Chapter 1:

*

Here lies Cecily Hartley, beloved wife and mother. Tragedy stole her and Emily away from us, but she shall live on in our hearts.

1976 - 2004

May she rest in peace

Spike stared down at his wife's grave, clutching his tiny baby to him protectively. Thomas snuggled into his father's shoulder, burbling happily to himself even though his father was crying.

The day was overcast and matched Spike's mood. The pain he was experiencing showed no signs of lifting, it consumed him and was eating away at him. Spike squeezed his eyes shut, trying to stop more tears from falling.

It was all too much. Thomas started crying, disturbed by a crack of thunder from above. Spike placed his son in the pram and lifted the hood to protect the child as rain fell from the sky. Spike fell to his knees and placed one white rose on Cecily's grave, and one pink rose on the neighbouring grave - his second child's. Emily had been born only minutes after Thomas, and with eyes to match her father's, she was Spike's second pride and joy.

Are you William Hartley?

Spike buried his head in his hands, trying to block out the many tortured memories.

I'm very sorry to tell you this, sir.. your wife and daughter are dead. There was a head on crash.. head on crash.. head on crash..

He could hear Thomas wailing, begging to be taken out of the rain, pleading to be cuddled.

Thomas is fine, however, he was strapped safely into his seat. Cecily and Emily were thrown from the car.. thrown from the car.. thrown from the car..

With Thomas wailing, the thunder and lightning sounding loudly, and the echoing voices in his head, it was all too much. Spike threw his head back and screamed into the night sky, releasing all the pain within him.

*

"Shh, Auntie Willow's got you now." She cuddled Thomas with one arm, using her spare hand to smooth Spike's wet hair. "He could have caught a cold, you know. Colds can kill babies - you need to be careful with him."

Another sob hitched in Spike's throat and he buried his face in Willow's shoulder. "I almost murdered my own son."

"Oh.. no!" Willow cried. "I didn't mean that, honey."

"Maybe you didn't, I did." Spike muttered, pulling away from her.

She pulled Spike closer and held him until his sobs subsided. Thomas hiccupped, grasping at Spike's blonde hair. "Pa."

"Aww.. hear that? He called you his 'pa'!" Willow kissed the baby on the forehead. "Clever, clever boy."

Thomas giggled, tugging at Spike's nose. Spike ignored it and got to his feet. "I'm going to bed."

"I'll put Thomas down." Willow said softly, watching as her brother disappeared upstairs. She sighed and went into the kitchen, placing Thomas in his booster chair. "Your daddy loves you, you know. He's just having a hard time now."

Thomas gurgled quietly, stretching his arms out as he yawned. Willow scooped him up and carried the boy upstairs to his bedroom. She laid him down in his cot and turned on the mobile hanging above the crib. A harmony of "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" floated out, and Thomas started lulling off to sleep.

Spike had initially refused any help, insisting he knew what was best for Thomas and didn't need anyone else. Over time though, things had become worse, and Willow had moved in. But now she had a new job offer in LA and didn't have the heart to leave Spike on his own for fear of risking his wellbeing along with his son's. She returned downstairs and flipped through the newspaper until she found the ad she'd circled the previous day.

Experienced Babysitter looking to be a full time Nanny/Maid. Offering full time services if a room is available. Call Buffy Summers.

Staring at a glossy photo of Cecily, Spike, Em and Thomas on the fridge made her almost sick. They were all smiling so brightly - Willow picked up the phone and dialled the number. Upstairs, she could hear Spike crying still, and all doubts fled her mind. Her brother needed help. She wanted to see him smile that way again.

*

TBC - do you like it so far? :-) This will be my main WIP along with "This Thing We Have" when I've finished "Lost Without You".
 

Chapter 2:
*

Spike managed to crawl out of bed and hurry to Thomas, who was wailing loudly at the sound of someone bashing on the door. He stormed downstairs, gurgling baby slung over his hip, and wrenched the door open. "What the fuck is it?"

A blonde girl stared back at him, appearing flustered by his rude greeting. "Hi.. I'm Buffy Summers. You must be William?"

"Oh. You're the nanny chit." Spike rolled his eyes. "Come on, get inside."

Buffy was taken aback by his lack of manners. "What did you just call me?"

"Here's the kid." Spike jumped Thomas in her arms. "His name is Thomas. I call him Teddy, but you can't, because that's MY name for him."

Buffy smiled down at the baby, ignoring his father. "Aren't you precious?"

Spike narrowed his eyes at her, studying the girl carefully. She was bright and chirpy, cuddling his baby as though he was her own. He had to admit she was pretty, but Spike had already decided he hated her. "You realise how early you woke me?"

Buffy stared at him. "Um, it's past 11."

Spike shrugged. "That's still early for me."

"Has Tommy been fed?"

"Don't call him Tommy." Spike snatched his son away. "I'll tend to it."

"He's not an 'it'!" Buffy cried, horrified.

"I meant the bloody breakfast, woman!" Spike snapped and stormed into the kitchen.

She didn't know whether to follow him or not - she was actually slightly scared of the guy, and contemplated leaving. But before she could make a run for the door, Spike returned with Thomas and a can of baby food. "You cook?"

"Yes." Buffy said softly, watching as he spoon-fed the baby. His actions were a little rough, but Thomas seemed perfectly happy, babbling and chomping away.

"You clean?"

"Yes."

"Okay then. Did all the same that Red did. I'll show you your room." Spike went upstairs, gesturing for Buffy to follow. Thomas squirmed in his arms, whimpering slightly. "Calm down, Teddy. Wait a sec, I'll put him down."

"I can hold him." Buffy offered.

Spike handed her the baby and pulled a packet of cigarettes out of his pocket. "In here."

He led her into a room painted a nice pale yellow. Sun sept in through the windows, there was a fireplace in the corner, and a walk-in closet. Buffy instantly loved it. "It's amazing."

"Used to be my wife's study." Spike frowned as he lit the cigarette. He shook away thoughts of Cecily and stared out the window.

"I'm sorry about your wife and daughter." Buffy put her hand on his arm.

Spike glared at her, blowing smoke in her face deliberately. "None of your goddamned business."

"Um, William?" Buffy bit her lip and stared up at him helplessly. "I don't smoke."

"Didn't offer you one."

"I mean.." Buffy sighed. "You shouldn't be smoking around a baby. Also, it's rude to smoke around me. I won't have it."

Spike's eyes widened slightly. "You telling me what to do?"

"Yes." Buffy crossed her arms. "I think it would be best for Thomas, you and myself if you quit."

"You're asking me to quit?" Spike asked, eyes widening all the more. He couldn't decide whether he was seriously pissed off at her, or starting to respect her for being so bold.

"I hate smokers. They're digging their own grave. Lung cancer killed my mom. Either you quit, or I do." Buffy said firmly, glaring at him.

Spike took the cigarette out of his mouth and fizzled it out in an ashtray. "Alright then."

Buffy smiled at him. "Thankyou."

"Can you keep the kid entertained?" Spike patted Thomas's head. "I'll see you later, mate."

"Where are you going?" Buffy asked, bouncing Thomas on her hip to keep him happy.

Spike shrugged and disappeared into a room Buffy assumed was his. She looked down at Thomas and cuddled him. "Why don't we go have some fun?"

Thomas giggled and reached up to slap her nose. Buffy grinned at him and carried him downstairs into the kitchen and froze.

Pots, pans and plates were stacked up high on the sink along with several empty liquor bottles. It stunk of smoke and Buffy could see several of Thomas's nappies littered around the floor.

She ran back upstairs and deposited Thomas in his playpen where he squirmed about among his toys. "Stay here, okay honey?"

*

Spike went into Thomas's room and stared down at his son. Thomas yelled out, "PA!", and reached up at Spike desperately.

Spike smiled and picked the baby up, lifting him over his head and swinging him around. Thomas screeched happily, clutching to his father's head when Spike brought him back down.

"Oi, leggo of me." Spike pried the sticky baby hands away and cuddled Thomas in his arms. "I do love you, Ted."

Thomas stared up at his father with big blue eyes. "Pa?"

Spike chuckled and sat the baby on his shoulder. "Let's go get you some icecream, eh? I think you deserve a treat."

He went downstairs and stopped when he found himself face to face with a furious Buffy. "I quit."

"Excuse me?" Spike handed Thomas to her and went into the kitchen. "Nice job cleaning up, luv."

"Don't call me that."

"Sure thing, pet."

"Stop it!" Buffy watched as he spooned chocolate icecream into the bowl. It was her favourite type - double chocolate cream - and she almost reconsidered her decision to quit. "I'm quitting."

"It's only been a day. Not even that." Spike sat Thomas in his booster and started feeding him the icecream. "What's this mate? Show the chit how clever my boy is."

"Cream!" Thomas cried, chocolate dribbling down his chin.

"Close enough." Spike smiled up at Buffy. "Isn't he cute?"

"I was on my hands and knees cleaning from 11:15 until now! It's past 5!"

"It's part of your job." Spike pointed out. A smirk crossed his face and he added, "I pay you to be on your hands and knees. We could organise a little costume for you, pet. A right good show that'd be."

Buffy glared at him. "You pig!"

