Chapter 29 – Daddy’s Hands
August 5, 2007 8:15 PM
The radio barely contained the music that blasted from the ancient speakers.
Spike sang along with Poison’s ‘Every Rose Has Its Thorn’ as he hurried back
home. Xander and he had spent the rainy afternoon driving around looking for the
car that Penelope had seen last night. None of them were comfortable just
leaving it in the police’s hands and had decided to do some investigating
themselves. Besides he had wanted out of the house, Angel and company had
arrived en masse last night and although they were helping the best way they
could, Spike was feeling suffocated by their presence.
He turned to pull into his driveway glancing down to turn the radio below thundering volume but as his eyes darted back up, he saw a small curly haired boy dashing across the driveway in front of him. Fear clutched at his heart as instincts kicked in and he slammed on the brakes. The heavy car screeched out its disapproval as it tried to stop but continued to slide a few more feet on the wet asphalt. Spike kept waiting for the sound of impact but was thrown into the steering wheel as the Desoto stopped almost turning on its nose from the suddenness.
Jumping from the car, panic pushing him to hurry, Spike dashed around the front of the vehicle. Elijah stood wide eyed staring at the grill of the car only an inch from him. His small hand held up as he detained the monster that seemed to want to devour him. His father snatched him up in a crushing hug and the car settled down into itself.
“You stopped the car, are you okay? You stopped the car. Oh, God, are you sure you’re all right?” Spike’s hands ran over his son as his mouth repeated his litany.
Elijah came back to himself once he knew that he was now safe in Daddy’s arms. His small arms a vice around the vampire’s neck and his face was buried against his neck.
“Don’t leave us. Pwease don’t leave us. Mummy didn’t mean to be bad with Max,” the child began to cry in great terrified gulps.
At that moment the front door of the house flew open and Buffy followed by Raven and Max ran toward the pair.
“Spike, what happened? We heard the car. Oh, my God, is he all right?” Buffy reached them holding her arms out to take her son as she realized what had almost happened.
Elijah wrapped his legs around Spike’s torso and clung even tighter as he pulled away from Buffy.
“No, you were bad. Make Daddy go away. I don’t want Daddy to go away,” the child wailed as his tears soaked his father’s neck.
Spike stroked his son’s back gently while kissing his small cheek, “Shhh, Daddy’s not going anywhere. It’s okay. I’m here.”
He looked at Buffy’s hurt and frightened face, and then at the wariness on Max’s, finally he turned to Raven and found what he was looking for. Guilt.
“What’s going on, Raven?”
“How would I know?” The girl took a step back knowing that this time she would pay. That by scaring Elijah enough to run outside that she would probably be packing her bags this time and now she was afraid that she would be going without her brother.
Spike walked across the driveway still holding Eli with Buffy matching him step by step afraid to let them out of her sight. Max stepped back some out of the way.
“Because you know. Tell me why Elijah thinks I am leaving.”
Raven just looked at the ground afraid to do anything else but remain silent.
“Mummy was bad with Max. You going to leave,” Elijah answered for her.
“I’m not leaving,” Spike reassured his son again. He turned to look at Buffy seeing the confusion in her eyes at the pronouncement that she was bad.
“What’s been going on?”
Buffy was quickly going over the events of the last hour or so trying to figure out what had happened that would make Elijah think she was bad enough for Spike to leave. Then realization dawned on her and she looked at Max guiltily before looking at her husband.
“Max was holding me,” she told her husband softly.
“Why?” Spike asked just as softly. When Buffy looked flustered and her hands begun to wring together he sighed, “Buffy, just tell me, please. All I want to know is why my son almost died.”
“Our son,” Buffy snapped at him. “I was upset about everything and started to cry. Max held me while I did. That’s all.”
Spike reached his hand out and pulled Buffy to him by the back of her neck. He kissed her gently on the cheek and rested his forehead against hers for a moment. “You okay now?” His quiet request for reassurance that she was okay now made the tears return. When she whispered that she was fine, he released her. “Elijah, go to your mother. Everything is okay, I promise. I’m not going anywhere and Mummy wasn’t bad.”
The boy looked at both of his parents and knew they weren’t mad at each other and all was going to be fine so he reached his arms out to allow his mother to hold him.
Spike slowly turned back to Raven knowing that she was the root of this current family drama. “Now, are you going to tell me what happened or do you get to see how pissed I can be?” Spike had started the question off slowly but by the end was screaming at the girl. Buffy’s hand came out to clutch at his arm to tell him to go easy on her but the fury was rampaging his senses at how they could be having a second funeral tomorrow and he sincerely wanted someone to pay.
Raven began to cry herself as she started to back away, all she wanted was to get away from them and she turned to start to run but only found herself clutched in the embrace of her father. She was held against him and even using the moves she had learned couldn’t free herself.
“Stop it now. I’m not going to hurt you but you are not leaving.” Spike turned and dropped the girl in the middle of them. Raven forced herself to stand again. Her eyes looked from her mother on one side, Max on the other, and Spike behind her. “Nobody is fucking leaving. Do you understand me? No one else is getting lost,” Spike roared at them. All of them. The thought of another person being lost or gone or dead was too much for him. He had yet to take the time to mourn the brunette that had stolen part of his heart because he had been trying to hold everyone else together and do something productive and it was beginning to catch up to him. “Raven, damn it, just tell me what the hell is going on?”
Raven knew that she had no choice but to confess and take the punishment. She turned on trembling legs to face her seriously pissed off father. “I…I was up that night that you all fought about Max. About them being in the motel together. When Buffy started crying, he was holding her and I thought they had started something. That you would leave us.”
“So, you told Elijah.”
“Yes, he has to know that this place is only temporary.”
Spike’s hands went to his hips knowing that part of the problem was him and his temper. The one that at this moment was telling him to let loose but he looked at Buffy and told himself to calm down. He had to calm down before causing irreparable damage to Raven’s heart.
“First, I am upset because Max was holding Buffy,” Spike glanced up at his wife quickly after hearing her gasp of protest. “But not because of what you think. I’m upset because you weren’t. Where were you when she was crying? Watching? Thinking about you? You should have been there, Rav, you’re not a child as you keep reminding me. We take care of each other around here. At least we are going to from now on. And second, why do you think this is temporary?”
