Prologue:

Buffy sat on the couch, slumped down, staring at the TV. She wanted to laugh at the cartoon characters running around manically, but she seemed unable to smile. It had been like that for three months now.

She turned the TV off and her image was reflected in the black screen. Her figure was so lumpy it disgusted her. No matter how much she exercised, the weight she'd gained whilst pregnant wouldn't disappear. She didn't blame Smith, not at all. She loved Smith. She'd loved him ever since she'd first discovered her pregnancy.

"Elizabeth?" Ethan's voice floated into her day-dreams and she perked up.

"Hi.. honey." She gave him a strained smile. "Sorry, I couldn't sleep. I came to watch-"

"Shhh." He pulled her into his arms and kissed her softly. "I don't want you to talk. I want you to listen."

Buffy nodded, and he continued speaking. "Smith is asleep. So can you not run out of the room and pretend you need to go see him? I need you to listen to me. You're suffering, princess. Every day I see you suffering and it aches me. There's something wrong, and I've read this book, and I think what's going on is this."

He presented her with a tiny leaflet, possibly one from the doctor's office. It read in bold blue letters, Post-Natal Depression.

"I.. I.." Buffy stared at him in horror. "I'm not. That's crazy."

"I've organized a meeting with a therapist, he's meant to be brilliant." Ethan played with a lock of her hair, a sad smile on his face. "You never laugh for me anymore. You never smile, not even around Smithey."

"I do." She snapped defensively.

"Shhh." He pressed his lips to hers. "Tomorrow we'll go see Dr. James, okay?"

"I don't want to." Buffy hissed.

"William James is supposed to be brilliant, my love." He helped her to her feet. "And he'll help you."

"I don't need help." She whimpered. "I'm not depressed.. I'm not.. you're fucking insane!"

He reached out and whacked her across the face, not too hard, but enough to silence her. "I know you, Elizabeth. There's something wrong with you, and I'm getting you help."

He stormed out of the room, and Buffy sunk down into the mountain of cushions decorating the sofa. She started to cry, heavy rivers of tears, whilst images of her baby and her husband, her heaven and hell, filled her head. She buried her face in the fluffy pink cushion closest to her, and wept.

If there's anything wrong with me, Ethan, it's you.

*

TBC - please review :-)

Chapter 1:

"Go right through, he's waiting." The receptionist smiled at her and Buffy went down the small corridoor to farthest door, gold letters reading, William James.

She clenched her fists. Just go in, tell him to fuck off, and be done with it. You don't need to be here.

She opened the door and peered curiously inside. A blonde man was sitting at a desk, scribbling something down. He glanced up and smiled. "You must be Elizabeth, come in."

"It's Buffy." She said softly, suddenly shy in his presence. He didn't look much older than her, and had a warm smile on his face, marking dimples. "I hate the name Elizabeth. It sounds too posh.. I'm not really a posh person."

"Your husband referred to you as Elizabeth." William nodded for her to sit down.

"I guess he is kind of a posh person." Buffy said uneasily.

"Does that bother you?"

"Should it?" Buffy retorted defensively.

"I don't know." He smiled at her. "Tell me why you're here today."

"You know why. Ethan thinks I have post-natal depression."

"No, I don't want to know what your husband thinks." He removed his glasses and stared at her with interest. "Why are you here? You didn't have to come."

"You don't know Ethan." Buffy muttered.

"Is he a forceful man?" William inquired curiously.

"Oh." Buffy went bright red. "Um.. I didn't mean that in a bad way."

"Sounded like you did, luv." He shrugged. "How long have you been married?"

"Two, three years." Buffy wriggled around, trying to get comfortable. "Why does that matter? Or am I not meant to ask questions?"

"You can ask anything you like." William said quietly, still smiling kindly at her.

"Stop it." Buffy snapped. "You can stop the whole goddamned act."

"There's no act." He replied calmly. "Why would you think that?"

"Because there always is." Buffy glared at him.

"There isn't here." He shrugged, his eyes fixed on her, studying her, taking her in. It made Buffy feel unbelievably naked. "Does your husband put on an act?"

Buffy didn't reply. She knew she was acting childish, but she didn't want to answer any of his questions any more. Every word he spoke infuriated her - it all sounded so fake, so uncaring, so routine. And the fact was, he scared her. He saw right into her, and instantly knew things before she'd even realized them to be true.

"You aren't going to talk?" He said in disbelief.

Buffy shrugged. "What is there to talk about?"

"Your husband. You obviously have issues with him."

"I don't."

"Well, do you believe you're depression has something to do with your child?"

"No. I love Smith." Buffy glared at him. "This session is over, Mr. James."

She was halfway out the door when he took her hand in his and pulled her back. He smiled gently at her. "Come on, Buffy. I can help you."

There was something reassuring in his blue eyes, and Buffy stepped back inside his office. She returned the smile reluctantly and said softly, "Okay."

*

"How was therapy?" Ethan smiled at her as he rocked Smith in his arms.

Better than this hell.

"Fine." She dropped her bag down on the floor and went to get a drink of water.

"Pick that up." He said quietly, something menacing in his tone.

Go to hell.

Buffy glared at him and picked her bag up, then stormed out of the room. She heard him shout after her, but simply went into the bathroom, where she could lock the door and wash the grimey feeling away.

*

"Why did you marry your husband?" Today he wasn't at his desk, instead, Dr. James sat beside her on the couch.

"What's that?" Buffy asked, motioning to the tape-recorder he was holding, it's red light flashing.

"You don't mind, do you? I record your sessions so I can play them back afterwards."

"I never agreed to that." Buffy stood up and glared at him. "That's an invasion of my privacy."

"Your husband agreed to it." William said softly, looking at her with worried eyes. "I thought he'd mention it to you."

"Stop looking at me like that." Buffy snapped and slumped back down onto the couch.

"How was I looking at you?" William asked curiously.

"Like you pity me more than anything else." Buffy sighed angrily and turned away from him. "Why don't we just cut to the chase? I have post-natal depression. I'm twisted. I need your help. So quit messing with me, and help me."

"I thought you said you didn't believe that you had-"

"That doesn't matter!" Buffy felt like clawing his eyes out for all the fury inside her. "Just fix me."

"I can't."

"Then why am I paying to be here?" Buffy stood up, grabbed her bag, and prepared to storm out again.

Again, she reached the door, but his words broke through the air, stilling her. "I don't think your problems lie with your child, Buffy. You said it yourself, you love him. But the way you speak of your husband isn't encouraging. Maybe Ethan is the cause of your depression, and I-"

"Will you stop!" Buffy screamed, slamming the door shut. She glowered at him, her eyes fiery with all the rage contained inside her. "I hate this psycho-babble bullshit you give me! I hate that I pay thousands to be here and you treat me like a child! I don't care how many fucking awards you've gotten, or that you went to Yale, or whatever! I want to talk to you so that we understand each other. I have enough of this at home, where I constantly feel like a stupid unloved, unwanted kid. Yes, my fucking problem is my husband! And I'm pretty sure he knows it, but he wants you to convince me it's Smith's fault! The baby has nothing to do with it! I love my child! How can a baby make me want to kill myself? It's my stupid, fucking husband!"

She reached out and grabbed a vase, throwing it against the wall so the pink crystal shattered. Suddenly aware of what she'd just done, Buffy fell to her knees and started to cry. He must think I'm absolutely insane.

A moment later, she felt strong arms wrap around her and hug her as she wept. She turned around and buried herself in him, her sobs muffled against his chest. "I'm sorry."

"It's alright." William whispered, leading her over to the couch. "Tell me how you want me to treat you, if you don't like me being so professional. We have to make this work, Buffy. I want to help you."

"Talk to me like a friend. I want to think you care about me, and not some stupid textbook definition." Buffy said quietly as he rocked her in his arms. "Ethan took all my friends away."

"Okay." He smiled at her. "We'll be friends."

*

 

Chapter 2:
"Hey, luv. How are you?"

"Good." Buffy said softly, smiling at him as she came into the office.

"Tell me about Smith, luv. How is he?" William smiled back at her.

"Can I call you William?" Buffy asked curiously as she sat down cross-legged on the sofa.

He nodded. "Sure. But, you know, I'm not really a posh person either."

"So what should I call you then?" Buffy smiled at him sweetly.

"My friends call me Spike. And since you're my friend.. But don't tell anyone who comes into this office that, though." He winked at her. "Doesn't sound too professional."