"You do back massages?" Spike sat down and wriggled his shoulders.

Buffy let out a sigh of frustration. "Willow said you'd be difficult."

"She did, eh? Well, she's the one who decided to move." Spike turned and glared at Thomas, who was banging the spoon against the empty bowl. "You mind? Some people have hangovers."

"That's the problem!" Buffy cried. "You smoke, you drink, you swear, you don't clean and you're horrible! You don't deserve to keep this child! He should be taken away to be with parents who LOVE him!"

Spike stood up and stared at her, eyes wild with fury. "You think I don't love him?"

Buffy remained silent.

"He's all I have left. I love him more than anyone or anything." Spike blinked tears back, trying to keep his brave face. "Maybe I drink and smoke.. I do that because I have no idea how to handle any of this. That's why you're here. To help."

"I know." Buffy said in a small voice. "I.. I'm.. well, I'm sorry."

"So you should be." Spike muttered and left the room without another word.

Buffy sat down, shocked by what had just happened. She pulled Thomas into her lap and cuddled him. He wriggled against her, cooing to himself. He glanced up at Buffy with his big blue eyes and said in a small voice, "Quit?"

"No, honey." Buffy kissed him softly. "No quit."

*
 

Chapter 3:

*

"Hello?" Buffy balanced Thomas on her hip as she answered the phone.

"It's Willow.. I was just calling to check up on my guys."

"Yeah.. when you told me about this job, you said there was one baby, not two."

"There is one baby.." Willow sighed heavily. "Is Spike being difficult?"

"Spike?" Buffy frowned and cuddled Thomas as he sucked on his fingers.

"Oh.. that's his nickname from highschool. How is he?"

"Um.." Buffy wondered whether she should sugar-coat the truth or not. "He's okay."

"Be honest."

"He drinks too much, he spends most of the day in his room - drinking by the way - he's chauvinistic and rude.." Buffy paused. "I don't think I can do this."

"Do what?" Spike's voice startled her and Buffy almost dropped both the phone and Thomas.

"Oh.. um.. I gotta go Willow. See ya." She hung up and smiled at him sheepishly. "Nothing."

"You got my breakfast ready?"

"It's 1:30." Buffy handed him Thomas.

"Okay, you got my lunch ready?" Spike sat down and bounced Thomas on his knee. "What did my sister want?"

"She wanted to check up on us." Buffy pulled some left-overs out of the fridge along with Thomas's baby food. "You okay with leftover Chinese?"

Spike nodded. "Sounds okay. Tell me about yourself, kitten."

Buffy turned to glare at him. "What did I say about calling me that?"

Spike smirked at her. "Do it?"

She gave him a withering look and put the food in the microwave to heat.

"How old are you?" Spike asked.

"I'm 26. You?"

"29. Oh, bugger it!!"

Buffy turned around and stifled a laugh - Thomas had thrown up all over Spike's shirt. "It'll teach you to bounce him up and down like that."

Spike frowned at her, handing her Thomas so she could clean the unphased baby up. He then took his shirt off and threw it in the nearby laundry hamper. Buffy stared at him, wishing she could tear her eyes away from the spectacular sight of his bare chest. But her eyes were busy admiring the defined muscles that were everywhere - on his arms, his abs, his torso, his back.

Thomas started drooling on her neck and Buffy turned her attention to the child, very grateful for the interruption. She went to the fridge to get Thomas's wipes and stared at the photo of Spike, his wife, Thomas and his other child. Buffy instantly felt awful for being attracted to a man who was still mourning the death of two loved ones and shook away any thoughts of lust or affection for him.

She was just here to work for him. That was all.

*

Spike was sprawled out on the couch with Thomas tucked safely in his arms as they watched TV together. Buffy was sitting at the end of the couch, completely uncomfortable with the situation. Even though Spike's heels were digging into her leg, and he'd been rude to her all afternoon, they were acting too much like a family.

"I'm going to go to bed." Buffy said softly, getting up.

"Stay and watch the rest." Spike replied distantly, staring at the screen. "It's a good movie."

"Was it one of Cecily's?" Buffy asked, somehow thinking 'My Best Friend's Wedding' was too girly for Spike.

Spike didn't reply, but when Buffy glanced over, she saw tears in his eyes and instantly regretted speaking of Cecily. "Spike.. um, William.. are you okay?"

"On second thoughts, I'll watch the rest in the morning." Spike handed Buffy a sleeping Thomas and disappeared upstairs. "G'night."

Buffy watched as he disappeared upstairs and could have sworn she heard a sob escape him as he shut his bedroom door. Ever so quietly, she placed Thomas down and crept upstairs, stopping at Spike's door to listen.

He was crying. It almost broke her heart to hear it, and Buffy didn't know why. It wasn't like she and Spike were close - she barely knew him and he obviously hated her. But she regarded him as such a strong man, and now he was crying as though he were the baby.

She felt like going inside and holding him, or talking to him, but she doubted Spike would accept any offer of affection. Buffy returned downstairs.

She picked up Thomas and whispered, "Time for bed, honey."

"Pa?"

"No.." Buffy cuddled the tiny child to her. "Pa isn't feeling well right now."

Thomas rested his head on Buffy's shoulder and yawned as she carried him upstairs to bed. She tucked him in and kissed him softly. "Night, night honey."

She turned on his music mobile and tiptoed out of the room.

*

"Get off me." Spike groaned as Buffy prodded him in the back.

"Me and Tommy are going to the park. You want to come?"

"I want to sleep." Spike buried his face in the pillows and waited for her to go away.

"Thomas wants you to come." Buffy said softly and laid the squirming baby down beside his father. "Don't you, Tommy?"

Thomas swatted Spike on the cheek and shrieked happily.

"Bugger off." Spike muttered, reluctantly peering up at his son.

Thomas stared back with big blue eyes. Giggling, he cried out, "Pa!"

"See?" Buffy smiled at Spike.

He glared back at her. "What's the time?"

"It's 10:30. Tommy's had his breakfast, and I thought we could have brunch at the park."

It did sound awfully appealing - and Thomas clearly wasn't taking no for an answer. "Pa?"

"Fine." Spike grumbled and swung his legs over the side of the bed, accidentally letting the sheet slip.

"Oh!" Buffy covered her mouth and turned away. "God.. I'm sorry. I didn't know you'd be.. naked."

Spike covered himself quickly and handed her Thomas. "It's okay, kitten. Don't mind me."

"Sure.. the human body's a beautiful thing." Buffy said, blushing as she carried Thomas out of the room. Beautiful must be the understatement of the year for that body.

She hurried downstairs and collected the picnic basket, checking her reflection in the chrome door of the fridge as Thomas wriggled around in her arms. Not that I care what I look like for Spike.. it's not like he'd ever be attracted to me..

"Ready to go, kitten?" Spike leant closer to Buffy and for a moment she was sure he was about to kiss her, but soon realized he was only doing so to collect Thomas. "You all ready, Teddy?"


"Pa!!" Thomas cried and clung to Spike.

"And up we go." Spike lifted the boy onto his shoulders. "What's for brunch, kitten?"

"I got some croissants from the bakery." Buffy smiled at him shyly. "Do you want to walk to the park or drive? It's fairly close, right?"

"There's one just around the corner." Spike said and led her out the door. "He can be right fussy at the park, you know. Don't say I didn't warn you."

Buffy looked at him questioningly. "Huh?"

"He doesn't like other kids much. He loves the swings, but hates the slides. His favourite is making sandcastles, so I hope you brought his tools."

Buffy nodded and smiled up at Thomas. "You ready for the park, honey?"

Thomas cried out happily, squirming as Spike and Buffy turned the corner. Spike removed his son from his shoulders and deposited him in the sandpit. He then handed the baby a teddy bear which he threw around happily as Buffy and Spike laid out the picnic blanket.

"You never got around to telling me about yourself." Spike said as they ate their croissants, watching Thomas carefully as he crawled around the sandpit, giggling as his hands sunk into the sand.

"Well.." Buffy smiled at him. "I used to live with my mom and sister, but when I turned 18 my mom died. Dawnie was only 14, so she had to go live with my dad."

Spike noticed Buffy's face crumpled into a frown as she thought of her father. "Not a nice guy?"

Speaking as though every word she uttered was poison, Buffy said angrily, "He abandoned us when I was just five."

Spike smiled sympathetically. "Same with mine. Well, I was actually seven. Still hurt though. He's had other kids since then... been a loyal dad to that lot."

"Ouch." Buffy said quietly and they both turned to watch Thomas.

He stretched his arms out and yelled, "Pa!"

Spike got to his feet and ran to sweep Thomas up off the ground. "What is it, buddy?"

"Sing! Sing!" Thomas cried, pointing to the swing-set.

Buffy watched as Spike ran over to the swings, holding Thomas high in the air. She felt all warm and fuzzy as Spike sat on the swing and held Thomas in his lap, kicking off so they swung high up in the air. Thomas screeched happily, laughing madly along with his father as they went higher and higher.

Spike looked over and met her gaze, and Buffy was sure she was about to melt when he smiled at her. She collected her camera from her bag and snapped photo after photo of Spike and Thomas.