“Because you didn’t really want us. Elijah and I are just substitutes for the babies that you haven’t had. I heard you that night too, talking to Tara and Willow about trying to have a baby again. Once you do, you won’t want us around anymore.” Raven looked down at the ground waiting for the affirmation to her worst fear. The words to tell her that it was time for her to pack her stuff and go that they didn’t really want her.
“Eavesdropping is never going to give you the truth, pet,” Spike came to Raven wrapping his arms around her. Spike looked over at his wife seeing the anger and confusion at the announcement that they were trying to have a baby again. “Can we talk about that part after the kids are settled?” She nodded her head relieved that he was so willing to talk things out. After receiving Buffy’s affirmation Spike returned his attention to the girl in his arms. “I love you. Nothing is going to take that away. You are a part of me, of us, for now and forever. Understand?”
The girl didn’t respond. She stood allowing Spike to embrace her without returning it. Buffy came to stand closer to them and Spike released their daughter so Buffy could talk to her. Buffy’s hand came to pull up the girl’s chin, “Listen to me, Raven. Even if I had already been pregnant or if we had already had a child, you and Elijah would have been welcome here. And if we have a dozen babies or adopt more children, you two will always be our first children. There will be no division or favoritism, because you all will be ours. It’s as if we were meant to be together. As bad as this has been, us adjusting, it will get better.”
“We don’t have to leave?” Elijah asked.
“Never,” Buffy emphatically told her son.
“Really?” Raven asked in wonder. “We don’t ever have to leave? Even if there are other kids?”
“Yes, really,” Spike answered. He pulled the girl against him again as Buffy and Elijah cuddled into his other side. “Just keep remembering this because I am sure there are going to be times when we all want to run.”
Spike looked up to find Max still standing there watching them.
“I know this isn’t going to sound manly but you might want to join us because I think this family now includes you.”
“Aww, shucks, I’m an honorary Blood.” Max joked as he walked over to throw his arms around the family. It might have been said as a joke but as he was included in the family hug he felt a sense of homecoming, that this was where he belonged too.
August 5, 2007 11:51 PM
“Spike?” Buffy’s voice was soft as she entered the study. He was hiding again. Like in a lot of ways he had been since Faith’s death. Hiding literally as he was now or hiding by being constantly busy taking care of business.
“I was wondering how long it would take you to come find me.”
He didn’t turn around to see her and Buffy made her way to him. She laid her hand against the back of his neck, her thumb caressing the nape right where his hair ended.
“You said we’d talk and I would like to do that.”
Spike nodded as his hands dropped from his keyboard to rest in his lap. “I’m sorry. No, I’m not. I went to Willow and Tara and asked them to make me the fertility tea. I did it because I love you and I want you to have everything that you want to be happy.” There was a slight twinge of defiance in his voice as he told her what he had done.
“I appreciate the gesture, Spike.” She moved around so that she could sit on his lap. “Thank you for wanting to make me happy. But it’s something that we need to discuss first.”
“You don’t want a baby anymore?” Spike asked incredulous.
“Yes, I want more children whether I give birth to them or whether we adopt more. But everything right now is chaotic and dangerous and I’m okay if it doesn’t happen right away. We’ve been blessed with two other children and they need to be our focus, to make sure that they are happy and taken care of. Then we’ll try again which ever way we feel is the best way to precede with the matter. Okay?”
He nodded. Relief wound its way through him that she wasn’t angry at his deception and happy that she was okay with what they had been given.
“You’re right. I guess I was being rash again.”
“Yeah, you were but it was based on good intentions and makes me love you a little more.”
Buffy leaned down to kiss him but then something occurred to her, “Is this why you haven’t made love to me in days?”
“Yep, you’re ovulating so tonight you would have gotten some.”
“Yeah, so do I still get some or are you going to make me attack your ass?” She joked as she wiggled around on his lap until he growled low in his throat.
“You might get pregnant, it’s the right time and I have been taking the tea.” Spike told her seriously though hoping she wouldn’t back out now but was surprised when Buffy threw her head back and laughed.
“We can borrow a condom from Raven if you’re worried about it.”
“Like bloody hell I am wearing a fucking raincoat,” He groused as he picked her up and laid her down on the desk. His shirt landed on the floor before he leaned over to kiss her.
“Here on the desk, why Mr. Blood you are getting awfully risqué,” Buffy laughed again and he froze pulling back from her. “What’s wrong?’
“It’s not right, us doing this, Faith…” Spike started to stand when Buffy pulled on his belt.
“Yes, it is. Faith is probably smiling and watching to get an answer to her question.”
“What question is that?”
“If vamps are better than humans.”
Spike laughed and leaned over his wife again. “Then I guess we had better give her a damn good show, huh?”
“I hope so because I’ve been horny for days.” Buffy giggled again as her hands ran along Spike’s chest.
“Wanton slut.” Spike whispered to her before proceeding to put on the best show he could.
August 6, 2007 9:25 PM
The family formed a circle around the grave as a preacher who had never met
Faith said the last words over her body. It had taken some talking and asking
around before they found someone who was willing to perform the service at
night. Buffy knew that to leave anyone out of the ceremony would have been
unfair. Spike had told her that the family had held her service in the afternoon
and neither he nor Angel had been able to attend which had seriously pissed her
off when she had found out. It definitely topped the anger she felt at the ugly
dress they had buried her in. A brief smile crossed her face as she thought of
the jeans, low cut top and boots that Faith wore for her final outfit. The
thought of putting the vibrant woman in a dress that she never would have worn
alive had sickened Buffy and made her fight for the clothes too.
At the head of the coffin stood Spike and Buffy with Elijah between them and Angel and Cordelia stood next to them. The two couples that headed the family took their ranking place as the others scattered around them. Clem stood directly to the side closet to where her heart was. Max, Fred, Lorne and Wesley stood as a small group together. Gunn and his wife, Carley, stood on the other side with the rest of everyone from Sunnydale. At the corner stood Raven with Connor, his arm protectively over her shoulder.
When the preacher was done with his words, Lorne sang ‘Amazing Grace’ with everyone slowly joining in. Then it was over. They walked slowly by laying hands on the coffin or just whispering good-bye. As Buffy lifted her hand from the coffin to turn back to Spike, she saw him standing only a few yards away.
Riley. Alone and wearing an expression of mourning. Anger filled her at the thought of him being here and she walked over to him. The rest of the family saw and followed her over.
