chapter 15

Buffy paced back and forth across the sterile grey waiting room. It felt like they had been here for hours. The waiting room had been half full already when they arrived at the Manchester Royal Infirmary and Spike had had to hold Buffy back to stop her completely losing it in frustration when the receptionist took his details and calmly asked them to take a seat until he was called by the nurse.

Buffy lightened up slightly when his name was called by the tall, blonde woman in the grey uniform. He disappeared into a side room and was back surprisingly quickly, but her mood darkened again as she realised that that was not that. The woman had only been the triage nurse, he had explained. Her job was to assess him and place him in a category, which would determine how long he had to wait. He would have possibly a couple of hours to wait until he saw the doctor.

Spike now sat in a seat nearby, towel still held to his nose to catch the blood that was still trickling from his nose.

“Will you just bloody well sit down - you’re making me dizzy.” He complained, voice muffled by the towel. Buffy stopped pacing and threw herself down into the chair next to him.

“Sorry, it’s just that we’ve been here forever and I… What’s taking them so long?” She craned her neck to look through the doors towards the treatment area.

“Being impatient will not get me seen any quicker, it’ll just piss the staff off luv. Anyway, I told you what the triage nurse said - it’s not bleeding so much anymore, my blood pressure and all are fine and so we can wait. I’m sure that there are people through there who are much worse off than I am” Spike explained gruffly. Buffy stood up and resumed her pacing.

“Yeah, I know all that - you’ve told me before, remember. But when you said she said that we’d have to wait, I didn’t think she meant this long!” He looked up at her as she came to a stop in front of him. He really did look a state - he was hunched into a plastic waiting room chair, elbows resting on his knees, shirt covered in blood from the earlier gushing when she’d hit him. It had started to dry now and she was just glad there hadn’t been any more. He took the towel away from his nose and looked at it.

“Firstly, we’ve only been here about half an hour and, secondly, the bleeding’s stopped. So, please, just sit down will you?”

“Fine,” she sat. “Whatever.” She looked over at him, the dried blood first smeared and now cracking all over his face. She grimaced, “I’m sorry.”

“Look pet, I know that you’re sorry. You haven’t stopped apologising yet. Have to admit - it’s beginning to grate.” He snapped.

“Sorr…” she stopped as she caught the look he flashed her. “Okay, here’s the thing - I’m a little on edge here…”

“You don’t say?” He sneered sarcastically.

“Look, I’m trying to explain here, but if you don’t want to hear it…” she folded her arms across her chest and looked over at him, eyebrow raised.

“No, no,” he sighed. “I want to hear it - go on.”

“No, you really don’t.” A tear appeared at the corner of her eye. Spike noticed and decided that enough was enough.

“Look, if you hate hospitals so much, just go home.” He winced slightly as he heard the words come out of his mouth - he hadn’t meant to sound so harsh. Buffy paled slightly, swallowed the lump in her throat and then her face became blank and emotionless.

“Fine, you don’t want me here? I’ll go.” She stood up and walked towards the exit, not once looking back.

For a second he just sat there and watched her walk away. Then he came to his senses and sprang out of the chair.

“Buffy!” he called as he started to go after her.

“William Giles!” The loud authoritative voice rang out across the waiting room and Spike turned as he heard his name called to see the doctor standing, waiting for him.

Spike quickly indicated his presence and then turned back to where Buffy had been standing, only to be greeted by the sight of the exit doors sliding back into place.

“Bollocks!”

*~*~

Willow lay on her bed, staring at the patterns playing across her ceiling - shadows cast by the streetlight shining through the tree which stood outside her window, its branches swaying in the breeze.

She jumped slightly as she heard the front door slam shut. *That’ll be Buffy then* she thought wryly. She willed herself to bear in mind the conversation she had had with Tara earlier on that evening. Tara had picked up on the fact that Willow was distracted about something and Willow had ended up confessing everything that had been going on with Buffy lately. She told her about the troubles with Riley and the issues with Spike. When she confided in her girlfriend that she was convinced that there was something developing between Buffy and Spike that went beyond mere friendship Tara, who had been listening quietly up to that point, had turned to her and asked “What about Riley?”

Willow had fallen silent for a moment at this and Tara had continued, “Whether the relationship is on the rocks or not, Buffy is still dating Riley. From what you’ve told me she seems confident that they can work things out. You’re her best friend, but are you really thinking about telling her that she should dump the guy she’s been seeing for over a year for a guy she’s hardly spoken to for months? There mightt be something between her and Spike and breaking up with Riley might be a good move, but Buffy has to work these things out for herself - you can’t make these decisions for her sweetie.”

So here was Willow, lying on her bed, available if Buffy needed a friend to talk to. Tara had left that night for that very reason and Willow was sure, from the way the door slammed shut, that Buffy might need someone to, if not talk to, at least someone to rant at. She got up, walked down the hallway and tentatively knocked at Buffy’s door.

“It’s only me. Can I come in?” She poked her head round the door. Buffy sat on the bed, hair a wild mess around her face, hugging Mr Gordo as if he were a lifeline.

“Okay, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess that tonight didn’t go well.” Willow said kindly as she sat down next to Buffy on the bed. Buffy looked at her.

“The phrase ‘unmitigated disaster’ comes to mind.” She said dryly before detailing what had gone on that night, leaving out the bits about thinking Spike looked hot.

“He hates me!” She declared dramatically when she came to the end of her monologue.

“I’m sure he doesn’t.” Willow said gently.

“He does - it’s obvious! He could hardly look at me, let alone talk to me when I was round at his place and then, just to top things off, I went and broke his nose! I’m telling you, the guy hates me.”

“You don’t think you could just be jumping to conclusions? You know, it’s happened with you before…” Willow tried.

“When?”

“Well, there was that time when…”

“Yes, well, we don’t talk about that time, do we? So, I’m prone to misunderstandings. But, I’m telling you, this is not one of them. He hates me, no two ways about it.”

“Do you write me off this quickly when we have a fight?” Willow asked her friend. Buffy looked at her and frowned.

“What do you mean?” She asked, confused.

“What I said - do you write off all your friends this easily?”

“This is different.”

“Why?” Willow pressed.

“Because it is. That’s why.” Buffy said defensively. “Look, it’s late. I’m tired - I’ve had a hell of a day and I’m exhausted from last night. I think I’m just going to go to bed.” Buffy looked at her friend pointedly and Willow sighed and stood, realising that, yet again, her best friend was going to shut her out.

*Let’s just hope that Tara was right and she figures it out for herself.* Willow thought as she climbed into her bed.

Okay, I realise that this is a really short chapter - sorry The good news is that the next couple are already written and I’m just waiting to get them back from Martha - whose is my absolutely fabulous beta! They should be up very soon - promise…

A/N - right, lets get one thing straight. I’m British - that means that the sport is football - not soccer. Bear that in mind. *smile*

Willow and Tara worked around each other in the kitchen with the efficiency and calm of two people used to being around each other, each almost instinctively knowing what the other wanted or where they needed to be without the words being said. Vegetables were chopped and fried, water boiled, rice cooked with no fuss or bother. It was almost peaceful and the ease and intimacy of it gave Willow time to reflect.

