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WARNING: Controversial and definitely not for everyone. This fic deals with voyeurism. If that's not your thing, can't say I didn't warn you :-) And for those of you who embrace their inner voyeur... enjoy the fic!


AMERICA'S SEXIEST HOME VIDEO


Xander quickly unlocked his apartment door and walked in. He didn’t even bother to turn on the lights. He made his way to the spare room in the dark. It was more a like a closet, really, but he had transformed it into a computer room. His sanctuary. Xander turned the computer on and sat to wait.


He had got the computer a month ago. Buffy had found the Trio’s hideout and he claimed the computer. He was the only one of the gang who didn’t already have one, so it was only fair. They had let him take the thing home without protesting. It would give him something to do other than watch TV. Xander cursed at how long the damn thing was taking to start up.


He had been with the gang at the magic shop tonight when Buffy had suddenly mentioned that she was going for a quick patrol. He had left mere minutes later, running all the way back to his apartment. He knew where she was going.


When did he start doing this? When did he become so addicted to the blonde duo? He couldn’t remember. He could tell exactly when he had discovered that the computer was hooked to many web cams strategically placed all over Sunnydale. One in the Magic Box, one outside of Buffy’s house, one in her bedroom, one outside his own place, two in Spike’s crypt. One in the upper lever, and one in the lower level, focused on the bed. He had every intention in the world to tell his friends about this. It was sick and they had to find all the cameras and remove them. His intentions had been good ones. He only wanted to see what Spike was doing in his free time before. Just to get some blackmail material on the annoying vampire. He never imagined that he would see Buffy walk into the crypt, throw the vampire on the floor, and fuck herself on his cock. If he had known, he would have never touched the damn thing. He knew he should be sickened by what he saw, but the truth is, he hadn’t been able to turn away from the monitor. Never in his life had he come so hard. And this peeping Tom thing soon became an habit.


The computer was taking forever and Xander hoped that he wasn’t too late. The screen finally came to life. He wondered once again, in amazement, how the geeks had managed to put their hands on such high quality material. The sound and image were so good that it was as if he was there in the crypt. Spike was sitting on the sarcophagus, reading. Xander got worried for a second that Buffy maybe had meant that she really was going to patrol. It wouldn’t be the first time that he’d run for a false alarm.


But just as the thought crossed his mind, the crypt’s door crashed open and Buffy walked in.


Xander shifted in his seat, trying to get comfortable. His cock was already hard in his pants from the anticipation, and pressing painfully against the zipper. He unzipped his pants to free his engorged member. His hard cock came to rest against his stomach, begging for attention. But it wasn’t time just yet.


He watched as Buffy went to stand in front of Spike, wondering what she would come up with this time. Spike made a move to stand up but she stopped him.


“Don’t. Just stay where you are and don’t move.”


Spike obeyed her. He put his book down next to him and gave her his full attention.


Buffy’s back was to the camera, but by the way her arms moved, Xander could tell that she was undoing the buttons of her blouse. She let the garment fall off her shoulders, then slide down her arms to land on the floor. She shimmied out of her long skirt and kicked it out of her way. The Slayer was standing in front of Spike wearing nothing but a red lace bra, a matching thong and garter belt. Buffy turned to make her way towards the armchair. As she did so, she unclasped her bra and threw it casually at Spike. The vampire caught it and brought the scrap of red lace to his face, inhaling deeply.


Fortunately for Xander, the armchair was almost facing the camera. She stopped in front of it, her back to both Spike and the camera, and bent down really slowly, exposing her luscious ass as she pulled her thong down. Buffy then sat down on the armchair, her left leg hooked over the armrest to expose her dripping wet pussy to Spike.


This time, Xander couldn’t help put grabbing his oversensitive dick to release some pressure. He couldn’t take his eyes off the monitor, not even for a second. Just like Spike, he was under the thrall of the blonde beauty.


Taking Buffy’s display as in invitation, Spike straightened up to go to her, but she stopped him again.


“Did I say you could move?”


“But, pet--I just…”


“No. You’ll move when I say so. It’s my time to play.”


Sitting back down, Spike took his cigarettes out of his pocket.


“Is it ok if I smoke luv?”


“Mm, yeah. It’s fine.”


The hand that had been resting on her left knee slowly made its way down her smooth thigh. Her fingers brushed lightly over the curls covering her sex, then traced a path back up her flat stomach until they reached her left breast. She brushed her thumb over the sensitive flesh of her nipple and let out a sigh of contentment. Soon, her other hand joined the fun, pushing both breast together and teasing her nipples between her fingers until they were two rosy hard little peaks. She threw her head back with a moan of pleasure.


Xander and Spike moaned as well, though she was only aware of Spike.


Xander saw Spike reaching down to unbutton his jeans. He was amazed that the vampire had lasted this long without jacking off. Heck, he was on the verge of shooting his load already and he wasn’t even in the room with the Slayer.


Buffy noticed Spike’s action and stopped him harshly. “Touch your dick and I’m out of here.”


“It’s getting painful luv--can I just take it out?”


“Sorry but no.” She answered, her voice breathy. “It’s my show. There will be time for your dick later.”


Buffy spread her legs wider to make sure he had a good view of her sex. She was so aroused by her little game that she was dripping. She plunged two fingers between her folds and visibly shivered from head to toes.


The funny thing was that Xander had always imagined Buffy to be an old fashion girl when it came to sex. The “lights off, under the cover” type of girl. He always thought she would be the kind of girl to enjoy slow and romantic. Riley even told him once, while bounding over a beer in his basement, that she was a missionary girl, and that he even had to beg her once for a blow job--the only one he ever got--and that she would never allow his head anywhere near her pussy. That description of Buffy had nothing to do with the wild sex goddess that was currently masturbating in front of a vampire for kicks.


