Chapter 17 - Time After Time

We hadn’t made love since that night in the bathroom. She hadn’t approached me and I hadn’t approached her. Realizing that you are about as useful as a vibrator does something to a guy’s ego. In a lot a way I knew I was more than that even if she didn’t. It was the whole package really. But still I was a way to stop the pain. It wasn’t that she loved Spike touching her. It was what Spike did to her that she loved. And if I am honest with myself I know that there were times when it was more. Where her touch was different. Times her kisses were almost loving. Those things I clung to. Because I also knew as long as I was here she wasn’t going anywhere. At least until she decided she didn’t need me anymore. That she was as strong as everyone told her she was.

It was early on a Friday morning when I woke to the smell of blood. Faint but undeniable the sweet coppery smell of blood was in the air. I opened my eyes and sniffed. Just to make sure. Buffy was asleep on her back beside me. The scent was coming from her. The first thought that crossed my mind was that somehow the wounds on her stomach had reopened. I pulled back the sheet to look. But her stomach was fine. Then I saw it the small bead of moisture perched on her curls. I dropped back down onto the bed with a groan. Buffy had started her period. I lay there for a while debating. Kept telling myself to wake her up or to go upstairs. But I hadn’t been with her for a while so I gave in. The temptation was too great.

I moved to the end of the bed and came back up between her legs. Separating them so I could lie between them. I looked up to make sure she was still asleep. The last time I had woken her up in a sexual situation I had been bitch slapped. She snored softly and shifted. Opening her legs even more for me. Finally the scent teasing my nostrils told me to just go for it. It took just a moment or two for Buffy to wake up.

"Spike? Oh, God, Spike." She groaned and tilted her hips bringing them closer to me. Then I guess it dawned on her that she had started because she sat up and pulled away from me.

"Stop. Oh, my God, that is so gross!" She pulled the sheet back over her. I pulled myself up until I was kneeling on the end of the bed.

"It is not gross. I’m a vampire and it’s blood. And it’s not like you’ve complained before when I’ve gone down on you." My defense was totally logical to me.

Buffy sat and looked at me. Didn’t say another word. But what I said was running through her head. I advanced on her again. Took her ankles in my hands and pulled her down again. Crawled back between them. She didn’t protest again. Being a vampire has definite advantages. I didn’t have to come up for air. It wasn’t until almost an hour later that she finally pushed me off of her. Buffy took off to take a shower and left me lying on the bed with a goofy grin on my face. I had found nirvana. Sex and blood. Two of my favorite things all wrapped up in a pretty little package called Buffy Summers.

But somebody still wanted to be taken care of. So, I followed Buffy up to the shower. As I walked down the hallway I started to call to her.

"Slayer, little Slayer, where are you? Buffy, Buffy, come out, come out wherever you are." I was calling to her like you would a loved pet. As I walked into the bathroom she peeked out from behind the shower curtain.

"You okay, Spike?’ She asked me with a seductive smile on her face.

"Did you know that Slayer blood is an aphrodisiac?" I kept walking closer to her.

"And did you know that you are full of it?" She started to pull the curtain around her again but I grabbed the edge and started to climb in with her.

"I’m not but you will be in just a second." I whispered in her ear as I pulled her to me. She gave a little yelp as I lifted her to the wall. The she started to giggle as I nuzzled her neck.

"I’ve missed you touching me. I’ve missed this so much." She groaned as my mouth settled on her nipple. Her fingernails dug into my back. And we slipped back together. It didn’t matter why. I just wanted to be with her.

Eventually we made it back to our bed. She lay on her stomach with her face turned toward me. Her hand rested on my stomach as I lay on my back smoking. She lazily traced trails across my flesh with her fingernails. Her breath was soft and easy as she slipped between sleep and wakefulness.

"I don’t think I have ever felt so good before in my life." She whispered to me. If it weren’t for my sensitive hearing I wouldn’t have heard her at all. Smiling I brushed her hair back off her face.

"Thank you, pet."

She giggled and moved closer to me laying her head where her hand once was. Her hand moved down to rest on my thigh.

"You ready for more?" I asked her flirtatiously as I put my cigarette out.

"Mmm, just hold me right now. I love it when I am in your arms." She shifted closer to me as I slid down to hold her.

I woke a while later to Buffy talking on the phone. She must have been talking to one of the gang because she was telling them that she would meet them later and that she would check with Willow when she called back. I laid a hand on her back to let her know that I was awake. After saying goodbye she turned to kiss me.

"Do you want to go out tonight?" She was leaning on one elbow and running her fingers down my arm. Slowly tickling me in the process. My skin developed goose bumps in her wake.

"Don’t you have to work?" It was Friday and she normally worked the weekends.

"I don’t have to work tonight or tomorrow night." She turned away from me and then said in one breath. "I’m working a private party on Sunday.’

"You’re working a what?" I was fully awake now. A private party did not sound good. She tried to get off the bed but I was holding onto her hand.

"Spike, I’m working a private party. It’s no big deal. Really."

"If it’s not a big deal why didn’t you tell me before?"

"Because I knew you would react like this. You don’t like me working at The Edge as it is." She turned back to me. "It’s just some animal lodge thing. Once a month they rent out the bar during the afternoon and have this lunch thing."

"And what exactly do you have to do during this party?" My voice came out low and guttural. Buffy was right I didn’t like the sound of this at all. If she had to do anything besides serve them food and drink I would tie her to the bed before I let her leave.

She rolled her eyes at my question.

"First of all it’s my decision what I do. And I am going to do this party." It’s like she was reading my mind and didn’t like what I thinking at all. "I can make more money in one afternoon than I can all weekend. And all I have to do is serve."

"That’s it?" But it didn’t make sense for her to make that much money from one party of drunken middle class working stiffs then from the usual customers at the bar.

