Chapter 1:

How can you see into my eyes like open doors..

Leading you down into my core..

Where I’ve become so numb without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold..



She was angry. She was burning white hot with rage. The earth beneath her feet as they stomped wasn't enough to contain the soaring levels of fury within the Slayer. There's one thing she needs to do right now. She needs to kill something, anything..



Even him.



On any other night it would be sparring, a little harmless fun, but this is tonight. And if he should choose to get in her way tonight, he'll die. That's for sure.



..Wake me up, wake me up inside

..I can’t wake up..

Wake me up inside, save me..



And there he is. He hasn't noticed her yet but the mere sight of him sends her already blinding anger into spiralling rage. She flies at him and knocks him to the floor, her fist smashing against his face. He cries out. She ignores it. His head strikes stone as she throws him against a grave and another moan of agony escapes him. She doesn't stop.



Some nights, even when it's harmless sparring, guilt floods her whenever she hurts him. Tonight she knows no such feeling. All she feels is pain. All she wants is vengeance.



She doesn't want to be here anymore. She wants to be cold in the grave, for she was at peace. She felt love, joy, compassion. She felt heaven. And now, amidst the cold air of the night and the pain of the world she lives in, she's in hell. She feels nothing except for pain and anger. And rather than deal with it in any normal way, she fucks that demon and then goes after him in search of a kill.



Even if he might love her.



That really just angers her all the more.



Wake me up, bid my blood to run

I can’t wake up..

Before I come undone, save me..

Save me from the nothing I’ve become..



She hurls him against the brick wall and suddenly realizes their fight has wound up downtown in the seedier of the districts. She is soaked in water, he is too. To get here from the cemetary.. she must have thrown him through the river. She spits the murky water from her mouth and hurls herself at him, tearing at him, ripping him to shreds.



Blood stains her hands but nothing stops her.



Her knuckles are raw from the punches she's thrown.



Her knees are weak and her feet ache from the endless fight she wages against him.



It's now she realizes he won't fight back.



It's now she realizes he still looks at her with love.



Nothing can stop him from loving her.



Fury bursts up inside of her and with an animalistic roar she's upon him again.



Bring me to life..

I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside..

Bring me to life..



Wake me up, bid my blood to run

I can’t wake up..

Before I come undone, save me..

Save me from the nothing I’ve become..



As his body slumps against yet another wall they turn down another alley that stretches down to a building that's burning, blazing red, bright against the night sky. She wishes she could burn like that. She wishes there were still fire inside her.



There isn't.



In a fit of insanity she hurls him towards the burning building and he crashes through the brick wall into the flames. She chases after him and tackles him as he tries to stand, knocking him flat on the floor. They're surrounded by fire as she knocks and beats him to and fro. He screams but she doesn't care. He cries but she doesn't hear. All that matters is what she's feeling.



This flame, rising within her.



She's on fire.



She blazes along with the building as her anger turns to passion, and this isn't a battle anymore, it's a dance. He's brought her to life.



Frozen inside without your touch..

Without your love.. darling only you are the life among the dead..



All this time I can't believe I couldn't see..

Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me..

I’ve been sleeping a thousand years it seems..

Got to open my eyes to everything..

Without a thought without a voice without a soul..

Don't let me die here..

There must be something more..

Bring me to life..



And it's then she realizes.. he isn't dancing. He's buried beneath a pile of burning rubble, soft moans coming from him. She races forward and tears it all away frantically, crying his name in a panic.



"Spike? Spike?" She stares down at him. He's bruised, battered, bloodied. Tears and blood and sweat run down his face in floods of pain and he lifts one hand weakly, reaching out to her in desperation.



"Buffy.." He croaks in agony, his body sagging with the weight of the pain she’s caused him. “God, Buffy..”



"Yeah." She suddenly notices his legs. They're crushed, burnt, and deformed. They're barely even legs. She stares at them in horror and feels absolutely ill.



And then he says something that will change everything.



"I can't feel them.. I can't feel my legs.." He sobs, glaring at her loathingly, wailing, "You've crippled me. You've fucking crippled me."



The dance has ended. There is no more to say. There is no more to do. She wants to scream for his words fly around in her mind in currents of pain. And all she can think is.. oh god, oh god, oh god..



..Save me from the nothing I’ve become..


 

Chapter 2:

Spike had fallen unconcious long ago, and was now a heavy weight in her arms as Buffy lugged him home. Tears streamed down her face as she saw the trail of blood left by them, oozing from his injured legs.

"We're home, baby." She cooed gently, even though he couldn't hear her. She kicked the front door open and they fell inside, Spike slipping from her exhausted arms to land on the floor.

The noise brought a curious call of, "Buffy? That you?", from the kitchen. Willow came bustling out, smiling at her brightly. Then she saw Buffy's tears, and of course, Spike, lying on the floor. Her face went pale instantly.

"Oh my god." Willow murmered, staring down at Spike in horror. "What the hell happened?"

"I.. I attacked him." Buffy whimpered, collecting the vampire up off the floor.

"You did this to him?" Willow mumbled through her hand as she tried to stop herself from being sick at the sight of Spike, horrificly injured in every way and place possible. He was burnt, scarred, bruised, bloodied from head to toe. He was unconcious but had he been awake his eyes wouldn't be able to open - they were almost completely swollen shut and caked with dried blood.

"I got angry. I was just so upset.. I took it out on him. I didn't know how to stop!" Buffy sobbed, tears flooding down her face. "He stayed awake long enough to tell me.. that.. that.."

"To tell you what?" Willow placed a hand on Buffy's arm and tried to coax the words out of the grief-stricken Slayer.

"He told me he couldn't feel his legs. That they were numb. That I'd crippled him." She let out a soft wail and hugged Spike fiercely, wishing her embrace could soothe away all the pain she'd caused. She wished holding him could enduce some sort of relief upon her but nothing happened. It only made her hurt more.

"Oh god." Willow raked her fingers through her red hair and mumbled, "I'll call Tara. She can fix him up. Get him onto the couch, Buffy."

Buffy complied and took Spike over to the sofa, placing him down gently. She ran a hand damp with sweat through his hair gently, watching as her tears dripped down onto his shoulder. Again, she knew he couldn't hear her, but Buffy whispered shakily, tears still pouring from her, "I'm sorry, baby. I'm so, so sorry."

*

"Well," Tara started, her voice heavy with sadness as she stared down at Spike, "I don't know. He has a better chance of healing than most do.. he's a demon, after all.. but it could take a while."

"How long?" Willow inquired, eyes now fixed on Tara rather than Spike. "Are we talking weeks.. months..?"

"Maybe a year.. or more?" Tara guessed, tears welling in her green eyes. "I think amputation is the best-"

"No." Buffy glared at her and insisted again, "No."

Tara took a deep breath and admitted gently, "I know it's not the nicest situation imaginable-"

"Then we're not doing it." Buffy stated firmly. "He'll heal. I know he will. I don't care how long it takes, he can stay here and we'll look after him. You are not going to cut his legs off."