Xander was so taken by the show that he was taken by surprise when he came. He gasped, his eyes getting wide. He watched in fascination as ropes of semen landed on his shirt, but didn’t do anything about it.


Sitting back, he watched Buffy as she started flicking her clit back and forth quickly, her hips rising up from the armchair, her chest heaving. She was a vision. She came, shouting Spike’s name again and again while riding the waves of her massive orgasm.


**Definitely not lights off, missionary, chick** Xander thought, a goofy grin still on his face from his own orgasm.


“Poor Spike. It looks painful baby. Wanna make it better?” She went on her knees, facing the armchair, and bent down.


The vampire didn’t have to be told twice. He walked up to her while undoing his pants and shoving them down to his knees to free his erection. Kneeling behind Buffy, he pushed his cock inside of her without a warning and proceeded to fuck her roughly.


She gripped both armrests to brace herself the best she could against the vampire’s hard trusts but with little success. The armchair wouldn’t stay in place and kept sliding backwards. She finally decided to push it completely out of the way and went on her hands and knees as Spike fucked her doggie style.


“Oh yes! Please… Harder, Spike. Don’t hold back.”


The noises that they were both making were so erotic that Xander had to get himself off again. He grabbed his hard dick and started pulling on it hard and fast, trying to match Spike’s trusts… Trying to imagine that he was there with them--Buffy’s lips around his dick sucking on him while Spike was slamming his cock into her.


“Please Spike, fill me up… come for me baby.” The Buffy on screen was almost begging. “Make me come like only you can do”


Buffy came, gasping and moaning loudly. Her arms had given way under her and Spike was holding her up by her hips, her round butt sticking up in the air as he pushed his long shaft deep into her wet hole, again and again. He started losing control and slammed into her in a way that looked almost painful.


“Take it Slayer, take it all. Buffy--My Buffy. So bloody hot, so perfect.”


Spike came loudly. Actually, the three of them did. Buffy for the third time that night. She was almost sobbing at the pleasure, desperately trying to catch her breath.


Spike lay down next to her and tried to pull her into his arms but she evaded his embrace and started pulling on her clothes.


Xander watched as Spike turned on his back and put his arm over his eye with a deep sigh. The brunette frowned at the scene, shaking his head, saddened by his friend‘s behavior.


“And off she goes… Again.” He whispered to himself, feeling oddly sad for the blonde vampire.


Xander dragged the mouse of his computer to the “start” menu and clicked on “switch off”.

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CHAPTER 2: Reruns


9 am. Anya had left half an hour ago to go to work and Xander was now sitting on his couch, eating Captain Crunch right out of the box. It was Saturday morning, he had the day off, but couldn’t come up with anything to kill the boredom that had already settled over him in this early hour. Going back to sleep came to mind, but the empty bed didn’t appeal to him one bit. Saturday morning cartoons? Yeah, that’d be the smart choice. He stared at the remote sitting on top of the TV while munching his cereal noisily, but didn’t make a move to go get it. Without really making a conscious decision, Xander got up and made his way to the computer room. He turned the computer on and sat in front of it, waiting for the thing to come to life.


“Hi, the name’s Harris… Xander Harris. And I’m a creepy little perv who enjoys watching his friends fight, fuck, and fight some more.” He said derisively under his breath.


His desktop wallpaper finally appeared on the screen. Snoopy doing the Snoopy dance. As always, he couldn’t help but smile. It seemed so innocent. Especially considering what he used the computer for.


Xander put in his password--wouldn’t do for Anya to find out about his new hobby--and his own settings appeared. All kinds of web games, some Star War stuff, most of which was already in the computer from the previous owners, and there, in the corner, the little camera icon.


**Come on Harris, do it. Just delete everything and be done with it. If someone finds out, you’ll lose your friends, you’ll lose Anya… **


Taking a deep breath, he dragged the mouse to the documents icon, then opened the video folder. A long list of videos appeared on the screen. They were classified by date, all the way down to the newest. He had even given them titles. He looked at the very first one. It was called: Harris, king of denial. Xander chuckled. Not only did he love this one, but he was actually in it. Though he had been clueless about it at the time, as usual.


Unable to resist, Xander clicked on the video. He just wanted to see it again before deleting it for good.


The screen was black for a few seconds, then Spike appeared and Xander watched as the now familiar scene unfolded in front of his eyes.


The blonde vampire was sitting in his armchair, then looked up when the door crashed open. Xander gave an amused chuckle as Spike looked around, a confused expression on his face, calling out for the ghost to show itself. That was pure comedy material.


Spike flew into a wall and his shirt was ripped open by invisible hands.


Xander fast forwarded through the trashing of the crypt until Spike was in his basement, seemingly alone, his arms wrapped around nothing. That’s what Buffy had wanted to be back then… Nothing. And maybe she still wanted that. It was hard to tell.


Even knowing that Buffy had been torn out of heaven, Xander hadn’t really understood what was going on with her before seeing her interact with the vampire. He wasn’t really good at psychology, especially not at understanding issues caused by something as unusual as being resurrected. But watching the videos had helped him understand her more.


She was damaged. Damaged by something they had done to her. And the only one she was willing to show the wreckage to was Spike. When she was with her friends, she was fooling them by showing a carefully crafted façade. A beautiful lie meant to make them believe that she was fine. That she was back to being good old Buffy. But it wasn’t true. And thanks to this invasion of privacy Xander was doing, he knew the truth. Buffy was desperately trying to come to terms with life, and she wasn’t coping well. Invisible Buffy was the best example and it broke Xander’s heart to realize it.


