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Chapter 13 - Tell it to My Heart

We woke the next morning on opposite sides of the bed with our backs to each other. I just lay there staring at the wall while I listened to her stir. Nothing was the same. Her words last night had caused a rift that I wasn't sure she wanted to bridge. Being with me disgusted her. Maybe I could understand to a point. We were mismatched. But to me love was love. A great burning flame that you couldn't ignore. You had to let it consume you.

Eventually she sat up and moved off the bed. I closed my eyes so she would think I was still asleep. Wasn't ready to face her yet. Then I heard her picking up her presents and laying them on the bed. She returned to sit on the bed her back against the headboard. I started when she laid a hand on my shoulder.

"Spike, you awake?"

I rolled over onto my back with a sigh. Looked up into her eyes. Trying to figure out where she was this morning. They were filled with sadness. But she attempted a smile for me. Then reached for a present. I nodded my head at her to let her know it was okay to open it. She ran her hand along the paper and pulled the bow off. There weren't any words spoken as she opened each package. The massage oils and frosting kit was met with a smile. She took the top off the oils pouring a little out on her finger where she tasted it. Then she put a little more on her finger and held it up to my lips. I darted my tongue to take the liquid from her fingers. Her finger lingered on my lips tracing them. I gently bit down on the tip then pulled it into my mouth to suck on it. She watched my movements with desire growing in her eyes before pulling it from my mouth. Her attention returned to the presents.

The lingerie was held up and inspected. Her hands running over the soft material. Then she folded each one and laid them in a stack. When they were all opened and folded she stood and took them to the dresser. Putting them away. Which was funny because most of her clothes were still scattered around the room. She came back to sit on the bed.

"Thank you." She said to her hands folded in her lap. Then she looked up at me and smiled. A gentle bittersweet twist to her lips. I reached my hand out to cup the side of face. There was a frightened lost look to her as she leaned into my hand. Her eyelashes fluttered against her cheek as she closed her eyes. I pulled her to me. My lips hesitantly met hers. We pulled away at the first contact. Looked briefly at each other before coming together again. It was sweetness like your first kiss. Several short gentle exploration of planes and curves later I traced her lips with my tongue. Hers came out to encircle the tip of mine. I deepened the kiss chasing her back into her mouth. Her hand came to hold mine that still cupped her face. Her other hand on the bed beside me keeping her upright. Our tongues explored each other. Slowly. Seductively. Her tongue reached beyond mine to enter my mouth. I followed her in letting her lead the way. She slowly inspected my mouth. Running along my teeth before finding her way back to tease my tongue. We finally broke apart as she gulped in needed oxygen.

Buffy leaned forward pressing her lips to my forehead. My head was now held in her hand. She moved so we were face to face. Her breath caressed my face.

"Always there is this." Was all she said before she got up off the bed and headed for the bathroom. Leaving me bewildered. There was never an apology. From me or from her. No words to soothe the hurt we had caused. No making up. We did like we always did. Just kept moving forward. Pretending. Hoping. Together.

While she was gone I got up and started to put her things away. Throwing the boxes and wrapping paper away. Before moving upstairs for a glass of blood. We didn't really speak for the rest of the day. Just small questions if needed. Maybe we needed the break.

As usual I gave her a ride to work that night. For some reason as she started to walk off into the Friday night din I reached my hand out to her. Holding her back.

"Don't go in. Quit. I'll take care of you." I hated Buffy like this. Prostituting her body for tips. Flirting with men not worthy of her. Taking their touches and looks in stride. I wanted to protect her from any more ugliness. She never said a word but I knew it had to bother her. It was chipping away at whatever innocence she had left.

At first I thought she would be angry at my suggestion. But she wasn't.

"I know you would." She leaned over for a kiss then turned and walked away from me. I watched her move toward the bar. Her legs long below the hem of her barely there shorts. Her back exposed below the crop top she wore. And though I couldn't see them anymore I knew her breasts were threatening to spill from the front of her top.

I threw my head back in frustration. It wasn't supposed to be this way. It was like being lost in Wonderland with a sexy Alice. I turned my bike around and headed for home. Just wanted some time to be alone. To ease my heartache. To try to make sense of this game we were playing where neither of us knew the rules.

We stayed in virtual silence through the next day and into the night until I dropped her off at work again. She had a bad night. The place had been rowdier than usual and she had a customer that wouldn't take no for an answer. Arnie had kicked out the guy but not before he left bruises on Buffy's arm. By the time that I came for her she was in a really pissy mood. I didn't say a word to her all the way home. Kept telling myself not to start anything. Just didn't want to fight at this point. Just agreed with her and tried to stay happy for her. When she went downstairs to change I fixed her a drink. Whiskey and soda the way she liked it. She was surprised as I handed her the drink and told me thank you. Then it started. The bitching. First about work then she moved onto the fact that we didn't have cable. I raised my eyebrow and gave her a funny look at that one.

Finally I gave up and went outside. Climbed up onto the roof of the crypt. I went there sometimes when I just wanted to be by myself. Watching the stars and the moon. There was no way I was going to fight with her. I was beginning to relax when a blanket came flying over the edge of the roof landing beside me. Then a pillow followed by another pillow.

"Buffy, I came out here to be alone. Do you know what the word privacy means?" I snarled at her.

"Spike, come grab the bag." I ignored her. "Please. You won't regret it."

I rolled onto my hands and knees and crawled to the edge.

"And what exactly am I not going to regret?"

She smiled as she saw me come into sight.

"Trust me." Then she held a shopping bag up for me to take. There wasn't much choice. So I reached down to take it. Peeked inside as I put it to the side. Saw the bottle of champagne and the portable CD player then she called out to me again. Her hand was up for me to help her up. I reached down and hauled her up to the roof. I stood smoking a cigarette as she set to work. Spreading the blanket out, throwing the pillows onto it, started a CD playing, and then she handed me the bottle of champagne to open. Just an hour ago she was all agitated now she seemed content. Maybe it was the whiskey?

"What changed your mood?" I asked her as I popped the cork on the bottle and handed it back to her. She didn’t answer me until we each had taken a seat on the blanket facing each other. She took a swallow of the champagne then handed it to me.

"I missed you." That was it. She missed me. It didn’t explain anything but I followed her lead and took a drink. Watching her. As she scooted toward me grabbing my feet and spreading my legs. Her eyes teasing me as she came closer. She sat between my knees with her legs over my thighs. Curling her feet until they rested against my ass. The bottle sat between us.

Buffy looked really beautiful with the moonlight shining on her hair. Even dressed in a t-shirt and a pair of ripped jean shorts. Her eyes started twinkling like she was up to some sort of mischief. She took my hand and brought it toward her.

"There’s a surprise if you can find it." I groaned as she took my hand and put it down the front of her shirt. I reached down toward her breasts as she started to giggle.

"You’re tickling me." Then my hand encountered plastic. My brows knitted together as I started to pull it out. It was the joint. Her hand covered mine and took it away from me. I watched as she took it from the bag and pulled a lighter from her shorts. She lit it and took a hit.

"You did this before." I asked as she handed it to me.

"Once before. Graduation night. When we were recruiting people to help fight the mayor one of the guys gave Xander a bag. Told him that if we were going to die we may as well die happy." She paused as I handed it back to her. "After everything was over we went and smoked. Oz showed us how."

As she talked we passed the joint back and forth.

"After we had finished we ended up at the donut shop at four in the morning. Bought like five dozen donuts and then went to Giles’s place. Scared the hell out of him. The five of pounding on his door that early. High and hungry. But he took it in stride. But the poor man had to call all our parents and tell them where we were."

As she stopped I reached out and tried to pull her closer to me. Her body warm and soft. She resisted and stayed where she was.

"Not yet, Spike. Still have a surprise for you."

"And what’s that, love?" I asked her as my hands stroked her legs. She giggled as I tickled her behind the back of her knees. Leaning forward her lips pressed to mine. The taste of champagne lingering for me.

"In a bit." We finished smoking and turned our attention to the champagne. Between sips we kissed and touched. Our hands stroking each other. There was no hurry. It just felt good for us to be here together. When we had almost killed the bottle she pulled back and reached for the hem of her t-shirt. I stopped her and whispered to her.

"Dance for me?" Her eyes flew open in surprise at my request. Then she giggled like she had a naughty little secret. Turned and crawled over to the CD player. The music for ‘Sweet Emotion’ started to play. Standing slowly she turned away from me. I laid back against the pillows. Couldn’t quite believe she was going to do this. Even with the alcohol and pot helping to lower her inhibitions. Her hips started to sway in time to the beat. Her hands ran up her body pulling her hair up. Then she stopped and laughed. Looking over her shoulder at me.

