Chapter 8 - Nights In White Satin

One of them must have slipped coming up the ladder. There was a muffled ouch followed by a shush and then giggles. I propped myself up on my hand and waited until they were almost to the door.

"Do you two always crawl out of a gent’s bed and sneak away at dawn?"

The look on their faces was priceless. A blush started to stain Tara’s cheek and Willow’s mouth opened and closed a few times. Then both their eyes widened as they saw that the sheet was barely covering me. I knew it wasn’t because I turned them on it was just because they had never seen me in such a state of undress. Especially with Buffy lying next to me. Not being able to help myself I chuckled at their discomfiture.

"Spike, we didn’t know you were awake." Willow told me as she looked over my head.

"We’re sorry. We... we didn’t want to disturb you." Tara offered in a way of covering up their nonexistent rudeness.

"Sorry, just wanted to tease you a bit." They both looked really uncomfortable and I wanted to give them an out.

"Besides I think it would be my bed they would be crawling out of instead of yours." Buffy sat up behind me clutching the sheet to her. She moved her tousled hair out of her face and smiled at her friends. Willow and Tara stayed put but kept glancing toward the door and each other.

"Wait just a minute." Buffy told her friends then dove under the covers coming out dressed in her pajamas again. She slid out the other side leaving me the dignity of staying covered.

"I’m going to walk them out, okay?" Bending down she kissed me on the cheek. Then turned to leave with the girls.

When they were gone I grabbed the blankets and headed to the lower level. As the blankets were tossed into the pile of dirty laundry my clothes from last night fell onto the floor. The clothes she had bought me so I could take her to have fun. I walked over and picked them up. Running my hands over the cool silk and leather. They had meant so much to me at the time. A promise of a first date with Buffy. And the hope and expectations had been so efficiently destroyed by Angel and Xander. Reaching up I wiped tears from my cheeks. For the first time in forever things had been going the way I wanted and now it was gone. I turned and threw them in the trash basket in the corner. Those clothes would only bring bad memories from now on.

"You don’t want them anymore?" Her inquiry came softly.

"Not that love. Bad vibes now."

"Oh." She stepped further into the room and started to help me strip the sheets from the bed. In silence we put clean sheets on. As we threw the comforter over the top I turned to sit. Burying my head in my hands.

"Didn’t last night after…didn’t it make the bad stuff go away?" She sounded so much like a child that I turned to look at her. The look in her eyes showed someone lost and frightened. She kneeled on the bed and crawled toward me coming to sit with a leg on either side of me. Her arms wrapped around my waist.

"Do you want me to make it go away some more?"

There were gentle kisses on my back. Her hands moved across my stomach and down to my crotch. Her hands wrapped around me. Yes, this always made the bad stuff go away, was what I wanted to tell her. But I stayed silent as she administered to me. Just like I had done last night. It just that it wasn’t working this time. I reached down and removed her hands. Standing up I looked down at her.

"Buffy can you just forget everything that happened last night? We just can’t keep pushing everything aside by having sex. We need to talk." I couldn’t believe I had just said that. But there was still the poet in me. William who still wanted to be loved. Spike that wanted to be accepted as man and demon. I wanted more than just to fuck I wanted to make love to her. I wanted all of her.

"I don’t want to talk. If that’s what I wanted I’d go to the counselor they tried to push me to see." She crossed her arms over her chest and stared back at me.

"But Buffy a lot things have happened since I’ve been back. Maybe we should just…" As I was searching for the right words she cut me off.

"You were off with psycho. You came back. I’m living here. You can hurt me but not anyone else. Therefore that is one more thing that says I’m fucked up. We had sex. We had fun. Xander and Angel tried to kill you. Does that cover everything?" She came to stand in front of me in the middle of this speech.

"Buffy."

"Quit Buffying me. I told you last night I need you to feel. Doesn’t mean I want to get all-emotional with you. You are still a soulless vampire. Therefore there is no future. No matter how much fun we had last night. Or how good the sex is." With each word her voice was getting colder. And my heart was breaking a little more. How could she stand there and just tear everything apart? Especially after her words last night. I still had my pride though. Not much but some. I turned and moved off to take a shower. Just left her standing there. There was no way I was going to break down in front of her.

"Don’t try to love me. You’ll only get hurt." She was trying to sound mean and hateful. And she was doing a damn good job of it.

"Too late for that." And I just kept on walking without explaining what it was too late for. The love or the hurt. Or both.

We didn’t talk for a good part of the day. Which was fine with me. Buffy had changed. More than I was willing to admit at first. There was a hard edge of desperation around her. She had to be feeling angry about last night. The betrayal from them had to have hurt her. She just seemed to push it behind a door inside of her mind somewhere. Somewhere where she didn’t have to deal with it. And it wasn’t appreciated that I was trying to open that door. So, I left her alone. Stayed upstairs and did my stuff while she stayed downstairs.

Sometime late in the afternoon I heard a cell phone ring. Curious I made my way toward the sound. Buffy was talking to someone. Arnie apparently. She told him that she would be into work at eight that night. Then I heard her make her way to the house. Presumably to take a shower. I stayed where I was. After a while she made her way upstairs. Without looking at her I asked her about the phone.

"I got one so Giles could get a hold of me if there was something wrong with Dawn. Only a couple of people have the number." She explained to me. "Are you going to give me a ride or do I walk?"

I finally looked over at her. White hot anger tore through me.

"Like hell you’re going anywhere like that. You look like a fucking hooker." Before when she had gone to work she had looked good. Sexy. But never like trash. Tonight she did. Her black shorts barely covered anything. They rode high on her hips with the bottom of her cheeks hanging out. The front dipped almost all the down to her curls. Her legs were covered in black thigh high stockings and her tits were barely covered in a baby blue bikini top.

"It’s Monday. You have to work harder for the tips than on the weekends." She dismissed my comments like I was stupid or something.

"Why don’t you just find a corner and make money that way? With your looks you’d make a fortune. Before you get all used up and everything sags." My words were cruel but the jealousy was twisting through me. That body was mine and I sure as hell didn’t want anyone else looking at that much of it.

"Are they sagging? You said one time that maybe they weren’t as high. What do you think now that you’ve touched them?" She moved her hands up her belly to cup her breasts. She walked over to me and placed a leg on one side of me coming down to rest on her knee. Moved her hands so they were on either side of my head. "Well?"

I looked up at her and moved my hand to flip up one side of her top. I cupped her breast in my hand caressing the nipple with my thumb. But she wasn’t done yet.

"Would you like me to find a corner? Would you like to watch me be with someone else? Or maybe I could bring Mitzi home with me tonight. She can’t stop talking about how sexy you are." She leaned down and kissed my forehead. I pulled her top back down over her breast. Moving my hand upwards until I was holding her by the back of the neck. I pulled her down to me for a kiss. When we broke apart a few moments later I told her that I wouldn’t share. Or be shared. That as long as she was with me it was going to be just us. And to never bring it up again.