“What are you doing here?”
“I came to pay my last respects.”
“Why?’
“Buffy, I knew Faith. I felt for her.”
“No, you didn’t. You didn’t know Faith at all. What you fucked her while she was in my body and you think it made an impression on her? What is it with you men? You think you have to be with a girl only once and she remembers you forever.”
“Buffy, there isn’t any reason to be angry. Or is this what living with a demon does to you? Makes you cold and ugly?”
“Don’t insult my wife.” Spike said.
“Yes, I did hear that you two got married. Finally decided to sink all the way into the gutter and married him and I heard you had children too.”
“This isn’t the place or the time for this.” Fred spoke up. It looked like if it wasn’t settled there was going to be a fight.
“No, it isn’t. I’m sorry.” Buffy agreed. “So, how did you hear about Faith or for that matter about Spike and the children?”
“I just know some people and other than paying my respects I came to warn you.”
“Warn me?”
“Yes,” Riley looked around at the people in front of him. “Marrying a demon and adopting those children has made you some pretty serious enemies. Enemies who will do whatever they have to do to protect the natural order of life. I said I would try to talk to you.”
“Natural order of life? Protect? Is that what Faith died for, their screwed up idea of what is right or wrong?”
“Buffy it isn’t natural for a woman like yourself to marry something like him. He’s an evil monster that is only halfway tamed because of the chip in his head.”
“I’d watch what you said there.” Angel spoke up as he made his way to stand next to Spike before Spike had a chance to respond. “There are a lot of demons surrounding you and you seem to be alone.”
“Standing up for him? I thought you didn’t like him either or him marrying her.”
“You sure do know an awful lot for such an ignorant ass. You’re right, I don’t particularly like him or the fact that they married but you know what, he’s family, that gives me the right to say what I want but you aren’t, family that is, so that doesn’t give you the privilege of licking the bottom of his shoe.”
Riley laughed as he stared at the people in front of him. He had never really understood Buffy’s way of life or the people that filled it. For awhile there it had almost made sense the demons and human living together but he had seen more since leaving Sunnydale. Things that only reinforced his first beliefs that demons should never be allowed to live. Even the ones, who walked, talked and looked human.
“I don’t like him, Daddy,” Elijah said while holding his arms up to be picked up. Once settled in his father’s arms he laid his head on his shoulder.
“I don’t like him either,” Spike whispered.
“What happened to you Riley? When did you become such a bigot again?” Buffy asked saddened by the regression of the man in front of her.
“Villages destroyed by demons, vampires that have left families destroyed, little children run through by creatures with no conscience, that‘s what did it.”
“And what about the demons who fight for the good of the world, who only want the right to live a life without worrying about it all being taken away just because they are a demon or not quite human. Like Spike, Angel, Lorne and Clem.”
“And me,” Cordelia spoke up.
“And me.” Anya said, “Well, used to be demon.”
“And me,” Connor said.
“And me,” Raven spoke up.
“Go back, Riley, go back to these enemies that I supposedly made and tell them that are now my enemies and I don’t lose. Haven’t yet. Not even to death. Go back and tell them we won’t rest until they are found and brought to justice for my children’s parents and for Faith. And if you are part of them I will bring you down too.” Buffy warned her former boyfriend before turning and heading back toward home.
Slowly the others followed her. Raven walked up to Riley and spat on his shoe. “Go to hell,” she whispered vehemently before walking away.
Angel caught up to Spike and threw an arm around his shoulder, “What I said back there, don’t ever repeat it because I’ll deny it to the end.”
“Sure, Grandpa, you really love me and you know it.”
“That’s Grandfather to you, sonny boy.”
As soon as Riley was out of hearing range, Max made a phone call to one of his men who was watching the proceedings, “There is a causacion male leaving the cemetery on the north side, follow him, he’s got connections to the SoL.”
Then he turned to follow the rest of the family home.
TBC
Author’s Note: This chapter delves into Spike’s history and contains violence and implied non-consensual sex. Please read with caution if you are sensitive to this material.
Chapter 30 – Human Frailties
August 6, 2007 1:25 AM
In all the ways, in all the places and all the positions that they had made love
in Spike would have to say that this was his favorite. The two of them wrapped
naked in each other’s arms, skin to skin, flesh to flesh, lying quietly next to
each other while their hands and mouths communicated their love. No games, no
acrobats, no outside influences, just the two of them in simple wonder of the
other. It never ceased to amaze him how she responded to him. From wide eyed
acceptance that the act would occur then eyes slowly shuttering closed as he
played her and the soft sigh as his hands undressed her,
“I love you so much, Spike,” Buffy whispered against his neck as her hands ran down his back. The flesh rippled as she tickled him with the soft touch of her fingertips, her lips laying a trail of kisses along his shoulder. He moaned in response and hugged her tighter to him. There was so much warmth from her, heating his body as she wrapped her leg around him. She shivered as he dragged his teeth along her shoulder, her head falling back to offer him her throat. Spike accepted the invitation licking his way along her jugular while she squirmed her hips against him.
Unable to resist he covered her body with his as his mouth plundered into hers. Sweeping into the moist cavern he avoided her tongue, drawing out her torment until fingernails scratched down his back. He rose up on his hands so he could watch her face in the candlelight as he made her his.
“Buffy,” he moaned as her hips rose up to meet him as they came together. This moment when he first was inside her body always created pure bliss for him to be able to love someone as glorious as she.
“Hungry are we?” He lovingly asked. A frantic nod from her and he pulled back then drove back into her. As he moved over her, her hands were never still, moving up and down his arms, across his shoulders, down his back and clutching at his ass. Only to repeat the journey again while her feet rested next to his thighs, her toes curling and uncurling or lifting to rub against the back of his knees. And his pleasure was only made stronger by the watching of her and feeling her uninhibited response to him.
“Show me, baby, show me how good it is for you,” he begged softly.
A soft smile then her face tensed again as she reached the edge, then the eyebrows arched as her mouth formed a small circle then relaxing with a small cry as she toppled over. He leaned down to kiss the corner of her mouth as she looked at him in gratitude for giving her a piece of heaven again.
“Roll, Spike,” she commanded and pushed him over onto his back. He smiled up at her as she began to move on him.