"Not really." Buffy said, laughing. "Okay. Spike. Umm.. Smith is good. He's always awake though, mostly in the early mornings, so I've been up since five."

"Does Ethan get up with you?"

Buffy felt anger coil inside her, remembering that morning's events.

"Ethan.. Smith's crying."

"Go get him, then."

"It's your job too."

"For fuck's sakes Elizabeth, go get the child or I'll give you something to really cry about!"

"Um.. no." She forced a smile at Spike. "He doesn't."

He frowned slightly. "Why not?"

Buffy shrugged. "I don't know."

"Would you say he's a neglectful father?"

She paused. "Um.. occasionally. You know, he doesn't ever help feed or change or soothe him. He leaves all the hard stuff to me."

"I'm not touching that child while he's in that state.. do it yourself, Elizabeth. You gave birth to the damned thing."

"He's horrible." She blurted out. "He reminds me of my own father."

"What was he like, pet?"

"He.." Buffy took a shaky breath, eyes downcast and cheeks burning. "He used to beat me if I didn't do as he said. I had to do chores and all these other things.. and I hated him. But even when he left my mother, I wasn't happy, because I blamed myself."

Spike smiled sympathetically. "Have you seen him lately?"

"Last I heard he'd ruined his business, and become a drug addict and alcoholic." Buffy felt tears sting her eyes and she couldn't hold them back. "It's my fault. I wished that upon him. I wished he'd die miserable and he is."

"It's not your fault. This stuff just happens." He took her hand and held it gently as she cried.

"I'm sorry, you must think I'm a total nutcase." Buffy giggled through her tears. "God.. it feels so good to talk about this, though."

"You don't ever talk to Ethan about your problems?"

"Ethan.. I think we need to talk about this."

"About what?"

"Our marriage. It doesn't seem to be working.... Ethan? Look, honey.."

"SHUTUP! You're my wife, you do as I say. There are no issues here, so you just shut the fuck up!"

"I've tried." Buffy admitted, a sad note in her voice.

"How have you approached it?" Spike asked curiously.

"I've just mentioned I'd like to talk to him about some stuff.."

"And how does he respond?" He could already sense it wasn't good. Buffy was on the verge of tear again, her entire body shaking violently as she struggled to compose an answer.

"Let's just say.. he's never happy." She put her head in her hands and sighed.

Spike took her hand again. "Can I ask you something?"

She smiled up at him. "You have been for the past half hour."

"Something more personal." Spike shrugged. "I just think.. it might be the case."

"What might be the case?"

He took a deep breath, "Has he ever hit you? Abused you in any way?"

Buffy looked at him with fear in her green eyes. "Umm.. I have to go."

He grabbed the sleeve of her shirt as she got up. "Buffy-"

"Please." She blinked back tears. "Just let me go."

*

"Ethan..." Buffy turned and went back over to the bed, Smith in her arms. "Please, you have to help me."

"I have a big day tomorrow, Elizabeth."

"Smith won't stop crying." Buffy said pleadingly, thrusting the wailing child at him.

Ethan bolted upright, shocked by the volume of the baby's sobs. He glared at her and hissed, "Get him away from me."

"Ethey-"

"Tend to him yourself!" Ethan barked.

"I really don't feel well." Buffy whimpered.

He reached out to slap her but she jumped back, and in a wobbly voice, said, "Fine."

*

Buffy staggered into Spike's office the next morning, feeling intensely ill, and unbelievably helpless. As she fell to the floor Ethan's sharp voice rang in her ears.

"You're not sick, Elizabeth! Now get moving! Or don't you want to be better?"

Her vision was swimming, and she barely noticed him running towards her, his receptionist not far behind.

"Buffy.. luv.. what's wrong?"

"It's only 8:30." A soft female voice said. "You don't have her til ten. But she doesn't look well."

Buffy blinked several times and stared up at Spike. "Oh..."

"What's wrong?" He gathered her up off the ground.

"I feel really sick." She mumbled.

"Okay." He swept her up into his arms and carried her into the office, calling back, "Tara, get her a blanket and some tea."

Buffy felt her head hit a cushion and she tried to compose herself. "I'm sorry.."

"It's alright." Spike brushed her hair away from her face, dampened with sweat, and stared down at her worriedly. "What happened?"

"I just.. Ethan.. I felt so.." Buffy took a deep breath and sat up. "I felt really sick, and Ethan wouldn't help, and the only person who I could think of to help me was you."

"Here's her tea, and a blanket." A blonde woman came into the office and handed a mug to Buffy. "Is she alright?"

"She will be." Spike said softly. "Look.. have the tea, and get some rest, luv. You can sleep for as long as you like."

"But what about my appointment?" Buffy asked sleepily as he eased her down onto the couch and spread the blanket over her.

"I'll wake you up at ten and see if you want to talk? Okay?" Spike touched her face gently and Buffy smiled, snuggling down into the blanket's warmth.

*

What kind of man treats a woman that way, let alone his wife? Spike wondered as he watched Buffy sleep, her chest rising and falling with an entrancing grace. He hits her. He neglects their child, and ruins their marriage. He ignores her when she's ill. He convinces her that she's done something wrong, when it's always him.

He felt anger boil inside him and took a deep breath. It was five past ten, and he wanted to wake Buffy to ask her every single question littering his mind, but she looked so peaceful sleeping.

Any man would kill to have a beautiful girl like that. Any man would kill to just take her and love her and make all the pain disappear.

"Spike?" Buffy was sitting up and smiling sleepily at him. "It's past ten.. I thought you were gonna wake me up."

"Sure. Sorry." He blinked and grabbed the tape recorder. "So.. you want to talk?"

"Yeah." Buffy patted the space beside her on the couch. "Want to come keep me company?"

"Sure."

He went and did so, and she snuggled up beside him, whispering, "Thanks," in his ear.

I'd kill to take her and love her and make all the pain disappear. Spike swallowed hard, suddenly realizing he was trembling now, just from having her so close to him.

And as hard as he tried to shake the sudden feelings away, they didn't seem willing to go.

*

 

Chapter 3:

"What does Ethan do?" Spike asked, trying to hold her gaze without feeling completely weak.

Buffy smiled, studying him carefully. "Are you okay?"

"Sure." Spike nodded, clearing his throat. It felt like it was closing up more with every minute he spent with her.

"Okay. Um.. Ethan. You mean, what does he do, like.. a job?"

"Yeah."

"He's a partner in a law firm up in LA, but he's hired other people to run it for him. That was after he got a big inheritance after his mother died."

"Do you work?" Spike asked quietly, now completely avoiding looking at her. He simply stared at the blinking red light on the tape recorder, caught up in the bright flashes.

"What's with the boring questions?" Buffy asked, laughing. "I mean, you sound like you'd rather die than be here."

His head snapped up and he stared at her in horror. "That's not true. I just.. have other stuff on my mind."

Like kissing you. Spike swallowed hard. "What do you want to talk about?"

"What's on your mind?" Buffy suggested, suprised at how much concern she felt for him. "You just look really upset about something."

"Why are you with him?" Spike blurted out before he could stop himself. "Why can't you just bloody leave him?"

Buffy shrunk back from him, shocked by his aggressive approach to the question. "Excuse me?"

"Well, he obviously makes you unhappy." Spike said angrily, unable to ignore the thick envy his words were coated in. He wondered in terror if she realized he was jealous, and tried to calm himself down. "I just think you should get out now, Buffy. If he hurts you-"

"That's not your choice. Or mine." Buffy hesitated, then let out a sigh of frustration. "I have tried. Ethan.. he.."

"He can't force you to stay in this marriage." Spike muttered.

Buffy frowned. Is that the thing that's bothering him? That I won't leave Ethan? "Um.. Spike.. are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine." He said quietly.

"Oh, it's past eleven." She grabbed her bag and smiled at him. "I'll see you next week?"

"Maybe tomorrow would be better." Spike bit down on his lip and wished he hadn't said anything.

"Tomorrow?" Buffy paused. "Like.. I should see you every day?"

"Yeah." He smiled at her for the first time that day. "Well, we have a lot to cover.. and I won't charge any more."

*

"How was your day, Elizabeth? Is therapy going well?"

"I have to see Dr. James every day now." Buffy forced a smile at Ethan, slightly suprised he was bothering to ask.

