Chapter 5:

The trip to Cleveland had been a little uncomfortable but pretty uneventful as road trips went. She only wished that they hadn't had to take the Desoto. She still hated that thing. Not that she let Spike know that, he still thought of it as his baby.

They stopped at a few motels during the day and traveled mostly at night. She was sure that the black windows would get them noticed by every highway patrolman on the way.

They had compromised on music switching every hour to something the other would like. It was different the easy way they were dealing with each other now. While it was kind of strange Buffy enjoyed it. They had never talked much about anything before and now it was like the floodgates opened wide. She had found out stuff about him that she was sure no one ever knew. And she also knew that if she ever told anyone about it he would kill her.

But she was okay with that. It was good that they were learning to be open with each other. She felt the need to be avoidy girl with him drift further and further away. In one way she had found the friend she had looked for her entire life. She didn't need to hold anything back from him and he refused to judge her. Willow had tried, bless her, but she had never been able not to really judge her by her actions as both Buffy and the Slayer. But here with Spike of all people she had gotten total acceptance. And in return her heart felt lighter than it had in years.

Three days of constant driving had finally taken their toll however as they finally rolled into Cleveland. Both of them were tired and cranky but had managed not to snap at each other.

"Where do we head now?"

"Think we should hole up for the rest of the night. We'll search out the guys tomorrow."

"Thank God. No offense but I just want to get the hell out of the car."

He chuckled at her. "I agree pet."

Buffy searched through her purse locating the rest of the bills she had managed to bring with her. "We've got a little less than a hundred dollars so no upscale hotel for us."

She cocked her head and studied him for a moment. "You have enough blood left in the cooler?"

"One more bag. It's enough to get me through tonight." She nodded slowly.

"Well I don't know about you but I could really use some real food. The fast food thing is starting to make me really sick."

"I'll see what we can scrounge up." As he stopped at a light he stole a glance at her. "You doin okay?"

"Stop being silly. I'm fine." She couldn't help it she looked into his eyes. That always did it. "Okay I miss Dawn. You happy now?"

"Yeah I miss the Nibblet too. Hope the others are treating her good."

"She'll be fine Spike. They all love her." She watched as the buildings passed by lights burning as the sky started to lighten with the coming dawn.

"Do you think I did the right thing?" Her voice was barely above a whisper but she knew he could hear her.

"Is there a right thing? You did what you thought was best Buffy. Just like you always do." He was silent for a moment and Buffy was worried that he thought differently. "If I told you that there wasn't a right decision, that no matter what happened it still would end up wrong, would you still wonder if what you did was right?" He pulled the car into the parking lot of a seedy looking motel and turned off the engine. When he turned towards her she felt her breath hitch in her throat.

"Sometimes I think that we've all taken so much from you that there isn't much more you could give. And yet you keep trying and giving. What you did for the Bit was one of the most selfless things I've ever seen. So while I don't think there was a single right thing, I do believe that you did what was right for her." She let him take her hand in his. "You know how much I care about you Buffy, I can't hide that from you. But I would never hesitate to tell you when I think your makin' a bloody stupid mistake."

She had to smile at that. He really would tell her exactly what he thought. His honesty was something she had learned to rely on even before she had let them become friends. And yes while sometimes the truth was painful he never hid it from her.

"Thank you Spike." She squeezed his hand in return before letting it go.

"Lets get checked in and get some food."

"Now that sounds like a plan."

*******

While she had managed to avoid the trap of greasy fast food again the meal at the little chain restaurant still left something to be desired. But at least she was full as she made her way back to the room she was sharing with Spike. It was good that they were comfortable with each other, sharing one bed in a motel was a lot cheaper then getting two rooms.

She opened the door just far enough so that she could squeeze inside very conscious of the light that tried to follow her into the room. Closing the door softly she took a minute to let her eyes adjust to the darkness. She could see he was already sleeping on the bed. Quietly she took her bag into the bathroom and got into the shower.

She marveled at the simple changes in their relationship over the last few days. Sometimes she wondered if this all happened because he had finally broken through to her when she was at her lowest point or if getting her whole soul back had made her change so much. Mostly she knew it didn't matter but the little niggle at the back of her thoughts worried her. What if all the hateful things she had done the year before was because she was missing part of her soul? Or even worse what if the soul had nothing to do with it and she had done it anyway? Was that really who she was?

There were times in the middle of the night, or day depending on her sleep pattern, when that thought would rear its ugly head. She liked to think that she wasn't that type of person. That the good others saw in her was truly there. But when she looked back at every single instance she wasn't so sure.

She had failed each of her friends in turn. Had left her sister so desperate for attention she had turned to shoplifting and wishing that none of them could ever leave her house. And Spike. There were no words for the things she had done to him. If she had only used him, or simply hated him then maybe it wouldn't be so bad. But she had done so much worse.

In the last few days there were times when she would just watch him sleeping and try to comprehend how he could still love her. She had meant it when she had told him that she hated herself for what she did to him. It wasn't something she could easily get over. And even if the fact that he was a vampire had let her believe he couldn't have loved her she knew deep in her gut that he did have feelings. The fact that she had hurt him intentionally, hoping to grind the feelings out of him, was so evil and vindictive that she found herself praying that she wasn't that girl.

But she was. In her heart she knew that while he still clung to seeing the good and the light in her, she could feel the darkness too. It wasn't always noticeable and often it was buried deep but it was still there. How did the warrior of the light end up like this? Could she have been so bad before or was it the some of all the pain in her life that had drug it out.

She turned off the shower and began to dry herself off. Thoughts like these caused her nothing but heartache and she knew it. But her mind refused to let her move on from the subject. It was starting to be a maddening circle and truth be told she was a little tired of it. It really was the only thing she hadn't discussed with him. Three days of travel and she didn't have a very long life story. Besides he had been there for a good chunk of it. He didn't have that problem however. One tends to have a bit more to talk about if they've lived over a hundred years.

Dressed in a simple t-shirt and some shorts she finally pushed those troubling facts from her mind. They had no place in the head of sleepy girl any way and it was time for her to get some rest. She pulled the comforter back and slid into the sheets smiling a little as Spike turned towards her in his sleep. Getting comfortable at last she let her eyes drift shut.

*********

She felt better when she awoke to the sound of the shower running. It was still light outside judging from the glow on the curtains but she felt rested. She turned onto her back letting her mind drift in that place between sleep and wakefulness where one didn't have to think.

The sound of the bathroom door opening snapped her out of the trance she was in. It must have been closer to sleep then she realized. Propping herself onto her elbows she looked as he walked into the room.

"Hey."

"Hey pet. Sleep well?"

"Yep. And you?"

"Like the dead luv."

"Could that be cause you are dead?" She let out a snort. "So what's the plan?"

"Need to call the bloke to find out where we meet them. Other then that?" He shrugged.

She looked him over critically. "I think it's time you did your hair again."

"What are you jabberin' about woman?"

She gestured towards his head. "You, your hair when was the last time you did it?"

"I don't remember."

"Well trust me it's time."

"Does it really look that bad?" The note of insecurity in his voice was kind of endearing.

"No not if you want the two-tone look. Which by the way looks okay on you, but if your still going for Billy Idol than you need to do it." She thought for a minute. "By the way how did you ever know when to do it? I mean without the reflection and all."

"Had a lady that did it for me after Dru left. She came to see me when it was time to get it done. Lately I've had to kind of guess."

She thought about that for a minute. "Well I'll be more than happy to tell you. I'll even help you do it if you want."

He tilted his head at her she could tell he was asking her something without speaking.

"What I can't be seen with someone who's roots are showing now can I? I do have standards to maintain." The tease in her voice must have finally gotten to him as a wet towel hit her head. "Hey!"

He gave her a smirk and shrugged his shoulders making his way to the phone on the bedside table.