It was memories like this she'd want to keep for the rest of her life.. Buffy wished Spike felt the same way.

*
 

Chapter 4:
*

"Oh my god!" Anya and Tara cried, admiring the photos of Spike and Thomas on the swing.

"He is one tasty specimen." Anya said with raised eyebrows.

Buffy nodded shyly. "He is really nice."

"So do you think he likes you too?" Tara asked, sipping her coffee.

"No. I mean, he's just lost his wife. He's all sad and weepy. There's no way he'll want a relationship right now." Buffy tucked the photos back in her purse.

"But a guy's gotta have sex, right?" Anya said loudly, drawing the attention of several other people in the coffee shop. "Serious! The male body craves sexual activity. It's like this Thomas - he needs stuff like food and milk to live, just as Spike needs sex."

"Keep your voice down!" Buffy said, going bright red as people stared.

"Besides, as attractive as Buffy is," Tara started, not wanting to hurt Buffy's feelings, "Spike would probably rather be having sex with his wife."

"So what's he gonna do? Dig up the coffin and molest a dead body?" Anya slammed her fist down on the table to emphasize her point. "No. I'm pretty sure the hot young nanny is the better option."

"Don't be stupid." Buffy said, frowning at Anya. "And also vile."

Anya shrugged. "Just saying."

"How about a G rated conversation - how's Thomas?" Tara smiled at Buffy.

"He's lovely." Buffy smiled, warming at the mere thought of the baby boy. "He's so sweet, and beautiful.. I love him."

"Like father like son." Anya noted.

"I'd actually better get back to them. Thomas cried all night last night.. I think he may be teething."

"Good luck with the sexy single father!" Anya called after her.

*

Buffy returned home and found Spike clutching Thomas to him as the baby wailed loudly, soothed by nothing.

"What the hell is the matter with him?" Spike asked, dumping Thomas in Buffy's arms. "He won't be quiet!"

"I got him a teething ring on the way home.. I reckon that's what it is. He's the right age." Buffy pulled a rubber pretzel out of her bag and gently stuck it in Thomas's mouth. The baby was silent for a moment, then started slurping on the object eagerly.

Buffy glanced up at Spike and saw he was close to tears. "Hey.. calm down. It's gonna be fine."

"I don't know how to handle all of this." Spike said softly, tears spilling down his face. "I'm not meant to have to handle this all on my own."

"You're not on your own. I'm here." Before she could stop herself, Buffy threw her arms around him and held him as close to her as possible. "I know it's hard. But you're doing so great."

"You think so?" Spike pulled away and smiled at her hopefully.

"He's crazy about you, Spike." Buffy turned to Thomas who was still munching on the plastic. "Aren't you, cookie?"

"Pa." Thomas said softly, reaching up to his father to be held.

Spike picked Thomas up and cuddled him. "You okay now, Ted?"

Thomas gurgled happily, resting his head on Spike's shoulder.

"Maybe he'll sleep now." Buffy suggested. Spike placed Thomas back in his crib.

The baby stared up at them with wide eyes, before screwing his face up and screaming angrily, bashing his fists on his pillow. Spike tried to offer him the pretzel again, but Thomas's wails only became louder.

"I think we're in for a really long night." Buffy looked up at Spike helplessly. "What do we do?"

Spike forced a smile and collected Thomas into his arms. "If we're gonna be up all night, we may as well make it interesting. I'm thinking we go to the video store."

*

"I don't know what the point of videos was if we can't even watch them!" Buffy yelled over Thomas's wailing.

Spike clutched his head in his hands and stared up at her with bloodshot eyes. "It's 2 in the morning.. can't we just give him a sleeping pill or something?"

"Ha, ha." Buffy sat down and handed Thomas to Spike. "You try and calm him down."

"Why don't we take shifts?" Spike suggested, staring at his screaming child in horror. "Christ, you are a little yeller, aren't you?"

"What do you mean?" Buffy asked with a yawn.

"You go and sleep until 3:30, then you get up and I sleep til 5. By then he'll have probably screamed himself out."

"Okay." Buffy smiled at him gratefully. "Thankyou."

"S'okay, kitten. Go and enjoy your hour and a half." Spike replied, still desperately trying to soothe Thomas, but it seemed the baby only got louder with any attempt made to calm him.

Buffy practically raced upstairs and buried her head in the pillow, almost instantly falling asleep.

*

"Get up. It's your turn to take him." Spike said, shaking her with his free hand. "C'mon, Buffy."

"Go away. Baby bad. Sleeping good." Buffy snuggled under the blanket, blocking out Thomas's cries as she started to doze off.

Spike placed Thomas down on the armchair, wincing as the child screeched furiously. He tried to ignore it as he tried to yank Buffy out of bed. "Get the bloody hell up, woman."

"No!" Buffy snapped, curling into a ball.

Spike grabbed her by the underarms and hauled her out of bed. Buffy moaned in protest as he placed her on her feet and smirked at her triumphantly. "You have until 5."

He handed her Thomas and ordered them downstairs. Buffy watched as he danced into his room and slammed the door shut. "Lucky bastard."

She brought Thomas downstairs and laid the screaming baby down. "Please be quiet, honey."

"PA!" Thomas demanded loudly, his face scrunched up and red from the effort of crying.

"Why didn't you want your pa ten minutes ago?" Buffy exclaimed, running her hands through Thomas's silky hair. She was suprised when Thomas paused, shutting his eyes for a brief moment. Buffy continued caressing the baby's head of hair, and watched in glee as he lulled off to sleep.

She knew taking him upstairs might disturb the child again, so Buffy curled up next to Thomas, still tousling his curls to soothe him. "I love you, Tommy."

*

Buffy woke to the sound of voices and gently lifted herself up, careful not to disturb Thomas, who was still fast asleep. Spike and another man smiled down at her. "I don't know what you did, Summers, but it's amazing."

"What's the time?" She asked, yawning loudly.

"9:30." The other guy said.

"You're up early." Buffy noted, staring at Spike.

"I went for a run. Calms my nerves." Spike looked her up and down and removed his jacket. "Here you go, kitten."

Buffy glanced down and realized in horror she was only wearing her underwear. She wrapped Spike's jacket around her, blushing bright red.

"I'm Xander." He smiled and offered her his hand. Buffy shook it reluctantly.

"Right, yeah. Xander, this is Buffy, my nanny." Spike explained, waving his hand vaguely in Buffy's direction.

"And how's my favourite little guy?" Xander exclaimed and swept Thomas up into the air before Buffy or Spike could stop him.

They watched fearfully as Thomas woke, blinking down at Xander in confusion. Thomas was clearly upset by being disturbed and scrunched his tiny face up and screamed.

"Whoa, I didn't mean to upset him!" Xander said, shoving the baby at Spike.

"You stupid bloody whelp." Spike looked helplessly at Buffy. "How'd you get him down last time? Sleeping pill, by any chance?"

Buffy collected Thomas into her arms and cuddled him to her. "Don't worry, I learnt a new trick."

They watched as Buffy ran her hands through Thomas's hair. The baby fell quiet, almost purring as Buffy soothed him with this simple action. "Luv, you're a miracle worker. I could kiss you."

Buffy went bright red and focused on Thomas. Please, please do.

"Want a drink, mate?" Spike led Xander into the kitchen.

"Since when did you get a hot nanny?" Xander exclaimed, accepting the beer Spike offered him.

Spike shrugged. "Willow got her. I guess she's alright looking."

"How can you be like this? Are you blind? She's gorgeous!"

"Spose so." Spike replied. He had noticed that Buffy was pretty, but he'd also assumed she was dating someone.

"You have to get over Cecily." Xander said quietly.

"And what, get under Buffy?" Spike glared at him. "She wouldn't like a guy like me."

"Did you see the way she looked at you?" Xander raised his eyebrows. "Look, I gotta go. But just.. won't you even consider something with her?"

Spike shrugged.

"Well, have a fun night."

"Yeah, up all night with Ted, that'll be fun." Spike rolled his eyes. "Noisy little bugger."

"If Buffy were my nanny, I'd be up all night with priorities other than a baby." Xander shrugged. "Your decision, man."

*
 

Chapter 5:

"I'm going out." Spike said abruptly and snatched Thomas away from Buffy.

"Where are you going?"

Spike shrugged. "Doesn't matter."

"Can I come?" She asked, studying him carefully. Concern knotted in the pit of her stomach - Spike looked pale and he couldn't hide the fact he was trembling slightly.

"I'd rather you didn't." He placed Thomas in his stroller and left without another word.

Buffy sat there for a moment silently. It seemed as though she and Spike took one step forward, and two steps back with their friendship - some days he was wonderful to her, but others he turned into a rude, snarling person who she didn't like at all.


Wondering what the old Spike had been like, Buffy got up and went to the bookshelves, pulling out several photo albums. She flipped through the pages and smiled - every single photo of Spike had him wearing a huge grin. In one he was cuddling Thomas to him, kissing the crown of the baby's head, and smiling all the while. Buffy slid the photo out of it's pocket and went upstairs. She found a spare photo frame in one of her suitcases and put the photo inside, admiring it as she placed it on her nightstand - beside all the others of Spike and Thomas.

