything supernatural in this dimension. He said they were no longer in existence. Almost every text I’ve studied refers to them.”

“Well, then, this text is a gift from me to you. Protect it with your life and don’t let the Council of Wankers learn of it. They’ve already found seven of the thirteen texts and put them in the deepest vault they have. Couldn’t let their Slayers know their true origin, now could they?”

“What do you mean by that?” Buffy spoke tensely, the fragile control she had over her emotions was very close to cracking. All of her instincts were screaming at her to either run away or run to Spike. But she didn’t even dare to look at him, afraid that one look into his eyes would not just crack, but shatter all of her control.

“To be honest, I can’t really say. The Council has had your breed’s volume for so long it’s never seen been seen by a Keeper’s eyes. But that’s not the point of this little lesson, we haven’t even gotten to that yet. Anyanka, could you summarise the Legend of Vidhamaka and Bhagavantu please.”

Anya’s eyes widened and her mouth fell open. She stared at Arabella in shock, not moving a single muscle.

“Please Anyanka.”

Anya continued to stare blankly for a few minutes before Xander’s hand on her shoulder snapped her out of the stupor she had gotten lost in. Ringing her hands nervously, she looked at the expectant face around her. For once she didn’t know how to say what needed to be said. “The Legend of Vidhamaka and Bhagavantu is probably the most important, and scariest depending on your outlook of all demon mythology. It’s a romantic fairytale and a horror story.” Anya bit her lip nervously. The expressions of the other Scoobies had gone grim and she didn’t blame them. Gulping down the lump in her throat and decided to be as blunt as possible. “Vidhamaka and Bhagavantu will join together to determine the outcome of all dimensions. Depending on circumstances they might reign terror, bring peace, or create something in between. There’s a lot of romantic junk and some violence before and after they do this, but that’s pretty much the point of the whole legend.” Everyone just stared at Anya, mouths open, Dawn eliciting a small squeak. Arabella tipped her head down and rubbed her temples with a frustrated sigh.

“Well that’s one way of putting it, Anyanka. I was hoping you’d skimp on some of the more flowery details, not the entire bloody legend.”

“Sorry, Arabella, but there’s pressure!” Anya snapped and stalked over to the cash register. She didn’t like where this was going, and needed something to calm her nerves. She picked up a wad of bills and began to count the money, her hands shaking nervously as she tried to focus.

Buffy straightened her back and looked at Arabella, her brain in full Slayer mode. “So how do I stop the apocalypse from happening this time?”

“There is no apocalypse, just destiny.” Arabella said it calmly, eyes focused on the smaller book in front of her.

“Vidhamaka and Bhagavantu are opposite sides of a coin, meeting in the middle. Where Vidhamaka comes from the darkness, Bhagavantu comes from the light. They meet in the shadows after long journeys which will lead them through individual trials. Vidhamaka, the Destroyer, is said to be younger than the years, and Bhagavantu, the Blessed, older than all the years combined, but they will appear the same in time and space in similar forms, when the stars of all dimensions align and the countdown has begun. Both will affect the mystical world and its inhabitants greatly. Bhagavantu is said to be the mother of souls and the giver of light, while Vidhamaka is the controller of the dark and the child of the balance. They will be both at odds and alike until the day their paths meet. When this occurs all will change; nothing can prevent this from occurring, only influence the result. This union will be power embodied and will determine the outcome in the Days, be it for the light, the dark, or the grey.” Anya’s words were spoken softly, her eyes never leaving the money in her hands. Without looking up, she continued t shuffle the bills around, ignoring the silence and stairs she was receiving. She replaced the bills in the register, and slowly closed it, the sound of it clicking into place causing everyone t jump. Looking up, she looked directly into Arabella’s eyes. “I’ve figured it out; you should tell them why you’re here.”

Instantly, everyone’s eyes were on the Keeper. Willow was clutching Tara’s hand in a death grip, and Dawn had moved close to Buffy, forgetting how angry she was meant to be with her sister. Arabella looked down sadly, and then up, her entire focus on the youngest Scooby. “The Blessed’s gift is that she strengthens weakened souls. With demons, she strengthens and intensifies the emotions and feelings that the soul feels and the demon suppresses. The demon dulls emotions that prevent it from its blood lust - guilt, remorse, regret, empathy for its victims… She gives a soul that extra strength it needs to gain permanent control in the balance. The Blessed is the key to the balance.”

It hadn’t gone unnoticed to Buffy that Arabella’s eyes had remained fixed on Dawn throughout her speech. The last words she spoke implied an idea that Buffy’s didn’t want to entertain. Before she could question it, Arabella continued.

“When the stars aligned Bhagavantu was created in the form of a sister.”

Chapter 16 - Opened Eyes

“The stars aligned and Bhagavantu was created in the form of a sister.”

It was if everything in the room had froze, even the air. With a single sentence, the Keeper had changed everything for all those present, and no one knew how to react. Before anyone could even begin to respond to what Arabella’s words implied, Buffy was on her feet and in the Keeper’s face, a look of pure anger on her face.

“You’re going to tell us everything right now, or so help me, I will prove that you are not immortal.” She emphasized her point when the Keeper tried to move away from her, slamming the table on either side of Arabella’s body so hard with her hands it splintered. Everyone present, including of Spike, shrunk back from the scene, afraid of what would play out between the two women.