It had been a strange few weeks really. The flat hadn’t seemed, well, right somehow. It was all different to how it had been. Oz was never in. *Okay, so maybe that’s not all that different* Willow reflected, but then Xander was hardly ever there either these days - the thing with Anya had really taken off and he was spending more and more time with her. *Which is a good thing* Willow told herself firmly. It was a good thing - when he was around Xander was definitely happier. *And as for Buffy* Willow thought and mentally sighed to herself.

Buffy had been distant ever since the night she had broken Spike’s nose. She’d disappeared early the next morning and Willow hadn’t seen her for days, except to say ‘hi’ to in passing. Willow had been desperate to find out what was going on, but Buffy had just refused to talk about it. There was no mention of Riley or Spike at all and then suddenly, about a week after the ‘night from hell’ as it had been dubbed, Willow had come home from lectures one day to find Buffy and Riley curled up on the sofa together, watching TV as though the events of the past week had never happened. Buffy was all ‘happy smiles’ and ‘isn’t Riley wonderful’. Willow just thought it as all a bit bizarre and wondered just how long Buffy could keep up the pretence that her life was perfect and there was absolutely nothing wrong.

*So far* Willow mused to herself as she chopped up a red pepper, *about three weeks. Not bad going, even for ‘denial girl’*.

It was now the last night of term and Willow and Buffy were due on a flight home the next day. Bags were packed and everything was ready. Tonight was the last night of term party really. Not that it was really a party - more of a gathering with food. Willow had decided that the Chinese banquet idea that had been being tossed around all term was finally going to happen and had single-handedly organised it. There were a few ground rules: firstly, everyone had to cook a Chinese dish to bring (and take away was not allowed) and secondly, guests were allowed, but only one per house member (they only had enough bowls and chopsticks for eight).

So as the evening drew in it found Willow and Tara in the kitchen of the flat. Buffy was upstairs cooking with Riley, Xander was cooking at Anya’s and they would bring their dishes over in a bit and Oz, *who knows where he is!* Oz would probably turn up at the last minute, like he usually did. Willow wasn’t even sure if he was bringing someone.

*~*~

A couple of hours later saw the table pulled out into the middle of the living room and laid with bowls and chopsticks for people to use. The oven was full of dishes keeping warm and Buffy, Riley, Anya, Xander, Willow and Tara were sitting round, waiting for Oz to appear. He’d phoned earlier to say that he would be back by eight and it was now 7:45. Everyone was getting hungry and hoped that he would be early, so there was almost a stampede for the door when the bell rang.

“I’ll go!” Buffy declared racing up the stairs. It did seem a bit strange that Oz was ringing the doorbell - he should have a key after all. *Perhaps he lost it. Or perhaps his arms are so full of yummy food that he couldn’t reach his keys* She thought - brightening at the prospect.

She reached the front door and pulled it open. Her jaw nearly hit the floor. She’d been right about one thing - the figure at the door was laden down with food, and it did smell delicious. But it wasn’t Oz. This figure was taller, definitely more blonde -

“Spike.” Buffy finally found her voice. She swallowed and smiled thinly, not quite able to meet his gaze, “What are you doing here?”

“What’s it look like? Here for the grub. Brought mine.” He indicated the several large containers. “An’ it’s heavy, so if you don’t mind?” He moved to enter the building and Buffy instinctively moved out of his way before snapping her mouth shut and following him.

“How did you know about tonight?”

“Oz told me - ‘m his guest. This is both of our food and it took bloody ages to cook.” He said over his shoulder as he started down the stairs.

When he made it downstairs he made a beeline for the kitchen and sighed gratefully as he deposited his stack of dishes into the oven, flexing his arms to relieve the tension that the heavy load had caused in his shoulders. He turned as he felt a tap on his shoulder. Willow was standing behind him.

“We really need to talk.” She hissed at him before beckoning him into a corner of the room.

“What’s up, luv?” Spike thought about quipping but he was genuinely confused as to why the redhead was so desperate to talk to him.

Willow decided to come straight to the point, “Do you hate Buffy?”

“What? No! Where the hell did you get that, quite frankly, bloody ridiculous idea from?” Spike was astonished at the idea.

“From the mouth of the lady herself - she’s convinced that you hate her.”

“Ah - that’ll be the reason for the less than joyous reception I got from her then.”

“I think that’s also left over guilt from the whole nose-breaking episode. Looking good by the way.” Willow looked at his nose, trying to see any sign that it was different than before - she failed.

“I know - I was lucky.” Spike shrugged.

“Anyway, enough of that! You have to talk to her. She won’t believe anyone else - she can be a little bit stubborn at times.”

“No kidding - I had noticed! Fine, I’ll go talk to her.” He shook his head and wandered off in search of the girl who was almost more trouble than she was worth. *Almost* he thought with a grin.

She was standing alone on the far side of the room, fussing over which CD to play.

“Tough choice?” he asked, standing directly behind her. She jumped slightly and turned to face him.

“Not really - thought that the old fall back of the compilation would be the best. Something for everyone.” She smiled at him, but he noticed that it didn’t quite reach her eyes.

“You okay, luv?” He asked, concerned.

“Yes, I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?” She turned to put the CD in.

“Just…” he sighed and decided to let it lie - for now. “A little bird told me something rather disturbing just now.” He tried.

“Oh, what was that?” she asked over her shoulder. He leant down and whispered in her ear.

“That I hate you.”

Buffy nearly knocked Spike to the floor as she straightened up suddenly, all the colour draining from her cheeks as she heard the words that she’d been telling herself over and over again for the past few weeks. Suddenly there wasn’t enough oxygen in the air as she tried to concentrate on the fact that he was still speaking.

“Wh-wh-what did you say?” she managed to get out.

“I said that I don’t know where someone would get that idea from. I don’t hate you pet.” He said kindly and smiled genuinely at her. She looked up at him, brows furrowing slightly.

“You don’t hate me?” she asked quietly.

“No, luv” he blushed ever so slightly. “In fact, just the opposite.” He looked down, now he was the one unable to meet her gaze and part of him was cursing himself as a complete idiot for saying that.

“What…?” Buffy seemed confused for a minute as she tried to grasp what he said and then realisation dawned on her face. “Oh. Oh!” She bit her lip, unsure of what to say. “Spike, I mean, you’re a really nice guy and all, but, well, Riley and, and…”

“I didn’t tell you for that Buffy.” Spike interrupted. “What kind of a tosser do you take me for, anyway? Just wanted you to know that I don’t, have never and will never, hate you.” He smiled sweetly. She returned his smile and it reached her eyes for the first time that night. He opened his mouth to say something when he noticed her eyes flicker over his shoulder.

“Riley!” she said as she turned towards her boyfriend who had walked up to the pair. Riley put his arm possessively round his girlfriend’s shoulder.

“Spike,” he said, smile ghosting across his lips.

“Riley.” A nod of the head.