She hoped Spike wouldn't come into her room and see her little shrine dedicated to him and his baby - he'd probably be creeped out and fire her on the spot. But just looking at the photos of them made Buffy melt - she sighed and collapsed against her pillows, humming happily to herself.

As much as she wanted to deny it, she was in love - with Thomas and his father.

*

Spike slammed the doorshut, clutching Thomas to him, and started upstairs.

"Hey." Buffy emerged from the kitchen.

"Hi." Spike said softly, reluctantly turning around. His face was blotchy and red from crying. Spike swallowed hard but it wouldn't make the lump swelling in his throat disappear.

"Are you okay?" Buffy asked, alarmed by his dishevelled appearance. "Come here."

She sat him down on the couch and ran her hands through his hair. "Did you go see Cecily?"

Spike glared at her. "What does it matter?"

"It matters plenty." Buffy said softly. "You look like you've been crying."

Spike looked away, afraid to let her see more tears were falling down his face. "I'm fine."

Buffy hugged him to her. "Talk to me."

"It's not meant to be like this." Spike whimpered, resting his head on her shoulder. "Cec always said that no matter how bad things got, you could always come back from them. What didn't kill you made you stronger, or whatever. But I feel like I can't come back from it. I feel like I am dead.. there's nothing left inside me."

"What about Thomas?" Buffy asked softly, placing the whimpering baby in Spike's arms.

"I love him.. I do." Spike forced a smile down at his confused son. "But I don't know how I'll raise him, or anything. Me and Cec had it all mapped out.. but she's gone now, and I haven't any fucking idea."

"I'm here to help you." Buffy reminded him. "And you'll pick it all up. All parents feel like this."

"You promise you'll be here?" Spike asked in a demanding tone. "I just.. I don't want Teddy to lose someone he loves again. He does love you, you know."

Buffy felt a smile grow on her face. "I love him too."

*

"All ready, kitten?" Spike called, waiting for Thomas and Buffy to come downstairs. "Don't forget sunscreen!"

Buffy finally hurried downstairs with Thomas on her hip in his bathing suit and a cap. Spike swept the baby up into the air and smiled. "Doesn't my boy look handsome?"


"You're wearing Speedos?" Buffy asked incredulously.

"You've seen what's under here, kitten. I've got nothing to hide." Spike shrugged and grabbed his car keys.

"I meant.. well, you're practically naked around an innocent child." Buffy could feel her cheeks burning and was barely able to look at him. "And seeing you like that was an accident."

"Well, sorry to offend the precious, holier-than-thou Princess Buffy. But I'm sure I won't scar Thomas for life by wearing skimpy bathers." Spike said and raised his eyebrows. "Now, unless you have another problem with me, can we go?"

"Okay." Buffy said breathlessly and followed him out the door, training her eyes on some invisible object that was nowhere near the uncensored spectacle of Spike's body.

*

Buffy removed her t-shirt and gave Thomas a kiss. "You ready to go in the water, honey? We'll just wait for your daddy."

Spike hurried towards them with the rest of Thomas's toys. His eyes widened slightly when he saw Buffy and he smiled. "Speaking of skimpy bathers."

"Shut up." Buffy blushed bright red and slapped him on the chest.

"You going in the water, kitten?" Spike asked, his eyes wandering over her body in what he hoped was a subtle manner.

Buffy felt his eyes on her and smiled. "Um, I don't really like swimming. But I'll watch from here and take photos."

"Alright." Spike slung Thomas over his hip. "You ready to swim, mate?"

Thomas gurgled happily as Spike ran them down to the water. Buffy watched with a smile as he splashed around with the baby. Thomas was shrieking as his father dunked him into the water, and pointed to Buffy.

Spike frowned at her, beckoning for her to join them. Buffy shook her head and looked away, pretending she hadn't seen him. The next thing she heard was Thomas wailing unhappily, and Buffy turned to see Spike storming up the beach with Thomas a bucket in his hand.

"Thomas wants you to come play." He said in a threatening tone as the baby screamed.

"I don't like the water!" Buffy replied, poking her tongue out at him.

"Very well." A smile crossed Spike's face and he looked at Thomas. "Oi. Stop that racket."

The baby stared up at him, tears still sliding down his tiny face. "Pa? Ba! Ba!"

"I know. She's right annoying isn't she?" Spike looked back down at Buffy. "Are you sure you won't come in the water, kitten?"

"Kittens don't like water." Buffy said in a childish tone and smirked up at him.

"Alright then." Spike smiled at Thomas. "Watch this, mate."

Before Buffy could stop him Spike tipped the bucket of water all over her. Thomas screeched with laughter as Buffy lay there in shock, soaked from head to toe. When she finally registered thought, she got to her feet and chased Spike down the beach back into the water.

"You jerk!" She yelled, kicking water at him.

"I'm sorry." Spike said, not meaning it at all.

Buffy grabbed Thomas from him. "We're not talking to your daddy anymore, are we?"

"Pa!" Thomas yelled in a panic as Buffy tried to walk away from Spike.

"Traitor." She muttered and hurried back to Spike before Thomas started crying again.

Spike smiled at her. "You look cute when you're angry, pet."

Buffy scowled at him. "I'll get you back for this."

"Have a sense of humour, kitten." Spike ruffled her hair affectionately. "How bout we go get some icecreams?"

"CREAM!" Thomas hollered and clung to Buffy tighter. Spike wrapped his arm around her waist. She momentarily realised how much they must resemble a happy family, but it felt so good to be close to him, Buffy snuggled into him and forgot all her worries.

*

 

Chapter 6:

"Tell me more about Thomas."

"Well," Spike smiled at her, his arm still wrapped around her waist as they ate their icecreams, "He's a year and a bit old. His birthday was just before Cec died, and he started talking just before that. You know, little words, nothing really special. But he knows 'pa', 'cream', 'sing', and 'baf', which I think means bath. But he's always been a late bloomer - like his sister started teething at around 6 months, but he waited until he was about 11 months. I guess it's still going to take a while, huh?"

"It can take ages." Buffy said, cuddling Thomas to her. "I guess we're stuck with him screaming for now."

Thomas smiled up at her innocently.

"Have you ever wanted kids?" Spike asked, softly tousling Thomas's damp curls.

"Yeah.. but I'm short of a dad. The right guy's never come along." Until now... Buffy added mentally.

"You have me and Teddy until then." Spike said softly, looking down at his son. Thomas was half asleep, snuggled against Buffy, a look of pure happiness on his face. A strange feeling washed over him, and for a moment, Spike wanted to kiss her. He leant in closer to her, so close he could almost taste her salty skin. Realizing suddenly what he was doing, Spike pulled away and stood up, trying to shake away the thought of kissing Buffy. "You ready to go?"

"Sure." Hurt that the moment had ended so soon, Buffy got to her feet and propped Thomas on her hip. "Spike.."

"Yeah?" He turned and looked at her with an angry look in his eyes, warning her not to say anything.

"..nothing."

*

"Was it like, an, 'I want you now' kind of look in his eyes, or a 'This is one of those I'll-remember-it-forever moments where people come out and start playing cheesy romantic music while we kiss'?" Anya asked, as the waitress handed them their drinks.

"Kind of both. Except it's not meant to be a moment we'll always remember, it's one I'm meant to forget." Buffy stared down at her cocktail miserably. "How would it ever work, anyway? I'm the nanny."

"Maybe he just got scared." Tara suggested. "I mean, maybe he does have feelings for you-"

"Of course he does, otherwise he wouldn't have tried to kiss her!" Anya exclaimed. "The next thing you know he'll be walking in on you while your naked 'accidently'."

"Does that work the other way round?" Buffy asked sheepishly.

"You saw him naked?" Anya cried. "What was it like?"

"Oh my god.." Buffy sighed and grinned. "It's barely imaginable."

"Anyway, as I was saying.." Tara said loudly to get their attention, "Maybe he does have feelings for you, but he's just afraid to open up to you in case he loses you like he did Cecily."

Anya nodded. "You are looking after his child, though. Of course he's going to have feelings for you in some way."

"I guess." Buffy said dismally.

"Buffy.. there's a guy waving at you over there." Tara said, pointing in the direction of the bar.

Buffy turned and waved back at Xander. She turned back to Anya and Tara. "That's Xander, one of Spike's friends."

"He's gorgeous!" Anya exclaimed.

"You think?" Buffy wrinkled her nose.

"Well, he's no Spike, but he has his own boyish charm!" Anya motioned for Xander to join them.

"Hey Buffy." He smiled at her. "Having a night off?"

"Yeah." She said, staring at the man beside Xader.

"Oh, right. This is Riley, one of the guys who works with me at the construction site. Riley, this is Spike's nanny, Buffy."

"Hi." Riley grinned at her.

Barely able to concentrate for all the thoughts of Spike whirling around in her head, Buffy checked her watch and stood up. "I'd better go, I promised Spike I'd be back ages ago."

"I'll walk you out." Riley offered and helped Buffy with her coat.

She bid short goodbyes to Tara, Anya and Xander and followed Riley out of the club.

"So.. can I maybe have your number?"

"I live with Spike." Buffy said, starting to walk away from him.