Arabella raised her hands, holding the book in front of her in almost a defensive manner, the only hint that she was uncomfortable with the position she was in. “I can tell you what I know, and everything else that is known is in this book.”

The words were said calmly, trying to placate the angry Slayer, but were met with an angry glare as Buffy ripped the small book from Arabella’s hands and threw it towards Willow, who caught it just before it hit her face. Buffy’s eyes never left the Keeper’s. “Start figuring out what it says Willow. Now, I want the facts. All of them. Don’t give me any of the cryptic bull shit that prophecies usually give either. Tell me what I have to do to protect my little sister.”

Arabella smiled slightly and shook her head. “You don’t get it Buffy, Dawn doesn’t need protecting. There’s nothing to be protected from. She’s Bhagavantu, she always has been. It’s not a prophecy or role given to her. It’s her destiny, like yours was to become a Slayer.”

Arabella’s words seemed to only anger Buffy further, and she responded with a noise that resembled a growl. “Try again.”

“I could lie to you if you wanted me to, but there’s really no point. Dawn is the Blessed. She’s always been the Blessed. She was created as the Blessed. She’s the Key to the Balance. Everything will happen in its own time. It can’t be determined how long that will be, just that eventually the Blessed and the Destroyer will cross paths and balance will be created when that happens. It’s not something that can be prepared for. There’s no evil to fight. You shouldn’t fear the inevitable, or dwell on it. There’s nothing you can do. Dawn will slowly become more in touch with her powers, and you will be there to guide her. It’s as simple as that.”

“Nothing’s that simple. Now tell me what you know.”

“What I am here to tell you is that you must ensure that the wrong people do not find out that Dawn is Bhagavantu before the End. That is all I know. ” Arabella’s expression was getting more annoyed and she was starting to mirror the glare Buffy was giving her. Both women were coiled up and ready to pounce at any provocation.

Before either could say another word, there was a loud crash as Dawn jumped to her feet, knocking her chair back as she did so. “Stop it! Just stop it!”

Buffy’s attention was instantly on her little sister, the other woman completely forgotten. “Dawnie…”

“Don’t say a word, Buffy. I don’t want to hear it. She’s telling the truth. You think I’m unaware that there’s something different about me? Well I’m not. Can’t you just listen to someone other than yourself for once? There’s nothing you can do! So why don’t you just forget about it because that’s what I plan to do. I don’t care if it’s destiny, or some prophecy, or yet another apocalypse we’re meant to avert. I don’t want to have anything to do with it or anything related to it. And so help me God, if you bring this or anything that has to do with it up around me, I will not hesitate to leave for good.” Before Buffy could respond, Dawn had spun around and stormed into the back of the shop, the slam of the training room door the only sound that could be heard in her wake.

Again, everyone sat tensely waiting for Buffy’s reaction. She just stood there, rubbing her temples and looking at her feet for a moment before looking up, an expression that conveyed all business on her face. “Willow, figure out what that book says. Tara, could you please help her with anything she needs. Anya, write down everything about this legend you know - every version you’ve heard, every variation you can remember, however similar it is to another version. Xander, our friend over here is going to tell you a few more details.” Buffy turned to Arabella, a look of anger in her eyes that made everyone shudder. “You’ll tell him everything. And if you don’t, well, let’s not find out what happens if you don’t.” As quickly as she had turned to Arabella, she turned away, striding purposely towards the back of the shop. “I’m going to deal with Dawn.”

*****

As soon as Buffy had disappeared into the back, and everyone had moved on to their tasks, Spike slipped out the front of the shop. Instinctively, he walked around to the back alley and sat down against the back wall, drawing out a cigarette out of his pocket as he did so. It had become one of his favourite places to think - ever since Buffy had first opened up to him there after she had come back.

He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know what to think. His body was screaming at him to jump up and do something. He needed to find a demon and have a good brawl, fight until he couldn’t fight anymore. At the very least, he needed to jump up and pace. His mind wouldn’t let him though. It was trying to sort out the jumble of thoughts and emotions that Arabella’s announcements had created. Her words had made sense, but that didn’t mean he liked them. The dreams he had been having, the emotions that made him feel disgusted with himself, the possibility that everything he had felt in the last year and a half had been manufactured by Dawn’s presence. He wasn’t sure if he should be grateful or enraged. It was as if with every sentenced she uttered, things became more clear year and more confusing at the same time. And now he was left to figure out exactly what he should make of the news.

Spike took another long drag of the cigarette before he ground it into the pavement beside him. His hand came to rest on his chest and he looked down. A bloody soul. I’ve got a bloody soul. Suddenly Spike couldn’t help but laugh. It made everything Buffy had called him over the years seem so funny. The core of her argument had always been the fact that he hadn’t had a soul, that he couldn’t love her without it. He had always known the argument was a load of crap, but it didn’t change the fact that she had a reason to hate him, reason to push him away. I guess she’ll have to find a better reason now. Spike shook his head and took out another cigarette. What the hell did he want with a soul?

*****

Buffy stuck her head cautiously into the training room. She wasn’t sure what she was going to say. She could see the outline of her little sister in the shadows, her back facing towards the door. Even without seeing her face, Buffy knew her little sister was crying. She had seen it often enough after their mother had died to recognize when Dawn was trying to be strong on the outside, even if she was falling apart inside. It was a trait they shared.

