I own nothing, it all belongs to Joss.
WARNING: contains scenes of rape, if you're sensitive leave now.

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I was screaming. He was on me again violating me taking what innocence I had left. I made myself go to that place where I was safe. There, he couldn't reach. I was unfocused and it helped, a little. Not much but it made it easier to not focus on the pain.

He left me again after having spent himself. All I could think was thank god the bastard kept using condoms.

I fell into a sleep wrought with nightmares. Nightmares of how it started, of feeling it was my fault. I wanted it to end. I could no longer live like this. He had taken me in the middle of the day from school under the guise of a friendly lunch. I had followed him and that was probably the biggest mistake of my life. He drugged me. I had gone on one pity date with him because a friend of mine liked his friend.

So, he drugged me and this is where I ended up. That was a little over a week ago. He had been feeding me roughly once a day and I had had about seven or eight meals, though I passed out several times from the pain, so it could have been more. That had been the last day of school for the year. And summer session didn't start for two weeks after the main year ended.

I was waiting to die now. I had no idea where I was, but I was in constant pain. Any hope I had was gone believing my family and friends had left for their summers. I hoped the end would come soon, I couldn't stand the pain much longer.

I guessed at the time, having nothing to do but count the seconds as they ticked by. It seemed to be a few hours after he had used me the last time that he was back. I feared he would come for another round, but he wasn't alone, there were other voices than his. "Help me." I whispered, it was useless, I knew no one could hear me, my voice was so hoarse from screaming in pain.

"Where is she?" The voice growled.

"In there." My tormentor sounded scared. I had hope.

I was having trouble adjusting to the light that entered the room I was in. Once I did, I vaguely recognized the guy holding my attacker by the shirt. He was a student who worked part time as a security guard for the campus. The cops came in the room behind him.

He dropped Parker Abrhams and made his way to the bed I was tied to. "Thank you." I whispered before passing out from pain and relief.

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This is my first fanfic. Please review

Disclaimer in chapter one, now on with the story

Chapter Two


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I woke up, for a few very paniced moments I thought it had all been a dream. I thought my rescue was the last shreds of hope playing tricks with my mind. I thought I was still in that dark room tied to the bed. Those thoughts kept running through my mind until the beeping of several machines stopped the haze and brought me to reality.

I opened my eyes, the room was dark, and I was alone. I pushed a button on the bed, not knowing what it would do. When a young woman entered the room, I assumed it said nurse.

"Oh, hi, you're up. That is great, I'm Tara by the way." She smiled and went around checking all the machines.

"Buffy." I nodded.

"Do you remember what happened?" she asked.

"I was kidnapped and raped repeatedly. Um," I started with tears entering my vision.

"Hey, you're safe here." She reassured me. "The police are right outside, they'd like to speak to you if you're alright with that."

I simply nodded as the tears continued to fall. The police came in and Tara left. They questioned me and I answered to the best my memory allowed. I mentioned the drugs he gave me when it all started.

Tara came back in when the police had left. "The police informed me you wanted to carry through with the charges."

I nodded and she continued. "We have to do a rape exam to gather evidence. You okay with that?"

"Yeah, but he always used a condom." I replied lying back as she instructed me to.

"There is the other evidence. The abuse, we'll be taking some pictures to keep the signs of the assault for evidence. There's also the drugs you mentioned. They may still be in your system. And the kidnapping. You ready?" She asked.

I nodded. Tara performed the exam and talked with the doctor.

I curled into the fetal position on the bed and let my tears come. "Buffy, hey, do you have anyone we can call for you?"

I took a deep breath. "What's the date? I asked.

"Uh," she checked her watch, "May tenth."

"Then no, my mom and sister are gone and so are my best friends. They left yesterday." I let out a pained laugh.

"Okay," she nodded, feeling bad for me now that I was really alone after such a traumatic event. "We're gining you a sedative to help you sleep."

"Thank you." I nodded. I was alseep almost immediately after she left.

TBC...

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as always, please review, feedback helps the chapters arrive faster

disclaimer in one.


Chapter Three
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I was released two dauys later, they had kept me longer for observation. The police escorted me back to my dorm room.

I locked myself in and dove straight into my bed. I cried. The tears wouldn't stop. I eventually fell asleep from exhaustion. The heaving sobs having worn me out.

I woke a few hours later. I looked around the dorm room I had shared with Willow all year. She had been my best friend since high school. It was a room that reflected the innocence of both of us. I couldn't stand the lies it now held for me. It possessed an innocence that I no longer felt. It had been cruelly ripped from me.

I screamed and started ripping posters off my walls. I stayed on my side of the room however, I knew Willow was still very much an innocent. I broke the glass in picture frames, hoping to wipe the innocence of the self I saw that still had innocence. I stopped having seemingly destroyed almost my entire side of the room. I compared it to Willow's side, her innocence was still intact and I couldn't be the one who would rip that away. Like it had been ripped away for me, by Parker, by a rapist.

I laid down on my bed and cried myself to sleep. I woke screaming not more than an hour later. The nightmares were taking over.

I sat up for the rest of the night crying and holding the only thing left of my innocence. A stuffed pig that I was given when I was a child. Mr. Gordo, the pig, was all I had left this summer, I was alone.

A week later I hadn't had much sleep, maybe a few hours if that each night. The nightmares were unrelenting. I was reliving the entire experience each time I closed my eyes. I was at the point where I didn't even want to attempt sleep anymore.

My physical bruises were healing. I had to go get a cheek up, I went back to the hospital and Tara stayed while the doctor cheeked me out. She mentioned I looked beat, and suggested I go see a counsellor, "His name is Rupert Giles, he works on your campus. He's good, he helped me when I went through it, you really need to talk to someone about it." She smiled.

I took his card and made the appointment. It was for the next day around three in the afternoon. After booking my appointment, I made my way to the Student's Union area in the lobby of my dorm building. That's where they were holding the registration for Summer session.

I got my class list, the registration was making me quite uncomfortable. I had spent the week since my release pretty much alone, not leaving my dorm room unless I had to.

I was at the last table, for the deposit on the fees. I was met with a bleached blonde man, he was the one who had rescued me. I just stared for a few moments, not doing anything but standing there.

Without looking up he smiled and asked, "May I have your class list please?"

"What?" I asked still staring.

He looked up and his eyes showed recognition. "I need your class list love."