Buffy cringed slightly as the testosterone levels in the room seemed to suddenly rise sharply as the two men eyed each other up - Riley’s posture and positioning clearly screaming “mine!” Spike just stood there nonchalantly as if Riley hadn’t just walked in on him professing his feelings for the other bloke’s girlfriend - he was fairly sure that Riley hadn’t overheard what they had been discussing anyway. This attitude seemed to faze Riley slightly and they stood there for a few minutes, each waiting for the other to speak first in what seemed like some kind of game of mental chicken.

Riley lost.

“Haven’t seen you around here much lately,” he said, trying to sound casual.

“Yeah, well, better things to do,” Spike replied

“Like what?”

“Know a guy who can get United tickets, so been up at Old Trafford a lot lately.” Spike shrugged as if it were nothing.

“Really?” Riley suddenly dropped the casual tone and actually sounded interested. “Any more going round?”

Spike looked surprised. “Didn’t have you down for the football type mate - y’look more of a rugby guy to me.” Riley shrugged

“I am, but, I mean, come on! We’re talking about United here - the tickets are like gold dust and who’s gonna pass up the chance to see possibly one of the best teams in the world play at their home ground?” Spike smiled.

“They are great, aren’t they? I was there last week when…”

Buffy decided that this was her cue to leave and deftly extricated herself from under Riley’s arm. He didn’t even notice, so engrossed was he in conversation with the guy who, only moments ago, he seemed willing to start with. She wandered over to Willow who was fretting over the table.

“It looks fine,” she laughed.

“I know, but I guess I wanted something to do. Typical Oz, always late” she referred to their still-absent friend with a laugh before turning to her friend, “So?”

“So what?” Buffy asked innocently

“So, you and Spike, whispering in the corner… spill!” Willow demanded.

“You just want me to admit that you were right and I was wrong - as usual.”

“Yep.”

“Fine,” Buffy sighed. “You were right, it was all a big misunderstanding.”

“He doesn’t hate you?”

“No.” Buffy felt herself start to blush and ducked her head, hoping her friend wouldn’t notice. But she did.

“Buffy - you’re blushing. What aren’t you telling me?”

Buffy looked frantically around the room for a way to avoid the question - Spike would not be happy if she when blabbing what he’d said to her friends, she was fairly convinced it had been for her ears only. Her saviour was just coming down the stairs.

“Look! Oz is here!” Buffy exclaimed in a voice that was slightly too vivacious, but it did the trick. Willow turned and smiled before scooting off towards the kitchen to play hostess and grab the food.

Everyone congregated around the table as the food was brought forth. They were all of varying abilities when it came to cooking, so everyone was a little surprised that it all looked, at the very least, edible and, in some cases, mouth-wateringly delicious. They all sat eagerly down at the table, apart from Spike who wandered into the kitchen and returned moments later with a slim, black, glass bottle. He smiled devilishly as he offered it round the table.

“Sakè - anyone up for it? Never tried the stuff meself, but figured there’s a first time for everything.”

The bottle was passed around the table and tried by everyone - and rejected straight away as foul by most. In the end only Spike and Riley were willing to drink the strong Oriental liquor.

*~*~

“That’s it! That’s enough - this can’t go on any longer!” Spike declared from his position slumped on the living room floor, back against the sofa.

The only people left in the room were Riley, Spike and Buffy. Anya and Xander had been the first to leave, Anya declaring that she had better uses for Xander that night, surprising everybody with her use of something that might just pass as tact and discretion. Willow and Tara had made their excuses soon after and Oz had melted back into his room quietly at some point later in the evening - nobody was quite sure when.

It had become some kind of competition between Spike and Riley - who could drink the most. It couldn’t be described as who could drink the other under the table because, well, Riley was sitting under the table for some unknown reason that was probably highly amusing if you’d had stupid amounts of alcohol. But then again, Spike wasn’t much better, having decided at about the same time as Riley that the floor was the best place to be.

Buffy would have gone to bed hours ago - she had a plane to catch the next day after all - and sitting watching two men get steadily drunk wasn’t really her idea of a good time - *though I do get to laugh at them* - but neither of them had shown any sign of wanting to quit and so she had decided that someone had better stay to make sure it didn’t all go horribly wrong. *Have to admit, I didn’t think Spike would be the one to quit first*.

“H’ve t’go t’bed. No’ drinkin’ anymor’!” Spike hauled himself up onto the sofa and Buffy went over to him

“Come on you, up - I’ll get the bed out properly for you.” She tried to pull him up but failed.

“No pro’l’m luv, ‘m ‘appy like this. Jus’ gimme a duvet ‘n’ll be jus’ fine,” he slurred sleepily. She smiled and carefully tucked the spare duvet which had been behind the sofa round his already sleeping form before sighing and turning towards the table, hands on hips.

“Don’t make me come under there after you!” She threatened jokingly, bending down to look at the figure under the table. He sulked a little and then crawled out.

“He might have drunk me under the table, but that didn’t stop me! And it paid off - he gave up first - the wuss!” he staggered upright and Buffy groaned slightly as he leaned his weight against her.

“Yeah, yeah - you’re just great,” she moaned sarcastically as they staggered up the stairs. “But I’m still kicking you out. I have a plane to catch tomorrow. Or, actually, later today, and you snore when you’re drunk, so go sleep in your own bed.” Buffy stood holding the door open.

Riley did the usual moaning and complaining about having to leave, but he eventually did and Buffy made her way back to her own bed to grab a few hours sleep before she had to be at the airport.



Chapter 17

The room was grey, the walls weren’t painted and she thought that they might be made of stone. It was light in the room though - the sunlight entering the room through windows set high in the thick, grey walls. She was fairly sure that he’d been asleep in the ragged green chair that stood to one side of the room when she walked in, pushing the heavy wooden door open with all the force she could muster. It banged against the wall loudly, waking the figure in the chair that jumped to his feet.

“It’s you, should’ve known.” He said moving to stand in front of her. His eyes never left hers as she walked towards him wondering where they were and what she was doing here in this empty, grey room. She came to a stop in front of him and for a moment they just stood there, staring into each other’s eyes.

Suddenly he grabbed her by the upper arms and kissed her, trying to inject all the passion he felt into that one kiss. She returned it for a moment, more out of habit than anything else, then pulled back with dismay. She brought her hand to her mouth and looked up at him, brow furrowing. Confused she reached up around the back of his head and pulled him towards her, kissing him passionately. She felt his hands clutch at her back and his mouth leave hers to kiss her cheek. She stood frozen, she couldn’t move.

“I love you Buffy.” She heard him whisper to her and still she stood there. Then she pulled back and looked him in the eye, she smiled sadly.

“But I don’t love you Riley. I’m sorry.”

*~*~

Buffy awoke with a gasp, tears streaming down her face as the dream came flooding back to her.

“No. Oh no.” she shook her head, trying to tell herself that it was just a dream, just a silly dream, but she knew that it wasn’t. She looked at the clock 5:24. She was in her bedroom, at home in her mother’s house in Sunnydale and had been for the best part of a week now.

She swallowed a couple of times, trying to banish the tears that continued to stream down her face, but it was no good. She picked up the phone and dialled.

“Hello?” a sleepy voice on the other end of the line said.

“I don’t love him.” Buffy sobbed down the line.