"Keep going, baby." I gave her encouragement. This was definitely not something that I wanted to stop. "Don’t be embarrassed. Just move to the music."

Buffy started to sway again. Slowly moving her t-shirt up and over her head. It landed on my face when she threw it behind her. When I pulled it off I saw that she was wearing one of my presents. A white lace cami set. It showed off the golden tone of her skin. She turned so that she was facing me again. Moving slowly to the beat toward me. Coming down on her knees she crawled over my legs up toward my stomach. Her hands pushing my shirt up. I reached out for her and she slapped my hands away.

"No touching the dancer." She told me in mock seriousness. My stomach was soon the recipient of her lips and tongue. The chills ran through my body as her tongue dipped into my belly button. Her teeth scraped across my stomach making me moan. As her hands reached for my belt I heard a noise. Looking toward the sound I saw three vampires walking toward us. Shit. They had absolutely rotten timing. Buffy had just moved to start pulling my zipper down.

"Stop." I whispered to her capturing her hands in mine.

"What? You want me to stop?." Buffy started to sit up. My hands grabbed her shoulders and held her down.

"Vampires. Coming straight at us."

She looked in the direction that I was indicating.

"Damn it."

Keeping low she crawled off of me. Moving toward one corner of the crypt. As she passed the bag she grabbed out a couple of stakes throwing one to me. She gestured toward the other end. Letting me know that was where she wanted me to go. We both hunkered down and waited until they were between us. We jumped. They were surprised as hell. Looking back and forth between us.

"So, what are you guys doing in the cemetery in the middle of the night? Does you mother know where you are?" Buffy asked them.

"Fuck you, Slayer." The leader of the group retorted at her. She giggled at him.

"Somebody was trying to and you interrupted. That wasn’t nice." She answered him. Then swung at him. He stepped back and avoided her fist.

"Yeah, you look like you were fucking." He stood there and ogled her in her half naked state. Which pissed me off.

"That is my girl you’re eyeing. And I am a jealous guy." He looked back at me where my fist connected with his face pushing him back. . Then the fight was on. Soon two of them were dust. And the third was running for his undead life. We just watched him run neither of us up to a chase. Then I looked over at Buffy. Standing there in her lacy cami and her jean shorts. I started laughing. And couldn’t stop.

"What are you laughing at?" She put her fists on her hips and demanded an answer. I just kept laughing until I fell on the ground. She walked over to me and gently kicked me on the arm.

"Stop laughing. Now!" Buffy wasn’t sure what I was laughing at. I pointed at her and she looked down at herself. Realized what she wasn’t wearing. Her face turned red.

"Exotic Slaying. You could charge for the show. Kind of like mud wrestling." Then I started laughing again. Finally she started giggling too. And came at me. I stood and backed away from her. It only antagonized her. Breaking out into a run she started to chase me. And I ran from her. We started chasing each other through the cemetery. Playing hide and seek behind the crypts and tombstones. Caught her once and tried to throw her to the ground. She squealed and yelled something about grass stains. Then started running again. We just played. Catching each other every once in awhile. Which resulted in kissing and touching.

As I came around the side of a crypt with her right behind me I almost ran into direct sunlight. The sun was coming up fast. We hadn’t even noticed the change because we were so intent on our game. Turning I ran back toward our place heading for the overhang. The shade provided me with a safe haven temporarily. Cupping my hands I helped her up to the roof where she handed the stuff down to me. She threw the blanket over my head and led me into the crypt.

It was a let down to end our play. The crypt was cool and dark. Compared to the daylight that we had just run from. She was laughing as she dropped the stuff onto the couch. When she saw me she got quiet. Maybe she could read my mind. Maybe she was beginning to understand me. I don’t know. But she came to me. Wrapped her arms around me. Standing on her tiptoes she kissed me gently. Turning she took my hand and led me to the lower level.

The bed was soft as we lay down together. Our bodies leaning into the others. Her hand running through my hair. Moving across my body to caress me. Pulled her closer to me. Her leg moved to lie across my hips.

"I wish we could stay like this forever." She whispered to me as her lips moved along my jaw.

"Me too, baby, me too."

Everything else in our lives could go to hell. We could fight. The rest of the world could hate us being together. But when it was just the two of us like this. Everything was right. And everything was good.

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Chapter 14 - Sweet Young Thing

When the knock came on the door Buffy and I looked up at each other. It was early Sunday afternoon and we sitting on the couch together. The newspaper spread out around us. Nobody ever knocked they just walked in. I guess they figured that a vampire didn't deserve any courtesy. But it was probably because Buffy was here. She deserved manners when I didn't. Shrugging her shoulders she pulled her feet off my lap and headed for the door. It was Giles. He seemed a little nervous looking around the place.

"Hello, Buffy." He hesitated a moment then looked my way. "Spike."

I nodded a greeting to him and began to gather the newspaper in a pile. Buffy led him to the chair and offered him something to drink. He sat in the chair and declined her offer.

"Is Dawn alright?" Buffy asked when he was being hesitant about saying anything. Just sat there cleaning his glasses.

"Yes, yes, Dawn is alright. I’m sorry I didn’t mean to worry you." He looked over at her. She sat on the edge of the cushion wringing her hands. A habit she had picked up lately. The first sign of her going into emotional overload. I scooted closer to her. Just enough that she could feel me there.

"What’s going on?"

"Well, I heard some things. First that you were patrolling again. I was glad to hear that." Then he stopped again. He ran his hand over his face. "Buffy, this isn’t easy to say. But I was told that you were…that you were patrolling in your underclothes."

Buffy turned to look at me in astonishment. Then her face turned bright red. She turned to look down. Looking at neither of us.

"It’s true then?" Giles asked. His voice betrayed his confusion and pain. "Is everything alright?"

"Yes, everything is fine. And it’s not like she was naked. She had shorts on and a camisole. Not like she was running around in just her knickers or something." I interrupted defending her. Giles looked over at me.

"How did you know?" Buffy looked up at him. It had only been a few hours since it had happened. And as far as we knew the only one around besides us was the vamp that got away.

Giles looked down at the floor. The conversation was apparently uncomfortable for him. This Buffy had him confused and at a loss. She just wasn’t his little girl anymore.

"Angel called me this morning." We both turned to look at him. "He apparently has been having someone watch you."

Buffy stood quickly and walked away. Keeping her back toward us. She had probably been thinking the same thing as me. Last night on the roof. The drinking, the pot, the dancing, The almost sex and finally us running around like crazy. It was just us. But to someone else it would probably look bad.

"I was also told about the drinking and the other stuff." He couldn’t even say it. But I knew that she would be mortified. "I’m sorry, Buffy. This just isn’t you and we are worried about you."

She whirled around and walked right up to him. Her anger making her shake.

"Are you in on this? Watching me. Watching us. Did you all like the show? Maybe they should be taking videos. That would be really good, wouldn’t it?"

I stood and picked up her glass of orange juice and threw it so that it shattered against the wall. They both turned to look at me. But I didn’t care. Every single fucking time we got close he was there. Between us. Every time she got a little bit happy he brought her down.

Giles turned from me back to her.

"Buffy, I didn’t know until he called me. He cares and he is worried about you being with Spike. Like we all are." He reached for her but she stepped back away from him.

"More like he’s bloody jealous." I interrupted throwing in my opinion. He couldn’t be the one in control of the girl for once and he couldn’t handle it.

"He doesn’t have the right to care anymore. He’s the one who walked away. Left me alone. Told me to stay away from Los Angeles. It was his town. You tell him to stay away from me. And from Spike or I will dust him myself." Buffy went back to sit on the couch putting her face into her hands. I started to go to her but Giles beat me to it. He sat beside her and began to rub her back. She leaned into him and started to sob.

He turned to look at me. Questioning me in silence if she was okay.

"She was. Until you showed up. You know if you blokes would leave her alone she might actually get happy again."

"By having sex with a vampire in public? Drinking, doing drugs, running around undressed? Is that your idea of being happy?" His sarcasm was thick and dripping with contempt.

"No, it wasn’t like that." She sniffed and sat up. "We were just having fun being together. Spike takes care of me."

Yeah. You tell him baby. Tell him how good I am for you and to you.

"Buffy, you need to learn to take care of yourself. You are far too old to have someone take care of you."

"Oh, is that why Angel is watching me? Because I am such a grown up." She stood up again and backed away from him.

"It’s not like that. This is getting all twisted. If it was Dawn acting like that you would be having a fit."

"She’s also sixteen. I’m twenty-one. And I am not running around. And by the way Mr. Proper you had sex with my mother on a police car. And you broke a window of a shop to steal something for her."