I knew that she wasn’t serious. She was playing the bad ass again. Her emotions were all jumbled up and she was hiding from them. But I didn’t like these games she played. Because if you play a game long enough they became reality. And she had no clue what could happen. She had heard second hand about some things. But never from personal experience. Not even the morning after Parker gave her a inkling about how dirty you can feel. How emotionally hurtful sex could be. And I never wanted her to know.

She was standing in front of me waiting. I sighed and stood up. Didn’t have much of a choice but to take her to work dressed like a harlot. At least she was the Slayer and could protect herself. Didn’t really make me feel better. After I had dropped her off I really just wanted to take a ride. To clear my head. To try to rid my mind of Buffy even if for just a little while. But something was telling me to head back to the crypt. Glad that I did. Dawn was waiting for me. She had snuck away from Giles.

"Spike, I had to see if you and Buffy were okay?" She offered as the reason for her behavior.

"I won’t be if Giles finds you here."

She sighed and sat back on the couch.

"I’m tired of being treated like a baby. I’m not. I’m sixteen." She started off but I stopped her telling her I knew the song. To sing it to someone else.

"I heard Giles talking to Xander and Angel last night. They came back to the house after everything. He told them never to come near the two of you or they would answer to him. So, you guys are safe now." She told me in an effort to reassure me. I smiled at her.

"Thanks, Niblet, I feel positively safe now." My bad mood was being directed at her and it wasn’t really fair.

"Fine, sorry that I care." She stood and as dramatically as she could headed for the door.

"Come back. It’s been a bitch of a day."

"Buffy?" She asked from my side. "Is she giving you a hard time too?"

"Has she ever given me anything else?"

We both laughed at that. It was true. From day one Buffy had tormented me. Making me miserable one way or another. Dawn moved to sit again.

"Is she okay? Giles said she was really upset last night." Her concern was evident in her words and tone.

I reached a hand out and took hers.

"Yeah, she’s doing okay. It really hurt her. Hell, they tried to kill me."

"But they don’t mean anything to you. They do to Buffy." Dawn was dismissing my feelings of betrayal. I wasn’t sure why I was feeling that. Angel and Xander didn’t mean anything to me other than they mattered to Buffy.

"How’s her drinking?"

I looked quizzingly at her. Buffy had a few drinks here and there. Definitely more than she had before. But it didn’t seem like a problem. Dawn read my face because she continued before I could say anything.

"After Giles moved in he found a few bottles she had hidden around the house. And one time I went to take a drink of her coke and almost choked to death."

It started me thinking of all the times that Buffy would pour a coke then go downstairs. Only to return a few minutes later. But why would she hide it from me? And how much was she drinking? I stood quickly.

"Time to take you home."

She protested at first but gave in when she saw I wasn’t going to change my mind. When we pulled in the drive Giles was heading for his car. He walked over to us and waited while Dawn got off the bike. She bent down and kissed my cheek. Then whispered in my ear to take care of Buffy. To protect her. Then without saying anything to Giles headed back into the house.

"Don’t be too hard on her. She was only checking on Buffy and me." I tried to cover for her. Maybe she wouldn’t get in as much trouble.

"I know, Spike." He sighed. "Thank you for bringing her home."

He started to turn to leave but hesitated and looked back at me.

"I know she’s safe if she’s with you." Then he walked into the house. Leaving me staring after him in stunned silence. Where had that come from? But it made me feel good. And it gave me more resolve to do what I needed to do. I backed the bike up and headed for home. It was time for Buffy to get a wake up call. And I was going to make sure she got it.

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Chapter 9 - Torn

I had a few hours before I had to go and pick Buffy up. Every inch of the crypt, the bedroom, tunnels and caretaker’s house was searched in that time. Four bottles in all were hidden. Two whiskey, two vodka. One of each unopened. Tucked away in the back of her knickers drawer was the surprise. A small sandwich bag holding one perfectly rolled joint. I wondered if she had ever smoked it before or if this was going to be an experiment. Because it was just the one joint and not a bag. But that wasn’t the point tonight so I just tossed it in the pile with the other stuff. The only other thing I found was a pack of stale cigarettes. She had been smoking mine since I had been back so that made sense. Once everything was gathered together I took it all back upstairs and laid it out on the sarcophagus.

It was still early but I went ahead and left for The Edge. I went in when I got there and sat at the bar. By now Arnie knew me from dropping off and picking up Buffy and he came over to say hello. We made small talk as the place started to close down. Then as the girls were cleaning up I started to help them again. Started talking to Mitzi. Flirted with her a little. Just to see Buffy’s reaction. She just kept watching us. But wouldn’t meet my eyes. Good let her stew a little bit in the words of her own folly.

Buffy finally came over to us and said she was ready to go. I nodded at her and told Mitzi good night. The ride home was quiet. My stomach was acting a little nervous about what I had planned so I didn’t say much. Buffy just held on to me. Tonight she had scooted close to me with her arms around my middle. I didn’t drop her off at the crypt like I usually do but took her with me to park the bike. Didn’t want her to see until I was with her. When we were almost to the crypt I pulled her into my arms and kissed her. Long, slow and wet. I wasn’t sure what her reaction would be and I wanted one taste. Especially if this was going to be the last time.

I let her walk in ahead of me. Took my duster off and threw it over the back of the couch. Needed freedom of movement. She started toward the frig like she did every night when she saw. Her face paled a little at the sight.

"Spike, what’s going on?" She looked over at me. Her eyes wide showing her confusion and embarrassment.

"Why were you hiding it from me?" As I spoke I came to stand behind her. Taking my right arm over her right arm and resting my hand on her belly. And softly began to caress it.

"Because…" As she struggled for an excuse I brought my left arm around her and rested it against her chest. She relaxed against me. Leaning back into my embrace. Having no clue of what was about to happen.

"Because you forgot who you were living with. Didn’t you?" A growl came deep from with me as I vamped out. My arms tightened around her my left hand pulling her head to the side as my mouth closed around her throat. She stiffened in my embrace and tried to pull away. But it was too late. I had her incapacitated. The demon in me screamed for me to do the deed. To take her. To feed from a human for the first time in a long time. But I didn’t because this was my Buffy. My fangs gently scrapped against her skin and then I released her.

Buffy stumbled away from me. Her hand against her throat. The fear in her eyes was real.

"You son of a bitch." She turned and started running for the weapons trunk. I leaped over the couch and grabbed her. I threw her against the wall and put an arm on either side of her. I shook my face until the demon was gone.

She didn’t try to move again. Her breathing was hard and it caressed my face with each exhale. I looked deep in her eyes wanting to drown there.

"Do you remember the night when you paid me to tell you how I killed the Slayers?" She nodded her head. "And I told you they had a death wish. You have something worse, Summers, you have complacency. You’ve forgotten who you are living with. I’ve become Spike, the pet dog. It’s really funny you know. You and your friends never stopped to think why I was hanging around. Yeah, blame it all on the chip. But I was there because I wanted to be around you."

My hand went up to caress her cheek.

"I can still hurt demons therefore I can still lead them. Even with this chip I could still create terror. All I need is minions. Drusilla would kill for me. Bring me my meals. As a matter of fact she begged me to stay with her in Paris. But I didn’t for you. Always for you."