The videos. They were not only about getting off watching his friends having sex. It was about watching Buffy drowning on the screen and praying that she’d make it to the surface. Because he had caused it. And if she didn’t make it, it would be his fault. So he kept watching, hoping that maybe next time, Spike would get through to her and save her.


He watched through teary eyes as Spike carefully made love to the ghost of the Slayer. He was moving like a snake, the muscles of his back tensing and releasing as he dived into her rhythmically. The white sheet was barely covering the blonde vampire’s ass, and his arms were straining to keep him from crushing the girl beneath him. That’s when Xander walked in, interrupting them without even realizing it.


“What are you doing?” The Xander on the screen asked.


“What does it look like I’m doing…” Spike said, clearly embarrassed, and looking for a good answer. “Exercising.”


“In bed?.. Naked?”


Xander laughed out loud, his hilarity resonating in the empty apartment.


**Holy Moses, I can’t believe just how clueless I am! There I was, looking for invisible Buffy, and I caught Spike in bed having sex with invisible girl and I didn’t make the connection? His ear was moving on its own for Christ sake!**


Xander shook his head, still not believing his own stupidity but able to make fun of himself.


**It proves that when you don’t want to see something that’s right in front of you…**


No, he really hadn’t wanted to see it. He still remembered his reaction the very first time he’d witnessed an encounter of the steamy kind between the two blondes. The shock, the anger, the disgust, mixed with the curiosity. He had wanted to throw the computer out the window, and at the same time, hadn’t been able to take his eyes away from the screen. He hated the mere idea of them together, but watching them was the most beautifully erotic, yet disturbing thing he'd ever seen. And before he knew it, he was too engrossed in their violent and desperate embrace to look away. The heat between the two. No, not heat, not sparks. Flames. They were fucking each other with a passion that was almost hypnotizing.


That night, Xander had stayed awake all night trying to convince himself that he was disgusted by what he’d seen. But he couldn’t. He had stayed away from the computer for three days, trying to believe that it had never happened and that he never wanted to see it again. He had failed. Obviously. When he had turned the machine back on again, he justified it by telling himself he wanted to make sure it had been a one time deal and Buffy hadn’t done it again. But the truth was, he wanted to see what would happen next.


It was like watching a soap. You bitch, you complain about the acting, the poor writing, the lame plot… but next thing you know, you're watching it again. And again. Until you're too addicted to miss an episode. You develop a fondness for the characters, and you hope that things will get better between them. That's what happened to Xander.


He had gone from hating Spike’s guts, to feeling sorry for him and realizing that he really did love Buffy. After seeing the way she treated the vampire, Xander had a new found respect for Spike. The vampire was willing to take everything she threw at him patiently, all the pain she was causing him, just to try to help her deal with her own pain. If that wasn‘t love…


And Buffy. The girl was such an emotional mess. He couldn’t even blame her for acting so screwed up and only hoped that she’d wake up before it was too late. Before she’d manage to push yet another man away from her. And Xander knew that she loved Spike. A few times, when the blonde vampire had his back turned or wasn’t there to witness it, Xander had seen the look in Buffy’s eyes. Sadness, pain, love, and self-hatred fighting to come out all at once.


He wondered quite a few times why she was doing this and came up with different theories but only her knew. It almost looked like she was trying to prove herself something. Prove that life wasn’t worth living, that happiness wasn't possible, that men always left her, that she wasn't worthy of anybody's love. Not even the love of a vampire. Xander hoped that Spike figured it out too and wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of being right.


The video had come to an end after Spike kicked Buffy out. Xander dragged the curser to the file menu and down to delete. He couldn’t click it. He ran his fingers wearily through his thick brown hair and sighed.


**Maybe I’ll just keep this one** He thought, then rolled his eyes.


He knew he’d keep them all and keep watching. The Buffy and Spike Variety Hour was now his favorite show and there was nothing he could do about that.


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A/N: Liked it? Don't be shy... tell me!
 

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CHAPTER 3: Unlikely ally


They were all gathered around the table at the magic shop doing some research over the latest big bad. All except Buffy who was pounding her tiny fists into the poor innocent punching bag in the back room. Even Spike was there, sitting on the counter, looking as bored as ever. Anya was spraying Windex on the counter around him and cleaning vigorously, trying to get the message across that she wanted him to get off. She finally lost it.


“Spike! That coat is filthy. You’re getting my beautiful counter all dirty. It’s not very attractive to paying customers.”


“S’not bloody dirty.”


“Oh really? When’s the last time you had it dry cleaned?”


“…”


“Weren’t you covered in demon guts last night when you walked in here after killing that thing?”


“Well, I…”


“See? Dirty. Get off.”


Spike huffed, but got off the counter anyway. “Bossy chit.”


Xander lifted his head from the book he was reading to give Spike a sympathetic look. “Now, try to imagine this: I LIVE with her.”


“I feel for you, mate. Really.” Spike seemed surprised by Xander’s sudden friendliness towards him, but decided it was better not to comment.


That’s when Buffy walked into the room. She looked tired and winced when she flexed her right wrist. She sat at the table without a word and started removing the tape wrapped around her hands. Xander discretely watched Spike who was watching Buffy.


“If you want, I can patrol for you, Slayer. You could have the night off, go home, and spend some time with the Little Bit.” Spike suggested, concern obvious in his voice.


“What is it, Spike? You think I can’t do my job anymore?” She snapped at him.


“That’s not what I meant…”


“The Slayer is losing her touch, might as well take the opportunity to step in and show everybody that Spike the Great can save the day?” She said derisively.


“No, you stupid bint. I know you can bloody well do your job. I just thought you needed a break.”


