Chapter 10 - Final Straws

June 15, 2007 4:17 AM

Buffy woke to find herself pinned in her coffin again with the lid on top of her. Panic raced through her as she wondered if there was enough air for her to breathe. Her arms were pinned leaving her unable to lift it off of her and there was no give as she tried to squirm her way out from under the crushing weight. How could they do this to her? Bring her back only to leave her here to try to fight back to the surface. Her mind raced through ways to find a way out of it while her eyes searched the inky blackness of her tomb for a clue. Where was he? He would save her. He always did.

Then a scream shattered her aloneness startling Buffy from her own desperate state. Someone was crying out for help, pain and horror reflected in their words as they tried to fight their own living nightmare. It was definitely a she, Buffy decided, as the screams became ear splitting shrieks.

It was her job as the Slayer to help people but all she could do was lie here pinned in this grave her friends had left her in. Buffy told herself that Spike was helping this girl that was why he wasn’t there yet to get her out. He would come for her as soon as the girl was safe. She relaxed a little until she looked up into the darkness and into the yellow eyes of Spike’s demon laughing down at her. Her terrified scream echoed with those of the girl.

The girl’s next scream woke Buffy from her own nightmare as the girl called out for her mother and father to return.

Buffy shook her head to clear the images of her own dream from her mind. The cries of the frightened girl were coming through the baby monitor sitting on Spike’s desk. Reacting to the sounds of Raven’s nightmare Buffy tried to sit up only to find she was pinned under Spike’s sleeping form. He hadn’t moved since they had fallen asleep hours ago. She shoved against him trying to force him awake quickly.

“Spike, it’s Raven. She’s having a nightmare.” Buffy told him as she pushed against him.

The words penetrated through his sleep waking him with a quickness born of battle conditioned necessity. He stood quickly fastening his jeans as Buffy raced out the door pulling her robe around her. By the time she was halfway up the stairs Spike was beside her.

Buffy was first through the door of Raven’s room and hurriedly took stock of the situation. Raven was curled on the bed with her head in Elijah’s lap. Her small body was wracked by the force of her grief. One of her hands was clinging tightly to one of her brother’s hands. Elijah’s other hand stroked her hair while he whispered to her that it was all going to be okay.

“Raven?” Buffy called softly out to her as she approached the bed unsure of what to do for the girl.

Raven looked up at Buffy through her tears while her free hand suddenly rose from its resting place against her chest. The next thing Buffy knew she was flying across the room. She hit the wall with enough force to knock the wind from her before crumpling into a heap on the floor. Shaking her head Buffy tried to get her bearings as she slowly rose to her feet. When she looked around she found Raven glowering at her, anger and loathing burning brightly in her blue eyes searing its way into Buffy’s heart.

“Bitch. I hate you. Get away from me. It’s your fault. It was your kind that did this. My mother and father are dead because of you.” Raven screamed with all the pain that filled her soul. A voice inside her whispered that it wasn’t Buffy’s fault but all she could see when she looked at the Slayer were the men that had murdered her parents.

Raven rose on her knees and started to crawl down the bed toward Buffy while still clutching her brother’s hand. Her other hand slowly rose toward Buffy again when Spike realizing that she was going to attack again reached out to grab it in his own hands pulling it upwards.

“Get out, Buffy. Now.” Spike yelled at her as he wrapped his arms around Raven pulling her back down onto his lap on the bed.

Buffy scrambled toward the door knowing that it was a possibility if Raven hadn’t been stopped that she could be dead or severely injured by the girl’s wrath. Not looking back she continued to stumble to her own room not stopping until she came to sit on the side of her bed. The sound of Spike’s voice soothing Raven reached her as she wrapped her arms around herself. Rocking back and forth she tried to bring everything back into focus. The nightmare, followed by Raven’s own dream, then the girl using magical powers on her was going to take a little while to shake off. Her hands moved to cover her face as she refused to give into any more tears.

“You okay?” Elijah whispered suddenly appearing in front of Buffy. He put his small hands on her knees as he looked at her in concern.

Buffy pulled her hands away from her face startled at his presence, not having heard him walk in, then in an effort to reassure him that she was all right, she ran her fingers softly down his cheek.

“Yeah, I’m all right.”

“She didn’t mean it. She’s upset.” Elijah said defending his sister.

“I know, baby. It’s okay.”

Buffy picked him up so she could settle him on her lap in an effort to comfort them both. There were things she wanted to know about Raven and him. Their powers were something that the adults hadn’t discussed that night.

“How strong are your sister’s powers?” Buffy asked as she cuddled him next to her.

“She doesn’t have any. Borrowed mine.”

“What do you mean she doesn’t have any?”

“No. She like Poppie. No power. I have magic like Mommy. But sissie can use if she touches me.”

Eli’s hand ran up and down Buffy’s arm ruffling the terry cloth of her robe.

“What can you do magically?”

He raised his small hand and as he told her marked them off on his fingers.

“I can move things, see things befowe they happen and I know when people hurt.” He told her reciting his list. He looked up at her solemnly. “Did Spike hurt you?”

“Spike hurt me? Why would you even ask?”

“He bit you.”