"So I'll call you there then?" Riley yelled after her.

"Whatever." Buffy said, rolling her eyes, keen to go home and be with the only two boys she was interested in.

*

Spike stared at the clock, wondering why Buffy wasn't home yet. He heard Thomas whimpering in his crib and went to tend to his son.

"What's up, Ted?"

Thomas started screaming instantly, keen for attention.

"You just don't want to sleep, do you?" Spike said, picking the baby up. "Why don't we watch the rest of mommy's favourite movie?"

Thomas continued to squawl as Spike carried him downstairs. He pressed play on the DVD player and clicked the TV onto the right channel.

"The moment I wake up.. Rupert Everett began, and Thomas squealed happily. Spike chuckled, remembering days when he and Cecily used to dance around to the song.

"Want to dance with me, Ted?" Spike pulled the baby into his arms, cuddling him close as he danced around the room.

...The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you..
While combing my hair now
And wondering what dress to wear now
I say a little prayer for you...

Spike barely noticed Buffy in the doorway, watching him and Thomas with a huge smile on her face. It was the most adorable thing she'd ever seen.

...Forever, and ever, you'll stay in my heart, and I will love you
Forever, and ever, we never will part, oh I love you
Together, forever, that's how it should be
Living without you
Would only mean heartbreak for me...

Spike lifted Thomas up in the air and smiled. "That was your mom's favourite part in the whole movie."


"You're so cute." Buffy said softly, drawing Spike's attention.

He jumped, startled and embarrassed. "Do you mind not creeping up on people like that?"

"Sorry." Buffy smiled, approaching him. She kissed Thomas softly. "Mind if I go to bed?"

"Tired?"

"Yeah." Buffy took her coat off. "Is Thomas being okay?"

"He should go down in a minute." Spike frowned at her. "You tell anyone about this and I'll fire you. No, I'll probably kill you."

"I won't." Buffy kissed him softly on the cheek. "Goodnight, Spike."

"You too." He said quietly, gingerly touching the spot where she'd kissed him only seconds ago.

*

 

Chapter 7:

Buffy woke to Spike shaking her gently, a strange look on his face. "What?"

"Riley called." Spike said, frowning down at her. "He asked for you."

"What did you say?" Buffy asked, stretching sleepily. Please tell me you told him to go drop off the end of the earth.

"I said you were still asleep. Want to tell me what's going on?" Spike sat on the edge of the bed and stared at her.

"Xander introduced us at the Bronze last night, Riley seemed to like me." Buffy shrugged. "Did he want me to call him back?"

"Do you like him?"

"Did he ask for me to call?"

"Buffy, answer my question."

"I asked you first."

"Fine." Spike snapped, glaring at her. "Yes, he asked you to call. Now tell me if you actually like this wanker!"

"He's okay." Buffy lied, watching carefully for Spike's reaction. His face clouded over, his eyes flashing briefly with something Buffy couldn't define as being anger or envy - possibly both. She smiled. "What, you jealous?"

"No." Spike said and handed her a scrap of paper. "There's his number."

Spike thrust the phone at her and stormed out of the room and Buffy could hear him slamming things around in the kitchen. She glanced down at the note with Riley's number and considered her options. She could wait around for Spike to fall for her, and the chances of that happening were slim. But with Riley.. he seemed nice, and he definetly liked her.

Buffy dialled the number.

*

"You call him?" Spike asked, forcing himself to act casual.

"Yeah. We're meeting for dinner tonight." Buffy said, taking the soapy dish from him to dry it.

"I don't need your help." Spike muttered.

"I don't mind." Buffy smiled up at him. "You got plans for today?"

"Do I ever have plans?" He shot back bitterly. "No. I'm stuck with Thomas all day."

"Spike, if you don't want me to go-"

"I'm fine with it." Spike growled. "Can we just be quiet about it now?"

*

She knew she was dressing for a date with Riley - but all Buffy could think about was what Spike would think. She finally settled for a kneelength red dress, with a low-cut neckline and scooping back.

"Riley's here." Spike said, tapping on the doorframe. He stared at her for a moment, his mouth dropping open slightly. "You look amazing."

Buffy grinned from ear-to-ear. "Thanks."

"That's okay." Spike stepped inside her room and looked around. "Looks nice, what you've done with it."

Buffy realized he was looking straight at the mountains of photos of him and Thomas on her nightstand. He glanced back up at her and grinned. "What's all this?"

"Just.. um.. nothing." Buffy blushed. "It's just... Thomas is so cute.. I'm not creepily obsessed with you two, I swear, it's just.. please don't fire me?"

"S'okay, kitten." Spike chuckled. "I'd be crazy to fire you."

He took her hand and kissed it. "Riley's waiting."

Buffy smiled at him. "You'll be okay with Tommy?"

"Stop calling 'im that. He sounds like a soddin' rugrat." Spike led her downstairs to an impatient Riley.

"It's been half an hour." He said tersely.

"But Spike only just.." Buffy turned to look at Spike suspiciously.

He smiled innocently. "Have fun, luv. Can you be back by 11?"

"What are you, her keeper?" Riley snapped, glaring at Spike. "She can stay out late, she's not 16."

Buffy felt the tension between the men growing and shifted her weight uncomfortably.

"Say hi to Tim for me." Riley said.

Buffy cut Spike off before he could correct Riley, or possibly tell him where to shove it. "I'll be back by 11, Spike. Give Ti-- Thomas a kiss for me."

"Fine. Bye." Spike clenched his fists as he caught Riley smirking at him, and turned to go upstairs. He felt Buffy's hand on his arm and turned back to face her.

"Bye." Buffy kissed Spike on the cheek and followed Riley out the door.

*


Spike went upstairs and shook Thomas awake. "Oi. Mate. We need to talk."

Thomas stared up at him sleepily. A moment of silence passed before he started wailing, furious at being woken.

"Shutup." Spike said, pulling the baby onto his knee to comfort him. "Listen.. I don't think Buffy's going to be around much longer."

"Ba?"

"No. No Ba." Spike frowned. "She's found this other guy now. Right wanker he is. Soon he'll be whisking her off to get married, and then they'll want kids of their own. We're losing her, Ted. And I know it sounds crazy, but she's mine.. no, she's ours and I won't let her go."

Thomas whimpered, still upset by being disturbed.

"For god sakes, Ted, be quiet. I mean.. it's only a little while since we lost your mom, and I'm just starting to get back on my feet and this chit decides to abandon me. She's all we have left.. and we're not going to let her go."

*

He may have seemed incredibly dorky at first, Riley was turning out to be quite the charmer. Even though he'd treated her to a wonderful dinner, and had complimented her endlessly, Buffy still found herself glad when her cell phone rang.

"Leave it." Riley whispered, kissing her hand softly.

"I can't.. it's Spike." Buffy answered the phone, ignoring Riley's frustrated sigh. "Hello?"

"Buffy, it's me, sweetheart." Spike said over Thomas's wailing. "Can you come home?"

"It's only 9:30!" Riley hissed as Buffy went to pull her coat on.

"Sure, is Thomas acting up?"

"Luv, I need you here." Spike whimpered, turning to smile at Thomas triumphantly.

"I'll be there soon." Buffy hung up. "Okay, thanks. Bye."

She rushed towards the door.

"Buffy!" Riley raced after her. "Do you need a lift?"

"Umm.." Buffy sighed. "Yeah, that'd be good."

Riley took her arm and walked her to the car. "I really enjoyed this."

"Yeah."

"Maybe I'll pick you up tomorrow night?"

"Sure.. if you want.." Buffy turned her head and looked out the window.

Riley put his hand on her knee as he drove and smiled at her. "Your an amazing woman, Buffy."

"Mhm." Buffy mentally rejoyced as they pulled into Spike's driveway.

"You deserve better than having to look after some helpless babies." Riley said softly, kissing her neck.

"Right. I'll see you later, Riley." Buffy said abruptly, fighting the urge to slap him for speaking of Thomas and Spike like that. She got out of the car and stormed up the path.

"Spike?" She called out as she opened the door.

He rushed downstairs with Thomas in his arms. The baby smiled as he recognized Buffy and screeched, "BA!"

"Is he okay? What was wrong?" Buffy cuddled Thomas to her. "You okay, cookie?"

"He wouldn't go to sleep without his 'Ba'." Spike explained, smiling at her. "Will you help me put him down?"

"Sure." Buffy followed Spike upstairs.

"How was your date?" Spike asked as he pulled the blankets back.

"It was.. it was nice, actually. Riley's very sweet."

Spike tensed as he placed Thomas in the crib. "You going out again?"

"Tomorrow."

"Right then." Spike glanced at her, wondering what he could say that might stop her from going.

"Anyway.." Buffy leant down and kissed Thomas, breathing in his soft milky scent. She smiled down at the baby lovingly. "Night-night, Tommy."

She leant up to kiss Spike on the cheek, but Spike tilted his head and she caught his lips instead. He held her for a moment, letting the kiss linger for a moment. Then he pulled away and stared at her in shock. "I'm.. I'm sorry."

"Don't be." Buffy moved closer to him and placed her hands on his hips, lust evident in her hazel eyes.

Spike edged away from her. "I can't. I'm sorry. G'night, pet."