A shadow crossed his face and he pulled her closer before he rolled her over onto her back again as he tried to find his own release but it was too far away.
“What do you need? Tell me,” Buffy requested softly. When he slowed to a stop, gathering her into his arms she held him tight against her. “I love you. Always you.” He nodded against her shoulder as she pulled herself off of him. Pushing him onto his back again, Buffy moved down his body until she could give him another type of pleasure. He arched into her and she smiled around him. But as she pleasured him she could feel the tension still in him, pulling back she whispered to him to let it go, that it didn’t matter. A tear rolled across his cheek as he played with her silken hair.
“I don’t know what it is, Buffy, I’m scared. I’m scared that this is the last time that I will ever make love to you like this.”
She quickly moved over him to be beside him. “What’s going on?” Her voice was filled with fear.
“It’s just a feeling that I have. It’s stupid I know.”
“Shh, it’s not the last time. It’s not the last time,” she whispered to him as she took him back into her heat. They held each other and rocked together, gentle, soft movements as they reassured the other of their love and their intention to always be together. Tears fell across their cheeks as she held and comforted him until he fell asleep.
Once she knew he was under she propped herself up on an elbow so that she could watch him. So still, so beautiful, how could she have told him that she had the same feeling that he did? His words only confirmed what she already knew. Something was coming to change their world forever and she wondered if they would be able to face it and still be together. It was like they had been standing on opposite sides of a river and they kept trying to get to each other, their efforts genuine but something always prevented them from fully connecting.
And no matter how much she tried to avoid it, she knew exactly what it was. It was his weaknesses and his doubts that she could still love him if he wasn’t strong Spike and her fear that his weaknesses would take him away from her.
“I’ve already lost her.”
Those weaknesses wasn’t affecting just them, it was affecting the whole family. Dawn’s refusal to accept him as anything other than the hero was tearing them apart.
“You aren’t going to kiss the beast and turn him into prince. That beast will always be there. I just want to make sure you’re ready for that.”
In spite of his warnings and foretelling of what was to come, she hadn’t been prepared. Instead she had let herself pretend that he was human; she had pretended that the beast wasn’t really a part of him, when she knew that it was always there. It would always be there. Something she had begun to accept too late, when it was already tearing at their relationship.
“I want you to know I did save you. Not when it counted, of course. But after that. Every night after that. I’d see it all again, do something different. Faster or more clever, you know? Dozens of times, lots of different ways…Every night I save you.”
She wasn’t any different from Dawn, holding him to a level almost impossible to attain and batting her eyes in confusion when he finally fell from those lofty heights. It was her that had started this, pushing the envelope, asking him for something they both knew he couldn’t give her. A baby. And by asking, had set him up for failure and he had done the only thing he knew to do, he had retreated behind the only thing that he felt confident in, being the beast.
Buffy wondered if he had ever really been allowed to be weak, if anyone had ever allowed him to show his softer side, his fears and his insecurities. Her hand rested on his chest, fingers softly drawing a pattern through the few curls that were there.
It was so hard, so confusing. She knew so little of his childhood only that it had been hard and demanding. When he was a young man he had been ridiculed for who he was, his poetry laughed at and his love rejected. His vulnerabilities laughed at. Angelus would have brooked no weakness in his camp and Drusilla needed him to take care of her. The only way he was allowed into their group was his ability to fight with them, his strength, never being given credit for trying or encouraged to change. Then Dru had needed him again and he had gone, only to return to find Buffy falling apart. He had never hesitated to being strong for her, even though it meant changing who he was. Everything was fine as long as he was strong and in control. Now that he was weak they were fighting for their very survival and everyone else was questioning him.
“As your friend, your lover, your partner in life, the father to our children, to always stand beside you in battle.”
His intentions were true. A standard that they both expected him to maintain, to never falter from.
“Would I lose you too if you knew the monster I was and could be?”
She had denied it but she wondered. Cordelia had backed away from Angel after seeing the truth of who he was. It had taken a long time for her to accept and forgive him. Would she be as weak? Or would it only make the bonds stronger between them? Would it be the final straw that tore them apart or would it chase his doubts and her fears away so they would know that nothing would ever come between them?
“When you do that there is nothing that can be held back. It opens the floodgates between the two.”
A decision was made. If they could face the source of what was tearing them apart and come out still together then there was nothing outside of them that could do it.
Buffy moved to her knees pulling the covers off of him. With tears in her eyes she removed the bandage from his shoulder knowing the wound was deep and would bleed heavily once the scab was gone. Her hand moved down his body fondling him and he responded as she wished. She watched as he stirred in his sleep finally coming awake as he arched into her palm.
“What’s going on, Buffy?” His voice was sleepy and confused.
She moved over him taking him back into her body. He moaned as his hands moved to her hips.
“I want to do the ritual.”
With her words he came to full alertness. “No, Buffy,” he refused trying to move out from under her but her hands were on his shoulders as her mouth ripped open the bullet wound.
The blood flowed as freely as his tears did. “Don’t do this, baby. I can’t lose you.”
Buffy moved so that she was looking down into his face. “Giles said it wouldn’t make a human a vampire because the amount of blood the vampire would drink wouldn’t be enough. And if I get lost you’ll find me.”
“You asked Giles?”
“Only in theory,” she kissed him quickly. “Spike, you asked the other night if you would lose me if I knew the monster inside you. Let me know and we’ll both know. You’ll never have to doubt my love again.”
“What if you can’t accept me? If you hate me?”
“Then would you still want to be with me? Knowing that I couldn’t accept all of you.”
Then he would know. If he was truly loved for him or loved for what he could give to her? His hand came up to hold her by the back of the head as he turned her onto her back. If he was honest with himself this was something that he had wanted for a long time but had been too afraid of hurting her to do it. Now, it seemed it was something that had to be done for both of them.
“It will come in sensations, emotions, some things will be clear and others just fuzzy images. You’ll get mostly what in my life had the most impact because that’s the strongest and it will drown out the other.”
She nodded that she understood.
“Wait until I am drinking from you, after the first swallow, then start drinking yourself.” He hesitated a moment then, “Are you sure, Buffy?”
“We need to know. In facing this then nothing or no one will ever come between us again. This is only going to make us stronger.”
Spike kissed her softly and settled deeper between her legs. “I love you.” He nuzzled her neck and allowed the demon to answer her call for him before he bit into her and felt the power of her blood before he took the first swallow.
