“Hey, don’t write yourself off yet/it’s only in your head you feel left out or looked down on/just try your best/try everything you can/and don’t you worry what they tell themselves when you’re away/hey, you know they’re all the same/you know you’re doing better on your own so don’t buy in/live right now/just be yourself/it doesn’t matter if that’s good enough for someone else/it just takes some time/little girl, you’re in the middle of the ride/everything will be just fine/everything will be all right.” ~ Jimmy Eat World

They hadn’t actually painted the town. Spike promised what he called a “real date” after he’d had a little more time to prepare. Just going to a movie and then for coffee later had been fun though; it gave them a chance to feel one another out again. Buffy realized that with them it could end up being two steps forward and one step back for a long time. Only the fact that Spike was the most persistant person on the planet had kept him in Sunnydale, and she was certainly beginning to appreciate that.

Tonight was the promised “real date,” and Buffy found herself standing outside what looked to be a little hole-in-the-wall along the lines of Willy’s bar. She kept her mouth shut and her face carefully blank as he opened the door for her, even though she could tell by the amused look in his eyes that he was probably reading her mind. The inside of the restaurant was something else altogether, and she turned to face him. “How did you find out about this place?” she asked.

“A little bird told me about it,” he said with a smirk. “William Benton,” he said to the maitre’d waiting to seat them. The place was quietly elegant with old wood floors and panelled walls, and the tables were set with linen cloths and white china, candles glowing in the middle of each. The man led them back to a table in the corner, and Spike pulled Buffy’s chair out for her.

“You know, I could get used to this,” Buffy murmured quietly. “Seriously, though, how did you know about this place? It looks like a hole from the outside.”

“Just goes to show that you can’t judge things from the outside.” He was smiling, but his blue eyes were completely serious.

She met his gaze with her own. “I guess it does.” She might have said more, but they were interrupted by a thin, dark man with a moustache.

“Mr. Spike? I thought it might be you! How good to see you again!” Buffy looked from the small man to Spike in surprise. Spike was actually turning a little pink.

“Nice to be seen, Pierre,” he replied. “You don’t think I could stay away from your cooking for that long, did you?”

“My cooking?” Pierre asked, with a sly look at Buffy. “I do not think it was my food that brought you back to this place. But you must let me cook for you and your friend tonight, no? It is on the house.”

Spike shook his head. “No, I couldn’t—”

“But you can,” Pierre replied firmly. “Our deal still stands. Whatever you did, my customers remain unmolested, and business is good. I still owe you a few meals for such a service.”

He scurried off before Spike could continue to argue with him, and Buffy watched him, amazed. “You have to tell me what that was about,” she insisted.

Spike shrugged, slightly embarrassed. “Well, I heard about the food here and thought I’d see what all the noise was about, right? Anyway, I found out business wasn’t so good because the local vamps would wait for his well-fed customers to exit and then grab dessert for themselves. So, I offered him a deal. I got fed with a good meal twice a month, and his customers don’t get eaten. Didn’t take more than a word on the street and a few piles of dust to make my point. Thought about bringing you here sometime, but it didn’t work out.”

“How long ago was this?” she asked.

“Not long after you came back,” he replied, hesitation in his voice. “Found myself a bit more at loose ends and wanted something to do. And it’s some of the best food I’ve ever had.”

He wasn’t lying. The food was incredible. No one she’d dated had ever done something like this for her. She and Angel had mostly snuck around and slayed, and Riley had been more of a picnic in the park kind of guy. But Spike seemed intent upon wooing her, and she was willing to let him.

They talked about mundane things, like the beginning of school the next week, and Dawn and her friends, and all the other little things that made up everyday life as they worked their way through the various courses. Afterwards, Buffy feeling full and sleepy, they walked back towards her house by way of a few cemeteries to make sure there weren’t any fledglings begging to be staked. “And for the second dessert, a little after dinner slayage,” Buffy said facetiously. “Is that anything like after-dinner mints?”

Spike pretended to give it serious consideration. “Don’t think so, luv. Can’t put this in those little bowls, unless you count vamp dust.”

“I’m not sure you could market that,” she replied. “Let’s sit. I’m too full to walk.”

Obligingly, he waited until she’d sat down on the grass, her back against one of the tombstones before sprawling down beside her. They sat in comfortable silence for a while, looking up at the stars. “Spike?”

“Yeah, luv.”

“Tell me about yourself.”

He gave her an amused look. “You already know everything there is to know about me, Buffy.”

“I know a lot about Spike,” she replied. “I don’t know anything about William.”

He snorted. “William was a ponce. Nuff said.”

“I see him in you,” she said with a smile. Her eyes sparkled as he fixed her with a glare. “And before you accuse me of insulting you, I see things about you now that I never did before. But even before you came back, there were times you’d look at me, and I would never have believed that you were the same Spike who tried to kill me. Or you’d touch me, and I could see something better in you.” She reached over to take his hand. “If any of that was William, then he was worth knowing.”

When had he been able to refuse her anything? He told her slowly, warming up to his story, the real one this time. He’d had a father, a mother, and a sister, and he’d been a student, a son, and a brother. William had been a sorry prat, and there was no way Buffy would have looked twice at him if they’d met as humans. He was beneath her notice in any number of ways, but still he told her the bare, unvarnished truth as some part of him waited for her laughter. It never came.

“What happened to them after you—met Drusilla?” she asked, unable to say it any other way.

“After I got turned?” he asked, amused that she couldn’t actually say it. “Well, my dad and lil’ sis had already passed on at that point. It was just me and mum.” Spike fell silent.

“Go on.”

He looked over at her. “I’m not sure you want to hear this part, pet.”

“I know what Angel did to his family,” Buffy replied steadily. “I doubt you could shock me.”

“It felt so good,” he said quietly. “To be that strong, and to know I’d be young forever, when all I’d ever been was weak. I wanted to share it.”

“You turned her,” Buffy whispered.

“Yeah, and then I killed her,” he replied. “When she rose, she wasn’t my mother anymore. And to see her like that… I never wanted it to be that way. I thought she’d still be my mum.” Spike shook his head to rid himself of the memories. “They would never have let me keep her around anyway. Angelus was mad enough that Dru had sired me; they weren’t looking for another fledgling.”

Buffy could see the pain in his eyes, even after so many years had passed, and she understood. She reached out to where he lay with her free hand and stroked his cheek. “I’m sorry,” she said.

Spike swallowed. He had not expected her sympathy. There were times that he still expected to wake and find that this was all a dream, that he was still in Africa, or in some urban jungle, trying to get back to her, or that he was still a vampire, laying in his crypt, and this was only one long, sad daydream. And Buffy wouldn’t be his, and she would tell him again that she never would be. He was still surprised that she hadn’t just let him go. He’d expected her to let him leave, to let whatever hung between them die of starvation until they were just two people who’d known each other once upon a time. Instead, she sat next to him, looking at him as though she would wipe away every bad memory until all that was left was her. And it would always be her. She was his world.

He pulled her to him gently, giving her plenty of opportunity to refuse, but she met his lips willingly. It was gentle and sweet and demanding and full of hope. It was everything he’d ever wanted and nothing he’d believed he could have. “I love you,” he whispered. And while she said nothing in return, the renewed hunger in her kiss told him everything he needed to know. For now.

~~~~~

“I still don’t see why I can’t get my own car,” Dawn said, a bit of a pout on her lips as she sat in the passenger seat of Spike’s Desoto.

He sighed. They’d been over this at least a half dozen times. Apparently, she thought if she brought it up often enough, he’d just give in. Truth be known, he’d love to buy the Niblet a car, but he and Buffy didn’t have the money. Even with the extra he was bringing in and the money their dad was sending, there wasn’t enough to afford another car, what with the extra insurance and gas and everything else. Not to mention that the Jeep had seen better days, and if new cars were to be had, that one needed to be replaced first. “When you can buy the car and the insurance, you’re welcome to get one, Bit,” he said patiently.

“All my friends have cars,” she pointed out.

Spike pulled up in front of the school and just managed to keep from saying, “And if all your friends jumped into the Hellmouth, would you?” It would only aggravate the situation. Both he and Buffy knew that most of the problem was that the kids she was running with at the moment required a lot when it came to fitting in. Apparently, being popular was hard work, and required copious amounts of spending on clothes, shoes, hair, and the like. Spike had never thought Dawn behind on the times, but she felt she was, and she’d been bugging her sister for more money for clothes, among other things. Buffy, needless to say, was less than thrilled with the situation, especially after that little incident at the Bronze and missing curfew, but there were some things that you just couldn’t control. Even when you were the Slayer and especially when you really wanted someone you knew to have a shot at a normal life.

And, while Buffy did what she could, and Spike would have done anything within his power for Dawn, they were both getting just a little bit tired of hearing, “But all my friends…” Spike had every reason to hope that this was just a stage Dawn was going through, and in time she’d figure herself out, but until then she was going to drive both of them nuts. “Have a good day, Niblet,” was all he said, and he watched as she got out and flounced away. He sighed. Teenagers.

Dawn wasn’t surprised when Janice came to meet her on the steps, but Marcy’s presence, the current self-titled queen of Sunnydale High, was a shocker. “Who was that guy?” the girl demanded, flipping her long, blonde hair expertly.

She hesitated, and then replied truthfully, “That’s Spike. He’s kind of a friend of the family.”

“Well, he’s gorgeous,” Marcy replied, looking in the direction that his car had gone as if she could still see it. Dawn resisted the urge to laugh in her face. Spike wouldn’t have bitten her when he was an evil vampire. As a college grad student, he wouldn’t give her the time of day. She bit back her snide remark, though. If Marcy was actually talking to her, she might have a chance with the popular crowd.

“Yeah, well, he’s really sweet too,” she offered.

Janice looked at her in appreciation. “It’s so cool that he’s living with you.”

Marcy’s dark eyes sharpened. “He’s living with you?”

“Well, he and my sister are going out and he’s helping out with some bills.” Dawn realized that it was slipping. She absolutely hated bringing her sister into the conversation. Everyone seemed to know that there was something strange about her.

“That’s nice,” Marcy said absently, and then sauntered off, leaving Dawn behind. She sighed. This school year was just going to be great.