"Depression is serious." He murmered, nuzzling her neck.

Buffy knew exactly what this meant. The only signs of affection he ever showed her were based on purely sexual needs, and she knew within minutes he'd have her on the floor.

It wasn't about them making love as a couple. It was about Ethan getting what he wanted.

*

"Hey." Buffy came into Spike's office the next morning, eyes downcast to hide the red rings circling them. She'd had no sleep, and a night where she simply cried.

"Hey." Spike smiled at her from his place on the couch. "You alright?"

Buffy sat down and nodded. "Just sleepy."

"I'm sorry about yesterday." He said, putting his hand on her knee. "I didn't meant to be such a jerk."

"It's okay." Buffy placed her hand over his and kept it on her knee. There was something comforting in his touch.

"I wanted to try this word association test. I used to use it when I was a marriage counsellor, to see how people viewed certain parts of their relationships."

"Okay." Buffy paused, and after thought, inquired, "Is that like, you say a word, I say what pops into my head?"

"Yeah." He smiled. "You ready?"

"Sure."

Spike cleared his throat and started. "Baby."

"Love." Buffy smiled to herself.

"Husband."

"Commitment." Or hell. But Buffy stuck with her other choice.

"Safety."

"Here." She blushed and gazed at him shyly. "Sorry."

"It's okay." He paused, and read the next word over in his head several times before deciding to say it aloud. "Um.. sex."

"Pain." Buffy slapped her hand over her mouth, suddenly realizing what she'd said. "Um.. I didn't mean that like that. It's not like I get off on pain or anything, it's just.. that's just how it is to me."

"Does Ethan.. get off on pain?" Spike asked, clenching his fists, trying to cool the fury burning inside of him.

"No. He just.. he doesn't think of me." Buffy shrugged. "We do it, like, once every hundred years and it's just about him. He doesn't want me to enjoy it or anything. And afterwards, I feel like it's all I'm good for. I end up getting, like, no sleep and I just cry. That's what I did last night. I cried. Ethan was my first, and he never thinks about how it makes me feel. If he wants something kinky, I have to do it. And sometimes he does get off on my pain. He's inconsiderate, unromantic and.. and.. it's just.. pain."

"I'm sorry." Spike squeezed her hand gently. "I know yesterday my saying this buggered everything up, but you really.. you should leave him."

"I know." She squeezed her eyes shut, horrified at the idea of having to cry again, but tears still escaped her, burning her face. Her eyes stung and her face was tender after hours on end of just crying. "I don't know how."

"Well-"

"No. I know I could divorce him. But I don't want to raise Smith on my own. I don't want to risk handing him over to Ethan. I know it sounds crazy.." Buffy laughed shakily, although she couldn't see any humour, and said, "Being married.. it makes me feel safe. Even if Ethan hits me. Even if he puts me down. Even if he doesn't make me happy. I don't know how to explain it, I just.. feel safe."

"Maybe it's the fact Ethan will always be there. You said that he'd never want you two to divorce, or seperate. Maybe this convinces you he loves you and will stay with you forever."

"But you don't think he really loves me." Buffy said, narrowing her eyes at Spike.

He shook his head. "I'm sorry, luv. But someone who hits you, and forces you to do sexual things against your will, neglects your child-"

"Stop." Buffy sobbed, aching to hear her husband's every misdeed listed off. She held her head in her hands, It makes it so real.

"No." Spike said firmly. "He treats you like shit, and you just put up with it 'to feel safe'? There are hundreds of guys out there who could love you, and treat you right, and make you feel safe. Ethan has no excuse for the way he treats you."

"What other guy would want me?" She cried in exasperation.

I would. God, Buffy, I do. I want you like crazy. Spike took a deep breath. "Any guy. There are millions who would kill for a woman like you."

A knock came at the door and Tara poked her head in. "Um.. Miss Summers? You have a call on Line 1."

"Okay." Spike smiled at Buffy. "Just on the desk over there, pet."

"Okay." She went over to his desk and picked up the phone. "Hello?"

Spike watched as she spoke softly down the phone, the emotions on her face ranging from suprise to anger.

"Fine, love you too!" Buffy slammed the phone down. "Bastard."

"What is it, kitten?"

She slumped down on the couch. "Ethan's got a meeting in LA in the morning, so I have to stay home with Smith. Every day he's breathing down my goddamned neck, bugging me to go here--" She noticed the hurt look on Spike's face and smiled. "I like being here, it's just.. now he's telling me if I go I'm a neglectful mom for leaving Smith at home."

"Bring him here." Spike suggested. "I love kids."

Buffy grinned. "Really?"

"Yeah." He smiled at her. "It'd be great. We can talk a bit about him. Time's up for now, anyway, luv."

"God, you're so good to me." Buffy leaned down and kissed him on the cheek. "Probably because I pay you like a billion dollars to come here."

Spike chuckled softly, his eyes fixed on her as she strutted out the door, two fingers softly touching the spot where her lips had brushed against his cheek.

Bloody hell.

*
 

Chapter 4:

"You're good with him." Buffy said softly, watching as Spike rocked Smith in his arms. She yawned slightly and scowled. "I got no sleep, he was up all night. Do you mind if I lie down?"

"No, go ahead." Spike settled the baby in his arms and smiled at Buffy. "How old is he now?"

"Nearly four months." She sighed. "I wanted to celebrate each of his months with a party, but Ethan said it was stupid."

"I don't think it is." Spike said softly, smiling down at Smith. "He has your eyes, pet."

"Yeah." Buffy yawned sleepily and sat up. "What are we talking about today? Smith?"

"I think it's a good idea, since this is supposedly why you're here." He paused, gently running his hand over Smith's thin blonde curls. "Was your pregnancy with him planned?"

Buffy nodded. "Ethan said we should have a baby, you know, it's a mandatory thing for couples."

"When you were trying.." He hesitated again, unsure whether to go ahead and ask the question.

"Was the sex painful for me?" Buffy guessed. "Yeah. It still wasn't about me then, even though we were conceiving our child."

"Okay, luv, you don't have to answer this if you don't want to." He bit his lip and asked quietly, "What was your first time with Ethan like?"

"Oh." Buffy swallowed hard. "Umm.."

"You don't have to answer." He said quickly, mentally kicking himself.

"No, I mean, I get why you asked it." Buffy sighed, a sad smile playing on her lips. "It was perfect. Our whole relationship was until we got married. He was sweet, and attentive, and lovely. Then after five months, he proposed.. and I guess it went downhill. I wasn't ready, but I said yes, because it felt.. like.. well, an obligation."

"So you've been married two years then?" Spike frowned. "When did the depession start to kick in?"

"It was way before we even started planning for Smith." Buffy put her head in her hands. "I guess it was after the wedding. I'd always wanted a real princessy wedding, but Ethan just wanted.. well.. we got married at City Hall."

"Didn't you suggest a proper wedding?"

Buffy shrugged. "Yeah, but he kept going on about the cost. He'd be the one to have payed for it, because my mom's dead and my father.. well.. yeah."

"Your mother's dead?" Spike looked at her curiously. "You never told me that."

"She died when I was 19, in a car crash." Buffy let out a nervous laugh. "I guess it slipped my mind. You never asked."

Spike passed Smith back to Buffy and sighed, reaching out to gently take her hand in his. "It still hurts you, doesn't it?"

"Of course it does." Tears fell freely down her face and she whispered, "I loved my mom."

After a long pause she sobbed, "I just want to know why I stay with Ethan. He doesn't love me, and I don't love him, but I feel like I have to stay with him. And I feel like if I do stay, he'll be safe, and I'll be safe. I don't get it. I want to know why I am this way.. why being married makes me feel safe, yet absolutely miserable at the same time. I don't fucking get it!"

She fell into Spike's arms and cried, unable to hold back the tears any more. "I hate him. Why am I with him?"

"Maybe it all traces back to your father." Spike said quietly, running his hands through her hair to soothe her. "You said that you feel guilty because you wished his unhappiness upon him, and now he's a total mess. Perhaps you married Ethan because he's a man similar to your father, who you wished you had a proper relationship with. And maybe, Ethan sent you here, hoping he could blame your problems on Smith, so you wouldn't realise he's the problem. But you have, but you're still afraid to leave Ethan because you don't want him to wind up like your dad."

"You're good." Buffy said, in total awe of what he'd just said. "I mean.. how did you.. I don't get how you.. wow."