All of a sudden he started laughing. Buffy and I looked at each other then back at him.

"I’m sorry, Buffy. Look I don’t agree with Angel having you watched. And I told him to stop. But when you get a call before 7:00 AM on a Sunday morning and get told what I was told, you would probably be upset too."

She nodded in agreement. "Giles, talk to me. I am right here. Maybe last night wasn’t the smartest choices but I was okay."

Not the smartest choice? Maybe I was back into the disgusting category again. Who knew from one minute to the next? I sat back down and waited for my execution. I heard Giles ask Buffy to go to lunch with him to talk things over in more detail. And she agreed to go. Just great. He would have lots of time to convince her to get rid of me. She disappeared downstairs to change. Giles stood by the door and I stayed on the couch. Neither of us spoke.

A few minutes later she came back up dressed in slacks and a proper top. Nothing showing. I watched her walk across the room toward the door. Didn’t say a word to me. Then she turned around and came back to me. Sat on the table in front of me. I was leaning my arms on my knees with my head down. Her hand came under my chin and brought my head up so that I was looking at her.

"I’ll be back. I promise." I just nodded my head. The tears were fighting to spill and I was fighting them not to. She sighed because she knew I didn’t believe her.

"You don’t believe me?"

I looked up at her and shook my head. There was no intention at manipulation. Just my damn insecurity. The whole Angel thing again. The fact she didn’t love me. I closed my eyes as a tear got away and started to slide down my face. She leaned over to me and kissed me softly.

"We’ll talk later."

She stood and left with Giles. I just sat there running everything over in my head. He would talk to her and convince her to leave me. Bloody hell.

"Spike?"

I looked up and saw Dawn standing inside the door with Janice. Janice and I had met over the summer when I was spending so much time at the house.

"What are you doing here, Nibblet? Looking to get into trouble again?" Then I realized she was supposed to be grounded this weekend. "Did you sneak out of the house?"

She laughed and Janice giggled. Just what I needed to put up with was teenage girls.

"To see you. No. And No. I talked Giles into letting me go to the mall today." She then strutted into my living room with her friend right behind her. Wonderful. Another Summers female thinking she was a bad ass.

"Well, the last time I looked around this wasn’t the mall. So, why don’t you and your little friend go about your business? Before we all get into trouble."

They just came in and plopped themselves on the couch.

"Do you have any soda?" Dawn asked me looking around.

"No. But Buffy does. Why don’t you wait until she and Giles get back and ask her yourself?" I sat in my chair as she took that as consent for her to help herself. Dawn walked over to the refrigerator and grabbed two sodas.

"We brought a Monopoly game with us. Dawn says you like to play." Janice was looking at me with her eyebrows raised. Then she reached out to take the soda Dawn was holding out for her.

"No, I tolerated the game because she likes to play." Which was actually a lie. I had tolerated it at first but the game gave a thrill of power that I liked.

"Come on, Spike. Let us stay. We’ll leave before they get back. I promise." Dawn gave me this wide-eyed innocent look that Buffy used sometimes. One I couldn’t resist. She knew she had me because she squealed and broke out with a huge smile.

"Fine. Get it set up." My hide was probably gone so may as well go the whole way. And I had missed the girl while I was gone.

Just as we were sitting down Clem walked through the door.

"I brought hot wings and snacks." He hesitated as he saw the two girls. And then looked at me. I knew he was thinking that I was just a little too human these days.

"Come on in, mate. We are just getting ready to play Monopoly. Why don’t you join us?" My sarcasm was getting as thick as Giles’ was.

"Quit being mean, Spike. We just wanted to see you." Dawn tried to defend her being here.

"And to do something naughty. Give yourself a thrill on how bad you are." I retorted to her. She raised her eyebrows at me.

"And I thought we had already established that I was badder than you." She smiled that innocent smile. Her words reminding me of the time I had helped her break into the Magic Box.

"Oh, of course the little girl is absolutely evil." I turned to Janice with my eyebrows moving up and down. "She will lead you down the path of ruin. Run while you have a chance."

I had to give Clem credit because even through the comments being thrown around he came and sat down anyway. We started to choose who would do what. Clem offered to be the banker but I said no. He cheated at poker. Janice ended up being banker and the real estate person. The girl liked to have control. Dawn insisted that I be the guy on the horse. Said it was the closest to a motorcycle. Over the next few hours we played. Each of us taking a turn at having the most money. Dawn pouted when I wouldn’t give her a break on rent and she had to mortgage some property.

As she was doing a running monologue on the unfairness of it and that I didn’t love her any longer Giles and Buffy walked in.

"Dawn." They both said in unison.

"Shit." Dawn and Janice said in unison under their breaths.

The two girls stood up and faced Giles. Who did his typical response to unpleasant situations he pulled his glasses off and cleaned them.

"Giles, I’m sorry. I just wanted to spend time with Spike. We’ve been good. All we did was play a game." She tried the ‘look’ on him. Which didn’t work.

"That’s not the point. You promised that you would behave and you did the most irresponsible thing possible." He told her pointedly.

"Like the old bat is going to be traipsing through a cemetery to check up on me." We all gave her a stern look at her disrespect. "Well, I’m sorry she is. Did you talk to Buffy about my plan?" She looked from Giles to Buffy.

"What plan?" Buffy turned to Giles and asked.

"No, not yet, Dawn. It’s just not a good idea." He gave her a look to tell her to be quiet. But Dawn was never one for following orders.

"It is a good idea. If you adopt me then the social worker would be off of our backs and I could see Buffy and Spike whenever I wanted." She took a deep breath after she had finished.

"Adopt you?" Buffy looked from one to the other.

"Nibblet, I don’t think…" I started to offer my opinion as Buffy’s face went pale.

"We don’t need your opinion, Spike." Giles interrupted me.

"Yes, we do." Buffy said in an unwavering voice.

Everybody in the room turned to look at her. And waited for her to continue.

"He’s been a part of our lives for two years. He has given as much as everybody else. In some ways more. He loves me and Dawn. And I.." She looked up at me. Her eyes meeting mine. "I need him. So, whatever decisions are made concerning this family he will be included."

"Yes." Dawn shouted. Janice and Clem just stared at the crazy people. Giles just looked from one of us to the other. Buffy turned back to Giles.

"As we talked today one thing became clear to me. I need him. I’m sorry if this upsets you, Giles. I don’t mean to because you are the closest thing I have to a father now." She stopped and waited for him to respond.

"This is all great but what about my idea." Dawn tried to pull the attention back to her.

"Not now, Dawn. You and Janice go wait in the car. Now." He added the last because they hesitated to move. But finally they did. "Buffy, I don’t know what to say."

"That you will respect my decision."

Giles wiped his hand over his mouth.

"Buffy, I don’t know what to say. I thought things would go differently after this afternoon. But I guess I am wrong. You are the one that has to live with your decisions. Just know that as long as you are living here with him you won’t get Dawn back." And with that he turned and left. Buffy closed the door behind him.

I was in shock. Just stood there not saying or doing anything. She came to me and wrapped her arms around me. Burying her face in my shoulder. I hugged her back turning us in circles. The elation was finally coursing through me. Even if she hadn’t said the words she had made a stand in front of Giles and Dawn. She wasn’t going to leave me!

Buffy tapped me on the shoulder and I pulled back from her. She pointed at Clem.

"Buffy, you remember Clem, don’t you? From the poker game right before I left."

"Oh, yeah. Hi, Clem."

When he was going to leave Buffy told him to stay. That he didn’t have to leave on her account. We picked up the game and put everything away. I went to the television and tried to find something to watch. Nothing was coming in.

"That does it. Is it dark yet?" Buffy stood and made her way to the door. When she saw that the sun was setting she told me and Clem to come on.

"Where we going, pet?"

"To go rent movies."

"Ummm, no VCR."

"Are you going to stand there all night shooting down my every idea? Or are we going to go scare up some entertainment?"

Clem and I looked at each other and shrugged our shoulders. Then we followed her out. In Sunnydale there are certain establishments that demons are welcomed. We stopped first at a video rental place that Clem had a membership. He and I picked out a movie about amateur car racing. She picked out a romantic comedy. Clem looked at me in apprehension but I promised we would watch her movie last. As we were checking out Buffy and Clem loaded up on snacks. Popcorn, chocolate, gummy bears and lollipops. I reminded Buffy that we didn’t have a microwave either she just raised an eyebrow at me and called me a party pooper. After we left there we headed for a pawnshop where we bought a VCR and microwave. Walking home we looked like looters or something. What with Clem carrying the VCR, me carrying the microwave and Buffy carrying the bags.