Buffy didn’t know what to do or say to begin. She wanted to sit beside her little sister, put an arm around her shoulder and tell her it was all going to be okay. But she knew all Dawn would do would push her away and flee somewhere not nearly as safe as where she was. She had always thought she did a pretty good job at being a big sister. Sure, they argued and didn’t always get along, but when it really counted, they had always been there for one another. It had been harder without their mom around, and Buffy knew she couldn’t replace her, but she had thought she had been doing a pretty good job at being the adult figure in Dawn’s life. At least until recently. It scared her, the way Dawn looked at her now, as if she was the enemy. She desperately wanted to fix things between them, but she had no clue how to do that.

“Dawnie…”

“What do you want, Buffy?” Dawn didn’t turn around to face her sister, but her hands came up to her face and it was obvious she was wiping away the tears.

“Are you alright?” A snort of laughter was Dawn’s only reaction.. “Sorry, that was a dumb question. Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really. Bye.” The snarky teenager Dawn had become in recent months was out in full force, building up walls between her and Buffy that Buffy wasn’t sure she’d be able to break through.

“Dawn -”

“Just don’t Buffy. I said I didn’t want to hear it before, and that hasn’t changed in the last five minutes.”

“Dawn, we have to talk about this.”

“You’re not going to make it all better.”

“I know Dawnie -”

“No, you don’t! It will never be alright. It has never been alright. I just want to forget about it. Live my life like everybody else.”

“Dawn, you know that’s impossible.” Dawn’s words were said with such conviction that it broke Buffy’s heart to say what she had to say it. But Dawn needed to hear the truth, that her life would never be like those around her. Just like Buffy’s would never be.

“Do I? Because I seem to remember my life being pretty damn normal for a long time.” Dawn turned around suddenly and looked her sister directly in her eyes. “But wait - I didn’t really exist did I?” She laughed bitterly and scowled at her sister, “You know I’ve actually been able to pinpoint the exact day I was created. I used to be treated like a normal kid - I could go out with my friends, do as I wished. When I was thirteen I was treated a hell of a lot older than I am now. But then, suddenly, you became obsessed with protecting me from the big bad world. You barely paid any attention to me before, and then - wham! I’m the centre of your world. All these demons were after me, and you were constantly around. Everything that was normal for me stopped being normal. The monks gave me memories of a normal childhood; they just didn’t give me the chance to have a normal life.”

“Dawnie, you know that’s not true. I’ve always -”

“How would you know? Everything has always been about what is good for Buffy. What is hard for Buffy. You never think about me. You protect me sure, but you never think about me before or after your big rescue. Did you even ask how I feel about living under the same roof as the junkie who almost killed me? Or how about what it felt like having to stake my first kiss? Just so you know, sometimes I still cry about that one. What about how I felt about being the sacrificial lamb for a hell god and then having to watch the only real family I have die in my place? You don’t exactly bounce back from those things.”

Buffy felt ill. The bitterness in Dawn’s voice and the anger in her eyes were tearing Buffy apart. All of Buffy’s instincts were telling her to run away from what Dawn was going to say. It would be so easy to brush off her little sister as being upset because of the information that had been thrown at them so suddenly. But Buffy couldn’t find anything false with Dawn’s words. She couldn’t deny the utter truth of them. Buffy couldn’t recall once asking how her sister felt about anything. She couldn’t do that anymore. She had never really thought about how Dawn was coping with being the Key after their emotional conversation when Dawn had learned the truth. Dawn had seemed to adjust so well, like it had stopped bothering her. Buffy had never thought to question that. Even with Dawn’s recent behaviour, Buffy had never thought that the supernatural part of Dawn’s life was bothering her.

The one thought that kept running through Buffy’s head was how angry Dawn was about her allotted role in life. That she couldn’t be normal and like everyone else around her. And Buffy understood. She had cursed every being she could think of for choosing her to be the Slayer. If she could get Dawn to see that she really did know what she was going through, maybe they could begin to fix all the problems between them. “Dawn, I know it’s hard to believe, but I do know how you’re feeling right now. When I found out I was the Slayer -”

“You know nothing! This has nothing to do with me being some higher being or whatever the hell I am! I told you - I don’t want it. I don’t want to be the Key, I don’t want to be the Blessed, I don’t want any of it so I’m just going to ignore it. I’m going to live my life like I’m anybody else. I doubt they can make me do whatever it is I’m meant to do. I can ignore it.” Of course, getting Dawn to see that she did understand would be a lot more difficult in practice than in theory.

“I thought that too when I was your age. When we moved to Sunnydale, all I wanted to do was forget that there were vampires and demons in the world, and that I was the Slayer. I was determined to forget any of it ever existed. I didn’t even last a day. You can’t ignore who you are, Dawnie. I would love for you to be a regular teen, to do everything that a regular teen does and just forget about everything we’ve had to face. But I can’t do that. There’s no way of erasing what you know, no way of changing who you are.”

“Your life was a hell of a lot more normal than mine is now. I’m older than you were when you became the Slayer. Do you know that? At this age Mom let you go out every night. You didn’t even have to tell her what you were up to. You had friends and a life beyond the most recent demon. You got to be a regular teen in the most important ways. You don’t let me have any of that.”

“That’s not true. You have friends - Xander, Anya, Tara -”

“Those are your friends Buffy, not mine.”