"Okay," I handed it to him, still in a slight trance from seeing the guy who rescued me for the first time, other than that of the actual end of physical torment. He processed it and I paid the deposit. He got someone to come and cover for him.

He led me away from the registration area. I followed him outside into the quad. "You're looking less bruised, but really tired."

"Thank you." I breathed with tears clouding my vision.

"Come on love," he led me to some benches and got me to sit down.

"Who are you?" I asked.

"William Giles, everybody but my dad calls me Spike."

"I owe you my life." I wiped my eyes.

"You okay right now?"

"I just haven't been getting much sleep lately." I replied. "How did you find me?"

"You found me love." He grinned.

I smiled, it was the first real smile in so long. "No, I mean, when Parker had me locked up?"

"You know I work security for the campus. I know your friend Xander, I saw him the other day, he and, Willow is it? They were leaving early, he hadn't seen you for a few days and asked me to make sure you were okay. Willow said you had gone on a pity date with Abrhams. He has a file here, it has a few complaints, but nothing they could actually pin to him, until you. I was playing pool with my mates in the bar near here. Abrhams was bragging about some chick he had scored with, I got worried from what Xander said, and that you never showed for the party for the psych class we both took."

"You found out I was missing form all that?" I asked.

"That and when I confronted him he was drunk and I threatened bodily harm." He grinned.

"Thank you." I nodded.

"So, you're not gettin' much sleep?"

"No," I shook my head, "I've been having nightmares."

"You know what's good for those?" He asked. I shook my head. "Lots and lots of scary movies." He said deadpan.

"You're kidding right?"

"Oh, bloody hell no, it's all comedy. Come on, the formula for tose movies is better than any comedy I have ever seen. So, how 'bout it? Make some popcorn, take over the dorm community room TV, and laugh our asses off?"

I laughed for the first time in a long time. "Yeah, sounds good." I nodded.

"Great, Tonight alright? I'll get the pizza and the movies. You grab some popcorn and drinks?"

"Tonight's fine and yeah, I can get popcorn and drinks."

"Excellent, I'll meet you in the big room on the third floor?"

I nodded, "I'll see you tonight." I went back in to finish getting my schedule printed up. I made a quick run to the campus store to get the provisions for the night and head back to my room.

TBC....

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please review.

Chapter Four

disclaimer in one.

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The movie night began with me asleep on one of the couchs. I had taken a sleeping pill earlier in hopes of having a full night's sleep that night. I guess it took affect a little earlier than I thought. I had passed out reading a book waiting for Will.

I woke up for the first time since being released from the hospital on my own. I wasn't woken by a nightmare of my rape and kidnap disturbing my slumber.

As I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes I noticed I wasn't in my room, but in the big room still. There was some light coming in the windows from outside, it puzzled me, but it was summer, longer days, I thought. I also noticed Will sitting in the chair by the couch, he was reading.

"Mhmm, what time is it?" I asked.

"Hmm, oh, 'bout six a.m. love," he replied.

"Six a.m.?" I asked wide eyed.

"Yeah, you slept a good twelve hours at least. I found you asleep here at six last night, don't know how long you were asleep before that." He chuckled.

"Twelve hours?" I stretched languidly. "I guess I caught up some."

"Didn't want to disturb you pet, you said you hadn't been sleeping well. You looked peaceful, so I just stayed to make sure you were safe."

"Thanks," I looked at him strangely. "Um, I'm going to head back to my room."

"Sure pet." He stood as I did. Hmm, quite the gentleman. I picked up the blanket that had fallen off me as I stood. "Is this yours?"

"Oh, right, you were shivering in your sleep. Thought you were cold so I put it over you."

"Thanks," I said my brows furrowed in confusion. I just shrugged it off. I turned to leave.

"Buffy, your book," he smiled handing me the novel I had been reading before having passed out. I took it from him and nodded bye o him. Hmm, William Giles, you certainly are a puzzle.

I got back to my room deciding it was still to early to do anything but try and get some more sleep. I looked around at my now barren walls, I had cleared out Willow's side, trying to hide from my loss of innocence with a lack of anything in the whole room.

I sank into bed, ignoring the way Parker had screwed me up. I pulled my covers and Mr. Gordo, the pig, to me and started to doze off. The inclings of memories began flashing through my head, unconciously beginning the cycle of nightmares. I also didn't notice the tears that accompanied this and was crying myself to sleep.

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I woke not knowing where I was or how I got there. I was waking much slower than usual, something was slowing down my motorskills. That's when I started remembering the lunch with Parker, and him saying something before everything went black.

I woke much quicker now as a burst of adrenaline hit me. I tried to get up, hell, just to move. I was being restrained and the comfines were biting into me the more I struggled.

"You're finally awake?" He asked.

That's when I noticed Parker sitting there nude. I felt a breeze and found that I too was completely naked. I paniced.

"Don't worry Buffy. I love you." He said quietly as he approached the bed.

I screamed as he pounced thrustign into me dry, even with a condom on. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I screamed myself hoarse. The screams turned to whimpers when he finished and left me alone with the smell of my own blood. I was raped, kidnapped, and completely violated. I was hoping I would just die now, but in my mind I knew this was only the beginning of hell.

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I was screaming but I couldn't wake up. I was aware of shaking and slowly came out of it.

Will was there a paniced expression marring his features. "Are you okay?"

I sat up and curled into a ball. Without looking at him I shook my head crying. I unconciously started rocking back and forth, trying to comfort myself and forget.

"I was taking my crap to my room and I heard you screaming. I didn't mean to scare you being here when you woke." He backed away from my bedside.

I looked up at him, complete fear showing on my face. Not at him, but at my situation, my complete aloneness, not having my mom or my bestfriends to help me. I was tired, and getting sick from a lack of sleep. I didn't fear Will, for some reason, I couldn't be around men right now, but him I could be around. He had saved me, stopped the abouse, protected me.

"Could you, s-stay, while I fall a-asleep?" I asked, begged really, needing to feel safe, protected.

"Yeah love," he nodded. "I'll stay."

He sat in my chair and picked up the novel again. I fell asleep, waking up around noon. I was rested once again. Will had fallen asleep reading. I returned the favor and covered him with a blanket. I moved to get cleaned up and to head to my appointment with the councillor. I left Will a note for when he woke up, not wanting to worry him that I wasn't there.

TBC.....