He smiled, mildly pleased with himself.

A tiny smile playing on her lips, Buffy sunk against the cushions and let out a sigh. "Well, what now?"

"I think you need to confront your issues with your father, luv."

"You mean I should go see him?" Buffy shook her head. "I couldn't ever do that. Not on my own. I'm.. god, you'll think I'm pathetic for saying this, but.."

"You're scared of him?" Spike cut in, and Buffy poked her tongue out at him.

"Show off." She pouted. "You're too clever for your own good."

He grinned. "You're too pretty for your's."

She blushed and asked shyly, "You think I'm pretty?"

Spike nodded and glanced at the clock. "Time's almost up, pet."

"Will you go with me?"

"Will I go with you where?" Spike asked, helping her put her coat back on.

"To see my dad." Buffy turned and smiled hopefully at him. "Please?"

"I'd love to. When do you want to?"

"As soon as possible? Get it all over and done with." Buffy took a deep breath. "Maybe tomorrow?"

"Sounds good, sweetheart." He brought her hand to his lips and kissed it softly. "Bye."

*

I was flirting with my shrink. Buffy buried her head in her hands. Jesus Christ, what the hell is the matter with me? He's probably married. But then again.. he doesn't have a ring.

She bit her lip and clawed at her hair. You do! You do have a ring, because you're married. M-a-r-r-i-e-d. Nothing can happen.

"He's kind of cute, right, Smithey?" She giggled and patted him on his rounded belly. "Well, it takes one to know one, huh?You're the cutest, aren't you?"

I wonder if he likes me. Buffy shrugged down at Smith. "He doesn't, does he? He's a lot better than the likes of me."

Smith gurgled and smiled up at her, stretching his fists up into the air.

"But I don't like him." Buffy said firmly. "It's just.. he's nice. That's all."

But it's not all. Admit it, Summers. You like him. She sighed angrily and flopped down into the armchair next to Smith's crib. "I do."

*
 

Chapter 5:

"Where are you going, Elizabeth?" Ethan grabbed her by the arm as she was about to leave.

"Oh.. therapy. But it's going to be longer today, Sp..Wil.. Um.. Dr. James is going to take me to see my father."

"Your father?" Ethan repeated curiously. "Why your father?"

"He thinks I have issues with him I need to sort through." Buffy kissed Ethan quickly. "I'll be back in the afternoon."

"Your issues aren't with your father, he must be mad. And I'm paying this man!" Ethan shook his head disapprovingly.

"I'm paying him." Buffy snapped. "And you don't know shit about what I'm going through."

"Don't you talk to me like that!" He yelled, snatching her arm and pulling her to him. Smith started to wail and Ethan glared down at the child.

"No, Ethan." She said coldly, glaring at him as she freed herself from his clutches. "Don't you talk to me like that. And don't look at our child like that. And don't you ever try to hurt me, ever again."

*

"Are you sure you're ready for this, pet?" Spike asked as they stopped outside her father's house.

"Gross." Buffy said softly, staring up at the house in horror. It was practically rubble, the bricks crumbling, the glass yellow with age. "I can't believe he lives here."

"Answer me, luv." Spike took her hand in his. "Are you sure you're okay with this?"

She nodded. "If I can stand up to Ethan, I can see my dad. Come on."

"Okay." Spike retrieved Smith out of the backseat and followed Buffy up to the front door as she rang the bell.

"Hold my hand." She whispered and moved closer to him, suddenly terrified of what might happen. "What if he hits me like he used to?"

"He won't." Spike planted a tiny kiss on her temple and they waited for someone to answer the door.

"What if he-"

Her sentence was cut off when the door swung open. Buffy found her mouth drop open slightly at the sight of her father - she barely recognized him for all the weight he'd gained and the dark rings under his eyes. "Buffy?"

"Yeah." She smiled at him, but didn't move an inch.

"What are you doing here?" Hank asked as he ushered them inside.

"I just wanted to see you." Buffy said softly. "How are you?"

"I'm glad to see you." He grinned. "God, chick-pea, it's been years. And who's this?"

Buffy took a deep breath. "This is Smith, my son."

"Wow." Hank smiled at Spike. "Is this his.."

"Father, yeah." Buffy jumped in quickly before anything could be said to the contrary.

"Nice to meet you." Spike said quietly.

"How have you been?" Buffy asked timidly, edging back slightly.

"Okay." He nodded. "I guess you've heard things have kind of deteriorated."

"Yeah." Buffy nodded and reluctantly met his gaze again. "I should have been here. To look after you, to help. I'm sorry, I really am."

"I never looked after you." Hank pointed out sadly. "But look at you - you've done well for yourself."

"What are all the boxes?" Buffy asked curiously, glancing around at her surroundings in horror.

Hank's face fell slightly, the guilt heavy in his eyes. "I'm moving."

"You weren't even going to tell me, were you?" Buffy backed away from her father even more, landing in Spike's arms, and jumped when Smith let out a wail.

"You squished him." Spike whispered awkwardly.

"I think I should go." Buffy said softly. "I just thought you should know.. I hate you for how you treated me. But I never wanted you to end up like this, you're my dad... and I love you. Okay? I hope you're happy.. wherever you go from here."

She kissed him on the cheek and grabbed Spike's arm. "Let's go."

*

"That went well, right?" She smiled anxiously at him. "Sorry about making you my husband. It's just easier."

"It's okay." He placed his hand over her's as they drove up the highway. "He seems.. alright."

"Maybe he's finally grown a heart or a soul or something." Buffy muttered, kicking the floor of the car with her heels. "Unlike Ethan. Spike.."

"Yeah?"

"I think I should leave him." Buffy said timidly, barely believing the words as she spoke them. But somehow they felt enlightening, as though she was once a crushed and crumpled flower, but now she was blossoming, freeing herself of the dirt and mud to grow into something beatiful. "You know he called me ugly once?"

"When?" Spike asked, gripping the steering wheel tighter, rage boiling inside him.

"I'd just had a shower, and I walked from the bathroom to the bedroom without a towel, and Ethan was in bed.. and he actually gagged. He said he couldn't stand to see me like that." Buffy's eyes filled with tears, harsh and hot, but she refused to cry.

"You're not ugly." He said firmly, squeezing her hand. "Do you think seeing your dad helped you? I'm really proud of you, sweetheart." Spike said, glancing at her as they stopped at the lights. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." She said, but started to cry, sobbing painfully with her face buried in her hands.

"What's wrong?" He asked in alarm as they continued driving. "Wait a second okay?"

He pulled over onto the side of the road and pulled her to him. "Talk to me, luv."

"I.. he.. it's just so messed up." Buffy wailed. "And you. You.."

"If I forced you into this.." Spike started anxiously, guilt swelling inside him. "God, luv.. I didn't mean to. I thought it was what you wanted."

"That's not it. You haven't done anything wrong." Buffy reached out and cupped her hands around his face, staring deep into his eyes. "You're wonderful to me. Sometimes I think that.. that.."

"That we should be together." Spike finished, and kissed her.

It was tender and passionate at the same time, with his lips brushing against hers and his hands running through her thick locks of blonde hair. He held her close and started whispering sweet, loving things in her ear, and she found herself breathless and swept away by his every whisper.

It was everything she'd ever dreamt of.

*

 

Chapter 6:

"Is Dr. James ready to see me?" Buffy asked cheerily as she passed Tara.

"Yeah." She nodded and Buffy strutted into his office.

Spike was at his desk, scribbling something down onto a piece of paper. He hadn't noticed she'd come in yet, so Buffy tiptoed up behind him and wrapped her arms around his waist. "Hey, you."

He turned to face her and pried her hands off him. "I've written you a recommendation to see another psychiatrist. Dr. Rosenberg, she specializes in marital issues, I think she can help."

Buffy took the note from him and read it quickly, then glared up at him. "You want me to see someone else?"

"I think it'd be best, Buffy." He sighed and said quietly, "What happened yesterday was wrong. It shouldn't have happened. I shouldn't have continued to see you here when I had these feelings, it was totally unprofessional and stupid."

"But-"

"And it can't happen again." Spike said firmly, and he slumped down in his chair. "I'm sorry that it ever did in the first place."

Buffy glared at him. "But I like you!"

"You'll like Willow as well. We went to college together, she's a great bird. She'll understand your problems just like I did."