My hand dropped to her shoulder. Moving my fingers against her skin. My eyes looked up to meet hers.

"You forgot that I am a vampire. A master vampire if you’re into titles. I could have killed you a moment ago. And there was nothing you could have done."

She snorted at this and then laughed. Before she could move my hand was around her throat. Just gently squeezing no big pressure.

"Your heartbeat keeps me awake sometimes. The blood rushing through your veins calls to me to feed. To be what I was meant to be. And you lie there so innocently and so blindly. No defenses when you snore next to me. In the throes of passion my lips kiss what I so long to bite. And you don’t even realize."

I dropped my hand from her throat and move down to place it over her heart. Feeling the rhythm of it. Faster than normal. I leaned forward and kissed her softly.

"You like having sex with me. It makes you feel, doesn’t it?" She didn’t answer me but tried to turn away and I gently pushed her back against the wall. "I could make you feel a lot things if you let me. Pain and pleasure. I could teach you things that you never even dreamed about. There is very little that I haven’t done or have had done to me."

My hand moved to cup her breast. Massaging and kneading it. I gave a small laugh.

"You know how your first time is supposed to be so special. Before Drusilla I was this bumbling, pussy boy virgin. Then she turned me. My first time was bloody and violent. Angelus and Darla laughed at me. But I was a very quick learner."

My hand dropped to her waist and for a moment I buried my face against her shoulder. The memories were hard to deal with sometimes. After a moment I lifted my head and looked at her again.

"I learned all about sex from creatures of the night who were masters of depravity and torture. Chains, whips, blood, holy water. Pain was the price to be paid for pleasure. Not always. But you have to keep yourself amused."

She spoke for the first time. "Creatures? Plural?"

"Yes, Buffy, plural. Not just Drusilla. What did you think, baby, that when dawn broke Dru and I would go to one room. And Darla and Angelus would go to another. Some nights it was like that. If we were lucky. Some nights we stayed in the homes of people we killed. We had no souls, no conscious, and no morals. We traveled together for decades. Fought together. Tortured together. Fed together. And sometimes we fucked together. Bodies mingling together. And you forget and don’t care where the hands go as long as they are touching. Mouths too."

Her eyes closed and she turned her head from me.

"Open your eyes, Buffy."

My hand grabbed her chin and forced her to turn my way. Her eyes opened the tears threatening to spill.

"The mouth that has kissed you. Has kissed me. The hands that have pleasured you. Have pleasured me."

"No." The one word filled with so much emotional pain. Then I kissed her hard. My tongue not requesting but demanding response. My arm wrapped around her. My hand bringing her forward against me. As I felt her start to respond I released her. And the tears started to fall.

"Don’t make offers that you aren’t ready to back up. Sexually you can’t shock me. So, if you really want to bring Mitzi back one night. I’ll let her into our bed. Let the two of crawl all over me. Then as you watch I flip her on her back and fuck her brains out. Would you like to watch that? Me pounding into someone else. Someone else giving me what I only want from you. Then you can watch as I make her cum and as she is screaming my name I’ll rip her throat from her."

Buffy’s eyes opened wide. "The chip. You couldn’t."

"Oh, but Buffy I could. Sometimes the pleasure of the bite is the most sexual thing of all." I reached up and gently traced the scar Angel had left on her. "You should know." I looked over to make sure her eyes were on me. "I’ll even bet that you had one of the most intense orgasms of your life when Angel was draining the life blood from you. Even more intense then the night he popped your cherry."

She pushed at me. "You pig."

And I knew I was right. She knew I was right.

"So, Buffy." My hand caressed her face. Pushing her hair back behind her ear. "Don’t tell me not to love you. It’s the only thing keeping you alive."

I turned and left. Not bothering with the ladder I just took a leap to the lower level. I stripped my clothes from me on the way to the bed. After laying down I lit a cigarette. My hands were shaking so bad. I heard her start to cry. Horrible crying. Worse than the night before. But I didn’t go to her to make it all better. She had to realize. So, I waited.

She moved quietly until she was standing next to the bed.

"Spike, do you not want me anymore?" The tears were still in her voice. Her hands were being wrung together as she asked. Somewhere she had gotten the idea that I was trying to scare her away. I wasn’t. My thoughts were if she didn’t have to hide in shame and guilt maybe she could face her problems head on.

I sat up and scooted to the edge. Turning her until she stood between my legs.

"I will always want you." I reached up and undid the bow holding her top together. She pulled it up and over her head. Throwing it onto the floor. Then reaching behind her I undid the zipper of her shorts. As I started to pull them down I stopped to kiss the skin right above her mound. Once she was naked except for the stockings I picked her up and laid her down on the bed. Spreading her legs I went to lie between them.

"Buffy, you can’t forget who you are. Who I am. It’s dangerous. Just know this. I will never judge you. My love is here unconditionally."

Her hand came up to caress my cheek.

"Everything is so confusing. I feel so lost. Like I don’t belong anywhere."

‘I know, baby. But I will always be your anchor. Just don’t play games. Don’t hide. I am not going to wag my finger at you and tell you how bad you are. Even you at your worst couldn’t compare to what I have seen. Okay?"

She nodded at me. Then tremulously asked me.

"Do I satisfy you?"

Her question was so serious. I didn’t answer her for a moment because I couldn’t believe she was even asking.

"I know I’m not that experienced." She started to blush. "I mean I haven’t tried a lot of stuff. But if you want to I’d be willing to learn."

She was lucky that I knew her as well as I did. Because the images that went through my mind would have had her running for the door. But from where she had been it was probably her on top or him on top. And that was about it for the wild life with Riley. And so far with me we hadn't done much more. Maybe it was time for her to learn a few things. And I sure as hell was willing to teach her. And right now wouldn’t be a bad time to start. I smiled at her and came down to kiss her.

Evil is such a seductress. Sometimes you don’t even see her coming. And that night she snuck right in there with us. Even with the best of intentions on my part she had become a welcome guest in our home.

Chapter 10 - Feels Like The First Time

It was Tuesday. Buffy’s day to visit with Dawn. For the whole hour that Social Services allowed them. I had been watching her get ready for her appointment. All of a sudden it was like she was the old Buffy. She had dressed in a navy blue skirt that fell to her knees and a white button up shirt. So prim and proper unlike the woman I had spent the night with. Now this morning she wouldn’t even kiss me. Pushed me away and said she didn’t have time. It was okay though. The nervousness was coming off her in waves. Her hands shaking as she tried to fasten her necklace. I got up and took it from her. Fastened it for her. Then backed away.

"Thank you, Spike." Her eyes met with mine and she smiled. Then she turned and started up the ladder.

"Do you want me to go with you?" It would be a bitch during the day but if she needed me I wanted to be there. She stopped and backed down the ladder. But she didn’t turn to look at me. Her back was stiff.

"Xander is taking me." I could barely hear her whisper the words.

"Like bloody hell that wanker is taking you anywhere." I started to reach for my clothes when she came to me. She grabbed my hands pulling them up to her chest. Nestling our hands between us.