~~~~~

Being popular took more effort than Dawn had ever thought it would. Clothes, hair, makeup,

everything had to be perfect when you walked out the door, because if it wasn’t you knew that every girl around was going to be picking you apart all day. It was a competition for limited resources, a battle for the goods. There were only a few spaces at the top of the food chain, and Dawn understood the law of supply and demand as well as the next average high school student. The demand for the top space was high, which meant competition was fierce, and the gloves usually came off by second period. She played the game as best she could, and convinced herself that it was just part of life, nothing personal.

At least, it wasn’t personal until Simon asked her for the history notes from the day he’d missed.

Simon was an enigma. His dress was somewhere between punk and preppie, usually with the lastest in jeans or khakis and a t-shirt advertising an underground band. The most distinctive thing about him was his hair: spiky tow blonde with an overlay of blue. He was one of those kids who had a lot of friends, but there weren’t a lot of people who knew him well. A favorite with the teachers, he was a good student and was well-known for his quick wit. Everyone knew that he was one of the best guitar players in Sunnydale, but he didn’t play with anyone regularly, filling in on occasion for any one of the local bands. About the only thing you could say for sure about Simon was that he hated, and was hated by, the popular crowd. They didn’t like one thing about him, from the way he dressed, to his blue hair, to the way he seemed above all the petty jockeying for position, and it was policy not to give him the time of day. Dawn didn’t always follow policy; it seemed to be a family trait.

“Hey, Dawn, do you have notes from yesterday’s class?” he asked as he approached her locker. “I know the test is Friday, but if I could borrow them for a day or so, I’ll make copies and give them back.” He smiled at her as he leaned casually against the locker next to hers.

Dawn smiled back. She liked Simon, and thought he was cute. “Sure, no biggie.” Quickly fishing through her folder, she handed them over. “I probably won’t start studying till tomorrow anyway.”

“Cool, thanks,” he replied, smiling warmly. “I promise you’ll have these back by tomorrow lunch. I’ll see you around.”

Dawn watched as he left and didn’t think anything of it until Marcy approached her later in the day. “I heard you were talking to Simon Yeager earlier. Was he actually flirting with you?”

Dawn frowned at her slightly. “No, he was just asking for history notes. Not a big deal.”

Marcy shook her head. “Dawn, you have to learn. There are some people you just don’t talk to if you want to keep your social life. Simon is one of them.”

Dawn’s frown deepened as she started to get angry. “Are you saying you won’t be my friend if I lend someone my history notes?”

“I’m saying that you’ll never be popular if you talk to people like Simon. They’re nobodies, Dawn,” Marcy explained patiently.

Anger blossomed. Buffy had been on her case lately, and maybe for a reason, but still she was tired of people trying to tell her what to do all the time. She might take it from her sister, but there was no way she was going to take it from some high school bitch like Marcy. “So I’m a nobody if I associate with ‘people like that?’ If that’s the case, maybe I don’t want to be somebody at all. I don’t need help picking out my friends.”

Marcy’s eyes glinted, realizing a challenge when she heard it. “And maybe you don’t want to be a part of our crowd anymore.”

“Maybe I don’t,” Dawn replied, drawing herself up to her full height. “In fact, I know I don’t.” And she walked off. It was a good exit, as exits go, but it didn’t mean she wasn’t stuck walking home after getting rides from friends all week.

~~~~~

“Thanks for picking me up, Spike,” she said, sliding into the passenger side. She’d called him at

his office at work, and he’d agreed to pick her up. She didn’t want anyone to see her walking. Her humiliation would definitely be complete.

“Anytime, Bit,” he said. “You know that. What happened? Thought you usually rode with friends.”

“I do,” she said, “but I don’t think anybody was feeling very friend-like today.”

He stayed silent, figuring that if she wanted to talk about it she would after a while. “I kind of told Marcy off today,” she confessed.

“I’m assumin’ no blows were exchanged since we didn’t get a call from the principal,” he said.

She shrugged. “No, but there might as well have been. I pretty much can kiss my social life good-bye.”

“What’d you say that was so bad?”

“There’s this guy, and he said he wanted some notes from me, but he’s someone no one in the popular crowd likes, so she said I couldn’t talk to him. I told her she couldn’t tell me what to do.” Dawn remembered the look on Marcy’s face just before she walked off. There would be payback, of course, but it was almost worth it to see her that shocked.

“Good on you, Bit,” he replied smiling. “That lot’s all the same world over. They try to play top dog and they get taken down. Don’t feel bad about it.”

“I don’t, except that I kind of wanted it, you know? I wanted to be special.” Dawn looked out the window of the car, and Spike reached over to tug on her hair affectionately.

“You are special, Dawn. So tell them to sod off and get over themselves. You’ll feel better.”

Dawn shook her head. She didn’t really believe him, but she’d pretty much already done that, which meant she’d just have to make the best of a bad situation. “Maybe.” But maybe not, that little voice inside her head told her. Maybe she’d end up being on the outside all through high school, only without her own band of Scoobies for support. Maybe she’d end up alone.

~~~~~

The beginning of Spike’s school year was a bit less traumatic. Buffy had insisted on taking him shopping the Monday night before his first class. He had to admit that it was kind of fun. Surprisingly enough, to him at least, she had fairly decent taste in clothes, and he’d only had to veto one or two of her choices. That next morning had found him dressed in khaki pants and a dark blue button down shirt. “You look good,” Buffy complimented him when he came into the kitchen.

“Thanks, luv,” he replied, running his hands down the front of his shirt. “Not sure I’m ready for this.”

She came over and pulled his head down for a long, breathless kiss. “You’re going to do great, Professor,” she said with a smile.

“If you say so.”

“I do.” Buffy reached up to smooth a stray lock of hair. “You do need a haircut, though. I think that should be next on your list.” He leaned in to kiss her again when he heard a very loud “ahem” behind him.

“I’m going to be late,” Dawn said impatiently.

Spike and Buffy shared a conspiratorial look, and then he kissed her again, a quick peck. “Good luck,” she called after both of them.

He hung onto that moment through the next hour and a half as he got ready for his class. “How are you, William?” Liz asked, popping her head into his closet of an office.

“Just peachy,” he replied, smiling.

“Nervous?” she asked sympathetically.

“Of course not,” he denied. “Why would I be nervous? I’ve faced three Slayers in my lifetime and beat two of them. I’ve saved the world, or at least helped, twice. Teaching a class full of freshman gits shouldn’t scare me at all.”

Liz raised an eyebrow at that. “Of course not. My advice? Don’t let them know you’re scared, and you’ll be fine.” She smiled at him. “Seriously, though, if I didn’t think you could handle this you wouldn’t be here. You’ll do great.”

“Thanks,” he said gratefully. “For everything.”

“You’re very welcome. Give ‘em hell, Professor,” she said, leaving Spike to wonder if she’d been talking to Buffy.

Fifteen minutes later, he was watching students walk into the large lecture hall where he was supposed to be teaching. Much to his surprise, the seats began to fill rapidly. Even more to his surprise, he saw Willow slip in the door and sit down off to the side in the second row. A quick look at the roster showed that she wasn’t signed up for the class, which meant she was there for moral support. While touched, he wasn’t sure he wanted anyone he actually knew there. That way if he screwed this up royally, no one would ever have to find out exact details.

“Welcome to Greek Mythology 101,” he began. “My name is William Benton, Dr. Kearns’ graduate assistant, and I’ll be teaching the class this semester.”

When it was all over, all Spike could feel was immense relief that he’d made it through the class and that no one had asked a question he couldn’t answer. He busied himself picking up his notes and shoving them into his book bag. Buffy had finally convinced him to get one after watching him struggle with a pile of books one morning. She’d teased him by telling him that they could get a manly pack, one that enhanced his “Big Bad” image. It made him smile to think of it. It made him smile to think of her.

“Hey, you did good.” The hand on his arm made him turn to look into Willow’s dark eyes.

“Thanks, Red.” He smiled in appreciation. “It was nice to see a friendly face out there.”

“I thought it might help,” she replied. “I was even mildly fascinated, which is quite a feat for an introductory lecture.”

His smile grew into a smirk. “That right?”