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sugegestions are always welcome, they help. please review

Chapter Five
disclaimer in one.

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I arrived at Mr. Giles' office a little early. My appointment was at three. After leaving the dorm I had taken my laundry to my mom's place on Revello Drive. I grabbed lunch and made my way here.

I wasn't sitting in the waiting room long. Mr. Giles came out of his office studying a chart or something.

He looked up from whatever it was, "ah, you must be Miss Summers?" I nodded and followed him back into his office.

"Please, have a seat," he motioned to a leather chair that sat across from him at his desk. It was the same as his, no large back, but still comfortable. I assumed he tried to keep himself on the same level as his patients by having the same chairs. His office was quite large, and filled with books. The office was in impeccable order save for the man's desk. It looked as though it was in the wrong room completely.

I watched the older man take his seat behind the desk. He was well put together, very clean looking. His glasses were currently in his hands being cleaned. he looked to be at least in his early fifties. He matched the rest of the office, very professional looking, in a suit, but again, my attention was drawn to his cluttered desk.

"So, Miss Summers?" He smiled at me replacing his glasses. The man must do that a lot, the rag he used just tossed on the top of the mess that was his desk.

"A friend of mine recommended I speak with you." I replied.

"What about?" he inquired. I got the feeling I could trust this man, which was a little hard to understand as I only really talked to Spike, Tara, the police, and a doctor since the attack. I had avoided society anyway I could.

"I was abducted." I began, "but it's a little more complicated. The bastard that took me, he. . . " my speech faltered, I had only really told the police everything that had happened.

"Miss Summers, would you like a drink, tea o-or water?" He was trying to put me at ease, his voice was helping, it had a calming lull to it. I was scared, I hated reliving the attacks. I had hated tellin the police, having had to vomit several times after having to go through the exact details again.

"Tea would be good, thank you Mr. Giles." I managed a half-smile with very tired eyes. Between waking rested this morning for the first time in weeks, and now, I had become increasingly tired.

Mr. Giles headed into another room, he came back a short while later carrying two steaming cups of tea. "Perhaps you'd prefer the sofa, it's a little more comfortable than these chairs." he handed me the china cup. It warmed my hands, which since I started my tale had become cold and slightly clammy.

I nodded and moved to the large couch. "You were saying?" he gave an unreadable expression, it was very comforting however.

I managed to continue. I told him about Parker having taken me prisoner, waking bound, gagged, and nuce on a bed. I told him how Parker raped me. "He did things to me, the repeated rape, but there will be scars. He, um, he physically marked me."

"What do you mean?"

"He, uh, he cut me and burned me, he kept the wounds open to help the scarring process. Most of the abbrasions aren't going to heal properly so I'll never be rid of hte memories I'll be reminded everyday when I look in the mirror."

"You know that it's over rithe. He can't hurt you again. And the scars, most could probably be repaired with surgery."

"I know," I nodded.

"It wasn't your fault. I can guarantee you that."

I looked into my teacup, as if it held answers to my fears. I gave no reaction to Mr. Giles' last statement.

"Miss Summers," when I didn't respond he used my given name, "Buffy?" To this I looked up. I wasn't even aware I had been crying, but as tears streamed down my cheeks, he repeated his earlier statement, "You aren't the party at fault here Buffy. Parker did this to you. There is no excuse, none, he is the attacker. You are not responsible for that young man's actions. He and he alone is responsible. He is at fault," Mr. Giles forced me to look into his eyes while he said every word of his triade.

The tears came harder. They wouldn't stop, I couldn't understand what he was saying now. The tears were overwhelming. I closed my eyes and pulled my knees to my chest.

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I became aware of soft music playing. I had a feeling of warmth and safety.

I woke up fully and became aware of my surroundings. I was still on the sofa in Mr. Giles' office. I must have cried myself to sleep. I had a blanket around me and he older man was sitting at his desk. I sat up and moved, Mr. Giles noticed me rising.

"I'm glad you're finally awake Miss Summers. I was worried when you passed out, though you did mention you haven't had much sleep as of late, so it is understandable."

"What time is it?" I asked wiping the sleep from my eyes.

"Oh, well," he searched for the clock on his desk. "It's about seven."

"Oh, god, Mr. Giles, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to ruin your whole afternoon."

"Miss Summers, really, I didn't have much to do."

"But with me asleep, god having cried myself to sleep, the rest fo your patients wouldn't have been able to speak with you."

"Miss Summers, we do have other rooms, and you needn't be worried, your reaction was a very good first step toward really healing."

I nodded and ran my hand over my hair to fix the sleeping damage.

"I believe you would benefit from the group sessions as well, they meet here on Thursday evenings, but I'd also like to continue the one on one sessions for a while."

Again I just nodded, I was numb from relaying my trauma for the first time to someone who wasn't a police officer. "Thursday?"

"Yes, and next week at he same time for a personnal session."

I took the information he handed me and left his office. It was starting to get dark and I really didn't like walking alone on campus anytime, let alone at night. I ran to one of the security phones they placed on campus. I called to get an officer to escort me back to my dorm room.

As I waited, Amy a classmate came by and we spoke. She headed to her car just as I saw Will walk up. "Hello love," he smiled.

"What're you doing here?" I asked.

"Oh, I was getting off work when you called." He said pointing down at his uniform. "I was headed in that direction anyway. Offered to take it as my last call of the night."

I nodded and we headed in the direction of the dorms. I got to my room, thanked Will and locked the door after he left.

Sleep was elusive like most nights since I had been abducted.

TBC.....

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please R&R, any suggestions welcome, i'd like to know what you think and how I should continue

Chapter 6:

Group started the Thursday after my session with Mr. Giles. I kinda just sat back for the most part and observed. Tara came in part way through apologizing about working later than she had planned.

I found out she had been abused and neglected by her family after her mother had passed away. They encouraged me to talk, I didn't do much, but they were cool about it.

I called security for an escort back to the dorms. Will showed up.

"How was your day?" He asked, attempting to make small talk.

"It was alright," I shrugged, smiling tentatively at the attempt.

"Ready for school to start Monday?"

"I guess, it's a lot of people to be around."

"You're not comfortable in big groups." He said it as more of a statement than an actual question.

"Nah," I shook me head. "I've spent too much time on my own. Women aren't too bad." I confessed. "It's really more of a paranoia around men right now."

"Even me?"

"You rescued me." I shook my head, blushing slightly at his smile.