"Please, don’t. He’s been taking me since the first one. He arranged to take the time off every Tuesday with his boss to be there for us. I can’t take a fight between you two on this."

I knew she was right at least about the fighting bit. This was one of those times that I wished I wasn’t a vampire so that I could take over. Xander had it over me on this one. I hated that I couldn’t be there for the two of them. I sighed and nodded my head.

"He said he would behave when he’s here. When we talked earlier he apologized for the other night."

"To you. Not to me. He still wants me dead." I almost broke out in a rant as good as one of Dawn’s when Buffy’s eyes started to tear up. Then I shut up. Pulled her to me in an embrace where I tried to convey concern and support. Not the anger and frustration that was coursing through me. She kissed me gently and whispered a thank you to me.

I hated every moment but stayed where I was while he came to the door. And took off with my girl. By the time they had left I was ready to break something. While she was gone I took to straightening and cleaning the place. I really hated to say it but Buffy had become a slob while she was living here. Her stuff was just strewn all over the place. She seemed to ignore it so I was always putting things away. Scrubbed down the bathroom and separated the clothes for the laundromat later. Cleaning helped me to diffuse some of the anger and frustration that I was feeling.

She had become too important to me in the time that she had been with me. My life had revolved around her for the last couple of years. But now I couldn’t make a move without her. I was beginning to wonder who I was without her there. Hell, just last night I had been telling her she had forgotten who I was. But I was forgetting myself. Maybe later I needed to go hang out with my own kind. Do something that demons do. Anything to remind me that I was the Big Bad.

By the time Buffy returned that afternoon the place was pretty much spotless. I was smoking one cigarette after another. I had finished my latest Laurell K. Hamilton book and was now watching pointless television. She came in like there wasn’t a care in the world. At least she hadn’t invited him in. And as far as I was concerned she had better be bloody grateful she hadn’t. I didn’t turn her way but listened as she headed to get a soda. She hesitated by the bottles of liquor but passed it by. Coming to sit on the couch reaching for my cigarettes. I was still in a foul mood and almost made a comment. But then I remembered she was the one who had bought them. Kept my opinion to myself.

"How was your visit?" May as well be polite if nothing else. And actually I was curious as to how much trouble Dawn was in.

"It went good. Dawn was glad to see me. First time she’s hugged me in a while. Wanted to make sure I was okay. And she asked about you. Said to tell you that Giles went easy on her. Just grounded her for the weekend." She leaned back and took a drag of her cigarette.

"Good. I’m glad that you all had a good talk." I finally turned to look at Buffy. Her face was pale and she had been crying at some point. I reached my hand out to her. She looked at it for a moment then put her hand in mine. Pulling her over until she sat in my lap I hugged her close to me. Took her cigarette and crushed it out in the ashtray on the floor. Just wanted Buffy to myself for a few moments. Her face was nestled in my neck and her fingers caressed my chest. In a lazy distracted kind of way. Everything was right again in the world. Buffy was in my arms.

I looked around over her head and saw the bag on the couch. It was from the bookstore. Kissed her on top of her head and then asked her what she had bought.

"Nothing."

"Nothing. It doesn’t look like nothing." I thought that we had covered the games and lies last night. But I guess I had been talking to myself. Buffy pulled back and looked down at me.

"Later. Okay? I’ll share later." She stood and grabbed the bag heading for the bedroom. I stayed and watched the sway of her hips as she walked. Maybe I was just overreacting. Leaning my head against the back of the chair I sighed my frustration away. When she didn’t come back up for awhile my curiosity got the better of me and I went looking for her. Yeah, I know curiosity killed the cat but I wasn’t a cat. My insecurity was making me want to know everything that was going on. It was just safer that way.

Buffy was lying on the bed propped up on her elbows. One foot was swaying back and forth. I licked my lips when I saw she was dressed only in her underwear. Little girl undies. White with tiny pink flowers on them and a bra that matched. Her hair pulled to one side leaving her back exposed. She turned to look at me when she realized I was there. Sweeping the books she had been looking at under her stomach. I slowly walked over to her as she watched. Smiling as her eyes swept over me.

When I had laid down next to her I reached out to pull the books out from under her. She crossed her arms over them. Letting go I pushed her hair back and touched my lips to hers. Kissing softly. My tongue tracing her lips then pulled her bottom lip between my teeth. Sucking on it. She moaned into my mouth and shifted to get closer to me. When she did I reached out and grabbed the books.

Buffy didn’t move as I did. The Big Bad had outmaneuvered her. Score one point for my side. Chuckling I looked down at what she had been hiding. Then froze as I did. When I saw what she had I felt like an ass for pushing her. Scattered across the bed was Kama Sutra and another book on pleasing your man. Then she had catalogs for Fredericks and Victoria’s Secret. I laid down with my head near hers so that I could look up at her. She was bright red and her eyes were closed. Reaching up I ran my fingers down her cheek.

"Buffy, look at me." She stayed still. "Baby, it’s okay. I’m sorry for pushing you. As long as it’s for me, for us, I think it’s great."

A single tear ran down her cheek and she dropped her head down to bury her face in her arms. I had tried to tell her last night that she drove me wild. And I couldn’t be any happier with her than I was. But apparently she still felt inadequate. Maybe by giving her ‘lessons’ I was reinforcing the idea. A muffled sound escaped from her. She was sobbing. Twisting myself around until I was laying along side of her I put my arms around her.

"Baby, don’t cry. I love you."

She turned so she was facing me burying her face in my shoulder. Her arms wrapped tightly around me.

"I’m sorry for crying. It’s just embarrassing." She spoke into my shoulder.

"It shouldn’t be. Come on out of there. And we can look at it together." She shook her head against me and clutched me tighter to her. It almost felt like I was dealing with a child. "Come on, pretty baby, come out and play with Daddy." I told her teasingly. Then ran my fingers to her midriff and tickled her. She started giggling and rolled onto her back looking up at me. She ran her hand up to my head and ruffled my hair with her fingers. Drawing me down to sear our lips together. I pulled her body flush against me. Moving my leg between hers. Rubbing my cock against her hip.

"See, I just have to be around you for a moment and I’m ready to go." I whispered against her ear. Running my tongue around it. Pulling the lobe into my mouth sucking on it. My hand moving along her stomach down to the apex of her thighs. Caressing her outside of her panties. I loved it when all I had to do was touch her and she became wet. After all those years of wanting her and now she was here and wanting me back. It was sweet. Kissing her quickly I pulled away. Later. I rolled over onto my stomach and pulled the Fredericks catalog to me and started to flip through it. She looked at me in surprise then rolled over next to me. We spent the rest of the afternoon picking out stuff we liked. Going through the ‘sex guides’ laughing at some stuff and deciding on things that we wanted to try. The more we went through stuff the more relaxed she became.

There was still an innocence to her when it came to talking but when it came to the actual deed she let go. Sometimes I had trouble keeping up with her appetite. She just hadn’t done it in a lot of different ways and places and thought that because she hadn’t she wasn’t good enough. It just seemed to go with everything else that she was feeling. So, I excused it away.