Buffy was trying, she was really trying. But it was as if she was talking to a brick wall. As she stared at the angry girl in front of her, Buffy’s heart broke. There was so much anger and pain in the people she loved. And it was all her fault. Everyone she cared about she hurt. She pushed them away and pushed them away until they willingly walked away and left her. And she couldn’t take it anymore. She could not, would not, lose her little sister like she had lost everyone else who mattered in her heart. “I don’t know what to say Dawnie. I wish I did. It’s too late to change the past, and I’m so sorry for that. Because you’re right. I push everyone that I love away, including you. I hate to see that look in your eyes and know it’s because of me. Everything I do is to ensure that you will have a great future. That the world that I have to live in doesn’t affect you. All I have ever wanted to do is protect you. And maybe I was wrong in that. Because I’ve protected you too much. And I’ve been so focused on ensuring that you are safe that I haven’t paid attention to you or what you want. And I’m so sorry for that. I’m sorry that I’ve made you so miserable. I’m sorry that I haven’t been a good sister. The sister that you deserve to have. I’m sorry that I haven’t, and never will be able to, protect you from the world I live in. And I am so sorry that I’ve made you hate me. But I promise to do better. I promise to try to fix things between us. I don’t want to lose you tonight as well.”

Buffy was crying so hard it took her a few moments to realize that she had her arms full of little sister, who was also crying. After a few minutes of sobbing and hugging, the two separated. “I don’t hate you Buffy. I just, I -” Dawn paused and her large eyes seemed distant as she tried to find the right words to say. “I need you to let me be me. To let me figure out who me is.”

Buffy sniffed, and wiped away the few stray tears that were still running down her cheeks. “Okay. I think we can do that. But that doesn’t mean there will be a repeat of last week, ever. And you’re still being punished for that little stunt. But when your sentence is over, you get to start being you. Deal?”

Buffy’s words were met by a shy smile and another hug. Dawn and Buffy sat down on the coach and contemplated the training room in silence for a long time. Finally, Dawn turned towards the elder Summers.

“I’m really scared, Buffy.”

*****

Spike was still holding the same cigarette he had been for the last ten minutes when Arabella plopped down beside him and took the filter out of his fingers. “Do you realize you’ve got ash all over yourself?”

“I hadn’t actually noticed.” Without looking at her, Spike reached for the packet sitting on the cement between them. “I’ve got a few things on my mind at the moment.” Spike inhaled the cigarette deeply, cherishing the feel of the nicotine being absorbed into his body through his lungs. It was the reason he smoked - to feel an organ inside his body working as it had.

“Sorry about that, William. I was going to tell you everything alone, but time got the better of me.” Arabella bit her lip and reached down to the lighter Spike had discarded. Opening it, she lit it and flipped it shut, and then repeated the action until Spike’s hand finally came out and took the lighter from her.

“You’re going to waste all the fuel.” He still hadn’t turned his face towards her. He just stared ahead at the opposite wall of the alley.

“Sorry.”

“You seem to be sorry about a lot of things this evening, lamb.” He hated that he could never get properly angry with the woman beside him. He could never find it in himself to shout and scream at her, to react like his infamy had dictated he should. Maybe it was because he knew there was no point. Anger didn’t faze a higher being.

Arabella reached for the pack of cigarettes and took out her own, waiting until Spike offered to light it for her. When he didn’t, she grabbed the lighter that was sitting in his upturned palm. “This little expedition to the Hellmouth hasn’t exactly gone as planned. I was meant to be here for months before I was to say anything.”

“What aren’t you telling us?” The abruptness of the question made Arabella pause and turn her head to face his, even more surprised when she found his shocking blue eyes looking at her as well. Spike knew he had to ask the question. He knew long before he left the Magic Box that he would be the only person to get any useful information out of the Keeper. He didn’t want to ask, but he knew he had to. So he did. Unfortunately, it meant he had to look at her.

“Someone wasn’t where they were meant to be.”

“Where were they?”

“Mexico.”

“Right. Hence Tijuana?”

“No, I just wanted to go on vacation until it was time.”

The cheeriness in he voice as she replied finally made him snap. With a growl, Spike jumped up and spun around to look down at the woman before him. “Stop with the cryptic bullshit Arabella. What the hell aren’t you telling me?”

“A lot. But I can’t tell you, because I can’t tell the Blessed, and I can’t tell the Slayer.” The way she said the words made him remember why he worked so hard to loose all relics of his human accent. All members of the true aristocratic elite could be so patronizing it cut into a person with a simple inflection of their voice. It always made him feel so stupid, so low, even as a vampire, and even though he too had the skill mastered to a fine art by the time he had finished school. With her words, he wanted to turn away and focus on anything other than the woman sitting beside him, but he had to find out the things he knew she hadn’t told the others.

“Why not?” Arabella just shrugged and cast her eyes down, unable to look Spike in the eyes. Spike grabbed her chin and made her look up. “Why not?” He emphasized his question with a flash of his demon visage. He knew she could turn him to dust at any moment, but he also knew she wouldn’t. It didn’t mean she continued to let him hold onto her chin. In a blur of motion, she was on her feet and pacing back and forth, frustration evident on her face.

“I don’t bloody well know! For the first time ever, the Powers have insured that I do not have fundamental knowledge about something. Everything has gone to hell in a hand basket, and right now I am trying to salvage what is left of the job I was meant to do. And now I have to leave, and mill around this Powers-foresaken area of the world until whatever is to come comes about. I may not like it, but that is what I have been told to do.”

Spike just ran a hand through his hair and reached for another cigarette. “So what’s the reason behind you bringing me along with you to wherever you plan to go?”