"Cut whose legs o--"

Buffy, Tara and Willow spun around to face Dawn, quickly assembling themselves in front of Spike to hide him from the girl. But Dawn has already seen him - her eyes were wide and filled with tears as she rushed towards Spike, knocking Buffy out of the way to get to him.

"What happened to him?" She asked, desperation ringing loudly in her voice.

"He.. he got in a fight." Willow answered gently, decidedly cutting out the worst of the details. But it seemed Dawn had already picked up on those herself - she turned away from Spike for a moment to glare at Buffy.

"You did this, didn't you?"

"No." Buffy denied immediately, reaching out to take Dawn's hand and pull her away. "Honey, leave him, he needs to rest."

"Get away from me." Dawn buried her face in Spike's shoulder and started to cry.

"Nibblet?" He croaked, startling everyone in the room. They flew to his side and stared intently at Spike as he woke, propping himself up on his elbows and collapsing again for the sheer pain it caused.

Dawn reached out and wiped a trace of blood from his cheek, whispering, "Yeah?"

"Where am I?" He wondered, frowning.

Everyone froze as Spike looked down at his legs. The air was completely thick with remorse. Their eyes fell to the floor and nobody could look at him, except for Buffy. She stared at him, tears dripping from her, as Spike gazed in horror at his deformed legs. He met her eye finally and stared at her completely loathingly. She trembled under the angry stare but didn't look away. She couldn't. All she could say was, "I'm so sorry."

And then he looked away, shamed, hurt.

Crippled.

The door burst open and Xander's call broke the silence, "Dawn, time for school! The Xander-mobile is here!"

Dawn took her eyes away from Spike and glared at Xander. He looked from Dawn, to Buffy, and then to Spike, his eyes bulging out of his head. "Whoa. What happened? That is one crippled vampire."

The pain his words caused hung heavily in the air for a moment and then Spike started to cry, sobbing angrily, "Shut up. Shut the fuck up, Xander."

Dawn started crying too and ran from the room, unable to cope anymore. More tears spilled down Buffy's face as she watched Spike weep, misery surrounding him as Tara offered him a hug. He shook her off and cried harder, the word ringing in his mind. Cripple. Cripple.

Cripple.

Cripple.

"Spike.. I'm sorry, man. That was really mean of me." Xander said, placing a comforting hand on the vampire's foot.

"We should get his legs in casts." Tara suggested, gently ruffling Spike's hair. "Okay?"

"There's an old wheelchair down in the basement." Willow murmered, leaving the room quickly, mumbling to herself, "Wheelchair. He'll need a wheelchair."

Buffy stepped away from Spike and turned to Xander. "He's gonna stay with us for a while."

"Sure." Xander nodded thoughtfully. "We should go get his stuff."

"Yeah." Buffy went and kissed Spike on the forehead gently, whispering a short, "I'm sorry."

He glowered up at her and she left before any more tears had time to escape.

*

"So.. you wanna tell me why you attacked him like that?" Xander asked uneasily as he disassembled Spike's bed. "And another question: how do we get this outta here?"

"Tunnels." She answered quickly, stuffing Spike's shirts into the backpack she'd found in his chest of drawers. "They come out near my house, we can lug it the rest of the way."

"Back to the more important question?" Xander prompted her curiously. "Why'd you do it?"

Buffy sighed and slumped down on the mattress Xander had thrown aside. She wondered if he could smell the sex on it like she could. She wondered if Xander could smell the salty, physical scent of her sweat mixed with Spike's. She wondered if he heard their cries echo every time the mattress squeaked, if he could see them writhing on it together in a frenzy, every time the mattress moved.

She did.

This place was oozing sex.

Their sex.

Their amazing, passionate, hungry, reckless sex.

"Buffy?" Xander put his hand on her shoulder. "You okay?"

"We were sleeping together." She blurted out, watching Xander's eyes go wide, and flare with anger. "Please. Don't.. just don't. I know, it's wrong. But he did something to me, Xand, he-"

"What did he do to you?" Xander demanded furiously. "Did he force you? Or put some magic sex mojo on you? What did he do?"

"I don't mean it like that." Buffy insisted helplessly. "I mean.. he made me feel something."

Xander hesitated and sat down beside her to listen. Buffy frowned and whispered, "I've had so much trouble feeling since I came back. All I've felt was anger.. and he turned that into passion. He made me feel alive again."

"Huh. Well.." Xander shrugged, looking ready to say something, but he frowned again and muttered a soft, "Hmm."

"I know it's a big shock." Buffy said, taking his hand in hers. "Just please don't hate me."

"I don't hate you, Buff. It's just.." He shook his head and sighed. "Nah, it doesn't matter. So.. is that why you did it? Because you were mad or something? Or was it some weird foreplay?"

She pulled a face at him and mumbled, "I don't know. I don't know why I did it. I barely even remember it. I just remember being angry. And I remember him being there. And then he was like that.. all.. crippled."

She burst into tears and curled up into a ball, sobbing, her entire frame shaking with emotion. She felt Xander's arm around her but it seemed ages away, unreachable. Buffy wiped the tears from her face, silently cursing herself for breaking down, and said in a controlled voice, "Let's keep on packing up his stuff. We'll need to get it home soon."

"Buff?" Xander watched with concern as she lifted the seperated parts of the bed up onto her shoulder. "You want some help with that?"

"No. You keep packing his clothes and stuff. I'll get this home." She quickly made her escape into the tunnels, ignoring the bruising weight of the bed. It hurt terribly, but as her tears started to fall again, she knew she deserved it.

*
 

Chapter 3:

*

Buffy tiptoed down the basement stairs, gazing around admirably at how much it had changed. While Willow and Tara had cast Spike's legs, Xander had gone to work setting up his bed, rugs, chair and TV in the basement. It looked cozy and warm now, and she was glad for him, even though Buffy had secretly wanted Spike to stay up in her room. She just hadn't known whether he'd want that too.

She placed the breakfast tray down on his bedside table and frowned as she noticed Dawn curled up in the bed beside Spike. Buffy shook the girl awake and whispered, careful not to wake Spike, "What are you doing down here?"

"I wanted to stay with him." Dawn snapped, climbing out of the bed.

"That's okay, honey, but he might not want visitors right now." Buffy hinted, remembering how much Spike had withdrew from her the previous day. She'd been openly affectionate and caring towards him and he'd thrown it back in her face.. not that it suprised her in the least. Right now, Dawn's anger wasn't shocking either, just hurtful.

"Just because he keeps to himself doesn't mean he wants to be all alone." Dawn muttered and headed for the stairs.

"You don't have to leave." Buffy said gently, patting the spot beside her on the bed as she sat down.

Dawn looked at her sister with complete contempt and snapped, "Yes, I do."