“You don’t know shit about what I need Spike. Wanna know what I need? I need to kick some demon ass. Oh, look,“ she said, looking pointedly at him with a cold smile and dark eyes, “a demon.”


Xander didn’t look up from his book, but couldn’t help commenting. “That was harsh, Buff.”


Buffy turned sharply to face Xander, giving him a disbelieving look. “Excuse me?”


“I‘m just saying--you didn‘t need to be a bitch about it. He just wanted to help.”


Xander saw something passing in her eyes. She blinked several times. But her face remained cold. The slamming of the front door made them all jump. Buffy looked back, only to confirm that Spike was gone. She went back to looking at Xander.


“Since when are you member of the Spike fan club, Xand? What, you guys are best pals now or something?”


“No. I'm just saying that was kinda mean.”


“I’m always mean to Spike.” She said in a voice that sounded almost resigned, as if she was stating a truth that couldn’t be changed. Her face was blank of any expression.


“You don’t have to be that way.” Xander tried to say, but she was already half way to the door.


Willow, Tara, Anya and Dawn gave each other curious looks, then decided it was better not to ask. They went back to reading and dusting, pretending nothing happened.


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“Xaaaannnder!!” Anya bellowed from the bedroom, obviously tired of waiting for him.


Xander poked his head through the bathroom door. He tried to speak with the tooth brush in his mouth. “Sham comshing.”


She frowned. “What?”


He took it out of his mouth. “I’m coming.” He repeated, more clearly this time. “I just have to go turn off the computer. Give me a sec.”


Anya crossed her arms over her chest and pouted while he went back to the bathroom to spit out a mouthful of toothpaste. “Stupid computer! Why don’t you marry it if you love it this much. You spend more time with that stupid machine that you do with me. What do you do with it that’s so interesting anyway?”


“Nothing!” Xander quickly replied from the bathroom. “Games and stuff. You wouldn’t like it.”


“Is it something geeky again? Cause I don’t mind. I love you anyway.”


“Yes. That’s it,” he said, turning the bathroom’s light off. “It’s really geeky.”


“All right then. But hurry up. I’ve had a hard day. Sexual pleasure would be a nice way to relax before going to sleep.”


“I’ll be right back, baby.”


Xander went to turn the living room’s light off, then made sure the front door was locked. He then went to switch the computer off. Before doing so, he decided to take one last look to see what they were doing, hoping that Buffy had stopped brooding.


He had checked earlier while Anya was watching some stupid dating reality show. He wanted so see if Buffy was all right after their little altercation at the Magic Box earlier tonight. He’d checked the crypt first, but all he found was Spike laying on his bed, staring at the ceiling. He wasn’t looking too cheerful, but Xander couldn’t blame him. He then looked at the image from the camera in Buffy’s bedroom. He rarely looked at this camera. Strangely, it didn’t feel right. As if watching them have sex was right! But it wasn’t the same. Except that tonight, he felt like it was justified. He just wanted to make sure she was ok. She was there. She was on her bed too, fully clothed. Her eyes wide open.


That was two hours ago. Xander opened the two windows again to check on his friends. They hadn’t moved an inch. The only difference was that Spike’s crypt was darker, now that some of the candles lighting it had burnt out.


Wishing he could do something for them, Xander sighed and turned the computer off. There was nothing he could do.


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A/N: Lyrics at the end of the chapter are from Third eye blind, How's it gonna be



CHAPTER 4: Three little words



A movement on the screen. Blonde hair, petite body. Buffy. She walked to the end of the bed where Spike was laying naked under the white cotton sheet. He was asleep, completely oblivious to her presence in the crypt.


Xander didn’t even wonder what she was up to. He had seen enough over the past couple of weeks to know. Though he couldn’t stop himself from hoping that maybe she was there to apologize for the way she had treated Spike the night before. But it was very unlikely.


He watched as she slowly stripped off all her clothes. She stood there, naked, silently looking at Spike. Xander couldn’t see her face because she was facing away from the camera. He wished there was another camera so he could see the expression on her face.


After a few moments, she finally moved, crawling carefully over Spike’s body. She had almost reached his head when he suddenly grabbed her and flipped them over. Buffy was now sprawled on her back with Spike looming over her. They maintained eye contact for a few seconds before he finally spoke.


“What do you want, Buffy?”


She laughed. “What do you think?”


“What. Do. You. Want from me?”


She smiled mockingly up at him, batting her eyelashes, looking love-struck. “I thought we could go for a romantic walk on the beach, hand in hand, under the sun. Maybe talk about what our kids will look like and making plans for our wedding…” She snorted. “What do you think I want, Spike?”


“Yeah, well, since you turned into the Great Queen of Sarcasm this lovely morning, I’ll have to guess. Lets see--you seem to think the only thing I’m good for is to shag your brains out, so I’ll just assume that’s what you’re after. Am I right?”


Buffy pouted. “What else?”


“Right then. Service the girl.” He said through clench teeth. “All I‘m bloody good for.”


Spike roughly crushed his lips to Buffy’s in a bruising kiss. He shoved her legs apart and positioned his body between her thighs, brutally entering her in one trust. She cried out, but instead of telling him to stop like Xander was expecting, she just brought his head back down to her and resumed the hard kiss.


It was the furthest thing from love making he had ever witnessed. It wasn’t even sex. It was fucking. Like only a Slayer and a vampire could do without internal injuries. Spike was slamming his cock into her so hard and so fast that Buffy couldn’t make a sound. Her body was backing up with each trust of his strong hips, pulling the sheets along with her. She finally had to put her hands up and brace herself against the headboard to avoid breaking her neck on it.