I tossed the catalogs to the other side of the bed. That’s when I saw the back. They were addressed to Anya. When Buffy realized I had seen she started to scoot off the bed.

"You got these from Anya?" I reached out and wrapped my hand around her wrist.

"Yeah, I just told her I needed some new stuff. It’s not like I told her I was trying to improve our sex life or anything." She shrugged her shoulder and tried to look innocent. "Especially the Victoria’s Secret one. It’s mostly clothes and stuff."

I raised an eyebrow at her and let her go. It just felt strange that she might have talked to someone else about us. In bed. Girl talk. I wonder if my body had been part of the conversation. Like being compared to Xander. That definitely gave me the willies.

Buffy was pulling jeans and a t-shirt on. She turned back to me and asked if I wanted to go to the store with her after she grabbed something to eat.

"Do you ever eat anything besides sandwiches and stuff?" Since I had been back that was like her staple for food.

"Yeah pretty much, it’s not like you have a fully equipped kitchen up there. And even if you did I’m not that great of a cook."

So, I took her out to dinner. To a little steakhouse out on the highway. I had found out they had those onion things I liked. Went over there every once in a while to get one to go. So, we ordered that and spicy wings to start but I mostly ate those. It was good to see her eat a real meal for a change. I missed the extra pounds she had as a teenager. She had been so cute when I had first seen her. Softly rounded in all the right places. I had wanted her even then.

She fed me bites of her dinner as she ate. Then as she put her napkin down on the table she covered her mouth and let out a very unladylike burp. I just laughed at her. She looked at me for a moment. Probably deciding whether to be mad or not. But she ended up giggling and shrugging her shoulders.

"I am so full. Thank you." She smiled over at me and reached out to squeeze my hand. When the bill came she reached for her purse but I beat her to it. Laying the money out for the waitress. She knitted her brows together but I refused to answer her unasked question. One of these days I would explain a few things to her. But not yet.

After she ate we stopped at the store to stock up on stuff. Wheatabix, beer and smokes for me. She grabbed more sandwich stuff, soda and some snacks. Then she told me to wait for her at the front and I refused. She rolled her eyes and headed down the female aisle. Grabbing some tampons she threw them in the cart. Just as I was reaching for some KY Jelly she smacked my hand.

"We are so not going there. Let’s go." She grabbed my hand and started to pull me along. I started walking along beside her. Nodded toward the blue box I asked, "Is that going to start soon?"

"Soon enough." She didn’t look at me and kept going.

I leaned in close to her ear and whispered to her, "Can I have some?"

Her mouth dropped open and then she turned dark red. She started moving at a deadly pace trying to leave me behind. I just laughed and followed her.

After we had gotten home and put the stuff away I went to sit in my chair to watch the news. Settling down to find out what was going on in good old Sunnydale when she came over and sat on my lap. Curling her legs up to rest on my chest. She had brought the pint of chocolate ice cream she had gotten at the store. We watched the news together as she fed us dessert. My hand playing with her hair. Content. Is the only way to describe how I felt.

We had spent the day together. Doing ordinary things. Like millions of other couples around the world. But for me it was a first. I could almost forget what I was. Spending the day with her. Somewhere I had forgotten all about going out and doing demon things. This was where I wanted to be. This is what I wanted to be doing.

But I also wanted the day to end doing things other couples did. I picked her up and stood. Walked her over to the sarcophagus. Stood her on her feet while I threw the blanket over it. Then reached under her arms and sat her on the edge. Took the ice cream from her hands and set it to the side. I stripped off my shirt then reached for the edge of hers. Pulled it over her head. She just let me do what I wanted with a curious look on her face. After her shirt had joined mine I undid her bra and it soon joined the growing pile. Then it was time for her jeans to come off. I undid the snap and told her to lie back. She raised her hips so I could pull them off. Then I reached for her hands and pulled her to a sitting position again.

I picked up the pint spooning out some. After I fed it to her I kissed her. My tongue dancing with hers as the chocolate melted in her mouth. I wrapped my arm around her pulling her close to the edge. As I broke contact she murmured against my mouth asking for more. I shook my head and told her to lean back on her hands. As she did her breasts arched up the way I wanted them too. Taking a spoonful of the creamy confection I spooned it onto one of her peaks. Then a spoonful on the other. Watched them melt against the heat of her flesh. Her nipples puckered against the cold. Taking the back of the spoon I spread the melting treat around so they were completely covered. Once they were the way I wanted them I started to lick it off. Saving her nipples for last. She moaned as I reached out and just flicked one hardened nub. Then drew it into my mouth suckling at one than the other.

My fingers kneading her ass pulling her closer to me. Her legs wrapped my waist. Her fingers entwined in my hair holding me close to her. Once her breasts were cleaned of any chocolate I took a spoonful into my mouth and waited for her to come to me. Her tongue sweeping the inside of my mouth. Melting it and swirling it around my tongue. Her arms wrapped around me. Pulling me till our chests rubbed together. When she stopped for air I told her to lie back. Pushing her back some so I had room to bend on my arms and still reach her.

She watched wide-eyed as I took the spoonful and put it at the top of her pussy. Then a couple more. When I had put enough I spread her open with my fingers letting it melt down the middle of her. She hissed as the coolness met her heat. I smiled and bent my head down. I licked it first from her vulva. My fingers stroking the opening of her warmth. Just the tips of my fingers penetrating. Then small strokes of my tongue along the inside of her lips . Lapping at the chocolate. With each lap I pushed my fingers further into her. Her hands gripped the blanket as I enjoyed myself. Finally I reached her clit. Sucking on it then rubbing it with my tongue. My fingers were thrusting as far as I could reach at this point. Her hips started to move in time to my fingers. I kept the pressure up. Responding to her. Leading her toward her release. As she came around me I lapped up the extra moisture. Once she had stopped convulsing I climbed up between her legs. Undoing my jeans as I moved. She smiled up at me as I came to lie on her. Her hips coming up to meet my cock as I started to enter her.

This was home to me now. With her. In her. Loving her. My life had changed. And I never could go back. I didn’t even want to anymore. Life seemed good at this point.

_____________________________________

Chapter 11 - Peaceful Easy Feeling

The next night after I dropped Buffy off at work I headed to meet up with Clem. It was the standing night for the poker game. Made my way into the back room and sat down at the table. The other guys weren't overly welcoming but I was getting used to it. After a few hands and me losing every one, Clem and I made our way out to the front and took over a table. Conversation was just mostly bullshit. Guy talk. Then he got kinda nervous. Looked around to see who was hanging about and then leaned a little more over the table.

"There's been talk lately." He told me in a low voice. I knew whatever he was had to say wasn't going to be good. So, I lit up a cigarette and nodded my head for us to take a walk. We didn't say anything else until we were outside in the alley.

"What's up mate?" I asked him as he was still looking around.

"I really shouldn't be telling you but I like you. It's about your girlfriend." A shot of pride just went through me as he called Buffy my girlfriend. It was just weird that we were seen as a couple now. Well, at least by the demon world.

"What about her?" I took another drag of my cigarette and waited for Clem to explain.