Arabella stopped her pacing and looked at the vampire softly. “There is no reason, I just want you to come. You need to get away from here. It’s not good for you.”

The pleading look on his friend’s face made the resentment and anger he was feeling fade away. “The soul doesn’t look good on me then?” Spiked smirked and waggled his eyebrows in his usual way, letting her know that they were alright again.

In response, she smiled as she always did when he made when of his comments, but then her face turned serious. “It always has, Will. I still think you need to get away for a while. Get some perspective.”

“Away from Buffy?”

“You know that’s exactly what I mean, and you know that I’m right. She’s ripping you apart more than Drusilla did in over a hundred years.”

Spike winced at the echoing of the words he had said to Buffy earlier. “You may be right, but I can’t, not right now. The Nibblet will need me if something happens.”

“What if I can guarantee that nothing will happen?”

“You can’t do that.”

“Yes I can.”

“Right.”

“I’m going to be here when the real beginning happens. I’ll make sure you’re here too. I promise you, William. She will be alright.”

“Could you just let me be for a while?”

Arabella leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. “Sure. I’ll see you tomorrow, Will.”

Arabella pushed up and started to walk away when she was stopped by Spike’s cold grip on her hand. “I’ll think about it Lamb.” With a smile and a nod, her hand slipped out of his and she started walking away.

*****

Buffy stood just outside the back door to the alley. She had just stepped out after her talk with Dawn to get some fresh air, only to be presented with a scene that made her night all the more horrible. Arabella kissing her vampire, and walking away, only to be stopped by an affectionate hand and whispered sweet nothings. She was going to be ill. She was going to yell and scream, and tell the bastard off when it hit her. She had no right to do any of those things. Buffy lowered her head and turned to re-enter the shop.

She had the door half open when she heard him clear his throat. Caught, she turned around, but was unable to look him in the eyes.

“I’m sorry - I was just coming out to get some fresh air.”

“Didn’t ask for an apology, and you’ve got no reason to give one.”

“Spike -”

“How’s the Platelet doing?”

“Okay. She’s afraid, but things are going to be alright. We talked about a lot of things. Things that should have been said a long time ago.” Spike raised his eyebrows in question, and instantly knew what he wanted to know. “No, I didn’t tell her about us.”

Spike chuckled lightly. “I didn’t know there was an us.”

“There could be.”

“As long as nobody knows, right?”

“You know it’s not that way.”

“No, I don’t, Buffy. It’s always been that way before.”

“Please.” Buffy looked pleadingly at the vampire, her one hand still holding the door half open, anchoring her as she waited for his response.

“We’ve already had this discussion Buffy. I can’t do this again.”

“Please just listen to me. I need you here.”

“Don’t worry, I was just assured by a very reliable source that nothing would happen to Dawn if I were to go away for awhile.”

“That’s not what I meant Spike. I need you.” And she did. She needed him to support her, to be there to tell her what she refused to see. She needed him to watch her back, and to keep her company as she wandered the nights. He was the only one that ever made the ever-present feeling of loneliness that had become a constant in her life go away. She needed his kisses, and his touches. She needed his arms wrapped around her, protecting her. She needed to be able to see his eyes, and the uninhibited emotion they always displayed. She needed that smell that was distinctly him, and that way it always seemed to linger long after he had left the vicinity. She needed their talks, and his advice. She needed everything that only he could give her. She needed him.

“It’s not enough Buffy.” The sincerity in her voice as she said the words, and the look in her eyes almost made him crack. Almost made him forget his anger and frustration, and pull her into his embrace. But he didn’t. Because he really had had enough.

“Why can’t it be? Why can’t we wait and tell everyone about us in time.”

“Because there is no us if we wait. Like there hasn’t been an us. Buffy and Spike. Slayer and Vampire. Not us, or we, or any other group term, however much we shag. Because to be an us, they need to know.”

Buffy’s lower lip trembled and she blinked back tears as she tried to get him to listen to her. “Please, just hear me -”

“I have to go.” Spike couldn’t hear anymore. He had to get away from her, because even after having enough, if she began to cry he knew he wouldn’t be able to walk away. “Tell the Bit I’ll stop by before I head out.” With that Spike headed off into the darkness, only vaguely hearing with his vampire hearing the words Buffy whispered.

“I just want to be sure I’ll be strong enough to walk away from them if they make me choose.” As soon as he rounded the corner out of the alleyway, she let the door slam and sunk to the ground, finally giving into the gut wrenching sobs she had been suppressing since the beginning of the evening.

*****

On the other side of the door, Xander stood slack-jawed, still trying to process what he just heard.

Buffy sat and looked over her backyard, slowly sipping the tea she held between both hands. It was yet another gorgeous day in Southern California, but the sun wasn’t lifting her spirits. It just made her all the more tired. All she wanted was to escape for a few moments, to get a breath of fresh air and to collect her thoughts before she started moving again. The back porch had always been her place to do that. This time all it did was remind her of the primary reason she needed a breather.

It had been a long twenty four hours, longer than she could have thought possible. After her disastrous conversation with Spike, their second disastrous conversation, and the subsequent half hour before Buffy could reign in her emotions, she had gone back into the Magic Box to talk with the Scoobies and see if they had learned any more about the Legend and Dawn’s role as Bhagavantu. She had found Dawn hibernating in a corner of the shop, Anya sitting around with her usual bored expression, Willow and Tara pouring over the small book Arabella had given them, and Xander sitting in the middle of the room with a contemplative expression on his face.