“Oh, god Buffy, are you okay?” Willow was suddenly very awake.

“No, I don’t think I am. What am I going to do Will. I tried and tried. It shouldn’t be like this. We were the perfect couple - he was everything I was supposed to want and I tried so hard to make it work. But I can’t do it anymore. I don’t love him. Why don’t I love him? What do I do?” She burst into a fresh round of sobs. At the other end of the line Willow looked at the clock and stifled a sigh. *Looks like I’m getting up then*.

“What you do is go and have a shower - I’ll meet you in an hour for an early breakfast - things always look better over coffee and a large plate of fattening pancakes with far too much syrup - it’s a proven fact.” Willow said matter-of-factly.

“But I don’t like coffee” Buffy complained, sniffling now rather than sobbing.

“I’m sure they have alternatives. Now go, shower.” Willow said before hanging up the phone and turning over for another few minutes sleep before she had to get dressed.

*~*~

The two girls were the only ones in the restaurant that early in the morning and the waitress looked at them wondering why the pale redhead who looked like she was still half asleep and the tiny blonde with the huge bloodshot eyes felt the need to be here at this time in the morning. She shrugged and turned away - the world was full of odd people.

Buffy had managed to stop crying by the time she met Willow and she sat at the table, nervously shredding napkins from the dispenser, not knowing what to say.

“You got me out of bed - you get to speak first.” Willow stated firmly, taking a large mouthful from the mug of strong, hot coffee in front of her.

“I don’t love him.” Buffy said quietly.

*I gathered that through the sobs on the phone* Willow thought somewhat meanly - she didn’t really react well to early morning wakeup calls, but she swallowed the thought and prepared to be supportive to her friend who seemed to have finally realised what Willow had suspected, then known, for quite some while now. This was finally the end for Buffy and Riley and Buffy seemed to be suffering from shock right now.

“I tried, really I did. I wanted so much for it to work and then I woke up this morning and I knew it wasn’t going to.” Buffy gabbled, desperate to fill the silence. Willow just made encouraging listening sounds, knowing that the best thing for her friend would be just to talk about it - she didn’t need advice right now.

“And then it suddenly hit me. I realised that I haven’t loved him for a long time now. And, god Will, I’m only 20 and here am I running round trying to change and be this perfect thing and make this relationship work as though we’ve been married for years or something. And it’s making me miserable. And I can’t do it anymore.” She took a deep breath. “It’s over. It has to be. I have to break up with Riley.”

Willow watched the emotions play across her friend’s face. The final one seemed more like relief than anything else. Relief that she knew what to do and Willow suddenly realised that Buffy was going to be fine.

“So, what you gonna do?” Willow asked carefully, just as two large plates of pancakes arrived. Buffy avoided answering for a while, thinking about the question as she busied herself with preparing her pancakes with far too much syrup. She cut a piece off the first one, then looked at it and put down the fork - suddenly realising that food was the last thing she wanted right now. She looked across the table at Willow.

“I’ve let this thing go on long enough - I can’t drag it out any further. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us. But I have to tell him face to face.

“I’m going to go back to England a few days early - and alone before you suggest coming with me. I know Riley’s still there, he didn’t go home for the Easter break, so I can talk to him and we can sort this out before everyone comes back. I think that would be best.” She looked over for confirmation.

“Sounds sensible to me, but are you sure that you don’t want me to come with you?”

“Yes Will, I’m sure. I need to do this on my own.” Buffy said determinedly. She looked back down at her plate of rapidly cooling pancakes. “But can we get out of here now - the smell of all this food is really turning my stomach.”

“Sure, let’s go.” Willow smiled and called for the cheque.



Chapter 18

Alone.

That one little word perfectly summed up how Buffy felt and how she had felt ever since she boarded her transatlantic flight from LAX.

It wasn’t the fact that she was on her own - she’d undertaken the journey solo before, after all. But this was different, before now she’d always known that there would be someone to meet her at the other end. Today there was no one.

She walked into the departure lounge carrying her bags and caught herself looking for a friendly face.

*You know that there’s nobody there, it’s just you.* She took a deep breath and made her way through the throng of people to the exit and the taxi rank.

*~*~

Buffy sat silently in the back of the taxi as it pulled away from the terminal building. She stared out of the window, watching as the airport road gave way to fields full of horses and cows, which, in turn, gave way fairly quickly to houses and they reached the suburbs of Manchester. The houses flitted past and the area became more and more built up as they reached the inner city. But Buffy hardly noticed - all this was familiar to her now, she’d made the journey too many times to count and she couldn’t drag her mind away from what lay at the end of the relatively short taxi ride.

Riley.

She sighed. For all her planning she really had no idea how to approach this. The coward in her hoped that he would be out when she got there, but deep down inside she knew that it would be best if he was in so she could face this and deal with it.

*~*~

Buffy was wrenched out of her thoughts when the taxi came to an abrupt stop outside the flat. She paid the driver and got out, carrying her bags into the eerily empty and silent hallway before letting herself in.

She walked into her bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed, staring at the wall opposite, bags abandoned on the floor. There was nobody else here. No one would be until next week. It was just her.

She sat there for what seemed like hours, but in reality was probably only a few minutes. *So, this is it* she thought. *No going back now. I can’t believe that I’m actually going to do this.* Reality hit home hard as she realised that it had to be now or she’d keep putting it off forever. She got up - she’d go talk to him, but first she had to have a shower and get changed.

*~*~

She stood outside the front door of the upstairs flat, hesitating for a minute, fist raised to knock at the door. She took a deep breath, steeled herself and knocked.

The door was opened almost immediately by Riley who, predictably, looked astonished to see her.

“Buffy! What are you doing here? I mean… God, that came out all wrong. I meant - it’s great that you are here, but I didn’t think that you were back ‘til next week. Why didn’t you call? I would have picked you up from the airport. God! What am I thinking? Come here!” He pulled her to him and into his embrace and she deftly avoided his kiss, pulling away as soon as she could. He frowned and looked at her.

“Riley, we need to talk.”

*~*~

Buffy wandered down Market Street, shoppers moving out of her way as she made no effort to move out of theirs. She didn’t really know why she was walking down the main shopping precinct in Manchester city centre, she just knew that she’d had to get out of the flat and this was where the first bus which came along was headed - in her current state she didn’t really think she was fit to drive.

To say that Riley hadn’t taken it well was probably the understatement of the year. *Even devastated seems a little inadequate* she thought.

He hadn’t believed her at first - he’d accused her of playing some kind of sick joke and she couldn’t believe that he’d think she could ever be that cruel. She had tried to explain, to get him to acknowledge that they’d been having problems for some time now, but he hadn’t wanted to see it and had refused to understand what was going on. He’d tried to reason with her next, saying that they could work it out.

Things got a little scary for a moment when she’d told him it was over, that there was nothing to work on. He’d suddenly stood and started pacing before turning and hitting out. She’d flinched visibly as his fist had impacted with the wall, leaving a visible dent.

It was then that the tears came. Having released his emotion in violence he’d collapsed back onto the sofa next to her, the first tear rolling down his cheek and she’d held him, neither of them speaking.