“Yes, but don’t go getting overconfident or I’ll have to come back and ask you something incredibly obscure.” She tugged on his arm. “Come on, let’s go to the Grotto, get a celebratory drink or something.”

Spike smiled and felt a warmth spread through him. It was nice to realize that he was beginning to be friends with others apart from Buffy. He hesitated ever so slightly as he saw Liz in the doorway. “Sure, Red, but d’you mind if Liz comes with us?” As he introduced the two of them, he noticed that they were clicking immediately, and he realized that the two halves of his life were beginning to come together. For the first time in a long time he realized that he had a chance at making a future work, not just with Buffy, but with a career and friends and everything else that made a person tick. And suddenly he was just plain happy.

~~~~~

Dawn had been miserable all morning. Even Janice was ignoring her, and everyone was

whispering behind their hands as she walked down the hallway. They all had heard about what she’d said to Marcy yesterday, and while some of the looks she’d caught were admiring, no one went out of their way to talk to her. In fact, no one talked to her at all. When lunchtime rolled around, she went outside to eat, deciding that her best option was to try to get her homework done so she could hang out with the gang. There was supposed to be a Scooby meeting tonight, though there really wasn’t anything too serious to discuss. It was more a chance to get together and eat pizza. Still, if she had her homework done, Buffy couldn’t bug her about it, and she wouldn’t feel quite so lonely. At least, that was the plan.

“Hey.” Dawn looked up to see Simon standing next to her, history notes in hand. “I wanted to give these back to you. Thanks.”

“You’re welcome,” she replied, taking the notes from him and going back to the text book in front of her.

She knew he was still standing there, and he finally spoke. “I heard what you said to Marcy yesterday. Thanks for that.”

Dawn looked up at him. “I didn’t do it for you,” she said honestly. “I get enough people telling me what to do when I’m at home. I don’t need it at school too.”

He gave her a sympathetic smile, sitting down next to her on the bench, his back to the table. “Your folks giving you a hard time?”

“Not my parents,” she corrected him. “My sister mostly, and it’s just because she worries. It just bugs me sometimes.”

“No parents?” he asked, but before she could reply, he got a stricken look on his face. “Wait, I remember now. Your mom passed away a couple years ago, right? I’m sorry, I didn’t think—”

“It’s okay,” Dawn told him, seeing that he was really apologetic about bringing it up. “Well, it’s not okay, but it is. You know?”

He looked at her. “Yeah, I do.” Simon hesitated and then said, “I always thought you were way too good to be running with that crowd. In fact, I was wondering if you wanted to get together sometime.”

“Like on a date?” Dawn asked. Most guys avoided asking her out, she thought because of her sister. There were enough rumors to chase off a lot of guys.

“Well, maybe like on a practice date,” he suggested. “We’ve got that history test on Friday, and we could study after school or something. And then if everything goes well maybe you’ll go out with me on Saturday night?”

Dawn was charmed. He was sitting there, looking at her with these vulnerable blue eyes. He was cute and smart and suddenly being popular wasn’t nearly as appealing. “I think I could go for that,” she replied.

He grinned, one dimple appearing rakishly in his right cheek. “Great. I’ll meet you at your locker after last period. Keep your chin up,” he said, reaching out and touching her arm in a friendly way, and then disappearing into the crowd of students.

Dawn was just getting her books out of her locker and into her pack when Janice and Marcy showed up at her locker. From the looks they were giving her, she had a feeling that the conversation could get interesting. “You know, Dawn,” Janice began, her voice an odd mixture of condescension and nervousness, “we were a little hard on you yesterday. I thought maybe Marcy was too quick to judge. You have to realize we were only warning you because we’re your friends and we were concerned.”

Dawn really couldn’t believe what she was hearing. If they were really her friends it shouldn’t matter that she loaned her history notes to Simon. Friends were the people who forgave you after you did really horrible things, like trying to destroy the world. And they were the people you forgave when they hurt you. And yet, part of her wanted to let it go, just be one of the group. At just that moment, Simon came up to her locker. “Ready to go, Dawn?” he asked cheerfully.

There are points in life when the decision you make can change everything, and if you’re lucky you recognize those moments and make the right decision. Dawn knew exactly what her choices were, and she knew whatever choice she made would pretty much determine how she spent the rest of her high school years. She could completely blow Simon off, cut him down in front of Marcy and Janice, and she’d be in completely. In fact, if she played her cards right, she might be in the top spot her senior year. Or, she could tell Simon that yes, she was ready to go, and everyone in the school would think they were dating by this time next day. Which would mean her chances of becoming popular were over.

“I told you guys yesterday,” Dawn said quietly and with great dignity. “I don’t need help picking out my friends. And you guys never were my friends. If you were, you wouldn’t have blown me off just for loaning somebody my notes.” She paused and remembered what Spike had told her over the summer. “So you can both just sod off.” Zipping up her pack in one smooth motion, she turned to Simon, who was standing there with a very impressed and very smug look on his face. “Let’s go.”

~~~~~

“So you live with your sister?” Simon asked as Dawn unlocked the door to let herself in.

“Yeah, and Spike,” Dawn replied, leading the way into the kitchen. At his look, she smiled, realizing he had no idea who “Spike” was. “Spike is Buffy’s boyfriend. He was out of the country for a year or so and didn’t have a place to go when he came back, so he stayed with us. And he’s helping out with some bills and stuff.”

“They were going out when he was gone too?” Simon asked, taking a soda from Dawn as she pulled a couple from the fridge.

Dawn pulled a face. “No. It was a really bad breakup, and he left unexpectedly, but they missed each other a lot and decided to try again when he came back.” She rolled her eyes slightly. “It’s sort of complicated. Story of my life.”

He smiled. “I hear you. Must be weird, living with the Slayer anyway.”

Dawn gaped at him. She’d been trying to make everything seem as normal as possible; she’d been trying to gloss over all the weirdness that was her life. And she had been worrying about how not to let on that Buffy was the Slayer when he told her he already knew. “How?”

Simon grinned. “Hey, I’ve been to the Bronze, remember? The Bronze that has real vampires on a regular basis? I’ve even seen your sister in action a couple times while I was playing there. I’ve lived in Sunnydale my whole life, Dawn. Figure you can either turn a blind eye and hope nothing makes you admit the whacked stuff that goes on behind the scenes or see it for what it is. I’ve never been one for lying to myself.”

She sighed and sat down across from him. “What exactly do you know?”

“Just pretty much what I’ve told you. And there were rumors flying around after the old high school got blown.” He shrugged casually. “There’re all kinds of rumors about Buffy, but one of the guys I play with sometimes graduated with her. I’ve heard some of the stories, like about the Mayor and all. I found out who she was by accident when I overheard some guys talking to her in the Bronze last year. They called her the Slayer, and I guessed it was just putting a name to a face.” Simon grinned. “So you can stop dancing around stuff for my sake.”

Dawn looked at him sourly. “It was that obvious, huh?”

“Only to someone who knew you were trying to hide something,” he replied, smiling.

She might have replied to that, but the front door opened and she could hear Spike calling her. “Niblet? You home yet?”

“We’re in the kitchen,” she called back. Turning to Simon, she warned, “He can be kind of scary, but he’s pretty much a softy.”

Just then Spike walked into the kitchen. He didn’t even blink an eye at seeing Simon sitting at the island with Dawn. “What are you two up to?” he asked mildly.

“Spike, this is Simon. We’re studying for a history test we have on Friday.”

He cocked an eyebrow. “Is that right? Well, good on you for not waiting till last minute then. You do know Xander and Willow’ll be over tonight?”

“Um, yeah. Is Xander bringing his date?” Dawn replied.

Spike shook his head. “No, she was up to something else.” He pulled out his wallet and laid two twenty dollar bills down on the counter. “Buffy and I are going to be training this afternoon. You’ll call the pizza place?” When Dawn nodded, he looked at Simon with a lopsided smile. “You’re welcome to eat with us if you like,” he said.

Simon nodded. “Thanks. That sounds good.”

“Good. Best change then.” Spike headed out of the kitchen, calling back over his shoulder. “We’ll have to have a little chat later.”

Simon looked over at her. “I didn’t think he was that scary.”

“We’ll see,” Dawn said, knowing how Spike could be, especially if you didn’t know he was mostly all talk.

They were busy studying a couple hours later when Buffy got home. “Hey, Dawn,” she greeted her sister. “Do you know where Spike is?”

“He’s downstairs. I think he said something about training,” Dawn replied.

Buffy seemed to realize Simon was there for the first time. “Hi. I’m Buffy, Dawn’s sister.”

“Hey,” he replied, standing up to shake her hand. “I’m Simon.”

She smiled at him. “It’s nice to meet you. I should go see how Spike is doing though. Dawn, you’ll call for the pizza in about an hour?”

Dawn rolled her eyes and sighed. “Yeah, I’ve got it.”

“Good,” she said, and then as she was leaving the kitchen, she called back. “Simon, if you want to stay for dinner, you can.”

His face split in a grin. “Thanks.” He shook his head. “Is it always like that around here?”

“Usually.” Dawn made a face, and then grinned. “When they aren’t agreeing about everything, they’re usually fighting.”