"The guys, demons, they know that she hasn't really been around lately." He stopped for a minute as a couple of vampires walked by us headed for the bar.

"They're talking about starting trouble. Saying if the Slayer doesn't care then they should just start doing whatever they want." He explained to me. Clem was putting himself on the line by telling me at least this much of the plan. I figured he was already getting hassled about being my friend but if they found out he was giving me information then the poor guy would probably end up dead.

"Thanks. I'll talk to Buffy and see that she starts to make more of a show about town." I patted him on the shoulder and turned to leave.

"Talk to ya later." Clem called to me as I was walking away. I turned around and told him to stop by the crypt sometime to hang out. He nodded his head and turned to go the other way.

There was one more stop that I wanted to make before picking up Buffy. The Magic Box. It was after ten by now and it should be all closed up. I dropped down into the sewer tunnels and made my way up through the basement. After checking for any sound I headed for the office. Anya's computer had Internet access and that was what I needed. I turned the machine on and waited for it to warm up. I turned as I heard a sound. It was Anya coming straight at me.

"What are you doing?" Anya asked me angrily. "How did you get in here?"

I smiled my best 'Aren't I adorable?' smile at her.

"Just needed to use the computer for a bit." I told her as if that would explain everything.

"Well, that is considered stealing. Get out now." Anya reached out to turn the computer off again when I grabbed her hand. She turned to look down at me.

"Come on. Let me stay. I just need to order something then I'll be out." She pulled her arm away from me but she didn't reach for the computer again.

"What do you need to order?" Her curiosity was up.

"Just some stuff." I really didn't want to tell her that I was going to order lingerie for Buffy. Did not want to bring that subject up.

"Well, if you can't tell me what you are going to order then you can't use it. How do I know that you're not going to order something that is completely evil?" She crossed her arms and waited for me to give a response.

"Okay, okay." I reached into the inside pocket of my duster and pulled out the copy of the Frederick's catalog and handed it to her. Then I stared at the computer screen while I waited for the sarcastic comments to start. But she squealed.

"You're shopping for Buffy aren't you? I just knew it. Need new stuff. Yeah, right." Without waiting for an answer she went and pulled a chair over. After she was sitting next to me she told me she would help. I looked at her like she was crazy but she just smiled and gestured for me to sign on. I clicked on the icon for the Internet and waited for it to be pulled up.

"What are you doing here so late?" I asked her. It was almost eleven at night and she was hanging around the shop in the dark.

Anya looked down at her hands and told me with a catch in her voice that there was no reason to go home anymore. She sighed and opened up the catalog.

"Click on favorites." She told me once the screen was up. "I used to order from there all the time."

Her voice was sad and wistful. I guess she had stopped ordering when Xander had dumped her. I looked at her briefly and then turned back to the screen. I clicked on the lingerie section. The drool almost got all over the keyboard as I started to imagine Buffy in some of this stuff. As I was ordering a lacy teddy in black Anya stopped me.

"Don't get it in black. Order the pink or white."

"Why? I like the black." The thought of Buffy lying under me covered in black lace was dancing around in my head. Her acting like she was bad had kept me going for days now.

"Because Buffy likes being girly. It's from being the Slayer. When she's not on duty she likes being feminine. And she is the one who will be wearing it."

It made sense to me. So, I ordered the pink. Quite a few pieces of lingerie later I was ready to complete the order when Anya had me click on gifts. She told me there was other things that would be fun. So, a couple of bottles of flavored massage oils and a body frosting kit were added to the order. I figured Buffy could return the favor and I could be the dessert this time.

"How are you paying for this?" Anya asked me with a bit of suspicion in her voice.

"Your Pay Pal account." I told her with a straight face and just kept filling out the order form. Anya reached out and pushed me away from the computer.

"No, I am not paying for Buffy to have lingerie so she can have sex. Not when I am not getting any." Anya looked down at me while I started laughing at her comment.

"Simmer down, pet. I was joking." I reached into my pocket again pulling out a check card and handed it to her.

She looked at it and then at me. "William Blood. Who did you steal this from?"

"No one. That’s me. If you are going to be immortal a bloke has got to do some planning." I explained to her. It was true. You couldn’t steal everything. And in my past life as I accumulated people’s purses some of it went into a bank. Money wasn’t really a priority with me. But sometimes you just needed some cash. And if you left most of it alone it grew.

"Oh. Very smart. I like that. Proceed with your order." She gave her approval and handed back the card. I think I had impressed her. One thing about Anya she did like money.

"Can I have the stuff delivered here?" It would be easier than trying to pick it up at the post office.

"Sure. No problem."

I paid extra for express delivery so that we would have it in two days. After everything was set I went ahead and shut down her computer.

"Thanks Anya. I appreciated the help."

"No problem."

We just sat there for a moment both of us feeling kind of awkward. It wasn’t like we were really friends or anything. Her ex hated me and wanted me to be a big pile of dust. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be friends with her. Out of the whole gang she seemed the person I could most get along with considering she was an ex-demon.

"How are you doing? With everything I mean?" I hadn’t really meant to ask it just kind of came out of my mouth while I was thinking of everything else. But she actually seemed glad that I had.

"I’m doing okay. It just hurts a lot. I just don’t understand how he could do that to me." Her face got sad and she shrugged her shoulders. "Now I think maybe he didn’t love me at all. Not the way I loved him."

I reached over and brushed her hair out of her face. Then at the sadness that was in her eyes I cupped her face and brushed her cheek with my thumb.

"The wanker is a complete fool for doing that." She nodded her head then stood to walk over to the other side of the room. We hung around for a bit. Talking. Comparing notes on living with humans. Talking about the good old days of being demons. Almost like that time a couple of years ago when we had hung out. But now we were both in a little deeper. And a little bit more battle scarred. Finally it was time for me to leave.

"Why don’t I give you a ride home? It’s late and you shouldn’t be here alone."

"Okay."

We didn’t say anything on the way to her place. A new little place that just wasn’t home to her. Tried to be a gentlemen by walking her to her door.

"Thanks again, Anya. I’ll be by Thursday night to pick up the packages." Smiling at her one last time I turned to walk away. Halfway down the hall after I didn’t hear her go in I turned to look to see what was up. She was standing there watching me walk away. We just stood there for a moment looking at each other.

"Buffy is a lucky woman." Anya said breaking the silence. Then she quickly turned and went into her apartment. Yeah, if I hadn’t already given my heart to Buffy, Anya would be a lady I would definitely pursue. Xander was a bloody idiot for walking away from a woman like her.

I sighed and headed for my bike. It was time to pick up my girl. As I drove into the parking lot Buffy was coming out the door with the other girls. She smiled when she saw me and picked up her pace to get to me. Once she reached me she sat on the bike in front of me. Throwing her arms around me she started to lean in for a kiss. But she stopped and inhaled deeply. Her eyes flashed fire and she jumped up to stand next to me.

"Who the hell have you been with?" Her eyes were glittering the way they did when she was really pissed off.

"No one, love. Get back over here." I reached for her but she pushed my arm aside.

"I can smell perfume. Who have you been with?" She said it very slowly like I was an idiot or something.