They’d stayed that way for quite some time until his tears had stopped. He’d pulled away and smiled sadly at her and that was the moment that broke her heart - seeing the acceptance in his eyes. That moment of finality.

They’d kissed - a passionless but friendly goodbye - and she’d left.

And now here she was, wandering aimlessly. She was physically and mentally drained, but she couldn’t face returning to the flat yet, knowing that he was just upstairs and that she was all alone. At least here she was surrounded by people, even if they were all strangers who didn’t give her a second glance.

So she wandered, looking into shop windows without seeing their contents, the look on her face so totally blank that not even the people collecting for charity tried to attract her attention. There was nothing to distract her from her thoughts.

“Buffy!”

The voice called from behind her, seemingly from far away. She ignored it and carried on walking.

“Buffy!” This time the voice was accompanied by a firm hand on her shoulder, stopping her and turning her around to look into the clear blue eyes of its owner. She stared at him for a minute and then attempted a smile.

“Hi” she said quietly.

Spike had spotted her across the crowds and hurried over to catch up, but he was shocked when she turned to face him. Her hair was dishevelled, her eyes blood-shot and puffy and she’d obviously been crying. In all, she looked like her world had just been pulled out from under her, and when she smiled at him, it didn’t even pretend to reach her eyes.

“Luv? Pet, what’s happened?” He asked caringly. Her eyes welled up with fresh tears as he asked the question.

“Riley and I have broken up.” A single tear rolled down her cheek and suddenly she launched herself into his arms, lent against his chest and burst into tears. Spike didn’t give it a second thought - he wrapped his arms around her and held her whilst she cried, murmuring comforting nothings into her hair.

He held her until he felt her sobs subside and she stood quietly in his arms, then he placed a hand gently on the small of her back and steered her away from the crowded street. She looked up at him.

“Where are we going?”

“Pub” he said matter-of-factly pointing down a side street.

“Why?”

“Well, firstly because you look like you need to sit down before you collapse with exhaustion,” he explained as they crossed a busy main road and started down a wide alley lined with small but expensive looking boutiques. “And secondly, because you need a drink.” He caught her look. “Yes, I know, you don’t really drink, but you look like you could do with one right now.” He steered her across another busy street and in through the front door of a large glass-fronted bar.

It was cool and quiet inside - a stark contrast to the hustle and bustle of the crowded city streets they had just left behind. The high ceilings of the large pub swallowed the quiet conversations of the few patrons already seated in alcoves and at tables around the room. Spike led her further into the pub, towards a quiet corner at the back. Stopping he indicated for her to take a seat.

“Sit. I’ll be back in a minute.” As Buffy obediently sat he disappeared towards the bar, returning minutes later with two pints of lager and a packet of crisps. He sat down next to her, pushed one of the pints towards her and opened the packet out on the table so that they could share.

Buffy picked up the pint glass and took a sip, making a face at the taste of it. “Never liked this stuff, but it's strangely comforting,” she said, not looking at him. She took another sip and sighed. Spike said nothing - he just sat back, slowly sipping his pint and munching crisps.

They sat in companionable silence for a while and Buffy was grateful that he let her just be. There was no pressure on her to explain, but at the same time his very presence seemed to lend her the support she needed to relax. She yawned, exhaustion suddenly hitting her hard.

“When was the last time you slept, pet?” Spike asked, glancing at the bags under her eyes.

“Before I left home.”

“What? US home? That must have been yesterday near enough!” Spike said slightly incredulously.

“More than likely, but I needed to get things sorted out with Riley.”

“Oh?” Spike said, trying to encourage her to talk, but not wanting to push it if she didn’t want to.

“I realised over the vacation that I didn’t love him, so I came back early to end it,” she explained bluntly.

“So, that’s it? You’ve done it?”

“Oh. Yeah.” She looked at him. “You know - I’ve never broken it off with anyone before. I was always under the impression that if it was you who did the leaving it was meant to hurt less, but right now it feels as if someone’s ripped my heart out. And I just feel so guilty…”

“He didn’t take it well then?”

“You really think he would?”

“Guess not.”

“I feel so guilty and I keep wondering if I’ve done the right thing.” Spike turned to face her, so that he was looking her directly in the eyes.

“Were you happy?”

“No.” she said definitely.

“Then you’ve just answered your own question. Look, you realised that you weren’t happy and he was never going to make you happy and it wasn’t going to work - right?”

“Right.”

“And so you ended it - right?”

“Right.”

“Now you could have let it drag on for months and months and the outcome would probably have been the same. If you know it’s not going to work, nothing you can do can change that. The only thing you would have achieved by staying with him would have been to hurt him even more in the process. Riley’s not stupid, he would have noticed that your heart wasn’t in it. I know that I would have preferred it if Dru had just been honest and left instead of playing around behind my back trying to get me to dump her. The end of our relationship dragged on forever. Yes, you broke his heart, but at least it was a clean break and it’ll heal. Same for you, though your state isn’t helped by lack of sleep.” The latter bit was said in a slightly parental tone and Buffy smiled slightly, but a real smile.

“Yes, dad!” Spike joined her in the grin.

“That’s better. Look, why don’t you go home and get some rest? You’ll feel better for it.”

“I’ve been trying to avoid that one.” She grimaced.

“Why?”

“No-one’s there. Like I said - I came back early and the flat’s empty until next week.”

“Okay, so you’re ‘Lonely Girl’ then? Fine. But you still need some sleep. Go home, have a nice long bath and an early night. I’ll pick you up at 7:30 tomorrow night.”

“7:30 - why. What’s going on?”

“I’m taking you out for dinner.” He noticed the look on her face. “In a purely ‘friends’ capacity. If Willow were here you two would work through this with massive amounts of ice-cream and a night of watching chick-flicks and moaning about the evils of men - right?” Buffy just laughed. “Right. Well, that’s not really my scene, so I’ll go for option number two - I’m going to take you out for dinner and treat you like a princess all night. Spoiling you rotten is bound to cheer you up for a bit. You up for that”

“Definitely!”

So, I know there are going to be some happy people out there - I finally did it, I let her dump Riley!
Oh, and BTW - I’m one of those happy people…

Chapter 19:

The world seemed a much nicer place the next day. *It's amazing what 12 hours sleep can do for your outlook on life* Buffy thought with a grin as she headed towards the shower.

She'd taken Spike's advice yesterday. He'd walked her to the bus stop and she'd gone home, spent two luxurious hours in the bath, listening to gentle music and then she'd gone to bed. She'd known that she was tired, but had realised quite how tired until she'd woken up the next morning. *Scrap that thought - call it the next afternoon*. She'd spent the rest of the day lazing around the house doing as little as possible and now she was going to get ready for her not-a-date with Spike. She was really looking forward to it. Considering that only yesterday she thought her world was going to end she could hardly believe how up beat she felt about things now.

He arrived dead on 7:30 and Buffy smiled as she opened the door for him, scanning her eyes appreciatively down his body. He'd really made an effort tonight - his usual jeans replaced with a perfectly tailored charcoal grey suit with a cream open-collared shirt,

"You look nice," she complimented him with a twinkle in her eye.