Once we reached the crypt Clem and I got the VCR hooked up while Buffy started popping corn. After the snacks were passed around we settled down to watch the movies. Clem was excited because I gave up my chair to him. But that was because I wanted to cuddle with Buffy on the couch. I thought she would hate the movie we picked out. But she rambled on about who cute the guys were and how much she liked the cars. I finally shut her up with a kiss. Then told her to watch the movie. When it was over Clem feigned tiredness to get out of watching her movie. We just laughed at him because we knew what he was up to.

As soon as he left I backed Buffy up to the door. Reaching down I grabbed her legs so she would wrap them around me. She looked at me in surprise but before she could ask what was up. I kissed her. Possessively. With all the love I had for her.

"Did you mean what you said? About needing me and the family bit?" If she said no I would probably kill her. I had been waiting all night to ask her. And my nerves were pulled as tight as they could go.

Her hands held my face. Then her voice soft and filled with emotion whispered one word that made me want to explode with happiness.

"Yes."

Chapter 15 - I'll Stand By You Oh, Why you look so sad? Tears are in your eyes Come on and come to me now Don't be ashamed to cry Let me see you through 'Cause I've seen the dark side too When the night falls on you You don't know what to do Nothing you confess Could make me love you less I'll stand by you I'll stand by you Won't let nobody hurt you I'll stand by you

The Pretenders



Buffy's hands moved across my back. Kneading. Massaging. Stroking. Working across muscles and flesh. Her legs spread on either side of my ass. Her long golden hair tickled my skin. I lay languid beneath her ministrations. There was no want or need. No fear or doubt. She was mine by her own word. She bent closer to me. Her tongue follows the path between my shoulder blades. Knowing this sends chills through my body. Her hands move to my shoulders and neck. Sliding further along me. I can feel the curls of her sex feather across my lower back. She makes no sound as she sends me on a trip through heaven. Finally unable to stand anymore I turn beneath her. A smile crosses her face as I take her by the hips. Leading her down to me. As soft as a whisper she lowers herself on to my hard need. Taking me into her heat. Slowly. Letting the warmth encompass me as I begin to tremble from the emotions she gives me.

Her fingers entwine with mine as she lowers herself to lie on my chest. Listening for a heartbeat that wasn't there. Our arms stretch out across the bed. Slowly she lifts each leg laying them on mine. Her feet resting against mine. Pushing against them she begins to rock us. Our flesh rubbing together creates such sweet friction. Her sighs echoed mine. My hands move from hers to caress the valleys of her back and bottom. One hand moves to run through the soft silkiness of her hair. Her hands moved down my sides to grip my hips. Giving her more leverage to move against me. The entire world had disappeared giving way to the power of our joining. I whisper to her of my love. She gently kisses my chest. The tip of her tongue encircles my nipple. Nipping at it. Then sucking at it like a baby. I arch up into her mouth. I need more than she is giving me. Reaching down I pulled her legs up so she was straddling me.

She sat up and grinds down onto me taking me as far into her as possible. Throwing her head back as a groan rips through her. I brought my knees up so that I can push up with my feet. So, I can push deeper into her sweetness. She begins to move against me. I bring my hands to hers again. Holding on she leans forward on them. We began to move faster pushing for more sensation. She closes her eyes as she begins to shudder in her climax. I watch the pleasure play across her features. Then her eyes open to meet mine as she begins to squeeze me. Sliding slowly against me. A wicked grin crosses her face and she bends down. Her face nuzzling my neck. Then as I strive for release she bites into my neck. Breaking the skin sending me screaming into my own orgasm. I shudder releasing my seed into her waiting depths. I feel like I am falling through space as she cuddles against me.

Before I am fully able to recover she pulls away and crawls from our bed. It is Tuesday and Xander will be here within the hour to pick her. I watch as she gathers her schoolgirl outfit and heads for the bathroom. Buffy doesn't even look my way as she leaves the room. I had been woken up by her kisses and a request for me to make her feel good. Her requests were my demands. Whatever I could to make her happy. Anything to keep her close to me.

There was only a quick kiss and a hurried good-by before she left with Xander. It was time to get up and face the day. I took a quick shower and after pulling on a pair of jeans I headed upstairs. As I came to the top level I saw Giles sitting on the couch. He watched as I walked by him and went to get my morning blood. I popped the mug into the new microwave to warm it up. After it was ready I went to sit in my chair.

"She's not here. Therefore there is no reason for you to be." I told him without looking at him. As far as I was concerned he could stay away permanently. I sure as hell didn't want to listen to him list all the reasons that Buffy and I shouldn't be together.

"We need to talk, Spike."

"No, you feel a need to tell me why Buffy shouldn't be here. And I don't want to listen."

But he felt that I should listen anyway. He sighed and leaned forward.

"I tried to talk to Buffy yesterday. And the glutton for punishment that I am I will try to talk to you today."

I snorted and then laughed. Typical. Spike gets the lecture.

"After I got home last night I tried to see the good in this relationship. And I can't find it. I realize that Buffy thinks she needs you. And that you think you love her."

"What do you mean think? I do love her. I grieved as much as the rest of you when she died. Not that the sodding lot of you noticed." Why couldn't these idiots realize that Buffy was my heart? My reason for being.

"All right, you love her." He told me patronizing me with his words. "But Spike if you love her then do the right thing. Let her go."

"And you think that by me leaving her or kicking her out that she is going to suddenly be happy again. She has lost a lot of people and has had to deal with a lot of hurt. So, gee, let's take away one more person. That will do her a lot of bloody good." I turned to look at him finally. His eyes met mine.

"You are not a person. You are a soulless vampire. She is a human girl. What can you offer her? Not marriage. Not children. Not security. She is living in a fucking crypt because of you. Doing god knows what to her body. The drinking. The drugs." He stood as his temper began to take control. I stood to meet him face on. He was a father desperate in his need to protect his daughter. Typical in the fact that he couldn't face her being a sexual being or able to make her own decisions.

"I love her. I take care of her. I am here for her. And that is more than you. You took everything away from her after setting impossible standards for her to live up to." I shouted at him.

"She is dependent on you. It's not love. And you are a fool if you think it is." His voice was as loud as mine. He turned to sit again. But his words had found their mark.

"I wouldn't hurt her. And maybe she doesn't love me now. But she will. Damn it she will. And she's a Slayer. She's not like other women. We'll find a way." I sat down as I started to sob. Hating that he would see that side of me. "I won't lose her again. She wants to be with me." All of a sudden I felt a hand on the back of my head. Then it moved to rest on my shoulder. Squeezing it in a comforting gesture. I looked up at him in surprise.

"I know, Spike. I know."

He moved his hand and sat back again leaning his head against the back of the couch.

"I've tried to make this your fault. She has had problems since they brought her back. They messed with magicks that should never have been touched." He stopped to look at me. "Don't get me wrong I'm glad that she is back. But she hasn't been able to cope since. And when you left she fell apart completely."

I lit a cigarette and offered him one. Surprising me when he did. After he took a deep drag he continued.

"Ever since last year she has become more dependent on you. But I've seen the relationship developing ever since you got the chip though. Believe me I hate it. I want only the best for her."

"And you don't think it's me."

"When you first got chipped I used to think there may have a been a higher purpose to it all. But you weren't interested in anything but Buffy." He paused and flicked his ashes into the tray on the table. "You have no interest in changing. You're content to remain as you are."

"Then you weren't paying as much attention as you should have, Watcher."

He looked at me questioningly but I didn't elaborate. If he didn't want to know before why should he now? He rose after putting his cigarette out.

"Spike, think about it. Think about her. If you want to talk more let me know. Okay?" He looked down at me waiting for some response. I shrugged my shoulders.

"When you accept that I will always be in Buffy's future call me."

He turned and left. For some reason I felt that we had almost reached a truce. I understood what he was saying. But things weren't always going to be like this. Things would change when she was stronger. Until then I could handle her. After living with Dru's insanity for a century I could certainly cope with Buffy's mood swings.

When she came back through the door I could feel the tension radiating through her. Without a word she headed straight away to fix a drink. I watched as she drained half the glass in one gulp then refilled it. I immediately tensed up waiting for which direction this was going to head. Would she turn to me for comfort? Or would I be the enemy? I relaxed as she came to sit beside me on the couch. Leaning into me. I kissed her head resting on my shoulder.

"Bad visit?" Buffy nodded sitting up so that she could take another drink. I took the cup from her and put it on the table. It wouldn't be good for her to go to work that night drunk. Then I asked her if she wanted to talk about it.

"Later, okay? I'm going to go and take a nap before I have to get ready for work. Come with me?" I took the hand she offered and followed her down. Did she really want to sleep for a while or was she looking for more sex? Either one was okay with me. But it was sleep that she wanted. She slept holding onto me. I just held her while she drifted off. Finally I followed her in to oblivion.