Buffy instantly new what he was thinking, and before he could say a word, she had told him to go pack for his honeymoon and, with Anya’s more than eager help, shoved him out the door. The entire time he had been opening his mouth to object, but she didn’t let him speak. She could not deal with a pissy ex-vengeance demon on top of everything else, and if she had let him speak, he would have insisted on postponing the honeymoon, and that was not an option. She would not let him miss out on something as important as that, even if there was a possibility the world was about to end.

After a few more hours of research, the remaining women had not learnt anything new, but they had been able to confirm what Arabella said. Dawn was the Blessed, but it didn’t mean apocalypse. And Buffy’s instincts were backing it up, she had always felt a strange hum when there was something big rising in Sunnydale, and, blessedly, she hadn’t been feeling it.

So Buffy had told the other three women to pack it in, and that they would deal with it tomorrow. When Dawn had not-so-subtly tried to convince her that she shouldn’t go to school, Buffy had reminded her of their conversation and how normal it was that she had to go. Grudgingly, Dawn had headed out that morning, accompanied by Willow as she headed towards the university campus. So Buffy had a few moments alone, and she was trying to clear her mind before she had to face the multitude of problems that had been thrown her way.

Sighing, Buffy looked over he shoulder, half expecting to see the black duster and bleached hair that would usually join her when she was feeling miserable enough to make a commune to the back porch. But, of course, he wasn’t there. And he never will be again. The thought made Buffy have to blink back tears. She had screwed everything up, her now non-existent job, her relationships with her friends and sister, and with the person that mattered most. And no matter how much she thought about it now, and no matter how much she could repair everything else, she knew last night was her last chance with Spike.

Buffy reached up and wiped the tears away from her face, her blinking tactic having failed miserably. She was really getting sick of crying. Sighing, Buffy looked down at the newspaper sitting beside her. It was time to focus on her other problems, the ones she could fix.

Just as Buffy started to peruse the employment section of the classifieds, she heard the distinct sound of the kitchen door opening. Whipping her head around, she couldn’t help the irrational hope that maybe it just was her vampire fill her head, only to be abruptly brought back to reality by a nervous looking Tara.

“Buffy, hi. I hope you don’t mind, I left a book here yesterday afternoon and was, was just stopping by to pick it up.” Tara anxiously looked at her friend, the brief glimpse of hope, and then utter despair that had welcomed her making her very concerned. When Buffy didn’t reply, Tara knew that there was definitely something on the Slayer’s brain. Stepping forward, Tara sat down on the step beside Buffy, not really sure what she should do next.

“Is… is everything alright?” When the only response Tara got was Buffy’s lower lip trembling, accompanied by downcast eyes, Tara knew what the answer was. After a few minutes of silence, Tara took a deep breath and gathered her courage. “Do you want to talk about it? I mean, it’s OK if you don’t. But, you know, last night’s news was big, and scary, and we all care about Dawn greatly…”

Buffy caught the timid witch off with something between a snort and a sob, blinking back tears as she looked over at her friend. “I’m doing OK on that front. Definitely not great, but it’s the kind of thing I can deal with - it’s slayer related. I know I can handle that. It’s just…” Buffy couldn’t say the words out loud. She tried, but to actually vocalize what had happened between her and Spike the evening before was impossible.

“Spike.” With the single word, Tara opened a floodgate. She suddenly found herself with a sobbing Buffy in her arms. She wasn’t surprised. Tara had put two and two together at the meeting the night before - Buffy’s insistence on waiting for Spike, the way she had looked at him at Anya and Xander’s wedding, the look in his eyes when he had said he was leaving - it all screamed that Buffy would be a complete wreck once she had time to face it, and Tara was glad that she was there to help her friend through it. Whispering comforting words and rocking her friends back and forth, Tara settled back, prepared to sit with Buffy for however long she needed her.

After easily twenty minutes of Buffy crying harder than she had cried ever before, Tara’s soothing words penetrated her distraught brain. With one last sob, and a wipe of her tear-streaked cheeks, Buffy sat back and looked at her friend. “I really screwed up.”

With a calm that Buffy had only ever associated with her mother before meeting Tara, Tara smiled gently and took Buffy’s hand, squeezing it gently. “Do you want to tell me what happened?”

“I don’t really know where to begin.”

“Just say what’s on your mind. We’ll figure it out from there.”

Buffy gave Tara a weak smile, grateful that she had at least one friend she could turn to. Looking out over the backyard, Buffy took a deep breath and began.

When I first came back, I wanted to claw my skin off sometimes, it felt so wrong. But that feeling would go away whenever I was with Spike. That horrified me - that the only time I felt comfortable was when I was with the thing I was meant to kill. And it scared me so much. I couldn’t understand how I could want to be with something I was created to kill. I was so angry with myself, with my feelings, so disgusted. And I turned it all on him.”

“I keep thinking of when Faith was in my body, just before we switched back, she had me pinned to the ground. And she was hitting me, hitting herself so violently. And she was screaming. She was yelling at herself, telling herself how disgusting she was, how wrong. And just before I initiated the switch back, I looked up and it scared me so much. To see myself, with the look of disgust and rage on my face. I horrified me that I could even look that way. It rips me apart inside that I understand now how she was feeling, the pain. I understand what it feels like to look in the mirror and hate yourself. To want to be anyone but yourself. And I hate that forever, Spike is going to have the same memory I have, of seeing my face full of disgust and rage as I beat him.”