"As do you," he returned the compliment as he took in the simple black dress she was wearing. It fell to mid thigh and had a plain scooped neck and tiny straps. Her hair fell loose about her shoulders and she had only a touch of makeup on. In all, Spike thought she looked absolutely stunning. "You ready to be spoilt?" he asked her, offering his arm.

"Always" she replied with a smile, hooking her arm through his as they walked down the path. "So, where are we going?"

"Via Felicini - it's a little Italian place in Didsbury village. Heard good things about it." Stopped for a moment and turned to face her. "Right - there are some ground rules for tonight and you either accept them without argument or you can go home now."

"Not sure I like the sound of that." Buffy frowned at him.

"Hear me out, okay? Firstly - I'm paying. Secondly - no looking at prices and choosing the cheapest on the menu. Thirdly - no moping of any kind. Do I make myself understood?" He looked down at her with mock severity and she bit back a laugh.

"I think that I can handle that, but, are you sure you can afford."

"Ah, ah, ah - I told you, no complaints. Or do you want me to walk you home right now?"

"No, no - that's fine - let's go." She took hold of his hand and pulled him down the street.

*~*~

"I have a table booked in the name of Giles," Spike said politely to the maitre d' who greeted them at the door of the small restaurant.

"Ah, yes. Please, if you would follow me." The man led them to a table to one side of the restaurant. He pulled a chair back and Buffy sat down as Spike sat across from her. The man handed each of them a menu and then proceeded to light the single candle in the middle of the table. "Would Sir care to see the wine list?" he asked, before disappearing off at the affirmative and reappearing moments later with a new folder.

"Thank you."

They each looked at the menu, Buffy's eyes bugging slightly as she scanned the price list - but she had promised, so she simply swallowed and decided to try and ignore that part of the menu. She scanned the list and was immediately hit with indecision - so much of it looked delicious, she had no idea how she was going to chose.

"It all looks so good," she moaned across the table.

"I know." Spike agreed.

Eventually, though, they made up their minds and a waitress took their order.

"And would you like any drinks?" she asked.

"Yes. We'll have a." Spike looked at the wine list knowingly, "bottle of the Chablis Premiere Cru."

"And a bottle of mineral water," Buffy added. Spike gave her a look.

"Very good," the waitress commented before moving off.

"Please. Tell me you're not intending to drink water all night. That was a bloody good bottle of wine I just ordered and you will have some."

"Don't worry Spike; I'm going to have some wine. I just wanted some water as well. You have a problem with that?" She raised an eyebrow at him.

"No, of course not" he said, somewhat sheepishly as he remembered that this was her night.

*~*~

"I couldn't eat another thing!" Buffy declared as she finished her tiramisu. Dinner had been fabulous - not only had the food been the best she'd ever tasted, but Spike had been at his sparkling best. She was happy and contented and all her worries and stresses seemed to have melted away. *Though that could have something to do with the whole bottle of wine I've drunk tonight* she mused.

"Pet?"

"What?"

"You've got some cream." He indicated her cheek where a small blob of cream had somehow deposited itself. "Here, let me." He reaches across the table and brushed the cream from her cheek before bringing his finger to his mouth and licking off the cream with little flicks of his tongue. She was sure he hadn't meant it as an erotic thing, but Buffy's brain had other ideas. She watched as he reached towards her and she felt his finger trace her cheek and it seemed to leave little tingles in its wake. And then she watched, it seemed almost in slow motion, he brought the finger back to his mouth, her pupils dilating as his tongue flicked out and deftly licked off the cream. She was helpless to prevent the sudden musings of her mind on that tongue and what else it could do.

She shook herself out of her daze and desperately tried to think of something to say. Spike came to the rescue.

"You want coffee?" he asked, seemingly unaware of her distraction a minute before.

"No. Actually, I think the wine's gone to my head slightly. Maybe you could just walk me home?" *The wine. Yes, that's it. All the fault of the wine that I find him so.* she trailed off as she listened to him ask the waitress for the bill. *God, he's got a sexy voice.*

Spike paid the bill and stood up, offering his arm again to Buffy. He wasn't sure what had come over him before; he hadn't meant to actually wipe the cream off her face himself. She was meant to have done it, but suddenly he felt his arm moving of its own volition. The reasonable part of his brain that had apparently lost control went from a little surprised to utterly gob smacked when, instead of wiping the cream on his napkin, he proceeded to lick it off his finger! He had to admit to himself that it had taken all the little control he had left not to present the cream-covered digit to her mouth.

*So, in retrospect, maybe the intimate, romantically lit little Italian restaurant was a bad idea* he thought as they left the restaurant.

He looked down at Buffy who was busily chattering way about something or other, but all he could think of was how beautiful she looked tonight.

*God, I love her.*

He mentally paused at the thought and mulled it over. He'd never really stopped to examine his feelings for her before, but the three little words seemed to fit. They felt, right, somehow and he knew they were true - he loved the girl who walked beside him, loved everything about her. The way she talked, the way she could laugh at almost anything, the way they argued and played off each other, even the ability she had to severely piss him off at times. He smiled to himself as he quietly accepted that fact of his love for her.

The smile faded though as he realised that he would never stand a chance with her. He had made the ultimate mistake - he had become her friend. She'd never see him as anything more than that, but he could deal with that. He was happy to take whatever she'd give him. *Sad, but true* he reflected.

He was pulled out of his thoughts by a tugging on his arm.

"Look, swings!"

He looked in the direction she was pointing and saw they were standing at the edge of the local park, just round the corner from the flat. Sure enough, there in the middle of the grassy expanse, were two swings.

"Don't you think we're a little old for that, pet?" he asked, a hint of amusement in his voice.

"It's a little known fact that you're never too old for swings," she said matter-of-factly, pulling him over to them.

"Oh well - if it's a fact then who am I to complain?" Spike responded with mock seriousness and then broke out into a grin. "Bet I can get higher than you!" he declared as he jumped onto the nearest one and started pumping higher and higher.

"Hey! No fair!" Buffy complained as she took the other one and worked at catching him up. Spike watched her work determinedly out of the corner of his eye, pushing her legs out in front of her, golden hair streaming out behind her and dress riding further and further up her thighs. He was torn between wanting to win his little bet and just wanting to stop and watch her. She looked truly glorious at the moment - carefree and with all the stress, which was so clearly evident just the day before, seemingly wiped away. He slowed to a stop, smile playing across his face.

"Ha! I win!" she crowed, also slowing to a stop. They sat, swinging lightly for a second before Buffy stood and went to lie on a raised patch of grass a little way off. Spike decided to join her and they lay there, staring up at the sky.

"You just can't see the stars properly here," Spike complained. "You should see the sky at my parent's place - it's so dark there you can see so much more. Here there are just too many streetlights - the haze spoils the view."

Buffy didn't answer and Spike had gone back to trying to identify constellations when he felt a body press against his side and an arm wind its way around his chest. He craned his head slightly and looked at her.

"You alright pet?"

"Yes, fine," she said, not giving any reason for the sudden closeness, nor making any move to change her position.