Everything had happened so fast that Xander hadn’t even had a chance to react. He couldn’t do anything but look, too shocked to be aroused. He sat motionless in his chair, hands on the keyboard, almost afraid to blink. The blonde couple’s sex life was usually on the rough side, but normally, it was Buffy’s doing and Spike going along. Xander had never seen Spike this mad before.


Not that his anger wasn’t justified after the way she had been acting lately, what she said the night before, and her cruel comments a moment ago. Buffy’s behavior had gotten worse and worse instead of improving. He really couldn’t blame the vampire for having enough of her shit, but still couldn’t help cringing and be a little afraid for Buffy’s well being. It was easy to forget sometimes, but Spike was a soulless demon. Who knew what he would do if pushed too far. His chip didn’t work on Buffy anymore.


Spike grabbed Buffy’s legs and hooked them over his shoulders. She was now half moaning, half sobbing, and it was hard to tell if it was from pain or pleasure. Xander had his answer about Spike at that moment. The blonde vampire stopped.


“Am I hurting you?” His voice sounded harsh, but the intention was there.


“No! Don’t stop!”


He resumed pounding her pussy with renewed vigor. It didn’t take long before she came with a loud shout, her entire body convulsing. Spike didn’t.


He pulled out of her, and said three words Xander never thought he’d hear coming out of the vampire’s lips.


“I hate you.”


Shock, then pain, crossed Buffy’s features. She pushed him off of her and rolled on her side, covering herself with the sheets.


Xander was shocked and saddened as he watched the drama unfold. This wasn’t what was supposed to happen.


He watched with a sense of doom as Spike got out of bed and put on his jeans. He picked Buffy’s clothes off the floor and threw them at her.


“Here are your clothes. That should speed up your ‘run from Spike’s bed’ routine. Get dressed and leave. You got what you came here for.” And on those words, he went up to the upper level of the crypt.


“Spike…” She murmured, her eyes shining with unshed tears. But he wasn’t there anymore to hear her soft plea.


Xander quickly opened another window to see what he was doing up there, while still watching Buffy.


Buffy sat on the edge of the bed and cried while putting on her clothes.


Spike went to his mini fridge to get a bottle of Vodka, then sat in his armchair.


Soon, Buffy pulled herself back together. She wiped furiously at her eyes, then made her way to the upper level as well.


Xander closed the window that gave him the image of the lower level so he could make the other window full screen and focus on what was going on.


Buffy walked slowly passed Spike, not looking at him. She went to the door.


Spike finally opened his mouth. His voice was hoarse from the crying he was trying not to do.


“I didn’t mean it. You know I didn’t. But I don’t get why you don’t just buy yourself a bloody vibrator instead of torturing me like that. Batteries don’t complain. You’d probably be better off. I obviously can’t do anything more for you so why bother with me.”


Buffy paused by the door, her hand on the knob, her head low.


“I’m sorry my issues are such an inconvenience to you, Spike.”


She said it softly, her voice laced with pain. Then, without another word, she was gone.


Spike broke down.

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CHAPTER 5: The show's been canceled


It had been a week. A week of watching Buffy crying, but not going to Spike. A week of watching Spike drinking himself unconscious. Buffy hadn’t been at the crypt all week. Well, that was not completely true. She had been there, but only when she knew Spike wasn’t. She’d move around the crypt like a ghost, picking up things randomly, touching his clothes, laying in his bed, then leaving before he’d come back. But every time, Spike knew she had been there and as the days passed, his state degraded considerably.


Xander felt powerless in the face of his friends’ pain and it was killing him. Guilt was also consuming him. Most of the pain Buffy was in right now was caused by him and the girls doing that spell on her. He couldn’t help but think that there must have been a way they could have found out if she was at peace or not before deciding to do the spell. Psychics contact dead people all the time, don’t they? If Willow was powerful enough to raise the dead, couldn’t she try to contact her first to ask if she wanted to be brought back to life? Couldn‘t he have thought of it?


Thoughts were bouncing around out of control in Xander’s head. He wanted to talk to Buffy, help her. But It’s not like he could walk up to her and say: “Yeah, I know about you and Spike because I’ve been watching you screwing and fighting for the past two months. Wanna talk about it?”


He did try to get her to open up to him, but it didn‘t go very far. All he got out of her was an: “I‘m fine.” Not a great base for conversation. He still wished he could do something for them though. At first, he thought it wouldn‘t take too long before Spike would come running back to her, but he started to have doubts. And all he could do was sit back, and watch as the relationship between the two blondes seemed on the verge of imploding.


It was late. Anya was gone on a week-end of shopping in L.A. with Halfrek. She said she needed some girl time before the wedding. Xander couldn’t sleep. He was too used of having Anya’s warm body wrapped around him. Now, the bed felt cold, empty, and just plain uninviting. So he sat in the dark, the room only lit by the computer screen. Addiction ran in his family. Thoughts of his mother and father’s destructive addiction to alcohol flashed briefly through his mind. At least, his little addiction wasn’t really hurting anybody. It’s not like he was neglecting Anya in favor of watching Buffy’s love disaster unfold on the screen. Anya was still his priority. But she wasn’t there now, so it really wasn’t cutting into his quality time with her.


Xander looked at the clock on the bottom of the screen. 11pm.


**Another hour, then I’ll hit the pillows** He thought, opening another video.


He opened an old video and watched Buffy and Spike having sex under the oriental carpet. He rolled his eyes and chuckled when Spike dangled a pair of handcuffs in front of the girl. Xander yawned. He decided it was enough, but wanted to check if there were any new developments before going to bed.