There were sounds coming from the basement that might have been a little scary if Simon hadn’t known he was in an unusual household. About fifteen minutes after Dawn called for the pizza both Buffy and Spike came up the stairs, arguing about something. “That was a completely dirty move, Spike,” Buffy protested.

Spike had a smirk on his lips that made him look like a cat who’d just eaten the canary. “You’re only saying that because you didn’t expect it. Next week, you’ll be using that same move and telling everybody you’re the one who came up with it.”

“That is so not true!” Buffy replied heatedly, though when he stopped and looked at her, amusement written all over his features, she backed up a little. “Fine. But you have to teach me.”

“Why else do you think I came up with it except to keep you alive, Slayer?” he asked, smiling, both of them seeming to have forgotten that both Dawn and Simon were in the room.

Dawn cleared her throat loudly, and both Spike and Buffy froze. “You know, I only meant—” Spike began, trying to get around the fact that he’d just called his girlfriend a seemingly very un-girlfriend-like name.

“Actually, it’s okay, guys,” Dawn said quietly. “Simon knows.”

A panicked look crossed both of their faces. “Simon knows what exactly?” Buffy asked.

“Simon knows you’re the Slayer,” Dawn replied. “He overheard somebody calling you that in the Bronze, and I guess he saw you in action a few times.”

When they looked at the boy, he shrugged. “Well, it’s good to know who the players in this town are if you want to keep your neck in one piece,” he said philosophically. “Besides, I’ve played with Rick Farris a couple of times. He was one of Oz’s friends, and I’ve heard some of the stories.”

“Oh. Well, then,” a rather confused Spike managed to say. He hadn’t actually ever met a citizen of Sunnydale who was willing to admit to the strange goings on unless they were explicitly attached to Buffy somehow.

Buffy was equally confused, but a look at Simon’s earnest face convinced her that he was telling the truth. Whatever he knew, he had accepted a long time before, and didn’t seem to think it was remarkable or strange. It simply was. “I suppose that’s done then. I guess that’s one less thing we have to worry about hiding around here.”

“That’s one way to look at it,” Spike said wryly. He looked at Simon again, a little more closely this time. “What else do you know, lad?” he asked.

Spike’s eyes seemed to bore into his soul, and Simon suddenly understood what Dawn had meant about him being scary. He had no doubt that the older man could be quite frightening when he wanted to be, but it was his eyes that unnerved Simon. There was a wealth of understanding and knowledge stored behind those eyes, and he wasn’t sure what he should feel about that. “Not much, to be honest.”

Spike nodded. “Well, I’m sure Dawn will fill you in eventually,” he said, giving her ponytail a friendly tug.

She rolled her eyes at him. “Only if you don’t scare him off,” she replied.

“Now, Bit, you know I wouldn’t do that,” he protested. “Though any guy worth his salt wouldn’t be scared off so easily.” He looked over at Simon, who understood the challenge plainly. Spike looked over at Buffy. “We should really get in the shower, luv. Willow and Xander’ll be here any minute.”

~~~~~

It didn’t take long for Simon to realize that he completely envied Dawn her friends and family. They might not be the most normal bunch in the world, but they were incredibly nice to him, and he could tell immediately that there was a bond between them that was unusual, to say the least. Among friends like that, it might be easy to feel like an outsider, but Willow went out of her way to talk to him after finding out he’d known Oz, at least peripherally, and still had contact with some of his friends. When Spike and Xander weren’t sparring verbally, they both acted like it was completely normal for him to be there. And Buffy was really nice.

Xander and Willow both left around nine, saying that they had work and school the next day. When it was just the four of them, Simon cleared his throat. “Uh, I wanted to ask you guys if I could take Dawn out Saturday night,” he said.

Spike leaned back into the couch, one arm thrown across the back, and a hand resting on Buffy’s shoulder. He looked over at the Slayer to see what she would say. “Where were you guys thinking of going?” she asked mildly.

Simon looked over at Dawn, who decided to fill in the blanks since they’d both talked about what they wanted to do earlier. “We were thinking about going to the Bronze. You know, just hang out.”

Buffy gave her a look that plainly said, ‘Do I look stupid to you?’ Hesitating ever so slightly, she asked, “Do you really think that’s the safest place, Dawnie?”

“Maybe not,” Dawn admitted. She hadn’t been all that thrilled to pass out in public, and really didn’t want a repeat performance. “But where else is there to go in this town?”

“I promise I won’t let anything happen to her,” Simon interjected quickly, meeting both Spike and Buffy’s eyes with a touch of defiance.

“Let her go, Buffy,” Spike said softly. “Can’t protect her all the time.”

She looked over at him, about to argue, but something in his eyes stopped her. “All right, you guys can go. But,” and she gave Dawn a hard stare as she said it, “curfew’s at 11, and if you miss it again, it’s going to be 10 permanently.”

“Thanks, Buffy,” Dawn said. She wasn’t completely happy about the arrangements, since she knew plenty of kids her age that were out all night and their parents didn’t even care. And at the same time, she’d had Buffy ignore her before, and it wasn’t pleasant. Concerned Buffy was definitely an improvement.

“Thanks,” Simon said sincerely. “I should probably get going though.”

Buffy and Spike both watched as Dawn walked Simon to the door and slipped out behind him. “Okay,” Buffy said, turning to Spike. “Spill. You have devious face.”

He shrugged nonchalantly. “I just thought we should probably make sure we spend at least one night a week at the Bronze, making sure it’s safe for the kiddies. Wouldn’t hurt to make that night Saturday night.”

Buffy’s eyebrows went up, and a sly grin spread over her face. “You aren’t seriously thinking about spying on Dawn and her date, are you?”

“Who’s spying?” he asked innocently. “This is patrolling, luv.”

“She’s gonna be pissed,” Buffy murmured, leaning in to kiss him.

“She’ll live,” he replied, kissing her back.

The kiss went on until Dawn came back inside. “Geez,” she commented, heading up the stairs. “Can’t you guys get a room?”

“Wild nights! Wild nights!/Were I with thee,/Wild nights should be/Our luxury!/Futile the winds/To a heart in port,--/Done with the compass,/Done with the chart./Rowing in Eden!/ Ah! the sea!/Might I but moor/To-night in thee!” ~Emily Dickenson

Buffy was reading the assignment for her next class when Spike came in the door, dropping his bag unceremoniously. “Hey, you’re home kinda late tonight,” she commented.

He glanced at her apologetically. “Sorry ‘bout that, luv. Liz and I got caught up in research, and then there were papers to grade.” He stood there, rubbing his eyes, and Buffy swung her legs off the couch to make room for him.

“Come here,” she said imperiously, and while he gave her an amused look, telling her he knew she was bossing him around and he was letting her, he sat. Buffy scooted him around until he lay with his head in her lap, and he closed his eyes in ecstasy as she started to rub his head. “You know, you probably wouldn’t get headaches nearly as much if you got glasses. You’re straining your eyes.”

“Don’t need glasses,” he muttered. “My eyes just get tired sometimes.”

“Besides,” she went on as though she hadn’t heard him. “I think you’d look cute in glasses.”

His eyes opened to look in her face, testing to see whether she was teasing him or not. “Really?” Then his eyes narrowed. “Though I still don’t need glasses.”

Buffy giggled, fully aware that it would only take one or two more suggestions on her part before he got the glasses and saved his eyes. “I’ve been meaning to tell you that I like the haircut,” she murmured, running her fingers through loose curls. It was more the length it had always been, though he wasn’t using as much gel anymore. And it wasn’t bleached. “Are you thinking about bleaching it again?” she asked.

He closed his eyes, giving himself over to her ministrations. “Dunno. Maybe.”

“It’s not a bad look on you,” Buffy allowed, letting him know that she didn’t care. “Maybe you could just get the tips done.” He grunted, not wanting to say anything, just enjoying the feel of her hands on him.

He lay there in her lap, and Buffy couldn’t help but think about how it would feel to kiss him. How it would feel to let him touch her. Their relationship had gotten steadily more physical over the past few weeks, nothing too much, but it had been nice. In a way, with Spike, Buffy was getting to go through all the steps she’d skipped before. His insistance that they take it slow had forced both of them to talk, and if he thought there was an issue they weren’t addressing, he was the first to bring it up. But now Buffy thought they were actually getting close to moving to that next step, and his lips were way too inviting to pass up, and so she kissed him.

As tired as Spike was, he wasn’t so tired that he couldn’t respond to her. In moments, they’d shifted so that she lay on top of him, and their embrace grew more heated. Spike’s shirt was completely undone, and her shirt was halfway off when she stopped him. “Spike, wait.”

“Buffy—”

“Spike, stop.” He literally froze, the look on his face a mixture of disappointment and fear and terrifying guilt.

“Buffy, I didn’t—”

She took his face in her hands. “I only meant that we should probably go upstairs just in case Dawn decides to walk in.”

“Oh,” he seemed to relax, and cocked one eyebrow. “When you put it that way, luv.”

“Besides,” she said, a little smirk crossing her lips. “We should probably do it right this time around.” When he looked puzzled, her smile widened. “We’ve never really tried it in a bed before.”