"Yeah, just serve. I make a flat rate from the lodge itself. Then whatever tips they give me. So, quit acting jealous and relax." She leaned over laying a hand on my chest and gently nipped my earlobe. Just as I went to kiss her the cell phone rang.

She picked it up. It was Willow calling her back. After a few brief words she looked up at me.

"So, do you want to go out with the gang tonight?" Buffy looked at me with that look. Pleading and innocent. I just nodded my head at her. Didn’t know how this was going to turn out but was willing to give it a shot for her. This was the first time in a while that they were all planning on meeting up together. And It would be good for her to get closer to her friends again. And in a way this was what I had wanted for a while now. To be a part of them. With Buffy by my side.

When we got there the others were already there. Just hanging out and talking. As we walked toward them Buffy grabbed my hand and pulled me along.

"Hi guys."

There was all this small talk at first. Then the girls walked off to get drinks for us leaving Xander and me alone. I asked if he wanted to play pool and he agreed. There was tension between us, but maybe because it was the atmosphere or whatever but it wasn’t too bad. After I made a shot I heard the girls laughing and looked up at them. They were grouped together the way women do. Looking at us. Laughing.

"They’re talking about us." I informed him.

Xander looked in their direction.

"Yes, they are. And I have a feeling we don’t want to know what they’re saying." We stood there and looked back at them. I could make out words that I didn’t want to hear. Bed. Sex. Lasting. Then Buffy looked at me and realized I could hear them. She started to blush. Then told the other girls to hush as they made their way back to us.

We just hung out for a while. Playing pool and talking. Just usual hanging out bullshit. I pretty much just listened. Was trying to find out if it was different now. If I was now accepted or if I was still just the evil demon. But in a lot of ways I was glad that the others were coming together again. Anya and Xander. Tara and Willow. Working out their problems and being able to be with Buffy again. Maybe this would make her want to get better again.

Later the others made their way to the dance floor. I stayed behind and watched them. Sat on one of the couches. Anya returned after a few minutes and sat next to me.

"You’re uncomfortable tonight, aren’t you?" I looked over at her and then back out to the others.

"Yeah, I guess you could say that." They were more accepting of me but it was because Buffy brought me not that they thought I was okay. I started to twirl my almost empty cup of beer.

"Humans they really are silly?" I turned to meet her gaze. Sometimes I forgot that she used to be a vengeance demon.

"Sometimes."

"Then you fall in love with one and you want to be silly just like they are. And then somewhere along the way you forget who you are."

She was telling it like it was. The way I was feeling.

"We forget how destroying them can feel so good. The power we used to wield. The evil we could do." Anya looked at me with sympathy in her eyes.

"Do you ever regret it? Not being a demon anymore." I wanted to know if there was any future to this. A way to make peace with going soft.

"The only time I really wanted to go back was when he left me at the alter. It hurt so much and I wanted him to hurt as much as me." She looked out at him and got that silly love look on her face. "But no I don’t regret it."

I guess Xander saw us sitting there and talking because he started to make his way toward us.

"So, what are you two up to?" He asked standing above us. Looking first at her then at me.

"Just talking, mate. Don’t get your knickers in a twist." I took another sip of my beer and ignored him.

Anya stood and put her hand on his arm.

"Xander, it’s okay. We were just talking like he said." She was trying to soothe him before he got upset.

"Well, don’t get any ideas about Anya or I will stake you myself." Xander leaned over me trying to threaten me.

And I just couldn’t help myself. He made it so easy to make fun of him sometimes. I opened my legs a little farther resting a hand on the inside of my thigh. Slowly starting at his feet I let my eyes wander up until I met his eyes.

"So, you want to stake me? I didn’t know you were that kind." Then I ran my tongue over my lips.

It was great. His eyes opened wide and took about three steps back. Before he could say or do anything Anya grabbed his arm and pulled him out to the dance floor. As they were leaving she looked over her shoulder at me mouthing 'You are so bad' to me. I just kept smiling. He’d recover.

Buffy, Willow and Tara were making their way back. Buffy was swaying a little on her feet. She had started to drink before we left home and had been steadily drinking since we got here. When they reached us Buffy came to sit on the armrest next to me. Willow and Tara sat on a chair next to the couch.

"So, are you two having fun?" I directed my question to the birds. Interrupted them as they were gazing into each other’s eyes. Tara turned startled eyes toward me.

"Yes, I’m…we’re having fun." Her hand became entangled with Willows. "And you Spike? Are you having fun?"

"Loads." I didn’t elaborate as Buffy was kissing me on my cheek.

"Would you get me another drink? Please?" She was nuzzling on my neck as her hand caressed my chest. I knew that if I didn’t she would go herself. Kissed her quickly and then headed for the bar.

As I headed away from her I heard her tell the girls how well trained I was. Bothered me for a second but I just let it go. Wasn’t worth it right now.

Ordered another cola and whiskey for her and a glass of plain cola. Asked the bartender keep hers light on the alcohol. When she first tasted it she wrinkled her nose and gave me a strange look. But she didn’t say anything. Whenever I got a chance I poured some cola into her drink. Watering it down as much as possible.

Xander, Willow, Buffy and me started to play a game of pool. Tara and Anya had taken spots on the couch. This was when things started to go downhill. Buffy started to sip everybody’s drinks. Mixing everything. As she reached for Xander’s beer I put my hand out to stop her. She pulled back from me. They were all watching her at this point.

"Buffy, don’t you think you’ve had enough?" Willow reached out and took the beer from her hand.

"I’m fine. Just having a good time. Isn’t that what everybody wanted? For me to be happy." She started to walk toward me. "Well, I’m happy as can be. Feeling no pain at the moment and if I should start hurting Spike is there to make it all better." Buffy leaned against me. "Aren’t you?" She turned her head to look at me.

"Yeah, baby." I put an arm around her shoulder. Her eyes were hooded and glazed from the alcohol. Pulling away she made her way toward the end of the table.