He opened the camera to Spike’s crypt. Things looked normal, though much darker than usual. The candles were all out, so the only source of light came from the moon outside. The vampire was pacing aimlessly around the crypt. Xander jumped in his chair when Spike stopped and unexpectedly punched the stone wall with all his strength. No sound of pain came out of him even though his fist was smashed to a bloody pulp. Even in the relative darkness, Xander could tell how bad it was. He winced in sympathy, remembering when he had put his own fist through a wall after Joyce had died. Not a pleasant thing to do. And that was only plaster. Vampire or not, this was stone. For a second, the thought of blowing his cover and going to talk to Spike crossed Xander’s mind. But he quickly dismissed it.


That’s when everything went to Hell.


“Bloody fucking bitch!”


Xander just stared in shock as Spike started half destroying, half packing, everything he had in his crypt. This was the implosion he had been waiting for. It was happening. Needing to do something, Xander checked Buffy’s room to see if she was home. If she was, she wasn’t in her room. He realized, at the speed Spike was packing, that he didn’t have enough time to go get Buffy, explain her how he knew Spike was leaving, and get her to stop him. Getting up, he decided that it was time for him to do something good for Buffy. Even if it meant that the truth would come out and they’d all look down on him. He owed her that much.


Picking up the phone, he called her place while trying to put on his jeans at the same time. There was no answer. He remembered Willow was supposed to chaperon Dawn and her friends at the Bronze tonight. Buffy must have been on patrol, or maybe she went with them.


“Hi, you’ve reached Buffy, Dawn, and Willow. We’re probably out battling the evil forces of darkness right now, so leave us a message, and we’ll call you back if we survived.”


“Buffy? It’s Xander. Are you home? Please pick up the phone, it’s important… Ok, I guess you’re not there. I need to see you, it‘s urgent. Call me back.”


Xander grabbed his car keys and left.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


The car stopped right in front of the cemetery’s gate closest to Spike’s crypt. Xander hurriedly locked the car door and made his way as fast as he could to where Spike lived. Or, if he was too late, used to live.


He arrived just as the vampire was struggling to tie his duffle bag to the back seat of his bike.


Xander slowed down and shoved his hands down his jeans pockets. He suddenly felt awkward, not really knowing what to tell Spike to stop him from leaving. He didn’t want to screw this one up.


“Hey bleached wonder, what you doing?”


Spike looked up, his face a mess of raw emotions. He made an obvious effort to look detached nonetheless.


“What does it look like, Harris? Making your wildest bloody dream come true. I’m leaving town. What are you doing here by yourself in the middle of the night anyway, whelp? ”


“Couldn’t sleep so I decided to take a stroll. What? You think I need my girly bodyguards to protect me?” Xander asked.


“Unless you have a death wish, I’d say yes.”


“Hey!” the brunette exclaimed offended. “I’m a big man, I don’t need girls to protect me from the baddies. Lots of years of fighting experience under this construction worker’s belt. I was bornand raised in Sunnydale you know.”


Spike sighed. “Look, I’m not in the mood, Harris. So be a good whelp and bugger off.”


“Don’t leave.”


Spike looked up, surprised at the unexpected request. “Excuse me?”


“Don’t leave. Buffy needs you.”


Spike barked out an hysterical laughter bordering on scary. He finally managed to calm down enough to talk.


“Bloody hell, that’s rich. Never thought I’d hear something this funny coming out of your mouth.”


“Well I’m glad you find it amusing, but I wasn’t kidding. She needs you here. She’s at the lowest she’s ever been in her life right now, and you’re the only one who can help her.”


Spike resumed his task of tying his bag to his ride. “I should be honored that you think so highly of me that you think I can do something for her, but you’re wrong. She’s beyond helping. And don’t think I haven’t tried.”


“I know you did. Look,” Xander started, suddenly looking uncomfortable. “I know you guys have been… together.”


Spike looked up in surprise and opened his mouth to speak, but Xander cut him off before a word could come out.


“Don’t ask me how I know, I just know. And I also know that something happened between you two about a week ago, because Buffy’s been an even bigger mess ever since. But, no matter how bad things turned out to be… don’t give up on her now.”


“I'm shocked. You know you’re the one person I thought would go completely stalkers if you’d ever find out about me and her? What’s with the change of attitude mate?”


“I’d love to enlighten you, but this is not about me.”


“What is it about then?” Spike asked, standing up. He lit up a cigarette, and despite his bravado, his hand was shaking slightly.


“I know you love her. Took me long enough to accept it, but I see it now. And I also know for a fact that she loves you. She turns to you, when she can’t turn to her friends. She lets you see behind the façade she puts up for everybody else. I know it’s not pretty. I’ve had a few glimpses here and there and it scared the shit out of me…”


“Sorry, Harris. Under any other circumstances, I’d be real happy that you’re all in favor of the Spike and Buffy loving. But you’re just a little too late. There’s nothing left I can do for her.”


“You’re wrong. You’re just doing what she wants you to do. By leaving, you’re proving her right. You‘re proving her that men always leave her, that life‘s not worth living, that happiness doesn‘t exist. She doesn‘t want to find a reason to enjoy life again so she‘s pushing you away to show herself that she‘s right. Don‘t give her the satisfaction.“


Spike went to sit on the steps leading up to the crypt’s door. He lowered his head and ran his fingers through his messy hair.


“You don’t know Harris. You haven’t seen what I’ve been putting up with. The things she’s done to me. I thought I could take everything she’d throw at me and always be there for her no matter how much it bloody hurts. But I’m not as strong as I thought I was. It hurts too much.”


Xander went to sit next to him. “She doesn’t mean it you know. She’s all broken inside, Spike.”