Buffy closed her eyes arching up into him as he drank from her, her hands rested on his shoulders, as she took a deep breath, said a quick prayer for guidance and began to suckle at his wound.
At first the only sensation was the heightened sexual arousal and her body came alive again. A spiraling dizziness took over her senses and she struggled to focus but as it did and a room came into view she realized that she was seeing through Spike’s eyes and could feel everything that he felt.
Then it took only a moment before she heard laughter and voices saying he was a bloody awful poet and then she saw her, Cecily, the girl that had first broken his heart. Her words saying he was beneath her and she felt his heart break. Pain, great overwhelming humiliation and hurt driving him to run.
Hope as Drusilla promised him everything he wanted then she felt the pain as she bit into him, fear as he felt the life drain from him, only to wake in a coffin. Panic as he clawed his way out and Dru’s soft laughter as she waited for him. Her hand in his as she helped to pull him out of the ground and her kiss soft and wanting.
“Are you hungry? Of course you are. I saved her for you.” Then another girl, young and pretty, dressed in party clothes struggling to get away and his driving hunger to take. She struggled in his arms as Dru directed him where and how to bite, the first taste of blood as it streamed down his throat. The hunger satiated and the girl falling to the ground. Pride and a feeling of finally being someone to be feared coursing through him. He wanted to play, to get the revenge and Dru’s giddy delight in his appetite for violence as she danced around him.
A man screaming in pain as railroad spikes were driven into his body as Spike taunted, “See, what you get. Does it hurt? See I am bloody good at something, aren’t I.”
Everything faded then focused again as she felt the shackles on his wrists and the whip cracking across his back and the cold stone against his body as he bounced against it from the force of the whip being applied. Then a cool tongue licking across his open wounds sent shudders of arousal through him. Dru’s fingernails scraped across unbroken skin.
“Is Spike being a good boy? Do you deserve something special?” She whispered to him as the whip cracked against his upper thighs. Pain continuing as she nearly left him in ribbons before releasing him to fall to his knees.
“Come here.” She lay across the bed as she crooked her finger at him. And he crawled to her giving only a quick glance to Angelus and Darla entwined, watching from the chaise lounge in the corner. His only thought was that Drusilla was going to finally allow him the pleasure of her body. He had paid for it with his back as he covered her, his kisses hard and urgent as she wrapped her legs around him. He had been waiting too long for this, the teasing over the last couple of weeks and he couldn’t hold out. He came too quick, disappointing her, not knowing how to fix it; he mumbled and apologized as she pushed him out of the bed.
“You bad boy,” she said as she wagged her finger at him.
“Here simpleton, watch how a real man satisfies his woman.”
Humiliation and hurt as he watched Angel take Drusilla giving her pleasure as Darla taunted and laughed at him from the lounge, before she finally joined the other two in the bed. He was thrown a blanket and left to sleep alone on the floor as he listened to the three of them together.
Then more images of more kills, more bodies, more blood then another house where anticipation filled him as he waited for Angelus and Darla to leave. She could feel the smile across his lips as he walked up behind Drusilla, his hand wrapping in her hair as she squeaked in surprise. Her dolls scattering around the table as he pulled her away before slamming her face first into the wall.
“Now, listen, you are mine.” Spike went toward her again when she flew at him in rage. Her fingernails scratched at his face as she screamed that he was nothing to her but he only laughed. The laughter grew louder as he threw her down onto the table pushing the prized toys to the floor. His hands ripped her dress from her as she ineffectual fought him.
”There are things I have to accept like Angelus but I will have your respect.” He leaned over and kissed her shoving his tongue into her mouth.
“How does it feel?” He asked.
“Daddy will hurt you for this.” Dru squeaked.
“No he won’t,” Spike pulled her to her feet, where she struggled to stand on her toes because he was still holding her by the throat. “You know why? Because you like this, don’t you.”
Dru landed on the bed where he crawled over her. There was no gentleness in their coupling only the pain she craved. He had known the moment they had returned, that they were watching his taking of Drusilla. Then there was pride as Darla whispered to Angel, “I think our little boy is growing up.”
Then she felt his contentment when later Dru curled into him whispering her love and her desire to him. She was now his to love, protect and nurture.
More time, blood, screams of victims tortured for nothing more than the pleasure of their screams and blood. Men, women and children only selected for their locality, easiness or innocence.
Then a fight and a mob chasing them, the adrenaline and fun racing through his body as he ran, before they hid in a tunnel beneath Paris.
“See, what you have done again. The last time didn’t teach you a lesson, did it?” Angelus grabbed him by the shirt front and throwing him against the wall. “Now, you will pay. I am going to teach you once and for all who is in charge and that you nothing to me but another chattel.”
After the first scream Spike was silent, enduring the pain with clenched teeth, his fingers kneading the ground as Angel showed his true feelings.
Dru stopped momentarily to kneel beside him, her finger wagging in his face, “If you listened to Daddy then he wouldn’t have to punish you. Now, you can’t have cake and tea this evening.”
Spike waited until they had left to let the tears fall. Humiliation was all he felt as he curled into a fetal position and waited for the pain to dissipate.
Then there was laughter and enjoyment as they dressed to the nines for a trip to the opera, Drusilla on his arm beautiful in red satin. Her hand on his leg as they watched then after it was over, her body pressed to his as they hid in a darkened hallway of the house.
The images moved quickly again as time moved then clarity in a house as a woman cried on the couch as Angelus tormented her with things to come. He solicited a promise of cooperation from her for protection for the rest of her family. Then Angelus laughed,” Go on, Spike, show how far you have come under my tutelage, take the girl. Show me what a man you are.”
“Yes, show us what a man you are.” Darla prompted as she laughed at his unease.
A young woman slept in her small iron bed a long gown wrapped around her legs. Spike moved cautiously into the room, pulling the covers back, so far he had only followed Angelus in these matters, she screamed as the strange man knelt on her bed, then screaming louder as he covered her.
“Mummy, Mummy,” she cried helplessly.