*********

When he had said that he knew a couple of guys that owed him a favor Buffy had for some reason pictured other humans. Thinking back she knew that it was kind of silly of her. So now she was sitting here watching as Spike called in his debts from another vampire and God help her a Chaos Demon. He had been right the antlers were majorly with the ewww.

They seemed to have most of it settled although she could tell they weren't the least bit happy about making these arrangements with the Slayer of all beings. She couldn't say she blamed them. Word got out and they would likely be toast. Not that it should really concern her but it did. The last few years of meeting demons she didn't have to kill was starting to get a little confusing.

She studied Spike as they talked really reading his body language. She could tell he was really tense but was trying to mask it with his swagger and bravado. He was really good at it. A stranger would have no idea and be totally intimidated.

She thought back to a time when they were still mortal enemies before they had made that little truce to send Angelus to hell. He was a very dangerous foe and at the time she had found it very hard to read him. It was something she had acknowledged years ago. If there was a vamp out there who could take her it would have been Spike. She had been lucky on more than one occasion with him and in some ways it was a good thing that he had had such a soft spot for Drusilla. Very likely that was the one thing she used that had kept her from being his third.

But she had to say as thrilling as it was for him to be her enemy it was even better now that he was an ally. She couldn't count the times when it was so much easier having someone watch her back that she didn't have to protect. Sure he still got injured and she could even say he got injured a lot but he wasn't like the others. There was always that fear in the back of her mind that they would end up dead inches away from her while she was helpless to stop it. And most of the time in a serious fight well the sleep of the unconscious had claimed them more than once. So yeah she was thankful that things had worked out as they had.

He was nodding at them and Buffy sensed that they were finally finished. She stood up and waited for him to join her.

"Well?" She asked as she fell in step beside him heading to where they had parked the Desoto.

" 'S all set up pet."

"What did you set up exactly?" She had to admit she was really curious.

"It's a surprise."

"Spike." She put as much of the irritation she felt into his name as she could.

"Nope gonna have to wait pet."

They drove a few blocks through town and Spike pulled the car up to a large brick building. She watched as he turned the car off and stepped out.

"Coming?"

She got out of the car and followed him up the few steps and into a lobby area. It wasn't the Ritz but the lobby was clean with fresh paint on the walls. The tile floor was a little worn but in good shape. She noted the line of mailboxes as they walked by and made their way to an old elevator. When the doors opened they stepped inside and Spike pushed the button for the fourth floor. The jerky rise of the elevator was kind of unsettling but it stopped at the designated floor and the doors slid open easily.

She followed him as he made his way down the narrow hallway. It was in the same condition as the lobby, well lived in but not in disrepair and it gave her kind of a warm homey feeling. He stopped in front of the third door and took out some keys from his pocket. Inserting one into the lock she was fascinated as the door swung open.

Stepping inside the apartment she took in a sharp breath. The doorway opened into a spacious living room one large window on the wall to her right. So she could tell they were in a corner apartment. The room was furnished and although nothing was fancy there was a couple of armchairs and a comfortable looking couch. In front of the couch was a small coffee table and beyond that was an older TV.

Looking to the left she saw the room opened up to a small kitchen and dining area. There was a small dinette set and she could hear the hum of the refrigerator working.

Straight ahead she could see partway down a hallway that had four doors. She glanced at Spike and saw that he was watching her reactions with a lot of concern and curiosity. Using her eyes to ask the question she only moved when he nodded at her.

Walking down the hallway she opened each of the doors in turn. The first was a hall closet not huge by any means but enough to hold a few simple towels and other linens. The second was a small guest bathroom. Standard tub/shower a toilet and sink. The room across from that was slightly bigger than her bedroom back home and was also furnished with a bed. Next to the bed was a simple nightstand and a small dresser. Opening the last door she was surprised at the size of what seemed to be the master bedroom. It was larger than her mother's old room and was also fully furnished. There was one window on the far wall and the bed was to the right of it. The room also had a small nightstand and dresser as well and a comfy looking chair in the corner. On the wall opposite the window there were two doors. The first held what was the master bath and unlike the one in the hallway it was a good size. What caught her eye though was the large size tub that the room was built around. The other door held a walk in closet that was easily twice the size of the one she had had in Sunnydale.

She turned in wonder to find Spike standing directly behind her.

"What do you think luv?"

"What? I mean how? What?" Okay she was having a lot of trouble with coherent thoughts.

"Can I take it that you like it then?"

She could only nod her head enthusiastically in response. Taking her hand he pressed the keys into her palm.

"Then it’s yours."

She glanced down to the keys in her hand and back up to his face.

"Are you serious?"

When he nodded at her suddenly she could begin to think again.

"Spike I can't take this. It's way too much."

"It's already in your name pet. Rents due the first of the month and you pay the electric, cable and phone."

"Really I can't..."

"Don't."

She looked at him seeing the apprehension in his features. Nodding slowly she let her fingers curl around the keys.

"I don't even know how to thank you."

"There's a bit more."

"More than this?"

"You have a job at the video store round the corner. Starts at minimum wage but the hours are two to ten. Should work nicely with patrolling."

"Spike how is this possible?"

"Told you those blokes owed me. 'S not much." He shrugged at her.

"Do I even want to know what you did that they owed you this much? Spike..." She looked straight into his eyes. "Really thank you. I don't know what else to say."

"Just tell me you like it."

"Spike I love it."

"Good enough then. Lets say we go get our things from the car?"

It didn't take them very long to move their few meager belongings into the new apartment. And it took even less time for them to unpack them.

"Spike how is it possible that these guys could set this up?" She was reclining on the couch happy that she didn't have to spend any more time in the car.

"This isn't Sunnydale pet. Things work a little differently here. Cleveland has a pretty big demon community that’s fairly harmless. This part of town is pretty much demon owned."

"So mostly they're upstanding members of the community? Why is it so different here then things weren't like that in Sunnydale."

"Not all demons are interested in death and destruction. Most just want the chance to have a regular life. Sunnydale's always been where the troublemakers head. 'S why I headed out there myself."

"You mean 'cause the Slayer was there. Does that mean I'm gonna mess things up here too?"

He flopped himself down in the armchair closest to her.

"No. Means that if a big bad did come to town they would want you to know about it. You'll have reliable information and won't have to stoop to goin' to a place like Willie's."

She looked at him seriously for a moment.

"Spike are you going to stay?"

He seemed to give the thought serious consideration before answering.

"Buffy I'll stay as long as you want me around. And probably a little longer. Is that okay with you?"

"Would I have asked you to come if it wasn't? I'm glad you're here and not just because of this." She gestured around at the apartment.

"Thanks."
 

Chapter 6:

For days now Dawn had run to the mailbox as the postman had stopped by. She wasn't sure if she was that anxious for the letter she knew her sister would be sending or if she was just so desperate to keep the others from seeing it.

Buffy had been right of course and the gang had gone all ballistic the moment she had told them that Spike was with her. The yelling seemed to go on for days and Dawn wasn't really sure what they were more upset about. The fact that she chose leave or that Spike had gone with her.

It had finally gotten on her last nerve the night before as everyone was eating some dinner. She had to admit that the house had started to get a little quieter now that some of the potentials had begun to go home. She even could get up from her bed and not have to step over the bodies of girls to make her way to the bathroom and that was definitely of the good. But the somber mood that swirled around the core group was almost unbearable to be around.

Of course Xander had started the yelling fest as he usually did and she had wondered why the hell she had ever had a crush on the guy. He was so hypocritical and down right bigoted against demons in general that he couldn't see the large gray area she had started to notice when Spike had become her friend. So he had ranted about how Buffy was spending time with the evil undead and was giving up on her duties protecting the hellmouth and raising her. Thought she was totally irresponsible leaving Dawn to be taken care of by Giles and moving to God knows where. Soon of course the others had chimed in with there own thoughts about what her sister did and how wrong it was, the arguments going back and forth over and over again. After the fifth or sixth reference to her sister throwing her life away and not following her calling she had finally broken.