"What if one of the other guys came to walk you home?"

"You're all security. They're in uniforms. I can deal with uniforms, not too much else."

We walked quietly the rest of the way to the dorm.

"Thanks for walking me again. I appreciate it." I said at my door.

"My pleasure love, guess I'll see you Monday?"

"Yeah, I guess we have classes together."

"All of them actually." He nodded.

"I'll see you Monday morning then."

I spent the entire weekend in my dorm room alone.

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Monday morning I walked to class. It was pretty nice out. Gorgeous sunshine and a nice breeze, that took the edge off the heat wave Sunnydale was going through. I ran into Tara, we were both getting coffee to start the day. We smiled and did the small talk thing while waiting at the coffee hutch outside the lecture building.

"What're you doing here?" I asked, "It's a little bit of a walk from the hospital."

"It's much too early, I don't work today, school starts, I hate morning classes, hence the coffee. I assume you see that on a similar note seeing as you took the double shot of espresso?" Tara smiled inhaling her coffee.

"I agree muchly with the too early bit, but I didn't get much sleep over the weekend." I replied.

Tara gave me a knowing smile, "The espresso will definitely get you to wake up then."

"I didn't know you were going to school?" We headed away from the hutch after paying the man.

"Oh, yeah, working on a degree in psychology. Giles has helped me so much, and kinda inspired me to get into it. Nursing is simply what I was forced into, it's paying tuition for what I want to do." She grinned.

"So," I began as we made our way into the oddly busy brown building. "Do you have the evil Professor.."

"Jamieson?" she laughed.

"Yeah," I nodded.

"That man is one freaky little toad." Tara laughed.

We walked into the lecture hall and took two seats together.

The class began filling closer to the start of class. It was a smaller lecture hall, mainly because it was summer session and not as many students took classes, opting to party the summer away in L.A.

Dr. Jaimieson was starting the lecture when a student came through the doors. I held back my giggle at the state Will was in. "Glad you could join us William. Perhaps next time you could be punctual instead of tardy."

"Sorry sir." Will apologized, but didn't really mean it as he was rolling his eyes the entire time Jaimieson was speaking.

"Just take a seat so I may continue." The old man was getting impatient.

"Yes, sir." He headed toward the empty seat beside me.

"I really liked the entrance." I whispered.

"Thanks love. Who's the lovely lady on your other side?" He sent a smile at Tara who was also laughing at him.

"Tara Spike, Spike Tara." I introduced them. We all tried listening and staying awake during the monotonous lecture Dr. Jaimieson was giving. He introduced the first project and assigned the groups. Tara, Spike, and I were working together.

Chapter 7:

The project for psych was the midterm project. Each group received a particular topic and had to do a lecture and that topic. Midterms were a month away so we had plenty of time to research and plan.

I continued to go to therapy, both the personnal and group sessions. It was helping, I was no where near ready to get back to my old self, the carefree girl who was up for anything. Big groups were not as bad, but being alone with a guy other than Giles or Spike, I was paranoid.

Tara and I had become friends. I shared at group about what happened. Telling others helped, it eased some pain. My emotional scars were far from healed, but hey the physical ones the bastard left me with would be around forever too.

Will and I were sitting on one of he many benches that littered the quad. It was really just a huge courtyard in the middle of campus. It was gorgeous though and a perfect day, as most were when you lived in California. We were outside eating and cramming for our philosophy test, hoping the fresh air would help our brains absorb the information.

Tara ran over to us, "Hey, geez, take a break." She closed our books. "A bunch of us are going to the beach, wanna come?"

"We have a test, next." I nearly yelled.

"I know, lighten up. We're in the same class. We leave tomorrow morning around eight. We're going to do the whole day thing. Beach volleyball, swimming, tanning, bonfire at sundown, fireworks, the whole bit." She grinned.

"Sounds like a blast pet." Will grinned.

"You in Buffy?" Tara asked.

"Yeah, come on love, sun, sand, ocean, fire?" Will grinned.

"I don't know," I shrugged.

"Aw come on Buffy," Will pouted, jutting his lower lip out, and pulling out the puppy dog eyes, that looked odd on him when Buffy knew the trick, she and her sister had used it often.

Tara arched an eyebrow at Will, shaking her head before starting again. "Yeah, Buffy, come on, we deserve the break."

"I'll think about it okay?" I half-smiled, but it got them to ease up.

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The exam that afternoon was long. Will had to work right after, said bye and left me and Tara at the entrance of the ugly brown lecture hall. "So, what's the realy reason you are hesitating about going to the beach. I promise no aloneness with guys you don't know." Tara asked linking her arm with mine as we left the building walking out through the quad.

"Come on Tara, you were the nurse when I was admitted. You know where that bastard left the scars." We were heading to dinner before group. Tomorrow, besides being Friday, was a free day, no school, which was the reason for the whole day excursion to the beach.

"Buffy, are you serious?" She asked.

"Yeah, they'll show with any bathingsuit I own."

"Then I'm taking you shopping so that you don't have an excuse." Tara led me to Main Street, the big shopping area for Sunnydale.

We got a black two piece. The top was a black camisole, the bottoms were bikini, but to cover the scars on my upper thighs we got a pair of navy board shorts.

"So will you go now?" She pushed as we got dinner at the mall. Tara had a salad and a veggie burger, while I ate a personnal pizza.

I didn't answer, still saying I needed to think some more and immediately changed the subject. I could tell Tara was worried. Over the last two weeks we had gotten close, almost as close as I was to Willow, probably closer now because of the rape and abduction. I didn't even think about dealing with any of them. I couldn't handle that, not having them here was bad enough, but thinking about their reactions was eating away, I didn't even know if I could still be around them. They hadn't been there, left not knowing where I was and that had really hurt.

We ended up getting to group early and helped Giles set up. "You two seem in good spirits." Giles stated setting the refreshments out.

"Beach celebration tomorrow." Tara explained. "Majorly evil philosophy test today, no school tomorrow, so hence the kick ass party being thrown tomorrow."

"That's excellent ladies."

"Well if Buffy would actually agree to come it will be." Tara grinned.

"You should join them Buffy, everyone deserves some fun after a horrendous test. And philosphy is the most horrendous, so I would suggest you go. Have fun, you deserve it."

"I'm thinking about it." I replied, still unsure if a beach was the greatest place to go.