“Oh.” Buffy said in surprise. It was disconcerting that he could know things so personal making a mental note to talk to Willow on how to block this particular thing. “No, he didn’t hurt me. We were playing and he startled me, that’s all.”

She looked up as Spike walked back into the room.

“Is Raven okay?” Buffy asked in concern. She was trying to honestly care for Raven even if she was trying to pin everything wrong in her life on Buffy.

“Yeah, she’s calmer. She wants Elijah to come sleep with her though.” Spike smiled down at the boy and held his hand out for him.

Elijah slid off Buffy’s lap then once he was standing turned to face her. He held her cheeks in his hands as he leaned forward to kiss her.

“Good night, Buffy.”

“Night, sweetie.” She hugged him to her relishing the sturdy feel of his little boy body.

After they left the room Buffy grabbed some pajamas and underwear before heading for the bathroom. She needed to clean herself up before putting anything clean on. After wetting a washcloth she wiped the dried blood from the inside of her thigh with a grimace. Her fingertips traced the bruising around the puncture wounds noting a tear in her flesh from where Spike had dug his fangs into her. It looked like he had wanted to literally take a bite from her body. Once the wound was cleaned and antibiotic lotion applied she slipped into her pajamas.

On her way back to the bedroom she threw her robe and lingerie in the dirty clothes reminding herself to find her panties in the study before one of the kids did. That was one explanation she did not want to make.

She could hear Spike talking softly to the children in Raven’s room as she returned to the master bedroom. Glancing quickly around the room she debated between trying to get some more sleep, reading or watching some television.

When she spotted Spike’s cigarettes on the dresser, Buffy made her way towards them before she changed her mind. Deciding the harsh taste of nicotine was what she needed to clear the nightmares from her mind she headed for the windows so the smoke wouldn’t linger in the air. The images of being in the coffin again were intermingled with those visions created by her imagination of Raven’s parents being murdered. Throw in the terror she had dreaming of Spike wanting to drain her, Buffy’s nerves were shot as a shudder ran through her small frame as she pulled the window open.

The warm night air danced across her face as she knelt before the window resting her forearms on the sill. She shook a cigarette out nestling it between her lips so she could light it. The flame of the lighter glowed in the night as it hissed against the end of the cigarette. Buffy inhaled quickly to keep it lit before letting the lighter drop onto the window sill beside her. The smoke curled down into her lungs for the first time in years making her cough in reaction to its unfamiliar burn. Although after only a few inhales the once recognizable invasion into her lungs was a welcome one.

Buffy knew the moment he stepped back into the room not needing the sound of his footsteps to confirm it. Every nerve ending, every instinct she had, came alive as he came closer to her. It was almost like her body was created to be molded, connected, to his. Buffy waited until he came to her enjoying the feel of her nerves jumping toward him.

Spike padded across the room as if he had no choice but to be drawn to this human that was his. His eyes opened in surprise at seeing the cigarette resting comfortable between her fingers. She was his fallen angel pushed almost beyond what she could comfortably handle. The proverbial tugging feel of responsibility to hold her together invaded his being. Since he had returned from escorting Drusilla to Europe, Buffy had been his to take care of, to keep her sane and whole in this world that refused to let her go. It seemed that taking care of someone had always been his role in this world. It had started with his mum, and then moved to Drusilla, to Buffy and now there were two children looking to him. He wondered briefly if any of them had actually wanted him around or if it was just what he could do for them.

His hand came out to caress her hair letting it linger for a moment across his fingers. The golden softness was a source of some of his more erotic dreams. It was a curtain around them as she rode him, tickling across his flesh as she moved over him. For him she had let it grow until it now floated around her hips when she walked.

Buffy never turned around as he stood there enjoying the feel of almost being connected to him by the charged air around them. Disappointment drifted though her languidly as he broke from the enchantment surrounding them and came to sit beside her with his back against the wall and his legs stretched out in front of him. He reached for the pack of cigarettes and brought one to his mouth after shaking it loose from the others. As he looked around for the lighter green eyes connected with blue ones with all the force of two universes colliding. The shock they both felt at the meeting reminded them of the sheer power that existed between them. As partners they were almost undefeatable as they fought the forces of evil, as lovers they burned more fiery passion than any other pair in history but ironically the only thing they had yet to fully conquer was their friendship.

Not breaking eye contact Buffy brought the lighter slowly up to his cigarette, his hands meeting her to cover hers as she lit it for him. The flame illuminated the angular planes of his features, showed the sharp contract of his black eyelashes against the alabaster of his skin, the twist of his lips as he inhaled the smoke. Her heart swelled with pride with the knowledge that he was hers. As the first sweet rush of nicotine filled him, he turned to look back up at her. Her emotions were evident as she stared unabashedly at him making his body respond to her. Spike wanted to take her as he had wanted to take her earlier with raw, painful, all consuming sex that would leave them bleeding. But it couldn’t be for them. While she had gone to see Sara, her therapist, it had been decided to keep pain from the bedroom so Buffy wouldn’t escape into it. In order to keep her recovering from her depression he had suppressed a lot of his own needs.

He sighed leaning his head back against the wall before closing his eyes. Her arousal came to him sweetly enticing him from his thoughts of the games he wanted to play. His eyes searched for her only to find her leaning out the window again seductively making love to the cigarette. Her lips teased it as she sucked it’s essence from it. The white cylinder responded by hissing out it’s enjoyment as it gave up the fight to her slowly letting itself die as it’s cherry rushed toward her in its effort to please her.

