Babies are a Good Thing

Prologue - The Missing Pieces

December 26, 2006 - 2:00 am

I sit on the bathroom floor with my face buried in a towel. It is to muffle the sounds of my sobs so that Spike won’t hear me. I couldn’t explain to him why I am crying. He would just look at me wondering why it would hurt. It was the unspoken agreement between us when I came back. No children. No marriage. Just us being together. He’s a vampire and I am a Slayer. It is not in our destinies to be normal. My head understands this. My heart and my body don’t realize that I am not supposed to want this. And I ache.

If fate intervened to give us a child, I know that Spike would love that child more than anything. When it comes to the children in the family he is gentle and giving. Letting them sit on his lap. Playing games with them. He hugs them when they are hurt. Or just rocks them when they need it. My heart wants to shatter every time I see this. And it makes me want a child of our own even more. But he doesn’t. The comments are always there. The little ones about not having to deal with the responsibilities of day to day care and the ones about being able to send them home at the end of the day. And I just laugh it off while I am being ripped in two.

This month I was a little over a week a late. The pregnancy test is hidden in our room. I was going to use it in the morning. Hoping that I would be able to give him another Christmas present but I woke just a short while ago with cramps. The blood reminding me that I am just not meant to be a mother. That somehow I am not worthy enough of bringing a new life into the world.

The tears are subsiding as I stand up. As I look into the mirror at my face I see the lines that are there already. They are hardly distinguishable but still visible at the corners of my eyes. Reminding me that I am getting older and that time is slowly slipping away. After I rinse my face in cool water I make my way downstairs.

There is comfort in walking through our home that in a way has become our baby. We spent almost three years putting her back together. Room by room we worked together. In the end it is a crazy mixture of modern and Victorian elegance. But it works for us. I make myself a cup of hot cinnamon tea as I sit at the kitchen table. Piled on the other end are some of the presents we brought home tonight. We celebrated Christmas at Giles’s house this year. Everybody was there making it a noisy mixture of fun and chaos.

I reach for our present from Dawn. It was a scrapbook that she had made of our lives. She made one for each of us so that we would all remember what is important. The cover is of soft brown leather with gold etching saying ‘The Scoobie Families”. I run my hand over the front tracing the markings with my fingers. We have all changed so much in the last four years that it is hard to believe that we are the same people that we started out to be.

At the front of the book is a picture of Giles and his wife, Kate, on their wedding day. Dr. Kate McGowan had been the ER doctor to patch Xander up when he was shot. It had taken only one look at Giles for her to fall in love. He took his time returning the feelings afraid of the past repeating itself. That she wouldn’t be able to handle the reality of his life. Or that she would become a casualty of it. But Kate was the one to break down his barriers first then relieved him of his worries by announcing that she had a side line practice. A practice that catered to demons that fought on the side of good.

They married only a few weeks after they had both came clean on their hidden lives. Time was too precious to waste was their motto as the wedding was put together. The only real challenge they faced was that Kate’s son, Josh, was the boy that Dawn had fallen for. The marriage threw two hormonal infatuated teenagers into the same house. Spike and Xander had a long talk with Josh threatening him with bodily harm if anything happened with Dawn. He promised and as far as we know he kept his promise. It was Thanksgiving when Giles announced that Kate was pregnant. An accidental mix up of her menopausal body but once discovered a joyous welcome to their family. Dawn is so excited about being able to be the big sister for a change.

I move on to the page for Xander and Anya. There is no official wedding photo just a snapshot from a disposable camera. They were married in the hospital while Xander recuperated. It had been a time of realizations as they had almost lost everything. Even though they still had a lot to work on they wanted to do it together instead of apart. After counseling and compromises their marriage today is strong and always their first priority even more so than their two children. Aidan William was born exactly nine months after his parent’s wedding. Their daughter, Jessica Anne, came along a little over a year ago. Beneath the photo of the couple is a family portrait. They make a beautiful perfect family. The American Dream with the house and the minivan.

Willow and Tara with a photo of their son, Jacob Alexander, is on the next page. They bought a house together when Willow had graduated from college two years ago. It was an announcement that they were now adults and moving forward in their lives as a committed couple. Willow accepted a teaching position at the high school while continuing her education at night. Tara opened a ‘school’ adjacent to the Magic Box. The Magic Light has classes in magic practices, yoga and I teach self defense there a few times a week. The two businesses refer customers to the other creating plenty of profits for Tara and Anya. Shortly after their careers were established Willow and Tara announced that Tara was going to have a child conceived through a carefully selected sperm donor. I try very hard not to be bitter as I look at another perfect family in the making.

Even Dawn is married now. I laugh as I stare at her wedding picture. Josh and her standing with an Elvis impersonator that was present when they eloped in Las Vegas. Josh had kept his word until her eighteenth birthday when he took her away to be married. By the time we had all woken up that morning the deed was already done. They are blissfully happy together living in married housing on campus.

I flip the book back to the beginning to the page after Giles and Kate. To the page designated for Spike and I. There is only one photo there. An 8x10 portrait of us that Dawn insisted we have done. There is no room on our page for children’s pictures or a wedding photo. Even they know that we are just ‘together’. The price to be paid for a relationship that cannot be open to people outside of our circle and is still sometimes not fully accepted by those within. It is the price that is to be paid for loving a demon that has committed a multitude of sins against humanity. No matter what he does to redeem himself it will always be hidden just below the surface of his self. And it will always exact its price of shame against our love.

Slamming the book shut before I begin to cry again I stand to walk away. My tea in hand I begin to wander through our house. But I know where I am headed. His sanctuary is the place that is solely his in this world of ours. I rarely enter into his study knowing that this place is intensely private for him. He would never deny me access. As he has never denied me access to any part of his life, heart and soul. It is mine for the taking but I don’t because his love for me has always been stronger than my love for him. We both know it though we have never talked about it. His essence is stronger than mine. His intensity and passion for life more for being dead than mine could ever be. I have been to the other side and know that it is better than here. It is only through him that I found my center and a desire to live in this world again.

I run my hand over the chair that he sits in to read than I move to curl up into it. The afghan is pulled over me so that I can smell him on the yarn. After sipping at my now cold tea I look toward the organized mess of his desk. His first book ‘The Madness Of A Vampire’ went to the top of the best seller list and stayed there for months. It was made more popular by his mysterious public persona. We have shared many laughs over the rumors of him being an actual vampire. What would his public do if they knew the truth? That the life detailed is actual fact and not the runaway imagination of an ordinary man.

He is now in the middle of writing his second book. ‘The Pleasure of the Bite’ is a love story of his vampire for an ordinary girl. I have yet to read it because I am afraid of the truth of his feelings and emotions for life and us. He still scares me when he comes to look for me sometimes just needing to know that I have not left him. All that love for me and I wonder what I did to deserve such devotion from a creature as extraordinary as him.

It is almost dawn before I stir from this place that brings me peace. In our bedroom he is still sleeping with his hand on my side of the bed. I hesitate in the door to watch him sleep for a moment. His face is ethereal in the near darkness reminding me of his immortality. As my body ages his will still be the same. I know that his heart is mine no matter what the changes but I fear that part of our future. He will be wasted taking care of an old woman as she becomes incapacitated with time. The beauty and agility of youth will always be his and he deserves the same in return.

The bed sinks a little as I crawl in beside him. My fingertips trace the plains of his sculptured face stirring him from his sleep.