Unfortunately, neither of us thought to set the alarm. And we overslept. By the time we woke she had less than hour to get to work. It was one of those times the more you hurry the more goes wrong. She smeared eyeliner across her cheek. A button popped on the shorts she was going to wear. She ripped them off of her. By the time that her hair wouldn't stay the way she wanted she was furious. Everything on the dresser got swept onto the floor. She gave up and left her hair down. I followed her as quietly as I could. Didn't say a damn word to her as she was hurrying around. Finally she was ready with ten minutes to get to work. I drove as fast as I could almost laying the bike down going around the curves. We were lucky I was able to keep control. She was still five minutes late and pissed about that too. Buffy ran into The Edge without a good-bye. It was fine. A good time to be invisible guy.

After I left her I ended up going to visit Anya at the Magic Box. Yeah, I know it was a really stupid thing to do. But Clem was busy and I just wanted to be somewhere I could relax. Nothing happened. Even though it sometimes crossed my mind I wasn't that stupid yet. We ended leaving the shop after she closed it down and going to the coffee place down the street. She told me about her and Xander's date over the weekend. He was trying to be there for her. I had to give him that at least. And she seemed to be happy that they were working it out. Nothing special happened. Just talk. I took her home again and left to get Buffy. There was time to kill so I went in.

I didn't try to talk to her or anything. Just kept myself at the bar waiting. But she noticed me sitting there and came over to me. She had a beer in one hand that she was taking to a customer. She told me hello, then her eyes went into slits as she smelled Anya on me again. The beer ended up all over me.

"You fucking bastard." She snarled at me before she walked off. Arnie was laughing his head off as he handed me some paper towels.

"Man, if you're going to screw around on her at least go home and change before picking her up." I looked at Arnie like he was crazy. Then I turned my attention to getting some of the beer off of me.

"I'm not cheating on her."

"Yeah, that's what they all say."

Throwing my head back in frustration. Why couldn't things just stay calm for a while? It was constantly back and forth. Extremes. There didn't seem to be happy middle. Not for us anyway. The ride home was made in silence. When we got home she announced she was going to take a bath and walked off. I went to get out of the clothes that I was wearing. Then I remembered I had taken the towels out of the bathroom that afternoon. She would need more.

There was no sound coming from the bathroom. No water running. I made it all the way to the door before she heard me. Her eyes looked up at me in fear. I looked down and felt that fear snake through my belly. She was sitting naked on the toilet seat. Her legs spread and a knife in her hand. There was a series of small cuts on the inside of her upper thighs. Where they wouldn't show when she was wearing shorts. From time to time I had noticed scratches and cuts on her. Even with what had happened the other night I didn't think anything of it.

"Buffy?" I stepped into the bathroom holding my hand out for the knife. She dutifully laid it in my palm. She put her arms in front of her and turned her head away from me. I slid down the wall to sit with my legs in front of me. "What's going on, baby?"

Her body heaved with a sob.

"It hurts, Spike. All the time. Inside. It won't stop." She turned to me with haunted eyes. It was almost worse than before. "I just want it to stop."

"Does this help?" I gestured toward her cuts.

"Yes. It makes it stop for a little while. I can be in control again. Don't hate me too. Please?" My eyes met hers in surprise. How could she think that? I held my arms out to her. She came to me wrapping her arms around my neck. Her legs straddling me. I held her while cried. Stroking her. She pulled back and began to kiss me. Quickly. Her tongue demanding attention. Buffy scooted back. Her hands undoing my belt and pants. Then stroking me until I was ready for her. It was like I wasn't even there.

"This takes the pain away too."

Her eyes closed me as she sank down on me. They stayed closed even when she took my hand and put it between her legs. I stroked her clit the way I knew she liked it. After she came she finally looked at me.

"What can I do?" Well, at least she had noticed that I hadn't been a participant. I shook my head and started to move away from her.

"Take your bath, Buffy." She stood and began to run the water.

"Stay with me."

I stayed. Like I promised. Unconditional. Doing whatever to try to make her happy again. Even when I realized that sex with me was like the cutting. A way to stop the pain. Even if for a little while. A way to escape without dealing. Yes, she needed me. Even making me a part of the family was a symptom. If I was involved in the decisions. Then she could let me make them. Another way to avoid. Everything she had done since I had left was her way of running away.

I hated to say it. But Giles was right. It wasn't love.

After the bath was full we lay in the warm water. With Buffy lying between my legs nestled against my chest. My arms resting on the sides of the tub while she washed herself and what she could reach of me. I kept my eyes closed leaning my head against the wall.

"I'm sorry, Spike." She turned her head to see me. "I know you didn't do anything with Anya." She rubbed her nose against the side of my jaw. She was so soft and warm. The steam dampening the hair around her face. "And for the other." She nipped me. When I didn't respond to her she turned and leaned against me again. My hands were soon entwined with hers.

"You hurt me, Buffy. I'm trying so hard to love you. To make you happy." I laid my cheek against her hair. Wanting to get lost somehow.

"I know you do." She pulled forward away from me. Bringing her knees up and wrapping her arms around her legs. "I want to be happy. But I can't remember how. I can't remember even a time that I was really happy. The closest I have come is being here with you."

Leaning forward I wrapped my arms around her middle and pulled her back against me. She started to talk to me. How Dawn was pushing for the adoption. That it made her feel even more like a failure. About how Giles yesterday kept bringing up her duties. How Xander made her feel like a whore for being with me. About how she was jealous of Anya. Even though her world had fallen apart she was still able to be strong. How she missed being in college. That she still missed her mom. Why did everyone leave her? That no one could see inside of her. See the darkness and still love her.

Everything just poured out of her. We stayed in the bath till the water was cold. Until she had let everything out. We dried each other off and made our way upstairs. We lay in the bed facing each other. She told me how she was so cold inside. About how she missed the place she had been.

I just listened to her. Telling her that I would help her anyway I could. That I would never leave her alone. I watched her finally go to sleep. Waited until she sought me out in her slumber. I held her close as for the first time since I was a man that I prayed. To who or to what I didn't know. Did the forces of good even listen to a vampire? I tried anyway for her.

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Chapter 16 - Bleed to Love Her

Buffy became more pensive after that day. Sometimes she would talk about getting Dawn back. Making plans about getting a different job. Getting an apartment for the three of us to live in. But when I gently told her that I couldn’t live with them. The state would never allow it. She panicked and said that it would get worked out. But her talk never came to fruition. It withered and died as she went through her daily routines. She had almost lost that shield that she had worn when I first came back. Her defiance was disappearing. Buffy was vulnerable and almost defenseless. Lost on the whims of her emotions. It hurt so much to watch her at times.

We went out patrolling a couple of nights later right after she had gotten off of work. There was an air of apprehension surrounding us. This was no random looking for vampires or demons. She was on the hunt. As we wandered closer to the bars and establishments that catered to demons I tried to get her to turn back. She looked at me and told me if I was scared to go home. I followed her right into a nest of demons. They were out of towners. Probably here to hook up with other unsavory characters and start trouble. We took to fighting. But we were outnumbered five to two. Buffy killed one as soon as we walked in. His back had been to us and she just went for it. After I had taken one out I turned to check on Buffy. My heart froze as I saw her being thrown to the ground by one. His claws reached out and ripped her belly. There was no decision I just flew across the room vamping out on the way. My growl echoed around the room as I grabbed him before he could swing at her again. I didn’t just break his neck. I ripped his head right off his body. Flinging it across the room. The last two standing took one look at my rage and ran.

Buffy lay so still. Her breathing was shallow as the blood poured from her wounds. After pulling my duster off I took my t-shirt off and pressed it to the worst of the lot. She opened her eyes and as I looked into the green depths I knew.

"Don’t you dare leave me again." I choked out to her.

She just closed her eyes again. This was what she had been looking for. A fight she couldn’t win. I gathered her to me and carried her home. After I had cleaned her up as much as I could. Ebbing the flow of blood. She was still so pale. I called Tara explained everything quickly and asked her for help.

"Spike?" Buffy reached out and laid a cold hand on my arm.

"Yeah, love?"

"Thirsty."

Bringing back a glass of water for her I helped her to take a few sips. I held her hand until Tara came. But she had brought help. Right behind her was Willow and Giles. There was a questioning look in their eyes when they still saw me in vampire mode. The smell of blood was everywhere and the demon was demanding to feed. Only by intense concentration was I able to focus on anything besides the blood lust.