Desire raced through Spike as he observed the erotic scene. Her eyes were closed as the night air danced around her making her hair play along to its eternal tune. A rush of love so strong, so needful, coursed through him that he had no choice but to move toward her so that he could touch the perfection that was Buffy.

As he turned toward her his eyes saw the beginning of morning flickering on the horizon over the cemetery and knew that their brief moment of peaceful truce was almost over. Whether in love or hate or need or anger rarely was there peace between them or in their lives. And now this brief respite was almost gone too.

“Do you want to take a shower with me?” she whispered softly to him not turning to face him as she asked.

A smile floated across her lips as she ground her hapless substitute lover against the side of the house. Spike laughed at her seemingly innocent invitation knowing that within a few minutes he would once again be partaking in the wonders of her body.

“Yeah.” He told her as he flicked his cigarette out into the yard then reached for her hand.

June 15, 2007 6:45 AM

After their shower Spike had only put on a pair of jeans and socks then went to lie on their bed to watch her get ready for the day. She moved back and forth across the room as she pulled on clothes. Today she had chosen to wear blue cotton bikinis and a matching bra, a long sleeve denim shirt and a pair of faded jeans. Her feet were still bare as the pink polish on her toes winked in the light as she moved. With brusque motions she began to apply a minimum amount of make up. He smiled contentedly as he reflected on how much he loved this part of the day, watching her go from the soft kitten that shared his bed to a woman capable of taking down hell gods. At the last stroke of her lipstick she turned to him.

“Braid my hair?” She asked almost shyly. His hands moving through her hair always made her feel erotically closer to him. Their time in the shower had done little to satiate either of them. Only made them crave each other more as he had held her against the slick walls with her legs wrapped around his waist while he took her.

A predatory smile crossed his lips as he moved to stand behind her. His hand took the brush from her as he tamed the tangles. Hands capable quickly moved the mass of her hair into a practical braid that would hang almost all the way down her back.

As he finished wrapping the band around the end to hold it together, Spike put his arms around her waist with his head resting on her shoulder. He smiled as he looked at Buffy in the mirror. There were indentations along her body that showed where his arms were but in the reflection there was only her. Moving so that his hands were spread along her belly he slowly brought them up to cover her breasts. They rested comfortably in the cup of his hands as he squeezed them softly watching the indentations into her body in the mirror. His mind began to fantasize that they were larger overflowing around his hands. Their weight was heavier as they rested on top of his palms. Spike let them go as his hands traced the indentation of her waist down to her hips. Spike outlined the curves with his hands moving around to hold her bottom wondering what they would feel like if they were fuller and rounder. If there was more to hold onto as he thrust into her sweet flesh.

An arm came around his neck as Buffy arched back into him. In response to her call his arms snaked around her waist again pulling her further back against his hardening sex. His fingers went to caress her through her jeans while he began to nuzzle the neck so open to him. The blood that rushed through it called to him telling him to take what he wanted. With still unchanged teeth he scraped along her flesh causing a moan to vibrate from the very neck that he was suckling. With a self satisfied grin he looked up so that he could see the lust that he brought to her face only to find himself looking into the face of the woman’s body that he was fantasizing about. Donna.

It had been Donna that he had been thinking about as he traced the body that was in his arms. Then as horror swept through him at what he had done he once again saw Buffy in the mirror. Thankful for once that he had no reflection so that she wouldn’t see his guilt he released her with a soft kiss to her neck.

“Later, I have to go start breakfast for the kids.” Buffy giggled at his amorous touches. When he released her she turned to kiss him quickly before walking away.

He watched the sway of her hips as she moved away from him. Swallowing away the guilt he felt he went to look for his cigarettes needing a moment of privacy before facing his betrayal. He loved Buffy, had loved her for almost ten years, and had lived with her for five; his whole life consumed by her for what seemed forever, how he could even think of someone else was beyond him. They had just finished making love not even an hour ago.

His eyes closed as his head tilted and his shoulders rolled as he came to terms of what had been simmering for the past twenty-four hours, hell had been simmering for five years, and then had been brought to a rolling boil since he had seen her again. He wanted Donna, had wanted her since he had first seen her staring at him on the airplane. The open longing that she had for him only made the wanting more intense. He wouldn’t need to beg for her attention or her body. They would be freely given to him. As he had five years ago he pushed his feelings away because it could never be. It was a fact he would have to face because of Buffy. His life was here with Buffy, the children, the Scoobies and the house. He had become as normal as any human.

With a shock he realized that he had truly become what he had never wanted to be. It had slowly snuck up on him as he had become a part of them, as he lived each day as more human than vampire. The demon took over him as the knowledge swept through him. The urge to destroy something raged through him without a way of releasing it. The need to find what he desired licked at his body. A wish to run consumed him as he forced himself to shake his human features back into place and the demon to be repressed.

This was his life now by choice. Regardless of some of the uncontrollable circumstances that brought him to this new place, it was his nonetheless. Not knowing what else to do except live it, Spike moved to go downstairs to join Buffy.