“Can’t sleep, love?” His voice heavy with sleep growls in my ear. I look into the clarity of his eyes and shake my head. To speak now would only bring the tears that have been hovering all night just below the surface. His hand reaches out to pull me close as I willingly move into the protection of his body.

He holds me to him as running cool hands over me as he whispers to me of his love. I roll onto my back pulling him on top of me. I whisper to him just to hold me. To keep me safe while I fall asleep. I can feel his confusion at my words but he does as I ask. Lying here beneath his body I know that I am loved and safe. Sleep tickles at my tired body and before I succumb I tell him that I love him.

Chapter 1 - The Beginning of Change

January 2, 2007

The teakettle announced its readiness by giving a sharp whistle. Giles moved to take it off the burner so that he could pour the boiling water into the teapot. Tara sat at the kitchen table holding Jacob in her arms. Willow and Kate were putting cookies onto a plate. And Buffy leaned against the sink staring into the night through the window. Her hands wrung a kitchen towel in a frantic pace hoping that it would absorb the nerves that were wracking her body. Her family was here at her invitation but the reality of what she was about to do hadn’t sunk in yet. There was no doubt in her mind that this was what she wanted. The unease came because she hadn’t discussed this with Spike before calling this meeting.

When the tea and cookies were ready they all sat around the table placing the refreshments in the middle. Buffy waited until everyone was settled before she turned to sit with them. They sat in patience until she was ready to speak. Tea cups rattled in the silence. Jacob started to speak his baby talk to start the conversation. Just six months old he sat in his mother’s lap holding onto a rattle that was being slowly gummed by him. Finally Buffy raised her head and one by one she looked at the people that surrounded her.

“I want a baby. I want Spike’s baby.” She laid it out before them before she could change her mind. At first there was no response as they all stared wide eyed at her. Giles was the first to break the silence.

“Buffy, it is rare that a vampire can sire a child with a human. You know this.” He explained calmly to the woman looking at him with so much hope in her eyes. It broke his heart to have to do this to her. To try and make her face reality when she apparently wanted this so much.

“But it is possible. Right? It has happened hasn’t it?” Buffy turned pleading eyes to Giles. Her hands reached out to grasp his.

“Yes, it has happened but like I said it is very rare. You have to face the fact that it may never happen.”

When Buffy pulled her hands free from his, Giles immediately pulled his glasses off to wipe them clean. The others were still silent as they felt that this was something that should be settled between the two. The tension was thick in the air as the two stared at each other over the table.

“I have faced it. Every month for four and a half years I have faced it. Every time I hold one of the children or look at your wife I face it. And every time I am with him I hope that this will be the time but it never is. It never is.” The tears began to streak her face as she looked with desperation on the man she considered her father.

“Maybe you’re trying too hard. You two do it like bunnies and that can be bad.” Everyone at the table turned toward Dawn’s voice. She stood in the hallway between the kitchen and Spike’s study.

“When did you get here?” Buffy began to hurriedly wipe the tears from her face. “Where are the guys?”

”They went down to Willie’s to watch the game. Why wasn’t I invited to this?”

Dawn moved into the room taking the last vacant seat at the table. Buffy sighed as she realized that her sister knew her secret and wasn’t about to leave the table for anything.

“Because I didn’t want you to know anything about this.” She explained to Dawn as she insinuated herself further into the situation by taking Jacob from his mother and settling him on her lap.

“Buffy, what are you hoping to accomplish by bringing us here. The four of us.” Giles asked her with a quick look of irritation toward Dawn.

“Because I don’t know of anyone else that can help me. Kate has the medical knowledge. You can research the times it has happened and tell us of anything that might help. And Willow and Tara can help with researching fertility rituals or spells or something.”

Buffy looked around the table as she spoke trying to let them know how much this meant to her with a look. But it was already there. The understanding. And the pity. She could see it in their eyes as they looked at her. Poor Buffy in love with the vampire. She gave up everything to be with him even though they were the very ones who encouraged her to come back to him. It was too much for her as she covered her face with her hands.

A hand came to rest on her arms while the thumb softly caressed her skin.

“Buffy, I’ll help all I can. I have a friend who is discreet that can run whatever tests we need to do.” Kate offered her help with this. She hated to see the girl hurt like this. Her hand came to rest on the first swelling of her belly. This unplanned pregnancy had to eat away at Buffy who had wanted one for so long.

Buffy raised her head to stare at her new friend in appreciation. It was nice to have someone offer to help that was still new to the family. She turned her head to look at Tara and Willow to gauge their reaction.

“Whatever we can do, Buffy, we will.” Willow reassured her friend hoping in her heart that a way could be found. Without realizing what she was doing she raised a hand to touch her son. No matter the biological beginning for Jacob he belonged to her and Tara just as if he had been conceived by love from their bodies. A smile born of parental pride hovered on her face.

Giles observed the look on Buffy’s face as she watched Willow with Jacob. It wasn’t fair that with all that Spike and she had been through that they would be denied a chance for their love to continue on beyond them. In his heart he honestly didn’t feel that anything would come of this but he couldn’t do this to her. He couldn’t be the one who tore her dreams away from her. Plus he knew from all these years on the Hellmouth that anything was possible. Maybe if she wanted it badly enough something or someone would bless them.

"All right, Buffy." Giles told Buffy watching her face light up from his agreement to her request. He smiled back at her as the general feeling of relief went around the room. The discussion then went into making a plan. Willow and Tara would begin to study fertility spells while Giles would look into previous situations including Angel’s startling fatherhood.

"Buffy, when can you and Spike come in for tests?" Kate waited for Buffy to give her a date so she could contact her colleague. Then she watched as Buffy's face drain of all color while she looked over Kate's shoulder. Automatically tensing Kate turned to look behind her while everyone else at the table also turned toward the kitchen door.

"Tests for what?' Spike asked in amusement. He figured it was for something routine like Buffy's annual exam or something. Josh and Xander were walking in behind him laughing at some joke between them.
"For the fertility tests. So, you all can have babies." Dawn threw out as she rose to greet her husband. At first there wasn’t any backlash to her calmly stated words. Then Buffy stood to face the consequences of her actions while Spike froze where he stood. His eyes stared at Buffy's face. Slowly it filtered to everyone in the room that something was seriously wrong as the two lovers faced each other.

The words had pierced Spike like a knife damaging his trust and security in his relationship with Buffy. It was inconceivable to him that after all this time that she would do this to him. A quick glance at the others in the room gave him the confirmation that he needed to know that his inadequacies had been discussed among them. That he wasn't able to be the man that Buffy needed.

"Who is having babies?" Xander asked as silence fell over the room.

Humiliation warred with Spike's insecurities making him unable to deal with the situation. The only thing he could do was leave. The back door slammed shut behind him as he left the others behind. His body shook from the overwhelming emotions taking him over as he headed out into the night.

"You did discuss this with Spike?" Giles asked as he stood to get Buffy's attention. As she turned toward him with eyes filled with agony he had his answer. "Buffy, you know how Spike is. How could you not talk to him first?"

"Would somebody, please, explain what is going on?" Xander threw his hands up into the air as he looked around at everybody.

"Buffy called a meeting to try to figure out how to get pregnant. But apparently she forgot to inform Spike of her decision." Dawn gave Xander the answer he was looking for. Then she turned to Buffy. "I'm sorry that I let the cat out of the bag. I didn’t know that Spike didn’t know.”