"What’s the matter?" Her gaze encompassed her friends. They looked at her swaying on her feet. Then they looked at each other. "What’s wrong, people? We are supposed to be having fun. So, lets have fun."

Then she clutched her stomach with one hand while the other went to cover her mouth.

"I don’t feel so good." Willow and Tara moved quickly to her side to help get her to the bathroom before she was sick all over the place. I threw my pool cue onto the table and leaned on it propped up by my two hands. My chin was resting on my chest. I was hoping tonight would go okay. That Buffy would be okay.

"You know if you didn’t encourage her drinking and other stuff this wouldn’t be happening. You go and keep buying her drinks. Then as she finished it you just keep adding more of your own to it." Of course Xander would blame it all on me. Like I had all this damn control over her. I just gave him a dirty look without saying anything.

"What aren’t you man enough to admit that you’re messing her life up? It makes me sick to think of her being with you." Of course he couldn’t leave it alone. He just had to keep going.

I pulled myself fully upright and walked right up into his face.

"You’re just jealous because it’s not you. But Buffy would never give you the time of day. Would she?"

A look of pain crossed his face as my words hit their mark. Anya finally came to pull us apart.

"Xander, stop it. You don’t know what you’re talking about. Spike has been adding plain cola to her drink. He’s been trying to water it down." He reached for my drink and sniffed it. Then his eyes met mine. Couldn’t tell you what exactly happened but something changed. His eyes lost the angry look.

"So, do I get an apology now?" I asked him still holding his eyes. It would never happen but it was worth it to get to rub it in a little.

Then Anya grabbed us both by the arms to get our attention again.

"You know if you all would work together instead of blaming each other maybe Buffy could get the help she needs." We were both looking at her. That would mean a lot of forgiveness and acceptance. It just didn’t seem possible. We turned to look at each other. Kind of sizing the other up. She was right. At some point we would have to let go of the pride. For Buffy. We both knew it. But we weren't ready to admit it yet.

Then the girls coming out of the bathroom took our attention. Buffy was in the middle holding onto their arms. Her face was pale and shining from perspiration.

"Spike, she needs to go home." Tara looked at me gently. But for her there was no other way. She was the calm one of the gang. The one who took care of everybody.

Buffy looked at me as she separated from them and tried to make her way toward me. I reached out a hand for her to take. When she was close enough I slipped an arm around her waist.

"See, I told you. Always there for me. Couldn’t ask for anything more could I?" She smile wanly at her friends. We all exchanged good nights before I led Buffy from The Bronze. She needed to go home and sleep. We had to stop once on the way home for her to get sick. Then as soon as we got home she headed for the bathroom. After I got the bike secured I went to find her. When I walked in she was brushing her teeth. She turned when she heard me behind her.

"I made an ass out of myself, didn't I?" Buffy asked after she spit out her toothpaste. Then leaning forward she laid her face on the coolness of the mirror.

"Not too bad. It was fine till the last hour or so." I watched her staying where I was leaning on the doorjamb. Her face was still pale as she washed her makeup off. "How are you feeling?"

"Better now that my stomach is empty again." Turning she sat on the counter. "I was just nervous about hanging out with them again and with you being there. I went overboard. Really proved what a fuck up I am."

Her head was down and she was wringing her fingers again. She had been as nervous as I had been about going with them. Neither one of us felt like we belonged. But she wanted to be normal. Wanted to be a part of them. But over the last few weeks she had come further into the dark side. It had become easier than fighting. Being with me had helped that along. My acceptance of her behavior. Always protecting her. Always holding her together.

I moved to stand between her legs. My hands resting on her hips. She leaned forward burying her face in my chest. Her arms wrapped around me. As soon as we were wrapped around each other again the magic between us started to take over. Weaving its spell around us blocking out the rest of the world. But I was beginning to realize it wasn't just good magic. It was deceptive and cruel. Leading us blinded down an unknown path. She wanted to hide in me and I wanted her to love me. Whether or not it was good for either of us.

She pulled back and raised a hand to my face. Gently she traced my eyebrows. Her fingers moving down to flutter across my eyes. She was like a blind person learning my features. A finger went down the bridge of my nose. Then her other hand joined the first and she traced my cheekbones down to my chin. They met on my lips stopping there. Retracing their path until she cupped my face.

"You are so beautiful." Her voice was soft against my skin. "And you love me so much. I don't understand why." As I tried to say something she laid a finger across my mouth. "Shhh, don't say anything. I don't understand this. None of it. You have been my anchor for so long. Always there to help me. To help my sister. Why? For love. It doesn't last. It always ends in pain." She let out a short laugh. "You were with Drusilla for a century and it ended in pain. And tears. Is that what is going to happen to us? If I let go will there come a day when we hate each other again? When we try to kill each other? Will one of us succeed?"

"Buffy, we don't know what will happen tomorrow. All we have is today." My heart was screaming for her to say the words that I wanted to hear. For her to let go and let this happen.

"But you already do? I can read it in your eyes. They are so expressive. The blue changes with your moods."

"What?" If she could me then she had to read the confusion at her words.

"You already regret loving me. I hurt you so much. And you know it's only going to get worse. I'm sorry for that. It hurts me that I am going to hurt you." Her forehead came forward to rest against mine. Her arms tightened around me.

"Baby, it doesn't have to be that way. We can make this work." My words were pleading. The thought of never having her again. Never being able to touch her. The pain was almost unbearable. The desperation clutched at me. The desperation that told me I would do anything to keep her here.

"No, it will. Because I can't deal anymore. The other night when the demon attacked me I prayed to die. And tonight just proved that I don't belong anymore. They should have left me where I was." She pulled away from me pulling her knees up to her chest. Wrapping her arms around her knees.

"Why don't you try counseling? I know you said you didn't want to but maybe it would help." I don't who was more surprised at the words. Her or me. Her head came up to look at me.

"No, I am not going to be locked up again."

"Again?" When the hell had she been locked up? She had to have been really young when that had happened.