"No, you don't get it." Buffy said softly, sliding down onto his knee. "I.. like.. you."

She pressed her lips to his and melted into him, wriggling her way into his lap. "Don't you like me?"

"I do, sweetheart." He ran his hand up the length of her body, caressing the curves of her hips and breasts. Buffy gasped as arousal shot through her and she smashed her lips to his.

"I want you." She whispered, raking her fingers through his hair.

"Did you drive here?" He asked between kisses.

"Yeah."

Spike grabbed a pen from his desk and scrawled an address on her hand. "It's my house. Drive there, I'll wait a little while here and tell Tara I'm not well."

"Sneaky." She smiled and kissed him again, reaching down to stroke his thigh. "I'll see you there in half an hour?"

*

"Are we really going to do this?" Buffy asked breathlessly as she kicked his bedroom door open, bundled in his arms as Spike kissed her neck. "Have an affair?"

He pulled away. "If you're not sure.."

"No, I am." She pushed him down onto the bed and ripped his shirt open. "I want you... to make me scream."

He tossed her onto her back and Buffy cried out as Spike ripped her skirt off, throwing it aside as he licked at her through her panties. He bit down on the red lace and tore the skimpy garment off with his teeth. Buffy moaned as he mounted her body, marking his way with soft kisses all over her body. As he kissed her, their tongues tangling, she could feel his cock had grown and was rubbing against her clit, and she rocked against him softly, sending spasms through her body and his.

He brought his hands back down her back, grabbing hold of her blouse. Spike pulled it up and over her head and threw it away as well. His skillful hands quickly undid her bra, and he slipped that off as well. His eyes never left hers while he gently rubbed her breasts, using his finger tips to flick her nipples. Buffy moaned as he replaced his hands with his tongue, paying the same amazing attention to her. Moisture flooded between her legs and she moved her hips back and forth, rubbing against his erection, with every flick of his tongue, every tweak of his fingers on her rosy nipples.

Buffy reached down and took his cock in her hands, stroking it with pure lust guiding her. Spike groaned and grabbed her hands, pinning them above her head. Buffy moaned, still wriggling her hips so he could rub against her sweet spot, bringing her closer to orgasm by the second. Spike released her hands and grasped her hips, then thrust inside her. Buffy moaned his name as he pounded into her, rocking back and forth to meet his motions.

Buffy's body shook with delight as he brought her closer and closer to climax, and grasped the sheets, desperate for a release. She flicked her tongue against his earlobe and whispered, "I'm close, baby."

"Me too." He hissed, giving one final thrust, to bring them both over the edge, their screams sounding with shattering volume.

Buffy relaxed, snuggling down into the mattress among the tangled bedsheets. "That was amazing."

"You are amazing." He said softly, brushing a lock of hair away from her face. "Looks like we are doing this, then."

"The having of an affair." She kissed him gently, cupping his face in her hands. "It feels good."

"Yeah."

"How long can I stay?"

"Long as you like, pet." He rolled away from her, then pulled her over into his arms.

"I've never come like that before." Buffy whispered shyly as he kissed her neck.

"Neither've I." He smiled against her skin, breathing in her soft scent.

Buffy sat up, stretching like a lazy cat in the sun. "Can I take a shower?"

"Sure, just through that door there."

Buffy kissed him on the cheek and pulled the sheet around her, suddenly embarrassed to be naked before him. She hurried into the bathroom and turned the shower on, stepping under the hot pulse of the water. She picked up a bottle of body lotion and started massaging it into her skin when two hands took hers and Spike pressed his body up against hers, guiding one of her hands between her legs, the other to her breast, applying pressure in both places. "That feel good?"

Buffy gasped and nodded, leaning back to nuzzle his neck. "It does."

*

"Where have you been all day?" Ethan demanded as she returned home, storming towards her with rage roaring fiercely in his pale green eyes.

"Doing stuff." Buffy sighed and dumped her bag on the floor. Doing my hot new lover, more like. "I'm sorry I'm late."

"Elizabeth." He gripped her arm, exctracting a terrified cry from Buffy. "You don't disobey me. I told you I wanted you home by lunch."

"Fuck off." She hissed and wrenched out of his grip. "How dare you?"

He stared at her, shocked by her sudden retaliation. "Excuse me?"

"This isn't working, Ethan, and I want out of it. I want a better life for me and my son. So just go fuck yourself, because I don't love you, and I'm never going to touch you or listen to you or do as you say again. We're done."

She knew she'd gone too far, but didn't think in a million years Ethan would react the way he did. He grabbed her by her throat and slammed her up against the wall, a crack sounding as the plaster split. Buffy started choking, desperate for oxygen as he tightened his grip around her neck. "You little bitch."

Buffy's head was swimming as she found herself still unable to breathe, and she could barely hear him. Ethan took this as a sign of her ignoring him and smashed his fist into her stomach, then released her so she fell to the floor, keeling over, blood spilling from her mouth. She stared up at him, terrified, and whispered desperately, "Please, Ethey."

"Go clean yourself up." He hissed and stormed back into the kitchen.

She'd felt slightly guilty when she'd left Spike's, but now Buffy could only feel pain, and from that, came rage. How dare he treat me like this? With our child in the same room?

She went and scooped Smith out of his crib, gently brushing her hands through his blonde hair. "Love you, honey. It's gonna be okay."

Buffy stumbled upstairs, holding her hand over her mouth so the blood didn't drip anywhere. She didn't care how hard he tried to hurt her, it was only physical pain. Inside, deep within her, the only feelings she had were for Spike. That was real. That was what really mattered.

*

 

Chapter 7:

"I'm going to work. There are issues that need to be sorted. I'll be back by three."

"I have therapy." Buffy said softly.

"Make it for the late afternoon, I'll look after the kid." Ethan muttered, pushing past her so violently her cereal splattered over her bare chest. "Put on some goddamned clothes."

Buffy glanced down at her usual ensemble of a bra and loose sweat pants. She went and glanced in the hall mirror, repulsed by her reflection. Her entire front was dripping with milk and Kelloggs, and the bruises from the night before stretched down her neck in purple patterns.

Gingerly touching the marks which she doubted even painted on makeup would conceal, she whispered, "Spike'll be furious.". Just as her thoughts turned to him, the phone rang, it's shrill tone sounding throughout the house, scaring her. Buffy snatched it up, "Hello?"

"I have appointments til four." Spike's husky accent soothed her slightly and Buffy smiled.

"Can I come to your place then?"

"Of course, pet."

"Spike.." She sighed sadly. Ethan tried to kill me. "I miss you, baby."

"I miss you too, kitten."

She could hear the sad note in his voice and was glad she hadn't come off as desperate. "Can we have lunch or something?"

"I can't take a break today, pet. I'm sorry."

Buffy felt tears fill her eyes and said in a wobbly voice, "Okay."

"Is everything alright, luv?"

No. Ethan attacked me and I'm scared to be alone. I'm scared he'll come back and kill me. Buffy took a deep breath. "I'm fine. Have a nice day."

"Alright, pet."

She hung up and sunk down onto the floor. "I can't live like this."

Smith's wails echoed through the house and she jumped up, running upstairs to see him. Buffy swept the baby up into her arms and hugged him until both of their tears subsided. "I love you, Smitty."

*

"God, it's good to see you." Buffy launched herself into Spike's arms and clung to him, savouring the firm feeling of his body in her arms. "I missed you, baby."

"I missed you too, pet." He scooped her up into his arms, kissing her gently as he carried her upstairs, depositing her on the edge of his bed. "You sounded upset on the phone. What's wrong?"

"Nothing, I just wanted to see you." She pulled him to her and kissed him passionately, undoing his shirt with her free hand, wriggling out of her skirt at the same time. "I thought about you all night."

"You did, eh?" Spike brushed his lips against her ear and whispered, "Did you.."

"I did this." Buffy took his hand and guided it to her pussy, letting his fingers slide under her black lace panties to stroke her heated sex. Spike tore the skimpy thong away and slid two fingers inside her, going to the rythm of Buffy's moans and gasps, stroking his thumb against her clit at the same time. Buffy could barely sit up straight from the overwhelming rush of ecstasy roaring within her, and collapsed against him, biting down into his shoulder as Spike pleasured her. She screamed as an orgasm hit her, clinging onto him as the sensations flowed through her.

"I love how you make me feel." She whispered dreamily, resting her head on his shoulder.