~~~~~

Buffy lay next to him, watching as he slept. The rising and falling of his chest never ceased to amaze her. She could stay here forever, forget about the rest of the world, everything that came before, everything that might come after. Let it be just them. Spike started twitching slightly, and Buffy reached out one hand to calm him, but he shot upright before she could do anything.

He sat there, his breath coming in great heaves, and she noticed that he’d broken out in a cold sweat. She reached out to him, cupping one cheek with her hand. “Spike, it was just a dream. You’re safe.”

He looked over at her slowly, not quite believing what she said, the dream lingering behind deep-set eyes. “Buffy.”

“That’s me,” she replied quietly. “Was that the one about me being dead again?”

He shook his head and swallowed hard. “No. Same dream I’ve been havin’ for months now.” He slumped back on the bed.

“You want to tell me about it?” she asked.

“No,” he replied hoarsely. “You shouldn’t have to deal with my trash, luv.”

“Hey, this is me, remember?” she said. “You know, the girl who came back from the dead? If I remember correctly, you sat and listened to me when I needed it. And then again, you sat and talked to me when I needed that too. So here’s me. Listen-y Buffy.”

He smiled at that and reached up to brush a lock of hair out of her face. “You’re so beautiful,” he whispered.

“Sweet talk will get you nowhere, mister,” she replied. “So spill.” A pained look crossed his face, and she rubbed his cheekbone with her thumb. “Spike, you don’t have to tell me, but I wish you would. Don’t try and shut me out for my own good. You’ll only end up pissing me off.”

“Wouldn’t want that,” he said with a smirk. “It’s about Dru,” he finally admitted. Buffy said nothing, so he continued. “It’s when she turned me, except that it’s now too, and I don’t want it, but I can’t stop it.”

Buffy caressed his face. “Is there anything I can do?” she asked.

“Don’t think so, luv,” he replied, giving her a sad smile. “Just a part of the baggage, I guess. Though to be fair, you should probably know I haven’t been sleeping much. There’s no sense in both of us losing sleep.”

“If you try going anywhere I’m going to kick your ass, Spike,” she said, though the twinkle in her eye told him she wasn’t actually serious. “Go back to sleep,” she whispered. “No one can hurt you here.”

“I thought I was the one s’posed to be protecting you,” he replied, though he didn’t sound exactly displeased.

She smiled. “I’m the Slayer, remember? I’m the one doing the protecting. Go to sleep,” she said again. “I’ll be right here.”

“You won’t leave?” he asked.

“No,” she replied. “I think you might be stuck with me.” And she realized that what she felt for him, this feeling welling up inside her, was close enough to love as to make no difference at all.

~~~~~

“Uh oh,” Buffy murmured. “Dawn just spotted us, and she doesn’t look pleased.”

Spike shrugged. “If you act like you don’t see her she’ll cool off.” He smiled at her. “Relax, pet. We’re here to do some hunting, right?”

She smiled back. “That was the plan.” Buffy eased back into the silence, happy for it. Not that it wasn’t good talking to Spike, but it was also nice just to sit with him, her senses alive. She remembered when she’d first come back from the dead, before they’d slept with (well, to be honest, screwed) one another. He had come to her then, or she’d gone to him, and they’d just sat, and it was nice. He was the only one she’d ever been able to do that with.

“By the bar, luv,” he said quietly, and she looked over. She could tell he was a vampire immediately, and she glanced back at Spike. “He put something in her drink,” he explained.

Spike had always been observant when it suited him, and Buffy could see the girl sway slightly. The vampire in question put a solicitous hand on her arm and began to lead her out the back way. “I’ll take care of him,” she said, and he nodded.

She got up, weaving her way through the crowd. This was the easy part, the part where everything narrowed to life and death and moments in time. She pulled a stake from where she’d tucked it, cleverly hidden in her waistband. The vampire was in the alley, looking to make a quick snack out of the girl. Buffy didn’t even feel the need to make one of her characteristic quips. One swift move and there was dust everywhere, and the girl slumped to the ground. Before Buffy could even move towards her, Spike was right there, picking her up. “Better check her purse, Slayer,” he said. “We should drive her home.”

Buffy did as he said. It was so interesting, watching him. There were times when he just stepped back and let her take the lead, and yet there were other times when he showed a remarkable amount of initiative. In this case, they drove her home and got her to the door of her house unscathed. Her parents were understandably worried when they told them what had happened, but Spike and Buffy both assured them everything would be fine. They gave the G-rated version; they’d seen her come over woozy at the Bronze and had offered to give her a ride home, which she’d then accepted. Whatever the guy had been using, and had used on Dawn, left fuddled memories around the time of the stuff getting into the system. Buffy shuddered to think of what might have happened if Dawn were truly on her own that night.

They went back to the car and Buffy let him take the keys. “Where to, luv?” he asked, climbing behind the wheel. “Back to the Bronze?”

“So Dawn can hate us forever?” Buffy asked. She reached over and took one of his hands in hers. “Besides, I had something better in mind.”

~~~~~

Spike looked over at the clock beside the bed. “The bit’ll be home anytime now, you know.”

Buffy checked the time and groaned. “Darn it. We should probably at least pretend to have been waiting impatiently.”

“Speak for yourself, luv. The only reason I’m not asleep is because I’ve been worryin’ myself sick over your sis.” He held up one arm to protect himself and laughed as she tried to hit him.

“You are such a pig!” she exclaimed, grabbing a pillow.

“Now, now,” he replied, grabbing his own pillow. “Remember, we agreed to no name calling.”

Buffy just giggled after swatting him a good one across the shoulder, and he growled, tossing his pillow aside and diving directly for her. They tussled on the bed, both of them panting and grinning like idiots. In the end, of course, Buffy ended up on top, her hands holding his wrists above his head. “Say uncle,” she said.

“Don’t think so. I don’t give up that easily,” he replied, grinning.

“Really?” she asked, and then kissed him, long, hard, and deep. “Say uncle.”

A sparkle of mischief lit up his eyes, and he replied, “Aunt.”

Buffy pretended to consider and then kissed him again. “That’ll do.” They were rapidly losing all awareness of everything except for one another until they heard Dawn calling up the stairs.

“Hey, Buffy? Spike? I’m home!” They both groaned then, and Spike crawled out of bed. “I’ll go downstairs, check to make sure everything went well,” he said. “I think I might look a little less mussed than you do, pet.”

Buffy rolled her eyes. “Right, Spike, like Dawn doesn’t know what’s going on at all around here. Doesn’t take much to figure it out.” She smiled. “She’ll probably want to tell us all about it anyway. Give me a few minutes, and I’ll be down.”

Spike paused in the doorway and looked over at her. “Have I ever told you how much I love you, Buffy?”

She met his eyes, finally able to accept his words at face value, understanding the reality and the depth of it all. “Only about once a week.” She wanted to say it, but she couldn’t, and he seemed to understand, because all he did was smile and leave the room, pulling a shirt over his head as he went.

“I think I might love you,” she whispered to the air when he’d gone. One of these days she’d actually say it to his face.

~~~~~

“Well, you look like you took the brunt of it,” Liz commented wryly as Spike walked into her office.

He raised a scarred eyebrow and fingered the bruise that formed along his jawline. “Yeah, ran into a door, if you can believe that.”

Liz gave him a look of patent disbelief. “Actually, no I can’t. I take it you’re helping Buffy in her quest to save the world.”

Spike gave her a hard look. “I look after my girls, Liz. Whatever it takes.”

Her face immediately softened. “I know you do, William,” she replied. “But I must confess that I have selfishly gotten used to having a reliable graduate assistant, and don’t really want to lose him.”

“You won’t lose him,” Spike replied, amused. “I’ve been fighting for longer than you’ve been alive. And I haven’t died yet.” He shot her a cheeky grin. “Well, except for that first time, and I wasn’t fighting.”

“Do you regret it?” Liz asked. “Becoming a vampire, I mean. If you had it to do over, would you change it?”

“Funny,” he replied. “Dawn asked me if I regretted turning human again not long after I got back, and I said I didn’t.” He considered, and then said slowly. “The proper answer would be yes, absolutely, if I could change it, I would. And yet, if I’d never met Drusilla, I’d never have met Buffy either. And I can’t imagine my life without her. So I’d have to say no. I’d be selfish and leave it be, not change the past, no matter how much harm I’ve done.”

“You’ve done good, as well, though,” Liz pointed out.

“Perhaps,” Spike looked up and smiled. “I’ll never be able to undo or atone for what I’ve done, maybe, but I can try to be a good man. That’s not an opportunity I plan on passing up.”

~~~~~

Buffy wandered down the narrow hallway. She’d already checked the small closet Spike called

an office, and was going to check to see if he was with Liz. One of her afternoon classes had been cancelled, and she thought she might surprise him. It would be nice just to be able to eat lunch together; they hadn’t been able to do much of that since school started. Spike was usually in class or working on research, and Buffy’s class load was fairly light. She wasn’t even on campus that much.

She heard his voice as she approached Dr. Kearns’ office, and he sounded frustrated. “The only other example of that sort of ritual is in the Protocols of Osiris, and it’s a good thing they’ve all been destroyed, if you ask me. They’re too bloody dangerous.”

“This particular ritual has no record of being done successfully,” a female voice reminded him. “A case like this is absolutely incredible.”