Buffy sighed and put her head in her hands helplessly. She felt Spike stir and quickly composed herself, turning to face him with a smile. "Morning. How do you feel?"

"Alright." He said softly, eyeing her suspiciously. "What's that?"

"I made you some porridge." Buffy announced cheerily. "Willow said that British people like porridge. Right?"

"Yeah, I s'pose." He sighed as she helped him sit up, sadness swelling in the pit of his stomach as he stared at his legs. They were hidden beneath the casts and track-pants he was wearing now, but nonetheless, he felt sick looking at them, lying there pathetically.

Buffy placed the breakfast tray in his lap and scooped some porridge onto the spoon, guiding it to his lips. Spike glared at her and hissed, "I don't need to be spoon-fed."

"I know." She grasped for words, wishing she could explain why she felt it was necessary for her to care for him like this. Finally she grabbed his hands and held them in her left one as she fed him a bit of the porridge, smiling at him. "Your hands are occupied. Okay?"

Spike snatched his hands away and pushed the breakfast away. "I'm not really hungry."

"I'll go down to the butcher soon and get you some blood." Buffy promised, gently threading her fingers through his hair. "You want me to comb this back?"

"It'll be fine." He muttered.

"I like it kind of messy anyway." She said with a small smile. "It's cute. Do you want me to help you with taking a shower?"

"Buffy, stop it!" Spike snapped finally, glaring at her. "I fucking hate this. You pitying me. Just stop it. I don't need your help, okay? So just leave me the hell alone."

"You do need my help." Buffy insisted in a tiny voice, shrinking away from him as he retored bitterly,

"Yeah, well whose fault is that?" Spike glowered up at her. "Just leave me alone."

Stung, she moved towards the stairs and slunk up them shamefully, peeking back at him with tears in her eyes. "I'll come see you later."

"What, and break my arms to render me completely fucked up?" Spike snarled, glaring at her, the fury in his eyes matching that of which she'd seen in Dawn's earlier.

Three out of the four people in this house hated her - Spike, Dawn, and herself. Willow was neutral. Willow was understanding to both sides of the story. As Buffy walked on wobbly feet into the kitchen, she fell into her friend's arms to cry.

*

She was dreading the moment all afternoon. Dawn had returned home from school and gone straight down to the basement to be with Spike, glaring at Buffy, warning her that there would be consequences if she got in the way. It was now almost midnight and Buffy had to tell Dawn it was time to leave Spike alone and go to bed.

She wondered if she'd leave the basement alive.

"Dawn?" Buffy smiled at her sister as she came down into the basement. Dawn was sprawled out on the rug reading a magazine while Spike watched TV in his chair, but they were holding hands, and decisively ignoring her. "Sweetie?"

"What do you want?" Dawn growled, glowering at Buffy.

"It's past your bedtime." Buffy said gently. "And you have school again tomorrow."

"Fine." Dawn stood up and gave Spike's hand an affectionate squeeze. "You'll be okay?"

"I'll be fine, Nibblet." He promised, smiling at her.

"I love you." She whispered, throwing her arms around him.

Buffy watched as his eyes filled with joy and he replied, "I love you too, Bit."

"Goodnight." She pulled away reluctantly and hurried up the stairs, ignoring Buffy on her way by.

"I'm sorry if she was bothering you." Buffy said softly, sitting down on the edge of his bed.

"She wasn't bothering me." Spike replied, frowning at Buffy suspiciously, his eyes asking silently, What are you still doing here?

"You said to me you wanted to be alone." She pointed out uneasily.

"I said that to you. Last time I checked Dawn didn't do this to me." Spike snapped, gesturing in disgust at his legs.

"You're good with her." She said, not giving up quite yet. She smiled at him and admitted, "Maybe better than mom was. Definitely better than I am."

"That's for fucking sure." Spike said with a roll of his eyes.

She blinked back tears and asked in a wobbly voice, "Are you tired? I'll put you to bed if you are."

"Yeah." He sighed as she lifted him up from the chair and took him over to the bed. Buffy laid him down gently, pulling the blankets over his legs.

"Spike.." She took a deep breath, and asked in a hurry, "Do you mind if I stay down here with you tonight?"

"Do whatever you want, it's your house." He muttered, turning onto his side so he didn't have to face her.

Buffy walked around to the other side of the bed so he did and slowly pulled off her tank top, dropping it to the floor carelessly as she unhooked her bra. She smiled at him, watching as his eyes grew wide, coloured with lust and love. She wiggled her way out of her skirt and panties, and then crawled into bed with him. She took his shirt off him and slid it on carefully, leaving the buttons undone as she moved into his embrace.

"Goodnight, baby." She whispered, nuzzling his neck. She felt Spike's hand slip inside the shirt and fit snugly around her waist and smiled. It was good to know he still wanted her. Better, with every passing second, she was sure that he still loved her, too.

She hugged Spike closer and let his tight, comforting embrace lull her off to sleep.

*

During the night she felt his tears on her shoulder. Buffy sat up, staring down at him sadly as Spike cried helplessly to himself. She put her arm around him and kissed him softly, whispering, "Baby, talk to me."

His eyes grew wide as he realized with a jolt of horror that she was watching him cry. Spike tried to compose himself but the tears kept on coming relentlessly. Buffy cupped his face in her hands and kissed him several times, coaxing him gently, "Talk to me, I'll make it better."

"You can't." He mumbled.

"I know you're in pain.. I know you're suffering.." Her own eyes filled with crystal tears and she begged, "But it'll get better."

"I've come to redefine pain and suffering since I fell in love with you." He said distantly, staring up at the ceiling miserably. "I thought that I'd felt the worst that I could feel when you died, or when you put me down and constantly rejected me. I thought that it couldn't get more painful than all that. But what I feel right now.. there aren't words for it. It's beyond anything I've ever known. It's hell."

"Spike, baby, I-"

"No." He stared at her with eyes that pleaded with her along with his words. "I can't talk to you about this because I don't know how. There aren't words for it, okay? What I need.. is for you to know that leaving it be is best for it. Just leave it be, Buffy. I'll get better in time.. and then we'll talk. Just leave it be."

She snuggled up beside him and peppered soft kisses along his jawline, her fingers threading through his hair gently. She expelled hot breath against his neck as she admitted, "I've come to redefine a lot of things since we got together.. joy.. ecstasy.. passion.. love."

He bolted upright and stared at her, eyes round and cloudy with confusion. "What does that mean?"

She smiled at him and pulled him down to rest beside her, planting one last kiss on his lips. "Just leave it be, Spike. Give it time."

"But do you lo-"

"I'm going upstairs." Buffy smiled at him as she crawled out of the bed slowly. "Goodnight."

He grabbed at her arm and tried to pull her back to him, protesting, "Buffy-"

She sighed and echoed his very words, a cunning smile on her face, her eyes filled with affection as she gazed at him, "I can't talk to you about this because I don't know how. There aren't words for it, okay?"