After they had discerned what kind of demon had hurt her. They sent me to the Magic Box to get some herbs. Once I was back with their requests they made a salve to put on her wounds.

"She’ll be better by morning." Tara told me gently. She placed her hand on my forearm and squeezed. Trying to reassure me that everything was going to be okay. I nodded at her. After Buffy had gone to sleep we went upstairs.

"What happened?" Giles asked me worriedly.

"We were outnumbered." I said simply. Left out the part of Buffy jumping in without thought. Or the fact I knew that this was what she was looking for.

"Then why in, bloody hell, did you let her go in?"

I looked at him with such sadness. I wanted to run to him and tell him he was right. Buffy needed more than me. But I didn’t.

"Spike, are you okay?"

It was Willow that asked.

"Yeah." I didn’t realize it but I was trembling. My whole body was shaking from the aftermath of almost failing Buffy again.

I looked up at Giles.

"Buffy doesn’t listen to me as much as you think. It was a mistake."

"A mistake that almost cost her life again." He reminded me pushing the knife deeper into my heart.

"Were you all drinking or something else before you went out there?" He apparently thought we were totally irresponsible. And I felt like a sixteen-year-old boy being interrogated by his girlfriend’s father.

"No, sir." My sarcasm came out almost like a whimper. Suddenly needing to sit I went to the couch. Sinking on its leathered surface before my legs gave out. "We just went patrolling and misjudged the situation. As much as you think that I am trying to hurt her I would die first."

The three of them looked at each other. Then back at me.

"Spike, I don’t think you are intentionally trying to hurt her. If I thought that you would be dust by now. Being who you are I don’t think you can help it though."

He took a deep breath and then sighed. Looking at the girls he said it was time to go. Tara gave me some last instructions for dealing with the wounds. I nodded that I understood and watched them leave.

For the rest of the night I watched her. Checking for a fever or other signs of infection. Finally I fell asleep with my hand clasped in hers.

The next night she insisted on going to work. The rips on her stomach had developed scar tissue. For the first time she had to wear a shirt that covered her stomach to work. After she was ready I pulled her to me lifting the hem of her shirt. Gently I ran my finger over her belly. Kissing her softly on an unaffected area.

"You could have died, pet." It was stating the obvious but I was hoping that maybe it would open something up. Buffy started running her fingers through my hair.

"But I didn't. It's okay now. Everything’s alright." She crooned to me. I stood up still holding onto her waist. Her hands linked behind my neck.

"Is it?" I asked her.

"It will be. As long as you’re here."

We just stood and held each other for a few minutes. Giving each other comfort. I pulled back and kissed her forehead. It was time to leave to take her to work.

I hesitated before knocking on the door. The odds were pretty good that I would be blowing in the wind in a few moments but I was willing to take a chance. Taking an unneeded deep breath I finally laid my knuckles on the wood.

"You are either very brave or very stupid for coming here." Xander said after he opened the door and found me standing there.

"Just trying to do my civic duty." I answered him ready to take flight at the first sign of a stake.

"You? Civic duty? I guess stupid it is." He took a step toward me. And as I backed away I told him I was here because of Buffy.

"What did you do to her now? I heard how you almost got her killed."

"Not my choice, mate. But I’m glad you know one version of the truth from the other night."

He had stopped and I guess he was waiting for an explanation.

"Look those demons weren’t from around here. They came here for a reason and two of them got away. I plan on looking for them. You coming? Or are you going to stay?" I was telling him the truth. And even as bad as an idea as this looked, a little back up might come in handy. As he hesitated I raised an eyebrow at him. Just to let him know I didn’t have all day.

"I’m in." He grabbed his jacket and we were off. The first stop was Willie’s. Everyone stopped and looked at us as we came in. I headed straight for the bar. Willie turned and tried to make it to the back room. But we were on his heels. Xander impressed me as he took him by the throat and put him against the wall while I asked the questions. Of course at first he didn’t say anything. But with a little persuasion he told us the demons had come to Sunnydale at the request of some humans. He swore he didn’t know who they were. Xander looked at me and I told him to let him go. Willie had told us all he could.

As we left Xander and I started talking about who might have hired them. After a few ideas were thrown back and forth we figured it was probably whoever had been torturing Buffy when she had first come back. They hadn’t shown their face in awhile. When Buffy had taken time off from Slayer duties they must have figured she wasn’t a threat. But now that she was back in action they wanted her out of the way.

We started looking for Clem. He probably knew more than he told me the other night. We caught up with him at his place. After I told him the whole story he reluctantly told me about three guys who had been stirring up trouble. He said they had taken up residence in an old abandoned shop near where Buffy and I had found the demons.

The place looked deserted from the outside. We broke in through the roof lowering ourselves to the floor. There was nothing in the main area except dust. But we hit the mother load in the back room. Somebody had obviously been living there. There were couches. And desks set up with computers and other technical shit. But there were also a lot of magic supplies lying around too.

"Spike, look at this baby." Xander was holding the diamond that had been stolen from the museum. It had been lying next to some kind of gun on one of the worktables.

"This would give us a little trip to easy street." I took it from his hand and held it up to the light. Watching it sparkle.

"Now, what do we do?" He asked me as I handed it back to him.

"We call the police." I turned to start making my way out. "By the way if I was you I would wipe my fingerprints off of that." He frantically started to do just that. Holding it by his shirttail he laid it back on the table. I just laughed at him. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything and let him get arrested for being an accessory. Nah, too easy and Buffy would never forgive me.

As he followed me up on the roof again he asked why call the police. Why didn't we just take care of them ourselves? I turned to look at him patiently.

"Because they’re human. I can’t touch them. And you can’t take the law into your own hands without going to jail yourself."

I led the way across the street and took up a spot on top of a warehouse across the street. We waited there until they returned. My eyes flew open with surprise as I saw the guy who had built the Buffy bot go into the alley with two other guys.

"It’s Jonathan." Xander exclaimed pointing to the smallest guy.

"Who?" I had no clue who that was.

"We went to school with him." He explained.

But by that time I was dialing 911 on the cell phone. After giving them a story and telling them to hurry. Xander and I sat back to watch the show. The cops came. The equipment was hauled away and the three were arrested. It was great. Easiest fight of evil I had ever done. Didn’t even have to lay a hand on them.

There was still the issue of the demons to deal with. We headed back to Willie’s. I walked in the door and made an announcement. That the humans were arrested and that any demon associated with them would be killed. As I was talking a couple of demons started to make their way out the back door. Satisfied that anyone involved would be leaving town shortly. I turned to leave. As Xander and I parted ways he gave me a little warning of his own.

"Look, this does not make everything okay. Just so you know I still don't like what's going on." Then he turned and walked off. I watched his departing back for a minute then called out a thanks for the help. He just raised his hand and waved. Never looking back. It was okay though. Even working with him again was like a step back to the way it used to be. Like the universe was realigning itself to the way it should be. Even his insults and warning was comfortable. Just normal behavior for Xander.

When I told Buffy about it that night. She looked at me like I had totally gone around the bend.

"You and Xander went patrolling? Together? And you caught who?"

So, I told her the story again. I don’t think she believed everything till she watched in on the news the next day. As we watching the news report she just kept looking from me to the screen.

"What, pet?" As she looked at me again.

"You went to Xander and the two of you figured this out?"

"Yeah, is something wrong with that?" I sure as hell didn’t see anything in it. It was just taking care of business. Taking care of her.

She came to sit in my lap wrapping her arms around me.

"I’m proud of you that’s all." Then she kissed me on the cheek. It made me feel weird inside. Her being proud of me. I guess there is a first time for everything.

Time After Time

Chapter 17 - Time After Time

If you’re lost you can look and you will find me
Time after Time
If you fall I will catch you I’ll be waiting
Time after Time
Cyndi Lauper


We hadn’t made love since that night in the bathroom. She hadn’t approached me and I hadn’t approached her. Realizing that you are about as useful as a vibrator does something to a guy’s ego. In a lot a way I knew I was more than that even if she didn’t. It was the whole package really. But still I was a way to stop the pain. It wasn’t that she loved Spike touching her. It was what Spike did to her that she loved. And if I am honest with myself I know that there were times when it was more. Where her touch was different. Times her kisses were almost loving. Those things I clung to. Because I also knew as long as I was here she wasn’t going anywhere. At least until she decided she didn’t need me anymore. That she was as strong as everyone told her she was.

It was early on a Friday morning when I woke to the smell of blood. Faint but undeniable the sweet coppery smell of blood was in the air. I opened my eyes and sniffed. Just to make sure. Buffy was asleep on her back beside me. The scent was coming from her. The first thought that crossed my mind was that somehow the wounds on her stomach had reopened. I pulled back the sheet to look. But her stomach was fine. Then I saw it the small bead of moisture perched on her curls. I dropped back down onto the bed with a groan. Buffy had started her period. I lay there for a while debating. Kept telling myself to wake her up or to go upstairs. But I hadn’t been with her for a while so I gave in. The temptation was too great.