“Dawn, it wasn’t exactly your business to answer his question to me.” Buffy was angry and looking for someone to blame it on besides herself. Her hands went to her hips as she faced her sister just hoping that Dawn would give her the open that she needed to start a fight.

“Yeah, but Buffy, it was something that you needed to talk to him about. Before you talked to us.” Willow interrupted the argument that was about to happen between Dawn and Buffy.

“You had to have known how he would react.” Xander chimed in his opinion not realizing that Buffy was feeling ganged up on as they all told her how wrong she was.

“I do know how he is. And I have discussed it with him. Several times but every I bring it up he closes up and looks at me like he’s wondering why he isn’t enough for me. Then I feel guilty for even thinking about it.” She shrugged her shoulders as she faced everyone. “I thought that if I had some possibilities to work with that he might agree to try. I didn’t plan on a damn family meeting about it.”

Then without another word she turned to follow Spike letting the door slam behind her.

“Of course, it turned out this way. You can’t fart in this family without everyone knowing it.” Buffy ranted to herself as she followed the path that he took. She already knew where he was headed. It was to their bench. Well, it actually belonged to Mrs. Hannah Stone. The bench was at the end of her grave for her family to mourn her. But it had become their bench when Spike had found out about a fantasy she’d had of the two of them making love on it. It had since been used quite a few times since then by them. Both for sex and talking.

Buffy was right about where he was as she spotted Spike sitting with his face buried in his hands. She sighed as she saw his body trembling. It had never been her intention to hurt him but she had. With careful footsteps she moved toward him while he watched her through his fingers. He didn’t move though as she took a seat behind him.

Over the years they had both tried to learn how to deal with their emotions. Buffy had to learn how not to run away when she was overwhelmed. And Spike had to learn not to react with anger when he became insecure. All she had to do was wait until Spike was ready to talk to her. The more hurt he was the longer it took. Sometimes all he could manage was a monosyllabic code that only she could understand. But it gave them a chance to reconnect until they were able to actually talk to each other.

Spike dropped his hands so they dangled between his knees. He had known for awhile that she wanted children but he hadn’t allowed himself to even dwell on the possibility. The thought of having to share her with someone else tore at him. A child would become more important than he was to her. He felt as a vampire he couldn’t be a proper father which would only create distance between him and the two of them. He would be the outsider again. And eventually she would be completely gone taking the child with her. If he told her of his fears she would only dismiss them without taking them seriously.

But he had to know exactly what she meant. What she wanted. He could feel her sitting behind him. He looked around the cemetery that he had already seen thousands of times. Nothing had changed as he tried to figure out what to say to her. Finally he resorted to his codes.

“Over?” It came out almost as a squeak as he forced the word out over the lump in his throat. Her hand came to rest on his back to let him know that she understood. That she understood that he was worried that she wanted a ‘normal’ relationship again.

“It is over.” She answered him softly. “There is no one or anything out there that I want more than you. I don’t regret my decision to be with you.”

“Why?”

“I want more than what we have right now. I know you don’t understand but it’s something inside of me. I want to have a baby.”

“Leave?” This question tore at her heart as she realized how insecure she had made him feel. Quickly she stood to make her way to kneel before him. His hands were enveloped in hers as she kissed him tenderly.

“No. I will never leave. I want our baby. I want to carry your child, Spike. Not anyone else’s.”

His eyes came to search hers for the truth. As he saw the love there he began to relax some.
When she saw him softening she smiled at him. It was a smile to let him see how sorry she was that she had hurt him. His hands came out to her waist to pull her closer to him. As long as she wasn’t leaving he would find a way to deal.

“I’m sorry, baby, about what happened. The guys didn’t know what was going on. I thought you all would be watching the game for most of the night. And Dawn was supposed to be with Anya. The others were supposed to help me figure out how to do this.”

While she spoke he continued to gaze into her eyes watching for a moment of deceit. But it never came. He gently tugged her forward to hold her against him. When they were body to body he felt no fear of being alone. It was when she was away from him that he could feel the wall between them. However small it might be. And because it was there without explanation he could never let himself fully trust that she would always be there.

“Spike, please? Can we try?” Her words were muffled into his shoulder as she begged him for the chance. If he refused to try then she would have to learn to live without ever bearing a child. There was no way that she would leave him like before or allow herself to become pregnant by another man’s seed. And she knew that he would never allow that either.

“All right, Love.” Spike gave in because he never could deny her what she wanted. But he knew in his heart that it would never happen. That they would never conceive a child together but he couldn’t break her heart by telling her no. And maybe if they at least tried for awhile she could learn to let go of this. “Six months, okay? That’s it.” And he sealed the deal by giving them a time limit. Spike had no clue what would go into their ‘trying’ except having sex. Which they were already doing on a regular basis so it didn’t seem like it would be that big of a deal.

Buffy squeezed him around the neck as he agreed to try. If he was willing to try then maybe something would happen and she would become the mother that she wanted to be.

Spike held her tightly to him as she rejoiced in the news. He could only hope that he hadn’t made a mistake in agreeing to this.

Calmness enveloped the couple as they held each other. A new path in their lives had been set in stone that night. A path that neither of them thought they would ever travel.

Chapter 2 - Montage of Tests

January 6, 2007 - 11:30 PM

Buffy had waited all night for him to come out of his study. The entire house had been paced by her footsteps as the nerves in her stomach made her unable to sit still. Tomorrow was the day that they were to begin their tests. But in order for one of her tests to be done they had to have sex tonight. And Spike was holed up working on his book. She hadn’t told him about this particular test. Actually, she hadn’t told him about any of the tests because she was afraid if he knew then he would stop cooperating. Finally, she stood in front of the door to his study with her ear to the door. The sound of rapid typing was the only thing that she heard.

“Just knock on the door. It’s Spike. The man…the vampire that you have pretty much done everything with that involves sex. Why are you so scared? Knock on the door.” Buffy told herself as her legs moved in a nervous dance. As she finally raised her hand to tap on the door it was suddenly swung open.

“What’s going on? I can hear you and smell the fear.” He cocked his head at her wondering why she would be afraid. Then he remembered what tomorrow was. The day for those tests of which no one had bothered to tell him what they detailed. The research he had done on the Internet had given him some clues. Clues to things he wasn’t looking forward to.

Buffy looked up at him trying to figure out how to seduce him. Not that she had ever had to seduce him. Most of the time it only took a look to start the passion between them. But this wasn’t exactly about love. It was a test to be gone through.

“Spike, we need to have sex. There’s this test that they have to do. But it has to be done after sex.”

She stared at the floor as the words nervously tumbled from her. When her words were met with silence she finally ventured a look up. He was smiling at her. Actually it could be called grinning.

“What are you grinning about? It’s not funny.” Buffy crossed her arms as she pulled herself up to her full height. Then he laughed as the fire flashed in her eyes.

“Buffy, how many days have we gone without sex since we got together? For you to be nervous about it is a bit amusing.” A blush burned across her face as he laughed at her again. Spike wasn’t ready to give her a way out of this yet. “I know it’s because of the test. Take your clothes off and lie on the couch. And we’ll get the job done.”

Spike stepped back to give her room to get past him. His arm gestured the way for her. The words he had spoken were done in sarcasm but Buffy hesitated only for a moment before crossing into the room. Carefully she made her way to the couch on the far side of the room. It was a massive piece of furniture that a person could get lost in with lots of pillows. It stood where his mattress had once been. The mattress they had made love on when she had returned from Dallas. That had been a beginning for them. This time would be a beginning too. This was one room they hadn’t made love in since it had become his study.