Buffy headed for the stairs, and as she put her foot on the first step, she whispered, "It's too strong for words."

*

 

Chapter 4:

"Your casts are waterproof.. so they'll be okay." Buffy mumbled as she pulled his pants off, avoiding his eye carefully. "I got you some really nice shampoo at the shops yesterday.. it's the best stuff for guys.. smells kind of like coconuts or something."

"Thanks." Spike lifted his arms up as she pulled his shirt off, eyeing her suspiciously. Her cheeks were flushed and her eyes refused to meet with his, and he couldn't figure out whether it was undressing him that embarrassed her or what had happened the night before.

Her words rung in his mind... I've come to redefine a lot of things since we got together.. joy.. ecstasy.. passion.. love..

Love.. was it even possible she felt that way?

Spike was thrown out of his thoughts as Buffy lifted him up and placed him in the plastic chair in the shower. Self-loathing boiled up inside him as he stared down at his legs, stretched out before him, contained in the casts. He felt so utterly pathetic it ached and sickened him. Hot tears filled his eyes as Buffy started cleansing him gently with a loofah sponge. He hung his head and tried to seperate himself from this awful, awful reality.

"Spike.. you okay?" Buffy ran a soapy hand through his blonde hair, smiling gently down at him.

"I'm fine." He replied quietly, hoping she would mistake the tears on his face for water from the shower.

"I'll wash your hair now, baby." She cooed gently, grabbing the bottle of shampoo to squirt it into her hands.

Before this had happened, Buffy had never spoken to him affectionately. She would never have called him 'baby' or anything even close. She'd hurl abuse at him to no end, calling him a 'pig', 'asshole', 'reject', 'loser'.. there was likely to be a whole encycolpedia of abusive terms she had for him. Right now, he'd take any of that over being called 'baby'.

That was exactly how he felt.

Like a helpless, pathetic child.

He started to cry harder, shaking as tears flooded down his face. Buffy stopped washing his hair and stared at him as he sobbed, unable to speak for all the guilt swelling inside of her. She knew it was her fault, and she knew he needed her.

But all that she could stupidly say was, "Did I get shampoo in your eyes?"

He frowned up at her, repeating her words over in his mind for a moment in sheer bewilderment. Then a smile curled over his lips and he started laughing, inviting Buffy to do the same. She moved into his lap, allowing the shower to soak her as they laughed together, weak in each other's arms.

*

"I don't want to go to school today." Dawn announced as Buffy carted Spike into the kitchen.

"Dawn.." Buffy trailed off and sighed, glancing down at Spike, silently pleading for his help.

"Sweetheart, you should go." Spike insisted, giving her a stern look. "And don't you pout at me like that."

"I don't feel like it." Dawn whined. "Can't I stay here and hang out with you?"

"Dawnie, honey, you have the whole weekend to hang around with Spike." Buffy pointed out gently, treading carefully around the teenager.

"That's not long enough." Dawn replied simply, glaring at Buffy.

Buffy felt her sister's eyes cut into her like daggers along with her words but tried to remain strong. "Sure it is. It's two whole days of Spike, and you can have plenty of fun then. But now it's time for school."

"How do I know he'll even be here on the weekend? You might off him by then." She snapped, glowering at Buffy. "You're a heartless bitch."

Spike glanced up at Buffy and saw tears flowing down the Slayer's face. He frowned at Dawn and said angrily, "That's enough, Bit. Your sister doesn't deserve that."

"But look at what she did to you." Dawn pointed out weakly, blinking back tears as she glanced from the angry Spike to the tearful Buffy. "You expect me to forgive her for it?"

"Well, I'm not going to anytime soon." He said simply, gently taking Buffy's hand at the same time to reassure her. "But it's different for you, Nibblet. You're her sister. She loves you a lot."

"But she hurt you. If she loved me she wouldn't hurt the people I love." Dawn said adamantly, glaring at Buffy who whimpered under the furious stare.

"I'm sorry, Dawnie." Buffy said in a tiny voice, clinging to Spike's hand as though it were her lifeline. "I didn't mean it."

"Look at him." Dawn gestured angrily at Spike, and hissed, "He's crippled. He's in a wheelchair. He's completely messed up. You meant it."

Buffy yanked her hand away from Spike and rushed from the room. Spike glared at Dawn and insisted, "You go talk to her now."

"No! How can you be on her side?"

"There aren't sides, Bit. She's your sister and you upset her something awful. Go apologize." Spike waited but Dawn didn't budge and he finally sighed, "For me? Please, luv?"

"Fine." She scowled at him and reluctantly went after Buffy.

"Buffy?" Dawn tapped on her sister's door gently. "Can I come in?"

"Sure." Came the muffled reply and Dawn stepped inside the room to find Buffy curled up on her bed, crying into Mr. Gordo's pink fur. Dawn took a deep breath and tried to remember good things about Buffy, but all that came to mind was Spike, lying on the sofa, bruised and bloodied, crying.

Buffy noticed the anger light up in Dawn's eyes and sighed, more tears dropping down her face, "I don't deserve for anyone to forgive me, I know. What I did was horrible and I get that you hate me."

"I don't hate you.. and I don't think you're a heartless bitch." Dawn admitted gently. "Just tell me why you did it."

Buffy set her beloved stuffed pig aside and mumbled, head hung in shame, "I was angry. Things have been really hard since I got back and Spike's always been there.. he lets me let it all out. Sometimes with him.. or sometimes on him."

"What do you mean.. with him?" Dawn asked in confusion.

"Spike and I.. were.. well.. we were.." Unable to find words for it, Buffy blushed bright red and shrugged, an embarrassed smile on her face. "There was stuff going on."

Dawn remained silent, too shocked to speak. Buffy carried on quickly, her heart racing as she admitted, "He made me feel something that nobody else ever has. But at the same time, I really hated him for making me feel that way. I hated that I couldn't feel unless I was with something dead."

"He's not dead." Dawn spat defensively.

"Well, he is, but-"

"I know he is technically, but you talk about him like he's some disgusting, cold, lifeless thing, and he's not!" Dawn shrieked, turning to leave. Buffy grabbed Dawn's hand quickly and pulled her down to sit beside her on the bed.

"I know he's not." Buffy said gently. "But I wasn't ready.. and it just made me hurt even more. It ended up hurting me so badly that I had to let it all go.."

"And you found him." Dawn muttered dismally, tears filling her eyes. As they slipped down her face she admitted in a shrill voice, "I hate seeing him like this. I hate how he's so weak and sad and pathetic now. He used to be so strong.. he used to be like my rock.. and now I have to be his, and it's hard, and I hate myself for saying this.. but it's harder to love him."

Buffy wrapped her arms around Dawn and whispered, "Dawn.. it's gonna be okay. He'll be fine. It just needs time."

"Buffy.." Dawn bolted upright, a look of total horror on her face. "Spike can normally hear everything that's said in this house. What if he heard what I just said?"