I moved to the end of the bed and came back up between her legs. Separating them so I could lie between them. I looked up to make sure she was still asleep. The last time I had woken her up in a sexual situation I had been bitch slapped. She snored softly and shifted. Opening her legs even more for me. Finally the scent teasing my nostrils told me to just go for it. It took just a moment or two for Buffy to wake up.

“Spike? Oh, God, Spike.” She groaned and tilted her hips bringing them closer to me. Then I guess it dawned on her that she had started because she sat up and pulled away from me.

“Stop. Oh, my God, that is so gross!” She pulled the sheet back over her. I pulled myself up until I was kneeling on the end of the bed.

“It is not gross. I’m a vampire and it’s blood. And it’s not like you’ve complained before when I’ve gone down on you.” My defense was totally logical to me.

Buffy sat and looked at me. Didn’t say another word. But what I said was running through her head. I advanced on her again. Took her ankles in my hands and pulled her down again. Crawled back between them. She didn’t protest again. Being a vampire has definite advantages. I didn’t have to come up for air. It wasn’t until almost an hour later that she finally pushed me off of her. Buffy took off to take a shower and left me lying on the bed with a goofy grin on my face. I had found nirvana. Sex and blood. Two of my favorite things all wrapped up in a pretty little package called Buffy Summers.

But somebody still wanted to be taken care of. So, I followed Buffy up to the shower. As I walked down the hallway I started to call to her.

“Slayer, little Slayer, where are you? Buffy, Buffy, come out, come out wherever you are.” I was calling to her like you would a loved pet. As I walked into the bathroom she peeked out from behind the shower curtain.

“You okay, Spike?’ She asked me with a seductive smile on her face.

“Did you know that Slayer blood is an aphrodisiac?” I kept walking closer to her.

“And did you know that you are full of it?” She started to pull the curtain around her again but I grabbed the edge and started to climb in with her.

“I’m not but you will be in just a second.” I whispered in her ear as I pulled her to me. She gave a little yelp as I lifted her to the wall. The she started to giggle as I nuzzled her neck.

“I’ve missed you touching me. I’ve missed this so much.” She groaned as my mouth settled on her nipple. Her fingernails dug into my back. And we slipped back together. It didn’t matter why. I just wanted to be with her.

Eventually we made it back to our bed. She lay on her stomach with her face turned toward me. Her hand rested on my stomach as I lay on my back smoking. She lazily traced trails across my flesh with her fingernails. Her breath was soft and easy as she slipped between sleep and wakefulness.

“I don’t think I have ever felt so good before in my life.” She whispered to me. If it weren’t for my sensitive hearing I wouldn’t have heard her at all. Smiling I brushed her hair back off her face.

“Thank you, pet.”

She giggled and moved closer to me laying her head where her hand once was. Her hand moved down to rest on my thigh.

“You ready for more?” I asked her flirtatiously as I put my cigarette out.

“Mmm, just hold me right now. I love it when I am in your arms.” She shifted closer to me as I slid down to hold her.

I woke a while later to Buffy talking on the phone. She must have been talking to one of the gang because she was telling them that she would meet them later and that she would check with Willow when she called back. I laid a hand on her back to let her know that I was awake. After saying goodbye she turned to kiss me.

“Do you want to go out tonight?” She was leaning on one elbow and running her fingers down my arm. Slowly tickling me in the process. My skin developed goose bumps in her wake.

“Don’t you have to work?” It was Friday and she normally worked the weekends.

“I don’t have to work tonight or tomorrow night.” She turned away from me and then said in one breath. “I’m working a private party on Sunday.’

“You’re working a what?” I was fully awake now. A private party did not sound good. She tried to get off the bed but I was holding onto her hand.

“Spike, I’m working a private party. It’s no big deal. Really.”

“If it’s not a big deal why didn’t you tell me before?”

“Because I knew you would react like this. You don’t like me working at The Edge as it is.” She turned back to me. “It’s just some animal lodge thing. Once a month they rent out the bar during the afternoon and have this lunch thing.”

“And what exactly do you have to do during this party?” My voice came out low and guttural. Buffy was right I didn’t like the sound of this at all. If she had to do anything besides serve them food and drink I would tie her to the bed before I let her leave.

She rolled her eyes at my question.

“First of all it’s my decision what I do. And I am going to do this party.” It’s like she was reading my mind and didn’t like what I thinking at all. “I can make more money in one afternoon than I can all weekend. And all I have to do is serve.”

“That’s it?” But it didn’t make sense for her to make that much money from one party of drunken middle class working stiffs then from the usual customers at the bar.

“Yeah, just serve. I make a flat rate from the lodge itself. Then whatever tips they give me. So, quit acting jealous and relax.” She leaned over laying a hand on my chest and gently nipped my earlobe. Just as I went to kiss her the cell phone rang.

She picked it up. It was Willow calling her back. After a few brief words she looked up at me.

“So, do you want to go out with the gang tonight?” Buffy looked at me with that look. Pleading and innocent. I just nodded my head at her. Didn’t know how this was going to turn out but was willing to give it a shot for her. This was the first time in a while that they were all planning on meeting up together. And It would be good for her to get closer to her friends again. And in a way this was what I had wanted for a while now. To be a part of them. With Buffy by my side.

When we got there the others were already there. Just hanging out and talking. As we walked toward them Buffy grabbed my hand and pulled me along.

“Hi guys.”

There was all this small talk at first. Then the girls walked off to get drinks for us leaving Xander and me alone. I asked if he wanted to play pool and he agreed. There was tension between us, but maybe because it was the atmosphere or whatever but it wasn’t too bad. After I made a shot I heard the girls laughing and looked up at them. They were grouped together the way women do. Looking at us. Laughing.

“They’re talking about us.” I informed him.

Xander looked in their direction.

“Yes, they are. And I have a feeling we don’t want to know what they’re saying.” We stood there and looked back at them. I could make out words that I didn’t want to hear. Bed. Sex. Lasting. Then Buffy looked at me and realized I could hear them. She started to blush. Then told the other girls to hush as they made their way back to us.

We just hung out for a while. Playing pool and talking. Just usual hanging out bullshit. I pretty much just listened. Was trying to find out if it was different now. If I was now accepted or if I was still just the evil demon. But in a lot of ways I was glad that the others were coming together again. Anya and Xander. Tara and Willow. Working out their problems and being able to be with Buffy again. Maybe this would make her want to get better again.

Later the others made their way to the dance floor. I stayed behind and watched them. Sat on one of the couches. Anya returned after a few minutes and sat next to me.

“You’re uncomfortable tonight, aren’t you?” I looked over at her and then back out to the others.

“Yeah, I guess you could say that.” They were more accepting of me but it was because Buffy brought me not that they thought I was okay. I started to twirl my almost empty cup of beer.

“Humans they really are silly?” I turned to meet her gaze. Sometimes I forgot that she used to be a vengeance demon.

“Sometimes.”

“Then you fall in love with one and you want to be silly just like they are. And then somewhere along the way you forget who you are.”

She was telling it like it was. The way I was feeling.

“We forget how destroying them can feel so good. The power we used to wield. The evil we could do.” Anya looked at me with sympathy in her eyes.

“Do you ever regret it? Not being a demon anymore.” I wanted to know if there was any future to this. A way to make peace with going soft.

“The only time I really wanted to go back was when he left me at the alter. It hurt so much and I wanted him to hurt as much as me.” She looked out at him and got that silly love look on her face. “But no I don’t regret it.”

I guess Xander saw us sitting there and talking because he started to make his way toward us.

“So, what are you two up to?” He asked standing above us. Looking first at her then at me.

“Just talking, mate. Don’t get your knickers in a twist.” I took another sip of my beer and ignored him.

Anya stood and put her hand on his arm.

“Xander, it’s okay. We were just talking like he said.” She was trying to soothe him before he got upset.

“Well, don’t get any ideas about Anya or I will stake you myself.” Xander leaned over me trying to threaten me.

And I just couldn’t help myself. He made it so easy to make fun of him sometimes. I opened my legs a little farther resting a hand on the inside of my thigh. Slowly starting at his feet I let my eyes wander up until I met his eyes.

“So, you want to stake me? I didn’t know you were that kind.” Then I ran my tongue over my lips.

It was great. His eyes opened wide and took about three steps back. Before he could say or do anything Anya grabbed his arm and pulled him out to the dance floor. As they were leaving she looked over her shoulder at me mouthing 'You are so bad' to me. I just kept smiling. He’d recover.