"When I was fifteen. Right after I was called. I told my mom about everything. I was so confused. They locked me up until I stopped telling the truth."

For the first time ever I didn't like Joyce very much. How could she have done that to her? No wonder Buffy was having so many problems with dealing. You were punished for telling the truth and asking for help.

"There are people who would understand. That you could freely talk to. Giles could probably find someone." My hands went to stroke her arm. To let her know I was on her side. When she didn't respond to me I asked her to think about it. Her eyes met mine. So much pain. So much confusion was in their depths. Then slowly she nodded her head. Maybe soon she would be willing to take that first step back to the light. The first step away from me.

Chapter 18 - Nicotine Love

I was dreaming about Drusilla torturing me. I was shackled to our bed while she poured holy water on me. Then laughed as I screamed. The pain burned through my flesh leaving me raw and bleeding. Her eyes were vacant staring at me. To her it didn’t matter who I was. Just that I was there to release the demons of her mind onto. Later she would lead me through the pain to pleasure. Our bodies joined together in lust to give each satisfaction. As the water hit me again my flesh recoiled trying to get away from it. But it continued to eat away at me. I threw my head back and screamed again. A hand connected to my face. Stinging my cheek. A voice telling me to shush. But it wasn’t Dru’s. My eyes opened to Buffy leaning over me holding my chin.

"Don’t scream. It only hurts for a second. Then it goes away. I promise." Her lips came forward to kiss me harshly. No caring. No passion. Just possession. Then as she pulled away I saw the cigarette in her other hand. I shook my head. This had to be a nightmare I was caught in. But I watched in horror as she lowered the cigarette to my stomach. We both watched it as it burned me. A smile crossed her face.

"Did you know that the skin on your abdomen burns faster than on your chest. Does it hurt more?" She was speaking in a voice that was flat. I was frightened as I stared into the depths of her eyes. There was nothing there. No emotion. I looked down at myself. Scattered across my chest and stomach were half a dozen burns. I reached for the cigarette in her hands but she held it away from me. As she did I saw burns on her breasts and upper stomach. She was nude straddled across my waist. For a moment I closed my eyes in an attempt to leave this behind. But as I did she slapped me again.

"Don’t leave me alone again. Keep your eyes open."

"Okay, why don’t you let me have the cigarette?" She hesitated looking from it to me. Then slowly she brought it closer. I grabbed it taking a drag before I put it out. "What’s going on?"

There was a flicker in her eyes as my question hit a nerve. Then they closed as her hands came down on my hips. As she opened them again her nails curled into me then ripped around to my stomach.

"You. You promised me it would get better. You said I only had to try. But it didn’t. Dawn told me today that she hated me. That I was a drunk and a whore. She told me she never wanted to see me again."

Something broke and the tears came. I flipped her so she was lying on the bottom and I was over her. Someone must have said something to Dawn. I cupped her face as the sobs ripped through her.

"I’m sorry. Dawn didn’t mean it. She had to be upset about something. Next time you see her she’ll apologize and it will be all better."

"No, it won’t. This is it. This is all I will ever be. A vampire’s whore living in the darkness I am supposed to be fighting."

This time I didn’t let the words hurt. I couldn’t.

"Buffy, you are not a whore or a drunk. Things are just bad right now. It will get better." As I finished she slapped me again. Then started to pummel me. Hitting me everywhere she could. Flipping us so she was on top again. Her fist repeatedly striking me. I reached up and grabbed her wrists. She spit in my face as I flipped her again pinning her hands above her head. She bucked against me. Trying to throw me off.

"I hate you. I hate this. I hate being with you. Damn you to hell." Her crying had resumed as she squirmed against me. I leaned forward against her. My free hand caressing her. Touching her. Kneading her. As I buried my face against her she reached down and bit my shoulder. Her mouth nearly tearing the flesh from me but then changing to suck on it. Licking at the blood.

"I love you, Buffy." I whispered into her ear. Kissing her neck softly. Working my way down her shoulder.

"Make it hurt, Spike." Her hips came up against me. Rubbing me with her softness. "Fuck me and make it hurt."

I let go of her hands and pulled back. The nightmare was pushing through my reality. I had wanted to hear those words for so long. A part of me wanted to. Pain and pleasure. Giving and taking. But there was a part of me that knew. Knew this wasn’t right with her. I hesitated too long. She pushed me from her so I fell across the bed. The only thing stopping my fall was the bedpost. She rolled over and reached beneath the mattress pulling out a knife. My eyes opened wide as she came at me.

But she didn’t attempt to stab me. She straddled me pushing me against the post again. Her lips hungry and desperate against mine. Somewhere in her mind the sex and the cutting had become one. The two ways of coping had blended into one. Buffy fell backward onto the bed pulling me with her.

"Don’t you want me?" She reached between my legs stroking my cock. Her thumb running over the head while her hand was wrapped around me. "Spike, please? Don’t leave me alone. I want you with me. Show me pain."

Her breathing was erratic. Her eyes desperate. I came forward on my forearms to kiss her. My tongue diving into the depths of her mouth. As I turned gentle again her hand caressed my chest. Slowly she teased my nipple. As I moaned in pleasure she twisted it in one violent hurtful motion.

"No, make it hurt." Scurrying out from under me she grabbed the knife again. As I watched she dragged it across her thigh leaving a trail of blood. "Don’t you understand? I need it. I’m falling apart. It hurts. I don’t want to hurt anymore. Please, Spike?"

Buffy was sobbing again. I reached for the knife and nodded my head. She handed it over to me.

"Lie back, pet. Tell me what you want and when you want me to stop, okay?"

She slid down on the bed until she was lying under me again. I turned so I was lying next to her. Taking the knife I started to run it across her neck. She whimpered then sighed as I moved it down running the tip across her nipple. Then circling the other with it. I looked up at her. She was watching me. Waiting for the first cut with anticipation. I turned the blade and made a small cut across her breast. She threw her head back in pleasure.