"Mmm." He kissed her softly. "Buffy.."

"Yeah?" She smiled up at him.

"I think I'm in love with you." He said quietly, gazing at her intently.

Buffy snapped back to reality and yanked away from him. "You can't."

"Why not?"

Watching his face crumple almost broke her heart and Buffy took his hand. "It's just soon, that's all. I don't know I feel that way yet."

"I didn't ask you to yet." He scooped her up into his arms. "Come take a bath with me. I have a hot-tub downstairs."

"Really?"

"Right by the pool." He smiled as he carried her down the stairs. "I'll give you the grand tour later, sweetheart."

"This is amazing." Buffy said softly as he placed her down on the ground outside. There was a small, rectangular pool and next to it, a hot tub, sunken into the ground. Spike turned the jets on and took Buffy's hand, guiding her towards him. She unbuckled his belt and slid his pants off, backing him towards the tub. They slid in together and Buffy straddled him, running her hands over his body in a gentle massage. Spike ran his own hands over her, sliding from her hips, to her belly, up to her breasts and neck. Then he stopped.

"What the hell is this?" He stared at the bruises covering her neck.

Buffy flinched, realizing he'd wiped the makeup away. "Um.."

"What did he do?" Spike demanded angrily, gripping her hand. Buffy started to cry, unsure whether it was the pain he was unintentionally causing her, the fear curdling inside her, or the memory of what Ethan had done to her.

"Tell me, sweetheart." He loosened his grip on her hand and cupped her face in his hands. "Tell me what he did."

"He was angry because I came home late." Buffy slid away from Spike and rested against the facing wall. "And I started yelling, and he just.. attacked me. I didn't even see it coming, really."


Moving closer, Spike reached out and touched the purple marks. "Do you think he meant to.."

"No." Buffy said firmly. "He just wanted to scare me. Ethan's all face, really. He'd never really harm me."

"He did, though." Spike gathered her into his arms and held her close. "What did you say to him?"

"I told him I was leaving him and he could go fuck himself." She giggled, burying her face in Spike's shoulder as she laughed. "I almost told him I had someone better to fuck me now."

"Not fucking." Spike whispered. "Making love."

"Yeah." She pushed him against the wall of the tub and pressed her body to his. "Let me make love to you, then."

Planting soft kisses up and down her neck, Spike whispered, "I won't ever let him hurt you again. I promise, kitten. You're safe here with me."

*
 

Chapter 8:

She knew she'd be in trouble, but Buffy didn't care. She slipped in through the front door, trying to stifle giggles as she remembered her night with Spike.

"I want to know where you've been, Elizabeth." Ethan's cold voice ripped the smile right off her face and she stared at him, fighting off feelings of fear.

"I've been out with friends."

He scoffed. "You have no friends."

Buffy shrugged. "Oh well."

"Stop being so insolant!" Ethan roared, standing up, slamming the dining table forward and the chair backwards. It splintered against the wall, but Buffy tried to keep her cool.

"I'm allowed to have a life." She said icily. "And stop acting like you're my father. It scares me."

"I'll show you fear!" He screamed, storming towards her. Buffy reached out and pushed him back, startling him and herself.

Buffy glared at him. "Do you want to know where I've been, Ethan?"

"Yes." He said in a shaky voice, standing up with wobbly legs. "Tell me or I swear.."

"What? You'll strangle me again?" She backed away from him. "Don't touch me."

"Tell me where you were." He hissed.

"I was.. I was.." She'd been waiting for this moment, to just scream at him she'd found someone better, someone who loved her and made her truly happy. She would love to put him in his place for once, and make him feel weak and unloved, like she had for so many years. But now Ethan already looked weak. He was trembling, and tears brimmed in his pale green eyes. Buffy sighed. "I stayed the night at a hotel. I was mad at you, I'm sorry if I upset you."

She kissed him softly. "Is it okay if I go to therapy at 10?"

"I want you to get better." Ethan whispered sadly. "Go."

"Okay." She gently ran her hands through his greying hair and smiled. "I'm going to have a shower."

"Buffy?"

She turned. "Yeah?"

"I'll do anything to help you get better." He said softly, and disappeared into the kitchen.

*

"Hey baby." Buffy fell into Spike's lap and kissed him. "I missed you."

"For the two hours we were apart." He noted, smiling lovingly at her. "Did Ethan.."

"He was mad, at first." Buffy frowned. "It was kind of weird. He started crying. And it wasn't like he was trying to get sympathy, he just.. he cried."

"You didn't tell him, then?"

Buffy shook her head. "He was so sad. I wanted to, I did-"

"Stop." Spike kissed her, holding her face in his hands. "You're too beautiful to be angsting over this."

"But how can I leave him if I haven't even told him-"

She paused as the door clicked open spun around to see Tara frozen in the doorway, staring at them in shock. Blushing bright red, Buffy wriggled out of Spike's lap and landed on the floor clumsily.

"Sorry." Tara squeaked and slammed the door shut.

"Fuck." Spike hissed and helped Buffy up quickly. "Wait here a sec."

He hurried after Tara and found her pacing back and forth in the corridor. She frowned at him. "I hope you realize you're going straight to hell."

"Excuse me?"

"She's your patient. And she's married."

"Not happily." Spike pointed out weakly.

"That-- that's not the point!" Tara cried angrily. "You can't go around like that with patients!"

"Well, it's a little too late for that." Spike said quietly as Buffy came out of his office.

"I'll leave now. Sorry."

"No, don't." Spike grabbed her and pulled her to him. "Tara's just being silly."

Tara crossed her arms and glared at him. "Am I?"

"I'm going." Buffy mumbled and slipped past them as Spike started to argue with Tara.

She got to her car when Spike came racing after her, calling her name. Buffy turned around and faced him reluctantly. "What?"

"Why are you leaving?"

"I don't know." She reached up and ran her hands through his hair, mussing it into curls. "I just.. I can't do the therapy thing and the sex thing."

"It's not like I'm charging you." He reminded her. "We're just talking."

"I know."

"So what's wrong then?" He wrapped his arms around her and placed a soft kiss on her forehead. "Tell me."

"I want to be with you." She whispered sadly. "But Ethan isn't going to let me go easily. I can't tell him.. he'd.. he'd just.. I don't know."

"I told you I wouldn't let him hurt you anymore." Spike started leading her back towards the building. "If he does anything to harm you again, I swear, I'll-"

"There's nothing you can do, though."

"Yeah, there is." Spike ignored Tara as they passed her, but he swore he saw her poke her tongue out at him through the corner of his eye. "I can take him to the police, princess. They'll put him away."

Buffy shrugged. "I guess."

"I love you, alright?" He pulled her close and hugged her. "It's going to be okay."

*

Buffy woke at midnight, bolting upright in bed. Her heart was pounding against her chest, her mouth dry, her body sticky with sweat. Something was wrong. Buffy knew it as soon as she'd woken up. Fear was consuming her in dizzying bouts, but she couldn't figure out exactly what had frightened her.

She glanced around and saw that not only was Ethan not in bed with her, the wardrobe was flung open and things had been taken. Items of hers were strew around the bedroom, lit only by faint moonlight, and the flashing red light of the alarm clock on her nightstand.

He's gone. Buffy wondered whether to laugh or cry. She went to the phone and was about to dial Spike's number, but slammed it down again. She went to pick it up again but instead flopped down on the bed, trembling. Somewhere deep inside her, it hurt. But at the same time she wanted to scream from the rooftops, I'm free. Shaking away the confused feelings, she got and and stumbled into the bathroom. Buffy splashed her face with cold water and sighed, wishing it would soothe her.

It didn't. Her head was still spinning and her stomach was knotting. She knew this feeling. It came every now and again when she knew she was really in trouble with Ethan. And right now, the dread was more powerful than ever before.

Buffy dried her face and went down the hall to Smiths room. Her hand shook as she went to open the door. I never close it. Why is it closed?

"Smitty?" She tiptoed over to the crib, and stared down at him.

The scream rose in her throat and echoed through the house. Buffy stumbled backwards and fell down, clutching at the carpet. There was no noise except for her screams. Smith didn't breathe, he didn't let out his normal mumbly sounds, he didn't move. He was still, lying in a twisted pose among the crumpled bedsheets, imprinted with pictures of smiling teddy bears. Buffy continued to scream, until her throat was hoarse and she wasn't strong enough to go on.