As Buffy sat gingerly on the edge of the couch she avoided looking at Spike. A laugh sounded again making her wince. Then he was there in front of her kneeling on the floor between her knees. His eyes searched her face then he sighed as he realized that she was half out of her mind with tension.

“Buffy, relax.” He whispered to her softly while his hands caressed her from knee to bottom in long soothing strokes. Spike treated her with such tenderness it made her want to cry. Then his lips were there moving over hers. His tongue requested entrance to her mouth which she willingly gave. As his familiar touch took over Buffy lost her anxiety about this and became lost in the love he was giving her.

~~~~~~~~~~

January 7, 2007 6:00 AM

Buffy sat on the edge of the exam table covered only in a hospital issued gown. They had been snuck in by Kate and her friend, Meg, who was a resident OB/GYN at Sunnydale Hospital. The room they were in was at the end of a long hallway of doctor offices. And since it was only six in the morning the place was pretty much deserted.

Spike nervously wandered around the room picking things up to play with. Anything to avoid the reason they were there. As he played with some scalpels he had found in a drawer he watched from the corner of his eye as Meg returned pushing a cart with some machine on it. Buffy turned to look at him as things began to progress to the actual doing of things. After putting some scalpels in his pocket for future use he turned to be beside Buffy.

“Okay, Buffy, the first thing we are going to do is a PCT. Postcoital Test. It’s to see if any sperm are alive and present in your vaginal mucus. I need you to lie back just like you do for your Pap Smears.”

Spike’s eyes widened as he watched her lie back, scoot down to the end of the table and put her feet up in stirrups. From watching television and movies he knew that women had exams like these but it was something different to watch one. Buffy’s hand came out to grasp his as Kate proceeded to collect the sample she needed for the test. Watching what he considered as his property be examined like that was making his stomach churn.

Kate laughed softly when she saw his reaction to what was going on.

“You okay, Spike?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.”

When Buffy looked up to check on him she couldn’t help but laugh too. If a vampire could be green around the gills he was definitely trying for it. A look of relief crossed his face when Kate told Buffy that she could sit up.

“Okay, Buffy, the next thing to do is an ultrasound exam. This will give us an idea of the condition of your uterus and ovaries.”

Meg had Buffy lie back on the table then covered her lower half with a sheet as the gown was pulled up to expose her abdomen. Spike watched in fascination as they proceeded to smear gel on her then ran this device over her which showed the results on a screen.

“If she was pregnant then you would be able to see the baby on the screen.” Kate told Spike hoping that it would help him come to terms with everything. Maybe give him something to look forward to. He looked down at Buffy lying on the table. She looked vulnerable as they did their procedures on her. He squeezed her hand that was still clutched in his to let her know that he was there for her. His reward was a grateful smile from her.

~~~~~~~~~~

January 7, 2007 7:30 AM

Buffy had gone into the bathroom attached to the room to get dressed again. Meg had already left with the samples and the film from the ultrasound to have them tested. Kate reached into a cabinet to grab a small cup from the shelf.

“Okay, it’s your turn.” She handed the cup to Spike while she tried very hard not to smile.

“And what am I supposed to do with this?” He refused to take the cup from her because he already knew what was expected of him. Maybe if he gave her a hard time she would forget this. So, when he asked he used his most evil voice.

“We need to check sperm quality and quantity. In order to do this we need a sample.” Kate wasn’t about to be intimidated by this vampire. She reached for his hand placing the cup in it.

“The Big Bad does not wank off into a cup.” He let the cup fall on the floor as he continued his refusal of the test.

Kate knelt down to pick it up proceeding to throw it away. After giving Spike a disgusted look she reached for another one that was once again held out to him.

“Look this is necessary part of the process. We need to know if anything is….alive.” Kate tried to persuade him to do his part.

Spike was about ready to make another rude comment when he saw Buffy standing just inside of the room. The lost look on her face made him forget his embarrassment at doing this.

“Oh, bloody hell. Fine.” He snatched the cup away from Kate and headed toward the bathroom. Buffy moved out of his way as he slammed his way into the bathroom. The two women exchanged quick smiles at Spike’s behavior.

“Come on, Buffy. Let’s head down to the waiting room and give him some privacy.”

Buffy nodded as she followed Kate from the room. They headed in silence down the hallway. It was becoming a little overwhelming as they actually started to work on this. Buffy just hoped that she wouldn’t be pushing Spike too far with this. It was backing him into a corner and that scared her. The demon was still there in him even though it rarely made an appearance now. Spike had matured in a lot of ways over the years but there were still parts of him that were…not evil…but not quite human.

One day there would be a trigger that would release that side of him. She could only hope that it wouldn’t be for a very long time. And that he would be able to keep himself from doing any damage.