"I'll let you ladies discuss this, I must go fetch something I forgot in my office." Giles left us to the slowly filling room.

Group turned out to be a big laugh that night. We celebrated one of the women's birthdays.

I called security again after group for someone to walk me home. I walked to Tara's car with her while I waited.

"So, you're coming right?" she asked again. "It'll suck without you. Come on, ocean, sun, it will be fun, I promise. I know you haven't let yourself let go and enjoy life since it happened."

"Tara," I was about to protest against, but decided I'd give it a try. "Fine, I'll come."

"Good, oh lover boy's waiting." Tara pointed as she started the engine and drove off.

I was shaking my head laughing when Will walked over. "What's so funny love?" "Oh, nothing, just something Tara said." I replied and picked my bag up off the cool grass. "Where's your uniform?"

"Oh, since we're heading to the beach bright and early, I got off early, and I had to walk you to the dorms. Did you decide if you were coming with?"

"Tara talked me into it." I nodded. We began walking across the darkened campus. It was really a quiet night. The stars were very visible, with the sun down, it cooled of a bit, but the head was still in the air.

"Will I really appreciate this." I said when we arrived at the dorm.

"No problem love, it's my job." He shrugged, "but, hey, I enjoy the company."

"I guess I'll see you in the morning then."

"To the beach we go love."

I shook my head, "Goodnight Will."

"Night Buffy." He nodded and headed to his own room.

Chapter 8:

The beach was a blast. We just hung out, swimming, playing games, and suntanning. The bonfire was nice at the end of the night. We had a big barbeque, eating hotdogs roasted off the fire, making smores, listening to tunes. It was the greatest night, the greatest day. I got to have fun, something I hadn't really allowed myself to do since even before the rape and abduction. I got to be a normal girl again. I didn't even think about what had happened before. I was just Buffy, just the Californian girl who was happy.

Will had to leave early, I got him to drive me back as well, the day was fun, but I was exhausted.

I fell asleep at some point on the ride back to town. "Come on love, wake up, we're back." He shook my arm after stopping the car and turning it off.

"Fie mo mints." I shook my head still asleep.

He chuckled and lifted me out of the car. One arm behind my back, the other under my knees, he craddled me to his chest and carried me upstairs to my room.

Will opened the door after tking my keys out of my bag. He set my bag on Willow's bed. He laid me gently on my bed. I had put my arms around his neck when he had lifted me from the car, now I wouldn't let go.

He didn't want to wake me so he gently pried my arms off him. Will watched me for a moment before heading out, locking the door on his way.

I had a peaceful sleep that night most likely from the excitement at the beach all day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Midterms came quickly. Our project went well, actually it went very well. We received the highest mark in the class.

I was at hom, mom's house. Will and I were studying while I did my laundry. We were working on our English Lit. The midterm was on Shakespeare. "How can you say you don't get Macbeth?" I asked bringing us each a soda. "It's like the easiest out of Shakespeare's plays, well besides Romeo and Juliet that is."

"I just don't, I mean, what the hell, his wife went crazy, she reminds me of my ex Dru. But he got evil, don't get the witches or the supposed significance of that scene between the old man and Ross."

"It's all about the chain of being. A heirarchy, you do know what that is don't you?" I mocked and he stuck his tongue out at me. "You know, the who's who of nature. It depicts how the world is becoming chaotic, that nature is sensing the wrongness that Macbeth has created."

"Oh, sure cause horses eating eachother is mirrored in humanity, I don't think so."

"Agrh, you know you suck, it's so simple." I heard the door open.

"Buffy, are you home?"

"Mom?" I called, getting up from the couch.

"Hey sweetie," she hugged me. "I thought you'd be at the dorm. Midterms are taking place right now aren't they?"

"Oh, yeah, Will and I are studying, but I had to do some laundry, wouldn't want a stinky Buffy. So, I'm killing two birds with one stone."

"Buffy, who's car is that?" Dawn asked, carrying her bag inside.

"Oh, that's Will's." I replied.

"Why would Willow drive that hunk of junk?" she asked with a very disgusted face.

I laughed. "No, not Willow's, William's. Willow and Xander are still gone." I replied a little bitterly.

"Hellos, Ms. Summers, I'm William. You must be Dawn, I'd prefer it if you didn't ridicule my car, it's a classic." He smiled at her and she blushed.

"Nice to meet you William. Buffy, can I talk to you in the kitchen?" She asked heading there.

"Yeah," I nodded, following her to the kitchen. "What's up?"

"I know you're not a teenager anymore, but sweetie, I'm still not a fan of you having your boyfriend over when I'm not home."

"Mom, Will isn't my boyfriend," I laughed. I so wasn't anywhere near ready to date. "He's just a friend, he needed help with Shakespeare, he's hopeless."

"Okay sweetie," She smiled once and headed back to the living room. I followed her out. We found Will teasing a very red Dawn.

"Hey love, I gotta head to work if you want a ride back to campus before group."

"Oh, right, shoot I forgot that was changed to tonight." I started cleaning up the mess we made. Will helped. "That'd be great. Mom, I'll come by tomorrow to grab my laundry kay? The last load is just un the dryer."

"Okay sweetie, are you going to a study group?"

My face fell. I'd have to tell her. "Uh, no, it's a discussion thing. I'll tell you about it tomorrow when I come for my laundry. I have a test in the morning, but I'll come by after, how about we have some lunch?"

"Alright dear." She nodded. "It was nice meeting you William."

"You too Ms. Summers." He smiled. "See ya later Dawn." He grinned at her making her blush.

We took our books and headed to campus. Will had toget his uniform and it was a while before group started so I worked on my philosophy paper.

I talked a bit in group asking for advice on talking to my mom about it. Will was going to walk me home as usual, but I met him at the security pavilion. "So, not afraid of the big bad anymore?" he teased when we left, heading back to the dorms.

"You can just shut up. I'm getting better, you know that. No more jumping when someone brushes against me by accident on the sidewalk."

"Yeah, I know love. You haven't woken up the entire building with the screams in a while." He grinned when I hit him. We said goodnight. I fell asleep thinking about what I'd say to my mom the next day, I didn't worry about the test. I had Shakespeare down.

Chapter 9:

The test went well. I finished early. I headed straight home afterward. Dawn was in the kitchen watching television. "Hey Dawnie, where's mom?"

"Kitchen, she's making lunch. You did say you were coming."