"More." She pleaded. I drew it down to her belly making small scratches but no cuts across the wounds from the demons. Her arousal was heavy in the air as I turned the sharp side up and ran the blunt edge between her nether lips. She froze as I moved it across her most intimate parts.

"Cut me, Spike."

I moved the knife across her hip leaving her cut. Small drops of blood dotting her skin. I leaned forward and licked them from her. My own arousal was becoming unbearable. As much as I hated hurting her, my body was trained to become aroused at pain. And the playing with pain.

I made the final cut across the top of her mound. Making it deeper than the other cuts her blood dripping across her skin. I threw the knife across the room and bent down to suck at her cut. Her hands on my head moving me down to her warmth. As my fingers entered her she pushed at my shoulders.

"No, please fuck me. I want you inside of me. I want to be a part of you." Her words fervent and needy. I moved over her body keeping myself on my elbows but she drew me down. As our flesh met, the burns and the cuts screaming their pain all over again. Pulling them open as our bodies moved together. Her legs wrapped around me. Her heels digging into my ass as she tried to push me further into her. I reached over and grabbed the pillows pulling her up to lie on them. With each thrust I was now hitting the opening to her womb. She moaned from the sensation.

Her head tossed on the pillow below me. Her hands pushing against the headboard helping her to move back to meet each thrust. I became lost in the feeling. Pounding as hard and as deep as I could. Then something inside of me wanted more. Something inside of me demanding the blood and violence that was my nature. I wrapped her hair around my hand and pulled her head still. Slowing my hips as I moved. I kissed her as my face changed to the vampire. As I pulled away I dragged her bottom lip between my fangs breaking the skin. Her eyes showed her fright as I looked down at her.

"You are mine. Now and forever." Her neck was nestled between my teeth as I continued to fuck her. Her whimpering loud in my ear. She knew if she tried to move that I would break the skin. Feed from her. Try to change her. To bring her fully into my world.

She was quickly losing her arousal as reality hit her. I pulled out of her and released her neck. Turning her onto her stomach I entered her again. My hand between her legs bringing her back to me. She rose onto her knees and started to push back against me. Her hand reaching down and covering mine as I caressed her clit.

She threw her head back as her climax hit her. Her walls clamping down around me. But I wasn’t done yet. I pulled her up then took her forward to the headboard. Moving my hands over hers positioning them to hold on. I took to pounding in and out of her again. Her body kept hitting against the wood as I thrust into her. My hand moved to knead her breast. Twirling the nipple between my thumb and forefinger. Pinching them. Then finally as I reached my peak I bit into her. Sinking my teeth into smoothness of her flesh. Her blood running down my throat. Then as another orgasm rocked her I let her go. We both fell to the bed in exhaustion. The emotional and physical exertion had taken its toll on both of us. We faced separate ways but I rolled her to me. Needing the comfort of her against me.

Buffy slowly curled into a fetal position. Her hurt so evident. We were both covered in blood, cuts, burns, bites and scratches. Lifting her to me I took her to the bathroom. Setting her on the counter as I drew the bath. When it was full I took her into the bath with me. This time we faced each other as I drew a washcloth over her. Cleaning her up. She never said a word as I did this. But her eyes never left me. Watching every move that I made. Patiently enduring my clumsy shaking hands as I took care of her. After tucking her into bed I turned to leave her alone.

"Stay with me, baby." That was the first time she had ever called me by an endearment. And for the first time that day my eyes filled with tears. I turned back to her to her outstretched arms. Like the night we first made love I cuddled into her. Except this time my head rested against the softness of her breasts. As she held me to her I cried like a baby. For the innocence that was lost between us. For the innocence that was lost in her.

When you start playing with pain. Either from the cutting or from the sex you slowly start to need more. She had already taken a first step combining her two escapes into one. It wouldn’t take long before she craved more. More pain. More blood. Pushing us both further into the darkness. Till one day she wouldn’t even recognize herself anymore. And I would be lost in the evil again.

It was time. Time for help. For her. Hopefully, for me. I vowed then to talk Giles. To beg him to help her. To save her. Before my love destroyed her.

_____________________________________________________________________________

Chapter 19 - Amazing Grace

T'was Grace that taught
My heart to fear,
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares
We have already come.
T'was Grace that brought us safe thus far
And Grace will lead us home.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.


Buffy had called in sick to work that night. We stayed at the crypt not answering the phone. Mostly we slept wrapped in each other’s arms. We got up once to get something for her to eat and me some blood. We both knew we had crossed a line that could never be uncrossed. Somewhere in the middle of the night she woke me up with tender kisses. Told me she was just checking that I was there. That I hadn’t left her there alone. I reassured her that my love was still there. She called me her sweetheart and returned to sleep.

In the morning I woke to find her gone. A note on the nightstand saying that she had a couple of errands to run. It wasn’t long before she returned packages in hand. She hesitated when she came through the door and saw me watching television. It was going to be her decision how we went forward. After setting her bags on the couch she came to curl up on my lap. I wrapped my arms around her.

“What did you buy, love?”

“A new shirt for tonight. Nothing I own will cover everything without getting me fired for being too covered.” Her hand entwined with mine as she softly explained her shopping. We both chuckled at her description. But it wasn’t really funny. Not when she looked like an abused girlfriend.

It wasn’t until she was getting ready for work that night that I saw her new blouse. It was a black turtleneck with long sleeves. In the front was a round cutout over her chest and her upper breasts. The back was cut down to her waist leaving it bare and open. She handed me a temporary angel tattoo to apply to her back. In the end she looked beautiful and sexy. But she was always that to me. My own fallen angel.

After I dropped her off I went looking for Giles. I found him at the Magic Box with Anya going over the books. Xander was also there hanging out. All three of them looked at me inquisitively as I walked in. I walked directly to Giles telling him that I wanted to talk to him about Buffy. This was one of the hardest things I had ever done. We sat at the table where he asked me what was going on with her.