Buffy sat across from Kate in the small waiting room. She only half listened as Kate gave her further instructions for them to follow. Suddenly Spike appeared in the door refusing to look up from the floor. He told Kate that ‘it’ was done then he turned and walked away. Buffy sighed as she stood up to follow him.

~~~~~~~~~~

January 31, 2007 9:30 PM

Willow handed Spike a cup of tea. But it wasn’t any ordinary tea. It was a carefully concocted brew of herbs that were supposed to increase a man’s sperm count. Surprisingly the tests that Kate had done had come out showing that he did have active sperm but the count was so low that it was almost nonexistent. And Buffy’s tests had come out completely normal showing that there was no reason that she couldn’t conceive. The focus had then turned to Spike being able to produce more sperm.

“Drink this cup now. Then drink another cup every night before bed. Kate said that she would do another test in another week to see if it has made any difference.”

Spike looked from Willow to Buffy feeling like a lab rat as he took the cup from Willow. The whole thing had passed humiliating for him about a week ago. The urge to run was getting stronger every day as was the berating the demon was giving him. William wasn’t faring too well at this point either. Logic told him that as a vampire he wasn’t supposed to create innocent life but as Buffy’s partner he felt like he should be able too. The insecurities that he had almost banished were coming back with a vengeance.

With one long drink he drained the cup then turned to head away from them. The only solace he seemed to have these days was in the lonely comfort of his study working on his book. Buffy and he were rarely talking about anything but the attempt to have a baby. They didn’t even have making love anymore as that was reserved for special days of the month now. He regretted telling her that they would try. And on top of that he had given her six months for this. He groaned as he realized that they still had almost five months to go.

TBC

Chapter 3 – Moments in Time

February 13, 2007 11:30 PM

From the kitchen came the sounds of dishes clattering, pans rattling and muffled voices with laughter. They kept filtering their way into Spike’s fugue state as he was worked on the latest chapter. A quick glance at the clock made him wonder who was here and what the hell they were doing at this time of night. The action in his head made him try to dismiss what was going on so that he wouldn’t lose the mood of what he was working on. A few moments later the door was softly opened but he knew that if it was Buffy she would wait until he responded. So he didn’t bother to turn around right away. But before he did the door shut again.

The voices faded away but were replaced by the scent of cooking onions and green peppers. It tickled his nose making his curiosity grow as to what Buffy was up to. Finally abandoning any attempt of further writing he turned toward the door. A note had been taped to it telling him to stay there until Buffy came to get him. A smile flashed across his face as he imagined what she was doing. Tomorrow was Valentine’s Day. Well, actually it was going to be in about fifteen more minutes. Then the smile became a grin as he realized that she was due in a few days so there was a possibility of romance.

Spike turned to straightening up his desk to keep himself busy until she came to the door. At midnight exactly there was a light tapping on the door. He was there before she was done announcing her arrival. The grin was wiped off his face when he saw her standing there. Buffy was clad in a floor length red velvet dress. The material clung to her like a second skin with the bodice dipping low to show generous amounts of her breasts. His eyes slowly moved over her from her bare toes to her hair that was swept up in a loose knot with tendrils curling around her face. She smelled like heaven too as she slipped into his arms.

“Happy Valentine’s Day, baby.” She whispered to him right before she nibbled on his ear. Then before he could respond she moved back. Taking his hand she led him to the dining room. She stopped in the doorway giving him the chance to see what she had done. The table was covered in white lace with rose petals scattered across the surface. Placed around the room were white candles scenting the air with their fragrance.

Spike walked slowly over to the table admiring the china and crystal champagne flutes that made up the place settings. Between their settings was a silver tray with a dome cover. Finally next to his seat was a wine bucket with a bottle of champagne chilling.

“You did this for me?” His words were soft as he looked at her in amazement. The past month and a half had been so tense for them and this was totally a surprise. It was him that usually planned their celebration of this day. Suddenly she was behind him wrapping her arms around him.

“I love you, Spike. I know I haven’t said it enough lately but I do.” Buffy squeezed him gently then pulled back to guide him into his seat. The dome cover was removed to reveal two perfect omelets, hash browns and bacon. She giggled at the look on his face at what she had made.

“I’ve been going over to everybody’s houses practicing. They are all sick of breakfast foods.”

His arm moved to rest across her back as she served them. Then when she went to take her seat he pulled her down into his lap. He reached across and pulled her chair and plate next to his. This was too much to let her get away from him. She shifted so that her bottom was on her seat but that her legs were draped across his. Together they popped the cork on the champagne.
Spike wouldn’t let her move from where she was against him. He took turns feeding them, sipping champagne and kissing between bites. The slit in her dress had opened to reveal the length of her legs giving him access to touching as they ate the meal. If it wouldn’t have hurt her feelings he would have skipped the food and gone straight upstairs.

He was totally stunned at what she had done for him. It made him feel like he did when she had first come back. They had rarely made it out of bed for the first couple of weeks. Leaving only to eat and visit their family. It had been a time of laugher and making love and bonding. It was something that had been slowly slipping away as they had become comfortable with each other and their routines.

He stood with Buffy still in his arms after he felt they had consumed enough of the food to keep her from being upset.

“Grab the champagne.” He told her as he swung her around so she could reach it. After it was in her hands they headed for the door. Tonight was going to be about them. And only them. The walk to their room was hampered by the stops they made to kiss and to take drinks from the champagne bottle.

Once they reached their room he had Buffy put the bottle on the nightstand before he dumped her in the middle of the bed. She laughed up at him when she landed making him smile in anticipation. Spike walked around the room lighting candles and peeling his clothes off. When he was finished he walked back to the bed watching her. Buffy was lying back on the pillows in the middle of the bed. Her eyes were already heavy with desire from watching him.

The bed gave slightly as he came to lie beside her. His hand moved to the buttons that were down the front of her dress. They were slowly undone as his fingers feathered lightly across her flesh making her stomach quiver with the tickling sensation. Once he had reached the last button the material was moved away from her. Underneath the dress Buffy’s breasts were bound by a red lace bra. She had worn it for him knowing it was his preferred color on her. The air around them became filled with need as he watched the rise and fall of her breasts as she breathed.

Buffy watched him as he slowly undressed her. The past month had been hard on both of them. She needed his touch as much as he needed hers. When his eyes flickered up to catch hers she reached for his hand still resting on her stomach. Slowly she brought it across her flesh until it covered the softness of her breast. She arched up into the palm of his hand letting him know what she needed.

“Whatever you want, baby.” She whispered to him as he began to caress her of his own will. He froze only for a second when she told him. It was a sign of trust and love that she was giving him. That she would be his in whatever way he wanted her. He had never taken her where she was uncomfortable before. But she also knew that there were things that he wanted between them that had never been brought up. Acts that he was afraid would make her stop loving him. Tonight she wanted to give him whatever he needed. For all the things that he had done for her not only in the last month but for all the years he had loved her.

His eyes searched hers for a moment. The gift she was offering was appreciated for the gesture that it was. But what he needed more at the moment was to reestablish their bonding. He needed to feel the love that was between them.

“Just you. All I want is you.” He whispered to her as his mouth covered hers. Buffy was surprised at the gentleness that he was showing. Then her hands moved to pull him closer to her until his chest was heavy on hers. The lace scratched at his skin adding more sensation to their already overburdened nerve endings. Their mouths moved together while their tongues played together. In a game of catch that would never be won. But he wanted more as his hand moved down her body to slowly pull her dress up until it was bunched around her waist. He gave a grunt of satisfaction as he was finally able to reach what he wanted. Buffy opened her legs to his touch as he slowly caressed her through her panties making her wet for his touch.

Time slowed down as they explored flesh that was already known to them. There was no hurry only an aching need to be together. Her hair was undone from its clasp so that it tumbled around her in a golden cloud that invited him in. When he left trails of kisses down her body the dress was leisurely leading the way until it pooled on the foot of the bed. Eventually it was kicked off when they rolled each over and over in their feverish need to reconnect.

Spike shifted her onto her back again as he came to kneel above her. His fingers began to pull her panties off of her, down her legs, finally over her feet. After they joined her dress on the floor his eyes moved over her. Nude except for the bra she was waiting for him. The whiteness of her skin flushed with need. Her breathing and heartbeat erratic with want. And it was only for him as he moved to lie above her. Buffy brought her legs up to wrap around his waist as he began to enter her.

“Keep your eyes open.” He demanded as he leaned on his elbows above her. The descent into her warmth was as slow as the play that had come first. She did as he requested maintaining eye contact as he filled her. As the sensations he was causing began to build her hands moved along his waist to his chest then finally to rest on his arms. At first he only grinded into her rotating his hips as he stayed buried in her. Then with small motions back and forth he began to take them where they wanted to go. Her hips moved involuntarily to meet his thrusts as she began to lose control.

Spike watched her as she started to come undone changing his movements to stay with her. Eventually moving harder and faster to her demands he watched her crest. Her face showed every nuance of her pleasure as she cried his name out. But he wasn’t done with her as he continued to take her bringing her over again before allowing himself his release.

Buffy pulled him down on top of her as he came within her. Slowly she caressed his back as he shuddered from the force of his orgasm.

“I love you and I always will.” She whispered into his neck as she rained kisses there and across his shoulders.

“I know you do.” He told her honestly because it was the only thing that he was holding onto at the moment.

~~~~~~~~~~

March 6, 2007 1:45 PM

Buffy waited until the stick confirmed her suspicions. She was ovulating and now was the best time for them to have sex. Spike was napping in their bed at the moment because they had been out late last night on patrol. Some vampires had desired to make trouble leading them through cemetery after cemetery before they had been able to take out the last one. And sunrise was only moments away as they had hurried through their door.

The calendar had already told her that today was most likely the day. But she couldn’t relax until she had known for sure so she had forced herself from his side to check. The tea they Spike had been drinking had raised his level some but Kate said it could also be because they were pretty much limiting their time having sex. The last time they had been together was on Valentine’s Day. And Spike had been getting grouchier by the day.