He turned and walked slowly out of the room. Buffy shoved past him and ran downstairs, grabbing her coat.

"Luv, what're you doing?"

"I'm going out."

"It's almost 10. Don't be stupid." Spike stormed downstairs and took her by the arm.

"Let go of me." Buffy snapped. "I'm going to see the one person who actually cares about me."

"Oh, and who's that?" Spike glared at her. "Your home is here now."

"Yeah, well then I quit. I can't work for you and love you at the same time."

"You don't love me, Buffy." Spike sighed, holding his head in his hands.

"Maybe I'll be the judge of that." Buffy snapped and wrenched the door open.

"At least tell me where you're going so I know that you're safe?" Spike called after her as she jumped into her car.

"Fuck you, Spike." Buffy yelled, starting the engine. "I'm going to be with Riley."

"Buffy, wait!" Spike grabbed the hood of the car just as she started to reverse. "Stay. I'm sorry. I'll.."

"What? You'll force yourself to love me back?" Buffy glared at him through her storms of tears. "Thomas is crying."

Spike noticed Thomas's wails and was torn, unsure whether to go to his son or stay and fight for Buffy. "Kitten, don't do this."

Buffy didn't listen, and with a screech of her tyres, she was gone into the night.

*
 

Chapter 8:

Spike's hand trembled as he spoon-fed Thomas. The baby gurgled and giggled obliviously, staring up at his father adoringly.

"What's this, Ted?" Spike asked, picking up a photo of Buffy at the beach. "Can you say back-stabbing bitch?"

Thomas furrowed his brow in confusion.

"Perhaps not." Spike pulled him into his arms. "She isn't really..."

The phone started ringing and Spike made a grab for it. "Buffy?"

"Yeah." She said softly, crying softly. "Can you come get me?"

"I've been worried sick, where the bloody hell are you?"

Buffy started whimpering, struggling to speak. "It was stupid.. the whole thing.. me yelling, me running away, me quitting... I overreacted, I'm sorry. Please just come get me."

"Yeah. Where are you?" Spike grabbed Thomas and mouthed, 'Ba' to the child. Thomas looked up at his father, puzzled.

"I'm at Riley's." Buffy whispered.

Spike froze, numb with shock. Envy and rage swept over him in a sickening wave, and he slammed the phone down hard. Thomas was shocked by the noise and started wailing.

"Oh, shutup!" Spike barked and ran for the car.

*


Buffy was waiting at the door for him, looking completely destroyed. Her face was streaked with mascara that had run, her hair was mussed and frizzy, and tiny hiccups of sobs were escaping her every few seconds.

Spike stormed towards her, and Buffy was sure he was about to hit her. But instead he threw his arms around her and hugged her as she cried.

"I'm sorry." Buffy whispered as she clung to him. "I feel terrible."

"S'okay, kitten. Let's get you home, you can have a nice warm bath and a day off." Spike wrapped his arm snugly around her waist and led her towards the elevator. "Thomas missed you. Didn't you, Ted?"

Thomas smiled at Buffy, babbling senselessly to himself, throwing in a few cries of 'Ba' and 'Pa' here and there. Once they were in the elevator, Buffy pulled the baby into her arms and covered him with kisses. "I'm sorry, Tommy."

"You okay, sweetheart?" Spike planted a kiss on her temple as she cuddled Thomas.

"No. It was horrible." Buffy frowned, staring into space with tears in her eyes.

"Why's that?" Spike asked softly.

"It was messy, and he was rough with me," Buffy felt Spike tense and his grip on her grew tighter and more protective, "And.. it wasn't how it was meant to be. I didn't wait this long to be with a jerk like him."

"You didn't what?" Spike stared at her in horror. "You mean he was your.."

"He was my first!" Buffy wailed and clung to Thomas tighter, sobbing into his shoulder.

Spike wrenched away from her and went to press the emergency stop button. Buffy cried out in fear as the elevator slammed to a halt, watching as Spike pressed the button for Riley's floor.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm going to teach him a lesson." Spike growled. Handing her the keys, he said, "You go to the car."

"Spike, this isn't a good id-"

"Go to the goddamn car, Buffy!" He yelled and Buffy obeyed, pressing the ground floor button.

"Pa?" Thomas said in a panic as the elevator descended.

"No.. pa's going to go do something stupid." Buffy murmered, her stomach twisting with concern as they headed out to the street where Spike had parked.

She sat in the car with Thomas on her lap, completely rigid with fear for Spike's wellbeing. Buffy concluded that Spike was either going to get arrested for murdering Riley, or return to the car black and blue. Thomas was growing bored, wiggling around and whimpering mournfully to himself. Buffy pulled his shirt up and started blowing rasberries on Thomas's chubby stomach, making the baby screech with laughter.

"Alright. That'll sort him." Spike muttered as he climbed back into the car.

"What happened?" Buffy asked in a panic.

Spike held up his hand, showing her the blood staining his knuckles. "Punched him a couple o' times and told him he couldn't treat a lady like that."

"My hero." Buffy kissed him on the cheek, smiling as she did so. "Thankyou."

"S'okay, kitten." Spike smiled at her. "Just glad you're okay. You are, aren't you?"

"I will be." Buffy replied softly. "Just let me put Thomas in his seat and we can go."

*

Buffy let the hot water fall on her skin and wash all her troubles away. She knew that it shouldn't be as big a deal as she was making it, but after her night with Riley she felt dirty and revolting. Sinking against the tile wall, Buffy wondered why Spike hadn't mentioned their arguement the night before.


Spike didn't even know where to begin with talking to Buffy. It was all too confusing.. She loves me? How can she love me? I'm a hopeless case.. I'm a slob, I'm rude, I'm pigheaded and.. good God, I actually sound like my own mother. This isn't good. Besides, Buffy's much too good for me. She deserves a good boyfriend, one who can really love her and give her everything she's ever dreamt of - a home, a marriage, a family.. I've been there and done that with Ceccy, and now all I can give Buffy is just hand-me-downs from my old life.

He stared down at Thomas and smiled. The baby was lying there, babbling to himself and having a great time. I can't get into things with Buffy. Thomas would grow up thinking she was his mother.. that wouldn't be good. Buffy wouldn't want that, and it's not fair on the kid. He deserves to know Cecily.. it'd be so much easier if she was here.

Tears sprung into Spike's eyes and he tried in vain to blink them away. If I love Cecily so much, why do I wish Buffy was the one holding me right now?

"Hey." Buffy grinned at him as she swanned downstairs in her bathrobe. "What's up?"

"Nothing." Spike smiled at her. "Want to watch a movie?"

"Why do I envisage a future of TV dinners?" Buffy went to the bookshelves and looked at the DVDs. "Ooh, this one!"

"The Lion King?" Spike raised his eyebrows at her. "Are you 26 years old, or are you 6 years old?"

Buffy slapped him on the arm. "It's a gorgeous movie."

"Fine." Spike went to put the disc in, then returned to flop down on the couch, planting both of his feet on the coffee table.

"You're such a sloth!" Buffy said, staring at him. "I don't know how you keep that body."

Spike chuckled. "You're just adorable, you know that? Anyway, this is more comfy."


Buffy copied his pose, slumping down and resting her feet on the edge of the table. "Okay, it is pretty comfy."

"You know what's more comfy?" Spike sat up and pulled her to him so she rested in between his legs, depositing Thomas in her arms. Buffy laid her head on his shoulder and sighed contentedly, staring down at Thomas with a smile on her face.

"This is nice." She whispered, snuggling into Spike.

"Mmm." Spike planted a tiny kiss on her cheek and turned to watch the movie. "Princess?"

"Yeah?"

I think we should be together, Spike blurted out mentally. The words were ready in his mouth, but somehow he wasn't. "Nothing."

*
 

Chapter 9:

"Dawn! Andrew!" Buffy threw her arms around her sister and her cousin. "What are you doing here?"

"We wanted to come and see you." Dawn smiled. "And Spike.. and Thomas.

"Well, this is Thomas." Buffy dragged them inside, into the kitchen where Spike was feeding Thomas. "And that's Spike.. minus a shirt. Spike, this is my sister Dawnie, and my cousin Andrew."

Spike glanced up at them. "Hi."

Dawn and Andrew's jaws were both hitting the floor. Andrew recovered quickly and smiled at Spike. "We've heard lots about you."

"Can't say Buffy's mentioned you." Spike said as he cleaned Thomas up.

"Well, that's because she thinks I'm embarrassing." Andrew giggled. "And how is Thomas?"

"Want to hold him?" Spike offered, gently placing the baby in Andrew's arms. "Be careful, he wriggles around with strangers."

Buffy nudged Dawn, trying to snap her sister out of her trance, and whispered, "Dawnie. You're staring."

"I have damn good reason!" Dawn hissed back.

"Where are you two staying?" Buffy asked, taking Thomas from Andrew.

"They can stay here." Spike offered, edging away from Andrew slowly. "But it'll have to be on the sofa-bed or on the floor in Buffy's room."

"What about the floor in your room?" Andrew muttered to Dawn and they burst out laughing.

Buffy glared at them. "How long are you staying?"