“Your mother is dead,” he whispered into her ear. It wasn’t until he was halfway down the stairs before the remorse hit in a great wave. He looked back toward the room where he heard the weeping then down the stairs to where Angelus waited his turn. Maybe it wasn’t as much remorse for the act itself then for being a puppet on a string. Even if he would pay with this own body, he decided then that he would choose his own victims and his own way, rather then letting Angelus control him. Spike turned back up the stairs where the girl lay curled on her side, crying, and then trying to crawl away as the monster came back. A gentle kiss was laid on her forehead as a, “I’m sorry,” was whispered to her, before he broke her neck, releasing her to safety and freedom.
An image of a family dead propped up as if they were still alive as the vampires gathered around their table playing card games as they waited for night. They played for the last morsel of food in the house, the infant child of the family, given to the winner for a treat before they went hunting for the night.
Then image after image piling on top of another, more blood, strong in his nostrils, demons fought and humans killed, moments of tenderness and love between Drusilla and him. Sometimes the passion that stirred between the four and nights of bodies crowded into a bed in almost serene sleep.
It was another place, another time, a fight against a young Chinese girl, a Slayer, a worthy opponent for someone that was now skilled in the drawing out the pleasure of the kill. Taunts were exchanged as they danced in an effort to stay alive and then her realization that it would be her last fight. Her final words and thoughts of her mother’s pain as he drank her dry. The blood shared with Drusilla and the power of the sex. Arrogance and superiority as Drusilla crowed of his victory to the older vampires. Never again would he feel to be the lesser of the four.
Time drawn out, memories and things long forgotten drawn out for her perusal, emotions that ran the gauntlet from pain to ecstasy, of another Slayer dead and the claiming of the duster, of more people than it was possible to count taken for nourishment and forgotten, of love grown stronger, and the separation from the other two. The loss of their parents as Drusilla and he were cast to their own life and Spike’s nurturing was finally able to take hold as was his own brand of terror and mayhem. It was his rules to be lived by and their trek to Sunnydale to find an Anointed One.
Fascination and longing for another Slayer as he watched her dance. His impatience to fight her only because he wanted to see her again, to see if she was as worthy as he thought she was. There was his reunion with Angel only to be disappointed by the change in him, then the unhappiness of the return of Angelus. Betrayal and pain was his companion as he listened to Drusilla once again being pleasured by her sire as he sat helplessly in a wheelchair.
Frustration as he fought a losing battle to sustain his century long love only to lose as she kept telling him of his obsession for a Slayer and his betrayal of Drusilla with a pact with her.
The need and irresistible connection lured him to return to Sunnydale again and again but not for the locale but for a petite Slayer, a mortal enemy, too mesmerizing to kill, too much to hope for.
Humiliation, frustration, anger at being a prisoner of the Initiative, impotency and hunger driving him to the edge when he realized that his life had been taken from him. A hope and satisfaction that now he had an excuse to be around her. There was his enjoyment of the fights and arguments, of watching her. A sense of the surreal surrounding them while they were under the spell and his desire for her as they planned their wedding.
The sense of impotency lifting as he found he could fight demons and a feeling of being torn as he worked with Adam against her not knowing if he was right or wrong. A nudging in his brain that told him to be loyal to the Slayer even though it went against who he was supposed to be. His embellishment of his past to impress her and the feeling of rejection as he tried to kiss her before she tore him down, repeating the words of Cecily. His tears shed unnoticed in an alley even as he noticed hers not long afterwards as he tried to comfort her. The anger that drove him there was forgotten as she allowed his presence in her time of anguish.
A mixture of anger, loneliness, and insecurity filling him as he watched her window night after night listening to her having sex with Riley and wishing it was him. The hope he carried that she would see him as more than an evil creature when he showed her Riley’s treachery. An image of her ridiculing him for wanting to help and after she had walked away, Buffy saw that he had stayed to help even without the approval he had sought.
Xander’s rejection of his offer of condolences for her mother’s death and a lonely visit to her grave and tears shed for the loss of her friendship and the realization that he had one less ally on his side in Sunnydale.
More feelings of loneliness while pretending a machine could give him the companionship and sex that he desired from a girl that considered him loathsome.
Then the feelings intensified and swept through Buffy as she saw Spike beaten by Glory and his refusal to give her up. She felt his pain and hurt after Xander and Giles had left him alone, no thank you until she had shown up. The kiss that had changed his world forever and he lost the last of his doubts of loyalty to her. And his heart was forever given to her.
Buffy felt his failure as he fell from the tower and his bones breaking as he hit the ground. Then she saw her body lying on the rubble and her friends’ pain and the fact that no one included him in their grief or recognized his. For the first time she really saw the summer that she was gone. Spike fighting every night with them, his watching the house until the last light was turned off and then his lonely vigil filled with tears over her grave until dawn chased him away.
The images and emotional bombardment began to move faster as they got closer to the present. Buffy felt his wonderment and surprise at seeing her walking down the stairs, his empathy when she had told him she was heaven and the elation of their first real kiss.
Then the suffocation and frustration of having to take Drusilla to Europe, the shock of finding her living in his crypt, the overwhelming hope of making love to her for the first time and the relief of his name being called.
The pain of their tortured courtship and she felt his guilt as he dealt with getting the soul, things that she had never taken the time to realize over their time together became more real than ever to her. She felt his pain of Richard and the betrayal of her leaving for Dallas, his fear of taking her back if he was going to only lose her again. Their years together slid so easily through their connection, the fights, the love, the sex and their playing and the apocalypses they prevented. The grief of the baby they couldn’t have that ripped through him as he hid behind his darker side and his delight at Raven and Elijah becoming a part of them. Then his feelings and lust for Donna and she saw his trying to hold her only to push her away before the act was completed.
And most of all she felt his love for her, an overwhelming emotion that was almost an entity by itself. A force that moved through him and the individual emotions that made up his ties to her.
As it slipped away to the present Buffy felt an orgasm ripping through her body, strong and powerful in its possession of her body.
Spike felt her relax as she begin to let go of the images then he felt her body quake in her fulfillment of the act. His fangs slipped from her neck as he pushed himself to join her in the finale.
“Oh, God, Baby,” He called out as his body emptied into hers.
It was in that moment he knew something wasn’t right as he felt her become totally slack beneath him. An overpowering scent of blood and pain threatened to take over his senses. Quickly he withdrew from her body as he fumbled to turn on the light. When the light flooded the room he gasped from the fear at the sight before him. Somehow he managed to grab the phone and dial the number to Giles’ house.