It was good that she was still so young in a way. She hated to think what the house would have been like had she been a few years older and as set in her ways as they were. But she wasn't and it hadn't really taken her that much time to actually see what was going on around her.

"That's enough!" It had been good to give a good solid yell one that wasn't accompanied by that ear-piercing wail she used to use. "If I have to hear any of you say one more bad thing about Buffy or Spike I'm gonna scream. Do you think this is what she actually wanted? That she was gonna leave her home and her friends and everything she cared about behind and be happy about it?" She had retaken her seat in her chair letting her voice return to normal. She wasn't sure if they were too stunned to talk or if they held their tongue because some of what she said struck a nerve with them.

"She's been gone for almost a week now and all you guys do is bicker over the fact that Spike went with her. You think she left the Hellmouth unguarded and let me fend for myself. Did you guys not pay any attention to what she's done? She still took care of me. Yeah she's not here but it's not like we gave her much of a choice is it? So she did what she could and had a responsible adult take up as my guardian. She took care of all the financial stuff that I had no clue about and Giles didn't even know. She made sure she took out the latest Big Bad and left before the next one came to town to look for her." She took a deep breath. "I know that in her heart she did what was best for all of us just like she always did. And I don't know about you but it hurts when I think about what we said to her. Do you think it hurt her any less that we used words to throw her out of her own house?"

"The point is we did this to her. She didn't ask for it and she didn't deserve it. I don't know what it is about you guys. Is it because she didn't say goodbye to you or that she thinks she can make a life without you in it? Cause given the fact that we all turned on her like a bunch of injured animals I wouldn't want us in my life either. So be mad if you want not that it will do any good and feel free to take on as much guilt as you can carry cause that's what I'm doing, but I'm not going to sit here and listen to you guys bash her for leaving. And even though you guys don't want to hear it maybe it is a good thing that Spike is going with her. He's the only one she can still trust and if its true that he can help her well that makes sense doesn't it? So this is the last thing I care to say about this. She is still my sister and I still love her. If she can manage to find even a little scrap of happiness out there then good for her. I think her life has been hard enough already. When you guys are ready to act like the adults your supposed to be then you can come talk to me."

She had walked out of the room her head held high, the silence behind her easing her mind.

No one had spoken to her all morning and for some strange reason Dawn was okay with that. It wasn't like they were never going to talk to her again but they needed time to get their own thoughts straight.

Pulling the mail out of the box she was glad to see the small envelope in her sisters scrawl. Dumping the other mail back inside of the mailbox she took the letter and sat with her back against the tree Buffy used to use to get in and out of her window.

*******

Hey Dawnie,

Told you I would write. Where to start? Okay. First I'm gonna tell you that I'm in Cleveland. Giles can take a deep breath and relax this Slayer is still guarding over a hellmouth. It is after all my destiny blah blah blah. It's different here not like Sunnydale at all and I think I'm gonna like it.

So I thought long and hard about this Dawn and I'm thinking that I shouldn't give you my full address. Now don't do that hear me out. I think the overwhelming temptation for you to come to wherever I am is something that is only going to get stronger as time goes by. And I know you Dawnie. The others might not realize it but you are the sneakiest girl I know. So this way the temptation isn't all there. At least you know what city I'm in. So how do we keep in touch you ask? Well I thought I would go ahead and keep sending you these letters to the house and if you want you can have Xander take whatever you want to send to Willie's (Don't you dare go yourself you know it's too dangerous) Spike and I've set up a system that will get it to us. Tell Xan and Giles its useless for them to try to get it out of Willy this goes way passed him and we didn't give him any info. Please like he could keep a secret he's worse than Andrew.

So what else? Oh Spike got us this terrific two-bedroom apartment. I love it Dawn it's gorgeous. I never thought that he would have such good connections but wow. Anyway it was already furnished and everything.

He got me a job too. No working at the Doublemeat for me. I could almost squeal. It's at a video store, which is so up my alley the hours are perfect 2-10 not too early and I get out early enough to take care of patrolling. And hello free rentals! My boss is nice and hey any thing beats not having to smell like grease.

Spike has decided to stay and I'm kind of glad. I really would miss him if he left you know? I know big turn around huh? But it's true. We've been talking and I think I've finally found someone I don't have to be all avoidy with you know? Who knew that Spike of all people would make such a great friend? Well probably you. I wish I had listened to you more about that. Sometimes I get a little jealous with the way you seem to be able to read people. It was something Mom was good at too. Guess I missed that little piece of the gene pool.

I hope everyone is treating you okay. I know that they've probably been with the yelling and the screaming with me and I know that is not so pleasant. I don't know how you feel about any of this and I hope that one day you'll at least understand why I did the things I did. Cause you know as far as I know you could have torn this letter up with the first paragraph. But I hope not.

I love you and I miss my bratty little sister. I hope you know that I will be waiting to hear from you. Picture me sitting in front of the mailbox just staring at it day and night until I get a letter. But I'll understand if you don't want too.

I should go now today I have to go to work and afterwards Spike and I are going on our first patrol out here. Tell everyone that I'm okay and I think about them. (Still mad and hurt though) Someday soon I hope to get up enough nerve to talk to them and tell you the truth it will probably be Willow first. But you probably knew that. Don't let them drive you too crazy.

I love you and I will write again soon I promise.

Love,

Buffy


******

Without even realizing she had flown into the house and up the stairs to her room. Digging around she finally found a pen and some paper. She flounced herself on the bed and began to write
 

Chapter 7:

God she was bored. Not just the I haven't done anything lately kind of bored but the I'm-stuck-in-the-house-with-nothing-to-do-and-oodles-of-energy kind of bored.

She had straightened the living room, paced the apartment like six times, rearranged their meager video collection three times, tried hard to get involved in an episode of Jerry Springer, wrote her sister a letter ripped it up and wrote a second letter. Nothing was holding her interest in the slightest.

The only thing of course that would be worse is the fact that she didn't have to work tonight, it was pouring buckets outside so she couldn't go slay anything and her vampire roommate was still sleeping even though it was nearing seven-thirty. She knew it was close to dusk and he was still shut away in his room. Meaning that she had to keep trying to be quiet and after six straight hours of boredom it was wearing on her nerves.

She had thought about going out anywhere really just to get out of the apartment but having only been here for a week she was still a little unsure about finding her own way around.

So here she was stuck in the apartment feeling slightly more like a caged animal as each second ticked by.

Grunting in frustration she had finally had enough and made her way back to her room to get her coat. Wet or not she was going to find something to beat the hell out of and get rid of this sudden burst of energy she was gifted with. Shrugging it onto her shoulders she fumbled her keys into her hand and walked out of the door.

As she stepped out onto the street she immediately started to grumble as her shoes and socks soon became soaked. Even though they only lived a few blocks from the nearest cemetery the walk seemed to take forever. The rain beating in her face and her feet constantly stepping into puddles gave her the feeling that this wasn't one of her better ideas. But it was too late now she was out here and she may as well make the best of it.

But her luck, as in bad, was still holding and try as she might there wasn't a thing that she could sink a stake into about. Maybe they were all tucked away from the rain like she should have been. Irony thy name is Buffy.

A half hour of trudging through wet grass and mud was a half hour way too much and dejected she began to make her way back home. Her pace was quick her shoulders hunched as the drenching rain made its way past her flimsy coat to run down her neck and soak the rest of her. With a few choice mumbles about uncooperative members of the undead she opened the door of the apartment.

Peeling her useless coat off she hung it on the hook on the back of the door. Sighing at the way her wet clothes were clinging to her skin she toed off her shoes and turned around.

He was finally up she noticed.

"Spike, hi-" the rest of the words died in her throat as she took in the sight before her.

He was standing in the center of the living room. There were streams of tears tracking down his face, the drops falling from his chin and his thin frame was trembling slightly. But it was his eyes she noticed. The blue orbs that she had seen glare with rage, shine with sadness, light with glee, cloud with passion and sparkle with mirth were staring at her blankly. She could read nothing in those eyes now.