"Just the weekend, I guess." Dawn shrugged, eyes still trained on Spike. "What are you guys doing today?"

"We were going to go to the beach. But if you guys are here, we can-"

"No, no! We'd love to go to the beach." Andrew insisted, grinning madly at the thought of Spike in bathers.

"Buffy, why don't we go get Thomas ready?" Spike said, dragging her from the room. Once they got upstairs with Thomas, he hissed, "They can't stay here."

"Why not? Don't you like them?"

"I like them fine. But that Andrew guy.." Spike frowned.

"What, he's gay? Are you a homophobe, Spikey?" Buffy giggled as she put Thomas's bathers on.

"I'm not a homophobe! My sister's gay, for crying out loud. But it's different when.. when.."

"When what? When Andrew has a crush on you?" Buffy grinned at him. "He loooovvvveeess you, Spike."

"Shutup." Spike grumbled and smeared sunblock over Thomas's face.

"Dawn seems keen on you too."

"So everyone in this house wants to shag me? That's great. Thomas is the only one who I trust from now on." Spike picked the baby up and twirled him around in the air. "Right, mate? Just you and me."

Buffy slapped him on the arm playfully. "Don't be silly."

"Okay, let's go." Spike looked at her thoughtfully for a second, then handed her Thomas and wrapped his arm around her waist. "You can be my human body guard, right, kitten?"

"Alright." Buffy said breathlessly as he kissed her on the cheek. "Just let me get changed."

*

Thomas started wailing as soon as Spike and Buffy tried to get him into the water. The day was colder than expected, and all the baby wanted to do was lie in the sun and play with his toys.

"Let's go looking for shells!" Andrew suggested, tugging Buffy's arm.

"I'll stay with Ted. He's not too fond of long walks." Spike said, lying down beside the child. "You having fun?"

Thomas swatted Spike with a sticky hand and screeched as though something was hilarious.

"I'll stay too." Dawn smiled at Spike. "Do you mind?"

"No, s'okay Nibblet."

Andrew took Buffy's hand and led her away. "So.. why aren't you two together yet?"

"It's not that simple." Buffy said quietly, resting her head on Andrew's shoulder as they strolled along the beach.

"Sure.. I mean, he's hot, you're hot, he's single, you're single, you love him, he loves you.. there's a whole lot of trouble ahead for you two." Andrew said sarcastically, leaning down to pick up a pink shell. "Come on, you two would be perfect together."

"He's having a hard time right now. He only lost his wife two months ago." Buffy shrugged. "I mean.. we are close. That's enough for me right now.. just having a friend."

"You have plenty of friends!" Andrew exclaimed. "What you need is a lover."

"I don't need a lover." Buffy frowned at him. "Besides, Spike has more than lover potential."

"Have you told him how you feel?"

"Plenty of times. I mean.. we've kissed once or twice, and I've told him that I lov-- I mean, like him." Buffy went bright red.

"You love him?" Andrew cried, staring at her. "Elizabeth Anne Summers, are you in love?"

Buffy nodded guiltily. "I feel so stupid."

Andrew grinned at her. "I never thought I'd see the day. I mean, after Angel.."

"We are not talking about Angel again." Buffy warned Andrew.

"Okay, okay." Andrew sighed. "Love. Wow. What's it like?"

"I don't know." Buffy bit her lip, a tiny smile playing on her face. "I feel like I'm floating when I'm with him.. like I'm way up high, and even if I did fall... he'd be there to catch me."

*

"So what's life with Buffy like?" Dawn asked as she fed Thomas jelly beans.

"She's alright." Spike shrugged. "She's good with Thomas."

"Do you like her?"

"Sure, she's great."

"You know what I mean." Dawn grinned at him. "Like.. in a girlfriendish way."

"Why can't you people leave me alone?" Spike groaned and rolled onto his stomach, staring at Thomas. "They're annoying, aren't they, Teddy?"

"So if you like her, and she likes you, why aren't you together?" Dawn ruffled Thomas's hair gently and he giggled, stretching his arms up into the air. "Come on. You'd be so happy."

"It's not that simple." Spike said softly. "I'm still trying to accept that Ceccy is gone."

"Buffy told us.. I'm really sorry."

Spike shrugged and stared out at the ocean silently.

"You have to move on though. Not just for yourself.." Dawn cuddled Thomas in her arms, smiling down at the sleepy baby, "But for Thomas."

"I know." Spike agreed, taking Thomas from her. "I just have no idea where to start."

"With her." Dawn suggested, pointing to Buffy as she and Andrew walked towards them, huge smiles on their faces. "I know Buffy.. she's loving, she's supportive and giving.. and she loves Thomas."

Spike smiled. "Yeah."

"I'm pretty sure she loves his dad as well." Dawn said softly, meeting Spike's gaze. "I know you feel the same. I can see it."

"Look at all the shells we got!" Buffy showed Spike the sparkling shells piled in her hands. "I'm going to make jewellry."

"Sounds good." Spike said quietly, getting to his feet. "Anyone feel like icecream?"

"I do." Andrew piped up.

"Same." Dawn took her cousin's hand and dragged him up to the kiosk, miles ahead of Buffy and Spike as they collected Thomas's things.

"I hope Dawn wasn't annoying you." Buffy said softly as she settled Thomas on her hip.

"No.. just trying to play Cupid." Spike smiled at Buffy.

"Huh?"

"Nothing, kitten." He pulled her close and they started strolling up the beach. "Buffy?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you want to come see Ceccy tomorrow with me?" Spike asked nervously, wondering how she'd react. "It's just.. I'd like you to be there."

"Sure." Buffy snuggled into him. "If you need me there, I'll be there."

Spike hadn't said anything about needing her there, but now that she mentioned it, he realised he did.

*
 

Chapter 10:

*

"I always bring her roses." Spike said softly, placing the pink flowers on Cecily's grave. "They were her favourite. We had 'em at our wedding. Yellow and white, I think they were."

"That's nice." Buffy replied awkwardly. She wished she didn't have to be here - she felt out of place, unwanted even though Spike had insisted he needed her company. She knew that Cecily wouldn't want her here for sure - the word 'homewrecker' came to mind for some reason. "Spike.. do you want some time alone?"

Spike remained silent, kneeling down with his eyes trained on the headstone.

Here lies Cecily Hartley, beloved wife and mother. Tragedy stole her and Emily away from us, but she shall live on in our hearts.

1976 - 2004

May she rest in peace

He hated reading those words. He hated having to realize every single time that his wife was gone. When he'd first found out, the first thing he'd felt was utter rage. He'd tried to hit the policeman, but somehow his arms were too heavy to lift. It was then that he'd broken down and cried, until nothing was left inside him but fear.

He usually cried. He usually let it all out in long, tortured wails that frightened both his son and other mourners. But today Spike felt there was nothing to cry about - he'd mourned for the past two months, he'd forced himself to suffer with attempts to remove the pain with alcohol or otherwise, and he was sick of it.

He got to his feet and took Thomas from Buffy. "Wave bye-bye to mommy, Ted."

Thomas stared down at the graves with wide eyes. Spike took the boy's hand and flapped it up and down as though Thomas was waving to his mother and sister.

"You ready to go?" Spike asked Buffy, avoiding looking at her. Although he couldn't actually cry, unfallen tears still stung his eyes. These tears existed for his sweet baby girl - Spike still remembered her vividly, everything from her button nose to her loud yells she made with Thomas. At the time Spike had hated the noise, but now he realized he would give anything to hear his two babies together again.

"Spike? You okay?" Buffy wrapped her arms around him and gave him a little squeeze. "I know it must be hard."

Spike forced a smile. "I'll be okay, sweetheart."

"You sure?"

"Yeah." He pressed his lips to her forehead in a tiny kiss. "Thankyou for being here."

"That's okay." Buffy replied softly and they continued walking.

*

"His milk is in the fridge, you'll need to warm it. I also left out some jelly beans and fruit for him if he's hungry.." Buffy reminded him hurriedly as Anya tried to drag her out the door. "Are you sure this is okay?"

"S'fine, kitten. You have fun." Spike held Thomas up to her. "He'll want a kiss g'night."

Buffy planted a tiny kiss on Thomas's nose. "You'll be okay, cookie?"

"Ba." Thomas giggled and reached out to swat Buffy on the nose.

"I don't think I should go." Buffy said, trying to escape Anya's grip on her arm. "Anya.. I don't feel right.."

"Buffy, just go. You have to take Dawn and Andrew to the airport afterwards anyway." Spike insisted, taking Thomas away from her, knowing the baby's company wasn't making her departure any easier.

"But I'm the nanny, I should be here.."

"Yeah, but I'm the father. We'll be fine on our own for one night."

"Bye Spike!" Andrew called from outside, a stupid smile on his face. Dawn waved at him before jumping into Anya's car.

"I'll see you later." Buffy kissed him on the cheek. "You su-"

"I'm sure!" Spike said firmly and gave her a tiny push out the door. "Go. Have fun."

"Ba?" Thomas asked in a tiny voice, staring up at his father mournfully.

"No, Ba's gone to have some fun with her friends. Just you and me tonight." Spike raised Thomas up into the air and bounced him up and down. "I think you need a bath, mate."