But the screams continued in her mind, echoing in her tortured thoughts, along with the memory of the bruises scattered over her precious son's neck. And she realized why Ethan had left.

I'll do anything to help you get better.

*

 

Chapter 9:

Buffy rocked back and forth on the sofa, huddled in a ball. She'd run out of tears to cry hours ago, so she simply sat there, silent, while police officers and paramedics milled around her. She occasionally caught small words from the jumble of voices - baby, husband, time of death, psychiatrist, signs of struggle..

"Buffy?"

She snapped to attention and found Spike kneeling before her, a panicked expression on his face. "Are you okay, kitten?"

“Why wouldn’t I be?” She smiled.

The room fell silent for a second, and everyone looked at her with worried eyes. Buffy frowned at Spike. “What’s wrong?”

“Princess..” He sat down beside her and gathered her into his arms. “I’m so sorry, pet.”

“For what?” Buffy kissed him softly. “Are you okay? You’re acting fun—“

She froze, eyes trained on a paramedic as he walked past with something wrapped in a blanket, bundled in his arms. My baby.

It all came screaming back, literally. Buffy let out a loud, agonized wail and tore herself out of Spike's embrace. She curled into a tiny ball on the floor and sobbed, shoving anyone who tried to touch her away.

"I'd suggest taking her elsewhere for the night." An officer said gently to Spike. "I can organize mild sedatives if she has trouble resting."

He nodded and picked Buffy up off the floor. She weakened in his arms and didn't resist any longer as he carried her out to his car.

"Would you like me to drive, sir?" A younger officer hurried after him. "You can be there for her then."

Spike nodded and handed the officer his keys. "It's down on Alexander Drive, Number 15."

"It's a nice street." The officer said quietly, watching as Spike helped Buffy into the backseat of the car. "I'll drop by the pharmacy to get the sedatives."

"Alright." Spike planted a tiny kiss on Buffy's shoulder. "Lie down, kitten. Get some rest."

She was shaking all over, clinging to herself, crying silent tears. It seemed she hadn't even heard him. Spike drew her into his arms and held her, caressing her back gently to soothe her.

"Stop it." Buffy said icily and pulled away from him. "It's not helping."

"Okay." He couldn't bear to look at her any more, for it hurt to see her such a mess. Spike turned and gazed out the window as they drove home.

*

Buffy was half-asleep by the time they got home, and Spike was able to get her upstairs and into bed. She snuggled deep down under the covers, almost burying herself. Spike ran his hands over her small frame and kissed her softly. "You'll be alright?"

Buffy nodded, eyes squeezed shut.

"Look at me." He whispered. She did, her green eyes dark, confused, lost. Spike gently touched her face and said quietly, "I love you."

Buffy nodded again and shut her eyes, several tears escaping as she did. He brushed them away and made sure she was properly tucked in, then left her. The officer was still waiting downstairs. "Is she alright?"

"She's resting." He replied in a mutter.

"We'll be in touch, Mr. James."

"Right." Spike opened the door and let the officer out, then slammed it shut and sunk down against it. All he could think about was Smith. Holding Smith. Making funny faces down at Smith. Laughing along with Smith.

And then his thoughts turned to Buffy. The loving smile painted on her perfect face as she'd watched him with Smith. And then the agonized look on her face when she'd seen the paramedics with Smith. Within a split second seeing her like that had broken his heart.

Spike took a deep breath and went upstairs to be with her. It was only 3 in the morning, and he felt as though he could pass out at any given moment. Spike shuddered as he remembered the horrible phone call he'd gotten at 1 am, from the police, with Buffy's frantic screams in the background.

He slid into bed beside her and didn't know whether to hold her or stay back for fear of waking her and scaring her. But he couldn't sleep without her in his arms, and gently pulled her into his embrace. Buffy let out a soft moan and snuggled into him. Spike planted a tiny kiss on her forehead and willed himself to fall asleep.

*

She slept for two days after that, never waking, not even to eat or shower. It was as though she were in a coma, and it terrified Spike. Especially when he woke up to her mumbling in her sleep, pleading with Smith to stop crying. But he still rarely left her side, more afraid of what might happen then.

She woke finally on Wednesday, late in the afternoon. Buffy stretched and sat up, staring blankly at Spike. "Tell me it was just a dream. A bad, awful, dream."

"I'm sorry." He whispered, taking her hand.

"What happened?" She asked in an empty voice, staring into space.

"He was choked to death." Spike replied, caressing her hand gently. "They have Ethan in custody."

"They don't want to ask me anything?" Finally emotion crept into her tone, anger, fierce and hot.

"Why? They have all the proof in the world Ethan did it."

Buffy snatched her hand away. "But I'm the one who hated Smith. Remember? I'm the one with depression."

"You know that had nothing to do with Smith." Spike said, suprising himself with how calm he sounded opposed to how completely messed up he felt.

"No, I don't. How do I know that?" She glared at him. "Maybe you made up all that shit about Ethan and my father and my horrible marriage so you could break it up and seduce me."

"Don't be bloody stupid." Spike snapped. "You know Ethan was the problem, Buffy. He has been for years now, you admitted it. I helped you. Would you rather that it were you dead?"

"Yes." She hissed and turned away from him, hiding beneath the blankets.

He instantly regretted his harsh words and moved closer to her, running his hands over the lump in the sheets where she was. "Buffy, please. I'm trying to help you, luv."

"Go to hell."

Tears stung his eyes and he moved away from her, hurt, unsure what else he could say. "Are you hungry?"

"No."

"You haven't eaten for two days." He pulled her out from under the covers. "Come on. I'll make anything you like."

"Maybe just some toast." She said quietly.

"Okay, c'mon." He helped he out of bed and led her downstairs.

Ten minutes later, Buffy sat silently, eating her toast. She stared into space, unfallen tears brimming in her eyes.

"I might have to go back to work tomorrow, kitten. Is that alright?"

She shrugged. "If you want to."

"I don't. I want to be here with you." He sighed, realizing his words barely got through to her, let alone meant anything. "My patients.. they need me too."

"I don't 'need' you." Buffy said icily.

Spike remained silent, but he felt several tears fall down his face and put his head in his hands. "Princess... please."

She let out a furious scream and hurled her plate across the room. It smashed against the wall, china and toast flying everywhere. She glared at Spike. "I want to die. I wish I could. It would all just stop hurting then."

"Buffy-"

"This is over." Buffy pushed him back when he tried to touch her. "I don't want anything to do with you anymore."

"I don't need anyone." She hissed and stood up. "I don't need you at all! I hate you! You told me everything would be okay! It isn't! And don't you fucking dare tell me it will be. My baby is dead. For fuck's sakes, I feel like I'm dead!"

Saying the words made them all the more real, and her anger was replaced with an agonizing feeling of total misery. Buffy fell to her knees and cried, for her wasted years with Ethan, for her lost child, for her lost soul. She cried, because she'd pushed the man who loved her away. This was the man who'd helped her, and healed her, and had total faith in her. She'd abused him, while the harsh words were really aimed at Ethan.

You'll lose him. You lose everyone. Your family, your baby, your husband.. you were made to have your heart broken, Elizabeth. Buffy started to cry even harder, realizing she'd never even had faith in herself. Ethan had forced so much self-hatred on her with his years of abuse she felt as though she were drowning. Distantly, she felt Spike wrap his arms around her and she didn't resist. She threw herself into his embrace and refused to let go.

*

 

Chapter 10:

Her sobs finally came to a halt three hours later. Buffy pulled away from Spike and stared at him, guilt shadowing her green eyes. "I'm sorry.. you probably didn't want me all weepy on you."

"It's alright, pet." He brung her close to him again and pressed his lips to her forehead. "I know it's hard."

"I miss him." Buffy whispered.

"I miss him too." Spike admitted, remembering how it felt to hold the boy in his arms, as though he were his. "Luv.. you look tired. Why don't we go upstairs and get some rest?"

"I meant what I said." Buffy said softly and freed herself from his embrace. She stared at him with eyes as wide as saucers, filled with tears. "I can't be with you right now. I'm sorry."

Spike found himself completely numb with shock. He finally realized she was waiting for him to speak and said quietly, "Alright. I'll.. I'll.."

Buffy hung her head and took a deep breath, willing the tears building up inside of her to stop. She couldn't cry anymore, she just couldn't - her face was swollen, her throat was raw, and her heart was just in agony, as though it had been broken, but was now pinned back together by thousands of shards of glass.