"Spike?" He showed no sign of having heard her or even that she had walked into the room.

Without a response she was unsure of what to do. She took a few steps closer and tried again. "Spike?"

He still didn't respond and she kept moving forward unable to tear her eyes away from his. Standing in front of him now she reached out with a hesitant hand barely touching his arm.

"Spike what is it?" She was unsure if it was the sound of her voice or the touch of her hand that finally reached him but it really didn't matter.

"Buffy." The sound of her name was almost drowned out by the sobs that started to rip through his throat. He had dropped to his knees, his arms reaching around her blindly, his head pressed against her waist as his body was racked with the force of his tears.

She was shocked for a moment still uncertain of how to respond to him. Kicking herself mentally, she ran her hand through his hair and murmured words of comfort to him. She interspersed reassuring him with the occasional query of what was so wrong. Buffy lost all track of time as he sobbed into her.

When it seemed that his shaking was less she took her finger and tilted his chin so he could look at her.

"Spike come on and sit on the couch okay?" At his weak nod she helped him to his feet and led him over to the couch. When he was sitting she placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "I'm just going to put on some dry clothes and I'll be right back promise."

He looked at her like he was seeing her for the first time. "You're wet." His voice was hoarse from the crying.

She gave him a gentle nod. "It's raining. I'll be right back okay?" His head had dropped again and she left the room, headed for her bedroom.

Once inside she dressed quickly barely glancing at the sweats and t-shirt she slipped into. Running a towel quickly through her wet hair she tossed it aside unwilling to leave him alone for to long.

As she walked back into the living room she watched him as he sat, his legs pulled up to his chest head buried in his knees.
She stood in front of him for a moment wondering what she should do. At a complete loss of what would be the best thing to do for him when she didn't even know what was wrong. It was hard to admit but the way he was acting was starting to scare her just a bit.

Her hand had found its own way back to his shoulder and she was glad to see him focus on her with the contact.

"Spike would you like some hot chocolate? It won't be as good as Mom made but it'll work." She felt a sudden feeling of relief that she was channeling her mother. Her Mom had always known what to do to make others feel warm and comforted. It was a gift Buffy was sure she would never have. It's sudden appearance here was welcome because she really had no idea how to help him.

"It won't take a minute." She squeezed his shoulder and walked into the kitchen quickly grabbing a pot. As it heated she searched the cupboards not really thinking about what she was looking for. When she reached the third one she was surprised to see a package of the little marshmallows her mom had kept around just for Spike. She wondered when she had picked that up. They had only been to the grocery store twice since they had moved in and she couldn't recall purchasing them. Shrugging and feeling that it so didn't matter right at the moment she poured the drinks into two mugs and added the puffy treats. Grabbing a box of tissues also she headed back into the room.

Setting the items on the coffee table she sat down next to him. She gave him a moment as he took the mug and sipped at the warm liquid. When he had replaced it on the table she turned towards him slightly.

"Spike what is it?" What happened?"

The haunted look in his eyes was tearing at her insides.

"Dru." Even though she hadn't any clue about what had caused such a massive amount of grief from him the name still took her aback a bit. As the last bit of her name passed his lips his tears started again.

Now her hand had found its way to his knee.

"What about Drusilla, Spike?"

"She's... She's... Oh God." The tears were a torrent now.

"Spike?" When had her voice gotten so soft, so full of compassion?

"She's dead." As his sobs began she instinctively pulled him against her, holding him tightly. His head was buried in her chest, his tear choked gasps pulling at her heart. She gently rocked him unable to say anything even remotely sensible hoping that her presence would be enough.

She waited patiently as he struggled to regain control of himself. With his last shaky breath she pulled away slightly reaching for a tissue. Handing it to him she watched as he wiped the water from his face.

"When? How?" Stupid questions she knew but it was the only thing she could ask.

"She was my Sire Buffy. Felt it. Like some bloke took a knife and gutted me in my sleep. Woke up that way." Satisfied that for the moment he would be able to talk she let him have a little more space.

"What do you mean you felt it?" Even though it was questioning her voice still had that same soft quality she had always associated with her mom.

"Bleedin' vampire ain't I? Felt it through our bond." His eyes were red rimmed from the shed tears and his voice was rough and tired.

"I'm sorry." It surprised her that she actually was. Not that Drusilla was dead of course. That wouldn't be right. She was still an evil murdering vampire and truth be told Buffy had never gotten over the fact that Spike's old flame had slashed Kendra's throat. Not to mention the little fiasco two years ago in his crypt. Dru had been all for the killing off of Slayers. The other thing she wouldn't tell anyone is that she had wished she had gotten the chance to take on the demented vamp herself. After all she was the only one left who she could blame the whole Acaltha thing on. She couldn't hold it against Angel and he had gone to hell because of it. And Spike had helped her stop Angelus so that left Dru. The last member of an evil foursome that wasn't so much with the evil any more.

But she was sorry for him. That it affected him this much and caused him this much pain.

She didn't need to question why. It didn't take a rocket scientist to know that he had cared deeply about the raving loon for more than a century. And even though Buffy was certain now that he was no longer in love with her didn't mean that he didn't love her at all. Her concern for her friend grew as she could feel the stirrings of long forgotten memory. She knew exactly what it was like to lose someone you loved.

His head was tilted to her and she wasn't quite sure if it was in surprise or acknowledgement.

"Is there anything I can do?"

He seemed taken aback by the question. "No luv. But thank you."

"Can I ask something? You don't have to answer if you don't want to."

"Go ahead pet."

"Why I mean how is it so different for you. Not that I'm comparing the two of you but when Angel and Darla..." She didn't quite know how to finish wording the question.

"I forgot that you were there for that. You mean why could Angel sink a stake into his Sire and walk away?" She nodded. "The Sire/Childe bond is what you first feel when you wake up as a vamp, that and the need to feed. Sires use it to control and teach the Childe but like any other bond if we don't renew it once in awhile it can fade. It'll still be there but not as strong. Peaches hadn't renewed with Darla in over a hundred years pet. Bloody soul made her toss him out. But Dru and I..." She looked on as his face grimaced with pain. "It's only been five years. Our bond was still very strong. We used to renew it quite often."

"So you could still sense her through it?"

He nodded his composure seemed to be slipping. "Just enough to know if she was close by or when.."

Her hand went back to his knee and gave him a gentle pat. "Do you want something to eat?"

Swift and sudden change of topic. He blinked twice at her. "No. Don't think I could eat anything."

"Do you want me to go?"

"I don't understand."

"Well I mean if you wanted to be alone I could..."

"No I don't understand why you're like this."

She looked deep into his eyes wishing for the world that she could help erase the pain in them.

"Because you're my friend Spike. Because I care."

The answer seemed to satisfy him.

"Could you stay? Don't really want to be alone right now."

"Sure." She repositioned herself against the back of the sofa.

Not the least bit surprised when his head came to rest on her shoulder she placed a welcoming arm around his shoulders.

Chapter 8:

Two slow painful months had gone by and while her everyday life looked good to anyone from the outside, the deeper part of her was filled with sorrow.

Two months while she had watched her newest and closest friend fight the grief that seemed to surround him like a dark shroud. Two long months while she watched the animated teasing cocky male she shared her apartment with draw further into himself until he was merely a quiet presence in a back room. Two agonizing months as she watched him withdraw further away.

She didn't know what to do. She understood some of his pain. She truly did. Remembered nights of haunted dreams and the long painful days knowing she had sent someone she loved to hell itself. Remembered the furious wish to start life anew and her headlong run into a mind numbing existence in LA that summer. Before she was sent to hell of course.

But that kind of pain she understood a little to well.

So she had been there for him. Waited to see if he wanted to talk and gave him space when he seemed to need it.

What she couldn't do was help him. She was more than aware that if he had been with any one else or if things had not changed between them like they had, he could have very well snapped and done something extremely stupid. Not that she thought she was helping him in the least.