When she returned to the bedroom he was lying on his back on top of the covers clad only in a pair of faded jeans. One arm rested on the pillow behind him. Buffy climbed into the bed next to him then moved so that she was straddling him. After settling against his still sleeping form she pulled her t-shirt from her body letting it fall where it may. Then she leaned forward over him letting their skin come into contact. Kisses were slowly placed against his chest as she moved over him.

“Hey, what’s up?” He whispered to her as she moved upwards to his neck. His hand tangling in her hair that brushed against him. Then as he remembered that today was circled on the calendar he stiffened up. She looked down at him in nervousness afraid that he would become angry. But then he relaxed as he pulled her down to kiss her.

If he had to do it on command he was going to at least enjoy it he told himself as his hands caressed her back. He felt almost lonely as she led the way. Their touching was only to bring one goal. It was nothing but movements that were guaranteed to bring results. There was no spontaneity of passion. No laughter and love.

A little while later when he tried to lower her down onto him she had pulled back. His eyes were quizzical as she rolled them over so that she was on her back. A pillow below her hips as she positioned herself for him. Then he remembered when she had told him that this would be the best position for conception. Their eyes met in mutual understanding as he started to lower himself on her bringing a connection to this act that had been absent before. They realized that they both felt the loneliness.

Spike leaned forward to kiss her before he began to move.

“Its okay, Buffy, I want you to be happy.” He tried to let her know that although he wasn’t thrilled about a lot of this that she was still his first concern. That his love for her wasn’t diminishing by these days. She would always be his heart even though hers wanted more than him.

When he had moved off of her he continued to lie beside her. Kate had told her to stay in that position for at least twenty to thirty minutes. The comforter was lovingly pulled over her as he snuggled into her side. His head nuzzled on her shoulder.

“Thank you.” She whispered to him as she kissed the top of his head. Their hands entwined across her belly.

“It’s all right, love. I know how much this means to you.”

“I know it’s not fair to you. You seem to be doing all the sacrificing right now.” Buffy wanted him to understand that she knew how much this was tearing him apart and that she appreciated it.

Spike moved so that he could look down at her. Tears were slowly falling down her cheeks as she looked up at him.

“Don’t cry. We’ll get through this. Hopefully, you’ll get your baby from it.”

He gently wiped the tears from her face.

“Our baby.” She corrected him softly. “It will be our baby.”

Her words were filled with so much love that for the first time he began to believe that there would be room enough for both of them in her heart. And with that he began to hope that this would lead to a baby for them. He lay back down against her as they begin to drift off to sleep together.

~~~~~~~~~~

April 17, 2007 8:35 PM

Over three months of trying had led to nothing.

Buffy moved through the cemetery with a predatory air just hoping that something would appear. The need to use up her pent up anger and frustration was her driving force. The tension between Spike and her were almost at the breaking point. But what she needed and wanted seemed to be low on someone’s list to take care of. After several hours of searching she only found one fledgling and one demon that had run from her. The fledgling was dust and the demon had gotten away.

At midnight she finally turned for home hoping that Spike was in his study or had already gone to bed. His continual switching from tender support to whining about his frustrations was driving her crazy. Most days she could handle him but earlier she had found out that she wasn’t pregnant again. She just wanted to be alone to lick her wounds in private.

According to their agreement there were only two months left to try. She would honor that no matter how much it hurt. Because she knew that to push anymore beyond that would start to erode the very foundation of their relationship. Their promises to each other had always been honored. It was something that Spike demanded between them and she readily agreed. He had always kept his even when it was almost too much for him. Like now.

Buffy slipped through the back door trying to get a feel for where he was before she saw him. But he was there sitting at the kitchen table with a mug of blood in his hand almost like he had been waiting for her. He glanced up at her as she came in. Neither of them knew what to say to the other. She went to the refrigerator to get a soda before coming to sit across from him.

“I’m sorry.” His words were soft as he tried to reach her. He had found the tampon wrappings in the trash that afternoon. When she had left to go patrolling alone he had let her go knowing that her emotions were too volatile for a confrontation. As much as he hoped for her baby it was becoming more evident that he had been right. It was never going to be. And to hope was only going to lead to hurt.

“No, you’re not. You don’t want any of this.” Buffy snapped at him wishing that she had just gone upstairs instead of sitting here. A fight was not really what she was looking for but the words had slipped out of her. She stood to get away from the hurt look in his eyes.

Spike followed her pinning her between him and the kitchen counter.

“What I want is you back.”

“I haven’t gone anywhere.”

Spike reached up to move a lock of hair behind her ear. Then slowly his fingers trailed across her face coming to brush against her lips. His eyes glittered with the emotions filling him.

“Yes, you have. I can’t reach you anymore.” His voice soft with pain from her wanting something he knew he couldn’t give.

“No, what you mean is you don’t have me fucking you everyday anymore. It always has to be your way. Your conditions.” She pulled back away from him leaving his hand suspended in mid-air. Spike let it drop to his side as he contemplated her words. He knew that she was hurt and frustrated but it wasn’t true. His eyes flickered down as her hands pushed against his chest. Then he looked back up at her as he grabbed her hands in his own. Just so that she would hold still.

“Everything that I have become is shaped by you. Everyday I deny who I truly am for you. Because this is the way Buffy would want it. Because being pure and righteous is the way I am supposed to be. Not the demon that screams at me to let him loose. Do not talk to me of conditions and who is giving up the most.”

With that he let go of her hands to turn to walk out the door. Buffy stood in stunned silence as his words reminded her of how much he had changed. To not only love her but to fight on the side of good. When she heard the motorcycle start up she grabbed the keys from the counter, slammed out the back door and ran toward the driveway. He was just coming out of the garage when she got there.

There was only a momentary hesitation as he stopped for her. With a grateful smile and tears on her cheeks she climbed on behind him. Her arms wrapped around him as he took off. The night was theirs as he pushed the limits of the bike for speed. The three of them moved as one. The bike, Spike and Buffy. As they turned corners going too fast they would lean with the bike trying to keep from sliding. The wind pushed at them as the anger was left in its wake.

Spike took them along the coast road as if he was trying to chase the ocean. She clung to him even tighter as they moved along the cliffs. Here, together, they could feel the power of life around them. The power of their love between them. Here it was as he secretly wanted it. Just the two of them and the night. He wished that they could just keep going. That they never had to go back to the responsibilities, the family and the life they had created. Even as much as he loved that life occasionally it felt like a weight holding him back.

Sometimes, just sometimes he wanted to let the demon loose just to feel one more time the way he used to. In the kill. In the fight. In the sex. But he knew that it would never be. Not as long as Buffy was there. Not as long as the family was there. Not as long as his soul and heart were still intact. Usually when these feelings and thoughts took him over he would go to find Buffy. To lose himself in her arms. There he found all the power and freedom he needed. But lately that had been taken from him so that night he was just trying to outrun his demon. And was grateful because Buffy was there to remind him of what he had to lose.

TBC

Chapter 4 - Expressions of Time

April 10, 2007 6:25 PM

When Kate had gone into labor earlier the family, save for Tara and Anya, had gathered at the hospital. They had decided to stay at home with the children allowing their partners to stand in for them. As it was the rest of the family had crowded into the small labor room. Giles had stood on one side of Kate’s bed while Dawn had taken the other side. Josh hovered behind Dawn while Buffy, Willow, Xander and Spike had taken up spots around the room.

Then the four of them had been relegated to the waiting room when Kate had progressed into the pushing stage of her labor. In the waiting room Buffy and Spike had taken the chairs on opposite ends of the couch leaving it open for Xander and Willow. As they all sat down Willow looked from one blonde to the other who were looking anywhere but at each other.

They had both been happy and sociable while they had been in the room with the expectant family. As soon as they had walked out of the room the pair had lapsed into a tension filled silence. Xander glanced at Willow with a questioning look but Willow could only shrug her shoulders. As far as she knew everything had been fine when she had spoken with Buffy yesterday. Well, at least at that time she hadn't said anything was wrong.

"So, Spike, want to go find the vending machines? Get loaded up on drinks and snacks while we wait." Xander asked his friend as he stood. Maybe if Buffy and Spike were separated they could find out what was going on. All he knew was that Spike had been more edgy lately. They had gone out Sunday afternoon together to play pool down at Willie's. Their regular hangout since it had been transformed into more of a sports bar for demons and humans than the unsavory place of the past. Xander had been worried about his friend as he had started drinking earlier than usual and had been smoking again.

"Sure." Spike didn't even glance at Buffy as Xander found out what the girls wanted. Buffy didn't seem to want him around anymore so he didn't bother to try to talk to her. If she 'needed' him she would come to find him.

As soon as Xander had finished talking to the girls the two men walked away from the waiting area and down the hall. Once they were out of sight Willow scooted to the end of the couch closest to where Buffy's chair was.

"So, what's going on between you two?" Willow questioned her best friend. Things had been tense between the couple as their agreement was reaching an end, but now it seemed as if they weren't even talking.

"Everything is fine, Will." Buffy only glanced over at Willow before returning her gaze to the same spot on the carpet.

“No, it’s not. Why even bother lying to me?”

Willow got a smile for her prodding then Buffy shook her head as if to further confirm her reluctance to talk. Though, in the end, she finally opened up.

“He won’t touch me at all. We don’t talk and he stays in his damn study all the time.” Buffy rushed determined to get it out.

“Why don’t you talk to him? I mean, if you don’t talk, maybe if you talk first, he would talk back.” Willow babbled out trying to avoid the topic of touching. It wasn’t like Buffy and she hadn’t talked about their sex lives before but since Buffy wasn’t getting any it didn’t seem like a good subject.

“I do try.”

“About something besides a baby?”

“Yeah, about patrolling, the house, his book, anything to get him to pay attention to me. All I get is a brick wall. Take last night, for example. He was watching TV and when I curled up next to him he got up and went to bed.”

Willow smiled at her friend.

“Well, Buffy, you know why he did that?” Then after a brief pause Willow furrowed her brows to make sure that Buffy did know. “You do know why?”

“Well, yeah, because it makes him want to have sex. Which we can’t do right now. But does all touching have to lead to sex. I mean, can’t we just hold each other and stuff.” Buffy crossed her arms in front of her as her voice went into a whine mode. She could handle touching him without it automatically leading to other things. Although, if she was honest with herself, touching that didn’t lead to sex hadn’t happened a lot in the past. Touching one another almost always led somewhere.

“Maybe he could if he was getting it. But he’s not. And he’s a guy and a vampire. So, it’s double the horniness.”

Buffy laughed at Willow’s explanation. It was true about the vampire issue. The sex was all wrapped up with the violence. That’s why they preferred routine patrolling to just be the two of them. If the fight was good that night then the sex afterwards was even better. It seemed to be part of their very nature as a vampire and a Slayer. She had learned to accept it over the years. And as Spike had taken her to new places sexually she was even glad for it.

“I don’t know. Sometimes I just want to tell him that it’s okay that I give up.” She leaned forward to bury her face in her hands.

“You can’t do that. If you quit now then you’ll never know. Maybe this month or next month might be the time. You’ll always wonder what would happen which will lead to big problems later on.” Willow knew that Buffy would let it tear her up inside if she gave up. It was better to just hang on a little bit longer.

“What do I do then?” Buffy sounded almost lost when she asked. All she wanted was things the way they were before. It seemed sometimes like she was losing the only thing that was holding her together.

“Trust him.”

The two friends turned to look at each other in silent understanding. As much as Buffy loved Spike sometimes she still had a hard time trusting him. To fully let herself go in his love. To trust that he wouldn’t hurt her eventually. That he wouldn’t leave her.