"I know." I replied.

"What? No friend today?" Dawn asked. "He was cute. I like him much better than your last boyfriend. Angel was a total loser."

"He was wasn't he." I grinned. "But Dawnie, Will isn't my boyfriend. Just a friend, we had to study for the test we had this morning."

"Yuck. I have no idea why you would want to go to school in the summer." She made a face.

"What, school's not the only thing I do. I have friends."

"I thought you said Willow and Xander were gone."

"HEY! They're not my only friends. William, Tara, Faith, Cordy. I have other friends."

"Sure Buffy," she grinned.

"Oh, Buffy, you're here, good. Sweetie, I finished your laundry, it's in the basket."

"Oh, mom, you didn't have to do that."

"Since you moved to the dorm, I've missed taking care of you." She shook her head.

"Thanks mom." I gave her a hug.

"So how's school?"

"Great, me, Will, and Tara totally kicked butt on our psych.. My philosophy paper is good, hope it'll get an A and the Shakespeare test was pretty easy."

"That's great. Lunch is almost ready." She smiled setting dishes down on the island.

"Mom, um, I nedd to tell you somehting." My eyes were shining with unshed tears.

"Buffy, honey, what's wrong?" Joyce asked her voice full of concern.

"It started a few days before you left. I had planned on seeing you all to teh airport. You and Dawn and Xander and Willow." I sat on a stool at the island. Mom stopped what she was doing and moved to sit next to me. "I had gone on a pity dat e with Parker Abrams for Willow, and some guy she liked, Oz.

"He asked me to join him for lunch to discuss something. I tried making it clear I wasn't interested, but he said it was about school. At lunch he slipped something into my drink or my food. I passed out at somepoint. When I woke up I was chained to a bed in a dark room. I was naked. Parker was sitting there also naked, waiting for me to wake up. As soon as I did, he attacked me, raping me, hitting me. He did this for over a week. Hurting me, raping me, cutting me, burning me. Will was the one who found me mom. He rescued me. I pressed charges.

"The group I went to last night that you asked about. It's group therapy. I've been going pretty much since a week after it happened. We meet everyweek, and I am also still seeing a psychologist one on one."

"Oh god, sweetie, you should have called. You're okay though, you didn't get anything from him?"

"No, I'm okay, no diseases, no pregnancy. Just physical and emotional scars."

"Oh, honey," she hugged me. "Buffy, why didn't you call?"

"I didn't want to wreck your trip. I know you need to go on these buying trips. More than that though was that I couldn't functioin after it happened. I probably destroyed your itinerary when I got home from the hospital, I had a bit of a fit.

"After spending three days in the hospital, I stayed in bed for over a week before I had a checkup. Tara was great, she got me to talk to a councillor and Will was the only male I was comfortable around besides Giles, the councillor.

"I got sleep deprived, got sick because of my lack of sleep and not eating properly. The nightmares were constant, they still pretty much are. I have good days now, they're starting to get more numerous. The bad days though....

"On the bad days, I never want to get out of bed. Will and TAra are helping a lot with that. There are days they let me stay in bed. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't be doing as well in classes as I am.

"I've thrown myself into school. The dorm room is pretty much empty, I couldn't deal with the innocence Willow and I had. That's what my breakdown was when I was released, pretty much destroyed my side of the room."

"Did you at least tell Willow?" My mom asked.

"No mom, she doesn't know, and she hasn't called either, but she'll be back in a few weeks." I shrugged.

"Well, lunch is ready." She stated. "Dawn, lunch."

The three of us sat, doing the small talk thing and eating. Dawn was talking about all the clothes she saw, "oh, that reminds me, we brought you some stuff, but you're still all tomboy, I thought it was just yesterday, what with you doing laundry. What's up with that?"

"Just like being comfy Dawnie, why dress to impress lame guys who know nothing." I lied. "Plus, I had a test today. Gotta be relaxed and extra comfy."

"Sure, um could I come visit at the dorm?" She asked flashing the evil puppy dog eyes.

"Maybe later Dawnie. I've got midterms right now and so does Will."

"That's not why I want to visit." She stormed out of the kitchen taking her food with her.

"She has a crush on William, he's all I heard about after the two of you left yesterday."

"I know, I could tell when she started blushing when he introduced himself."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We had a good lunch, mom treid to convince me to come home, but I explained that paranoia of walking alone at night, and since cars and Buffy didn't work, living off campus wouldn't work out too well. She understood, or at least she said she did.

I headed back to campus. It was late afternoon, the sun was out and I didn't have another test till Tuesday.

I was peaceful, I sat on one of the many benches littered around the quad. I took out a bood and sat down. Ever since the rape happened, I had gotten more into ready, and school, concentrating on that rather than my lack of a social life, or the trauma that had been committed against me.

I looked up from my book when a shadow was cast over me. "Hey Buffy." He grinned.

tbc...

Chapter 10:

I looked up from my book, already knowing the source of the voice. When my eyes turned upward, I was looking into the face of Parker Abrahms, staring down at me. He had blocked the light, the sun, much like he had when he abducted me. I quenched the urge to immediately run. Knowing that the quad was full of people, several sitting just around the corner, not two feet away.

"Hey Buffy," he grinned, like he was something special. His face, and manner, held a condescending tone. One I really didn't like. He was patronizing, and worst of all, he was outside, not rotting in jail.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, fighting to keep the fear out of my voice.

"Just coming by to see you and say no hard feelings about those charges you laid on me." He grinned and took a seat beside me. "And to see if you wanted to hang out a while." Parker was leering now, I had no idea what he had to leer about. He had attacked and raped me for Christ sakes.

"Frankly, I was just leaving. And if you don't mind, you and I aren't friends, so stay the hell away from me."

I got up, grabbed my books and walked as fast as I could away from him without running. Once I knew I was out of sight of my previous position, I ran, I ran faster than I ever had before. I didn't stop for a long time, not running in any real direction, in circles around campus probably. When I did finally stop, it was only because of exhaustion. I found myself outside the security booth. I knew Will was working, he had the day shift since school was doing the week break after midterms ended. I walked in, holding myself together until I sat down. My body landed in the chair and I just collapsed, gasping for air, the tears that started to fall were not helping me catch my breath, but making it much more difficult to breath.