Buffy had tried to draw him out. Let him talk about his feelings for Drusilla, give him someone that would listen, but resisted the gentle prodding she had done. She wasn't sure if it was because the memories he had with her were often integrated with their feeding and he wanted to spare her some of that, or if he was in complete denial of how important she still was in his life.

She hadn't understood how much their bond really meant of course and it was understandable after all she wasn't a vamp and it was something she only had a vague knowledge about.

After two weeks she really did want to understand. If anything so she could be there for him, lord knew that he had been there for her.

So mustering some courage she had found an out of the way bookshop that wasn't demon run but operated in the center of the demon area she lived in. It was small and kind of cozy. Like bookstores were really meant to be instead of the huge monstrosities they were now with the coffee shops and everything. Not that she minded a good cup of caffeine but this was better.

It was kind of homey she had realized and while she wasn't there for anything normal it wouldn't have bothered her to look for regular reading material here. If she used regular reading material.

She had introduced herself to the shopkeeper, who she found to her surprise, was completely human. Jeff was good looking in a quiet sort of way, medium build, a bit on the thin side, light brown hair and green eyes. She had noticed his keen interest in her as soon as she had walked into the store and was relieved to find that he knew exactly who she was.

Of course most of Cleveland knew she was the Slayer she had discovered and for once she was glad that the need for pretense was gone. It was damn hard keeping her identity secret.

She had asked for books centering on the subject and was only slightly amused at the raised brow that greeted her request. But he had said nothing instead turning the correct books over to her. She had found a quiet corner with a chair and had begun to read.

It had amazed her how little she actually did know about the lives of vampires. How could she have spent so much time hunting and slaying them without knowing any of this? But the better question was how could she be intimately familiar with two master vampires and not know? Did she not want to? Sometimes thoughts like these were what made her head hurt.

She had gone back everyday for a week researching and learning what it was that Spike was trying to deal with on his own. Jeff never questioned and always had each book pulled for her before she could ask. And research while never her strong point on the best of days was telling her something she should have known right away.

The fact that she had been thinking about this solidly for another month now wasn't easy on her. But she had wanted to make sure that what she thought would help actually would. And as his despair seemed to grow she couldn't help but kick herself for not moving faster.

So today she had waited for Spike to leave the apartment, which he rarely did, to stop by the butchers. Once he was gone she went into her purse and dug out the phone number she had prayed she would never use.

"Wolfram and Hart. How may I direct your call?"

"I need to speak to Angel please."

"Please hold." Even evil law firms still used really bad hold music.

She had been shocked when she had read the second letter from her sister telling her that Angel had heard of the victory over the first and wanted to see her. Dawn had said the look of surprise on his face was priceless when she had explained what had happened. And though Dawn had always disliked Angel she knew that if she wasn't forth coming with her sister's ex and told him what she knew that he would continue to darken her doorstep. Her sister had been very thankful that Buffy had only given her the tiniest bit of info about where she was. It got her off the hook quickly. But Buffy had choked on the news of his sudden new employment at the head of the worlds most evil law firm.

"Wolfram and Hart Angel's office." It couldn't be. Could it? Best to ignore it for now.

"Can I speak to Angel please?"

"Angel."

"I need a favor."

"Buffy?"

"Yeah."

"Where the hell are you? What's going on?"

"Look Angel I haven't got a lot of time and I know this is going to be awkward, so can we just skip all this please."

"What are you talking about? And where did you disappear to?" She had a feeling that her temper was about to flare out of control.

"Forget it." She ground the words out through clenched teeth. "This call was only made for one purpose and this was not it. So I need you to stop with the questions already and let me ask my favor."

"Sorry." She could almost see his face drop into brood mode. Maybe she had spent a little too much time with Spike. "What do you need Buffy?"

"You're not going to like it but I'm gonna need you to deal. This is way to important to me."

"And?"

She took a deep breath collecting her thoughts once more.

"In a couple of hours you're going to receive a phone call from Spike." The words had no sooner left her mouth than the ranting started on the other end.

"Why would I want to talk to Captain Peroxide? And why the hell did you leave Sunnydale with him of all people? Have you seriously lost your mind Buffy?"

One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Why did people count to ten anyway? She was still just as mad.

"ANGEL. DROP IT AND LISTEN." Ahh her trusty Slayer voice.

The silence on the other end of the phone let her go on.

"When he calls I want you to talk to him. He's hurting Angel. Drusilla's death is killing him and I don't know what to do. You’re the last member of his family and his Grandsire. He needs you right now."

"How bad is he?" The words were almost too quiet to hear over the long distance buzz in the phone line.

"He's not good. He's barely feeding and he hardly speaks at all."

"The quiet would be good for a change."

"So help me Angel." she took another deep breath. "I need you to help him. You're the only one that can."

"Tell me why I should bother."

"Oh let me think. Maybe cause you’re the one who drove Drusilla insane and sired her. Or because after she sired Spike you made him into a ruthless killer. Or how about the fact that you've ignored you're Childer for the last ohh say hundred years while you got to feel guilty about your soul. Oh here's a good one. The fact that I want you to help him because he's someone I care about. Does it really matter? Just do it Angel."

"Alright Buffy I'll talk to him. But that's all I'll promise."

"It's enough for now."

"You really care that much about him?"

"He's my friend Angel. Yes I do and it hurts seeing him like this."

"Okay."

"Thank you."

"Are you going to tell me where you are exactly?"

"Come on Angel you know I'm in Cleveland, I know Dawn told you. Besides it shouldn't be to hard to find with all the resources you have now."

"Buffy."

"I'm sorry Angel but I can't do this right now. I have to go."

"Will you call again?"

"Maybe I don't know."

"If you need anything..."

"Thanks but I've got to go now."

"Take care Buffy."

"You too."

Setting the phone back into the cradle she let out a long deep sigh. She was tired and emotionally she was barely hanging on. For months Spike had been her support system against her friends, the potentials filling her house and the upheaval of fighting a serious Big Bad she didn't know that she could defeat.

However she hadn't had that in the last two months and she had tried for both of their sakes to be his support system. But it was hard. Much harder than she ever though possible. And watching his slow downward spiral into grief was hurting her more than she could really stand. It was what needed to be done though and that was what she always did. So she refused to let herself slip into mind numbing depression and was strong for him. Because that was what true friends did.

Calling Angel had been a last resort. Just getting the two of them talking together was going to be a task in itself. And actually the phone conversation with him had gone easier than she had anticipated. But her real challenge was still yet to walk back in the door.

She sat for another half an hour waiting for him. Dreading what she was going to have to do. Spike hated Angel. She had known that for a long time. She hadn't understood the reasons behind it until just recently but it was there just the same. That she would push him to go to the older vamp for help was not going to go over well.

Her dread grew as she heard his key slip into the lock. Green eyes watching wearily as he began to put the blood in the fridge. Drawing in a deep breath she stood up.

"Spike can I talk to you?"

He cocked his head towards her and his eyes flashed with sudden annoyance. It was always close to the surface now, how annoyed he could get with her, and even though she understood it was some of the way he was trying to cope it didn't hurt any less. Often times she thought that he looked at her the same way he used to look at Xander and that wasn't a really pretty thought.

She waited for him to walk into the living room and sat back down onto the couch. Once he was seated she tensed for a second before speaking.

"I'm gonna ask for a couple of favors from you okay?" When he didn't speak she continued. "First I need you to listen to what I have to say. Even if it does piss you off and it probably will. All I want is for you to hear me out. Do you think you can do that?"

"No promises pet." He hadn't called her that in forever.

"Okay." Another deep breath and words she knew were either going to help them or drive a wedge between them forever began to flow out of her mouth.

"Spike I know your hurting and I want to help you. But I can't. Not the way you need to be helped. This isn't just the human part of you that's in mourning. Your demon is in pain and I can't help you with that. You need someone who can."