~~~~~~~~~~

“So, what’s up?”

Xander waited until they had turned the corner of the corridor before asking Spike what was going on.

“What do you mean?” Spike raised his eyebrow at Xander.

“Oh, come on, you know, the big silent treatment between you and the Buffster.”

“You mean the one where she doesn’t want anything to do with me unless I am trying to impregnate her or she is teasing me.” Spike complained as the two walked toward the cafeteria.

“It’s that bad?”

“Yeah, like last night she comes crawling all over me knowing damn well we can’t do anything. Then she gets in a snit because I get up and go to bed. I mean what am I supposed to do?”

As they approached the vending machines Xander started to dig around for change in his pockets. Spike pulled out what he had and dumped it in Xander’s hand.

“Spike, you know how women like to cuddle. That’s probably all she wanted to do.” Xander offered his explanation as he started to put the money in the machines. When the sodas came down he handed them to Spike.

“Hey, I have no problem with the cuddling when I am not so horny I could gnaw on wood.”

The two friends broke out in laughter when Spike’s remark caused a woman at the machine next to them to gasp. She gave them both a look of disgust as she hurried away.

“Don’t you think that Buffy might be feeling the lack of…closeness too?”

“She can do something about it. I can’t.”

A flush crossed Xander’s face as he realized what Spike said.

“You mean she can…and you can’t?”

“Well, yeah, she can. I don’t think she is though as bitchy as she has been lately.”

Xander laughed as he figured out what was really wrong with Spike.

“That’s probably why she was cuddling last night. Why don’t you do it for her? You know give her a little. Relieve some of her tension and then maybe she can, you know, be a little nicer to be around.”

“I can’t believe that I am having this conversation with you.” Spike dumped the sodas and chips that Xander had handed him onto a table then slumped into one of the chairs. “You of all people telling me to relieve Buffy of sexual tension.”

Xander came to sit down across from Spike reaching for one of the cans of soda. After taking a drink from it he asked, “Why is that so strange?”

“Because you have always wanted her or at least you did before you finally got smart and captured Anya.”

“Well, it’s not like you never looked in my wife’s direction.” Then continued after a pause. “At least Anya said the two of you never actually did anything.”

Spike shook his head to confirm what Xander was saying.

“No, we never did anything. Doesn’t mean I didn’t think about it. But I was living with Buffy at the time. And I knew Anya really loved you.”

There was a silence between the two men for a few moments as they both processed the conversation so far.

“What am I going to do if Buffy decides to leave me? Like she did before.” Spike’s voice was filled with pain as his worst fear teased at his heart.

“She’s not. She loves you too much.” Xander tried to console him because he remembered how much it had hurt when he didn’t think he would get Anya back.

“Not enough, Xander, not enough. There is just something that is always there between us.”

Spike blinked back the tears before they could even threaten to embarrass him.

“You are just going to have to trust her.”