“That’s the problem,” Spike grumbled. “It might be incredible, but that’s all these amateurs think about. They don’t want to know anything about the consequences.”

“Exactly,” Liz replied, a note of triumph in her voice. “Which means if we can educate the amateurs on the consequences of their actions, we may have a chance to prevent something like this happening in the future.”

Buffy wasn’t sure what they were talking about, but something about their words sounded hauntingly familiar. Hesitating slightly, she knocked on the door. Hearing a cheery, “Come in,” she opened it and entered.

“Buffy,” Spike said with a smile, standing to greet her.

“Hey,” she replied. “I thought I might find you here.” She came up to him, letting him take her hand.

He grinned at her. “Buffy, this is my boss, Liz. Liz, this is Buffy.”

“Ah, yes, the Slayer,” Liz said, standing to shake her hand. “It’s wonderful to finally meet you. William has told me so much.”

Buffy smiled a little. “Some of it good, I hope.”

Liz smiled wryly. “When he’s not talking about how wonderful you are, he’s usually humming.”

Buffy’s smile grew wider as she saw Spike’s ears turn pink. “Humming? Really? How fascinating.”

Spike gave his mentor a pained look. “Is nothing sacred?”

“Not when you get that lovely pink color in your cheeks, my boy,” she replied. “You should probably take your lunch now, though. No use in letting such a lovely afternoon get away from you.” She squeezed his shoulder fondly. “Don’t take this the wrong way, William, but don’t bother coming back today.”

“Thanks, Liz,” he replied gratefully. A full free afternoon to spend with Buffy was a rarity he was fully prepared to enjoy.

“Don’t mention it,” she replied. “I’d like to have you both for dinner some night. Would you two be interested? Perhaps on Thursday?”

Spike gave Buffy a look that told her he’d be willing but it was up to her. “We’d be happy to come,” Buffy said, the standard response to any offer like that.

“Come about 7,” she said. “William knows where I’m at.”

“I thought you had class today, luv,” Spike said as they left the building and wandered towards the student center to get something to eat.

“It was cancelled,” Buffy explained. “Professor Lane was sick. I thought I’d come find you, and we could hang out.”

He snaked an arm around her waist. “I always knew you were a bloody genius, Buffy.” They got their sandwiches and went outside to eat. When they couldn’t find a table right away, Spike suggested sitting on the grass, which Buffy quickly agreed to. Suddenly, a voice called out. “Hey, Will, come on over here.”

Buffy looked over to see a table populated with several young men about Spike’s age. Well, at least the age he appeared. Spike glanced over at Buffy to see if she minded, and when she shrugged, led her over. “You lot have room?” he asked casually.

“Always have room for the guy who brings a gorgeous girl along,” a blonde, green-eyed man said grinning. “Hi, I’m Kief.”

“Hands off my girl,” Spike said, his tone teasing but serious. “Buffy, Kief’s a grad assistant with the Classics Department as well. That’s Johnson over there,” he pointed to a dark-skinned man, who had an earring in each ear. “He’s in the African studies department. And that loser’s Deke.” Deke was a thin, red-haired young man with freckles. Apparently, “loser” was a term of affection, because he merely waved and gave Buffy a shy hello.

They sat down at the table, and Buffy found herself at somewhat of a loss. In the past, the men she’d dated had, in many ways, been alone. Angel simply hadn’t had any friends, and she’d barely gotten along with Riley’s crew. But these guys seemed friendly enough, and they knew Spike fairly well. Well, in reality they knew Will, but they had no clue who Spike was. Buffy had to remind herself that here, in this world, “Will” was a grad student for a renowned scholar, and was thus accorded a great deal of respect by his peers. Not only that, but he seemed to know exactly what they were talking about, while Buffy was completely lost.

The conversation jumped from world politics to the value of the nature themes in Wordsworth, to the disintegration of American culture. Buffy hadn’t even realized that American culture had anything wrong with it. She was feeling more and more out of place and out of step, even as Spike intelligently debated the value of mass media in popular culture. After about an hour of feeling like a complete idiot, Spike glanced over at her, and seeing that she was uncomfortable, reached under the table to grasp her hand. “Sorry mates,” he said smoothly. “But I’ve been given the afternoon off with strict instructions to spend time with my girlfriend, so if you’ll excuse us…”

Buffy said good-bye and allowed Spike to grab her hand as they walked away. “You okay, pet?” he asked.

“Sure, I’m fine,” she replied.

He rolled his eyes expressively. “Buffy—” he began.

She huffed. “You know, I hate it when you do that.”

“Yeah, every bird hates it when her boyfriend reads her mind,” he smirked. “So spill.”

She turned to look at him. “Spike, I didn’t understand one thing that came out of their mouths. I didn’t even know that Wordsworth had a watchamacallit. And I didn’t know that American culture was in danger of becoming trite and meaningless. And you sat there, and you knew exactly what they were saying, and you had opinions on everything. How am I even supposed to talk to you?”

“Easy, Buffy,” he replied, smiling. “You talk, I listen. Piece of cake.”

“I’m not smart like that, Spike. I never will be.” Buffy looked away. “For a while, I thought I could really do this college thing, and now that I’m back, I don’t know that I can, and I’m wondering if I’m just wasting my time.”

“Hey now,” he said, taking hold of her arm. “Buffy, first of all, they’ve been havin’ the same conversation at universities across the world since the beginning of time. The names change a bit, and maybe the faces, but otherwise it’s all the same. I just happen to remember a bit from my university days. And secondly, don’t you ever think you’re not smart, luv. Seems to me I heard somewhere you scored high on your tests.”

She shook her head. “That was a fluke.”

“Right, luv. Never mind, you are a brainless cheerleader.” He snorted in disgust. “Buffy, you’ve got other things on your mind. Those prats, while nice enough gents, don’t think of anything more than what you just heard ‘em talkin’ about. Well, maybe their next glass of beer or what girl they’re going to take out on a Friday night. In a year or two, they’ll all move on, and nobody will remember them bein’ here, and the world won’t have changed a bit for them havin’ that conversation, or any of the other ones they’ve had in the past. Buffy, you save the world on a bloody regular basis, and you’re raisin’ your lil’ sis, and doin’ a damn good job. Don’t knock yourself for not bein’ a worthless brainiac like those wankers. Wouldn’t love you as much as I do if you were anythin’ other than what you are.”

Buffy smiled at his vehemence. She wasn’t sure how he did it, but he always seemed able to put things in perspective for her. “You’re not just saying that so I feel better?”

“Meant every word, luv,” he replied, the look in his eyes coming close to adoration.