She watched his eyes coolly study her for some sort of sign to what she meant.

"There isn't anyone."

Time to bite the bullet. "Yes there is. Spike you've still got part of your family left."

"No their all dead now."

Steady. "Angel is still alive Spike."

She watched as amber flashed dangerously in his eyes. His tongue was held in check so she began again.

"I know that you hate him and I understand as much as someone from outside can understand, but he's your Grandsire Spike and he can help you."

"Are you done?" The words weren't spoken they were snarled at her.

"Almost." He was quiet again. "I care about you Spike and it hurts me seeing you like this. Just think about it."

"Finished?" The word was issued with full fury. She closed her eyes and opened them again slowly.

"Yes."

"Then we're done here." He turned to step out of the room.

It was time to let it all out then.

"I would have staked her myself you know."

He turned slowly back around and she could see his hands clenched at his sides.

"I wouldn't say anything else." But she needed to.

"If I'd had the chance I would have. I've thought about it for years you know." Two short strides and he was grabbing her arms tightly.

She tried not to wince at the feeling of his fingers digging into her flesh.

"I said-"

"I heard you. Do you know why you even feel this way? You want me to clue you in Spikey?" Oh god how much this was killing her.

"The human part of you, the one you hide from everybody, William still loved Dru. He truly did and he's grieving. But that's okay and that's normal and with time it'll get better." She could feel his eyes burning into her with something close to hate. It was okay. She hated herself too. "But the demon. He's pissed. He's angry because you didn't do the one thing you did for over a century. You didn't protect her."

He snarled and pushed her away from him.

"You were here in your own little world playing house with the Slayer of all things while she was out there alone facing God only knows what. Living out your own little fantasy while your Sire was fighting for her life and losing." Was there such a thing as degrees of hate when it was about yourself? With each word she could feel it pile into her chest. The pain in her heart was like a lead weight. But she would finish get through with what needed to be done because she had to. For him.

He was inches from her face now and the amber wasn't just flashing anymore.

"Your demon is in pain because it failed. Failed at the one thing it was supposed to do."

"What the bloody hell do you know about anything you bint? You think I choose to stay away from her. She was the one that pushed me away."

"Just like all the others wasn't she? Me, her, that girl that scorned William and broke his heart all those years ago. Hell Harmony even dumped you. But that's why it hurts so much isn't it. Because no matter what you do you can't seem to keep the girl."

She watched his fist finally rise into the air and closed her eyes.

"Do it Spike." She said the words quietly and reopened her eyes. "Go on hit me."

He snarled and grabbed he roughly by the shirt holding her in place. But she didn't move. She hardly breathed as she waited for his decision.

"You know you want to. Go ahead do it." He seemed to look into the quiet acceptance of her face and think. His eyes flickering between her and the fist he had in the air. Back and forth she watched as his eyes slid from one to the other.

Finally he pushed her away and she flopped ungracefully onto the couch.

"Why are you doing this?" The words still contained the fury she'd seen but they asked the right question.

"Because the Spike I care about isn't here. He's buried somewhere in the shell that's standing in my living room and I don't know how else to reach him. If you get mad, haul off and hit me at least I know you’re still alive in there. Anything to give me some type of clue that he still exists." She could feel tears coming down her face now. It was almost over she knew, she just had to hold out a little longer. "So go ahead I'll be your own personal punching bag if that's what it takes and for an extra bonus I won't even hit back."

His eyes seemed to take her face in for the first time. And she felt a little sprig of hope settle into her chest.

He sunk bonelessly to the floor his blue eyes never leaving her face.

"Buffy bloody fuckin' hell what was I going to do?"

"What your demon needs you to do. Either fight and kill until it’s satisfied or bond with family and grieve together. Until you do one or the other you won't be able to heal and you'll just continue to slip away. And God help me Spike but I've tried and I can't watch you lose yourself this way, it hurts too much. I'd rather be dead. So choose. Take it out on me or call Angel. It's up to you."

The fury seemed to drain out of his face and a look of wide-eyed horror take its place.

"What are you sayin' that you want me to-"

"You heard what I said. At least if it's me I don't have to worry about all the innocent people on the other side of that door. You're so close to the edge now. It wouldn’t take much to push you over and with your demon in a blind rage do you really think the part of you that wants to stop will be able too? So decide."

His face went slack and his eyes glazed over as he began to think. Buffy kept chanting to herself that it was almost over. The word soon echoed over and over in her mind.

She watched as he focused back on her a decision made.

"How do I get in touch with the Poof?"

She walked to the phone and grabbed it and the slip of paper she had used earlier. Handing them to him silently she went into the kitchen and made a quick cup of tea. She barely heard him ask for Angel before she made it to her room.

Sitting on the bed she put her back against the headboard and drew her legs up to her chest clasping her hands around them. She rocked herself gently while she sat in the dark and waited.

Buffy was unsure how much time had passed before she heard a timid tap on her door.

"Come in Spike."

The hesitant steps he took towards her bed gave her a chance to uncurl her legs.

"I'm going to LA."

She had thought that might be the outcome. And it was the one that held the most promise. She nodded her head slowly.

"When do you leave?"

"Couple a hours. Peaches has a private jet and all."

She really had nothing to say to that.

"Buffy, pet I'm-"

"Don't Spike. Don't apologize I pushed you intentionally it's not your fault."

"But-"

"No. Just don't okay? Do you want me to see you off?"

" 'Salright I think I can manage on my own." She nodded again.

He turned and headed out of her room.

With the door closed she was surrounded by darkness again. She curled herself up into a ball on the bed and finally let the tears come.

Chapter 9:

The first month that he had been gone she had settled into a welcoming routine. Work was good for her, she had an understanding boss and getting time off to slay something that had crawled into town was no problem for once. She went patrolling in the early evenings sometimes finding an evil creature and some nights there weren't any.

But it was the hours in between when she was at the apartment that the unwelcome feeling came sweeping into her core.

As each day had passed she had finally realized that now, even though she was the longest lived Slayer ever, she had become just like them. She was alone.

But she dealt cause she had to.

As the second month started to drag by she found herself at Jeff's shop more often before she started work. She had found that she could find a little escape in reading for joy. Something she wouldn't have considered when she had still been in school and it would have been something she would have had no time to do with her friends and sister around. Jeff was nice and always left the corner chair she liked empty just for her. He had even recommended a few books and to her surprise she had enjoyed them.

But with this quiet escape came the fact that the message she had wanted the demon world to get was finally out. It seemed that they knew she had relocated and they were starting to come out of the woodwork. Where before she had occasional nights of no slayage that was past her now. There was something every night.

The pattern continued however. The time she spent on her own in the apartment always reminded her of just how alone she was.

When the third month had begun and she still hadn't heard from Spike she had the guts to finally realize that she might have gone to far. It didn't matter that she had done what he needed, not to her, she had manipulated his feelings into a reaction she could use. Drove him to a point that would get through to his ruined psyche, in the hope he would seek help. Hey maybe she had learned something from Maggie Walsh after all. The heart of the matter wasn't what she felt about any of it though. It was entirely possible that she had finally done the one thing that even he thought she would never do. She had finally managed to drive him away.

After a week or two of letting that horrible sentiment wash into her soul she found that she wasn't at all surprised. He wasn't the first man she had driven from her life in one form or another and he just might be the last.

She didn't waste time trying to kid herself. Buffy knew that her heart was a wounded animal and she wouldn't let some stranger inside to try and get a piece of it. It had been guarded well by her head the last few years and she wouldn't soon give that up. No, new people and her feelings were worlds that were sure never to collide.

So in everyday interaction she talked to people she encountered but never about anything personal and whenever such topics would appear she would change the subject. Closing herself off from people was the only guarantee that they couldn't hurt her.

But in a way it was what drove her to be so open with her sister. The letters they traded became more frequent and she found that she was telling Dawn everything she was experiencing good or bad, and rehashing the past she thought she would never share. They had started to call each other and it was soothing listening to her sister's voice. Buffy still hadn't talked to Willow but she knew that she would soon. With every passing day the ache she felt at their treatment that one night was fading just a little.