"Shit." Buffy hurried downstairs and found nobody but Xander in the kitchen. "Where's Spike?"

"He asked me to take him down to the basement." Xander glanced at Dawn as she came into the kitchen. "Hey Dawnie. Ready for school?"

"I'll go get my stuff." Dawn glanced at Buffy worriedly. "Did he..?"

"No, I don't think he did." Buffy assured Dawn. "Go get your stuff."

She turned to Xander and he sighed, admitting softly, "He heard it."

"Jesus." Buffy murmered, putting her head in her hands. "Did he look hurt?"

"He didn't exactly look on top of the world about it." Xander grimaced and added sadly, "He looked ready to cry. Then he asked me to take him downstairs."

"Jesus." She repeated and forced a quick smile at Xander. "I guess I'll go talk to him. You should get Dawnie to school."

"Okay." Xander stepped forward and gave Buffy a quick hug, sensing her despair.

"This is hard." Buffy whispered, burying her face in her friend's shoulder.

"It'll get better." Xander promised her gently. "Just go talk to him.. I think he needs it."

"Okay." Buffy took a deep breath and headed off down to the basement to talk to Spike, repeating Xander's words over in her mind, searching for some security in them. She just didn't know how things could ever get better.

She stepped down into the basement and found Spike crying, and ached for him. He glanced up at her and his eyes turned guilty, as though he believed he couldn't cry in front of her. Buffy rushed into his arms and hugged him fiercely, finding more security in his embrace than she'd ever known.

*
 

Chapter 5:

Buffy pulled away from their hug slowly and sighed. "You heard what she said, huh?"

"Yeah." Spike hung his head slightly and muttered, "Even the Nibblet can't love me like this."

"She does love you, she's just scared right now." Buffy cupped his face in her hands and planted a soft kiss on his forehead. "You know, she loves you for being her hero, all strong and brave, and right now you're kind of not."

He remained silent, staring up at Buffy sadly. "I heard you tellin' the Bit why you did it."

"I wanted to talk to you about that." Buffy removed herself from his lap and jumped onto his bed, sitting cross-legged, her head in her hands. "Spike.. I didn't mean it. I really, really didn't."

"You could've just talked to me about it." He said sullenly, frowning at her. "I would've listened."

"I know, baby." She leaned over and kissed him on the nose. "I just don't know how to put any of this into words lately.. all this hurting. It's too strong for me to just jump into a conversation about it with you."

"That's alright, kitten." He quickly swung himself out of the wheelchair onto the bed to lie beside her.

She curled up in his arms and sighed happily as he peppered her face with kisses. "Spike?"

"Mmm?"

"Do you still love me?" She flinched as he frowned down at her and pulled away. "It's okay if you don't. After what I did to you, feelings of love aren't exactly gonna be happening easily, I know. It's just.. I want you to know, if you don't.. that's alright."

"I still love you." He said softly, pulling her back into his arms. "I still love you more than anything else in the world."

"But look at you." Buffy said sadly. "Look at what I've done to you. And you said to Dawn you haven't forgiven me yet."

"I haven't, pet. Not for this." He looked away and whispered distantly, "I don't know how to yet."

"Lemme make it up to you then." Buffy said in a hushed voice as she moved on top of him and kissed him passionately, her arm snaking around him to pull him closer. Her other hand wriggled underneath her top and stroked his abs, her nails scraping over the hard surface. She heard Spike groan and familiar rushes of lust hit her hard and Buffy deepened the kiss, her hand slipping down to his thigh.

"Wait." Spike interrupted, a small frown on his face. "I think we should take this slow."

"I don't wanna." Buffy whispered and slipped her fingers under the waistband of his jeans.

Spike took her hand away and pressed soft kisses to her fingertips. "I don't just think we should take this slow.. I need that right now."

"Okay, baby." She murmered and went to kiss him again but he stopped her.

"Buffy.. can you not call me that, sweetheart?" His eyes filled with tears and he admitted quietly, "It just hurts me. That's what I feel like right now.. a helpless child."

"You're not." She assured him, pressing a kiss to the side of his mouth. "But I wanna call you something.."

She thought for a moment and then decided with a smile, "Sweetie.. honey.. Spikeykins.. or just Spikey. I think that sounds cute."

"Alright, pet." He groaned as she crawled on top of him and started kissing his neck and pushed her back gently, whispering, "Taking it slow, okay?"

Their lips met for a slow, lingering kiss, and she whispered gently, "Okay."

*

"They have ducks on 'em." Spike growled, glaring up at her.

"You need some pyjamas." Buffy whined, placing the blue flanelettes in his lap. "You can't always wear those sloppy old track pants Xander gave you. You need new clothes."

"I am not wearing something with little ducklings on it." Spike spat in disgust. "I'm evil. I don't wear ducks, I feed off 'em, if necessary."

"What about these?" Buffy wondered, selecting a yellow set with teddy bears.

"No!"

"But I think they're cute." Buffy said in a sugary-sweet voice. "Please? For me?"

"No." He replied sullenly, shoving the pyjamas back at her.

"Can I help you two with anything?" The shop assistant asked as she approached them.

"We'll just be a minute." Buffy replied and frowned at Spike. "Why won't you get them?"

"They're ridiculous!"

"Fine." She grumbled and turned away from him, shoving the pyjamas back on the rack.

"Now, wait a second." Spike murmered, pulling her into his lap. "Don't get all grouchy with me."

"I want you to wear the ducks." Buffy insisted, glaring at him. She saw her anger had no affect on him whatsoever and rested against her chest and whispered, "Can't you imagine it? You wearing those, me tearing them off you.. we'll make love.. and we'll go to sleep together, you in the pants, me in the shirt.. wouldn't that be nice?"

"You're a bloody tease, Slayer." He growled.

"I'm not teasing." She replied and pulled away from him, waving the pyjamas in the air. "You want 'em or not?"

"I'll take them." He agreed reluctantly.

"You're so good to me." Buffy leant down and kissed him gently, cupping his cheek. "You're gonna be very glad you bought these, Spikey."

She strutted off to the counter to pay for the pyjamas and he couldn't suppress his smile anymore. She was acting completely silly, but it was the first time he'd seen her smile like that in ages. And she was being openly affectionate constantly - it was so different to before where she'd hide everything away and act defensive all the time.

Spike watched as Buffy returned to him and set the shopping bag down in his lap, a huge smile on her face. She kissed him and carted him out of the shop, saying something about groceries and drycleaning that needed attending to.

She was open, honest, and affectionate. He was a permanent fixture in her life. He didn't know if she loved him. He didn't know how she could when he was crippled and pathetic, and she was so strong. He didn't know how it would ever work.

But right now everything between them felt absolutely perfect.. it was more than he ever asked for.

He just hope that it didn't come crashing down around him as it had before.

*

 

Chapter 6:

"Okay, I've been in total research mode." Willow announced, smiling around at Spike, Xander, Dawn and Buffy. "And I've figured out what will help Spike heal."