“Hurry, hurry,” he whispered then as soon as Kate’s sleepy voice came over the line, “Kate, hurry, it’s Buffy. I think she’s dying.”
“What happened?”
“Just hurry, please, hurry.”
Spike didn’t even bother to hang up the phone as he dropped it on the bed. He crawled back over to Buffy lying next to her as he whispered for her to hang on and not to leave him. His eyes ran back over her hoping that he was imagining things, that her body wasn’t really covered with the marks of his years of pain.
TBC
Chapter 31 – You Are Where I Begin
August 6, 2007 3:15 AM
The sound of a car pulling into the drive was the only thing that could compel Spike to leave Buffy’s side but only after reassuring himself it would only be for the time it would take to get the alarm turned off and the door unlocked.
“I’ll be right back. Help is here,” he whispered to her, waiting until seeing acceptance in the eye that wasn’t swollen shut before taking off. She was unable to speak because it appeared that her jaw was broken. He ran down the hall and took the stairs three or four at a time using the rail for balance.
“Spike, what’s wrong?” Max asked.
Spike looked briefly toward the other man sitting on their couch, which was once again his temporary bed, before heading toward the alarm.
“It’s Buffy,” he managed to get out before pressing numbers on the alarm pad.
Max headed up the stairs without waiting for Spike as the look on the vampire’s face told him that whatever had happened to Buffy was bad. Really bad. The sight that faced him when he raced into their room almost made him sick. It looked like there wasn’t a spot on Buffy’s body that wasn’t bruised, burned or bleeding. Cautiously Max made his way to her side, “Buffy, its Max. Can you hear me?”
Her eye blinked rapidly in response to his question as he drew closer. Blood was seeping out from beneath her and carefully he moved her onto her side. Her back lay in ribbons; each cut was leaking blood as well as her bottom.
Footsteps behind him made Max turn around to see Spike returning to the room. “What the hell did you do to her?”
“I…didn’t,” Spike told him as he approached the other side of the bed. Tears had begun to run down his face as he realized that no matter how it had happened it was his irresponsibility in allowing the ritual that had caused this.
“Spike?” Raven asked softly as she stepped into the room. The sounds of the men running up and down the stairs had awoken her and she had come to find out was happening.
He turned to look at his daughter and spotted Elijah walking up behind her. “No, Elijah, don’t come in here. Raven, stop him. It will kill him.” Spike shouted in panic at the thought of Elijah picking up on what was happening to Buffy.
“I don’t feel anything.” Elijah stated from the security of Raven’s arms out in the hall.
As Max and Raven both turned to him for explanation, Spike whispered, “There’s a spell around the room keeping the sounds and feelings in here.”
“You son of a bitch,” Max exclaimed as his heart clutched still trying not to believe his friend would do this to his wife but knowing with the spell he could have tortured Buffy for hours and no one would have heard anything.
The sound of more footsteps hurrying up the stairs made everyone turn to see Kate, followed by Giles coming toward them and behind them was Willow.
Kate didn’t hesitate to ask why but hurried to Buffy’s side as she pulled on gloves. She made a cursory exam before pulling a syringe and a bottle of medicine from her bag. “I’m going to give her something for pain,” she stated and filled the syringe with morphine before administering it.
“What happened?” Giles asked.
“We did the ritual. The one she asked you about and when it was over she was like this. I’ve never seen it do this before. It looks like she has my wounds, my pain.” Spike told them hoarsely.
“These aren’t actually inflicted but from a ritual, magically induced?” Kate asked and then as Spike nodded, she turned her attention back to her patient. “Spike, did you and Buffy have anal sex tonight?” Her eye flickered up to him as she asked needing to know if that was from the ritual or was actually physically induced.
Spike looked toward the ground; embarrassed at the words he had to say, “No, Angelus, it’s part of my past.”
“I think I know what happened then. When she saw the truth of who you are and decided to accept you in spite of it, she wanted to protect you from that hurt and in turn took that pain upon herself.” Giles explained.
With his words the vampire began to sob at what she seemed to have tried to do for him and at how much she really had to love him.
“Oh my God,” Xander cried as he came through the bedroom door. Following him up the stairs was Dawn and Josh.
“Everybody out now,” Kate instructed because Buffy was beginning to deteriorate. Her heartbeat was slowing down and the family pouring through the door was wearing on her already fragile state. As everyone turned to leave she called, “Except for Willow, if magic did this then maybe magic can heal her.”
Xander turned to Spike to help lead him out, leaning down to grab a pair of his jeans from the floor on the way. Once everyone but Kate and Willow had taken up vigil in the hallway, Giles explained to the newcomers what appeared to have happened. Spike pulled on the jeans that Xander held out to him then sank on the floor with his arms wrapped around his knees.
“Did you call everyone?” Spike asked briefly looking at Giles.
“Yes, we didn’t know what had happened. Whether there was an attack again or what.”
Spike nodded before burying his head in his arms. Raven and Elijah were being held by Max, confused and hurt by what was happening. Raven kept looking at her father knowing that she should go to him but was frightened because she still wasn’t sure what had happened to Buffy. Dawn’s words made her decision.
“Are you all finally satisfied?” Dawn spat. “That eventually he is going to kill her; if he hasn’t already. Is this what you wanted, Spike? To make her less than what she is to satisfy you’re ego.”
“Dawn, stop it.” Giles said. Spike didn’t need her anger right now. He was slowly rocking back and forth on the floor while his shoulders shook from his tears. Xander came to sit beside him putting one hand on his shoulder to let him know that he wasn’t alone and not everyone blamed him.
Clem had joined them after returning from a late night return visit to Faith’s grave. Max quietly filled him on what they knew so far. Then in silence they waited. Time dragged on for what seemed forever when finally Willow popped her head out of the door. She looked around the small group with her eyes finally coming to rest on Xander.
“Get a basin filled with hot water and bring soap, washcloths and towels.”
“Is she all right?” Spike whispered.
“Seems she’s coming out of it but there’s a ways to go.” Willow answered with a small smile on her lips before disappearing behind the door again.
The others cleared a path for Xander to carry the basin and other requested items into the room. He came out a few moments later only to return to the room after retrieving clean linens for the bed. Then he too disappeared again and the wait continued.