"Baf!" Thomas repeated in a high shriek.

Spike chuckled, ruffling the boy's hair. "Yes, baf."

*

Spike laid the baby down in his bed and turned on his music mobile.

"Pa?" Thomas stretched his arms up in search of a cuddle. Spike obliged, picking the baby up again and holding him as close as possible.

"I love you, Teddy. So much. I just wish your 'ma' was here." Spike admitted softly. "She should get to watch you grow up. But you still have me.. and Buffy. What do you think of her?"

"Ba?" Thomas said softly, slowly lulling off to sleep.

"I know. She's great, isn't she? I mean.. I know she's just the nanny technically, but lately I like her more than just a chit who looks after you. She's special. And we haven't talked about it since the whole Riley thing.. but she said she loves me. I mean, I'm clueless as to why, but it feels nice.. being loved again. I never thought I'd be loved or anything like that after your mom died... but apparently Buffy does. And she's so amazing, Ted, everything she does is just.. would it be corny to say magic?" Spike chuckled to himself. "Well, she is magic. With you, especially. I know you love 'er... and maybe I do too. I don't know. I reckon I want her as a bigger part of my life.. what would you think of that?"

Spike looked down at his baby and saw that Thomas was fast asleep.

"Well.. you know I'd never do something unless I knew it would be the very best thing for you, Teddy. I'll think about it, eh? You do the same." Replacing the baby in the crib, Spike tucked Thomas in and kissed him on the forehead. "Sleep tight, buddy."

The phone started ringing, startling Spike. He rushed to get it before it woke Thomas.

"Hello?"

"Hey honey, it's me."

"Hey Red." Spike smiled at the sound of his sister's voice. "How are you?"

"I just rang to check up... and I also have some news.. kind of."

"We're all wonderful. Buffy's out at the moment, but Thomas is asleep. Well, what's your kind-of news, sweetheart?"

"I met someone." Willow said in a small voice. "You kind of know her. But before you judge, I really like her. She's sweet and lovely.. she's not at all what you think, Spike."

"Well, who is this girl and what do I think of her?"

"It's someone from high-school... Faith."

Spike was frozen with shock for a moment. He put his head in his hands and said quietly, "Faith?"

"Mhm."

"Faith?"

"Spike, it's not that big a deal. I want you to get to know her and love her like I do."

"Willow, she's a tart!" Spike cried, not noticing Buffy in the doorway. "She's a little slut! What the hell.. I mean.. why should.. how could.. Jesus Christ! I'm not having anything to do with her!"

Buffy was stung and blinked back tears. Before she had to hear anything more she raced upstairs.

"Willow, you can't honestly think that Faith is right for you. You deserve so much better, sweetheart."

"Thanks, Spike. Really. You know, I never liked Cecily, but I supported you! You're such a jerk!" She slammed the phone down so hard Spike's head spun.

Upstairs, Buffy locked the door and burst into tears. He thinks I'm a tart? What am I doing here? How could I actually believe he'd ever love me?

*

 

Chapter 11:
"What are you doing today, kitten?"

"Nothing." Buffy replied icily, avoiding his gaze. "I might go to the gym."

"Well... okay." Spike said quietly, sensing something was wrong. "You alright?"

"Fine." Buffy said and disappeared into the kitchen.

"Kitten, can you feed Thomas? I'm going to take a shower." Spike followed her into the kitchen and dumped Thomas in her arms. Buffy still refused to make eye contact with him, let alone show any emotion on her face. "You sure everything's okay?"

"I'm just peachy." Buffy snapped and wrenched the refridgerator door open. "Go have your shower."

Spike hesitated for a moment, but eventually hurried upstairs, deciding it was best to let her blow off whatever steam she needed to.

*

"You want to take Thomas to the park?" Spike asked, smiling at her. "He's a bit bored around here."

"You can go." Buffy glared at him. "You probably don't want to be seen with me."

"What?" Spike placed his hand on her arm but she wrenched away.

"Don't touch me."

"Buffy-"

"I'm here to work for you Spike, that's all! I'm not a whore!" Buffy pushed past him and stormed upstairs.

"Ba?" Thomas looked up at his father and started wailing.

"I'm just as confused as you, mate." Spike sighed and took Thomas upstairs. "Princess? Can I come in?"

"Fuck off." Buffy hissed from inside her room, her voice wobbly as though she was ready to cry.

Spike opened the door and stared at her angrily. "Don't talk like that. Especially around my son."

"Sorr-ee." Buffy trained her eyes on her teddy bear, too angry to look at Spike, and too afraid to look at Thomas. She knew just one tiny peek at Tommy would make her melt.


"What the hell's the matter with you?" Spike sat beside her on the bed, bewildered by her behaviour. "Have I upset you somehow?"

"No, I'm fine." Buffy insisted, taking Thomas from him and softening slightly. After all, it was Spike who called me a slut, not Tommy..

"Buffy.. if something's wrong, talk to me." Spike snaked his arm around her waist and kissed the nape of her neck, hoping to make peace, but was stung when Buffy pulled away.

"Get away from me." She hissed.

"Fine." Spike snatched Thomas away and stormed out of the room, slamming the door hard behind him. Buffy heard a loud cry of fright from Thomas and wished she could go and cuddle him, but the last thing she wanted was to ever see Spike again.

"If you think I'm such a slut, you could've at least have said it to my face!" Buffy yelled after him, before bursting into tears.

*

"Hello?" Buffy answered the phone with fake cheer, though she was still miserable after her fight with Spike. She'd scoffed down a whole box of chocolate biscuits to try and feel better, but nothing seemed to work.

"It's Willow. Is Spike there?"

"Not right now." Buffy said, fresh tears springing into her eyes. "He went out."

"Oh."

"Can I take a message?" Buffy asked softly, struggling to hold back more tears.

In the background Buffy heard somebody shout, "Hey, Red! Come back to bed!"

"Just tell Spike that.." Willow sighed sadly. "I love him. And even though I'm mad for what he said last night, you know, wish him a Happy Birthday for tomorrow."

"It's his birthday?"

"Yeah, he's gonna be 30. I wanted to visit," Willow lowered her voice, "But I'd want to bring Faith and Spike hates her apparently. Shame on me for having a tarty slut of a girlfriend.. who I just happen to love."

"Huh?" Buffy bolted upright.

"Oh, that's what we had a fight about. He reckons Faith is a slut."

"And you had this fight last night?" Buffy felt tears sliding down her face and wiped them away quickly.

"Yeah. Look, I gotta go. Give my boys a kiss for me."

The dial tone sounded and Buffy jumped to her feet. She pulled her coat on and glanced at the clock - Spike had been gone twenty minutes now. She grabbed the house keys and raced out the door.

*

"Do you understand women?" Spike asked Thomas as they swung together. "No, scrap that. Do you understand Buffy?"

"Ba." Thomas repeated with a chuckle.

"Clever boy." Spike brought the swing to a halt and ruffled Thomas's blonde curls. "I wish you were clever enough to explain to me what I did wrong with that chit."

Spike watched as a father helped his two daughters, one a baby and one already around six, build a sandcastle in the sandpit. The mother ran forward to dish sand out of the baby's mouth, before leaning over to hiss her husband.

"That could've been me." Spike muttered and cuddled Thomas close. "Could've been us. You, me, Em and Mommy. Well, I guess that's buggered now."

Thomas babbled senselessly, wriggling around and sucking on his father's hand.

"Even Buffy's a lost cause.. she hates me for some reason." Spike buried his face in Thomas's hair and struggled to hold back tears.

"Spike?" The sound of Buffy's voice startled him, and for a momen Spike thought he was hallucinating.

Spike looked up and wiped away the tears that had fallen. "Hi."

"I'm sorry. I didn't know you were talking about Faith. Willow just called.. and I kind of got everything. I'm so sorry I was such a bitch..." Buffy sat beside him on the other swing and smiled at him. "Forgive me?"

"S'okay, luv." Spike took her hand in his and kissed it. "So you heard me on the phone, then?"

"Mhm. Oh... Willow says that she still loves you and to have a Happy Birthday."

"Oh bloody hell." Spike groaned, "Do we have to make a big deal of it?"

"Yes." Buffy stated firmly. "It's your 30th-"

"Shutup!"

Buffy grinned at him mischieviously. "It's your 30th birthday. Thirty long years... which we have to celebrate."

Spike smiled at her hopefully. "Can't we pretend I'm still 29? Thomas won't know the difference."

"No, but you look too old to be 29!" Buffy said and burst into a fit of giggles. Spike placed Thomas on the grass and dove at her.

"You little brat!" Spike yelled and started tickling her. Buffy squealed with laughter, helpless against him as Spike tortured her with his wriggling fingers.

"Stop! Please." Buffy said, giggling madly as Spike lifted her up and placed her in his lap.

"Take it back, then." Spike replied, holding her firmly in place. "I could sit here all night until you take it back."

"Fine. You don't look 30." Buffy said softly. "You look great for whatever age you are.. you're fit, you're handsome.. any girl would be crazy not to notice how gorgeous you are-"

Buffy fell silent as Spike pressed his lips to hers and kissed her passionately.

*
 

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