As the fall colors began to show on the trees she dragged herself through month number four.

This month was different however and it wasn't different in a good way either.

Some things remained the same. She still kept to herself only sharing when communicating with her sister and she still had no news about Spike.

Wondering about him was almost like an obsession, probably because it had been so long now. The fact that Angel had yet to speak to her either let her hold on to the hope that whatever happened the two of them had found some way to meet in a middle ground and let Spike heal. Her hope kept her from making a call to that solitary number pinned up on her wall by the phone. Calling would undoubtedly confirm what she already knew. He was fine he just didn't wish to speak to her.
It was to soon for that thought to be made real, too painful a reality.

Denial was still a much more comfortable place to be.

And even though she was working less and slaying more, an added advantage when your boss knows you're the Slayer and wants his city and family protected while paying you no less, the regular drum beat of her life kept going.

But the dreams had started almost as the first leaf started to fall from the trees, letting October tumble into November.

It was a Slayer dream. Well she had had enough of them to be able to tell. But different was the order of the times and for the first time ever they were reoccurring. She woke every night clutching at her stomach sitting up in bed. Some nights she would cry and others she knew her scream was waking the people that lived in the building. But the dream was the same.

She stood in a large cavern her hands tightly clutching an ornate dagger, facing the snarling face of a demon she had never seen before. It was close to seven feet tall, deep red skin rippled along a thickly muscled form. While it stood on two legs it's four arms moved threateningly, two of which brandished weapons. The single horn that protruded from its forehead made it look like a charging rhino, at least that was her impression of it.

The movements of their fight were fluid neither gaining much ground until Buffy could sense a presence behind her. It was something that drew all of her attention and no matter how much she focused she couldn't figure out who or what it was. But the distraction was enough for the creature to take the advantage. It was like fire as the sword it held sunk into her chest and slid down to her stomach. The sensation of pain was realistic enough and it was that feeling that caused her to wake.

Tonight was no different as she sat panting, trying to bring herself under control. There was something she remembered this time though and she fumbled on her nightstand for a pen and her notebook. Quickly before it could fade she drew the symbol she had seen on the demon's chest. For good measure she sketched the dagger she had held in her dream as well. Finished she closed her eyes for a moment and let her body relax.

It was then that she heard it. A faint noise coming from another room, the sound like cloth rubbing together.

She grabbed a sword she had left in the room from slaying earlier and made her way silently into the hall. The noise came again and it sounded like it was in the other bedroom. The door was open slightly and she pushed it quietly with two soft steps she stood behind the figure standing in front of the bed in the dark. She pressed her sword against its back.

"Who are you and what the hell do you think you're doing?" She was slightly satisfied when she saw a jump of surprise.

Reaching the wall behind her she flicked on the light. The person, as she could see now, turned around slowly.

She blinked her eyes twice at the figure before her. She knew that face. It had been awhile but the recognition was still there.

"Wesley?"

"Uh yes. Hello Buffy." Wesley?

She dropped the sword to her side pushing at the confusion in her head. Her eyes slid away from his face and glanced at the bed behind him. The open, half filled bag that sat there was explanation enough.

"Oh." She shook her head. It was something she should have expected if not prepared herself for.

"Buffy? Are you alright?"

"I'm- I'm fine. Really why wouldn't I be? Um you're packing?" His eyes looked a little haunted to her. Maybe a little regretful. She wondered why.

"Yes, uh you see, well, this is a little awkward."

She turned and leaned the sword against the wall. He didn't know the half of it.

"It's okay Wesley. I can guess that Spike asked you to get his things." Maybe it was the look of resignation in her eyes or maybe it was the way her face fell but she could have sworn a look of pain crossed his face for a brief moment.

"He did."

"I wish you would have used those English manners you and Giles were always on about and knocked on my door at a reasonable hour."

The embarrassment coloring his cheeks made her feel slightly better. Just a smidge.

"I apologize about that Buffy but I was told-"

"And I'm thinking I so don't want to hear how that sentence ends because it will piss me off."

"Right. May I just say that I'm sorry then?"

"Apology accepted." She went over and sat on the corner of the bed. She wanted desperately to ask but wasn't able to make her mouth form the right words. "So big evil law firm huh? How's that working out for you guys?"

The question seemed to take him aback for a moment obviously not what he was expecting.

"It's challenging but we're learning to cope." She thought that there was a lot more to that statement somehow.

She gave him a really critical looksy. The tweedy watcher she had known briefly was gone and had been replaced by a more confident man.

"You've changed." It was a statement of acknowledgement.

"So have you."

The irony made her give a short snort of ill humor.

"Dying does that to you." It was a dismissal she knew. "I'll let you finish then." She stood taking a few steps to the door.

"I just wanted to ask." She kept her back to him unable to look in his eyes.

"Ask what?" She was grateful for the lack of judgment in his voice.

"How is he? Did it at least help?"

His silence made her skin itch. The thoughts of the last few months making themselves into an almost physical sensation.

"Yes. The first month was rough but he's back to what Angel assures me is his old self."

Her head hung at his words. It was true. The fact that Wesley of all people was here to collect the few things that were left in the apartment spoke volumes to her.

"Then I did the right thing." Her foot had begun to move forward when his hand touched her shoulder. She stopped and turned towards him.

"How are you Buffy?"

She knew her eyes conveyed her sense of loneliness that she couldn't hide at this time of night.

"Coping." With a big helping of hardly.

When she went to turn again his movement stopped her. He held his hand out toward her his palm facing upward. Centered in it was Spike's key to the apartment.

"He wanted me to leave this with you."

"No. Tell him to keep it." She thought for a minute her brain centering on the images of the dream she'd lived for almost a month. "I might be..." she struggled to find a word that wouldn't cause more questions. "Moving on from here. He can use it however he wants if I go. And he'll always be welcome here."

He nodded his head in understanding. "Is there anything you want me to tell him?"

"Yeah. Tell him, tell him I'm sorry."

"I will. Is there any thing you need?" The question jolted another thought.

"Actually there is something."

"Is it something I can do for you?"

"Yeah this is definitely up your alley. Just give me a second." She walked to her room and tore the page from her notebook. Returning she handed it to Wesley. "I saw these in a dream. I've been trying to do my own research but the books I can get here are nowhere near what Giles had. And I figure Big Evil corporation and all you have to have some kind of access to stuff."

"Then you want me to get you some information on these?"

"If you wouldn't mind." She quickly scrawled her number at the bottom of the sheet.

"What happens in the dream?"

Quick severely edited version.

"Um not much. I'm holding that dagger and me and this big red demony guy with four arms and a horn fight. He had that symbol on his chest."

"Any idea where you were?"

"No. It mostly centered on the fight." She smiled for the first time since she had found him. "Now you sound like the Wesley I knew."

"Don't remind me about him."

"Thank you for doing this Wes. I know I wasn't the easiest to get along with back then."

"It was understandable. We both were a little young."

Buffy let out a small chuckle. "And look at us now. I've finally turned into the slayer the council was looking for. All solitary and everything and look no council."

The bag was packed and the sound of the zipper closing drew a final finality to the night.

"I'll contact you as soon as I have the information."

"Thank you. Could I ask for one more thing?" She waited for his nod. "Could we keep this research thing just between us? I don't want to involve either of them."

"If that's what you want."

"It is."

She walked him to the front door. Opening it she let him step through and out into the hall.

"Good bye Buffy."

She watched as he walked to the elevator and stepped inside.

Chapter 10:

A week and the dreams had grown fiercer in their intensity. It was playing havoc with her sleep, never letting her rest completely.

She had tried to focus on the upcoming holidays wondering if perhaps it was time to forgive and forget and spend some time with people she loved. But the dream always drew her back. If it was true, like so many of her past dreams, would it hurt them more if she finally spent time with them and ended up dead? Probably. And that thought held her back.