"You jealous?" I looked up at her with a trace of a smirk on my face.

"No. Not even close."

"Possessive then?"

"Delusional much."

She turned on her heel and started walking off. I started to walk the bike following her.

"Come on, Buffy. Stop the titty attack and let's go home."

She turned and tried to slap me. I caught her arm and pulled her toward me. Wrapping my arms around and holding her close to me.

"I was with Anya."

"Oh, you do want to die, don’t you?" She struggled to get up. Pushing at me and twisting her body. "Because if I don’t do it then Xander certainly will."

"Not like that. I had to get some more Berber weed and she was still there. Gave her a ride home. That’s all."

"You expect me to believe that." Buffy had stopped struggling but wouldn’t look at me. I leaned in and nuzzled her neck. She reached over and tried to bite the side of my face.

"What the hell are you trying to do? I told you the truth. You don’t leave me the energy to try to fuck anyone else." I was beginning to lose my temper. How the hell could she even think I wanted someone else.

"Really?" It didn’t sound like she was convinced but she was calming down. Her eyes searched mine. I was hoping that she couldn’t read my mind. And the fact that not an hour ago I was wondering how Anya would be in bed. But even with my imagination at it's worst I didn’t think it could compare to the reality of my little hellcat.

"Yes, really. If you want you can inspect me. No bites or scratches that aren’t yours."

Giving me one last long searching look she sighed. I couldn't figure out if she believed me or just didn't want to fight anymore.

"Come on. Let’s go home." She pulled out of my arms and moved to climb on the back of the bike. I turned to look back at her.

"We need to go patrolling."

"Why? I’m tired and my feet are killing me." She whined and laid her face on my back snaking her arms around my middle.

I told her what Clem had told me about the demons. And that she needed to make an appearance to show them she was still around. She reluctantly agreed with me. Doing patrols was a nuisance to her now. That was part of the life she was trying to get away from. But she also knew that it was her duty. And she knew that it was something that she couldn't avoid altogether. Not if the people she cared about were going to stay safe.

"Can I at least go home and put some jeans or something else on?" I laughed because she was wearing a short skirt and that would be something for the vamps to spread around. The Slayer flashing them as she dusted them.

After she had changed we made a show of patrolling. Hitting the more populated places. Surprising them when they saw her coming. Let a couple of them go so they could spread the word. Buffy was back in action. As we were headed home we ran into a group of four vamps heading home before dawn. They fought for their lives as we picked them off one by one. When the last one was standing I pushed him her way so she could have the honors. She staked him and then turned to look at me.

I looked up at her and caught her eyes. Started to look away and then looked back as she continued to stare. There was something going on inside her and for the second time that night I couldn’t read her. Then she moved. Running she came right at me. Pushing me to the ground falling on top of me. Her mouth attached itself to mine. Our teeth knocked together at the force that she came at me. After kissing me harshly she pulled back. Her weight on her hands on either side of me.

"I will stake you if you ever even think about being with someone else." Then she kissed me again. She stood up and reached her hand out to me. I took it and she pulled me up. Then like she almost hadn’t made a declaration of love she started heading for home. Chuckling I just started following her. I couldn’t wait for her presents to get here. Anya had said that lingerie could make any woman melt. And I wanted Buffy to melt. Right into the Big Bad’s arms.

________________________________

Chapter 12 - Head Games

Thursday seemed to take forever to get there. I kept running this scenario through my mind of Buffy opening her presents. And the little show I would get while she tried her gifts on. Yeah. I just couldn’t wait. Soon. She would declare her feelings. That little scene in the cemetery the other night and what she gave me when we got home had convinced me. She loved me. I just had to be patient a little longer.

We had spent the better part of the afternoon in bed. Sleeping. Making love. Just being. But as usual not really talking about anything. Finally around dusk we finally left the bed and got dressed. I had to restock my supply of blood. So, I used that as an excuse to leave. She offered to come with me. But I told her that I didn’t want her seeing that part of me. Which was actually true. It just didn’t feel right to for us to be shopping for blood together. I hated going to buy the stuff. It was unnatural. But nothing was natural anymore.

So, I took off for the Magic Box first. Anya had wrapped all the presents for me in dainty pink and white wrapping paper and bags. I couldn’t believe she had done that. She just told me that it was the least she could do for a friend. It felt nice that she would do that for me and Buffy. I laughed though when she handed me the receipt for the wrapping paper. Dutifully handed over the cash for it. That was just Anya for you. We put all the packages in a couple of big shopping bags to make it easier to carry back to the crypt. Then I went and picked up a bottle of champagne. Something to celebrate with after she opened everything. Finally I picked up my blood and headed home.

I went in through the caretaker’s house because I didn’t want her to see until I was ready. Stored all the stuff in the tunnel near the bedroom before checking to see where she was. She wasn’t in the crypt anywhere. Probably went on a quick patrol or something. The coast was clear so I retrieved the bags and brought them back into the bedroom. Arranged them on the bed in a pile right in the middle. It looked like Christmas without a tree. Didn’t look half bad if you asked me.

Then I retraced my steps through the house grabbed my blood and the champagne and headed through the cemetery. As I got closer to home I heard Buffy and Tara talking. They were saying something about being wrong and that it would all work out. They were sitting on the bench outside of my place. Both of them drinking white wine. But as they saw me coming they both got quiet. When I got close enough I leaned over and kissed Buffy on the cheek.

"Hello, love." Then I turned to Tara. "How are you doing? And how is Willow?"

She smiled at me and told me they were both fine. That they were meeting for coffee the next day.

"So, you back together?" She looked happy and contented. I was glad that the birds were working things out. Everybody deserved to be happy. Except Xander and Angel.

"Trying to." Tara told me.

They both seemed uncomfortable with me being there. I had interrupted their little talk. Knowing that they weren’t going to continue with me there I excused myself and went in. Put the blood and champagne in the refrigerator. Settled down in front of the telly to wait for Buffy to come back in.

Was watching a rerun of CSI about some woman that killed people to drink their blood. What complete rot. Either you were a vampire or you weren’t. Blaming it on a disease didn’t change who you were. But I watched the show anyway. I liked how they went about figuring stuff out.

Buffy came in as the show was ending. I looked over at her as she made her way toward the frig. She put the wine glasses on the shelf and grabbed a bigger glass. Mixed herself a glass of whiskey and soda. She caught me looking at her and made a face at me. Like asking me what I thought I was I looking at. I turned back to the telly wondering why tonight of all nights did she have to be in a snit. After she had made her drink she came over and plopped on the couch.

"What did you and Tara talk about?" Thought maybe if we could talk she would get back to a good mood again. And then we could have fun.

"Nothing." She took a drink and pointedly kept looking at the television. Obviously she didn’t want to talk about anything. I got up and went to sit next to her. She looked at me as I did but didn’t say anything. I pushed her hair back off of her shoulder and kissed her neck softly. Ran my hand along her leg and then up the inside of her thigh.

"Don’t Spike." She grabbed my hand pulling it away from her and dropped it on they couch.