"What?" Buffy demanded instantly, her grip on Spike's hand tightening. She frowned over at him as he pulled away but her concern for him was lost when Willow started talking.

"This may seem a little strange, because he's not human, but calcium will really help." She announced, flicking her hair back. "At least two glasses a day."

"Aww, some warm milk before bed for wittle Spikey?" Xander teased, grinning around at everyone. He was met with nothing but dirty looks and asked in a hurt voice, "What, so now he's in a wheelchair it's not funny?"

"Anyway," Willow started again, ignoring Xander decisively, "He'll need to take in the same amount of blood every day or more, for obvious reasons."

"Would human blood be better?" Buffy inquired curiously, drawing everyone's instant attention.

"No. No way!" Xander shook his head vehemently. "You're already making out with him all the time, I don't need to see him feeding off you as well. The tongue-fest is enough."

Dawn glared at Xander and piped up, "But it might help, and if Buffy's willing-"

"It's not a good idea." Everyone turned to look at Spike in suprise and he elaborated quietly, "I haven't had human blood in a while. I don't know what might happen if I start taking it again. And it's Buffy.. I don't want to hurt her."

"It'll be fine." Buffy said gently, taking his hand again.

Spike snatched it away for the second time and insisted, "No, it won't be fine. So just leave it."

"Spike?" Dawn spoke up quietly as though afraid he'd snap at her too, but he smiled gently and she continued with a mental sigh of relief. "We have to go if we wanna make that movie."

"Sure, Nibblet." Spike glanced at Buffy quickly and gave her the slightest smile as Dawn wheeled him out of the Magic Box.

"Is he okay?" Willow murmered worriedly, gazing after him.

"I don't know, but guess who he loves more." Buffy muttered and stormed into the back of the shop, hurling herself at the sand-bag. She beat it violently, a million thoughts racing through her mind. Why was he pulling away? Why did he love Dawn more than her? Why had she woken up this morning, just as she promised, wearing one half of his new pyjama set, but miles away from Spike? He normally kept her safe in his arms.

This morning he'd been clear on the other side of the bed.

Worse, she'd started to cry. She actually felt so deeply for him that being apart from him brought her to tears.

Buffy collapsed against the sand-bag and cried, her hot tears melting down her face furiously. She hugged it fiercely, wishing it were Spike. It felt all strong and sturdy like Spike. And just like him, it returned none of her affection.

Buffy sobbed harder, falling to a ball on the floor, weak, aching, and utterly filled with self-loathing.

For hurting him like she did.

For ruining things like she did.

For letting him fall out of love with her like she did.

For letting it all happen within the space of weeks when she suddenly realized the love she bore for him could have lasted a lifetime.

*

"That movie was so cool!" Dawn gushed as she carted Spike down the street in the direction of home. She leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to the back of his head. "Thanks for taking me."

"S'alright, Bit." He smiled at her as she stopped and turned the chair around so they were facing.

"I know you heard what I said." Her face flooded with guilt as black as the night and she started apologizing profusely. "I'm so, so sorry for it. I don't mean what you think I mean. I still love you and I still think you're great.. but it's just.."

"..Hard seeing me like this." He finished for her with a small, sad smile. "It's alright, Nibblet. I understand."

"Good." Dawn grinned at him and they continued down the street.

"Hey Spike." A menacing voice came as a vampire darted out of the shadows. Dawn let out a small shriek and it smirked. "Is this your girlfriend?"

"Dawn, keep going." Spike instructed and she tried to, but the demon blocked her way, suddenly joined by two others.

"Look at Mr. Tough, not so tough anymore." One of the new vamps sneered, glaring down at Spike.

"Turn around, Bit." Spike said quietly and she started to do so when the third demon's words cut through him.

"You're so pathetic. Why not just get your Slayer whore to stake you now? You can't fight. You can barely even cope on your own without help. What kind of vampire are you?"

"The kind who would kick your ass if he wasn't in that chair." Buffy's voice came suddenly and shocked all of them. Within seconds the vamps were dusted and she grinned. "Looks like I took care of that. You okay?"

"Fine." Spike mumbled, eyes downcast. "C'mon, Bit. Let's get home."

"You can come on patrol with me." Buffy offered with a smile that conveyed fake feelings of cheer. Obviously Spike felt just as miserable as she did but chose not to hide it.

His eyes clouded with anger and pain, he hissed, "And do what? Try and trample enemies with my wheelchair?"

He looked at her like she was dirt and then glanced up at Dawn. He forced a smile at her and prompted, "It's late."

"Okay." Dawn carted him past Buffy, glancing worriedly back at her wounded sister. "Spike.. I know she hurt you.. but.. do you really need to take it out on her?"

"She took it out on me." He muttered and didn't speak for the rest of the way home, his eyes black with some unrecognizable blur of emotions. They were too strong for Dawn to decipher, and left a hollow ache in the pit of her stomach, and she decided to forget it. She took Spike downstairs and put him in front of the TV and kissed him goodnight, then retreated upstairs to try and make sense of everything that was going wrong.

*

"Hey, Spike." Tara made her way down the stairs with a shy smile on her face. "Okay if I come in?"

"No problem, pet." He wheeled himself away from the TV and smiled at her. "What you got there?"

"Balm for your legs. It should help the burns that are left on your calves." She pulled his pant legs up and stripped the bandages off quickly. "Are these feeling okay?"

"They don't feel at all." He said softly, his voice a melody of misery to her ears. Tara patted his hand gently and smiled.

"You'll get better."

"We don't know that." Spike replied, staring off into the distance as she rubbed the balm into the burns. He didn't feel it at all and tears sprang into his eyes immediately.

"You okay?" Tara put her hand over his again and he quickly blinked back tears and nodded with a strained smile. She sighed and insisted, "Spike.. come on."

"It doesn't matter, luv. I'm fine." He looked away again in shame as she set the tub of balm aside.

"You know.. I saw Dawnie before I came down here. She said you're upset with Buffy and you were being kind of mean to her."

"I didn't mean to be." Spike whispered, guilt lacing his tone. "It's just hard to be around her at the moment."

"Why?"

"Because everything she supposedly feels for me is utter bollocks." He replied bluntly. "Come on, it didn't start until she did this to me. It's pity is all.. and it all seems completely fake."

"What if it isn't?" Tara suggested hopefully. "What if she really feels for you?"

"As soon as my legs work again.. sorry, if my legs work again.. I'll be out of here in a flash and I'll the the evil, soulless, unworthy demon she can't ever love, trust or respect."

"Maybe she'll learn something from this..?" Tara's face sagged, hearing the truth in his words, as clear as water and as sharp as a dagger. "Spike, you're a good guy.."

"Not to her I'm not!" He said in a strangled cry of despair. "I mean.. I'm never gonna be good enough, I know that. But what bugs me is that she pities me and forces this berage of fake feelings on me to try and cheer me up. It hurts. And how could she love me like this? I'm pathetic and helpless and I'm hideous!"