It was a few days until Thanksgiving and she had even tried to do some early Christmas shopping. But she was listless with the lack of rest and the constant slaying. Cleveland had far surpassed Sunnydale in sheer numbers.

So she was lying on the couch trying to take a nap for once. The ringing of the phone produced a mumbled curse at whoever disturbed her. Not that many people had her phone number. Or would bother to use it.

"Hello."

"Buffy. It's Wesley."

"Oh hi. Where are you? I can barely hear you." Buffy thought she could hear the rush of traffic.

"I felt it necessary to have this talk outside of the office. I have some information for you." She wasn't sure with all the background noise but she thought he sounded really stressed.

"I'm listening."

"I wasn't able to find anything on the dagger but the symbol on the demons chest was very interesting. It seems that it’s a magical bind, a leash of sorts to keep the demon in the service of some sort of master."

"So I'm looking for something a little higher up the food chain maybe? Someone with some power but no muscle."

"That would seem to be the most logical choice. The symbol and the magics used to cast it are ancient it took a long time for me to find it even with the extensive collection that the firm has."

"Any idea what to look for?"

"Unfortunately no. Whatever is behind your dream isn't something found in any of my research."

She let out a sigh of frustration. "Well I appreciate you trying Wes. Thank you."

"It was no problem Buffy. There is one more thing however."

"Yes?"

"When I was doing the research it was almost like something was trying to block me. The offices themselves are supposed to be tempered against outside magics but the feeling was there all the same."

"Which is why you’re using a pay phone. Gotcha. Someone knows something is up. This isn't making me feel any better."

"I wish I could do more but without any more information..."

"No really it's okay." Well that didn't help did it? "Out of curiosity how are things? Everyone all right?"

"As much as could be expected. But I get the feeling you were being a little more specific. I did as you asked but he didn't say anything to me."

"Thank you. Well I better let you go then just thank you for doing this."

"Your welcome. Good bye."

"Bye."

She hung up the phone and sat gingerly back on the couch. It was a long debate in her mind if she should chance trying to sleep again. It wasn't even half way through the day yet and if she was going to do any slaying tonight the rest would be needed.

Lying back down she shut her mind off focusing on nothing but her own breathing. In and out deep and slow a calming relaxing feeling began but it worked slowly. She was so close she could feel it coming her eyes starting to lose focus. Buffy let them drift shut the tension in her body melting into the couch.

"My God you look like Hell."

She didn't open her eyes. The voice was enough.

"Please tell me you just came to chat so I can through your ass out of here."

"Pfft. We need to talk."

"Why is it when there is talking to be done they send you? Couldn't they have found someone, anyone else?"

"This is serious you know. You would think that my appearance here would clue you in on that."

She gave in fed up that this day she wasn't going to be meeting the sandman. Opening her eyes she stared at the rumpled man standing at the end of her couch.

"Well two visits in one year are maybe two visits too many." She sat up and watched as he sat in the chair across from her.

"Not my choice anyway. Have I mentioned how bad you look?"

"Thanks. Do you have a point Whistler or just a death wish?"

"Okay business it is then. They want a favor."

"I'm kind of favored out for the moment. Look I really don't have the energy for this right now." Her arms crossed over her chest.

"Fine but if the worst happens it will be your own fault."

"Will you stop already? Just tell me what the hell you want so I can get some sleep."

"You need to take a trip."

"Like a vacation tell me about it. Can I have it paid too?" Her sarcasm was reaching new levels. "What are you talking about?"

"You need to go see your boys in LA. They're in big trouble."

"I just got off the phone with someone in LA. Everything's fine."

"They think everything's fine. The Powers they know different. So you need to take a trip."

"Why are you here talking to me?"

"Look girlie we need you. You've been tapped because we haven't got many options left."

"Fine give me details then."

"Angel's in over his head this time. The whole doing good while in the middle of an evil law firm thing is not panning out. So he's gonna make a choice soon. Decide on a course of action. The Powers have a feeling that we're not going to like it."

"So why aren't you there guiding him? I mean isn't that what you're supposed to be?"

"Like I want to get saddled with that duty again. He's had two seers already and he still gets in jams like this." He shook his head. "Nope my job is to get to the person that can help them the most and give her stubborn ass a nudge in the right direction. Which is you getting on a plane and landing in LA."

"Still a little skimpy on the specifics aren't you?"

"Do you know how annoying you are?"

"Well if you could maybe suggest to them to turn off the repeat-o vision with these dreams maybe I could get some sleep. No sleep equals a truly bitchy Buffy."

"I can see that. They only send the dreams once. You know that if the thing is repeating it's something to do with you."

"Huh?"

"You know maybe some unresolved issue thing. Who do I look like Dr. Phil?" He pointed a finger at her. "You need to get it together. Things are happening soon. Your little dream is just the tip of the iceberg. Let me put it this way; Angel has the potential to either do a lot of good or send the world spinning into a swift hellfire ending."

"So what am I supposed to be doing?"

"Talk to him and make him see reason. He's to close to the issue to see what the outcome is really going to be we've already tried getting to him with someone else but it just seemed to steer him the wrong way. I guess cryptic might not be the best way to go."

"Something I've been saying for years now. So why me specifically?"

"Because he'll listen to you. And the fact that the Powers trust your judgment. You've never had the advantages he's had but you seem to always make the right choice. They like that about you."

"Can I get that in writing and framed? I think there are a few people in Sunnydale who might need to see it."

He looked at her seriously and she found it a little unsettling.

"They know what you did for Spike. I have to tell you they've never been so proud of someone in your position."

She snorted. "Yeah pride in someone with a true talent for driving people away. Can we not talk about this?"

"Let me tell you a little secret then. There are currently four true warriors for the Powers each with their own destiny. You are the only one we have nothing left to prove with. The others are busy seeking redemption looking to overcome a past with a bit too much history. But you're there chick. You're the one that when all the chips are on the table they're going to turn to because you're the sure bet."

"Four?"

"Yeah four we just upped the number this year actually. Traditionally it was one and then they added Angel now we have duplicates."

"So what me and Angel and Faith and who?"

"The only other vampire with a soul. Why do you think they invested so much time in him?"

"Spike. So all of this is what? Some sort of test, a trial?"

"No actually for once they didn't do this it was a slightly more evil tint. Ever wonder who was really running that engine of evil Angel's trying to drive? They have their own plans. My guess would be a little separation of all the key players and boom instant easy take down. Although I'm sure they’re pissed that you managed to get Spike and Angel together."

"Separate us how? What aren't you telling me?"

"This is more than I'm supposed to say. I'm going to catch hell for this."

She was off the couch and holding him by the throat before he finished blinking.

"Which will be a whole lot nicer than what I'll do to you if you don't make with the answers."

"No need to be grabby. I'm talking aren't I?"

She let him go but stood in front of his chair looking menacingly at him.

"Didn't you wonder why everyone was so quick to turn on you at the house that night. Someone had to be whispering in their ears stoking the little sparks of discontent. Maybe someone like a potential that got ushered into the inner circle by say dating someone on the inside."

"Kennedy."

"She was working for Wolfram and Hart. They offered her power and she wanted it. That's why she dumped your friend so soon after you left. So they take you away from your friends and then they made sure that Spike wouldn't be a problem."

"You aren't saying what I think you're going to are you?"

"It was the most devastating thing they could do besides kill you. Which I'm happy to say they didn't even consider trying. You've got quite the rep."

"So they killed Dru knowing what it would do to him? And what were they hoping afterwards that he would finally snap and kill me?"

"I'm not sure. I doubt that even they would think that would work."

"And let me guess. They knew that when Angel took over all the other people that knew him would be less inclined to trust him."

"See how bright you are. Now if this makes a little more sense I think you should get busy trying to make some travel arrangements."

"Not so fast buddy. You know what's been going on over there so I want a run down."

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