"What’s wrong, Buffy? When I left everything was fine and now you’re being all bitchy." Probably wasn’t the best way to open up a conversation but the girl was irritating me.

"I already told you nothing was wrong. Absolutely nothing is wrong. Actually everything is fine." Buffy was practically screaming by the time she had finished. She stood and looked down at me like I was the one that had a problem.

"Well, gee, if everything is so fine. What the hell has got your panties in a twist?" I yelled back at her.

"You are such a pig."

"Yeah, so you’ve said before. So, if the mighty Slayer says it then it must be true. Right?" I got up so that I wasn’t at the disadvantage. "Are you going to tell me what is wrong or are you going to spend all night insulting me. Because if you are I am going to go somewhere more inviting."

"What are you going to do? Run off to Anya’s?" Her eyes were flashing and she took a step closer to me.

"Maybe. At least she is not a bitch to be around." I took a step closer to her.

"Well, go then. Wouldn’t want Spike to be inconvenienced." She turned away from me wrapping her arms around herself.

I reached out and touched her. She didn’t pull away from me. Which I guessed was a good sign.

Stepped up to her and wrapped my arms around her.

"Baby, I don’t want to fight. Just talk to me. Maybe I can help."

She let out a sob and she started to shake.

"How can you help if you’re part of the problem?"

I froze when she said that. And I know now that I should have been listening with my heart and my head. Not my pride. But some lessons just have to learned the hard way. My pride was leading the way. It was about me. What I was going to get out of this. What was going to happen when she opened her presents. It was almost like it wasn’t as important as how she would feel about getting them as it was about the reaction that I would get. Like storing up brownie points or something.

"What do you mean?" I asked her low and dangerous. She didn’t even notice. She was off somewhere in her pain. I stepped back from her and waited.

"I asked Tara to check the spell. To see if maybe I came back wrong. To see if I wasn’t quite…human anymore." She started to explain hesitantly. After wiping away a tear she continued. "But she says I am fine. Like it might be a molecular sunburn or something."

"And what does this have to do with me?"

"If there is nothing wrong with me why am I here? If I am just the same old Buffy then why I can’t I do this. Why did I lose Dawn and the house? Why don’t my friends care anymore? Why am I living here with an evil soulless vampire?" She stopped and turned around to look at me. Her tears were falling rapidly now. Her body moving with the force of her sobbing. It didn’t reach me.

"Because you love me."

She looked at me in surprise. It wasn’t the response or the statement that she wanted. Actually it wasn’t what she needed either. But I wasn’t focused on her needs at the moment.

"No. No. I don’t love you. I can’t love you. You are everything that I am supposed to be against." It was like she wasn’t even talking to me. More like she was talking to herself. Trying to work things out in her head.

"And I am the only one who makes you feel. Remember?" I stood up and moved close to her. Running my hands up her arms.

"No. It’s disgusting. You’re a dead thing. It’s not real."

Her words were like a slap in my face. How could she? Us being together was disgusting? It wasn’t real. We weren’t real. It felt real to me.

"And you like fucking dead things don’t you?" My words were meant to be cruel. She was hurting me. Ruining our night. She flinched at my words.

"No. It was different. Angel has a soul. You’re evil. Remember you told me so. No morals. Isn’t that what you told me the other night. You’re a vampire. Don’t forget Buffy. It’s dangerous." She was fighting back now. Mocking me. My own words had come back to bite me in the ass.

"Yeah, and does Angel make you scream the way I do? Oh, I forgot you fucked him. He turns evil then tortures and kills your friends. And you had to make a deal with me for help. Didn’t you? Spikes always there for you. And what do I get. Shit. That’s what I get."

I turned away from her before this came to blows. She followed me anyway.

"You get shit, do you? I kept your sorry ass alive."

That did it. I was thoroughly pissed now. Turned around and grabbed her by her shoulders.

"For what. Not for me. For you. I took care of your sis. I take care of you. I helped your friends. And now I am your sodding fuck toy." I wanted her to hurt as much as I was hurting.

"Oh, yeah, you took such good care of my sister that I had to die. I asked you to do one thing and you fucked it up."

I was fighting tears now. That was the ultimate blow. And it hurt like a bitch. My guilt over that night constantly ate at me. Giving me nightmares.

"Get out. Get out of my crypt." I had stopped yelling. "I don’t care anymore. I am through with you."

I headed downstairs with her at my heels. As we reached the lower level she saw the presents on the bed. Stopped her for a second. But I took her attention away from there as I pulled the dresser open and started throwing her clothes at her.

"Spike, stop. Please stop." She started grabbing at her clothes. She was crying even heavier now if it was possible. "Are those for me?" Her attention had returned to the presents on the bed.

"Yes, they are. Take them with you."

I walked over and grabbed some and threw them at her.

"Take them. Take your shit and get out." When she didn’t move I got in her face. "Get the fuck out. Didn’t you hear me? I don’t care anymore."

She moved back.

"Spike, no. Please. I told you that I would disappoint you. You said it didn’t matter." Her words were coming out in a whimper. I turned and started to pull more of her stuff out. I saw her out of the corner of my eye fall to the floor. Curling up into a ball. I just kept throwing stuff at her. Then I realized that she wasn’t saying anything. Not making any noises at all. Her crying had stopped. I stopped and walked over. Stood with a leg on either side of her. Her hair was covering her face and her hands were curled up next to her face.

"Get up, bitch. Get up and get out. I don’t want you here anymore." I yelled down at her.

"I don’t have anywhere to go." She said it too calmly. It took a moment for it to register with me.

"Don’t care."

"I just want my mom back. She’d make everything better." My eyes widened in surprise. I kinda shook my head as I tried to clear myself from my emotions. Then squatted down and moved her hair back. I closed my eyes to block out the sight of what she was doing. But it was still there when I opened them again. And my heart broke. The fingernails of her left hand were dug into the upper arm on her right side. She was slowly digging out her own flesh. My stomach churned at the sight.

I took her hand in mine stopping her motions. Gathered her up to me and leaned back against the bed. With her nestled between my legs and her head on my chest. I kissed her on the top her head. Hugged her close to me.

"I love you, Summers. It’s going to be okay. You don’t have to go anywhere."

She didn’t respond so I just kept her close to me. Rocking her. Running my fingers through her hair. I learned a lot that night about love. About caring. About unconditional love. About listening. And mostly about pain. I thought I had known everything. But I didn’t. And life had given me a new lesson.

After a while of rocking her I picked her up and laid her on the bed. She just curled up in a ball. The presents got stacked in the corner out of the way. I went up and got a wet washcloth and some antibiotic ointment from her first aid kit. When I came back I cleaned out her gouges and applied the lotion. She never responded to me or to what I was doing. I stripped her down to her panties and put her into one of my t-shirts. Finally I laid down next to her. Drawing her close to me.

She just laid against me. It was late into the night before either of us went to sleep. She never spoke another word that night. Just lay there. She was somewhere I couldn’t reach her. It scared me. I had promised to be her anchor. Promised to love her unconditionally. And if she never loved me. Never wanted me again. I would still be there for her. Till the end of time.

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