"No you're not." Tara threw her arms around him and hugged him as he started to cry. "Spike, you're not.. please believe that."

"She's pressed it into me." He spat bitterly. "She's made me hate myself, even before all this. And now I'm crippled. I'm so fucking lost.. I don't know what to do anymore."

Tara placed a gentle hand on his shoulder and said softly, "I really believe in how she feels for you, Spike. Buffy's not one for pitying people, really. She's sympathizing with you and she feels remorse. I really do believe she's falling in love with you, Spike. Maybe it's for all the wrong reasons, like guilt, and it's coming suddenly, and out of the blue, and I can see why you don't believe in it. But I do. And you should to. Remember how you felt when she insisted you couldn't and didn't love her? That hurt, right?"

"Yeah." He admitted sadly, sinking down in his chair.

"Spike.. let her love you." Tara said in a whisper. "It's the best thing you can do.. for both of you."


*
 

Chapter 7:

"Spike.." Buffy tip-toed down the basement stairs, tears dripping down her face. He was lying face-down on his bed, fast asleep, and she rushed to him and hugged him, her arms wrapping as tightly around him as they could. Her tears melted into his back and she sighed sadly as he started to stir.

"What're you doin' here?" He grumbled, turning over and casting her aside. Spike stared at her with a scowl. "Come on, out with it. You interrupted my sleep already."

"Baby, I talked to Tara." She whimpered, staring down at him sadly. She saw him flare up and placed a gentle, silencing hand over his mouth and whispered, "Look, I know you hate that I call you that, but it's not because I think you're one. I call you that because it's in my heart. It's what I feel. It's my affection and feelings for you that makes me call you that."

"Do you people just decide to gossip about me?" He snapped, wriggling out from under her. He propped himself up on one elbow and snarled, "I decide to share with you and you all go treating me like some tabloid scandal, or some science expiriment."

"We're not treating you like that, baby. She didn't tell me exactly what you said but she said it wasn't good.. that you're scared about a lot of things and self-concious." Buffy traced her hand over his face and whispered, "Baby, you're so beautiful. You're so handsome and lovely and you have such a good heart. I'm so sorry I didn't tell you I felt all this sooner.. it scared me, though, and.."

"Stop crying." Spike said softly, curling an arm around her shoulder gently. "Come on, kitten."

"I'm sorry, Spike." Buffy pressed her face against his neck and her tears washed his skin. "I don't want it to be like this with us.. I didn't wanna hurt you, baby.."

"It's alright." He said soothingly, running his fingers through her hair with one hand, the other massaging the small of her back. "It's just hard for me adjusting to all this right now, pet."

She smiled as he wiped the traces of tears from her face and pressed a soft kiss to the tip of her nose. "Do you want us to be together or not? Cos right now you're acting like you don't."

"I don't think I'm ready for anything too complicated, sweetheart. But then again, I don't reckon you are, either."

"It's not pity." She promised as he sat up, leaning against the headboard. She settled in his lap, running her hand down his chest. "Do you really wanna wait with this?"

"Are you saying you admit we have something?" He challenged her with the faintest trace of a smirk.

"I've been saying it for ages now." Buffy smiled and kissed him gently. She hesitated and met his eye shyly, whispering, "Maybe we can still kiss sometimes? And I can sleep down here with you a little bit?"

"Sure, kitten." Landing a tiny kiss on her chin, Spike leaned in further and whispered, "I still love you, Buffy. I promise."

She rested against his chest, a small smile on her face as his words washed over her soothingly.

*

"Chocolate. We needs lots of chocolate." Dawn dumped three blocks of chocolate into the trolley. Dropping another two in, she repeated with a smile, "Lots of chocolate."

"Just because I'm in this chair doesn't mean I'm going to let you spend.." Spike paused, glancing at the prices on the shelf, his eyes growing wide, ".. over twenty dollars on bloody chocolate!"

"But it's the best." Dawn whined, pouting at him. The frown on his face didn't lift and she replaced four of the blocks on the shelf, scowling at him. "You're not much fun."

"We need to get milk." He said gruffly. "Aisle four."

"Okay." Dawn ran ahead a few steps and leapt up onto the handle-bars of the shopping cart, skimming along the linoleum floor of the grocery store.

"Be careful, Nibblet." Spike warned, pulling up beside her in the wheel chair.

"It's fun." She replied, smiling at him. "I used to do it when I was little, like five or six.."

Sadness crept over her face and she murmered, "I guess that's kind of a fake memory. But it is fun."

"Well, this can be a real one, then." He said gently, smiling after her as she coasted off ahead again. Her laugh filled the grocery store, bubbling up out of her again and again in joyous spurts.

*

Spike cried out in laughter as Dawn raced him around upstairs, occasionally jumping up on the back of the chair so they could skim along together. They stopped outside her door and Dawn grinned at him. "I told you it was fun."

He smiled back up at her adoringly. "It's great, Bit."

He hesitated and frowned slightly. "Buffy's gonna be home soon. I don't know if she'll be too impressed."

"Screw her." Dawn ran over to Buffy's bedroom door and swung it open. "We need more room."

She returned to Spike and started pushing the chair, and as it gained speed, jumped up and held on as they sped toward's Buffy's room. As they burst through the door, the left wheel of the chair caught on something and a loud tearing sound shocked both Spike and Dawn.

And then they heard the front door open downstairs.

Dawn quickly yanked the chair backwards and grabbed the object up off the floor, her face paling instantly. "Oh.. god."

"Bloody hell." Spike murmered, staring at the stuffed pig that had been torn right in half.

"Hey guys!" Buffy sung as she came up the stairs.

"I wasn't here." Dawn whispered frantically and raced into her room.

Spike collected the remnants of Mr. Gordo up off the floor and stared at the injured pig in horror. His head snapped up as he saw Buffy finishing her climb of the stairs and wanted to run and hide, but not only could he not run, there was just no place to hide. She grinned at him and called as she approached him, "Hey baby."

Her smile faded as she got closer and saw the broken toy in his hands. Buffy's eyes went wide and filled with tears of utter horror as she snatched Mr. Gordo away from Spike with a whimper of, "What did you do?"

"It wasn't me, kitten!" Spike insisted, wheeling closer to her. "It was.. it was.."

He couldn't bring himself to blame Dawn and said softly, "Okay, it was me. I'm so sorry."

"You horrible, evil man!" Buffy cried tearfully and stormed past Spike into her room. When he started to follow her she yelled, "You stay out of here.. you.. you pig murderer!"

Spike came into her room anyway and positioned himself right by her bed as she collapsed upon it in tears. He pried Mr. Gordo from her hands and stared at the pig in sorrow. "I really didn't mean to hurt him."

"You go away." Buffy mumbled from under her pillow. "I'm never gonna speak to you again."