She suddenly smiled. “Let’s go home, Spike. I think I feel the need to do some training.”

~~~~~

Spike stood, trembling, in the kitchen. It used to be that he lived for the night, and now it

terrified him. Or, at least the dreams it brought did. He was bone-weary; it had been at least a week since he’d had a dream-free night, and the loss of sleep was beginning to take its toll. Really, if it wasn’t for the nightmares, his life would pretty much be nearing perfection at this point.

He and Buffy had had a great time with Liz. They had finally had an opportunity to talk about their research into resurrection spells, and Spike thought that Buffy had been relieved to go over her experiences. He didn’t think she’d ever been able to talk about what had happened with a neutral audience, and it was far enough in the past at this point that some of the sting had been taken out. It had been healing for both of them, and it was a relief for Spike that she knew what it was he and Liz had been working on for the past couple months. And she and Liz had really liked each other, which was good.

Dawn was getting on much better in school. She seemed to be enjoying herself, and Simon was a good influence on her. What made him happiest about the relationship was the boy’s nearly constant presence in their house, which made him very easy to keep an eye on. The only thing Spike worried about was Simon himself. His almost constant presence meant that something made it hard for him to go home, and Spike was beginning to like the guy.

Simon’s problems, whatever they might be, were his own though. Spike would do what he could, but he knew from experience that there were some things you couldn’t fix for someone, and their home life was usually one of those. Even so, he and Buffy had let Dawn know that Simon was welcome at any time, and they both seemed to be taking advantage of the offer. Both he and Buffy agreed that it was better that they be at the house than sneaking around. Not that they didn’t trust the two of them, but it made them feel a bit better.

Spike was interrupted from his musings by two slender arms wrapping themselves around his waist. “Hey.”

He placed his hands over hers. “What are you doing up?” he asked. “No point in both of us losing sleep, Buffy.”

“Have I ever told you how much I hate sleeping alone?” she replied.

He smiled. “Sorry, luv. Hated to leave you.” He turned in her arms to look down at her. “Go back to sleep, Buffy. I’ll be fine.”

“You’re exhausted,” she replied. “Come with me.”

He shook his head. “I can’t. I can’t dream again tonight.”

Buffy realized then that he was shaking. “Spike, you can’t keep doing this. You need to sleep. Why don’t you let me talk to Willow? I’m sure she could come up with something to help.”

“Buffy—” he was appalled to realize that his voice was unsteady and tears threatened. She saw it immediately, and pulled him with her to the couch in the living room.

“Shh,” she whispered, pulling him into her arms, and just holding him. “It’s going to be fine, Spike.”

To his own disgust, he found tears running down his cheeks. “Buffy, I’m so tired.”

“I know,” she replied. “Just let it out.”

“I didn’t want you to see this.” It had happened before, in the dark, as he sat alone, on his way back from Africa. He had hidden his weakness well, but now Buffy could see that his soul was still bruised.

“Do you think it matters to me?” she asked, softly. “I see what I’ve always seen. I see a good man trying to do his best. William,” she said, gently forcing him to look at her. “Whatever you’ve done, it doesn’t matter. You’re a good man.”

“But, Buffy, what I’ve done. I see it again—”

She laid her fingers on his lips. “It’s done. That means it’s in the past. I am so proud of you, of what you’ve managed to become. You’re enough for me, just as you are.” She leaned into his silence and kissed him, his lips salty with tears. How long had she loved him? she wondered to herself. Had she loved him before he’d gone? Before he’d helped her save the world? Had this feeling always been there, buried by grief and hurt? What she and Angel had was everything a first love was supposed to be. Romeo and Juliet a’ la Braham Stoker. It had been doomed from the beginning. But this, this wasn’t a five act tragedy, this was one of those I’ll love you forever and a day kind of loves. Let’s grow old and have a half dozen kids together things. She knew it and yet she still couldn’t say it, as though the words would somehow break the spell that surrounded them.

He finally fell asleep there, lying against her on the couch, a frown still furrowing his forehead. Buffy ran her fingers through his hair, trying to smooth out the pain that lingered. She felt easier within herself, now that she’d admitted how she really felt about him. There was a peace that wasn’t there before. Now, she just had to figure out how to say the words.

“Is it enough to love, is it enough to breathe, somebody rip my heart out and leave me here to bleed. Is it enough to die somebody save my life. I’d rather be anything but ordinary please…Let down your defenses, use no common sense, if you look you will see that this world is a beautiful, accident, turbulent, succulent opulent permanent, no way. I wanna taste it, don’t wanna waste it away.” ~Avril Levigne

“Hey, Simon,” Rodney called from their usual spot outside the school. They never ate in the cafeteria if they could help it. As Simon said, school wasn’t a bad thing, but too much of it and it got depressing.

“Hey, Rod,” Simon replied with an easy smile, still hanging onto Dawn’s hand. Dawn had found herself at ease with Simon’s gang in a way she’d never felt around the more popular crowd. They were friendlier, for one thing, and for another, they were completely willing to be themselves. None of them had exactly the same style or the same way of doing things, and it felt good to be with a group that didn’t have a lot of expectations.

“Hey, Dawn,” Melissa said. She was Rodney’s girlfriend, and they both played for the band Ardent Living. In fact, they pretty much were the band. The other guitar player and their drummer were freshmen at UC Sunnydale.

“Hey, Mel. You guys playing again soon?” she asked. She liked their music, and knew that Buffy and Spike did as well.

Melissa glanced over at Simon. “Actually, we wanted to talk to Simon about that. We need you to fill in for Jerry.”

Simon shrugged. “No problem. You know I don’t mind helping out.”

Evan, a heavy-set kid with coke-bottle glasses, laughed. “Dude, you just don’t mind playing that sweet guitar of yours.”

Simon shrugged and looked over at Melissa, who looked over at Rodney. “Si, it’s not just for a gig. Jerry’s getting really serious about this whole med school thing. He says next semester he’s going to really grind it out. Personally, I think he’s just having issues with his dad, but we still need another guitar player, and you’re the best.”

Dawn watched as Simon’s eyes went dark and stormy. “You know how Dick is about me playing,” he hedged. Dawn knew that Simon and his stepdad didn’t get along, and she knew that part of it was that they disagreed on just about everything, but this was the first she’d heard about the music thing. And Simon was really good.

“Just because Dick the Dork doesn’t think there’s any kind of music but opera,” Rodney muttered. “Still, man, could you give it a shot? We don’t have a lot of gigs lined up for next semester, so you could kind of ease him into it. ‘Sides, they hardly know where you are half the time anyway.” He gave Dawn a knowing grin.

“I think you should do it if you want to,” she said quietly.

He hesitated. “It’s not that I don’t want to, I just—” he broke off. “I’ll think about it.” After that the conversation turned to mutual whining about their various parental figures. Dawn listened, but didn’t join in. She felt left out, partly because she didn’t really have any parents, and partly because she was getting along really well with both Spike and Buffy right now. She didn’t have much to complain about.

Melissa commented on that. “You are so lucky, Dawn. Not having your mother breathing down your neck every two minutes because you’re not cleaning your room, or you’re wearing something she thinks looks stupid, or whatever. I mean, it must be so cool, not having to worry about that all the time.”

Dawn hesitated, not wanting to be morbid, and yet not wanting to confess how much she still missed her mom every day, and would give her right arm for a good old motherly guilt trip. “It’s cool,” she finally replied. “Buffy’s great, and Spike’s really nice to have around too.”

Rodney joined in. “Yeah, it’s gotta be great living with your sister and her boyfriend. So much easier than living with my dad. He gets on my case for everything.”

“It’s good,” was all Dawn would say, but after another minute she got up to leave. “I’ve got to go get a couple books for a research project,” she said quietly. “I’ll see you after school, Simon.” She bent down and gave him a quick kiss on the lips.

Simon watched her go and then turned to Melissa and Rodney with something of a grim look on his face. “Now you’ve done it,” he said.

“What?” They both looked completely innocent, but Evan shook his head. He’d understood, even if they hadn’t. He lived with his grandparents and knew what it was like to miss family.

Simon shook his head. “Dawn’s mom died a couple years ago, and her sister really struggled just to make ends meet. So it’s better now, but she’d probably do just about anything in order to have her mom or dad around for her.”

They looked stricken, both remembering and feeling remorse. “You think she’s okay?” Melissa asked.

He nodded. “She’s alright, but she doesn’t get the parents are a drag thing, you know?” he said. “She’d be happy just to have parents.”

~~~~~

Later that day, he strolled next to her as they walked toward her house on Revello Drive. “So what are you guys doing for Thanksgiving?” he asked.

She smiled at him. “I think Buffy’s going to try to make a big dinner again. She did a few years ago when Mom and I were out of town, and I hear it turned out pretty well.”

“Sounds like fun. What about Christmas?”

“Well, probably more of the same,” she answered. “We all kind of do what we can. Holidays and birthdays have a tendency to get kind of crazy around our house. Or depressing, depending on whether it’s Buffy’s birthday or mine. What about you?”

He shrugged. “We’ll go to my grandma’s house for Thanksgiving. She lives in Seattle. And I think I’ll pretty much be on my own for Christmas. Mom and Dick are going to his family’s house, and I don’t get along so well with them.”

Dawn stared at him. She knew things at his house weren’t great, but she couldn’t imagine being on her own for Christmas. “Why don’t you spend some time with us?” she suggested. “I know Buffy and Spike wouldn’t mind. And you know everyone who’d be there, except maybe for Giles if he manages to make it.”

He shook his head. “Maybe. That would probably be better than being depressed by myself anyway.” Simon looked at her, deep blue eyes serious. “What about you? Are you okay?”

“You mean that thing at lunch today,” she stated. They’d reached the house and had gone into the kitchen to start their homework. “Yeah, I just hear people talk like that and I want to shake them. They have no idea how good they have it.”

“I know,” he replied. “Melissa and Rod both felt bad about that. It’s hard to remember that parents are good things when you have them sometimes.”

Dawn smiled. “I think Buffy remembers how that is, but things were really good between Mom and I before she died. I mean, we were still pretty close, and I was the baby.” Dawn looked over at him. “Simon, are things really okay with you? I know you and Dick haven’t been getting along, but it’s okay right?”

He shrugged. “It’s okay. Not great, but okay. It really helps to be able to get out of there as much as possible. And being around your house is great. Like going on a vacation or something.”

Dawn laughed. “Then you’ve never been on a real vacation,” she replied. “I just wish things were normal, you know?” she said wistfully.

Simon gave her a smirk. “Normal’s a place in Illinois.”

She stared at him like he’d just gone insane. “What?”

His smirk changed to a grin, and his blue eyes sparkled with mischief. “There’s a town in Illinois called Normal. I used to say that there wasn’t any such thing, which is still true, but ‘normal’ really does exist.”

Dawn raised an eyebrow. “Okay, so there’s a town called Normal, but what do you mean about normal not being real?”

“It’s all in your head,” he replied earnestly. “The thing is, normal’s kind of on a continuum. On the one side, you’ve got people like Mrs. Smith, the math teacher. She’s married to a banker, has two kids, a white picket fence and a dog. Her life is about as normal as it gets. On the other end of the continuum, you have people who are completely not normal. Everyone else falls somewhere in the middle.”

Dawn still looked skeptical. “So what you’re saying is that we fall at one end of the continuum.”

He shook his head emphatically. “I’m saying that no one is completely normal or abnormal. They aren’t real, because as soon as you find someone who seems completely normal, you find out something about them you didn’t know before, or they change, or they get bored and run off. Normal isn’t real, Dawn, it’s some fiction people cook up to make you fit into their little box.”

“What about Marcy and Janice and the rest?” she demanded. “They have normal enough lives.”

Simon hesitated. “Maybe. But how do you know that it’s going to stay that way, or that something going on at home isn’t completely weird? And how do you know you wouldn’t be bored out of your skull if things were completely normal?”