“Do you know what happened between Buffy and Dawn yesterday?” I needed to know if he knew what it was that triggered what had happened between us. He nodded his head yes and told me that Dawn had overheard a conversation between himself, Xander and Willow. She had reacted without hearing everything and was now sorry for it. But it was already too late.

I looked down at my hands hating myself for this. Buffy trusted me with her darkest secrets. Her darkest side. And now I was going to betray that trust. Even the fact that she needed help didn’t make me feel much better.

“Buffy has been getting worse. The depression is giving her thoughts of suicide and she is getting into pain.” I pretty much mumbled the words. But they heard me. Anya put her hand on my arm to comfort me. Giles buried his face in his hands.

“What do you mean getting into pain? What have you been doing to her?” Xander asked me assuming that I would be hurting her.

I didn’t even look at him but looked at Giles. His gaze met mine.

“She’s been cutting herself.”

“Controlling her own pain.” Anya added before Xander could ask what I meant. I nodded at her comment. Glad that she understood. That I didn’t have to spell everything out.

“But it’s gotten worse than that. She wants to hurt me and wants me to hurt her.”

Xander blew his top at that and I found myself pinned to the wall with his hand on my throat. But I didn’t fight just met his gaze.

“I didn’t want to hurt her. I still don’t want to hurt her.”

Anya came over to us took Xander’s hand and removed it. She looked at me.

“Did she hurt you?”

“Some but not really.”

“How?” Always practical Anya stating the obvious. Laying it on the line. I took my duster off and threw it over the back of a chair. Then I closed my eyes turning my head from then as I peeled my t-shirt off. I could feel their stares on my body. Looking at the bruises and burns. The place where her nails had ripped my skin.

“And how does she look?” Giles finally spoke up. “How badly did you hurt her?” His voice was angry and I only hoped that he wouldn’t kill me yet. I pulled my shirt back on and sat down. Xander and Anya sat on either side of me.

“She is cut but not deeply.” I tried to leave out where I had bitten her. Giles searched my face and somehow he knew. As my gaze met his we both knew where we stood.

“Is that why you came to us?” He questioned me.

“To you. I want her to be the Buffy I fell in love with. Strong, defiant and bitchy. If it comes to where she hates me again then I’ll take it. As long as she is happy.” I told him as honestly as I could. From my heart.

“Anya, Xander, leave us alone.”

They both protested but Giles was determined that they leave. I waited for him to speak after they left. He didn’t say anything for a while. He went to fix us both tea. I was surprised when he laid the tray on the table. He took a few sips before he finally spoke.

“Did you bite her?” He already knew the answer but he wanted me to confirm.

“Yes.” No explanation. No excuses. Just verification.

“Is she badly hurt?”

“No. She went back to work tonight. Last night was the first time that things went that far. Even if you don’t believe me I love her. I want her to be happy. I can only hope that someday that is with me.” I went on to explain what had happened. That the confrontation with Dawn had triggered her hurt and anger. I left out as much of the sexual side as possible.

He nodded his head and wiped his hand over his mouth.

“Giles, did you know that Buffy was in an institution? That her parents put her there when she told them about her being called.”

His eyes widened when I told him. Confirming that he didn’t know.

“If she gets help then she needs someone that she can talk freely to. You have to promise me that she won’t get hurt more.” If he couldn’t promise that she would be taken care of I would take her away from Sunnydale. There were places that we could go that they would never find us.

“Spike, that’s ridiculous. I want to help her not hurt her.” He hesitated for a moment trying to decide whether or not to trust me. “There is a therapist that I found. Her name is Sara Pendergrass. She is Wiccan and will be open to anything Buffy would tell her. I have already spoken to her and she is willing to take her on as a patient.”

I nodded my head and asked him what he wanted to do. He said he had to think about it. That he would let me know before he actually did anything. Then he gave me a long searching look.

“What about you? What do you want?”

“To be with Buffy.” Simple and to the point. That was all that I wanted was to love her and be loved by her.

“No, Spike for you. You have already said that if Buffy wouldn’t want you at the end of this that you would be okay with it. Where would that leave you?”

I laughed caustically. That would leave me nowhere. I would have to leave here. There was no way that I could stay in Sunnydale. Not this time. I wouldn’t want to and she sure as hell wouldn’t want me to.

“Spike, what do you want for you away from Buffy?” He had reworded his question and asked me again.

“I don’t know. Buffy has been my only thoughts for so long.” I looked up at him as he stared at me intently. Taking a sip of my tea I waited for him.

“That’s obsession not love. Is that what you have? That you will possess her anyway you can? Even if it hurts her?” He continued to question me. I hadn’t figured out what he was looking for yet.

“No, not if I am here willing to give her up.” I shrugged my shoulders.

“Okay, then Spike, what do you want for you? For Spike?”

I stood and walked away from him.

“What do you want from me? What do you want me to say?” I asked him over my shoulder. Afraid to see what was going on in him.

He stood and walked toward me. He grabbed my shoulder and turned me to look at him.

“I want to know what do you want? Do you want the chip out so you can kill again? Is that what you want? Is that why you bit Buffy?” He was literally backing me into a corner.

“No. Buffy it happened in the heat of the moment.” He flinched when he realized the meaning of my words. “I don’t know what I want. I am not a man anymore. And I am not a monster. Because of this bleeding chip. I don’t know who I am anymore.”

This time I was shouting. Just wanted him to back off and leave me the fuck alone.

“Who do you want to be Spike? Do you want to be the man or the monster?”

I was backed into the corner and it burst from somewhere inside of me. Somewhere that I didn’t even knew existed.

“I hate this. I hate being a vampire anymore. Is that what you want to hear? Do you know that when I got this bleeding chip I came to you all. You were a family without the pain. I wanted that. I wanted to be a part of you. But you kept telling me how bad I was. That I was hated and it hurt. It fucking hurt to be constantly pushed aside unless you needed something. And somehow that was almost worse than the pain I had with Angelus. That’s all I wanted was to belong. To be loved.”