TBC

Chapter 11 - Ties That Bind

June 15, 2007 8:12 AM

The morning scene being played out in front of Raven almost made her feel like she was back home. The tantalizing smell of bacon frying and coffee brewing made her stomach growl in response. The radio on the counter announced the local news by a peppy DJ. It was only the room itself and the woman bustling about that was different. But no matter how many times Raven looked it would never be the same woman again. Mommy was never going to come back no matter how much she wished for it.

Raven leaned against the doorframe and slowly ran her bare toes back and forth on the cold tile while she tried to figure out how to apologize to Buffy. Last night when she had woken from her nightmare that was actually more of a memory of when her parents had died, all she had wanted was for someone else to hurt as much as she was. But in this house there were only two people who wanted to help her and Elijah and no one to blame for their circumstances. The only thing she could find to attach her anger too was the Slayer, the one chosen to fight demons. Emotionally it didn’t seem to matter that her mother wasn’t really a demon but rather a supernatural being.

After she had calmed down last night, comforted by the strength in Spike's arms, she had been mortified by what she had done. Her parents would have been disappointed that she had used Lankasha magic in a dark way. Raven had always been taught that magic was to be used only for the side of good. Her mother was always so gentle and caring and their world insulated that there wasn’t a need for the dark magic.

It was only after everything she had known had been taken from her that Raven learned that the world was a cold and cruel place. If it hadn't been for her love and sense of responsibility for Elijah she would wish to be able to join her parents in the haven beyond this realm.

Raven sighed as she looked up from her feet to stare at Buffy who was pointedly ignoring her. Buffy had to have known that she was there but was refusing to be the first to say anything. Couldn't Buffy see how much she was hurting? Why couldn’t Buffy come to her? Misplaced anger slowly started to take hold as Raven contemplated that it seemed like only Spike understood their pain. Raven didn’t see any reason for Buffy to have any problems or be unhappy. She was beautiful, had lots of friends, lived in this huge house and had a gorgeous boyfriend. What more could she possibly want?

“Would you like to sit down and talk?” Buffy asked Raven over her shoulder as she started to pour two cups of coffee.

Surprised at Buffy’s gesture but not wanting to appear eager Raven nonchalantly shrugged her shoulders and headed for the table. Neither spoke as they sat across from each other and added sugar and cream into their beverages.

When Raven couldn’t put it off anymore she slowly lifted her mug toward her lips and from behind the rim she muttered, “I’msorrythatIusedmagiconyoulastnight.Iwon’tdoitagain.” Then she quickly took a drink to hide her flushed face.

A smile crossed Buffy’s face at Raven’s apology but not wanting to hurt the girl she hid behind the premise of taking a drink of her own coffee until she could answer with a straight face.

“I understand that it was in response to your dream but I can’t tolerate magic in this house to be used against anyone else.” Buffy tried to be firm to the teen but still showed that she cared in the tone she used. “Just as I wouldn’t allow any physical force to be used either.”

Buffy waited until Raven at least acknowledged her words with a nod before proceeding.

“Elijah said that you don’t have any powers of your own but that you can borrow his. How does that work?”

“Yeah, I got everything from my mom’s fairy background including the eyes but no power. Elijah looks just like Poppie but he gets all the magic.” Raven whined a little at something she had been protesting since Elijah had first levitated his bottle toward him when he was only nine months.

“But how can you use his magic?” Buffy asked again.

“I just have to touch him. It’s the blood relation thing and the force of the emotion. If I’m calm and stuff, it usually won’t work. But like last night when I’m all pissed or something then I can channel it. When he’s older and has more control over it then he could stop me from doing it.”

“How much control does he have? I mean is it possible if he’s upset or hurt then could he do some damage to someone or something?” Buffy knew that she would probably have to go to Willow and Tara to fully understand but wanted what information she could get from Raven.

“Mom had him meditating and doing focusing exercises to start giving him control. He’s never hurt anyone yet but, yeah, I think if he was really frightened he could do what I did last night. Most of his talent is in his empathy abilities. Like knowing when people are hurt and stuff.”

“Can he help people who are hurt or just know they are?” Buffy’s curiosity was growing about the young child she had in her house.

“Naw, he can’t heal. I mean like the laying on of hands and stuff but he sure can tell you some things about yourself that you didn’t even know.” Raven laughed a little at her brother’s unique way of announcing some embarrassing things when you least expected it.

Buffy flushed a little as she remembered Elijah’s knowledge that Spike had bitten her and wondered what else he could pick up on. She stood as she heard the two males of the house moving around upstairs. It was time to finish making breakfast. As she moved to the refrigerator she looked back at Raven still sitting at the table.

“Are we clear on the no using of magic against anyone?”

“I guess.” Raven rolled her eyes.

After putting the eggs on the counter Buffy turned to go back over to the table. Raven stared suspiciously at her as Buffy sat across from her again.

“Forgot to do the lecture?”

“Raven, I just want to make sure we are clear on this. If you use magic against anyone I will have Willow bind you from using any magic. Okay?” Buffy made sure that she was looking into the girl’s eyes as she told her of the consequences if she chose to do it again.

Raven eyes flew open at her words because Spike hadn’t said anything like that last night when he had told her she had to apology first thing this morning.