"Kitten, come on, now." He took hold of her foot, the only part of her he could really reach, and caressed it gently. "Mr. Gordo was getting a bit old now, wasn't he?"

"You evil, evil man!" She shouted, glowering at him as she bolted upright. "You get out now! NOW!"

His head hung in shame, the remaining halves of Mr. Gordo collected in his lap, Spike wheeled out of Buffy's room, glaring at Dawn as she peeped out at him from her room. She smiled sheepishly and he snapped, "You bloody owe me, Nibblet."

She came out of her room and pushed him gently down the stairs and then took him further down into the basement. He glared up at her and muttered, "You get me some bloody needle and thread right the hell now."

*
 

Chapter 8:

"And the bloody thing just tore in half. It was all Dawn's fault, really, but I couldn't go dobbing the Bit in."

Xander gave a low whistle. "Wow, you killed Mr. Gordo? I'm suprised you aren't dust yet."

"Same." Spike stared down in the freshly-fixed pig in his hands as Xander helped him up the stairs. "You reckon she'll forgive me?"

"Well, you did a good job on him. Where'd you learn to sew?" Xander held up one hand in defence as Spike scowled at him. "Not poking fun, an honest question."

"Dru always wanted new dresses for Miss Edith." Spike said quietly, turning the stuffed toy over in his hands as they reached the landing. "Thanks, mate."

"Don't blame me if you go in there and come out dust." Xander paused, a frown crossing his face. "Not that you could come out dust.. because you'd be dust.. but.. yeah. I'd better get Dawn to school."

"Right." Spike sighed and wheeled himself into Buffy's room, wincing as his foot connected with the door to push it open.

"Go away." Buffy mumbled, curled up in a tiny ball on her bed. She spoke sullenly, her back to him as she muttered, "You murdered my pig. You come a step.. a wheel.. um.. any closer, I'll murder you. And then two pigs will have died in the past twenty-four hours. Not good."

"Kitten.." Spike manouvered himself around the other side of her bed so he could face her. Buffy scowled up at him and he took her hand gently. "I'm very sorry for what happened, pet."

"What's that?" She asked, curiosity alighting her tone as she stared at the object hidded in Spike's hands.

"I fixed him for you." Spike said gently, placing the pig in her hands. "I sewed him back together, but the stitches looked bloody awful, so I cut up a pair of my leather pants to make him a jacket."

Buffy smiled down at her toy pig, who looked even more adorable than before fit in a teeny leather jacket. She moved off her bed and sat in Spike's lap, landing a soft kiss on his forehead. "Thankyou."

"It's alright." He smiled hopefully at her and asked, "You're not mad at me, then?"

"Maybe a little.. for cutting up your pants. They always looked sexy on you." She admitted with a small scowl.

Spike shrugged, plucking Mr. Gordo out of her hands to study him. "Yeah, but I can't wear 'em over my casts at the moment.. and I reckon the pig looks pretty flash in leather."

"He does. Kind of like.. an undead Mr. Gordo." Buffy kissed Spike softly, her hand curling through his hair gently. She purred against his soft lips and murmered, "You taste good, baby."

"Mmm, you feel good." He replied, smirking.

"Not so much with the taste?" She asked with a frown, expelling breath against the palm of her hand and sniffing at it.

"Very much with the taste." He assured her and kissed her passionately to prove it.

She pulled away breathless and settled for running her hands through his hair for a moment. "Wanna take a shower?"

He nodded and she closed her lips around his earlobe, suckling at it gently. "A shower with you sounds very good right now, baby. All hot.. and wet.. and slippery.."

She felt him grow hard between her legs, a coy smile lighting up her face, and she teased, "I don't think I have to ask again, but.. wanna take a shower, baby?"

*

Buffy smiled at Spike as he swung himself into her bed and she curled up beside him, pressing a tiny kiss to his neck. "That was amazing, baby."

"Was it?" He asked nervously, playing with her wet locks of hair gently.

"Since when do you question how you were?" Buffy frowned at him and slapped him on the chest. "You're an idiot, Spike. You know you're amazing."

"But I'm all like this now." He murmered, waving his hand over his legs suggestively. "You can't tell me that you're attracted to me like this."

"They're just your legs." Buffy said in a whiny tone, burying her face against his neck. "Come on. There are lots of bits of you I like better than those."

"Like?" He prompted her curiously.

"Like your arms." Buffy ran her hands over the ripples of his muscles and smiled. "They're very sexy. And you're chest.. and your abs.. okay, let's just say the whole upper body region."

He smirked and reached over to fondle her left breast, whispering, "I like your upper body region too, kitten."

"Let go of that." She scowled at him and whispered, "Mr. Gordo's watching."

Spike grabbed the pig and studied it carefully. He smiled over at Buffy and admitted, "He's cute, luv."

"I've had him for forever." Buffy said softly, taking the stuffed toy from him. "He's like my family.. 'cept for you and Dawnie."

"Am I your family?" Spike asked quietly, eyes slightly shy as he gazed at her.

Buffy shrugged and murmered, "Maybe. Is that okay with you?"

"I've never had a real family." Spike said, peppering kisses over her face. "I'd love to be a part of yours, sweetheart."

"You'd better not corrupt it with your drinking and smoking and gambling." Buffy muttered, narrowing her eyes at him. "Have you ever let Dawn smoke?"

"Why the hell would I let the Nibblet smoke?" Spike asked indignantly. "I'm not gonna try and rot the poor girl."

"Just checking." Buffy kissed him softly and smiled. "I know you'd never let her come to any harm."

"Well.. she did come down to the bar a few times." Spike admitted, rolling his eyes as Buffy bolted upright and glared down at him accusingly. "It was just when she'd be wanting to spend an evening with me and she knew I'd be there."

"Hmmm." She jumped out of the bed and wrapped a sheet around herself. "I'm just gonna see if she remembered that report she was working on."

Spike stretched out, grabbing Mr. Gordo, and placing the small pig on his chest. He smiled into it's black button eyes and said softly, "We're family now, mate. Did you hear what she said? She said I'm her family."

The pig seemed to smile back at him for a moment before Spike set him aside, on Buffy's pillow. He sat up and managed to get himself back into his chair. Spike was settling into the chair, when a soft, mournful cry floated out of Dawn's room. Spike quickly wheeled himself after Buffy and found her sitting on Dawn's bed, her hands filled with items of jewellery and accessories, all complete with tags from the store.

"What is all that?" Spike asked, staring at the other items surrounding Buffy on the bed - toys, pens, and more.

Buffy whimpered and tossed the items aside, putting her head in her hands. She stared at Spike tearfully as he took her hands and kissed them softly, and moaned, "What the hell has she done?"

"I don't know, kitten." Spike pulled Buffy into his arms and let her settle in his lap, her tears soaking into his skin as she clung to him. He stared at all of the shop-lifted items and sighed sadly again, "I don't know."

*

 

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