"I'll make up the other bedroom for you." He said and disappeared upstairs.

Buffy dropped down on the sofa and started to cry again.

*

"Buffy?" Spike shook her awake gently. Buffy stared up at him sleepily, her eyes rimmed with red from crying the whole night away. "I have to go to work, pet. I should be back by 3."

"Okay." She leaned up and kissed him on the cheek. "Have a nice day."

"You call me if you need anything." He smiled down at her. "I fixed you up a nice bath, okay? Go and relax."

She nodded and crawled out of bed, listening intently as he left, his feet echoing on the stairs, the door slamming behind him. Buffy rubbed her tender eyes and yawned. She new Spike had hardly slept as well, for he not only had rings under his eyes, but she'd heard him pacing all night long. He'd stopped occasionally, and then she'd heard him cry.

Buffy started undressing and walked from her bedroom to the bathroom entirely naked. She opened the door and gasped, amazed by what Spike had done. The entire room was lit with candles, and white rose petals were scattered around. Next to the tub was a glass of wine and a small box of chocolates. She smiled and ran her hands through the bubbles that had a strawberry scent to them, and slipped into the water. It was relaxing, amazingly so. Buffy sighed happily to herself and let the rest of the world float away.

*

Tara rushed to Spike and hugged him the moment he got into the office. "How are you?"

"Fine." He shrugged her off him. "Who've I got today?"

"Mrs. Clements, Mr. Sands, and Timothy. He should be here soon. His family doctor wants you to brief him by the end of the month."

"Alright." Spike turned back to her and frowned. "Stop it."

"Stop what?"

"Looking at me like that." He scowled. "All pitying."

"Sorry, it's just-"

"Don't." He started for his office. "I don't want to talk about it."

*

Spike returned home at 4, exhausted, half hoping Buffy was asleep so he wouldn't have to deal with another hysterical person on top of the clients he'd been avoiding for the past three days. Spike went upstairs to find her, anxiously following the sounds of her sobs. The louder they got, the more tangled his insides became with worry.

"Buffy?"

She didn't respond, but her crying stopped for a moment, and he knew she'd heard him. Spike checked all the rooms, finally going into the bathroom. "Fuck!"

She was still lying in the tub, the water now ice cold, crying her heart out. Spike grabbed a towel and pulled her out of the bath, wrapping her in it quickly. "Jesus Christ, are you alright?"

"Go away." Buffy mumbled, eyes downcast. She was shuddering from the cold, clinging onto herself, her teeth chattering.

"Fuck." Spike hissed and dragged her back into her room. "You've probably got yourself a bloody cold."

He sat her down on the bed. "Wait here."

He went downstairs and grabbed the bag he'd packed for her with all her clothes. Still cursing under his breath as he went back upstairs into her room, Spike quickly dressed Buffy in her warmest pajamas and rubbed her arms, trying to warm her. Buffy started crying again, buring her face in her hands. Spike went to the wardrobe and grabbed more blankets, then tucked her in properly, making sure she was entirely covered.

"I'm going to call a doctor." He knelt down beside the bed. "Princess?"

She was staring up at the ceiling, tears streaming down her face. Spike brushed his lips against her cheeks in a soft kiss and gently placed his hand on her forehead. He grimaced, and said quietly, "You're burning up something awful, pet."

"I'm sorry." Buffy whispered tearfully, turning onto her side to look at him. "I just.. I don't know why it happened, I just couldn't move, I could barely breathe."

"I shouldn't have left you." He took her cold hands in his and rubbed them. Buffy shivered and moved closer to him, almost falling out of the bed. Spike helped her back in and snuggled up beside her, caressing her with warm hands. "Does that feel good, pet?"

"Yeah." Buffy sighed and let his caress soothe and relax her, eventually letting her fall into a deep, dreamless sleep.

*

 

Chapter 11:

~I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone~

"I think you should start seeing a new psychiatrist." Spike suggested over breakfast the next morning.

Buffy's head snapped up and she stared at him with wide green eyes. "Huh?"

"I could send you to a new one, pet. It might help to have someone to talk to."

"I can talk to you." She said, anger flaring in her tone. "Or are you sick of me?"

"I never said that." He reached across the table and took her hand. "I just think, maybe an impartial person could help you better."

"If I have anything to say, I'm not going to say it to one of your shrink buddies. I'll say it to you." Buffy glared at him. "You said I could trust you, or do you say that to all the patients you get into bed?"

Spike slammed his fork down and stared right back at her, furious. "What the hell is the matter with you?"

"Uh, take a guess! My baby-"

"I know, I know." Spike took a deep breath and put his head in his hands. "I'm trying everything here, sweetheart. I don't know what to do."

"Maybe you should leave me alone." Buffy muttered, stabbing at her eggs with her knife so the yolk splattered everywhere.

"Last time I did that you got yourself sick." He pushed his plate aside, his appetite lost.

"I didn't want to get sick, I wanted to die." Buffy mumbled, mashing the eggs completely. She could feel Spike's eyes boring into her but didn't look up. She barely acknowledged his presence at all. She just sat there, destroying her breakfast slowly.

~These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase..~

His hand covered hers again and caressed it gently, and Buffy reluctantly looked at him, a small, grateful smile on her face. A pang of guilt hit her heart when she saw the tears in his eyes and Buffy got up and walked around to his side of the table, burying herself in Spike's arms. She planted a tiny kiss on his shoulder and whispered, "It's not you."

He smiled and pulled her closer, wiping a speck of egg yolk from her nose. Buffy giggled and nuzzled his neck affectionately, snuggling into his arms.

The phone rang suddenly, startling Buffy. She went and grabbed it quickly. "Hello? William James' house."

"This is Adam from Murray Lion's returning a call."

"Murray Lion's?" Buffy frowned, turning to Spike in confusion. His eyes went wide and he tried to grab the phone off her, but before he could, Adam elaborated.

"The funeral director's."

Buffy thrust the phone at Spike and hissed, "Fuck you."

"I'll have to call you back." Spike said down the phone and hung up, hurrying after Buffy. "Kitten.. listen.."

"Go to hell." She stormed upstairs and into her room.

He followed her and grabbed her, holding her still. "We have to do it sometime, sweetheart."

"I'm not going." She mumbled and threw herself down on the bed, face buried in the pillow.

~When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me..~

"Buffy." He started caressing the small of her back. "It'll help you."

"What? Seeing my baby being thrown underground or into some urn?" Buffy pushed him away, glowering up at him with tears in her eyes. "This is your fault."

He withdrew from her, hurt, and utterly shocked. "How is this my fault?"

She stood up and started screaming, tears pouring down her face, red and blotchy from weeks of doing exactly the same. "You killed him! I know you did! You're the one who broke up my marriage and killed Smith! I hate you!"

"You're hysterical." Spike said calmly. "Sit back down."

"You're the crazy one, it's not me!" Buffy fell back down on the bed and started sobbing, her body heaving with the effort.

Spike went to her nightstand and pulled out the sedatives she'd been prescribed, and handed it to her along with a day-old glass of water, now warm. Buffy didn't protest, she swallowed it and lay down to rest.

But all she could see was Smith, dead and damaged, and Ethan, his laughs echoing in her mind.

~You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me~

*

"The mother.. she's not quite ready to let go yet." Spike took a deep breath and swallowed hard. "Three weeks then. Okay. Jesus, I don't know about that. It's only been a few weeks anyway, how am I meant to pick out the fucking flowers?"

"White and pink daisies." Buffy interrupted softly. Spike turned and saw her in the doorway, leaning against the doorframe. "Smith liked daisies."

Spike smiled and repeated the order to Adam, then hung up. He patted the space on the sofa beside him and smiled. "C'mere."

Buffy came and sat beside him. "I'm sorry for before."

"It hurt." He said quietly.

"I just want to kill him." Buffy whispered angrily. "He hurt me so much, and now he's hurt Smith, and now without even trying, he's hurting us."

"It doesn't have to hurt, Buffy. You can get help."

"I don't want it from some stranger. I like talking to you."

"Okay." Spike said softly, though he wished he could say, "You don't talk to me, you take it out on me."

"You okay?" Buffy frowned up at him, concerned.

"Yeah." He dropped a light kiss on her forehead. "Fine."

~These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase..~

*
 

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