“Spike didn’t say anything like that.” Raven said defiantly hoping that this would make Buffy retract her statement.

“Raven, if you are going to be living here then you are going to have to learn to listen to me instead of constantly threatening to run to Spike every time I tell you something you don’t like.”

“And if I hit someone, are you going to have my hands cut off?” Raven retorted feeling uncomfortable as Buffy became more authoritative with her. Why did she have to keep hammering it in? She already knew she shouldn’t have used magic like that and apologized for it. What else was she supposed to do?

“No. That would be a little extreme.” Buffy answered her with a smile. “Magic is a little different and is harder to fight when you don’t have any access to it.”

“Okay. I get the message. Anything else?” Raven stood sending her chair sliding back across the floor.

Buffy sighed as she stood to face the girl. A few minutes ago it seemed that the two were connecting a little, now it seemed they were back to square one with Raven being angry with her. With a sinking feeling Buffy realized that it would probably be a relationship of one step forward and two steps back for a while anyway. She decided to let Raven’s attitude go this time knowing that if she said anything else it would lead to an ugly scene and as long as the girl realized that they wouldn’t tolerate her using magic to hurt people that was the important thing.

“Breakfast will be ready in about ten minutes. Will you go up and tell Spike and your brother?”

“Sure. What ever you want.” Raven threw out sarcastically as she stomped toward the hall.

“Thank you, Raven.” Buffy called out to the girl’s back wondering if she would ever reach her but knowing she wouldn’t be satisfied until she did.

June 15, 2007 11:24 AM

“I get it. I get it.” Elijah screamed as he took off running toward the front of the house. Spike scooped him up as the boy ran pass him in the hall then carried him in a football hold toward the entrance hall. Buffy and Raven followed them so they could peek over Spike’s shoulders as he opened the front door.

“Hi, well, I guess this is the whole family, huh?” The woman standing on the front porch smiled broadly as she took in everyone with one sweeping assessment. “I’m Morgana. And I guess this would be Elijah.” Her hand briefly touched the boy’s cheek. Then she looked over Spike’s shoulder to Raven. “You must be Raven. And you must be Buffy.” She reached a hand out to shake Buffy’s hand then turned her smile to Spike. “And finally this must be Spike.”

Morgana reached a hand out to shake Spike’s hand but since he still held Elijah she let it drop to her side.

“Come in, please.” Buffy said gesturing everybody back so the woman could enter.

Morgana stepped into the house giving it the same assessing look she had given to their family.

“You have a beautiful home.” She turned to look back at the couple she had come to help.

Spike put Elijah back on his feet while he watched this woman that Donna had sent to them. Her hair was definitely the first thing you noticed about her. It was bright carrot red that hung just below her shoulders in a perfectly coiffed ringlets. Her petite body was clothed in a white power suit with a short skirt. She was almost as tall as he was in her 3-inch heels. Spike cocked an eyebrow at the potential fireball in front of him wondering if she was any good at what she did. Then she turned to him sweeping him over with a flash of her hazel eyes. When they moved back up to meet his blue ones he could see the calculating intelligence in them and knew that her looks were a tool to her. A way to throw her opponents off and he relaxed in this knowledge.

“Raven, will you watch Elijah while we talk to Morgana?” Spike asked the girl putting a hand on her shoulder trying to keep contact with her as much as possible. So she wouldn’t feel like she was alone. He remembered when he was first chipped if someone would have just touched him it would have made feel more connected to something. As bad as it seemed now losing the feel of his victims against him had left him feeling more alone.

After Raven had taken Elijah into the living room, Spike and Buffy led Morgana into his study so they could talk privately. Spike was leading the way into the room when he looked over his shoulder at Buffy with a smirk on his face then quickly kicked something under the couch.

Buffy realized with horror that it was her panties from last night. They had been completely forgotten as the morning had been filled with other things.

“Ummm, would you like a cup of coffee or tea?” Buffy asked refusing to look at Spike who was now sprawled out in his chair. If she looked at him even for a moment she was afraid that she would break down into a fit of giggles.

“I’m fine. Already reached my quota for the day but thank you.”

Morgana sat on the couch near Spike’s chair while Buffy took a seat next to her. Her briefcase was put on the table and opened. Then she sat back looking at one then the other.

“So, you two are ready to get married and adopt those children?” She asked them ready to gauge their sincerity.

“Yes.” Buffy and Spike said simultaneously and exchanged a quick smile at their agreement.

Morgana watched the couple in their brief moment of intimacy and felt satisfied that everything would work out. She relaxed as she began to discuss what they would need to do to make their decision a reality. Over the next hour they went over the legalities of what they would need to do. The paperwork that would have to be filled out and the documents they would need to take with them. They were to meet in the judge’s chambers in one week. They would be married first then the adoption would go through.

All the paperwork would be put into the system without going through the usual route but would be entered by a Guardian that worked in the court system. It would all be legal; it just wouldn’t pass through several hands on the way and wouldn’t end up in Legal Notices in the newspaper.

After all that was settled, Morgana asked if they had any further questions.

“I do. I guess I need a will or something, so the children and Buffy are taken care of if something happens to me.” Spike ventured as he leaned forward, resting his forearms on his legs. Making a will so Buffy would be protected was something that Giles had brought up when he had given the vampire the lecture on growing up. It was just one of those things that Buffy and he hadn’t gotten around to discussing yet.