I finally broke down and the sobs came. Giles turned taking my arm and leading me back to the table. I laid my head on my arms and let the tears fall. And I knew the truth. I was tired of fighting that side of me. The vampire. All I had wanted since I was a child was to be loved. But I was always different. Always on the outside. When I was William. When I was Spike with Angelus. Even with Drusilla I came in second. And the little Scooby gang hadn’t wanted me around either unless they needed the muscle. I wanted to be first with someone. And the only someone that I wanted to be first with I couldn’t be.

“If Buffy was no longer here. And the rest of us were gone. Where would you stand? Would you continue to fight to save the world or would you sink back into your old life?”

My head came up to look at him. It had all been about family. Being a man or a monster. I had never made a stand on good or bad. I searched through my heart. And I knew that even if they were gone there would be other people out there. People like them who deserved to live. To have a life. People who might take my heart like Buffy and Dawn. People who I could be friends with like Anya. And I realized that there was power in being good. In saving them from things they didn’t even know existed. My eyes met Giles.

“Good.”

He visibly relaxed.

“Are you willing to risk everything for it?” He was on a one-way track again and this time I played along with him.

“Yes.”

“Even if you never see Buffy again?”

“Yes.”

“Then we have something else to talk about.” He poured us both some more tea then taking his cup he leaned back in his chair. “There is a demon in Africa.”

That’s how he began. Telling me that I could have a soul again. He told me that he had researched it when I had first become chipped. If I was willing to take the steps he would make the arrangements. But I would have to go alone and endure the trials alone. To prove my desire to change. We both agreed that Buffy would know nothing about this until after she had made her decisions. And that none of the others would know either. I knew it was a test. If I told them I was using it to get what I wanted not because I really wanted to change.

We continued to talk until almost 2:00 in the morning. About Buffy. About Dawn. About the others. And what needed to be done. For the first time I felt like we were allies. Fighting for the same things. I finally took my leave so that I could go and pick Buffy up. He promised that he would call and talk to me tomorrow about Buffy. I nodded my head and left.

Things had been set in motion. There was no turning back now. And I could only hope that the right decisions had been made.

Everything Breaks Sometime

Title: Baby Did A Bad Thing

Author: Mrs Muir

Rating: NC-17

Disclaimer: All things BtVS belong to Joss Whedon, UPN or Fox. All song lyrics belong to their owners



Chapter 20 - Everything Breaks Sometime


Under the shadows, forbidden and hot
Desire grows, more often than not
I’m sorry’s a stupid thing to say
Especially considering it’s not like I planned it this way
But I’m sorry is all that there is left of me
I’m so sorry this love made me hollow and left you empty
Maybe I could have loved you better
Maybe you should have loved me more
Maybe our hearts were just next in line
Maybe everything breaks sometime
It’s hard to believe its boiled down to this
It seems so surreal this won’t be healed by a kiss
It’s hard to stare at you knowing you like I have
I used to feel so close, now I feel so bad
My heart’s filled with thunderstorms and I’m ready to burst
And I’ve lost my favorite harbor and I’ll weather for the worst
Jewel


On Thursday Giles called for Buffy asking her to lunch on Sunday. He told her to tell me that the package was waiting for me at the Magic Box. Which was his way of telling me to stop by after I dropped her off at work. When I got there he told me that he had decided that it would be best if he spoke to her alone. That with anyone else there he was afraid it would overwhelm her. I agreed with him. But he had spoken to the others to get their input. Trying to find out if they had any ideas for reaching her. We talked for a while about her.

Then I asked him some more questions about me getting a soul. Like would it change who I was. Would I get all broody and guilt ridden like Angel? Would I return to being William? Or would I still be Spike? Would it change how I felt about the people around me? He looked at me rather strangely and asked if I was changing my mind? It wasn’t that. I just wanted to know whom I would be when it was over.

He told me that although he didn’t know all the ramifications of the change. But he felt that it would be like an extra lock on the demon. Make it easier for me to make the right decisions. To be on the side of good. But what I had really wanted to know was if I would still love Buffy when it was over. If the people who were important to me now would they still be important to me then. Would I be able to be with them?

But these things would only be answered with time.

I tried to be really careful with Buffy from then until Sunday. Showering as much love and care as I could on her. As much as she would allow me. During the day with our normal routines it was easy for us to maintain this. Things went on pretty much like it had been. But at night when we went to bed she kept pushing to try new things. I gave in to her to a point. Mostly we played harmless games. Without her raw emotions pushing for pain it was enough. For us both.

Saturday came. Buffy got up before noon and headed out to pick up food and some movies for us to watch. We sat on the floor in front of the television to eat. She had picked up Chinese food and she passed the choices to me after she had taken what she wanted. She declared me gross when I dipped my egg roll in blood. But it was just joking around. When we had finished eating and put the leftovers in the fridge we settled down on the couch. With her lying on her back and me lying face down between her legs with my head resting on her stomach. The movie had just started to play when the front door opened.

We heard a collective gasp. Then voices.

“Oh, God, I am going to hurl.” That was Xander.

“Oh, sorry, so sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt.” That was Willow.

“See, other people do it in the afternoon in the living room.” That was Anya.

I raised my head just a little to look at Buffy who was in a fit of giggles. Then I rose up a little more to look over the back of the couch.

“Have you people ever heard of knocking?” They were all turned the other way except for Anya. Then I went ahead and stood up pulling Buffy up with me.

“You can turn around. We weren’t doing anything.”

They all turned around slowly. Then there was sighs when they realized that we really weren’t doing anything. Xander was carrying boxes of pizza and Willow had soda.