“I hope to God she finally kicks you out for this.” Dawn directed at Spike. “You should have left with that bitch and spared Buffy all this shit you’ve been putting her through.”
The bedroom door opened and everyone was surprised when they saw Buffy leaning there. Her movements were small showing that she was still weak from her ordeal but the wounds however had disappeared from her body.
Buffy moved toward the wall where Spike was still sitting because he was too stunned at seeing her to be able to move or speak. She leaned against the wall and slid to sit on the floor next to him.
“Come here, baby,” she called to him holding her arms and caught him when he turned to her. His face nestled against her neck as her hands smoothed his hair. Then her gaze glanced around the room noting the frightened look on her children’s faces, the anger on Dawn’s and the concern on everyone else’s.
“Dawn, get out of my house. I heard what you said and you have no right to come into my home and insult my husband and make my children question their safety with him.”
“Buffy, why won’t you see? Come on, everybody, you have to back me up on this.” Dawn looked at everyone seeking support and not finding any.
“Dawn, what happened, was not done to her by Spike. You have to understand this. From what we can figure it happened out of her love for him, her desire to protect him from hurt. Doing the ritual wasn’t the smartest thing with a human, but with Buffy being the Slayer it was different due to her strength and stamina. Besides she is a grown woman, capable of making her own choices.” Giles retorted.
“So, once again he gets away with it and I am the one sent away.” Dawn shook her head in disbelief at the people around her.
“Dawnie, I love you and everyone else in the family but if it was Tara, you were attacking or if anyone else was, I’d do the same thing as Buffy.” Willow said.
“And I’d do the same for Anya,” Xander agreed.
“Just get out, Dawn, and until you can get over this, don’t come back,” Buffy looked up at her and watched as her sister stomped down the stairs. Then her gaze went to her children, “Come here,” she called to them. “It’s okay.”
Slowly, Raven came toward them, relieved that Buffy was going to be all right and Spike hadn’t done anything to hurt her. She sat on the other side of Spike, curling into his back with her arms around him in an attempt to help comfort him. Elijah, freed from Max sat between his parents while Buffy kept whispering words of love and comfort to her family.
Kate moved over to the family kneeling in front of Buffy, her hand coming to cup the other woman’s face. “You going to be okay?” Buffy nodded slowly. “We are going to go ahead and leave. I’m sure Max and Clem will be here if you all need anything but don’t hesitate to call me again if you want. Promise?”
“I promise, Kate. Thank you for helping to pull me out of that.” Buffy answered covering the hand on her cheek and squeezing it gently.
“That’s my job. I’m just glad that you’re going to be okay.” Kate leaned forward to kiss the younger woman’s cheek before standing.
Xander and Willow expressed their concern and gratitude that everything turned out all right before they also left. Clem wished them good night and made his way up the stairs and Max turned to leave to go back downstairs. Finally Spike looked up and spoke, “You’re really going to be all right?”
“Yes, I am going to be fine, Spike. Willow just kinda did one of her ‘get in my mind’ spells on me and got me to let go of it by telling me that it wasn’t real. I’m just sorry for scaring everyone that way. I…I just felt so guilty for so many things and I wanted to make it better.”
“Guilty?”
“For all the times I was such a rotten brat to you,” Buffy smiled softly to him.
“Brat would not be the word but it will do,” Spike leaned over to kiss her gently. “So, you don’t hate me. You really still love me?”
“Even more than before.”
Spike shifted so he could hug Raven and kiss her softly on the temple, “Let’s say we get her to bed in your room while I finish cleaning up our room. And Elijah could sleep with you tonight, too.”
“Okay,” Raven smiled up at her parents. She stood and reached her hand down to help pull Spike up. After everyone was standing they went to Raven’s room where Spike helped settle his wife and children into bed. He kissed each of them in turn after pulling the covers up around them.
“Promise you’ll come get me after our room is ready,” Buffy implored holding his hand.
“I promise, Baby,” Spike leaned down to give her a lingering kiss.
“Yuck,” Elijah crowed before diving under the covers while the others laughed at him.
After turning the light off Spike closed the door behind him. It took him only a few minutes to clean up the bedroom. The sheets and comforter would have to be thrown away so after everything else was done he carried them down the stairs.
“Everything okay?” Max asked as he watched Spike carry the bundle to the kitchen.
“Yeah, she’s fine.”
“Look, I’m sorry about what I said up there.”
Spike returned to the room with a garbage bag in his hand. “It’s okay. I understand.” He looked down at the floor. “In a way it’s good to know that you would protect her.”
“I would. Any of you.”
The only response Spike could give over his choked up throat was to nod then after finally swallowing it down, “Look, I’m going to take this out.” He lifted the bag in his hand, “then I’m going to run down to the corner store and get a pack of cigarettes.”
“I thought you quit?”
“I did. Mostly just want to get some air and clear my head. It’s been hell the last few days and…” Spike shrugged his shoulders. Everything was overwhelming him, the emotions and feelings were making him feel cornered again and he just needed to be away from everyone and everything for a few minutes.
“It’s okay. Anyone would be feeling overwhelmed in your shoes.” Max could read the vampire’s confusion and wanted him to know that it was okay for him to feel that way.
“Thanks. Watch over things while I’m gone.”
“I will.”
August 6, 2007 5:48 AM
Spike came out of the store packing his cigarettes and not really paying
attention to the things going on around him. Buffy, Faith, Dawn and everyone
else was vying for attention in his mind. As he turned the corner of the
building where his motorcycle was parked a man came to stand in front of him.
“Hey, vampire, heard you think you’re as good as a human.”
Spike tried to take a step around him knowing that to fight him would be a losing battle but that was when he noticed that there were three other men surrounding him. His eyes quickly darted around him trying to figure a way to get away but the sinking feeling in his stomach told him there probably wasn’t a way.
“Guess we’ll have to adjust you’re attitude,” one of the man snarled at him before putting a stun gun to Spike’s side.
Spike muscles began to spasm as the voltage hit him and he tried to shake his head to clear the dazed feeling but found himself unable to move. One of the other men hit him in the back of the knees with a baton forcing him to drop to the ground. A part of him was screaming on the inside as he felt several kicks to his kidneys and heard laughter around him. Spike fought to stay conscious as he was picked up and thrown in the back of a van but as he received a blow to the back of the head, his last thought before passing out was of Buffy waiting for him at home.
TBC