At the look of shock on Tara’s face, Buffy knew she would have to go into details she hated to even think about. But she knew she had to; that she needed to. Even if she was never going to see Spike again, she had to face all the things she had done, all the things they had done to one another.

“When I was in the alley behind the police precinct, right before I went in to confess about the murder, Spike tried to stop me. He pleaded with me, tried to get me to turn around and walk away with him. But I wouldn’t. So, of course, being the stubborn asshole that he is, he kept persisting so I hit him, and we started to fight. He was just letting me hit him, get my anger out. And then he called me his girl. And for a moment, my heart just melted. And I got so angry, angry at myself, angry at him, angry at everything. And I beat him. I beat him until he wasn’t recognizable. And he still looked up at me with love.

“And then, after the wedding, we had talked, and we were going to tell everyone that we were together. Things were going to be okay with us, and it felt so good. And then everything went so wrong with everything else in my life, so I blamed him. I did the exact same thing I swore I would never do again, but this time, he didn’t look at me with that love. There was hurt, so much of it. And I realized that we weren’t ready to tell everyone, that we needed to fix things between us before we could even think of dealing with the reactions of everyone else. But it was too late, and he’s gone now. And I just keep thinking maybe if I had told him, maybe if I had told him before, everything would be different.”

“Told him what?”

“The answer to your question.”

Tara just raised her eyebrows, knowing that she was referring to when she had asked if Buffy loved the bleached vampire.

Wiping the tears away that had until now gone unnoticed, Buffy looked Tara in the eye, “I do.” Before Tara could say anything in response, Buffy stood up, picking her empty mug and newspaper up as she went. “Please - don’t say anything right now. I think we’ve seen a crying Buffy enough for one day. I just… Thanks for listening to me. I just wish… Wait, no wishes. It’s just, sometimes I want to go back in time and smack myself for being so stupid and so blind… I guess it’s too late for that now though.”

Nodding at Buffy’s request, Tara smiled gently. “If you want to talk about it more, or anything at all, remember that I’m here for you.”

“I think I’ll hold you to that one Tara. I just, I need some time.” With that, Buffy walked into her kitchen, determined to sit down and find a job.

*****

Spike rubbed his eyes wearily as he looked around his closet for his favourite red shirt. He hadn’t worn it in a while, but he refused to travel without it. He was exhausted, annoyed, miserable, and to top it all off, getting ready for a long car ride with a woman who insisted on listening to music, that in his humble opinion, was electronic crap created by a warlock who wanted to see everyone rip their ears off. And of course, the fact that she was forcing him to play it in his own bloody home did not help. It really was the icing on the Crush-Spike cake that had become so popular. But maybe he was just in a bad mood from not getting any shut eye and running out of cigarettes during prime daylight hours. Not finding his shirt was the last thing he needed.

Getting down on all four knees, Spike started to dig through the pile of clothing and blankets he had thrown into his closet the week before, and began to systematically shuffle through it, grinding his teeth to the pulsing beat behind him as he did so.

“What on earth are you doing Will?” Arabella looked at the vampire with an amused grin on her face as she plopped down on his bed and dug into the plate of wings she had just retrieved from the kitchen. She had been sitting in Spike’s apartment for over two hours and he had yet to utter a complete sentence to her, and the words he had uttered were just mean. She had tempted him with cigarette breaks, blood breaks, and was currently trying to draw his attention with spicy wings, but he had yet to even properly acknowledge her presence. He was somewhere else, and she was five minutes away from going mad if he didn’t come back to the present.

“Have you seen my good red shirt, Lamb? I can’t bloody well find it anywhere.”

“Oh, you already packed it. Remember?”

Spike groaned and rubbed his eyes again. “Ari, could you please shut off that racket? I can’t bloody concentrate with that shit blasting away.”

“What’s up your arse, today? You’ve been nothing but mean since I got here.” Even as she complained, she got up and moved to flick the music off.

“Nothing, I’m tired.” Spike spoke through gritted teeth, not wanting to get into everything.

“Right. I’ll believe that one when I see you do Swan Lake in an electric pink tutu. What’s bothering you?”

“Nothing.”

“William…”

“God, Ari, can’t you just leave it be!”

“Not when it’s obvious you need to vent.”

“Just leave me alone. I’m not in the mood to talk.” Spike violently threw the clump of pants into his bag and strode back over to the closet.

“However, you are in the mood to assault innocent trousers. Whatever would your Slayer say?”

Spike froze mid motion and turned around slowly, an angry look on his face. “What did you just say?”

“Calm down Will, it was just a joke.”

“Well it wasn’t funny.”

Silence enveloped the room as Spike continued to pack and Arabella picked at the wings Spike hadn’t even noticed. Looking at the way her friend was haphazardly throwing clothing and other items into his bag, Arabella could tell his mind was somewhere else. Much to Arabella’s chagrin, the only place his mind ever went was to a specific blond she really didn’t like. “What did she do now?”

Spike just looked at her with a combination of annoyance, anger, and sadness. He knew she would figure out what was bothering him sooner rather than later, he just hoped they would be on the road and away from Sunnydale before she did. If he answered her question, he was going to have a very angry higher being on his hands, and it was the last thing he wanted or needed. Of course, the one thing he both wanted and needed, he would never have.

When he didn’t respond, Arabella sighed and walked over to the vampire, taking the bag in his hands away. “Well?”