She smiled a little bit. “Maybe you’re right,” Dawn confessed. “But I think I’d like to try just a little bit of being normal for a change.”

Simon leaned in to kiss her. “I know,” he whispered. Their kiss was sweet and hopeful, everything a first love should be. “But hey, look at me, normal guy here.”

Dawn grinned back. “No way you’re normal,” she replied. “You’re one of a kind.”

~~~~~

The festivities inside the house were still going full swing when Spike stepped out into the night air. Things had been better for him the last month or so. Buffy had finally convinced him to talk to Willow and she’d immediately concocted some sort of tea that was supposed to aid sleep. Which it certainly did. The nice thing about it was that it didn’t make him sleepy, it just prevented the nightmares he’d nearly become accustomed to.

There were still moments among the Scoobies when he felt as though he needed some space, though, and then he retreated to the back porch. Buffy and Dawn were busy talking to Giles on the phone, and Xander and Anya were engaged in a conversation that would most likely end in bed. Spike would bet his next paycheck on it. They’d both tried it with other people, and had come to the conclusion that they were pretty much it for one another. He thought they might actually get it right this time around.

Simon was sitting on the back steps when Spike came out, leaning back and looking at the sky, apparently lost in thought. “Mind if I join you, Blue Boy?” Spike asked.

“Sure. It’s your porch,” he replied, smiling at the older man. What would have been an insult from anyone else was a term of endearment coming from the ex-vampire. Dawn had explained Spike’s habit of nicknaming people soon after he’d started calling Simon “Blue Boy,” and had assured him it was affectionate. At this point in his relationship with Spike, Simon could tell for himself.

“You’re the guest,” Spike replied with a smile, but sat down next to him. As soon as he and Buffy had heard that Simon would be on his own for Christmas Eve and Christmas, they invited him to spend the night. With the understanding, of course, that there wouldn’t be any funny business. Spike had made contact with Dick the Dork, as Dawn called him, and had to agree with his Bit. Dick was a prat and any number of other things, but he’d secured permission, and Simon wouldn’t be alone at least.

“Thanks for that,” Simon said. “This is a lot better than being in an empty house.”

“Spent enough lonely Christmases to know what that’s like, lad.” Spike leaned back against the post. “You want to tell me anything about what’s going on at home?”

Simon hesitated. It would be so easy to spill everything, to tell Spike the whole story. Spike was one of those people who looked right into you, that you felt you might be able to say anything to, but secrecy had been a part of his life for a long time now. It wasn’t easy to just end it. “I’m okay,” was all he eventually said.

Spike nodded. He could guess at what went on behind closed doors, but not much more than that, so he let it go. “You know you’re welcome here at any time for any reason, right?”

“Yeah, thanks.” Simon looked up at the stars. “I like being here,” he confessed.

Spike smiled. “So do I,” he replied.

~~~~~

Eventually, Simon followed Spike inside to be greeted by both Buffy and Dawn. “Hey, you

disappeared,” Buffy said softly.

“Got a bit noisy, pet,” he replied softly. He looked over at Dawn who was speaking quietly with Simon, their foreheads almost touching. “They’re good together,” he commented.

Buffy gave him an amused look. “And here I thought when Dawn got her first boyfriend you would be Mr. Over-protective.”

Spike raised an eyebrow. “I spoke with him. He understands what will happen if he steps out of line.” His face gentled. “He’s a good kid, though. Honorable, you know.”

Buffy pulled him out of the kitchen into the living room. Xander and Anya had left, and Willow had taken the bed in Buffy’s old room, since she was spending the holidays with them. “You really like him, don’t you?”

Spike shrugged uncomfortably. “There’s something there, luv. He reminds me of someone, but I can’t quite put my finger on it.”

“You mean, he reminds you of you,” she said, obviously amused at this point.

Spike looked shocked. “He’s not that big of a wanker.”

Buffy laughed out loud. “I didn’t mean that. I only meant he’s really sweet. Kind of like you, when you want to be. That’s not a bad thing, Spike.”

Spike sighed as Buffy leaned in close to him on the couch. It was the best part of being with her now, he thought. Just being able to be near her and hold her, without fear that she was going to run away at any moment. “Maybe that’s it, but he’s been good for Dawn. She’s happier when she’s with him, and that’s enough for me. Though if he hurts her, I’ll kill him.”

“You’ll have to stand in line, sweetheart.”

Spike froze for just a moment. She’d never called him that before; it seemed odd. But nice. Really nice. “So what did you get me for Christmas, pet?”

She rolled her eyes. “I’m not going to tell you, Spike. It’s Christmas Eve. You’ll have to wait till tomorrow just like everyone else.” Buffy hesitated for a second. There was one thing she’d been waiting to give him, and had thought to do it the next day, but now she wasn’t so sure. She thought it might be a little personal, and maybe a little emotional too. “I did have something I wanted to give you tonight, though.”

Spike watched in consternation as she ran up the stairs. He wasn’t sure what she wanted to give him, but he was more than a little concerned. She’d tensed up just before she’d left, and he wasn’t sure what it could be. When she came downstairs a few minutes later, he knew. The coat she held in her arms was a reminder of his past that he wasn’t sure he needed or wanted. “Buffy—” he began, but she interrupted him before he could go further.

“Look, Spike, I know this isn’t really you anymore. I think we both know that. But it’s still yours, and it was a part of you for a long time. I kept it for you, and I thought you should be the one to decide what to do with it.” Buffy held it out to him, and he took it from her, his blue eyes dark with emotion.

Wordlessly, he swung it over his shoulders and slipped his arms into the sleeves, so that he stood strong and steady and dangerous. He looked over at her, and he was his old self again: the cocky vampire who’d tried to kill her, the equally cocky vampire who’d come to help her avert the end of the world. The completely pathetic waste-of-space he’d been after he’d gotten the chip, but before he’d started helping them. The one who took care of her little sister night after night, keeping a promise to a dead woman. The man she’d helped to break.

“Spike—” Dawn’s voice came from the doorway, and he looked over at her, the spell broken.

Simon stood behind her, his eyes wide as he took in the suddenly dangerous figure. “Wow. That is a seriously awesome coat.”

Spike glanced down at it briefly, and shrugged it off. “It is,” he agreed simply. “Think I’ll save this for patrolling, luv,” he said to Buffy, his blue eyes darkening with emotion.

“Good idea,” she agreed in return, watching him as he walked away, a hint of the swagger that had been his trademark back in his step. And she thought they were both finally starting to put all the pieces back together.

~~~~~

Spike glanced up as the knock came on his office door. “Come in,” he called. There weren’t a lot

of students who came in at the beginning of the semester. They usually waited until last minute or after the first paper had been handed back. He really wasn’t too surprised when Willow poked her head in, though. She’d made a habit of popping by every week or so the last semester, just to say hi and maybe chat for a while. It seemed like she was planning on doing the same this semester as well.

“Hey, Spike. I come bearing hot choclatey goodness!” She grinned as she held out one of those disposable to-go cups, which he stood to take from her. “No marshmallows, but whipped cream is almost as good.”

Spike returned her grin in appreciation. “I’d have to agree with you there, Red. What brings you by with the pick-me-up? Not that I mind,” he hastened to assure her.

She smiled. “I understand.” Willow reached into her purse and pulled out a small package. “Buffy called me the other day and said you were out of that tea I made for you. So, I thought I’d drop some by.”

Spike made a face. “Buffy called you?”

Willow rolled her eyes slightly. “Well, she got really tired of waking up in an empty bed, and she said she didn’t want to go through that again. And I don’t want to meet a grumpy Buffy if I don’t have to.”

He smiled reluctantly. “Neither do I. So what else is up?”

Willow smiled nervously. “What makes you think something else is up?”

“You aren’t a good liar, Red. And you really aren’t good at hiding things. So what’s up?” he asked again patiently.

She hesitated, and then began to speak. “I got this scholarship to spend next year at Oxford. It’s an incredible opportunity, and I didn’t think I’d get into the program. But it would mean I could spend some more time with the coven, and that’s something I really want to do too.”

Spike frowned. “I’m not sure I see the problem,” he replied. “If it’s something you want, why not do it?”

“I just feel like I’d be leaving everyone. It was the same way when I was trying to decide where to go to college, and I didn’t want to leave Buffy or Xander.”

Spike felt for her. She was obviously agonizing over her decision a good bit. “Look, Will, this isn’t like it was four years ago. I’m not saying that you all aren’t friends, and you probably always will be, but you’ve each got your own lives. You’re right, this is an incredible opportunity for you, and if you don’t take it, Buffy will probably kick your arse.”

She smiled. “I guess you’re probably right. Do you really think it’s the right thing to do?”

“I think if you want it, it’s the right thing.”

Willow gave him a relieved smile. “Thanks, Spike. I knew I could trust you to give me an honest opinion. I’ve got class, so I have to run, but I’ll catch up with you later.”

“Sure,” he replied, watching her leave, feeling slightly perplexed. He didn’t mind that she’d confided in him, but thought it slightly odd. At the same time, he understood that Buffy’s friends were starting to regard him as someone they could trust and come to, and he felt honored by that.ard.

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