Buffy stared in amazement at him. Not once in all the time they had been together had he ever showed any sign of wanting to make sure she was taken care of. Once the books had started to sell the money had followed but other then the one bank account she was on, the rest of it had remained in his name. The house was only in his name also and if something had happened to him, she would have been homeless and without anything to live on.

Once again it seemed like all it took was for Donna to show up and he was eager to do the ‘right thing’. It should be Buffy that gave him this nudge to being responsible or giving not some woman he barely knew. Her anger started to build as he sat there and discussed wills and trust funds with Morgana while her mind went through a hundred different scenarios of Spike with Donna.

His eyes flickered over to her as he noticed her settling back against the couch with arms and legs crossed. Her foot slowly swung back and forth as she glared at him. He wondered briefly what he had done wrong this time before turning his attention back to Morgana.

“Buffy, do you have a will?” Morgana asked breaking through Buffy’s murderous thoughts.

“No, I don’t have any…” Buffy started to answer hesitantly because it suddenly seemed embarrassing that she had no purpose in life except to be the Slayer and Spike’s girlfriend.

“I support her so she can concentrate on Slaying. And now the children.” Spike answered for her.

“Well, she is going to need one. If something happens to both of you then the children will still need to be provided for. I’ll have a basic one drawn up and then we’ll meet to have everything signed. Okay?” Morgana looked from one to the other catching their responses of approval before she rose.

“Thanks for all your help. We’ll see you next Friday.” Buffy told her as she started to lead the way toward the front door.

“No problem. These kinds of things are a joy to handle.” Morgana responded as she turned to shake their hands again. Then, after a reminder to call her if they needed anything or had any questions, she left.

“Buffy, what’s wrong?” Spike asked as soon as the door closed behind their lawyer. Although no one else would probably notice, he knew that Buffy was upset about something, just as he knew that he was the one who had upset her.

Buffy turned to look at him slowly unsure of how to proceed. Everything had been going smooth between them since last night and she didn’t want to fight. But she also knew that until she knew what was going on with him she wouldn’t be able to let it go.

“Why didn’t you ever make a will so that I would be protected?” She moved toward him putting her hand on his waist hoping that he wouldn’t become angry again or the demon wouldn’t emerge.

Spike looked down at her noting the unease and insecurity in her eyes. Unbidden his hand came out to cup her face running his thumb gently across her cheek in an effort to comfort her. She leaned into his hand like a kitten seeking the warmth of its mother. Her eyes closed as she tried to prolong the protective feeling she was receiving from him.

As he tried to formulate the words so that she would understand an ear piercing shriek resounded through the upstairs hall.

“Elijah, I told you to stay out of my stuff. Get out of here.” Raven shrieked as something either hit a wall or a floor.

Then footsteps pounded down the hall and Elijah started down the stairs running. He didn’t even slow down as he passed Buffy and Spike with something still clutched in his hand. A door slammed from the upstairs jarring the pictures on the walls.

Buffy rolled her eyes at Spike as they both realized that things were never going to be the same between them and in their home again.

“I’ll take Raven. You find Eli.” Spike said as he turned toward the stairs.

Buffy nodded and started off after Elijah.

“We talk tonight, Spike.” Buffy called out over her shoulder as she rounded the corner into the living room.

TBC

Chapter 12 - Be Careful What You Wish For

June 15, 2007 11:20 PM

The night air was cool as it blew around him. Although he didn’t need the oxygen Spike inhaled deeply filling his lungs with the sweet scent of flowers Buffy had planted in the garden. He glanced around at the tranquil beauty that surrounded him in their backyard then at the cemetery that started right beyond the wall that encircled their house. Even the marble tombstones with the moonlight shining on them had an air of serenity to it. If only he could dive into it to calm the turmoil in his heart then he might be able to accept the life he was now living.

With a heavy sigh he sat on the back steps and shook a cigarette from the pack in his hand. After lighting it he let his mind drift back over the past five years with Buffy. When she had returned he had been so afraid of her leaving again that he showered her with all the love in his heart. They had never talked over what had brought them together again and the time before when they had first lived together (including those tumultuous months apart), had all been swept away under a rug, and they existed in an idyllic fog of love.

It had been so much fun. The two of them had spent their days fixing up the house, the evenings patrolling and their nights making love. Sometimes it wasn’t in that order but never much more than that. Everything to them was foreplay, he thought with a laugh, even their arguing. It had been a life of no responsibilities: nothing heavier to deal with than the next demon, vampire or hell god that wanted to take over the world and they could handle that together.

It wasn’t until everyone around them had grown up or taken a chance on expanding their personal lives that things had gotten rough for them. Spike had sensed the yearnings that started to develop in Buffy as they watched their friends get married and have families. And it scared him. Because he didn’t want that much to tie him down. If he could choose he would do nothing but continue to live with Buffy forever the way they were.

His one distraction from them - his writing - had brought him and Buffy the income that could provide them with what they wanted. If not for her being the Slayer and their duties to fight evil, he would have taken her away to show her the world if only to see the joy of watching her face as she saw and did things that she had only heard or dreamed about.