“You think I don’t know that?” The vampire let out a derisive snort and shook his head. “I know it’s nothing to you, but… She’s the love of my life. She’s hurting and there’s nothing I can do--nothing she’ll LET me do--to help her. And I just end up hurting her more.” Spike took a deep steadying breath and closed his eyes. “God, Harris. I told her… I told her I hate her. I’m not the rock she needs, I’m just sinking down with her.”


“Look, man, I know things look bad right now, and maybe they are. Try to look at it this way. Maybe that ‘I hate you’ thing was the slap in the face she needed to realize how far she pushed you and how close she is to losing you. I know it’s not something you feel good about saying, but maybe that’s what she needed--for you to shake her a little instead of just lay there and let her do as she please.”


“I don’t know. But I think it hurt us both as much when I said it.”


“She knows you didn’t mean it. But at least, now she knows to what extreme she’s pushed you. She’ll come around. I’ll talk to her. Even if I have to tie her up to make her listen. I’m done doing nothing.”


Spike gave Xander a small grin. “I wouldn’t try that if I were you. Been there, done that. Tying her up doesn’t make her listen, it just makes her real scary.”


Xander gave him a confused look, but Spike didn’t explain.


“I can’t stay here, Xander.” he said in a pained voice.


“Yeah, but you can’t leave either. Why don’t you just go somewhere and take a few days to calm down and think about it instead of making a rash decision?”


“What are you suggesting?”


Xander pulled out his wallet and handed Spike one of his credit cards. “There’s a motel just outside of Sunnydale, on the highway to L.A. Why don’t you pay yourself a couple of nights. You’ll be away from Buffy and you can think about what you want to do. Decide if you really want to leave, or if you‘re gonna stay.”


“I don’t know…”


“Just think about it, ok? Don’t do anything you’ll regret. We both know you can’t stay away from her anyway. So what? You’ll leave, then a few months down the road, you’ll realize you made a mistake and come back? I don’t know if she’ll be able to forgive you. Too many people have done it to her, even Giles. Everything will be ruined if you leave. Tell me you’ll think about it.”


“I will.”


“And no matter what you decide, keep the card.”


Spike smirked. “Are you sure about that, whelp?”


Xander rolled his eyes and got up. “Yeah, go crazy. There’s a five hundred bucks limit on it. Use it for gas, blood and Ho-Hos, or something.”


“Thanks mate.”


Spike got on his bike. “Don’t miss me too much.”


“Oh I won’t. You won’t be gone long enough for me to miss you.”


Xander watched as Spike’s tail light disappeared into the night, hoping that he was right and the vampire wouldn‘t leave for good. Once he was gone, he pulled out his cell phone and called Buffy’s home. This time, there was an answer.


“Hello?”


“Will? It’s Xander. Is Buffy home yet?”


“Huh.. No. She went to your place. Didn’t you see her?”


“…”


“Xander?”


Xander finally found his voice back. “How--how long ago did she leave?”


“I don’t know. About 45 minutes, an hour maybe. Why? What‘s going on?”


Xander broke into a cold sweat. He hadn’t locked the door. He wasn’t even sure if he’d closed it.


“Xander? Are you all right? Xander?..”


**Not all right. Not all right at all.**


“Can’t talk right now, Will. Bye.” He hung up.


**And even less all right once I’ll get home** He thought grimly.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CHAPTER 6: Trying to save the show


The front door of the apartment wasn’t closed. Xander slowly pushed it completely open. He could almost hear the dramatic music playing in the back of his head, a soundtrack to the suspense of the moment.


“Buffy?”


Only silence answered him, but instead of making him feel relieved, it made him want to run as far away as possible.


He made his way to the computer room like a man walking to his death. Sure enough, she was there, the blue light of the screen casting a halo around her blonde hair. There was a picture of Spike frozen on the monitor in front of her.


“Buffy?” He called again.


She slowly turned her head to look at him. She was frowning, her eyes wide with incomprehension. “…Xander?”


Her voice was carrying a hundred questions that Xander didn’t think he could answer.


“Buffy, I’m sorry you had to see this, so sorry…”


“What IS this?”


“I wish I could explain, but not right now. There’s something you need to know first.”


“Yes, right now. And please tell me there’s a good explanation because I don’t understand.” She shook her head, trying to make sense of what was going on.


Xander wanted to scream, cry, run away, all at once. “I can explain, Buff, but it’ll take time and there’s something more important.”


“More important than this?” She asked, incredulous. “You have about fifty or so video on that computer--of Spike and I. God, I WANT to understand, Xander. Please explain to me why? I don’t get it.”


“Nothing I can say will make it all right. I can’t get out of this one with a joke or by playing clueless. I don’t know how or why I got caught up doing that. I can assure you though, the first time was an accident…”


“An accident? What? So these cameras just appeared out of nowhere?”


“No, they didn’t. But I didn’t plant them there. It was Warren and his geeky friends. They were spying on us all and the hardware was still in the computer when you guys gave it to me. I found out while I was trying to figure out how to use the thing. And the first thing I saw was--you and Spike--you know…”


“Spike and I fucking each other? Couldn’t you just do what I would expect you to do? Drive a baseball bat through the screen and yell at me for sleeping with another vampire? Why did you keep watching? I don’t get it. I don’t think I’ve ever had such a hard time understanding something.”


“I know. I should have stopped watching right away. But I was shocked, I didn’t understand what you were doing, what was going on with you. So I kept watching and before I knew it, I was engrossed in your life and your problems and I just needed to know more. I couldn’t stop.”


He walked up to where she was sitting and crouched down in front of her. “Buffy, I’m sure you’re thinking horrible things about me right now. You’re probably angry and disgusted, and you’re right to be. We could talk about this all night. But…”


She interrupted him again. “Xander..”