"You cold? D'you want my jacket?" He made as if to sit up to take off his jacket, but her arm held him firmly in place.

"No. I'm just good like this," she murmured, looking up at him.

He was suddenly very aware of their proximity as he stared into her clear green eyes. He took an involuntary breath and licked his lips unconsciously and she mirrored his actions. Then, before he could think about what he was doing he had lowered his head to hers and placed a long, lingering kiss on her lips. The faraway place in his brain that was still processing thoughts was surprised when she eagerly responded and he wrapped his arms round her and pulled her into his embrace.

*Mmm, Buffy, nice* was about as coherent as his thoughts got, but that was enough for his brain to kick back into action. He pulled away, breaking the kiss. *Oh, God! I just kissed Buffy. This has to be a bad thing - she'd only just broken up with Riley. She can't be ready for this. She."

All rational thoughts were swept away as she firmly pulled him back into her embrace, kissing him passionately. Her hands roamed over his body, one pulling at his shirt until she successfully freed it from the waist of his trousers and she slipped her hand underneath to caress the skin of his back. The other quested upwards to entangle itself in his hair, pulling him deeper into the kiss. He struggled briefly with his conscience before giving in to her and returning her touch, letting his hand wander up and down her back, caressing the exposed skin of her shoulders and running his fingers through her hair. It was clear that they were both disappointed when the inevitable break for air came and they broke away.

He looked up at her, leaning on one elbow, slightly raised above him, somewhat breathless. He had no idea what to do, what to say, so he just lay there on the grass looking at her slightly wide-eyed, nibbling at his bottom lip nervously, trying to keep his breathing under control.

She smiled and placed a chaste, playful kiss on his closed lips. "I want you," she said as her hand crept over his chest, under his shirt. He gasped slightly.

"What?" he asked, unsure whether he'd heard her properly. She pulled his shirt up, exposing the pale, lightly muscled skin underneath. Leaning over she peppered little kisses across his chest and abdomen.

"I." Kiss. "Said." Kiss. "I." Kiss. Then she looked up, directly into his eyes and said clearly, "Want you" before returning to her task.

He moistened his suddenly very dry mouth before croaking out, "What? Here?"

She stopped her ministrations and took in their surroundings, looking for all the world as if she'd forgotten that they were in the middle of a park.

"No, not here. Come on." She stood and waited for him to join her.

He stood up, brushed a few stray pieces of grass off his suit and looked down at her, waiting for her to take the lead - he was far too confused at this turn of events to be much use in the thinking and planning department - and waiting to wake up and for all this to have been a dream.

But he didn't wake up, instead she lifted herself onto her toes - the slight height difference between them more apparent now they were standing - and kissed him once more, slipping one hand back into his hair and one down to his arse, pulling him towards her and pressing his body against his. He did likewise, holding her tightly to him.

Again he felt the loss as she broke away for air then looked at him, face flushed, her lips swollen slightly, chest heaving as she gasped, "Definitely. Not. Here!"

They walked quickly out of the park and round the corner to the flat. The entrance hall was dark as she let them in, closing the door firmly behind them.

She'd only just been able to bolt it when he tackled her, slamming her body back against the wall as she kissed him ardently.

She pushed his jacket forcefully off his shoulders and onto the floor, his shirt soon to follow.

They somehow made it from the front door to her bedroom without breaking contact - Spike losing clothes on the way until the back of his legs hit the edge of her bed and he found himself dressed only in his trousers and shoes.

Buffy took one step back and looked at him, before smiling to herself and pushing him backwards onto the bed.

She crawled over to him and reached out to undo his belt buckle, swiftly divesting him of the remainder of his clothes. She then sat back on her knees beside his prone figure and surveyed his naked form.

"Very nice" she commented, raising one eyebrow in appreciation.

Spike looked up at her still fully clothed figure before reaching out to touch her. She quickly moved out of his reach, retreating off the bed to stand in the middle of the room. He groaned and moved off his back to lie on his side along her bed, making no effort to hide his nakedness.

Buffy let her eyes stray across his body one more time before they returned to his and she gazed at him, reaching behind her to undo the zip at the back of her dress. She shrugged the thin straps off her shoulder and the black material pooled around her feet.

He stared at her body, now clad only in black lace underwear. He felt as if he couldn't breathe. *She is,* he thought, *quite literally, breath-taking*. He silently watched her as she slowly removed the rest of her clothing and joined him on the bed, afraid that to speak would be to break whatever spell seemed to be holding them here.

As if sensing that he wasn't going to make the first move, Buffy reached out and traced a finger lightly down over his chest. He shivered slightly at the contact, at the contrast between this feather-light touch and the animal passion with which they had attacked each other only moments before in the hallway.

He lay perfectly still as she teased his body, touching him with only the gentlest of strokes and only ever with the very tips of her fingers. She traced down over his chest, teasing his nipples lightly as she explored, over the sensitive spots on his abdomen that had him torn between wanting to whimper in pleasure and fighting not to burst out laughing and spoil the fabulous sensations her ministrations were producing.

He groaned in pleasure and frustration as she skimmed lightly downwards. She gave him a wicked grin as she denied him want she knew he wanted and moved instead to his inner thigh.

He could take no more of this and he moved, his speed taking Buffy by surprise as he flipped her onto her back and pinned her down.

"It's not fair to tease a man like that," he growled playfully. She squirmed beneath him, a look of pure want tinged with a little vulnerability appearing on her face.

"I want you Spike - now" she almost pleaded.

"Are you sure?" he asked, scared of the question, but wanting to give her the chance to change her mind.

She wriggled one hand free of his loose grasp and pulled him down to her.

"Yes, I'm sure - now!" she breathed urgently before kissing him fiercely and bucking her hips up to meet his. He needed no further invitation.

He watched, almost in awe, as her expression changed from one of near desperation to what he could only describe as one of bliss and he knew that her expression was mirrored on his own face. He stared into her eyes, lost in the pools of green, feeling like he could drown in them and die a happy man. She closed her eyes and he felt the loss immediately.

"Buffy. Look at me pet," he asked quietly, leaning down to whisper in her ear, placing a smattering of delicate kisses along the side of her slender neck before pulling back up. Her eyes were open again and once more he found himself immediately lost in them, in the way she was looking at him. They were the only two people in the world, lost in the moment, in the act.

She called his name as she came and he was sure that he'd never heard a sweeter sound. It pushed him over the edge and he collapsed besides her, whispering her name almost reverently.

He pulled her close and she wrapped herself around him, resting her head on his chest.

They didn't speak - somehow words didn't seem necessary. He stroked her hair gently until she feel asleep in his arms, breathing gently.

He watched her sleep for a while - the curtains were slightly open and a shaft of moonlight shone in through the crack, lighting their naked forms. He was smiling as he fell asleep.

A/N Thank you all for your patience - I realise the Spuffy was a long time coming. Would love your comments, hint hint. Should be more very soon

Chapter 20:

Consciousness came slowly. She was vaguely aware of the warmth of a shaft of sunlight on her face at first. Then came the awareness of a firm, muscled body beneath her cheek, holding her gently against him. It was a pleasant feeling, an agreeable way to wake up and her lips curled up into a smile. The body beneath her moved slightly.