“Well what? There’s nothing to say.”

“I’m assuming the news about your soul made her come running back to you? Because that makes you good in her eyes? God, she is such a typical human being.”

“Arabella, don’t start.” Spike spoke the words softly, but the tone in his voice held venom. The last thing he wanted to here was one of Arabella’s tirades against Buffy, especially one that was so far from what had really happened.

“Why not? Someone should say it aloud. It just pisses me off that she can -”

“Just shut it! For Christ’s sake, Arabella, just leave it be.”

“I’m sorry if I find it difficult to leave something be when it’s obviously hurting one of my dearest friends so much. I will not stand to see you walked on and hurt like this!”

“Well then you’re going to have to find a way to stop me from hurting myself, because I’m the one who bollixed everything up this time!”

At the angry retort, Arabella’s growing anger died, and confusion took its place. Cocking her head to the side, she looked at Spike, a thoughtful expression on her face. “Would you mind clarifying that last statement for me?”

Spike just grimaced. For the last twenty-four hours, the words he heard Buffy whisper as he left the alley kept running through his head. He couldn’t figure out what the hell she had meant by them, but they inspired a nagging feeling in his gut that made him very uneasy. Spike sat down on the corner of the bed and motioned for Ari to sit beside him.

“I just want to be sure I’ll be strong enough to walk away from them if they make me choose.”

“Sorry?” Sitting beside him, Arabella looked at Spike as if he was speaking a foreign language.

“I just want to be sure I’ll be strong enough to walk away from them if they make me choose. It's what Buffy said, last night. I don’t think I was meant to hear her.”

“Interesting. And why would she say such a thing?”

“We, well, she and I, had talked after the wedding the other night. And we were going to give it another go, and tell all her friends. But then, as you know, I was late getting to the Magic Box last night, and she blew up at me. We argued. I said I couldn’t do it anymore - fight and make up, fight and make up. That’s when I decided to take you up on your offer. Get away from it all. And then, after everything with the Bit, we saw each other again. And when I was leaving, that’s what she said.”

“Did she say anything else?”

“Yeah, about being good inside before dealing with the outside.”

“Before or after?” When she was met by a blank expression, she rolled her eyes and tried again. “Which conversation, Will?”

“Oh, ah, that was in the first.”

“Interesting.”

“You’ve already said that, Lamb.”

“Well, it’s interesting. Can I ask you something? How does she make you feel? I mean, I know that, technically, I’ve felt your feelings, but they often get skewed a bit by my own feelings. Also, your subconscious can sometimes get intermingled and certain feelings are much more vibrant than others. Plus, I’m not actually in the situations I absorb, and I only see them from a perspective, and, of course, as time passes, memories change to suit your current perspective… Sorry, on a tangent there. So how does she make you feel?”

Spike paused and closed his eyes. Every memory of Buffy he had flashed through his head and he couldn’t help but relish the feelings that rushed few him at her very thought. Looking at Arabella, Spike smiled gently. “It’s not like with Dru. Dru and I, well, it was all about the darkness and the pain. I don’t need to tell you that. But with Buffy, it’s like she makes everything a little lighter. But it’s not all sunshine and daisies either. She’s a challenge, always has been. Makes me have to think on my toes and I love that. She makes everything seem stronger, more vibrant, more significant. Even the things I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about before,” Spike was lost in his thoughts as he thought about the Slayer. “You should see her fight; nothing like it in the world. And I should know - I’ve seen enough Slayers in my day to be able to say that she’s special. When she’s fighting, it’s the only time she lets go and she’s just so bloody beautiful. But it’s not just that, it’s everything about her. She fills me up and I just…” Spike paused and thought for a moment. Focusing back on Ari, he looked directly in her eyes, “She makes me sink. The very thought of her makes me sink. And all I want to do is sink deeper and deeper.”

For a few minutes, the two friends just sat there in silent contemplation. Neither even moved. They just thought about the words Spike had said, and the meaning behind them. When Arabella was sure Spike had gathered himself and would be ready to listen to her, she finally spoke.

“You just had to go and say that, didn’t you? And now I have to ensure your happiness,” Arabella leaned over and smacked Spike across the back of his head. Spike yelped, and jumped from the bed. Swearing and rubbing his head, he looked at her accusingly. “You deserved that because you’re an idiot. More so than I thought. And now I have to make you see what you’re being too blind and stubborn to see, and I really don’t like that girl. She loves you.”

“What in bloody hell are you talking about?”

“She may not say it, but it’s as plain as day to anyone who isn’t looking to deny it. What she’s been trying to tell you, you wanker, is that she’s scared shitless about how she feels and is so bloody confused about everything that if she told her friends and they acted like the small-minded nitwits they seem to be, she wouldn’t be able to stand up to them. She’d bend to their pressure to dump you, and wouldn’t be able to tell them to piss off. She wants to wait until she’s confident enough in your bloody relationship that she’s able to tell them to all go to hell if they give you a hard time. And she’s right.”

“What?”

“Please don’t make me repeat the obvious. A bloody three year could have figured it out. It also helps to have several hundred years of experience, and an almost infinite wealth of knowledge at your finger tips.”

“Oh.”

Arabella ground her teeth and glared at the bleached vampire. “Don’t make me have to smack some more sense into you, Will.” Spike just looked at her, an unreadable expression on his face. “I guess this means I should help you unpack.”

“I don’t really quite know yet, Lamb.”

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