“Come on in, guys. This is a nice surprise.” Buffy welcomed them looking at me with a confused expression on her face. Like why are they here? All of them. As she led them in to lie out the pizza. Clem came through the door. Well, there went our nice quiet afternoon. Clem had brought chips and wings as usual. So, we broke out the left over Chinese and everybody started helping themselves to a little bit of everything.

As they were eating we just gathered around talking. They talked about the Bronze, about the Magic Box, and about Dawn. After everyone had eaten we decided to play Monopoly instead of watching the movies.

Halfway through the game Clem said something that gave us all something to think about.

“Do you know this is the first time that I have been at a party that half the people were human and the other half was demon or ex-demon.”

We all kind of stopped and looked around. He was right. And we were all having fun on a Saturday afternoon not doing much of anything.

At the end of the afternoon Buffy told everyone she had to be at work at seven and that she had to get ready. As soon as they were out the door I turned to her.

“I thought you didn’t have to be at work until eight?”

She walked up to me sliding her arms around me.

“I don’t. I just wanted to be alone with you first.”

I picked her up and dumped her on the couch. Where I made slow sweet love to her. And then again when she got home for work. Refusing her attempts to play. Told her it was just her and me. Skin to skin. She looked confused and afraid. But her touches were gentle and her response evident. I just wanted her to feel my love not just my body before she went with Giles.

Finally Sunday morning came. She kissed me on the cheek before she left for lunch. And as she walked out the door Giles and I looked at each other. Both us hoping that he could reach her.

I wandered around the place. Back and forth. Waiting. In dread. My body was tense. My mind running scenario after scenario. Hoping that it would be the happy ending one. Where everybody got better.

It was almost two o’clock in the afternoon. I was downstairs folding towels from the laundry we had done last night. The upstairs door flew open hitting the wall behind it. The echo reverberating through out the crypt. My stomach clenched. I heard her yell my name. I called out to her telling her where I was. She came down the ladder and at me before I could react. She kicked me sending me face first down into the bed and the towels. My heart shattered as it quickly filled with fear. She landed on my back. I told myself just go along with whatever she did. Once it was out of her system then we could talk and it would be all right. I had been beaten by people more evil than she could ever be. I could handle it.

Her hand entangled in my hair pulling my head back. Then continuing to pull me by my hair she flipped me on my back. Her hands started to pummel me. As she went to hit me again I grabbed her wrist and pushed her away. She rolled off of the bed, over the trunk and landing on the floor beyond. I looked down at her and began to back up.

“You betrayed me.”

Was all she said before flying at me again grabbing me by my arms and flinging me down on to the bed. Her fists beating at me. Around my head and face. Against my chest and stomach. I tried to grab her hands but she backslapped me. Then the screaming started.

I hate you. You told Giles everything. You humiliated me. You broke my trust. Everything is ruined now. You are just like all the others.

These were only some of the things she screamed at me as her fists continued their rain on my flesh. Her breath was hot against me as she panted in her exertions. She stood for a moment and turned to reach something on the dresser. I looked up at her and saw she had grabbed a stake and she was coming right at me. It was reflex. I didn’t even think about anything except I didn’t want to die. My foot came up and hit her in the stomach. She flew into the dresser. Hitting the mirror. Shattering it into a thousand pieces that fell around her.

“Buffy?”

I called out to her softly when she didn’t move for a second. But she rose up on her hands. Pieces of glass stuck to her. She laughed.

“Did you think that would stop me?”

She came to me again and this time I fought back. At this point it was kill or be killed. It was blow for blow. Pain for pain. I could feel myself retreating and the demon coming forward. She grabbed me and pushed me against the wall. Her hand went between my legs. Stroking me. Making me hard.

“To think I willingly fucked a little pussy boy like you. You can’t even enjoy real pain anymore. Can you? See if you can enjoy this.”

Her knee came up into what she had just held. Pushing my scrotum up into my body. As I doubled over from the pain she brought her fist into my jaw. I fell on the floor at her feet where she came at me again. I could feel her bites and fists. Her hand pulling even the hair from my head. And I wanted to die then. Anything to get away from this nightmare.

“Buffy, please, no more. Stop. I can’t take anymore.” I begged for release. Never had I begged like this in my time as a vampire. Never had I known hurt such as this. The pain of a lover no longer loving. Even Drusilla in her madness had never done this to me.

I could hear Buffy crying now. Her tears falling on my body.

“You promised, Spike. You promised me that you would always take care of me. Give me what I need. Please Spike.”

Her pleas fell on deaf ears. I was too far away to hear much less to understand. The demon tired of being second came forward. And I watched as he took her by the throat. Then my body stood still clutching her. Her feet dangling from the ground. But she wasn’t struggling. She didn’t attempt to fight back as he backed her up to the wall. As he bit into her neck again. Not like the other night. This was ripping into her. There was no coming back from this. Her legs wrapped around him.

Somewhere around the pain that I was lost in I heard her whisper thank you. So much relief in those two words. And I knew this was what she wanted. To die. To give up. And she was using me to get what she wanted. Somehow I took control again wrapping myself around the demon and pulling him from her. Her body slumped against me as I took her to the bed. She was slipping in and out of consciousness. I laid her there. I started to kiss her cheek and neck. Tasting her blood. Begging her to come back to me.

The insanity of the moment told me if I were just inside her everything would be all right. When I was there I could believe she loved me. That everything would be okay. I removed her shirt and bra fondling her breasts. All the while telling her that I loved her. That I needed her. I pushed up her skirt and pulled her panties off. I undid my jeans and stroked myself to get ready. I don’t know if it was from the blow or the stress or the fear but I couldn’t get hard. I tried to push into her anyway but she was too dry. That’s when my tears came. To be denied the one thing that was always right between us just made it seem like it was over. It was done. And I lay on top of her and cried for all our pain. For the love that was never good enough. All I wanted was my Buffy and it had come to this. And somewhere along the line I passed out.

Time moved on around us. And a new day began as it started to rain. Washing away the previous day in its cleansing downpour.

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