"Morning luv," it spoke, a hand moving to stroke her hair lightly. She opened her eyes and looked up.

"Morning, Spike."

He smiled at her before leaning down to kiss her. She sighed slightly as his lips met hers, feeling their softness and mentally reliving the night before - a night she never wanted to forget.

She deepened the kiss, pulling him towards her, wrapping her arms around him to bring him into her embrace. As his arms slid around her back to hold her just as tightly she knew that, right now, at this very moment, the world was only as big as her bed and they were the only two people in it.

They broke apart and she rested her head on his bare chest. They lapsed back into one of the comfortable silences that had been a constant throughout their relationship and just enjoyed the moment, neither one of them in a rush to leave their little world.

Eventually, Spike moved slightly.

"Luv, I'm going to go and have a shower, okay?" he asked, looking down at her with a slight smile.

"Sure - you know where everything is, right?"

"Like I haven't stayed here a million times before?" he snorted derisively before laughing and climbing out of bed.

"See you in a minute," she called to his back as he left the room.

She flopped back onto the pillow, smile playing across her features as she thought about the night before. It has been wonderful, perfect even. *The dinner, the wine, the walk, the sex.* She giggled to herself slightly at that last thought and she felt her breathing quicken slightly at the mere memory of it. She couldn't think of a word to describe how amazing it had been. *It was as though he knew me - almost as if he could read my mind and see exactly what I wanted.* Her mind wandered happily over the memory as she played it out in her mind.

*Sex with Spike. Making love to Spike. Spike making love to me* She just didn't seem to be able to keep the giddy smile off her face.

*And so much better than Riley had ever been.* The thought rose unbidden from the depths of her mind and brought her down to earth with a crash.

*~*~

Buffy was dressed in a long t-shirt and sitting on the edge of the bed when Spike walked in, towel slung loosely round his hips and still damp from the shower, his platinum blonde locks slightly curled and ruffled. He took one look at her and knew something was wrong. He cursed himself for a fool for thinking that there had been something more to the previous night's encounter than a rebound shag and started to put on his clothes, desperate that, if she was going to tell him where to go, he would at least have the dignity of not being bollock-naked at the time.

"We need to talk," she finally said, not sounding too enthusiastic about the idea.

Spike considered getting the jump on her. Turning round and telling her 'it had been fun, thanks a lot, but nothing more', but her couldn't do it. He knew her too well and knew that, no matter if that had been exactly what she had been going to say, hearing it come from him would devastate her. So he simply nodded and waited. She took a deep breath.

"I want you to know that last night, well, it was wonderful - one of the best of my life, in fact." She stood and walked towards him, stopping directly in front of him and meeting his eyes steadily. "And I don't regret one second of it."

"Why do I get the feeling that there's a 'but' coming sometime soon?" he asked, trying to keep his voice light, hardly daring to breathe as he waited for the line he knew would shatter his world.

"But we both know this can't go any further."

And there it was, the arrow through his heart. He waited, knowing there was more, knowing she'd feel the need to explain. She started pacing.

"Maybe, maybe if this had happened some other time, it would have worked and, another time, I would have been willing to give it a try." She stopped in front of him again. "But it's not another time - it's right now. I only split up with Riley the other day. It would kill him if I started dating you. I may not love the guy, but I do care about his feelings and I just can't do that to him."

Spike's heart clung on to the only bit of good news it could find - she had near as damned admitted to having feeling for him! *Maybe I could talk her round, it could work - we could keep it a secret, Riley wouldn't have to know. If she knew how I felt about her.*

"Buffy, I lo." he started.

"Please!" she interrupted quickly. "Please, I know this'll sound really harsh, but I don't want to know how you feel about me. I'd rather you didn't tell me." She brought a hand to her head and massaged her temple.

Cursing himself as an idiot once more, he went to her and took her into his arms. She let him hold her, unresisting, before he hooked a finger under her chin and guided her face up so that he could look her in the eye.

"I understand, pet. An' I won't say anything about any feelings, an' I won't tell anyone about what happened last night, all right? But I'm still your friend. I will always be there for you." He pulled away and looked her straight in the face. "Understand?"

"Yes," she said, almost meekly, suddenly feeling cowed under the intensity of his gaze.

"Okay then." He bent his head to kiss her and she closed her eyes and leaned into it, but it wasn't the passionate kiss of the night before, or even of earlier this morning. Instead he placed a brief kiss on the end of her nose and stepped back. She looked at him, mouth slightly agape, oddly disappointed. He shrugged.

"I should go - see you around" and with that, he turned and left.

Buffy sat down hard on the edge of the bed, hands clutching the mattress as she held back the compelling need to run after him. She hadn't expected him to suddenly leave like that.

*Well, what the hell did you expect? That you could tell him 'thanks, it was nice, but I only wanted you for the sex, but hey, why don't you hang around for second helpings before I kick you out and pretend like this never happened?* the little voice in the back of her head sneered sarcastically.

"There was no other way," she said to the empty room quietly. She just couldn't be with Spike - not like this. "I mean, what would people think?" she asked herself. "I'm just not the kind of girl who jumps from one bed to the next. I don't do that kind of thing."

*Right. So it wasn't you that screwed Spike last night then?*

"That was the alcohol," she tried to convince herself, but she knew it was a lie. The truth was what she'd told Spike earlier - that it had been amazing and she didn't regret it.

But, at the same time, it wasn't like her. The previous night had been something special. She'd felt as if the world was different. She'd spent her life being what she thought she should be, acting how she thought other people thought she should act and, suddenly, last night, the world changed.

She'd always known that she didn't have to act round Spike - that she could just be herself. Pretending to be anything else around him was a complete waste of time anyway - he always saw straight through her bullshit when she tried. He always saw her and if she tried to be anything else she just added fodder to his armoury of jibes and taunts.

And last night, alone with him, she'd felt free, unshackled and uncaring about the consequences of her actions. Suddenly the world simplified down to three little words - want, take, have. And she had.

But that was then - this was now and the reality of the world she had created for herself had come back home. And she did care - she cared about what other people thought of her, she cared about how they would view her actions and she didn't want to find out how they would react. So she took the easy way out - she didn't move off the bed.

*~*~

Spike slammed his bedroom door behind him and threw his jacket violently onto his bed.

"Buggery, buggery, bollocksing, arse!" he shouted at the room as he repressed the urge to hit something.

"I am, without a doubt, the biggest ponce who ever walked the earth! What the hell was I thinking with the whole 'oh Buffy, I'll always be there for you, and don't worry - you can use me as a doormat anytime you want' speech? I should have just told the bloody bint where to go!"

He sat down on the bed and dropped his head into his hands. The truth was, he knew, that he knew exactly what he'd been thinking when he'd given her that line - he'd meant every word of it. He'd fallen hard and fast and the girl now, near enough, had a willing slave. As much as he might rant and rave about ditching her, he'd run through fire if she asked him to.

He just hoped it didn't come to that.

A/N - What? You didn't really think that it would be that easy did you???? Let me know what you think - it's inspiring.

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