“Buffy. He left.”


“What?”


“That’s what I kept trying to tell you.”


Xander reached out to take the mouse. He dragged it to an icon and opened it. Buffy watched the rather sad display of Spike, half destroying, half packing his belongings. The blood drained from her face.


“What?.. When--when was that?”


“About an hour ago. That’s why I called you.”


“He’s gone?” Tears welled up in her hazel eyes. “He left town? He--left me?”


Xander took both her hands in his, forcing her to take her eyes off the screen. “It doesn’t have to be, Buffy. You can still catch up to him. When you didn’t answer, I went to talk to Spike. He was really upset but I think I convinced him that he was making a rash decision. I tried to get him to think about it. If he listened to me, that means he’s spending the night at that motel on the highway just outside of town. I don’t remember the name of the motel. It has a number in it… Lucky 7?”


“Super 8?”


“Yeah, that’s it. Buff, I never thought I’d have to give you that speech again, but, if you want him, don’t let him go. You love him, don’t you?”


She looked away, blinking to hold back her tears. “I think so.”


“You think so?”


“Yes, I do. Ok? I do.”


“Then why are you still sitting here?”


She opened her mouth to protest, but he pulled her to her feet.


“Go!”


“But… How am I gonna get there?”


“I’d give you my car keys, but that’d be like giving you a gun and helping you aim it at your head.”


“Hey!” Buffy pouted. “I don’t think you’re in a position to tease this Slayer, buddy. I’m still angry at you and I sense a lot of kissing of my ass in your future.”


“I’ll write that down in my agenda, but for now, I’ll just call you a cab.”


She turned to leave, but hesitated. “What if he’s not there, Xander?”


“He will be. I know he will.”


“We still have a lot of talking to do when I get back so don’t go anywhere.”


“I’ll be here.” He smiled nervously at her.


She left and Xander took the phone to call her a taxi.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


“Hello?… Hellooo? Anybody working here, or do I just walk out with the money?” She rang the little silver bell a couple more times before a greasy looking, overweight, man walked out of the back room.


“Yeah, what do you want?” He grumbled.


The blonde girl plastered a fake smile on her face. “I’m sorry to bother you. I’m looking for someone who was supposed to be staying here tonight, maybe you’ve seen him? Billy Idol look alike, long leather duster…”


“Stalker? Crazy ex-girlfriend? Jealous wife?”


Buffy’s smile tightened as her patience thinned. “No--huh.” She looked at his nametag “Buddy. I’m just a friend. Could you please help me? Is he here?”


“Yeah, I’ve seen the dude.”


“Could you please tell me his room number?” She flashed him her most brilliant smile and leaned on the counter, exposing some cleavage.


“Well--I guess I’d better call his room first. My customers like their privacy if ya get my drift.”


“Please, Buddy?”


“Oh, what the heck. He can’t be too upset to see such a pretty thing knocking on his door. I sent him to room 336.”


“Thanks so much.”


“No problem, sweetheart. If he disappoints… I’m all alone here and wouldn’t say no to some company.”


Buffy shuddered at the idea, but smiled anyway. “We’ll see. Thanks again.” She almost ran out of the office.


Her heels clacked on the pavement as she walked across the parking lot, but she didn’t noticed. The sound of her heart beat drowning the noise. She quickly made her way to room 336, then stopped in front of the door.


She hadn’t prepared what she was going to say to him and she was nervous. She didn’t want to screw this up. But she soon realized that the best way to go about this was to follow her instincts and be truthful for once. She hadn’t done that for a long time and it was time for her to stop hiding behind words she didn't believe in and just be honest. With him, and with herself.


She knocked on the door and waited. There was no answer. After a few moments, she knocked again, harder this time. “Spike? It’s me. Open up, we need to talk… Spike? Are you in there?”


Again, she got nothing. Panicking at the idea that he didn’t want to see her, that he was serious about leaving town, she started banging on the door.


“Please, Spike, answer the damn door!… I swear I’ll break it down. I need to see you.”


When he still didn’t answer, she took a step back.


**Fuck it.**


She kicked the door open… Just in time to see a forty something years old bald man walking out of the bathroom, a short towel wrapped around his skinny naked hips.


“Who are you? Not that I’m complaining.”


“Oh God, I’m so sorry, sir.”


The ugly man leered at her, almost drooling. “Well I didn’t order anything, but I’m sure we can find something to do if you wanna stay.” He winked suggestively at her.


Buffy put her hands up and took a few steps back until she was standing outside.


“Sorry, but I'll pass. I’ve got the wrong room… Or at least, I hope I do. Spike is not in there, is he? Please tell me he’s not cause that'd be really disturbing.”


“No. He’s not.” Spike answered from the doorway of room 337.


She turned her head sharply to look at him. He was a mess. Barefoot, wearing nothing but his black leather pants, his hair sticking out in every direction, his eyes red. And he didn’t seem too thrilled to see her. She took a few tentative steps towards him, until they were standing face to face.


“Spike…”


“If you’re here to fuck me, hurt me, and walk away, then you can skip straight to the walking away part. “


“No! No, that’s not…” Buffy broke down, not even bothering to try fighting the tears.


Spike stood there, not sure of what was happening. He was internally fighting with his own emotions. Caving in, he took Buffy’s hand and gently led her inside the room and to the bed where they lay down. She hid her face in his chest, doing all the crying she hadn’t let herself do for the last six months since she’d been back.


Things were done according to Spike’s rules for once: there was no fucking, no hurting, and no walking away.


He just held Buffy until she cried herself to sleep.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~