The being rooted in one place was also something that itched. Ever since he had been turned he had never stayed in one place as long he had in Sunnydale. But he had remained for her. His love for her was wild and passionate and all consuming of everything that he was and it’s intensity chained him to her side.

Their time apart had taught him that he could stand on his own. He was someone separate from her and didn’t need a love to complete him. But once she came back it had flickered at him again and he let it burn him. Let it burn them. She had never gone back to work only doing the classes at Tara’s every once in a while. There were a few classes at the university she had attended but there was never a serious attempt at completing her education and it was something that had never bothered him. Actually, it had been something that he had eaten up, having her dependent on him. Now, it chafed.

It all chafed since she had asked him to try to have a baby with her. Their worlds had changed. Buffy especially had changed. There was now an insecurity to her that hadn’t been there before. Every month that she hadn’t been pregnant she had clung to him a little more emotionally. Buffy wasn’t as sure about little decisions like she used to be and she ran to him for things that she hadn’t done in years. The carefree woman he had been living with for the past five years had slowly disappeared and the depression slowly beckoned at her again.

And where it once was a responsibility he accepted gratefully now it was like a weight around him. Once he was willing to be her slave and now he wanted only freedom. The house that had been his haven was now his prison. This human guise was who he thought he could be but now it felt like nothing more than a masquerade ball for his demon side.

All day he had been watching her. Their smiles were almost uncomfortable when their eyes met as they wondered what was on the other’s mind. He still loved her. He knew this as surely as he knew that he would never stand in the sun’s embrace again. No one would ever possess his heart like Buffy did. Nor did he want anyone else too.

Then an image drifted through his mind of Donna. The one who made him long for things he couldn’t have. Donna’s smile was open to him. Her eyes lit up when she looked at him. Like he was a present that she thought she would never have. Buffy hadn’t looked at him like that in the beginning. It had been a fight from the start for her to love him and even now he wasn’t sure that she fully loved him. There was something that he couldn’t put his finger on that stood between them. It was easiest for him to dismiss it by blaming it on her by saying that her heart still longed for Angel. But in all honesty Spike knew that she would never go back to Angel.

Because Buffy would never leave Spike. Every other man had let her down and he had earned her loyalty by staying. He didn’t think she would survive if he left. Her heart would be shattered like fine crystal into tiny shards. It wasn’t entirely his ego that told him this but her past. It was the men that had left her alone and returning from the dead. It was the falling to the bottom of the well and climbing back out slowly by the sheer strength of her fingernails in the walls surrounding her. Another devastating blow and she would probably lose the will to even try.

Spike ground his cigarette against the step glancing up when her scent came to him on the air. She was still a distance away but coming this way. A smile crossed his mouth as he waited for her to appear. He noted the way a chill crept over his skin as he anticipated seeing her.

Then there she was. Her footsteps were light and springy. It must have a good night. He inhaled deeply of the distinctive odor of her musk. Yes, it was a good night. She had fought well and her body had responded to the kill. He knew without seeing her that she would be coated with a fine mist of sweat and he longed to cover her body with his and lose himself in the vicarious thrill of her violence.

When Buffy saw him waiting she quickened her footsteps to hasten their reunion. Her smile was open as she came to stand in front of him. His hands came to tug on hers until she was kneeling on the step between his legs. They hesitated a moment as they gazed into each other’s eyes. Her face was cradled between his hands then bowed forward as he reached around to free her hair from its restraints. It flowed around them as he spread it out over her shoulders before coming to hold her face again to draw her toward him.

Their lips met tentatively almost like it was a first kiss. He could taste her willingness to please, her fear, and her love in the soft touch of her mouth. It wound around him and he knew he had to make a decision as to what he wanted. Her tongue requested more from his mouth as it lapped at his lips and he opened for her. A moan rumbled in his throat as she eagerly wrapped her tongue around his. He could almost feel the smile of womanly fulfillment on her lips.

Buffy smiled up at him as she pulled back. Then a frown took its place as she saw the distant sadness in his eyes.

“Am I losing you?” Her words were soft as they coated him in guilt. Buffy could think of no other reason for his behavior of late, the sometimes almost cruel treatment of her and the emergence of his demon, except that he no longer wanted to be with her.

Spike’s head tilted as he looked down at the woman he had promised to love forever. The one he had promised to stand beside no matter what. And if he didn’t change things then next week he would, in the laws of humans, vow these things forever. Human. It left a sour taste in his mouth as he remembered the pussy of a man that he had been. That he was afraid of becoming again. Even for her it wasn’t worth it.

“Spike, please talk to me. I need to know what you are thinking because I am so confused.”

Buffy rose on her knees and leaned her forehead against his. Her fingers gently kneaded his shoulders as she prayed for his love to continue. That he would leave her one day was something she had never contemplated.

His hands came to cradle her face as he created distance between them again. His eyes searched hers looking for answers in their emerald warmth.

Maybe he should have left five years ago. Left her with Richard who wouldn’t mind the life she wanted. Who could mow the grass in the afternoon sun, who could give her children, who would know he was supposed to make a will to protect her without being told.

One phone call and he could go. He would be in the adrenaline rush of daily fighting, the world would be his to travel again and a woman by his side who had wanted him as he was from first sight. It seemed so easy. Easier than staying here. Easier than dealing with the day to day grind of who he had become.