With those words Xander stood and gathered up their snacks. Spike grabbed the remaining sodas before they headed back to the girls. Xander’s last words echoed in his head but there was always that something between them that he couldn’t get past no matter how hard he tried.

~~~~~~~~~~

April 10, 2007 11:10 PM

Buffy held the newest member of their family in her arms. Benjamin Rupert Giles had been born only an hour before. After being cleaned up he was now the center of attention among the family gathered there to celebrate his birth. Kate had allowed Buffy to hold her son before anyone else besides her and Giles.

She cuddled the small bundle to her while she ran her finger down his cheek. The wonder of such a tiny being was overwhelming her emotions.

“Thank you, Kate.” Buffy smiled up at the infant’s mother knowing what an honor it was to be able hold him so soon after his birth. After placing a kiss on his forehead she passed him to his older brother.

Spike watched Buffy place the baby into Joshua’s arms knowing that her heart was breaking. Once again she was only allowed to borrow the baby. It hurt him to watch this scene. One that would probably be repeated a few more times before this family was done. And each time Buffy would be left with empty arms. He wanted to hug her until it all went away. But how could he say the words to make it right when it was his fault.

~~~~~~~~~~

April 11, 2007 1:15 AM

They had decided to do a quick patrol before they called it a night but the town was eerily quiet for a change so they decided to head home after only about an hour of walking around.
Once they returned to the house Buffy moved to go upstairs while Spike went to his study to watch television. He watched but didn’t listen since he had the mute button on. Through the silence of the house he could hear her moving around. Hear the water running to fill the tub. He could imagine the sound of her clothes falling to the floor leaving her naked in the steam filled bathroom. The water parting to let her body slide into it’s heat almost the way he wished he could slide into hers.

He could remember the days when he would join her or sit nearby so they could talk. Back in the early days of their relationship some of their more emotional moments were in the bathroom. There were both good and bad moments that had shaped who they had become as a couple. He missed those times. He missed her. Finally, he moved to follow his heart up the stairs to stand outside the bathroom. The scent of her bath oil made him think of the way she smelled when he used to hold her. Then he turned without going in and went into their bedroom shedding his clothes. He slid between the sheets to wait for her. The temptation of seeing her that way was too much for him.

These days he didn’t even want to touch her at all. It only reminded him that he couldn’t have her. So, he avoided her. All he could do was wait until this time was over. And hope that there was something left to salvage.

~~~~~~~~~~

She followed him through the door watching him walk away and into his study. A sigh moved through her as she noticed the slump in his shoulders. She knew he hurt and wanted to take it away, but if she did then she would never know if this or next month would have been the time. It was almost over for her dream anyway. The acceptance of never bearing a child was becoming almost too real for her. All she wanted was to lose herself in his arms. To cry away the hurt and shame and anger. At her and at him. For neither of them being able to give life. If it was his fault than it was hers also.

Turning away from his departing back she moved upstairs. After she turned on the water she poured bath oil into it, hoping it would soothe the ache that her body carried. It was almost as unbearable for her as him. Her hands slowly removed her clothing while running her hands across her flesh wishing that it was him touching her. There weren’t even touches made in passing anymore. No more cuddling. Or passing each other in the hall to only end up pinned against the wall while he growled into her mouth. His body pressed against her. These things would only lead to things that they couldn’t do. So, they didn’t touch.

She lay back in the water while the tears ran down her face. Back before when she had thought he was harmless she had never thought that he would mean so much to her. The only thing that made sense in a senseless world. His love the only constant in her life. The only one strong enough to follow her into her hell and bring her home. The only one that stayed even when she left. But he was the one who had also taught her that you had to follow your dreams. Run them into the ground to appreciate what you do have. She just hoped that her dream didn’t take him from her.

Finally when the water was cold she climbed out of the tub barely registering what she was doing as she dried off and put her pajamas on. After brushing her teeth she straightened up the bathroom before heading for their room. Spike was sleeping curled on his side as close to the edge of the bed as he could. Buffy moved to her side of the bed picking up her pillows then turned to leave.

“Where you going, pet?”

Spike rolled over to see what she was doing. Buffy paused in her steps to look back at him in the dim light.

“I was going to go sleep in the spare bedroom.” The words fell over each other as she squirmed beneath his gaze. Unable to look at him she stared at the wall behind him.

“Why?”

Buffy shrugged her shoulders. She knew why but she just didn’t want to tell him the reason. That she wanted to cry until there were no more tears. She wanted to cry loudly in great hiccupping barely breathing grief for what she was finally accepting would never be. That she knew that he was tired of everything that was happening between them. That he loved her but didn’t want to deal with it anymore. That she realized that he was right and she had been foolish for even trying. So, she stood there not saying a word.

Spike tilted his head in that way of his as he watched her.

“Well, love, that doesn’t seem like a very good reason so why don’t you come back where you belong.” Even though he was saying it in a teasing manner there was an edge to his voice. It was one that she recognized but right now she needed emotional release of some sort. Whether it was a good cry or a fight she didn’t care right now.

“Spike, I just want to be alone right now.”

Buffy turned to walk out of the room waiting for his reaction. He didn’t disappoint her.

“Buffy, get back here now.”

“No.” She was halfway down the hallway when he grabbed her arm to pull her around to face him. His eyes were filled with anger as he stared down at her. Then without a word he began to pull her back toward the bedroom. For a moment she gave her choice a second thought then let it go. Buffy wrenched her arm free from him then pushed at him.

Spike couldn’t believe that she was doing this. It was as if by speaking his fear had brought it to life. If she stopped sleeping in their room it was only time until she moved out of the house. After only a moment of watching her walk away he went after her again. This time he turned her pushing her back into the wall. After all the months of denying all his needs his mouth went to hers. He kissed her with all of his angry need for her. At first she didn’t do anything only accepted the bruising pressure against her mouth.

Then she pushed against him sending him into the wall behind him. They faced each other as they lost the hold between them. The past came back to them as they began to fight. She slapped him only bringing retaliation from him. As the movements brought them down the hall they were soon standing next to the precipice of the staircase. But neither of them was thinking clearly and they never figured out whose punch it was that took them into nothingness.

As they hung in space the horror of the past few minutes hit Spike full force. His arms reached out for her as they tumbled down the stairs trying to protect her with his body. When they reached the bottom she came to land on top of him. For a moment they laid there not knowing how to repair this. Or even how to take the first step.

“You okay?” His voice was gentle in his concern. “Buffy?” He called to her again when she didn’t say anything.

She moved to crawl off of him without saying a word. He scrambled to his feet to be able to face her. But she still didn’t say anything as she turned to walk back up the stairs. Not knowing what else to do he followed her. He waited as she picked up her pillows on her way to crawl into their bed.

Buffy lay on their bed wishing she had never tried to leave. When she had wished for a fight it wasn’t one like that. Just some good screaming that they were so good at. Their anger and hurt was much deeper than either of them was admitting too. Otherwise it never would have gone so far. He stood still in the door watching her like he was on the outside again.

“I’m sorry. Come to bed.”

He moved to crawl in next to her pulling her back against him.

“I’m sorry.” He put a kiss on her shoulder while running a hand down her arm. “I just didn’t want you to leave.”

“I know. I just wish things were the way they used to be between us,” she whispered to him as she shifted so that she could look up at him. But as he kissed her softly they both knew that it would never be that way again. Every illusion of their love was being shattered by the reality of their life. As they fell asleep in each other’s arm they both hoped that they could find a way to go forward.

TBC