"Hey, Will, you're friend is here." I was aware of someone yelling. I felt hands grab me and I jerked away, lashing out at the person who had touched me. I made contact with something, I was unaware of much, finally nearly passing out from physical exhaustion of the run and the emotional exhaustion of having to face Parker after telling my mom what had happened, reliving the hell I had gone through for over a week. I sat back down, being left alone until I had calmed slightly.

Will approached me, I noticed he had a bruise forming under his eye. I remembered lashing out, really hoping I hadn't been the one that did that. "I'm sorry, if I did that." I pointed to the forming black eye.

"No harm done, pet. Well, my pride maybe, haven't been beaten up by a girl in years." He grinned, trying to get me to crack even the tiniest hint of a smile.

I looked into his eyes, letting him see the tears, the pain, and everyother emotion that I had stored up. I had never fully started to face what had happened, always telling it as a detached voice, like it was a story, that it had not really happened to me.

"He's out, he approached me in the quad, I ran." I told Will, he didn't have to question who the 'he' I was refering to was, Will knew.

"How? Do you want me to take you to the police? He didn't do anything did he?" Will was stunned, how could they have let the bastard out? He thought.

"The police, I need answers." I replied. I sat there, waiting while he talked to his boss to get off early. I waited and he came out in his regular clothes carrying his duffel and getting his keys out. I followed him to his car, huddling into myself. The ride to the station was made in complete silence. Will had made a few attempts at conversation, well, he had at least started to make an attempt. I couldn't even look at him. I was hiding, curled into a ball on the passenger seat.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The station was quiet. Will walked me inside, I was looking down, avoiding eye contact with anyone. He stayed in the waiting area, after asking that Wesley Wyndam-Price see me. I nodded to him as I was escorted to Wes's office.

"Buffy, I have been trying to reach you all day." He offered me some coffee.

"No thank you." I declined the drink, too in shock to deal with anything but my shock. "Parker's out, why didn't you warn me before hand. You should have told me was getting released. He came up to me at the quad today. Looking like I was his toy. He . . . he, oh, god." I fought the tears once again.

"What did he do Buffy?" Wesley was British, he was like an uncle one would go to for favors. He seemed to be genuinely concerned. He also seemed patronizing, like he was talking to a child who didn't understand what was going on. The pity that shown through though, I hated it. I hated the pity they all put on their faces when looking and speaking to me. My mother even had that face when I had spoke to her.

"Please stop acting better than me. I hate the patronizing tone and I hate that you all pity me. It happened, I know that, I'm damaged goods now and I don't want really care about myself right now. Why is he out? Why is that bastard not in jail where he belongs? And most of all, why the hell was he allowed to come back to campus?"

"Slow down." He stated. "You'd have to speak to your lawyer about the details, I can't talk about it, some sort of agreement his father had worked out. The little shit has money, lots of it. Anya Jenkins right, she spoke with you about the trial, the having to testify?"

"Yes," I nodded. "Mostly the answers to your questions are that the boy's father is a rich son of a bitch, who will protect what's his. I'll call Anya, she can get here in a short while, but it may be better if you had someone to be here to support you." He explained.

"Would you just get her here? Please, I don't care about this, I want answers and if you can't tell me a damn thing, get someone here who can." I demanded. Wesley made a few phone calls as I sat on the couch of his office.

"She'll be here any moment. She was around the corner getting coffee, actually on her way over to your dorm to explain what had happened. I have someother business to take care of, if you want to call someone, feel free to use the phone."

I nodded and just sat there, not moving from my seat. I jerked around as the door opened and Anya entered the room in the flourish that was simply her. "Monkey's all of them."

Anya Jenkins, she was an assisstant prosecuter, in charge of the case against Parker. She was a total flake as a person, very blunt, abrupt, and to the point. It made her one of the best there was in her field.

"Oh, god Buffy, I'm so sorry I couldn't get to talk to you before he found you." She gave me a brief hug and sat down across from me, handing me a tea while drinking her espresso laced mocha.

"Why?" I was tired, I was sick of explaining the questions I asked and I didn't really feel the need to elaborate.

"One: his father has money and is a not so important as he is well known man." She began. "Second: He said he was forced to confess, the confession was coersed in a life or death situation. It seems your friend had threatened him. More so than what you told me he had."

"I didn't know." I simply stated.

"I never said you did." She smiled disarmingly. "Buffy, what have you done since? Have you even healed? Talked to anyone? Tried to take a self-defense course?"

"I've talked," I replied softly, "I've said what happened anyway."

"But you haven't actually faced the fact that you were attacked and violently raped repeatedly. You are coming with me tomorrow. I'm in a class of basic kickboxing stuff. Trust me, you'll love it, it's the best work out, makes your ass look great, and I can totally take on a guy. It'll help, make you feel better. I also want you to go and see my friend, her name is Fred Gunn. She is a psyciatrist, specializing in rape. I know you've been talking to Giles, and he's great. Fred, though, is a little more, which I really think you should do.

"I also want you to call your mom. This can't be easy alone. Let her mother you."

"She's home."

"Did you tell her?"

"Same as I told it to everyone else." I replied.

"After class tomorrow, I'm taking you to see Fred. I'll pick you up at your dorm at noon, we'll got kick some ass and grab lunch afterward, before you go see Fred."

"What are you going to do now? He came up to me in the quad."

"Really, what exactly did he say?"

"That he wasn't mad about the charges and asked if I wanted to hang out with him sometime. Anya, I want him locked up. I want him behind bars where he can never touch another woman for the rest of his life." I spit out venomously.

"I want that too sweetie. I'm working on it I can guarantee that." She sipped her drink, I still hadn't touched mine. "I'm trying to get that he gave you date-rape drugs on the table, then I can at least hold him for a while, and I'm hoping that the kidnapping charges will stick, but without the rape and the arguements his attorney has, it kinda falls on you, that you took the drugs voluntarily and that the whole week and some with him was your own choice.

"I can't use the rape, because that's what your friend beat out of him, that's what he threatened him with. That and where to find you, which makes the kidnapping hard to stick."

We continued to discuss what Anya was doing about the whole situation. I was feeling better after talking to her after the incident in the quad. We walked out of Wesley's office and I saw Will in the waiting area still. I smiled at Anya as she disappeared in the way she always did.

I walked up to Will, not saying a word and I slapped him. I left him standing there, clutching the second spot I had hit him in the same number of hours.

Chapter 12:

I headed up to the front porch of the house. I knocked and a very handsome black man answered the door. "Hello?"