Buffy, Willow and Tara were making their way back. Buffy was swaying a little on her feet. She had started to drink before we left home and had been steadily drinking since we got here. When they reached us Buffy came to sit on the armrest next to me. Willow and Tara sat on a chair next to the couch.

“So, are you two having fun?” I directed my question to the birds. Interrupted them as they were gazing into each other’s eyes. Tara turned startled eyes toward me.

“Yes, I’m…we’re having fun.” Her hand became entangled with Willows. “And you Spike? Are you having fun?”

“Loads.” I didn’t elaborate as Buffy was kissing me on my cheek.

“Would you get me another drink? Please?” She was nuzzling on my neck as her hand caressed my chest. I knew that if I didn’t she would go herself. Kissed her quickly and then headed for the bar.

As I headed away from her I heard her tell the girls how well trained I was. Bothered me for a second but I just let it go. Wasn’t worth it right now.

Ordered another cola and whiskey for her and a glass of plain cola. Asked the bartender keep hers light on the alcohol. When she first tasted it she wrinkled her nose and gave me a strange look. But she didn’t say anything. Whenever I got a chance I poured some cola into her drink. Watering it down as much as possible.

Xander, Willow, Buffy and me started to play a game of pool. Tara and Anya had taken spots on the couch. This was when things started to go downhill. Buffy started to sip everybody’s drinks. Mixing everything. As she reached for Xander’s beer I put my hand out to stop her. She pulled back from me. They were all watching her at this point.

“Buffy, don’t you think you’ve had enough?” Willow reached out and took the beer from her hand.

“I’m fine. Just having a good time. Isn’t that what everybody wanted? For me to be happy.” She started to walk toward me. “Well, I’m happy as can be. Feeling no pain at the moment and if I should start hurting Spike is there to make it all better.” Buffy leaned against me. “Aren’t you?” She turned her head to look at me.

“Yeah, baby.” I put an arm around her shoulder. Her eyes were hooded and glazed from the alcohol. Pulling away she made her way toward the end of the table.

“What’s the matter?” Her gaze encompassed her friends. They looked at her swaying on her feet. Then they looked at each other. “What’s wrong, people? We are supposed to be having fun. So, lets have fun.”

Then she clutched her stomach with one hand while the other went to cover her mouth.

“I don’t feel so good.” Willow and Tara moved quickly to her side to help get her to the bathroom before she was sick all over the place. I threw my pool cue onto the table and leaned on it propped up by my two hands. My chin was resting on my chest. I was hoping tonight would go okay. That Buffy would be okay.

“You know if you didn’t encourage her drinking and other stuff this wouldn’t be happening. You go and keep buying her drinks. Then as she finished it you just keep adding more of your own to it.” Of course Xander would blame it all on me. Like I had all this damn control over her. I just gave him a dirty look without saying anything.

“What aren’t you man enough to admit that you’re messing her life up? It makes sick to think of her being with you.” Of course he couldn’t leave it alone. He just had to keep going.

I pulled myself fully upright and walked right up into his face.

“You’re just jealous because it’s not you. But Buffy would never give you the time of day. Would she?”

A look of pain crossed his face as my words hit their mark. Anya finally came to pull us apart.

“Xander, stop it. You don’t know what you’re talking about. Spike has been adding plain cola to her drink. He’s been trying to water it down.” He reached for my drink and sniffed it. Then his eyes met mine. Couldn’t tell you what exactly happened but something changed. His eyes lost the angry look.

“So, do I get an apology now?” I asked him still holding his eyes. It would never happen but it was worth it to get to rub it in a little.

Then Anya grabbed us both by the arms to get our attention again.

“You know if you all would work together instead of blaming each other maybe Buffy could get the help she needs.” We were both looking at her. That would mean a lot of forgiveness and acceptance. It just didn’t seem possible. We turned to look at each other. Kind of sizing the other up. She was right. At some point we would have to let go of the pride. For Buffy. We both knew it. But we weren't ready to admit it yet.

Then the girls coming out of the bathroom took our attention. Buffy was in the middle holding onto their arms. Her face was pale and shining from perspiration.

“Spike, she needs to go home.” Tara looked at me gently. But for her there was no other way. She was the calm one of the gang. The one who took care of everybody.

Buffy looked at me as she separated from them and tried to make her way toward me. I reached out a hand for her to take. When she was close enough I slipped an arm around her waist.

“See, I told you. Always there for me. Couldn’t ask for anything more could I?” She smile wanly at her friends. We all exchanged good nights before I led Buffy from The Bronze. She needed to go home and sleep. We had to stop once on the way home for her to get sick. Then as soon as we got home she headed for the bathroom. After I got the bike secured I went to find her. When I walked in she was brushing her teeth. She turned when she heard me behind her.

"I made an ass out of myself, didn't I?" Buffy asked after she spit out her toothpaste. Then leaning forward she laid her face on the coolness of the mirror.

"Not too bad. It was fine till the last hour or so." I watched her staying where I was leaning on the doorjamb. Her face was still pale as she washed her makeup off. "How are you feeling?"

"Better now that my stomach is empty again." Turning she sat on the counter. "I was just nervous about hanging out with them again and with you being there. I went overboard. Really proved what a fuck up I am."

Her head was down and she was wringing her fingers again. She had been as nervous as I had been about going with them. Neither one of us felt like we belonged. But she wanted to be normal. Wanted to be a part of them. But over the last few weeks she had come further into the dark side. It had become easier than fighting. Being with me had helped that along. My acceptance of her behavior. Always protecting her. Always holding her together.

I moved to stand between her legs. My hands resting on her hips. She leaned forward burying her face in my chest. Her arms wrapped around me. As soon as we were wrapped around each other again the magic between us started to take over. Weaving its spell around us blocking out the rest of the world. But I was beginning to realize it wasn't just good magic. It was deceptive and cruel. Leading us blinded down an unknown path. She wanted to hide in me and I wanted her to love me. Whether or not it was good for either of us.

She pulled back and raised a hand to my face. Gently she traced my eyebrows. Her fingers moving down to flutter across my eyes. She was like a blind person learning my features. A finger went down the bridge of my nose. Then her other hand joined the first and she traced my cheekbones down to my chin. They met on my lips stopping there. Retracing their path until she cupped my face.

"You are so beautiful." Her voice was soft against my skin. "And you love me so much. I don't understand why." As I tried to say something she laid a finger across my mouth. "Shhh, don't say anything. I don't understand this. None of it. You have been my anchor for so long. Always there to help me. To help my sister. Why? For love. It doesn't last. It always ends in pain." She let out a short laugh. "You were with Drusilla for a century and it ended in pain. And tears. Is that what is going to happen to us? If I let go will there come a day when we hate each other again? When we try to kill each other? Will one of us succeed?"

"Buffy, we don't know what will happen tomorrow. All we have is today." My heart was screaming for her to say the words that I wanted to hear. For her to let go and let this happen.

"But you already do? I can read it in your eyes. They are so expressive. The blue changes with your moods."

"What?" If she could me then she had to read the confusion at her words.

"You already regret loving me. I hurt you so much. And you know it's only going to get worse. I'm sorry for that. It hurts me that I am going to hurt you." Her forehead came forward to rest against mine. Her arms tightened around me.

"Baby, it doesn't have to be that way. We can make this work." My words were pleading. The thought of never having her again. Never being able to touch her. The pain was almost unbearable. The desperation clutched at me. The desperation that told me I would do anything to keep her here.

"No, it will. Because I can't deal anymore. The other night when the demon attacked me I prayed to die. And tonight just proved that I don't belong anymore. They should have left me where I was." She pulled away from me pulling her knees up to her chest. Wrapping her arms around her knees.

"Why don't you try counseling? I know you said you didn't want to but maybe it would help." I don't who was more surprised at the words. Her or me. Her head came up to look at me.

"No, I am not going to be locked up again."

"Again?" When the hell had she been locked up? She had to have been really young when that had happened.

"When I was fifteen. Right after I was called. I told my mom about everything. I was so confused. They locked me up until I stopped telling the truth."

For the first time ever I didn't like Joyce very much. How could she have done that to her? No wonder Buffy was having so many problems with dealing. You were punished for telling the truth and asking for help.

"There are people who would understand. That you could freely talk to. Giles could probably find someone." My hands went to stroke her arm. To let her know I was on her side. When she didn't respond to me I asked her to think about it. Her eyes met mine. So much pain. So much confusion was in their depths. Then slowly she nodded her head. Maybe soon she would be willing to take that first step back to the light. The first step away from me.