But that phone call would destroy the woman in front of him. She would try to survive. Be strong because that was who she was but she would grow careless and in that she would lose the fight one night and never come home.

Her fate would be his responsibility though. Her unfortunate demise his burden to carry. As he held her face in his hand he knew that he could destroy her with one twist of his hands. Then it would be quick and she would know only one moment of betrayal rather than living it with over days and months until it was her destruction.

A tear slowly wound its way down his cheek as he pulled her against him. His arms wrapped protectively around her body knowing he could never willingly let harm come to her.

“Me too, Buffy, me too,” he whispered into her ear as she came to sit with her arms wrapped around his waist but still protected with his body surrounding her.

“Let me help,” she implored of him to give her a chance.

His cheek came to rest against the top of her head.

“Too much.”

“What is?”

“Our lives.”

It seemed they were back to an almost monosyllabic conversation but it was better than the cold sarcasm of the last few weeks.

“Then why the children? If it was too much then why say yes.”

“Told you. It’s like seeing a reflection that I hadn’t seen in quite a while. The fascination too much to let them go.”

Her fingers drifted across his arm.

“Was it for her?”

“Some.”

“Do you want her?”

Her voice held all the insecurities that her soul could contain.

“The freedom.”

Buffy stiffened in his arms as those two simple words hung heavy like an anvil between them. It hovered in the air while it waited for the signal to fall and destroy whatever was below it.

“Am I holding you back?”

The first tear came as fear curled itself in her belly.

“I promised to stay.”

The anvil fell onto Buffy’s dreams effectively destroying them. He held her tighter as he felt the first shudder take her body.

“Do you want to go?”

Buffy pulled herself together. It wasn’t the time to fall apart now. Later if needed.

“Yes.”

He whispered into her hair as his fingers dug into her sides. The word had come so easily to her question that it scared him. The demon, the man that he used to be and the being he was now all screamed for him to run before he was caged completely and forever by his love for her.

“Then go, Spike.”

Her words carried a relief to them. As if it would be an end to the pain that they were causing each other if he left.

“Buffy. Do you want me to go?”

Something inside of him begged for her to ask him to stay. If she pleaded then he would stay. He could never refuse her what she wanted. It was that flaw that had gotten them to this place where reality was too much.

“No. I don’t want you to go. But I will never beg anyone else to stay with me.”

Buffy pulled herself from his arms to stand facing the cemetery refusing to look into the heartbreak of his eyes. A warm wind came gusting around the corner of the house and she turned her face into its rampage. It dried the traces of tears still on her cheeks and she released her heart to its wayward flight. In that moment something changed within her. The innocent belief that their love would last forever was gone but she wasn’t ready to give up on them either.

It was time to fight for what she wanted. He had done it once for her. She still wasn’t sure what was going on with him but she knew that they could handle it together. But first he had to be willing to fight for them. And if it was freedom that he wanted then freedom he would get.

The sounds of his sobs reached her and she turned to go to him. She came to sit beside him on the steps pulling on him until he was half lying across her lap. Her fingers ran through his hair as she cooed soft words of comfort to him. Then when he was ready she pushed him up again. This time his face was cradled in her hands.

“Go, Spike. Figure out what you want. You have a week to give me a decision. I wish I could give you longer but that’s when we are supposed to make everything legal.”

“But the house and the children?”

It had never occurred to him that she would tell him to go. That she could be this strong. It was like a huge chasm had opened up in front of him and he was on the brink of falling in.

“I’ll handle whatever comes up. But you need to decide about those two kids who already love you. If you are going to be with her instead then you need to decide if they are going with the two of you or what. If not then maybe Xander and Anya will take them. I don’t think they will give them to me by myself.”

“Do you not love me?”

Buffy smiled at his question as already he was coming to face what he thought he wanted.

“Always. But I don’t want you with me unless you want to be. Remember a week.”

She stood leaving him alone with his choice as she made her way into the house. A quick walk through the house to make sure everything was secure before she made her way upstairs. It took everything she had to stay calm as she checked in on Raven and Eli. Light touches on their cheeks after she had pulled their covers around them then she turned to go to her room.

Without thinking she reached for the t-shirt Spike had worn the previous day out of the laundry basket. She inhaled his scent as she pulled it over her head. Bed beckoned to her as a safe haven as she curled up holding his pillow against her.

“It’s going to be all right.” She whispered to herself as she stared out the window waiting to hear if he would come into the house.

Finally after a long time she heard the back door shut then followed the sound of his footsteps as they came up the stairs. Buffy closed her eyes as he came into their room then watched him from under her lashes as he went to the closet and pulled his clothes off.

As his footsteps came closer to her she closed her eyes again then she felt his hand on her shoulder. Her eyes opened to see him squatting next to her. His eyes sought hers out in the near darkness.

“Buffy, can I still sleep in our bed?”

“Yes.”

He stood to walk around the bed to slip in on the other side. Buffy put his pillow back onto his side of the bed before he got there then she slid to the other side away from him.

The bed gave under his weight as he settled onto his side. Then as she finally drifted into sleep she felt the barest touch of his fingertips against her back.

TBC

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