"Um, I'm here to see Fred, Anya asked me to talk to her." I replied, slightly uncomfortable to be in a man's presence without knowing what to expect.

"Oh, you must be Buffy, Fred said you'd be coming by today. She's a little busy right now, but you can head over to her office if you'd like to see if she's done." He smiled, and extended his hand to shake mine. "I'm Charles Gunn by the way."

"Buffy, but you knew that already." I had a shy smile on my face.

"Gunn, would you move out of the doorway and allow the woman to enter the house?" An annoyed, though playful voice chastised the man in front of me. She pushed him out of the way and pulled me inside. "So, how was Hallie's class, Anya said she was taking you there first. I must say, nice choice, she's great, Hallie, I mean, An's an acquired taste. Anyway, shall we?" She motioned for me to follow her to what I assumed to be her office. I followed the petit woman through the house, it was gorgeous, the style totally reflected the two living within the house.

"Your house is amazing." I told her as we moved outside and across the yard to what looked like at one time was a garage. Fred had obviously changed it into an office.

"Oh, thanks, it's actually a big mess right now, but, thanks." Fred opened the door and allowed me to enter her office before her. You couldn't tell it had once been a garage. The walls were a light cream colour, the floor had a soft carpet in the same colour as the walls. There were a few windows, they added to the soft glow the room had. In one corner there was a desk, it was surrounded by bookshelves. Not far from the desk was a dark burgundy couch with a matching armchair. The coffee table was in it's natural wood colour, complimenting the colours of the design. In the other corner a punching bag was hanging from the ceiling, it caught my attention, it seemed out of place in a psychiatrist's office.

"That is there for a reason, which I will explain, just, give me a minute to freshen up." She grinned leaving the room through a door which I assumed led to a washroom. I moved around the room, exploring the office, it was beautiful, the small workout area didn't detract from that beauty in anyway, it actually added to the appeal of the room.

Fred returned a few moments later, and observed me moving around the room, seeing my interactions with just simple everyday objects. She moved to her desk, picking up a pad, paper, and a recorder, she moved toward the couch and took a seat, spreading out, putting her things on the coffee table. She was munching on some fruit as I turned my attention to her. "Oh, sorry, I didn't hear you come back." I smiled sheepishly.

"That's fine, I was just having a snack anyway. Did you want anything?"

"Oh, no, Anya and I stopped for lunch after the class."

"Okay, but did you want anything, chocolate milk, coffee, some fruit, I'm sure I have something." She smiled. "Do you have an appetite?"

"Not really." I replied, "definitely the best weight loss program." I joked, Fred nodded.

"Do you sleep much?"

"I haven't had a full night unless I take a sleeping pill." I seemed to be able to answer her questions easily. I took a seat across from her, sitting in the armchair. I just stared at her for a few moments. Fred stared right back. "What's up with the punching bag?" I asked.

"Healthy expressions of violence." She stated simply. "It's great, you get mad, in the mood to hit something, hell, you just get upset, I come out her and go a few rounds with the bag. It is one of the best therapies. Plus, it's a great workout." We sat in silence once again after she had explained it. Fred continued to eat her snack and watched me. I sat there as well, I didn't feel like breaking this first, I had told many people, I didn't feel like telling it again. I was tired of telling it. It didn't help, it just let them know that I was used, and victimized, it allowed them to pity me. I was tired of the pity, because behind the looks of pity, I could see that in truth, they thought it was my fault, that I had done something, that made him attack me.

I'm not sure how long we sat there in silence, but Fred's husband came in and announced dinner was ready. I called Tara and asked her to come get me. Before I left, Fred stopped me. "Buffy, um, are you busy Wednesday?"

"No," I shook my head.

"Good, when do you finish classes that day?"

"It's midterm break, so I don't have classes."

"Oh, great, meet me at the statue of the mascot on the quad around noon alright?"

"Sure," I nodded, totally and utterly confused about this, we hadn't talked at all about anything, and she wanted to see me outside of the office. I agreed to meet her and headed out front when I heard Tara honk.

"What's up?" she asked as I got into the car.

"Parker's out." I replied and looked out the window. I didn't meet her eyes, I couldn't. She was friends with Will too, she didn't need to hate him like I did.

"Will told me." She nodded. "Buffy, why were you at Fred's place?"

"You know her?"

"Just that she's a very well known psychiatrist, and that she specializes in violent rape. I thought you were getting better?"

"No." I shook my head, returning my attention to tha passing houses.

"Why are you totally mono-syllabic?" Tara stopped the car at a red light and pulled into a convenience store parking lot.

"I'm not better, I hit Will, he. . . it's his fault that Parker's out. If he hadn't threatened him, we'd all be better off."

"No, we wouldn't. Buffy, you don't get it do you. This isn't something that will ever go away, you just have to work through it. My father never got charged, he's walking around free right now too. It's taken a long time to even be able to work where I work, seeing the same thing happening to others and not being able to do much about it. Buffy, you're alive. You have friends, you have family, you have a chance to live, and find out whether this will end your life, or if this is just something that will eventually make you stronger. You'd probably be dead, if not worse if Will hadn't found you when he did. And if you say you'd rather be dead, I swear, I'll hit you. I met you and we became friends because of what happened. It was painful, it will always be painful, but Buffy, you are a strong person, you have so much power inside you that this will only make you stronger. Don't give up on life, don't let this beat you, and don't stop fighting to be who you are." She practially yelled. "He may be out, but we'll stop him, we'll make him pay for what happened. Like I said, my father is free, but he has nothing. Everyone knows he's abusive, they know that he's dangerous. I files a civil suit against him. It's an option, at least people will know his actions." She started driving once again. She headed to the dorm, I asked her to take me to my mom's place.

Tara stopped in front of Revello Drive and turned off the engine. "Just think about what I said. Let people help you. Talk to Fred, I'm sure she'll be able to help. Talk to Will too, kay? He's sorry."

"He's not sorry Tara, not for what he did anyway."

"He has no reason to be. I wouldn't be, not if it saved your life." She smiled. I got out of the car and walked up the front path. I opened the door and mom was sitting in the living room.

"Hello Buffy, what are you doing here?"

"Mommy, can I come home?" I asked, tears falling from my eyes.

Joyce said nothing, enveloping her eldest daughter in a hug. "Buffy, you can always come home."